Work Text:
The library is quiet but for the turn of a page, the crackle of the fire. Caleb and Essek sit in companionable silence, ensconced on each corner of a velvet couch. Their bellies are full of spiced wine and pastries, their cheeks are still sore with drunken laughter. Their minds, however, race to hold on to every last detail of this night: Yasha's attempts at the harp, Jester's hero's feast, Beau's teasing. It is the last night of its kind, it needs to be cherished tightly.
One by one the rest of the Nein had paired off. Beau and Yasha made their yawns and excuses first, then Fjord and Jester. Caleb can hazard a guess at what they wished to do in private. Caduceus and Veth have already had their goodbyes. Caleb wonders if he ought to go to his small friend, reaffirm this strange journey they have taken together, from the very beginning, since they were Nott and Caleb. He wonders if his presence would just be a poor substitute for the family she left in Zadash. Better just to leave it be. Caleb never got to say goodbye, he's not sure he'd be very good at it.
He's not sure why he suddenly feels the urge to break the warm silence, but Caleb finds himself saying, "Any regrets?"
Essek freezes partway through turning a page in his spellbook. "Pardon?"
"Regrets. If we die tomorrow, anything you might regret?"
There is a long sigh before Essek finally responds, "Too many to count, I fear."
Caleb merely hums in agreement. "If the world keeps on turning tomorrow, if this abomination does not come to pass, if we somehow survive, what will you do? Assuage those regrets?"
"If I can. What will you do?"
"Save my country, if I am able. It could be better. I could be better. My biggest regrets, they all come back to that."
Another sigh. "You are a better man than I." Caleb flinches at that.
"You do not understand the full scope of these regrets, Essek. We are not so different you and I."
"In actions, perhaps. But even your regret is so much less selfish than mine." He closes the book, banishes it away to that dunamantic pocket of his. "I regret that I have damaged your trust in me. I regret that I may have lost the few friends I had. I regret that I wasted potential on acts that will come to nothing because I was a fool." When Caleb glances over to the other end of the couch Essek has clamped his eyes shut and one hand is clenched in the folds of his robes. "And yet I cannot regret any of it. Not truly. If none of it had come to pass I would never have met you. All of you. I wouldn't even know how to regret any of it."
When Caleb glances over again he is frozen. Essek has opened his eyes, though his hand is still clutching at fabric, and he stares at Caleb with eyes of silver moonlight. "I am glad to have known you, Caleb Widogast. Regrets and all."
It feels like goodbye.
Caleb was right to suspect he is no good at farewells, if this is what they all feel like. The words. They are too big to fit in his mouth.
In Caleb's stunned silence Essek presses on. "And I am afraid I must ask you to bear my selfishness one last time. There is one regret I must see to tonight." Essek does not move any closer but with their gazes locked as they are he might as well be right next to Caleb. "I regret that I never told you, my betrayal or no, I–" At last Essek looks down, stares at his own clenched hand. "I have loved you for as long as I truly knew what love is. Longer even. It is worth very little, I know, but for whatever it is worth I--I love you."
The only sound Caleb is able to force past his lips is, "Essek."
The drow in question rises from the couch. He still will not meet Caleb's eye again. He floats, something he has not done all night, and attempts to cross in front of the fire. He is fleeing, Caleb realizes. Essek has laid his heart bare and runs from the pain. It should not be left in the open, unprotected, Caleb thinks. His hands are not meant to hold a beating heart. He grabs Essek's hand before he can reach the iris. "Essek, bitte." He is reminded abruptly of that moment in the Lotusden. Only this time Essek does not pull away. He lets himself be pulled back to Caleb, back to the ground.
"I am not worth it. I am not worth anyone's regret, let alone love."
"I have come to understand that worthiness has little to do with love."
There is dread in Caleb's stomach. Nothing good can come of this, surely, of letting this be Essek's goodbye. Love is not a thing that Caleb gets to have, it is not a thing that starts with goodbye, it is not a thing that Caleb can give...
But it is a thing he wants. He wants so badly he can taste it. He wants to love Essek. Wants to be loved. He is heady with the want of it all, stronger than the warmth of the wine. He rocks forward with the weight of this yearning and presses their foreheads together, watches as Essek's eyelids flutter and then shut. They both breathe deep enough to feel it tickle their faces. Caleb slides his arms around Essek. In another life, in another world, they would look like partners at a dance, lovers who had abandoned the steps to rock slowly with the melody.
"Essek," Caleb breathes, less than even a whisper. "It does not have to be a regret." This doesn't have to be goodbye. "Live. Live tomorrow. Both of us. And we will talk, you and I. There is–we have so much to talk about."
Essek tightens his arms around Caleb. "And if we don't? Will you regret it, Caleb?"
Yes. "Just live. Please. Don't give me a reason to regret anything."
Caleb takes Essek's face in his hands as he once did in the belly of the Ball Eater. He presses his lips to Essek's forehead once more, lingers for longer than last time.
"Please." Comes Essek's own whisper. "Please, kiss me. Just once. I–"
That pit of dread in Caleb's stomach tells him to say no. Do not let this become your own regret. Do not offer this closure to a man so desperate for it.
But Caleb is desperate for it himself. The hands cradling Essek's face slip down. One tilts his chin, the other slides to the back of his head, fingers brushing at the undercut that has started to grow out.
"Please."
Caleb breathes once and kisses Essek.
It's eons before they break apart, it is eternity in a moment. It is not enough. Caleb could pour his entire essence into one kiss and it would never be enough. When they are finally breathing their own air once again Caleb finally manages to say. "Live. Please. Don't let this be my regret. I need–We need more time."
Essek let's a hand linger on Caleb's cheek. "I will try not to disappoint. But it is as I said. I am glad to have known you Caleb Widogast."
"And I am glad to know you still, Essek. I will be glad to know you yet. Regrets and all."
It sounds like goodbye. Please don't let it be goodbye.