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The smell of freshly brewed coffee and the hum of indistinct chatter. The sound of bubbling boiling water and the smell of pastries wafting from behind the glass cabinet. If asked later, none of those things would be in Sander’s memory. They would all be considered secondary. An afterthought. It would only be pondered on for a few seconds as, in his mind, it was insignificant. Merely accompanying the main attraction of that place. What that was? The most enrapturing doe eyed boy he had ever laid his eyes on.
He wasn’t doing anything particularly interesting. By the looks of things, he was trying to do some schoolwork. But the older boy couldn’t seem to find anything else a more fascinating sight than him. Everything just made him even more beautiful. The way his soft brown curls fell into his eyes, causing the boy to shake them almost every ten seconds (hence making Sander’s stomach a flurry of butterflies). His brown eyes, too. So deep. So dark. So mysterious. It made the blonde boy want to stare deep into them, locking his gaze and never separating until he uncovered the secrets inside them. All in a very suave and non-creepy way, of course.
The plan that day had been to run in for a quick drink. In and out. Definitely no dawdling – there was no time for that. There was so much coursework to be done and the original plan had been to get it done in one of the private art rooms. There was more space and unlimited materials, a no brainer really. That was until the mystery boy made his appearance. All other arrangements immediately went out the window, leaving only a new plan: Get the Gorgeous Boy Drinking Coffee to Fall in Love with Him.
Any sane person would have tried to at least plan something other than a name. But to Sander, it seemed that was all he really needed. Confidence was something he had on his side and he was determined to utilise it. Not that he was cocky… although that was what some people may have perceived him to be sometimes. He was just trying to make the best of the personality he had.
Once he got his coffee from the barista, he made his way to the table his eyes had been locked on for the past… ten minutes.
“Hey, this place is pretty full. Is it alright if I sit down here?” he asked, while simultaneously completing the action.
The shop was the opposite of packed. Sure, there was a steady stream of customers, but most of them were only there to get a takeaway. Meaning that there was a whole floor full of empty tables just waiting to be occupied.
There was only a moment of silence where the boy looked up in confusion. A small moment, probably only a mere few seconds. Yet to Sander it stretched on for hours. The fear of his early rejection so starkly looming above them like a dark cloud on a stormy night. The threat of it bursting and raining all of its negativity a very possible outcome.
“Sure,” he laughed instead, much to Sander’s relief. “Wouldn’t want to make you stand.”
And if the taller of the two was not already head over heels, that would have been the thing to seal the deal. Beautiful and a sense of humour? They were supposed to be in a coffee shop, but it was looking more like cloud nine.
“I’m Sander, by the way.”
The brunette smiled at him widely, “I’m Robbe.”
It was already a name burned deep into Sander’s mind. Engrained there and not something that would be easily forgotten.
Robbe went back to doing what he was working on. Whatever it was, the keys on his laptop were clacking at an increasingly fast rate. He had to be applauded for the efforts (and Sander nearly did) as others would definitely be distracted by other views in that particular location.
Not wanting to interrupt his workflow, Sander sat there in an almost awkward silence for a little while. It was his own fault that he didn’t have anything to occupy himself with. All his supplies and art were set out on a table, awaiting their use. Obviously, the turn of events had not been planned for, so none of the equipment needed was at the blonde’s disposal. Save for a black ballpoint pen stuffed into his pocket.
Turns out that a napkin is a great alternative for paper.
Said nobody ever.
But Sander made do, scribbling small doodles on the fine piece of material. Being careful and trying to make sure that the pen didn’t go through it. Which would have been all too simple to do. As he was used to the density of harder paper. Cartridge and canvases, it was a challenge to remember the difference in quality.
“What’s that?” a small voice asked from across the table, making Sander startle a little. “Sorry… didn’t mean to scare you.”
He looked up at the smaller boy, eyes glittering as he raised an eyebrow.
“Didn’t you? Seems like you knew full well what you were doing.”
“Mhm, yeah because that’s the thing that I find joy in – making cute guys fall off their chairs in fright.”
Sander shrugged, pushing down the elation bubbling up inside at having Robbe call him cute.
“We’ve only just met. I don’t know what you do for fun.”
Robbe burst out into peals of laughter, his giggles lighting up the entire shop with happiness. It was all Sander could do not to explode with joy due to him being the cause of such a wondrous sound. To be fair, it felt like his heart did a little bit. It was beating so fast that it was close to happening anyway.
“Ok, fair point” he said, still laughing a little under his breath. “but seriously, what’s on the napkin? I’m curious.”
Placing his hand over it in lightning quick speed, the older boy put a serious look on his face.
“Sorry Robbe but that is top secret information. Extremely sensitive and in the wrong hands, fatal. It would be irresponsible of me to just show it to you willingly…”
With that, Robbe’s laptop was snapped shut and he propped his face in his hands, eyes widened with curiosity. And if that wasn’t the cutest look Sander had ever seen.
“Top secret information? Well, now I have to know” he said with confidence. Then, like a little boy begging for candy at a sweet shop he started pouting. “show me, show me, show me!”
His little begging routine was the epitome of cute. There was no way of knowing if he was aware of how adorable he was being, or if that was just his normal personality. Either way, the effect that it was having on Sander was almost too much for him. The way his heart was going, an ambulance would have to be called.
He was only human. Any normal person would have relented to Robbe’s puppy dog eyes, no matter how tough they believed themselves to be. And Sander crumbled almost instantly like a cookie in a glass of milk. Weird analogy, sure, but an accurate one.
“Ok… but you have to promise never to tell another living soul what you saw on this paper.”
“Isn’t it a napkin?”
Sander narrowed my eyes as Robbe laughed, clearly thinking it was hilarious to make fun of him (which, if he found something that funny, there would be no arguments on Sander's part.)
“Semantics.”
He removed his hand in what could only be described as a cinematic level reveal. His fingers wiggling in the air to emphasise his point, kind of like miniature jazz hands.
“That looks so cool!” Robbe exclaimed gleefully, after running his eyes over the quickly scribbled doodles. “You’re really good at them.”
“Thanks” Sander replied, a little bashfully. Of course, he knew that he was good at art – he wouldn’t have been studying it if he wasn’t. But there was just something about having that reassurance from the boy in front of him that really seemed important.
“Is this something you enjoy doing?”
“Yeah, it is! I study it at Uni, so it’s sort of like my stress relief… but it’s also the cause of my stress, if that makes sense?”
Robbe nodded, a look of understanding coming over his face. “I get it. That’s almost the exact feeling I get with filmmaking. I love it, but god if it doesn’t get frustrating sometimes.”
“Ahh, so you’re a film geek then? Good to know…”
He giggled again, the sound quickly becoming Sander’s favourite.
“That’s probably an accurate description to be fair. Yeah, I study it at the University of Antwerp.”
Sander felt his heart skip a beat in his chest. Although it felt like it had stopped completely, the shock setting in once the words hit.
They went to the same University. They studied in the same place. In the same building. For at least a year… and yet fate had decided not to cross their paths until that moment, in a random coffee shop of all places. It was just bizarre. And a little odd that he hadn’t managed to notice the brunette before. Because he was certain that he would have remembered it, had they already met.
“That’s crazy… I go there too!”
The look on Robbe’s face showed his clear confusion “You’re kidding. Small world, huh.”
“Yeah… small world.”
But Sander was glad it was small enough to have made them meet.
***
The thing with the two boys continued for about a month after that first meeting. Both of them having an unspoken agreement to meet back at the coffee shop, exchanging smiles, bad jokes and doodle – covered napkins.
Sander felt like he was walking on air whenever he saw Robbe. The younger boy being able to brighten up his day with just a small smile or a slight look with his kind eyes. The sort that looked almost the exact shade of freshly brewed coffee in certain lights yet in others, swirling pools of honey.
The amount of time spent looking into them was unknown… but it had to have been quite a while. Considering that was one of the main activities the blonde participated in, anyway. It practically rivalled the amount of time he spent drinking coffee there.
Throughout that time, the feelings that had been present in their first meeting had only continued to blossom. Like a bouquet of flowers unfurling themselves in Sander’s chest. An entire field of them growing to show his love.
Not that he had told Robbe anything about it. They had grown as friends, sure. But that was all.
He wasn’t sure what kept him from confessing. It was not normally something that he feared doing. Perhaps it was just because their friendship had become so strong, even in such a short space of time, that he didn’t want to put what they did have in danger. Or maybe it was something else. Something that was buried deep inside of him, gripping on tight and devouring him slowly from the inside. Something that he didn’t want to get its claws into Robbe, too.
“Everything alright?” the smaller boy asked, staring at him over the rim of his cup. “You seem in a daze.”
“Everything is great when I’m with you.” he quipped, earning rolled eyes and a scoff.
“Such a flirt.” Robbe muttered, although judging by the blush on his cheeks and the satisfied smile etched onto his face, he didn’t mind one bit.
That was something Sander was glad of. He could restrain himself from fully revealing everything on his chest but stopping himself from flirting completely was just an unrealistic and practically impossible task.
It wasn’t even like the things he was saying were lies. He truly did feel like everything was better when Robbe was around him. Even if the two of them were just sitting in a comfortable silence, working on their own separate tasks, the atmosphere was just very calming. A very welcome feeling when compared to the faster paced way things were in the art rooms. Hectic artists all rushing around trying to meet deadlines… it was nice to get away from it.
One day in particular was spent doing no work… well, they probably should have been, but it all stayed in their bags. Locked away behind the secure zips, the distractions from each other well and truly discarded. Because they both used the coffee shop meetings as an excuse to do homework, but Sander really just wanted to hang out with the brown eyed beauty… and he was almost certain that Robbe wanted the same. It seemed likely considering he never put up a fight to do his coursework either. In fact, volunteering for the two of them to leave them stored away.
Sander scribbled on a napkin again, the density of the thin paper more of a familiarity to him after all the practice. It was a tradition for them – having drawings on napkins. More so something the blonde boy gave to Robbe, but still a tradition, nonetheless.
“What are you drawing today?” he asked curiously, reaching his hand out and tracing patterns on Sander’s. It was a movement he often did, idly running his finger across the palm not holding the pen, mapping out the lines as if trying to commit them to memory.
Sander had never questioned it, not from the first time he started to do it, no matter how startled he was at the action. He was slightly scared that he might accidentally indicate that he didn’t want the boy’s touch on him – which couldn’t have been further from the truth. So, keeping quiet and just letting it happen was the best thing to do.
He smiled a little, “I am drawing something I haven’t done before…”
“Very ominous… can you give me a hint?”
“It is portrait instead of landscape”
Robbe groaned a little, poking him lightly “Enough with your arty language, speak normally for the uncultured peasant folk”
Looking up at him with an amused smirk, Sander replied, “That isn’t even artsy language! That is just basic knowledge… but ok, guess I’ll dumb it down-”
“ Dumbing it down was never on the table!”
“You said you were an uncultured peasant – that means you’re dumb” he teased, grinning and raising a challenging eyebrow.
The smaller boy pouted, bringing his hand back and crossing his arms over his chest dramatically.
“You’re so mean… do you get your kicks out of making me miserable?”
Although his tone was teasing, and it was obvious Robbe wasn’t actually upset, it set something off in Sander’s chest. Like a weight dropping, almost knocking the air out of him. That was the last thing he ever wanted to do to anyone, let alone Robbe.
“I would never want to make you miserable.” he told him, their gazes locked and the colour of their eyes burning into one another, golden brown with green.
It was a very loaded tone. Probably too sincere for such a jokey conversation, but it had to be said.
Robbe’s face softened, his hands dropping back onto the table and reaching out to cup Sander’s, thumb caressing it softly. It seemed like such an intimate act. Certainly, one not meant to be seen by so many prying eyes around them.
“I know, San.” he said, using the same tone “So, can you tell me what’s on the napkin now? You know how impatient I am”
The slight tension that had gathered in the air dissipated and both boys went back to the carefree attitudes they had before. Which was a relief to Sander. He hadn’t wanted to permanently bring down the mood. Well, not bring it down at all if he could help it.
“Mhmm, yeah I know how impatient and needy you are.” he agreed, chuckling at the scandalised sound Robbe made. “What? You said it, I was just agreeing with you!”
He placed the pen back on the table, content with the finishing touches he had made to the napkin masterpiece, before twisting it round so it could be seen.
“Wow…” Robbe breathed out in wonder, taking it in his hands, making it flutter a little due to its fragility. It was kind of a good analogy for the way his heart was feeling at that moment “This is beautiful, Sander!”
Although normally the things that were drawn were little cartoons. Very small, silly things that nobody was expected to think twice about. What was put onto that napkin was a different thing entirely. It was of two boys, standing side by side. One shorter with curly hair and the other with slightly more height and what appeared to be a lighter shade on the top of his head.
Obviously, it was an interpretation of the two of them. Or it was supposed to be. Sander had worried that maybe it wouldn’t have come across. That Robbe would not have understood who it was. It was one hundred times harder to get a perfect likeness with a ballpoint pen on flimsy material. But on top of that, it was almost impossible to show all of the gorgeousness that was radiating from the boy sitting opposite him.
Plus, there was that stupid logo printed on all of them. Always taking up space and preventing the drawings from being enlarged any more. He understood that it was a way of advertising and promoting their company… but it was the bane of his existence.
“I think this one is my favourite.” he confessed, softly, looking up at Sander with hooded eyes
“Yeah?”
“Yeah… is it ok if I keep it?”
“Of course! If you get joy out of a napkin then, be my guest” Sander joked, trying to disguise the effect the words had on him. The blush that came over his face was probably a tell-tale sign.
Robbe, with his unwavering gaze, smiled at me shyly, “I get joy out of anything you give me.”
Replying to that proved harder than it seemed. Because what do you say to a person who already said everything you wanted?
So, he settled on returning the smile and grabbing his hand on top of the table. Hoping it would be enough to silently communicate everything he wanted to say.
***
Looking back on that day in the coffee shop… it was weird how quickly things could go downhill. That one day he was on top of the world, thinking that nothing and nobody could bring him down. Sander was there with Robbe, feeling some of the strongest bouts of happiness that he had ever had… the delight practically seeping out of his pores. Yet, there was a crash. The pedestal he was standing on somehow collapsing in on itself, sending him falling to the ground. Hitting the floor with a force so big that it knocked everything out of him. Winding him and seemingly sucking out every once of oxygen in his lungs, leaving him heaving for a single breath.
Since then, it had been darkness. The kind that just swallowed him up, making him think that there was no way out. Eliminating every single source of light known to man and therefore snuffing out every little beam of hope that might have been lit in his chest. Putting out even the smallest flicking candle of optimism left inside, leaving only a gaping void where all the joy used to be located.
It was loneliness. Eating Sander from the inside out. Grasping onto him and latching on to his head and heart, sinking its claws into the best thoughts, the happiest memories… and making them dark and painful. Turning them into something sour. A bitter taste, no hint of sweetness, permanently filling his mouth. The presence of it a reminder of the person he was, mere days ago, rotting away.
He kept his phone turned off, the incessant sound too much for him. The sound of endless notifications flooding in, the messages of concerned people crashing in like waves on a stormy night. They were constant and unstoppable, practically a tsunami. Sander understood that people were concerned, but all of their combined efforts were overwhelming. It was the last thing standing between him sinking into insanity. That is why silencing the obnoxious pinging sound had to be done.
It was probably better of that he didn’t reply to the messages anyway. It was the best option for everyone involved. Nobody deserved to be brought down to his level. To be stuck down there in the toxic realms of depression, the poisonous gasses of sadness slowly filling up their lungs. All the light and cheer dissipating and leaving only faint memories of what could have been.
Especially for one person specifically.
Robbe was basically the light itself. He was light to Sander, anyway, always able to brighten up his day. But he was terrified that he would somehow end up extinguishing the enchanting boy. Making him black and dark. Dripping venom into his veins and making him suffer as much as he was in that moment. Dragging every ounce of bliss from his body, ripping it away and never giving it back.
It tormented him, the thoughts appearing even when he was in a deep sleep. The idea that he could contribute in any way to Robbe being any less than the sunshine he was… Sander would never be able to forgive himself.
It was only about a week of him being wrapped in his comforting layers of duvet before Sander decided he should try and face the world again. Sure, it had felt like the time had dragged on, feeling more like long months rather than only seven days. Guess it was true what people say, time truly is an illusion.
Just because he felt physically good enough to go out in society, that didn’t mean that he was necessarily ready to face the people out there too. After reading the flurries of texts that had come in, it certainly didn’t help matters.
Robbe: Hey Sander, I was just wondering if you were planning on coming to get coffee today?
It’s fine if you’re not… just let me know
I got your usual here in case you decide to show haha
Hi, so you haven’t been here for a few days… is everything ok?
I don’t know any of your friends from Uni so I can’t check but, if you’re sick then I hope you get well soon
Maybe your phone is off but, I’m kind of worried
Um discard that last message I was just being stupid. You probably just have a cold or something – feel better!
It’s kind of boring here without you
I miss you being here
Hope you come back soon x
It was like being stabbed in the heart repeatedly. The sharp blade piercing his organs brutally and without mercy.
The messages were not something that would probably be a cause for concern. To other people they may have even seemed funny and sweet… but to Sander, it was just the confirmation that he needed. That he was the thing that would make Robbe miserable. The person that would slowly but surely fill him with the same torturous thoughts that plagued Sander’s mind.
It had been a week. Which was a short time for everyone else who hadn’t been cowering in their rooms. And in that time, that lovely boy had been projecting so much energy into making sure he was alright. Or at least trying to make sure he knew there was someone thinking about him. And Sander did know that. He understood how much of a thinker Robbe was. That even when he wasn’t sending messages, he probably had them on his mind. Thinking and overthinking them.
And it was just the beginning… it would lead to more. The large heart in his tiny chest would probably end up bursting under all of the strain bearing down on it. So, putting a stop to things, sparing him from the heartache before it went and imploded in a spectacular fashion. It was better that way.
That’s why, when Sander walked into the coffee shop after that time away, he made sure to keep his eyes on the floor. He knew that the brunette was there, trying desperately to seek him out. The heat of his stare was almost burning two holes in the side of his face. It would have taken someone completely oblivious not to notice it. But he was also aware that if he gave in and greeted him, all the resolve he had built up would crumble in an instant. Sander never really did have any strength to resist him. None whatsoever.
He went to the counter, ordered his coffee and went on his way. Dragging himself out of there without exchanging any words with the boy. It was hard – of course it was. Sander could feel the pull between them, and all he wanted to do the entire time he was in there was give in to it. Allow the magnets crash them together, the way they were supposed to be… but he couldn’t. Robbe didn’t deserve to be stuck to him. He deserved every good thing in the world – and Sander was not one of them.
That new routine of him dancing around the other boy went on for weeks. Doing his best not to acknowledge his mere presence, even though every fibre of himself being drawn towards Robbe. The urge to rush over to his side and beg for forgiveness was almost too much to bear. But the thing was… he was scared that he would be rejected, kicked to the curb (which would be deserved for the way he had been acting). Though more than that, he was worried that Robbe may have accepted the apology. It was just the type of person he was, kind and inviting to all. It wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility that he would allow Sander to continue with their friendship.
But it couldn’t happen. That was why he was doing the entire thing to start with – to protect Robbe’s good heart. Going back to him would only mean he was being awarded with another chance to corrupt him. No… it just wasn’t an option.
Each time, there was no confrontation between the two of them. Sander didn’t make any effort to talk to the younger boy, and in turn, Robbe didn’t attempt to force him. It was torture, but it got even worse when, after about a week, he received a text from him. And he was sure he could pinpoint in that moment when his heart officially broke into a million pieces.
Robbe: You know what Sander? I didn’t know why you were ignoring me… I didn’t know what I was supposed to have done. But then I realised something. That everyone was right about you. All of the things that people had said. All about you being a heartbreaker and a person who just doesn’t care about other’s feelings. I hadn’t wanted to believe it before, but now I know it’s true. You are just a horrible person and there is no use me being upset over you. So if that’s what you were trying to do, I just wanted to know you failed. You can’t make me feel anything Driesen. I feel nothing towards you. Nothing
It had been part of his plan – making it so that Robbe wouldn’t be close to him anymore. But what he hadn’t anticipated was the fallout of their friendship. The sourness that would emanate from the ruins of what they used to be.
Perhaps that was foolish of him. But it was truly unexpected. The way that the small, kind boy had exploded. Not that he could be blamed for doing so. It was a totally justified reaction… but that did not stop it from hurting.
Despite all the hurt feelings, Sander knew that it was for the best. It meant that Robbe wouldn’t want to be close with him. There wasn’t even a slight chance of it happening. But it was better to keep up the charade… to continue with the uncaring visage. It would protect the sweet boy from the toxic relationship he may have fallen into with Sander. Push him so far away that he could be nowhere near the fallout.
Because he would inevitably explode again. It was something that he hated to admit to himself… but he knew that it was likely to be a reality. That was just the way things went. And the thing with explosions is, there are always injuries. Casualties. Innocent people getting hit by the lasting consequences of the blow. Sander would be damned if he just stood there and allowed Robbe, the sweetest most gentle boy known to man, to be injured by the flying debris amid his meltdowns.
As much as it pained him to do, he would never express his true feelings. He would never admit to the ever-growing feelings of love he had for the boy. Never tell another living soul the heartache it put him through to cut him out of his life. From that point forward, he would be made of stone.