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As soon as Alexis tried to unbutton Twyla’s shorts, she froze. Hoping Alexis wouldn’t notice, she tried to kiss her, but of course Alexis did and gently pushed Twyla away.
“Babe, hey, what’s wrong?” Alexis looked up at her with concerned eyes from where she was sitting under Twyla.
Everything had been going so well, but now Twyla was shaking for a different reason.
“Ummm. We should- I need to talk to you about something, actually, before we go any further.” Twyla tried to keep the shakiness out of her voice, but by the way Alexis ran her hands up her waist under her shirt, trying to soothe, she knew she had failed.
“Okay, Twy, let’s talk.”
She got off Alexis’ lap and sat next to her instead, and Alexis folded her legs and put her hand near, but not touching, Twyla’s, looking at her with such patience and care Twyla had to try not to cry.
“Whatever it is, Twy, it’s okay.” Twyla tried to control her breathing, this was historically not a great conversation to have with a partner.
“I know, I just. Umm. There have been certain... expectations with other people and I just want you to know... I can’t do oral, either giving or receiving.” She squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to look at Alexis’ reaction.
Her next words came out in a rush. “It’s just, I don’t like someone’s face being that…. close…. to me, which I know sounds weird given that sex itself is a pretty intimate thing.” She paused to take a breath. “Um. And- but, also I don’t like the suffocating feeling I get when I give it to someone, having their legs around my head just doesn’t…. I just can’t do it, I’m sorry. If this is a dealbreaker, I understand.” That last part was whispered so quietly, she wondered if Alexis even heard it.
“Twyla. Hey.” Twyla knew Alexis mostly liked using her nickname, so using her real name meant things were more serious. “Can you open your eyes and look at me?” Alexis’ voice was laced with so much concern, Twyla really had no choice. Alexis’ look of patience was still there, but there was care and affection mixed in too.
“Thank you. Can I hold your hand?” Once their fingers were interlocked, Alexis continued. “Okay, first of all, if either of us don’t like to do something, anything, we don’t do it. Just, we don’t, that’s it. I am all about enthusiastic consent from everyone, and there are things that I don’t like to do either.” A pause, and Alexis ran her thumb over Twyla’s knuckles, knowing how much that helped her anxiety in general. “Second, thank you for telling me what you’re comfortable with. I know that wasn’t an easy thing to say, and I’m guessing that oral has been an issue with some people in your past, and I’m so sorry they ever made you feel anything but okay about your choices. But I want you to know that it is not an issue for me, at all. I’m totally fine if we never do that, there are so many other things we can do, so many other ways to get there. I just want us to enjoy what we’re doing, however we do it. Okay?”
As Alexis talked, her voice full of determination, Twyla felt so much relief crash through her, she couldn’t help but tear up again. She nodded, and Alexis ran a thumb against her cheek, smiling softly at her.
“Thank you, Alexis. For being so understanding.”
“Honey, you have boundaries and they’re valid and they deserve to be respected by anyone. I’ll always respect your boundaries, and I don’t mean just sexually, but I do need you to tell me about them.”
“I will. Um. Sorry for killing the mood.”
“What? No, I’m, like, so glad you said something, and there is plenty of time for us to do things later on. You didn’t ruin anything.”
Alexis pulled Twyla in for a hug, kissing her temple, and Twyla felt herself fully relax for the first time in awhile.