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"Peter! Peter, look!" I exclaimed, pointing at a small purple bird with yellow feathers crowning its head. "What's that?"
He smiled, following my gaze. "That's called a never bird, Y/N."
"Are they friendly?"
My caretaker chuckled. "Yes, very. You could probably pet it if you wanted to."
I gasped. "Really?"
"Really. Here," he extended a hand and made a soft cooing noise, catching the bird's attention. It flapped its wings and flew over, landing on his wrist. "Go ahead."
Hesitantly, I reached for the bird, which didn't flinch when my hand rested on its back and began to stroke its velvety feathers. "It's so soft!"
"Yes. They're enchanted birds, Y/N."
"What can they do?"
"Well, they're very smart. And they have magical songs that make people feel happy when they hear them."
There was a ruckus in the bushes behind us and Felix came running out of the jungle, the never bird taking off and flying into the treetops. "Hello, Pan. Hey, Y/N."
I waved. "Hi, Felix!"
He crouched down to be at eye level with me. "You're getting so big. I swear, it feels like only yesterday you were just baby."
"But I'm a big kid now."
"Yes, you are. How old are you?" He asked with a smile and a playful glint in his eyes. "You must be, what, twenty?"
"No! I'm four and a half!" I held up my fingers to emphasize my point, then paused, examining my hands. How did I show a half?
He laughed. "Oh, yeah, that's right."
Peter interrupted the exchange. "Why did you come, Felix?"
"Wendy," He answered. "She's asking for you."
"Sorry, tell her I'm busy. She knows that I always devote at least two hours to Y/N. Besides, we're just about to start our swimming lesson and I have to give Y/N a bath after that."
"She won't like that."
"She'll get over it. Okay, Y/N. You ready?"
"Yes!" I cheered, already wading into the cove and splashing.
Peter entered after me while Felix headed back to camp. He caught my arm before I could go any deeper, stopping me. "Whoa, slow down. Okay, so last week, you learned how to hold your breath, remember?"
I nodded enthusiastically and shoved my face in the water with puffed up cheeks to prove it. The water was warm and pleasant, but I straightened again, wiping water from my eyes. "See?"
"Yes, I see. Alright, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to hold on to you and you're going to kick your legs. That will help you stay above water and kicking is how you move forward."
"Okie-Dokie."
He chuckled and took each of my hands, holding tightly. "Whenever you're ready, you can lift up your feet."
I took a deep breath before losing my footing on the bottom. Immediately, I started to sink, yelping, but Peter looped an arm around my middle so that my head stayed above water.
"There you go. I've got you. Now try kicking your legs."
I did as I was told, sending water droplets spraying everywhere. He laughed and turned his face away. "Maybe not that much!"
"Sorry."
"It's fine, you're learning. How do you feel? Comfortable? Nervous?"
"I feel okay. But don't let go!"
"I won't. I'm just going to start walking. Kick your legs to get the feel of it." He took slow steps deeper into the cove as his grip loosened and I was able to keep myself afloat a bit more. "Okay, how do you feel about trying it on your own?"
"I'm ready!"
He let me go and stepped back, close enough to grab me if I started sinking, but far enough away that I could swim by myself. I kicked my legs and swung my arms, moving forward at a slow pace.
"I'm doing it! Peter, look, I'm doing it!"
He beamed with pride. "Good job, Y/N!"
"I'm swimming!"
"You bet you are!
I laughed and swam as fast as I could, which wasn't very fast compared to the speed that the lost boys could swim at, but it was a lot better than I was doing last week.
"You're a natural, Y/N, but we've got to head back to camp."
A pout crossed my lips as I doggy paddled back into his waiting arms. "Why?"
"Because Wendy needs me and I can't help her until after you've had a bath, so we need to get moving or she'll be waiting a long time."
"But Peter-"
"No 'but's, darling. I'll play with you this afternoon"
That made me feel a little bit better. "Promise?"
"Promise."
He let me swim back to shore alone, then he carried me back to camp.
He had a small cabin that we lived in with a cute bathroom. His hand waved in the direction of the tub and it filled up with warm, bubbly water.
Peter helped me shimmy out of my swimsuit and jump in the bath before rolling up his sleeves and grabbing the cup on the shelf to collect water. He put his hand at my forehead to block any water from getting in my eyes while he poured it in my hair.
"Peter?"
"Hmm?"
"Which do you think are better: pancakes or waffles?"
He considered the question while lathering his hands with shampoo and beginning to work it into my hair. "Pancakes, probably."
"Pancakes!" I yelled spontaneously. "Get it? Like your name? Peter Pan, Pancakes!"
"Yeah," He laughed, rinsing my hair. "You could say that. And I suppose you like pancakes more, too?"
"No, I like waffles. There's more food per square centipede," I concluded, using a fancy, smart person term that I had heard Felix use a couple of times.
"Centimeter, darling. But that's a very good point."
When my bath was done, Peter scooped me up out of the tub and dried me off in a fluffy yellow towel with a hood that looked like a duck. We had a whole cabinet full of hooded towels, each a different animal: zebra, horse, lion, sheep, frog, rabbit, bird- you name it.
He also helped me get dressed and told me to behave while he went to talk to Wendy. After that, he left, leaving me alone in the cabin.
Our cabin was nice. It had two beds on either side of the room. One was Peter's and the other was mine. In the corner by the door was a small kitchen and in the other was storage, including a bin of my toys.
I played with some of those for a while before deciding I was bored and wandering out of the cabin to find a playmate. The lost boys all liked me and would always take the time to entertain me, so I just went to the first one I saw.
"Devin!" I pulled on his sleeve and he looked down, smiling.
"Hey, Y/N."
"Will you play with me?"
He nodded. "Yeah, what do you want to play?"
That was a hard question. There were just so many options. Hopscotch, jump rope, red rover, Simon says, duck duck goose, chase...
"Hide and seek!"
"We'll need a group for that." He turned around to call out to some of his friends. "Hey, Alex, Jack, Cainan! Y/N wants to play hide and seek."
Alex, a dark-skinned lost boy with a scarred face from a battle with the pirates, came over. "Yeah, sure. Jack? Cainan?"
Jack nodded. He was a friendly, awkward boy with long hair parted down the middle and a constant spacey expression.
"I'm in," Cainan agreed. He was one of the older boys that were always full of more energy than they knew what to do with. "I'll go get Darien, Mathew, and Ayden."
Soon enough, we had a whole party to play the game. Ayden, who was insufferably responsible, volunteered to count first, and we all dispersed. I dashed through the underbrush and found a very climbable tree to shimmy up and hide in the branches of.
Once he reached sixty, Ayden began searching for us. I was one of the first to be found, but that was okay because it meant that I got to skip along behind him while he looked for the others.
Darien was found under a bush, Mathew in a log, Jack wedged between some boulders, Cainan also in a tree, and Devin behind some crates.
"Let's play again!" I suggested.
"Can I play this time?" Came a female voice. Walking beside Peter, Wendy Darling was joining the group. Instantly, multiple boys straightened or fixed their hair.
Devin nodded nervously. "Y- Yeah, Wendy! That'd be great!"
"Will you play, too, Peter?" I asked eagerly.
He sighed. "I'm sorry, love, I can't. I've got to train some of the other boys. You have fun, though."
My heart sank, but I smiled anyway. "Okay."
He walked off and Cainan, noticing the sad look on my face, knelt down to give me a side hug. "It's alright, Y/N. We'll play with you. Ready to go again?"
"Yeah," I answered, shaking off my disappointment.
"I'll count," Wendy volunteered and closed her eyes. "One... two... three..."
As soon as she started, I darted off into the jungle, looking for an even better place to hide. This time, I went much further from camp. In fact, I was so far off that it was unlikely that Wendy would ever find me. I'd probably win after they all gave up.
Eventually, I ducked under a small ledge and crawled into an indention in a cliff just big enough to fit me if I drew my knees up to my chest, trying not to make much noise.
I had no idea how long I was under there before I heard footsteps crunching on the leaves and twigs. It was a while, that's for sure.
Wendy crouched down and spotted me. "There you are. We've been looking for you for forever. You won."
I smiled back. "I won?"
"Yeah. But like I said, everyone's searching for you. We all went out and took different sections of the island to scour. I was assigned to this area. There aren't any lost boys nearby. Just you and me."
"Oh," I responded, unsure what to say.
She squinted at me critically, sitting down. "You made Peter worried sick."
Guilt began to gnaw at me and I pulled my knees in closer. "I didn't mean to. Is he mad?"
"Mad? Are you kidding? He never gets mad at you. He thinks you're an angel that can do no wrong and he's all over you."
"What do you mean?" I asked, crawling out and sitting cross-legged beside her.
"I mean that he spends all his time with you. I swear, I could be literally dying and he'd choose to teach you your ABC's before helping me."
I crossed my arms indignantly and huffed. "I already know my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, G-"
"Stop it. I don't need you to prove it. The point is that you're practically his child or sibling or something like that. And me? I'm his girlfriend and he barely even spends time with me because he's taking care of you."
"He talked to you today," I stated, confused.
"Yeah, for, like, ten minutes. You're always getting in our way."
Again, guilt soaked through me. "I'm getting in his way?"
She laughed bitterly, shaking her head in disbelief. "Oh my god. Yes! How did you not know that? His life is a thousand times harder with you around. You're so much work. You're like some kind of leech."
"What's a leech?"
Wendy rolled her eyes and stood up, brushing off her clothes. "Something that bites people and latches on, then it doesn't let go. It takes from its host and never gives anything in return- like you. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Just get up. We have to get back to camp before Peter rips his hair out in worry."
"Why would he do that?"
"It's an expression. Now come on," she commanded, walking away while I scrambled after her.
Was what she said true? Did I never give anything in return to Peter? I tried to be as good as possible and he said I was a great kid all the time, but maybe that wasn't enough.
I always thought of the lost boys as being my brothers, and Peter as being my dad. I'd never met my real parents, but Peter had told me that they weren't good people and that he took me away for my safety. They were way better than whoever was related to me by blood, anyway.
We arrived in camp and I saw Peter pacing anxiously, wringing his hands until he spotted us.
"Y/N! Where have you been?" He demanded.
My eyes felt glued to the forest floor. "I was hiding but I didn't know the game was over. I'm sorry."
He sighed, ruffling my hair. "It's okay. It was an accident. You just scared me."
Scared him. I scared him.
I guess I really did make his life harder.
He picked me up and gave Wendy a kiss goodbye before heading to the cabin and plopping me down on my bed. His hair was disheveled from running his hands through it and he seemed weary, but he still smiled kindly at me.
"Let's get you in your PJs." He went over to the dresser, opening the bottom drawer and getting a matching set. They were blue, cotton, and fuzzy, one of my favorite pairs. While up, he turned off the main lights, opting for a singular lamp instead.
Pajamas in hand, he came back to my side and began unlacing my shoes.
"I can do it," I said, stopping him. If I could do something for myself, I should. I didn't want to be a problem for Peter.
"Okay."
Untying them was hard, but I managed to get my shoes off and peel away my socks, too, while he handed me the pajamas, which I changed into. They were well-loved and the fabric was thinning at my feet, but I'd wear them for as long as I could.
"Story or song?" Peter asked while I scrambled up onto the twin-sized bed.
"Song!"
He waved his hand at the lamp and it turned off. I used to be afraid of the dark, but then Peter took me on a walk at night to the bluffs and showed me all the constellations. After that, I realized that night was pretty, and I'd never felt scared of it since.
I wiggled under the covers, which Peter tucked under my chin. "Which one do you want to hear?"
"The one about the river, please."
Peter nodded, brushing a hand through my hair and gently stroking it while he got comfortable. He began to sing my favorite lullaby. Its lyrics were beautiful, describing various magical places and the wonder in each for them. As he sang quietly, I felt myself relax into my pillow and my eyelids grow heavy.
The song finished and I felt Peter kiss my forehead, whispering, "Goodnight, darling. I love you," before slipping into sleep.
~+~
Over the next week, I dedicated hours to helping Peter. I was determined not to be a leech: I would help Peter since he helped me.
It was a bit messy, though.
I tried carrying some water buckets back to camp for the boys, but they spilled everywhere and I got covered in mud. Peter had just chuckled and taken me home for a bath, but I felt bad. All I'd done was create more work for him.
Then I decided to help the boys hunt. I'd received a little bit of training, so I went on an expedition across the island for a deer or something. I wasn't actually sure what I was looking for. But then I ended up tripping and falling into Crocodile Creek. Peter had swooped in and saved me at the very last second and I received an emotional lecture about being safe. All the while, Wendy stood behind him, staring at me as if to say, 'See? I'm right.'
With two unsuccessful attempts under my belt, I told myself that the third time is the charm and went to the Tiki Forest to get some berries. Unfortunately, the boys had set lots of traps there for game, so I ended up hanging from a tree by my ankle until Devin found me and helped me down.
It seemed like I was completely useless, so I tried to be on my best behavior and get him lots of gifts.
"Peter?" I asked, tugging the bottom of his shirt.
He turned around, kneeling. "What is it, Y/N?"
Proudly, I held up a macaroni necklace. "It's for you!"
"Thank you," he said, laughing and slipping it over his neck. "I love it. Run along, now. I have a lot of work to do. But then we'll play catch."
"Okay!"
I dashed off, almost colliding with Wendy. I smiled up at her. "Wendy, Wendy!"
"What?" She snapped.
"I thought about what you said. About leeches. But I fixed it!"
One of her brows arched. "Fixed it? How?"
I pointed at Peter, who was over by the fire, talking to Jack. "I made him that. The necklace. Isn't it pretty?"
Wendy scoffed. "No."
"Well, Peter likes it. He said so."
She sighed. "Listen, Y/N, he's lying. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It's made of noodles. It looks like some kind of elementary school craft you'd make on the first day of school. Just face it, he'd be better off without you."
Before I could respond, she pushed past me and went to go kiss Peter's cheek and join him at the fireside.
My eyes welled with tears. I'd spent hours making the necklace. I thought it was nice. But she was right. Looking at it now, I realized how ugly it was and felt a burning shame. No wonder I was a leech.
Wendy had been right multiple times before, so she was probably right about her last statement, too.
Peter would be better off without me.
This in mind, I ran off into the forest as fast as I could on short legs, crying and not stopping until I couldn't breathe.
I collapsed beneath a tree, sobbing freely. No matter what I did, I would always let Peter down. I bet even if I had a bazillion dollars, he'd still hate me.
A small voice in my head resisted. He said he loved me all the time, didn't he?
He must have been lying. Just like with the macaroni.
When I could, I gathered myself up and started looking for shelter. I wouldn't be a leech anymore. I could live on my own, right? How hard could it be?
My new home came in the form of a small cave on the northern side of the island. I curled up inside, wiping away tears and hiccuping quietly- lost and alone.
As night came and the island was plunged into darkness, I realized that I was only unafraid of the dark when I had Peter beside me.
Without him, I didn't feel quite so brave.
~+~
It had been too long since I'd last eaten. My tummy was making lots of growling noises that sounded like bears. Very big, very angry bears that were crashing around inside my belly.
Peter had taught me a little bit about which berries were safe to eat and which ones were not, but we hadn't been at this part of the island and all the plants looked the same to me.
He had said that the bad plants would make me sick, but I didn't get sick often, so I decided to take the risk, plucking some purple berries off a bush and shoving them in my mouth. They tasted delicious, and soon enough I had fistfuls of them that stained the skin around my mouth and my hands.
As I ate, I started to feel dizzy, like when you spun around too much. I stopped, sitting down on the ground, but I just felt worse and worse until I didn't feel anything at all, falling into a deep, deep sleep.
~+~
I opened my eyes one at a time, blinking and whimpering at the pain in my head.
The second he heard me, Peter was at my side, brushing some hair out of my face. "Y/N? Oh, thank god. I was so worried. How are you feeling?"
No. I'd done it again. I made Peter sad- again. I made Peter stressed- again. And I made Peter's life harder- again.
"I'm s- sorry," I said, stuttering over my words. "I tried to make it easier, I tried, but it didn't work!"
His face filled with confusion. "Y/N, darling, what do you mean?"
"Leeches," I said, beginning to cry, "I'm a person!"
"What? Honey, you're not making any sense."
"I didn't want to be a leech and so I left because all I do is make your life harder and worry you and you have to save me all the time and I tried to be helpful but it didn't work and I-"
He took hold of my shoulders and looked right at me. "Love, I need you to slow down. Take a deep breath."
I did as he said, though it was shaky. Somehow, I felt a little calmer.
"Good job. Okay, start from the beginning. What happened? You went missing and then Felix found you passed out by some a Sonunm bush."
"Well, during hide and seek, I talked to Wendy and she said that I get in your way and that I make your life hard, so-" I paused. "You're wearing the necklace."
He blinked, looking down at the chain of noodles that hung around his neck. "Of course I am. I told you I liked it, didn't I?."
A small smile crept up on my face. "Oh. Wendy said you were lying so you didn't hurt my feelings."
"Wait, Wendy has been saying this stuff to you?"
I nodded. "And she said that I was like a leech because I always took and never gave, so I tried to do better with the water buckets, hunting, and Tiki Forest. But none of it worked and she told me that you'd be better off without me, so I decided to leave so that you wouldn't have to take care of me anymore."
Peter shook his head in disbelief. "Y/N, I don't even know what to say. I love you so, so, so much. You're not a leech, you're not in my way, and you most certainly don't make my life harder."
Sniffing, I wiped away some tears. "Really?"
"Yes! You give back to me every day just by being here. You make me indescribably happy, Y/N. And in my way? Never! You help me. If I didn't have you, I don't know what I would do. Getting the opportunity to take care of you was thrilling. When I held you for the first time... It was the best moment of my life. You give me a reason to keep going, even when I feel sad. So you don't make my life harder, either. I love you. And that will never change, no matter what."
I sighed in relief and hugged him, wrapping my arms around my neck and shoving my face in his shoulder. "I love you, too."
He returned the embrace, kissing the top of my head and picking me up, holding me as close as he could. Softly, he began to sing my favorite lullaby and in that moment, I was found.
~+~
Peter and Wendy broke up. Felix said that they had a fight and then Wendy went to stay with the bad people in our jail. I'd never seen the jail before. I wasn't allowed to go there, but I'd heard rumors about cages that made me nervous. Whatever the conditions of the jail Wendy was in, I hoped they were okay.
Or, at least, the jail she used to be in. A couple of days later, she escaped, or so Mathew had told me. Peter didn't seem concerned, though. He assured me that everything was alright and quickly suggested we read a bedtime story.
But as time went on, mentions of Wendy dwindled until no one really talked about her anymore.
Peter and Felix re-taught me about Neverland's plants, saying that when in doubt, don't eat it. I thought it was probably a good policy.
I also mastered swimming. I could hold my breath for a whole minute and Peter said that he was proud of me, so that made everything okay.
Peter had granted me permission to go swimming by myself as long as I promised not to go past the red rock that was wedged in the sand on one side, standing even taller than me. Out there was too deep. Unless, of course, some of my mermaid friends were there.
Peter had said that there were mean mermaids, too, but they stayed far away from the island. All of the nice ones lived close, even going to the cove. Playing with them was tons of fun.
I was on my way to the cove on one of those trips, hoping that maybe there would be a mermaid or two in the cove when I saw finally Wendy Darling again, nearly a month after her daring escape.
She had tangled hair, her dress was filthy, and her wide, toothy smile was crazy. "Y/N Pan. Good to see you again."
Fearfully, I turned to run. Peter had told me if I ever saw her again to come straight back to camp and get him, but she grabbed my arm and dragged me toward the cove.
"Stop! Let me go! Wendy, stop it!" My spine hit a rock and she pulled me over a tree root. Each obstacle would likely leave a bruise. "Ow, Wendy, you're hurting me!"
Wendy laughed maniacally as we reached the cove. "Good. It's what you deserve for stealing Peter from me, you little shit."
My eyes widened. "That's a bad word."
" 'That's a bad word, '" She mimicked with a pouty expression before returning to her scowl. "Just shut up and die."
I would have asked her what she meant, but she shoved me into the water, hand gripping the back of my neck and holding me underwater while I thrashed. Without taking a big breath beforehand, I probably wouldn't be able to do it for a full minute.
Panicked, I kicked and struggled, lungs burning and fear clouding my mind. If I didn't get air soon, I could die.
Eventually, I couldn't do it anymore and, unwillingly, I took a big gulp, sending water into my lungs and choking me.
One time, I was on a hike with Peter and I got separated from him. I was scared then. I also was afraid when Captain Hook attacked our camp. And I'd felt afraid that night in the cave, squeezing my eyes shut tight and trying to ignore the sounds coming from the forest.
But that day, when I was drowning... That was the scariest moment of my life.
My fighting got weaker and my head throbbed while reality blurred. I barely registered when her hand was gone and when I was pulled out of the water until I was coughing up saltwater and throwing up on the bank, gasping for air.
Someone was hitting my back, helping me get the water out of my lungs and stomach. Despite just experiencing the scariest moment of my life, I was also struck with the more relieving moment when I found that I could breathe again.
Dazed, I lifted my head and sat up to see who had helped me. An older mermaid with dark hair and very green eyes was there, holding me and looking down in worry. "Are you okay?"
My back was facing the treeline so that my front was turned toward the water, but I couldn't see the cove because the mermaid was blocking my view.
"Yes, I-" I leaned to one side to look at the cove, catching just a glimpse. There were a few other mermaids in the water, all crowded around one area with their hands under the water and gazes down. Momentarily, I saw a hand break the surface, but the mermaid that was in the shallows with me moved to obscure them again.
"Don't look over there, sugar. It's all okay now."
"Where's Wendy?"
"It's all okay now," she repeated. "You're Y/N, aren't you? The other merpeople talk about you all the time. They like you a lot."
I grinned, the trauma of a few minutes ago already passing. "They do?"
"Well of course they do, you're a great kid." She looked over her shoulder briefly but turned back to me. "We've got a moment or two. Can I tell you a story?"
"Sure."
"Okay. Once upon a time, there was a very powerful king. He had an island all to himself with tons of subjects and land."
"Like Peter!"
"Yes, like Peter. And this king had a child who he loved very much. One day his child was playing in the lake when the evil witch showed up. The witch didn't like the king's child because she knew that he loved the child more than her. So she decided that she would try to get rid of the child, that way she would have more power in the kingdom."
I frowned. "That's not very nice."
"No, it's not. Well, she attacked the king's child one day, but some of the subjects that liked the child very much decided to help. They defeated the witch and the king's child was alright. But the subjects had to do something about the witch. She was evil, after all, and she was too strong to put in the dungeon. They had to do something else to keep the king's child safe. So, once the king's child was safe from the witch, the subjects attacked the witch and killed her so that she could never hurt anyone again, especially the king's child. The end."
"I liked that story."
She smiled. "Good."
For the second time, she looked over her shoulder before sighing and smiling. "Okay. You can come back in the water now if you want. The other mermaids and I will make sure you are safe."
"Okay," I agreed.
The mermaid led me into the water and we ended up racing each other. I won every time, probably because I was such a good swimmer.
When I was too tuckered out to keep playing, the mermaids took me to the shallows and sat near me, talking and teaching me about different fish until Peter showed up, calling out to me.
"Y/N, it's time for dinner."
I got to my feet, splashing onto the shore. "Coming!"
"Wait! Pan, we have something we need to discuss with you," one of the mermaids said.
His brow furrowed. "What?"
She glanced at me while I bounced from toe to toe, excited to get to dinner. I was starving. "Maybe we should talk without..."
Peter nodded. "Yeah, alright. Y/N, honey, head back to camp."
"What about you?"
"I'm going to talk to the mermaids for a minute, but I'll be there as soon as I can. Don't let Devin eat all the food," he joked.
Obediently, I headed back to camp while Peter talked to the mermaids.
~+~
Peter told me that the mermaids informed him about what happened, but once I said that I was okay, he seemed satisfied. Especially since he told me that after this, he'd always have a lost boy looking out for me if I wasn't with him.
That night, he got me extra dessert and we read four bedtime stories instead of our usual three.
"Sleep tight, Y/N," he whispered, kissing my forehead and making sure I was tucked in. "I love you."
I yawned. "I love you, too, Peter. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, darling. Sweet dreams."