Chapter Text
From the moment Kang Yeosang met Jung Wooyoung, he knew that there was something different about him. Wooyoung, although a bit over the top at first, understood Yeosang like no one else ever had. They had rapidly become best friends, holding each other up through thick and thin. Even when they were across the room from one another, Yeosang was aware of where Wooyoung was at all times. He could tell Wooyoung felt the same because every time Yeosang glanced over at him to share a smile, Wooyoung was already looking at him. The other boys teased them for being so codependent, but Yeosang was grateful for it. No matter how desperately he wanted to be an idol, entering the industry felt a bit like swimming with sharks and he didn't know if he would have been able to survive without Wooyoung at his back. In return, he bore Wooyoung's biting habit with grace and made sure to provide a listening ear to all of Wooyoung's insecurities. He knew when Wooyoung needed to rant without interruption and when he wanted to be reassured, and made sure he delivered the appropriate response every time. He was the only person Wooyoung would trust with everything, and he was proud of it.
The one topic of conversation they had learned to avoid was sex. Wooyoung had initially tried to talk and joke with Yeosang about it, but after a few of Yeosang's increasingly awkward responses he stopped bringing it up. It wasn't that Yeosang was squeamish about it, exactly, but he wasn't used to sex being talked about so openly and he didn't really get the whole fuss over it. He was only seventeen, after all — sex could wait until he had enough time to sleep for eight hours a night.
Of course, living with a bunch of other teenage boys meant that he couldn't avoid the topic completely. The others talked about their school crushes over dinner almost every day. Occasionally someone would ask Yeosang about his, but luckily his reputation for being shy and innocent deflected most of the attention from him. On the rare occasions it wasn't, Wooyoung was always there with a story wild enough to distract the others. Yeosang was pretty sure that Wooyoung made them all up, but he was grateful for it so he never called him out. It was during one of these conversations that the topic of friend-crushes came up.
One of the trainees was sarcastically fluttering his eyelashes as he recounted running into Taehyung in the hallway and chatting with him for a whole five minutes.
"My heart was honestly fluttering when he looked at me," the trainee recounted enthusiastically. "It felt like the world had faded around us, he's so pretty oh my god. I'm not sure how I managed to say anything back to him, and when he hugged me I practically melted into the floor."
The others laughed and teased him good-naturedly.
"Ah, to be young and in love," Wooyoung said, gripping his heart dramatically.
"If he asked you out, would you say yes?" Yeonjun asked teasingly. The other trainee laughed lightly and shook his head.
"Nah, it's just a friend-crush, you know? Not a crush-crush." Yeosang nodded along with the others even though he had no idea what they were talking about. It certainly sounded like the crushes he had had when he was younger. Although, come to think of it, it also sounded a lot like what he felt for Wooyoung. His heart did flutter a bit when he saw Wooyoung, especially when they shared one of their secret smiles, and he enjoyed their skinship in a way that he didn't with other trainees, but that was just because they were best friends, right? Aside from the romance they were practically a married couple already, so it made sense his feelings for Woo would run deep. But then what was the difference between a friend-crush and a crush-crush?
When he had finally gotten up the nerve to pull Soobin aside later and ask him about it, the other trainee had given him a bewildered look.
“You don’t desperately want to have sex with your friend-crushes, hyung,” Soobin said, slowly.
“Right, right, obviously,” Yeosang had laughed awkwardly and quickly changed the subject. He didn’t want to have sex with Wooyoung. The thought was just… weird. So maybe he had a friend-crush on Wooyoung?
Yeosang didn’t have time to think too much about the issue, though. Even more stressful than their daily schedule was Yeosang’s growing certainty that his future didn’t lie at Big Hit Entertainment. Once he had accepted that, there was no choice but for him to leave and try to chase his dreams somewhere else. The thought of leaving Wooyoung felt like a betrayal — after all, they had promised to debut together and how could they do that if they were at different companies? But Wooyoung told him in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want Yeosang to hold himself back on Wooyoung’s account, so Yeosang packed his bags with a heavy heart and left.
The day that Wooyoung joined him at KQ as a trainee was one of the best of Yeosang’s life. He still missed the other friends he had made at Big Hit, but he had always been closest to Wooyoung and at least now, when he accidentally referenced an inside joke from their Big Hit days, there was someone else who could understand. The growing pressure of their upcoming debut was intense, but Yeosang honestly felt like he could do anything now that Wooyoung was back by his side. Secure in the strength of their relationship, he threw himself into training and building bonds with the other six members that they would be debuting with.
And then they debuted, and what Yeosang had thought were intense schedules suddenly seemed like rest days. The weeks spun by in a haze of performances, recording sessions, and reality filming. They pulled themselves out of bed in the morning, worked all day, and collapsed back into bed at night. Oftentimes, if Wooyoung or Yeosang had had a bad day, they would crawl into the other's bunk and fall asleep to whispered assurances. On the surface, things seemed perfectly normal between the two of them.
The first time Yeosang noticed that things had changed was when they were given a surprise half-day off to recuperate before a long day of filming. He automatically looked to Wooyoung to see if he wanted to grab some ice cream, only to catch Wooyoung and San already leaving the room with joint hands. The pattern continued — every time they had time off or were assigned a pair activity, Wooyoung and San had teamed up by the time Yeosang looked over.
It’s not that he was jealous. He loved San too, and didn’t begrudge the two of them their time together. It was just… he missed Wooyoung. Missed when they used to stay up way too late chatting about everything and nothing, how they could know exactly what the other was thinking with just a glance. He knew that part of that was his own fault — Yeosang had spent so much energy trying to get to know the other members that when he finally looked up Wooyoung had attached himself to San. Now that he realized what had happened, it felt like it was too late. They still saw each other every day, of course, but he couldn’t remember the last time they had had an in-depth conversation between just the two of them. Wooyoung’s energy and charisma had always been one of Yeosang’s favorite things about him, but lately it felt like a curse. Everyday Yeosang would wake up determined to ask Wooyoung to hang out with him but, by the time their schedules were over and Yeosang had worked up the nerves to broach the subject, Wooyoung had already gone off somewhere with San or one of his other idol friends.
So instead Yeosang spent his nights moping around the house and half-heartedly trying to work on his songwriting skills. The others noticed, because of course they did, and each tried to cheer him up in their own way. Yunho offered to play games with Yeosang, Jongho and Mingi teamed up and dragged him out to the movies, Hongjoong stayed late in the studio and showed him the basics of producing, and Seonghwa patiently listened to him talk through his disordered thoughts within the safety of the elder's bunk. Yeosang appreciated it all, and his relationship with the others grew even deeper for it, but none of them could replace the relationship he had with Wooyoung.
Even worse, the more he talked things through with Seonghwa the more he realized that he was missing San as well. He didn’t know San as well as he knew Wooyoung, of course, but Yeosang thought they had shared a special relationship and gentle understanding all the same. Whereas San was soft and cuddly and acquiescent to most of the other members, he took the lead a bit more with Yeosang. Whether it was pulling Yeosang into his arms or wiping away the bits of food that always got stuck around his mouth, San looked after Yeosang in a more tender way than Wooyoung did. Wooyoung was fiercely protective of Yeosang whereas San smothered him with compliments and affection, and both approaches made Yeosang feel a bit unsteady yet safe and cared for at the same time. Now that the two were suddenly spending all of their off-time together, Yeosang was desperately missing the comfort they had both provided.
In a way, it wasn’t a surprise when Wooyoung finally sought him out only to nervously tell him that he had feelings for San and wanted to ask him out. Yeosang’s stomach dropped but he managed to paste on a bright smile and tell Wooyoung that he was happy for him and of course San would say yes.
“So, you’re okay with it?” Wooyoung asked hesitantly, looking a bit surprised. Yeosang wasn’t sure what he had done to make Wooyoung think that he wouldn’t support him, but he knew he needed to nip that in the bud so he straightened his spine determinedly and told Wooyoung in no uncertain terms that he loved him no matter what and wanted Wooyoung to be happy more than anything. It was all true, which made it easier to ignore the sinking feeling in Yeosang’s stomach that he had no idea how to explain.
“But, I thought - ” Wooyoung started to say before they were interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Wooyoung, you wanted to leave now, right?” San asked, poking his head around the door.
“Yeah…” Wooyoung trailed off, looking at San and then back at Yeosang.
“Go,” Yeosang said, pushing him gently. “Have fun.”
“Okay.” Wooyoung pressed a sudden kiss to Yeosang’s cheek and then quickly got up and joined San at the door. It swung shut behind them, leaving Yeosang alone in his bed with one hand belatedly pressed to his flaming cheek.
Wooyoung didn’t come back to their room that night, and the way he and San clung to one another the next day confirmed that they had gotten together even before Wooyoung whispered the news to Yeosang before dance practice. At some point during the day they must have told the other members, because no one blinked an eye when San kissed Wooyoung on the lips in thanks for cooking dinner that night. They toned it down when the cameras were on, but in the privacy of their dorm San and Wooyoung were somehow even more inseparable than they had been before. The eight of them settled into a new routine around the couple, with Yunho and Wooyoung switching beds a couple nights a week. Yeosang wondered why they didn't just switch rooms for good, but he didn't want to ask in case Wooyoung actually did decide to leave him. Wooyoung still slept in his own bed most nights, so Yeosang just tried to go with the flow the way the others seemed to.
Yeosang wasn’t really sure why it bothered him so much. He had asked himself for the millionth time if he had a crush on Wooyoung, and had even considered the possibility that he might have a crush on San, but after careful analysis that just didn’t seem to be the case. The thought of kissing them seemed a bit nice, certainly better than the idea of making out with any of the other members, but the idea of having sex with either of them just… wasn’t appealing. He shuddered a bit. No, they were his closest friends and he just missed them both desperately, Yeosang decided. But he would let them have their honeymoon period before bringing it up and just try to enjoy the attention they lavished on him during filming, in the meantime.
The others each tried to get him to talk about it again, but this time Yeosang clammed up. He had no idea what was going on with himself, so how could he possibly explain it to someone else? And, more than that, Yeosang was starting to feel like he was dragging them all down over what was probably just him being immature and whiny. So he made sure he took care of the others when they looked especially tired, threw himself even harder into his extra practice sessions, and tried desperately to forget whatever was making him feel so weird. Unfortunately, every song he tried to write somehow ended up being about Wooyoung or San and dancing alone in the studio only reminded him of the days when he and Wooyoung used to stay up for hours practicing together. What did finally distract him was a completely unexpected crisis sparked by a conversation with a fan at one of their pre-concert fansigns.
This particular fan seemed a bit shy when they first sat down, but also had a determined glint in their eye that Yeosang had come to realize meant that the fan had a story to share.
“I was really nervous before coming out to my parents, so I listened to Star 1117 and Light on repeat,” the fan told him earnestly. “It really helped me find the strength to talk with them.”
“Wow,” Yeosang said admiringly, blinking back the sudden tears that had sprung to his eyes. This wasn’t the first time he had heard this type of story, but it never stopped making him tear up. Everything they had been through was worth it for even one moment like this. “Congratulations, that’s so brave of you. It really means a lot to us that you’re able to find comfort in our music. If it’s not too personal, did it go okay?”
The fan laughed lightly. “Yeah, they still love me and everything, they just didn’t know what asexuality was at all so I had to do a lot of explaining.”
“A-asexuality?” Yeosang repeated. He had heard the term before but he wasn’t quite sure what it meant.
“Ah, it means that I don’t experience sexual attraction,” the fan explained haltingly. “A lot of people think it means you don’t experience any attraction at all but that’s not necessarily true. I definitely experience romantic attraction, I just don’t want the sexual side of things.”
“Oh,” Yeosang said, numbly. He shook himself and refocused on the fan in front of him. “Thank you for explaining, I didn’t know. But I’m glad it went well!” The fan smiled gently at him and moved on to asking him about the concert stages.
Yeosang managed to push the conversation to the back of his mind and keep it together for the rest of the fansign, but as soon as they were in the relative privacy of backstage he collapsed onto a couch and pulled out his phone to disguise the way his mind was racing. Weren’t romantic and sexual attraction the same thing? And if not, what was the difference? It felt important, even if he wasn't quite sure why. There were too many stylists and managers running around for Yeosang to feel comfortable looking up the answers, so he just scrolled mindlessly through his photos. He hadn’t even realized that he had stopped on one particular photo of Wooyoung kissing San on the cheek until Seonghwa plopped down beside him and hooked his chin on Yeosang’s shoulder to look down at his phone.
“That’s a cute photo,” Seonghwa said knowingly. Yeosang refocused on his phone and blushed.
“I guess…” he said, quickly swiping past it to a photo of the eight of them grabbing ice cream together after a particularly good practice.
“You know, if there’s ever anything you need to talk to us about…” Seonghwa said, trailing off.
“What - what do you mean?” Yeosang asked, taken aback. Seonghwa studied him for a moment.
“Nothing in particular, you’ve just been a bit quiet lately. You know we all love you and support you, no matter what — if there’s ever anything you want to tell us or talk through, we’ll all be here for you. I won’t even be offended if you go to Hongjoong instead.” Seonghwa tapped him playfully on the nose as he finished speaking and Yeosang raised a skeptical eyebrow at him.
“Well, I won’t be offended much, anyways,” Seonghwa conceded. “By the way, I saw the cutest video of this baby and kitten playing together, wanna see?” Yeosang gratefully latched onto the change of subject and let Seonghwa’s comforting presence soothe his confusion, for now.
After they returned home from the concert, Yeosang impatiently rushed through his shower and changed into his pajamas, hoping for once that his room would be empty so that he could look up his questions in privacy. The world seemed to be conspiring against him, however, because when he entered he found a freshly-showered Woosan cuddled up in Wooyoung’s bunk watching videos on San’s phone.
“Sang-ah!” Wooyoung said happily, sitting up slightly. “We were waiting for you! Do you want to watch a movie with us?”
“Ah, no, thanks, that’s okay,” Yeosang said hurriedly, grabbing his headphones and charger and backing out of the room again. “You two enjoy.”
“But - ” Yeosang pretended not to hear and let the door swing shut behind him, missing the crestfallen looks on San and Wooyoung’s faces.
He paused in the hallway, not really sure where to go. Seonghwa’s words from earlier replayed in his head and he headed down towards the room that Seonghwa and Hongjoong shared. The door was already partially open so he stuck his head around it. The eldest two members were sitting at opposite ends of their shared desk. Seonghwa was in the early stages of putting together some type of model, and Hongjoong was reforming yet another jean jacket.
“Hyungs?” Yeosang asked. Seonghwa and Hongjoong looked up from their respective projects.
“Is everything okay, Yeosang-ah?” Seonghwa asked concernedly.
“Yeah, just… Wooyoung and San are in our room so would it be okay if I stay here for a bit?”
“Yes, of course,” Hongjoong said, frowning and putting down his paintbrush. “Did they sexile you? Because I can talk with them about -”
“No, no!” Yeosang said hurriedly. “They’re watching a movie. I just wanted to read some stuff, so,” he trailed off and waved his phone awkwardly, hoping they wouldn’t ask why he didn’t just go to the living room.
“Ah, okay. You can take my bunk?” Hongjoong suggested.
Yeosang gratefully made himself comfortable on the bed, carefully arranging himself so that the screen of his phone was facing away from his hyungs, and typed ‘asexuality’ into the search bar with shaking fingers.