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The air around him felt too heavy, his lunges were too big in his chest he felt like he’s being chocked.
That would have been a nice way to die.
To spare his mind of thinking to any other reason to stay alive. Because he was so tired, so so tired. and he knows the only solution is to end it all.
He didn’t have anyone to hold him back from what he’s about to do. He didn’t have anything. And it’s going to be so peaceful.
All it will take for him is to move his legs, far from the island, far from everything he didn’t deserve and into the dark ocean.
His jacket and shoes are laying on the sand.
***
He always thought the ocean is beautiful. The color of the blue sky reflecting on the water to draw a glossy clean color. And the salty smell in the air is so relaxing he doesn’t mind to sleep near it. To sleep in it.
And he won’t be forgotten. Because how could you miss someone if you didn’t know about them in the first place? no one will be in pain, no one will grief at his death because no one cares about him. Not even himself.
It’s a ridiculous thought but maybe he could become one with the ocean. Maybe he could be reincarnated as a sea creature, swimming around mindlessly and be someone’s meal. And it’s going to be much better than how he is now.
The ocean doesn’t reflect the blue sky anymore.
Ever since they started the tragedy the sky started to lose its color. Turning into a painful red instead. And it stayed that way, to remind them of their sins. To remind them that they didn’t deserve to live after all of this happen. Because it was their fault. It was his fault too.
And it’s funny, maybe because he pity himself so much, maybe because he’s so desperate, so pathetic. He actually wish the world to remember him with the people who caused the red sky.
And it’s fine. He doesn’t care how he’s going to be remembered. He just doesn’t want to be forgotten.
His bare feet are touching the wet surface of the sand
***
He remembers when he had hope.
It was selfish, it was naive and he wants to laugh.
He was a little hopeful back then. But to his present self it just feel so ridiculously tremendous to even cling to such a thing. To endure for a future which he can control.
A future he will never have.
It was difficult back then. His past self always thought.
But he’s starting to forget the feeling. The struggles he kept to himself are too far to have a grasp at. He’s used to pain, he doesn’t feel anything.
He sometimes have the same dream of asking his past self.
Why was it so hard to take another step to a cliff? Why didn’t you jump from a high building to crush your skull? you didn’t have to stab yourself several times far from your fatal areas just to torture yourself. You could stab yourself in your neck.
He wasn’t fond of guns anyway. That was his response.
Because he tried them before.
His pants are soaked.
***
It feels so easy now.
Ending his own existence that is.
Because he doesn’t have a desire to continue. Because he’s tired of suffering, he’s tired of living.
Sometimes he wish he died with his parents on the plane. He was so alone that time, it was so painful he wanted to choke on his tears and meet them.
He’s starting to forget how painfully it was. Not because he’s sick but simply because he’s numb after all this time.
He never thought of death as an escape that’s what he tells himself. He only wished for a break. And dying was the only way for it.
And he really needed a break, he didn’t want to continue anything anymore because it will never work. It never did.
And he’s so tired.
He can taste the ocean.
***
He thinks he finally had control over something. Even if it was ending him.
He stops and looks behind.
One last time, he wants to capture the beauty of it all. He try to ignore the wreckage, the damage they made. And lie to his own brain, to his own eyes. Because that’s how he wants to capture it. The island his classmates will continue their life on it. Ever so lovely.
He looks ahead of him again, it’s not far. The ending is just in a few seconds.
He looks at the dark ocean once and his vision turns black. He doesn’t fight it when he drowns himself. Like his own body just gave up on living as well. His instincts are long gone.
And it wasn’t suffocating like he thought it would be. It felt peaceful, he somehow felt free under all the pressure.
He was floating.