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We see death as something strange, something that scares us. No one wishes for death, not even for their worst enemies.
Yuuji is no different. He does not want to die, but he can't stop thinking that only death would bring him peace.
Of course, he is not suicidal. But, once in a while, the idea of jumping from the roof seems ideal to him. But he can't tell anyone that because then everyone would think he was suicidal, which, in his case, is not accurate.
What if he used to hurt himself. It was just an old habit he had, nothing more.
"Itadori, do you know why you are here?"
"No."
"Your classmates noticed scars on your hands and reported it to the teachers."
"I don't see the issue."
"Hurting yourself is the issue. If you need somebody to talk to, now is your chance. That's why I'm here."
"I'm fine."
"Well, until you stop hurting yourself, you have to come here. I talked to your grandpa and, he agreed with me."
He still doesn't understand why they considered it a problem. He knew very well that he was not suicidal.
All he wanted was a way to feel that he was in control. Something that became more and more difficult since he ate Sukuna's finger. Not that he regrets it.
"Everything happens for a reason." his grandfather once said, and Yuuji thinks about it every time he stays awake at night. And today was one of those sleepless nights.
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Yuuji knows very well that he should not sit on the roof of his school at 3 am, not because sometimes he thinks of jumping off the rooftop but because he is sure that he isn't allowed to be there.
But so far, no one had caught him sitting on the rooftop.
It is not that he likes sitting in the cold, but it is either that or to sit in his room thinking that there is a razor in the bathroom waiting for him.
But as charming as this choice seemed to him, Yuuji had stopped hurting himself not so long ago.
Not thanks to the counselor he went to for two years when he was in junior high school. No, she just made him want to continue like that out of spite.
It was two months before he started high school that he had stopped that habit, he didn't want to go to another counselor.
Remembering it now, everything that had happened with the counselor was quite ironic. It wasn't that he stopped hurting himself because he talked to her for two years.
All he had to do to get rid of all those stupid questions and discussions, was to start cutting his thighs instead of his forearm so that the wounds wouldn't be visible.
This trick worked, and shortly after, his counselor told him he could stop coming. Yuuji wanted to laugh knowing, that his plan had worked. If he knew that, that was all it took, he would have done it sooner, escaping these two troublesome years with the counselor.
But it carries no weight since this habit stopped a year later. Now all this belongs to the past.
At least that's what Yuuji wants to believe. He is not even sure if he will ever start hurting himself again.
But some nights like today, when he is sitting on the roof, he thinks what's better, to sit on the rooftop thinking how nice it would be if he jumped off or the idea to continue hurt himself.
But more than anything, Yuuji wants to sleep, something that following the last mission, he rarely did.
It was at times like this that he realized that he had no control over himself anymore, it was at times like this that he wanted to cut and cut till he felt satisfied.
But he couldn't because once you start, it's hard to stop, and Yuuji knew that. That's why he stopped cutting himself in the first place.
For this reason, he prefers to sit on the roof and think how easy it would be to fall from this height, not that he will do it. Yuuji isn't suicidal.
He wishes he could stop all this. In the beginning, everything was fine. He was exorcising curses and nothing else. But now he was a murderer, he had killed people. He didn't know how to feel about his actions.
Yes, Ieri-san had said that he didn't do anything wrong many times, Nanamin had to, but he didn't believe them. The fact that he killed the transfigured humans couldn't leave his mind.
And now he had killed those two siblings. He didn't regret it because it was either them or he and Kugisaki, but when he saw the other one cry, Yuuji couldn't stop feeling like he had done something wrong.
He wanted to ask Gojo-sensei why he was feeling this way.
But he couldn't because he knew that somehow all this would connect to his past behavior. The last thing he wanted was to tell Gojo-sensei that he was cutting himself, Gojo-sensei would think he was suicidal like everyone else and, Yuuji had enough pity stares in all his three years in junior high school.
"Soo~ why are you sitting at the rooftop at 3 am."
What th-
"Come on, Yuuji-kun. You know you can always tell what's wrong."
Oh, today wasn't his lucky day. Gojo-sensei was here. Now he had to find a new place to stay when he couldn't sleep.
"Earth to Yuuji. Can you hear me?"
"Oh, Gojo-sensei why, are you here?"
"I could I ask you the same thing," Gojo-sensei said in a more serious tone.
"Well, I couldn't sleep and came here to get some fresh air," he said, trying to sound convincing enough.
"You came to get some fresh air in the roof?"
"Y-Yeah"
"You know, if Sukuna is annoying to the point you can't sleep, you can come to me for a solution."
"Gojo-sensei, thank you for the offer but, Sukuna didn't do anything. I just came here to get some fresh air."
"Hmmm," Gojo-sensei hummed, "But I want you to know that you can always come and talk to me if you have problems. Okay?"
"Yeah, I know," Yuuji said, scratching his neck.
"Okay. Let's head back to the dorms then," Gojo-sensei said, grabbing Yuuji's hand.
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Yuuji didn't know if he wanted to thank the older man for bringing him back to his room or not. Because now the razor was some steps away, something that Yuuji didn't like.
But Yuuji could ignore it. Like he had all these months. So why was it so hard now, why did he want to go to his bathroom and cut himself like the good old times.
'Nope, those definitely weren't good times,' Yuuji thought to himself.
He turned his attention to his bed. How long had it been since he had some decent sleep?
He laid down and tried to sleep.
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"You look like shit," Kugisaki had commented when she saw him the morning.
"That's what you get when you sleep after 3 am," said Gojo-sensei.
"I'm fine. I wasn't even tired so, instead of sleeping. I finished the assignment you gave us, sensei," Yuuji said before anybody else could comment on his appearance.
Maybe there was a chance that Yuuji didn't sleep last night, but it wasn't his fault that the razors in the bathroom were driving him crazy. So he had gotten up and went to the bathroom to take any razor he had and throw them away.
And maybe, just maybe, he cut his wrist one time, but again it was the razor's fault. But on the bright side, Yuuji was feeling like he had control over himself once more.
He knew it was wrong more than anyone else. It was a one-time mistake that he wouldn't make again.
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Ok, so Yuuji was wrong. It wasn't a one-time mistake. It was the fifth time he cut himself in the past two weeks.
He shouldn't have cut that deep. What was he thinking? After all those months, he started doing the only thing he swore not to.
Maybe he really should be asking for help instead of sitting on the roof with bloody clothes, trying to stop the bleeding in his wrists.
But then again, he didn't want all those pity stares he would receive. So he chose to go to his old spot surely, Gojo-sensei wouldn't come up here twice.
Expect he was wrong. Gojo-sensei was there. Of course, he was there.
Why does it seem like the universe hates Yuuji so much?
"Yuuji, is everything okay?" he asked, taking off his blindfold as if he couldn't believe the sight he was seeing.
"Y-Yeah, of course."
"Can you let me see your arm?" he asked, softly as if Yuuji would break with every sudden sound.
"It's not as bad as it looks like, sensei. I'll be fine," Yuuji said, trying to assure the older man that he was fine.
"And I think we should go to Shoko to treat you, or this is going to be infected."
"Gojo-sensei, it doesn't hurt that much. You don't have to worry, it's not the fir-" Yuuji stopped, he almost snitched himself, "I mean, it doesn't hurt that much." he said, trying to cover up his previous words.
"Yuuji~"
"Y-Yes?"
"Do you think I'm stupid?"
"No, no, of course not."
"Then why are you lying to me. Just let me help you. We will talk about it after."
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"For lying to you."
"Oh Yuuji, let's get you treated."
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"With this, you should be fine, but if it starts hurting, come here immediately," Ieiri-san said as she bandaged his almost healed hand.
Honestly, Yuuji expected Ieiri-san to look at him just as everyone else when they learned what he had done. But Ieiri-san was understanding and didn't ask anything.
"I'm going to leave you two alone now. Gojo, please don't touch or ruin anything,'
"Shoko~ you wound me. I would never do such a thing."
Ieiri-san looked at Gojo-sensei with a disapproving look and left. If the situation were different, Yuuji would laugh at the scene, but he knew that now that Gojo-sensei found out what he had done, he would never be treated the same.
It'll be junior high school all over again. Something that Yuuji hated, that's why he keeps everything to himself. He doesn't want pity from anyone. He wants someone that will, treat him the same no matter what Yuuji had done.
"Yuuji, if I remember correctly, two weeks ago, I told you that you can always come to me if you have a problem." Gojo-sensei said, sounding almost sad. Yuuji had expected him to be mad.
"And now we are here, two weeks later with you trying to kill yourself."
Not again, he knew Gojo-sensei was no different. Why does everyone think he is trying to kill himself. It's a bad habit he is trying to stop, nothing more, nothing less.
"I'm not trying to kill myself," he muttered.
"Then explain your behavior two weeks ago. What were you doing on the rooftop?"
Yuuji didn't answer. He wasn't planning to, plus he knew very well that whatever he said, Gojo-sensei wouldn't believe him, just like everyone else.
"So you were trying to kill yourself."
"No, I wasn't. But you won't believe me no matter what I say, so why bother."
"What makes you think I won't believe you."
Damn it, why does he open his mouth now Gojo-sensei will know about junior high school.
"Just a feeling."
"Yuuji, I know what happened in junior high school."
"What! No, no, no sensei what happened ther-"
"It doesn't matter. I want to hear from you. Why are you doing this."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"And I need to know if my student is suicidal or I am missing something in this situation," Gojo-sensei said, putting his hand gently on Yuuji's shoulder.
"I'm not suicidal!" Yuuji said and got up.
He wasn't planning on sitting here another second. Why does anyone think his behavior is suicidal? Destructive yes, suicidal no.
"Yuuji, wait."
But Yuuji didn't. He left the room running away from Gojo-sensei, just like he was running all those years from his problems.
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Only when he arrived at the dorms, he relaxed. He looked around to see if Gojo-sensei was waiting for him here. Luckily he wasn't. Yuuji didn't want to avoid the same conversation twice in one night.
He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Finally, he was alone.
Except he wasn't. Something just touched his shoulder.
Yuuji was about to scream, but the thing had already closed his mouth.
"Itadori, I'm going to let your mouth now, so please don't scream. I imagine the last thing you want at 4 am, is Kugisaki's wrath,"
The thing touching his shoulder was Fushiguro. That made sense.
"Fushiguro, what are you doing up this late," or early Yuuji wasn't sure.
"I woke up to drink some water when I saw you standing here. I wanted to make sure you are fine. Which now that I see you isn't the case."
"You always know what's wrong, Fushiguro," Yuuji sighed.
"Or you are bad at hiding what you feel."
Yuuji wasn't bad at it. If he was, he would have gotten caught earlier for his behavior. He merely didn't see Fushiguro while he had his guard down.
"I told you why I'm up. Why don't you tell me your excuse."
"I wanted to get some fresh air." He said as convincing as he could.
"That's not the entire truth, is it."
"What are you talking about," If lying didn't work, he would play dumb.
"You know very well what I'm talking about. Look, Gojo-sensei came before you arrived looking for you."
"Did he tell you?"
"No, but now I understand why he was looking for you."
"Listen, Fushiguro, I-"
"No, you listen to me until I'm finished," Fushiguro said, signaling him to sit on the couch.
"Okay," Yuuji said, sitting on the couch.
"I'll start by saying this. I'm not one to judge what you did, I'm sure you have your reasons, and I don't want to butt in while you definitely don't want me to."
"That's new," Yuuji whispered.
"And while I know that right now you want to be left up alone, I don't believe that you should be."
Ah, of course. Maybe Fushiguro wasn't different after all.
"Come on, don't look me like this," Fushiguro said, sounding sad that his friend was getting the wrong idea of what he was talking about.
"What I mean is that now is your chance to finally get something other than pity stares from some random counselor."
"How did you know about that?"
"Been there." Fushiguro said, smiling at Yuuji, "But not on your level. I couldn't get over what happened to Tsumiki, so I thought that cutting myself would make me feel better."
"What made you stop?" Yuuji asked, amazed that his friend knew what it was like to go through all this.
"Gojo-sensei. I know it may sound weird, but he helped."
"But, when we were talking, he thought that I was suicidal and I-"
"You aren't yeah, I know this feeling. But remember that Gojo-sensei isn't on your mind, and he has to think every possible scenario."
"Oh, that sounds logical, but I thought, it will be the same as j-"
"Junior high school," Fushiguro said, finishing Itadori's words.
"So sensei told you."
"I also heard the rumors."
"About that-"
"I don't want to hear anything that happened in the past."
Yuuji remained silent. All this new information was too much, but he was happy that someone understood him.
"And just so you know, if Gojo-sensei wanted to find you, he would already have. He simply doesn't want to push this subject with you freaking out again."
"I guess I really overreacted when we were talking."
"So I heard."
"Do you think I need to find sensei?"
"Yes, but not now. I think you should rest for a while."
"Oh, you are right," Yuuji said, but when he tried to get up, Fushiguro didn't let him.
"Not in your room, here on the couch so I can see you."
"Fine, whatever you want. But if my back hurts after this, then I'm not going to stop nagging you."
"A small price to pay," Fushiguro said and shrugged.
Yuuji felt like he would get some proper sleep tonight, so he listened to Fushiguro and laid down on the couch.
Slowly, Yuuji closed his eyes. He laid his head on the couch by Fushiguro's leg and didn't say another word as his blinks got more difficult before he fell asleep.
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When Yuuji woke up, Fushiguro reminded him to change to something less bloody before Kugisaki could see him. And that's what Yuuji did. He changed his bloody shirt with a hoodie that both were comfy and hid the bandages in his arms at the same time.
He then went to eat breakfast. He would talk to Gojo-sensei after this. Now he needed to focus on not burning the eggs he is making.
"Better?" Fushiguro asked him, as he walked into the kitchen.
"Much better than yesterday," Yuuji told him, smiling.
He prepared some eggs with beacon for Kugisaki and then left to find Gojo-sensei.
Only to learn that the older man was appointed on a mission and he would return later that day if not tomorrow.
Fushiguro told him that he didn't have to talk to sensei today there was always another chance. But Fushiguro didn't understand that if Yuuji didn't talk to him quickly, he would lose all the courage he had gathered.
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When night came, Yuuji sat on the roof because he figured that if Gojo-sensei wanted to find him, this was the first place he would look.
After twenty minutes, he heard the sound of the door opening. Ah, Gojo-sensei was here.
"Yuuji?" Gojo-sensei said, probably standing over by the door.
Yuuji turned around and spotted Gojo-sensei, sitting up against the back of the, now, closed door.
"You are alone on the roof after hours, again," Gojo-sensei said, sounding worried for his student.
"Ah, sorry Gojo-sensei, I'm not going to jump, and I'm not hurt. I had a feeling that you would come up here looking for me, and I was right." Yuuji said, grinning at the older man.
"Okay," Gojo-sensei said, "Why were you waiting for me up here?" he asked.
"I wanted to talk about yesterday's fuss."
"Listen Yuuji. You don't have to talk about anything that makes you uneasy."
"No sensei, I overreacted and I want to apolo-"
"Stop right there. You won't apologize for not wanting to talk about something personal." Gojo-sensei said.
"Fine but, still, I don't mind talking to you about it," Yuuji said, not wanting to sound needy. But he had to talk to his sensei about it. He was his last chance to get help.
"What made you change your mind. Yesterday I searched all Jujutsu Tech trying to find you."
"Fushiguro said that if you wanted to find me, you would have."
"Ah, Megumi talked to you," Gojo-sensei said, scratching his head.
"He also told me about how you helped him get over his difficulty with cutting," Yuuji said, taking a big breath, "Sensei, I want help. Because if I don't then, this might turn worse than it was in Junior High school."
"Yuuji, I'm honored that you found the courage to ask for help. But are you sure you want to entrust all this to me? I mean, if you want Nanami or some else, that's fine. I, simply, want you to know that I'm not your only option."
"Gojo-sensei, I am sure about this. I trust you, and I know that you are the one that I'm feeling more comfortable talking to, about it." Yuuji said with more confidence. He really wanted Gojo-sensei to be the one helping him.
"I happy that you trust me this much Yuuji," Gojo-sensei said, grabbing his arm, "Let's go somewhere warmer to talk. I'll even make hot chocolate. Do you like it, or do you want something else?"
"Hot chocolate sounds good," Yuuji said, smiling.
He knew that this would be a hard experience to get over. But with the help of Gojo-sensei and a friend who knew how he was feeling. He was sure things would be easier.