Chapter Text
Hi Ben,
It has been 5 years since I saw you for the last time, I never thought it would be this long, without seeing you, or that I would be here writing to you, but it makes me feel closer somehow and I can’t let go of you yet.
I still miss you and you still in my dreams, even though I’m certainly sure you don’t think about me anymore, maybe you never did. I say it every other year, that I won’t write to you anymore and every year I write, but I think this year is different Ben, I want it to be different.
Your mom still has a garden, I don’t think she will ever stop, it’s a beautiful thing to look at, but is also a constant reminder you’re gone. You said you couldn’t stay five years ago I thought you would at least want to stay friends, but you cut yourself from everyone’s lives.
Maybe it makes me a fool, but you ARE my best friend Ben and I don’t think it will ever change, which is sad and comforting at the same time. I’ll have you with me forever in this letters, reminding myself for how long I attached myself to you, but I won’t ever forget you, I wish you had parts of me with you too, but I don’t think you do and that’s fine, I don’t blame you, I was the one too attached.
You know sometimes I wonder if you ever wrote any song about me, I know it’s a silly thing to ask, I’m a nobody after all, I just wanted to be special, at least to you, like you are to me. I wonder if we would be able to be happy now if you have stayed, some things we will never know right?
You left a permanent mark on me, you are my family Ben and I wish I could be yours too, that I could understand you better, so maybe I would understand your reasons. Maybe I wasn’t enough and I already know this feeling too well, but I feel that I don’t understand yours and I'm sorry for that, I guess I just wanted you to love me, the way I love you, but I only saw you though the dream I wanted to live, I wanted too much, I always do.
I had the best 11 years I could ask for, because being with you was like having the prettiest book on my shelf, every time I looked you, you took my breath away, but I guess nothing can last forever. Everything was so easy with you, I thought you and I would be that kind of inseparable duo Ben. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you wanted, because you were the exact person I needed, I hope you find someone who can be this person for you, I hope you realise one day how amazing you are and how much the people around you love you deeply.
Going to the point I just wanted to say goodbye, you know I’m not a person who can go straight to the point, the thing is, I love you Ben and I’ll probably love you for the rest of my life, but I need to let you go.
Goodbye Ben, you were the best person I ever met, you made my life so much better, so much easier. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for letting me in, even if just a little, the best time of my life was with you.
With all my love,
Rey.
Rey closes her letters like every year with tears in her eyes, even not being around for so long Ben is the closest person she ever had, the purest heart she ever saw, probably too broken to realise it.
She gets up walking to her bookshelf, her four previous letters on her favourite books, she passes her fingers along the spine of them. This time she walks closer to her favourite book of all times, looks appropriate since it's her last letter, Rey takes Persuasion from her shelf opening it exactly at the Wentworth letter for Anne.
Rey smiles a little how unfortunate she is writing her goodbye letter on the one that marked the beginning of their relationship, a tear fall on the page “You pierce my soul” she reads out loud “I wish I could say I was hope too” she places her letter between the pages, closing the book, putting it back sealing her last thoughts about him on the things she loves the most.
She will seal everything up now, her best friend, this time she is letting him free, finally accepting he chose to never come back, accepting she will never see him again.
***
Ben looks at his notebook for the hundred time, the words sounding so off to him.
I feel like I’m going down
And I don’t know how to swim
I just get angrier but I can’t scream
Cause when I scream I keep going down
I feel so tired and don’t know how to get out
I keep losing and I keep breaking
Maybe I should just drown
Ben sighs turning the page, since his last album he hasn’t written anything good enough, the things are so messed up on his head and he is so tired.
“Come on Ben, if you look any harder at this paper it will catch fire” Finn says putting the food on the table.
Poe made him come here today, saying he needed some time with friends to clear his head, he doesn’t feel like his head is any clear.
“I need to complete something, anything, I haven't had a good song in years” he says.
“What are you talking about?” Finn says sitting down “Your last album was amazing, you won two Grammys for that one, really what are you talking about?”
“It was almost two years ago Finn, I probably should have a new one ready now and I don’t have even a whole song”
“Maybe you need some time? It happens a lot in the writers, sometimes they need to take a time off” Finn says “A lot of them take a year or two”
“I’m already at the two years mark” Ben sighs “I don’t know it just feels like I lost my inspiration”
“And what if you take a vacation Ben? Somewhere away from the big city, some place calm to get your inspiration back” Poe says.
“Yeah, maybe it’s a good idea” he says looking at his plate, not really thinking it would work.
Ben feels so tired, his career feels so pointless and he feels alone. He knows so many people listen to his songs, so many of them love him and that’s the strangest part. Poe shows him from time to time in the twitter account he made for him their love.
The strangest part, they don’t know him, they never knew him, but somehow there are people around the world saying they love him. Ben appreciates that, of course he does, but he also knows they wouldn’t love him if they knew who he really is.
However he also knows that so many people hate him too, Poe never shows him that part, but Snoke used to show him the hate comments all the time. That always made Ben think if he is good enough after all and in times like this when he can’t even find reasons to write, to continue singing he can’t help wondering if he isn’t a fraud like they always said, like Snoke always said.
“I don’t know Poe, I feel like I don’t have much more to offer” because people aren’t really listening to me, he doesn’t say.
He always wrote to reach understanding, to reach peace, belonging. Ben always felt so lonely and the words were always there for him, but before it was only him and his words, now he has the whole world looking at his soul and not being able to see it.
Maybe he should stop trying, no one is really listening, maybe she isn’t too, maybe none of them understand his apologies, maybe all this time he sang to people who weren’t even listening to him anymore.
“What about going back to the place that made you begin?” Finn says.
“What do you mean?”
“See the inspirations sometimes are in the places where we began, where we first thought we had something to tell, the first people you wanted to reach with your words”
“That’s a good advice actually baby” Poe says “Just don’t steal my client please, he will think you have better advice” he smiles at Finn “What do you think Ben?” he asks looking at the man on the other side of the table “Whatever you want to do I’m here to support you, I know it wasn’t like that before, but now you have things your way Ben”
Ben thinks about it, maybe he really needs a time to find his way again and he knows he also has some apologies to do. His way back to his path or the closure he always needed to do, to find peace, make them listen to him and finally be forgiven.
“Maybe I should take some time in my hometown, what do you think Poe?” Ben asks.
“Is that what you want? Whatever you want Ben, you can choose”
“Maybe I can try to start again there” Ben says looking down.
“Just tell me when you want to go and I’ll do the rest”
“Thank you Poe, I promise I won’t disappoint you”
“You don’t have to tell me that, you can never disappoint me Ben, we’re all by your side, I’ll always have you back”
Poe and Finn are smiling at him and Ben really wished it was true, that he can’t disappoint the people he cares about, but he knows the other side and he already disappointed so many people before. He knows how much he hurt people around him, how he broke most of them, this time he will try to deserve their forgiveness.
“Time to go back to your inspiration Ben” Finn says.
“Yeah” Ben whispers.
He knows exactly where it is, because he has been written to reach her since he left, trying to earn her understanding, bring her peace.
“Do you want me to book your flight?” Poe asks.
“I just need to reach my mom first” Ben says.
That’s the hardest part because he brought her the worst pain ever, he couldn’t look at Leia’s eyes after his father’s death, she had so much sorrow underneath the surface. He always wanted to be seen by his parents, to be loved and when they finally did it brought so much pain too.
Han was the glue, he realised, Han was the base, when he died Ben fell, they all did. Ben always thought there was so much dark on him, he always felt like he put people down with him, so running felt right, but now looking back he only hurt them more. He needs to say he is sorry personally, he needs to say goodbye properly.
He takes out his phone getting up of the table, reading Leia’s name on the screen, the one he saw so many times and refused to answer, she used to call him every day in the first months, he never answered, it was too much, with time he let Snoke convince him that they hated him. Ben thought Snoke was the person really listening to him, he believed everything he said, about his family, about Rey.
He was the dark and she was the light and the light would never love the dark, they couldn’t be together because their purpose in life where so different and they would ever destroy each other, even if it never was their intention. He needs to go back now, because he needs their forgiveness, but Ben knows the truth when Leia answers the phone.
“Ben it has been so long, how are you honey? Is everything ok?” she sounds so happy to finally hear his voice, Ben closes his eyes remembering this sound.
“Hi mom” he answers, hating himself once again for what he put her through.
He knows what he is doing this time, he will fix things now, he needs to, because he can’t stay, but he can’t leave without showing you much he is sorry. Ben can’t come back to her, he learned that already, Ben wasn’t destined to have a home, but he will make this time worth it, for his mother and for the only love he ever had in his life.
“I’m coming to visit mom”
“Really? Oh Ben this is the best news you could give me”
He will bring them the closure he should a long time ago and then he will finally have peace.