Work Text:
Bake Off
**
The grocery bags hit the counter with a loud enough thud, Craig was sure it woke Kenny from his day off day nap. He hadn’t meant to buy so much stuff, it was supposed to be just a few baking ingredients, but as he stood in the baking aisle looking at his phone with a list of ingredients, he suddenly realized he’d need extra incase he fucked up, which was bound to happen since he’d never actually baked before. One bag of flour turned into four and since he had bought that much flour he needed extra yeast and extra sugar and extra cinnamon and milk and eggs and- Next thing Craig knew, the cart was full like he was panic buying bread ingredients for the pandemic. He put half of everything back and added in some more basic groceries he was sure they needed so he looked slightly less like a PTA mom determined to have the best bake sale.
“Whatcha got there, boo boo?” Kenny asked as he sleepily walked towards the fridge.
“I thought it would be fun to bake something.”
“DON’T YOU DARE!”
Craig turned towards Tweek who was speed walking towards the kitchen from the stairs. He was slightly confused until Kenny grumbled and he heard the cupboard shut. It was a bad habit of Kenny’s to drink straight from the container. Craig didn’t mind it so much but Tweek hated it.
“What brought on this new urge to embrace your inner 50’s housewife?”
“What’s wrong with baking?” Tweek asked as he started to pull out stuff.
“Oh I don’t know. Maybe because it’s a craft that has been glorified by television making said craft more and more expensive just like everything else white, upper class people get their disgusting fingers into. Once something poor people did to stay alive is now considered a hobby and inflation takes over making it something only middle age white women can afford to do.” Kenny downed his glass of juice allowing the two to think over his words. “Also it's something trophy housewives wanting to live like they are Mrs Beaver do.”
“Hey! I like to bake!” Tweek protested as he slammed the jar of cinnamon down.
“Point proven.”
Tweek rolled his eyes, turning towards Craig. “It’s alright. Kenny’s just jealous baking is a fine art. I’ll teach you.”
Kenny scoffed as he left the kitchen mumbling about Craig and art.
“I should admit something.” Craig stated as he turned back towards Tweek. “I’m doing this to enter a baking contest.”
“Which baking contest?” Tweek was moving around the kitchen grabbing bowls and measuring cups.
“That one that’s held at the county fair.”
“Oh.” Tweeks voice dropped like he'd just told him someone died. “Oh Craig. You do know that the same person wins that every year.”
“Really?”
Tweek nodded solemnly. “Yeah. Every year for like the past 10 years. They never make the same thing twice so it’s impossible to pin down their baking style to create something to out do them. I entered for a few years but man, coming in second to them is rough.”
“No harm in trying though, right?” Craig wasn’t going to let this ruin his dream of giving his boy friends a new kitchen. Tweek and Kenny cooked all of their meals and on more than one occasion they complained about something. One of the stove burners went out and it upset Kenny as it was the only big one. Tweek complains how long it takes for the oven to preheat. There is a serious lack of cupboard space and half of their pots and bakeware are in a closet upstairs. Craig just wanted the prize money to renovate the kitchen for the two men who kept him fed.
“Alright. We can definitely try. What were you wanting to make?”
Tweek got to work showing Craig the basics like measuring correctly, what the hell a dough hook was, and how the fuck sifting worked. After much debate, the two settled on melon bread, though Tweek warned Craig he needed a twist to it if he were to impress the judges. In the meantime, Tweek would show Craig what to do. They started with cinnamon rolls, something small and easy and not entirely time consuming, but there was a problem. Craig had to wait for the dough to rise. Sure he could fill that time by making the filling, which he did, and the icing, which he also did, but the dough took longer.
When Tweek finally announced the dough was ready, Craig got to work, following Tweeks instructions. Just as he was feeling as if he would be a great baker with Tweek’s instructions, Craig had to wait again. How the fuck did people handle this??
***
The first attempt at what Craig was calling Ja-pan because he thought he was hilarious, failed. It was an utter failure. Though he supposed he should have paid attention to the timer instead of listening to Kenny talk about nonsense things after explaining pan was bread in Japan. The second time was better but the entire thing was kind of bland.
Tapping into his college research skills, Craig began the long journey finding a delicious melon bread. He tried melon extract, even tried Midori hoping the alcohol would give it a unique flavor, but it still wasn't enough to wow their hardest critic, Kenny. He tried filling them with red bean paste, but it just made the whole thing weird even without the melon extract. Miso had the same result as the red bean. Strawberry and melon were okay but just that, okay.
Just as Craig was about to give up, he found some old Matcha powder in their cupboard. Why not, it's not like it could be worse than Kenny's seaweed idea.
Craig found the flavors odd but good. Perhaps he should have used fresh matcha rather than something left over from god knows when, though it was within expectation. Kenny however was shocked when it found it so good and ate a second one.
"This is too fucking good, what the fuck Craig."
It was a win. Craig went to bed that night, knowing his newest batch with it's crunchy cookie shell and soft bread inners, unburnt and beautiful green would win at the fair tomorrow. There was no way something so delicious and beautiful looking could win. It took a while and he was cutting it close but Craig went to bed with hope in his heart. Kenny and Tweek were getting a new kitchen. And perhaps he would enjoy it too.
The call of the bathroom woke Craig up. He was a little surprised to not find Kenny in bed with them, but it may not be as late as he believed. Kenny usually worked until 2 am and would stay up later than them, to not destroy his sleep schedule on his days off. The lights in the kitchen were on, so after a pee, Craig made his way down to see what Kenny was doing.
Standing at the counter, decorating the most gorgeous cake Craig had ever laid eyes on was a woman dressed as a 50's housewife. With her lavender polka dotted A-line dress and frilly apron, she was everything a housewife wished she were. The many pipe bags laid out on the counter as she decorated the lavender colored cake with equally pastel colors.
It took entirely too long to realize they didn't have a housewife. They had a Kenny, who was way better in Craig's opinion.
"What the fuck are you doing, Kenny?"
"Nothing, Craig. You're just sleeping."
Craig hummed, prepared to accept this as fact and go back to bed. He was obviously still dreaming if Kenny was baking like a pro, but as he turned to leave, he felt someone brush against him.
"What the fuck is going on?"
"You're sleepwalking," Kenny answered but Tweek wasn't buying it.
"Are you- are you seriously Mrs Doubtfire? Kenny!? ARE YOU? HOW DID I NOT SEE IT?"
Kenny sighed and placed his pipe bag down. "Oh my God. Yes. I'm the person who wins every year."
"Wha- how? Why? Why the dress and shit?"
"I guess you deserve to know."
"YEAH!" Tweek yelled. He realized he was a little too loud and lowered his voice. "Yeah I do! I was deviated for years because I couldn't beat you. And also I fuck you so yeah, I deserve to know."
"Hey!" Craig protested. "I fuck him too. I deserve to know this big ol secret."
"I said, I would tell you." Kenny huffed, stepping away from his cake. "It started when we were in school. My parents had been arrested, I couldn't legally get a job, but the fair was in town. I baked my grandma's apple pie and won. $10,000 is a lot when you're a starving teen with a sister. But, at the time, they still only allowed women, and Karen was a terrible liar. So I used her name. The next year I entered again and won. By 17, I didn't need to enter but it was a fucking thru winning. They allowed men, so I said I wanted to enter under a pseudonym. And when I won, I donated half the money to the food bank. And so the most obvious ruse was born."
No one said a word as they processed what Kenny was saying.
"I'm still going to enter." Criag finally announced.
"Good. I enjoy the challenge."
Craig wandered back to bed, dreams of defeating Kenny in his head. It wasn't until he was too close to sleep did he realize Tweek hasn't followed.
***
Craig hadn't stood a chance. He realized that once he arrived at the fair and saw Kenny's extravagant cake with taste cupcakes for the guests. It was gorgeous and the cupcakes were divine. How the fuck Kenny did it, he didn't know. Though judging by the upset look on Tweeks face, he did. Well, now he knew. He supposed Kenny told him last night.
The cake was so good, there was no surprise when Kenny's cake was announced. Craig didn't feel bad, Kenny deserved it, even if they weren't going to get the new kitchen. Complaining about the money going to charity was a dick move and Craig wasn't about that.
Instead he looked at the sad kitchen and sighed. Perhaps he could pull out some money from his 401k for a new stove. At least that would be a huge upgrade. Maybe a glass top, induction heat one. Something nice for his cooks. And a little for him.
Tweek and Kenny stood on either side of Craig. It was oddly comforting when it was loved ones.
"I guess since you guys know, I can spend the money."
"What?" Craig was honestly confused.
"I was giving 5 grand to the food bank and keeping 5 grand for myself for the past 8 years. I was saving the money in case the roof exploded or a train came crashing through."
"Not a bad idea," Craig admitted. They each had a bit of savings but not enough to cover extreme damage the insurance company wouldn't cover.
"Yeah, but what's the point of saving it if I won't spend it on the crisis happening as we speak."
This caught both Craig and Tweek off guard and the looked at Kenny, questioningly, waiting for more details.
"The kitchen. God are we all dumb?"
"Yes we are," Tweek answered, "but you don't have to point it out."
"Wait you're going to what?"
"Upgrade the kitchen like you wanted. Tweek told me and I feel like a little bad because that melon pan was fucking delicious."
Craig just accepted it for what it was. He didn't care as long as his loves got a new kitchen.