Chapter Text
He’s always liked him. Sukai admits he’s always been attracted to Shosei. Even when they got into a heated disagreement when they debuted, Sukai only thought better of him afterward. They’re two peas in a pod, the same yet so different. Both were raised in a single-mom household, matured more quickly than other kids their age, and always stands with what they believe in… And that’s also why they clashed at first. But Shosei is a sweet soul, and his soft heart overrides his desire to always win an argument, so in their first big fight, it was Shosei who approached first and asked him to talk and sort things out. Maybe on that day, his feelings changed from simple admiration to a full-fledged attraction.
He always thought he was beautiful. He has these soft droopy eyes that make him look like a puppy, and a gentle, soothing voice. Despite his soft exterior, he's a man with fiery determination. Always working hard and doing his earnest, even if he doesn’t get as much attention as others. For Sukai, all these little things simply make him more attractive.
Sukai wasn’t planning on acting on his feelings. After all, it’s also a first for him - being attracted to another guy and all. ‘Being close to him as a friend is enough.’, he thought. He’s afraid to disrupt their current dynamic, afraid to make things awkward between them and the rest of S4. It took him a long time before Shosei finally let down his guard and confided him about his concerns, and he’s not ready to let go of that privilege.
‘I can just look at him from afar...’ he tries to convince himself, as Shosei feeds him another bite of Takoyaki that they shared in his room.
‘...being his friend is enough.’
“Is it good, Kai-chan?” Shosei smiles and asks him expectantly, and his heart feels like it’s about to burst from happiness. In his distraction, a piece got caught in his throat and he started coughing. Shosei quickly comes to his side.
“Oh no! Sorry, Kai-chan! Was it too hot?” he said as he gently pats Sukai’s back and handed him a glass of water. “Are you ok?” he asks Sukai after he gulped a cupful of water and recovered from the coughing fit.
‘Fucking embarrassing.’ was Sukai's first thought amidst getting teary (and almost dying).
“No, no, I’m ok. It’s my fault, I didn't chew properly.” He assures the blonde who was still right beside him.
“You sure?”. Sukai finally realizes how close he currently is to Shosei, his hands still gently rubbing his back and looking at him with concern. Sukai doesn’t know if the redness of his face was because he almost died from choking, or because he realized Shosei was so close, their thighs were touching.
“Yup, I’m good. Don’t worry.” he waved him off in embarrassment.
He almost wants to pretend he’s still not okay if only to keep him there for a little bit longer. But his heart is currently pounding so fast, and he was determined to keep his feelings to himself. Their current predicament is testing his limits, though. Yet he doesn’t want his feelings to get in the way of their budding friendship.
“Ah, that’s good then!” Shosei says as he stands back up to return to the other side of the table. “Kai-chan, you’re so clumsy.” He already misses his warmth.
Shosei reaches out for his share with his chopsticks, and they eat in companionable, comfortable silence, allowing him to calm down.
He likes it this way, Sukai thought. These little moments that only the two of them share. Even if it might not mean anything to Shosei, Sukai treasures every second he spends with him.
“Ne, Kai-chan…” Shosei starts as they finished their last piece of Takoyaki.
“Hm?”
Shosei stares at his empty plate, hesitating for a while before finally speaking, “Can I ask something?” he looks at Sukai, eyes sparkling. Who can say no to that?
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Have you ever… Confessed before?” Sukai gulps nervously.
“Hmmm… Sure I did. I guess a few times in middle school and high school?” Shosei perks up at that with sparkling eyes.
“Why did you ask?” Sukai continues, curious now. Suddenly shy, Shosei avoids looking at him, hesitating for a moment.
“Ah… I see…” he fidgets with his used chopsticks, “Was it a friend?” Shosei continues.
“Yeah. One of them was from the same class.”
“…a close friend?” now Shosei is looking at him, eyes hopeful. Somehow, Sukai feels like he's being interrogated.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” He scratches his head, embarrassed.
“Weren’t you afraid of… you know? Ruining your friendship?”
"Well, I did end up getting dumped. But we're still friends now."
"I see… Kai-chan is brave." he softly spoke, playing with the strings of his hoodie, lost in his thoughts.
“Why are you suddenly asking?” Sukai inquires. Curious, cautious, nervous… He doesn’t know what to feel right now, but as his good friend, he wants to listen to his concerns.
“Ah. Well… There’s someone I like….” Sukai subtly gulps, hands getting cold. Shosei avoids eye-contact as he continues, “…and we’ve started to get very close recently… And, I don’t know if I should confess or if I should just keep it to myself? I’m just afraid of ruining our friendship… I kind of like our relationship now.”
'Well, fucking same.' At that point, Sukai doesn’t know if it’s Shosei he's talking to, or he was seeing himself from a mirror in a lucid dream, talking to his reflection.
“I guess you can try to show your feelings? See if it’s reciprocated. Then decide later if you will confess.” He was talking on autopilot. Giving Shosei the advice that he so desperately wanted to hear someone to say to himself. Sukai wants to strangle himself for thoughtlessly blurting that out.
'Did I just set myself up?' Just the thought of Shosei liking someone else is turning his stomach inside out, yet he couldn’t deny his friend who is genuinely asking for his advice.
“Would you tell me who? Someone I know?” he couldn’t stop himself from asking. Sukai is not sure if he actually wants to know, but he asks anyway. He guesses it’s his way to punish himself for his inaction. For convincing himself and believing that it’s okay to keep his feelings to himself. Today, he realized he actually can’t bear the thought of losing him to someone else.
Shosei hesitates for a long time, still avoiding his eyes. Sukai feels like he’s been holding his breath for an hour. The silence making his hands cold, heightening his senses. He prepares his heart for the impending heartbreak.
Shosei’s doorbell rings.
“Shosei! Sukai! It’s 6 PM! We’re watching a movie, remember?!" they hear Syoya’s voice from outside the door. "Come quickly!" Shion adds.
“Ah, I almost forgot we’re watching a movie.” Shosei softly remarks as he cleaned up their plates. “Please go ahead of me, I’ll clean up first.” He flashes him his signature sweet smile, and he hesitantly left the room, their conversation still festering in his mind.
Shosei joins them a few minutes later in Syoya’s room. Syoya’s energy seems to diffuse their awkward tension, as he excitedly asks them to choose from his extensive selection of Ghibli movies. They debated on titles for a while, before finally settling with My Neighbor Totoro. Not Sukai’s type, but his friends seem to enjoy it so he just rides along, trying to distract himself from thinking about his conversation with Shosei.
---
To say the next few days have been weird is an understatement. After their talk, they got very busy with practices and schedules. Shosei has become unusually perkier. Not like he doesn’t like it. Of course, not. Sukai loves his smiling face. But Shosei has just been unusually attached to him recently, and now he’s confused about what to think of it.
“Kai-chan, have you memorized the choreography? Do you want me to help?” Shosei offers.
So much for trying to move-on. Sukai thought.
“Ahh… I think I’m good?” Sukai tries to subtly reject him, thinking he needs to distance himself from Shosei.
Shosei pouts. “Is that so….”, looking dejected.
‘Ah, I’m fucked.’ Sukai hates that he’s too weak to resist that sad face.
“Ah, but can you help me with this part? I think I look a bit awkward here…” and Shosei finally perks up with that.
That day wasn’t the only instance, though. He also noticed that Shosei talks to him more often now, and even when they have all retired to their rooms, Shosei still messages him on Line before they sleep. To say that he doesn’t like it is a lie, though. A part of him really likes it. It feels like they're dating. But that's also what Sukai hates. It's making him too hopeful, and it might break him when it's finally time to let him go.
His Line rings. A message from Shosei.
“Are you still up?”
“Yup. What’s up?” he hates that his fingers type before he can even think when it comes to him.
“Well… I just wanted to say thanks!”
“???? For what?” and he legitimately wonders why, because he doesn’t remember doing anything special that day. He hops onto his bed, fresh out of the shower, excitedly anticipating his reply.
“For teaching me how to sing my parts earlier.”
Ah, he remembers now. They were practicing various singing lines ahead of their recording next week. Their lines are usually determined by the producer depending on how well it suits your voice, and Shosei was very determined to get more lines this time. Singing wasn’t Shosei’s strength, but he’s working hard because he knows his fans get disappointed when he only has very few lines in their songs.
“Ah! That. Don’t worry about it. You always help me with my dancing, so thank you, too.” He couldn’t stop the gloating smile that blossomed on his face, he had to slap himself back to reality. If anyone else would saw him, they’d think he’s like a smitten high school boy texting his crush. And they’re right, he’s fucking smitten.
“Goodnight, Kai-chan.” sending a cute emote along with it.
Sukai thinks for a while before replying, but he settled with a simple “Night.”, burying his head on his pillow in frustration after realizing he forgot to type Good. ‘Now he probably thinks I’m an asshole. Fuck!’
His phone rings again to his surprise. Shosei sent a voice message.
“All eyes on me
All eyes on you...
*Please stay by my side”
He hears his sweet voice. Suddenly, he feels like he's floating in the air, heart full. It’s the line Shosei said he wanted to have for the song.
“Sweet dreams, Kai-chan.” sending another cute emote along.
He wished the lyrics were for him. He allowed himself to hope, fading into dreamland with a smile on his face, phone on his chest.
And Sukai certainly manifests all his wants and desires through his dreams that night. The sweetest dreams he's ever had in a long time.
---
Everyone was excited to go home after practice that Friday as they finally have a day-off that weekend. The members eagerly discussed their weekend plans on the way home. Mame-chan excitedly said he’d binge-watch Kamen Rider, and Keigo was going shopping with Junki and Takumi. Meanwhile, he overheard Ruki demanding that he & Sho should start writing their song pledge that weekend, “Let's go somewhere away from the dorm so we can focus.” he said.
Sukai smirked at his boldness, ‘As if that’s the only thing he wants to do.’.
Mame overheard them and stuck his head in between the two from the back, “Ehhhh? Where are you going? I can’t join? That's unfair Rukicchi, I wanted to watch with Sho-kun…” Mame pulls his puppy eyes at the two, knowing they’re powerless against that.
Sukai slept the rest of their way home at the farthest back corner of the van.
“Sukai.” is he dreaming of Shosei again?
“Kai-chan.” When he heard that voice so close to his ear and felt a nudge, he jolted awake, a little bit flustered.
“Sorry, did I scare you?” Shosei smiled. They’re the only ones left inside the van already parked in their apartment. He could faintly hear the voice of the other members noisily retiring to their rooms. It's only him and Shosei, he realized, ‘Even Naoto has left', he glanced at the driver's seat.
Shosei was still leaning close to him, one hand holding the arm that he nudged. His heart pounds a little faster,
“Naoto-san went ahead. We were trying to wake you up, but he was rushing for the toilet, so I volunteered to stay and wake you up.” he giggled as he showed him the keys of the company van, which Naoto hastily left with Shosei before he ran to his room.
He could smell the sweet fragrance of his shampoo, mixed with the scent of fresh spring flowers, a scent that is naturally Shosei. He feels intoxicated, being so close to him. “Let’s go back?” Shosei grabs his hand, and Sukai follows him like a lost puppy, reveling in the softness of his palms.
‘Am I still dreaming?’ He asks himself. This all felt like a lucid dream, too good to be true.
When they reached his front door, he realizes Shosei accompanied him all the way there. The rest of the members already inside. Sukai was still half-awake when he followed Shosei back to the apartment. Now he's looking at him expectantly, and he’s not sure what to do.
“Do you have plans tomorrow?” Shosei softly speaks, looking anywhere but him as he scratched his neck. Is he blushing?
“Uhh, not really. I was just planning to sleep in,” he responds, voice still slightly raspy from slumber.
“Then, can you accompany me tomorrow? I wanted to go to this photography expo, but everyone else has plans…” Shosei’s hand grabs his, lifting them in a pleading gesture. Sukai then realized they were still holding hands, and now both of Shosei’s hands are holding his. It was now his turn to blush.
“Ahh. Sure, if you want.”
“Yatta! Let’s leave at 11? I’ll call you at 10.”
“O-ok…”
“See you tomorrow!” Shosei exclaimed as he giddily skipped to his room, waving at him on the way.
He entered his apartment in a daze. Standing at the genkan for a few minutes, “Did he just ask me out?” he asked himself as if it was going to speak it into reality.
His phone rings. A message from Shosei.
“Don’t forget. I’ll call you at 10 tomorrow to make sure you’re awake!”
*ding*
“Goodnight, Kai-chan.”
Once his brain finally processed the situation, he allowed himself to fully smile, his fangs poking out. “It’s a date.” He whispered, as he happily prepared his bath.
He happily retired to bed. His dreamless sleep felt too long this time. He couldn’t wait for the next day.