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Adam Fucking Dies

Summary:

Exactly what the title says

Notes:

Please don't take this seriously this is a crackfic

Work Text:

"Joe, you don't have to do this for me," Cherry pleaded gently as he held Joe back from entering, his pink hair fluttering dramatically in the wind.

 

"No," Joe protested, flexing his massive pecs honkerly, his gigantic arm and back muscles rippling along with them. "I can't let him get away with what he did to you unpunished. Besides, he's a politician. Who's gonna miss him?" 

 

"Yeah, good point. Just be careful babe." They leaned in for a quick kiss, which turned into a longer one, almost going even further until Miya awkwardly cleared his throat.

 

"Whoops, sorry," said Joe. "Did you bring your lockpick, Miya?" He flashed a set of thin, pointed needles, grinning catboyly. 

 

"Whoa, hold up! Where did you even get those?!" Shadow yelled in shock.

 

"Secret," Miya dismissed him. "Did you bring the explosives?" 

 

"That's my specialty, babyyyyyyy!" Shadow pulled a cube-shaped bomb out of his leather jacket. "Just say the word and I'll blow this mansion SKY HIGH!" 

 

"Yeah, but keep your voice down!" Cherry uttered through gritted teeth. 

 

"Wait, what are we doing?" Reki pointed to himself and Langa.

 

"You guys stand watch outside," ordered Joe, flexing his ginormous arms in preparation. "I'll make this quick." 

 

"Be careful, eh?" said Langa canadianly, brandishing a hockey stick menacingly. "Reki and I have the oatside covered, don't we there bud?" 

 

"Sure do!" Reki grinned as they did their signature dap. "Let's do this!" 

 

Miya donned his cat hoodie and nimbly went to work on the front door of the mansion. After about a minute of fiddling around with the many keyholes, a small click was heard. 

 

"My job here is done," Miya whispered. "Now I gotta get back home before bedtime." 

 

"Good job, Miya! We'll see you tomorrow!" Miya raised his arm in acknowledgement as he took off into the night on his board. 

 

The door now wide open, Cherry and Joe proceeded inside, and Shadow slunk around to the rear of the estate to find a good place to set the bomb. Joe's thicc thighs thundered with each step he took.

 

"Not so loud, you big ape!" Cherry whispered urgently. 

 

"Whatever, you wanna fuck me so bad," said Joe smugly, knowing he was right. "Just make yourself useful and go to the kitchen."

 

"I beg your pardon?!" 

 

"My cooking skills are too good for that job. Now go be a good little malewife and get everyone else out of the mansion." 

 

"Whatever, you're the malewife." Cherry grumbled as he set off for the malewife room, watching with lust in his eyes as Joe boobed breastily up the stairs to Adam's private chambers. Joe crouched outside Adam's door, his thighs threatening to burst out of his pants, waiting for the signal. Sure enough, there was the roar of a small kitchen fire, followed by the blare of an alarm. In an instant, all the servants began clamoring, exiting their rooms and fleeing outside in a panic. Soon after, Adam followed suit. Joe had half-expected Tadashi to be there with him, but apparently Adam was still a loser pedo virgin who thought he was too good for therapy. 

 

"What the devil?" Adam proclaimed wealthily. 

 

"DIE, YOU HISOKA KINNIE!" Joe leapt out of the shadows and put Adam in a headlock with his COLOSSAL biceps. He still didn't quite know what a kinnie was even after Miya went over it so many times, but he was sure he got it right. Adam looked up at Joe in fear as he began to suffocate, his vision blurring. Miraculously, however, he was able to break free, furiously gasping for air and bounding his way down the stairs.

 

"NO! I'M TOO RICH AND CORRUPT FOR THIS!" He sobbed. Cherry had already escorted Adam's servants outside, making sure they were a safe distance from the growing flames. Joe chased Adam as fast as his big, strong calves would take him, eventually leading him outside, where Langa was waiting, hockey stick in hand. Wasting no time at all, he swung full force at Adam's face, while Reki blasted O Canada on his phone.

 

"OWWWWWW!" Adam screamed in agony as he writhed around on his front porch. 

 

"Aboot time you learned not to take skateboarding so serious, eh?" Langa's voice was dripping with venom akin to a maple tree dripping syrup. 

 

"Yeah, like what the fuck! You're treating it like it's some death game or some shit," Reki added, as he and Langa held hands and kicked Adam simultaneously in the face. "Also you're really weird about my boyfriend. And it's like, just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY." 

 

"It's alright boys, I got it from here." Joe, with all the strength he could muster in his muscular arms, pulled Adam up by his ugly politician hair to reveal that his face was bloodied from the beating he received. 

 

"Any last words?" He said sexily as he continued choking him. "Didn't think so. That's what you get for hurting my Cherry." Adam continued choking as he furiously flailed his arms in all directions, the color draining from his face.

 

"SHE'S GONNA BLOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!" Shadow screamed as he came around to the front side of the mansion. "EVERYBODY RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!" 

 

"Goodbye, Adam," taunted Cherry as he leaned down to his eye level. Everyone who could ride whipped out their skateboards and fled the ensuing explosion, while those who couldn't followed behind. Just as they passed over the threshold of the front gate, BOOM! The estate was reduced to a pile of rubble. Cherry and Joe momentarily stopped to make out in front of the flaming ruins, their tongues exploring the inside of each other's cheeks as they relished in their victory. The others couldn't bear to watch and continued fleeing down the street, cheering and celebrating Adam's death. 

 

~~~

 

The next morning, skateboarding was declared the national sport of Japan. Joe went to trial for murder, but won by flexing his massive tits at the judge. He was determined "too sexy to face charges". He and Cherry fucked to celebrate. And everyone lived happily ever after.

 

The End