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The first time Harry wanted to kiss Caelum, she marked it among the excitement. He’d just passed his Potions Mastery. Emotions were high, and the desire wasn’t something to dwell on.
...
The second time, she was confused and concerned. Had she been hit by a curse? Caelum wasn’t even there. She was just thinking about how much he’d changed and all of a sudden it hit her. Maybe she’d accidentally imbibed some draught of foolishness.
...
The third time, Harry decided she was going to sit herself down and think about this until she figured it out because apparently it wasn’t going away any time soon, and wasn’t that inconvenient.
It was a weird sort of desire, not one she could say she was familiar, but not one that she was unfamiliar with either. It felt in line with the love she felt with Caelum, the hum she got in her chest when she saw his face, when she hugged him.
But… kissing was for romance, right?
She’d heard people describe their significant other as “a best friend plus kissing” or “your number one person.”
It was confusing.
She didn’t want to rank the people close to her like that—they all meant the most to her in different ways—but Caelum was definitely one of her number one people, one of her best friends.
And now she wanted to kiss him.
It was different from the Draco thing. She hadn’t really thought about kissing him much before it happened, and in the moment when she could feel the anticipation and tension rising in the room, when she could have run off but didn’t, she still hadn’t wanted the kiss to happen like she did this.
...
It struck her randomly. Sometimes when he was out, sometimes when he was being all grumbly and tones of the man he’d been before he started teaching kids in the lower alleys with her popped up. Sometimes she was in front of her cauldron, and he was in front of his, and the heady yearning came over her.
That was the first time she wondered what her amortentia would smell like.
How did love potions work on people who were aro? Did Kasten know?
She should probably ask Kasten all these questions, but something held her back.
A fear that this wasn’t normal? That she wasn’t actually like him? That this had all been fake.
...
Harry didn’t, couldn’t start venturing down the road of Caelum himself. What he would think about it, what he would do, was he secretly harboring these desires too? Merlin’s beard, was he secretly in love with her and she just hadn’t noticed and he was pining away and their entire thing they’d built was ruined but she couldn’t kick him out and she would just have to silently suffer and and and and and
You need to calm down.
Dom. Was it Dom? Had he put these thoughts into her head? Did he secretly want to kiss Caelum? Could he take control over her and do it? Could he ruin everything?
...
After thought spirals took control of her for several hours, Harry decided she needed to get out of the house.
Her feet carried her to Leo. His familiar grin, his open arms, his warmth. She’d never wanted to kiss him, and their relationship had only gotten better after Leo stopped wanting to kiss her.
She sat beside him in his room and looked down at her fingers. Was it weird to come to him about this? She’d eventually explained the whole thing to him. About her identity. And he’d been so comforting. But...
Don’t start down another spiral. Just tell him.
With another sigh, she looked up at her tall friend. “You aren’t still harboring feelings for me, are you?”
“What? No,” he frowned and slowly began extracting his arm from where it was slung around her shoulder. “Have I done something to make you feel that I have?”
She grabbed his hand before he could fully take it away. “No,” she murmured. “Just wanted to make sure.” She squeezed his hand and then looked up into his eyes and smiled. “I have a problem.”
He was slow to relax beside her, but his voice was soft as it always was with her. “What is it, lass?”
“I keep… wanting to kiss Caelum,” she said. She could barely manage a whisper. Saying it… it felt more real now. Like something she had to make a decision on (well, isn’t that what being here in front of Leo is about? Making a decision? Go away, Dom!)
Leo’s face stayed open and gentle, without judgment. “Okay. For the sake of clarity, why don’t you tell me what exactly the problem is.”
Harry sighed and nodded and squeezed his hand again.
“My feelings haven’t changed. My ones about… romance. My ones for him. There’s just now… kissing.” She wrinkled her nose. “And everyone always says that romance is best friendship plus kissing, right? And if I did happen to act upon these desires, what would that say about me? And what would that say about our relationship. And Merlin, what would Caelum think about it?”
Leo nodded. “That sounds really confusing.” He slouched more than slightly to reach eye level with her, and she snorted.
The corners of his eyes crinkled before softening as his face grew more serious. “I’m glad you told me all this,” he said and reached his other free hand to cup her face. “I know you, and I know you like to hold all these things in. It must have been hard for you to say it.”
Harry nodded and leaned into his hand. It was grounding and cozy, just like him.
“So, what should I do?”
“I know you won’t like this one,” he said, “but I think you should tell him.”
Harry couldn’t help her body stiffening. She knew he was right.
But she was so scared.
She’d only barely managed to get him to be her friend. What if this mucked it all up?
She latched onto the fact that it already was probably mucking it all up as her lifeline to pull her towards the point where she could tell him.
“Just like this?” She said. “You think it would go well?” Harry had absolutely no idea how it would go. Months of living with and working with Caelum, and the things she didn’t know about him shocked her almost as much as the ones she did.
She now knew what he looked like in the morning, grumpy and with his darling hair a mess almost to rival her own. She knew what he looked like when he fell asleep in front of his research and got ink all over. She knew what he looked like when faced with his tiny students in the alleys and when he tried to keep up his facade of disgruntlement.
When he tried to hide how much he cared.
Perhaps it was no wonder she wanted to kiss him.
Did it mean anything different? A kiss. Other people would probably say so, depending on the location. Other people also likely had something to say about their closeness, their residing together, the afternoons spent reading potions journals on the couch that slipped into evenings cuddled together and whispering about their lesson plans or a new potions article or anything.
It was weird reconciling what she knew to be true about herself and what the world was like, what the world expected from her and Caelum because she was a witch and he, a wizard. Despite the whole “it’s impolite to have a preference” thing, there were still obvious societal expectations. If Caelum were a witch, their closeness wouldn’t have been thought twice about.
James was the worst about it, of course. She couldn’t imagine what would happen if he found out she wanted to kiss her flatmate. Nevermind the fact that she was twenty, living out of the house, and with her own job. She only hoped he would calm down by the time Addy started making friends with boys.
“I think it could,” Leo said. “I think you mean more to him than anyone else in the world. He doesn’t want things to get weird either.”
The thought swept over her from head to toe. It was one thing to think it, but quite another for someone else to say it. “And you don’t think this will make it weird?”
“It’ll only get weird if you let it. So don’t let it.” He stood up then and opened his arms. “A hug before you go, lass?”
“Always.” She wrapped her arms tight around him and closed her eyes. “Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you too.” She smiled into his chest as she felt him kiss the top of her head.
...
To a bundle of mixed emotions, Caelum was there when she arrived back. Relief because she feared if he wasn’t, she’d bottle it up and not tell him, and anxiety because the moment was now.
Would he hate her? Would he love her? Language could be so limiting, especially English. Love accompassed so many, too many meanings.
His smile still took her by surprise. She didn’t know if she’d ever get used to it, and she didn’t mind that, perhaps even preferred that.
“How are you?”
Harry smiled back at him. “I’m good. You?”
“Excellent. I was just about to make some tea. Want any?”
“Sure,” she took her boots off and then followed him into the kitchen.
It was so casual, so domestic. If someone had told her six years ago that she would be happily watching Caelum Lestrange, clad in a jumper and making tea in the apartment they shared, she would have referred them to a Mind Healer.
“We’re getting low,” he said, picking up the jar of loose leaves and shaking it gently. “Put it on the list.”
She drew a line between the list of potions ingredients and the ones for cooking food they’d consume because of course their potioneer household made sure to buy higher quality ingredients of the former.
After that was done, she faced him again. She had no idea how to bring this up, so she decided to just jump in feet first.
“I have a thought,” she admitted.
“Oh?” The corner of his mouth lifted wryly, and she knew they both were thinking about how he would have responded to that before.
Smiling to herself, she walked over and wrapped her arms around him. He wasn’t that much taller than her, a fact she knew to be greatly irksome to him, especially when Leo was around.
He finished up with setting the tea to brew before he wrapped his own arms around her. “So what’s your thought?”
Harry exhaled and squeezed him gently. “I don’t want it to change anything. And it doesn’t. That’s really important that you know that. I don’t feel any differently. It’s just…” She let out a quiet laugh. She felt ridiculous. This was ridiculous.
“I kind of have been wanting to kiss you recently? Like, platonically, of course.”
She could feel his shoulders tense. “I don’t understand.”
Harry pulled back so she could see his face. “I’ll be honest, I don’t either. It’s confusing. And we don’t have to do anything about it. I just thought I should let you know?”
Caelum nodded. She watched his eyes flicker down her face, to her lips, and then back up. With warring emotions on his face, he said, “it changes nothing?”
Harry nodded. “Still just two slightly and not so slightly prickly potioneers.”
He let out a small laugh at the obvious dig at him but it didn’t last long. His icy blue eyes landing on hers as he appeared to make a decision. “Do you want to just give it a try?”
Full of nervous energy, she slowly nodded. “Except… not right now?” She shrugged and looked off to the side. “I don’t want to make it a… thing? Do you understand?”
His brows furrowed but he eventually nodded. “I think so.”
And then he gently let go of her and poured her a cup of tea and that was that.
...
The first time Harry kissed Caelum, he had just asked her to braid his hair for brewing lessons with the alley kids. And it was wonderful and it changed nothing.