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And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am- Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls
That day started much like most of his days started, running late to school. Kel slid through a stop sign, wincing as a little old lady shook her fist at him. He raised his own hand in apology, but she was long gone, left in the dust of his beat up old clunker. Kel was normally late, but never this bad.
It had been a frightful morning. Sally had gotten into a scuffle with Hector, which was somehow Kel’s fault, and she had retaliated by throwing his keys in the toilet. One disgusting journey later, Kel had been dashing out the door and peeling out of their driveway. It was all okay now though, he was pulling into the school lot, and judging by the student’s still milling out front, he was making it just in time.
Kel slid into his normal parking spot and snatched his bag, getting out of the car and nearly tripping in his haste to get out. He adjusted and craned over the roof of the car. Searching for a familiar dusty green pick up truck.
Polly had gotten Basil a car as a gift for the new school year, something none of them had been expecting. Kel had Hero’s old car, which had been their dad’s old car, and Aubrey had her trusty scooter, but Basil’s truck was a thing of beauty. It was a newer model, not brand new, but still nice. The seats were a soft plush grey, and it smelled like oranges inside. Kel had spent plenty of hours lying in the passenger seat listening to the radio as they drove aimlessly around town together. It was his new favorite thing to do. But now it was nowhere in sight.
Kel gave up on looking for Basil’s truck, and instead searched out Aubrey. Her shocking bright hair was much easier to spot, and he had her in his sights within seconds. She was standing by the side of the stairs, shockingly alone. Since she had moved in with Basil, they usually drove in together.
“Hey Aubrey!” Kel called out, jogging over to the girl’s side. She gave him her usual half smile and quickly punched his arm in greeting. Kel craned his head around her body, searching for a familiar bed head of blond hair, “Where’s…”
“He had a phone call with his parents late last night.” Aubrey filled in smoothly as Kel dropped off. She didn’t need to ask who he was looking for. Kel’s smile instantly disappeared as she said this, a pit forming in his stomach. They both knew what phone calls with them did to Basil, and Aubrey adjusted the straps of her backpack, tossing her long hair over one shoulder, continuing in the same quiet tone, “Polly is letting him stay home today,”
It was smart, good even, to let him get a break. Since coming back to school Basil had been making steady progress in catching up with all of the things he had missed while being homeschooled. He was doing good. It wasn’t a bad thing to take one mental health day. Kel’s true feelings about this must have shown on his face, because Aubrey punched his arm again and began to pull her best friend towards the doors of the building.
“Don’t worry if he tries to stay home tomorrow I’ll drag his little flower butt to school,” Kel shot her a tiny grin and gently shoved her with his shoulder. Aubrey was good for stuff like this. Falling back into friendship with her was as easy as taking one step after the other. For them, they had picked up exactly where they left off- with him being an open book and her reading him like a well loved novel.
As they walked up the steps to the school and the short journey to Aubrey’s locker, Kel couldn’t help the worry that continued to push against his chest. Basil’s parents...well they were just the worst. There were no other words to think, at least none that Kel felt comfortable thinking. For some reason Basil was still incredibly loyal to them, and he wouldn’t listen to anyone talk bad about them. It made no sense to Kel. They had never added to the other boy’s life, only taken and taken until Basil had nothing left to give, and then taken some more after that. Kel didn’t get why Basil just took everything they threw at him, why he let them ignore him and then come back only to rip him apart again.
How did Basil not see how precious he was? How did he not see how he was worth them a thousand times over? He was smart, funny, kind, loyal to a fault. How did he not see how much Kel loved-
Nope.
Nope those were bad thoughts to get into. Things Kel knew he would never get to have. He was just worried for his friend. His best friend, his sunflower best friend whose smile set his soul alight. He was feeling this just because Kel didn’t like when his friends were hurt. It had nothing to do with the minor heart palpitations he got when Basil laughed, or the way his tears made Kel want to commit murder. No it was just good ol plain worry for one of his best friends.
“You’re not listening to me,” Aubrey stated in her usual blunt way, forcing Kel out of his thoughts and back to their conversation that had continued long after he had stopped listening, “I know you have your little puppy love thing going on with Bazzi, but I demand at least 33% of your attention.”
“Not 100%?” Kel questioned, ignoring the rest of Aubrey’s statements, and the way his blush deepened at her words. Aubrey rolled her eyes and shoved her textbooks into Kel’s arms for him to carry to their homeroom.
“No. I know the only person who would get that much of your attention span isn’t me,” She smirked as she said this, and Kel wanted to take back every nice thing he had ever thought about Aubrey.
“Let’s get going. We’re gonna be late, Bubblegum Bitch,”
“Whatever you say Lunk-Head Basketball Boy,”
As they entered into homeroom, the idea of how to show Basil how he felt finally hit Kel. He quickly pulled out his phone and began to search for answers to his questions.
Basil’s house looked different these days. Even from where Kel stood outside, it looked different. The roof was still green, and the plants outside were still overflowing, but there was some invisible change. Maybe it was Aubrey’s scooter resting in the driveway, or Polly’s vases which were lovingly filled with various flowers blooming an array of bright colors. The house felt well loved now...it felt like a home instead of just a house.
Maybe he should tell Basil that. No, that would probably make him sad, which was the exact opposite of what Kel wanted to do.
Still, silently commenting on Basil’s house was far easier than walking up to the front door and knocking. Kel adjusted the heavy pot sitting in his arms and sighed. He had been standing outside for the better part of an hour, trying to come up with what he wanted to say, but still nothing came. He wished he was Hero in this moment, or even Aubrey. They both were able to talk about their feelings much better than he was. Well that wasn’t exactly true, Aubrey was shit at talking about her feelings, but when it came to feelings like this...well Kel wanted just a little bit of her bluntness.
Okay blunt. He could do blunt. He was blunt all the time without meaning to be. Kel gathered all of his courage and took the five steps up to the door, rapping smartly on it with a too loud noise. The door opened, and Kel opened his mouth to speak. Time to say it.
Aubrey stared at him. Kel’s sudden daring shriveled at the sight of her, and he let his shoulders droop.
“Kel?” Aubrey leaned against the doorway, looking down at the gift in his hands, and then back up at Kel’s face. She went through a few emotions at a rapid pace- confusion, shock, and then smug self satisfaction. His mouth dried up like the Sahara, and he coughed, trying to find the words. She seemed content to sit in the awkward silence, drinking in Kel’s embarrassment with glee.
“What can I uh do for ya?” No one should sound so superior. It was completely unfair. She knew why he was here, why was she forcing him to try and say this? Oh yeah, because his best friend was lovely, but she was also a grade A bitch.
“I uh...well- I-is Basil home? I mean I know he is, but I just- well I mean,” Kel stopped his babbling, adjusting the pot in his hands and reaching up to rub at the back of his head. Aubrey gave him another look, and Kel groaned, giving up on trying to hide his blush.
“Shut uuuuuup,” He whined, hoping that she would finally take mercy on him. To his total surprise, she did. Aubrey smiled, one of her rare genuine smiles, and she stepped back, opening the door wide.
“Come on in,”
The inside of the house was different now too. The couch was made up with a thick purple quilt, a tiny white bunny asleep in a pen next to it. There was the mouthwatering smell of stew hanging in the air, dishes piled high in the sink next to a bubbling pot. Polly was sitting at the kitchen table, a half finished puzzle in front of her. There was chaos everywhere, but the good kind of chaos that came from having a family.
“Hi Kel!” Polly called out, waving her hand in his direction, “Aubrey and I were just doing a puzzle if you were interested in helping?”
“He’s got something for Basil,” Aubrey said, a smirk still in her voice, “He’s in his room.”
Kel took another calming breath and walked past the living room, into the hallway. Basil’s door was all the way on the right, innocently sitting there, unknowing and unfeeling to Kel’s impending doom. He stood in front of the white wood, raising his hand up and then putting it back down a few times. He still had no idea what to say. A slim pale hand reached out past his shoulder and banged loudly on the door, and Kel jumped back. Aubrey was standing next to him, rolling her eyes once more
“BASIL! Kel is here with something for you! He’s coming in,” Aubrey jerked her head towards the door and then disappeared back into the family room. Kel didn’t know whether he loved her or hated her more in this moment. He shifted his gift, and opened the door.
The room was lit in the low light of the setting sun, dark orange hitting the bookshelves and desk. Basil was stretching up from where he had been lying in bed, blonde hair a golden halo surrounding him. Kel had the irrational urge to kiss the tip of his best friend’s nose, heart beating a rapid pace.
“Hey Bazzi?” Kel whispered. Basil looked up blearily, clearly still waking up. Kel wanted to curl up in a ball and die. He persevered, continuing into the room and shutting the door. “Hi...I uh brought this for you. Aubrey said you- well I thought you might like it,”
Kel places the terracotta pot down on Basil’s end table. It is a clean white, a nice contrast to the dark purple petals of the flower he had chosen for his best friend. Basil scooted so he was sitting up against the headboard, reaching out to run a single finger down the stalks of the flowers.
“Irises,” Basil stated, his eyes transfixed on the flowers. Kel laughed nervously and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He was still parched, and that single humiliating giggle ripped his throat as it came out.
“Y-Yeah! I got them at Fix-It’s for you. I know you have like every flower imaginable but-”
“I don’t have any irises,” Basil said, cutting Kel off. He was looking at Kel now, sky blue eyes making Kel’s palms sweat. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing, and they lapsed into silence. Basil cut it a moment later, looking back at the flowers, “Irises symbolize wisdom, hope and valor. They’re what the french royalty based the fleur-de-lys on.”
Kel had read the same thing online, but he didn’t say that out loud. He didn’t know what to say, so he just blurted the first thing that came to mind.
“That’s cool. I just know them from that old song. Everyone knows it,” From the look on Basil’s face, it was clear he did not know it. Smooth Kelsey. Real smooth. He would hit himself if he didn’t think it would freak Basil out.
“Song?”
“From City of Angels?” Kel responded, but Basil still looked confused. Curse his best friend for having such a cute look of confusion, it made it hard for Kel to think straight, “That’s one of Hero’s favorite movies. It’s all about this angel that falls in love with a girl, and he gives up heaven for her. Without her his life didn’t feel complete. But then the day after he becomes human she dies, and he has to learn what life is without her,”
Kel finished his ramble, thinking about that movie. Now that he was saying all of that, why it was Hero’s favorite quickly jumped out at him, and Kel winced. He had now managed to bring up what was possibly the worst topic. He pulled his phone out and began to search through it, throwing it down on the bed and throwing himself down next to it.
“Here listen” the first chords of guitar started up, tinny coming out of his phone’s tiny speakers, and Kel looked up nervously. Basil was looking at the irises, but Kel could tell he was listening carefully. They managed to get through the first chorus before Basil spoke up again, his voice tight with emotion.
“Pretty selfish of the girl. To make an angel give up all of that just to be with her and then to leave him. Angels shouldn’t be hurt like that,” Kel stretched out on his back and considered Basil’s words. He wasn’t the best with subtext, but there was a lot that could be unpacked there. He chose to not unpack any of it.
“She didn’t make him choose to be human. Besides, it was an accident how she died.” Kel shot back, looking up at the ceiling, so different from his own room. Basil had a room with a low ceiling that Kel could reach if he stood on his tip toes. Even lying down Kel felt like if he put his arms out, the tips of his fingers might brush against that soft white. He tried it, just to give himself something to do while he waited for the other boy to gather his words.
“Still to pull him down from being so high up, clip his wings and force him to be stuck as a person,” Basil pulled his knees close to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He looked tiny and miserable, clearly still caught in whatever hellstorm of emotions his parents had brought up, “He lowered himself down to her level, only to get hurt by her. That’s what people do to angels,”
The last sentence stuck out to Kel like a sore thumb. That’s what people do to angels. They were once again dancing along the lines of the thing that neither of them talked about. The reason that Kel felt so drawn to spend as much time as he could with Basil. The thing that made Basil talk to Kel like he had only ever talked to Sunny before. That unspoken thing that made both of them crave more than what they should. Basil dropped his hand away from the flowers and sighed, fingers coming to clutch in the bedspread.
“He chose it, she didn’t ask,” Kel stressed again, trying to get Basil to see what he was saying underneath his words. Basil continued to avoid his eyes, so Kel pushed forward, “She was worth it to him...love tends to be that way.”
Kel made a bold move, shifting himself up from where was lying and moving so he was sat next to Basil at the head of the bed. They were close enough that their shoulders brushed, and this tiny sensation spread through Kel’s body. So close. Close enough he could feel Basil’s warmth.
“At the end of the movie he’s happy he chose it. It was worth getting that one perfect day with her,” Kel whispered, words that only the two of them would be able to hear. Basil gave him a sideways glance, seeing the conviction in Kel’s features. The blonde looked away with a blush, and Kel felt his own cheeks lit up in a warm honey glow.
“Sounds like a good movie,” Basil murmured with a tiny smile, and Kel beamed. It wasn’t perfect, it was far from it, but it was progress. Progress was the most anyone could ask. Progress felt good, so very very good.
“We’ll watch it sometime then, but not with Hero. He’s such a sap he always cries while watching stuff like that.”
“Just you and me then,” Basil said, leaning his head against Kel’s shoulder.
Kel’s heart trilled, and he couldn’t help the dopey smile that hit him in the face. Kel hid that silly smile in Basil’s hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his best friend’s head. His something more than a best friend.
“Sounds good. Just you and me, Bazzi,” Kel links their hands together. It’s warm and mildly uncomfortable, but it’s also the best thing he’s ever felt.
They don’t talk about it, neither of them wanting to interrupt the stillness of the moment. The song loops, and they let it play out again. The setting sun catches gold on the dark purple petals of the flowers, and Kel feels Basil’s shoulders finally ease out of the tension that they had held.
Kel had said none of the things he had wanted to say. He hadn’t told Basil how much he cared about him, or how Basil meant the world to him, but maybe he had in some weird roundabout way. Either way, Kel was content to listen to another few rounds before the real world came knocking at the door for them.