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Rowena was having a perfectly pleasant morning - well, as pleasant as the dark caverns of hell could be anyway. A good cup of tea, her favorite vinyl on the record player, two strapping young demons installing a new portrait of herself above the entranceway. Being Queen suited Rowena. Of course it did. She was born to rule, not by bloodline but by drive and lust for power.
In the distance, the soft chords of a guitar interrupted her song. She turned her head towards the ceiling, trying to figure out where the new song came from.
“Beelzebub, is that you again?” She snapped. “I told you to keep your music down.”
The music started to grow louder and more clear, close enough to make out the lyrics.
You live in the dark, boy, I cannot pretend.
To Rowena’s surprise, the thrown room’s ceiling split open and a stripper pole descended before her. Miles above, Rowena spotted a young man descending, red braids flapping in the wind. As he approached, grinding and gyrating on the pole, she noticed he only wore a pair of rhinestone hot pants.
Rowena couldn’t help but smile at her good fortune. It’s not every day a handsome young man slides into her court practically in his birthday suit. Was it her birthday? Was a wayward demon trying to get into her good favor?
I’m not fazed, only here to sin.
If Eve ain’t in your garden, you know that you can-
The music stopped abruptly as the man gracefully dismounted on the ground. “Oh. Hello.” He said politely. “I thought I would arrive just outside the thrown room. I am here to see The Devil.”
“The Devil?”
“Yes. Satan. Lucifer. The First Ruler of Hell. I’m sure you know.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, dearie. I’m afraid you’re too late. Lucifer died not long ago. Now I am the Queen of Hell.”
“Oh,” The young man sighed dejectedly. “This won’t work at all.”
“What won’t work?”
“Let me start from the beginning,” The young man began pacing as he wove his tale.
“My name is Lil Nas X, but when I was born my parents gave me the name Montero. That’s the name of the song I slid in on too, you can stream it on Spotify, Amazon or Apple Music. It’s the first single on my album that comes out this summer, which you can preorder now.
“All my life, Christians told me that if you’re gay, like I am, you’d go to hell. So I figured, if I was going to go to hell, I might as well make the most of it. I made a deal with a Crossroads demon for my soul. In return for my soul, the demon got Billy Ray Cyrus for my 'Old Town Road' remix. My plan was that when I died, I would be sent to hell as a demon. Then I’d give Satan a lap dance, kill him, and rule over hell myself. But seeing as Satan’s dead and the current Queen of Hell is a woman, that’s not really going to work anymore.”
Rowena nodded sympathetically at Lil Nas X. “Aye. I suppose if my son Crowley were still King, you could give him a lap dance and try to snap his neck - but he has passed on to The Empty, I’m afraid.”
“Crowley - that’s the demon I sold my soul to!” Lil Nas X exclaimed. “He was King of Hell? I should’ve done all that when we made the deal. Maybe. In my head, the Devil was a lot hotter than Crowley.”
“Well, you’re welcome to stay here in hell. We’re having a reception for new souls tomorrow-”
Rowena was interrupted by a fluttering of wings and the appearance of two Angels. Well, one Angel and one Nephilim imbued with the power of God. “Lil Nas X!” The blond one exclaimed.
On second glance, Lil Nas X realized that the two were dressed oddly for Angels. In his mind, Angels wore togas of light muslin dropped over chiseled chests, adorned with golden crowns and white wings outstretched. These two looked like nerds. Togas were traded for a tee shirts, denim and suits, wings replaced with a white zipper hoodie and a tan trench coat.
“Is this the ‘Old Road Town’ rapper?” The dark haired angel asked. He reminded Lil Nas X of the confused parents trailing after his younger fans. “The one who wrote the song about running away on horseback and getting intoxicated with cough syrup to escape the shame of fornicating with someone who is not his partner?”
“Yes, that’s him!” The younger angel exclaimed. “You left heaven so fast! I didn’t have time to explain before you slid down the fireman’s pole.”
“That wasn’t a fireman’s pole, Jack,” The trenchcoat-wearing man mumbled. Jack didn’t seem to hear him.
“It’s okay that you’re gay! I don’t mind at all. Cas’s in love with a man too,” Jack pointed to the other angel “I don’t even really think Chuck - the last God - cared either. Not that he was around much, he was kind of a deadbeat. You don’t have to go to hell, though! Crowley’s dead so his deals are voided. You can go to heaven!”
“Wait, the last God?” Lil Nas X asked.
“Yeah. It’s a long story, but I took on his powers after he tortured my family and tried to kill me a few times. Now the old God’s just a washed-up fantasy writer in Des Monies. I think he’s going to DragonCon this year if you want to meet him.”
“Technically he doesn’t have to go to heaven or hell. He didn’t die. He just ran into Heaven’s portal - Aidreal realized what was going on and was able to preserve his body before it got disintegrated,” Cas turned to Lil Nas X “If you promise to stop messing around with the gates to heaven, we’ll put you back in your body and we can all forget this ever happened.”
“Forget this ever happened? Cas this is the best day of my life!” Jack exclaimed. “I’m such a huge fan,” The artist smiled at Jack as he started doing a pretty bad interpretation of the Old Town Road dance.
“I kinda like the vibe here. Are you sure I have to go to heaven when I die for real?”
“Heaven is what you make of it. If you would like to spend eternity surrounded by…this…I’m sure it can be arranged,” Cas explained.
“I welcome visitors too,” Rowena outstretched her hand to clasp Lil Nas X’s. “It was so good to meet you, dearie. Perhaps by the time you return, Fergus will have found some way to resurrect himself and you can try this all again.”
Lil Nas X nodded, stepped back towards the pole and held onto it. The pole began to retract, slowly pulling him back up towards heaven.
“Y’all pretty cool,” Lil Nas X lied. “Always good to meet a fan.”
As the pole pulled Lil Nas X up into the clouds, he sighed. disappointed he couldn’t grind on the Devil’s face and snap his neck. Oh well, he thought, relieved that the tax accountant angel was going to put him back in his body. Better to go platinum on Earth than serve in heaven.