Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

We’re Supposed to be Professionals? LOL!

Kunikida’s Headache added Sushi to We’re Supposed to be Professionals? LOL!

Kunikida’s Headache: Welcome to the agency Atsushi-kun!

Sushi: Oh, thank you very much! I’m happy to be here… Dazai-san?

Kunikida’s Headache: Yep! 

Sushi: Um, no offense but why is your name… that?

Mother ™: Because it is accurate, unfortunately. 

Sushi: … Kunikida-san?

Mother ™: Yes. And before you ask, no I don’t know why Dazai decided to make this my name

Sushi: Oh, so you chose each other's names? Why?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: They both made a bet against Ranpo about how many hamburgers Kenji could eat in 10 minutes. 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Suffice to say they both lost and Ranpo thought it’d be funny to have let them change each other's names to whatever they wanted. 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Also, congratulations on passing your exam kid. I’m Yosano, the agency’s doctor. Come to me if you get any injuries and I’ll be happy to fix you up :)

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Also, IDK if you remember me but we met the day Dazai turned you back from the tiger.

Sushi: … Are you the lady with purple eyes and the butterfly pin?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Yep! Nice guess 

Sushi: Oh, thank you! I look forward to working with you!

Light Snow: No. You don’t. 

Light Snow: Also congratulations Atsushi!

Sushi: Tanizaki-san? Also why not?

Light Snow: Trust me, you DO NOT want to get “treatment” from her

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Oh?~ Would you like treatment next, Tanizaki-kun? :)

Kunikida’s Headache: The sheer level of threat that smiley possesses

Light Snow: you can’t treat someone who's totally fine… hehehe

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Would you like me to make you no longer fine?~

Light Snow: NO THANK YOU

Onii-sama~: Yeah, I’m the only one that makes him unwell. Right, big brother?

Sushi: Oh, hi Naomi-san!

Light Snow: Naomi please , can we not do this here?

Onii-sama~: Oh? Is that disobedience I hear?~

Sushi: Um... Kunikuda-san?

Mother ™: If you wish to maintain your sanity, for however long it lasts at least, you will not approach this subject

Light Snow: Naomi, the GC really isn’t the place, can’t we just DM each other?

Onii-sama~: Aw, are you embarrassed? Don’t worry I’ll be bold enough for us both

Sushi: …I think I got it Kunikida-san

President: I believe that is enough, you two.

Light Snow: President! Sorry, sir

Onii-sama~: Awwww, fine. Sorry, President

President: Good. Also welcome to the agency Atsushi. I look forward to seeing what you accomplish here.

Sushi: President! Thank you, Sir! I won't let you down!

President: I have no doubt. I will be taking my leave now, carry on.

Cowboy: Bye president! Oh, also hi Atsushi-san, I’m Kenji! We met when you met Yosano-san! I was the one with the hat! :)

Sushi: Oh, I remember now! You were the boy with blonde hair, right? 

Cowboy: Yep :)
Sushi: It’s nice to properly meet you and I look forward to working with you! 

Sushi: Thank you all for welcoming me so kindly and taking me in. I’ll do my best to not let you all down!

Kunikida’s Headache: I dont think you have to worry about that. Also there’s one more member you haven’t met yet.

Sushi: Oh, who? 

Sushi: Wait, I think I remember… Isn’t there a man who wears a hat and has green eyes?

Sherlock but Better: Not bad kid. Not as good as me of course, but your not hopeless

Sushi: Oh, um, thank you? Mr…

Sherlock but Better: Ranpo, the world's greatest detective

Sushi: Ranpo-san, got it. Nice to meet you :)

Sherlock but Better: Damn right it is. Now then, I’ve got a little situation here, so Sherlock but Better: @ThouShaltNotBotherMe I’m totally lost and you're closest so come pick me up!

Sushi: … What?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Not again. 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: *Sigh* Alright I’m coming, but your sharing some of your snacks when we get back

Sherlock but Better: Hey, no wait! That's not fair, I have a special brand today! Yosanooooo noooooooo!

Sushi: … Kunikida-san is this normal?

Mother ™: Unfortunately yes

Sushi: … This was a mistake

Kunikida’s Headache: This is gonna be fun!

Mafia Mofos

Boss: Akutagawa, you and Higuchi have a new mission.

Notice Me: Um, Senpai’s a little bit… busy, Boss. I’ll be sure to pass the orders on though

Boss: Very well, you two are hunting an ability user who can transform into a white tiger. It is a strong offensive ability, so be on your guard.

Notice Me: Understood sir

Boss: Good, I’ll be taking my leave now

Boss: Translation - he’s gonna go back to watching soap operas on his phone 

Boss: Elise-chan! Please stop stealing my phone! And stop exposing me!

Boss: lol, nah bitch!

Boss has left Mafia Mofos

TriggerFinger: … Well that happened

Notice Me: Yep. Am I the only one that finds it weird the person that sasses him most is his own ability?

TriggerFinger: THANK YOU! I thought I was the only one!

Grandpa: You are not, but you learn to simply except it

Chu Chu Motherfucker: He says that, but it never actually gets any less weird

Grandpa: … He is not wrong

TriggerFinger: Also, tf is up with the chat name? Like, its funny I guess but it doesn’t really seem the boss’s style

Chu Chu Motherfucker: One word: Elise

TriggerFinger: And suddenly everything makes sense

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ignoring the oddity that is our boss, @Notice Me what bullshit has my brother gotten into this time?

Notice Me: Uh... w-what makes you think he’s gotten into anything?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Please. Between your vagueness about what he’s doing and his lack of response about getting a mission where he gets to fight? He’s Definitely doing something and I would bet Tachihara’s life savings its something stupid

TriggerFinger: Wait, how’d I get roped into this?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Meh, you were there. Anyways, Higuchi. Spill.

Notice Me: Okay, so he might have blown up a police station

TriggerFinger: HE WHAT?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Dammit not again

TriggerFinger: AGAIN?!?!?

Grandpa: I’m too old for this

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: *Sigh* This is why I’m the Superior ™ sibling

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: @P!ATD(ead body) would you PLEASE stop blowing up buildings? 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Like, I know we’re criminals but come on man, its just overkill at this point. 

TriggerFinger: Why are you all so calm about this?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It’s fine, he does this sometimes. He says he wants someone to notice him (though I know for a fact over half of them were just cause he got bored) and, like a dumbass, he’s decided blowing up buildings is the best way to do it

TriggerFinger: ...Why? ...How? I dont…?

TriggerFinger: @Chu Chu Motherfucker You dont have anything to say about this???

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Kid, if I told him off for every needlessly destructive and/or stupid thing he did, we would never leave HQ. At this point I just kinda accept it

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Honestly, I’m just kinda grateful it was a building that we at least get some benefit taking down this time

TriggerFinger: Do I even want to know?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: He blew up a random bakery on the other side of town like 3 months ago.

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: That ones the reason he’s now got a picture for his wanted poster bc my brother is an Actual Moron and didn’t A. wear something to hide his face

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Or B. at least check if there was A RANDOM DUDE ACROSS THE STREET FILMING HIM

@P!ATD(ead body): IT WAS NIGHT AND HE WAS WEARING ALL BLACK

 Chu Chu Motherfucker: There he is. About time you joined this trainwreck 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: YOU WERE WEARING BLACK AND HE SAW YOU JUST FINE!

@P!ATD(ead body): I had more important things on my mind like, oh idk, not blowing myself up!

TriggerFinger: It’s so weird to see Akutagawa irl in all his emo glory

@P!ATD(ead body): My what glory?

TriggerFinger: And then come to the group chat where hes typing in all caps and trying to defend his own stupidity about blowing up random bakeries and getting filmed

@P!ATD(ead body): I will literally be seeing you face-to-face in like an hour. Choose your words carefully

TriggerFinger: I’ll be shutting up now

@P!ATD(ead body): Smart man

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Is he though?

TriggerFinger: HEY!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: To be fair, you did think Gin was a guy when you met her 

TriggerFinger: Her face was covered, how was I supposed to know?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It was funny at first but then you just… didn’t catch on for, like, months

TriggerFinger: I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I mean, money’s always a good call

TriggerFinger: I hate you

TheResponsibleOne: I believe that’s quite enough fooling around, don’t you?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh, hey Ane-san!

TheResponsibleOne: Hello lad :)

TheResponsibleOne: Now then, if I’m not mistaken, you two should be helping Hirotsu-san right now 

Grandpa: Indeed they should 

TriggerFinger: Uh...

TheResponsibleOne: And it would be best to leave Akutagawa-kun and Higuchi-kun to prepare for their mission, hm?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: … yes ma'am

TheResponsibleOne: Good! Well then, everyone back to work, and good luck in capturing your target, you two.

Notice Me: Thank you Ma’am

@P!ATD(ead body): I will not fail

TriggerFinger:*Cough* emo mode activate *Cough*

TheResponsibleOne: Tachihara... 

TriggerFinger: Gotta blast!

Chapter Text

Mafia Mofos

P!ATD(ead body): So, was anyone gonna tell me the “target” is Dazai-san’s new… acquaintance or was I gonna have to have a heart attack seeing him pop up out of nowhere in the middle of me fighting an actual fucking tiger myself???

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Wait, hold up. What? 

P!ATD(ead body): Dazai-san. He just showed up in the middle of me and the weretiger’s fight, then took him and the two other agency members we took down back to their building 

TriggerFinger: Wait, I’m confused. Who’s “Dazai-san”? 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: A traitor. You dont need to know anything about him beyond he betrayed the port mafia and is extremely dangerous, especially to ability users 

TriggerFinger: ...Well damn. Okay then 

Grandpa: Does the boss know or shall I go inform him?

Boss: There's no need 

TheResponsibleOne: When did you get here Boss?

Boss: I’ve been keeping tabs on this chat for the last few minutes to see if Higuchi or Akutagawa would say something about the mission here before they arrived at HQ

Boss: It would seem I was correct

TriggerFinger: So… what do we do about this?

Boss: Hm… Dazai-kun interfering is a bit of a problem for us, so our best course of action is to take him out of the picture. Akutagawa, I will leave that job to you

P!ATD(ead body): Of course, Boss

Boss: Good. Once that is done, resume your mission as before. I hope for better results in the future. That is all.

Mori has left Mafia Mofos

TriggerFinger: ...Well that was tenser then the last time he was online

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: No shit

TriggerFinger: Hey, @P!ATD(ead body) You alright man? You kinda seem like you knew this Dazai guy

P!ATD(ead body): I did. Now he is an enemy. That is all there is to it

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Akutagawa…

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ryu… 

LEMON!!!: GREETINGS MY FRIENDS!!!!

Notice Me: Jesus christ Kajii, you scared the shit out of me

LEMON!!!: My apologies, but there is no room for hesitation when in pursuit of the pinnacle of scientific discovery!!!!!

TriggerFinger: ...right

LEMON!!!: Speaking of! I actually came onto the chat to inform you that, due to one of my marvellous studies, warehouse 8 was destroyed!!!! UWAHAHAHA!

TriggerFinger: Kajii…

Notice Me: ffs

Chu Chu Motherfucker: GOD DAMMIT KAJII WE CANT KEEP DOING THIS!!!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: THAT'S THE THIRD ONE THIS WEEK AND ITS ONLY FRIDAY! 

LEMON!!!: Unfortunate as it is, it was a worthy sacrifice for the pursuit of SCIENCE!!!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: … I need a drink

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Or three

TheResponsibleOne: As do I 

Grandpa: And I, a smoke

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wait…

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: KAJII YOU BASTARD I STORED COOKIES IN THAT 

WAREHOUSE

LEMON!!!: Ah, do not worry, they were not blown up

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh really? Good, cause I was ready to stab a bitch

LEMON!!!: Indeed! I found them before the experiment and consumed them to refuel my brilliant mind!!!!!

Notice Me: Kajii…

P!ATD(ead body): I would run if I were you

LEMON!!!: ???Why?!?!?!

LEMON!!!: Oh!!! It would seem Gin is hekfdsifsdnksfd

TriggerFinger: Oh shit he ded

TheResponsibleOne: *Sigh* This entire organization is chaos

Supernatural Siblings

Sam: Hey, are you OK?

Sam: Ryuu?

Sam: I know your reading these

Sam: If you don’t answer me I’m eating all your figs

Dean: What?

Sam: Hey, how you holding up?

Dean: I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?

Sam: You and I both know why

Dean: … I

Dean: I don’t know how I’m doing

Dean: Like, when I saw him, I was shocked, obviously. I mean its not everyday your 

mentor who left without a word 4 years ago suddenly jumps off a building into the middle of your fight with a giant, regenerating tiger

Dean: But other then that… I don't know. There's a lot, and some of its conflicting, which 

is really annoying btw

Sam: Conflicting how? Like your happy and sad that he's there?

Dean: I thought he was dead

Dean: At least, a small part of me did. The rest of me knew death itself probably wouldn’t be enough to take him out but…

Dean: I kind of wanted it to be true. Cause if he was dead, it would mean he didn’t just toss me aside like I was nothing.

Sam: Ryu you are not nothing

Dean: ...

Dean: I know you think that, and I do appreciate it but...

Dean: It's kind of hard to believe when the person I look up to most has been saying, hell proving, the opposite

Dean: Then he chose to just leave without ever...

Dean: He's never...

Dean: ...

Dean: When he showed up, a part of me was kind of

Dean: Disappointed? I guess?

Dean: Because that meant he really did just throw me away without a word

Dean: So, there's that, but I was also kind of relieved

Dean: Because if he's alive, then I still have a chance to make him acknowledge me. I can 

prove I’m strong. And… I can prove he was wrong to leave.

Dean: So thats fun to deal with and its made even better because I’m also angry and happy to see him. 

Dean: Like, I’m happy for, well, see above

Dean: But i'm also angry

Dean: Also because of reasons mentioned above

Dean: Sorry. I know I sorta ranted at you there

Sam: Don’t apologise. I asked because I wanted you to let it out. Honestly I would have preferred doing this in person, but Higuchi is having the black lizard launch an attack on the agency, cause they’re apparently gonna just keep getting in between us and the weretiger

Dean: … Don't those attacks normally end with you guys getting your asses handed to you?

Sam: Shut up

Dean: Have fun getting beat up 

Sam: I changed my mind. Say bye to your figs asshole

Dean: NO WAIT IM SORRY!

Sam: That's more like it 

Dean: And people say i'm the evil sibling

Sam: :)

Sam: Shoot, looks like we’re heading out now. See ya later, most likely after getting tossed out a window. Again 

Dean: Have fun lol

Sam: I'll stab you

Dean: Love you too

Dean: Oh, and Gin?

Dean: Thanks. For talking to me and letting me get that all out

Sam: Anytime Ryuu. We can talk more when I get home too, if you want.

Dean: ...I think I’d like that

Sam: See you soon big bro. Love you

We’re Supposed to be Professionals? LOL!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Hey, can someone come pick us up?

Mother ™: You're done shopping already? 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Well, yes but that's not why I need you to pick us up

Light Snow: ??? Explain??? 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Well the PM sent some lemon dude with bombs after us

Cowboy: Bombs?!?! A lemon man?!?! Wow, city life is so exciting :D

Onii-sama~: OMG are you okay? 

Light Snow: And Atsushi went with you too, didn’t he? Is he alright?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Yeah, I'm fine, but Atushi’s passed out. So’s the girl he seemingly picked up, someone tell the prez we’ve got another possible member/stray 

child to adopt 

President: Noted

Mother ™: Okay, hold on, what exactly happened? Why is Atsushi passed out? And what girl? 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Well, I got blown up by the lemon dude, healed myself, decked his ass, the train blew up and Atsushi jumped off said train WHILE IT WAS STILL MOVING 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: So yeah, business as usual but our ride blew up so can someone come bring us back to the agency? 

Light Snow: omw 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Bless

Mother ™: Wait, how did the girl come into play? 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: She was a member of the PM, and was apparently kicking Atushi’s ass for a bit before he beat her 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: But turns out that A. she wasn’t the one controlling her ability, it was some dude through a phone and B. She was strapped with a bomb, which got armed

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: She then proceeded to jump off the train to not take the rest of the passengers with her 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: But then ATSUSHI apparently decided jumping off trains is a fun hobby to look into so he jumped after her, got the bomb off, and fell into the river below 

Sherlock but Better: Damn, that is a convenient river

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Ikr, anyways so he passed out after dragging him and the girl out of the drink so now all 3 of us are stuck just sitting here and 2 of us are wet and passed out

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: tldr someone come pick us up. Now.

Onii-sama~: I'm coming as fast as I can, Yosano-san! - Big Brother

Onii-sama~: He’s driving but i'm keeping him updated bc honestly this story's kinda wild

Mother ™: Well, I believe we should just be grateful you’re both unharmed

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Grateful? I’m pissed! This was the worst shopping trip ever!

Onii-sama~: I'm sure it was traumatic Yosano-san but being angry will only make you feel worse right? - Big Brother

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Traumatic? Fuck that! Not only was I robbed of getting to treat anyone bc Atsushis stupid tiger healed him and the girl was fine from the start

Onii-sama~: Wait THAT’S what you’re upset about?!?!? 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: But worst of all, MY DAMN SHOPPING BAGS GOT BLOWN UP ON THE TRAIN!!!!

Onii-sama~: Are… are you for real? 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: NEXT PM MEMBER I SEE IS GETTING THE TREATMENT OF THEIR DAMN LIVES!!!! 

Onii-sama~: ... and suddenly I feel bad for the port mafia - Big Brother but I second that notion RIP the mafia

Chapter Text

Kunikida’s Headache has created the chat The Government's Future Aneurysm

Kunikida’s Headache has added Sushi, Mother ™ + 17 others 

President: Seeing as we are in an alliance for the time being, I decided it was best to have a place for easy communication between our two groups

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: *cough* without anyone trying to kill each other *cough*

President: Yes, that too

Boss: I see no problems with this. 

Kunikida’s Headache: Glad we’ve got your approval

Notice Me: I could feel that eye roll from here

TriggerFinger: Oh shit, new GC? And with the agency? Cool

Chu Chu Motherfucker: This is gonna be a fucking nightmare

Kunikida’s Headache: Aww come on, Chibi~ Don’t be a spoilsport

Chu Chu Motherfucker: It's not being a spoilsport, asshole, it's being a realist. And the reality is that anything involving you ends up being a fucking nightmare

Kunikida’s Headache: Love you too Slug

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Choke :)

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: He’d probably like that tbh

Kunikida’s Headache: Kinky

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: See?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I will drop kick your ass into the sun the next time I see you

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Also, what the actual fuck is your name, Mackeral?

Mother™: Don’t ask

Sushi: Um, speaking of names, should we maybe all introduce ourselves? So we know who’s who? I’m Atsushi Nakajima btw

P!ATD(ead body): Shut up jinko

Sushi: K, so that's Akutagawa

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: pfft hes got you there Ryuu. Also the names Gin, member of the Black lizards

TriggerFinger: Tachihara, the better black lizards member

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You wanna fuckin go Tachi?

TriggerFinger: I'm ready anytime

Grandpa: That's enough you two

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: fine

TriggerFinger: yeah, okay

Grandpa: Good. Also I am Hirotsu, leader of the black lizards

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Yosano, the agency’s doctor. Let me know if you have any injuries :)

Light Snow: Is that how you introduce yourself to everyone? Also, I’m Tanizaki

Onii-sama~: And I’m his little sister, Naomi!

Notice Me: I’m Higuchi. I believe we met before… sorry for shooting you

Onii-sama~: Meh, it’s cool. Just don't do it again

Onii-sama~: And stay away from my brother or they won't find the body :)

Notice Me: Y-yes ma’am

Cowboy: Whoa, there's another group chat! City life sure is something! Hello everyone! My name is Kenji :D

TheResponsibleOne: Well, he seems like a sweet child. Also, my name is Kouyou Ozaki. 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Ane-san! Are you okay?

TheResponsibleOne: I’m fine lad. The agency is treating me quite kindly. The young weretiger even went and bought me some tempura

Sushi: Of course. You're not doing anything bad and you said you wanted it, so why wouldn’t I?

Boss: Aw, I like this one! Can we keep him?

Sushi: Um?!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Don’t worry kid. That’s Elise, not the boss

Sushi: Oh, ok… whose Elise? And who are you? Dazai-san called you “chibi”, right?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Remind me to kill him later

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Anyways, Elise is the boss’s ability. As for me, the names Chuuya Nakahara

Sushi: Oh! Okay! Nice to meet you!

Sherlock but Better: I leave my phone for 5 minutes and suddenly I have like a million notifications. What the hell did I miss?

Mother™: Ranpo-san! Please refrain from using vulgarity in this chat! 

Sherlock but Better: Nah, fuck that. 

Sherlock but Better: Also, I’m Edogawa Ranpo, world’s greatest detective

Mother™: I can already feel a headache coming along. Regardless, I am Doppo Kunikida, a member of the Armed Detective Agency. Please conduct yourselves appropriately, and try not to disgrace whichever organization you work for.

Kunikida’s Headache: Yes, yes Kunikida-kun, everybody’s taking this GC very seriously. No goofing around.

Kunikida’s Headache: Now then. Hi everyone, it’s everybody's favorite agency member~ Dazai!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: The only ‘favorite’ you are to me is as a punching bag

Kunikida’s Headache: So mean Chibi!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I had to deal with your bullshit for years. The fact that I haven’t killed you yet is proof I’m practically a saint

Mother™: Wait, you were this idiot's partner before?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Unfortunately

Mother™: I am so sorry. I’ve only had him 2 years and I’m already pretty sure I’ve had decades shaved off my life because of his antics

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Does that mean you’re the one dealing with him now? You poor bastard.

Kunikida’s Headache: Wait, how did this become a bonding session between you two about bullying me :(

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You have literally zero room to talk about messing with others. Get a taste of your own medicine asshole

Mother™: Indeed. Did he constantly ruin schedules and cause chaos for you as well? 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: God, yes. I literally could not get him to a meeting on time unless I physically dragged him there. And even then he normally left after like a minute!

Mother™: Finally. Someone who understands. Can I treat you to a coffee so we can continue this conversation? I must admit I would enjoy airing grievances about that menace. It would probably be beneficial for both our mental states

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I’ll DM you, I know a good place

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY! Why are you guys ganging up on me?!?! (ಥ﹏ಥ) 

Notice Me: Dear god. He uses kaomojis

Cowboy: I don’t know what that is! :D Or who you are!

Notice Me: Oh, I’m Ichiyo Higuchi

Cowboy: Nice to meet you :D

Notice Me: Likewise. Anyways Kaomojis are the abominations like the one Dazai sent

Cowboy: Oh, the face? Wow thats neat Dazai-san

Kunikida’s Headache: FINALLY SOMEONE ON MY SIDE!

LEMON!!!: GREETINGS ALL!!! I AM KAJII, A PURSUER OF SCIENCE!!!!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Aren’t you the guy I knocked out on the train?

LEMON!!!: … Gotta blast!

Sushi: Welp. At least now we know who’s who.

P!ATD(ead body): Shut up, jinko

Sushi: Is that just all you can say or… ?

P!ATD(ead body): No, you simply need to shut up

Sushi: Well then

Mother™: I concur with Chuuya's earlier statement. This is going to be a nightmare.

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Kunikida’s Headache: So, since this thing already exists, why don't we have a little fun with it?

Mother™: Dear god no

Kunikida’s Headache: Kunikida-kun! Mean!

Mother™: There has not been a single thing you have proposed as ‘fun’ since joining the agency that did not result in property damage and the complete destruction of my schedule

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Ah, so some things never change then

TheResponsibleOne: It would seem so, unfortunately

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Guess he’s always been like this then?

Grandpa: Indeed he has

Kunikida’s Headache: You’re all bullies!

Kunikida’s Headache: NE ways, what I was going to say was that we should play an icebreaker game, like FMK or truth or dare

Sushi: Whats FMK?

P!ATD(ead body): You cannot be that ignorant

Sushi: Hey, the first time I even used a phone was like three weeks ago! I’m still learning!

TriggerFinger: Wait, you didn’t have a phone before?

Sushi: I was in an orphanage until recently, and they weren’t exactly handing out iphones

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Fair

Cowboy: I’m also still learning! The technology of city living is so exciting!

Kunikida’s Headache: Going back to Atsushi’s question, FMK is fuck, marry, kill. Basically, your given three people and you have to choose who you’d do which with

Sushi: Oh

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: So, anyone know why Atsushi just blushed brighter than a tomato?

Light Snow: Scroll up

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Ah, I see. Dazai, I think you broke the kid

Kunikida’s Headache: Whoops

P!ATD(ead body): Good

Mother™: Dazai! This is not an appropriate game to play, especially with minors in the chat!

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh, come on! Kenji doesn’t know what it means and Gin’s cool with it, right?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yeah, I’m cool with it. Sounds fun

Mother™: Our boss and the port mafia’s leader are in this chat!

President: Thank you for the consideration, Kunikida, but you all can do as you like. There's no need to hold back on my account.

Boss: Rintarou’s off doing whatever the hell, so go for it. Honestly I could use some entertainment

Kunikida’s Headache: That sounds like approval to me, eh Kunikida-kuuuuuun?

Mother™: Lord give me patience

Sushi: Isn’t it lord give me strength?

P!ATD(ead body): Well look who's not dead. What a shame

Sushi: Do you only use this thing to trash talk me or...?

P!ATD(ead body): No, you only perceive it as such because you are constantly doing things that warrant deprecation

Sushi: K first off, tone it down with the edgelord Shakespeare talk

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Edgelord Shakespeare

Sushi: Second, I hate you

Chu Chu Motherfucker: If we got strength, the bandaged bastard would’ve been dead a long time ago

Mother™: Indeed

Kunikida’s Headache: Bullies, the both of you! anyways, we doing this or what?

Sherlock but Better: Your not gonna take no for an answer, so I guess so

Kunikida’s Headache: Sweet! So, Akutagawa-kun

P!ATD(ead body): Yes Dazai-san.

Kunikida’s Headache: FMK, Atsushi, Kouyou, that blond twink who runs the guild

P!ATD(ead body): ...Dazai-san why? I work with one of those people

Kunikida’s Headache: It’s fun :)

Chu Chu Motherfucker: There is no word in the english language that fully encapsulates how much of a bastard you are

P!ATD(ead body): Obviously kill the guild leader, since he’s our enemy. Marry Kouyou-san and 

P!ATD(ead body): Damnit, cant I kill the jinko too?

Sushi: Literally what have I ever done to you?!?!

P!ATD(ead body): Existed

Sushi: I can’t win here, can I?

Kunikida’s Headache: Nope! Now, we’re waiting Akutagawa-kuuuuuun~

P!ATD(ead body): Fine… f the jinko

P!ATD(ead body): DONT YOU DARE LOOK TO DEEPLY INTO THIS WERETIGER!

P!ATD(ead body): Literally the only reason I didn’t kill you is that killing the leader would be relevant to my mission

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, what about marry?

P!ATD(ead body): Gin, istg

P!ATD(ead body): I’m gay, so it would be incredibly akward to… choose Kouyou for that particular act, so marriage was the only option for her

Sushi: Your gay? Huh

P!ATD(ead body): Do you have a problem with it?

Sushi: It’d be a little hypocritical if I did since im bi

P!ATD(ead body): wait, really? Huh

Kunikida’s Headache: @ThouShaltNotBotherMe Do you see this? Do You See This?!?! ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Yes, yes. Don’t get your hopes up though, they’re both kind of slow

Sushi: Slow at what?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Nothing sweetie, now who’s next?

P!ATD(ead body): Gin

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I will remind you we live together, and I can easily make you regret anything you are about to say 

P!ATD(ead body): Yeah, sure. Anyways, FMK Higuchi, Tachihara, the weretiger

Sushi: Why’d I get dragged into this again?

P!ATD(ead body): I like to see you suffer

Sherlock but Better: kinky

P!ATD(ead body): NOT LIKE THAT

Sushi: ??? I have no idea what that means???

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Thank god for that. Now, Gin, your up

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Uh…

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Marry Higuchi, cause she’s cute and seems like she’d be chill so… yeah

Notice Me: Really? You think I’m cute?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yeah, of course! I mean, have you seen yourself? 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Your also really kind, not to mention super loyal to the people you care about

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Your also a total badass and have really pretty eyes and

Grandpa: I believe there are two options left, Gin-san

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Thank you. That was getting painful

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh, right! Sorry

P!ATD(ead body): Gay

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Don’t even start with me. You know who is still in this chat and I will expose you.

P!ATD(ead body): … You wouldn’t dare

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: We both know I would. Anyways, I guess kill Tachi and fuck the weretiger. You should feel honored

Sushi: I

Sushi: Why was I picked twice for this???

TriggerFinger: Why kill me?!?!?! He was literally our target like a week ago!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yes, but he didn’t steal my Oreo’s now, did he?

LEMON!!!: You took her food? Your lucky to be alive, my friend.

Light Snow: Damn, the first time he isn’t using all caps and ending everything with exclamation points. What the hell happened

LEMON!!!: I dare not say

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Smart man :)

LEMON!!!: gotta blast!

Light Snow: I fear

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: :) :) :)

Chapter Text

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Chu Chu Motherfucker: DAZAI IM GONNA KILL YOU!!!!

Boss: Ah, so business as usual then.

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh, come on. It’s not that bad

Sushi: Wait, what did Dazai-san do Nakahara-san?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Chuuya’s fine kid. Also THIS ASSHOLE 

TheResponsibleOne: And here we go

Chu Chu Motherfucker: He left me PASSED OUT in a forest after I asked him to at least take me to the extraction!

Kunikida’s Headache: You were fine! Plus, I was even nice enough to bring the atrocity of a fashion statement you choose to put on your head back to you. 

Kunikida’s Headache: If anything, you should be thanking me

Chu Chu Motherfucker: THERE WERE STILL ENEMIES AROUND!!!

Kunikida’s Headache: Meh, you were fine

Sushi: Dazai-san, that wasn’t very nice… although, may I ask why you fell asleep in the first place Nakahara-san?

Sushi: I mean Chuuya-san! Sorry! And you don’t have to answer if you don't want to!

P!ATD(ead body): Quit panicking jinko. It’s pathetic

P!ATD(ead body): Which is admittedly par for the course with you but still

Sushi: I don’t want to be rude! Sue me!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: It’s no problem kid. Also, I used a certain technique that makes me really strong for a bit, but takes a lot out of me once its over. I normally pass out after I use it.

Sushi: Oh, okay. Thank you for sharing with us :)

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Literally how are you the mackerel's student

Sushi: ?

TheResponsibleOne: It does seem odd, doesn’t it

Sushi: ??? 

Sushi: Why would I not be Dazai-san’s student?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You seem way too pure. Not to mention your super polite and respectful unlike some ungrateful pricks

Kunikida’s Headache: Why do I get bullied every time we use this chat! No fair!

Mother ™: It is absolutely fair, and you completely deserve it

Kunikida’s Headache: Kunikida!  Not you too ( ╥ω╥ )

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I am literally begging you to stop with those

Kunikida’s Headache: No ( ◕▿◕ )

Light Snow: Know my pain Gin. Know my pain

Sushi: Um, actually Chuuya-san, Dazai-san has taken really good care of me! He can be… inconsistent with his paperwork, but he’s really a nice person! 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa : Say what now

Sushi: I’m really glad I met him, and everyone else at the agency :)

Chu Chu Motherfucker: … Is that so

Chuuya Nakahara to Osamu Dazai

Missed Growth Spurt: alright bastard, listen up

Mummified Moron: How am I supposed to do that when Chibi has to talk from all the way down there?

Missed Growth Spurt: Fucking-

Missed Growth Spurt: You know what, I’ll get you back for that later. There’s bigger fish to fry

Mummified Moron: Well, any fish seems big to you, so you’ll have to be more specific

Missed Growth Spurt: Alright thats it! Where are you, you bastard?! I’m killing you when we’re done with this!

Mummified Moron: Oh? And what might this be, Slug?

Missed Growth Spurt: The kid

Mummified Moron: … K, your gonna need to give me a little more to go on here

Missed Growth Spurt: Your new apprentice

Mummified Moron: Atsushi-kun? What about him?

Missed Growth Spurt: Unless he’s lying, you seem to be treating him well. Your actually mentoring him.

Mummified Moron: I am. What’s your point?

Missed Growth Spurt: My point is, he seems like a really good kid. So let me make this clear

Missed Growth Spurt: If you hurt this kid, or fuck him up like you did with Akutagawa. Missed Growth Spurt: If I find out you’ve started treating him the way you used to treat, well, everyone, but especially Ryuunosuke

Missed Growth Spurt: I will make you pay. I’m serious. No playing around, no games, no bullshit. You’ll wish you’d never been born

Mummified Moron: Such big threats from a little Chibi

Missed Growth Spurt: I’m dead serious Dazai. Don’t test me on this

Mummified Moron: My, my, does Chibi have no faith in me as a mentor?

Missed Growth Spurt: Do you want an actual answer to that question?

Mummified Moron: Hey! 

Mummified Moron: ...

Mummified Moron: I’m not going to hurt him. I promise

Missed Growth Spurt: You’ll have to forgive me for not taking your word on that. Four years dealing with your bullshit taught me better.

Mummified Moron: I won’t . I don’t plan on hurting people like that in general anymore. Not unless their literally attacking me, anyways, and even then I’m trying to be… better

Mummified Moron: I left the PM and joined the agency to try to become a better man. A good man, or as close to good as someone like me can get

Mummified Moron: Taking Atsushi-kun in is part of that. Protecting orphans and all that, you know? I’m trying to do better with him, to not make the same mistakes

Mummified Moron: So no. I’m not going to hurt him. Not intentionally at least

Missed Growth Spurt: Your serious

Mummified Moron: I am

Missed Growth Spurt: … God, I must be an idiot. I can’t believe I actually believe you 

Mummified Moron: Well, Chibi’s definitely an idiot

Missed Growth Spurt: Oi!

Mummified Moron: But not about this. 

Missed Growth Spurt: … *sigh* fine. I’m holding you to that promise

Mummified Moron: I’d expect no less

Mummified Moron: Also, did you really just type out “sigh”?

Missed Growth Spurt: SHUT

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Sushi: Chuuya-san? Dazai-san? Is everything alright?

Kunikida’s Headache: Fear not Atsushi-kun! Your beloved mentor has returned!

Sushi: Oh, there you are. You and Nakahara-san went quiet for a while, so I got worried

Kunikida’s Headache: Don’t worry! Me and Chibi were just talking about how Chibi’s so short lol

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Alright where are you, asshole!

Kunikida’s Headache: You’ll never know~

Sherlock but Better: He’s at the agency, lying on the couch

Kunikida’s Headache: Ranpo-san! The betrayal!

Notice Me: Top 10 Anime Betrayals

Sherlock but Better: He’s also not doing his paperwork @Mother ™

Kunikida’s Headache: wait no

Mother ™: Dazai! Those had better be done by the end of the day!

Kunikida’s Headache: But Kunikiiiiiiida-kuuuuun!

Kunikida’s Headache: Paperworks so boooooring!

Mother ™: I don’t care if it comes alive and rips your arm off while you're writing.

Mother ™: Get. It. Done.

Kunikida’s Headache: :(

Kunikida’s Headache: Ne~ Atsushi-kuuuuuun~

Sushi: Nope. Sorry Dazai-san, but I’ve got my own work to do

Kunikida’s Headache: Boo! Your no fun!

P!ATD(ead body): I take it he has you do his paperwork as well then?

Sushi: You dealt with this too?

P!ATD(ead body): Indeed

Sushi: Never thought I’d say this, but I’m so sorry

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey! Now even my apprentices are bullying me! My lifes so unfair! .｡･ﾟﾟ･(＞_＜)･ﾟﾟ･｡

ThouShaltNotBotherMe : Dazai istg 

Onii-sama~: Stop with the Kaomoji’s!

Light Snow: Please

Kunikida’s Headache: Never! 

Mother ™: Get back to work Dazai!!!!

Ryuunosuke Akutagawa to Atsushi Nakajima

Lawnmower: Hey

Jinko: Hey?

Jinko: It’s rare for you to text me. Or interact with me more than strictly necessary, actually. Whats up?

Lawnmower: Were you being truthful about what you said in the group chat?

Jinko: Truthful? About what?

Lawnmower: I’m referring to what you said about Dazai-san. And his treatment of you.

Jinko: What, about how he’s been nice to me? Yeah, why?

Lawnmower: ... Nothing. Forget I said anything.

Jinko: Uh, yeah, that's not happening. You wouldn’t go from avoiding me like the plague to texting me at

Jinko: 2 in the morning, jfc what are you even doing up?

Lawnmower: That is none of your concern. Besides, I could ask you the same question.

Jinko: Couldn’t sleep, so I was watching youtube. What's your excuse?

Lawnmower: …

Lawnmower: My sister insisted that I accompany her to a rock concert

Jinko: … No way

Lawnmower: I swear I will stop trying to kill you for the rest of my life if you get me out of this hellhole. The next plebeian that bumps into me is getting a Rashomon to the back, and I can not be held responsible for it

Jinko: …

Lawnmower: ...

Lawnmower: Your laughing at me right now, aren’t you

Jinko: What me? Noooooo

Lawnmower: I’ve changed my mind. Get me out of here or not, I’m stabbing you the next time I see you

Jinko: yeah, ok lol

Jinko: Seriously though, can’t you just tell Gin you want to leave?

Lawnmower: I did . She said, and I quote “No. This is good for your antisocial ass”

Jinko: I mean, where's the lie though

Lawnmower: I will eviscerate you

Jinko: Ok, Ok, fine. Tell her you're hungry and want to get some... dinner? Breakfast? Breakner? Whatever meal you’d call food at 2 AM

Lawnmower: I do not require food, or anything else. I am perfectly capable without assistance from anyone

Jinko: K, tone it down there, emo boy

Lawnmower: What did you just call me?

Jinko: Where are you rn?

Lawnmower: A very large field

Lawnmower sent their location

Lawnmower: Also, you did not answer my question

Jinko: Dang, your really in the middle of nowhere, huh

Lawnmower: You’re avoiding my question aren’t you?

Jinko: K, if you head south for like 10 miles, you'll hit a little shopping district. There’s a really good tea shop there where you can grab a bite to eat 

Lawnmower: I told you, I do not need food

Jinko: Look, fact is you’ve got 2 options: 1. Stay at the concert, surrounded by loud, shouting, sweaty “plebeians” until either the concert ends, and who knows when that’ll be, or you stab someone and possibly get arrested

Jinko: 2. Go get some food, where there are less people, and most likely nobody shouting or bumping into you

Jinko: I promise this place is good. It’s small, but it's open at all hours, the prices are fair, and if it was calm when I was there during lunch then you’ll definitely get some peace and quiet at this time of the... night? Morning? 

Jinko: Gah, you know what I mean!

Lawnmower: … What's stopping me from claiming I want food, and then heading home?

Jinko: Me threatening to tell your sister that that’s a real possibility so she goes with you. Jinko: You know, to make sure you don’t get lost :)

Lawnmower: I despise you

Jinko: Your welcome

Jinko: Oh yeah I forgot to ask btw

Jinko: How’re your injuries?

Lawnmower: Their fine. I’m ready for a mission at any time

Jinko: yeah, kinda figured you’d say that

Jinko: Still though, take care of yourself, K?
Lawnmower: … Why do you care? I got these injuries trying to kill you and Kyoka

Jinko: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I like the idea that you're hurt thanks to me. Just cause we fought, doesn’t mean I hate you, let alone want you in constant pain

Jinko: That’s just messed up

Lawnmower: … That’s the mentality of a fool who will one day be stabbed in the back by an enemy they were naive enough to trust

Jinko: Yeah, ok, whatever. Just take care of yourself, lawnmower

Lawnmower: Don't call me that jinko.

Jinko: lol, no. btw have you made your Dramatic Exit yet?

Lawnmower: I have. I believe I see the shop you were referring to

Jinko: Oh, cool. You should try their figgy pudding, its great

Lawnmower: They have figgy pudding?

Jinko: Uh... yeah? Dang, that was like, instant

Jinko: Wait, do you like figs?

Lawnmower: No, why would you suggest that

Jinko: You totally do! 

Lawnmower: And what would it matter if I did?

Jinko: It wouldn’t really, i'm just kinda happy I found out something normal about you

Lawnmower: Normal?

Jinko: Yeah, you know. Something about you that isn’t just “I want to kill the jinko” 

Jinko: Makes it easier to see you as a person instead of just some crazy guy trying to kill/kidnap/whatever you guys were gonna do with me when I actually know something about you

Lawnmower: … I see

Lawnmower: My food is arriving. I will be ending this conversation

Jinko: K, enjoy your figs. I’m gonna try to sleep before tomorrow… today… oh whatever. You know what I mean!

Lawnmower: Your idiocy is truly immeasurable

Jinko: Whatever. Night, jerk

Lawnmower: Good riddance, fool

Jinko has gone offline

Lawnmower: … 

Lawnmower: And thanks

Chapter Text

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Boss: @Kunikida’s Headache

Kunikida’s Headache: what do you want 

Kunikida’s Headache: Actually, I don't care. I’m busy 

Boss: Now, is that anyway to address your former boss?

Kunikida’s Headache has left The Government's Future Aneurysm

Boss: Wait Wait!

Boss has added Kunikida’s Headache to The Government's Future Aneurysm

Kunikida’s Headache: What. The. Fuck. 

Kunikida’s Headache: Do. You. WANT?!

Boss: Well, do you remember how our organizations came to an agreement that the mafia will not interfere with whatever the agency does to counteract the guild?

Kunikida’s Headache: What did you do

Boss: Hey! I didn’t do anything!

Boss: He went on the ship himself, I didn’t order him to go!

Light Snow: Wait, who's on what ship?

Boss: Akutagawa. He infiltrated the Moby Dick on his own a little while ago

Boss: Honestly, with how capable he is, you should all be rejoicing. It seems the mafia will be doing your job for you

Light Snow: ...

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: …

Onii-sama~: …

Sherlock but Better: …

Mother™: …

President: …

Kunikida’s Headache: ...

Boss: What?

Cowboy: Oh, Akutagawa-san is on the big whale ship too? Wow! Maybe he and Atsushi-san will run into each other and say hi! :D

Boss: Wait, the weretiger is already on the ship?

Kunikida’s Headache: Yep

Boss: … 

Boss: Oh

We’re Supposed to be Professionals? LOL!

Sushi: @Kunikida’s Headache You knew, didn’t you

Kunikida’s Headache: Why whatever do you mean Atsushi-kun?

Sushi:  Dazai-san with all due respect, why do you hate me?

Kunikida’s Headache: Such slander! From my own pupil! 

Kunikida’s Headache: Heart done been broke so many times

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I fucking hate you

Kunikida’s Headache: (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Light Snow: Stop using those! PLEASE!

Kunikida’s Headache: Not happening (◕‿◕)

Light Snow: Kill me

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey! Stop stealing my brand!

Sushi: K, while this chaos is all well and good can we geT BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND?!?!

Kunikida’s Headache: And what topic might that be Atsushi-kun?

Sushi: There is no way you didn’t know this would happen

Onii-sama~: That what would happen Atsushi?

Sushi: Oh, I don't know, just the itty bitty fact that AKUTAGAWA IS ON THIS SHIP!

Sherlock but Better: Oh yeah, we forgot to mention that to you, huh

Sushi: Wait what?

Sherlock but Better: Check the ADA + PM GC

Sushi: …

Sushi: I hate everything

Sushi: At this point, I might just let him kill me

Kunikida’s Headache: Aw, come on Atsushi-kun! Maybe this’ll be good for you 2!

Kunikida’s Headache: You can try to work as a team instead of trying to kill each other!

Sushi: See, thats nice in theory, but it's a little hard when he literally attacked me pretty much the instant he saw me

Sherlock but Better: How much you want to bet they screamed each others names the second they saw each other

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Nothing cause I know better then to make a bet with you ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Besides even I already knew that one

Sushi: Ranpo-san, Yosano-san! Why are you betting on this while I’m 30,000 feet in the air fighting for my life?!?!

Sherlock but Better: Meh, it doesn’t hurt to check. Hey @Kunikida’s Headache You were talking to Atsushi with a headset, right? What was the first thing they did when they saw each other

Kunikida’s Headache: You already know the answer Ranpo-san. 

Kunikida’s Headache: Did you really need to scream that loud Atsushi-kun? My poor ears are still ringing

Sushi: Look, I’m sorry about your ears but could you pleASE HELP ME

Kunikida’s Headache: Alright, alright. I’ve got a plan

Mafia Mofos  

P!ATD(ead body): I cannot fucking believe

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: ??? Believe what???

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Also, where the hell are you? You were supposed to be back like an hour ago

Chu Chu Motherfucker: To be fair, it's kind of funny

P!ATD(ead body): Chuuya-san why

TriggerFinger: Wait, whats going on?

Boss: Read our group chat with the agency

Boss: Also, this is your own fault for rushing in, Akutagawa-kun

P!ATD(ead body): … yes boss

P!ATD(ead body): But was there no alternative punishment? One that was a little more pleasant? 

P!ATD(ead body): Like getting hit by a car?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: OK. hold up. What’s this?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: nvm I just looked at the other chat and 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: HAHAHAHAAHAAH

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: So how’s your trip going Ryuu?

P!ATD(ead body): I’m throwing you out a window when we get home

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Bitch, I am home. I’m just waiting for you to finish your mission and say bye to your boyf

P!ATD(ead body): My WHAT

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Boyf. It means boyfriend. Gosh, get with the times old man

Grandpa: Who was insulting me?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Not you Hirotsu-san, I was talking about Ryuu not knowing when I’m talking about his little tiger boyf

Notice Me: The fact that Hirotsu immediately thought he was being insulted cause she said old man

P!ATD(ead body): There Are Not and will Be No boyfs here, thank you very much

TriggerFinger: lol, keep telling yourself that buddy

P!ATD(ead body): I’m killing you all when this is over

Notice Me: So, whats happening rn? Are you okay?

P!ATD(ead body): Of course I’m okay

Notice Me: Right, sorry senpai

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, but how are you actually

P!ATD(ead body): I’m fine!

P!ATD(ead body): Aside from being stuck on the WORLD'S SLOWEST ELEVATOR EVER

Chu Chu Motherfucker: K, your gonna have to expand a bit on that one

P!ATD(ead body): *sigh*

P!ATD(ead body): So, I infiltrated the ship with no problems and thought I was going to have a simple mission, but then the damn Jinko showed up out of nowhere

P!ATD(ead body): He then proceeds to run off and after walking around this whole damn ship, I find him getting his ass beat by the guild leader, like the weakling he is

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Didn’t that “weakling” beat you?

P!ATD(ead body): MOVING ON
P!ATD(ead body): So I then fought with the guild leader before making a tactful retreat

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: AKA He ran away

TriggerFinger: Oh, absolutely

LEMONS!!!: All evidence indicates he definitely turned tail and ran

P!ATD(ead body): Just wait till I get back! I’m slaughtering all of you!

P!ATD(ead body): ANYWAYS, after retreating. 

P!ATD(ead body): NOT running away, retreating

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Whatever helps you sleep at night

P!ATD(ead body): Me and the Jinko decided to go to the top floor. To have more open space to fight our opponent, you know? So we took an elevator

P!ATD(ead body): Except THIS ELEVATOR MAKES SNAILS LOOK LIKE FUCKING NASCAR!

TriggerFinger: And if you look to your left, ladies and gentlemen, you’ll see the fearsome rabid dog of the port mafia being defeated by his most fearsome opponent yet.

TriggerFinger: An incredibly slow elevator

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Pffffft

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wheres the lie though

Notice Me: … No offense senpai, but this is kind of funny

P!ATD(ead body): SHUT UP HIGUCHI

Notice Me: Sorry!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Chill

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Also, wait. Isn’t the weretiger in there with you?

P!ATD(ead body): Yes

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh, thats beautiful

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: What are you guys doing? Fighting?

P!ATD(ead body): ...No

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Wait, then what are you doing during this oh so lengthy elevator ride? It’s not like you can just stand in opposite corners like misbehaving preschoolers

P!ATD(ead body): …

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You’re not, right?

P!ATD(ead body): …

Notice Me: Senpai?

P!ATD(ead body): ...

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ryuu

P!ATD(ead body): It was the best way to stop us from fighting, okay!

TriggerFinger: Pffffftttt

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

LEMONS!!!: HAHAHAHA 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I can not fucking believe

Grandpa: That’s rather amusing to picture

P!ATD(ead body): Shut

P!ATD(ead body): Oh thank christ we’re finally at the top. You better start praying cause when I get down there I’m coming for your asses @TriggerFinger @Notice Me @TheSuperiorAkutagawa @LEMONS!!!

Notice Me: Wait, why me? I didn’t laugh!

P!ATD(ead body): Fine

LEMONS!!!: BULLSHIT SHE WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME ON THE FLOOR IN TEARS!!!

P!ATD(ead body): HIGUCHI!!!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Now now, someone’s sounding a little cranky. Do we need to put you back in time out

TriggerFinger: HAHaHahahHA

P!ATD(ead body): I hate you all

We’re Supposed to be Professionals? LOL!

Sushi has added Bunnies and Boiled Tofu to the chat

Sushi: Now that your officially a member, welcome to the ADA group chat Kyoka-chan!!!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Ah, so this is the GC you told me about

Light Snow: Oh, hey Kyoka! Congrats! This is Tanizaki btw

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I know. I memorized the list Atsushi gave me of everyone’s chat names

Sushi: You memorized it? You looked at it for like 5 seconds

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes

Sushi: Well alright then

Cowboy: Hi Kyoka-chan! Congrats on your exam :D

Cowboy: We’re the only kids, so lets be friends okay? :D

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Thank you. I’d like that very much

Onii-sama~: Hey, don’t hog her Kenji! I wanna be friends with Kyoka too!

Light Snow: Same

Light Snow: Only if you want, of course. We won’t force you if you don’t want to :)

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Really?

Onii-sama~: You bet!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Oh

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: In that case I would like that too :)

Onii-sama~: Yay!

Kunikida’s Headache: Kyoka-chan! Welcome (officially) to the ADA ☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Thank you for the welcome, and for what you said back on the airship. I really needed to hear it

Kunikida’s Headache: Happy to help :)

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: However, please never assault my eyes with kaomoji’s ever again

Light Snow: THANK YOU

Kunikida’s Headache: Boo, its less fun when I’m saying no to Kyoka-chan :(

Kunikida’s Headache: I’m still gonna do it though ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Damnit

Mother™: Kyoka-chan! I expected better from you! As a member of the ADA, it is unacceptable to use such vulgar language, especially at your age!

Sherlock but Better: Don’t listen to him kid, you do whatever the fuck you want

Mother™: Ranpo-san please!

President: Hello, Kyoka. I am happy to see you already making yourself at home with the agency. We’re happy to have you

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Thank you sir. I’ll do my best

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: We know you will sweetheart 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Also, if you ever need anything, treatment or otherwise, don’t hesitate to ask. 

Sushi: She’s right! We all love you and are happy to help :)

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Thank you very much

Onii-sama~: Alright, which one of you lil shits made our new baby bunny cry

Sushi: Ah, did I? I was only trying to tell her that we all care about her

Sushi: I’m sorry for upsetting you Kyoka-chan!

Onii-sama~: Nvm, carry on Atsushi

Sushi: ?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: dw about it

Sushi: ??? K ???

Chapter Text

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Sushi added Bunnies and Boiled Tofu to The Government's Future Aneurysm

TheResponsibleOne: Kyoka!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Hello Kouyou-san

TheResponsibleOne: How have you been! Are you safe? Have you been eating well?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Slow down there, Ane-san

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I’m guessing the kid adding you means you're with the ADA now?

President: Indeed. She is our newest member

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes. Everyone has been very kind to me

TriggerFinger: To be fair, it hasn’t even been a full day

TheResponsibleOne: But you're happy there?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes. I’m very happy :)

Notice Me: Um, so does anyone know why Kouyou-san just burst into tears in the hall

TheResponsibleOne: DoNt WoRRy abOUt It

Grandpa: Are you quite alright Kouyou-san?

TheResponsibleOne: Yes. My apologies, I’m just truly happy to see that Kyoka’s found a place in the light

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: ?

TheResponsibleOne: Don’t worry about it sweetheart

TheResponsibleOne: Oh, that reminds me. @Sushi

P!ATD(ead body): And suddenly your ridiculous nickname makes sense

Sushi: Hey! I didn’t pick it, Dazai-san set up my phone!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You trusted him with that?

Sushi: I learned very quickly never to repeat that mistake

Chu Chu Mutherfucker: Smart kid

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey!

Sushi: Ah, sorry Kouyou-san! You wanted to say something to me?

TheResponsibleOne: I just wanted to thank you for fulfilling my request. Back when we spoke in your building?

Sushi: Oh! You don’t need to thank me, I was planning to do it anyways, after all :)

TheResponsibleOne: I trust you and your fellow agency members to look after Kyoka

Sushi: Yes ma’am

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Kouyou-san…

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Thank you

Onii-sama~: Alright, who made the child cry again

Onii-sama~: It hasn’t even been a full day!

TheResponsibleOne: Ah, I believe that was my doing

TheResponsibleOne: Wait. Did you say again?

Sherlock but Better: Yeah, Atsushi made her cry like an hour ago

TheResponsibleOne: @Sushi where are you lad I just want to talk

Sushi: I fear

P!ATD(ead body): Welp, looks like the Jinko’s out of my hair now

TriggerFinger: Nice knowing you, kid

Kunikida’s Headache: K, before I’m down a mentee, I’m just gonna interject here that they were tears of joy cause he was telling her how much everyone in the ADA cares about her

TheResponsibleOne: Ah, carry on then

Sushi: Why does everyone keep saying that?!?!?

Chuuya Nakahara to Osamu Dazai

Missed Growth Spurt: Gonna hope this doesn’t need to be said, but that promise about Atsushi? I’m gonna need you to make another one about Kyoka

Missed Growth Spurt: That little farmer kid too while we’re at it

Mummified Moron: So little trust :(

Missed Growth Spurt: Yes and?

Mummified Moron: Mean!

Mummified Moron: Also yes, I promise

Mummified Moron: I thought I made it clear that I’m trying to be better at how I treat people anyways, but apparently that atrocious hat has eaten enough of your brain cells to make you forget

Missed Growth Spurt: Gonna beat your ass for that one later, but good. That’s all I wanted

Mummified Moron: Good

Missed Growth Spurt: Why’d you do that anyways?

Mummified Moron: Why’d I what?

Missed Growth Spurt: You’re a smart enough bastard to know what I’m talking about. I’ve known you since pretty much day one of your time with the mafia. You didn’t give a damn about what you did or who you did it to. So what changed?

Mummified Moron: …

Mummified Moron: My my, is Chibi interested in my personal life now? So bold

Missed Growth Spurt: If it’s something too personal to talk about, then just say so. But I’ve dealt with your stupid games long enough to know when your dodging a question

Mummified Moron: …

Mummified Moron: Its not a story I can really tell over text

Missed Growth Spurt: but you’ll tell me if it’s not over text?

Mummified Moron: That depends

Missed Growth Spurt: On what?

Mummified Moron: On if your windows open

Missed Growth Spurt: What the hELkjfdkjfdsbjku

Chuuya removed his hand from his phone before any more key smashing occurred, and nearly threw his phone out the window. Or more specifically, at the man climbing into his house through the window. On the third fucking floor.

“Jesus Christ! You scared the hell out of me you bastard” the red head said, aiming a glare at his intruder. The brunette across from him only smiled and gave the same cheery “Hiiiiii Chibiiiiiii!” that he always did. Chuuya’s eye twitched and his glare gained a bit more heat.

“Dont ‘Hiiiiii Chibiiiiiii!” me you bastard! You just broke into my apartment!” He shouted. After a few seconds staring at Dazai, his shoulder slumped as he let out a sigh that clearly said he was already too tired for this bullshit.

“Don’t know why I’m surprised I guess. You used to do this all the damn time” He said with a roll of his eyes.

That actually got a laugh out of Dazai, who crossed the room and flopped onto Chuuya’s red couch without waiting for permission. He then leaned back and used the coffee table as a footrest, like the rude bastard he was.

“I sure did! Man, that was fun.” He said with a goofy smile, taking the opportunity to look around at the familiar cream walls and tan carpet. “Remember how you used to buy new security stuff to make it harder for me every time I got in?” He asked with a laugh.

Chuuya heaved yet another sigh, knowing it would not be his last one of the night. “God, don’t remind me. Most worthless set of purchases I’ve ever made” he said, joining his former partner on the couch.

“Aw, don’t feel too bad Chibi, it wasn’t the worst purchases you’ve ever made!” He paused. “Just look at your hats” he finished, the goofy smile having been replaced with a smirk that had Chuuya ready to throw the man back out the window.

“Say that again asshole!” He screamed, aiming a punch where the brunette's stomach was a split second ago. Unfortunately, the former executive was still more than well aware of his partners habits and had gotten off the couch before Chuuya had even started balling his fist.

“Don’t be too mad Slug, your house is just too fun to break into! Plus, you always had the funniest reactions when you found me” Dazai said.

“Thats because A. You broke into my house and B. You always, without fail, would be drinking my damn milk STRAIGHT FROM THE CARTON YOU ANIMAL!” Chuuya shouted, getting pissed off just thinking about it. Dazai laughing again wasn’t helping his temper.

“Good times, good times!” he said breezily, sitting back on the couch.

“I fucking hate you” Chuuya grumbled before remembering why the man on his right was here in the first place. He’d gotten so caught up in just talking with Dazai that he’d gotten distracted. And, though he would sooner get hit by a truck then admit this out loud, he’d felt a little nostalgia buried under all his annoyance since the brunette arrived. While Dazai pushed his button better then literally any other human on the planet, he had kind of missed being around him. Around him without having to fight Cthulhu (where the hell did that guy even come from) at the same time, at least. But now wasn’t the time for that, so adopting a more serious expression, he turned towards his companion. “So?” He prompted.

Dazai, ever the expert at not doing anything he didn’t want to, turned to him with an expression that would pass for innocent with anyone else. But Chuuya knew him too well. He saw the slightly darker brown in his eyes, the almost imperceptible tensing of his posture as he now faced the red head. 

“So what?” He asked, and yep, even his voice sounded stressed. The cheer in it was more obviously false than normal. But just because Chuuya knew he was faking, didn’t mean the bastard wasn’t still going to fight tooth and nail to not have the discussion he literally came for . Chuuya released yet another sigh. God, it was going to be a long night.

“You know what, asshole. It’s the reason you came here in the first place” He said

“Maybe I simply came because I wanted to make fun of you” Dazai said, still feigning ignorance. Chuuya was unamused.

“While I wouldn’t put that past you cause you're an asshole, we both know you didn’t. Like I said,  if it really is too personal I won't force you, but..” he hesitated, looking away as he thought his words over. “We were partners before. We argued and fought and there were days where I was ready to kick you through a wall or two, but at the end of the day we had each other's backs. We could trust that we’d be there no matter how much shit we were in” and oh, there was that nostalgia saying hi again. Glancing up at Dazai, he was greeted by dark brown. The brunette had dropped the facade and instead was staring at his former partner, eyes dark and attention solely on him. Having that gaze, normally reserved for puzzles and plans the taller man felt warranted some extra thought directed at him made Chuuya feel… something. He didn’t know what, and he couldn’t describe it as pleasant but he also didn’t want it to go away. It felt like someone started some sort of shitty heater in his gut, obvious enough to be distracting but he knew the second that warmth was gone, its absence would leave him feeling cold. Eventually, though, he remembered the brunette was watching him because he was supposed to be speaking, so he shook the feeling off for the time being and pushed forward.

“We were partners'' he began again “but you left without a word. Hell, you didn’t even leave a note or something, you just… disappeared. I trusted you and you left me” he said, a little quieter at the end. He was also keeping a very tight leash on the betrayal he’d felt bubbling just below the surface as he talked about Dazai leaving. The last thing he needed was for the bastard to know just how hurt he’d been by the other running off. “If you can’t get too specific then fine, but I think I deserve at least some sort of explanation, you know?” he finished, only trusting himself to look at his companions reaction after taking another couple seconds to beat back whatever emotions were on his face. When he finally did, he was a little shocked to see a hint of guilt shining in his chocolate eyes. He’d seen his partner shoot and stab and tortue and kill, but the last time he’d seen the man look legitimately guilty about something was… actually, he couldn’t remember ever seeing Dazai look guilty. Huh. And guilt wasn’t the only thing there, either. His normally closed off partner was apparently deciding to throw all his masks out for the moment, so Chuuya was treated to what Dazai apparently looked like when he was having an internal debate. Chuuya wished he knew what it was about or which side of the man was winning. Curious about what was going through the others head, but deciding he’d said everything he needed to for now, he sat patiently, waiting for his partner to sort out his thoughts and speak. He was rewarded with his partner looking up a few moments later and, with more hesitance than usual, finally addressing Chuuya. 

“It wasn’t like I was trying to abandon you or anything. I just...” he cut himself off with a sigh, staring at Chuuya with a pout, the internal debate apparently starting up round two as the brunette raked his hair through his hair in frustration and draped his head over the back of the couch with a groan. Letting his partner sort himself out, Chuuya decided since he had some free time and the catalyst was right next to him, he might as well think about that weird feeling he’d gotten when Dazai looked at him. He wasn’t stupid, he knew he liked Dazai. Hell, he’d felt something for the guy since the day they fought Randou, when Dazai and him held hands for the first time. Chuuya would never admit it, especially to Dazai, but it was the first time he’d ever held someone’s hand, and whether he’d liked it or not it had sparked something in him. Something that had grown for two years until his partner left without a word and he felt it shrivel up and die, withered away by the burning betrayal and hurt that took its place. When he finally accepted that Dazai had left, and it had to have been that because there was no chance the idiot was dead, he made a promise to himself to let that feeling stay dead and buried. He may have been an idiot to fall in love with literally the least committed or trustworthy person he’d ever met, but he learns from his mistakes. At least he thought he did. And then his partner had looked at him and that stupid feeling started warming his insides and Chuuya wanted to crush it before it went away on its own and left him with that cold, empty nothingness in his chest again. But sadly he couldn’t because for the life of him he couldn’t stop caring about, and wanting to be closer to, Dazai. Suddenly regretting letting the man stay in the first place, he was about to tell his partner to forget about it and get the hell out of his apartment when the brunette’s head popped up from where it had been resting on the back of the couch, now adorning an expression that kept flipping between grim determination and hesitant uncertainty. Chuuya was too caught off guard to say anything, so he simply stared at the man, waiting for him to start up where he left off and maybe tell him what the hell he’d been thinking about for the last ten minutes or so. Except he didn’t quite get that. Instead Dazai stared at him for a few more seconds, eyes seeming to search his face for something and expression still doing that weird flip flop for a few moments before he closed his eyes, took a breath and opened them once again. And apparently that breath plus whatever he’d seen on Chuuya’s face was enough to solve his inner turmoil because the expression he wore now was nothing like the one from a few seconds ago. This expression still had determination shining through, but there was so much more. Guilt, pain, betrayal, sadness, nostalgia, regret, frustration, hatred, resentment, hope, fear, uncertainty and some other emotion that if Chuuya didn’t know any better he would say was yearning. More than anything else, though, it held loss. It was a fitting expression for a guy who always has a lot going on in his head but it was still the most human expression Chuuya had ever seen on his partner's face. Chuuya sat speechless as he saw his partner, for the first time, completely open. There were no masks or performances in that face, just honesty. 

After a few moments of silence, Dazai looked towards the window instead, a distant look replacing the earlier one, and Chuuya wished he hadn’t. He could have stared at the face that finally revealed the man behind all the masks for hours, years even centuries. But then Dazai spoke, tone as distant as his eyes, and Chuuya took every word in like they were the answer to life's greatest mystery. Hell, if they helped him fully understand Dazai then they kind of were. 

“Do you remember it? Those couple of weeks before I left?”

Chapter Text

“Do you remember it? Those couple of weeks before I left?” He asked. 

Chuuya nodded though he was pretty sure the man couldn’t see it and probably wasn’t looking for an answer anyways. “Mori sent you off on some mission out west. It wasn’t for anything important, hell I don’t even remember what you were supposed to be doing, but he had you stay there for two months. Do you know why?” 

That had Chuuya frowning. It hadn’t seemed odd, the boss had sent him on long missions before and after Dazai had left, hell that wasn’t even the longest one, so he’d never thought there was any connection. He had assumed it was just bad timing, but Dazai’s tone implied something that made Chuuya’s stomach start to curl.

“It was to make sure you were unavailable during a conflict with an organization called Mimic. They were ex-military and had a leader with a tricky ability, though he wasn’t the only one who had it” his voice got quieter at the end of his sentence but his volume quickly returned to normal. “Mori assigned me to head the destruction of Mimic, and he assigned one other member to investigate the disappearance of a former information agent. That other member is the reason I joined the agency” Dazai said before hesitating once again. Unlike before, however, it looked less like he was making a decision and more like he was steeling himself to follow through with one. When he’d apparently finished preparing he turned to Chuuya, eyes now shining with that same loss from earlier and a nostalgic smile gracing his lips. 

“Do you remember a man named Oda Sakunosuke?” he asked. 

And then he told Chuuya everything. About three friends in a bar. About a hitman-turned-mafia member with an incredible ability who didn’t kill, raised orphans above a restaurant and wanted to become a writer. About one friends betrayal, and the other losing first his children, then his dream and finally his life. About Mori’s part in the whole damn thing. About a promise made in a room bathed in the light of a setting sun to a dying friend. A promise to become a good man. He talked about two years of waiting and two years of light. About joining an agency with members almost as crazy as him. About trying to help people. And finally, about a chance to do better, to prove to himself that he was better, in the form of an orphan boy dying of starvation who still used what little strength he had left to save a stranger from drowning. One who was given a place to call home in return. When Dazai finally stopped talking, both their eyes were wet and the brunette's throat was raw. It had past midnight at some point but neither of them cared, both emotionally exhausted even if it was for different reasons. Chuuya, for his part, was feeling a million things at once. He mourned for the man he never really knew, as well as his kids. He felt bitterness towards Ango for lying to his friend for years and then leaving them to deal Mimic on their own. He felt hatred for the Mimic boss for selfishly ruining so many innocent lives just so he could die the way he wanted. He felt uncontrollable anger and disgust towards Mori for orchestrating the whole thing. He felt guilty for assuming Dazai was the one who’d betrayed the mafia, when it had been the other way around the whole time. But more than anything, he felt sympathy for Dazai. Dazai, who in the span of a few weeks had to watch practically the only bright spot in his dark world crumble while he could do nothing to stop it. Dazai, who lost two of the very few people he trusted, one to disloyalty and the other to death. Dazai, who had to go through that all alone while Chuuya was off god knows where, doing who knows what. Dazai, who now sat next to him, elbows on his knees and head resting on his hands facing down. Dazai, whose eyes were still wet around the edges and who looked more tired than Chuuya had ever seen him. Dazai, who Chuuya had never stopped caring about and who he refused to let wallow in those painful memories all alone after he’d finally been honest with him. Before his mind could fully catch up with his body, his arms were around the taller man, pulling him towards himself in as comforting a hug as he could give. In a hug that might help Dazai understand everything he wanted him to know better than his words ever could.

When he first felt Chuuya touch him, Dazai went stiff as a board. He didn’t even really mean to, it was just instinct at this point. Don’t let people get close, it’ll only end in pain. Except the one touching him now was Chuuya, and for all the man's threats there was not a person alive that he trusted more than his former partner. He trusted the other ADA members too, to varying degrees, but there was something special about Chuuya. While he was in no way shape or form an expert on emotions, even he wasn’t ignorant enough to misinterpret what he felt for the shorter man. It had honestly scared him the first time he realized it, and he’d spent a good month trying to interact with the red head as little as possible in the hopes that it would magically go away. Afterall, every time he found something he wanted to hold on to, he was fated to lose it. And he really didn’t want to lose Chuuya, who made him feel more alive simply by being near him. Whose fiery passion and seemingly indomitable strength seemed to sink into Dazai’s soul and make living feel just a little less pointless. A little less painful. So he shut down every moment of that little spot in his gut getting warmer, allowing the cold emptiness that speck of warmth left behind to bite into him. Letting it prove and reassure him that he was doing what he needed to. That he wasn’t going to lose Chuuya, even if that meant never letting himself have him in the first place. Now, however, he was more emotionally drained then he’d been in almost half a decade, and as Chuuya pulled him into what might be the most comforting and gentle embrace the brunette had ever received, whispering apologies and sympathy and everything else Dazai needed to hear after basically reliving everything falling apart, Dazai didn’t have the strength to fight back. He let himself melt into Chuuya’s warmth, head resting on his shoulder and the little spot in his heart growing hotter, and simply let himself be weak for a few moments. At some point, Chuuya started combing his fingers through his hair and Dazai felt himself relaxing mor, contentment starting to meld with his exhaustion. He let his eyes close, and he would have gone under completely if he didn’t hear his partner’s quiet, and most likely unintentional, muttering.

“I love you”

Well, he wasn’t tired anymore, that was for damn sure. Like he’d been struck by a bolt of lightning, he shot up to look at his companion. Shocked cerulean orbs greeted him for a second before something like fear passed through them and the red head turned to face the opposite direction.

“Please tell me I didn’t say that out loud” he said, though the apprehension and defeat in his voice made it clear he knew the answer. Still shocked and worn out from his recounting, Dazai could only nod in response. Apparently that was all Chuuya needed to slump forward with a miserable groan, putting his face, now as red as his hair, in his hands. 

“Kill me now.” he said, voice muffled by the hands still covering his face. After a few more moments of begging whatever deity was listening to ‘take me the fuck out, please I’m begging you’, the red head squared his shoulders, balled his fists and faced Dazai with a challenge in his eyes.   

“Alright, get it all out now asshole” he said, face much closer to its normal hue, though there was still a tinge of scarlet on his cheeks and ears.

Dazai blinked, still trying to process what Chuuya had whispered, and what that meant. But Dazai was the former youngest executive the port mafia had ever seen, and he’d had to talk his way out of kidnappings, potential shoot outs and whatever else got thrown his way. As such, he used his famed and fearsome silver tongue to give his oh so eloquent response. 

“Huh?”

Silver tongue indeed. And apparently Chuuya wasn’t too impressed by the answer either, because like a switch had been flipped his face was red, but this time from anger, and he was in Dazai’s face within seconds. 

“Quit fucking with me asshole! Get all your damn jokes and teasing out of the way, cause I’m only giving you these next five minutes as a freebie cause I’m the one that let it slip. After that, I’m breaking your damn legs if you even think about mentioning this! Got it?” He screamed, though there was much more vulnerability in his eyes then Dazai normally saw when he was getting yelled at. The screaming was still familiar enough to knock Dazai back to the present, though. 

...

The present where Chuuya said he loved him.

…

Okay, nevermind, he needed some more time to think about that confession. Like, a LOT more time. Maybe a couple decades would do it? But apparently he would not be getting that long, as Chuuya was staring at him, eyes blazing and hands shaking like he was ten seconds away from throttling him. Dazai’s brain might be working at a snail’s pace right now, but he still knew he needed to say something or Chibi might actually kick him out the window. And that would be unpleasant for him and any unlucky pedestrians below. So he said the first thing that came to mind.

“Why would I make a joke? I feel the same way”

Was there a way to kick your own brain for being a total fucking traitor? Because Dazai really felt like doing that right now. Or maybe he could just die! Yeah, dying would be good! And damn, that window suddenly looked a lot more appealing now. As he was about to start weighing the pros and cons of possibly scarring any poor people below against not having to live in a world where he just told Chuuya he loves him right to his face , however, his thoughts were interrupted by a voice.

“Wait, what?”

Dazai looked up and realized in all of his internal panicking and suicide planning he had actually forgotten about Chuuya for a second. And he wanted answers. Fuck.

“Um. So remember how you said you’d hurt me if I talked about it after five minutes? Well, it’s been five minutes, so I’m gonna go and let's just forget the last 15 minutes never happened. Cool? Cool.” He said, already trying to wriggle out of Chuuya’s hold to make a B-line for the door. But for someone so small, the red head was strong and, unfortunately for Dazai, incredibly stubborn. 

“Nuh-uh. You are not running away after saying that shit, especially since I stuck around after I said it first. Now look me in the eyes and tell me. Did you mean it?” Chuuya said, holding Dazai in place and staring at him with enough intensity Dazai was surprised he didn’t catch on fire. But sadly, that didn’t happen. Because life just hated him like that. So instead he had to make eye contact, which meant he was going to have to face the inevitable rejection in Chuuya’s eyes. Great. So, steeling himself, he turned ready to have whatever shell of a heart he had left get smashed to pieces and met Chuuya’s gaze and

Oh.

That wasn’t rejection in the beautiful blue orbs staring back at him. There were a lot of things there of course, Chuuya had always had expressive eyes. He had always loved how alive his partners eyes were, especially if he’d seen his one exposed dull brown abyss anytime recently. Now though, as Dazai gazed into breathtaking azure orbs, for the first time he wished his partners eyes were a little less candid. Because what he saw there scared him. Rejection he could’ve taken, disgust he could’ve taken. Hell he could’ve even handled mockery. It’s not like he hadn’t taken them all before, even if it would have hurt a bit worse coming from Chuuya. But no, instead he saw something much worse as Chuuya stared back at him, still waiting for a response. Vulnerability. Honesty. Hope. There was no hiding from those eyes, or the truth that they held. Chuuya honestly loved him. Chuuya wanted to know if he loved him. And that was terrifying. 

“Why?” Dazai asked, his voice sounding weak even to his own ears but he didn’t care right now. 

“Why what?” Chuuya asked, his brow furrowed.

“Why do you care about me? How can you care about me? After everything I’ve done to you?” Dazai said, voice starting pitifully quiet but getting a bit louder as his confusion built up, but he didn’t care because he couldn’t understand .

“All I’ve done since the day we met was annoy you, fight you or hurt you! It’s literally the only thing I’ve ever been good at! Even when I didn’t mean to, I sometimes hurt you! Like with me leaving the mafia, I wasn’t trying to leave you behind or abandon you but that is exactly what I did! I’m so fucking selfish! Why are you still here? How can you even stand to look at me?! Why don’t you hate me?!” He was yelling by this point and his eyes were getting moist again, but he was way too confused and tired to care. He could blame it on his emotions still being frayed from having to recount what happened with Odasaku later. Chuuya, for his part, had stayed quiet the whole time, simply letting Dazai get it all out with wide eyes. When the brunette finally calmed down and slumped back into the couch, Chuuya spoke again.

“You say all you’ve done is hurt me, but that’s not true. You know it's not” he said, prompting Dazai to lift his head back up and look at the red head who was currently giving him a small but real smile. Well, smirk might be a better description but it was surprisingly gentle, so Dazai’d stick with it. 

“Like that day with the sheep, where you got me kicked out. I was bitter about that for a long time. I thought you did it cause you were a petty bastard trying to force me to become some underling for the mafia, but that’s not it, is it?” Now it was definitely a smirk, and a knowing one at that, that looked back at Dazai, who couldn’t hold Chuuya’s gaze.

“You were trying to get me out because they were just using me for my power and if they were willing to literally stab me in the back at the drop of a hat like that then they would have ended up betraying me anyways. You forced me out because in the long run I was gonna fall one way or the other. You were just making sure it happened when I had somewhere to land. Somewhere better.” 

By the time Chuuya had finished speaking, Dazai’s face had a tinge of red to it, and he suddenly found the wall to his side very interesting. He couldn’t deny it, which told Chuuya all he needed to know. His smile got a bit bigger.

“There were other times too. Little moments, big moments, you name it. So no, you haven’t only hurt me. And I think helping a guy who’s practically a stranger and who literally introduced himself by kicking you into a wall means you aren’t completely selfish either”.

 At this, Dazai opened his mouth, ready to deny it, but Chuuya cut him off. 

“I’m not saying you're never selfish, cause that’s a fuckin lie. I’m saying that's not all you are. You’ve got some selfless parts in you too. The same can be said for a lot about you. I’m not gonna pretend you haven’t made mistakes, cause that's an even bigger lie, but you're trying. And honestly, the progress you’ve made is kind of amazing. You are so much better than you were back in the mafia, and you should be proud of that. Speaking of looking better I’ve gotta admit, I’m liking the new look. Especially since I can see both eyes now” At this, Chuuya smirked at him and Dazai felt his flush deepen despite his attempts to stop it. He couldn’t help it though. The eye's comment would have been bad enough, but this was the first time anyone who knew him back in his mafia days had actually confirmed what he’d hoped. That he had changed. That he was keeping his promise and becoming a better person, someone Odasaku would be proud of. Dazai felt a small smile forming and he didn’t resist it as he looked at Chuuya, who seeked to take it as a good sign to continue.

“There are other reasons too. For one thing, your looks, obviously. You're also smart as hell, which can be annoying as all hell sometimes cause you can be a smug bastard about it but it’s still pretty amazing. There's also the fact that you were the first person to ever really see me. You weren’t scared of me like the sheep, you didn’t want me because of Arahabaki like Randou did and you didn’t want to use my strength like the b- like Mori. When you looked at me that was all you saw. Me . Do I need to go on or do you get the picture?” He said looking at the brunette at his side, who felt lighter then he had in a long time, with a raised eyebrow. 

“I think I get the picture,” he said, smile growing. 

“Good, then you can finally answer my question” Chuuya said, confusing Dazai for a moment as he had to think back to what the hell Chuuya asked him before he started yelling at the guy he loved. Oh, wait that was it.

“Yes” he said, no more hesitation in his voice or eyes. Because for all the little warning bells going off in his head telling him how dangerous those words and the truth behind them were, if Chuuya could be that honest about how he felt, then he could at least try to do the same.

“Yes what?”

“Yes I meant it, and yes I love you”

And there it was. Dazai had admitted it to the universe. But rules that govern his life be damned, if he was actually going to have the chance to be with Chuuya he was gonna fight like hell to keep him. His thoughts about getting into knife fights with God over keeping Chuuya in his life were interrupted, however, by the subject of his thoughts.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you like me? Come on, I did the whole ‘waxing poetic’ bs about you, now it's’ your turn” Chuuya said, raising his eyebrow expectantly. Shit, Dazai was blushing again.

“I mean, why wouldn’t I?” Dazai tried, in the hope that Chuuya would take mercy on him. No such luck. 

“Oh hell no, you are not getting away that easy. Spill” 

Shit. Um…

“Fishing for compliments now, are we Chibi?” Dazai tried in his second attempt for mercy from the red head who was now looking at him with an unimpressed eyebrow raise.

“I’ve dealt with you for years. If you think that's going to get you off this subject, I’m gonna have to take back that ‘smart as hell’ comment from earlier” The redhead said, looking of all things amused by Dazai’s struggling. Why did he love this shrimp again? 

Dazai sighed, already feeling his cheeks getting red again, but started to speak regardless. 

“Well, lets get the obvious out of the way now. Your pretty” And HA! At least now he wasn’t the only one blushing!

“Especially your eyes, they’ve always been so… honest. Open. I probably don’t have to tell you I’m not the best at that so I’ve always loved to see how alive you are. How passionate. Let’s see, what else. Well, I’ve always respected how loyal you are, even if I didn’t always agree with who you're loyal to. And you're amazingly strong too. As someone you’ve kicked into multiple walls I can vouch for the fact that you’re a badass to be reckoned with even without your ability. Honestly though? I think the biggest thing is that I just… feel better when I’m around you” That got a surprised blink out of Chuuya which Dazai ignored because if he didn’t say this now, he’d probably be too embarrassed to say it later.

“I’m sure I don’t have to tell you I don’t have the strongest will to live, but… when I’m with you I feel stronger. It’s like you radiate energy, and just being around you makes it a little easier to exist. To hold on and keep looking for that.. something I’ve been looking for. Being around you makes me want to keep living more than anything else ever has.” By this point Chuuya was staring at him speechless, and Dazai held his gaze.

“You give me the strength to keep living, even when it seems pointless. You make me think there might be a point, if I can be around you.” 

His body was moving forward and he wasn’t stopping it. Chuuya did the same, the two of them never breaking eye contact.

“You make me want to live, Chuuya” 

And with that their lips touched and Dazai thought of nothing else.

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Kunikida’s Headache: GUESS WHO JUST GOT A BOYF!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh would you shut the fuck up

Chu Chu Motherfucker: We’ve been together like 10 minutes

Kunikida’s Headache: Long enough for me to start bragging!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: It hasn’t even been an hour and I already regret this

Kunikida’s Headache: No take backs lol

Chu Chu Motherfucker: gdi

Sushi: Dazai-san, Chuuya-san Congratulations! I’m so happy for both of you! :)

Kunikida’s Headache: Daaaawwwww, thanks Atsushi-kun

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Thanks kid

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Damn, cant believe soukoku got together before I got an SO.

Sherlock but Better: Fucking finally. I’ve been waiting for this since the chat began. Also, pay up Yosano

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Damn, couldn’t you guys have waited a few months?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You BET on this?!?!?!

Sherlock but Better: Well duh. It was obvious

TheResponsibleOne: It really was. I must admit I have been waiting for this for a while. 4 years in fact

Boss: Same

Grandpa: It certainly did take a while. Also, congratulations to you two.

TheResponsibleOne: Also, Boss, Hirotu-san, you owe me 1000 yen

Boss: Shit

Grandpa: Damn

Chu Chu Motherfucker: ANE-SAN?!?!?! YOU TOO?!?!!?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Took you long enough. Jeez

Chu Chu Motherfucker: WTF what's with all this “took ya long enough” bullshit?!?!!?

TheResponsibleOne: You must admit lad, you’ve kind of been circling each other since… well

Boss: The day you met

TheResponsibleOne: Yes, about then

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I

TheResponsibleOne: By the way Dazai, if you hurt Chuuya there will be… shall we say consequences :)

Kunikida’s Headache: Fear

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Thanks Ane-san, but I can handle the idiot

TheResponsibleOne: I know lad, I just want you to be happy

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Thanks

Cowboy: Wait, so you two weren’t a couple before?

Kunikida’s Headache: Jjbdwfkjdihuerfhsfdnojvfihudeihdajifolflnkcfdslnkcsdln

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oof, that was a big one

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: It’s cause he started choking when he read it and started spazzing out

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Damn, how’d you know?

Kunikida’s Headache: Yosano-saaaaaan

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I’m not sorry 

Kunikida’s Headache: No Kenji, no we were not

Cowboy: Oh, then congratulations :D

P!ATD(ead body): Dazai-san, Chuuya-san, I congratulate you on your relationship. 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Well, at least you’re not saying it

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh, don’t let him fool you. The first words out of his mouth when he read Dazai’s text were “It’s about fucking time”

P!ATD(ead body): Shut UP Gin

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Nah

P!ATD(ead body): -_-

Onii-sama~: Congrats you two!!!

Light Snow: Congratulations

TriggerFinger: Hell yeah Chuuya-san! Get that D

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Jjbdwfkjdihuerfhsfdnojvfihud

Onii-sama~: Aw, they even key smash the same way

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yes, truly a match made in heaven

Notice Me: Wasn’t as long though, so I’m guessing he didn’t choke

TriggerFinger: Shame

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh fuck you

TriggerFinger: Nah, I’ll let you save yourself for Dazai

Chu Chu Motherfucker: JJBDWFKJDIHUERFHSFDNOJVFIHUDEIH

Sherlock but Better: You know what they say, the couple that spazzes out together wins together

Cowboy: I’ve never heard that phrase before! You learn something new everyday :D

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Kenji honey, he’s joking

Cowboy: Oh! Okay :D

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Too pure

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: ikr

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Also, congratulations to you two. I hope your relationship is a happy one 

Kunikida’s Headache: Thanks Kyoka-chan!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Thanks Kyoka

Mother ™: Congratulations to you both, however this new information does not magically excuse you from needing to have yesterday's paperwork done Dazai

Kunikida’s Headache: But Kunikiiiiiiidaaaaaaa

Kunikida’s Headache: I’ve found my soulmate! Have a heart!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh no.

Chu Chu Motherfucker: No No No you are not using me as an excuse to not do your damn job. 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: @Mother ™ If he ever says he can’t do something cause he’s with me, text me. Odds are it’s a lie

Mother ™: I am well aware of that fact but I appreciate the offer

Kunikida’s Headache: Help! My own boyfriend’s bullying me!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Cry about it

Kunikida’s Headache: Mean! ( ; ω ; )

Light Snow: Would you fuckiNG STOP WITH THOSE

Kunikida’s Headache: Nope 凸( ◕‿◕ )凸

President: Congratulations to you both. May your relationship be a long and happy one

Kunikida’s Headache: Thank Pres!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Thanks, but I gotta admit it’s kind of weird to see the leader of the agency we’ve been fighting with nonstop for years congratulate me on dating an idiot

President: That is a fair reaction, but our organizations are at peace for now, and even if they were not I still wish you happiness as a fellow human being

Kunikida’s Headache: So, just an fyi he’s crying rn

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Up YouR SHut FuCk

LEMON!!!: CONGRATULATIONS ALL! LET US CELEBRATE THIS MOMENT WITH A DISPLAY OF FIREWORKS!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Kajii NO

Notice Me: DO NOT

P!ATD(ead body): Absolutely not

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Don't even think about it

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Damnit who’s on Kajii duty

TriggerFinger: @P!ATD(ead body) GET OVER HERE 

TriggerFinger: I CAN'T STOP HIM

P!ATD(ead body): Your uselessness astounds me

P!ATD(ead body): Not as much as jinko’s but still

Sushi: I breathed

TriggerFinger: Yes yes I’m a useless peasant now HELP ME

Boss: Please try not to cause too much property damage. We may be the mafia but having to replace entire buildings get rather expensive

Sushi: Wait, how often does this happen? 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Three times a week if we’re lucky 

Mother ™: … I am so sorry you have to deal with this

Mother ™: Are you sure you want to date the idiot? You seem to have enough stress in your life 

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: It’s fine, I signed up for this.

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Don’t ask me why but I did

Kunikida’s Headache: Again, Hey!

Cowboy: Hi Dazai-san! :D

Kunikida’s Headache: I

Kunikida’s Headache: *sigh* Hi Kenji-kun

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I can’t believe this

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Try working with him lol

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I’ll trade you for Kajii

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: No thanks, we’re good

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn

Notice Me: Worth a shot

Mother ™: Would you take the bandaged wasting machine for him?

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh hell no, but nice try

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh fuck no. I can barely deal with him now!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I might actually die if I have to see him all day

Mother ™: I think the result would most likely be you killing him instead, but I understand

Kunikida’s Headache: I hate you both

TriggerFinger: So, uh 

TriggerFinger: Did anyone need warehouse F?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I need a drink

Kunikida’s Headache: Ooh, can I have some?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I need multiple drinks and a nap

Kunikida’s Headache: Remember~ No take backs~

Chu Chu Motherfucker: fml

Chapter Text

Chuuya Nakahara to Osamu Dazai

Mummified Moron: JKSALWYADJK CHIBI HELP!!!!

Missed Growth Spurt: The hell do you want?

Mummified Moron: My student is literal sunshine and I just !??! 

Mummified Moron: “flowers” and “thank you” and  I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO?!?!?!

Missed Growth Spurt: The hell are you talking about?

Mummified Moron: ATSUSHI??? IS LITERALLY THE SWEETEST???

Missed Growth Spurt: … Are you fucking kidding me?

Mummified Moron: I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO HELP!!!

Missed Growth Spurt: I can not believe this. The feared Demon Prodigy and youngest exec in port mafia history

Missed Growth Spurt: Flipping his shit because his student is Too Pure ™. 

Missed Growth Spurt: ....

Missed Growth Spurt: This is gold

Mummified Moron: YOUR NOT HELPING!!!

Missed Growth Spurt: 1. Didn’t say I was going to nor do I plan to cause watching you suffer like this is fucking hilarious

Missed Growth Spurt: 2. You’re

Mummified Moron: JKSDOPEWSDKJHLA

Mummified Moron: CHIBI PLEASE

Missed Growth Spurt: lol, have fun suffering bastard

Mummified Moron: NO WAIT! I WILL BUY YOU GROSS FANCY WINE OR RETURN THAT COAT I STOLE FROM YOUR PLACE OR WHATEVER JUST TELL ME WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO!!!

Missed Growth Spurt: I KNEW IT WAS YOU! 

Missed Growth Spurt: ...Fine, but your bringing that coat here AND buying me a bottle of petrus

Mummified Moron: Okay, fine! Just tell me what I’m supposed to do!

Missed Growth Spurt: OK, first tell me what the fuck actually happened

Mummified Moron: K, so I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, thinking about how I should try to kill myself next

Missed Growth Spurt: So the usual

Mummified Moron: Yeah, thats what I thought too!

Mummified Moron: Except as I’m walking, I hear someone calling me so I turn around and there I see Atsushi

Mummified Moron: So I greet him like normal and he’s like “oh, there you are” which gets me a little curious cause that implies he was looking for me?

Mummified Moron: So I’m kinda curious but not at all prepared for him to OUT OF NOWHERE hold up a bouquet of flowers and hand them to me?!

Missed Growth Spurt: Welp, that explains the flower part of your freakout

Mummified Moron: SHUT

Mummified Moron: anyways, as if that wasnt enough, he starts talking about how its his “thanks” for me “always taking care” of him?? and that he thinks their not much but he hopes I like them anyways???

Mummified Moron: Like??? What part of that was “not much”?!?! And where the hell did this come from???

Missed Growth Spurt: … Holy shit. 

Missed Growth Spurt: HOW is this a kid being trained by YOU?

Mummified Moron: I DONT KNOW

Mummified Moron: And you havent even heard the finishing blow! After rendering me all but mute bc literally no one has ever said that to me 

Missed Growth Spurt: K, thats a problem and we WILL be addressing that later

Mummified Moron: ONE PROBLEM AT A TIME!!!!

Missed Growth Spurt: Fine, continue. But we are talking about this later 

Mummified Moron: Moving on because HOLY SHIT

Mummified Moron: After saying all that he finishes this while thing off by thanking me “for everything”??? And then he just walks away like nothing happened???

Missed Growth Spurt: Kid really did his damage and just left

Mummified Moron: Like???? WHAT everything?!?!?! 

Mummified Moron: I have done literally nothing but gotten him a job that has him risking his life to save the city every other week and pushing my paper work off on him and Chuuya I do not deserve this boy and I just stood there like an idiot as he thanked me for stuff I havent even done and I should do something for him or say something but I DONT KNOW WHAT HELP ME!!!

Missed Growth Spurt: Damn, you weren’t kidding about the literal sunshine thing

Missed Growth Spurt: How’s it feel to be a dad?

Mummified Moron: JWEFDJIKOLERFERNLDNIFEWRNPIFRMOPWFRDLJSFNLF

Mummified Moron: A WHAT?!?!?!

Missed Growth Spurt: You heard me. The kid seems to see you as something at least sort of resembling a father, or at least a paternal figure that takes care of him, and you’ve all but legally adopted him

Missed Growth Spurt: Ergo, you’re a dad

Mummified Moron: I

Mummified Moron: I’m 

Mummified Moron:

Missed Growth Spurt: Damn, looks like I broke you for once. Welcome to my life asshole. 

Missed Growth Spurt: Feel my pain

Missed Growth Spurt: Also, wait

Missed Growth Spurt: Your not still standing on the sidewalk, are you? 

Mummified Moron: ...no

Missed Growth Spurt: HAHAHAHAH

Mummified Moron: ITS NOT FUNNY!!!!!! 

Mummified Moron: I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOO?!?!

Missed Growth Spurt: Well I mean, the first thing is probably to thank him for the flowers? Maybe say its no problem? Something like that 

Mummified Moron: What something like that?!?!?

Missed Growth Spurt: Chill out dumbass. He’s a good kid so just be honest with him. 

Missed Growth Spurt: Tell him how you feel about the gesture. Appreciation, confusion, embarrassment, whatever. He wont judge you since, as stated before he is literally the sweetest, so just say what you feel and dont worry about sounding sappy or confused or whatever. 

Missed Growth Spurt: Just be genuine

Mummified Moron: I am TERRIBLE at genuine and you know it!!!

Missed Growth Spurt: … You’re not wrong. 

Missed Growth Spurt: Also quit contradicting my advice when YOU’RE the one who asked for it asshole!

Missed Growth Spurt: But fine, if you can’t SAY how you feel about it, then SHOW him. Do something nice for him

Mummified Moron: Like whhhhhaaaaaatttttttt?

Missed Growth Spurt: How the hell should I know? I haven’t even met him in person, our first interaction was in that hellhole of a group chat!

Missed Growth Spurt: He’s YOUR student. YOU should know what he likes.

Mummified Moron: So, like, not give him my paperwork for a week?

Missed Growth Spurt: …

Missed Growth Spurt: For fucks sake

Missed Growth Spurt: While I’m aware you are an actual dumbass when it comes to emotions

Mummified Moron: And yet your still dating me~

Missed Growth Spurt: Ah, so you dont want my help then. K, bye

Mummified Moron: WAIT NO

Mummified Moron: I’M SORRY PLEASE MERCY

Missed Growth Spurt: That’s more like it

Missed Growth Spurt: Anyways, as I was saying your gonna have to try a little harder. Dig into that cold block of ice you call a heart and try to think of something that would make him honestly happy, like getting him a book you think he’d like or taking him for his favorite food. Idk, something like that

Mummified Moron: … His favorite food

Missed Growth Spurt: Yeah, or a gift, idk just somethi-

Mummified Moron: CHIBI YOUR A GENIUS!

Missed Growth Spurt: ?!?!

Missed Growth Spurt: What the fuck are you talking about now moron?!?!

Mummified Moron: I know just what to do! Thanks Chibi!

Missed Growth Spurt: Oi, hold it!

Missed Growth Spurt: You better remember you owe me wine and my coat (which I shouldn’t have to be owed since it’s literally MINE)

Missed Growth Spurt: ...

Missed Growth Spurt: Good luck asshole, you better not screw up after all that work on my part. 

Missed Growth Spurt: Also if you hurt that kid I’m renting a semi truck just so I can hit you with it

Osamu Dazai to Atsushi Nakajima

Deadzai: Hey Atsushi-kun, are you busy today?

Sushi Roll: Oh, hi Dazai-san! 

Sushi Roll: No, why?

Deadzai: Do you remember that restaurant we went to the day we met?

Sushi Roll: Dazai-san it was the first meal I’d had in like four days 

Sushi Roll: Yes I remember

Sushi Roll: God, that chazuke was good

Deadzai: Great! Cause I’m treating you after work! 

Sushi Roll: Wait what?

Sushi Roll: No no no! I mean I appreciate the offer but you’ve already done so much for me and

Sushi Roll: Wait is this about the flowers?!?!

Sushi Roll: Because that wasn’t me trying to get something back in return or anything I just spent pretty much all day trying to figure out how to give you a nice surprise and then I just thought about flowers for some reason and I

Deadzai: K, might want to take a breather there Atsushi-kun

Sushi Roll: … k

Sushi Roll: Really though, if this is about earlier, you don’t have to do anything. They were me trying to thank you for everything you’ve already done 

Deadzai: Who says it is about the flowers? Can’t a mentor treat his subordinate every once and awhile?

Sushi Roll: Well, yes but

Sushi Roll: Is this really just a random offer?

Deadzai: … 

Deadzai: K so maybe the flowers have something to do with it

Deadzai: But the main reason really is just that I want to treat you to something nice! I’ve gotta act like a good mentor sometimes right?

Sushi Roll: Are you sure? I wouldn’t be inconveniencing you or anything?

Deadzai: K, 1. Remind me we’ve still gotta work on your sense of self worth

Sushi Roll: My what now?

Deadzai: And 2. Yes I’m sure. Honestly I don’t know how you accepting an offer that was literally my idea could inconvenience me

Sushi Roll: … If your really sure

Sushi Roll: Then yes, I’d love to go! Thank you so much!

Deadzai: My pleasure Atsushi-kun! Now hurry up with that paperwork so we can eat at a semi-reasonable time!

Sushi Roll: Dazai-san this is your paperwork

Deadzai: Gottagoseeyouafterworkbye!

Sushi Roll: I’m not even surprised at this point

Sushi Roll: … but thank you. See you later Dazai-san 

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Chu Chu  Motherfucker: So, I just spent the last 20 minutes getting ranted to about a Pure Boi by my bf, how you guys doing?

Kunikida’s Headache: SHUT

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wait, what happened?

Kunikida’s Headache: NoThInG DonT WorRY AboUt It

Notice Me: I sense... a Story

TriggerFinger: Same. Spill Chuuya-san 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Out of curiosity, does this have anything to do with Dazai looking super fucking weird when he came in today? Like, he looked like someone either shot a puppy in front of him or told him the secrets to the universe?

Cowboy: Oh, do you mean when he came in 2 hours late and kept bumping into things as he walked around the office?

Kunikida’s Headache: Kenji-kun why?
Cowboy: Why what? :D

Kunikida’s Headache: Someone please kill me 

Mother ™: Not a chance until you explain why you were 2 HOURS LATE to work

Sherlock but Better: To be fair, him being late isn’t anything new

Sherlock but Better: Also to answer your question Yosano, yes. Yes it did

Light Snow: I’m guessing that means you already know exactly what happened?

Sherlock But Better: What do you think :)

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I’m not even surprised at this point

Onii-sama~: Same

Onii-sama~: But if you know, spill the tea Ranpo-san!

Kunikida’s Headache: Ranpo-san please

Kunikida’s Headache: I will buy you any snack you want for a whole month

Sherlock but Better: Bribery, huh? 

Sherlock but Better: …

Sherlock but Better: Smart choice. Deal, I wont say anything

Kunikida’s Headache: Ha!

Sherlock but Better: I can’t say the same for your boyfriend, though

Kunikida’s Headache: Wait no

Chu Chu Motherfucker: :)

Kunikida’s Headache: Chu no please, i’m begging you

Chu Chu Motherfucker: :) :) :)

Kunikida’s Headache: CHIBI PLEASE

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Calm down dumbass, I’m not gonna spill everything. If nothing else, I dont want to embarrass him cause he might Actually Die if he knew you had a crisis about it

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh thank god

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I’m just gonna let everyone know that Dazai, at some point today for undisclosed reasons, stood on the sidewalk frozen in shock for a good 15 minutes, and then started having a mental breakdown over text with me for another 20.

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You are an actual fucking mess

Kunikida’s Headache: listen

Kunikida’s Headache: I just wasn’t prepared to come face to face with That Level of purity OK?!?! I was just minding my own business, then boom! Smile brighter then the fucking sun!

Notice Me: K, but hold on. Chuuya-san said the Pure Boi ™ is in the chat, right?

Notice Me: So who is it?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It sure as shit wasn’t Ryuu, I’ll tell you that much

P!ATD(ead body): And just why not?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: 1. You were at headquarters all day

TheResponsibleOne: She’s got you there lad

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: And 2. Have you seen yourself?!?! Literally what part of your emo ass could be considered “pure”?

Grandpa: This is also true

P!ATD(ead body): Kouyou-san, Hirotsu-san, why are you defending her???

Grandpa: Because she was correct. Also, I can assure you it was not Tachihara, as he was with me all day

Light Snow: Wait, what were you two doing all day?

TriggerFinger: Cleaning

Light Snow: ... Cleaning?

Onii-sama~: The fearsome black lizards of the PM spends it’s free time dusting?

TriggerFinger: Not exactly

Boss: The Black Lizards were supposed to be on ‘Kajii Duty’ yesterday, but they lost sight of him long enough for some…

Boss: Shall we call it damage

Boss: To be done. As punishment they were ordered to clean up the mess left behind

Notice Me: Big oof, last time I had to clean up after him, my nails smelt like ash and gunpowder for like 3 weeks

P!ATD(ead body): Wait a minute, if the Black Lizards were ordered to clean, why is Gin not there with you?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I’m getting food. Btw I’m almost back

TriggerFinger: Bless

Grandpa: I appreciate it

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: K, but getting back on track

Kunikida’s Headache: How bout we don’t though

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: lol, funny joke, but if its not Akutagawa, Tachihara or (I’m assuming) Kajii

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You’d be correct

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Then who was it? 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Maybe Kenji-kun?

Cowboy: Yes? :D

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Kenji-kun, did you see Dazai-san before he came in today?

Cowboy: No, but if I had seen him I would have said Hi! :D

TheResponsibleOne: Sweet sunshine child-

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Ikr? But apparently not the one we’re looking for

Light Snow: Wait, so if its not someone from the PM and its not Kenji, who the hell was it? 

Light Snow: Cause it wasn’t me

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Gonna be honest, I kind of expected a Detective agency to figure it out by now

Sherlock but Better: Hey! Don’t lump me in with the oblivious crowd!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Rude

Sherlock but Better: Honestly though, he’s right. It really shouldn’t have taken you guys this long to figure it out

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Alright Mr. Know It All, who is it then?

Sushi: Wait, did something happen Dazai-san? Are you okay? Can I help?

Kunikida’s Headache: …

Chu Chu Motherfucker: …

Sherlock but Better: …

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ah

Sushi: What?

Chapter Text

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Sushi: Does anyone know if substituting apple cider vinegar for balsamic vinegar has any big effects on the taste or consistency? I ran out

Kunikida’s Headache: Meh, you should be fine. Go for it!

Sushi: … Anyone else?

Kunikida’s Headache: Atsushi-kun you wound me!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: It depends on what you're making, but you should be fine with a little work.

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Apple cider vinegar is already pretty close, since it has that fruitiness, but you’re gonna want to add some sugar to it. I’d recommend getting a separate bowl or cup or something so you can mix a tablespoon vinegar and ½ teaspoon sugar to start.

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Not every bottle/brand is exactly the same so there might be some correction needed. If it tastes different from balsamic after that first mixing, keep adding sugar or vinegar as needed till you get the right ratio, then use the new ratio to make the substitute for your recipe

Notice Me: Damn, Chuuya-san. Didn’t know you were a chef

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Shut up

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yes chef!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: gdi

Sushi: Thank you so much Nakahara-san! This is really helpful!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Don’t mention it kid. What are you making anyways?

Sushi: Oh! I was trying out a recipe for boiled tofu, since its Kyoka-chan’s favorite food  

TheResponsibleOne: You’re doing great sweetie!

Sushi: And only realized after starting that apparently I need to add balsamic vinegar to my shopping list 

P!ATD(ead body): What a fool

Sushi: Oh, you shut up Mr. Didn’t Notice He Was Being Filmed While Committing A Crime

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: That’s a long ass name

Sherlock but Better: And one that shows he’s pretty dumb lol

P!ATD(ead body): That was one time! And who told you that anyways!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Hehehe

P!ATD(ead body): gdi Gin

Kunikida’s Headache: Atsushi-kuuuuuun! You believe the slugs advice but not your own mentors? How cruel! 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Please. Anything you try to “cook” that gets more complicated than using a microwave ends up being an affront to god

Sushi: Also Dazai-san, with all due respect you literally tried to convince me I was stuck in a time loop last week. Your word is not always 100% reliable.

Chu Chu Motherfucker: The fuck? How’d he do that? 

Sushi: Well for one, he changed all the agency clocks to say 9:42.

TriggerFinger: Why such a random time?

Kunikida’s Headache: Why not?

Sushi: Other steps in his Perplexing Paradoxal Plan ™ included telling everyone to tell me it was 9:42 if I asked for the time

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Did you guys do it? 

Sherlock but Better: Have you met us? Of course we did 

TriggerFinger: K but like why 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Funny

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Also Kunikida, Tanizaki and Kenji were out for pretty much the whole day, so they couldn’t spoil the fun lol

Sushi: ANYWAYS he also stole my phone and changed both the lock AND home screens to screen shots of my phone when the time was 9:42

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ok two questions. 1. How did he get your phone in the first place? 

Sushi: Because I am a fool who just leaves my things on my desk?

Mother ™: I would have thought you learned your lesson after the number of incidents started hitting double digits

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I feel your pain

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Moving on from bonding over Dazai making his coworkers lives miserable

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY!

T heSuperiorAkutagawa: 2. Where did he get screen shots for your phone at 9:42

Sushi: Pretty much the same reason as above, only he did it at 9:42

TriggerFinger: Better question, how did he manage to change all the clocks without y’all noticing?

Cowboy: I have been summoned by y’all 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Kenji... honey, no 

Cowboy: What?

Kunikida’s Headache: I just broke in at 2 am and set them all. Got the ones in the cafe downstairs too just in case :) 

Notice Me: That smiley ... I fear for my life 

P!ATD(ead body): More like the jinko’s life lol 

Sushi: -_-  

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Okay but getting back on track, here’s the best question: Why the hell did he do it in the first place?

Kunikida’s Headache: Got bored, started thinking about clocks, thought it’d be funny

Onii-sama~ : You are the embodiment of chaotic neutral  

TriggerFinger: Wait, so a thought about clocks leads to you trying to convince your coworker he’s in a time loop?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Does that seriously surprise you? Like, have you met Dazai? 

TriggerFinger: You’ve got me there

Mother ™: That is a completely valid point

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Fair

Light Snow: He’s not wrong 

TheResponsibleOne: I have to agree, lad

Kunikida’s Headache: IM BEING BULLIED! I WILL NOT TAKE THIS SLANDER!

P!ATD(ead body): I mean, where’s the lie though 

Kunikida’s Headache: MY OWN SUBORDINATE! ATSUSHI DEFEND ME!

Sushi: ... So has anyone seen any good shows/movies lately? 

Kunikida’s Headache: the betrayal

Notice Me: Top 10 Anime Betrayals 

Mother ™: To be fair, I think trying to convince someone they are in a time loop is a form of betrayal as well

Mother ™: And because Dazai did so first, Atsushi is technically justified here. 

Sherlock but Better: Are you, like, physically required to turn everything into a lecture? 

Sherlock but Better: Are you gonna burst into flames or smth if you don’t?

Mother ™: I am not lecturing! I am simply stating Atsushi ignoring Dazai is not a betrayal, it is a justified response.

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I mean, ignoring Dazai is always the right call if you ask me, so... 

Kunikida’s Headache: CHUUYAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Kunikida’s Headache: STOP BULLYING MEEEEEEE!!!! 

Grandpa: To answer your question Atsushi 

Kunikida’s Headache: Are you ignoring me?!?!? (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Light Snow: For the love of all that is and isn’t holy I am begging you to stop with the kaomojis

Kunikida’s Headache: no fuck you (*°▽°*)

Grandpa: ... Anyways 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Lol, rip Dazai

Grandpa: I have actually just finished watching Japan: Between the Earth and Sky

Sushi: Oh! Is that a National Geographic thing or smth?

Grandpa: Yes, and I quite enjoyed it. It showcased a lot of beautiful scenery and was accompanied by some very educational commentary

Sushi: Thank you for the recommendation! I will look into it on the weekend

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Why the weekend?

Sushi: That's when Kyoka-chan and I binge watch a bunch of movies and shows

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Hirotsu-san… Why have you done this to me?

Sushi: Ah, we don't have to watch it if you don't want to!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Nah, I’m just messing with you lol

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: It sounds pretty interesting and if it's boring it'll probably be good background noise for taking a nap

Sushi: Oh, okay then :) 

Sushi: Lets watch it on the futon instead of just the floor then, so you’ll have a softer place then the floor if you do fall asleep 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Well thats some of the most wholesome sibling bonding I’ve ever seen 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: @P!ATD(ead body) We could be like that but you gotta be all brooding and emo and shit

P!ATD(ead body): I do NOT brood

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: *Whispering* He totally does

P!ATD(ead body): I CAN READ THE CHAT

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yes, and?

P!ATD(ead body): I fucking hate you

TriggerFinger: What are we in improv now?

Light Snow: tbh this whole GC kind of feels like some weird show

TriggerFinger: True

P!ATD(ead body): Correction: I fucking hate you all

Kunikida’s Headache: Even me?

P!ATD(ead body): I fucking hate *most* of you

P!ATD(ead body): Especially the Jinko

Sushi: I was literally doing nothing why do you keep attacking me?!?!?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: It's like watching that one preschool kid who keeps picking on the girl he likes. 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Just, ya know, gayer and with more emo brooding and death threats

P!ATD(ead body): What

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: That is the most accurate description I’ve ever seen

P!ATD(ead body): Again: WHAT

Sushi: Yeah, I’m kinda confused too. Kyoka-chan what did you mean?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I can’t with this

TheResponsibleOne: It is rather painful, isn’t it?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Try living with him. I actually want to cry sometimes but he’s so Pure ™ I can’t actually be mad at him

Sushi: Wait I almost made you cry?!

Sushi: I’m so sorry Kyoka-chan!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: See?

Onii-sama~: Oof

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn, I am so sorry for you

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Like, I get it with Ryuu all the time but at least he’s a lil bitch so I can get pissed and tease him about it

P!ATD(ead body): wtf are you ttalking abiut?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn, we even got a typo outta him!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You must be real flustered, huh?

P!ATD(ead body): STFU I’M GOING BACK TO WORK

Mother ™: That sounds like a wonderful idea. I recommend all of you follow his example, as we are all still on duty

Onii-sama~: Next time, just @ Dazai

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey!

Sherlock but Better: Is she wrong though

Mother ™: Unfortunately not

Sushi: I still don’t understand what just happened  

Notice Me: Sadly, we believe you

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Sushi: So, just a status update: That was the best boiled tofu I’ve ever had

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Same

Sushi: @Chu Chu Motherfucker Thank you so much Chuuya-san!

Notice Me: Cant believe the first swear the weretiger types isn’t even him actually swearing. Its just Chuuya-sans name

Sushi: Let me live!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: No problem kid

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Besides, the only thing I helped with was the balsamic, the rest was all you

Sushi: Still, it was really helpful! Plus it made Kyoka-chan really happy so thank you!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes, thank you

Chu Chu Motherfucker: It's’ really no problem. Honestly though, with how much your hyping it up I kind of want to try it. 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: If you two want to come over, you could bring the tofu and I can teach you some more cooking tips @Sushi

Sushi: Really?!?!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Sure, why not? I can make you something too, since you’d be bringing food. Sound like a plan?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: If your gonna teach him how to make more stuff this good, then I will drag him there if I have too

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Dang, Kyoka does not f around about food

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Damn right

Mother ™: Kyoka-chan language!

Mother ™: Also, while I would normally object to fraternizing with the mafia, I know Chuuya-san myself, and believe him perfectly trustworthy, so have fun

Mother ™: Just don’t skip work to do it though

Sushi: Of course Kunikida-san!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Understood

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Thanks for the trust ig

Mother ™: The fact that the bandage wasting machine isn’t dead yet is proof enough that they’ll be safe with you

Kunikida’s Headache: Why do all of your conversations come back to bullying me?!?!

Kunikida’s Headache: Also Chuuuuuyaaaaa!

Kunikida’s Headache: How come you’ll cook for Atsushi-kun and Kyoka-chan, but not me?

Chu Chub Motherfucker: 1. They’re bringing something over so I’m not just cooking for them

Chu Chu Motherfucker: 2. Even if they weren’t I would cause have you seen how adorable they are? I’d get hit by a truck for either one of them

TheResponsibleOne: Same

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Oh, without question

Onii-sama~: Same

Light Snow: Yeah, me too

Mother ™: I’ll admit, I would as well

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Fucking same

TriggerFinger: Yep

Notice Me: Oh, absolutely

Kunikida’s Headache: ... K fine, but only cause I would too

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I… oh…

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Thank you everyone

Sushi: dojkqewk Thank you but also please don’t actually get hit by a car!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: No prob and wasn’t planning on it 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Also 3. If I tried to cook for you while you were anywhere near me, I’d be more likely to beat you with a frying pan then actually make you something 

Kunikida’s Headache: I’m being bullied! By my own boyfriend!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Unfortunately yes

Kunikida’s Headache: ( ╥_╥)

Light Snow: Fucking Stop!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: How do I return you?

Kunikida’s Headache: You can't, uwu

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Please tell me I’m hallucinating and he didn’t actually just fucking uwu 

TriggerFinger: Sorry to break it to ya, but…

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I’m breaking up with you

Kunikida’s Headache: Nope! No take backs remember uwu

Chu Chu Mptherfucker: fml

Sushi: Dazai-san, please stop torturing Chuuya-san

Kunikida’s Headache: But its fuuuuuuunnnnnn

Sushi: I’ll give you some of the tofu we’re bringing over if you stop

Kunikida’s Headache: … deal

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Holy shit that worked?!?!

Boss: Even I’m surprised

Boss: Also, that was some impressive manipulation Weretiger. You should think about joining the mafia

Sushi: uM No ThAnK yOu

President: Mori-sensei, don’t even think about it or I will fight you

Boss: Fine, Killjoy

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey, they’ve been hyping this tofu up! I wanna try it!

Kunikida’s Headache: Also I’m with the prez. Stay tf away from Atsushi 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: @Sushi your my new favorite

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Also, when did you want to come over?

Sushi: Well we get off work at 6, so...

Sushi: Whatever time is most convenient for you after then should be fine. We wouldn’t want to inconvenience you, afterall 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Mackerel, I’m stealing your student

Chu Chu Motherfucker: He’s too innocent for me to let you corrupt him with your bullshit

Kunikida’s Headache: Mean! Chibi’s a mean old slug!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Say that again Asshole!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Also your only 2 months younger then me!

Kunikida’s Headache: May as well be an eternity

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Alright WHERE ARE YOU

Sushi: Um… Nakahara-san?

Sushi: I mean Chuuya-san! Sorry!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Shit, sorry kid

Notice Me: Damn, he actually calmed him down

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wait, so he can stop Chuuya and Dazai’s bullshit?

TriggerFinger: The power this kid possesses

Sushi: ?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Ignore them, they’re dead meat when I see them anyways

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Sure we are

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Don’t test me you lil shit

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Anyways, how does 6:30 sound? I’ll DM you two the address

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: That should be fine. Thank you for the invitation Chuuya-san

Sushi: Yes, thank you so much!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: np

Onii-sama~: Well, damn. I was kinda expecting that to end in bloodshed. Most likely Dazai’s

Kunikida’s Headache :Why is everyone picking on me?!?!!?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Cause you deserve it

LEMON!!!: GREETINGS EVERYONE!

Onii-sama~: I fucking jinxed it, didn’t I

Notice Me: Little bit, yeah

LEMON!!!: I HAVE CREATED A NEW LEMON BOMB THAT REQUIRES IMMEDIATE EXPERIMENTATION!

LEMON!!!: IS ANYONE CURRENTLY STATIONED IN WAREHOUSE 5?!!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Kajii don’t even think about it

LEMON!!!: SO SOMEONE IS THERE??!!

TriggerFinger: Well, no but

LEMON!!!: FANTASTIC!!!!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wait Kajii NO

Notice Me: Tachi you Dumbass!

TriggerFinger: im SORRY

P!ATD(ead body): You utter fool

TheResponsibleOne: I need some sake

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Same Ane-san. Same

Chapter Text

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Kunikida’s Headache: So, does everyone remember when we played FMK as an icebreaker back when we first made the chat and I mentioned truth or dare as an option?

Kunikida’s Headache: So I was thinking-

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Um, no? When did this happen?

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh right, you were arrested at the time

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes, I have a record now

TriggerFinger: You were literally in the mafia-

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: My resume is ruined! How ever will I find a job now? What choice do I have but to starve on the streets?

Light Snow: But you work here-

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Good thing I have a wonderful roommate who will of course be bringing some boiled tofu home, right @Sushi? :)

Sushi: Oh, sure! The usual place?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes please, thank you! I’ve been craving some all day

Notice Me: Damn, cant believe Kyoka’s actually a manipulative mastermind

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: All’s fair in love, war, and me getting food

Notice Me: Understandable have a Nice Day

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Forget that, I can’t believe that worked !

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: @P!ATD(ead body) How come I literally beg you for 3 hours straight to bring home food for me when you're ALREADY OUT, and I get nothing

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: But Kyoka doesn’t even have to ask directly

TheResponsibleOne: To be fair she deserves anything and everything she wants 

Onii-sama~: I get the sense that you’d spoil the shit out of your grandkids

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You have no idea how right you are

TheResponsibleOne: Yes, and I would absolutely be their favorite because of it

Onii-sama~: Well alright then

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, while i’m all for Kyoka appreciation hours and Kouyou being an awesome grandma

TheResponsibleOne: Damn right

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I still haven’t gotten an answer @P!ATD(ead body)

P!ATD(ead body): Reread your above text, specifically the 3 hour part, then come back to me

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I like to give you a heads up!

P!ATD(ead body): You blow my phone up all day!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: If I asked any later then like an hour before you left, you’d be pissed

P!ATD(ead body): Indeed

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: wtf, what do you want from me then?!?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Is there some magical time slot where I can ask my oh so wonderful and strong big brother to bring home some food for his poor little sister who loves him so much?

P!ATD(ead body): Yes

P!ATD(ead body): It’s at never O’Clock

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I hate you

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: This is why Atsushi and Kyoka are the superior siblings in the chat

Sushi: Siblings?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: We’re not??? Related???

Chu Chu Motherfucker: That don’t mean shit

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: He’s right, you guys are already practically siblings

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Hell you even live together

Sherlock but Better: Literally the only way you aren’t siblings is legally, and that could be fixed pretty easy

Sushi: ?

Sherlock but Better: Just adopt her as your little sister

Sushi: knjsdnklsdlk

Sushi: Wait is that even a thing?!?!?!

Mother ™: While I recommend you all cease texting and decide to do something more productive with your time, I will say it should be completely legal for you to adopt Kyoka as your younger sister

Sushi: kewfkfnlfqwoj

Cowboy: Does anyone know why Atsushi-san just screamed and is now staring at his phone with big eyes and his mouth open? 

Light Snow: Ah, so that was the unholy screech I just heard 

Notice Me: Pretty sure you guys broke him. Possibly both of them, since Kyoka’s being silent too

Cowboy: Oh, that makes sense :)

Notice Me: Does it though?

Onii-sama~: Aw, come on! Do you guys not want to be siblings?

Sushi: No, I would love to! I mean, I already think of her as the little sister I never had, I just wouldn’t ever want to force Kyoka-chan into such a big decision! 

Sushi: I’m not doing it unless she 100% is comfortable with the idea and actually wants to

Sushi: Which I completely understand if you don’t cause I’m kind of a mess I just wanted to offer so you knew and-

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Really?

Sushi: Really what?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Would you really want to be my big brother?

Sushi: Oh. Oh, of course!

Sushi: Why wouldn’t I? You’re so sweet and kind and responsible and honestly your adorable 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Ain’t that the truth

Grandpa: I am inclined to agree

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Yep

Notice Me: Pretty sure Kouyou-san would join in but she’s currently crying in the hall again 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Meh, her kinda-daughter’s about to get a big brother. A wholesome and overprotective sunshine child of a big brother. It’s a big moment for her

Notice Me: Fair

Sushi: Wait no! I’m not saying I’m going to adopt her just like that! It’s her choice!

Sushi: What I was trying (and failing because I’m like the worst with rambling) to say is that your wonderful and I already love you like family and would love to call you my little sister

Sushi: ONLY IF YOU WANT TO THOUGH! LET ME MAKE THAT VERY CLEAR!

Sushi: You absolutely do not have to feel pressured to agree, and I will never force you to!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: …

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Your really okay with it?

Sushi: Of course!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: …

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Can you hurry home after you get the tofu? I want to hug my new big brother

Light Snow: Aaaaaaaaand Atsushi just burst into tears

Sushi: Ib sirty! Judt si hsppu!

P!ATD(ead body): Anyone translate weakling?

Light Snow: Atsushi, while sobbing uncontrollably: Rude

President: I believe he is trying to say that he is sorry, he is just so happy

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn, didn’t realize the agency president spoke crying tigerboi

Mother ™: Everyone in the office has gotten proficient at understanding him at least somewhat when he is like this

TriggerFinger: How… How often does this happen that you all had enough practice to learn

President: I would rather not say

P!ATD(ead body): What a disgrace

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, chill with the Edgy Rival Energy for a bit

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It’s a big moment for him and Kyoka

TheResponsibleOne: Infeed ir is!!!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Ane-san?

Notice Me: She’s still crying while shes typing

Notice Me: Correction: full on sobbing now

TheResponsibleOne: Ik jist si hally fpr hwr!

Light Snow: Translation: I’m just so happy for her

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Kind of figured, but thanks anyways

Chu Chu Motherfucker: She’s got the right idea though, honestly. Congratulations you two

Light Snow: Yeah, congratulations!

Onii-sama~: Congrats!

Literally everyone else (Except Aku cause he’s an edgy lil bitch): Congratulations!

TheResponsibleOne: Congratulations you two! If you make her sad they wont find your body weretiger! 

Sushi: Um… thats kind of concerning to hear from a mafia member

TheResponsibleOne: :)

Sushi: Fear

Sushi: But seriously, thank you! I’ll do my best to make her happy!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Don’t worry Kouyou-san, Atsuhi’s really nice and takes good care of me 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Also, thank you to everyone! I (almost) now have the best big brother ever!

P!ATD(ead body): You make it sound like you’re marrying her Jinko

Sushi: K, 1. Gross she is literally 14 and my sister

Sushi: 2. Do you have to ruin everything?

P!ATD(ead body): For you? Absolutely

P!ATD(ead body): Also, I will gladly help Kouyou-san carry out her promise if you make Kyoka sad 

P!ATD(ead body): Or if you don’t, I’m happy to help either way

Sushi: Somehow it was a lot more threatening when she did it

Chu Chu Motherfucker: It always is kid. Ane-san’s great but you do not want to mess with her

TheResponsibleOne: Damn right

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Damn. Get you a woman who even makes members of the port mafia quake

TheResponsibleOne: Why thank you! Although if I recall, you are a part of this group as well Yosano-sensei

Kunikida’s Headache: I’m not the only one seeing this right?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Where the fuck have you been? You were silent for like that entire thing! I was worried!

Kunikida’s Headache: Aw~ Chibi was worried about me?~

Chu Chu Motherfucker: *Worried you were doing something stupid/destructive. Again*

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey! I’m capable of not causing chaos! I just choose to :)

Chu Chu Motherfucker: And why, pray tell, do you choose to make our lives actively shittier?

Kunikida’s Headache: It’s fun!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Where are you, you bandaged fuck? I’m kicking you out a window!

Mother ™: Would you mind if I joined you in maiming your boyfriend, Chuuya-san?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: The more the merrier. Plus, you deserve to beat his ass more than most considering how much of his shit you have to deal with

Mother ™: I appreciate it

Kunikida’s Headache: Why am I getting ganged up on again?!?!?!

Kunikida’s Headache: Also, I didn’t say anything cause I felt like my earlier question might possibly ruin the direction the convo was going

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You? Taking other peoples feelings into consideration? Sounds fake but ok

Kunikida’s Headache: MEAN! ( ｡•́︿•̀｡)

Light Snow: One day. I just wanted one day without this torture

Sushi: Ah! I’m so sorry Dazai-san! We totally interrupted what you were trying to say earlier, didn’t we?

Kunikida’s Headache: Meh, it’s fine

Kunikida’s Headache: That said, now that Sibling Bonding Hours™ are over, I would like to go back to my original point!

Mother ™: No. Whatever idea you were considering will undoubtedly result in wasted time and most likely property damage

Chu Chu Motherfucker: See, your completely right

Chu Chu Motherfucker: But I feel like if we don’t reward him for keeping his damn mouth shut when it was appropriate, he won't ever do it again

Chu Chu Motherfucker” You know, like how you train a dog with treats

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Positive Reinforcement and all that shit

Mother ™: … I hate that I can see your point

Kunikida’s Headache: TF I’M NOT A DOG?!?!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Are you sure about that?

Kunikida’s Headache: Yes???

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Sounds sus

Kunikida’s Headache: Bitch where?!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You literally scratch at my door when I lock you out of my apartment

Mother ™: You also seem to have small bursts of energy but sleep for most of the day, much like a puppy

Kunikida’s Headache: You both suck

Sushi: Didn’t you also eat dog food? Multiple times?

Kunikida’s Headache: Atsushi-kun why have you done this

Sushi: ??? 

Sushi: But you did, didn’t you?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: He what now?

Notice Me: I’m sorry, what?

TriggerFinger: Please tell me I read that wrong

Light Snow: Not unless I’m reading it wrong too

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Dazai what the actual fuck

Sherlock but Better: K thats really fuckin gross

Mother ™: I wish I was more surprised than I am

P!ATD(ead body): Dazai-san with all due respect what in the actual fuck

Boss: Dazai-kun are… are you alright???

Kunikida’s Headache: You do not get to ask me that

President: Dazai-kun are you alright?

Kunikida’s Headache: Doing just fine pres :) 

Boss: Rude

Kunikida’s Headache: Though I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get beat up by Chibi before the hours up

Onii-sama~: Its 5:56

Kunikida’s Headache: Your point?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Ex-fucking-cuse me?!?!

Chu Chu Moterfucker: YOU ATE WHAT NOW?!?!

Kunikida’s Headache: …Would it help if I said it was before we started dating?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: NO!? WHY WOULD THAT HELP?!?!

Kunikida’s Headache: Idk, I’m grasping at straws here

Cowboy: Was it tasty?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Kenji No

Cowboy: What?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Just leave it sweetie. Trust me

Cowboy: But I want to know!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: @Kunikida’s Headache choose your next words carefully

Kunikida’s Headache: No Kenji, it wasn’t tasty. I don't recommend you eat it

Cowboy: Oh okay :D

Notice Me: I-

Chu Chu Motherfucker: WHERE ARE YOU? IM TAKING YOU TO A FUCKING DOCTOR

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I’d be happy to take a look at him :)

Kunikida’s Headache: nothankyouimgood

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Are you suuuure?

Kunikida’s Headache: No offense, but after the last time you tried to treat me I’d like to take my chances with the dog food

Kunikida’s Headache: Which I ate days ago btw, so if it was gonna do something to me it would have done it by now 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I’m still sorry about that btw

Kunikida’s Headache: It’s cool, let’s just never do it again pls

TriggerFinger: Wait, what happened? 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: K, so you know how my ability requires me to almost kill my patient to heal them?

LEMON!!!: I am well aware

Light Snow: I think you scarred him Yosano-san

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Good :)

LEMON!!!: Fear

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, Kajii has ptsd from the ADA doctors treatment, we get it. What's the story with Dazai?

LEMON!!!: Rude

P!ATD(ead body): Have you met my sister?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Alright, ya know what Ryuu

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: K, so before this chat switches topics again

Notice Me: Oh shit, I just realized this all started with truth or dare

Kunikida’s Headache: Yes, speaking of :)

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: You will let me finish this story before you move on or I’m bringing my chainsaw to work tomorrow. 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I’ll leave what I’d use it for to your imagination :)

LEMON!!!: I'd do what she says if I were you, friend

Kunikida’s Headache: y-yes ma’am

Chu Chu Motherfucker: @ThouShaltNotBotherMe Teach me your ways, I’m begging you

Mother™: Please teach me as well

TriggerFinger: ??? She just made Dazai stop talking for a bit???

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Exactly

TriggerFinger: Understandable have a nice day

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Anyways, so long story short this moron gets hurt trying to throw himself off a building

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Surprising no one

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: And knocks himself out. We didn’t know if he was like hurt hurt or not though, so just to be safe we decided I should treat him

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: So I was like “Oh, cool! I get to treat someone today!”

Notice Me: The fact that your happy about that should be incredibly concerning for every ADA member

Light Snow: It is

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Anyways, so I get my chainsaw out, ready to prep him for treatment

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: “Get my chainsaw out” like it’s the most normal thing in the world

Kunikida’s Headache: K, I’m gonna cut in, but only cause it’s probably funnier from my POV from here on out. Please don't hurt me?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Fair, go ahead

Kunikida’s Headache: K, so my ability nullifies others AKA abilities do not work on me

TriggerFinger: Oh, cool

TriggerFinger: Wait...

TriggerFinger: Oh no

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I think I see where this is going

Kunikida’s Headache: Yeah, so I knew Yosano-sensei’s treatment doesn’t work on me, but i’d never been seriously hurt before and never got around to actually telling her

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Why didn’t you, btw? 

Kunikida’s Headache: Kept getting sidetracked by other things. Procrastination and a short attention span do not a productive Dazai make

Onii-sama~: I felt that in my fucking soul

Kunikida’s Headache: Anyways, so I know her ability doesn’t work on me and I also know she doesn’t know that yet 

Kunikida’s Headache: So please imagine my surprise and fear to start waking up from the fall only to see her with a fucking chainsaw coming at me! That shit scared me more than pretty much anything that’s ever happened to me, and I was in the mafia

Sherlock but better: With how loud you screamed, I’d believe it

Light Snow: For real, I didn’t even know your voice could go that high

Chu Chu Motherfucker: To be fair, if you didn’t tell her before hand and you got hurt from your own dumbass attempt, I think it’s fair to say you brought it on yourself

Kunikida’s Headache: Chiiiiibbbiiiii~ Your supposed to go all overprotective and come over to comfort me! I could have died! 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You jump off buildings and try to drown yourself in rivers for fun. At this point I don't think anything short of an act of God can kill you. Maybe not even that

Kunikida’s Headache: :(

Kunkida’s Headache: Does that mean you won’t come over?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Of course I’m coming over dumbass. You better have some wine though

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ew, old guy flirting! Take it to a private chat!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Gin I swear

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Indeed you do. All the time

Kunikida’s Headache: You’re not wrong

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I changed my mind, have fun being alone asshole

Kunikida’s Headache: No wait! 

Kunikida’s Headache: CCCCHHHHIIIIIBBBBIIII!!!!!!!! 

Kunikida’s Headache: I’ll use your door instead of the window when I break in next time! 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I hate that that even has to be an incentive, but fine

Sushi: Wait, so are we ever getting back to what Dazai-san tried to say at the beginning? 

Kunikida’s Headache: WAIT YEAH

Mother ™: Why have you done this Atsushi. We were so close

Sushi: Sorry?

Kunikida’s Headache: Ignore Kunikida-kun, he’s allergic to fun

Mother ™: I am not!

Kunikida’s Headache: Keep telling yourself that buddy

Kunikida’s Headache: Anyways, I had an idea …

Chapter Text

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Kunikida’s Headache: Anyways, I had an idea…

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I can already tell I’ll regret asking, but what?

Kunikida’s Headache: Well, back when we were doing icebreakers, we only did FMK, and not even that many rounds! 

Kunikida’s Headache: So! Now that Kyoka-chan’s here, why don’t we give truth or dare a shot!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Well, he’s definitely had worse ideas

Mother ™: That's not saying much

Sherlock but Better: True

Kunikida’s Headache: Bullies, the lot of you!

TriggerFinger: I’m game

Onii-sama~: Sounds fun!

Light Snow: Guess that means I’m in too

Cowboy: Yay! A game! Let’s all get along!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I’m in!

P!ATD(ead body): Excellent idea Dazai-san

Sushi: Suck up

P!ATD(ead body): I will skin you

Sushi: Sure, the same day you get some eyebrows

TriggerFinger: OH SHIT!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: lolololol  You need some ice for that burn Ryuu?

P!ATD)ead body): Go fuck yourselves

Sushi: Nah

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: K, whoever taught Atsushi sass your my new favorite

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Guilty

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Bless you child

P!ATD(ead body): I hate it here

Sushi: But it does sound like fun Dazai-san :)

Cowboy: Yeah! Playing games with friends is always fun :D

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Why not?

TheResponsibleOne: Do you want the list in chronological or alphabetical order

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Lol

TheResponsibleOne: But, something tells me we will be doing it anyways, so I shall join.

TheResponsibleOne: So long as Kyoka-chan wants to, of course

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Sure, sounds like fun

Kunikida’s Headache: Alright then, Lets do this!

Kunikida’s Headache: And since it was MY brilliant idea, I’m choosing first (* ^ ω ^)

Light Snow: Fucking

Light Snow: STOP

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh Kunikiiiiiiiida-kuuuuuuun~

Mother ™: I immediately regret this

Chu Chu Motherfucker: That's the normal reaction to his ideas

Kunikida’s Headache: Mean! Now pick truth or dare

Mother ™: Truth

Sherlock but Better: Pussy

Mother ™: I am not! I am simply smart enough to know that if HE is the one giving it, you do NOT want to pick dare. It will definitely end in property damage and most likely someone in the hospital. 

Grandpa: That is a smart decision

Chu Chu Motherfucker: True, though whether the hospital visit is for Glasses or the Dumbass is up in the air

Kunikida’s Headache: You're all rude! 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: And you're holding up the game! Ask him something already!

Kunikida’s Headache: Fine (￣ヘ￣)

Mother ™: Wait!

TriggerFinger: Oh for the love of

Mother ™: Before you ask your question, I am setting a ground rule now that they must be acceptable for present company to hear. 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Translation: Keep it PG Dazai

Kunikida’s Headache: You’re no fun 

Kunikida’s Headache: But fine, I’ll keep it child (and Atsushi) friendly

Sushi: Why am I being involved in this?

Kunikida’s Headache: Kunikida-kun, have you ever broken the law and if so, I want the story 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Oh, I’m actually kinda interested in this one

Light Snow: Same

Mother ™: Of course not! I am a good, law abiding citizen!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Can’t tell if that was supposed to be a jab at us or not

Sherlock but Better: It was. Also, are you sure about that Kunikida?

Mother ™: …

Kunikida’s Headache: Hell yeah! Ranpo-san with the assist!

Kunikida’s Headache: Come on Kunikida-kuuun~ You already chickened out by picking truth now spill the tea!

Mother ™: Ranpo-san why?

Sherlock but Better: Cause if you have to tell it, I can demand to see the pics I know you have

Kunikida’s Headache: There's PICTURES?!?!

Mother ™: *sigh*

Notice Me: Man really just typed *sigh*

Mother ™: Okay fine!

Mother ™: I might have, at one point…

Mother ™: And keep in mind this was long before I joined the agency!

Mother ™: … stolen something

Kunikida’s Headache: HA! I knew there had to be something! What did you steal?!?!

Mother ™: Thats not important! I did it, I’m ashamed of it, and I eventually went back to pay for it afterwards! Lets move on!

Kunikida’s Headache: Nuh-uh your not getting away that easy! What did you steal? And where are those pics Ranpo-san mentioned?

Mother ™: I hate you

Kunikida’s Headache: Cool cool, now spill!

Mother ™: It was a…

Mother ™: Do I really have to say it?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yup. Now hurry up old man!

Mother ™: Fine!

Mother ™: … Do you know those ghillie suits? The ones for camouflage?

Kunikida’s Headache: ...No way

Mother ™: It was one time!

Kunikida’s Headache: This is the best day of my life

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Why the fuck would you steal that of all things? 

Onii-sama~: It does seem pretty random

M other ™: I was planning to go camping for a few weeks! My co-workers at my old job recommended it as a way to “de-stress”

Mother ™:  So, I thought it might help me camp more efficiently, seeing as it seemed the most adaptive attire for the wilderness! I hoped it would help me observe and understand the organization of life in the wild so I could “de-stress” in the most efficient way possible

TriggerFinger: D-Do you even know what that word means?

Kunikida’s Headache: Somedays, I truly doubt it

Mother ™: Shut up Dazai! 

Mother ™: Regardless, as I looked for one that would match the color scheme of my chosen camping environment

Chu Chu Motherfucker: OK, seriously. Even I’m getting concerned you legitimately don’t know how relaxing works

Mother ™: I understand it just fine!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Coulda fooled me

Mother ™: Moving on!

Mother ™: I was at the store looking for the best one, and when I looked at the price tags, I realized they were all ridiculously expensive! At the time, I was on a not-so-generous salary and thus couldn’t afford it.

Mother™: I was, however, wearing a very large coat due to it raining that day

Notice Me : I see where this is going

Mother ™: It was one time! I’m not proud of it, and once I joined the agency I went back and paid for it! 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Gotta love how he’s defending it like he thinks he’s committed the worst crime possible, but he’s in a chat with members of the fuckin mafia

Sushi: It’s just kinda how he is.

Mother ™: And what exactly do you mean by that, Atsushi?

Sushi: Nothing! I just mean you're very honest and driven by your morals!

Sushi: Also, I’m sorry if this is a stupid question but what’s a “ghillie suit”?

P!ATD(ead body): Ignorant fool

Sushi: Can you just not for like ten minute?!?!?!
Cowboy: It's okay Atsushi-san! I don’t know what it is either :D

TriggerFinger: It's this 

TriggerFinger sent an image

Light Snow: That was super fast. Did you just have that pic saved on your phone or smth?

TriggerFinger: No comment

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Moving on, yes that's a ghillie suit but they can come in slightly varied colors. Basically, there good for camo or scaring the shit out of trick or treaters on halloween 

Light Snow: I take it you're speaking from experience on that last one?

P!ATD(ead body): There's a reason we don’t get trick or treaters anymore

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Is it bad that I kinda want to do that this Halloween?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Probably, but tbh I want to try it too

Notice Me: Same

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: :)

Grandpa: Sometimes, you truly worry me

P!ATD(ead body): Only sometimes?

Grandpa: I only have to keep her under some degree of control for a few hours a day. She’s your problem the rest of the time, which I truly pity you for

P!ATD(ead body): Fair

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Rude

Kunikida’s Headache: NEways, Ranpo-san mentioned pics

Kunikida’s Headache: Care to deliver, Kunikida-kun~?

Mother ™: Of course not! Besides, I don’t carry them with me everywhere I go you fool! 

Sherlock but Better: True, but you do have them saved on your phone

Kunikida’s Headache: HAH!

Mother ™: Ranpo-san, with all due respect fuck you

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: MOM SWORE!

Mother ™: You saw nothing

Kunikida’s Headache: Lol, sure jan. Now fork over those pics

Mother ™: I hate you with every fiber of my being

Mother ™ sent an image. It’s Kunikida standing next to a green and brown ghillie suit that he’s holding in front of a tree, the suit almost blending in with it. 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Huh

Sushi: Gonna be honest, that wasn’t what I was expecting 

Light Snow: Same

Notice Me: Yeah, especially with the whole no glasses thing

Kunikida’s Headache: No kidding

Mother ™: And just what do you all mean by that?!?!

TriggerFinger: Well…

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: We just weren’t expecting you to look so… like that

Sherlock but Better: Yeah, even I wasn’t expecting THAT

Mother ™: What does that mean ?!?!?!

TheResponsibleOne: …

Grandpa: …

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: ...

P!ATD(ead body): …

LEMONS!!!: ...

Chu Chu Motherfucker: K, if no one else is gonna say it, I will. You look hot in that pic

Mother ™: Excuse Me?!?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: The man calls it like he sees it ig

Notice Me: To be fair, where's the lie

TriggerFinger: True

Kunikida’s Headache: Chuuya!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I can see you right next to me. Don't even try to act like you weren’t thinking the same thing

Kunikida’s Headache: Do you think he’s hotter then me? :(

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Shut up, I still like you better

Kunikida’s Headache: :D

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Shut the fuck up

Notice Me: Gay

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Indeed we are, thanks for noticing. Also, your one to talk

Notice Me: Wait what?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wait what?

Mother ™: Alright, now that my suffering is finally over 

Kunikida’s Headache: Lol he thinks it’ll stop, how adorable

Mother ™: … fml

Mother ™: Regardless, I will be moving this ridiculous game along. Chuuya-san, truth or dare?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Dare, I ain’t no bitch

Kunikida’s Headache: Well…

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I will literally throw you through a wall. Don’t test me, I’ll do it

Kunikida’s Headache: Fine, fine

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Anyways, @ Mother ™ hit me

Mother ™: Very well. I dare you to not drink wine for a full month

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Wait no

TheResponsibleOne: Wow, hitting him right where it hurts, aren't you

Onii-sama~: Kunikida-san’s taking no prisoners lol. RIP Chuuya-san

Mother ™: He asked for dare. Besides, it would be beneficial for his health if he cut down on his alcohol consumption!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Physical health, maybe, but my sanity Kunikida. What about my sanity ?

TheResponsibleOne: Come now lad, you can last a month. Just drink water

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You don’t understand, wine is the only way I can deal with my bandaged moron for more than an hour on a good day. 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: If you take it away, I can not be held responsible if your missing a member by the end of the week

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey!

Mother ™: I can live with that

Kunikida’s Headache: Again: Hey!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: … Your really sticking with this?

Mother ™: Yes I am

Chu Chu Motherfucker : ...fuck

Chu Chu Motherfucker: This is gonna be a long fucking month

Mother ™: Moving on, it is your turn now, Chuuya-san

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Fine, fine. Ane-san, truth or dare

TheResponsibleOne: Truth. I am rather comfortable not having to do something ridiculous, thank you very much

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Hey, I wouldn’t have made you do anything too bad!

TheResponsibleOne: Would I have needed to move off of my bed?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Well, yeah?

TheResponsibleOne: Then I am sticking with truth. I just made myself a cup of tea and am quite comfortable right now.

TheResponsibleOne: I do not plan to change that for whatever chaos you children create

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Alright, but you're no fun either

Mother ™: I most certainly am fun!

Sherlock but Better: Keep telling yourself that pal

Chu Chu Motherfucker: K, then who’s your favorite PM member?

TheResponsibleOne: Kyoka-chan

Notice Me: Welp, that was instant

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It surprises no one though

Notice Me: True

Kunikida’s Headache: Not so fast Ane-san~ 

Kunikida’s Headache: Kyoka-chan isn’t in the PM anymore, so you can't choose her 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I appreciate it though, Kouyou-san

TheResponsibleOne: Of course Kyoka-chan! I simply spoke the truth!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: K, but back to the question. 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Cause while he may be an asshole, the discount mummy does have a point, you can’t choose Kyoka-chan

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey! I wasn’t even doing anything bad this time!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Key phrase: this time

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Well Ane-san?

TheResponsibleOne: I certainly hope you’re not expecting to be picked, because you immediately lost that chance simply by being the one to ask the question

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Fuck. You’ve still gotta answer though

TheResponisibleOne: Hirotsu-san then

Grandpa: I appreciate it, Kouyou-san

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Uh hello? We’re right here!

TheResponsibleOne: Yes, and you all give me migraines except Hirotsu-san. Besides, I’ve known him the longest and he and I have pleasant shoji matches every wednesday during lunch

Boss: What about me?

TheResponsibleOne: I’m going to assume that’s a joke

Boss: Mean :(

Kunikida’s Headache: Deserved

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Deserved

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Deserved

President: Deserved

Boss: Hey!

Boss: Also, Fukuzawa-dono! Did you really come online just to insult me?

President: It’s better then coming online just to fish for a compliment

Boss: >:(

President: Don’t you have crime to commit?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn, the ADA president’s taking no prisoners either

Boss: He does. dw, I’ll keep him in check. Y’all keep going w the game, this is entertaining as hell

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Hell yeah, Elise to the rescue!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Elise your my new favorite

Boss: ;)

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Anyways, now that Ane-san has answered, and confirmed she in fact does not love me

Chu chu Motherfucker: My life is a lie

TheResponsibleOne: I told you I couldn’t pick you because you’re the one who asked! TheResponsibleOne: It’s the Rule of the Favorites Question!

Cowboy: What rule?

TheResponsibleOne: If you have multiple children and one of them asks you to pick a favorite between them, you are not allowed to pick the one who asked, whether they are your favorite or not. It’s the price they pay for asking

Cowboy: Wow! I didn't know that existed! Thanks for teaching me Miss!

TheResponsibleOne: So precious

Sushi: Isn’t he?

Light Snow: You don’t get to talk, buddy

Sushi: ?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, moving on from the weretiger being a confused pure boi, it’s your turn to choose someone, Kouyou-san

TriggerFinger: Something tells me I know who she’ll pick

TheResponsibleOne: Kyoka-chan!

TriggerFinger: Called it

Notice Me: Everybody did genius. You ain't special

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes, Kouyou-san? 

TheResponsibleOne: Truth or dare sweetie?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I’m neither a coward, nor in a comfortable position that I don’t want to move from. Give me dare

Mother ™: Not you too Kyoka-chan!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: lol

TheResponsibleOne: Wonderful choice dear!

TheResponsibleOne: As for the dare…

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Something tells me it’s not gonna be all that intense

TheResponsibleOne: I dare you to let me treat you to crepes for lunch everyday next week!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Aaaaaand there it is.

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Surprising no one

Notice Me: True

TriggerFinger: Hey! I say the obvious and you make fun of me, but when she does it, nothing?

Notice Me: She’s not an idiot

P!ATD(ead body): Are you sure about that? 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ryuu I stg

Onii-sama~: ANYWAYS!

Onii-sama~: Kyoka-chan, it’s your turn to choose a victim :)

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Hm….

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Atsushi truth or dare

Sushi: Uh, dare ig?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I dare you to make some more of that boiled tofu you made

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Boooooooo

Kunikida’s Headache: Whaaaaat? That's so booooring!

Sushi: Oh! Sure, thats easy enou-

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: But this time wear a blind fold. 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: No cheating using tiger senses either. I wanna see this

Sushi: WHAT?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Thats more like it :)

P!ATD(ead body) : Well this game just got a lot more interesting

P!ATD(ead body): ...

P!ATD(ead body): I approve

Kunikida’s Headache: hehehe Yes Kyoka-chan! Encourage the chaos!

Mother ™: DAZAI STOP CORRUPTING THE CHILDREN

Kunikida’s Headache: CORRUPT THE CHILDREN!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You are such an ass

Sushi: Kyoka-chan! You know I have to cut things and boil water, right?!?!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: You can heal really fast if worse comes to worst. 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Your doing this and I’m recording it

P!ATD(ead body): I would like that recording when you have it

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Sure

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn Ryuu, asking for vids of the weretiger? How bold

P!ATD(ead body): It’s to watch him hurt himself!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: What I’m hearing here is you want to watch him

TriggerFinger: Thats what I see

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Yep

P!ATD(ead body): No! Now lets hurry up and move on!

Sushi: But-

P!ATD(ead body): Whats this? Backing out of the dare? Such cowardice

Sushi: Oh, like you would want to do this!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: You’re not getting out of this big bro

Sushi: kjnfedlknf

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: ???

Light Snow: Welp, you broke him

Light Snow: Though I’ll be honest, I don’t actually know why

Sherlock but Better: I know

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: You always know

Sherlock but Better: Damn right ;)

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I cannot physically roll my eyes any harder

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Wait, but why did he flip out, Ranpo-san?

Kunikida’s Headache: I’ll take this one. Let me guess, that’s the first time you’ve called him big bro since it became official?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yeah, why?

Light Snow: Oh

Notice Me: Thats

TriggerFinger: Honestly, that’s kinda adorable

Onii-sama~: Isn’t it?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Wait, I’m still confused

Kunikida’s Headache: Thats why he freaked out, Kyoka-chan. He was caught off guard by you calling him your big brother. 

Kunikida’s Headache: If it makes you feel any better, I think it was a happy surprise

Sushi: It was

P!ATD(ead body): So you live. What a shame

Sushi: Yeah yeah emo boy, I’ll deal with your death threats later

TriggerFinger: emo boy

P!ATD(ead body): Weretiger, the next time I see you, its on sight

Sushi: Sure

Sushi: Anyways, if you really want me to, I guess I can try blindfolded tofu making

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Sweet!

Sushi: :)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, thats cute an all, but it’s getting real late, so hurry up with the next dare so we can squeeze a few more rounds out of today

TriggerFinger: That sounded so wrong

Sushi: Oh! Thats me then, I guess. 

Sushi: Uhhhhhhhhhh

Sushi: Dazai-san

Chapter Text

Previously

Sushi: Uhhhhh

Sushi: Dazai-san

Now

Kunikida’s Headache: Give me dare or give me death!

Sushi: Uh okay

Sushi: Um…

P!ATD(ead body): If you can’t think of something just ask someone else to give you an idea so we can move on, fool

Sushi: I have one! 

Sushi: I just don’t know if I should say it…

Kunikida’s Headache: Aw, come on Atsushi-kun! I promise I can take whatever you throw at me!

Sushi: ...It’s not that I don't think you can, its just I don't feel right daring you to do it

Sherlock but Better: Do it

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Ranpo coming in with the assist? The plot thickens

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wait, are you saying that cause you know what he’s gonna ask or cause you want to see whatever chaos a dare he’s embarrassed about will bring

Sherlock but Better: I know what he’s going to dare. And you should do it @Sushi. No one’s gonna be angry

Notice Me: K, now I’m getting scared

Kunikida’s Headache: Same tbh

Sushi: S-Sorry! Um

Sushi: …

Sushi: I dare you to take better care of yourself for a full month

Sushi: Please

Kunikida;s Headache: See? That wasn’t so ba-

Kunikida’s Headache: Wait what

TriggerFinger: Say what now?

Boss: Well well

Sushi: That means getting a full 8 hours of sleep, three healthy meals a day and no suicide attempts. 

Sushi: Maybe get a bit of exercise too please?

Kunikida’s Headache: …

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Huh. 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Well shit

Notice Me: Wow. Definitely not was I was expecting

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Same. Can’t tell if I’m disappointed or my heart is melting tbh

Sushi: I-I’m so sorry! I’m totally overstepping by asking you to do this aren’t I?

Sherlock but Better: No, you're playing the game. He asked for a dare and you gave him one, so now he’s gotta do it

Sherlock but Better: Right Dazai? :)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Aaaaand I’m suddenly intimidated by dollar store Sherlock 

Sherlock but Better: :)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I fear

TriggerFinger: Same

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: You should

Chu Chu Motherfucker: So, just an fyi you’re not gonna be getting any responses from Dazai for a while. He’s kinda gone comatose just staring at his phone

Sushi: He did?!?!?!

Sushi: I'M SO SORRY!!!!! 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Are you?

Sushi: ?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: For daring him to take better care of himself. Are you sorry?

Sushi: Oh

Sushi: I mean, I’m not sorry for being concerned for him and wanting him to take better care of himself

Sushi: I'm worried about him

Sushi: But I feel bad daring him to do it. It feels like I’m forcing him to do something that should be his choice

Sushi: I’m sorry Dazai-san

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You don’t need to apologize kid

Sushi: But-

Mother ™: He’s right, you did nothing wrong

Sherlock but Better: Hear that Dazai? He feels bad for wanting you to take care of yourself. Anything you want to say bout that? 

Kunikida’s Headache: Ranpo-san all due respect your an asshole

Sherlock but Better: You know it ;)

Sherlock but Better: Now do you have anything to say?

Sushi: Dazai-san! I’m so sorry my dare upset you! 

Kunikida’s Headache: It… didn’t

Kunikida’s Headache: It just shocked me

Sushi: ...Are you mad?

Kunikida’s Headache: No, and you don't need to feel guilty

Kunikida’s Headache: You were just following the rules of the game after all, so don’t worry :)

Kunikida’s Headache: Besides, even if you did do something wrong how could I stay mad at such an adorable little apprentice?

P!ATD(ead body): …

Supernatural Siblings

Sam: Ryuu? You good?

Dean: I’m fine

Sam: Sus

The Government’s Future Aneurysm

Sushi: Are you sure Dazai-san?

Kunikida’s Headache: Yep!

Sushi: Okay

Sushi: Does that mean you're going to do it then? 

Kunikida’s Headache: Uhhhhh…

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Yes

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Yes he is. I’ll make sure of it

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey! I didn’t agree to this

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Too bad. Truth or dare was your idea, you requested dare, and you admitted his dare was fair game

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Your doing it 

Kunikida’s Headache: Fffffffiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeeee

Kunikida’s HEadache: But your cooking my food then

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Cook your own damn food!

Kunikida’s Headache: pleeeeeeeaaaaasssssse

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Your insufferable

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Fine

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Whipped

Chu Chu Motherfucker: stfu

Kunikida’s Headache: Yay! ＼(≧▽≦)／

Light Snow: gdi not again

Kunikida’s Headache: btw, how did you know he’d ask that Ranpo-san? 

Sherlock but Better: Oh that? It was pretty easy after he asked me if I knew if you get enough sleep outside of the office

Kunikida’s Headache: … 

P !ATD(ead body): Fuckin stalker

Sushi: No I’m not! And you’re one to talk!

Kunikida’s Headache: And why exactly were you asking, Atsushi-kun?

Mother ™: Indeed. With all of the napping he does instead of paperwork, you would think rest is something he has a plethora of

Sushi: Um, actually it was because of the naps. Or I guess lack of them

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: And what does that mean?

Sushi: I uh kinda found out he’s not actually resting when he “naps” at the office?

Kunikida’s Headache: …

Sushi: It was an accident I swear!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: What do you mean?

Sushi: Um…

Sushi: K, so you know how I have tiger senses?

Mother ™: Yes?

Sushi: Well, one day Kyoka-chan asked me to transform my hands so she could pet my paws

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: They’re soft

TriggerFinger: Well that's adorable

Onii-sama~: ikr? But continue Atsushi

Sushi: So I transformed, which kicks my senses into high gear and when I’m like that I can hear v good

Sushi: Like, actually hear peoples heartbeats good

Sushi: So I’m hearing, well, everything and notice that Dazai-san’s heart isn’t slow? Like, he was on the couch pretending to take a nap, but his heart was too fast so I knew he wasn’t actually resting. 

Sushi: I got kind of concerned, but hoped it was a one time thing, so I checked again the next time he “slept” but it was still too fast, and then again the next time so…

Sushi: I got worried and asked Ranpo-san if he was sleeping enough since he didn’t do it at the agency

Kunikida’s Headache: ...

Kunikida’s Headache: Well well, you’ve gotten more observant without me noticing

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Wait, so he’s right?

Kunikida’s Headache: Um… 

Kunikida’s Headache: Yes?

Mother ™: …

Mother ™: Are you alright? Do you have trouble sleeping?

President: Dazai, if you are ever tired, please inform me. Your health is important and I am more than happy to give you some time off to take care of yourself

Light Snow: Or are we too loud in the office? If you tell us, we’ll keep it quiet, I promise!

Cowboy: Yeah! We’ll be super quiet!

Onii-sama~: And if it’s too bright, I’ll close the blinds for you! Harano too probably, just ask!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: My office is always open if you're having issues. I either have or can get access to something that’ll help you sleep if you want

Kunikida’s Headache: Guys, I’m okay I jus-

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You told me you don’t sleep much at home cause you do it at the agency!

Kunikida’s Headache: I do sleep at the agency! Just not that often…

Chu Chu Motherfucker: …

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Thats it, not only are you doing the bet, I’m forcing you to get 8 hours for the rest of your fucking life. No arguments

Kunikda’s Headache: But Chuuuuuuu

Kunikida’s Headache: I’m fine!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Bullshit. Your sleeping more, end of story

Kunikida’s Headache: :(

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Deal with it. And pick the next one cause your going to bed soon even if I have to knock you out to make it happen

Kunikida’s Headache: Mean!

Kunikida’s Headache: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Akutagawa-kun your up

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Which one?

Kunikida’s Headache: The one who’s not a gremlin

TriggerFinger: That doesn’t really narrow it down 

P!ATD(ead body): Excuse you

TriggerFinger: Did I stutter?

P!ATD(ead body): No, but you will be getting thrown off a building later

TriggerFinger: Sure buddy

P!ATD(ead body): Moving on, I pick dare Dazai-san

Kunikida’s Headache: Was hoping you’d say that :)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: And suddenly I fear for his life

Kunikida’s Headache: :)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Dear god

Kunikida’s Headache: Calm down, I’m just kidding

Kunikida’s Headache: I dare you to wear a neon pink coat to work instead of your usual black one for the next 2 weeks. A rainbow one would also work. Lets add a matching cap too, while we’re at it

P!ATD(ead body): … Dazai-san why

Kunikida’s Headache: Cause I wanna see a bright pink and/or rainbow Rashomon wrecking shit lol

TriggerFinger: … Is it bad that I want to see a rainbow rashomon now?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Same. Like, what would that look like?

Notice Me: Like you’re about to be murdered by the worlds most bloodthirsty pride flag?

P!ATD(ead body): WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP!

Kunikida’s Headache: Come on Akutagawa-kun, you’ve got to start wearing other clothes

Kunikida’s Headache: Seriously, I gave that coat to you and I think you should branch out more! 

Kunikida’s Headache: The dares only the first step though, @TheSuperiorAkutagawa pls help your brother stop dressing like an emo vampire

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Say less

P!ATD(ead body): Gin, you are not touching my clothes

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh c'mon, what's the worst that could happen?

TriggerFinger: You want an actual answer?

P!ATD(ead body): The scary thing is I really don’t know!

Grandpa: I have an alphabetical list and one from most to least property damage 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Screw you guys

P!ATD(ead body): No, you don’t understand

P!ATD(ead body): One time I left her alone with a load of my laundry for five minutes at MOST

P!ATD(ead body): And I come back to half of them drenched in vinegar and the other half on FIRE! 

Onii-sama~: How the hell'd you manage that?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I told you I tripped and knocked a bottle of vinegar into your clothes basket!

P!ATD(ead body): THEN WHERE DID THE FIRE COME FROM?!?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I DIDN’T KNOW TRYING TO DRY THEM ON THE STOVE WOULD BE A BAD IDEA

TriggerFinger: You tried to dry clothes on the stove?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Please tell me you at least have an electric stove and not one with an open flame

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: …

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It seemed like a good idea at the time

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: And I kept them really high up, I don't know how they caught!

P!ATD(ead body): This is what I deal with everyday

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I am so sorry

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Kyoka! 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I’m sorry, but…

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu:: Come on

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Screw you guys!!!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Also, have fun being a neon pink target Ryuu cause I’m not saving your ass!

P!ATD(ead body): I don’t need you to save me. I will be fine no matter how my clothes look

Sushi: Dazai-san, you might have killed me

Light Snow: Wait, why?

Sushi: Cause if we fight, he’s probably going to have a million free shots at me cause I’ll be too busy laughing at him trying to keep up his whole cold-blooded emo vampire schtick while he’s wearing a bright pink hat and having no idea how to keep it on his head

Sushi: Couple that with him probably getting really embarrassed about the coat but trying to pretend he's not and I’m basically a dead man

Light Snow: I see your point

Onii-sama~: Hey, at least you’re going out with a laugh lol

P!ATD(ead body): Your a dead man the next time I see you either way Weretiger

Sushi: Welp

Cowboy: It really do be like that sometimes

Notice Me: Okay, who’s teaching him memes?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Guilty

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Dazai-san and Ranpo-san are also guilty

Kunikida’s Headache: Fuckin snitch

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: -_-

TheResponsibleOne: Would you like to repeat what you just said to Kyoka-chan, Dazai~?

Kunikida’s Headache: N-No ma’am

Kunikida’s Headache: @Bunnies and Boiled Tofu I’m sorry please don't let your momma bear castrate me

Cowboy: What's castrate?

Sherlock but Better: A bad time for Dazai

Chu Chu Motherfucker: What the half-baked mummy deserves

Kunikida’s Headache: CHUUYA!!!!

Kunikida’s Headache: YOU’RE MY BOYFRIEND! HELP ME!!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh, not a chance. You and I both know if Ane-san’s out for blood there’s nothing I can do to stop her

Kunikida’s Headache: CHUU?!?!?!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: It’s fine Kouyou-san

TheResponsibleOne: If you say so dear

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh thank fuck

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Damn

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, while this has been a nice episode of Keeping Up With the Soukoku Disasters, I thought we were playing a game here

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Excuse you, there is only one disaster here and it sure as shit isn’t me

Kunikida’s Headache: tf???

Kunikida’s Headache: Why am I getting bullied so much???

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Cause I haven’t had a drink in the last 2 hours and wont be getting one for the rest of the month

Chu Chu Motherfucker: If I suffer, you do too bitch

Kunikida’s Headache: Guess I’ll die then

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Nope, you’re not getting away that easy

Sherlock but Better: Also, Atsushi’s dare says you cant :)

Kunikida’s Headache: …

Kunikida’s Headache: Fuck

Notice Me: HELLO! THE GAME!

Notice Me: GET YOUR GAY ASSES IN GEAR AND FOCUS !!!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Thank you, I was ready to stab someone

Notice Me: :)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: njwefdnn

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: NEways Ryuu! Choose a victim!

P!ATD(ead body): You, bitch

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Now why the hostility? :)

P!ATD(ead body): Maybe I’m simply avenging the clothes you murdered

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I said I was sorry

P!ATD(ead body): No! You didn’t!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oops. Sorry

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Now dare me bitch

P!ATD(ead body): Fine

P!ATD(ead body): …

P!ATD(ead body): …

Sushi: “iF YOu CanT THinK Of SomEThInG JusT ASk SOmEoNE eLsE to GiVE yoU An iDeA”

P!ATD(ead body): I will stab you

Kunikida’s Headache: With a pink Rashomon I hope

Sushi: No pls

P!ATD(ead body): Yes

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Quit flirting, I want my dare

P!ATD(ead body): I’m thinking!!!

Dazai Osamu to Ryuunosuke Akutagawa

Demon Prodigy: Having trouble Akutagawa-kun? 

Rabid Dog: Dazai-san! 

Rabid Dog: No no! I can do it I swear!

Demon Prodigy: It’s fine, really

Rabid Dog: … it is?

Demon Prodigy: Of course! It’s a game, eveyrones supposed to just have fun!

Rabid Dog: … but don’t you try to make everyone else miserable or look like an idiot in every game you’ve ever played?

Demon Prodigy: Irrelevant

Demon Prodigy: The point is, if you’re not having fun or aren’t comfortable with this, then ask for help so we can get it over with and you can go back to a part of the game that you do like!

Demon Prodigy: Like making fun of Gin :)

Rabid Dog: …

Rabid Dog: I could use a suggestion if that’s alright

Demon Prodigy: Of course it is! And I have a few in mind :)

Rabid Dog: What have I agreed to?

The Government’s Future Aneurysm

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: So, did he fall asleep or…

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: No, he’s awake, I just don't know what the hell he’s doing

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Since it's clearly not giving me my dare which i'm STILL waiting for!!!

P!ATD(ead body): Stop whining, I was simply getting inspiration

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Inspiration? What inspiration?

Kunikida’s Headache: :)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You didn’t 

P!ATD(ead body): This is for the clothes you slaughtered

P!ATD(ead body): I dare you to do your next stake out in a big bird costume, and at midnight run through the street singing the Narwhal Song

P!ATD(ead body): Still in costume

Sushi: …

TriggerFinger: …

Onii-sama~: …

Mother ™: ...

Light Snow: …

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: …

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: …

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: @Kunikida’s Headache This is your doing isn’t it

Kunikida’s Headache: Technically I gave him two separate ideas. He’s the one that combined them

Kunikida’s Headache: Gotta admit, I’m loving the chaotic final product though, nice job Akutagawa-kun

P!ATD(ead body): Thank you Dazai-san

Notice Me: Wait, so you suggested either dressing in a big bird costume or running down the street singing the Narwhal song?

Kunikda’s Headache: Yep!

Notice Me: ...

Notice Me: What the hell?

TriggerFinger: Are we sure he isn’t high on sleep deprivation right now cause what the actual fuck?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Honestly, since Dazai was involved this was actually way tamer then it could have been. 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Looks like I need a big bird costume

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Your paying my medical bills if it gets me noticed and shot though

Kunikida’s Headache: Deal

Notice Me: UM NO NOT DEAL?!?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: What?

Notice Me: Your not getting shot?!?!?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Calm down I’ll be fine

Notice Me: I just don’t want you getting hurt

TheSuperiorAkutagwa: Oh

TheSuperiorAkutagwa: Uh, thanks. I’ll try not to then

Notice Me: Good :)

TheSuperiorAkutagwa: obferbklfDlnk;

TriggerFinger: Uh, you good there Gin?

P !ATD(ead body): For those wondering, my sister is in fact alive

P !ATD(ead body): Whether the same can be said for her phone or not is unknown because she just chucked it across our living room

P !ATD(ead body): It made a dent in our wall

Notice Me: ??? Any particular reason why?

TheSuperiorAkutagwa: DoNT WOrrY ABoUt It

P !ATD(ead body): Well look who's phone still lives

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Up your shut fuck

Kunikida’s Headache: What an unexpected turn of events~

Chu Chu Motherfucker: This is what you were really after wasn’t it

Kunikida’s Headache: Why whatever could you mean? 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. You’re a bastard

Kunikida’s Headache: Your bastard <3

Chu Chu Motherfucker: No

Kunikida’s Headache: <3<3<3

Chu Chu Motherfucker: K, you go fuck yourself. Gin, pick a victim

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh shit right

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Tachi, your up

TriggerFinger: I know I’m going to regret this but dare

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: How is it you don't choose truth but still manage to be a lil bitch

TriggerFinger: Well fuck you too

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: No thanks. But what I will do is dare you to do what I just DMed you

TriggerFinger: What?

TriggerFinger: Oh

TriggerFinger: Gin please no

TriggerFinger: Any one of them will actually kill me!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Guess you’d better not get caught then, huh?

TriggerFinger: Is this about the oreo’s? Cause I’ll buy you more oreo’s just please not this!

P !ATD(ead body): Coward

TriggerFinger: If YOU knew what she was daring me to do you’d be scared too!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: My forgiveness is not so easily bought. Nothing short of slaying a dragon or something of equal danger will suffice

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: So have fun :)

Triggerfinger: @Grandpa If I die I leave everything to you. Gin’s a petty bitch and gets nothing

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Lol, you think I wont steal your shit when your gone. How precious

TriggerFinger: fml. Welp, I’m off to die, see y’all in hell 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Should we be concerned?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: That it’s Dazai’s bedtime? Absolutely

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Shit your rig-

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Get back in here asshole!

Light Snow: ?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: He tried to bolt out the window

Light Snow: Ah

Mother ™: Sounds about right

Sushi: Goodnight Dazai-san! Thank you for doing the dare! 

Kunikida’s Headache: I…

Kunikida’s Headache: Your welcome Atsushi-kun

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Update: He’s now pouting at his phone in defeat but stopped trying to run. Thanks kid

Sushi: Uh? Your welcome?

Light Snow: Honestly, I’m gonna sign off too. Me and Naomi need dinner

Mother ™: I think we should all start preparing for sleep as well. Good night everyone, and be sure to be on time for work tomorrow

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Its like 6

Onii-sama~: It’s just kinda how he is

Sushi: Yes Kunikida-san!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: yeah yeah

Sherlock but Better: yes mom

Mother™: M-Mom?!?! I am not a mom!

Sherlock but Better: I think your user disagrees

Mother ™: I’m NOT! Now everyone to bed!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Fine, imma put Ryuu to bed 

P !ATD(ead body): I do not get “put to bed”!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: So we’ll be signing off too. Night Y’all

TheResponsibleOne: I think everyone is logging off, so goodnight everyone

Cowboy: Night!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh, and if you ever read this Tachi, good luck! See you in the morning :)

LEMONS!!!: Even I fear for his safety

Light Snow: RIP

LEMONS!!!: RIP indeed

Chapter Text

The Government’s Future Aneurysm

Chu Chu Motherfucker: ALRIGHT WHERE IS HE

Notice Me: ?

Grandpa: I would also like to know 

Onii-sama~: Who are you guys talking about?

Mother ™: And why?

TheResponsibleOne: Come out lad we just want to talk

Light Snow: ???

Sushi: I am incredibly confused but also kinda terrified

Cowboy: Me too 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I don’t know what's going on, but if Kouyou-san’s this mad then you definitely should be

Sherlock but Better: I know

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Yes yes, you know everything, we’re aware

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: now spill

Sherlock but Better: All I’ll say is many wonderful things happened because of that ToD session last night 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: K wtf does that mean you cryptic bastard?

Kunikida’s Headache: It means that Tachi’s a dead man walking

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: ???

Light Snow: Wait, what did he do?

Kunikida’s Headache: Well, I cant say with 100% certainty for Ane-san and Hirotsu-san, but I do know what he did to the Slug and...

Kunikida’s Headache: It was nice knowing you Tachi, Chibi’s gonna kill you

Kunikida’s Headache: The others too if I’m guessing right

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Wait, what did he do?

Kunikida’s Headache: He stole a bottle of petrus from Chibi’s apartment

Light Snow: Petrus?

Kunikida’s Headache: It’s an incredibly overpriced wine

Notice Me: Oh shit

P!ATD(ead body): Well, Dazai-san was right

P!ATD(ead body): Say goodbye Tachihara, it was unpleasant knowing you

Notice Me: I give him till the end of the day

LEMON!!!: I give him 8 hours

P!ATD(ead body): I give him 3

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Please

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Y’all forgetting that it’s not just Chuuya-san hunting him

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: He’ll last an hour, tops

P!ATD(ead body): Ah, and here’s the one responsible for this chaos 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Why whatever could you mean Ryuu? 

P!ATD(ead body): Don’t play innocent, this is because of your dare from yesterday isn’t it?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ryuu! Such slander!

theSuperiorAkutagawa: How could you accuse your own sister of such misdeeds!

P!ATD(ead body): You’re no sister of mine, you’re a gremlin in human form

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I’m wounded!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Just because I know Tachi stole a bottle of petrus from Chuuya-san, a pack of Hirotsu-san’s cigarettes and some of Kouyou-san’s sake, doesn’t mean I was involved at all :)

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Wait, he stole Kouyou-san’s sake? RIP Tachi, it was nice knowing you

Chu Chu Motherfucker: SO IT WAS YOU

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: No, Tachi really is the one who stole it all

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It may, however, have something to do with my dare last night :)

Grandpa: Gin

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Hey, I’m technically innocent here! I literally did nothing! I only texted Tachi something

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Plus, shouldn’t you all get back to tracking down Tachi to skin him alive or smth?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: He’s in the bosses office hiding behind Elise btw

TriggerFinger: GIN YOU FUCKING SNITCH

TriggerFinger: This was your fault in the first place! I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near that stuff if it wasn’t for your dare!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Ah, but you're still the one who did it, aren’t you? Therefore I’m innocent

Notice Me: Seems legit

P!ATD(ead body): Your honor, I’d like to call bullshit

TriggerFinger: ME TOO

TriggerFinger: Also Higuchi!

TriggerFinger: Why aren’t you on my side here?!?!?!

Notice Me: Cause you deserve this

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: See? She gets it

Notice Me: <3

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: ;kewdDlkloijfeohiefp

Notice Me: Uh???

P!ATD(ead body): Well Tachihara, at least when they murder you, you can go out knowing Gin also met her demise 

Triggerfinger: In a weird way that actually does make me feel better

Notice Me: ???

Sushi: Um, I’m sorry to interrupt

P!ATD(ead body): Then don't do it

Sushi: K, you know what Akutagawa

Sushi: Actually, no. Gonna ignore that for the moment

P!ATD(ead body): Coward

Kunikida’s Headache: Ah, young love

P!ATD(ead body): ?ERJPJERFJPRE

Sushi: MLDEWJEWFP

Sushi; ANYWAYS

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Notice how they didn’t deny it

Sushi: K WE’RE MOVING ON NOW THANK YOU

Sushi: ANYWAYS

Sushi: What I was trying to ask earlier was do you still have all of the things you took Tachihara-san?

TriggerFinger: Yeah?

TriggerFinger: Also, you can drop the -san, I’m only a year older and it just feels weird being called that

Sushi: Oh, uh sorry! I’ll try to stop!

Sushi: But anyways, if you still have it then

Sushi: @Grandapa @TheResponsibleOne @Chu Chu Motherfucker

Onii-sama~: Still waiting on Atsushi to type a swear that isn’t just Chuuya-san’s name

Sushi: Since it wasn’t really his idea, would you be willing to forgive him if he gives it all back and apologizes? 

Sushi: Or at least not kill him?

TheResponsibleOne: That depends

TheResponsibleOne: Tachihara, have any of our possessions been…

TheResponsibleOne: Altered?

Sherlock but Better: Translation: did you have any

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I mean, if we’re not mincing words then yeah

TriggerFinger: Oh! No not at all! I didn’t touch a thing I SWEAR!

TriggerFinger: Please Mercy!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Pussy

TriggerFinger: Screw you Gin! This is your fault in the first place!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I am blameless and have done nothing wrong ever

P!ATD(ead body): That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve heard and I’ve listened to the Jinko speak

Sushi: Literally what is your problem?!?!?!

P!ATD(ead body): You

Sushi: Oh for the love of

Sushi: You know what, I give up

P!ATD(ead body): How pathetic

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: So just an update: Atsushi just gave the loudest, longest sigh I’ve ever heard and I’ve seen Kunikida-san have to deal with Dazai-san

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY!

Light Snow: Damn, Akutagawa really do be out here destroying Atsushi’s will to live

P!ATD(ead body): I take my job very seriously

Sushi: And what job is that?!?! 

P!ATD(ead body): Causing you misery

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Aaaaaand his head just hit the desk. I think he’s officially given up with you 

P!ATD(ead body): Sometimes I really do love my job

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, so while my brother hate-flirting with the Weretiger is great and all

P!ATD(ead body): Hate-WHATING?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Can we get back to Tachi getting murdered?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You’ll be waiting a while then, cause we’re not killing him

TriggerFinger: Hah! Take that Gin!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Not today at least

TriggerFinger: I

TriggerFinger: You know what, I’ll take it

Grandpa: Indeed. He has returned what was taken and apologized profusely, so we shall be letting him off with a warning and an extra hour of Kajii duty

TheResponsibleOne: And a promise that should this happen again there will be… consequences

Onii-sama~: Well thats foreboding

Light Snow: Terrifying is what it is

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn

TriggerFinger: Fuck you Gin

TriggerFinger: 凸( ◕‿◕)凸

Light Snow: NOOOOO!!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I changed my mind, say goodbye bitch

TriggerFinger: Wait no! That wasn’t me!

TriggerFinger: Elise took my phone I swear!!!

Boss: Snitch

Notice Me: You know, I’m kind of surprised you didn’t have him take something from the boss too

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Nah, it would have been over way to fast

Light Snow: Aaaaaand I’m scared of the PM boss

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh no no

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: No offense to the boss or anything but I was talking about Elise

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: No one fucks with her stuff and lives

Boss: HEY?!?!

Boss: My own employee!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: She’s not wrong tho

TheResponsibleOne: She’s really not

Boss: WTF

Boss: ewkujfewolhiwefpowe

Boss: Don’t mind him, he’ll be away for a little while :)

Notice Me: …

P!ATD(ead body): …

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: …

LEMON!!!: …

LEMON!!!: jfc

TriggerFinger: K, while Elise being the true boss of the PM is great and all

Boss: Why thank you :)

Onii-sama~: I shivered

TriggerFinger: Can we get back to the issue at hand?

TriggerFinger: AKA: Figuring out why tf everyone’s trying to get me killed?!?!?

Notice Me: Cause it’s fun

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Pretty much. You make it way too easy

TriggerFinger: Wow, I used to have coworkers. Wonder what happened to them

Sushi: I’m glad everything worked out Tachihara-san!

TriggerFinger: Friendships ended with Gin, Higuchi, Elise, Kajii and Akutagawa. Now Atsushi’s my best friend

P!ATD(ead body): Since when are we friends

TriggerFinger: Ouchies

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: See, this is why people mess with you

Sushi: Um? Thank you Tachihara-san?

Sushi: I mean Tachihara! Sorry!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Deja vu

Kunikida’s Headache: I JUST BEEN IN THIS PLACE BEFORE!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: HIGHER ON THE STREET!

Sherlock but Better: AND I KNOW ITS MY TIME TO GO-O!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: gdi

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Its a good thing I got the Petrus back cause I need a drink

Sherlock but Better: I don’t think so. No drinking for a month, remember? :)

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh shiT I FORGOT

Kunikida’s Headache: HAHAHAHA

Chu Chu Motherfucker: …

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I changed my mind. I don't need a drink I need to kill my bandaged idiot

Mother ™: Sounds like a lovely alternative

Mother ™: It will probably do wonders for your stress levels

Kunikida’s Headache: MEAN

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You were literally just laughing at my misery!

Kunikida’s Headache: Yeah, cause its funny when it happens to you

Mother ™: Speaking of dares, how is the bandaged buffoon doing?

Sushi: Oh yeah! How did you sleep Dazai-san? Did you eat breakfast?

Mother ™: Are you on your way to work because it starts in 5 minutes and if you are late I will maim you?

Kunikida’s Headache: K, chill

Sushi: Oh, sorry!

Kunikida’s Headache: It’s cool. Also: Fine, yes and lol you wish

Mother ™: I am disappointed but not surprised

Sushi: I’m glad you're doing well! 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: He says that, but he left out the fact that I had to stay up for like 3 hours literally checking his pulse every couple of minutes to make sure he wasn’t just faking. 

Sushi: oh…

Sushi: But you both did eventually sleep?
Chu Chu Motherfucker: Yeah, we’re fine kid. I figured it’d be like that, which is why I put his ass to bed so early

Sushi: Oh okay!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Precious child

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Also, when you get here you should come to my office Dazai

ThouShaltnotBotherMe: I can get you something to help with sleep, I promise

Kunikida’s Headache: ...fine

Kunikida’s Headache: But moving on from that, lets get back to how everyone elses' dares went!

Kunikida’s Headache: cause I seem to recall someone needing to buy a big bird outfit for her next stakeout

Sherlock but Better: And relearn the Narwhal Song lol

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Jokes on you, I don’t have any stakeouts right now!

Mafia Mofos

Boss: Gin, I have a new mission for you

Boss: You should get some sleep now because you’re needed on a stakeout tonight

The Government's Future Aneurysm

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Fuck

TriggerFinger: And that folks is what we call karma

Mafia Mofos

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Can I bring Tachi with me?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Also, didn’t Elise kill you or smth?

Boss: She let me have my phone back on the promise that I buy her ice cream and a new box of crayons

Boss: And to answer your first question, if you believe it’s necessary then I see no reason why you couldn’t

TheSuperiorakutagawa: Oh, it is

The Government's Future Aneurysm

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: :)

TriggerFinger: Fuck

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: So, how long does someone have to be dead for it to be considered archaeology instead of grave robbing when you go through their stuff?

Triggerfinger: What?

Notice Me: I guess we’re on this now

Sushi: Kyoka-chan are you near a body? Are you okay???

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: I’m fine, I was just curious

Kunikida’s Headache: Archaeology is just grave robbing you get paid for tbf

TriggerFinger: Once more, with feeling: What?

Mother ™: I am incredibly concerned on a number of levels, but for now, I will just say this

Mother ™: Kyoka, I don’t care how long the body has been there or how old it looks, do not interact with it in any way. Call us, call the police, call a priest for all I care

Mother ™: Just please for the love of god, do not touch it

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Killjoy

Mother ™: Kyoka!

Onii-sama~: Someone’s been spending too much time with Dazai

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey I didn’t do it! She came like that!

TheResponsibleOne: It’s true, she did

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: :)

TheResponisbleOne: He’s right though, Kyoka-chan, you shouldn’t touch dead bodies unless you're the reason they’re there

Light Snow: I

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Fiiiiiiine, but you guys are no fun

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Plus you didn’t answer my question

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I mean, I’d assume it would need to have been there for a couple hundred years?

Sherlock but Better: You’re actually thinking about it?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Now that she’s asked, I’m kind of curious

Mother ™: I don’t get paid enough for this

President: Do you think so Kunikida?

Mother ™: President! I, uh, forgot you were here

Kunikida’s Headache: Busted lol

Mother ™: SHUT UP

Mother ™: Um, no sir, I was just making a joke

Sherlock but Better: Kunikida making a joke? Sounds sus

Mother ™: Ranpo-san istg

Sherlock but Better: lol

President: If you say so

Mother ™: I do sir

President: Very well

Sushi: Um, can we get back on topic please because WHY ARE YOU NEAR A DEAD BODY KYOKA-CHAN?!?!?!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Found it in an alley

Sushi: And instead of calling me or someone from the agency you texted the GC about going through its stuff?!?!?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Should I not have?
Sushi: I

Sushi: No

Sushi: No you should not have and please call one of us if you find something like this before you start thinking about taking dead people's things

Sushi: Also I'm coming to get you and we’re calling the police

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: fine, but you’re no fun either

Sushi: :/

Sushi: Guess you don't want me to make you dinner then

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: No wait! I’m soooooooorrrrrrrrryyyyyy

T heSuperiorAkutagawa: Awwww look! Bribery! 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Sibling bonding at its finest!

Sushi: Good, then please wait there. I’ll pick you up and we can talk to the police together

Sushi: Do you want some crepes afterwards?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes please

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: This just in, Atsushi is Big Brother Goals

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I hope your taking notes @P!ATD(ead body)

P!ATD(ead body): Excuse you

P!ATD(ead body): I do not need to take notes on the actions of someone who managed to fall over not once, not twice, but FOUR times, one almost landing him face first in a pot of boiling water, while cooking

Sushi: That doesn't count! I was blindfolded! 

Kunikida’s Headache: That reminds me, how did your blindfolded tofu making go?

Sushi: I mean, I fell a lot and Kyoka recorded it and apparently sent it to Akutagawa and probably some other people cause she likes to make me suffer, so not great 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Love ya bro

Sushi: Sure you do

Sushi: Anyways, it did wind up tasting pretty good and I didn’t lose any limbs so I guess it could have gone worse

P!ATD(ead body): Indeed it could have, seeing as you (unfortunately) missed the aforementioned boiling water. That would have been an amusing sight

Sushi: oh frick you Akutagawa

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: frick you

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: my heart

Notice Me: so... pure

Onii-sama~: sweet sunshine child

Grandpa: Even I must admit, that is quite adorable

Sushi: What? I’m not a big curser! 

Sushi: Also my boss is in the chat!

President: I appreciate the consideration Atsushi

Kunikida’s Headache: I feel like that was a jab at us

Sherlock but Better: oh it abso-fucking-lutely was

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: yep

Mother™: You people are the reason I will have grey hair before I turn 25

Mother™: Also, there is nothing wrong with refraining from swearing, especially in the presence of your superior

Sushi: THANK YOU!

Kunikida’s Headache: So, you want us to just ignore all the times you’ve cursed, one of which is recorded and forever immortalized by the GC or…

Mother™: Shut up

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: He’s serious about not being a big swearer though. One time he stubbed his toe walking around the kitchen and started “cursing”

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Except said curses included “mother flubbernuts”, “frick-frack” and “shoot”

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: ...

Kunikida’s Headache: ...

Literally everyone except Atsushi, Kyoka and Kenji: ...

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Are... Are you serious?

Sushi: What?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: @Sushi what starts with p and ends with orn?

Sushi: popcorn?

TriggerFinger: starts with f, ends in uck?

Sushi: firetruck?

Sushi: Why am I being tested rn?

TheSupremeAkutagawa: dear god

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I-I just can’t

Notice Me: so, just an FYI, I’m with senpai rn and I think he’s having an aneurysm 

Boss: HOW IS HE DAZAI’S STUDENT?!?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn, even the boss can't comprehend it

Boss: Fuck Rintarou, this is Elise (though he saw it and choked on his drink so good job kid, you almost killed him) and my question still stands: How?

Kunikida’s Headache: Well fuck you too

Sherlock but Better: I thought she was your favorite

Kunikida’s Headache: Favorite privileges revoked

Boss: Sure sure, now hoW IS HE STILL SO PURE™?!?!?!

Sushi: I don’t get it! Why are you guys freaking out about this?!?!

Cowboy: I’m confused too :D

Cowboy: What’s wrong with what he said? 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: @Everyone

Kunikida’s Headache: yeah?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Protect these children

Cowboy: ?

Sushi: ?!?!?! 

Sushi: I don’t? need to be protected?

Sushi: And neither does Kenji?

Kunikida’s Headache: true but you deserve to be 

Cowboy: ???

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: yep

Notice Me: agreed

Sushi: I-

TriggerFinger: no argument here

TheResponsibleOne: Indeed

Light Snow: yeah

LEMON!!!: Even I have to agree here kiddos

TheSupremeAkutagawa: Damn, not only did he agree, but there was no exclamation points

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Yes

Sushi: ?!??!?

P!ATD(ead body): no, fuck you jinko

Sushi: In a weird way I’m actually relieved by that response 

TheSupremeAkutagawa: ah, I see someone’s stopped having a heart attack due to pure boi overload

P!ATD(ead body): that was not pure. I was overwhelmed by his stupidity 

Sushi: Literally what did I do!?!??

Cowboy: I still don’t understand what just happened :D

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Don’t worry about it sweetie

Chapter Text

The Government’s Future Aneurysm

TriggerFinger: @P!ATD(ead body) Control your sister!

Light Snow: Wait what?

TriggerFinger: Well shit, this isn’t the PM GC

P!ATD(ead body): Your idiocy astounds me

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Seriously

TriggerFinger: YOU!

TriggerFinger: If I’m using the wrong group chat it’s because YOU just tried to kill me!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Do I even want to know?

Grandpa: Speaking from experience, you don’t

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Nah

TriggerFinger: YES!

TriggerFinger: THIS LIL’ SHIT

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh, I know you didn’t just take a shot at my height

Kunikida’s Headache: Careful Gin, your inner Chibi is showing

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh fuck you

TriggerFinger: Shut up! You lost the right to complain about anything I say after you almost blew me up!

Onii-sama~: K, let's back up a sec here. Wtf are you guys talking about

TriggerFinger: K, so Gin and I were on a stake out right?

Kunikida’s Headache: In costume I hope

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You know it

TheSuperiorAkutagawa:And I’ve gotta be honest, dressing in a giant yellow bird costume is surprisingly comfortable

Light Snow: That might be the weirdest sentence I’ve ever seen

Onii-sama~: Given the GC’s track record, probably not

Light Snow: True

Onii-sama~: And if it is, give the chat a couple hours, there’ll be something weirder

Light Snow: Also true

Mother™: Unfortunately 

TriggerFinger: K, getting back on track

TriggerFinger: So we’re on our stakeout and the whole night Gin’s had this big Pulp Fiction-esque briefcase next to her

TriggerFinger: Come 1 AM, she turns to me and says “showtime” with the most deranged smile I’ve ever scene

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Have you not seen Mori smile?

Boss: Excuse you

TriggerFinger: Yes and it was worse

TriggerFinger: No offense boss

Boss: EXCUSE YOU!

Kunikida’s Headache: lol

TriggerFinger: Anyways, she then opens the briefcase to reveal a shit ton of fireworks

TriggerFinger: I’m talking Kajii-level destructive potential here

LEMON!!!: WHY THANK YOU!!!

TriggerFinger: Shut up

TriggerFinger: Anyways, she also brings out a can of hairspray and a lighter and then tells me to get my phone out and start recording

Light Snow: Oh god

TriggerFinger: So, I get my phone out

Sherlock but Better: Why?

Sherlock but Better: Like, what part of this situation makes you think indulging her would be a good idea

TriggerFinger: There wasn’t any, I’m just a moron apparently

Notice Me: At least he admits it

TriggerFinger: SHUT

TriggerFinger: Anyways, I start recording and then she takes the lighter and hairspray and uses them to make a goddamn FLAMETHROWER which lights all the fireworks

TriggerFinger: I of course start panicking, because I thought I was about to get barbequed

Kunikida’s Headache: tbf death by firework is a pretty interesting way to go

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Don’t even think about it

Kunikida’s Headache: :(

TriggerFinger: But then she yells ‘run’ and we both start hauling ass down the street, her still in that dumbass Big Bird suit, as the street literally explodes around us!

LEMON!!!: I AM SO PROUD!

TriggerFinger: Oh SHUT UP! We could have died!

Sushi: Ah, so this is why I heard a giant explosion last night

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Wait, but we still need to answer a very important question:

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Did she sing the Narwhal Song?

TriggerFinger: YES! WHILE WE WERE RUNNING AFTER SHE NEARLY BLEW US BOTH UP!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It was worth it

Kunikida’s Headache: Go big or go home ig

P!ATD(ead  body): How have you not managed to kill yourself yet?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me

TriggerFinger: You’re a fucking maniac is what you are!

Notice Me: But you guys are okay, right?

Sushi: And everyone else on the street for that matter?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: We’re fiiiiiiiinnnnnneee. And don’t worry, the whole block’s been abandoned for like 2 years

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: No innocent bystanders were harmed in the making of the coolest Narwhal song video ever

TriggerFinger: NO INNOCENT BYSTANDERS MY ASS!

TriggerFinger: My jacket got set on fire and my ears are still ringing!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh quit your whining! You lived, right?

TriggerFinger: NO THANKS TO YOU!

Boss: While I am happy to see you stretching your creativity Gin, I do believe I gave you that mission to gather some information

Mafia Mofos

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Target A made contact with B at 11 PM

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Both wore hats to hide their faces and they talked for ~ 15 minutes, then B left with the package

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Drove away in a white van, plate number NOT POOR

Boss: …

Boss: That wasn’t the actual plate number, was it?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It sure was 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: As a side note: A was wearing the ugliest trench coat I’ve ever seen, so if your planning to look for him I’d start with people who have a shit sense of style

Boss: I’ll keep that in mind

The Government’s future Aneurysm 

Boss: Nevermind. Carry on

TriggerFinger: No not carry on!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I don’t think your gonna get anywhere with this Tachi

TriggerFinger: …

TriggerFinger: Fine. But Gin, you owe me a new jacket

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: K, but I’m choosing it

TriggerFinger: Oh hell no!

Light Snow: You know, we’re always talking about how Kunikida-san and Chuuya-san have it rough because they have to deal with Dazai

Kunikida’s Headache: Everyone’s always bullying me (╥ω╥)

Light Snow: gdi

Light Snow: Anyways, I think we’ve been overlooking the shit Gin puts Tachi through

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Hirotsu and her brother too for that matter

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: >:)

TriggerFinger: Heaven help me

P!ATD(ead body): Sadly, there is no helping us. We’re stuck with her

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: >:) >:) >:)

The Government’s Future Aneurysm

Mother™: Dazai, the next time you tie Atsushi’s belt to his chair, I’m stapling you to your own

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: He what now?

Sushi: Just… Why Dazai-san?

Kunikida’s Headache: Hey! I’m teaching you to always be on guard and be more aware of your surroundings!

Kunikida’s Headache: I’m mentoring

Mother™: Your an imbecile is what you are

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Your a dumbass is what you are

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh shit. Great minds ig

Kunikida's Headache: You’re both mean

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Says the guy who apparently ties his co-workers clothing to furniture

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: And not for the first time from the looks of it

Sushi: I wish

Chu Chu Motherfucker: How many times?

Mother™: Dazai has tied his belt to a chair 21 times, a table 13 times and a desk 17 times

Notice Me: What the fuck

Onii-sama~: One time, Dazai tied it to the legs of four desks that were set up in a square while Atsushi was sleeping

Mother™: While he was what -ing?!?!

Onii-sama~: Chill, he was on his break

Onii-sama~: Anyways, when he woke up he went to get some water

Notice Me: Uh, wasn’t he still tied to the ring of desks?

Onii-sama~: Yep, but he was so out of it he didn’t even notice until he reached the door and couldn’t get through 

Onii-sama~: He then turned around and just stared at the parade of desks behind him for like 2 minutes before he sighed and started walking back over to put the desks were they belonged

Onii-sama~: I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look that dejected

Sushi: It was more disappointment

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: What, you expected better of Dazai?

Sushi: No, I expected better of myself cause by then how could I wake up not prepared for something like that

Sushi: It was the second week he’d been pulling that sort of thing and that was the third thing he’d tied me to that day . And it wasn’t even 2 yet!

Sushi: I really should have known better by that point

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oof

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You are such a piece of shit

Kunikida’s Headache: I have done nothing wrong ever 0:)

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Fuck off

Onii-sama~: Atsushi’s also not the only one he does it to

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Of course not

Cowboy: It’s really funny when he glues Kunikida-san’s glasses to his hands!

Mother™: Kenji!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: He’s not wrong

Mother™: Hey!

Notice Me: At this point I’m just going to assume asking “why” is a waste of time with you

Kunikida’s Headache: Funny

Notice Me: Thats a yes then

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I reiterate: You’re a piece of shit

Sherlock but Better: tbf, it’s pretty easy to make Kunikida look dumb considering he forgets his glasses on his own head every other week

Mother™: RANPO-SAN! PLEASE!

P!ATD(ead body): In all fairness, the Weretiger definitely deserved it 

Sushi: How and why?!?!

P!ATD(ead body): You breathed. That’s reason enough

Sushi: I hate you

P!ATD(ead body): At last, something we can agree on

Sushi: …

Sushi: Dazai-san, can I please be partnered up with someone else from now on?

Sushi: Like, anyone else?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Even Kajii?

Sushi: Hey, at least he hasn’t stabbed and/or impaled me yet

Sushi: Multiple times!

P!ATD(ead body): And despite my hard work, you still breathe. Truly a shame

Sushi: Dazai-san I’m begging you

Kunikida’s Headache: Nope!

Sushi: Gosh dang it

Notice Me: The way he not-swears is killing me

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: It is so much worse in person

Sushi: ?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Don’t worry about it Atsushi

Sushi: I’m starting to get legitimately concerned about how many times you guys have said that

The Government’s Future Aneurysm

Chu Chu Motherfucker: @Mother™ Did the dumbass get high on shrooms at work again?

Notice Me: Again?  

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: High?

P!ATD(ead body): Gin no

LEMON!!!: SHROOMS?!?!?!

TriggerFinger: KAJII NO

Boss: Absolutely not. There will be no getting high for either of you

LEMON!!!: Damn 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn

Grandpa: One of you will be the death of me I just don’t know which one

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: What about Tachi?

TriggerFinger: Well fuck you too Gin

Grandpa: No, he’ll manage to get himself killed first

Grandpa: He will, however, find a way to leave an enormous amount of destruction behind that I will somehow be responsible for paying for

TriggerFinger: Well

TriggerFinger: Guess I’ll just go fuck myself

Mother™: GETTING BACK ON TOPIC

Mother™: To answer your question Chuuya-san, no he has not

Mother™: But seeing as you had to ask…

Mother™: I fear the answer, but what has he done this time?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Specifically how much shit did he break that the agency’s gonna have to pay for?

Notice Me: So I take it this is a regular thing with him?

Sherlock but Better: tbf, he’s not as bad as Kajii

Mother™: Thank christ

LEMON!!!: RUDE!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Deserved

TriggerFinger: ^

LEMON!!!: Well fuck you too

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Actually, he didn’t destroy anything this time

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Not physically at least

Chu Chu Motherfucker: My patience and will to live on the other hand?

Onii-sama~: Wait, what exactly did he do?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: We were just sitting on the couch and out of nowhere he turns to me

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Looks me dead in the eye

Chu Chu Motherfucker: And says “the chocolate tree stopped growing”

Mother™: …

Sushi: …

P!ATD(ead body):...

ThouShaltNotBotherMe:...

TriggerFinger: W-What does that even mean?

Notice Me: Gonna be real, that sounds like a threat, but I have no idea why

Sherlock but Better: I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say

Sherlock but Better: What?

Onii-sama~: Even you don’t know what’s wrong with him?

Sherlock but Better: I can figure out anything so long as there’s some sort of logic to it.

Sherlock but Better: What part of anything Dazai has ever done makes you think logic applies to him?

Onii-sama~: Fair

Kunikida’s Headache: Mean

Onii-sama~: But?

Kunikida’s Headache: True

Kunikida’s Headache: And I take great pride in that

Mother™: Ah, and here's the idiot now.  Care to explain your most recent bout of insanity?

Kunikida’s Headache: You love me and you know it

Mother™: There is nothing on this planet I loathe more than you

Kunikida’s Headache: <3

Mother™: Dazai 

Kunikida’s Headache: Fine fine, but there’s really nothing to explain

Kunikida’s Headache: Which you would know if Chibi told the rest of the story

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wait what? What the hell else did he do?

Kunikida’s Headache: I asked my question again

Chu Chu Motherfucker: It was NOT the same question and you know it!

TriggerFinger: Wait, what did he ask the second time?

Kunikida’s Headache: Same thing I asked the first time

Kunikida’s Headache: “Do you want some coffee?”

TriggerFinger: …

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: …

Onii-sama~: …

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: …

Notice Me: Those? don’t sound? remotely similar???

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I’m aware, but he didn’t say that the first time!

TheResponsibleOne: A-Are you alright lad?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: HE DIDN’T SAY IT THE FIRST TIME!

Kunikida’s Headache: Yes! I did!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: NO! YOU DIDN’T!

Kunikida’s Headache: YES! I! DID!

ThouShoaltNotBotherMe: Back at it again with the soukoku bickering I see

Kunikidas Headache: @TheResponsibleOne Has he been drinking or smth?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I did not DRINK your weird ass question into existence!

Sherlock but Better: He better not have. The months not up yet

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I take it you already know what happened?

Sherlock but Better: Yep

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: And you're not going to tell us?

Sherlock but Better: Are you kidding? This is some quality entertainment!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Why do I even bother?

Boss: Chuuya-kun, if you need a break, you can just ask

Chu Chu Motherfucker: WHAT?!?! I DON’T NEED A BREAK! 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: AND I’M NOT GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I don’t know Chuuya-san, you have been going on a lot of late missions lately

Chu Chu Mothercuker: Are you fucking serious?!?!?!

TriggerFinger: Yeah, and you’ve gotta admit, it does sound like something a drunk guy’d ask

TriggerFinger: Seriously, wtf even is a chocolate tree

Chu Cuh Motherfucker: Nothing! It doesn’t exist!!!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: And even if it does I sure as shit dont have one!

TriggerFinger: Exactly

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: …

Notice Me: …

Chu Chu Motherfucker: What...

Chu Chu Motherfucker: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN ?!?!?!

TriggerFinger: …

P!ATD(ead body): You don’t know, do you

TriggerFinger: In my defense, I really was going somewhere with that at first, but while I was browsing Netflix I saw Avatar and all bets were off

Notice Me: ffs

TriggerFinger: I’m gonna rewatch the whole series again, so you guys have fun

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: To be fair, there are worse things you can do with your time

Onii-sama~: Are there though? 

P!ATD(ead body): Wait, he’s leaving to watch that Shyamalan movie?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: @TheSuperiorAkutagawa your brothers a disgrace

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I know, I’m disowning him

P!ATD(ead body): ???

Sushi: Pretty sure Tachihara-san was talking about the animated series

Notice Me: Wait, you know about Avatar? Like, I’m not complaining because everyone should see that show, but… you?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Do you think so little of me that you believe I would let my brother remain uncultured?

Sushi: It was one of the first things Kyoka-chan and I binged together!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: As it should be

Sushi: It was so good!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn right it is, which is why you’re binging the whole series with me this weekend Ryuu. 

P!ATD(ead body): What?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: *whisper* And the comics *whisper* 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: We’re reading the comics too

P!ATD(ead body): I am so confused

Sushi: HA! It’s not me for once!!!!

P!ATD(ead body): I still have that video of you falling while making tofu and I am not afraid to use it

Sushi: …

Sushi: Thats low

P!ATD(ead body): And you’re an idiot

Chu Chu Motherfucker: CAN WE GET BACK ON TRACK PLEASE?!?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Back to what? You mishearing Dazai?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I DIDN’T MISHEAR HIM!!!!!!!!!

Notice Me: No offense Chuuya-san, but that seems like the only logical explanation

Notice Me: I mean, what kind of person would A) come up with a question that bizarre and 

Notice Me: B) decide to ask it to their S/O and then lie about it? It just doesn’t make any sense?

Mother™: I am going to take this opportunity to remind you that this is Dazai that we are talking about

Mother™: Chuuya-san definitely heard right and the waste of bandages was definitely messing with him because making our lives difficult and testing the limits of peoples sanity is what he does

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: …

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: He’s got a point

Chu Chu Motherfucker: THANK YOU

Kunikida’s Headache: Boo! You always ruin my fun Kunikida-kun .｡･ﾟﾟ･(＞_＜)･ﾟﾟ･｡.

Light Snow: One of these days I’m going to throw your phone out the window

Mother™: Throw him too while you're at it

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Something tells me Chuuya-san’s gonna beat ya to it

Light Snow: True

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I’M GOING TO BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR FUCKING BODY YOU SHITHEAD!!!!!!!!

Kunikida’s Headache: Gotta blast

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You know, with how chaotic this GC is, I’m surprised the alliance hasn’t already crumbled

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Or the city

Mother™: You and me both kid

Chapter Text

The Government's Future Aneurysm

Sushi: Okay, how many gangs even are there in this freaking city?!?!?!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Uh, you alright there Atsushi?

ThoushaltNotBotherMe: Oh, don’t mind him

Kunikida’s Headache: He’s just a little stressed~ 

Sushi: 15

Sushi: The agency has had to fight 15 gangs this week!

Sushi:And it’s FRIDAY ! What the heck! 

Sushi: Did the guild bring a party bus full of criminals when they came, how are there so many?!?!?!

Sherlock but Better: We interrupt our regularly scheduled bullshit to bring you one of our newest ADA members having a mental breakdown

Sushi: I’m sorry, its just

Sushi: When I joined the agency, no one told me I’d have to actually fight people! Let alone this much!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You didn’t think you’d ever have to fight?

Sushi: It’s a DETECTIVE agency!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It’s the ARMED detective agency! What did you expect?!?!?

Sushi: Not having to fight for the fate of Yokohama every other Tuesday, that’s for sure!

P!ATD(ead body): Pussy

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Literally, lol

Sushi: Kyoka-chan!

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Sorry, I couldn’t resist

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Seriously though, why are you so stressed about this?

Sushi: I? don’t like? Fighting???

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Really?

Sushi: Um, no? Is that surprising?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Given your personality? No

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Given your power? Absolutely

Notice Me: She’s got a point, your powers kinda built for battle

Sushi: Well, I didn’t even know I had an ability until I met Dazai-san, and amazingly learning I turn into a giant magical cat didn’t suddenly fill me with a love for fighting

P!ATD(ead body): Wait

Sushi: ??? What?

P!ATD(ead body): Wait wait WAIT

P!ATD(ead body): You didn’t know you had an ability until you came to Yokohama?

Sushi: Um, no?

P!ATD(ead body): And you didn’t like fighting before then?

Sushi: Um no? Why does everyone keep interrogating me about random things?

P!ATD(ead body): Jinko, when was your first actual fight?

Sushi: Um, that depends

TriggerFinger: How does a first fight “depend” on anything? 

TriggerFinger: It’s a pretty simple question, when was the first time you and someone else tried to beat the shit out of each other

Sushi: It depends on if we’re counting “my” fight as one where I was actually conscious the whole time or one where the tiger took over 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Take over?

Sushi: Yeah, back when I didn’t know I had the tiger I lost consciousness and the tiger did whatever it wanted without me having any memory of it

Sushi: That happened the first time I fought Higuchi-san and Akutagawa too, which is why I don’t think it counts as “my” first fight

Sushi: I can control it a lot better thanks to the president's ability though!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Huh

Sushi: ?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Nothing

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Also Kunikida, if you’re near the bastard could you do me a favor and smack that knowing look off his face? Cause I know he definitely has one

Kunikida’s Headache: So little faith

Mother ™: He’s right to doubt you, and I would be more than happy to 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Awesome

Kunikida’s Headache: :(

TheSuperiorAkutagwa: K, getting back on track, you never answered us Atsushi

Sushi: Oh, um

Sushi: If we’re not counting fights where the tiger did most (or all) of the fighting, then I guess 

Sushi: That fight I had with Kyoka-chan on the train?

Sushi: Or does that not count because I didn’t really want to hurt her?

Sushi: If it doesn’t then I guess the fight on the ship with Akutagawa

P!ATD(ead body): …

P!ATD(ead body): Are you fucking kidding me

Sushi: Wait, what’s your problem now?

P!ATD(ead body): That was your first real fight? 

Sushi: Um, if my fight with Kyoka-chan doesn’t count then yes?

P!ATD(ead body): …

Sushi: Uh

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Congratulations Atsushi, you’ve unlocked Ryuu’s inner Chuuya-san

Chu Chu Motherfucker: And just what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: It means he just started screaming into the void about being so tired of his partner’s shit

TriggerFinger: Sounds about right

Sushi: Wait, what did I do?!?!
P!ATD(ead body): HOW DID YOU BEAT ME IN YOUR SECOND FIGHT?!?!?!

Sushi: Um… luck?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Aaaand, he’s screaming into his pillow. Well done

Notice Me: Is it bad that I’m only now seeing Dazai training him as something that makes sense?

Kunikida's Headache: Should I be insulted by that?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Yes

Sushi: You know what, I’m just going to accept the fact that every once in a while you guys are going to talk about something involving me and I’m going to have no idea it means

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: That’s probably for the best

The Government’s Future Aneurysm

Mother ™ : I am going to die before I reach 30

Mother ™ : I don’t know if it’ll be stress or something else, but I’m definitely going to die

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: ?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Do I even want to know?

Chu Chu Mtoherfucker: Actually why am I even asking, of course I don’t

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You may not, but I sure as shit do!

Mother ™ : I can’t believe I have to say this, but for future reference “Don't try this at home” is not an invitation to try it at work! Or at all! 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Just @ Dazai next time 

Onii-sama~: How did you know, you weren’t even there? 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I’ve met Dazai

Onii-sama~: Fair

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY! 

TriggerFinger: You’ve gotta admit, they have a point

Kunikida’s Headache: Mean

Kunikida’s Headache: Also, it wasn’t that big a deal! You were fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnneeeeee 

Sherlock but Better: Plus, it was pretty funny 

Mother ™ : My eyebrows were almost singed off! 

Sushi: Hey, he’d be like Akutagawa 

P!ATD(ead body): Jinko I will eviscerate you 

Sushi: Ya sure 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: So, status update Ryuu just started screaming into his pillow 

Sushi: Is it bad that I’m not sorry? 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: Nope

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Nope

Mother ™ : I’m about 10 seconds away from joining him 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Welcome to dealing with Dazai. Constantly being ready to either kill him, scream your frustrations into the void, or both 

Mother ™ : I am so sorry you have to deal with this 

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY

TriggerFinger: I swear, thats become Dazai’s catchphrase at this point 

Kunikida’s Headache: Well they keep bullying me! 

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You deserve it 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: He’s got ya there 

Kunikida’s Headache: (ಥ﹏ಥ)  

Light Snow: Why is this my life?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Suffer bitch

Notice Me: K, so can we back up a sec cause I wanna know what Dazai did that almost took out Kunikida’s eyebrows 

TriggerFinger: Same 

Light Snow: Same cause I wasn’t there for whatever the fuck happened so I had to come back to an office that looks like a bomb hit it 

LEMON!!!: THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!!!! 

Mother ™ : No thank you! The office gets destroyed enough just having Dazai around

Notice Me: K, but how ?

Mother ™ : Lets just say Dazai took the phrase non-flammable as a challenge

Boss: …

Boss: Oh god 

Boss: He didn't, did he?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Oh he definitely did

Notice Me: I am so confused and yet terrified

TriggerFinger: Same! WTF did he do ?!?!?!

Kunikida’s Headache: So, do you guys know what bottle rockets are?

TriggerFinger: Yeah, it’s an empty rocket you fill with water and compressed air? What does that have to do with trashing your office?

Kunikida’s Headache: Well, I had a thought

Kunikida’s Headache: What would happen if, instead of water, I used gasoline?

Kunikida’s Headache: More specifically, if I filled it with gasoline and then set it off somewhere with fire underneath!

TriggerFinger: …

TriggerFinger: Why?

Kunikida’s Headache: I wanted to see if the fire would follow the trail up

TriggerFinger: …

TriggerFinger: @Boss Please tell me your reaction is not an indication that he’s done this before?

Boss: Technically, he used water mixed with an unholy amount of nitroglycerin but yes

Boss: This is not the first time he’s tried this

Notice Me: Jesus christ

P!ATD(ead body): I remember that day. How long did it take to put out the lobby?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: 3 days, and that was with some impromptu assistance from 3 consecutive days of heavy showers

P!ATD(ead body): Didn’t three other building also go up?

Boss: Five, if I recall. I believe that was the day every accountant in the port mafia gained a newfound fear and hatred for Dazai-kun

Notice Me: You know what, that’s fair

TriggerFinger: @Chu Chu Motherfucker How are you still alive? And sane ?!?!?!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I ask myself that question everyday 

Notice Me: Wait, are you telling me he set a bottle rocket full of gasoline off

Notice Me: IN THE OFFICE?!?!?!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Well, considering he tested it in the main lobby when he was in the mafia, I’d say that’s a good bet

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY! I learned my lesson! That’s why I changed liquids!

Kunikida’s Headache: Plus, I would have set the sprinklers off before I could launch the thing since I needed fire first

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Gotta love how his reasoning for not doing something super dangerous isn’t “I shouldn’t do this because it would be a bad idea”

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Instead its “I can’t do this because then I wouldn’t be able to do more dangerous shit”

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Pretty sure that’s how his brain works 24/7

Chu Chu Motherfucker: I hate that you’re right 

Sushi: Wait, the PM lobby didn’t have a sprinkler system?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Normally it does, Dazai just busted it a week before trying to hang himself from all of them at the same time and didn’t mention it to anyone

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Wtf? How would that even work?

Kunikida’s Headache: With a lot of creativity and rope

Kunikida’s Headache: Also, don’t act like you don’t still love me <3

Chu Chu Motherfucker: There’s only so much of your shit that I can take before I finally break your scrawny little neck

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh, silly Chibi~

Kunikida’s Headache: It’s so cute how you call my neck little even though you’re so tiny~

Kunikida’s Headache: You’d probably need a crane just to reach me~

Chu Chu Motherfucker: …

Chu Chu Motherfucker: A buddha’s patience has limits and so does mine bitch

Chu Chu Motherfucker: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Mother ™ : I would like to know as well

Notice Me: Oh, shit wait! We didn’t get an answer for how Kunikida’s eyebrows got involved in this

TriggerFinger: Or how the fuck he managed to destroy the office if he didn’t set it off in the building

Sherlock but Better: Isn’t it obvious?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Ranpo, can you not be a smug lil’ shit for like 10 minutes?

Sherlock but Better: Hey, not my fault everyone’s so dumb

President: Ah, that reminds me 

President: Ranpo, the next time you throw a lamp at a client and tell them to “lighten the fuck up”, your fired

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: He what now

Sushi: Seriously Ranpo-san, I’m surprised they didn’t try to sue you! 

Sherlock but Better: Oh no, they did try to sue me. I just … encouraged them to reconsider by sharing some things I figured out about them 

TriggerFinger: K thats mildly threatening 

Sherlock but Better: :) 

TriggerFinger: And that's very threatening

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: You get used to it 

Light Snow: Do you though?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Light Snow: Yosano-san your veering dangerously into Dazai-style kaomoji territory and I am legitimately begging you not to 

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: >:) 

Light Snow: No pls

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Hello! We still don’t know what Dazai did to your office! 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Would someone please fill us in?!

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Oh shit, right

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: K, so while setting it off was off the table apparently Dazai saw making the damn thing as totally fine. In our office

Notice Me: ...Well, I think I can see where the office getting blown up comes in

Notice Me: What about Kunikida though?

Kunikida’s Headache: It’s totally his fault tbh

Mother ™ : On what PLANET would this be considered my fault?!?!?!

Kunikida’s Headache: You startled me! I wouldn’t have dropped the thing if you hadn’t slammed the door open when I wasn’t expecting you!

Mother ™ : 1) I did not slam the door open

Mother ™ : 2) I had been calling up to you asking if you knew where Yosano-san put her scalpels from 3 floors below! How did you not hear me!

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh, I learned how to tune your voice out years ago! Same with Chibi~

Mother ™ : …

Mother ™ : @Chu Chu Motherfucker May I join you in your hunt to murder him?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: The more the merrier

Kunikida’s Headache: Welp, looks like todays the day I die!

Sherlock but Better: Nope, Atsushi’s dare still has a week left

Sherlock but Better: And since letting yourself get mauled counts as “not taking care of yourself”, I recommend you start running

Kunikida’s Headache: …

Kunikida’s Headache: Fuck

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: WAIT

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Before you get back to your bullshit I need answers!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: So, I get that the bottle rocket going off took out the office 

Sherlock but Better: Kunikida’s eyebrows too. Nearly, at least

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yes, cool, great, thats all wonderful

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: But how the fuck did it get set off in the first place?!?! I thought he said he wasn’t going to start a fire!

Kunikida’s Headache: Technically I said I didn’t plan to start a fire

TheResponsibleOne: Shouldn’t you be running, lad?

Kunikida’s Headache: You kidding? I have years of experience hiding from Chibi! They’ll never find me >:)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Great, then you can tell me how you fucked up enough to set a bottler ocket off without there being an open flame?!?!

Kunikida’s Headache: Well, I was planning to test it out as soon as I left the office so I brought everything with me. Including a AA battery and some foil

TriggerFinger: Wait, why tf did you need those?

Notice Me: You can use them to make a small flame if you attach both ends of the foil to both ends of the battery

TriggerFinger: … Higuchi, why do you know that?

Notice Me: I was an adventurous child. Let's leave it at that

TriggerFinger: ...Wtf?

TriggerFinger: Why does that feel so threatening?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: She wasn’t even threatening you?

TriggerFinger: I KNOW 

Kunikida’s Headache: Anyways, so I had the foil cut and apparently at some point while I was working I bumped the foil to touch one of the ends of the battery

Grandpa: Dazai-kun, I thought I told you to stop leaving your fire starting supplies out while you work

Onii-sama~: Wait, how many times did he accidently start a fire back in the mafia?

Grandpa: I lost count after 35

Onii-sama~: Jfc Dazai

Kunikida’s Headache: Yeah, yeah I know

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Apparently Dazai’s a pyro

LEMON!!!: OOH! LET’S BE FRIENDS THEN!

Kunikida’s Headache: No

Kunikida’s Headache: Anyways, getting back to the story, everything would have been totally fine if I’d just left them like that but then Kunikida-kun barged in!

Mother ™ : Again, I didn’t barge in and you gave you ample warning that I was coming!

Kunikida’s Headache: And startled me so bad I knocked the other end of the foil onto the battery

Kunikida’s Headache: On the bright side, I proved that the office sprinklers still work!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: You know, when this chat started I questioned wtf Dazai’s name was

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: I no longer have that question and instead pity the poor man

Onii-sama~: You should

Chapter Text

The Government’s Future Aneurysm 

Kunikida’s Headache: HaHAHhahahaha

Kunikida’s Headache: HolY FuClkK

Mother ™: Dazai I swear to christ, if you say anything I will throw you into traffic

Chu Chu Motherfucker: You know thats not really a punishment for him, right?

TriggerFinger: Uh, do we even wanna know?

Mother ™: No

Kunikida’s Headache: YES

Light Snow: Oh god, what happened now?

Mother ™: Nothing!

Kunikida’s Headache: Nothing but the best day of my LIFE!

Kunikida’s Headache: HaHAhAhaHa

Sherlock but Better: It was pretty funny

Mother ™: Ranpo-san! Please stop using your skills to embarrass me! 

Sherlock but Better: I didn’t need to ‘use’ anything. I was across the street and saw the whole thing

Mother ™: …

Mother ™: Oh

Sherlock but Better: Yosano was with me and saw it all too, but she’s currently on the ground laughing, so she won't be adding much to the conversation

Onii-sama~: Well that’s encouraging

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Something tells me Dazai was right there with her when he saw whatever the fuck they’re talking about

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Speaking of, does anyone wanna fill us in?

Notice Me: Yes, please

Kunikida’s Headache: Gladly!

Mother ™: No!

Kunikida’s Headache: Okay, so

Kunikida’s Headache: The agency just got a job for some rando who wants us to find a guy who's been shoplifting, right?

Kunikida’s Headache: Kunikida-kun gets the job and he takes the agency car to head to the job

P!ATD(ead body): Agency car? The agency can’t even provide transportation for all of its members?

Sushi: Well sorry we can’t all be rich like you, MCR reject

P!ATD(ead body): Excuse you?!?!

Sushi: Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Kyoka-chan just stole my phone and I don’t know what she said! 

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: >:)

P!ATD(ead body): Wait, so you didn’t just type that?

Sushi: Type what?

Sushi: Oh

Sushi: …

Sushi: I mean, if the shoe fits

P!ATD(ead body): Where are you, Weretiger! I am going to Rashomon so many holes in you swiss cheese will be envious

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Okay, first, you’re inner Chuuya’s showing again

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Stop fucking calling it that! 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Second, you and I both know Atsushi has no idea who MCR are or what Kyoka’s burn actually means, he just wanted to get back at you for the peasant comment

Sushi: … maybe

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: And third, shut up! I wanna hear the rest of the story! 

Kunikida’s Headache: Thank you Gin

Kunikida’s Headache: So, I watch him leave through the agency window because I wanted to see if I could hit his windshield with an egg as he was driving

Mother ™: You what now?

Light Snow: That is so dangerous on so many levels

Chu Chu Motherfucker: That’s just kind of how he operates

Chu Chu Motherfucker: “Is this a dumb/dangerous idea? Cool, I’ll do it!”

Kunikida’s Headache: Rude

Kunikida’s Headache: But anyways, before I could start chucking I see him stop for no reason

Mother ™: Dazai, I will buy you canned crab if you STOP telling this story

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Dazai, I will buy you canned crab to ignore Kunikida

Kunikida’s Headache: No need, I was gonna do that anyways (^ω~)

Light Snow: I don’t even know why I bother anymore

Onii-sama~: You’d probably be better of just letting it happen

Kunikida’s Headache: K, enough about me ruining Tanizaki-kun’s sanity

Onii-sama~: So you know and still do it?

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Of course he does, have you met him

Kunikida’s Headache: You’re still dating me <3

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Go fuck yourself

Kunikida’s Headache: Now let's get back to the story!

Kunikida’s Headache: So there I was, watching Kunikida-kun's car stop right in the middle of the road with a bunch of cars behind him, honking and probably thinking ‘wtf why did this guy just stop?’

President: Kunikida, we’ve talked before about you stopping traffic 

Mother ™: I know sir

Mother ™: But there were extenuating circumstances!

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Oh were there?

Mother ™: I

Kunikida’s Headache: Oh don’t worry pres. There definitely was~

Kunikida’s Headache: Anyways, so I watch him as he not only stops but then gets out of the car . In the middle of traffic!

Kunikida’s Headache: And I’m thinking “??? What the heck are ya doin Kunikida-kun? Holding up traffic by throwing yourself into it is my style, not yours”

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Not until the month is over it’s not

Kunikida’s Headache: You’re no fun

Kunikdia’s Headache: Anyways, so I realize Kunikida is in fact NOT trying to give getting hit by a car a try, and is instead walking towards something on the sidewalk

Kunikida’s Headache: You wanna tell them what it was you were walking towards, Kunikida-kun? What your “extenuating circumstances” were?

Mother ™: …

Mother ™: I saw an old woman on the sidewalk, and believed she needed assistance crossing the street

Notice Me: Oof, Chuuya-san can relate to that

Chu Chu Motherfucker: No I can’t!

Kunikida’s Headache: I’d beg to differ and have Atsushi as a witness

Sushi: Please don’t drag me into this

P!ATD(ead body): Grow a spine already

Sushi: Sure, as soon as you grow some eyebrows

TriggerFinger: OOOOOOH

TheResponsibleOne: Kyoka-chan, you are doing a marvelous job teaching him sass

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: He’s a quick learner

Kunikida’s Headache: K, while I normally love watching Atsushi-kun and Akutagawa-kun fight all day, this story needs to be told

Mother ™: It really doesn’t

Sherlock but Better: What’s the matter Kunikida? Didn’t you just try to help some helpless little old lady cross the street?~

Kunikida’s Headache: Yeah, weren’t you just being a good samaritan?~

Notice Me: Ok, we’re definitely missing something here

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Yep

Kunikida’s Headache: Come on Kunikida-kuuuuuuuuuuuuun~

Kunikida’s Headache: Tell them what happened when you got to the old lady~

Mother ™: …

Mother ™: Well, I tried to talk with her, and ask her if she needed any assistance   

Kunikida’s Headache: And what did she say~

Mother ™: You know she didn’t say anything so stop playing these stupid games and just get on with it!

TriggerFinger: Wait, why didn’t she say anything

Sherlock but Better: Well Kunikida?

Mother ™: ...

Mother ™: Because she was

Mother ™: …

Mother ™: Do you know those cardboard cutouts that some shops have in front of their stores?

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: …

Notice Me: Wait

Light Snow: Don’t tell me

Mother ™: Yes, alright?! It wasn’t an old lady, I talked to a piece of cardboard! Happy?!

TheResponsibleOne: …

TheResponsibleOne: I have no words

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Seriously, I don’t even know what to say to that

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: I do

Sherlock but Better: Back from the dead are we?

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Shut up

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Also: HAHAHAHahahhaHAha

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: … 

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: pfft

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: HAHAHAHAHAA

P!ATD(ead body): I feel it’s important to note that she snorted like a pig when she read that

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Shut it

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Also, don’t act all high and mighty when you started laughing so hard you almost choked on your tea

P!ATD(ead body): Lies and slander

Boss: If it makes you feel any better, Rintaro started choking on the cracker he was eating lol

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Hey Elise, do you two just lurk in the GC and watch all the shit that goes down?

Boss: Pretty much, though I’m the one who lurks most of the time. Rintaro’s a bitch who just asks me for the play-by-play while he works

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Huh, good to know I guess 

TriggerFinger: K, thats nice and all but can we get back on topic because...

TriggerFinger: You got tricked...

TriggerFinger: By a cardboard cutout?

Kunikida’s Headache: He didn’t even mention the fact that he talked to that thing for like 2 minutes before he finally realized it wasn’t real lol

Mother ™: I thought she was just hard of hearing!

Grandpa: …

Grandpa: This is the man who defeated me in the last agency raid?

Notice Me: You are a detective , right? Like, a super smart figures out details and solves crimes kind of guy?

Sherlock but Better: Actually, that’s pretty much just me

Sherlock but Better: The rest are pretty much hopeless

Kunikida’s Headache: Excuse you

Sherlock but Better: You literally blew our office up with a bottle rocket yesterday, don’t even

Kunikida’s Headache: Fair, but still rude

Light Snow: I feel bad for laughing but...

Onii-sama~: All due respect Kunikida-san, that was really dumb

Onii-sama~: Like, really dumb

Mother ™: I’m aware!

Cowboy: Wow, Kunikida-san, so city folks talk to inanimate objects? City life is so strange!

ThouShaltnotBotherMe: No, Kenji. City folks don’t do that

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Idiots on the other hand...

Mother ™: I get it!

Kunikida’s Headache: You guys haven’t even heard the best part

Kunikida’s Headache: When he finally realized she was fake, he stood there for a good 5 minutes staring in surprise that slowly morphed into “dead inside”

Chu Chu Motherfucker: Ah yes, the normal expression of someone who has to deal with you

Kunikida’s Headache: Then he walked back to the car in shame, pulled over, and just stayed in the parked car for another 10 minutes, probably rethinking everything about his life

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Wow. Just… wow

Mother ™: Someone please kill me

Kunikida’s Headache: HEY! That's my thing! 

Sherlock but Better: Not until the month’s over~

Sherlock but Better: Afterall, you wouldn’t want to back out of Atsushi-kuns thoughtful dare, would you? 

Kunikida’s Headache: …

Kunikida’s Headache: I hate you

Sherlock but Better: :)

TheSuperiorAkutagawa: Damn, he really can be kinda intimidating when he wants to be

TriggerFinger: @Sherlock but Better No offense but you seem like the kinda guy who’d shiv someone with a ring pop you licked until it was a weapon

Sherlock but Better: How dare you

Sherlock but Better: I’d obviously use a push pop, ring pops have terrible range

ThouShaltNotBotherMe: Of course that’s what you find wrong with that sentence

Mother ™: Honestly Ranpo-san, if you’re offering I will take a push pop shiving, just let me die

LEMON!!!: MIGHT I OFFER SOME ASSISTANCE WITH THAT!!!

Chu Chu Motherfucker: DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

LEMON!!!: :( 

The Government’s Future Aneurysm

Sushi: Akutagawa I’m gonna kill you!

Light Snow: ?

Onii-sama~: Oh, tea?

Bunnies and Boiled Tofu: You have to admit, it was kind of funny

Sushi: No, it was terrifying!

Kunikida’s Headache: I’m guessing something happened and I am very excited to hear about it

Chu Chu Motherfucker: That’s cause your a bastard

Mother ™ : As well as someone who thrives on chaos

Chu Chu Motherfucker: That too

Kunikida’s Headache: This is bullying!!!!