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“A toast to the groom,” Oikawa declared, raising his cup up. Iwaizumi wore a small smile. It was rare. Not Iwaizumi smiling, but Iwaizumi smiling at him. Too bad it had to be in these circumstances. “And to the bride,” Oikawa turned, forcing himself to be strong. Mihoko’s eyes brightened. Oikawa turned straight ahead and closed his eyes as he plastered on a fake smile he knew so well would look genuine, just to block out the torment he put his own heart through. “From your best friend, and from your brother.” The smiles on Iwaizumi and Mihoko’s faces grew and Oikawa wanted nothing more than to break, right then and there.
-
Oikawa sat at the root of a tree, sniffling. He had accidentally tripped on his foot while running and fell onto the floor, scraping his knee. It was bleeding and had dirt all over the wound and it hurt but he wasn’t supposed to touch it because that would mean he’d get bacteria into it and he just didn’t know what to do other than sit there and calm himself down until it stopped hurting and he could leave. “Stupid knee,” he sobbed, “stop bleeding! Stop crying, Oikawa!”
He heard rustling from up ahead and looked up, sniffing profusely, to see a boy wearing a tank top and shorts. The boy had spiky black hair, a bandage on his face and a bug net in his hand. He was handsome. He had sharp eyes, in a rugged but somewhat lanky frame. It made Oikawa’s heart pick up, as it did around beautiful girls and boys, but he was crying so right now, it didn’t really matter as much. The boy walked up to Oikawa, albeit hesitantly. After studying him for a second, he asked, voice careful, “Are you okay?”
Oikawa choked back an ugly sob. “No. I’m bleeding.”
“Oh,” the boy said unsurely. “Well, do you want me to help?”
Oikawa buried his face in his arms, not wanting this random, handsome boy to stare at his ugly snot and crying face. He felt self aware, self conscious around him. Don’t judge me. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
“No.”
“Well,” the boy looked around, “are your parents here?”
He shook his head into his knees, avoiding his scrape. Another sob escaped him.
“Do you know where your house is?”
Oikawa nodded. He hiccuped.
“I can take you there? Do you want me to?”
This time, Oikawa nodded, although it was small. The boy grinned to himself. He held out a hand, and Oikawa peeked up.
“Come on, do you want to go?”
“My knee still hurts,” Oikawa said, cursing himself for having a congested nose and crying.
The boy thought for a second, then said, “Do you want me to carry you home?”
“Carry?” he repeated.
“Yeah, I can give you a piggy back ride? You just need to get on my back..”
“But won’t I be heavy?”
“Nah, I’m strong,” the boy boasted, chest rising a bit. Oikawa nearly giggled. The boy bent down and waved Oikawa over. “Come on, get on.”
Oikawa stood up, suppressing his whimpers and tears as he got on. The boy put his hands under Oikawa’s thighs, securing him. This boy felt strong, reliable. When Oikawa teetered for a second, unstable, the boy secured him immediately, filling Oikawa with a small sense of relief and trust. “Don’t worry, I won’t drop you,” the boy said.
Oikawa loosened his grip around the boy’s chest. “I know,” he replied.
-
Oikawa laughed wildly as Iwaizumi chased him down through the woods. “You’ll never catch me!” he hollered.
“Shut up, I will!” he heard Iwaizumi holler right back. Oikawa cackled. He glanced around, looking for a place to hide when he saw that there was a river blocking his path. “Where are you?” Iwaizumi called out. His voice was close, very close. Oikawa panicked and dashed behind a large tree.
The footsteps faded away, and Oikawa let out a breath of relief. He glanced to his side to see if the path was clear. As far as he could tell, nobody was there. He turned again to dash when somebody suddenly slammed their hands around Oikawa, caging him in. Oikawa jolted in surprise.
His eyes darted towards the perpetrator, and Oikawa felt like a deer in headlights. There Iwaizumi was, barely just a few inches away from his face, wearing a smug grin.
“Told you I would,” he smirked.
With the way Oikawa’s heart was skipping beats, you’d think he might’ve died soon.
-
“Let’s debate, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa sang.
“Debate?” he snorted. “Why?”
“Because! I need intellectual stimulation. We can’t play volleyball because my mom won’t let us go to the park, and that’s like the most fun thing we can do.”
“Debate about what?”
“I don’t know, what do you want to debate about?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one who asked.”
“Yes. I am asking you. What do YOU. Want to debate about.”
“Why should I be the one who decides if you’re the one who wants to do it in the first place?”
“Because I’m asking you to do it.”
“That’s unfair.”
“Is it?”
“It is.”
“Only because you think so. How does one determine what’s unfair and what is fair anyways?”
“By the opinion of those involved.”
“Yes, but if a child eats a cake the day before they were supposed to share with their sibling, so get none the next day while their sibling gets a cake of their own, but the child thinks it’s unfair, is it really?”
“To the child it is.”
“Yes, but it’s not actually unfair.”
“But in the opinion of the child it is.”
“Opinion is not fact.”
“Opinion should be given account.”
“Sometimes fact and logic rules over emotion.”
“You say this, but you’re dramatic as hell.”
“It’s in my nature, am I supposed to change my being at its core?”
“No, but it’s hypocritical.”
“And it’s rude of you to point it out like it’s a flaw.”
“You’re so good at twisting arguments and words towards your way, you know.”
“Am I really?”
“Yes. You’re good at manipulation.”
“Define manipulation.”
“You turn things in your favor even when you’re at odds.”
“And this is a flaw?”
“When you use it for evil.”
“Have I ever used it for evil? What does one say to determine evil and good anyways? Two sides of the same coin, aren’t they? And morality is a construct. The good are bad, and the bad are good, but who are we, mere beings placed on the earth for no reason until we give ourselves one, to decide?”
“I’m not saying you use it for anything evil, but being a master manipulator means you easily could use it for things like that. And you probably would. And are you saying those who commit blatant wrongdoings are still good because we as humans can’t judge for the sake of being human?”
“Those who commit wrongdoings sometimes have reasons. Sometimes students murder other students, but the student they murder were bullies who tormented them and made their everyday life a living hell. Is it still wrong for them to retaliate after the mental deterioration the victim afflicted?”
“It’s still a crime.”
“They still got what was coming to them.”
“You’re just a sadist.”
“And you get mad at those who get vengeance.”
“Vengeance is petty.”
“Vengeance is a skill. Those who get angry at those who know how to get justice are those who will never be able to stand up to those who have done them crude.” Oikawa leaned back and stretched, satisfied. “Ah! Iwa-chan, you’re such a good debater.”
Iwaizumi blinked. “We were debating?”
Oikawa giggled. “Yes, Iwa-chan.” He leaned over and booped his nose. “You’re nearly on par with me.” A shit eating grin took over his face. “ Nearly. I win.”
Iwaizumi frowned. “No, you don’t.”
“Want to argue it?”
-
Oikawa went home with a smile on his face he couldn’t even stop. His cheeks hurt from smiling so bad.
He felt like he’d finally met his match. Iwaizumi wasn’t a wimp who just gave him whatever. He argued with him, he put up a fight. And he wasn’t afraid to do it. Oikawa never let his insults affect him, because he would always hit back. Iwaizumi supplied him with intellectual joy, although he seemed brutish in reality (not like him being a brute would stop Oikawa from loving him). But he was always willing to argue him, just because ‘it’s Oikawa, he’s always wrong.’ And Oikawa always got to use his mental skill to win.
It was a common thing; argue with Iwa-chan, use great reading skills and what was, to be honest, probably manipulation (or what he preferred to call very great conversational and argumentative skills) and win.
Was this what it felt like to match somebody with will of wit like yours? Was there a catch? Was Iwaizumi actually a major asshole who was going to murder his family? There had to be a catch, right? With somebody as amazing as him, there had to be, right?
Oh man, it felt great.
With Iwaizumi, he felt like he was going to have a revelation any time soon, and a big one. A Ben Franklin meets a key and a kite moment.
Awh, come on, you saw it too, right?
-
“Oi, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi said.
“Hmm?” he turned.
“You’ve got food on your lips.”
“Where?” He licked to the right.
“No, more to the left.” Oikawa licked again. “Missed it. More down.” Licked. “Missed. More to the side.” Licked. “Missed. No, it’s more like-” Licked. “Damnit, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi grabbed his face and swiped his thumb over the side of Oikawa’s lip. Oikawa flamed red. Iwaizumi studied his face a bit more, then wiped his thumb again, this time on Oikawa’s lower lip. He suddenly frowned and pulled Oikawa’s lip down. ?!?!?!?! “Oikawa, you’re bleeding.”
“I wam? Reawway?” he asked, unable to talk clearly due to Iwaizumi inspecting his lip up close and personal.
“Yeah. The inside of your bottom lip. You okay? What happened?”
“I muswt hawf bit my liep.”
Iwaizumi touched the bleeding wound. Oikawa winced. “OW! What da fwuck is wrong witr you?”
“Don’t bite your lip, dumbass! I wouldn’t be doing this if you hadn’t been so reckless!”
“I jwust bwit my wlip!”
“Still!” Iwaizumi let go of Oikawa’s lip and huffed, crossing his arms. “Take better damn care of yourself, stupid. You don’t take care of yourself as well as you should.”
Oikawa rubbed his lip, still feeling flustered from all the shit Iwaizumi just pulled. “Yeah, yeah, Iwa-chan, I still don’t see why you care so much.” Quietly, to himself he said, “Just don’t play with my feelings like that again. You’re so cruel…”
-
Oikawa watched Iwaizumi, star struck.
Why was he so pretty?
Iwaizumi looked at him and his expression took over an immediate annoyed expression like it always did when anything Oikawa related happened. “What are you looking at?”
Oikawa felt his heart take a pang of pain. Before, his insults would have never affected him, but now, he wasn’t going to lie; it hurt. And he knew why.
He forced a casual smile and straightened up, looking away. “Nothing.”
-
“I actually liked the book better than the movie,” Oikawa replied to Makki.
“You’re wrong,” Iwaizumi suddenly butted in.
Oikawa blinked. “What?”
“You’re wrong.”
“Iwa-chan, you’ve never even read the book or watched the movie.”
Iwaizumi leaned onto his back. “Who cares? It’s you. You’re always wrong.”
While Makki laughed excitedly about how ‘Iwaizumi is on my side!,’ Oikawa couldn’t help but feel hurt.
Why was it that he was wrong just because he was him?
Why was he always placed below?
Why did he have to constantly remind him that he didn’t even like him? Not even a single bit?
-
“Iwa-chan! Dance with me!” Oikawa yelled, twirling on the floor. They had just won the biggest game of their middle school season effectively ending their middle school volleyball world before they moved on to the high. They were having a party at Makki’s house, and they were all dressed quite formally. It was night, and the place was lit up with fairy lights, like a hazy, unreal dream. The stars above were twinkling so bright. The food was a large spread of delicacies Makki yelled at them to bring, and Matsun was blasting music from his playlist. Of course, Oikawa decided it was time to free style like he always did at home.
“I can’t dance,” Iwaizumi shook his head.
Oikawa laughed. “I don’t care!” He held his hand out towards Iwaizumi, wearing a massive, excited grin lit up by the lights that painted him so attractively. Iwaizumi looked at him in surprise. “Dance with me!”
Before Iwaizumi could decline, his hand unconsciously lifted on its own, and Oikawa grabbed it with enthusiasm. He pulled him onto the dance floor and spun him around wildly, laughing and twirling with a passionate, free zeal.
And again, because Iwaizumi could never really decline to Oikawa, he began to laugh too.
-
“You’re so handsome,” Oikawa chirped, admiring how Iwaizumi looked so good when just existing.
“Really?” Iwaizumi snorted. “Can’t say the same for you.”
Oikawa blinked. “What?”
Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and looked at him. “You’re fucking ugly, you know that? You’re always so fucking fake. That smile of yours isn’t even goddamn real and it makes you look like dog shit and piss.”
Oikawa made a fake gasp. I better seem fucking unaffected right now. “Fine, I’ll tell you you’re an ugly ass piece of shit,” Oikawa spat back.
“Your attitude is shit,” Iwaizumi replied.
“You say that, yet you bully me every goddamn fucking day,” Oikawa muttered.
“I don’t bully you. You bully me.”
“Then why do you say the shit you do?”
“Because you do it to me!”
“I COMPLIMENTED YOU!” Oikawa yelled. This had gone personal quick. “You know what, fuck you,” he said, packing his clothes into his bag. “I’m fuckin leaving.”
“What? Oikawa, it’s 1 AM.”
“Why the fuck do you act like you care?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, bewildered.
“What do I mean?” Oikawa nearly slapped the shit out of him. “I’m so damn tired of you, you know that? I’m going to go find a fucking bitch to bring me home.”
“What the hell do you mean by that? You’re not going to hitchhike, are you?”
“So what if I will?” Oikawa sneered. He was pissed and he was done. “Stop acting like you ever gave a shit. Stop acting like you care now!”
“Why would I do that?! It’s not my fault you’re a dumb BITCH!”
This time, Oikawa actually bitch slapped him. Hard. His cheek was forming an EXTREMELY clear, visible and red outline of his hand. “I don’t give a fuck if you don’t want me to step out the damn door right now. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t want me hitchhiking. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t want me alive. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck at all.”
“Do you know what the fuck could happen to you if you go outside right now?” Iwaizumi seethed, trying to restrain himself.
“Do you think I care? Even if a random man took me into his car, I’d still go with him. Anything to get away from you.”
“Why are you acting like I’ve done anything bad?!” Iwaizumi threw his hands up in the air.
“Why are you acting so goddamn oblivious?!”
“Because you’re not telling me shit!”
The anger bubbles rising up in him popped even more. “I am so SICK of you! I ALWAYS have to tell you shit! 24/7! And I ALWAYS have to explain myself to you, justify actions that don’t even need justification just because YOUR ass is so whiny that you think you deserve it! You know what?” His voice was filled with raw anger. “FIGURE IT OUT ON YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING CUNT ASS HAG!”
He grabbed his bag, and Iwaizumi felt panic fill him. “Oikawa, wait!”
“What?”
“Where are you going to go?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find a hot man and get fucked.”
Rage filled Iwaizumi, and he grabbed Oikawa’s bag and threw it across the room. Oikawa sucked in a sharp breath of vexation. “You piece of-”
Iwaizumi slammed his arms around each side of Oikawa’s head. His eyes were full of pure red wrath. “If you fuck somebody, I’ll kill them.” His voice was genuine and full of fury. Like he would actually, genuinely kill anybody who even so much as thought about touching Oikawa’s dick. “You’re not fucking going anywhere. ”
“Who the fuck are you to decide that for me?” Oikawa snorted. Stop acting so mad about me going to get fucked by somebody. I’ve never even been fucked anyway, but you act like this shit is so sinful. Ironic, since you tell me to stop flirting around when I so much as look at a person with a pretty face.
“Your fucking best friend. What the hell do you think?”
“Right,” Oikawa scoffed, “just your best friend.”
Iwaizumi faltered. “What does that mean?”
Oikawa glared at him, feeling his heart grow heavier than it already was. “Shut the fuck up, Iwaizumi, and leave me the hell alone. I don’t give a shit if you think you can determine my life, my opinion, just because you think YOU know better. If I did the same thing to you, your entire LIFE would be changed. You wouldn’t even be my fucking FRIEND.” He shoved Iwaizumi down to the floor and stormed off, but Iwaizumi ran after him.
“Oikawa!” Oikawa increased his speed. “Oikawa!” Thank God he had long legs. "OIKAWA!” Oikawa was the definition of legs for days. Iwaizumi grabbed his arm and pulled him back forcefully. Oikawa’s glare was so threatening, Iwaizumi nearly cowered into the earth’s core. “What the fuck do you mean you wouldn’t be my friend?”
Like you would ever want to fucking know. “I said,” Oikawa hissed, enunciating every word menacingly, “get. The fuck. Away.” Oikawa ripped his hand from Iwaizumi’s grip. His heart was already wounded. Being around Iwaizumi any second longer meant pouring buckets of salt into it, fresh.
“You hurt yourself on your own. You will never be satisfied, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi said lowly, voice almost unreadable except for the slightest tint of something Oikawa didn’t know how to decipher. Oikawa didn’t allow himself to look back, forced himself to keep going. “You never will.”
And it’s all because of you, he thought, still never letting the tears fall.
-
He was in love with this boy.
So, desperately, purely in love.
Maybe that’s why it hurt so much more when he did what he did.
Oikawa’s eyes watched Iwaizumi, and they were always full of love and fondness and excitement.
Turns out, his sister’s eyes were too.
Oikawa turned his head and saw Mihoko, his baby sister, watching Iwaizumi in awe. Like she was helplessly, hopelessly in love. Like he had been for so many years before her.
Simultaneously, he felt his heart and stomach plummet down all the way into the depths of hell.
“Who’s that guy?” she turned excitedly, cheeks flushing a deep red.
“Iwa-chan,” he smiled, putting on a facade immediately. A facade that said ‘I’m fine,’ a facade that he used everyday, a facade that Iwaizumi could break through. “Do you want me to introduce you?” His smile trembled.
He walked off before she could respond, calling out. “Iwa-chan!”
“Wait-” she protested. He ignored her, continuing to walk towards her, knowing he was digging himself a grave he would never be able to dig out of.
Why am I doing this? he thought, eyes threatening to cry. Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I hate myself? Why am I digging my own grave?
“Come on, Iwa-chan,” he smiled, praying he’d be able to see through his facade.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, voice annoyed. “You’re not going to make me do something stupid as fuck, are you?”
Oikawa’s voice nearly trembled, but he forced it stable. He would never let anybody break through his mask. He wished Iwaizumi would. “I’m about to change your life.”
Iwaizumi sighed uneasily. “Lead the way.”
At this exact moment, Oikawa realized three fundamental truths, all at the exact same time.
Number one.
Oikawa was born into a world where his only job was to marry rich. Marry rich, marry pretty, rule the court.
Of course, in this dog eat dog, social status world, Oikawa ruled it at the top. Just like he was always the team of his king, he was the king of the communion. He was the prettiest, the boldest, the wittiest. Notorious for being pretty, notorious for being intelligent, notorious for being skilled.
In this world, the gossip in Miyagi was, well, insidious.
And Iwaizumi had a penis.
A dick.
Male genitalia.
Hah.
As if that’d make him want him any less.
“Oikawa Mihoko, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” she blushed.
“Oikawa?” Iwaizumi blushed, looking over at Oikawa.
Stable smile, Oikawa. Stable. “My sister.”
Number two.
Iwaizumi was only nice to him because he was his childhood friend. It didn’t mean he liked him, it didn’t mean he actually wanted to be friends with him. They were together because they always had been. Oikawa was an obligation. Not a want, not a need, not a consensual add on. He was there because he just was. It was the way things were, but it wasn’t the way Iwaizumi wanted things to be.
He didn’t love Oikawa. He never had, he never did, and he never would.
It was exactly why he insulted Oikawa every day. Why he spat cruel words that, granted, Oikawa spat back but didn’t really mean. Iwaizumi did, and that was the difference.
It was exactly why he held Oikawa in the lowest regard. “Your expectations are too fucking high.” “You don’t even give a shit about yourself.” “You’re such a manipulative piece of shit.” “You’re not going to torture me like always, are you?” “You’re such a whore.”
It was exactly why his expression always turned sour when anything even remotely Oikawa related was mentioned.
It was exactly why he looked at Oikawa with the most hateful expression in the world.
Oikawa would have to be naive to set that aside.
Maybe that’s why he introduced him to Mihoko.
Well, now Mihoko’s his bride!
Nice going, Oikawa, he was right.
“You will never be satisfied.”
He would never be satisfied.
“Thank you for all the nice things you’ve done,” Mihoko giggled.
“If it takes dealing with Oikawa for us to meet, it will all have been worth it.”
An unpleasant warmth spread through Oikawa. Like his heart was been squeezed with an iron grip. Like he was going to shatter.
The lovestruck air between Mihoko and Iwaizumi did not go unnoticed, and Oikawa had always been perceptive.
He wore a fake smile for the millionth time that night once more. (Not like they would have noticed. Oikawa was invisible. Especially to Iwaizumi; he’d never mattered to him. Not back then, and certainly not now. Anything Iwaizumi had ever done for him was because he had to. He didn’t even make an effort to speak about Oikawa’s front, like he’d commented on so many times before but Oikawa had denied. Oikawa supposed that today was the long time day coming where he really, truly became useless.)
“I’ll leave you to it.”
And as he stepped away, the facade crumbled in an instant, safe from the possibility of his dear Iwaizumi seeing his true self.
His imperfections.
Number three.
Oikawa knew his sister like he knew his own mind. She was a one in a billion, she was beautiful and trusting and kind, she was accepting and Oikawa KNEW.
He knew.
If he told her that he loved him, she would silently resign.
He would be his. Iwaizumi would be mine.
She would say she was fine, he knew it.
And he also knew, she’d be lying.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?
She’d suffer for him, just like he would for her. He always would.
She was his baby sister.
He couldn’t let her go through that.
And so Oikawa willingly put himself through this suffering, this constant torment and anguish and pain.
It wasn’t like he wasn’t already experiencing it, though.
No, he already experienced it every day.
Because Iwaizumi never loved him, never wanted him, never wanted anything to do with him.
He didn’t need Oikawa the way Oikawa needed him.
By doing this, Oikawa just sped up the inevitable. Iwaizumi got with a pretty girl just like they all expected he would. This girl just happened to be his sister.
His sister loved Iwaizumi, though. So was it really that bad?
Did Iwaizumi still think Oikawa was the scum of hell?
Every night, Oikawa dreamed of Iwaizumi. His daydreams, his thoughts, they were all about Iwaizumi. And every night, he wondered to himself, what would have happened if things were different?
What if Oikawa was kinder?
What if Oikawa wasn’t so manipulative?
What if Oikawa didn’t have such high expectations?
What if Oikawa didn’t act so smug, what if Oikawa was sweeter, what if Oikawa was a girl, what if Oikawa hadn't sized him up so quickly, what if Oikawa just let him insult him, what if Oikawa-
What if Oikawa never said yes to Iwaizumi at all?
What if he never stood up and got onto Iwaizumi’s back that day? What if Oikawa never tripped over his foot and fell? What if Oikawa sucked it up and hobbled all the way home?
Would it have made him happier?
It would have saved him from all this anguish.
Every night, Oikawa’s head filled with these thoughts. Every night, Oikawa stopped himself from crying.
Crying was what led him to this anguish.
If he hadn’t cried that day, he would have been fine.
Every night, Oikawa put himself through torture and agony. But he always soothed himself. It’s fine, Oikawa. It’s fine. At least my sweet Mihoko’s his wife. A photo of the two as children laid on his bed. At least he stays in my life.
-
“To your union!” Their high school volleyball team whooped. “And the hope the two of you together provide.” Mihoko’s eyes twinkled, and she ran up from her seat to embrace Oikawa in a tight hug. “I hope you know that I love the two of you,” he smiled, “with all of my heart.” He kissed Mihoko’s forehead and gestured her back to her seat, avoiding Iwaizumi’s strong gaze. He felt himself begin to crumble. No. Not when I’ve done so well for so long. “I cherish the two of you so much. You both are my world.” In ways you could never imagine. “I understand you might not love me at times,” he took a deep breath in, “or at all, but I have never stopped loving you. Taking care of you, being with you, was never an obligation like I was to you. Because I wanted you by my side all along. Being with you brings me real happiness, even if it hurts.” Mihoko laughed. Iwaizumi did, too, and the noise pounded in his ears. If he’d ever looked at Iwaizumi though, he would have seen him wearing a worried expression, or realized that Iwaizumi’s laugh was fake. Like he was realizing something about Oikawa, or perhaps himself.
Oikawa’s hand began to tremble as he raised his glass high up once again, all the way up to the air. His smile's facade began to crack. It began to shake, but he kept smiling, because what more could he do?
And as he spoke his final words, head held high and eyes trained towards the sky, a large, hot, scalding tear fell from his eye.
“May you always be satisfied.”
He moved his cup down, and his tear dripped into the middle of his glass.
He downed it.
Cheers.