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As the school year started and they began high school, Amelia didn’t tell Chiara what she had realized the night they had kissed, and Chiara didn’t tell her anything either. It was just for practice, and it wasn’t supposed to mean anything. Amelia had said so herself.
It shouldn’t have surprised Amelia when the guys in their grade started clamoring for Chiara’s attention. And it shouldn’t have broken her inside when she would occasionally agree to go out on dates with them, but it did. Amelia had to plaster on a fake smile each time Chiara brought a new boy to their lunch table, and she had to keep eating even if she felt sick to her stomach. Many nights, Amelia would stay up, biting her lip to hold in a sob as she leafed through an old scrapbook she and Chiara had made in fifth grade. She wanted to go back to those days, back when Kiki used to hold her hand all the time instead of clinging to the arm of whatever guy she was dating that week. Back before she knew it wasn’t normal to look at another girl and think her eyes were brighter than the moon and all the stars in the sky.
Amelia finally got the braces off just before Christmas, and her new, perfectly straight smile must have made her more attractive to guys, because soon she started getting asked out too, if not as often as her best friend. But half the time it happened she didn’t even know the guy’s name, so she politely declined. Why would she want to go on a date with someone she didn’t even know?
She casually told her twin sister about this issue one day (while omitting all the gay stuff about Chiara, of course), and Maddie frowned at her in concern.
“I think that’s why those guys are asking you out, Amy,” she replied softly. “Because they like you and want to get to know you better.”
Amelia sighed and adjusted a star barrette clip. “It just doesn’t make sense to me. How can you like someone without knowing them?”
Maddie chuckled. “You’ve never looked at somebody, thought they were cute, and gotten butterflies just from the sight of them?”
Amelia remembered how she felt every day when she walked with Chiara to school, at least on those days she wasn’t with some new guy. The way her stomach had swooped the night they kissed on the lips, and all the times since then when they’d kiss on the cheek, which was totally normal and not a lesbian thing in Italy. How she felt a little lightheaded every time her best friend laughed, rolled her eyes, or smiled.
Amelia swallowed heavily and lied, which she’d learned to get pretty good at. “I guess not.”
Madeleine nodded and turned back to her homework. “Maybe you just haven’t met the right guy yet.”
Maybe there wasn’t a right guy at all, but Madeleine’s words kept ringing in her head for the next several months as Chiara went through several boyfriends, all of which weren’t the right guy. Chiara, much to her annoyance, attracted a lot of guys who seemed fine at first but turned out to be duds. One had made creepy advances towards her little sister Alice, who was still in middle school. Another was so stingy he had “forgotten” his wallet on a date, and Chiara had figured out it wasn’t an accident when it happened again on the second date. There was one she had to pepper spray after he’d tried to grope her only a week after they started dating. One guy named Daniel, who Chiara had dated for a couple months, used way too much saliva when he kissed her, to the point she was distracted by how disgusting it was. Chiara had hoped his technique would improve eventually, but it never had, so she’d finally gotten fed up and dumped him.
“If I wanted someone to drool on my face, I’d get a fucking dog,” she groused.
Amelia laughed sympathetically. “My dog Sam’s always available, if you want to date him.”
Chiara sighed. “Honestly, I think your slobbery bloodhound would be a better kisser than Daniel was. And he’d be more generous than Kevin of the missing wallet.”
Amelia hugged her from the side, squeezing a little. “Cheer up, Kiki. I’m sure the right guy is out there. You’ve just got to keep looking for him.” Chiara must have been incredibly straight. Why else would she give Daniel so many chances even if he practically drooled on her? Amy knew she didn’t stand a chance, even if she had decent kissing technique, would have paid equally for dates, wouldn’t have even looked at anyone else, much less Kiki’s little sister, and wouldn’t have tried to push Chiara’s boundaries at all. All because she was a girl.
It was a sobering thought, and the smile slipped off Amelia’s face as Chiara said something to her. “Is that what you’ve been doing? Waiting for the right guy?”
“Yeah. I don’t think I’ve found him yet.” Maybe he wasn’t out there, even if she did know him. Kiku and Tolys had never seemed to see her as anything other than a friend, and Magnus and Gil had already made it clear they thought of her as too young for them. And honestly? Amelia felt relieved. Because if a friend asked her out, she wouldn’t have had the reasons to say no she had before.
Amelia belatedly realized she had been hugging Chiara for a weirdly long amount of time and let go. Chiara seemed happier now, and that was all that really mattered. Amelia grinned and pretended everything was fine.
After that, Chiara continued to date boys, but she was a bit more selective, and her relationships usually lasted a little longer. Sometimes, she and a guy stopped dating each other without explanation or simply because they’d “gotten bored” of each other, which wasn’t a concept Amelia understood. She had known Chiara for most of her life, and that only made her crave more time with her, along with the kind of closeness she couldn’t have. She’d still stare at the old photo album late at night, trying not to cry. One time, she’d fallen asleep with it next to her on the pillow. She’d woken up the next morning when Madeleine shook her shoulder and told her pancakes were ready. Maddie glanced at her a couple times over breakfast, but she didn’t say anything.
Near the end of their freshman year, Yuri finally got the courage to ask Madeleine to be his girlfriend. Maddie was over the moon with happiness, and Amelia was happy for her. But her happiness was tinged with a bit of grief. Deep down, she knew Chiara was the only person who could make her feel like that, but that was an impossible dream. Even if Chiara had never seemed that blissful over any of her boyfriends, there were moments where she seemed genuinely happy. She was straight, and someday she would fall in love with one of the boys she dated. Amelia was sure of it.
On the first day of her sophomore year, Amelia was seated next to a new boy in her English class because his last name came just before hers in the alphabet. His name was Arthur Kirkland, and he had just moved with his family from London, which explained why Amelia didn’t recognize him at all.
Over the next couple of months, Arthur slowly became her friend. English had never been her best subject, but Arthur was really good at it, so naturally she turned to her seat neighbor for help. In return, Amelia was able to help him with his chemistry and geometry homework. He started to eat lunch with Amelia and her friends, since he was new to town and didn’t know many people at school.
Amelia clicked with Arthur easily, but she didn’t think of him any differently than the other boys she was friends with. She liked him well enough, but he didn’t make her stomach swoop the way only Chiara had been able to. So, she had been surprised when one day after school, while they were in the library working on their latest English assignment, Arthur had awkwardly asked her if she would like to go on a date with him sometime.
“Oh. That’s… I wasn’t expecting you to—”
Arthur smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes. “It’s all right, Amelia. You can say no.”
Only Amelia didn’t feel she could say no. Arthur was her friend, and there was nothing objectively wrong with him. A lot of her classmates thought his accent was “dreamy” and that his emerald green eyes were “gorgeous.” Maddie didn’t really have eyes for anyone but Yuri, but she had sheepishly confessed to thinking Arthur’s freckles were cute, especially when he blushed.
So there was no reason why Amelia shouldn’t at least agree to go on one date with him. Maybe if she dated a boy, she could learn to be normal and like boys the way other girls did instead of fixating on her best friend.
“I was just surprised, Artie,” Amelia said, not sure where the words came from. They didn’t feel like they were coming from her. “But yeah, I’ll go on a date with you.”
Arthur looked relieved by her answer, and Amelia felt nauseous. She wanted to make her friend happy, but not like this. Not by lying to him. Amelia stared down at her half-finished essay on A Tale of Two Cities and wondered if Dickens had a point. This was the spring of hope and the winter of despair.
“Brilliant. I suppose we can arrange plans after we’re done with these essays.”
Amelia made a noise of agreement, and they continued working on their homework side by side. She left the library thirty minutes later with a date scheduled for that Friday at seven o’clock.
Dating Arthur honestly wasn’t that bad. He was nice and funny, and Amelia didn’t mind spending more time with him outside of school. He took her to the movies that Friday, paid for everything, and kissed her on the cheek on her front porch while her mom and dad waited inside. But the kiss on the cheek didn’t make her stomach do anything, and her lack of a reaction left Amelia vaguely restless and unable to sleep that night. The fact she wasn’t floating on cloud nine, as she should have been, was a problem. But Amelia reminded herself that she needed to give Arthur a chance. Maybe this was how everyone felt after a first date, and she’d been basing too many of her previous beliefs about romance on songs and movies. It was time for Amelia to grow up and quit chasing the impossible.
They went on a couple more dates and eventually kissed on the mouth, which was accomplished semi-successfully after Amelia remembered not to tense up when Arthur cautiously started to lean towards her. His lips were dry, but not overly chapped, and the taste of tea wasn’t unpleasant, even if it felt wrong to her (Chiara would have never tasted like tea). When Amelia closed her eyes, kissing Arthur wasn’t horrible, and it wasn’t like he slobbered all over her mouth the way Daniel had slobbered all over Chiara. Any lack of a spark was Amelia’s fault, and it didn’t feel fair to dump Arthur for things that were her fault. Arthur was clearly trying his best.
Arthur was a good, caring boyfriend. He paid for at least half of their dates, opened the door for her regularly, never checked out other girls in her presence, and never pressured her physically. Amelia’s mom called him the perfect gentleman, and Amelia couldn’t find any reason to disagree with her. Sometimes, Arthur would put an arm around her shoulder, but this was a normal demonstration of affection and a relatively minor form of PDA. So, on the rare occasions that happened, Amelia gritted her teeth into a smile and suppressed the urge to push Arthur’s arm away. That would be mean, and she didn’t want to be mean to Arthur. He was a good, caring boyfriend.
Her family liked Arthur, and her friends seemed to like him too. Chiara did get a little quieter when he ate lunch with them, but not as quiet as Amelia could get when Chiara brought one of her boyfriends over to their lunch table. He fit in well with her other friends, especially Kiku, who he had connected with easily, weeks before he ever started to date her. While Arthur chatted with Kiku, Amelia would stare at her friend, searching for the sadness she often felt when Chiara was with a boy she was dating. More often than not, Chiara was avoiding her eyes.
Amelia had been dating Arthur for about four months, and they hadn’t gone beyond kissing yet. Amelia knew they would have to go beyond kissing eventually, and it almost happened one day when they were hanging out upstairs in his bedroom. His parents weren’t home, and neither were his brothers, so they started making out (this was the normal thing to do, after all).
They were kissing, with Amelia lying underneath Arthur, when he suddenly pulled away, flushed and panting, though his face was not as red as Chiara’s had been so long ago. Amelia tried to squash that memory as much as she could.
“Is it okay if I take my shirt off?” Arthur asked.
Amelia giggled at the silliness of the question. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
Arthur nodded, thick eyebrows drawing together. “Right.” He began unbuttoning his shirt, and Amelia watched him.
His physique was fine. Arthur was scrawny and pale, but it’s not like Amelia had been expecting a buff guy with a six-pack and bulging biceps. She actually wanted someone smaller, curvier, and with an olive skin tone, but that was ridiculous. She was being ridiculous. Amelia turned her gaze up towards Arthur’s ceiling fan and waited for him to finish removing his shirt.
He leaned back down to kiss her, and Amelia responded, ignoring how weird it felt to feel Arthur’s completely flat chest on top of her own. When he hesitantly began to shift his hand under the edge of her t-shirt, Amelia noticed how broad it was, how it was a little rougher on her skin that she would have liked. She stiffened underneath him, and Arthur pulled away instantly.
“Are you alright, love?”
“I’m fine,” Amelia said weakly, trying not to look too much at his bright green eyes, which were gorgeous, even if they weren’t hazel. “You can keep going.” It had been months, and all her boyfriend wanted was to get to second base. A normal girl would have been excited at the prospect of further intimacy with her boyfriend, but Amelia was scared, and she couldn’t keep tears from forming in her eyes.
Arthur shook his head. “No. I won’t do anything to you that you clearly don’t want.” He sat up and began putting his shirt back on.
Amelia sat up in Arthur’s bed. “Arthur, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s fine. I don’t understand what I did wrong, but I’ll try to avoid doing it in the future.” Arthur sounded frustrated, but he wasn’t maliciously directing his frustration at her. Amelia felt incredibly guilty.
“You’re a good boyfriend. A great boyfriend. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me, not you.”
Arthur sighed and turned to look at her. His shirt was fully buttoned, but Amelia had a hard time looking at him. At his pale skin, his freckles, his angular features, his green eyes framed by thick eyebrows, and his shaggy blond hair. Arthur was an objectively attractive guy, and Amelia should have been swooning for him. But she wasn’t. When she looked at Arthur, all she saw was a friend she had lied to, not her boyfriend that she wanted.
“Amelia, I’m going to ask you a question, and I hope it won’t seem too insensitive. Did someone hurt you in the past?”
Amelia shook her head. “No. Why would you even think that?”
“Frankly, I’m not sure what to think. But I have noticed that you shy away from my touch, even when it’s completely innocent. When you aren’t shying away from me, you often seem to be going through the motions. Given how you reacted just now, I’m beginning to wonder if you enjoyed any of the things we’ve done together.”
Amelia’s throat was clogged with tears. She hadn’t known that Arthur had noticed all those things, that he’d gotten his feelings hurt by her inability to mask how uncomfortable she was in this relationship. “Arthur, I… I didn’t mean to…”
“Be honest, Amelia. Do you even want to be my girlfriend? Did you ever want that?”
His voice was so gentle. Even now, when he should’ve been pissed off at her, Arthur was trying to understand. His attempt to care for her, in that soft accent so many of the girls at school thought was dreamy and sexy, was what finally broke her. Amelia curled up into a ball and began sobbing, and Arthur hugged her in consolation. The hug was meant in an entirely friendly way, and Amelia felt safe sinking into his embrace.
“There, there love,” he murmured, patting her shoulder. “It’s all right.”
“It’s not all right! I wanted to like you so much! I thought I could, if I just tried hard enough, but I can’t. I can’t!”
“You don’t have to like me, Amelia. Pretending to like me has hurt you, and you need to stop doing that. And I need to stop letting you. That’s all we need to do.”
He withdrew his arms and scooted back a little on the bed. Amelia wiped her eyes and cleaned her glasses, and Arthur gave her space. He waited there patiently, without asking any of the millions of questions that must have been running through his head.
Amelia let out a hollow laugh. “Aren’t you gonna ask me why I put you through all this shit?”
Arthur glanced away from her and straightened out a wrinkle on his duvet cover. “I could venture a few guesses. But it’s really none of my business unless you decide to tell me.”
Amelia bit her lower lip and turned to look at a James Bond movie poster on his wall, unable to meet his eyes. Finally, the burden was too heavy for her to hold on her own, and she let out a huge sigh. “I’m gay. I started suspecting before I even met you, but it hurt to admit, even to myself. When you asked me out, I just went with it. It felt easier than coming up with a reason to turn you down. I’m sorry, Artie.”
Arthur sighed again. Amelia had made him sigh so much today. “That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for explaining it to me.” After a moment of silence, Arthur laughed. He sounded amused, if ironically so. “Bloody hell, we made a mess of things, didn’t we?”
Amelia turned to face him, quirking her eyebrow when she saw that Arthur was smiling warmly at her. Smiling. Warmly. She felt like she had been dropped into Opposites Land. “You’re taking this surprisingly well.”
“How were you expecting me to take it?”
“I don’t know. But most dudes would be a little more upset if their girlfriend just told them she’s a lesbian.”
Arthur shrugged. “If you prefer birds over blokes, that can hardly be helped. It does mean it’s a bad idea for us to keep dating, though.”
Amelia snorted. “Yeah. A really bad idea.”
Arthur glanced down like his feet were the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen. “Truth be told, I’ve wondered a bit about myself sometimes. Perhaps I should take some time to reflect on that. There’s a reason we both ended up in this situation, and I don’t think it was just you.”
Amelia winced, understanding his confusion all too well. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Either way, you’re a cool guy, Artie.”
He turned to look at her. “Thank you, Amelia. I do care for you, truly. That will never change.”
Amelia reached out to hug him, and Arthur returned the hug. It was warm, safe, and comfortable, and neither of them was expecting it to be anything else. And that was a relief, to hug her friend without trying to make herself feel something other than gratitude at his simple human kindness.
“Would you like me to walk you home?” he asked, once she withdrew from the hug.
“I’m good. You don’t have to worry about that.” It wasn’t his job to worry about that anymore, but he’d learn that soon enough. “But uh… can you not exactly tell people what happened today? You can tell them we broke up, but the other thing…”
Arthur nodded, cutting her anxious rambling short. “Of course. That’s your secret to share. Take care, Amelia.”
“Yeah, you too.” She shot him a smile before she closed his bedroom door behind her.
As she walked down an empty hallway and descended a silent staircase, Amelia knew the next steps wouldn’t be easy. She had finally found the courage to be honest with herself and with her now ex-boyfriend. Now, she had to find the courage to be honest with everyone else, especially Chiara.