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Darkness enveloped him as Hange wrapped a bandana around his eyes.
“You’re gonna love this,” they snickered. The car door slammed and Erwin heard the engine thrum as Hange twisted the key.
“I do hope this will be a short trip.” His deep baritone voice filled the tiny space of Hange’s old Subaru 360, dubbed the ugliest car known to man by Levi.
Hange waved their hand, forgetting the bandana around Erwin’s eyes. “Don’t worry about it, it should take less than ten minutes.”
Half an hour later, Erwin finally felt the car slowing to a stop, tires crunching over parking lot gravel.
“Damn traffic!” Hange yelled, climbing out the car and walking around it to open Erwin’s door. They reached out to grab Erwin’s hand as he got out, still blind folded.
“This way, my good sir.” They led Erwin for a while, stopping to holler at a car not letting them pass. Finally they slowed to a stop.
“Alright, you can take it off now!” Hange exclaimed excitedly.
Erwin reached up and ripped the bandana off, welcoming the cool air around his head. They stood in a car filled parking lot, department stores surrounding them. He looked at Hange quizzically. “Where exactly are we supposed to be?”
Hange tugged on his arm, turning him around to face one of the stores. They flung their arms out in an exaggerated motion. “Ta da!! Welcome to Home Depot!”
A bright orange sign met his eyes, hanging on a large building with the inscription Home Depot. Posters of advertisements and displays of products stood in the windows. Erwin felt a peculiar sensation on his cheeks, and he lifted his hands to them. Hot tears streamed from his eyes, clouding his vision. His heart beat hard in his chest, and his knees felt weak.
“Hange...this is…” He stopped as a choked sob escaped his throat. He fell to his knees, looking up at Hange through blurry eyes. “I love it. Never before have I desired something so strongly.”
Hange grinned at him, pulling him back to his feet. “Well come on then, let’s go inside!”
Erwin straightened out, composing himself slightly as Hange swung the door open ferociously. A musty smell of wood shavings and glue met their nostrils. Erwin breathed in deeply, never before having smelled something so deliciously enticing. Angel’s flitted around him, placing a cap on his head, and tying an orange apron around him. As if by magic, his pants had turned into worn cargo shorts, and his suit jacket had turned into a plaid button up. A mirror magically floated towards him, allowing him to admire his outfit in all its glory.
Hange wolf whistled. “You’re looking mad fine dawg!”
Erwin accepted the complement with a bow, taking Hange’s hand and kissing it. He never was good at reading social cues, but that didn’t stop him from trying. Suddenly a particularly large and orange angel with wood shavings for hair approached him.
“Welcome, chosen one,” it grated out, voice sounding like sandpaper rubbed on wood. “You are our long awaited king.” It reached forward and clasped something to Erwin’s apron. The mirror magically floated towards him again. He glanced at himself again, and almost fainted as he noticed the subtle change of his outfit.
A white tag with the printed words CEO of Home Depot shone against his orange apron. The mirror disappeared and the orange angel bowed to him. “All hail his majesty, the king of Home Depot, sir Erwin Smith.”
Erwin clasped the angel’s hand proudly, bestowing upon him the blessing of the Great Home Depot King. “May thou be forever blessed by my love, oh regal subordinate.”
Red tears poured from the fiery eyes of the angel, flowing like rivers down the mounds of his cheeks. “I am beholden to no one but you, the greatness within you overflows the mortal boundaries of possibility. I pledge my life, my love, and my soul to you, divine ruler.”
Suddenly a short, angry looking man entered the scene. “What’s going on here?”
The angel cried out in agony, eye’s gouged and bleeding from looking at one so unworthy of gaze. “Begone! Begone oh evil spirit! Thou reekst of hatred and ignorance! My King, remove yourself from it’s presence!”
Erwin looked at the angel, then at Levi, who stood in confusion. “Fear not the ignorant, for they shall not hurt you more than the wise can. A man’s wit is the sharpest weapon he can wield.”
The angel gasped. “You speak the truth! Farewell my dearest King! We shall meet again!” Dark crimson wings sprouted from the burnt orange sides of the heavenly being. “Fear not,” the angel warbled, voice turning deep and demonic, “My loyalty lies with you, forever.” A clattering boom and burst of flame sounded, leaving behind a cloud of smoke that had Hange and Levi coughing. Erwin stared in reverence at the place of the angel’s disappearance, heart touched by the sincerity of the otherworldly being.
“What the fuck was that,” Levi coughed, covering his mouth with a handkerchief.
Hange shrugged. “I don’t know. Anyway, what did you need?”
Levi glared at them. “I couldn’t reach the toilet paper,” he muttered.
Erwin kneeled down in front of him. “Fear not, my lovely subordinate, I shall reach it for you, for I,” he paused for dramatic effect, “am the CEO of Home Depot.”
Levi glared at him, unamused. “Does that mean I get a discount?”
“No.”
“Fuck you.”
The bright orange angel appeared before them in a flash, instantly killing Levi with it's ferociously ugly color. "Thou darest speak the lord's name in vain?!" it thundered. It hadn't realized that in it's fit of rage it had also killed both Erwin and Hange. As it saw the smoldering corpse of it's beloved ruler, thick tears dripped down it's face. "I mustn't live any longer," it whispered. It took out a vial of poison, pouring it over itself. "It's been a good one, lads," it said as the poison started to burn the orange skin off of the angel. Within seconds it was dead, piled onto the trio that had fallen before. To this day, police havent been able to figure out what the fuck happened on that fateful day in Home Depot.