Work Text:
After all these months, after all these small touches you couldn’t help but imagine a future with him. You couldn’t help but envision how everything would play out when you would confess your feelings to him.
After all these months you had finally realized what that fluttering in your stomach was, whenever Din brushed you lightly. The smallest touch was enough to make your heart throb against your ribs so painfully sweet. Heat rose to your cheeks whenever he lightly taped your arm or placed his hand on your shoulder to get your attention. They were only small touches, innocent and fleeting but they meant the world to you.
When he soothingly rubbed your back or squeezed your hand you knew he cared. You knew he felt the same even if neither of you had said it out loud.
After all these months you two had grown more comfortable with the presence of each other. So comfortable, in fact, that somehow you ended up cuddled up on the pilot seat in his lap when you were exhausted after a day filled with running and shooting, more often than not. You had no idea why or how it started but you didn’t care. You felt safe whenever he would wrap his arms around you and let you press your face between his helmet and neck. When he let you melt into his comforting warmth and forget the terrors of the day. You knew he cared when he held you tight, close to him and his racing heart that was beating just as fast as your own underneath his beskar and your fingertips.
After all these months you knew you loved him with all your heart. And you couldn’t help but envision how it would be if he was yours. You couldn’t help fantasize about the perfect future with him and the kid.
After all these months you had thought you knew how he felt for you, too.
Maybe love had made you blind. Maybe you had just been naive and dumb. Maybe you had slowly lost grip on reality while being held by him, while being so close to him.
Because reality came back crashing down on you when you had told him how you felt… and when he had told you how he didn’t.
“I’m sorry. I don't… I can’t return your feelings.”
_______________
The sudden distance was heartbreaking. You had gotten so used to his touches, his embrace, his warmth that the sudden loss laid heavily on your shoulders. With every step it pulled you further down, further into the spiral of hurt and pain. You couldn’t look up at his visor anymore, your eyes always lowered when you where near him. Because even though he had broken your heart you couldn’t bring yourself to leave. Even if every day reminded you of the pain, digging it’s spikes into your heart, deeper and deeper with every passing day you spend on the Razor Crest, you couldn’t bring yourself to leave him and the kid. You loved them both dearly and even when your feelings were unreturned you had a duty to fulfill. You had joined Din to help him with the kid and not to… fall in love.
But when he sat like that before you on the pilot seat, his armor stripped off and his arm freed from his flight suit so you could stitch up the wound he couldn’t reach on his own, you felt the pain even more prominently than ever before. Because this was the first time you saw him. This was the first time you saw the man underneath the armor, the gentle, honest man you knew… you thought he was.
You couldn’t raise your gaze to meet his blank visor anymore, you couldn’t stand being close to him anymore. Because every fleeting touch felt like it burned you. Every touch seemed to laugh at you and your stupidity, laugh at how you could have ever thought you had a chance with him. The future you had envisioned had broken down around you and left you and your heart in tiny pieces. And whenever you tried to pick them up and but them back together, every time you tried to move on they just slipped past your trembling fingers.
At night you laid wide away, staring at the ceiling from your improvised bed with tear filled eyes. Every night your thoughts kept circling around if it had been your fault somehow. At how you could have been so blind. Had you misread the situation so severely? Could you have been really so blind and dumb? Had all these nights in hyperspace spend tightly cuddled up on the pilot seat truly meant nothing to him?
Every night the pain in your soul became silent tears in your eyes as you cried yourself to sleep.
And now you had to pull all your strength together to push those tears back down, to not break down right in front of him. But when the touch of his uncovered skin slowly warmed up your trembling fingers and when you felt the pulsing of his heart in the vessels of his upper arm echo back in your own, it became impossible. Silently one dropped down onto your shaking hands as the rest began to cloud your vision. You quickly finished up his stitches and helped him back into his flight suit before you hurrydly closed the med kit and pressed it against your chest. You turned around to walk out of the cockpit but you had only took a few steps away when he reached out and curled his still gloveless fingers around your wrist, making your body freeze up. A soft whimper escaped your lips as your breath got stuck in your throat. You felt him tug at your arm ever so slightly, begging you to turn around and face him. But you couldn’t. If you would turn around now you knew you couldn’t hold back the wave of tears and the storm of emotions anymore. You knew you would break right there in front of him.
“(Y/N)."
You bit your tongue, trying to hold back the sob as the tears continued to cloud your vision. You pressed your eyes closed and begged yourself to hold it together, to not show him how much he had hurt you. But when you heard him stand up and softly turn you around to face him you knew you had lost the battle. You opened your eyes and looked up at him as the tears finally spilled over, as a broken sob finally tore through your throat, leaving you even more empty then you felt before when your eyes locked onto the void of his visor. You wanted to scream at him, tell him how awfully he had hurt you but all you could do was shakingly stand before him and press the med kit even closer against you, clutching onto it to seek some form of comfort you knew only he could give you.
Din had been prepared for your rage, for angry words thrown against him but he hadn’t been prepared for the heartbreaking sight as you broke down right in front of him. And all he wanted to do was pull you into his arms, wipe your tears away and whisper into your ear but he knew he had missed his chance when he had told you he didn’t feel the same…
"I’m sorry."
His voice was soft and filled with regret-no, stop. You took a deep breath and forced yourself to remember why you were standing before him, crying your eyes out right in front of him. He had broke your heart. He didn’t feel the same. There was no regret. There couldn’t be regret in his voice it must have been something else. But then he repeated it. "I’m sorry” over and over again under his breath, his voice shaking. And you knew it was regret that made it shake with emotion. And you knew he meant it. You knew he was being honest. But all that didn’t fix it, all that didn’t make it any less painful.
“Please, stop” you begged and tugged at his hand that was still curled around your wrist. Your voice sounded foreign, so unlike you, almost strangely heavy as you whispered those words. “There is nothing left to say."
You freed yourself from his grip and took one step back, giving him one last, sad look before you turned around to walk out of the cockpit. Only for him to stop you once more. With his hands on your shoulders he turned you back around. And before you could realize what he was doing he had already pushed the med kit out of your arms and to the floor as he pulled you against him. His arms wrapped around your shoulders and back, they kept you pressed against his chest. He still hadn’t put his armor back on so instead of the cold beskar you were used to you were pressed against the warmth of his skin from underneath the flight suit. The warmth you had missed and craved so much. The warmth that now felt like it burned you and it took everything in you not to hiss in pain.
When your mind finally caught back on, on what was happening you immediately went completely rigid in his embrace. And when those words left the savity of his helmet once more you pushed against him, clawed against his chest to try and get away.
"No!” you cried out loudly. “You don’t get to break my heart and hug me later!”
Another wave of tears crashed over you and another storm of emotions laced up your throat but you forced yourself to stay at the surface, to not get pulled down by the waves.
“You can’t do that!” you sobbed, not able to hold the words back anymore. “You can’t make me believe you love me and then- I can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe you might have really felt the same. I-”
“Stop that, you’re not stupid” he whispered. You wanted to say more but the firmness in his voice made you close your mouth as you stopped fighting against him. Giving up you let him hold you pressed against his chest. “You’re not stupid.”
As new tears welled up in your eyes you slowly wrapped your arms around him, too. Ignoring that he was the source of your pain, ignoring that he was the one pushing those spikes into your heart deeper and deeper with every passing day. You ignored all that and instead let yourself melt into the warmth and comfort of his embrace you had craved for so long.
“You aren’t stupid, you… I- I lied” he continued. “I do feel the same for you.”
Your breath hitched in your throat but you kept your head pressed against his chest, too scared to look up and see that maybe everything was just a dream, that everything was just a figment of your imagination and broken beart. Surely you must have imagined his voice, his words. But then he repeated them.
“I lied."
"Why?” you asked before you could bite your tongue. “Why did you lie? Why did you do this to me then? Why?” your tears were audible in the way your voice shook and trembled and in the way you clutched at the fabric of his flight suit, seeking halt, seeking answers. Din sighed deeply, you felt his chest rise and lower slowly as you hugged him tighter. “Din, why?”
“I-” he began, his voice trembling just as much. His heart was beating so heavily against his ribs you could feel it hammering against your own chest.
“I don’t deserve you."
You wanted to look up, you wanted to meet his visor again but he placed his chin on top of your head, forcing you to stay pressed against him with your head lowered. It felt like he didn’t want you to see him right now, like he was afraid of your eyes. As if he was afraid to see agreement in them.
"Din-” you began but he interrupted you by him continuing his explanation.
“I’m not the man you deserve. You deserve better than me. Someone who’s not as broken, not as defective, not… I’m not as good as you think I am.”
You wrapped your arms tighter around him as he began to shake and then furrowed your brows, somehow feeling angry that he would think that way about himself.
“You arent broken and you aren’t defective!” you began again, forcing your voice to sound strong and to blink the tears away. “You are a good man, Din.”
“I hurt you!” he objected and buried his fingers into the fabric of your shirt, seeking halt and comfort just like you. “All I wanted was to protect you from… me. But all I did was hurting you instead.”
For a few seconds you didn’t say anything, your chaotic thoughts racing in your mind in circles again and again. This wasn’t what you had expected when he had grabbed your wrist. And you had no idea what you were supposed to do now. You still felt hurt but the anger had vanished. But without the anger the pain just felt more present. And even though he had explained to you why he had done it… it would still hurt for a long while. The fact that he didn’t feel like he deserved you, that he didn’t deserve happiness was heartbreaking.
“You did hurt me” you agreed truthfully as you swallowed down another wave of tears, putting on a strong face instead. “And I don’t agree with the reason why but… it’s okay.” You slowly freed yourself from his embrace and took one step back. His arms were still loosely wrapped around you but his visor was lowered, staring at the floor instead of at you.
“No, I’m not… it’s not-”
“Stop” you interrupted him firmly and then softly placed your hands on each side of his helmet, forcing him to look up and at you. When your eyes finally locked onto the blackness of his visor, on his eyes that were hiding underneath, you took a deep breath.
“I decide who I deserve” you declared. “It’s my decision who I give my heart to.”
Din nodded slowly in understanding while you collected all your strength for the next words you wanted to say.
“You hurt me deeply.”
Din noticeably flinched at that but didn’t speak up or try to move away from you.
“But I’m ready to forgive you” you continued honestly. “I still feel the same, I still-” Your voice failed you, your throat hoarse and tired after all the crying but you forced yourself to carry on. “Are you ready to give us a change?”
Din didn’t hesitate one second, his ungloved hand shooting up to cup your cheek in a soothing manner.
“Yes, I’m ready. I want this-” he faltered a bit and hesitantly wiped away the last traces the tears had left on your skin. “I want this if you want me?”
“Maker, yes” you whispered breathlessly. You placed one hand on top of his that was still resting on your face, letting yourself really feel his skin for the first time. You felt the roughness of his hand, the little scars that littered the back of it. But all you could think about was how soft and gentle they were when he let his fingers slowly dance over your skin. How delicately he always touched you. But those small touches suddenly didn’t feel enough anymore. Gently you curled your fingers around his and tugged lightly at them.
“I’ve been waiting so long… I can’t be patient anymore” you whispered and let your eyes flutter close before you placed his hand over them. The clutter of his helmet landing on the floor was left unnoticed when you finally felt his lips on yours.