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Merlin could be pushed far. He was willing to put up with a lot.
But he had been yelled at all day long while he had tried his absolute best to protect the king and the kingdom from these bandits, and quite frankly, he’d had enough.
He tried to block out the yelling, but it was Arthur, and his heart was always treacherous when it came to him. He wanted Arthur to like him, wanted Arthur to appreciate and see the effort he was making to protect Camelot, but all he ever seemed to get in thanks was more yelling. Still, he tried. And he tried. And tried again.
“The renegade camp…” he said, trying to focus on the voice of Mordred in his head while his prattish Master was telling him off behind him. Suddenly, he managed to focus on where the voices were coming from, and looked at a path off the main road. “It’s that way.”
Arthur looked at him in his usual manner, like Merlin was an idiot and Arthur was a genius. There wasn’t much Merlin disliked about Arthur, but this had to be at the top of his list. If only Arthur knew what Merlin knew.
“And you know this, because…?”
“I know it, because…” He couldn’t very well tell the truth now, could he? That he had been hearing Mordred in his head because he was a bloody sorcerer? His head would probably be on a stake right by the door to Arthur’s chambers. But he had endured so much screaming the entire day, and he hadn’t slept well that night, so his mind was coming up empty with a proper response. “Because of…”
Arthur shook his head, rolling his eyes in covered anger and sighed. “I give up.”
That’s when Merlin felt something snapping inside of him. He barely allowed himself time to take in a deep breath and think things through properly. He forgot all about destiny, and about Albion, and even about the fact that he really quite enjoyed his job as Arthur’s manservant.
Screw it all.
“So do I. I’m going back.”
Arthur whipped his head around so forcefully, Merlin was certain that he had pulled a muscle. “Excuse me?”
“You don’t need me here, I’m only a bother. I’m trying my best to help you but you won’t let me. So, I think I will be of more use back at the castle. I’ll do your laundry, or whatever chore you desire me to do.”
Merlin didn’t give Arthur time to shoot back a response, knowing he wouldn’t like it anyway, seeing as Arthur had insulted him the entire day. He climbed his horse and turned him around, watching as the knights that had accompanied them looked at the scene in front of them with shock and a bit of confusion.
“Merlin! You can’t just leave!”
“Watch me!”
The shock in the other knights quickly turned into amusement, and Merlin could clearly hear Arthur protesting behind him. Merlin took in a deep breath and squared his shoulders.
“If you leave, you’re fired, Merlin!”
“Too late, I quit.”
And he actually left. Pulled the leash on his horse so he knew to run, and left.
He should have done this ages ago.
~...~
Gaius’s face as Merlin strode into the physician’s quarters after returning to the castle all by himself was a picture. The reality of what Merlin had done hadn’t quite sunk in yet, even to himself, and he knew he would be suffering some consequences later on. But, for the moment, he liked the idea of having finally stood up for himself.
Of course, Arthur didn’t see it that way.
He returned an hour or so after Merlin had, furious, and with a significant amount of the knights missing. Merlin’s stomach dropped at that realization, and wondered if he could have done anything to prevent these deaths - but he had a feeling he couldn’t, he wasn’t a fighter, and if he had actually done something about it, his magic would have been revealed. He would be in even bigger trouble than he already was.
Arthur slammed the door open so hard, Merlin was certain it had come off its hinges. Merlin looked at Gaius, who in his turn looked at the prince with that permanent raised eyebrow of his.
“Merlin, you absolute idiot!” There were more insults that were thrown Merlin’s way but if today had told him anything, it was that he was actually rather good in tuning out the insults - well, except for that moment when he hadn’t been.
Gaius picked up the book he had been reading and calmly walked out of the room, closing the door behind him quietly.
“Arthur. Is there anything you need from me?”
Merlin was certain that Arthur’s head would explode out of anger.
“I have never, in my entire life, been as disrespected by anyone as I have been today, Merlin. Your behavior was atrocious and hideous and I demand an apology.”
Merlin had been handling a vial, and acutely dropped it at hearing what Arthur said. He lifted his head slowly and stared at him.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m your master, and you disre-”
“Yes, I heard you, Arthur. You want me to apologize to you ? For what? For standing up for myself? The entire day, I have moved heaven and earth to try and keep this kingdom safe, from a force I didn’t understand but knew to be malicious. If only you knew, Arthur, how much I have worked all day long to keep everybody safe! And what is the thanks I get? I got yelled at and insulted the entire day . I’ve had it, Arthur Pendragon. I enjoy being your manservant, I enjoy taking care of you like that, but I cannot keep doing it if you keep treating me like this. I’m a human being too, and I’m so much smarter than you think I am.”
Arthur simply stared at him throughout Merlin’s entire monologue, and Merlin had to try very hard not to air all of his grievances, because as much as he believed that he hadn’t actually done anything to warrant a death sentence yet, he didn’t want to push it.
“So no, Arthur. I won’t apologize to you. If anything, you should be apologizing to me .”
Merlin shut up then, continued the work he had been doing before Arthur had stormed in, and didn’t look at Arthur, not even when the blond left the quarters without another word - but he didn’t slam the door shut.
Merlin wallowed in his thoughts, and suddenly regretted having voiced them.
Arthur might be an absolute prat most days, but he was still Merlin’s friend, and he cared about him. The idea that his absence from their trip today might have endangered Arthur in any way still gnawed at him.
He couldn’t put it out of his head. And before he knew it, he was back in his old ways, worrying about Arthur and his safety and wanting to do whatever he could to make sure he was alright.
Whatever happened to standing up for himself?
He intercepted the servant that was on his way to Arthur’s chambers, knocking on the door and quietly walking inside.
“Leave it on the table,” Arthur murmured, probably not paying much attention to the servant he was expecting to show up. Merlin lingered for a bit, wondering if he really should be here, but right when he had made the decision to leave, Arthur spotted him.
“Merlin? What are you doing here?”
“I, uh…” He straightened his back and stepped further into the room. “I came to apologize, sire. I realize that my actions today endangered you and the knights. It shouldn’t have happened.”
Arthur stared at him, his expression so unreadable, which was a first because as much as Arthur claimed Merlin was so easy to read, he was a children’s book himself, most of the time.
“No, Merlin.” Arthur stood and Merlin took a few steps back. He had really ruined things now, if Arthur wouldn’t even accept his apology. But then, Arthur changed the entire situation by approaching Merlin, his face not set in anger, but in shame. “It is I who has to apologize.”
Merlin blinked at him for a bit, silently. He was sure he had misheard. “Sire?”
“You are right, Merlin. You were right from the start. I know Morgana was hiding something, I just can’t… prove anything yet. But you tried to warn me, and I failed to listen, and for that I apologize.”
Merlin shook his head. Scratch what he had said before; hearing Arthur apologize to him was the weirdest thing he had ever heard, and he was a sorcerer. He wasn’t sure if this was really what he wanted after all.
“I know I can be an arse, sometimes. I don’t mean to, it’s just… I like you, Merlin, and I don’t know how to express affection. But then, this morning… I trusted you, and you made us both look like idiots in Morgana’s chambers, and… I felt like my pride was hurt, in a way.” He shook his head. “I never meant to yell at you the way that I did. I guess I let the pressure that my father puts on me, influence the way I treat you. I don’t want to hurt you, Merlin. I don’t like the idea that I… I made you feel insecure, or stupid. I know you’re not stupid.”
There was too much in this speech to register, everything happened so fast that Merlin’s brain would probably explode on the spot if he allowed it to take everything in. Instead, he decided to focus on the last part of it.
“You never shy away from telling me that I am.”
“I know , and I’m sorry, Merlin. Look, can we just go back to how things were, before all this?”
“You mean, when you called me an idiot instead of stupid?”
Arthur raised an eyebrow in mock annoyance. “I’m considering revoking my apology.”
Merlin smiled, because he felt like their banter was returning, if only a little.
“Does this mean I’m your manservant again?” he asked eventually, when the silence that had stretched between them was becoming too heavy.
“Again? You never stopped being my manservant.”
“You fired me.”
“I did no such thing.”
“I beg to differ, sire.”
Yet before Merlin was able to offer any points of further discussion, the warning bells sounded, and Arthur and Merlin were summoned to the great hall to discover that Alvarr had escaped, and that he’d had help from someone within the castle.
Merlin knew exactly who. Casting a quick glance towards Arthur, he knew the prince thought the same thing.