Chapter Text
Levi nursed a hot cup of tea between his palms, feeling sick to his stomach. It had been more than a month since he’d joined the Survey Corps. Exactly one month after he’d first set foot outside the walls. An exactly one month after he’d last heard Isabel and Furlan’s voices.
He closed his eyes, and images of them flashed quickly through his head. He saw them riding away, Isabel waving goodbye, just before they’d been swallowed by the rain. He saw the Titan throwing Furlan’s body across the ground. He saw Isabel’s head lying on the ground, eyes staring blankly back at him.
He opened his eyes and swallowed audibly. Get your shit together. This isn’t a time to lose control. He couldn’t risk being distracted in the upcoming expedition.
Too absorbed in his thoughts, he didn’t notice the hand that was snaking towards his shoulder until it was too late. He reacted purely on instinct, reaching up to crush the hand that had fallen in his shoulder.
“OW! Goddammit Levi - ouch! Let g- LEVI!”
“Don’t touch me,” he hissed, brusquely releasing the vice-like grip he had on Hange’s hand. Whimpering, they brought their hand up to their chest, nursing the fingers and shooting a scared glance at Levi. The brunet rolled his eyes and turned back to his tea, hoping that Hange would take the hint and walk away, but after a few minutes of trying to ignore them while they showed no signs of moving, he swiveled around on the bench.
“Why are you still here?” he shot them a deadly glare, but Hange seemed unfazed. They dropped their hand to their side and grinned.
“I and a few others are having a drink tonight. You know, good luck before an expedition and all. You should come!”
“What?” Levi couldn’t help the tone of incredulity from his voice.
“I said-”
“I heard you the first time, I’m not deaf.”
Hange opened their mouth as if to speak, but after taking one good look at Levi’s deepening frown, they thought better of it. Hange was inviting him to drink? With other soldiers? Levi didn’t understand in what universe the brunette thought that was a good idea. Most people in the corps hated him, and the few soldiers who didn’t just looked at him warily when he got near. Showing up to drinks would only earn him glares and make him feel worse than he already did.
After what seemed like an eternity of awkward silence, Hange cleared their throat.
“So, um, it’s decided then! See you on the rooftop in fifteen minutes. Don’t be late!”
Hange started walking away and Levi’s frown deepened. He considered calling them back and snapping at them for daring to invite him and decided the effort was too much. He would simply not show up.
Was Hange making fun of him by inviting him, knowing he would not be welcome? It must be that. Or Hange simply had shit for brains, as Levi had suspected all along. No one here would actually want to be his friend, not after the rumor of how Levi had tried to kill Erwin had spread amongst the soldiers. Levi tried to push Hange out of his thoughts and returned to his tea. He just wanted this horrible day to be over.
☼☼☼
Half an hour later, Levi was dragging himself back to his room. He’d never felt so tired in his life; his eyes were fluttering closed every few seconds and his limbs felt like lead. He wanted nothing more than to sink into his bunk and sleep until the morning.
Yet, he knew once he reached the bed, sleep would elude him, as it had been doing for the past month. The universe was not so kind as to lend him a brief respite from his guilt through sleep. He had survived, and Isabel and Farman had not. Since their deaths, he has lain awake at night, half delusional from the lack of sleep, images of bloody heads and glowing red eyes flashing in his mind.
He rounded the corner to his room and stopped dead in his tracks. With his annoyance heightened by his tiredness, he let slip a flurry of curses that made the soldier in front of him gasp.
“Is ‘motherfucker’ a proper word to call your friend?” Hange cried indignantly, crossing their arms over their chest. Levi pinched his forehead between his fingers, fighting to keep his temper in check. At that moment, he wanted nothing more to do than to throw Hange out the window so they would move out of the way.
“Move. You’re blocking the door to my room,” he hissed, stepping forward.
“Yes, that’s obviously what I intended,” Hange laughed softly, and Levi nearly groaned out loud with annoyance. “I was surprised when you didn’t show up to the rooftop, and I realized you must have gotten lost. I’m here to lead the way!”
“No. Move.”
“Come on Levi, please, you’ll have fun!” Levi tried sidestepping the brunette, but they blocked Levi’s path and smiled again.
“Please please everyone will be there! Come onnnn Levi, please! Please please!”
“Goddammit. Do you ever shut up? I said no.”
Hange’s voice was making his head hurt. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to forget, and…
And he wouldn’t be able to do that in his bed, just as he hadn’t been able to do it for the past month. On the other hand, if he was drunk…
“Fine. Let’s go.”
“Please Levi you- wait, what?”
“Do those stupid glasses make you deaf too? I said let’s go.”
Hange cried gleefully and rushed forward, circling an arm around Levi’s neck. He pushed them off with a grunt. Unfazed, they tried again and started pulling Levi forward before he had time to remove their arm.
“We’re going to have so much fun!”
Levi was already regretting his decision.
After a few minutes of Hange dragging him through the halls of the base, they reached the door that led to the rooftop. Hange turned to grin at him excitedly as they opened the door. Levi responded with a glare.
A cold gust of air hit him, and he shivered. He surveyed the crowd and he felt his stomach clench when everyone’s eyes glanced up to meet his. The expressions on the soldier’s faces ranged from confusion to mild annoyance. Levi frowned.
“Hey guys!” Hange cooed, bouncing excitedly on their feet, “I invited Levi! Fun, right?”
Levi braced himself for the moment where everyone would yell at Hange for inviting him, tell him he was not welcome, and send him off. Instead, everyone shrugged and returned to their drinks. What the hell?
“See?” Levi turned to the older soldier and found Hange was smiling at him slightly, “There was nothing to worry about. We’re going to have fun.”
Levi willed the angry expression in his eyes to die down and took a deep breath. Everything was all right. People didn’t seem to want to kill him, and he was going to get drunk and sleep well. The night was beautiful, and the moon was-
He froze. Hange turned back and said something, but Levi barely registered it. His eyes were fixed on the moon.
It was three-quarters full, just like it was that day when he’d come up here with Isabel and Furlan to watch the stars before the mission. Through the ringing in his ears, Levi heard her voice again: “Look, Bro! The moon is so bright!”
Someone was calling his name. The moon was casting its harsh light over the rooftop, judging him for surviving, judging him for not protecting them, for letting them die. Exactly one month had passed since that day when Levi had first stepped outside the walls, and the moon was reminding him of how he’d failed.
A hand fell on his shoulder, and he was brought back to reality. He twisted out of Hange’s grasp and took a few quick steps backward, to the safety of inside.
“Levi! Are you ok? You look pale…” Hange glanced down at his hands, which were trembling softly. Levi willed them to stop and coaxed his face into his usual bored frown.
“I’m going to sleep.”
This time, Hange said nothing when he turned around and slammed the door behind him. Levi rushed down the stairs and through the hallways, finally collapsing in front of his room. He curled in on himself, head on his knees with his arms wrapped around them, and willed his rushing heart to stop. This wasn’t him. He always had control of his emotions. He had to be okay, he couldn’t let their death affect him like this. He hadn’t killed them, it had been the Titan. It had been Lobov for sending them on that cursed mission in the first place. It wasn’t his fault.
When a shuddering breath slipped past his lips, Levi felt panic start to set in. When had he lost so much control? He was full out trembling now, and he wrapped his arms tighter around himself to control the shaking. He needed to get in his room; no one could see him like this.
He raised his head and his heart crashed to a stop. Squad Leader Erwin was standing in front of him, eyebrows furrowed slightly, mouth set in a thin line. Levi just stared at him, unable to speak. Just how long had he been standing there, seeing Levi break down?
“Levi, are you okay?” His voice was laced with concern, and Levi felt his embarrassment drain to be replaced by anger. How dare he act as if he cared?
“As if you give a fuck what I feel,” he snarled. Erwin’s frown deepened, “I’m fine.”
“You look pale. Are you nervous about the upcoming expedition?”
Levi stared at him incredulously for a few seconds before a ragged laugh rang in his throat.
“No, you asshole, it’s not the fu-”
“Oh,” Erwin interrupted. The pieces seemed to click inside his mind, and his eyes widened slightly for a fraction of a second with understanding. “I understand. I’m sorry. I’ve lost many of my friends too, and the first month is always the hardest.”
Levi was almost trembling with barely contained rage. When he’d gained back some semblance of control, he opened his mouth.
“Don’t you dare talk about them,” he whispered. Erwin blinked, shocked by the venom in Levi’s voice, “ You of all people have NO RIGHT to t-”
“Levi!” Erwin’s interrupted, eyes flashing dangerously, “Grief and losing loved ones is part of life in the Survey Corps. You can grieve, of course, but you can’t lose control. We’ve all learned to live with it, you have to learn too.”
Levi just stared at him, seeing red. Erwin continued.
“When we leave in two days you have to be in control of your emotions. It would be a disservice to Isabel and Furlan if you didn’t.”
“You didn’t know them, you can’t speak for them, don’t talk abo-”
“Enough Levi,” Erwin’s voice was calm, but it made Levi shut up instantly. Erwin’s frown lessened and he continued, “I admit I didn’t know them well, but I’m sure they wouldn’t have wanted you to die because you’re distracted with their deaths. They would have wanted you to live. So get a hold of yourself. The best way to honor them is to kill the beasts that took them from you.”
Levi could only stare silently at the Squad Leader, lips parted slightly in surprise. Erwin looked at him for a few seconds and stretched a hand out for Levi to take. When it became clear that the brunet was not going to take it, Erwin dropped it back to his side with a sigh.
“Get some sleep, soldier. I expect you to be at your best when we leave. Dismissed.”
Erwin turned on his heel and walked off, leaving Levi staring after him. The soldier slowly got to his feet and slipped into his room, removing his clothes quickly to fall into his bed. As much as he hated to admit it, Erwin was right. He couldn’t afford to be distracted when he faced the Titans again. He needed to be in control so he could kill every last one of them. He closed his eyes and willed sleep to come.
For the first time since he’d joined the Survey Corps, Levi was able to sleep. Although his nightmares still woke him up in the middle of the night, in the morning he felt better than he had in ages.
☼☼☼
The morning of the 24th Expedition Outside the Walls was on top of them. Levi tried to drown out the voices of the nervous soldiers around him to focus on Erwin. The Squad Leader was standing next to Commander Shadis, and he was reviewing for the final time the modifications that were made to the scouting formation. They would be using flare guns to communicate, a smart move from the blond. Shadis was nodding along to everything that Erwin said, and Levi wondered, not for the first time, who was the true commander of the corps. Erwin basically already handled every aspect of the Crops; Shadis was just a figurehead.
“Levi.”
Levi tore his gaze from Erwin to concentrate on Mike when he heard his name being called. He’d been transferred to the blond’s squad after the previous expedition. Levi suspected it was because Mike could take him in a fight should he try anything like what he did the last time. They would be riding next to Shadis and Erwin’s squad, in the center of the formation.
When Mike glared at him and stayed silent, Levi remembered his manners.
“Yes…?” When Mike glared deeper, Levi frowned, “Yes, Squad Leader ?”
He tried to coat his voice with as much contempt as he could, but the blond either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
“Stay behind me at all times, and don’t attack unless I tell you to. The success in these missions stands on the squad working together. Understood?”
“Understood.”
Mike nodded and returned to the front of the squad. Everyone was shuffling into their positions as the gate creaked slowly open.
“Soldiers!” Shadis roared, “Today we will finish the mission. Nothing will get in our way! We'll show those monsters the strength of humanity!”
Levi heard his comrades roars as they raised their fists in the air. He couldn't bring himself to cheer. Not today.
“We will now begin the 24th Expedition Beyond the Walls! Forward, everyone!”
The Survey corps thundered out of the gates. Levi breathed deeply and felt some tension melting away from his body. There were no walls here. He was free.
They spent the first two hours of the expedition galloping forward with no trouble. Levi let himself relax slightly. Everything was all right. They wouldn’t have to face any Titans. They would finish mapping out the area and they would be fine.
Every once in a while, Levi caught Erwin looking back over his shoulder to catch his gaze. What the hell? Does he think I’m going to try to kill him again? On one of those occasions, Levi shot back a defiant glare, hoping to get the blond to stop. Erwin raised an eyebrow (was that amusement he saw in his eyes?) and turned back around. Levi nearly let out an audible growl of frustration.
At exactly the two-hour mark, trouble hit. They were galloping across a wide plain, heading towards what seemed like a cluster of hills on the horizon, when they heard the telltale stomping of feet. Levi turned his head with a curse. To their right, two five-meter Titans were barreling towards them. A few hundred meters behind them, a large cluster of 5 and 8-meters were advancing in the same direction.
The right flank released the red flares, and Shadis shot a green flare to his left. The whole formation started shifting, but after a few minutes, it became evident that the Titans were approaching quicker than they could run.
“Mike!” Levi yelled, all formalities forgotten. The five-meters were only two hundred meters away from the squad. They needed to engage, now. “Mike! I can take them down!”
“Keep to the formation!”
Levi cursed and spurred his horse to go faster. These Titans had to be abnormals, they were moving way too fast. They would catch up, and it would be Isabel and Furlan all over again. There were no trees nearby where the soldiers could use their gear correctly. His heart hammered in his chest as he caught up to his Squad Leader.
“Mike! They’re all going to die!”
The blond turned his head, took one look at the Titans, and nodded. Levi stood up shakily in his horse, blades clutched in his grasp. The abnormals were only a hundred meters away now. There were no trees. He would have to improvise.
He took aim, and his hook hit right on the target: the Titan’s shoulder. With a soft hiss of gas, Levi was flying, wind whipping past his face so quickly that his eyes watered. The Titan saw him approaching, and just as it was raising its hand to slap Levi away, he released the hook and used the other to attach to the opposite arm. He curled around the Titan’s form, body straining from the momentum, until he had a clear view of the nape. He surged forward, twisting his blades, and brought them down against the soft skin. The titan collapsed immediately, and Levi had to jump to prevent the arm from crushing him. He curled in on himself as he fell, trying to break the impact of the fall.
Raising his head, he realized the other abnormal had missed him completely and was a few meters in front of him. This one would be easy. He clipped his hook directly onto the nape and brought down the titan with a quick swipe of his blades. When he fell, his horse was waiting for him, a few feet away. Without wasting time, he jumped on and pushed her into a run, trying to reach the rest of the formation. He’d bought them time. Now it was up to Shadis and Erwin to find a way to save them.
“We’re going to the trees. We won’t be able to move with that horde of titans at our heels,” Mike told him when Levi finally caught up.
“Who said?”
“Erwin.”
Levi fell back to his position, nodding to himself. It was a smart move from the Squad Leader; the trees would give them maneuver space and would make it easier to take down the Titans. The trees were a long way off to their left, and Levi prayed that they would reach them before the Titans.
It turned out Levi’s worries were unfounded. The Corps reached the forest well before the Titans and were currently perched on the tall branches, waiting for the Titans to catch up so they could swoop down and kill them. There was still a chance to save the mission. Levi was crouching on his branch, analyzing the foliage below.
He would kill as many Titans as he could today. He would kill every last one of them so that no one would die under his watch. This was his tribute to Isabel and Furlan, a way to find the redemption he knew he didn't deserve. With each kill, he hoped to chip away some of the guilt he felt, as if with each kill he was making sure that their deaths had meant something.
“Levi.”
The brunet turned to see Erwin land gracefully on his branch.
“I need you to go to the edge of the forest and take down the Titans as they start coming in. You have more experience than most of us with maneuvering between tight places. Mike, Rico, and Grace will be at the front as well. I assume the trees won’t be any trouble?”
“Yeah, ok,” Levi shrugged, “I'll take down the Titans.”
“Good.”
Erwin turned around, legs bent to fly away, and hesitated briefly. He turned around, regarded Levi for a few seconds with an expression he couldn’t quite place, and then took off.
Getting rid of the Titans was quick work. There were no more abnormals in the group, and using the trees as cover, Levi and the others were able to eliminate them with relatively no trouble. At one point, one was able to catch Grace, but Levi had swooped in quickly to kill it. The Corps were able to leave the forest relatively unscathed.
After they finished mapping out the hilly area they had set out to explore, Shadis finally gave the order to return back to base. Levi couldn’t contain the relieved sigh that escaped his lips when he heard this. One more mission and he was still alive. Yet, his relief disappeared as soon as they started galloping back to the walls. His heart slammed against his chest painfully as one of the carts holding the dead bodies drove past his side.
Sure, Levi had been able to save his squad when he killed the abnormals, and also the soldiers in the woods when he killed the others. But still, two entire squads in the right flank had been wiped out trying to stop the Titans from breaching the formation. People still died. Levi had never felt so helpless.
☼☼☼
Erwin found him in the bathroom, two hours after they’d reached base. Everyone was having dinner and celebrating the successful mission, but Levi couldn’t bring himself to eat. Instead, he’d opted to hide in the bathroom, furiously scrubbing his skin raw, trying to remove the imaginary titan blood from his skin.
Erwin stood in the doorway for a few seconds, frowning slightly at the brunet, before stepping inside and shutting the door. Levi ignored him, too focused on the soap and water running down his arms.
“Levi,” he tried. No answer. “Levi.”
Levi continued scrubbing. He felt disgusting and useless, and the guilt was so overwhelming that he thought he would break down right there and then, and-
“Levi!” A hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality. He dropped the soap, watched it clatter to the center of the sink. He didn't turn around, even though he felt Erwin’s presence behind him. He couldn’t face the Squad Leader when he was like this, so out of control that it was painful to watch.
“Levi, look at me.”
Reluctantly, he turned around, and Erwin took a step back, putting some distance between their bodies. Levi couldn’t make out the expression in those piercing blue eyes that regarded him thoughtfully. He thought that on another person, it might look like pity, and felt a surge of anger pass through his body.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he snapped. He didn’t want anyone’s pity. He wasn’t weak.
“You did well today, Levi. Thank you.”
Levi’s anger simmered out instantly. Out of all the things he thought Erwin Smith might say to him, thank you was the one option he hadn’t considered.
“Thank you? Thank you? What in the world are you thanking me for?”
“You saved us today. Without you killing those two abnormals, many soldiers in Mike’s squad may have died. And you took down many Titans in the woods. The mission was a success. You did well.”
“Success?” Levi frowned, “Two entire squads were wiped out. Do you call that a success?”
Erwin blinked, surprised at Levi’s outburst.
“Levi, death is something that you will have to come to terms with on this job. Those soldiers gave their lives for the dream they believed in, a world without Titans. Their sacrifice allowed us to map out more land than we have been able to in a long time. The death rate for this mission is one of the lowest ever recorded for expeditions outside the walls. It was a huge success.”
“I could have helped them. If I was in the right flank th-”
“Then you might have died,” Erwin finished for him, “And you wouldn’t have saved Mike’s squad. And next time they could attack from the left. Or in the center.”
Levi turned around. He didn’t want to hear Erwin’s words anymore, most of all because the blond was actually making sense.
“You can never predict what the Titans will do. The most we can do is train hard and find ways for most of us to survive. But there isn’t a mission where we will be safe. It’s part of the sacrifice we have to make to eradicate those beasts once and for all. To reach our dream.”
Levi nodded, still looking away. His anger had faded and had been replaced with weariness. He just wanted to rest.
“Levi, they’re not Isabel and Furlan. You don’t have to save everyone.”
“What?” Levi glanced up sharply. Images of Isabel’s eyes, dull and dead, flashed into his head, “This has nothing to do with them!”
“You’re not responsible for everyone. Just try to save the ones on your squad, and that will be enough to honor them. You’ll atone for your sins.”
After a long silence, Levi finally nodded. Erwin was right. He’d been right from the start. He would make do with what he had.
“Okay,” the brunet sighed, “Okay, I will.”
Levi’s voice sounded strange even to his own ears. He sounded defeated. In the span of three days, he’d already broken down in front of Erwin twice. He couldn’t let it happen again. He schooled his face into an indifferent frown before he turned to face the blond.
“Is that all?”
Erwin blinked, took a deep breath, and finally nodded. “Get some rest.”
Just before he stepped out the door, Erwin turned back for a moment. His eyes had gained a shine to them that Levi had not seen since that day in the Underground when the blond was standing over his kneeling form.
“You’re everything I hoped you’d be when I recruited you.”
Erwin shut the bathroom door and Levi was finally alone with his thoughts. He took several deep breaths and willed his heart to slow down.
Very well, Erwin. I’ll be your weapon. I’ll be more than what you hoped for. I may not understand why we’re doing this, or why all these lives are being sacrificed for something that seems so pointless. But I don’t have to understand. Not when I have you.
I’ll follow you, Erwin Smith. You’re gazing up at something I can’t even see. I’ll follow you until we reach this dream of yours, or until we die.