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Alastair began to turn away. Thomas reached out to catch at him, and the feel of Alastair’s shoulder under his fingers almost undid him. He had touched him, like this, in the Sanctuary: had rested his hands on Alastair’s shoulders, letting Alastair bear up his weight as they kissed. “Don’t,” Alastair said, not looking at him. “It isn’t possible. It won’t ever be.” He pulled away, hurrying to rejoin Jem. "Talk to me, Alastair" Thomas raised his voice and the black-haired boy stopped halfway between him and his cousin Jem. For the first time since the two had known each other, Alastair had turned and looked back. "I've already said everything I needed to say." Alastair lowered his voice to ward off the attention Thomas had brought. "Exactly, you said what you had to say Alastair. Not what you wanted." Thomas was red with anger, exhausted from all those feelings felt simultaneously. Alastair looked as tired as he was, but he was able to hide it from everyone. Everyone except Thomas, who seemed to know him more than he should have, more than any other person. "Although you are trying to speak philosophically I said what ... I said everything, Thomas. I am doing it for you too, don't make things more difficult than they already are" Alastair had approached him in order to speak in a lower tone. They were a strange combination, but when they were this close, they shared the same light and the same shadows. They seemed to form a dimension of their own, with no access for others, separate from everything else. Although the two didn't touch and they were so different, they seemed to have a grip on each other, so strong that it seemed physical. "I don't know why you said these things. But if you did it because you don't reciprocate what I feel and you are sorry to tell me, that's okay. But you have to say it. You have to allow me to go on. Because yes, Alastair, I love you. And I'm not ashamed to say it, I wouldn't be ashamed to say it even in front of hundreds of people. But if you didn't feel what I do, I'd try to move on. Because love doesn't mean despair, it never has to mean it and I don't deserve to watch you go while I wait, in vain, for you to turn around one day. I don't deserve it" Thomas spoke swiftly but clearly, the words overflowing from his mouth like a raging river but clear as spring waters. "And if instead you said them out of great altruism, then I have to say thank you, but nobody asked you. I didn't ask you. I don't want you to think that I'm your sister, someone you owe constantly taking care of or making decisions for. I don't want you to be responsible for my actions or choices. Because Alastair, I want to walk beside you, not behind you, even if it were a single step" Alastair was so shaken that he couldn't move a muscle. He wanted to talk, to say something, but he couldn't. And that was weird. Strange, because Alastair had always had something to say, about everything and everyone. But now, in front of that boy who always surprised him, he didn't have a single word to say. "Tom-" "No, let me finish" Thomas was so taken by the heat and the need to finish his speech, that he had not even realized that the face of the boy in front of him had opened in a small, almost imperceptible, smile. "If you said, instead, that this, that we, are impossible, just because you think you don't deserve it, then let me tell you, Alastair Carstairs, you are a huge fool." And Alastair after these words had smiled openly with his eyes tingling with tears. Thomas had finally noticed him and took his hand, cautious, almost like he was approaching a stray cat and was afraid of being scratched. But Alastair had returned the squeeze and had grabbed a hem of his dark jacket to have him closer. "Because of all the people I know, you are the one who most deserves to be loved and protected. And you have to let somebody do it. Allow me to be that someone, Alastair " Thomas was now as if he were whispering, but his words rang so loud in Alastair's ears, so clear and tried. More sincere than any other vow or promise. More sincere than those that were mined with The Mortal Sword. Thomas had placed his forehead against Alastair's and his eyes too had filled with tears "Doost-et daarem" Alastair's eyes widened and he couldn't control his smile. "I love you too, delbar-am" And finally, Thomas was smiling again.