Work Text:
"How much do you love me?"
Judy asks it teasingly, casually, as they're washing dishes one night after dinner, and Jen knows it's the kind of hypothetical that's about to be followed up by a favor.
Still, that doesn't change the way it makes Jen's heart jolt a little, the way it makes her really think about it for a split second, counteracting all the energy she uses daily on not thinking about that specific question. It lives deep in her subconscious, where other existential questions like "what is the meaning of life?" and "can it really be so easy to get away with murder?" are buried, never to see the light of day.
So Jen takes a beat, keeps drying off the plate in her hands, pushes down the flicker of real feeling that's bubbled up, and finally meets Judy's eyes. She quirks an eyebrow. "This feels like a trick question."
Judy laughs, handing Jen another freshly washed plate. "Definitely not a trick. Just something I wanted fresh in your mind when I ask you to do something you won't want to do."
"Oh, God," Jen groans, already dreading what's coming, "Didn't we already establish that it'd be better for you to go to the next crystal convention solo? After what happened last time, would you even want to be seen with me?"
Judy's expression turns serious. "Okay, first of all, it was a Body Mind Spirit Expo, not a 'crystal convention-'"
"Semantics."
"-and it was made clear to me you weren't welcome back."
Indignation is rising in Jen's throat- that bitch deserved to have a crystal thrown at her- but Judy's grinning now, and she can't help but grin back. "Okay. Fine. What am I going to regret agreeing to do this time, then?"
Judy's smile falters and she looks down, "So, there's this work thing... Angela is moving and we're throwing her a good-bye party next Friday."
"Oh, bummer, I know how much you like her!" The dishes are done, and Jen goes to grab a bottle of wine and two glasses, Judy moving in sync with her, Friday night routine firmly established, both sitting down at the bar to keep talking.
"Yeah, she's excited about it though, so I'm happy for her. Anyway, there's this new guy, Mark, he started a few weeks ago, he's a physical therapist. He's asked me out a couple of times, and I turned him down, but he seems like the type that's not going to give up easily-"
Jen instantly feels her hackles raising, point of the conversation forgotten, "Ew, Judy, is he harassing you?!?"
Judy's eyes widen as she takes a sip of wine, shaking her head. "No! No. It's not like that. He's really nice, and funny, and has been respectful-"
"Is he ugly?" Jen blurts, ever tactful.
Judy scrunches her nose a little, in the adorable way she does, "No, he's actually kind of hot."
"Well, then why not go out with him?" Jen's curiosity is rising, she's curious if there's a reason, a reason other than Judy's still-too-fresh memory of burying her ex-fiance, or the lingering sting of her most recent relationship ending by being ghosted.
Judy shrugs, "I dunno, I'm trying a new thing where I don't immediately fall into something with anyone who shows a slight interest in me. Plus, work environments can get really awkward if things don't go well." She hesitates briefly before smiling at Jen. "And life is pretty good right now, pretty full, I guess I'm happy and don't feel the desire to date at the moment."
Jen feels something bloom in her chest, something like happiness, like relief, but she just nods. "Okay then, that makes sense."
"But I want to be friendly with him at work, and didn't want to hurt his feelings, so, I... I, um..." Judy looks nervous now, and Jen remembers this is going to end with a favor being asked of her, curiosity piqued again.
"Spit it out, Jude!"
Judy meets her gaze, her words coming out with a slight grimace. "I told him that I live with my girlfriend."
Jen feels her mouth drop open and a blush spread on her cheeks. Not much surprises her, but somehow she wasn't expecting that. "Oooohhh..."
"And then he asked if you- um, if my girlfriend was coming to the party and said he wanted to meet you- her- and I think people will probably be bringing their spouses or whatever so it might seem weird if you didn't come? And he'd think I was lying? So I panicked and said yes," She's speaking in a rush now, the way she always does when she's nervous, and though Jen is still processing what's happening, she's also struck by how cute it is. "It's totally not a big deal but I was hoping you could come with me, and then he'd meet you and I'm sure it'd die down-"
Jen reaches out to touch Judy's arm, smiling at her reassuringly, "Judy. Take a breath. It's fine. Of course I can come with you."
A relieved grin breaks out on Judy's face. "Yeah? Are you sure? I'm so sorry-"
"Oh please. Don't apologize. I've done far crazier things to get men to leave me alone."
"You're the best!" Judy exclaims, grateful. "It shouldn't be too bad. It will be fun, and all you have to do is pretend you find me attractive," she says with a wink.
Laughter immediately bursts out of Jen, at the absolute absurdity of that statement, at the absurdity that anyone with the gift of eyesight would have to pretend to find Judy Hale attractive. She's having trouble controlling her laughter and Judy quirks an eyebrow at her, smiling but quizzical. Jen pulls it together. "Sorry. Yeah, Jude, I'll try to take some acting classes in the next week."
Judy gives her a playful shove on the shoulder, and it's all fun, all light-hearted, but Jen feels a sense of unease creeping in, and she knows when she's alone with her thoughts she'll be asking herself if this is a good idea.
The truth is, she has to think way, way back- almost to when they first met- to remember a time she wasn't doing some level of pretending with Judy.
*
Jen had never been great with the whole close female friendship thing. For a litany of reasons: competitive nature in dance growing up, closing herself off from everyone emotionally after her mom died, etc, etc. Still, she'd had enough friends to know what she and Judy shared was different.
The beginning of their friendship had felt almost like a courtship, and at the time, Jen didn't question it. It was the first thing that had given her joy, other than her boys, in a very long time, and when she thanked Judy for coming into her life that night on the beach, she was almost overwhelmed with how much she meant it. She felt something special, the beginning of something deep. Although she wasn't ready for a romantic relationship so soon after Ted, and had never even had one with a woman before, there was a flicker, a flicker of something- something that told her that's where this was headed. For once in her life, she didn't overthink it, didn't deny herself, just let herself go with the flow and experience something that felt real.
It all changed the night she went to (what she thought was) Judy's house. She'd felt something akin to first date jitters when she got out of her car, Entenmann's cookies under her arm like it was a bouquet of flowers, ready to present as a symbol, as an "I think you're pretty and I like you." She found that she missed Judy, missed her whenever they weren't together, and a nervous anticipation filled her as she waited at the door.
Nothing can describe what she felt when it opened, "You're Steve" falling disbelievingly from her lips. Dead Steve. Alive. The pain and rage that came after could only be described as heartbreak.
Even after there were apologies, and forgiveness, and inviting Judy into her home, that's when the pretending started for Jen. Especially when it was clear Judy wasn't done with Steve, couldn't stop fucking him, Jen knew whatever she thought she'd felt other than friendship wasn't really there, at least not mutually. And that was okay. The friendship Judy offered her was plenty; it was true.
Still. There were times those feelings flared up, as hard as Jen fought for them not to. The closest she came to risking it all was on one of the worst nights of her life, right up there with the night Ted died: the night she and Judy confronted Bambi, the night Jen found out Ted had not only been having a very long term affair, but that he'd "killed" her. Ted made her feel undesired and unloved while he was alive; Ted was making her feel undesirable and unlovable even when he was dead. Not only that, Judy was thinking of moving back in with Steve, Judy was thinking of leaving... Judy looked so beautiful that night. Judy didn't want her, either.
The night improved after she got to break up with Steve for Judy; it felt good to be able to tell one of the assholes off, and she could breathe easier knowing she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of Judy moving out. Then they'd gotten home, and gotten tipsy, not sloppy, not drunk enough to be unaware, but just on the right side of wasted. They were draped over each other on the outdoor couch, and in a break in the conversation, after their second bottle of wine, for some reason Jen's attention went to her left hand, to the weight on her ring finger that suddenly felt unbearable. So she took off her wedding ring, put it in her palm, studied it. Judy looked down from her perch on Jen's shoulder as Jen spoke. "Up until now I couldn't stand the thought of taking this off. Now I know what an absolute crock of shit it is. What a stupid fucking symbol."
"I dunno," Judy mumbled as she gently rubbed her thumb on Jen's palm, circled around where the ring was resting. "I like the symbol of it, theoretically."
Jen tried to focus, with foggy drunk brain, on Judy's words and not the way she was making her skin tingle. "Aren't all symbols theoretical?"
Judy stopped what she was doing and shifted up off of Jen, looked her in the eyes like she'd just said the most ground-breaking thing Judy had ever heard. "Oh my God. You're right." It didn't make a damn bit of sense, but they'd started laughing, and couldn't stop, and Jen knew there was no one else in the world who could have made her feel better that night. When they stopped laughing, Judy took off her own engagement ring, and placed it in her palm, studied it the way Jen had studied hers. "Wanna know something funny?"
"Of course."
"Steve didn't like that I wore so many other rings. He thought it was tacky, and that it took away from the importance of this ring." (Looking back on it, it's kind of ironic how much Jen felt the urge to physically hurt Steve when she heard that. Before she'd been able to speak through her anger to reply, Judy kept going.) "Anyway, I should have taken it off a long time ago. I should have ended things with him long before..." She'd paused to fight back tears, "...long before any of the really bad stuff happened."
"FUCK him!" Jen spat. "Fuck both of them, and the rings they rode in on."
Judy giggled, and it warmed Jen's heart to hear, after she'd been close to crying a moment before. "I don't think that's the saying, though the sentiment is there."
"Whatever. Close enough. Point being, we should keep these off. A theoretical symbol, if you will."
"You're right. What should we do with them? I've heard of some rituals-"
Jen had cut Judy off before she could get deep in the woo-woo shit. "As fun as that sounds, I'd rather throw them in the ocean."
They'd laughed, and thought about it, and Jen kind of loved the idea- going back to the spot on the beach where they'd smoked, walking to the edge of the water with Judy, counting to three, the symbolism would be off the charts. Ultimately, they decided that would be really fucking stupid, financially speaking, that someday they might want, or need, to sell the rings. So they went to the guest house to lock them in the safe instead. (Jen admitted she did know the combination, then joked for Judy not to worry, the gun would stay put in there unless someone made her mad enough. Another irony to look back on.) After, they sat on the bed, shoulder to shoulder, and Judy had taken Jen's hand, clasped it in hers, leaned her head against her shoulder. "Thank you."
"For what?" Jen asked softly.
"I wouldn't have been brave enough to do that without you. Maybe it's stupid, but... I worry no one else will ever want me like that again, even if it wasn't perfect and it didn't work out. I guess that's something else I can work on at the grief retreat... work on being alone."
It was exactly how Jen had felt, too, and she had so much she wanted to say, but knew she couldn't, knew she shouldn't. She looked down at their hands, squeezed. "Jude?"
Judy looked up at her. "Yeah?"
Jen held her eyes. "I love your rings."
The smile she got in return was blinding, took her breath away a little, and reason flew out the window for a millisecond where Jen almost leaned in, she almost kissed her, but luckily she stopped herself, buzz worn off enough for sense to kick in, jumped up instead, told Judy she was tired and headed to bed.
She made sure to never let anything like that happen again.
Then there was Judy's admission about Ted, and then Steve actually was dead, and things got so shitty and complicated that pushing down her feelings for Judy became the least of Jen's worries. Now, with life calmed down, months removed from fear of going to jail, and recovery from a car accident caused by a still-unknown perpetrator, and worry that Judy would decide she actually hadn't forgiven her for Steve and bolt, Jen is happy. She's settled into some kind of platonic domestic situation with the best friend she's ever had, the most important person in her life other than Charlie and Henry, and she doesn't even think about the possibility of more.
Really.
("How much do you love me?")
*
It's a busy week, and when Jen gets home Friday afternoon from a showing and picking the boys up from school, she realizes she has to get ready for a party she knows nothing about. Other than the fact she's going to be presented as Judy's girlfriend. Which she definitely hasn't been giving much thought to. At all.
Judy's car is there, so as Charlie and Henry settle onto the couch to play a video game, Jen heads to the guest house to ask about the details of the party.
"Jude?" Jen calls as she knocks on the door.
"Come in!"
Jen does, and the first thing she sees is skin. The smooth, creamy skin of Judy's back. And ass. So much skin, interrupted only by a bra and the thin straps of a thong, it appears to be red lace, and Judy turns around, smiles brightly, "Hi!", and yep, it's red lace, there it is, cupping her perfect breasts.
"Um," Jen manages, she's stuck in the doorway, mouth agape, staring, warmth has flooded her body and a bolt of desire is shooting through her and her eyes are roaming Judy and she's got to pull it together but, Jesus Christ.
Judy just smirks as she grabs a pair of jeans, looks down, then back up at Jen, waggles her eyebrows suggestively. "Like what you see?"
Jen snaps her eyes up to Judy's face, wills herself to keep them there. Judy's always flirted with her, so this is totally normal, it's just never happened when she had this little clothing on. Jen takes a deep breath and hopes her face isn't as red as it feels, tries to play it cool, raises an eyebrow. "Well, I'd better. You're my girlfriend, right?"
Judy grins, "Lucky me."
She's joking, Jen knows, and forces out a laugh. "So, what kind of party is this?" It's kind of weird that Judy would be wearing jeans, something she hardly ever does.
"Well, Angela likes to go bowling... so we're actually doing that. But it's the new place that just opened, it's supposed to be really nice with an awesome bar area so we totally don't even have to bowl! I know it might not be the best for your back," Judy looks apologetic as she slips on a shirt, purple and yellow striped, fitted.
Jen shakes her head, "That actually sounds really fun. I'll have you know your girlfriend used to be an avid bowler back in the day. And the physical therapy has really done wonders for my back, I'll take it easy to make sure but I should be good."
"Okay! Great."
"When do we need to leave?"
"Oh," Judy grabs her phone from the bed, checks the time as she sits down, "about an hour?"
Jen nods, "Sounds good." She watches as Judy slips on socks and a pair of purple converse shoes. "I don't think I've ever seen you dressed so casually," she observes out loud.
Judy looks up with a smile, "Not the hot date you were expecting?"
"No, you look," Jen falters, 'sexy as fuck, especially since I know what's underneath and won't be able to get it out of my mind' doesn't seem appropriate, so she settles on a completely underwhelming, "great."
"Aww, thanks baby," Judy practically croons, really laying it on thick already. Jen has to steel herself for what's to come, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
"Okay, well I'll go get ready then," she replies, too stiff, she can hear it, but walks back outside in a hurry before Judy responds. She's going to have to figure out how to not act like a big fucking weirdo, and fast.
Jen shakes her head a little as she gets back into the house, trying to clear it. She knows she can't back out now, she doesn't have a good reason to. She can't explain to Judy that she's afraid this will burst Pandora's box wide open, that she'll never be able to close it again.
Jen gets ready quickly, touches up her hair and makeup, and picks out a casual sleeveless blouse to wear, black jeans and ankle boots. She thinks about putting on sneakers instead, but decides the boots will look better and she'll get the super fashionable bowling shoes for when they bowl.
When she gets downstairs, Judy is nestled between the boys on the couch, deep in concentration at whatever game she and Charlie are currently battling on, Henry cheering, "Go, Judy!"
"Oh thanks for the brotherly love, Henry!" Charlie mutters, fiddling furiously with the buttons on the controller. Jen just stands to watch, full of joy; it's a feeling she's grown accustomed to lately. All of a sudden, a flurry of motion and noise:
"Yeah!!!" Henry whoops and claps.
"Wooooo, take THAT!" Judy hollers, jabbing a finger at Charlie, who tosses down the controller on the couch, (mostly) good-naturedly, with a loud groan. "You owe me five bucks!"
"Ugh," Charlie notices Jen. "Mom, can I borrow five bucks?"
"No way, dude."
Judy looks up at her, eyes twinkling. "You look gorgeous!"
Jen feels a momentary panic, looking at the boys, she hadn't felt the need to tell them she was going to be Judy's fake girlfriend for the evening. But they're scrambling to play each other in the next round, don't even blink, and Jen realizes it's because that's the kind of thing Judy says to her all the time, that it's totally normal. So she takes a breath and smiles back at Judy. "Thanks." Maybe it's in her mind, but she feels like they hold their eye contact just a couple of seconds longer than usual, but then Judy's up off the couch and they're out the door, Jen telling the boys pizza's on the way and to behave themselves, they'll be home later. They respond with a half-hearted goodbye, eyes never leaving the TV.
The drive is short, and Judy's filling her in on a few co-workers, specifically the extra chatty older woman, Brenda, who she knows Jen won't want to get stuck alone with. A sudden thought strikes Jen. "Jude, we didn't talk about how we met or anything like that!"
Judy looks over at her, confused. "What do you mean?"
"Don't we need some story to tell people? If they ask how we met?"
Realization comes over Judy's face and she smiles, "Jen, they've heard about you. They know I've lived with you for awhile, it's not like this is a completely fabricated relationship. I mean, other than leaving out the criminal activity... there's nothing we actually have to lie about."
She's right, and Jen nods, thinking. To any reasonable outsider looking in, it would appear that she and Judy were in an actual relationship. There's not time to ponder that further, because then they've arrived, and a couple of people are already waving at Judy as they get parked and out of the car. It's natural, the way Judy sidles up next to her, so Jen puts her arm around her shoulders, and Judy wraps hers around Jen's waist. With their shoe selection, there's a few inches of a height difference, and Jen feels Judy's hair tickling her cheek.
It doesn't feel fake. It feels perfect.
Pandora's box is shaking. The tape that's been so precariously holding it shut is starting to tear.
*
Introductions start as soon as they're inside, waiting in line to rent bowling shoes. The people who walk in at the same time are Paula, a co-worker of Judy's (chef in the kitchen), and her husband Barry, very nice people. Jen notices that Judy simply introduces her as "Jen," and feels stupid at the pang of disappointment that jolts her chest. It's definitely stupid, because she and Judy are now holding hands. The message is still clear. 'The fake message,' Jen reminds herself.
After they all laugh about the ugly shoes they now have to wear ("We'll have to have a 'who wore it best poll!' Paula jokes), they're ushered to a far corner of the bowling alley, near the bar, where two lanes are roped off for the private party. There's food set up so she and Judy each grab a plate, and Jen lets herself be dragged along and introduced to whoever Judy stops to chat with. When they find Angela, Jen doesn't even mind being grabbed for a hug. "It's so nice to finally meet you! Thanks for coming!"
"You too. I'm sorry we're just now meeting when you're about to be moving. You've been so great to Judy, thank you."
Judy beams at her, and Jen is proud of herself for making her happy. When there's a lull in meeting people, Jen leans in close to Judy's ear. "Care for a drink?"
"Yes please!" Judy smiles, so Jen hands off her plate and heads to the bar.
Jen orders five shots of whiskey (two for her and Judy, three for whoever else gets there first), and a pitcher of beer. While she waits, she looks back at Judy. She watches her move easily among the group, smiling and laughing. She's so beautiful. Then a man they hadn't seen yet comes up to her, taps her on the shoulder, and they hug. When he steps back, Jen gets a better look at him, and he's very attractive; this must be the man Judy told her about, Mark. The jealousy that settles into her gut shocks her, and seeing the way Judy smiles at him makes her want to puke. She takes a deep breath- that's just Judy, she smiles at everyone. 'Or she's regretting turning him down and already planning your fake break-up,' Jen's brain tells her. Why wouldn't she want to go out with this guy, if he's not a creep? But then Judy steps further away from him, and after he says something, Judy turns and points to Jen, smiles even bigger and waves. Jen musters a smile and waves back.
A couple of minutes later, Jen is carrying the tray of drinks back over, as everyone begins splitting into the two lanes to bowl. Mark ever so gallantly takes the tray from her and sets it down on a table. "Damn, all that for you?" He asks with a smile.
"Ha!" Jen laughs, "No, I'm good at sharing." Then she wraps her arm around Judy. "Some things, at least." She looks at Judy and sees that she's fighting back a smile. Jen sticks out her free hand to Mark, "Hi, I'm Jen."
He takes her hand to shake it, "Very nice to meet you, Jen. I've heard a lot about you!"
"Me too," she tries to keep from smirking, then grabs two shots, handing one to Judy and one to Mark before taking one for herself. "Shall we?" They do, and as the alcohol starts flowing and bowling starts, Jen finds herself at ease, having a really good time. Mark is really nice and funny, and everyone else is fun, too.
Jen soon discovers, after her first turn, that Judy is absolutely fucking terrible at bowling. The ball goes directly into the gutter, both times, and Judy just giggles and shrugs, clearly it doesn't bother her, but what kind of girlfriend would Jen be if she didn't help her learn?
It's straight out of a rom-com, Jen up there with Judy at her next turn, front pressed against Judy's back, arm cradling hers, trying to teach her the proper technique. "See, bring it back like this," Jen shows her, and she doesn't miss the way Judy shivers a bit when she talks so close to her ear. She can't help but kiss her cheek before pulling back. Maybe she's toeing the line a little too closely, but she doesn't care. The grin and blush that appear on Judy's face tell Jen it's okay. Maybe it's welcomed.
Jen steps back, grabs her beer to take a drink while watching Judy. Her form looks better, but the ball still veers into the gutter as it nears the pins. Judy looks disappointed now, giving Jen a frown. Jen gives her a thumbs up and mimes the motion with her arm again. "You've got this, baby!" Comes out of her without even thinking about it. Judy's face brightens as the rest of the group in their lane cheers her on. This time, the ball knocks over three pins, and Judy's so excited, you'd think she'd hit three strikes in a row. She runs back to Jen and crashes into her, hugging her tight, and Jen manages to not spill beer on her when she squeezes her back. "Great job!"
"Thanks," Judy responds, and this time she's the one to give Jen a kiss on the cheek. Jen still feels it, the imprint of Judy's lips, long after.
Over the next couple of hours, they play two full games, drinking and chatting and only leaving each other's sides for their turns to bowl. Near the end of the second game, a cake is brought out for Angela, and pieces are passed around as she gives a tearful goodbye speech. Jen sees Judy's eyes tear up, and she grabs her hand and squeezes, doesn't let go. It's wonderful to see this, Judy with other people who care about her, who seem to understand how special she is.
When the cake is finished and the bowling is wrapping up, Jen's watching Judy take her final turn, impressed by her improvement when Mark sits down next to her. "You train her a little more, she might be able to compete in the World Bowling Championship."
Jen laughs, "I don't know if I'm that good. Maybe if they let her compete with bumpers."
His laughter joins hers, then, "I hope I'm not out of bounds when I say, you're very lucky. You make a great couple."
Jen looks at him, surprised by how genuine he sounds. "You're not. And I know I am." She has to swallow down sudden emotion at the truth of it.
"I can tell how devoted she is to you. Once she told me she wasn't single I knew I didn't have a shot, but a couple of times since I've been there a group of us go out for drinks and she always turns us down. Wants to get home to you and the boys."
Something fills Jen's chest then, some combination of love, of longing, of hope. Judy looks over at her, after her first ball knocks down five pins, and blows her a kiss.
("How much do you love me?")
Jen has never in her life felt happy, felt flat-out ecstatic, at realizing she's a huge fucking idiot.
*
When they leave, after making the rounds and saying goodbye, they walk out exactly how they came in, but Jen pulls Judy even closer to her this time, flush against her side. She doesn't ever want her to be anywhere else. She walks Judy to the passenger side door, but when Judy goes to open it, Jen pushes it shut, left palm flat against the car. When Judy turns to her, confused, Jen places her right palm on the other side of Judy, effectively caging her in. Jen's not sure where the confidence has come from, the alcohol is helping for sure, but it's more than that- something about being confronted with what's been right in front of her face for so long is fueling her. She keeps her elbows straight, she's not standing too close, can still play this off if she needs to. There's shock on Judy's face, but also a whole lot of other things, and Jen knows immediately she hasn't misread.
"No one's around to see us." Judy's breath is uneven, chest rising and falling more rapidly than usual.
"Nope." Jen inches a bit closer.
"You don't have to pretend anymore, you know." There's hope in her eyes, Jen can see it so clearly now.
"Oh, I know." And Jen leans in, and she's never experienced something as real as what comes next. The little gasp of surprise that falls from Judy's mouth before their lips meet, Judy's tasting so incredibly sweet. How Judy immediately increases the pressure, immediately grips Jen's hips and pulls Jen tight against her. Judy's soft hair tangled in Jen's hands, Judy's fingers now on Jen's neck, thumb stroking, so gentle. Judy's mouth opening and Jen's doing the same, tongues meeting with a simultaneous groan, a feeling so overwhelming Jen has to push Judy further into the car, lean into her to stay on her feet. Now they're full-on making out, in a bowling alley parking lot, and the only reason Jen pulls back is to take a breath, and look in Judy's eyes, to see something like absolute wonder there, and to finish her thought, to mumble against Judy's lips:
"Fucking finally."