Chapter Text
Flowers. They slept on the palm of my hand, the sweet fragrances ascending to my nose while my eyes scanned up and down their lengths. Green stems, yellow and red pistils, the petals quiet and still, the collection of life was cooped together in my grip, and to me it was beautiful. So delicate, any exertion of force would destroy their radiance, but I wasn’t planning on doing such, especially to something as fragile as these. To destroy them would be like smashing glass between my fist. Yet, the question of why he gave them to me lingers on, why now, after all this time did he choose to do this? Was it something that I had done, or maybe just coincidence, were they even meant for me? I can’t say for certain, but I know they came from him because he is looking right at me from behind the trees. Watching.
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ONE DAY AGO
It was my idea to begin with, camping alone was something I had always craved to do even when I was growing up. Not the kind where there’s an indoor pool just a walking distance away like when I was a kid, but real camping, where the stars aren’t coated in pollution and nature isn’t reserved to only fractions of a campsite. No people, no highways, no social media, no work, and all the troubles that come from these things. Sometimes I see them as cages, ones where the bars are invisible, but nevertheless real. There is no escaping these cages, but temporarily we can be free in pockets of spaces, out there, where there is nothing between you and the rest of the world.
The parents and friends had opposed the idea of me going alone to the middle of nowhere, saying that I could be attacked by a wild animal or something of the sort, which, while plausible, was something I could prepare for ahead of time. Plus, there’s nothing like a good ol’ “YOLO” to remind yourself that we are temporary. Don’t get me wrong, a part of me is terrified to find something like a black bear in my tent, but I never took enough risks while I was younger, so I feel this makes up for that fact. I had always played high school safe, found the right people, the smart, responsible people, and stuck with them, paying attention and studying for every class, never going to massive parties. Not sure if that’s what’s supposed to happen, but regardless, it’s part of the reason I am the way I am: afraid.
But not today. Today I was going to escape all of that boring bullshit and finally live the way I’ve always wanted to. I don’t care what my family thinks. I am going to do this.
All I could do was hope for the best and plan, and that’s exactly what I’m doing now: preparing. My gear is spaced around the few rooms of my house, which is as uninteresting as they come, but items don’t mean much to me. I gathered all that I could think of, sleeping bags, tent, snacks, meal prep, fishing rods, bait, compass, clothes, and things of that sort. I made sure not to forget my rifle as I loaded it onto my pickup truck. Never had to use it before, and I hope that it stays that way for the rest of this trip.
Most of the items went inside with me, and before I took off, I looked down my list to ensure that I had everything I could possibly need. A part of me felt that I was indeed forgetting something. Another part of me didn’t care. So I took off without a second thought. I promised myself no more of those anymore as I switched my truck into drive and finally fled my cage.
The actual drive was extensive, but enjoyable because I had some of my favorite CDs with me essentially at all times. My vehicle was ancient and so was my radio, so I had no other choice but to keep physical copies of my music, which I had no problem with. The truck exudes early 2000’s vibes, something I am proud of.
I left early in the morning so as to get there with enough time to set up before the sun went down, I felt like my body was about to spontaneously combust at any moment, but my determination kept me awake and going the entire trip, determination to exist somewhere out of the norm and enjoy the presence of animals all shapes and sizes, determination to finally start living, making the hours fly by without much notice. The black coffee probably helped too.
The surroundings flew by with great velocity as I eventually left my urban environment into one that was more deserted and tranquil, like traveling through different worlds across opposite sides of the universe. These two settings could not be more contrasting, but this is what I had hoped for, something that resembled change. I know where I’m going, how it’s supposed to appear, but seeing it in person as it unfolds before you is always an experience you never forget, the way things were different in your mind put against the way things are in reality, but in the best way possible. I was taken aback as nature swallowed me whole, I invited the feeling. My destination was fast approaching.
The chime of sighing apricot leaves, the cool air gently stroking my cheek, and the smell of warm sap squeezed through pockets in the oak, the oak belonging to the delicately crafted escape that was the deciduous forest, it all was real. The sun stood silently, perched up at its highest point as it washed me in its brilliant golden rays. A sense of rapturous incoherence surmounted my senses, intoxicated by the sudden rush of beauty belonging to this enclosed peace. It seemed to be teeming with life, some were even kept secret, hiding within the towering trees, within the bushes, or in the grass beneath my feet, too small to even observe. The wind that blew was strong, causing a sort of breathing sound to emit from all angles and within every crevice. The whole forest seemed to be sentient, as if living alongside me, breathing in air, I enjoy the company.
The fragrance that furnishes the earth I find myself in is dressed with the pure and cutting breeze. It’s a clear vanilla type of air that clears my throat with its cold and quiet fingers. It digs itself into my head, ushering away all my thoughts, as if someone had cleansed it.
I turn back to examine my setup. Everything is in place, tables set up for whenever they’re needed, bags and boxes unloaded, the grill is out and ready for use, the tent stood proudly in the center of it all with its warm red coating, the core of this little environment I had constructed by myself and for myself. Most things come from my previous camping excursions with family and friends, and so my tent is really meant for a lot more people, but this time I have it all to myself, everything is really. It’s hard thinking that without it sounding selfish, I just have to remember who I’m sharing it all with, I was not the only one out here. The animals were here too, and I’ll make it a conscious effort to respect them and their spaces under any circumstance.
I had always been fond of all living creatures since I was a child feeding bunnies under our house, a secret to keep away from disapproving parents. They were fluffy and soft to the touch, adorable, but animals don’t need to be adorable for me to love and respect them. At the end of the day, I view our bodies as vessels with which we carry our souls, the very essence of who we are, the value of them is insurmountable compared to simple complexions and looks. It’s cheesy as fuck, but I live by that fact, and I hope people believe it too when they see me. Everything deserves a chance to prove their worth.
Taking a step back, it was all so picturesque, as if ripped straight from a brochure about hiking or something of the sort. This is exactly what I had hoped for, to be prepared, but not stressing over perfecting any little thing like I would under any normal circumstances. I hope this change stays with me even after I take it all down. I want to take something away from this experience even if it is just something small like remembering to worry less about--
A twig snaps. A bird flees. Perhaps it’s another animal, I turn my head to survey. Nothing but leaves and trees. My eyes don’t avert from the source of the sound. For some reason my heart is racing. I place my hand over it in an attempt to slow down the pacing, but it won’t stop. I don’t even notice that my legs seem to gravitate to where I heard it. I have to examine further, make sure that where I put my camp is safe, even after I had double checked my surroundings before setting up. Maybe I missed something. A group of animals. I can’t keep my breath under control and my steps are like anvils. God, what could that be…
Before I know it, I’m quite a distance away from my campsite, away from the familiar surroundings that I had grown attached to. I had never seen these oak trees before, nor the fallen leaves that blow beneath them. It was about here that I heard the sound, I’m sure of it. Nothing seems to stand out. Maybe I’m just paranoid. I am known to scare myself more than anything else. Yet here I am, alone, defenseless, and anxious. The funny thing is that I wanted this. I knew that I was going to feel this way and yet I came here just the same. I’m ridiculous.
Then I see it. A wolf. It’s still a distance away but it’s clear what’s happening. There’s a long howl that emits from its maw. It’s in pain, but it can’t seem to move. I break into a sprint, not noticing that my legs have reduced to jelly, capable of giving out at any moment. My attention is on the animal, relatively small in size, it can’t be any taller than one and a half feet, it isn’t even fully grown yet. There’s a glint from just below the wolf’s belly. A bear trap. Jesus christ, I can’t even believe that I’m witnessing this. That doesn’t deter my pace as much as I thought it would. I can see clearly at this point, the bear trap is latched over his left hind leg, blood oozing over the cool metal teeth that clenched onto the animal with such vigor. I’m close now, just noticing the snarls directed towards me from the wolf, despite its condition, but he seems more fearful than anything. Why can’t I stop getting closer? The moment I’m in arms reach, it’ll attack, bite my fingers off, or maybe even…
I missed the part where I put my hands on the trap, but they are most definitely there now. I’m aware of how these things work, at least I hope I am, so my body seems to naturally get into position, both hands on either side of the machine, using my entire weight to press down against it, hopefully releasing the grip. I feel the wolf’s warmth pressed against me, acting as an enormous heat source. It’s so close I can feel it’s hot breath against my skin. A low rumble emits from its throat. Holy shit. I’m covered in dirt and smell something rotten. Fuck, I can’t think about that now. I just have to keep pressing down. Jesus, how did I end up here. Press down.
There’s a cold and metallic sound from just beneath me. I look down. Opened. I look up. Gone. The wolf left within seconds after it had opened into a direction I was unsure of. I look back down and see the blood forming a trail, but mostly collected in a small puddle in the center of the trap and on the teeth of it. I finally release my weight from over and sit back down on the dirt floor. My face is heated, no, my whole body is, and everything seems to be numb for a long time. I stare up at the sky. Dark red. It reminds me of the blood that had also gotten over my hands and clothes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much of it in my whole life. Yet, the wolf was able to limp fast enough away from me that I couldn’t even catch up. I couldn’t do anything else to help it. Pathetic. God, I am truly pathetic. My breathing starts to stabilize, however my chest is still heaving. I can barely feel anything right about now. The sky is growing darker by the second. I know I have to get up but I can’t. Something is weighing me down. What did I do…
There are hills that surround me, small ones where the very top is visible just from looking up. The silhouettes of my surrounds grow with every second. And yet I can’t move. At this rate, I’ll be stuck out here, all alone, in the middle of God knows where. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.
My eyes scan the hills and there’s a figure just atop one to my right. It’s a bold shape, but hard to examine any details, especially in the dark. I squint my eyes so as to see it better. This proved to be a bad idea because the last thing I can remember seeing was a sort of mask before passing out cold.