Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first time it happened, he honestly didn't notice. One moment he was alone in the nether. He remembered stepping forward, hearing footsteps grew louder and more frantic as he slipped of the edge. Than...

Warmth.

He woke up in his tent in exile, confused. Dream said he slipped off the edge. Scolded him for worrying Ghostbur and Sapnap and explained the new burn scars that covered the lower half of his body.

Sapnap came by after dream was gone. He saw Tommy and a weight seemed to be lifted from him. He waved, received a wave back and then he was gone.

Sapnap had been worried. Worried that Dream...had gone too far. Worried that Tommy was gone for good. Worried that Dream who had seemingly been drifting further and further, from others and from sanity had pushed Tommy to take his own life. Seeing Tommy, despite how banged up the child was, relieved him of those worries. He was unaware that this wouldn't be the first time he would be worried that Dream had done...unspeakable things. He was unaware that he would be right in the end.

The second time it happened, it was more painful. They had a little bonding activity in exile, Dream and Tommy. Every day his supplies would be destroyed, his armor, his materials, his food. He was close enough to water that dehydration was never a worry. Dream always made sure to have at least one meal with him when he visited.

His peaceful plains quickly emptied of animal life. A few weeks of endless slaughter taught the animals not to return. Most of the food ended up getting destroyed anyways.

Dream had warned him that he would be busy, that he'd probably be alone for a month at least. Things were apparently heating up in L'Manburg.

He did his best to ignore the ache hearing about the country brought.

Tommy hadn't realize how important the few meals he would share with Dream whenever he dropped by were.

He was a bit more aware this time around.

Wilbur and Schlatt proved to be rather...lackluster company. Schlatt was a bit preoccupied with watching over Quackity. Wilbur would disappear for days at a time, presumably to spend time as Ghostbur. So most of the time he spent in the afterlife, he spent alone.

Wilbur and Schlatt had been worried when he appeared, what exactly had the boy been up to, to end up with them? They made a silent promise to watch over him, but then again he was Tommy! He was always fine! Always yelling and pranking people for better or for worse. That promise would go ignored, as both grew more and more preoccupied with L'Manburg. They doubted they would see him again. He still had lives left.

He came back to Dream's concern, he had died, he knew he had. He remembered the time in the afterlife quite well. It had been about 5 months, most of that time spent in silence. He was surprised to find his corpse wasn't rotted by now. Dream gave him some soup, and a new mushroom cow since he had long since killed the other one. Dream told him he had been dead for about a week.

He looked at his reflection in the water after dream left. His hair had a few white streaks now, his cheeks were gaunt, his eyes dull. He wondered if he got any lasting scars from starving to death.

A few days later, Ghostbur, Phil, and Fundy came to visit. He hadn't had any visitors since...he couldn't really remember how long. Being dead really screws up your sense of time.

They gave him the idea of a party, they laughed with him, they helped him gather supplies and food. Sure they expressed some worry at his gaunt frame, but they were able to move on rather quickly.

He doesn't get why some part of him expected it to be any different.

He makes the plans for the party, they say goodbye. He writes the invitations and gives them to his brother's ghost. It will be nice to see everyone again. It had been so long.

Phil and Fundy were worried. Tommy was...off to put it lightly. Phil took note of the wrecked clothing and thin frame. He assumed it was Tommy lashing out at himself since there was no one around to target. He had acted similarly when he was younger. He brushed off the quiet as some added introspection. Tommy had the freedom to think clearly here, away from everyone. He must be doing some self-reflection.

Fundy took note of the white streaks, he noticed the coat Tommy had taken to wearing. Some part of his mind registered similarities, between Tommy and...Wilbur. The Wilbur from Pogtopia. The Wilbur with nothing to lose. He brushed off his suspicions, he had always been rather paranoid since the war. He didn't have time to be worrying about Tommy. He had to focus on L'Manburg. They were worried yes, but Tommy could always handle himself. He had practically raised himself! Phil and Techno off adventuring and Wilbur busy with Fundy. Tommy would be fine.

No one came.

Not a single person came.

No, that's not true.

Dream came. Dream was his friend, he cared for him after he kept getting hurt. He brought him food, and hugged him, and sure sometimes punished him but didn't he deserve it?

Dream let him play with his trident.

He went up and up in the pouring rain, he could feel a smile bloom across his face for the first time in a while.

Then he went down.

And down

And...

The Afterlife was empty when he arrived. Wilbur was gone, Schlatt was gone, it was just him.

He wondered why he was cursed to be alone.

Why did no one come?

Why did no one notice he needed help?

Why, did the kindest people he know, continually brush off his pain, while he helped them?

Was he that annoying?

Was he everything people said he was after all?

Loud and selfish and rude and crude and war-hungry and aggressive and a bad friend and—

He woke to Dream's mask. Dream had carried him back to his tent. Bandaged the wounds he got from his fall.  Dream was worried about him. Worried that he didn't value his life. He only had the one left. Neither mentioned the recent deaths.

Ranboo came by the next day. He was a little upset that the only friend he had left had missed his party, but he couldn’t blame Ranboo. The poor guy did have some memory troubles after all. They went mining together and collected resources, started a small farm.

He doesn't really remember why Dream had snapped the way he did upon finding them hunched over some seeds. He doesn't really remember what happened at all.

One moment he was bending down to look at the carrot seedlings Ranboo had helped him plant.

The next, the Carrot seedlings had gained a new red coating...he squinted at them. How did they...oh.

He hears Ranboo start to panic, hears sizzling as the Ender-hybrid begins to cry at his friends pain.

Hears Dream yell something.

The Afterlife is empty again. He doesn't know why he expects it not to be after all this time. He doesn't have to spend long there this time.

He wakes in his tent as always. A quick glance at the ocean shows even more of his hair is now a stark white. He looks around. Ranboo is gone, as is Dream.

Ranboo knew something was wrong. He knew something was wrong the second Tommy stopped replying. He knew something was wrong so he went to see him and then...something happened. His memory is completely blank, the second he walks into Logstedshire. He doesn't remember how he got back to L'Manburg either, though the end particles around him seem to indicate he had panic teleported? He can't remember why and that's worrying. Something was wrong with exile. He needed to get someone reliable to visit. He tried to get Tubbo to, the boy claiming a busy schedule and expressing his worries. Despite his worry, he assures Tubbo that he has time. Something may be wrong in Exile but...something is also wrong in L'Manburg. Exile can wait.

Eventually Exile settled into a pattern. The visits had stopped after Ranboo. He hadn't seen Ghostbur in...a while. Every once in a while he'd wake up drowning. It was getting harder and harder to come up with reasons to swim up. He wondered if Dream would find his body if he went deep enough. So far, the answer was yes. The Man seemingly had a gift with Dolphins.

Other days, he would break a rule. Dream's punishments had started getting harsher after...Mexican Dream? He can’t really remember who that was but he knew he was the catalyst somehow. He doesn't really remember what the rules are either but...Dream wouldn’t hurt him without reason. Dream is the only one left, the only friend who stayed despite how utterly awful he was.

He would never spend much time in the afterlife. Brief flashes compared to the months of his second death. Occasionally it wouldn’t be empty. He'd get a flash of Schlatt, or Wilbur, or a blur of Red, Green, White, and Brown. They always had weird expressions when he would catch a glimpse of them. Schlatt would look angry or sad. Wilbur looked heartbroken, he's pretty sure he's seen a few tears occasionally.

Despite Dream's kindness and understanding. Some part of him ached to protect a few small things. Maybe it was some hybrid instincts growing in? He was around the right age....

He found himself hoarding pictures, wool, rocks, and anything shiny he could get his hands on. Hidden beneath the floorboards of the now dilapidated Logstedshire.

One day, Dream finds one of his stashes. It doesn’t end well.

There's yelling and blood and TNT and endless ringing and several flashes of Wilbur and Schlatt, and the colors and then he is alone, Dream is gone. Gone for a while, his last shelter is gone. The things he had painstakingly collected were gone, the last thing Ghostbur left him along with it. He was alone.

He takes what he can and starts to build.

He wonders if Dream will bring him back this time, his friend had been quite mad at him.

Were they still friends?

Were they ever friends?

Dream had been there for everything...but he had never helped him. Never cared. Friends aren't supposed to hurt friends. Friends don't blow up the only source of comfort you have left. Friends don’t leave bruises on your neck and scars decorating every inch of skin.

Was Dream only there to watch him?

He makes sure to angle himself towards the water. He still feels more bruises begin to bloom across his skin, some part of his brain registers the unhealthy twist of his ankle as he begins to trudge across the artic.

Maybe

Just this once

One of his brothers will be willing to help him

Tubbo was a fool to have waited so long. He thought he had all the time in the world. He saw the worry in Phil and Fundy's eyes when they returned. Both Ranboo and Sapnap came to him with concerns about exile. He thought Tommy would be fine. He had been fine alone before. Besides L'Manburg needed him. All his excuses fell from his lap with his heart as he found the remnants of Logstedshire. As he set his eyes on the tower. On the blood splattered throughout the crater. He knew now that Tommy had needed him. He had missed his window of opportunity. He fell to the ground, grieving for his best friend.

Despite all his bravado, he still found himself hiding in his brother's basement like a rodent. He had taken a health potion, and some wool and string to fix up his clothes and wounds. He had picked some dandelions on the way to hide the white in his hair. They wouldn’t care, he told himself. What's the point of broadcasting what happened?

He had taken some shiny things to appease the instincts that seemed to be growing louder in the back of his mind. He knew some of his wounds were infected. He knew he had done something to his back despite not remembering what. His bruises were beginning to fade as his back grew worse. It had been about 2 weeks since he made his little den beneath his brothers home. Technoblade hadn't been home in a couple of days, yet he was still hesitant. He did not know how Techno would react to him. He wasn't sure he wanted to find out. He would do his best to be sneaky and quiet.

That did not last long.

He had apparently matured enough for his hybrid traits to grow in.

Growing wings is comparable to death. Painful, Never ending, Painfully lonely.

He wondered if his Dad would care. No. Not Dad, he hasn't been Dad since you were eight. Stupid instincts. Phil won't care. He's already proven that much.

 He made sure to mend Wilbur's coat, tearing out the inner lining to lengthen it while adding new wool to hopefully help fight the cold. It was big enough to hide his wings, somewhat comfortably.

As luck would have it, the next day Techno came home.

He should've known that with his stupid bird brain chanting for Flock flock! Big brother! Soft! Safe! Flock! And with his possibly infected wounds, that he would be caught.

Techno reacts surprisingly well. Agreeing to help him under a few conditions.

There is no such thing as unconditional love or trust on the Dream SMP.He huffs than agrees and they get to work.

Ranboo comes by to visit. He is kind, he gives back some of Techno's armor. When Techno is occupied he asks a question.

"Tommy...did something happen to you when I last came to visit?"

Silence.

"It’s just, I have this memory...but maybe a dream? Or a nightmare? Of you...covered in blood... and your hair is white...but your hair isn't white now so maybe it's a nightmare...I just...I didn't write it down and uh...can't trust my memory,"

He doesn't know why he lies, he feels guilty for it. Ranboo is kind, he does not deserve to be lied to. He deserves to be able to trust his memory.

"Don't know what you're on about big man! The only thing we did when you came to visit was mine! Than you stopped coming and responding to my letters..."

Silence falls between them.

They continue chopping wood.

He finds himself committing minor terrorism and losing himself to the rage that has been building for years. Tommy was always the type to lash out at those he loves when he gets angry. How they had abandoned him only added fuel to the fire.

He regrets it though. Calling Tubbo a monster. Of course Techno only gives him any sort of affection when he hurts those around him. The Axe of Peace is the greatest oxymoron of all.

He hadn't been the most open with Techno in the end. He doesn't know why he had felt so safe in the artic cottage in those few weeks despite the lack of communication.

That is shattered in an instant when Techno offers to trade him back to Dream.

The white of his hair is starting to come back at the roots, he can sense Dream's smirk through the mask as he catches sight of it.

He needs an out. Phil has joined them in the arctic. He can’t run away, they'll find him quickly enough. His wings, though almost full grown are useless since he doesn't know how to use them.

He's glad he hasn't shown his wings to Phil or Techno, exposing another weakness to the two remaining parts of his family he would soon be leaving behind...didn't seem wise.

He had hurt Fundy, something he's been having nightmare about. His nephew had trusted him, he remembered when Fundy was still shorter than him...

He can't just show up in L'Manburg. Not after that.

He finds his out during L'Manburg's next festival. Dream has destroyed the community house. He has been named the culprit and no one will believe his cries of innocence. He knows it is just a ploy by Dream, knows that all the tyrant wants is to have fun with his favorite toy again.

He lashes out, as he always does. Tubbo pays the price, and yet he somehow manages to end up on L'Manburg's side for this next "Doomsday".

There is hurt in Techno's eyes as he leaves. A relationship has just been ruined, likely for good. He doesn’t know whether to mourn it or not.

There is rage in Niki's eyes as she accuses the boy and blames him for everything. He wonders where her kindness went, if it went out as his did. Was it by Dream's hands or by Wilbur's?

L'Manburg is in ashes and Dream is laughing and Techno is laughing and Phil—Dad is laughing. He doesn't know why it still hurts to see his father's favoritism.

He is surprised he doesn't die, not even once, while L'Manburg burns.

Ghostbur asks to be resurrected. His eyes seem, more present than usual. He goes immediately to you for resurrection advice. Does he remember what happened during exile?

Lightning strikes and Tommy is burning and falling and everything is ringing again—

He wakes up to Tubbo's tears and Quackity's worry. Ghostbur has left, not able to handle the stress. Apparently he had been dead for a few minutes. He catches a glimpse of invisibility particles to his right and knows.

He brushes off the concern. There are a few lighthearted jokes made about his new white hair, about the lightning scars that decorate his upper back.

Soon enough he is alone again. He returns home. He makes a note to go collect more Dandelions later.

Quackity was confused. Tommy had died. Like actually, died. And the kid somehow gets up and brushed it off? Like it was just another day? His heart had stopped. His body was cooling and he wasn't breathing. Tubbo was crying and Quackity was in shock. Ghostbur had let out a wail of agony flickering between a warm sweater and a dreaded trench coat before settling on a sweater and heading out to look for Phil. Still. It was impossible to bring people back from the dead...but Tommy had died. He hadn't stayed Dead. The kid didn't even respawn. He just, got back up and continued moving. Quackity doubted he needed to look into it much. Tommy had always been rather lucky.

Tommy moved on as best he could. Tubbo was concerned, but he brushed him off. He knew it was only a matter of time before Dream decided to toy with them again, so he set out to prepare. The few times he wasn't mining or enchanting or farming, he would spend with Tubbo. Occasionally Ranboo would be there. The taller boy always looked so concerned for him. Once, he saw Ranboo with Phil and Techno. He saw the gentle way they treated him, saw their shoulders shake with laughter. He tried to bury the ache he felt. He was the one to break ties. He can't long for their affection if he's the one who drove them away.

He was right in the end.

Dream left a message.

They had a week. Then they would fight. He didn't want to involve Tubbo but he knew, there was no way to escape Dream's game.

He got to know a couple of people while he prepared.

Karl had started to hang around him more, and with him came Sapnap and Quackity. They were fun to goof off with. Karl would always look at him sadly when he thought he wasn't paying attention though.

Foolish was new to the server, but was a funny guy. Though he seemed a bit more in tune with things than Tommy liked. The first thing the guy did was ask if he was alright, because apparently it isn't normal to have "That much death attached to you".

Puffy had also made an effort to reach out, along with Awesamdude, they seemed kind but...he didn't exactly have a good track record with adults so things were moving rather slowly in that department.

Jack had started hanging around more, at first he would just glare whenever he thought Tommy wasn't looking. Now his looks have settle more into...sympathy? Confusion? Horror? He too seemed to know more than he should.

He did his best to make amends. He couldn’t find Fundy so he wrote letters instead. He spoke to every person he could find, even tracking down Callahan and Alyssa to speak to and apologize. He even reached out to Technoblade, he still had the axe of peace but he promised to return it after the fight.

The only person he didn’t reach out to was Phil. Some part of him felt sad, he wanted his Dad to notice what was going on. The other half felt vindicated, knowing that Phil would be the only one who will die not knowing how he felt. Never knowing all the shit he put his son through.

Puffy seemed to grow more and more worried as his attitude improved, as he started carrying less and less on him, as he expressed his sorrow and affection more and more openly to those around him. He can't blame her. He knows the signs he's giving off.

He knows he won't die. Dream won't let him. He does know, that no matter what happens, after this fight...the server will change somehow.

He wonders if somehow he became more in tune with the server through his constant revivals.

The prepare as best they can and spend the evenings with Ranboo when they need a break.

The day arrives and they bid their goodbyes.

The fight is over faster than it should be. It isn't enough. Not matter how hard they try...it would never be enough.

Dream takes them to a vault. He showcases his plans, his tone borderline hysteric.

He announces he's going to kill Tubbo.

That isn’t in the plan.

Tubbo accepts

He knows that Punz is on his way. His stupid bird hoarding habits had paid off. He was able to gift enormous riches to Dream's only ally. He knew Punz would bring the rest of the server.

He never really wanted them to know. He knew they wouldn't care. Or he thought they wouldn't. The idea of confirmation somehow hurt more.

When Dream pulls Tubbo forward and aims to put a sword through the boy's chest, it doesn’t take much for Tommy to pull Tubbo away and put himself in the way of the blade. He doesn't register the whoosh of the nether portal allowing everyone else in the server through. He doesn't register the scream Tubbo lets out or the gasps of horror at the sight of a 16 year old stabbed through the chest. All he hears is Dream's echoing laughter as he pulls the sword back out and watches Tommy sink to the floor.

The world is frozen.

"I'll admit Tommy! I wasn't expecting that! For you to weaponize my attachment to you to protect your best friend! I mean...why would you? Tubbo abandoned you!"

Tubbo flinches, the pool of blood is growing and Dream's figure starts to blur.

"Everyone here abandoned you! They didn't even notice how much you were slipping in exile! I mean he didn't even hide the hair until 6 months in! You know they don’t care about you! You know what death is like! You've died over and over again and you know how much it hurts! And still you sacrifice yourself for them!"

 The room grows darker,

"It doesn't matter how much it hurts you! You're a bleeding heart Theseus! Always have been and always will be! Your attachment to others is your one weakness, the one thing holding you back from being someone worthy of loving and yet you don't let go!"

His eyes slip closed. No one is moving. Neither is Tommy's chest.

He sees a flash of Wilbur. He's angry this time, Tommy can't help but flinch as he moves closer. Wilbur’s face falls as he notices as much, his smile turns sad as the afterlife fades away.

"C'mon Toms! You know the rules! It's not your time to die yet!"

He sits up, ignoring the horror in Tubbo's eyes as he realizes how much of Dream's speech was true.

He begins to stand up. Dream just keeps rambling about attachment, he doesn't even try to stop the boy as he moves towards the axe of peace hanging on the wall. His laughter rings in everyone's ears.

He grabs it off the wall and starts walking towards Dream. He knows everyone is watching him.

Dream continues on.

He takes a breath, "I suppose it’s never my time to die is it Dream?" His voice is harsh, dying always did leave his throat rather scratchy. Someone chokes on a sob near the nether portal.

Dream laughs again "Tommy! You're too fun to let die! You have no idea how exhilarating it is to watch you break!"

He stalks forward. Dream doesn’t seem to even care.

Tommy raises the axe of peace.

A tyrants head falls to the ground,

"Let the dead stay dead you stupid green motherfucker".

A conversation is had afterwards, the SMP gathers as Tommy washes all the dandelion yellow from his hair. They seem sad to see so much of his previous blonde hair is now a bright white.

Puffy forces him to agree to therapy.

The SMP apologizes for not noticing. For not protecting him. Apparently watching a 16 year old die and get revived and then finding out he's been dying continuously for them already, is enough to make them realize that maybe children should be protected.

Tubbo forces him to move into Snowchester.

Niki and Jack apologize, they had been trying to kill him. He laughs and says he knew. They seem sadder upon hearing that,

Ranboo is given the task of delivering the axe of peace to Techno. Puffy says that he "shouldn't be throwing himself unnecessarily into danger! Techno has already hurt him once and he needs to be safe".

He finds himself spending a lot of time with the fiancés. They're pretty funny. Karl likes to read him stories, Sapnap likes to help him with Pranks. Big Q has been helping teach him how to fly.

Sam is helping him build a hotel, a place where everyone can be safe.

His hindbrain accepted them as his flock. He doesn’t hide his wings anymore.

It isn't perfect. Techno and Phil still haven't apologized, there are still people missing, trauma to work through, but it's enough.

He thinks that for now, it isn't his time to die, and it won’t be for a long while.

Chapter Text

Nothing had gone according to plan,

No, nothing in Dream's bunker went as it should.

Tubbo knew. He knew that they couldn't beat dream. Tommy...something was off with him. Their bond wasn't as tight as it used to be. He supposes it's partially his fault. Tommy's Exile had changed them both. He used to be able to read Tommy like a book.

The pages are seemingly blank now.

He had prepared himself to die, in the bunker. He had bid his adieu's, wrote his will, wrote his eulogy.

He was prepared for everything.

He was not prepared for Tommy to sacrifice himself for him.

Tommy, his Tommy had always been selfless.

The second someone was even slightly endeared to the boy, he would die for them or their cause.

A product of how he was raised.

One of the things he regretted most was telling Tommy he was selfish.

Tommy wasn't selfish, he had sacrificed so much for L'Manburg, he had lived through hell in that ravine, Tommy hadn't even told him what happened.

He saw the bruises.

It was easy enough to figure out the cause with how Wilbur talked. Actions speak louder than words, and trying to put your brother onto a stage you plan on blowing up is pretty damning.

Tommy had lost someone dear to him, despite the fact that Wilbur's mind had been lost long ago. He just wanted his discs, his comfort items, a symbol of conflict in L'Manburg.

Tommy was on the ground now.

Some part of his brain registers Dream talking

" —protect your best friend! I mean...why would you? Tubbo abandoned you!"

He can't help the flinch.

Dream was right.

He had abandoned Tommy.

Tommy would fight the world for him.

He just sat here and watched Tommy die.

He was screaming, for his legs to Move godamnit! Please! He's dying and he's dying and we can't be alone again , it's like the tower—it's like the lightning—he's bleeding he's dying—just move!

Tommy's eyes are closed. His chest stops moving.

Footsteps approach. He tries to reach towards his best friend's corpse, but his movements are clumsy. He's in shock, he's slow, breathing ragged. He manages to get blood all over his hands and clothes as he tries to pull Tommy away from whoever is approaching. To shield him, too late.

Dream leaned over Tommy, he's humming a tune under his breath. A distorted version of Cat.

He puts his hands over Tommy's chest and says some words under his breath.

Then he steps back again. A sneer visible through the cracks on his mask as he avoids the puddles of blood, resuming his monologue as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't killed the most important person here, the most important person to Tubbo.

Tommy's chest rises again.

Tubbo frantically looks towards the wound, so reminiscent of their first president's to find it—gone. There's a scar there, pink and raw looking, Tommy's shirt is still bloodstained, so are his hands.

"C'mon Toms! You know the rules! It's not your time to die yet!"

Tommy opens his eyes. He looks so tired, he sits up, than stands up.

Tubbo knows then, knows by the casual tone Dream took, by the tired acceptance in Tommy's eyes. He knows, that this is not the first time this has happened. He knows this and he aches for his friend.

He follows Tommy with his eyes as the boy moves towards the axe of peace.

There is a streak of white in Tommy’s hair. He thinks of the white roots he had seen on occasion, the white streak after he was struck by lightning and knows they are a consequence of the revivals.

He doesn't know what he expects as Tommy approaches Dream.

He doesn't know why Dream doesn’t react as Tommy approaches Dream.

He just watches as Dream's head is removed from his body in a clean arc, Tommy had always been rather good with axes.

They are escorted through the nether in silence. Sam is at Tommy's side. Anyone can see the concern in his eyes, everyone else settles for throwing concerned glances. Ranboo looks guilty for some reason. Niki and Jack look contemplative. Tommy doesn't notice, too preoccupied with Revived Henry and Revived Friend behind him.

They arrive to the SMP in one piece. There is a soft debate over where to go, they need to talk about the elephant in the room. They are still arguing when Tommy asks if he can go home and take a shower.

Tubbo leads everyone to the meeting room beneath Tommy's house. He sees a few in awe of the architecture. Tommy had always been good at fortresses, he just preferred to be underestimated.

Tommy heads...somewhere to clean himself up. Sam quickly goes and finds a place for Henry and Friend. Despite most having stayed in Tommy's home many times, it was still a maze.

Niki speaks up first.

"Did anyone...know?"

Everyone looks sad.

"...I had a nightmare about it...I think," Heads turn to the End hybrid, who looks upset. "I used to visit Tommy in exile, I wrote him pretty often. He stopped writing back, but thinking back it was probably Dream interfering," His hands are clenched into fists, his claws digging into his hands. " I went to visit him once, and my memory of the whole visit cuts of as soon as I arrived. Except...I kept having a nightmare where Tommy was slumped over, covered in blood, his hair had some white in it too,"

"...Do you know if it's real?" Puffy looks worried, she had seemingly sympathized with the youth of the server before. She never took a side in a conflict.

"...I asked Tommy and he said it wasn't but...I don't know," Ranboo's tone was unsure. He never could trust the memory books could he.

"I can answer that question for you Big man,"

Tommy had returned. The yellow dye he had been using seemingly washed out, as was the blood. A majority of his hair was white, almost as if he had never been blonde in the first place. His stance was forcefully relaxed, he wore Wilbur's trench coat and a loose t-shirt like armor. He carefully sat himself down near Tubbo and Ranboo before continuing.

"I'm sorry for lying to 'ya Big Man, just didn't want 'ya to cry again. Your scars are deep enough as is, 'sides it's not like you knowing would've changed much. Don't beat yourself up, it's all Dream's fault innit?"

Ranboo looks like he's trying not to cry. He wishes he could cry for his friend. His first friend in this server, someone who's been through so much but still hid their problems, just so he wouldn't cry. Someone who made sure he couldn't blame himself now.

"What made him...hurt you?"

"Broke a rule, we were planting a farm. Dream wanted me dependent on 'im. I'd already starved to death once and it's a rather shitty way to go my friend. He lost it and stabbed me, you started cryin', I died, that's all I remember,"

A quiet "Over a fucking garden?" Echos across the room.

There is a beat of silence before another voice chimes in.

"I also knew, It was hard not to. Tommy reeks of death, no offense!" Foolish had always known things he shouldn't have. Tommy laughs and waves his joke off.

Jack Manifold looks ashamed and...angry? "I knew too, Been dead myself. Made it easy enough to figure out that this fellow had died a few times,"

Tommy's expression grew concerned, as did several others. "Wait Jack, you died? Are you okay? Do you need any help?"

Jack's expression only gets angrier, as others chime in with worry. "Can you all just shut up! I died! I died months ago on Doomsday and I came back because I was fuckin' angry! And you!" He points towards Tommy "Don't worry about the guy that was trying to kill you mate!"

Several people appear to pause. Niki looks to the ground.

Tommy laughs "Don't worry about it! What's a little attempted murder between friends!" Jack looks confused now "What? You thought I didn't realize you and Niki were trying to kill me? You guys were obvious as hell,"

Niki's entire being radiates guilt as she softly asks "Than why did you always play along?"

Tommy's expression grows a bitter "I missed my friends," Several people look away guiltily "and it's not like I would've died. I knew that already. You couldn’t kill me in a way that mattered. No one could,"

Everyone grew quiet. The boys recent reckless behavior made a lot more sense now.

"Tommy," Sam looks upset...sad?...mad? Pftt smad. Tommy laughs to himself before looking towards Sam. "How many times have you died?"

"If I'm bein' honest Sammy boy, I lost count. I remember the first handful vividly, Dream used to let me spend quite a while in the void. I remember a couple of more meaningful ones, but most of the time I'd just be killed whenever he dropped by and then revived minutes after. Fucked with me 'ead an' shit, made it harder to remember,"

Tubbo had started crying again. Most people looked horrified. Tubbo scooted closer and grabbed his hand, Ranboo wrapped his tail around his ankle.

"Tommy," Sapnap looks distraught. Karl and Quackity were holding his hands, trying to keep themselves together. " When I came to visit...in the nether...Did you? Did you jump?"

"Yes," Tubbo starts crying harder, a few others starting to break down "It was my first time dying, but don't blame yourself. I've never exactly been good on me 'own. And with all the bullshit I've seen. It was only a matter of time before I lost it. I'm all healed up though, just some burn scars."

Puffy's voice is kind but firm as she asks "Tommy, was that the only time you attempted suicide?"

He shakes his head no.

"’was the easiest way to keep him entertained. Liked seein' me break I guess. Needed to keep him entertained so he didn't go hurt someone actually important,"

Sam speaks up again, "Tommy, you're important. Your health and safety are also important,"

He laughs "Wonder how long that'll last Sam, never been true for long, no matter where I go,"

"Tommy, would you mind letting us see some of your scars? I need to see if there's any...non fatal scars," Puffy sounds tired, tired and worried.

His body languages stiffens. Tubbo grips his hand tighter and sees his friends eyes have grown colder. He thinks for a moment, his nerves palpable in the air.

"'spose you'll find out eventually," He stands up, and quickly shrugs off his trench coat.

"Oh Tommy," Quackity’s heart aches seeing the state of the poor boys wings. Greasy, half plucked, and tense. It is obvious he has no clue how to care for them, or at least no one to help him.

"...that's new," he hears Karl mutter.

Puffy let’s out a sigh of relief.

"They came in when I was with Techno, though I didn’t exactly let the bastard know, he's a wrongun. Just kinda stuck 'em under Will's coat since," Tommy sounds anxious, vulnerable.

"I am going to teach you how to care for you wings, and then as soon as possible, we're gonna have some flying lessons, okay?" Quackity is gentle but insistent. Tommy nods, his shoulders beginning to relax.

"Okay, not to be a dickhead but please get out of my house, I'm tired as fuck, and don't have enough room for you all," A couple of laughs break out. Ranboo and Tubbo both look towards Tommy with pleading eyes, he sighs and gestures for them to follow him.

Everyone leaves the room, feeling a little different.

Tubbo and Ranboo are worried but hopeful, their friend had been vulnerable with people he didn't know extremely well! That was progress, right? They ached for their friend and promised to stick even closer to him, and to help him recover.

Puffy and Sam were distraught, how had they managed to fuck up this much? They spoke so often on why the children of the SMP should be protected, yet never acted. They promised to themselves, that they would fix things. They would help Tommy recover, and would keep Tubbo, Ranboo, and Purpled, if they could, from the same fate.

Quackity and Karl were upset, both viewed themselves as close to Tommy, though not extremely. They thought they were good older sibling figures for the minors, but clearly not good enough if they had missed something this major. They promised themselves that they would be there for the boy from now on.

Sapnap was so disappointed in himself, and in his former friend. He had been right there, and he had failed to see it. He knew, that dream was losing it.  His friend had died long ago, the corpse just started rotting recently.He had watched as he hurt the youngest person here. He had a lot to make up for, but by Prime he was going to do it.

Eret was regretful. If they hadn’t brought everyone to the final control room, would Tommy have had to go through that? If he hadn’t betrayed L’Manburg, would Wilbur have spiraled? She knew she still had so much to atone for. Maybe Tommy would like some new materials, the boy did like sewing…

Jack and Niki were guilty. They were lost, they hadn't really thought of what Tommy had gone through when they thought of the conflicts of the server. There is no victor in war, no true cause. Just Those who hurt and Those who are hurt. Maybe Tommy was a bit more like them than they thought. They promised to themselves that they would be better, that they would try to make it up to their former friend.

Punz and Ponk felt stupid for missing what seemed so obvious now. They’ve known Tommy since he had joined the server, they should have known that something was wrong with him. They may not have been the closest to him, but he was always so open! They had both been his partners in crime at one point, so why hadn’t they seen the changes he went through?

The Badlands left feeling guilty, and a little upset. Overall, they were quick to move past it. The Egg needed their attention after all.

Wilbur, Schlatt, and Mexican Dream watched from a distance, they were happy for Tommy. They were disappointed in themselves for brushing off the boys initial death, disappointed for leaving the boy alone in the afterlife for so long. They were glad that the server had finally taken notice. Tommy deserves to heal, it wasn’t his time yet. They could wait, and when he comes to them. They will apologize and ensure he’s never alone again.

Sam and Sapnap met up again later that night, they had an admin to deal with.

 Ranboo came rushing back to the arctic, he hadn’t really been there for more than an hour in the past…month? Month and a half? Phil and Techno were worried, they had grown rather attached to the boy. So when he dropped by, his tear scars raw, and his suit disheveled, they stopped him. Or rather, followed behind him as he quickly ran around his home gathering seemingly random objects, Alliums, Journals, some Fabric, nothing with an obvious pattern.

“What’s up mate? Been a while since you’ve been back, you alright?” Phil is the one to reach out first.

Ranboo is preoccupied, quick to answer, no real thought behind his words “ Oh nothing much! Just staying in Snowchester with Tommy and Tubbo, recovery’s been rough so far, so I’m a little stressed but good overall,”

Techno’s posture grows tense, “How’s the traitor doin’ then, if he’s takin’ so much of y’er time?”

“He’s on and off, some days he’s almost normal, some days he’s apathetic, other days he’s confused. The worst days are when he’s angry though. He’ll just snap at anyone, which is understandable but then he always curls into himself and waits for punshiment, and if you don’t ground him fast enough he’ll take it into his own hands.” Phil and Techno still, concern begins to fill Phil’s gaze. “It’s fine though, Ms. Puffy said that recovery wasn’t linear, so we just let him be and help him however we can.”

“…Why does he react like that again?” Phil’s voice is soft, he’s wringing his hands as his mind thinks of the worst possible outcomes.

“…Uhhh? I don’t know maybe the literally being murdered dozens of times by Dream, what have you been living under a rock or somethinnnnnnng…” Ranboo finally turns and registers that he’s been speaking to Phil and Techno “Right, yes. Living in the arctic, no contact, makes sense,” Phil’s eyes show how horrified he is, Techno’s eyes are disbelieving, Ranboo watches his expression grow nauseated as someone, presumably Chat, fills him in on the gory details.

“I’m just gonna…yeah I’m gonna go….” Ranboo turns and grabs his assorted items, tossing them into his messenger bag and stepping around Phil and Techno’s frozen forms.

“…that can’t be true…Tommy would have told us…right?” Phil’s voice is thick, his gaze is distant as he tries desperately to ignore the caws of his murder, loud enough to be heard through the walls of the house. Caws confirming the truth behind Ranboo’s statement, caws telling him how he’s failed.

“…Tommy, has a hard time trusting people, especially when people offer to trade him back to, and then side with his abuser. So no, Tommy wouldn’t tell you,” Ranboo replies, than softly continues “his wings are enough evidence of that anyways…”

Techno’s hands clench. Phil chokes back a sob. Ranboo walks out the door, he had plans with his best friends. Apparently the view of the sunset from the Bench was “life-changing” and he had to see it otherwise he was a “bitchboy”.

Fundy returned to the server a few weeks later. He had found Tommy’s letter in his home. He rushed to find his Uncle, their relationship may not be the best, but he cares for Tommy. And the letter was worded a bit too much like a suicide note for his liking.

He found Tommy at a construction site with Awesamdude, his Uncle looked older, his white hair really emphasizing the dark circles under his eyes. Tommy’s wings were covered in bandages from all the plucking, Fundy had never been more glad to see Tommy.

They spent lunch together, catching up. Fundy told of his adventures off server, of his new friend 5up, of the healing that had occurred. Tommy told of his deaths, of his new home in Snowchester, of the healing he was currently working on.

They left the other a little closer, and with a promise to meet up once a week for lunch, and write whenever they went off server. They were determined to keep this relationship intact, after every other one had fallen apart.

Tubbo, Ranboo, and Tommy could be found around Snowchester day to day, Tommy got to meet Micheal, helped design the suits for the platonic wedding. They made Coco when it snowed, Planted flowers in the melting snow after.

Tommy practically melted the first time Tubbo and Ranboo helped preen his wings, his brain chanting Saftey!Safe!Flock!Warm!, he couldn’t hold back the contented chirrups his hindbrain brought out. Ranboo started bringing Tubbo and Tommy pretty blocks he found, wether that be a patch of dirt with an allium, or a carved Quartz block. They started a room where he could display his collection. They built a new bee farm, collecting the honey and using it in practically every meal. Sam and Puffy always smiled and complained about how sweet their meals were. The boys would smile and than add more honey the next time.

Sam and Puffy found themselves more and more involved in the boys lives, Sam helping with Tommy’s hotel, or Snowchester’s red stone, Ranboo’s Experiments to try to create a waterproof suit. Puffy opened her office to all three of them. Eventually they all grew closer and closer, it wasn’t uncommon for one of the boys to slip and call Sam “Dad” or Puffy “Mom”, the adults always smiled wider afterwards. They started coming over for dinner every Saturday, it didn’t take long for the Kinoko boys to join them.

Kinoko Kingdom forged an official alliance with Snowchester, Sapnap, Karl, and Quackity started showing up more and more.

Quackity taught Tommy how to care for his wings, helped the boy create more potions, and was just an all around delight to be around. Tommy’s wings were almost strong enough for flying lessons, Quackity looked forward to seeing the euphoria on his face when he finally took to the skies.

Karl always brought stories, reading to Micheal always turned into reading to Micheal, Tubbo, Ranboo, and Tommy, which quickly turned into a mass sleepover.

Sapnap made sure they felt safe, always handling any mobs near by. He always knocked on the boys doors before bed, reminding them that he cared, and that they could talk to him. They always smiled and told him that they loved their big brother Sapnap more. He’s cried over the title more than once, though he’ll never admit it. He also helped out in what quickly became Snowchester’s annual prank wars.

George started coming by as well. He helps Tubbo with his Snowchester builds, he messes around with Tommy, talks time and memory loss with Ranboo. He quickly becomes another sibling to the boys.

Tommy and Ranboo get asked to be flower boys at the fiancé’s wedding, Tubbo to be Quackity’s best man. The Kinoko boys always made sure to bring new exciting dishes on saturdays. Niki had been helping them all learn how to cook, it paid off well.

Niki had moved fully into her underground city, Jack Manifold following her. They got to work, coming up with plans to help Tommy. Plans as complex as getting wolves near Snowchester to stop skeletons from coming near Tommy to plans as simple as baking him cookies every week.

Tommy always made sure to invite them to join whatever he was doing when they would drop by, they had yet to turn down an invitation. Lots of new memories were made of the impulsive invitations, new things were learned, they grew closer and closer.

Eret had been dropping by more and more as well. New houses were being built in Snowchester, to accommodate the amount of visitors. He always brought rare materials, unique metals for Tubbo to work with, interesting Blocks for Ranboo’s collection,  rare fabric for Tommy ( “No but seriously Eret, how the fuck did you get your hands on 16th century muslin?” Eret and Karl share a smile “A lot of money Tommy”). The boys take their gifts graciously, than firmly remind them that they doesn’t need to buy affection, that they have already been forgiven. Eret always smiles in return, her boys were so kind. Far too kind for someone like her. They bring gourmet dishes every week, Tommy makes a peculiar expression at each gold leaf.

Technoblade and Phil began to make visits as well. They apologize to Tommy, to Tubbo. They do not regret the destruction of L’Manburg, but they do regret hurting the children who called it home. They aren’t turned away, but they are kept at a distance. Everyone sees the longing looks Phil casts at Tommy’s wings, at Tommy and Sam. Sees the particularly long glances Technoblade casts towards Tommy and Quackity. In reality the anarchists do not mind, they can be patient. Tommy has always had a forgiving nature. They just have to earn that forgiveness first. They are invited to Saturday dinners all the same.

The Eggpire is invited as well. They always show up, an opportunity to preach about the Egg. Puffy has been bringing Omelettes ever since.

Soon enough every single person on the server comes to these Saturday dinners. They build a new building in Snowchester, one big enough to fit them all. It’s a space always filled with laughter and warmth.

It isn’t perfect. The Eggpire is growing, people still fight, People are still missing. Purpled is alone somewhere. Punz and Ponk have both fallen to the Eggpire. The Syndicate and Snowchester still aren’t exactly allies. But on Saturdays, on saturdays they are family.