Archive of Our Own ^beta

Whimsical, as always. That is, in essence, who Hibiki Wataru is; throwing around the word love lightheartedly, making it seem weightless and casual.

"I don't love Akehoshi or anything," Hokuto replies, defensive, and it's wrong. It feels strange on his tongue, like the taste of a lie beginning to form; like guilt settling deep in his stomach.

Subaru is his friend. His first, closest, best friend. He's eternally grateful for Subaru, for shining on his lost past self and guiding him onto the right path, for teaching him the joy of being an idol, for staying by his side, for— for too many things, really, that he can barely even begin to count them, like stars hanging in the sky.

He stops for the briefest moment, step faltering. It's stupid. He can't be in love with Subaru.

He... just can't.

Not Subaru.

Wataru keeps talking, but Hokuto knows that he's noticed; he's too observant for his own good. They talk like it'd never happened, and all Hokuto is left with is a burning, painful feeling that twists and churns deep in his heart.

Hokuto denies it at first — it's impossible not to, when all he'd thought for sixteen pitiful years of his life is that idolhood is a lonely path. It's only been a year since he met Trickstar, formed a unit, successfully performed the revolution. Only a year since he realised the path he'd wanted to take.

Not so fast, Hokuto wants to say, falling in love so fast after all of this; he needs more time before he delves into feelings that are certainly too complex for him. Because even if he loves Subaru, what will happen to Trickstar? Trickstar is — and has always been — a unit which centralises on them all as friends and equals. If he ruins their balance, then— then Trickstar will fall apart.

(And Hokuto doesn't want that. Hokuto would never choose that over flimsy feelings.)

It's unreasonable to be in love with him anyway. That's what he tells himself: they're opposites in everything they do. If Hokuto is winter, then Subaru must be summer, never coexisting; the same way that Venus never approaches Polaris. Hokuto is not meant to love someone like him, because Subaru deserves someone that uplifts his brightness.

Because—

"Hokke," Subaru calls, lightly teasing, "what're you doing, spacing out on stage?"

(Because Subaru stands there beside him like it's natural, in the spotlight of the stage. Because there's nobody else he wants to stand beside. Because the way he smiles is something Hokuto wants to see forever. Because Hokuto wants to be the one who puts that smile on his face. Because there's something about this boy who shines even in the darkest night sky that has Hokuto reaching out for him. Because he is radiant starlight, inextinguishable, a star that has never wavered. Because—)

"I love you too."

His eyes widen, and Hokuto's heart stutters in his chest; he hadn't meant to say that. But the way it feels so true, like it's something that has always been true, rings deeply inside him, and Hokuto feels something in his chest ease and pour out gently to fill him to the brim; a fizzing, sparkling emotion that tingles in the tips of his fingers.

(—Because even if he doesn't understand now, the gears are already turning.)

"G'mornin', Hokke!"

Hokuto startles, and Subaru's already falling into step by the time it registers in his tired mind. He'd been up too late reflecting on their live from yesterday, he realises. "You're too loud, Akehoshi."

"I was pretty buzzed last night too!" Subaru laughs. "Wanna hold hands so you don't fall asleep?"

"Right," Hokuto says, mind on autopilot; too late to realise what he's agreed to.

"—Eh?"

"Huh?"

Cheeks gently flushed, lips just parted, frozen mid-step as Hokuto turns to face him; a shyness that he's never seen before. When warm fingers brush against Hokuto's palm, he swears he feels his entire body grind to a halt, own cheeks flushing with heat.

It's been like this since he'd said that on stage: hyperaware of everything when it's about Subaru. His presence, his closeness; hell, even Hokuto's own awareness of himself seems to burn a hole into his consciousness. It's almost too much for him, leaving his chest tight and his breath short and his heart fluttering; all at once, but still not quite enough.

Subaru's hand slips into his, slotting in place softly, and with the softest, shyest smile playing on his lips, he meets Hokuto's eyes. Too fast, Subaru's smile is back to normal, all wide and a little teasing, no trace of the gentle shyness of a moment ago, and Hokuto wonders if it'd simply been an illusion of embarrassment that he'd seen. Later, he'll reason it out: a reward for a live well done— but for now, Hokuto sighs and lets him have his way. If it's for that beautiful smile, for the way he squeezes Hokuto's hand, for the way they walk together, hands clasped in each other's but without speaking a word, cheeks flushed and smiles bitten back—

"—How do you know when you like someone?"

"Hokuto, are you all right?" Mao frowns, crouching down beside Hokuto. He's not close enough to touch, but close enough for Hokuto to feel his radiating warmth from practice; a comfortable distance away. It's strange, somehow, because for all Hokuto is worth, he's somewhat used to Subaru's complete drape over his back or side. "Did something happen recently? You know you can tell us, right?"

Hokuto tucks his knees closer to his body and decides not to answer the question. "You read a lot of manga, so you must know something about it, right?"

"That's not—" Mao sighs, but hums in thought. "If you like someone, see, you feel really, ah, happy? When you're with them, your heart beats kinda fast, and you want to spend more time with them, and make them smile? You wanna hold their hand, or kiss them, that sorta thing? What brought this on, anyway, it's unlike you to—"

"Is it weird," Hokuto cuts in, "to think about doing all of those with your best friend sometimes?"

Because, hand-holding incident aside, Hokuto thinks he'd like to kiss Subaru. The thought had come to him once, with a fluttering in his chest that he'd dismissed as nerves before a live, and stayed with him since.

And since then, he's thought too much about what it'd be like to memorise the shape of Subaru's lips with his own, they way they're bowed and upturned in his signature smile. He knows they're a little chapped, because when he leans in to do Subaru's makeup in the summer, he'll see that they're a little dry, and he'll have to look through the makeup kit to find the lip balm that he'd bought for him because Subaru had never bothered to buy his own. And, he thinks, Subaru would have a gentle kiss; a sweet kiss that'd taste like sunshine, or summer.

Mao is silent, before he places a hand on Hokuto's shoulder. "Is it Subaru?"

It scares Hokuto, how much he reacts to that; tears pricking at the corners of his eyes and all the breath in his lungs leaving his body. He wants to cry, with the way his heart leaps into his throat and twists and burns deep inside him, and he lets out a pitiful, choked sob.

Is he?

Is he in love with Subaru?

Is he in love with—

"It's all right, Hokuto," Mao says quietly, interrupting Hokuto's thoughts to stroke broad, soothing circles on his back. "It's okay to like your best friend. A lot of people end up liking their best friends, so you're not alone!"

"I've never had a best friend before," Hokuto says, as if it explains everything. "How was I supposed to know?"

"...Do you feel happy? When you're with him?"

That stops him, that innocent question.

(Because Hokuto can't deny it, either, that Subaru makes him feel different. Perhaps it's the way Subaru makes him feel like he's got all his nerves on end, the way he wants him to stay long after he's gone, the way Hokuto dreams of the way he smiles for nights afterwards.)

Mao seems to understand when Hokuto curls into himself, hiding his flushed cheeks and the defeated expression he's sure he's wearing.

...Maybe Hokuto's been in love all this time.

They're put to work almost the moment Ensemble Square is established, and Hokuto sees it in the way Mao struggles to stay focused in class and the darkening shadows beneath Makoto's eyes. He doesn't see much of Subaru at all, only for the occasional practice session, and more often than not, Hokuto finds him busy running around from job to job, and he really doesn't have the heart to call out to him. They're all improving, slowly, at the painful expense of losing their precious time together.

Still, Hokuto misses Subaru's presence. They're still students, but it's not like before, when they were carefree and still young; fledgling idols singing on a homemade stage within Yumenosaki's grounds.

They're real idols now, professional idols.

(Hokuto tries not to think about idol etiquette, the unspoken rule that part of an idol's charm and marketing is their purity, their attainability. He's seen firsthand how an entire idol's career can fall apart just because of one scandal, and it's then that he regrets not telling Subaru earlier, because somehow, it's so much harder to consider the possibilities when they're bound like this.

And, really, there are days when Hokuto simply wants to be just another high school boy, aching to taste youth.)

"Heya." Hokuto doesn't notice Subaru coming up to him until he's dropping onto the floor beside him, tired smile touching gently at his lips. Immediately, his head drops onto Hokuto's shoulder, melting into a puddle of warmth by his side.

"Akehoshi," Hokuto greets quietly, and Subaru mumbles a reply into Hokuto's neck. "Oi, don't fall asleep on me. Practice starts in ten minutes."

A warm hand slips into his, gently entangling fingers. It's become some sort of normalcy for them now for Subaru to take it without warning, while walking or even when they're simply sitting together. Hokuto had given up resisting after the first few times, because somehow, even if he argues, Subaru simply pouts and complains until he gets his way.

Subaru sighs contentedly, breath warm and fluttery, "'m tired, Hokke, be my pillow..."

A similarly warm and fluttery feeling bursts in Hokuto's stomach. He feels his cheeks flush as he leans back against Subaru, reaching up to comb his free hand through Subaru's messy curls, letting himself remember how soft it feels under his fingers, and Subaru hums. Hokuto imagines the smile on his face, warm like the glow just after sunset. A small indulgence for private moments.

"Akehoshi," Hokuto starts, and then stops himself, because his voice is all clammy and choked up and he doesn't know why he feels so tight in his chest. He doesn't even have the heart to reprimand him further, simply letting him quietly be. "Never m—"

"There you are!" A voice booms from the doorway, startling them both, and Hokuto glances up to see none other than Morisawa Chiaki. "Akehoshi! I've been told to give you the documents for the next live!"

Subaru glances at Hokuto, mouths a quiet apology as their loosely tangled fingers slip apart.

He misses Subaru's warmth as soon as it's gone, staring down at the computer in his lap that he'd been working with before Subaru had appeared. It'd been a perfect moment, a little world alone, and Hokuto grips his hands tightly into fists. It's not as if he can control it anyway, but he wants more than these little pockets of time together.

After practice, as they're dispersing into their dorm rooms, Subaru stops him with a gentle tug at his wrist. "Hey, what were you saying before?"

There's a catch in his throat as he replies, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"So," Anzu starts, "was anyone going to tell me Subaru-kun and Hokuto-kun started dating?"

"Huh?" Makoto asks, and suddenly, as Anzu gestures over at them, Hokuto feels Subaru tense from where he's leaning on Hokuto's shoulder. "Now that you mention it... didn't you two sleep in the same futon when we slept over last time?"

Mao chuckles lightly. "You two do seem like you're having fun together, huh?"

"But I'm not dating Hokke?" Subaru pouts, but Hokuto can still feel the tenseness in his body. "What's wrong with a little skinship between friends?"

"I swear I saw you two holding hands last week," Anzu argues back.

"We're not dating," Subaru repeats, suddenly serious, and the way his voice cracks silences the rest of the room. "We're just friends," he says, almost pleading as he glances over at Hokuto, "right?"

Subaru is friendly with everyone. Hokuto should know this, but somehow in Trickstar's high demand for work and his own personal jobs, he wonders when he'd forgotten.

They'd promised to head home together, because Subaru had wanted to head to a store near the Hidaka residence and neither had been planning to return to the dorms. Hokuto finds him in the gym for club practice, slipping upstairs into the spectator stands to watch the ongoing practice game.

He wonders, too, when he'd started getting conscious of the way Subaru is affectionate with others — a hug here, a casual pat on the back there, double high-fives after a point; a subtle reminder that Hokuto isn't as special as he thinks. They're just friends, after all, even if he swears Subaru brightens just a little as he spots Hokuto in the stands, jumping up and down in some sort of greeting.

Perhaps it's just his own yearning that has his guts twisting in his stomach, because then he's wondering who else Subaru holds hands with and who else's shoulder he rests on. Does he do it with anyone else? Surely — with his affinity for touch, surely there are other people. And even if he lets himself dream a little, he might be fine with the fact that they're boys, but what if Subaru isn't?

Something in Hokuto's chest hurts, even as Subaru chatters throughout the way home, because maybe he isn't special at all. Because maybe there are people who are dearer than him to Subaru. Because maybe—

"—Hokke, you've been weirdly silent all this time...?" Subaru seems concerned, so Hokuto shakes his head, hoping the thoughts will shake themselves away too. "You all right?"

"Just thinking," Hokuto replies, opting for the ambiguous truth. "What about it?"

Subaru laughs, teasing, as he steps in front of Hokuto and turns around to face him, lifting a hand to poke a finger at Hokuto's forehead. The sunset behind him dyes him in fading, glowing colours, leaving his laughing silhouette engraved in Hokuto's vision. "Don't think so much, you're gonna wear out that brain of yours!"

"On the contrary, I think you should think a bit more," Hokuto retorts naturally, and Subaru pouts. "Look at your test marks—"

"You're so mean, Hokke, I thought we said we weren't gonna talk about that!"

"Your room always smells so nice," Subaru laughs as they step into the room, scuffing off shoes in the entranceway. "My room's always so messy!"

"That's not a good thing." Hokuto sighs, setting down the ingredients on the counter. "Do you want juice with your pancakes?"

Subaru brightens even more. "Sure!"

Hokuto watches Subaru stretch himself out over Keito's favourite armchair without a further thought, seemingly content. It's a comfortably familiar companionship that he hasn't felt for a while, and he lets a smile sit on his lips as he grabs a glass to pour the juice into. "It's been a while since we've had the same off day."

"Everyone's been suuuuper busy recently," Subaru adds, sighing, "and it's super tiring to keep up with school too..."

As Hokuto sifts flour and beats in the eggs, Subaru trails into the kitchenette and watches, eyes sparkling. He's recounting something that had happened last week, but Hokuto can barely hear him, distracted by the sun catching golden on his hair in the morning sunlight.

It'd be nice, he thinks, if he could do this every day.

"...And then, all of a sudden, like, bam, Hasumin-senpai barged into our room," he's saying, as Hokuto pours batter into the pan, "and this was like, some super early time in the morning, and he just stared at the pigeon choir for like, a minute! And— hey, Hokke, you're not listening, are you!"

"I'm concentrating on not burning the pancakes," Hokuto replies. He tries not to smile as Subaru pouts cutely and complains and presses his cheek to the kitchen counter, then foregoes restraining himself at all as he reaches over to ruffle fluffy hair, to Subaru's confusion. There's the prettiest pink flushed on Subaru's cheeks when he stops to flip the pancakes, the softest look in his eyes.

He wants to say something, anything at all — but no words make their way to his lips. Subaru doesn't love him that way, but somehow the way he smiles at Hokuto still makes his heart flutter, like it's telling him that it's okay to keep hoping. So he smiles in return, hoping somehow the gently brimming feeling of longing in his chest can be conveyed from just that: the happiness of warm, quiet domesticity; juice and pancakes on an autumn morning.

"Akehoshi—!"

Subaru turns at the sound of his name, grinning widely as Hokuto hurries over to him. "Hokke! Over here!"

"Sorry that I couldn't join you for dinner," he starts, but Subaru simply shakes his head and brushes it off with a laugh.

"Both of us are super busy, right?" He gestures over at the set behind him, still being disassembled for the night. "You owe me one though!"

Hokuto sighs. "I'll treat you to something at the cafeteria tonight."

Subaru lights up, and Hokuto's sure he's already choosing which of his favourite desserts to order when they return. He's predictable like that: filled with joy over the smallest of happinesses.

"Anyway," Hokuto continues, "I— I bought your Christmas present while I was over in Kyoto."

"A present... for me?" In the dim glow of the streetlight, Subaru's lips tug into a strangely soft, subdued smile as Hokuto hands him the wrapped box. His usual enthusiasm returns a blink of an eye later, smile wide, lighting up his face with so much ease that it sends Hokuto's heart twisting and flipping in his chest. "Can I open it?"

Hokuto opens his mouth to reply, to tell him not to make a mess of the paper, that it's not even Christmas yet, but Subaru's already tugging at the shiny wrapping paper, a light in his eyes.

"Oh," Subaru breathes as he opens the box in his hands, "Hokke... this necklace..."

Hokuto bites his lip. "Do you... like it?"

"It's a set with the earrings you gave me for my birthday, right?" He beams, knowing; laughing as his arms wrap tightly around Hokuto's waist. "It's a present from you, so of course I love it!"

Even through their thick winter coats and scarves, warmth gently seeps through him as he tucks his hands around Subaru's sides, unable to keep a smile from rising to his lips. Subaru's laugh resonates through his frame as Hokuto tugs him closer, comfortably fitting him snug against his body.

"Let's head back?" he asks tentatively as a faraway clock chimes the hour, and Subaru nods.

Somewhat like a force of habit, Subaru's hand catches on his, and Hokuto takes it without a second thought, intertwining their fingers just how Subaru always does as they walk. Subaru lets out a soft chuckle in response, squeezing gently.

It's warm, and Hokuto wants to hold it forever — to pretend they're something more than the friends they are.

"Hidaka-senpai!" Hajime runs into the room, his usual composure forgotten, shoes spilled haphazardly in the entranceway. "And Akehoshi-senpai too, thank god!"

"What's wrong, Shino-kun?" Hokuto peers up, Subaru glancing over from where he's situated happily on Hokuto's lap. "It's unlike you to be in such a hurry."

"You— you two are trending—" he pauses, flustered, to properly line his shoes up, "—on Twitter right now!"

"What do you mean," Hokuto asks, as Subaru reaches over for his phone, brow creased.

"W—well," Hajime says softly, "you two are really close, right? You're not... dating, or anything?"

"No," Subaru says, and somehow Hokuto has a sinking feeling of deja vu. "We're not."

Subaru's face goes white, then, and Hokuto leans over his shoulder to see.

It's terrifying how things can go wrong so fast. Hokuto can't deny that it's his fault that everything falls apart right there in his hands — he's the one who took Subaru's hand, after all, and it's his fault for doing it where the entire world could see.

Overnight, the picture circulates around the internet enough for Eichi to call them in the next morning even before either of their jobs. There's the worst dreading feeling that sits deep in the pit of Hokuto's stomach as Subaru smiles weakly at him, then takes a seat on the couch as far away from Hokuto as he can; quietly nodding as Eichi outlines his plan to them.

By the end of the week, it feels like time has regressed: Subaru seems to be back to his usual self once the matter dies down, but from then on, he doesn't take Hokuto's hand. The hugs that Hokuto had somehow begun to enjoy suddenly die down in frequency. Something seems to feel strained between them — like Subaru is holding back, and Hokuto isn't surprised, because he remembers every time he's reprimanded Subaru for acting too childish, but it still feels wrong somehow: when Hokuto asks, all he does is laugh weakly, replying, "You always told me to grow up, didn't you?"

It's just the hardships of being an idol, he tells himself quietly. They have an image to uphold, and they've managed to get away without much harm done, but—

But something still feels unsettled within Hokuto even when he reflects and thinks and ponders some more, like it's something that he shouldn't have to conform to — that idols shouldn't have to conform to.

They're only human — right?

"This is the end, hm?" The softness of a sigh cuts through the night air as Hokuto stops outside the classroom door. "It's been three years..."

"Akehoshi? What are you still doing here so late?"

Subaru startles, offering a serene smile to Hokuto as he steps in. In the moonlight, he looks sad, somewhat longing as he sits on the desk that had been his until today. He's changed out of his outfit from their live today and back into his uniform, and Hokuto absently wonders if it's the last time he'll see the salmon-pink jacket as he stops beside the other boy.

Have his eyes always been so blue?

The thought intrudes unwillingly, so suddenly that Hokuto's thoughts slow to a stop, world whirling around him as the realisation settles into him slowly: Subaru looks pretty.

Has Subaru always been pretty?

Beautiful?

Hokuto sees the dimples in his cheeks and the sweet curve of his lips as he smiles softly, the pale light catching on a flyaway strand of hair. He's always been attractive, but Hokuto has never really thought of others in terms of words like pretty, or even beautiful, until now.

"Just saying my goodbyes... that's all. You?"

"As class president, I was planning to lock up," Hokuto answers, shaking away his thoughts. "We should go home soon, before the school gets closed."

"Not going to hurry me up?" Subaru teases, laughing. "You used to chase me out of the classroom when I stayed too late."

Hokuto sighs. "Do you want me to?"

"No!" Subaru beams at him, slipping off the table and dancing into the corridor. "C'mon, let's go home, Hokke."

He ends up walking Subaru home, because for some reason, he doesn't want this day to end. Their last day as carefree students; from tomorrow, they'll be idols taking another step into the wide world ahead. Subaru is strangely silent, so they walk in some form of quiet through the familiar streets one last time.

"...Hokke?" They've stopped, and Hokuto belatedly realises they're already standing outside Subaru's home. "It's unlike you to be all spaced out like that." Subaru laughs lightly, already turning to head inside, but before he realises, Hokuto's reaching out to grab his wrist. "I'll see y—"

"I like you."

It comes out of his mouth all at once. Heart in his throat, Hokuto doesn't realise he's said it until he sees Subaru's eyes widen. Still, he pushes on, fighting the nervousness that suddenly drops to the pit of his stomach.

Because something about tonight — something about the way he'd looked under the moonlight in the classroom, about the way he'd looked breathtakingly beautiful, but so terrifyingly alone — compels him to keep going.

"I'm in love with you, Akehoshi," he says, and in the silence that follows, he sees the way Subaru gulps harshly. "I know you only think of me as your friend. But I like you, and I want you to— to know that."

Hokuto wants to tell him, because he knows his heart will be broken anyway.

When Hokuto looks up, Subaru is silent, lower lip worried between his teeth, free hand curled tightly into a fist. There's the smallest glimmer of hope still left in him — hope that Subaru will smile, beam bright and wide, and say that he's always loved Hokuto as well, that everything had been a cover and a lie. That he'll slip his warm fingers gently into Hokuto's once more. That the aching feeling in his heart will melt into something warm instead of twisting harshly at his chest.

"I'm sorry," Subaru says, so quiet it's almost blown away by the breeze. There's something so distant in his eyes that Hokuto can't comprehend, something that seems sad and pained and broken, something that makes Hokuto think that he's about to cry, but then his wrist is slipping from Hokuto's grasp and he turns away, hiding his face. "Good night, Hokke."

Even the familiar nickname seems forced out of him as he quietly walks up the steps to his home, closing the door behind him without even looking back.

"Wow, Akehoshi-kun, you're really good at this part!"

"Really? The rhythm here is super catchy, so you just go like, ba-ba-ba-boom here!"

"—Wait, Akehoshi-kun, there are zombies over there!"

He hears the laughter before he reaches the room, the excited squeals of a game over just waiting to happen. For a moment, Hokuto pauses at the doorway, taking in the laughing form before him. He knows how that laughter feels against his chest and ringing in his ears, because Subaru had been like that: not caring for boundaries and the like, simply doing as he'd pleased.

(Hokuto had fallen for him because of that — his infectious brightness, his ever-present positivity. With Subaru, there isn't ever a dull moment; without even realising it, he'd decided he'd wanted to stay by Subaru's side, because he'd been the one who'd taught him that together, they could do anything.

Without realising, he'd wormed his way too deep into Hokuto's heart—)

The smile seems to melt off his face as their eyes meet, but it slides back a moment later, the illusion of a smile. Hokuto grips the papers in his hand a little tighter as Subaru quickly averts his eyes, brightly saying something to Makoto and then bouncing out of the room without even another glance at Hokuto, a little too much hurry in his step.

"Hidaka-kun?" Makoto's stood up as well, something like pity in his eyes as he makes his way over, quietly patting Hokuto's arm in some form of comfort. "Um..."

"It's nothing," Hokuto says after a tense moment of silence, forcing his voice to stay even and composed. "We fought a little, that's—"

"Isara-kun told me what happened," Makoto says, quietly, and Hokuto feels his calm facade begin to break. "I'm so sorry, Hidaka-kun... but I'm sure Akehoshi-kun doesn't hate you, okay? He cares about you a lot, so—"

"You don't have to pity me," Hokuto grits out. Something in his heart threatens to break. "It's my fault for— for..."

For what? For breaking Trickstar's dynamic? For falling in love with Subaru? Hokuto doesn't know what would've come next if a choking sob hadn't shuddered through his body, tears welling in his eyes.

It's only been a week — a week since they'd graduated, and a week since his worst fears had come true.

It's only been a week since Subaru had started avoiding him, and it's all his fault.

"Trickstar can't go on like this," Hokuto says eventually. Their practices have been off ever since then, and he knows Makoto and Mao have realised; worriedly, Makoto looks on, but doesn't say anything. "I'll talk to him. It's my duty as our leader... right?"

"Akehoshi? I'd like to talk."

Subaru turns to him slowly. He looks small, presence dim like a fading star; as Hokuto walks closer, he can see red rimming his eyes and the dark shadows underneath, but Subaru doesn't meet his gaze, eyes flickering aside.

"Hey, Hokke."

He stops a few steps away from Subaru, enough distance for him to breathe. He's trying to smile, and there's some semblance of laughter in his voice, but somehow when he's alone, it seems so forced that something within Hokuto aches for it to change.

"I'm sorry," Hokuto starts, and when Subaru is silent, he presses on. "I said something I shouldn't have and I hurt you. My feelings aren't important, but it hurts all of us — all of Trickstar — to see you hurt. So— so, as friends, and as Trickstar's leader, if there's anything we can do, like giving you space, or—"

"Hokuto," Subaru interrupts, "there's nothing—"

"We just want the best for you, Akehoshi. So if there's anything— anything we can do to make up for—"

"It's not your fault," Subaru says firmly, but there's a quaver in his voice that sounds like it could break at any moment. "There's nothing you can do apart from give up."

"I don't understand—"

"Of course you don't understand!" Subaru steps forward, roughly grabs a fistful of Hokuto's shirt. He's never seen Subaru like this before — not once has Subaru broken in the three years he's known him. It's terrifying, the way the image of the Subaru that Hokuto knows seems to simply fall apart; knuckles white from exertion, teeth gritted, anger burning deep in his eyes. With each syllable, he grips a little tighter, spitting out the words like they're poison: "You of all wouldn't understand how I feel. It hurts so much—"

Then, suddenly, Subaru's eyes widen and he's stepping away, eyes downcast once again, hands tightly balled into fists. When Hokuto comes back to this moment later, he'll realise that it's because he'd spoken too much — but now Hokuto only feels a sense of hollow emptiness, the words echoing all around him.

"I'm sorry, Hokuto. You shouldn't have fallen in love with me."

Frozen, Hokuto can only watch as the door clicks shut behind him.

"Hokuto, dear?"

Hokuto swallows down the tears brimming in his eyes as he pads to the door. "What is it, Grandma?"

She smiles at him, gesturing for him to follow, and Hokuto does so wordlessly. Grandma takes him to the tea room, where two cups of steaming tea sit beside a jar of his favourite konpeito and a box from his favourite bakery.

"Now," she says, as another round of tears begin to spill from his eyes, "won't you tell Grandma what's wrong?"

And Hokuto does; he tells her everything as she listens quietly, like she always has. No matter what, Hokuto knows that Grandma will understand, knows that she will always understand.

"I know how much you love him," she says gently after Hokuto finishes. "You're always honest, Hokuto. It shows on your face."

Hokuto stills. "It does?"

"It's clear how much you care about your friends." She chuckles. "Mao-kun and Makoto-kun, too. But the way you look at Subaru-kun, like he's a beautiful thing..."

"He is," Hokuto agrees quietly, and something in his chest twinges and aches. "Even so—"

"...He looks at you the same way," Grandma continues. "Though you won't believe me, will you?"

No matter how much he wants to believe it, Hokuto pushes the possibility away with a frown. "Akehoshi doesn't like me that way. He said—"

"That's because you're the type to blindly believe everything you hear." With a kindly smile, she offers the jar of konpeito to him, shaking out a handful into his hands. "Not everyone is as honest as you, Hokuto. Perhaps he's trying to protect you."

The sweetness of the candy melts lightly on Hokuto's tongue, much unlike the words he speaks next. "What do you mean...?"

"There might be something he's not telling you," Grandma says cryptically. "Now eat up, dear. When you're heartbroken, a sweet treat never fails to help!"

"You look like a total mess," Anzu deadpans when Hokuto turns up the next morning, nursing an extra-large coffee and a pounding headache. He feels like a total mess, too — after everything that'd happened yesterday and speaking until late with Grandma, he'd fallen into bed completely exhausted, haunted with the image of Subaru every time he'd closed his eyes for a night of restless insomnia.

"Sorry, I had a lot on my plate yesterday," he says, taking another sip of scalding hot coffee, and Anzu sighs.

"Look, Hokuto-kun. I don't think even makeup can fix your eyebags at this rate. Did you even sleep?" She sets down the papers she's holding, beckoning Hokuto over to the chair across her desk — her desk, because somehow in the past year she's managed to become infamous enough that she'd gotten her own private office in ES — and holding out a pocket mirror. "You look at yourself and tell me you can work like that."

And... yeah, Hokuto thinks, as he stares at himself blankly in the mirror, he looks, for lack of other words, like a total mess. Since when did his eyes look so red? Did he even brush his hair? Hell, even Anzu's superb makeup skills might not even be able to hide the gaunt shadows under his eyes.

"So? What happened to you?"

Hokuto takes another sip of coffee. Anzu seems to have enough on her plate already, so he opts for the abridged version: "I had a fight with Akehoshi—"

That seems to catch her attention. "You fought with Subaru-kun enough to keep you up all night crying?"

"Anzu—" Sighing, Hokuto leans back on his chair, blinking back the tiredness from his eyes. He's forgotten how perceptive she can be, what with being unable to see her as often as they had in school, and settles for a resigned nod.

Anzu scrutinises him for a long moment, then exhales in a slow, knowing way. "You're in love with him."

"Anzu," Hokuto says again, too tired to object further. "Please don't tell anyone."

She seems to take pity on him, though, and doesn't ask for the details. "Go back to the dorms for today. I'll cancel all of your work."

"But—"

"No buts," Anzu declares, already shoving him towards the door. "Now scurry over, the dorms are waiting. And I'm a busy woman, you know?" With a smile, she adds, quietly, "Good luck with Subaru-kun."

With that, Hokuto is left stranded outside of Anzu's office.

He tries to take another drag of coffee, but somehow the cup seems to have emptied itself, and Hokuto ponders his next move as he searches for a suitable bin to throw it into. There's one in the StarPro kitchen, he remembers idly, so perhaps he'll check his locker for anything while he's there.

"If it isn't Hidaka!" Energetic as always, Hokuto finds Chiaki holding the elevator for him as he approaches, beckoning for him to get in. "C'mon, get in! Time doesn't wait for everyone!"

"Good morning, Morisawa-senpai." Hokuto hurries in, quickly pressing the button for the 20th floor.

"Hm? Pardon for asking, but aren't both you and Akehoshi looking glum recently? Should I chase away your nightmares too, Hidaka?" Chiaki punctuates this with a laugh that's almost too big for the elevator they're in and a clap on the back. Hokuto glances up, something akin to unease beginning to form deep in the recesses of his mind. "Whoa, aren't you looking a bit pale to—"

"—Akehoshi is having nightmares?"

Chiaki blinks in what seems like surprise. "Didn't Akehoshi tell you himself?"

"No...?" Hokuto glances down at his empty coffee cup. Suddenly, all he wants to do is lie down and close his eyes. "We haven't spoken since— since we fought..."

At that moment, the elevator doors open, and the bustle of the office seems to be the wrong place to say anything more.

"Sorry, Hidaka, I've gotta go," Chiaki says as they step out, but not before offering another pat on the shoulder, "but I'll protect Akehoshi from his nightmares, so there's nothing to fear!"

There's something like pity in Chiaki's eyes when he meets them, mustering up the energy to give the smallest of smiles. "Thank you, Morisawa-senpai."

Tiredly, Hokuto trudges to the kitchen to dispose of his cup, before grabbing the handful of pages at the bottom of his locker and hurrying to the dorms, somehow tired despite the coffee in his system — so it's startling when he's just about to reach out for the doorknob of his room and suddenly, from behind, a cheerful voice calls out the nickname he's been waiting to hear.

Hokuto turns so fast that he almost overbalances, the rapid beating of his heart startling him awake, but he's not there. Not even a hint of orange, no footsteps, no—

"Hibiki-senpai," he sighs when the puzzle pieces finally slot together, "that's not very funny of you."

A moment later, Wataru slips down from wherever he'd been hiding with a flourish. "My, that's certainly a reaction, Hokuto-kun!"

"What do you want?" Hokuto rubs his eyes, frowning. First Chiaki, and now Wataru — he's already getting the feeling that he'll fall asleep immediately once he slips away. "I'm busy."

"There's a little birdie who wants to talk to you, see!" Wataru hums, stepping up to Hokuto and showering him in a spray of bright petals from his bare hands. "Come out, come out, Sora-kun!"

"Hihi, Hokke-onii-san!" Sora bounds out from behind Wataru, smiling and waving. "It's been a while since you visited Sora's room!"

"Harukawa-kun," Hokuto greets, feeling a tinge of guilt — he hasn't been to visit Subaru in a long while. "Sorry about that."

"Hokke-onii-san and Sparkly-onii-san love each other a lot, right? When Hokke-onii-san comes to visit, Sparkly-onii-san's colours are always so happy!" But Sora's face falls, sighing. "But recently, Sora hasn't seen Sparkly-onii-san with happy colours, and Sora doesn't know how to help him."

"His colours are...?"

Sora nods. "Hokke-onii-san and Sparkly-onii-san have super special colours for each other. Sora thinks it's pretty, see? But Sora doesn't like it when Sparkly-onii-san has many sad colours, so Sora wants Hokke-onii-san to make up with Sparkly-onii-san quickly!"

Sora's pureheartedness reminds Hokuto of him for a short moment — before Sora's sad smile is replaced with the ghost of one he knows too well, and a tightening, constricting pain squeezes in his chest.

"It's not as simple as that, Sora-kun," Wataru interjects when Hokuto stays silent, gently placing a hand on the younger boy's shoulder. "Hokuto-kun, shall I give you a hint?"

"A hint?" Hokuto echoes, confused. "A hint for what?"

"When was the last time he was closed off to you?" There's a gentleness to Wataru that Hokuto's never heard before, and even Sora seems intrigued.

"During— during SS?"

"And why was that, Hokuto-kun?"

"Because he was scared?" Frowning, Hokuto bites back a yawn as Wataru nods, urging him to elaborate. He's almost forgotten his tiredness, but it seems to hit him just at this moment as he racks his tired brain, blinking away dizziness. "...Because his father's scandal was revealed to the public? What's the meaning of this, Hibiki-senpai?"

"Bravo! Now go and rest up, dear Romeo; you wouldn't want your Juliet to worry, would you?" Wataru winks, one hand steering Sora away and the other waving as they depart down the hallway. "Sora-kun and I shall be on our merry way! Adios!"

Hokuto watches them go, feeling almost every fibre of his body screaming and aching in tiredness. He'll think about this later — for now, he tumbles into the peace and quiet of his room, scuffing off shoes as neatly as he can in the entranceway, not even bothering to change clothes as he drops the papers from his locker on his desk and collapses on his bed.

"Oh my god. You look terrible, Hokuto," is the first thing Mao says to him as he slides into the chair opposite Hokuto's. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'll be fine," Hokuto replies, but like everyone he's said the same line to in the past few days, Mao sighs and shakes his head.

"You... don't look like you'll be fine," Mao says eventually, and an agreeing Makoto slips into the chair on his left. "Right, Makoto?"

"I hate to break it to you, but do you look terrible, Hidaka-kun."

They're just meeting over lunch, but it seems like it's been a long time since Hokuto's even talked to them — since his talk with Wataru, he's been busy catching up on work, piling on more jobs, fixing up the low balance in their accounting books. Even in the scraps of free time he has, he's pondering over the meaning of Wataru's hint, hoping to discover something he hadn't already thought of and discarded. Somehow, they've all come to a silent agreement that any sort of group practice involving both himself and Subaru is going to be an awkward, unproductive session, so they've been practicing alone for a while, and perhaps it's for the better in the forseeable future, because Hokuto is still unable to figure out how to face him after the first disastrous confrontation.

Hokuto's sure they're just worried for him, because their unit has always been the four of them, and somehow he's managed to screw things up so badly — exactly what he'd been afraid of.

"Sorry, everyone." Sighing, Hokuto meets the eyes of his friends, who each offer a resigned smile. "I'll—"

"—WeLL, weLL, if it isn't Trickstar." Natsume lifts an eyebrow as he spots the empty seat at the table beside Hokuto. "Fancy seeing only three of you togethER, hM?"

"Sakasaki-kun," Makoto starts worriedly, but Natsume continues without heeding his tone, staring directly at Hokuto.

"You haven't sorted out your little love troubles yET?" Natsume sighs, shaking his head in emphasis. "Must I hear more of Baru-kun's rambling in vAIN? Time and time aGAIN, I've told him I do not care for his silly little crUSH, but—"

"—What did you just say?" Hokuto stands so fast that his chair almost topples over, heart leaping into his throat. Everything seems like it's whirling, too many things bursting into his mind — the fact that Natsume knows about what's been happening between them, that Natsume knows Subaru likes someone. "About Akehoshi. How did you know?"

There's a moment that hangs taut between them. "...So you're just as dense as he sAID."

"What?" Hokuto breathes, and Natsume jabs a finger harshly at his chest.

"It's yOU," he grits out in a hushed whisper, "you're the idiot Baru-kun won't stop jabbering to me aBOUT."

And with that, Natsume stalks off, leaving Hokuto standing in the middle of the bustling cafeteria.

It's only after Natsume's figure disappears into the distant hallway that Hokuto collapses back into his chair, rubbing his eyes so hard that spots dance behind his closed eyelids. He's never been good with the sort of cryptic messages Natsume likes to speak in, let alone knowing if he's telling the truth.

Still, Hokuto is determined to get to the bottom of the mess he's landed himself in.

"Man, he really went and said it," Mao sighs. "I was hoping it wouldn't end up like that."

"It's not the first time someone's told me that," Hokuto says, finally. He doesn't know what even to make of it, because Subaru had never let him believe in anything beyond friendship. "It doesn't make sense, though."

"We don't want to just tell you all the answers, all right?" Mao sets down the chopsticks he's holding beside his empty bowl. "If someone's going to tell you how Subaru feels about you, then obviously, Subaru should be the one to tell you himself."

"But if what Sakasaki said was right," Hokuto reasons slowly, "then why was Akehoshi always against the idea of us dating?"

This time, it's Makoto who answers, in a quiet voice that almost stops Hokuto's heart. "Maybe it's not that he doesn't want to, Hidaka-kun. Maybe it's because he can't."

It's only by the time the week rolls to an end that Hokuto has time to sit and parse through his thoughts, despite the haunting, intrusive whispers that burn at the back of his consciousness that come at night. It feels as if he's so close to the answer — but even as he scribbles them down on paper, arranging and rearranging the hints he's been given, nothing seems conclusive.

"Hidaka-senpai?" Hajime holds out a mug of tea, which Hokuto takes gratefully. "You've been looking stressed recently, so I've brewed some chamomile and lavender tea, with a spoonful of honey as you like it."

"Thank you, Shino-kun." Hokuto cradles the mug in his hands, letting the warmth seep into his cold hands. Both the temperature and fragrance are perfect, perhaps even rivalling Grandma's green tea.

"Um," Hajime starts, timidly gesturing to the paper Hokuto had been studying, "is there anything I can help with? Something's been troubling you for a while, right?"

"Well..." Hokuto sighs, placing down the paper. "I've been trying to find out why Akehoshi is acting like he is, but..."

Hajime pauses in thought for a moment. "I spoke to him recently, and he asked me a strange question... I wrote it down in my journal, so please wait a moment, Hidaka-senpai."

As Hajime scurries over to his table, Hokuto studies the paper where he's written everything down. Something is still missing, Hokuto concludes, but even his dreams have been drenched in an inconclusive, blurry grey. There's still something Hokuto doesn't understand — how all the things he's been told link together.

Subaru is scared of something, and perhaps he's protecting Hokuto from it. He might not be telling Hokuto everything, because Mao, Makoto, Chiaki and even Natsume each know things he doesn't — but perhaps it's because he can't tell Hokuto, if Makoto had been telling the truth. It links back to the scandal with his father, but Hokuto doesn't know why.

Suddenly, Hajime is by his side again, holding up the journal Hokuto sometimes spies him scribbling in.

"The question Akehoshi-senpai asked was," Hajime starts, "um... if there was something that I wanted so much, and I could reach out at any time and take it, but it would cause the person I care about the most to be hurt beyond repair... but if I chose not to, I would have to bear that pain myself." He frowns, and Hokuto can feel the gears shifting in the back of his own mind — because something about this clicks with him, with the hastily-scribbled notes on his paper. "He said it was something from a game he was playing with Yuuki-senpai, but I said that if my siblings were hurt... or if it were Ra*bits, or my friends... I think I would rather bear that suffering by myself."

It clicks.

"And?" Hokuto thinks he knows what Hajime will say next, but he asks anyway— "What did he say?"

"Akehoshi-senpai said he'd do the same."

Everything feels light, like it's all been lifted off his shoulders.

The last piece of the puzzle: the reason why. And Hajime holds it right there in his hands, still innocently frowning. The reason why Subaru had been so adamant on telling others that they weren't dating, the reason why Hokuto was the one he couldn't confide in; the reason why everyone's been telling him that it isn't because Subaru didn't love him.

(Because if Subaru loved him — because if Subaru loved him more than anything, then he wouldn't let Hokuto be hurt.)

Hokuto breathes.

"I— I think I finally understand."

"Please wait, Akehoshi."

"Sorry, Hokke! I've gotta go to my job—"

"Please, could you listen to me for a minute?" Subaru lifts his eyes when Hokuto tugs at his wrist, and Hokuto can see shadows under them that he's covered with makeup. Hokuto feels a little guilty, asking Anzu to set up their accidental meeting, and Hokuto can see his eyes flickering away from his gaze; a distant, clouded blue.

"Hokuto," he starts, "I told you—"

"I think I understand now," Hokuto says, and Subaru's eyes widen. "I understand why you chose to—"

"—Shh, not here." He gestures at the office, at the people passing outside in the hallway. "If you want to talk, I'll call you tonight, okay?"

Hokuto swallows the lump in his throat as he nods. That'd been smoother than he'd expected. "Yeah. Okay."

"Yeah." The smallest of pained smiles tugs at Subaru's lips, but though it's still faraway and hesitant, he doesn't shy away. There's even the slightest amount of hopeful anticipation in his voice, but perhaps it's just Hokuto's imagination. "See you, then?"

He's left with a strange, floating feeling as Subaru hurries down the corridor.

Perhaps Hokuto is overthinking things.

It's getting late, and Subaru still hasn't called him back. Hokuto can feel his stomach flipping in anticipation, checking his phone every few minutes despite the pile of things to finalise and scripts to learn gnawing at his subconscious. Keito is off on Akatsuki business for a week, and Hajime seems to have gone home to visit his family, so Hokuto is left to worry by himself in their empty dorm room.

What if Subaru had simply told him that he'd call just so Hokuto would leave him alone? What if he never calls? If Hokuto is left hanging just like that?

Sighing, Hokuto pushes himself away from his desk, thoughts too muddy to continue studying his script, opting to fall onto his bed. He remembers, a little too clearly, the night when he'd pushed open the door with a hand warm in his, laughter on his lips and stomachs warm from the cafeteria — he remembers how Subaru had gently laid his head on his lap as they'd chatted about nothing and everything, necklace sparkling around his neck and smile bright on his cheeks.

Something in his chest hurts.

Stupid of him, he thinks, to love someone. Stupid of him—

Hokuto sits up abruptly, pushing the thoughts from his head and grabbing his phone from the desk. If Subaru won't call him, then Hokuto will find him himself.

It's getting late, so perhaps Subaru will already be in his room — if not, still practicing in a spare room somewhere. Perhaps he'll even bring a snack from the pantry for Sora, he thinks as he lines up his slippers and grabs his phone, just in case he gets the call.

No sooner has he opened the door does Hokuto stop.

"—Akehoshi?"

From just outside the door, Subaru smiles, a little nervously. He's holding his phone in one hand, and Hokuto wonders if he'd been standing here this whole time, working up the courage to dial. "Um... hey."

"...Do you want to come in?" Hesitant, Hokuto holds the door open. "Nobody else is here tonight."

Subaru is silent, but after a pause, he makes the slightest nod, slipping the phone back into his pocket. "Sorry for intruding."

"You can sit anywhere," Hokuto says, somewhat awkwardly, as Subaru shuffles in and he closes the door behind them, setting down a pair of room slippers by Subaru's feet. "Do you want tea?"

Instead of replying, Subaru takes a step forward, then another; finally reaching around Hokuto's waist and pulling him loosely into an embrace. It's awkward, Subaru's body is stiff, and Hokuto can only blink in surprise as Subaru presses his face into Hokuto's shoulder.

Then, quietly: "You said you figured it out?"

There it is. Hokuto swallows, suddenly feeling as if there's a lump lodged in his throat.

"You wanted to protect me." Subaru is silent, but Hokuto feels his fingers clench a little tighter on the fabric of his shirt. "I don't know what it was like for you when your dad died," Hokuto continues, "but you were hurt because of it, and you wanted to protect me from experiencing that pain. And I'm sorry, Akehoshi. For not realising sooner."

Instead of answering, Subaru hums quietly. "Do you remember the Starmine live we did?"

"Yeah?"

Subaru's grip tightens a little, and his voice is a little shaky when he continues, "I remember there was a festival nearby, and you said I'd get lost if I went to the festival by myself, so— so you held my hand while we were walking through the festival so we wouldn't get separated, and we watched the fireworks together. Yeah?"

Hokuto's breath hitches.

"And— and I remember, 'cause you were so beautiful, and I couldn't stop looking at you instead of the fireworks, and I realised—" he laughs, but it's weak and choked with tears, "—I realised I was in love with you. I mean, I liked you since we were first years, but that was when I realised I wanted— I wanted to be by your side, no matter what."

"Akehoshi," Hokuto whispers, and some part of him is still reeling — still unable to process the fact that Subaru returns his feelings, that the answer had been laid out in front of him all this time — as he tugs Subaru closer for a lack of words.

"I knew that you liked me back," he says, softly, into Hokuto's shoulder, "but I couldn't let you go through that suffering. It's okay if it's me... that's what I thought, see? That it'd be okay, I've done it before, I can do it again... but I can't watch someone I love go through something as terrible as that ever again. If— if everyone called you the same names they called my mom and m—my dad— if they ruined your dream, Hokuto, I— I'd never forgive them."

And, suddenly, Hokuto knows what he has to do.

"I'll fight them."

His voice rings loud and clear, and Subaru raises his head to blink at him, wondrous and wide, tears still glistening in his eyes. "What?"

They may be idols, but they're only human — they have hearts, and it's not right for anyone else to tell Subaru who he should love. It's not right for him to be terrified of following what his heart wants — and that's what Hokuto's been fighting for all this time, right?

"I'll fight them until we can be together," Hokuto says again, feeling confidence well up in him the second time he says it. Because who is Hidaka Hokuto if he doesn't fight for the boy he loves? "One day, I'll show everyone — the world, however big it is — that I love you."

He holds his breath in the silence that comes next, as Subaru's eyes widen into something that seems like understanding, and Hokuto knows he's done it right.

"Hokke," Subaru breathes, and then he's laughing, bubbling and spilling from his lips. "Hokke, why did I know you'd say that?"

"I—" Hokuto sighs, smiles. "Because we're friends?"

Because I love you?

There's a gentle longing in Subaru's eyes when they meet Hokuto's gaze again. "You know it's impossible for us to date, right?"

"We're Trickstar," Hokuto says, "and impossible isn't in our dictionary. It might take years, but I won't go back on a promise."

Subaru beams, then, brightly beautiful; a smile that reaches his eyes.

He steps forward, and Hokuto lets him in, meeting him in an embrace. He's warm in Hokuto's arms, fitting into his gaps like there's a space carved perfectly for him there; curls tickling Hokuto's cheeks, breaths puffed against his neck, fingers tucked into the folds of his shirt. Hokuto breathes in his summery scent and pulls him close until he swears their heartbeats are linked; a promise and an answer.

"I love that serious part of you," Subaru admits quietly, still warm against Hokuto's body. Stepping back, Subaru's smile melts into warm radiance, a gentleness that seems to tell Hokuto that he's truly, honestly happy. "I really do, Hokke."

He's beautiful, even as the last of his tears glisten in his eyes, and then his hand is brushing Hokuto's cheek, tugging him close until their foreheads bump. Hokuto holds the world in his arms, and even if they have to keep everything between themselves for now, something settles deep in his chest, thrumming comfortably beside the content beat of his heart.

"I'll fight with you," Subaru whispers, "so let's work hard together, 'kay?"