Chapter Text
Kojiro had never hated his friend's pretty letters as much as he did in that moment.
The letter said "Dear Kojiro" in Kaoru's best writing, and that alone left him suspicous. Kaoru was never nice.
Kaoru never called him dear, hell, he really even bothered with his name.
So even those two words told him something was wrong.
And then the next line said "I'm sorry", and that made him even more suspicious, and "I know I'm not precisely a good friend", and that's when he started to get concered.
It wasn't the first time Kaoru had expressed that sentiment. They had gotten drunk together more than once, and on some of these occasions, especially when other people were around, Kojiro would leave Kaoru's side for a few moments and come back to him muttering to himself, catch the tail-end of sneared sentences and curses. "Asshat", and "shit friend", and for the most part Kojiro assumed Kaoru was talking some of their shared friends, but then, well.
They had gotten drunk together or more than one occasion, and so it happened that Kaoru drank too much, from time to time, and ended up being too honest.
The instances had been few enough, only once or twice over the years, but still. After that, Kojiro always made sure to make more time for Kaoru than usual, and Kaoru never seemed to remember.
Then there had been the time they properly fought, two years back, and their insults had gotten vicious and cruel and Kojiro had called Kaoru an "useless friend", and "annoying", and a couple other things he came to deeply regret and mostly didn't mean.
And Kaoru had gone all quiet, in the middle of that fight, and said "I'm trying not to be", and before Kojiro had a change to recover from the sudden change in tone, Kaoru had left, and then they had not spoken to each other for a month.
So the concept of Kaoru putting himself down was -- not entirely unfamiliar, but rare enough to raise concerns and all sorts of red flags.
"Anyway" the letter continued, words so casual and letters so carefully crafted, "Remember that project I was talking about? It went pretty well, and maybe you can still get some use out of it."
Kojiro's mouth had gone dry. He didn't know what was wrong yet, but Kaoru would never volunitarily had over his projects. Never. Something had to be wrong.
"I have some explanations written down on -" Bullshit, what did he care.
His eyes skimmed the letter, almost frenzied. What's going on, Kaoru? 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯, 𝘒𝘢𝘰𝘳𝘶?
"So I've decided to relieve both the world and myself. I've had enough -" The letter fell to the ground. Slowly.
Kojiro found himself frozen in place, heart rate picking up. Forgot to breath for a moment, then gasped in huge swath of air and groped for his phone, laying on the bedroom table. Dialed Kaoru's number and didn't get through.
Grabbed his keys, his board, kept his phone in the other hand and kept it ringing ringing ringing, even as he stumbled down the stairs, even as he fell through the front door, even speeding through the city streets on his skateboard, and phone kept ringing in his ear, and Kaoru kept not answering.
He found Kaoru sitting on the railing of their usual meeting spot, right over the sea.
It was a familiar image, and one that suddenly filled Kojiro with dread.
Kaoru didn't look at him but hr must've heard him coming because he said "Hi" his voice so casual that for a moment Kojiro hoped he had miscontructed, but then Kaoru tagged on "came to watch me die?" and it felt like all the air was pushed out of him at once.
"Kaoru -" His own voice sounded broken, chocked on the tears that were gathering in his eyes, and Kaoru whipped around then, turned to look at him.
"Kojiro?" His voice was full of disbelief, and Kojiro pushed the hurt from that down with the tears and took a step closer.
Kaoru's grip around the railing tightened at that and he scooted forward, and Kojiro stopped.
"Kaoru," he tried again, but Kaoru shook his head, stared at him in disbelief.
“What are you doing here?”
“I found your letter -”
“Of course you found my letter, that's what it was there for, stupid --" Kaoru seemed to chocke on the words, remained silent for a moment, then in a valiant effort to sound nonchalant: "That doesn't answer the question though."
“Kaoru." It felt like his heart was tearing out of his body, trying to tear through his chest and explode, and like his tongue was made of lead, and he forced himself not to leap forward, lest he startle Kaoru into letting go and falling. "You said you were going to die."
"I know what I said." Kaoru sounded impatient. Kaoru sounded genuinely confused too, and it hurt. "Doesn't damn well answer the bloody question now, does it?"
And Kojiro was left breathless by that, soulless heartless, frozen and unable to think.
"You thought I wouldn't care." His voice sounds faint. He feels faint, too, and some distant part of him wonders how he could have failed his friend to spectecularly.
And Kaoru shrugged. Like it was nothing, like he hadn't just torn Kojiro's heart to pieces, like he didn't make him want to weep, he shrugged.
Like that was just part of living.
"I figured you would appreciate the opportunity."
"Opp -- What? Kaoru, I --"
But Kaoru's voice cut through his own, shap and precise, and he took one hand from the rails to raise it, and Kojiro's heart nearly stopped, but Kaoru didn't even wobble.
Instead, he started speaking, raised a finger with each point he made, like he wasn't hammering nail by nail into Kojiro's coffin, like he wasn't condeming him, judging him for sins yet uncommited.
Like this was all just part of live, and by the gods Kojiro prayed it wasn't.
"One." Kaoru's voice was strong. It didn't even waver. "I have been the one causing you to skip school and go skating. Don't even try to deny it. Because of me your grades are falling, the teachers don't like you anymore 𝘢𝘯𝘥 you've had to run from the police. That'd stop, with me out of the pictute, even if you kept the skating."
Kojiro felt like he should say something, but his mouth had forgotten how to move, and he stood rooted to the spot as Kaoru raised a second finger.
"Two. We all know you're much more popular than I am. Without me to drag you down, you could have tons of friends."
I don't want tons of friends, Kojiro wanted to say, I want you.
He couldn't speak.
"Three. I'm a pretty horrible friend. Dunno the last time I did you the favour, dunno the last time you didn't do me one."
"Kaoru -"
"Four. You could probably make good money with the beginnings of my AI.
"Five." A smile stretched across Kaoru's face, somewhere between vicious and tired. "The pity would get you everywhere.
"You have everything to gain and nothing to loose, and you don't even have to do anything for it." His eyes softened, his voice too. "Just turn around, Kojiro. I promise I don't mind.
"I know well enough that I'm -"
His mouth snapped shut, like he couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence and Kojiro was selfishly, violently glad.
"One favour," he forced out, past a numb tongue and dry lips. "Grant me - Please. Just one favour."
Kaoru sighed, and somehow his shoulders fell, and somehow he looked suddenly broken. "Sure. Anything you want." That last part sounded almost eager. "You deserve that much at least."
And then he barrled on, like he had to say his piece, like he couldn't help but trample Kojiro's heart with that damned hopeful town of his. "I decided to leave you Carla because I know she can make good money if you sell her to the right people, I have made you a list.
"But I also know that won't make up for -" He shrugged, like he didn't quite know how to say it. "So if I can somehow make it up to you, I will. I promise, I will."
Make up what, Kojiro wanted to scream. Kaoru you bastard, you don't have anything to make up for, but all that made it past his lips was a sad little sound, pained and quiet and higher pitched than usual.
"Italy," he bit out, and Kaoru blinked at him in blatant confusion.
"What?"
"Italy, I -- I'm going to Italy. Come with me."
Kaoru's brows drew into a frown, and Kojiro panicked.
"Please! You said anything. You promised me anything."
Kaoru opened his mouth, but Kojiro barrlled on and on and found he couldn't stop, because if he stopped talking Kaoru might react, and Kojiro wasn't sure if he'd be quick enough to catch him if he fell and "I don't wanna go alone and I was going to ask you anyway, but if you want to do me a favour then come to europe with me. We can go to paris and I'll let you make fun of my french, you know I'd be horrible at communicating there, I'd get lost and you can't just let me get lost in Paris, right? And besides I already got an apartment for the two of us, you just need to --"
"Kojiro."
He had run out of breath, and Kaoru had used that brief gasp, and now Kojiro found himself struck mute again, eyes glued on Kaoru, watching for any quick movements and ready to leap at a moment's notice.
Waiting for the verdict, praying for the outcome.
"If you're sure that's what you want," Kaoru said, and he sounded hesistant, was watching Kojiro almost as carefully was vice versa. "I can go with you to Italy. I owe you."
And all at once the air seemed to leave Kojiro and he breathed out "Thank God" and collapsed back against the wall, and then added "Yes. Please," just in case Kaoru needed clarification, and watched his friend climb back over, slowly, almost lingering, almost like he was saying good bye to a lover and not certain death, and Kojiro couldn't help it.
He started bawling.
Kaoru's face lit up in alarm, and in a second he was kneeling besides him, put his hand on Kojiro's shoulder, warm and alive and god.
"Hey," he whispered, and he still had the audacity to sound confused, like he didn't understand why Kojiro would be crying and that made him sob even harder, and Kaoru drew him into a careful hug, like he wasn't quite sure he was doing this right, like he was testing the waters and Kojiro melted into him, into his touch, against his chest, listened to Kaoru's steady heartbeat and cried and cried and cried, while Kaoru started rubbing soft circles against his back.
And that was wrong, Kojiro thought, he should be the one supporting Kaoru, he should be the one muttering soothing words and holding him tight, but his tears drowned out these thoughts because he had almost lost Kaoru, right here and that was too horrible to bear thinking about and too terrible to ignore, and it was his fault because somehow he had failed to show Kaoru just how much he meant to him, and Kaoru thought he'd like to see him die, and Kojiro cried.
"I'm here." Kaoru's hands were soft as they held him and so was his voice. Kojiro clung to those hands, to that voice. It was all that kept him from falling now.
Those hands and that voice and those words: "I'm here."