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Elias was drunk. Jon was too. But Elias was extra drunk. Drunk enough to be affectionate. They had never had a hug that felt so wrong before. The hug was gentle like a cat hug. A hug from a good cat. Like the Admiral. The Admiral was a good cat. Elias would be a bad cat. Too homophobic to be a cat. Absolutely the worst cat. Terrible bastard man. Jon did not recommend. But he was relaxed and super chilled. Chiller than a freezer. Chillest of the chill. They vibed with it. But only a little. Only because Elias was paying for drinks. Jon never thought they would have done shots with their creepy boss but it was fun! Especially because Martin was there. Pretty Martin. Extra pretty whilst drunk. Jon was dumb gay. Alcohol didn’t help. Were they a lightweight? Might have been a light weight.
Drinks became more drinks which became more drinks then ever more drinks. Lots of booze meant a very drunk archivist, very drink assistants, and super drunk evil twink boss. So hometime happened. Sleep off hangover and regret mistakes. But Elias was too gone to get home alone and none of them knew where he lived because they were too gay to care. Jon got the short straw because being the Archivist makes them a little bitch boi. They regretted it as soon as they were alone with him. Drunk ELias liked to sing. Drunk Elias was BAd at singing. Just the worst. Out of tune but every word held p a s s i o n.
“INSERT EYE OF ELIAS LYRICS HERE BECAUSE JOeY IS TOO FUCKING TiPSY TO REMEMBR ThREEEM”
THen Elias started talking about Peter Lukas who they were pretty sure was STar Wars man but might have been wrong. Oh. Theyw were wrong. He was Elias’s ex-husband. Still a bitch then but didn;t make a galaxy far far away. Theyw ere mildly disappointed. Deep down, they wanted to fight the Star Was man. Jon had never been in a fight before but it seemed like a good idea. Han Solon was a shitty space pirate. Jon had been a good one. Or was that a band? It had Been Fun. They missed having fun. Was this fun? This was fun. Martin had been there. Martin would be a better husband than Peter or Mr Wars. Maybe Tim too. Tim was pretty. Probably smooched good too. Jon would have to test that theory. Like MythBusters but with homo. The homo was important. Especially when it came to Tim and Martin. Jon wasn’t sure when they stopped listening to Elias talking about his ex but they didn’t mind. They were having Gay Thoughts TM and that was More Important. Fuck Elias being a homophobic gay. Jon was a pro homo pan! It was their right to y e a r n. Especially for pretty men. Definitely for pretty men. They wished they were with pretty men. Not Elias. Elias was a twink but shitty. Not Pretty Man. At all. Peter probably had bad taste. Then Elias started talking about Peter feeling lonely. No one should be lonely. Maybe he wanted a hug? A bad cat hug from Elias so Jon didn’t have to have one. That seemed like a Good Idea. Maybe Jon would mention it….How did they use words again? Did they speak? DId abyone? But Elias was talking so speech clearly worked. Jon would work it out. They were smart Jon Jarchivist! The Archivist man with no plan and gay thoughts, Better thoughts that Elias.
“....Gay?” FInally! A word! A singular speech! Wonderful! Effervescent! They could still do that
Elias nodded sagely at that, clearly understand the Homo. “Gay.” He agrred sadly. “Be gay with husband but husband is a lonely Bitch. Money Man loves his boat more than me. Is he gay for his boat? Does he love it more than me? Will he marry it? WILL HE, JON?!” Jon didn’t answer. Was the no-tStar Wars man a boatfucker? Good for him? Then Elias started singing again and Jon became 100% regretti spaghetti. Maybe they should have drunkmore. Elias was easier to deal with drink.
Then Jon thought about Martin. If they got together, would Martin leave them for a boat? What kind of boat would it be? A kayak? A canoe? A rowbeat? A ship even? Would Martin leave them for a sexy yacht? Many words and thoughts went through their mind. What it be an expensive yacht? A rental? Would it treat Martin well? Would Jon have to fight the yacht for Martin’s honor? Would Tim help them? But Jon remembered Tim liked kayaking? Was...Was Tim in love with a kayak? How could Jon possibly compete? They were human. Not boat. Would they have have a boyfriend if they were Mx. Boatperson? Jonny McBoatface? So many questions that left them with Distress. It seemed like they gave Elias distress to? Were they speaking outloud? Or was Elias a wizard? He might have been a wizard. Would explain why he loved a boatfucker. Maybe he had a cat as a wizard pet. It would explain why he was such a Bad One. Everything made clear sense to them.
Things Happened. Elias slept on Jon’s sofa. Neither talked about. Elias didn’t have hangover because Eye Uwu. Jon does. THey’re not happy he’s there. But they have pub quiz money and painkillers eo everything was Gucci.