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Watching comrades and subordinates die in front of him again and again had become part of his life. It always stung a bit, to be left there standing, but he was used to it. He had learnt that anyone he cared about could die any given second. That’s just what life in their world was like.
But only nine survivors… of the more than two hundred that they had started with. He wanted to scream. He wanted to kick and scream and cry, but he couldn’t. Not with all the kids remaining looking up to him.
He sat by the wall, arms around his knees and stared up at the bed. A scene that was oddly reminiscent. Yet again, he was still alive, and by himself, just as powerless as he had been then, even after more than two decades had gone by.
“Wake up… Please, wake up…” he whispered, fully aware that this time too, the one on the bed was not going to wake up.
He didn’t quite understand why exactly this hurt so much. The pain in his chest made it impossible to even get up and walk to the side of the bed. It’s not like he hadn’t lost people before… First his mother, then Isabel and Farlan, his entire squad on more than one occasion… But this, this was his decision, wasn’t it? Was this just another decision he was going to regret for the rest of his life?
“You bastard… Why did you leave this decision to me?”
He chuckled as he said those words out loud. Isn’t that how they had met in the first place? Wasn’t it he who had decided he was going to be the one to kill Erwin Smith? Was this destiny, then? Or a cruel joke fate was playing on him?
Looking back on back then, he never would have predicted any of this. Not the Corps, not the people he’d grow to care for, not the sheer number of people looking up to him… especially not falling in love, of all wretched things that life could have thrown at him.
Life as he knew had always been cold. It had started cold in that dingy room in the underground, in his mother’s gentle yet so cold hands. The blade that Kenny, his uncle, had handed him was cold steel too. He’d grown up all too familiar with the cold. Then came the outside, and with it came the sun… and the rain. Cold rain. His first mission outside the walls. He wondered what would have happened if he had indeed taken his chance and killed him then and there.
Then life would have continued to be cold. He never would have known what warmth felt like. The warmth that Erwin always carried within him. He was always warm. At first it had bothered him. It felt unreal, everything about Erwin did. He was a mystery Levi could never solve, and it scared him sometimes in the beginning.
He still clearly remembered their first time talking about it. A winter night in a cabin on the outskirts of some wood. A small scouting mission. His hand had accidentally touched Erwin’s as they sat by the firepit discussing plans.
‘Levi, are you okay? Is it too cold here?’
‘Nah, I’m fine.’
‘Your hands-’
‘Always cold.’
‘Give them to me.’
Without waiting Erwin had grabbed both his hands in his and he had been taken too aback by the warmth to react. They sat there in silence beside each other for a few minutes before he got back to his senses and yanked his hands away.
‘Better?’
‘Just what the hell are you? A fire demon? How are your hands this warm?’
Erwin had just laughed. But his hands did feel warmer, even if only for a few seconds. He hadn’t known then, but he’d gradually learn that his hands weren’t the only warm thing about him. His lips were warm too… and soft… and so gentle.
He was surprised yet again by just how gentle Erwin was. He had fully expected a man of his size and strength to be a brute. But his touch was always gentle. A pat on the back, an arm around his shoulder, using him as an elbow rest to annoy him, the arm around his waist when they were alone… He realised it wasn’t some form of pity or a farce. Erwin really just was that gentle. And he found himself craving that touch more and more. He sought after that warmth whenever he felt overwhelmed, or upset, or riddled with guilt… and he always found it; beside him, then on top of him, engulfing him till his mind couldn’t focus on anything but the warmth, and his name being murmured in that deep voice. It overwhelmed him each time; and he loved every second of it.
He crawled over to the side of the bed and slowly touched the exposed palm. He prided himself in being a rational man, but he refused to believe the very obvious truth right in front of him. There was no warmth.
“Hey… Erwin. Your hand… Your hand is cold… It’s cold… Why is it cold?”
He buried his face into the mattress, not knowing whether to laugh or cry at his own stupidity. The warmth, his warmth, Erwin’s warmth… was gone. Forever. He’d never asked for happiness; he knew it was an idiot’s dream in the life they led. But not being cold was nice. He wrapped his arms around himself in a poor imitation of the hug he wanted right then more than anything else.
“I should have broken your fucking legs right there.” he sobbed.
What if he had done it? Would Erwin be alive? He knew the answer quite well… If not for Erwin, the plan would have never worked. It was essential that he led the dying charge. If not for him… they would all be dead. A necessary sacrifice for humanity’s sake. He scoffed.
But wasn’t this why he chose to follow him in the first place? Something about Erwin had told him he would not regret following this man straight to hell, if that’s where he led the charge. So, he had followed his intuition and trusted Erwin’s judgement. The man was hardly ever wrong after all.
They had retrieved some diaries from that basement. They were yet to read the things, but there was enough proof to tell him that what Erwin had believed was true. His father’s theory was indeed correct. Humanity did exceed outside the walls. He only wished he could somehow convey that much to Erwin. He wondered what Erwin might have done after they found the truth.
He had once told Erwin about the tea shop he’d always dreamed of. Erwin had been insistent he would work there too.
‘I wouldn’t hire you.’
‘Why not?’
‘You can’t even make a proper cup. Why would I hire you?’
‘Well, I can be useful for other things too.’
‘Oh? Like what?’
‘Let’s see… I could reach all the top shelves for you. I could be serving the tea you make. We both know I’m better at talking to people than you are.’
‘You asshole!’
Levi had smacked him in the chest and he had laughed. They had both laughed about it all. Oh, what he would give to go back to laughing over imaginary tea shops in the middle of the night huddled together in bed. Even helping the one-armed bastard with shaving and dressing in his quarters seemed like a dream life so far away.
“Levi? Are you in there?” the door creaked open as Zoe poked her head in.
He didn’t trust himself to answer. He continued to sit there at the foot of the bed, trying to hold back his sobs.
She entered the room and softly shut the door behind her. He heard as footsteps drew closer and stopped right in front of him.
“What do you want, four eyes?”
“Are you okay?”
He let out a barking laugh at the question and looked up at her. “You tell me? Do I look like a man who is okay?”
“I really dunno... also, three eyes now, remember?” she sat down beside him and leaned onto his shoulder.
“Oh… oh yeah. Sorry about that.”
“Hey Levi…?”
“What?”
“Do you trust me as commander?”
“... I do.”
“Well, that makes one of us.”
“He chose you. I trust his decision. He’s never been wrong.”
“True… I wonder what he saw in me to leave this to me…”
“I don’t know. I’ve never quite known exactly what he saw.”
“Neither did I. Guess this just is another one of his gambles then…”
“Maybe.”
They sat in silence for a few seconds before she spoke again.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Saying no never stopped you. Shoot.”
“Why didn’t you choose him? I always thought you would choose him over everything else…”
“Why would you think that?”
“You and him… You weren’t exactly a secret… I knew, quite a few of us knew…”
“... I see.”
“So…?”
“I… I wanted to, but couldn’t bring myself to. He had so much blood already on his hands, I couldn’t bring myself to turn him into any more of a demon… He deserved a hero’s death, don’t you think?”
“... Didn’t you just want to be selfish for once?”
“He put humanity above himself. I learnt from him to dedicate myself to something greater than myself. Selfishness here would have been disrespectful.”
“So, you don’t regret this decision?”
“To let him go? No. Now whether I will regret saving the kid… only time will tell.”
She wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him into an embrace. He found himself returning the gesture without protest. He saw the tears down her cheeks through his own blurry vision as they stayed locked in embrace.
“How many more… Just how many more before all of this can stop?” she asked.
“I don’t know. All we can do is fight. Make sure their deaths mean something.”
She got up first and pulled him to his feet. She moved the cloak covering the body on the bed, and he found himself turning away. He didn’t want to see. He wanted to remember Erwin like he was in his memories; strong, wise, and full of warmth. She tapped his shoulder and handed him something. Erwin’s tie.
“He has no family. No one’s gonna be missing that.” She walked towards the door, “We’re about to start reading. I came to call you. You should be there.”
“Yes, Commander.” he nodded.
She left the door open as she walked off. He planted a quick kiss on the green stone and gently put the tie in his breast pocket. He shut the door behind him.
x-x-x-x
He stood at the headstone after everyone had left. The last conversation with his uncle ran through his mind.
All of us had to be drunk on something, or else we’d have no cause to keep pushing on... What’s your poison?
He finally understood what it was for him- Warmth.
“I’m gonna kill that fucking beast titan, just like I said I would. Just wait for me, okay? I’m going to fill my rightful place beside you, just be a little patient.”