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shittalkernews: This just in: Ryan and Ben don't know shit about shit...see Vanessa W. for details
about one hour ago via TweetDeck
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"I wish you boys would pay attention and stop texting for a darned second. I know this multi-tasking habit is a generational thing, but I don't understand it."
"Okay, Principal Harding," said Ryan, without looking up from his phone.
"Anyway, here's the deal: someone's been stealing from the bake sale."
"So?" said Ben.
"So we need an investigation. Ms. Bryden has convinced me that, despite all outward appearances, you two are actually crack sleuths."
"Haha," said Ryan, "crack."
"Yes, well," said Principal Harding, and cleared his throat. "Our extracurricular groups have been losing a lot of revenue to this thief, and it has to stop."
"Haha," said Ryan, "extracurricular."
Principal Harding frowned. "I really don't understand you kids sometimes. The point is, I'm going to need you to stake out the bake sale table at night so we can bring this criminal to justice. Do we have a deal?"
"Yeah, okay," said Ben, getting to his feet. "Whatever."
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shittalkernews: Shit Talker worldwide scoop: Ryan and Ben fuck up yet again
about one hour ago via TweetDeck
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"Hey losers," said Vanessa with a grin. "On your way to Principal Harding's office again?"
"Yeah," said Ben, and shrugged. "How'd you know?"
"It's all over the school. Don't you read my twitter?"
"Uhhhhhh, no?"
"Serves you right, then. Hope you enjoy actually going to class from now on, and the crippling realization that you aren't really that great."
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"Boys," said Principal Harding, "I need some answers. I hire you to solve a mystery for me. I ask you to stake out the bake sale table at night. I trust you. And how do you repay that trust? By blowing off the stakeout to get high and play the X-boxing."
"Haha yeah," said Ben. "That was cool."
"Cool? Well, while you were out there thinking that your drugs and video games made you cool, the ski club's bake sale lost all its Rice Krispie Treats. Now they might not raise enough money to go on their big ski trip over winter break. The Board of Governors is at my throat. I hope you're happy with yourselves."
"Whatever," said Ryan. "Ski club sucks, anyway."
Principal Harding sighed, looking up sadly at the Mystery Solving Teens. "I'm pulling you off the case, boys. It's too hot."
"Okay," said Ben.
"I'm bringing in a real professional. She's a transfer student from River Heights."
"Uh huh," said Ryan.
"Her name is Nancy Drew. Are you boys gonna be all right with this? If you need to see the counselor, I can write you a pass."
"Can we go now?" asked Ben, moving toward the door.
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The Mystery Solving Teens spent that evening at Ryan's house as usual, drinking his dad's beer and playing Call of Duty in the rec room. After shooting up Paris and London, Ben looked over to see Nancy Drew plastered against the glass sliding door, motionless and wide-eyed.
"Dude," said Ben, "how long has she been standing there?"
"Uhhhhh," said Ryan, opening the door. "Do you want to come in?"
"The Mystery of the Missing Teens!" cried Nancy, rushing inside. "I solved it!"
"Uh, no," said Ryan. "That's not the mystery. The mystery is who's been stealing stuff from the bake sales."
"Yeah," said Ben, "aren't you, like, supposed to be good at this mystery stuff?"
"The Case of the Stolen Pastries!" she said, turning around. "Principal Harding, I won't let you down!"
Ryan slid the door shut again. They watched Nancy sprint through the backyard, her arms waving frantically.
"That was kind of weird," said Ben.
"Yeah," agreed Ryan. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"We should smoke a joint?"
"Yeah," said Ryan. "And maybe we should check out the high school after all. After we figure out who did it, we can break into the fridge in the home ec room and egg the teachers' lounge."
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"This stakeout blows," said Ben, throwing an empty beer bottle against the mural that the art club had painted in the cafeteria. "I didn't know there was a way for school to be even more boring than it already was."
"Dude," said Ryan. "Look."
A small brown bird had landed on the bake sale table. It surveyed its options, grabbed a blueberry muffin by the wrapper, and flew off again. Soon other birds came along and took the lemon squares and most of the snickerdoodles.
"Some motha fuckin brownie crumbs," said a duck, gathering them up in his bill. "Aw yiss."
"Oh shit," said Ryan, "did that duck just say something?"
"Dude," said Ben, punching Ryan in the shoulder, "You didn't get this weed from Tony, did you? Was there something else in it?"
"Don't hit me, dude," said Ryan, punching him back. "I don't think it's the weed."
"Hey, man, don't freak out," said a bearded man wearing some kind of weird old-fashioned dress. In his arms were most of the baked goods the birds had stolen. "You aren't on a bad trip or anything. I'm St. Francis. I've taken a vow of poverty, so I rely on the birds to bring me sustenance. They do it for me because I'm, like, mad holy."
"What the fuck," said Ryan.
"Just go with it," said St. Francis. "Anyway, must dash. I'll take one of those beers, too, if you don't mind."
With that, St. Francis left through the emergency exit, the duck waddling behind him and uttering profanities.
"That was way too weird," said Ryan. "We can't explain it to the principal."
"Yeah," said Ben. "And I don't care what you say--I'm never smoking anything Tony gives you again."
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shittalkernews: A Shit Talker exclusive! Day of reckoning arrives for pathetic losers
about one hour ago via TweetDeck
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"Well," said Principal Harding. "Nancy, boys--have any of you managed to find the culprit? The 'Cookies for a Cause' fundraiser had to be cancelled due to lack of cookies. Now we're running a deficit, and Student Government Association is threatening austerity measures. I'm telling you, I need a name, and I need it now! If not, it's permanent detention for all three of you."
"Uh," said Ryan finally. "It was Nancy? I guess."
Principal Harding gasped.
"Oh my goodness!" cried Nancy. "Is that true? Did I really sabotage the bake sale? How could I have done something so horrible? The Case of the Double-Crossing Detective! Oh, Principal Harding," she sobbed, breaking down, "arrest me at once!"
"I think we should ditch Woodworking and just go back to your place," said Ben to Ryan, shutting the office door behind them as Nancy collapsed in hysterics.
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shittalkernews: News flash: Vanessa W. is greater than you will ever know
about one hour ago via TweetDeck
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"Get me a beer," said Vanessa, sitting down beside Ben on the couch in Ryan's rec room. "You assholes are so lucky to know me. I fixed everything: St. Francis is in custody, Nancy is receiving psychological treatment...I even convinced Principal Harding to let you two idiots keep 'solving' your mysteries."
"But what about the birds?"
"Oh, I blasted them all with my father's shotgun. Nah, I just told the principal not to leave the baked goods out on the table overnight where the riffraff could get at 'em. The donuts get all stale and nasty, anyway. Problem solved!"
"Vanessa, you're a genius," said Ryan.
"Yeah," said Ben, "you're kind of the best."
Vanessa smiled. "Tell me something I don't know."
"Hey, where are you going?" said Ben. "I thought we were playing Call of Duty."
"One sec," said Vanessa, reaching for her phone. "Just gotta do something before I kick your asses."
---shittalkernews: Mystery Solving Teens confirm the obvious
30 seconds ago via txt