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Amanda gave Sonny half a glance as he sat down on the bar stool next to her.
“Hey,” he said, sounding less than thrilled.
Amanda nodded and took a long drink of her whiskey.
“How many of those have you had?” Sonny asked, tone slightly concerned.
“Don’t even,” Amanda sighed, her hand running through her messy bangs but not making it any further. Head in her hand, she closed her eyes. “You know me better than to fucking ask that.”
“Sorry,” Sonny said softly but genuinely, thinking back to a previous conversation about how hard Amanda has worked to recognize her limits and act accordingly. He looked to the bartender and asked for one too. “If you can’t beat, ‘em, join ‘em,” he said through his thick accent.
The pair sat in silence until he got his drink and took a sip, letting out a tortured cough. “This is disgusting.”
Amanda opened her eyes and glanced at him, her eyes holding less of an edge than before. “You hate whiskey, you dumbass.”
“Yeah, well, I figured you’re sitting here feeling lousy, so I might as well too. It’s only fair, right?” Amanda just gave a half-hearted smile. “Aren’t you glad we got vaccinated so that we could do this again? Sit here drinking shit and feeling like shit?”
Amanda chuckled and looked over at him with a sarcastic kind of smile on her face. “Seriously, you don’t need to do this. I’m gonna be miserable either way. You have the choice to feel good tomorrow morning for another bright and shiny day of casework not surrounded by a bunch of asshole cops. Never thought I’d be jealous of your office.”
“That bad today, huh?”
“Were my texts not clear enough?” Amanda replied, with a hint of a smirk on her face.
“No, they were,” Sonny smirked back. “My phone buzzed at least 10 times during a meeting because you were complaining every time he got too close to Olivia.”
Her cheeks darkened a shade. “Sorry,” she admitted. “And I’m sorry I’ve been pissy towards you. You don’t deserve it, obviously. And you’re the only one keeping me sane.”
“All good,” Sonny said nonchalantly. “You’ve been there for me through similar shit. Kind of ironic, if you think about it.” Amanda raised her eyebrows in agreement but offered little more.
“How did Fin react to everything?”
“Eh,” Amanda sighed. “I know he didn’t always like him, but you know Fin. He puts stuff like that behind him.”
“Mm,” Sonny hummed. “Thinks he was an ass but he’s still in the blue family?”
“Basically,” Amanda sighed. “I love Fin, but that’s bullshit reasoning. Not all cops deserve that respect.”
“You know I won’t disagree with you on that,” Sonny replied.
“I mean, how could Olivia support someone like that?” Amanda asked bitterly. “She’s said herself he has anger issues, was real rough with perps. Didn’t play by the rules.”
Sonny sighed, contemplating his next words. “Yeah, but you know Olivia isn’t always perfect either, right?” Sonny turned to look at her. “You know how much I respect her. But I’m not wrong, am I?”
Amanda didn’t need much time to consider. “I guess.”
“The stories you told me about when you first got to the unit? She sounded like she could make any tough guy cry.”
“Fuckin hot,” Amanda chuckled under her breath.
“Oh, I see,” Sonny countered. “It’s hot when she does it, but it’s worth 15 texts when he does it?”
“Liv doesn’t throw perps from chairs and get them bloody. There’s a big difference between that and saying something a little tough.”
“Yeah.”
“And he’s so possessive over her,” she muttered. “It’s gross.”
Sonny’s eyes flicked to hers. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Amanda said, tone sounding like she was ready to gossip. “Fin told me that he told him about Noah, and the first thing he asked about was the dad.”
Sonny scoffed. “Okay.”
“Right? Like first of all, don’t assume shit. Olivia was thinking about adopting already back when they were partners, she told me. You think she never mentioned that to him? And second of all, why does he think that he has the fucking right..”
“Right,” Sonny agreed. “Like she was gonna wait for him or something.”
Amanda suddenly took a shaky deep breath, eyes averted.
“What?”
“Maybe she was waiting for him.” She met his gaze. There was a long silence. “I was just fooling myself, right?”
Sonny’s brow furrowed. “I mean, after last week?”
Amanda thought back to the last time she was at Olivia’s apartment. The two had settled the kids into their sleeping bags for a sleepover in Noah’s room, and Amanda felt light with the realization that they were safe. The kids, all in one room, with two cops outside the door. And someone to watch her back, to be there for her. To protect her. And someone she, in turn, desperately wanted to protect. It wasn’t often nowadays when Amanda felt like she could genuinely relax, without the worries lingering in the back of her mind. But she felt like they were all gone, even before Olivia poured them both a glass of wine.
Once they got settled in with their glasses of wine, it wasn’t long before they ended up close on the couch, their knees touching and Amanda’s heart aching. All of a sudden, Amanda felt Olivia lean her head on her shoulder, softly first, and then the rest of her weight. Amanda hesitated. She felt a sudden longing to play with her hair, but she wasn’t sure. Olivia’s movement wafted her perfume towards Amanda, which was a strong argument in and of itself, but at the same time, she didn’t want to make this moment into more than it was. She had only had one glass of wine and Olivia had only had one and a half, and Amanda wasn’t sure what that meant.
After a few quiet moments, slowly, Amanda turned her head towards Olivia, so that the side of her face was resting on Olivia’s head. She prepared herself for Olivia to sit back up and move away. When she didn’t, she lifted a nervous hand and held back a sigh at the feeling of soft strands slipping through her fingers.
Olivia didn’t seem to mind, and she eventually started their casual conversation back up just as casually. While they meandered through topics, Amanda couldn't help but wonder when she was last in a situation that felt so intimate.
She felt so drawn to Olivia, and her heart was beating fast, even though the logical part of her mind was trying to not let her jump ahead.
Olivia hummed contentedly, and despite herself, Amanda thought about how she wanted to make Olivia feel content, or more than content, all the time.
“Hm?” Amanda questioned, because she wanted to know what Olivia was thinking.
Olivia was quiet a moment before saying, voice low, “This feels really nice.”
Amanda gave a soft “Yeah,” in return, the smile audible in her voice, and the two sat there in silence for a bit.
Then, Olivia sat up from her shoulder, and they turned to look at each other.
Amanda thought about how easy it would be to lean in, but she knew she would never risk something like this for something like that. But if Olivia did it, well, that would be a different story. She would certainly go along with that.
So Amanda settled for just looking into Olivia’s brown eyes. And like they were on the same page, Olivia quietly murmured, “I always thought your eyes were just blue. They have some green in them.”
Amanda smiled in response, right before she saw Olivia’s gaze fall to her smile. She felt her heart skip a beat, but like a cliché in a movie, the door opened from the kids’ room.
Billie, sobbing inconsolably, walked out after having a scary dream. Even after lots of tears and some of the cutest hushed whispers from Olivia, which nearly made Amanda melt, Billie was still upset. Eventually, Amanda decided the three of them had to head home, because she didn’t know how else to make it better.
Amanda felt beyond disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to see what the rest of the night could have brought, and she knew she would miss their proximity as soon as she got home. Olivia, for her part, was already itching to get close again, and she motioned for a hug right as Amanda was about to leave the apartment. Amanda, hands full, ended up giving an incredibly awkward hug. She felt Olivia’s hand on her hair for just a second, making her wonder if maybe the hug was meant to be more drawn out, but Billie tugged on her shirt, causing her to look down and Olivia to pull back. Both women’s eyes seemed to be apologizing as Amanda walked out the door.
Now, in the bar, Amanda was wondering if maybe Olivia was just tipsy, or if maybe Amanda just wasn’t used to having female friends.
“I was standing right next to her today. I saw how she looked at him,” Amanda said instead.
“Well, you never know. They have history, but she also might be pissed at him. You never know what she’ll do.”
“I think I do know, unfortunately,” Amanda said, feeling sorry for herself.
“I’m really sorry, Amanda,” Sonny said, wishing he could prevent the pain Amanda was in, because he knew the feeling.
“Don’t be,” Amanda said with a shrug, feigning nonchalance and looking down at her drink. “It’ll be fine.”
“I know you’ll be okay,” Sonny said, “but I also know that it hurts.” Amanda looked at him. “I really do understand.”
“At least if she and Barba ended up together, we could have known that they both had someone good for them. I can’t say the same about this,” Amanda said, promptly regretting it after seeing Sonny’s expression. “Not to say you wouldn’t have been good for Rafael. I always thought you would be, Sonny.”
“No, it’s okay,” Sonny waved off her apology. “It’s true.”
“No, seriously, that didn’t come out right,” Amanda said, brow furrowed.
“It’s okay,” he replied. “Rafael was always in love with her. We both know it.”
Amanda, somehow looking even sadder, put a hand on his bicep and squeezed. “Kinda fucked that she has the ability to break both of our hearts, huh?”
Sonny’s eyes widened, confusing Amanda. That hadn’t been any kind of news to Sonny, right?
“She’s coming over here,” he said, tone urgent.
“What?” Amanda said, hand flying out to her water glass to get a gulp.
“I’m gonna leave so you can talk to her.” Amanda’s brow furrowed again. She wasn’t ready to explain her shitty mood to the topic of the conversation herself. “It’ll be fine. Okay?”
“Hi guys,” Olivia said, a brief touch to both of their shoulders. She looked down at their glasses. “Today hitting you guys hard too?” Her voice sounded tired.
“Yeah, in fact, I was about to head out to get some shut eye. I have an early meeting tomorrow.”
“Alright,” Olivia smiled. “I’ll take your seat then, if that’s alright?” she directed towards Amanda.
“Of course,” Amanda said quietly.
Once Sonny walked away, Olivia and Amanda shared a quiet look.
“I have to admit, I’m surprised to see you here.”
“What do you mean?” Olivia asked, and Amanda held back her scoff.
“I thought maybe you’d be with Elliot.”
“Oh, we pretty much maxed out the time we could be together today. I think we both needed a break.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Amanda frowned slightly.
“Don’t be. I mean, I’m not sure what else he expected.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Olivia shrugged. “Nah.”
“Well, it seems like he hurt you, so I just want you to know I’m here for you whenever you need.”
“I appreciate that, Amanda. I always appreciate that.” Olivia said, and Amanda smiled.
“The whole thing has made really think, you know?” Olivia started, tone serious. “I was walking over here, thinking about the people who are important to me. You know, Noah, the squad, Rafael. And I was thinking that the reason you guys mean absolutely everything to me is because you’re always there for me. And I think of you guys as family, you know, and I think it’s mutual.”
“Yeah,” Amanda smiled, tone mellow.
“Elliot.. hasn’t been.” Olivia took a deep breath. “And even when we were partners.. it wasn’t always healthy. The way I was always there for him, the way I relied on him. And honestly, maybe normally, I would go back to.. whatever that was. It’d be easy. I would take the familiar option. You know, do what everyone expects of me. But I was just thinking that maybe it wasn’t what I always thought it was.”
“What did you think it was?”
“I thought it was the best partnership I’d ever had. I thought it was really unique. But with our current squad, I feel even safer, even more secure.”
“Yeah,” Amanda said again, listening.
“And you and me, I’m really glad we’ve gotten close over the last few years,” Olivia continued. “You’ve been there for me, even when I probably wouldn’t have let anyone else be. It’s.. a really, really good feeling to know that it’s mutual.” She paused. “That.. the feelings are mutual.”
Amanda’s eyes narrowed slightly, and it was like nothing around them existed anymore. It was her, Olivia, and Olivia’s words lingering in the air.
It was silent for a moment that felt like forever, then Amanda realized she should speak and slowed her brain down enough to do it.
“Trust me, Liv,” Amanda met her gaze, “The feelings are deeply, genuinely, foolishly mutual.”
Olivia stood up and moved closer, putting her hands on Amanda’s cheeks and searching her eyes before leaning in. The kiss was soft but so incredibly reverent, and Amanda wanted more. So she kissed Olivia a few more times. It wasn’t deep or heavy, but still, Olivia pulled back panting.
“I can’t believe I just did that.”
“I’m really happy you did,” Amanda said, smile huge.
“I wanted to do that last week. God, I thought about it so many times.”
“Me too,” Amanda said in a whisper.
Olivia rested a hand in Amanda’s hair and leaned her forehead against hers. There was another long silence, then Olivia giggled.
“What?”
“I promise I’m not trying to set up the whole squad, but is Carisi single? Rafael wanted me to ask, and I told him I certainly wouldn’t be doing that until I knew for sure him and you weren’t..”
“We’re definitely not,” Amanda laughed aloud. “But he is. And he will be very happy to hear that Barba was asking. Maybe a little too happy?”
“Don’t worry, Rafa is all in,” Olivia said, understanding. “In fact, it’ll be nice to not hear about it for once.”
Amanda smiled, feeling like weight had been lifted from her shoulders ten times over. She leaned in to give Olivia a quick peck, and the two shared another long silence, Olivia looking nervous and giddy, Amanda looking entirely adoring.
“What are you thinking about now?”
Olivia chuckled. “I don’t think I can tell you.”
Amanda looked at her, her eyes showing her confusion, amusement and slight concern. “Why?”
“It’ll sound too desperate.”
Amanda raised a hand to Olivia’s cheek. “Tell me.”
Olivia closed her eyes and took a breath before meeting Amanda’s gaze again. “My life has been so much better with you by my side. And I don’t want that to change.”
“Liv,” Amanda said, that one syllable alone threatening to communicate words they weren’t yet ready for, “I can promise you, without a doubt in my mind, that I’m not going anywhere.”
They kissed again. “Except maybe somewhere more private where I can kiss you and not have to stop,” Amanda said, eyebrows raised playfully. Olivia laughed, a sound that Amanda decided she could easily listen to forever.