Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Run little rabbit. Run!” David called, then Ellie heard him curse. She ducked behind a booth, her footfalls thumping loudly against wooden floors. She was being too loud, but she couldn’t help it when every bone in her body screamed danger, ached to get away. Tiny pieces. Those words arranged and rearranged themselves in her mind. Ellie had a strong stomach, she ought to after all this time on the road, but never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that there were people out there who would want to hack her to bits and eat her like she was some sort of fucking deer. The word hunter suggested it, but Joel had been a hunter; he said so himself. Did that mean he used to do this kind of fucked up shit too? The thought made her insides churn. 

Ellie's nails pierced the flesh of her palms, but she couldn’t bring herself to loosen the death grip on her switchblade as she skirted behind the bar and threw herself toward a set of stairs. David kept cursing. There was a whooshing noise, and some stomping. It sounded like he was trying to get the fire under control. She sucked in one shaky breath and then another, bracing her free hand over her mouth to quiet the sound of her breathing as she snuck up behind him.

Heart thundering in her chest, Ellie braced herself for the impact, crouching, then springing forward, driving her knife as hard as she could into his shoulder. The stringy flesh gave way under the blade, and David let out a roar, arching back into her, her lower back making contact with the metal counter top. There was a bruising pain in her tailbone, then terror again as he grabbed a fistful of her ponytail and jolted her forward, sending her flying over his shoulder. 

Ellie landed beside him with a thud, her head and neck throbbing, dizzy exhaustion blurring her vision. All she could hear was the sound of her own breathing. Rolling onto her stomach, she spotted David’s machete under a booth. Mentally preparing herself for pain, Ellie lurched forward on her elbows, military style like they used to in the QZ. She brought herself into a crawl, picking up speed. 

Ellie was so focused on her goal, she didn’t notice David wasn’t laying on the ground anymore. 

“Ah!” she cried as a sharp, targeted kick to her ribs sucked all the air from her lungs, the force lifting her, then smacking her back down onto the wood. 

“I knew you had heart,” David said breathlessly, standing over her her. “Y’know it’s ok to give up. Ain’t no shame in it.”

Ellie kept her head down, inching forward on her elbows. 

“I guess not. Just not your style, is it?” he chuckled.

Another blow to her stomach threw Ellie to one side, leaving her gasping. David knelt down, large hands closing over her arms as he wrestled her onto her stomach, legs straddling her from behind. “You can try beggin’,” he growled, his hands in her hair. 

“Fuck you!” Ellie spat.

He rolled her over again, stubble scratching against her cheeks, cracked lips dipping just below her ear. “Don’t tempt me,” he whispered, and the blood in Ellie’s veins ran cold as he ground his pelvis over hers, rocking against her crotch. Something hard pressed into her thigh. She didn’t allow herself the chance to register what it was before he spoke again. “You think you know me?” His hands move around her throat, and Ellie’s eyes bulged.

“Let me tell you somethin’. You have no idea what I’m capable of.” He thrust himself against her again as if to prove the point. Ellie squeezed her eyes shut, seeing stars, praying for someone, God, her mother, Joel, anyone to get her out of this.  

He was choking her, really choking her and she didn’t know what to do. Consciousness blurred, her eyes rolling into the back of her head. She was about to pass out— and then all of a sudden David’s weight lifted, went flying was a more accurate description as his body was flung to the left. 

“Ellie!” someone cried. No— not someone—Joel. It was Joel. He came to save her. She blinked, momentarily disoriented. He was supposed to be hurt. 

Ellie scrambled back on her elbows, screaming as Joel rolled on top of David, his fist coming down over the other man’s face in a series of stuttering punches. There was already so much noise in her head that Ellie barely had time to warn her protector that he wasn’t the only new arrival. “Joel! Watch out!” she shrieked, but it was too late.
James ran in from the side, raising the butt of his gun and bringing it down hard against Joel’s temple. His jaw slackened, body tossed to the ground as the rest of the hunters piled into the chalet.

“No!” Ellie cried, “No—no—no—no—Joel get up! Please Joel, Please!”

James approached Ellie, and she knew what was about to happen before it did. He raised the gun to her head and brought it down with a loud thud. Ellie’s world went black.

They were still in the chalet when she woke up, head pounding. The ceiling lights stung her eyes as they adjusted to the glare. Right away she began to struggle, and a set of hands grabbed her by the wrists, pinning them to the floor above her head. “Fucking let me go! Let me go!” she screeched, kicking her legs, trying to roll herself over. Her foot made contact with somebody’s calf, and there was a grunt.

David stood over her again and Ellie’s heart stopped. His face was swollen, nose bleeding. He was looking right through her. “Kick me again, and your old man’s dead,” he spat.

“Get the fuck away from her! Don’t fuckin’ touch her!” Joel growled.

Ellie swiveled around, spotting him a few feet away on the floor by one of the booths. He looked like a wild animal caught in a trap, struggling and thrashing against a set of handcuffs that held his arms suspended above his head, chained to the wooden structure. James stood next to him, cocking the gun close to his head.

“Joel!” Her voice cracked.

“Ellie— Don’ be scared. You jus’ keep your eyes on me, ok?”

“Isn’t that sweet?” David purred. “Ellie and daddy together again. How should we celebrate?”

She was panting, her chest rising and falling harshly with every breath. Emotion flickered in Joel’s eyes as he took in the scene, and Ellie saw something there that she wasn’t used to. She couldn’t be sure, but it looked like fear. The man holding her arms down tightened his grip as David got onto his knees beside her. He put a hand on her covered stomach and slid it up between her ribs, unzipping her sweater, pushing it open.

“W— what are you doing?” she stuttered. There was a resounding chuckle from the group, and Ellie’s cheeks burned, her eyes stinging. “Joel?”

“Eyes on me baby girl,” he croaked, his voice barely above a whisper. Baby girl. This must be really bad because Joel had never called her that before. 

David’s hand drifted higher until all of a sudden he was kneading her breast through her tee, and then everything happened really fast. Ellie let out a whimper, and Joel lost his mind, something snapping inside him. He rocked back and forth, trying to gain momentum, “Don’t touch her! Don’t fuckin’ touch her— I swear to god I’ll kill you—I’ll strangle you with my bare hands!”

The gun clicked next to Joel’s face, and David held up a hand. “Let him. It’s more fun this way.” He smirked.

David’s hand slipped under the hem of her shirt and then up—up—up until he got to the bottom of her training bra. Then he put his hand inside that too. He cupped her bare breast, his palm bigger than the small mound of flesh, and pinched her nipple beneath her clothes. “Ouch! Ow— Stop— Don’t fucking touch me!” she squirmed, trying to roll away.

“Hold still kiddo,” he said, then he pulled his hand out and pushed her shirt and bra up all the way, exposing her small naked breasts to the room full of men. Joel let out an angry roar, but Ellie could barely hear it over the japes and jeers from David’s friends. She was so fucking scared. She wanted to do something, to drive her knife into David's chest, or knee him in the balls, but she couldn't move. Her whole body hot with fear and shame. She didn’t want him to see her like this, or his friends, and especially not Joel. Joel. He was making so many threats that Ellie couldn’t distinguish one from the other, but he was just as stuck as she was with his hands secured and a gun in his face.

“I’ll bet she tastes like heaven,” David said, straddling her like before, leaning down to sniff her neck. His tongue laved over her nipples, and Ellie couldn’t stop herself from letting out a gut wrenching sob. The sensation was so overwhelming, like it was supposed to feel good but instead, it descended as hollow emptiness into her belly. “Stop—Stop—Stop! Joel—” She arched away from the hunter, searching for Joel.

When she met his gaze, there were tears streaming down his cheeks, the gun tucked under his chin dangerously. He never cried. He never cried but he was crying now. “I’m here Ellie. I’m right here.” He tried to soothe, but his voice was rough. 

David’s hands tucked down to the chaffing waist band of her jeans and then lower, thumbing the button. “What do you think boys? Does the carpet match the drapes? Do you know, daddy?” He turned around and made eye contact with Joel, who let out another unintelligible string of threats.

“I take it that’s a no,” David laughed. “That’s ok. We’ll figure it out, won’t we El?”

Ellie didn’t know what he meant.

The hunter didn’t waste time. He unbuttoned her jeans and hooked his fingers in the sides, callused knuckles running over her bare hips as he yanked her pants and underwear down at the same time, pooling them just below her knees.

Ellie tried to pull her hands free to cover her chest. Everyone was looking at her. There were so many people looking at her, but the other man leaned his weight into her wrists, causing her to cry out at the same time that David cackled with laughter. “So, she is a natural redhead!”

“Fuck you! Get your fucking hands off me! Fuck you! I’ll kill you!” Ellie cried over and over again, her fight instincts kicking in full force. She slammed her body back and forth, searching for some give, a weak spot, a momentary slip, but David was too strong, too careful. He braced his hands on her thighs and pushed them apart, baring her naked sex to the room, then he spat in his hand and dropped it down, rubbing his wet, slimy fingers through the folds between her legs.

“Stop! Please stop—stop—stop! Joel please— Joel—” she pleaded. There was a part of her that knew it was no use, that Joel couldn’t move. He couldn’t help her, and her screaming for him was only making things worse, but she was too afraid. Her brain wasn’t thinking rationally anymore, not while everyone was looking at her.

“Don’t do this!” Joel cried hoarsely. “Please, she’s just a kid! Kill me— Kill me if thas’ what you want, but don’t do this!”

David snorted, leaning his head back with a smile. “Is that what you want Ellie?” he asked, dragging his wet fingers across her belly. “Your daddy’s life in exchange for me stoppin’? I’ll do it. I’ll let you go.”

“No!” she moaned, snot dripping out of her nose, mixing with her tears. “Don’t touch him! Don’t fucking touch him!”

“There you go, daddy. You tried, I respect that, but Ellie don’ want me to stop.” He unbuckled his own jeans and slid them down his hips. Ellie didn’t want to look, but she didn’t know where to look instead. There were too many faces, too many eyes on her. 

“Ellie—” Joel addressed her again. “Ellie, look at me.”

“Joel—” 

There was a blunt pressure between her legs, pushing, grunting, fingers gripping her thighs too tight until finally he stabbed into her, ramming himself inside her body with one heavy, sharp thrust. Ellie screamed, her legs going numb, the pain radiating up into her belly. “Ow—Ow—Ow—Stop—Stop!” she cried, “Please, you're hurting me!” She was still trying to roll away, but there was no give as David held her legs apart, rocking back and forth in time with her sobs.

He let out a low, agonized groan. “Jesus fucking Christ— Baby girl’s tight.”

Joel slammed his arms back against the wood, chains rattling, and his voice stretched into a new, higher octave. “I’ll fuckin’ kill you—You son of a bitch! You’re gonna fuckin’ die!”

The pain was so intense. All Ellie could do was cry, her wails echoing through the chalet as he slammed into her and then drew back, slammed in, and drew back. Sweat from David’s body clung to her chest and her belly, sticky as he flattened himself against her, moaning and grunting like an animal in heat. 

“Ellie—Listen to my voice,” Joel croaked, but it hurtsobad Ellie couldn’t do what he asked. Her eyes rolled back into her head.

“Nnhh—Ah—That’s a good girl— I’m almost there—”

Ellie stopped trying to fight. Her head turned to the right, eyes fixed on the spot over Joel’s shoulder. Her body jerked and jolted as David moved inside her and she let it. There was no point in fighting anymore. Ellie was done fighting. It felt like she was drowning, the sounds around her coming through as underwater nonsense.

His hips snapped forward again, again, again, and he came with a feral snarl, a stinging heat erupting in her belly. Ellie barely felt it. She didn’t feel anything until the pressure between her thighs lifted, leaving in its place a raw, empty, soreness. David stood up and buckled his jeans, still panting. “Who’s next? James? You wanna take a turn? Seein’ as you helped me take down the old man—”

Ellie’s legs were free now, she could’ve tried to kick, to get away, but she didn’t have the energy. Her jeans were still around her calves, tears leaking from her eyes, her sobs coming out as breathless gasps. She tried to fold her legs closed, to turn her body away, forcing herself to ignore the fact that Joel would be looking at her bum, but somebody stopped her. James took David’s place above her and a curl of nausea and dread unfurled in her belly. Not again. Please not again.

Ellie squeezed her eyes shut, tuning out everything. David’s taunts, the laughter from the other men, and Joel’s spitting threats. She imagined a scenario where he managed to break free from the handcuffs and steal a gun. Now that James was on top of her, there was nobody watching over him and this was Joel. He must know how to break out of handcuffs. He would shoot them all. They’d be safe again. He’d make her safe again.

If she strained hard enough she could almost hear the jingle of keys. 

The second time didn’t hurt as much, but Ellie didn’t know if it was because it was wetter down there or because she was pretending so hard to be anywhere else. Somewhere between the second and the third, Ellie’s arms were freed, and she curled them into her chest like she’d wanted, covering her breasts.

“Aww— Don’t do that baby doll. I ain’t done lookin’.” This one sounded like Joel, but it wasn’t. She knew it wasn’t.

He pried her wrists away from her body and held them out to the sides, bending forward to lick and suck her nipples, his thrusts halting. Ellie let out another pitiful cry.
There was a loud bang. Someone shouted, and then Ellie heard the unmistakable gurgle of a slit throat. She squeezed her eyes shut tighter, sure that she must be imagining it. The grip on her wrists slackened a bit, and though there was still someone inside her, he wasn’t thrusting. 

Ellie heard screaming, men screaming, shouting, sputtering, Joel. He must’ve gotten out. Ellie couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes, scared that if she did, the illusion would end. This way, she could trick herself into believing that this was almost over. She counted. One—two—three—four— Her inner monologue was interrupted at ten, when the pressure between her legs lifted, and the weight on her belly disappeared. 

She opened her eyes to a ringing in her ears. The onlookers had turned into bodies, and Joel had David’s machete. He whirled around just as the man on top of her slid out from inside her body. He lunged forward and yanked the wide man the rest of the way, throwing him to the ground. “Son of a bitch—” Joel brought the machete down without an ounce of hesitation, slicing through his jugular. Ellie worried about his stitches. She didn’t want him to tear his stitches.

The man fell back, clawing at his throat, his member sticking straight up, parallel with his large gut. Ellie looked away quickly when she saw the blood, her blood, on the dead man’s penis. Joel followed her gaze and cringed, doubling down on his mission. 

She felt sick. The room spun around her, and Ellie tried to prop herself up on her elbows. She yanked her shirt and bra down to cover herself again and then reached down to pull up her pants and underwear. They slipped over her hips, hiding her nakedness, but when Ellie tried to button her jeans, her hands were shaking too hard to feed the metal piece through the hole. She tried again, again, again—but she couldn’t get them buttoned until a larger, steadier hand came to clasp over hers. “Don't touch me! Don't fucking touch me,” she hissed, squirming away.

“It’s me. It’s me. Hold still.” Joel crooned, kneeling down at her side, chest heaving. The machete clattering to the ground as he took the little metal button in his fingers, feeding it through the hole. “It’s ok now Ellie. They’re dead. You’re safe now.”

“J—Joel,” she stuttered.

He tilted her chin up to look at him. “I know baby girl—I know. Can you walk?”

“I— I think so.”

“Put your arms around my neck,” he said, slipping an arm under her shoulders. Ellie did as she was told, clinging onto him for dear life as he helped her to stand. As soon as she was upright, fluid gushed out of her, soaking into the crotch of her jeans and Ellie let out a soft, disgusted cry.

“What hurts?” 

“I’m all wet,” she choked. “My legs are all wet.”

“It’s just— It’s— Don’ worry about that right now,” he let out a heavy sigh, rubbing the furrow in his brows. “Here— I can pick you up. I’ll carry you back.”

“No— Joel your stitches. You can’t.”

“My stitches’ll be fine girl. C’mere.” He ducked down, an arm tucking behind her knees, and Ellie didn’t fight. She was safe. His arms were strong, the feeling of being held all consuming as she buried her face into his chest. Joel didn’t falter even though she knew he must be in pain.

By the time they made it back to the abandoned place she’d holed them up in, Ellie’s teeth chattered so hard it was all she could hear, her body vibrating from the mixture of cold and shock. Joel grunted as he set her down on the mattress, and then he sat with his head between his knees beside her. Neither said anything.

After a few seconds of tense silence, Joel looked up, his cheeks wet. “I shoulda been more careful. I saw him with his hands around your neck and I panicked. I didn’t clear the room.” Ellie blinked, pulling her knees up to her chest on the dirty mattress, arms tucking in to cover her belly. Joel blew out his breath, pushing a strand of hair out of her face. She wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, but no words came out.

He rocked back, rubbing his hands over his face. “What can I do, Ellie? Gimme a job. What can I do to help?”

“M—My legs are all wet—” she stuttered. “I can’t— I need—It feels gross—”

“Ok—” He dragged his knuckle gently down the side of her face. “Let’s get you a bath. I’ll figure something out. Jus’ wait here.” He stood up abruptly.

Ellie didn’t try to argue. She didn’t have the strength.

Chapter Text

As soon as Joel stepped outside knowing that Ellie was safe on the mattress downstairs, he collapsed to his knees in the snow. Lurching forward, he didn’t even try to stop the bile rising in his throat. He retched into the snow until there was nothing left, and then pushed himself up again on shaky legs. He had let this happen. Because of his stupid mistake, Ellie would never be the same. The dead look in her eyes, the cries for him to help her while he was chained like an animal four feet away. Those horrible moments where he thought every single one of those men was going to take a turn ruining that little girl.

She was fucking fourteen. Only two years older than Sarah. Equating the image of his daughter with what he’d just witnessed brought another insurmountable round of nausea, and Joel had to lean against the siding while he choked up stomach acid. Lightheaded in the aftermath was when Joel realized that Ellie was now his daughter too. Everything he still felt for Sarah, every ounce of love and devotion was now replicated in Ellie. Sarah had his whole heart, but now so did Ellie, like sisters, he realized. This must be what it’s like to have more than one child.

More than one child that he’d allowed the world to destroy. Sarah died in his arms, and now a piece of Ellie died on that chalet floor. Whimpering cries and squeals of pain blended together and echoed in his thoughts, and Joel had to physically shake himself out of it. He needed to focus on Ellie right now, needed to help her erase what could be erased. It was cruel to make her wait with evidence of what those vile men had done all over her body.

Joel located a large metal basin and got to work filling it with snow, then he lit a fire, using one of their Molotov’s to expedite the process. While he waited for the snow to melt, he raided the abandoned building, searching for something that Ellie could change into. All he could find was a much too large men’s sweatshirt, and a matching pair of sweatpants he knew she’d swim in, but it had to be good enough for now, at least until he could wash her clothes for her.

When the water was ready, Joel steeled himself, preparing to do whatever it took to make her feel safe as he carried the basin down the short flight of stairs. He half expected, or half hoped anyways that Ellie would be asleep, dreaming, blissfully unaware of what had just transpired, but when he caught sight of her, she was still staring at the exact same spot on the wall that she had been when he’d left. It was the same dead expression that was now forever burned into his brain. She hadn’t moved an inch.

Setting the basin down heavily, Joel got to his knees and put a hand on her arm. “Ellie, you wanna sit up for me?”

She blinked, and then gingerly leaned her weight onto his arm and used the other hand to push herself into an upright position. “Thatta girl,” he praised, and then Joel braced his hands on her shoulders to turn her around.

He looped his fingers through her ponytail and worked it out of her hair, combing his hands through the greasy auburn. She didn’t put up a fight, didn’t do anything at all to react. Joel wasn’t sure what to do next, the uneasy silence paralyzing as he wracked his brain for something to say. “I’ll jus’ be upstairs. You need anything, you holler, ok?”

For the first time since he’d pulled her out of the chalet, Ellie reacted to his words, her eyes flashing with fear. “N—No. Stay. Please stay—” she croaked. “Please— I can't. Please don’t go.” She was working herself into a panic, little hitching breaths and a shaky grasp on his jacket.

“Ellie—” Joel didn’t know what to say. He was at a loss for what to do. The last thing he wanted was to traumatize her more. Helping a teenage girl take a bath was not on the list of things he ever thought he’d be doing. It wasn’t right. He’d stopped bathing Sarah before she even turned ten. “Ellie— It ain’t appropriate,” he muttered, refusing to meet her eyes.

“Please. I can’t—You already saw—” she gasped. “Joel—”

He let out a deep-bellied sigh and nodded. Joel couldn’t say no to such a clear cry for help, not after he’d failed her so horribly in every other way. “Ok, kiddo.” He helped Ellie to her feet, her skinny legs trembling, and then peeled the sweater off her arms, leaving her in just a t-shirt. She leaned on him as he lifted the fabric over her head, and then the dirty, white cotton bra.

At first, Joel tried to focus his gaze over her shoulder, to preserve her modesty, but it wasn't long before his eyes were drawn to the blue and purple hickeys that marred her pale chest, and the smattering of dark bruising welts around her ribs. Ellie was so out of it she didn't seem to notice or care that he was looking. He put pressure on the skin below her left ribcage and her face twisted with pain. Joel prodded the bruising a bit more with gentle fingertips before he was satisfied that no bones were broken, then he turned his attention to an oblong bruise forming on her lower back.

Ellie complied as he unzipped her jeans, pliable, like a life sized doll, and as he stepped her out of her underwear, he realized with a stunning clarity how much this little girl trusted him.

“Easy now,” he drawled, nudging her toward the tub of lukewarm water. He winced when he noted the mixture of dried blood and semen stuck to her thighs. Ellie did what she was told, hissing as her sensitive bits made contact with the water. As soon as she was submerged, she brought her knees up to her chest and buried her face into the spot between them, curled, unmoving.

Joel fished a bar of soap and a cloth out of his backpack and lathered it up in the water behind her before gently bringing it to the smooth skin of her back. Bathing Ellie was by far the strangest, most intimate experience he’d ever had. On one hand, it brought him back to the days of no-more-tears shampoo, bathtub crayons, and bubble beards, but in those days it hadn’t been about trust so much as necessity. This was something else, borne of the same love, but with an undercurrent of care that Sarah had never needed, thank the Lord, but that he would’ve done for her all the same. He ran the cloth over Ellie’s back, her shoulders, her face and arms. Then he worked soapy fingers through her hair. She leaned into his touch, eyes closed.

When Joel hit the boundary between intimate and inappropriate, he handed the cloth to Ellie. She didn’t fight him this time, which was a relief. Her lack of resistance told him that she was still there. She still understood the difference between helping and making things worse. He turned away to allow her the privacy to clean herself, bracing his back against the basin. “Don’ use too much soap down there now. It’s better to use water, less chance of leavin’ you with an infection.” He didn’t know if anyone had ever told Ellie that before.

“Ok,” she whispered, and he heard a sharp intake of breath that left his chest aching.

“You ok?”

“Mhm,” Ellie squeaked even though they both knew it was a lie.

The little girl didn’t linger in her bath, and when she finished, Joel felt a small hand come to rest on his shoulder. He took that as his cue to hand her a towel. “Everything lookin’ normal?” he asked, clearing his throat uncomfortably.

“Think so. Just hurts,” she croaked as he helped swaddle her. He’d gotten over himself a bit by this point. Four or fourteen, Ellie was still a child and she needed him present, not preoccupied with modesty.

He pursed his lips and nodded. “I’ll wash your clothes tonight, but for now these’ll have to do.” Joel offered the set of clothes he’d found and she took them, sidling over to her backpack to change. He averted his eyes and pulled a few cans out of their storage for dinner so he wouldn’t have to see her face when he asked his next question. “You been gettin’ your monthlies, Ellie?”

Joel turned around in time to see her shake her head. “Not yet. Marlene says it comes later now than it used to, cos everyone’s starving.”

He breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. Thas’ good. Not the starving part—I don’ mean that—”

She blinked. “I know what you mean.”

“You know what I mean,” he sighed, taking a good, long look at her for the first time since the chalet. Ellie was swallowed whole by the sweatshirt and sweatpants he’d given her, small and worried, younger than normal somehow as she stared up at him. Joel could tell she was waiting for him to make the next move. Her face, which had been blank since they’d gotten back, flickered with uncertainty, or fear. He couldn’t tell for sure, but it seemed like she was looking to him for help to know how to react.

He took a few cautious steps forward, determined not to fuck this up. “Ellie—” He put a hand on her arm, bending at the knees to look in her eyes. “Kiddo, that was an awful thing, what just happened. One of the worst parts of humanity.” He tried to keep his voice from quavering as he held her gaze. “To do that to anyone is unforgivable— but to do that to a child is—What I’m tryin’ to say is—Whatever you’re feelin’ right now is ok.”

Ellie swallowed audibly, breaking their eye contact.

“Hey—” Joel turned her chin to face him. “Now I know I ain’t one for talkin’ but I reckon I can make an exception here.”

“What do I say?” Her bottom lip quivered, and that was just about all Joel could take.

“Oh, baby girl.” He pulled her to him in a tight embrace, curling around her small body, rubbing his hands up and down her back. Ellie’s arms wound around his torso as she clung to him. Still, she didn’t cry, she just held on, pressing her face hard into his chest.

Joel brought one hand up to rest in her wet hair, rocking them back and forth. “I’m sorry. Ellie, I’m so sorry I wasn’t more careful. I never shoulda let that happen."

She mumbled something into his shirt. “What’s that?” he coaxed, pulling back to look at her again.

“S’not your fault. You almost died.”

“Well, it ain’t your fault either. You hear me?”

Ellie didn’t respond, the foggy look in her eyes returning.

He cupped her cheeks in his hands. “Ellie— It ain’t your fault.”

“Ok.”

Joel sensed her loss of focus and squeezed her bony shoulder. “Why don’ you lay down for a bit? I’m gonna wash up too, an’ make sure this place is secure.”

“You won’t leave?” Her grip tightened on his arm.

“I won’ leave. I ain’t leavin’ you again.”

Ellie squeezed her eyes shut and nodded, before letting out her breath and clamoring onto the dirty mattress, her knees hiking up to her chest again in the same protective curl as before. Joel rubbed his neck, massaging the sore muscles there before changing into his other set of clothes and getting to work washing theirs in Ellie’s leftover bath water. He paid special attention to her jeans and underwear, determined to get any evidence of what had occurred out of the fabric by morning.

Deciding not to press the issue of supper with the girl, he scarfed down half a can of peaches and hung their clothes to dry, doing a quick sweep of the perimeter. He was just about to settle down for the night when Ellie cleared her throat. “Don’t forget your medicine,” she said from inside the black ball of fabric.

Joel tried not to let her see him cringe as he thought back to the price she had to pay to heal him, these long weeks of lugging him around and still ending where they’d ended up tonight. Still, he wasn’t going to argue with Ellie. If he was going to make sure nothing like this ever happened to her again, he’d have to be alive to do it.

When Joel laid down on the floor next to the mattress, Ellie let out a small noise of protest, reaching an arm in his direction. He stretched his hand to meet hers, interlocking their fingers, but that didn’t seem to be what she wanted either. The girl grabbed onto his hand and pulled with barely enough strength to move his arm, but he understood then what she was asking.

Joel didn’t have the energy to argue with her right now, and it would be nice to hold her, to make sure that nothing happened during the night, that she was still there. He smushed himself onto the mattress beside her and Ellie ducked as close to him as humanly possible, coming to rest in a spot that was almost under him. Joel sighed and pulled her closer. If this was what she needed, then this is what she’d get. It was the least he could do.

Chapter Text

All things considered Ellie slept pretty well that night. She woke up sporadically, but Joel’s weight by her side, almost crushing her, kept her grounded. Ellie was safe, and it was hard to be cold all wrapped up in these big clothes with a human furnace on her right.

Sleep was easier anyways. If she was asleep, then she didn’t have to think about the terrible thing that’d happened only hours before. She could pretend for a bit longer that it was normal for grumpy, stoic Joel to cuddle, and coddle, and hold onto her for dear life, or that the ache between her thighs was the result of too many hours spent on a horse. Her mind flashed painfully back to Callus and she blinked a few times to clear it. Not that horse. A different horse.

Ellie shuffled on the mattress, bunching her arms around her chest. Everything was ok. Everything was just fine. Joel woke up first the next morning, and by the time Ellie sat up on the mattress, he was preparing their breakfast. From her vantage point it looked like the rest of the canned peaches, and a half a can of chunky beef stew. Her stomach gurgled uneasily.

“Mornin’ kiddo,” Joel said, his tone soft and cautious.

She let out a breath, finding it hard to meet his eyes on account of the thing she wasn’t thinking about. “Morning.”

He took her share of the breakfast and placed it down in front of her, leaving no room for compromise. Ellie nodded. If she was going to pretend everything was normal, she’d have do normal things like eat even though the thought made her feel sick.

While she picked over her food, Joel made an attempt at conversation. “You sleep ok?”

Ellie’s shoulders bristled. “Fine.”

“Not too cold?”

She shook her head, choking down a bite of the lukewarm beef. “What time are we leaving?” she asked, focusing intently on her food.

“Ellie—”

“Joel,” she said back, hoping he’d get the hint.

He rubbed the furrow in his brows. “I think you’n’me need to have a talk about our plans from here on out— when you’re ready.”

“I’m ready. Let’s keep going.”

“Jesus girl, don’ make me say it.”

“There’s no reason not to go. Things happen and we move on, like you told me back in Pittsburgh.”

Joel dropped his head into his hand and he let out a long, drawn out sigh. Then he moved to sit next to her on the mattress, and Ellie fought the urge to scooch away. “Honey, when I said that, I wasn’ talkin’ about something like this. This ain’t somethin’ you can jus’ forget about. It don’ jus’ go away by not thinkin’ about it.”

“Why not?” she snapped. “Henry and Sam died. Dead is fucking forever Joel. How can this be worse than what happened to them? It’s not. I’m fine. We’re fine. You want to help me, then let’s get the hell out of this town.”

“I ain’t so sure anymore that this Firefly thing is gonna do any good anyways.”

“What do you mean? You’re better now. We can go to Salt Lake City, I mean— unless you’re trying to tell me that you’re done.” Ellie thought Joel was going to see this through with her to the end. Since the disaster that was Jackson, it seemed like he would anyways, and he’d told her last night again that he wasn’t leaving, but maybe he’d just meant last night. Her stomach clenched with fear. Joel bailing was the one thing she might not actually be able to survive right now.

“Ellie no. That ain’t what I’m sayin’. I’m tryin’ to give you an out here. We don’ have to do this. You know that, right?”

“What’s the other option?” she mumbled, trying not to let the relief that he wasn’t abandoning her show on her face.

“Go back to Tommy’s. Just, be done with this whole damn thing.”

A lump was beginning to form in Ellie’s throat. “How can you even say that?” she croaked. “After all we’ve been through to get here. You almost dying— and last night— and everything that I’ve done— It can’t be for nothing Joel.”

He looked down and nodded. “Alright, kiddo, but just know that I ain’t lettin’ anyone hurt you again, not even a little bit, so if this goes south, I’m gettin’ you out. You understand?”

“What do you mean goes south? They’re just gonna draw some blood, and needles sometimes hurt so if you’re that much of a wuss you should stand outside when that part happens—”

Joel lips turned up in the ghost of a smile and he shook his head. “Just answer the question.”

“Yes, I understand,” she said, taking one last painful bite of food before pushing the cans away.

“— And what I said las’ night still stands. If you wanna talk about what happened, or you think of somethin’ to help you feel better, don’ stay quiet about it, ok?”

“Thanks, but I’m fine,” she said, now so caught up in convincing him, that it almost felt true. Joel looked at her like he wanted to say something else, but then closed his mouth and handed her the pile of her clothes he’d washed. He left the room like he normally did so she could change under the guise of checking the perimeter, and Ellie got to work hauling on her underthings and tugging the stiff, still-a-bit-damp denim over her legs.

Everything was going fine until it came time to button her jeans. She’d gotten the zipper, but the metal button slipped out from between her fingers on the first try and Ellie’s breath caught. Just try again. Don’t be weird about it. Nothing’s wrong. But her fingers were shaking now and God, this was so stupid. You’re in the goddamn warehouse, not the floor of that stupid chalet. Fuck. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. She sucked in air and then blew it out again, picturing happy things, like the moment she’d realized Joel wasn’t going to leave her with Tommy, or playing around in the mall with Riley before she’d gotten bitten, and infected, and died, fuck. Fuck—fuck—fuck.

Ellie switched tactics, trying to remember how safe she felt when Joel held her last night, those soft baby girls that were now stitched forever into her heart, how gentle he was when he’d washed her hair, rubbed the dirt off her face, and wrapped her in that towel, because she’d just been fucking raped in front of him. Fuck. Do not fall apart right now.

“Ellie? Everythin’ alright?” Joel called down the stairs. She didn’t answer, breathing deeply, knowing full well that her lack of response would draw him down.

It took all Ellie’s control to keep her breaths even and her stinging eyes free of tears as he came down to meet her. She was stiff as a board, fists clenched by her sides and right away his gaze dropped to the open button on her pants.

“What’s wrong?” His forehead wrinkled with concern.

“I can’t get the button done up,” Ellie whispered, barely holding it together. She was so close to breaking that one wrong word from Joel would have her in hysterics. She knew it, and he knew it too because he approached her so gentle-like, one hand held out in front of him like he was afraid she’d spook.

He didn’t ask permission as he reached forward and hooked the metal through denim, but he didn’t need to. In the two seconds he’d been staring at her, an unspoken agreement had formed. Joel pulled her close again when she was snapped in and pressed his lips to the top of her head, warm breath tickling her hair. He was being so nice and Ellie wanted to fall into his arms and cry. She wanted to cry so bad, but she couldn’t. She was fine. They were fine. There was no reason to cry.

“Ready?” he asked, and Ellie swallowed the excess saliva in her mouth. “Yep. I’m ready.”

Ellie missed Callus again, both because she’d loved him, and because they moved faster when they were riding, especially since Joel was still injured. He couldn’t walk as fast as before, and by the time night fell, it felt like they’d barely made a dent in the trip. That night, Ellie helped Joel take his dose of penicillin, and he holed them up in the lobby of what used to be a bank.

She hadn’t even let Joel try to make a bed for himself in a different spot than hers. Instead, she’d waited for him to lay down, and then she slid in next to him, pressing her back up against his chest. Joel didn’t fight. He wrapped an arm around her, rubbing his thumb across her cheeks and forehead until she relaxed back into him and fell asleep.

Ellie’s eyes were screwed shut, but she knew where she was. Back in the chalet, her nose filling with the remnants of smoke. Someone held her legs open, while another set of hands pinned hers to the floor. There was noise around her, laughter, men laughing. The burning, stretching, brain-breaking sensation of being filled. She swiveled around, searching for Joel, but he wasn’t there, the handcuffs dangling loosely on their own. He must’ve escaped already. Joel would save her. He would get her out.

A sudden, sharp, shock of pain surged through her belly as the person inside her moved deeper, and Ellie’s head snapped back to look at him. Brooding, familiar, green eyes made contact with hers, and Ellie’s heart thudded to a halt as she realized that this wasn’t David, or James, or any of the hunters. The weight, the pain, the weird look in his eyes. It was Joel.

Ellie woke up to the taste of bile in her mouth. She fought her way out of the real Joel’s grasp and onto her knees where she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the floor of the lobby, the acidic taste burning in her nose and throat. A large hand fell between her shoulder blades as Ellie panted, catching her breath.

“Shh— It’s ok. You’re ok.”

“Don’t touch me!” Ellie recoiled, skirting backwards before she had a chance to process what she was saying. “Just don’t touch me.”

“Ok— I won’ touch you.” He shuffled back a few feet and held his hands up by his head in surrender, hurt flashing behind his eyes for the barest hint of a second before he composed himself.

She curled her knees up to her chest, pressing her face in between them. Just breathe. Don’t make a big deal. In and out; it’s not that hard. Ellie reminded herself over and over again that it wasn’t real. Joel didn’t want that from her. If he did, he would’ve done something about it by now. He’d had plenty of opportunity and he was so much stronger. He could do anything he wanted to her— but he won’t. She had to be firm with herself. He won’t—He won’t— He won’t.

“Ellie—” Joel started, but then he trailed off like he couldn’t think of what to say next.

“I’m fine,” she said, forcing herself to look at him.

He was on his knees a few feet in front of her, the concern heavy in his brow. “You obviously ain’t fine.”

She had to get over this. Ellie dropped her legs down, crossing them and steeling herself. “I had a bad dream and I got confused for a second. I’m fine now.”

“You wanna tell me about it?”

“Pretty sure you don’t wanna hear about this one,” she said, blowing out her breath.

Joel winced, rubbing the back of his neck. “What I want don’ matter.”

“Let’s just go back to sleep.”

He tried to ask if she wanted to sleep separately, seeing as how she didn’t want to be touched, but Ellie just shook her head and slipped in beside him again. She was fine. They were fine. But deep down she knew that wasn’t true. Otherwise he would’ve pet her face again like before instead of just laying there stiff, and she would’ve been able to go back to sleep instead of worrying that he was mad at her. She listened to his breathing for a long time, not thinking about the terrible thing that happened, or her dream, or anything at all really.

Chapter Text

Joel had a high tolerance for quiet, in fact, most days he preferred it. Ellie was usually the one talking a mile a minute. If it wasn’t a joke or comic book, it was questions, inane, silly kid questions. Had he ever met another person named Joel before? Did he think the people on the moon during the outbreak survived? Were women allowed to be presidents too? And his favorite by far—What’s football? At first her persistence with the questions annoyed him, but after all this time he was getting used to the chatter, he’d even started to enjoy it, not that he’d admit that to Ellie. That’s why her silence now disturbed him so much. She didn’t talk anymore, not more than she had to, and her step lost it’s skip.

Maybe it was the weeks she’d spent lugging him around, but he didn’t think so. Even in his dazed and delusional near-death state, all his memories were of her little stories. Something about a water gun fight, and a man called Winston. Joel couldn’t remember what she’d said about him, but he thought it might’ve had to do with horses.

That was when tough little Ellie turned snuggly. Though their relationship had evolved beyond smuggler and cargo long before winter, it had never been tactile until he got hurt and she would slide her skinny arms around his chest, whispering into the blanket, commanding him not to die. And now, after what happened in that godforsaken restaurant, she slept glued to his side like a toddler with an overgrown teddy bear.

The first night after they left the chalet town she woke up puking her guts out, and last night she didn’t puke, but she slept fitfully, mumbling and whimpering in a manner that was unlike her. Today, he was pretty sure there was something physically wrong with her.

Ellie fidgeted beside him and then let out a cross between a groan and a sigh. “I need to stop.”

“Again?”

“I’m sorry,” she moaned, her shoulders slumping.

“S’alright. Go on now.” He leaned against a nearby building to wait, crossing his arms as Ellie skirted behind it.

When she didn’t return after a couple minutes, Joel steeled himself and took a few steps in the direction he knew she’d gone. “Ellie?”

“I’m fine!”

That, he was learning, was code for fuck off. “Okie dokie,” he said, more to himself than to her, but he stayed close.

After another few minutes, he heard her let out a string of frustrated cursing. “Alright, Ellie— What’s goin’ on?” he called.

She didn’t respond, which meant that he was now allowed to go check on her. Ellie sat on a patch of frozen ground, pants haphazardly pulled up. Joel tried to run through scenarios in his head before asking. Maybe she’d gotten her period. He didn’t know if it was possible for what she’d been through to trigger that somehow. She was plenty old enough. Hell, Sarah had it for a few months already before she died and she was only twelve. Or maybe the girl was hurt and hadn’t realized. Either way, Joel could tell she was uncomfortable, and though he hadn’t called on this particular sector of knowledge in over twenty-years, he would do it for her, uncomfortable or not.

“Somethin’ wrong?” he asked, trying to keep his tone casual.

Ellie snorted humorlessly, and Joel crouched down to her level. “Ellie— kiddo— I know it’s a little awkward, but this ain’t my first rodeo. I had a daughter. Trust me when I say you ain’t gonna surprise me.”

“Sarah didn’t have a mom?” Ellie asked, refusing to meet his eyes.

Joel felt a familiar twinge in his chest hearing his daughter’s name spoken out loud, but shook his head. “No—Sarah’s mom wasn’t around long.”

“Oh.” More silence, and then Ellie sighed, looking at her knees. “I keep feeling like I have to pee, but then I can’t.”

“Like you can’t go at all?” He frowned.

Her cheeks reddened. “Well, I can a little bit, but it hurts—like sort of stings—”

Joel nodded, thinking back to a doctor’s visit when Sarah was a toddler where he’d been scolded for not teachin’ her to wipe proper. Then he let his mind wander further into the future, to Alice, Jill, and finally Tess, women he’d been with as an adult. What was it that Tess always said? Let me up, Texas. I’m not wasting good meds on a UTI.

“And everythin’ looks normal down there? No tearing? You’re not bleedin’? Maybe a rash?”

“Joel—” she squirmed.

“You don’ gotta be embarrassed.”

She shook her head. “No. None of that.”

“Might jus’ be a UTI then,” he said, shifting the weight off his sore knees.

“A what?” He let out a breath. Why would she know what that is Joel? He scolded himself. “A urinary tract infection. Lot’s of women get ‘em—girls too. I thought gettin’ you in a bath right away woulda helped, but I guess I shoulda had you go pee first—”

“Stop!” she said, pushing on his chest in protest. “I don’t wanna talk about this. Just stop.”

“I know Ellie,” he sighed, letting his head fall. “I get it. Trust me, I ain’t throwin’ it in your face for fun. But we’ve gotta be open ‘bout this sorta shit right now. I need to know if anything changes, if you’re havin’ troubles or somethin’ feels off.”

“I already told you what’s wrong.” Her hackles were raised, shoulders stiff and pressed firmly against the brick behind her.

“You did.” Silence descended over them again and Ellie started to bite the nails on the ends of her trembling fingers.

“So, how am I supposed to fix it?” She changed the topic, back to avoiding his gaze.

Joel reached into his pack and pulled out the half empty bottle of penicillin and the needle, briefly considering the fact that sharing needles might not be a good idea if the Cordyceps infection was in Ellie’s blood. He tucked the thought away quickly. It would be good to know in the long run anyways. Besides, Joel really didn’t think he would turn just from that. He wouldn’t mention it to Ellie and hopefully they wouldn’t have to worry about it again.

“I’m not wasting your medicine on this, Joel,” she grumbled.

“Well, I ain’t super keen on stoppin’ every ten minutes for a pee break, so let’s agree to disagree.”

She did what he asked in the end. Ellie always did what he asked, pushing her sweater down to expose a pale shoulder so he could stick her with the penicillin. They agreed to start with micro-doses, and even Joel had to admit that it would probably take less to cure a UTI than what he had going on under all his layers. When he finished, she fixed her sleeve, but made no move to get up off the ground.

“Do you need help with the button?” Joel asked finally.

“I’ve got it,” she snapped, doing up her jeans. There was another pause. “I’m sorry,” Ellie said, rubbing her knees. “I’m being such a bitch to you.”

His lips twitched into a frown and he twisted his body so that he was sitting next her instead of crouched in front, giving in to the idea of taking a proper sit-down break. Ellie seemed to need one, and was having trouble articulating it. Frost dug into the seat of his jeans, his backside quickly going numb. Joel stretched out his legs and patted his thighs. “C’mere kiddo.”

Ellie blinked, and then wearing the same blank expression as usual, she climbed into his lap, pressing her ear to his chest, small fingers holding onto his jacket. Joel wrapped an arm around her and leaned back further into the brick. “Did I ever tell you about the first time I killed someone?” he asked, knowing full well he hadn’t.

Ellie shook her head, and he cleared his throat. “It was infection day, the day the world went to shit, and I was hearin’ all this talk on the news ‘bout people gettin’ sick. Now, I had Sarah, so I couldn’t jus’ take off ‘an check it out, but I did go next door to make sure the neighbors were alright. Ah— Jimmy and Susan Cooper— They used to watch Sarah for me in a pinch.”

It was weird to talk about his daughter like normal, like he hadn’t kept his silence for twenty odd years. Even Tess, who’d been his partner for the better part of the past three years hadn’t known about the baby girl he’d swaddled, tucked into bed, and kissed goodnight for twelve short years. But with Ellie it was different, maybe it was the fact that holding her felt like holding Sarah, that he felt like a dad again, but whatever it was made talking about what he’d lost easier.

Ellie shifted in his lap, waiting for him to continue and Joel let out his breath. “Long story short, the Coopers were already infected when I found ‘em, and Jimmy followed me home, broke in through the sliding glass door. Sarah was awake by then. I think Tommy called and it woke her. Anyways— She was scared, and Jimmy came after us. I’d had the gun for years, but never needed it until that night, never even shot it. But I killed him, right in front of my kid.”

“Oh,” Ellie sighed softly. “Did you feel bad about it after?”

Joel grunted, disguising the twinge in his chest as a need to shift positions, tucking Ellie’s head under his chin. “I was a little distracted after that— Was also the night that Sarah—” He still couldn’t quite finish that sentence, but she understood anyways, nuzzling deeper into his embrace.

“Sorry.”

“S’alright kiddo.” They sat in companionable silence for another moment before Joel decided he’d better push just a little further if he wanted her to open up. “You know, I’ve killed a lot of people Ellie. I’ve seen a lot of people die ‘an I don’t always remember who they were, but the firs’ time I ever saw someone raped, that was different.”

Every muscle in Ellie’s body seized at the same time, her hand tightening in the fabric of his jacket. Her body, which had been shivery but pliable before was now frozen solid, like a block of ice in his lap. “Joel don’t—” The plea was stunted, like she couldn’t quite catch her breath.

“I know— I know—” He rubbed her back. “But jus’ listen. You don’t gotta say nothin’.” Dead weight in his arms, Ellie held still with bated breath, daring him to continue, or maybe praying that he wouldn’t. “I ain’t gonna tell you the details. Nobody needs to hear that, but it was a couple years after the outbreak. Tommy an’ I were workin’ up near Tennessee for a group of guys who weren’t exactly on the side of the righteous. They were big drinkers, and things got outta hand one night with a girl, Michelle. She wasn’ a kid, but she was young enough. Tommy an’ I left that night, but it was one of those things that jus’ don’ leave you no matter how long it’s been.”

When Ellie didn’t speak, he continued. “I said it before an’ I’ll say it again. Anything you’re feelin’ right now is ok. You wanna be a bitch, be a bitch, you wanna scream and cry, do that. You want me to hold an’ coddle you, I will, but you’ve gotta get those feelings out somehow, cos if just witnessing somethin’ like that almost two decades ago still bothers me, I can only imagine what it must be like inside your head right now.”

“What if I don’t feel anything?” she whispered, so low that Joel wondered if he imagined it.

“What’s that?”

Ellie straightened her legs and pushed away from him to stand up, gaze locked on the frozen ground. “Nothing. Let’s just go.”

“Baby girl—”

“I said let’s go, Joel.” He let out a sigh, bracing his weight on his hands and then brushing the dirt off his jeans. “You feelin’ up to it?” he asked, referring to her earlier discomfort.

“I’m fine,” Ellie growled back, turning away, deliberately starting off a few feet ahead of him.

Good job Joel. Fuckin’ great job.

Chapter Text

“Jesus fucking Christ, baby girl’s tight—” someone hissed in her ear, strong hands pinning her arms down, sharp pain between her legs, pushing, grunting, sweat clinging to her chest. “Baby girl—”

Ellie woke up screaming, her lungs releasing all the fear building in her system. A strong body pinned her to the grass for real this time in the form of a hand closing over her mouth. “Shh— Shh—Wake up Ellie—Wake up—” Blind panic squeezed inside her chest as she fought to get away, trying to push him off her, but before she had a chance to gather momentum, Joel tore the hand off her mouth and moved it to her hairline where he began to stroke her auburn ponytail. “I’m so sorry kiddo, but screamin’ like that’s gonna bring the runners.”

She looked up at the sky sucking in a series of deep breaths, small fingers clenching around Joel’s other hand, the one that wasn’t stroking her hair. “Joel?”

“I’m here.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, but it came out more like a whine. I’m sorry I’m so pathetic. She scooted closer, squeezing her eyes shut to block the tears as she wiggled into his embrace. He was leaning over her, her head in the crook of the elbow that propped him up, looking down. His eyes were filled with nothing but concern, and something else that Ellie didn’t recognize, but it looked a lot like how she imagined love. “You don’ gotta be sorry.”

This was Joel, the real Joel, not the dream Joel that her mind had been forcing on her since that horrible night in the chalet. He would never. But he could if he wanted. He was so much bigger, so much stronger. Shut up Ellie. Shut the fuck up. Who cares if he could, he won’t. But she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever wanted to. Even just for a second. She’d thought that people tended to stick to their own age groups for that kind of stuff, but what happened in the chalet was proof that that wasn’t always true. But Joel was such a dad and that’s the lens he saw her through. Ellie wasn’t naïve enough to believe that he loved her anything like how much he’d loved Sarah, but it was still the dad type of love, and she was pretty sure dads didn’t do that shit with their daughters. Not that you would even know…

“Ellie?” Joel prodded her out of her thoughts. “What’s on your mind?”

Oh nothing, just contemplating the likelihood of you secretly wanting to fuck me. She could try testing him, letting her hand wander while they were snuggling, or just flat out asking him. But what if he gets mad? Or worse, what if he doesn’t?

“Ellie—” He tried again. “You’re scarin’ me kiddo. I wish you’d talk to me, tell me about these dreams of yours—”

“You don’t wanna hear about it Joel. I promise,” she whispered.

Joel helped her settle back onto their tarp bed, still stroking her hair. “Honey, there ain’t nothin’ you can tell me that’s gonna be worse than watchin’ it happen right in front of my eyes.”

Ellie cringed, hearing the clang of the handcuffs, the sound of his deep voice, high-pitched and furious as David raped her, the spitting threats he later realized. “You’re wrong,” she said flatly. “There’re worse things.”

“Alright. Like what?”

Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself. “Nothing Joel. It doesn’t matter. I have to pee.”

He exhaled with his whole body, flopping his head back down on his rucksack. Ellie rolled away, pushing herself into a standing position to find a quiet spot nearby. Just like yesterday, she couldn’t do more than a few dribbles and when she stood up, it burned like she had to go again already. She tried to put it out of her mind. The penicillin would make whatever it was go away.

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat as she returned to their bedroll, her jeans rubbing against her crotch as she laid down, making the burning worse, but she pushed her face into Joel’s side and ignored the pain. For a second she thought he might reject her out of sheer frustration, his arms closed and stiff, but he didn’t. Instead, he let out another heavy sigh, bringing one arm around her back to pull her close. She closed her eyes and prayed that this time wouldn’t be any different as she clung to his chest, nose in his jacket. She loved this, and she needed so badly to believe that he just wanted to hold her, to comfort her in the only way she’d let him, that he didn’t want her. How long can I expect him to put up with this shit?

Daylight arrived quicker than she anticipated and with it came new understanding. If she was going to convince Joel to stop asking her if she was fine every two seconds, she’d have to act like it. Really, truly act like it. Eating, sleeping, and shitting wasn’t enough. She needed to show him that despite what he said, things happen and we move on. We don’t need to talk about it, and we don’t need to ask Joel if he wants to fuck when he CLEARLY doesn’t.

Joel rattled around with their supplies for a while before Ellie decided to let him know she was awake, stretching and groaning as she pushed herself into a sitting position. “Morning,” she said, keeping her voice even.

He raised an eyebrow. “Mornin’. Didja get some more sleep?”

Ellie nodded.

“Sounded like a pretty bad nightmare you had last night,” he commented, working to pry open a can of peaches.

“I don’t remember it.” She shrugged. Change the subject. Think Ellie. “Um—Joel? Can we have some of the tuna today? I’m sick of peaches.”

Joel appraised her before putting the knife in his hand down. “Sure. We can do that.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes before Ellie was able to fight through her unease enough to think of something else to say. “Do you think the Fireflies will do weird experiments on me? Is that why you don’t want to go anymore?” He paused with the spoon halfway to his mouth. “Uhh— I reckon that’s part of it, yeah. I don’ wanna see you conned into somethin’ dangerous in the name of a vaccine.”

“How are they supposed to con me into something dangerous with you glaring over my shoulder?”

Rubbing his beard, Joel set the can down. “Glarin’ might not be enough to stop ‘em kiddo, and I ain’t as strong as I was in the fall. You ain’t at your finest either. All I’m sayin’ is maybe we should wait, hold off till we’re both feelin’ better.” He took out the bottle of penicillin from his backpack.

Ellie winced. “Marlene wouldn’t’ve sent me to find them if she thought they’d hurt me. She was friends with my mom.”

Joel stuck himself with the syringe, then moved to do her. “Alright, if you say so. It’s your mission. But the second I smell danger, I’m gettin’ us out.”

“Yeah—yeah. You already said that.” She shot him a small smile and pulled her sweater back up, but he only frowned in response, his thumb rubbing over the strap on his broken watch. Her eyes followed his fingers. “Will you tell me more about Sarah?”

Joel stiffened, but continued packing up their food and bedroll. “What do you wanna know?”

He must be desperate to keep her talking if he was letting her bring this up without the usual resistance.

“I don’t know. You never talk about her, so anything really.”

“Ellie there’s a reason I don’ talk about her. It ain’t the easiest thing for me—” He trailed off, walking beside her, avoiding eye contact. She sidled up closer, tucking an arm around him before pulling back. “It’s ok Joel. I’m sorry.”

Joel grunted, looking down at her with pursed lips as he helped her over a ditch . “Alright then, why don’ we play a game? You ask me a question, an’ I’ll ask you one.”

“Joel—”

“Settle down. I ain’t gonna upset you on purpose.” He held out a hand.

She sighed and then nodded. “Ok—But I get to go first.” Joel didn’t reply, waiting for her to continue. “Uh—You said she died the day the outbreak reached Austin— How old was she?” Joel didn’t know yet about the photo she’d stolen off Maria, but it was hard to tell how old Sarah was just from the picture.

“Twelve,” he answered. “Her birthday was in July.” His voice sounded distant.

“Oh. How old are you?” He had to be old to have had an almost teenage daughter before the outbreak.

“Thas’ two questions,” he snorted, poking her in the ribs.

“It doesn’t count! It’s a follow up question.”

“Ah, so I get a follow up question too then?” he teased. Ellie rolled her eyes with a huff. “Fine then, never mind.”

Joel let out a sigh at her dramatics. “I’m forty-eight.”

“So, you had Sarah when you were—” She tried to do the math.

“Seventeen,” he finished for her. “Thas’ three questions little lady. It’s my turn now.”

Ellie listened to the crunch of frost under her shoes, waiting with bated breath for what he might ask. He said he wouldn’t upset her on purpose, but he kept saying that and then bringing it up anyways. “Marlene… She knew your mom. What do you know about your folks?” he asked lightly, carefully, like he was wondering if he might trigger her. But right now, just about anything not related to the terrible thing that happened back in the chalet town felt safe to discuss.

“Ah— Well my mom was a nurse. Her name was Anna. She died the day after I was born… and she left me a letter that basically said she hates kids and babies, and that the world sucks…I don’t know anything else.”

Joel was staring at her, his face twisted with concern but Ellie just shrugged. She couldn’t even bring herself to feel the really big feelings, the ones that put cracks in her foundation, let alone old feelings for people she never even met.

“What about your dad?” he asked as they passed through an opening between two smashed up busses blocking the road. “Any idea who he was?” She raised an eyebrow at him as if to say, what do you think?

“Hey— It ain’t a follow up question. I asked about your folks.”

“Not a clue,” she said. “He could’ve been a doctor, or a soldier, or a fucking hunter.” She shivered, the growing pressure in her belly becoming too much. “I have to pee.”

Chapter Text

Ellie came out of the bathroom wearing the oversized sweatshirt and pants from the abandoned warehouse, her ponytail on her wrist, wet hair in tangles around her face. They’d holed up in an abandoned house for the night, which by the grace of God was free of both infected and dead bodies. Normally, Joel wouldn’t waste time bringing in snow from outside to set up a makeshift bath. Outside was outside; it was dirty, grimy, and the stench was something they were both used to by now, but with Ellie in the condition she was in, he figured they’d better put a bit more effort into hygiene.

“Feel better?” he asked as she flopped down on the stale sheets next to him.

“Guess so.” She shrugged, trying to work out the knots in her hair with her fingers. Joel sat up and unzipped Ellie’s backpack. “Scooch,” he said, directing her to move over as he pulled the comb out of her bag. Ellie did as she was told, eying him curiously. He started at the dripping ends of her hair and worked the comb upward. She closed her eyes and leaned back into his touch. When he was done, he parted the hair into three auburn sections on top of her head.

“What are you doing?” Ellie tried to turn around, but he stopped her.

Joel snorted. “What does it look like I’m doin’? I’m givin’ you a braid.”

“You know how to braid hair?” She sounded skeptical.

“Is that so hard to believe?” he chuckled, trying both to ignore and steer clear of the dark bruising fingerprints around her neck.

“I guess not.” She frowned, closing her eyes again, letting her head fall. It was a fucking miracle they hadn’t run into anyone, living or infected since the ‘chalet incident,’ as they’d taken to calling it. Ellie was still unwilling to listen as soon as Joel brought the word rape into it, and he’d been trying not to push her if not just to avoid fighting. She was in so much pain, physically (enough that she needed frequent breaks), emotionally (not that she’d admit to it), and Joel was at his wits end. He was completely out of his depth and he’d already exhausted every parenting strategy he was familiar with. Of course he’d never had to deal with a kid goin’ through something this awful.

“Tilt your head forward,” Joel instructed, working on the neck of her braid.

He’d seen kids in bad situations plenty over the past twenty years, kids who were homeless, starving. The worst ones were the too skinny, doe-eyed little girls in the QZ who traded God knows what for ration cards and made him question whether humanity even deserved to be saved in the first place. Still, it had always been a sad fact of life, a section of the zone better avoided.

As far as Joel knew, the worst thing Sarah had ever been through with the exception of dying, was her mother leavin’, and back in the day, he hadn’t taken a whole lot of time to explore that with her, so caught up in his contracts and trying to keep them afloat financially. There was a period of time when she was about eight years old, four years after Erin walked out on them, where Sarah was actin’ up in school, not listening, swearing, getting sent to the principal’s office a couple times a week. Some guidance counselor with a stick up her ass had contacted Joel, let him know, and gave him some suggestions, but fuck if he could remember any of those right now. Even if he could, they probably wouldn’t work on Ellie. She was an apocalypse baby; swearing and not listening was her norm.

“All done, baby girl.” He ran his hand down the length of her hair one more time, then scooted back against the pillows on his side of the bed. Ellie reached back and touched the braid, then shot him a small smile. “Thanks.”

“Tcht. It’s nothin’,” he yawned, shutting his eyes. “Why don’ we try to get some sleep?”

A warm weight pressed into his side, small fingers clenching around the fabric of his shirt. He stretched an arm out and pulled her closer. This was something Joel could do for her. It was the only thing he seemed to be able to do right. He knew that by old world standards, he probably shouldn’t be encouraging this. Even if they were father and daughter now, something that was less of an informal agreement and more an assumption on his part, it wasn’t normal for a fourteen-year-old girl to crawl into bed with daddy every night.

But they weren’t in the old world anymore and Ellie wasn’t a normal fourteen-year-old girl. As far as Joel was concerned, they were in crisis management mode and anything that made the rest of their journey more bearable was alright with him. They could deal with the emotional stuff later he reasoned.

Sleeping Ellie let out a high pitched mewl and Joel opened his eyes. She arched her back, one hand unconsciously tucking between her thighs. A deep disquiet settled in his chest, preventing him from falling asleep. Joel blew out his breath and started to pet her hair, replaying the past couple weeks on a loop in his mind.

He should’ve gone back and raided the chalet town for supplies before they’d left. He’d been so stupid to think that Ellie’s age and lack of readiness, combined with the level of violence, and all those dirty bodies could leave her unhurt. Whether it was a UTI gone bad or something torn up inside her, some internal injury she couldn’t see—Either way, she was on route to a dangerous infection, one that needed to be treated with real antibiotics, not a few units of penicillin here and there.

Joel had been in favor of giving her the rest of their medicine in one big dose, but Ellie successfully argued that if his infection came back and he died, then there would be nobody around to take care of her, and that’s what got them into trouble in the first place. She was right of course, but Joel was hard pressed to watch her suffer.

Ellie slept on and off for most of the night. She twisted and turned and kicked him like a toddler in the bed. He tried to sleep while she slept, the same advice he’d received as a new parent, but every time she whimpered or mumbled something he was wide awake again worrying.

Around the crack of dawn, Ellie pushed herself into a sitting position. She buried her face between her knees and let out a pained groan. Joel, who had been just on the edge of sleep, sat up next to her. “What’s wrong?” he asked blearily.

“I have to pee,” she groaned again, sucking in a sharp breath. She started to get up, but Joel put a hand on her shoulder. “Go in the bathtub. I don’ want you outside alone.”

She made a face.

“Don’ argue,” he snapped, then regretted his tone when she pulled away and shot him a fierce, defiant glare. Joel sighed and rubbed his hands over his face in frustration. “Right then, I’ll come with you.”

“It’s fine. I’ll just go in the bathtub,” she scowled, then disappeared out of his sight. Joel resisted the urge to roll his eyes. It wasn’t her fault. Going through something like this, especially at an age where she didn’t even fully understand it must be terrifying, probably a whole lot worse than her little bouts of moodiness were letting on.

She was gone maybe five minutes when there was a loud crash from the direction of the bathroom followed by an indignant scream. Joel jumped out of bed, wide awake again, and opened the bathroom door without knocking. Ellie sat on the edge of the bathtub, hunched over with her hands wound tightly in her hair. The remains of a broken soap dispenser lay scattered across the grimy tile. Did she throw it at the wall? “Ellie?” he tried.

“Fuck off, Joel.” He voice was cold and lifeless.

“Hey now—” Joel moved to put a hand on her arm.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” she screamed again, then she stood up and pushed past him, two hands on his chest.

He stumbled back a few paces, momentarily stunned by her anger. Before she could make it too far, Joel grabbed onto her wrist and tried to tug her back.

“Fucking let me go! Just get your fucking hands off me!” Ellie reacted like his touch burned her, twisting her arm around so hard he thought he might break her wrist. He let go to avoid doing just that, and watched as she threw herself on the bed, belly down, pulling the pillow to her face like she was trying to smother herself. She let out another muffled scream.

For a moment all he could do was stare at her with his mouth hung open. Her back rose and fell with each harsh breath, fists clenched in the pillow. Joel rubbed his face and let his shoulders fall, reminding himself forcefully that she wasn’t angry, not really; she was scared and hurting. She didn’t want to be touched, that was fine, but that didn’t mean he was gonna leave her alone in this state. He moved to sit on the floor next to her head, elbows on his knees, head leaned back against the old nightstand. “Ellie, I don’ know what just happened in there, but I ain’t lookin’ to hurt you. You know that right?”

She didn’t say anything, a ball of black fabric, stiff and silent beside him. He took the hint and shut up. They sat like that for a long time, the first hints of sunlight streaming through the window, when Ellie finally took a deep breath and mumbled what sounded like, “I’m sorry,” into the pillow.

“You wanna tell me what that was all about?” he asked. She shrugged, her face still covered. He waited for a moment to see if she’d continue on her own and she did, turning her head to the side so she was facing away from him as she spoke. “I had a bad dream, and it fucking hurts to pee.” Joel cleared his throat in acknowledgment, then stood up.

There was no sense in wasting daylight. Ellie stayed on the bed until he was finished packing up their things, and when she did get up to get dressed, her eyes were dull and her face colorless. She left it up to Joel to look away as she slipped the sweatpants off and her jeans and underwear on. She didn’t ask him to turn around, didn’t seem to notice him standing next to her in the first place.

The road was quiet for a while, but it didn’t take too long before her resilience kicked in and Ellie was back to some modicum of her old self.

“Why did you and Tommy really stop talking?” Ellie asked, tagging along behind him.

They’d taken to playing the question game as a distraction. Except now, instead of an even playing field, the game had turned into, ‘Ellie asks Joel so many questions that Joel can’t even answer the first question without being bombarded with another.’ Joel had never spoken to anyone so much in his life. He wasn’t too keen on all the prying, but you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, and it was comforting to hear her voice childlike and curious again. She was enthralled with his new ‘no holds barred’ communication tactic. Besides, he figured if he made an effort to be more open with her, she may start to do the same.

Joel grunted. “Tommy ain’t like me. He took issue with our way of life, wanted better for himself. Told me he wanted to live, not just survive.” He tried to keep the mocking out of his tone. “Guess he got what he wanted in the end.”

“I know that part.” She pushed. “I mean what did you actually do that made him leave Boston?”

“Wasn’t just one thing in the end.” He could’ve elaborated, but Ellie was in a sensitive spot just now. He didn’t feel like giving her a run down of all his most unforgivable crimes.

“Maria’s nice,” Ellie changed the subject. When Joel didn’t say anything in response, she kept going. “Did you ever want to get married?”

He shot her an incredulous look. “That ain’t in the cards for me anymore.”

“Anymore? Wait—Were you married to Sarah’s mom?” Her eyes widened and Joel fought the urge to chuckle. She was adorable. He’d never realized how much he missed the tenderness that came along with being a father. “Ellie—How many questions have you asked me now?”

“Sorry,” she winced and he watched as she tried to shift her jeans without him noticing. “You need to sit down?” he frowned. Ellie steeled her shoulders and glared up at him. “I’m fine. It doesn’t help to sit down anyways.”

“Alright then,” he sighed, slowing a bit so she didn’t feel like she had to keep pace. She was thinking about it again, he could see it in her eyes. Joel swallowed his discomfort and tried to distract her. “I married Sarah’s mom—Erin— when she was eighteen and I was nineteen. Sarah was already walkin’ by that time. We split less than a year later.”

“Oh.” She seemed to be concentrating hard on something. It was possible that she was just in pain. In times like these, Joel wished he could read her mind. It would make things a whole lot easier.

“Go pee, Ellie,” he commanded softly. She huffed about it, but did what she was told in the end. When she stumbled back to the spot by the highway where he was waiting, she was even more pale than when she left.

“Everything go ok?” he asked, trying to keep his tone casual. Ellie had made it clear that she was sick of him asking, but he couldn’t help it. It was his responsibility to keep her safe, and up to now, he’d been doing a piss poor job.

She avoided his gaze and kept her eyes trained on her feet. Joel didn’t push her to answer right away, but he also didn’t start walking. She needed him to understand that he wasn’t dropping the subject. When she still didn’t say anything, he let out a tired sigh. “Ellie, we’ve been over this. You don’ gotta be embarrassed, but I need to know what’s goin’ on,” he stressed.

“No matter how many times you say that it’s still going to be embarrassing,” she hissed, fists clenching at her sides.

”I know,” he sighed. 

He didn’t know what to do to make this easier on her so he just waited for her to gather her thoughts. When she did speak again, it was barely louder than a whisper, her voice strained and reluctant. “I just peed and I already have to pee again. My belly feels like it’s gonna explode, my back hurts, and my underwear is wet cos there’s gross stuff coming out of me all the time, which makes my jeans rub on me and it’s so uncomfortable I can’t even think straight.” She stopped abruptly, her hand flying to her mouth like she couldn’t believe she’d just told him all that.

“Right,” he said matter-of-factly, making a point not to react. “When you say there’s gross stuff comin’ out of you, is that blood or—?” he trailed off, not sure what the other option was.

Ellie’s face went tomato red. “No it’s—I dunno what it is.” The wall of tension between them was so thick that Joel had to fight the urge to take a step back. “This is so fucking stupid,” Ellie said, rubbing the heels of her palms over her eyes. “You can’t help anyways. I’m fine.”

“Jesus girl— Would you quit sayin’ that? You ain’t fine. You’re in denial. I’ve been around the block a few times Ellie, and I ain’t fine. I wake up sick thinkin’ of what happened to you, worryin’ about how you’re handling it, if you're even in the condition to make it to Salt Lake City.”

She winced. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t gotta be sorry. I jus’ want you to talk to me.”

She took slow, deep, concentrated breaths, green orbs shimmering with a glassy sheen. She was fighting tears. This was the closest she’d been to opening up since it happened. “It don’t have to be a big secret, baby girl.” he said softly, tucking a few stray baby hairs behind her ear.

Ellie flinched. A million emotions flickered across her face all at once. "What the fuck do you want me to say, Joel? A bunch of guys stuck their dicks up inside me while I laid there and fucking cried! I’m sorry I’m not reacting how you want, but I can barely even fucking walk right now, so pretty much all I can think about is the intense burning between my legs! Except at night— I dream about it every night. But the worst part isn’t what they did, it’s that in my dreams, it’s not just David and the hunters holding me down, it’s you!” Something broke inside her then and she let out a hysterical laugh, her voice rising in pitch. “Do you feel better knowing that I dream about you raping me every night!?”

Chapter Text

As soon as the words left Ellie’s mouth, she regretted them. Joel seemed too shocked to speak; he kept opening and closing his mouth like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. A part of her was still angry with him. What the fuck did he expect she was going to say? But the other part, the bigger part, was terrified. You don’t just tell people shit like that. “I’m sorry!” Ellie lunged forward, wrapping her arms around his torso, nose buried in his chest. “I’m sorry.”

Joel accepted her into his arms in stiff silence. 

“Please don’t be mad.”

“I ain’t mad,” he said automatically, his voice sounding strained and far away even as he softened his stance. She pushed her face deeper into his shirt, the tears on hold as she came to terms with the weight of what she’d just told him.

Joel pulled back and bent down to her height, both hands on her shoulders. “Kiddo, It ain’t that I don’t—” He stopped, winced, then begun again. “I understand how your mind could get there— but you know that dreams don’t mean nothin’ right? You know I would never… that I could never…” His tone was as serious as she’d ever heard it. 

Her bottom lip quivered and she looked away.

“Oh Jesus, Ellie.” He rubbed his hands over his face and stood up. “I know things ain’t so clear between us but—Have I ever done anything to make you think—?” Joel looked lost and maybe a little bit hurt, which made Ellie feel guilty. Heat pooled behind her eyes again as she stared up at him. “No! You didn’t do anything! Please don’t be mad. I just keep getting confused.” Her face crumbled before she even finished her sentence, hot tears spilling onto her cheeks. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Tcht—Baby girl— I ain’t mad,” he said again, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. “I just don’ know what to say.”

Ellie sniffled, swallowing the saliva that gathered in her throat.

“I haven’t forgotten about that nasty fight we had back in Jackson… but that was comin’ from a place of hurt, for me anyways, and things have changed since then.” 

“Oh,” she said, trying to figure out if he was saying what she thought he was saying.

Joel cleared his throat. “Now you may not have been born to me, an’ I didn’t do the bulk of your raisin’, but none of that matters like I thought it did.” If it were even possible, his tone dropped lower and became more serious. “I lost Sarah, and no one can ever replace her in my heart, but…” He took her hand and placed it on his chest, over his jacket.  “—no one can ever replace you in my heart either Ellie. You’re my second chance at bein’ a dad, and I can tell you for certain…” He was still struggling to put his words together, his brow fixed and concentrated “Honey that is the furthest thing from my mind when I’m with you.” 

A dizzying combination of love and something darker surged through her as another wave of tears cascaded down her face. “But I let David believe you were my dad and he still thought you might be—” She was cut off by a sob, snot and mucus running onto her chin. “He thought you’d know what I looked like.”

Joel cringed visibly at the memory. “I know,” he let out what sounded like a resigned sigh. “And I don’ know how to explain that other than to say there are a lot of sick people out there, but it ain’t normal to think like that, even assholes like him don’t usually stoop that low.” He braced his hands on her shoulders again. “I can’t deny I’ve done bad things in my life Ellie, unforgivable things, but I give you my word that I have never raped anyone, never considered it, never wanted to, an’ I ain’t about to start with my fourteen-year-old daughter. Is that clear enough?”

Letting out a closed mouth cry, Ellie dove into his arms and held on tight, skinny arms winding around him, clinging onto him for dear life as the first hard sob wracked her body. “I’m sorry—I’m sorry— I’m sorry—” she cried all at once.

Joel held her close, cradling her against him, his hand on the back of her head for support. “You don’ gotta be sorry.” 

“Joel—” she keened, but she was cut off by another vibrating sob.

“Thatta girl. You let it out.” Joel held her tighter, sinking to his knees on the frosty ground with Ellie in his arms, rocking her like a baby through wave after wave of vicious emotion. He was so big, and when he held her it felt all consuming, like nothing bad could ever happen to her again. There was a gentleness in the way he pressed her closer, an unconditional love that made Ellie wonder how she could’ve thought, even for a second, that he’d consider hurting her. Of course he’s my dad.

She let out another sob. “I know baby girl. I know. I’m so sorry,” he repeated over top her cries, pressing his lips to her head so he was surrounding her on all sides. “I’m so sorry.”

“He ruined everything,” she choked out, snot running down her face.

Joel carded his fingers through her hair. “No he didn’t sweet girl. Not everything. We’re gonna bring you back from this.”

“There’s no coming back from this! You should’ve just let them kill me,” she sobbed in his neck, cold wetness moistening the collar of her shirt. “I’m gonna die and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it—I don’t want to die from getting raped Joel—”

“Hey—hey—hey— You ain’t gonna die.” 

“You said yesterday that we’re weeks away from Utah on foot. I can’t even walk.” 

“You ain’t gonna die,” he drawled again.

“—And even if we do make it to Salt Lake City, how am I supposed to—” she paused to swallow.

“Supposed to what?” he nudged.

“How am I supposed to keep living like this?” 

Joel’s lips twitched when she said that, like he was trying to stop himself from bursting into tears alongside her, but he regained control quicker than she did. “You’ll do what we all do, baby girl. You’ll keep finding something to fight for. I’ll help you. I’ll do it for you right now, if that’s what you need, but you find one thing and you cling to it until suddenly, it ain’t so hard to keep livin’ after all.” 

Ellie nodded, steeling her shoulders. She thought of Riley. “I want to help find a cure,” she whispered, her voice steadying a bit. “I want you to to help me get to Salt Lake City.” Joel looked a little sad when she said that even though Ellie thought that was a good enough reason to keep living. She couldn't escape the feeling that she'd somehow disappointed him, but he didn’t say anything. 

When they separated, Ellie scooted back on the frozen grass, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin between them. She was exhausted and a headache was beginning to settle in behind her eyes, probably from all the crying.  

Joel cleared his throat to get her attention and tugged his pack close. “Here’s what we’re gonna do—” he began. When he spoke, Ellie lifted her head to look at him. He fiddled around in his backpack until he found what he was looking for. “You’re gonna change into these,” he said, handing her the oversized pants and sweatshirt from the warehouse.

“I can’t run in those. They’re too big,” she told him. Her voice faded and far off. She was tired and the pain in her body was returning in full force. 

“Don’ worry about that right now. You just take off your jeans and your underwear and anythin’ else that’s botherin’ you. It’ll help things to have some room to breathe.”

Ellie didn’t move. It was like her mind had stopped communicating with her legs. 

“C’mon now kiddo. It ain’t rocket science,” he prodded. She nodded as he spoke and unzipped her jacket slowly, then pushed herself up on trembling legs. “It’s cold,” she commented, like he could do anything about it. 

“It ain’t too bad. Spring’s on its way,” he tried to reassure, but she wasn’t listening. Ellie undid the button on her jeans and started to slide them down her hips in the middle of the deserted road. She didn’t care if he looked at her. What did it matter? He tried to avert his eyes when she pried the denim from her ankles and hooked her fingers in the sides of her underwear, but she lost her footing, and Joel had to lean in to catch her, propping her up by her shoulder as she rid herself of the dirty hipsters and fiddled with the waistband of the sweatpants.

“Kiddo, I need your help here. I know it’s hard, but I need you to pay attention.” He nudged. Ellie helped wrangle the pants up her legs after that, and Joel did the drawstring for her. Then, she lifted her arms for him to pull the sweatshirt over her head. He rolled up the cuffs at the sleeves, then did the same to the pants so she wouldn’t trip over the ends. “There we go,” he said, and it sounded like he was talking more to himself than to her.

 “I’m sorry Joel,” she said finally, trying to force herself back into focus. A few stray tears leaked from her eyes and she wiped them away.

“S’alright,” he frowned, picking up her jeans and underwear off the ground. “Can you show me where on your back it hurts?” 

Ellie swallowed, then nodded, reaching around. “It’s like— in the middle.”

Joel put his hand on her back in the spot she indicated and massaged with gentle fingers. “Does it hurt worse when I do that?”

She shook her head. “It feels like someone’s squeezing inside my back.”

“Alright. Don’t you worry—I’m gonna fix this, baby girl,” Joel said, pulling out the antibiotics and syringe. “We’re gonna get you to the Fireflies.”

Chapter Text

Ellie was dying; he could keep lying to her, but there was no point in kidding himself any longer. She’d been dying from the moment those men got their hands on her, all the parts of her that made her who she was picked off one by one. Her goofy self-assuredness, her sense of safety, of protection, the pure, undiluted spite that kept her going, until she was a husk of herself, and her body had no other choice but to succumb. 

The big dose of penicillin took them a few days further than they would’ve gotten without it, but the problem was that Ellie couldn’t walk. She was tired, dizzy, and most of the time she was in too much pain. Joel wasn’t a doctor by any stretch, but living doctors were scarce, and Joel had been witness to enough infirmity over the past twenty years to make a rough assumption. He knew kidney pain when he saw it. Kidney stones were common in the new world, often brought about by dehydration. Tommy used to get ‘em real bad in the beginning. In Ellie’s case, it didn’t seem like stones so much as an infection spread through her whole urinary tract, most likely the product of bacteria and other shit gettin’ up in there. She was dying from being raped, just like she’d said. 

Joel had to work to turn off his emotions and keep himself calm so he could think. If Ellie had the wherewithal not only to kill a half-dozen grown men, drag his dead-weight to safety, stitch him up, keep him fed, and find them medicine at fourteen years old in the middle of winter, then he could find some way to fix this. This little girl had not only saved his life, but in the process, she’d become it, and Joel wasn’t about to let all that go to waste. He was not going to lose another daughter. 

She couldn’t go to the bathroom on her own any longer, but she didn’t have the energy to protest his intervention. For that small mercy he was grateful. Most of what she expelled now was fishy smelling and clouded with blood. She was pale, gaunt, and shaky, and while she still made an effort to walk, leaning on him for support, it took too great a toll on her body, so he spent most of the day with a half-conscious Ellie on his back.

He tried to talk to her, to tell her little stories like she’d done for him, but it was exhausting, and Joel could feel a stirring in his lower abdomen, the swelling and heat that indicated his own infection may be returning. 

The only plan Joel could come up with was to replicate what they’d done in Bill’s town. If he could piece together a car and find some gas, then they could drive non-stop until they reached Salt Lake. It probably wouldn’t take more than a day and a half if the roads were clear enough. If that didn’t work, then they were well and truly fucked. He wasn’t sure what was worse, the sudden, jarring loss of Sarah, or the long, drawn out process of watching Ellie deteriorate.

Either way, he wasn’t going to find a car with ninety pounds of dead-weight on his back, so he had to find somewhere to tuck Ellie, somewhere she’d be safe from the elements, the infected, and any stray travelers they may come across. He settled on the inside of an abandoned gas station; it seemed like a good omen. He snuggled her into a pile of their blankets and wiped the sweat from her brow. Joel hoped to make it back before she had to go to the bathroom again. He didn’t want her to pee all over herself and get cold, anything he could do to avoid the onset of the infection fever.

Ellie was still alert enough to realize Joel had left her. She was jammed between a metal cabinet and the window of a building, covered with what remained of their blankets. He went to get us a car, she told herself. Still, she wanted him to come back. She didn’t want to die alone. You ain’t gonna die, Ellie heard Joel’s voice reassure in her head. Ha. Poor Joel, telling her lies to make her feel better 

She laid there for what felt like hours, staring up at the mold and mildew on the ceiling, the spiderwebs that collected in the corners and the dust the covered the glass next to her. Ellie laid there until she couldn’t lay any longer, a sharp, familiar pain in her belly. She had to pee. Her head throbbed as she pushed herself up on shaky legs. Just go somewhere close. She stumbled a few paces, clutching the wobbly shelves beside her until the ache in her back was too much to move any further, then she leaned back and pulled her sweats down her thighs. 

Despite her best efforts to aim, nasty smelling liquid trailed down her legs and pooled in the dirty black fabric. “Fuck!” she called out to no one, sinking down to the floor to try and wiggle her pants back up.

She’d just finished tightening the drawstring again when she heard the growl of an engine pull up outside. That couldn’t be Joel. He was good at a lot of things, but he wasn’t too familiar with mechanics. That’s why they’d needed Bill’s help in the first place. Ellie was sure if he thought he could put a car together that fast, he’d’ve done it by now, not as a last resort.

The muffled engine noises quieted and the silence gave way to conversation, men, at least two of them talking outside the building Joel holed her up in. Fuck—fuck—fuck—He’s gonna be so devastated if he comes back with a car only to find me dead, or hurt, or raped again—fuck. Ellie fought through the stabbing in her back, ignoring the pee dribbling down her leg until she settled herself again in the nest of blankets. Her best option was to play dead, or unconscious at least. 

She slid her hand into the open part of her backpack and wrapped her fingers around the butt of her knife, pulling it close for safe measure. I’m dead, she thought to herself, dead—dead—dead.

There were no cars worth saving anywhere near the small gas town where Joel and Ellie were stationed. He found one that was half melted, the transmission totally shot, and he found a row of trucks, but they were all gutted for parts already. He wasn’t the first to comb through this area. He could keep looking all he wanted but he wasn’t going to find anything. Joel couldn’t bring himself to go any further out of the town’s limits without Ellie, but she was too fragile to take with him.

Either way, it had been hours; he had to go back and check on her. On the way back, he wracked his brain for a new strategy. If only he could get a message to the Fireflies. He missed the days of cell phone communication now more than ever, hell— even flares or smoke signals would do pretty nicely right now. He supposed they could light a fire, but they weren’t anywhere near close enough to draw anyone but infected and assholes to their location. All that would accomplish would be keepin’ Ellie warm while she died. She ain’t gonna die. 

 Joel switched his focus to antibiotics. Medicine wasn’t something people just left laying around especially in a town already ransacked, and the holistic shit, though people still bought and traded it like gold in the QZ’s was a load of crock. Oh don’t mind me Ellie, I’m just gonna stick this clove of garlic up your— Where the hell would he even find garlic anyways? 

He was almost back to the gas station before he heard it, the rumble of an engine and the faint hum of voices. He whipped his backpack around to access his weapons, heart pounding in his chest. This was his opportunity. Please be alive, baby girl, he chanted in his head. Just hang on.

The men came inside the building together and Ellie listened as they bantered back and forth. “Search the shelves, I’m gonna have a look in the back,” one of them said, then there were footsteps drawing closer. She heard him searching the metal racks; he was over by the one she’d tried to pee on when he spotted her.

“Hey Danny— I think there’s someone in here!” 

Ellie tried not to flinch as he pulled back her blankets and took a look at her. He put two big, dirty fingers under her chin to feel for a pulse. “C’mon sweetheart, you awake?” he coaxed. She allowed herself a small exhale. To her surprise, when he realized she wasn’t dead, he covered her back up with the blankets. “Alright, you just stay there kiddo,” he whispered, then left her to go look for the other guy. 

When they returned, Danny walked over to Ellie’s pile of blankets. “What do we have here?” he asked, peeling the fleece back to peek at her face.

“She’s dead,” the first guy stated. “Just barely, but she’s gone." He was covering for her. 

“She’s still warm though,” Danny laughed, rubbing his hand over her face, down her neck. “I’ll bet she’s tight as a bow-string too.” Ellie had to curb the violent imagery that flashed in her head, her legs spread open wide as David knelt between them, someone else’s hands pinning her down at the arms. Jesus fucking Christ baby girl’s tight. 

“That’s fuckin’ sick, man. Leave her alone.” 

 “I don’t think she’s even dead,” he said then, pulling the blankets all the way off. “You knew it too! What the fuck are you tryin’ to lie to me for?” 

The one who called her sweetheart seemed to be determined to talk him down. “C’mon man, she’s just a kid— a sick kid—and she’s unconscious.” 

“Then she won’t remember a thing when she wakes up,” Danny said, his hands starting to fiddle with her waistband. 

Ellie sprang into action. She used every ounce of strength left in her body and flung herself at Danny, her mother’s knife flying at his face, striking him hard in the eye. She twisted the knife around and yanked it back out with a squelch. Some of the white stuff in his eye came with it. Danny gasped, momentarily shocked by the pain. Someone else shouted, probably the sweetheart guy, and in the the same second, a gunshot sounded outside. The window glass shattered, and Ellie pushed Danny onto his back, straddling him as she buried the knife deep into his face. He gurgled up at her, hands flailing by his sides, but she stabbed and stabbed until his nose was cut into three sections, and the pale white bones in his cheeks splintered and stuck out grotesquely.

It wasn’t enough. Her body screamed for her to stop but she couldn’t. She needed to kill him three, four times over—she was never—going—to—let—this—happen—again!

“Ellie!” Someone took hold of her from behind, pinning her arms to her chest. “Baby stop— It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok,” Joel soothed. She struggled against the grip, but he held firm.

“He thought I was dead! He thought I was dead and he was still going to—!”

“I know—I know sweetheart, but you stabbed the hell outta him. He ain’t gonna do nothin’ now.” Joel held her like that for long moments, until shaking sobs turned into breathless gasps and Ellie’s body softened, her muscles unclenching. Joel breathed in and out, encouraging her to do the same as he released his death grip and started to stroke her cheeks and the sides of her face how he knew she liked. “Thatta girl. You’re ok. You need to save your strength,” he whispered as she blinked up at him in a daze, eyes red rimmed and face blotchy. “Joel, they had a car—a jeep I think,” she croaked, memory suddenly catching up with her.

“They sure did,” he smiled, and Ellie felt hope swell in her chest for the first time since she got sick. 

Chapter Text

Ellie insisted on sitting in the passenger’s seat of the jeep left idling outside. At first, Joel contested the idea. She would be much more comfortable in the back, she could stretch out on the seat and rest, but Ellie said laying down made her feel dead, and he wasn’t about to argue with that. 

Her comfy clothes were covered in blood from the asshole she’d mutilated (Neither he or Ellie had time to process that little incident yet), and her jeans were too restrictive, so Joel had her in one of his t-shirts and his cleanest pair of boxer shorts. He hadn’t bothered with a seatbelt, covering her in as many blankets as he could to make up for the lack of clothes. After a few hours of driving and a couple scares, Joel realized he preferred her where he could see her anyways, the rise and fall of her shoulders reassuring him they still had time.

He tried to keep his mind from wandering too far in those quiet hours of contemplation. He tried not to think about how traumatized Ellie was, how overwhelming all this was going to be for her to face once things settled down, and he definitely wasn’t thinking about the fact that the Fireflies had pulled out of Colorado. Who’s to say they hadn’t up and left Utah in the same fashion? 

It took half a day for the infection fever to set in, but when it did, it attacked her with a vengeance. Ellie whimpered beside him, thrusting her arm out of the blankets and struggling to free her legs. Joel held a hand out over her body. “Take it easy,” he cautioned. “It won’t be long now.”

She groaned and muttered something unintelligible. “What’s that?” he asked. “I stole…Maria…” her teeth chattered as she spoke. Joel didn’t say anything back and that appeared to frustrate Ellie, because she let out a sigh and tried again. “Stole Sarah…from Maria,” she said, clearer this time, but still nonsensical.

She stole Sarah from Maria. Alright then. 

 “Don’t be mad.”

“I ain’t mad, kiddo,” he reassured, trying not to let her delirium affect him.

“Play…soccer together…when I see her…maybe she’ll be mad at me for stealing her dad…but I stole her from Maria,” Ellie let out a little giggle.

Normally, Joel wouldn’t mind Ellie bringing up Sarah, but he was pretty sure he’d never told her about Sarah playin’ soccer, an’ he didn’t like where this was going. “Baby girl, you ain’t goin’ nowhere near Sarah. Not for a long time.”

“M’kay,” Ellie responded, burying her face into the passenger door. “Will Riley still want to kiss me when I’m dead?” 

“Who’s Riley?” He asked, trying to get her to keep talking sense. The longer he could maintain her focused and alert, the longer she’d stay alive. 

“Not dead…alive-dead. Danny was going to…even though I was dead—but I wasn’t dead.”

“Quit talkin’ about bein’ dead,” Joel admonished, steadying her with a hand on her leg. Her skin was hot and she shivered at his touch. “Close your eyes and get some rest, kiddo.”

“Riley’s in my eyes…and Sarah.”

“Alright, well—just try to relax,” he sighed, his foot pressing down harder on the gas pedal. He didn’t know for sure if this Riley character was dead, but he remembered vividly Ellie’s words to him back in Wyoming, “Everyone I’ve cared for has either died or left me…” If she was kissin’ him, she probably cared about him.” Just cos she’s talking about dead people don’t mean nothin’. She’s delusional from the fever. 

They had to stop once for Joel to siphon gas and when he returned, Ellie was asleep, or unconscious, he didn’t dare try to wake her to determine which one. There wasn’t anything he could do about it either way, so he focused on road signs (what was left of ‘em anyways), and maneuvering around the wreckage that twenty years of neglect had caused to the highways.

By the time they reached Provo, Joel was sure Ellie was unconscious, she didn’t make any noise other than the gentle in-and-out of her breath. Even the soft whimpering that the fever drew out of her had quieted. It took about two hours to find a clear path from Provo to Salt Lake, but Joel’s relief quickly soured as they entered the Firefly city, when he realized that the roads were overgrown and inaccessible with the jeep. They’d have to go on foot to the hospital. 

Joel got out and opened the passenger door. “Hold on baby—I’m gonna pick you up,” he told her, but Ellie was floppy when he tucked his arms under her knees and pulled her to his chest. She was so light now, starved and dehydrated; she hadn’t peed since they left the gas station in Colorado, not even on herself. It was still cold so he tried to tuck the blanket around her body, but he couldn’t quite get every part of her covered, sock feet sticking out from the fleece.

Joel could hear a tell-tale combination of moaning and clicking coming from the tunnels surrounding the hospital, but the other path was blocked by a nasty car pile up that spanned about two miles of road. Neither option was something he could get Ellie through unharmed without the use of his arms. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he cursed, repositioning her. There was no way they were going into a tunnel full of clickers like this.

Just as he made the decision to take a closer look at the pile up, he heard the rumble of engines. Joel froze, his grip tightening on Ellie’s shoulders. The sound grew nearer, doors slamming shut behind them, then the crunch of shoes on the uneven road.

“Turn around!” someone shouted.

Knowing better than to refuse, Joel pivoted on his heel, clutching Ellie closer as he came face to face with a group of armed militia and two heavy duty trucks. The deja vu was startling and almost knocked him off his feet. Suddenly, he wasn’t in Salt Lake with Ellie, he was in Austin on outbreak day holding an injured Sarah to his chest, a gun pointed in their direction. 

“Easy now,” Joel drawled. “We’re lookin’ for the Fireflies. We’ve come a long way on orders from Marlene.” 

There were two people, one man and one woman, and when he mentioned Marlene’s name, the women dropped her gun and whispered something to the man, then she disappeared behind the first truck. A door slammed on the second truck, and Joel adjusted his grip, preparing his mind and body for the worst. He had to keep hold of Ellie no matter what; even if they decided to shoot at him, he couldn’t flinch, he couldn’t let go. 

He was so focused on the little girl in his arms that he didn’t even notice the woman return, or that she was accompanied by someone else, until the other person spoke. “Joel Miller—Is that you? Christ, is that Ellie—?” It was Marlene. 

Relief like nothing else he’d ever felt before washed over him, making him weak in the knees. Still, he found that he couldn’t let go of Ellie, even when the others tried to help take her off his hands. 

The Firefly hospital was well maintained as far as Joel could tell. They wheeled Ellie away on a gurney pretty well as soon as they arrived, and though he knew it was the only way, Ellie leaving his sight after so many months spent together caused an automatic onslaught of anxious paranoia. Marlene had shown him to another room with a hospital bed and insisted he rest, or at least wait in there for updates, but Joel couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes. 

When Marlene did finally return, her face was grim. “I don’t have the guns anymore, but you’re welcome to take a look at some of our supplies before you go on your way.”

“I don’ give a shit about guns, and I ain’t goin’ nowhere. How is Ellie?” Joel started. He’d promised not to leave her, not to let them hurt her. He wasn’t about to break that promise because Marlene wanted to get rid of him. If anything, her attitude made him more wary than he was before. The woman in question held up a hand, the tendons in her jaw flexing. “You don’t have to worry about Ellie anymore,” she said stiffly.

Joel waved her off. “I worry. Now if you don’ mind, I’d like to see her.” 

Something inside Marlene snapped in that moment, like his words personally offended her. Her voice dropped low. “I think it would be best for everyone if you left.”

“Scuse me?” He stood up, all of a sudden finding himself on the offensive. “You have no right—no right— to ask me to bring that girl halfway across the country, to suffer what we’ve suffered, only to dump her here to play lab rat to some Firefly doctor—”

“Gonorrhea, Joel?” Marlene cut him off, squaring off with him at the shoulders. 

“What?” he hissed. 

“Ellie has a severe UTI that’s spread into her bladder and kidneys, and she tested positive for gonorrhea. Do you have any guesses as to how that might’ve happened?” Her tone was icy.

Understanding washed over him and suddenly, Joel didn’t blame her one bit for her coldness. He blew out his breath and sat down on the bed, rubbing his forehead.

Marlene kept going. “Where the hell is Tess? Christ Joel, I understand it’s a long, lonely trip, and I’m glad you brought her here, but she’s just a kid—I never would’ve left her with you if I’d thought—” 

“I didn’t give that little girl gonorrhea,” he sighed, interrupting her mid sentence.

“Oh no? Then how’d she get it? From a dirty toilet seat?” she bit back. “She didn’t get an infection this bad from some stranger rape. This is multiple times.”

“I didn’t rape Ellie.” He held firm. “You can ask her…but she ain’t gonna like talkin’ about it, so you might as well let me explain first.” Marlene’s eyes narrowed, but she nodded for him to continue. 

When he was finished his explanation, Marlene took a seat next to him. “You know I’m gonna ask her to confirm all this when she wakes up, right?”

When she wakes up. She was going to be ok. “That’s fine—just— I know she’s a tough kid, believe me I know, but she’s been in a real bad place since it happened. I’m only askin’ that you don’ make her go into detail if she don’ want to.”

The other woman let out a weary sigh, dropping her face into her hands. “Her mother…Anna…the same thing happened to her. She was a nurse just outside the QZ and he was a brand new soldier. You know how they are when they’re new. That’s how Ellie was conceived. I never told her, figured it was better to let her wonder.” 

“Don’t tell her now,” Joel shook his head. “She don’ need to know that.”

“You care about her,” Marlene observed, shooting him a tired smile. “I’m sorry— I shouldn’t’ve accused you without asking first. Tommy told me about your little girl, the one you lost.” 

He grunted, not bothering to hide his irritation at the comment. Tommy had a bad habit of sharin’ his business with anyone and everyone who asked. “I won’t let you use and abuse her in the name of a vaccine,” he said, his tone firm again. “I don’t give two shits about the rest of humanity, and I don’t care if you knew her mother; she’s been through too much.”

Marlene appraised him. “We can’t do anything besides run tests on her until her infection’s cleared up.” She saw he was about to speak again and held up a hand to stop him. “—but if we do need to do anything, I’ll talk to you about it first,” she said. “I really am grateful you brought her all this way.”

“I didn’t do it for you,” he said with an air of finality that he hoped communicated his position on the matter. Ellie first: nothing else mattered. 

Chapter Text

“Where’s Joel?” Ellie demanded, stretching her legs out in front of her on the hospital bed, the pressure in her belly still there and uncomfortable. “I want to see him.” 

Marlene frowned and sat down on the crisp white sheets. The same fierce protectiveness that she’d felt over Marlene the first time she met Joel was now reversed and ten times stronger. He didn’t need her protection, that was obvious enough, but she still wanted to make sure he was ok before things got too carried away, that and he was the only one she trusted. The other woman appraised her for a moment, then nodded.  “He’s been sitting by your bed for almost two days. I just told him to go take a shower about an hour before you woke up—”

 Ellie sighed and rested her chin on her knees. 

 Marlene held up a hand to placate her. “You can see him. I just have a few questions to ask you first, if you’re ok with that. I’ll go find him as soon as we’re done.”

Questions she doesn’t want to ask in front of Joel? “O—kay,” Ellie said, brows furrowing.

The older woman hesitated. “You know you have a pretty bad infection, right?” 

She nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat.

“And you know how you got that infection?”

Ellie looked away. Obviously she fucking knew. 

“Honey— Can you tell me how it happened?” Marlene prodded.

Ellie couldn’t bring herself to turn around, her body refusing to cooperate. “Can’t you just ask Joel? He’ll tell you.” She wasn’t at a point yet where she could talk about it. Right now it didn’t feel like she ever would be. 

“I’d like to ask you first. Look— I know things can sometimes get confusing on the road. Sometimes one person taking care of another person turns into both people taking care of each other. It can be easy to forget about those boundaries we put up in normal society and why we put them up in the first place.”

“What are you talking about?”

Marlene sighed long and low, then she leaned in closer to Ellie. “I’m asking if things ever got confusing between you and Joel.”

Oh. Ellie understood the question. She had to curb the nausea that rose in her throat. Joel doesn’t want that from me. He was very clear—even if David said it— and now Marlene is saying it. But those people could just fuck right off because Joel wouldn’t lie to her about something like that. He’d been so serious, so heartfelt when he’d called her his daughter. That was what Ellie needed to cling to.  “It wasn’t—He didn’t—” she said, her voice small, barely more than a whisper. “Joel didn’t hurt me— but I don’t wanna talk about it. Can you just get him to tell you the rest?” Ellie rocked back and forth, rubbing her shins, trying to distract herself with the friction. 

The older woman pursed her lips. “You know Ellie, even if something did happen between you and Joel, even if it was something you thought you wanted at the time… or maybe you didn’t say no or tell him to stop, that would still be important information.”

Like a stray Molotov, Ellie felt herself hit a wall and explode outward. “Oh—my—fucking—God, I already told you it wasn’t him! Would you quit asking!? NOTHING happened between me and Joel. In fact, Joel’s the only person who’s ever actually treated me like a kid— He didn’t even want me to drive, or use guns, or go pee alone, so no, he’s not fucking me!” Marlene took a few steps back, startled by her outburst, but Ellie couldn’t bring herself to feel bad for snapping. It was a fucking stupid question and she’d already given Marlene an answer. Why did she have to keep asking?

“Ellie—Hey—” Joel appeared in the doorway, then hurried to her side. He braced his hands on her shoulders and pulled her off her knees. “Take it easy kiddo. Don’t tire yourself out. Now, I didn’t hear all of that, but it sounds like Marlene is askin’ you good questions, the same questions I’d be askin’ if someone brought you back to me in the condition you’re in. She ain’t tryin’ to hurt you— or me— she’s just bein’ cautious.”

Ellie took in a deep breath and turned to look at Joel, who cupped her face in his hands. “You and I both know there’s a lot of sick people out there.” She nodded along with him, working to relax her muscles, to slow her breathing. “She’s just tryin’ to make sure I ain’t one of ‘em.” 

“Joel—” Ellie couldn’t stop herself from wrapping her arms around him, pressing her face into his neck. She didn’t have anything but fuzzy memories from after the gas station and she’d woken up alone. It was sort of embarrassing to act like a little kid in front of Marlene, who’d always treated her like another grown up, but at the same time she didn’t care. If Marlene didn’t want her to act like a kid, then she shouldn’t’ve fucked off and left her with strangers. 

He stroked her hair. “It’s alright now. There’s a shit tonne of antibiotics pumpin’ through your system, an’ pretty soon you’re gonna start to feel a whole lot better.” Joel pulled back, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “You gave me a couple good scares there little lady.”

Marlene was watching them with a strange look on her face. “Why don’t I give you two some time to catch up?” she asked lightly, reaching out to pat Ellie’s leg.

When Marlene was gone, Ellie turned to Joel. “Sorry for getting mad. She just kept trying to ask the same thing in different ways and it bothers me because I just stopped worrying about that—” He frowned and mussed her hair. “It’s alright, kiddo— I know— There’re probably gonna be certain things that bother you for a while yet an’ that’s ok.”

Ellie sighed. “I still feel like I have to pee all the time.”

“That’ll go away,” Joel reassured. “It’s only been two days. I reckon by tomorrow you’ll be pretty much back to normal.”

“What if I’m not though? The antibiotics didn’t work last time so how do you know they’ll work this time?” She tried to keep the anxiety out of her voice. 

Joel smirked. “Oh honey, there’s a big difference between expired Penicillin and the shit they’re givin’ you now. You’ve got the surgery grade stuff.” He reached into his pockets and pulled out several vials of clear liquid— Ceftriaxone— if the bottles were to be believed. Ellie grinned. “Did you steal that?”

He shrugged. “Never know when it might come in handy. Plus, the doc was sayin’ once you’ve had one UTI gone bad, the chances of it happenin’ again are higher, an’ I don’t like the sounds of that.” 

Ellie shivered. “What about your infection? You should use some of that to make sure it’s gone for good.”

Joel lifted his shirt to show her his scar. The edges were no longer red and puffy, and the swelling in the rest of his belly had gone down. “Did you take the stitches out?” she looked closer.

“Doc did it for me. They gave me some of the good stuff too. He said you did a bang up job of the closure with what you had, made his job easy.”

Ellie smiled a little bit at the praise. “Oh wait—I almost forgot,” she said suddenly. “Can you pass me my backpack?”

Joel picked the dirty bag off the floor and handed it to her. She fiddled around in the front pocket a nervous tingling in her belly. “On the topic stealing—don’t be mad, but I forgot to give you this. I took it from Maria back in Jackson. I figured you’d want it when you were less grumpy.” Ellie handed Joel the picture of him and Sarah she’d swiped from Tommy’s wife. He took it, a weird mixture of sadness and something else etching itself into his expression.

“That explains a few things,” he grimaced, running his thumb over the curve of Sarah’s hair, like he was trying to tuck it behind her ear. 

“What do you mean?”

Joel snorted. “Just some funny things you were sayin’ while you were sick. Thanks baby girl,” he said, holding up the picture. “You’re right, I do want it.” He tucked it into his pocket, then leaned back. “While we’re on the subject. Who’s Riley?” he raised an eyebrow.

A shock of pain shot through her, like ripping a scab open on her heart. “What?” she hissed, “Who told you about Riley? Was it Marlene?”

Joel’s face twisted into a frown. “No kiddo, you talked about him quite a bit on the drive here. I was just curious, that’s all— but if you’d rather not talk about it…”

“She died.”

Joel’s eyebrows shot up. “Riley’s a girl? Good to know …” he trailed off, like he was thinking hard about something. He waited for her to continue. 

“She was my best friend, and she was with me when I got bit,” Ellie held up her scarred arm. “She got bit too.”

Joel scooted away from the chair beside the bed so that he was sitting next to her on the white sheets, thumbing a piece of her hair behind her ear like he’d just tried to do to Sarah’s picture. “I’m sorry kiddo. It’s a shitty world out there.”

Ellie yawned and nodded, mostly to cover the sudden rush of sadness that washed over her. 

“You feelin’ sleepy? Why don’ you get some rest?” Joel suggested gently. “I’ll wake you if the doc comes back.” She laid down, then reached a hand out and pulled his arm in next to her. She didn’t like asking, but he got the idea anyhow. Joel tucked beside her on the bed, the buttons on his shirt pressing into her cheek. He sighed and relaxed back, drawing circles on her upper arm. “Did they say anything about a cure?” she whispered.

Joel shook his head. “They haven’t been able to do much but a couple scans and blood draws cos of your infection. Once it’s cleared up they’ll know more.”

“Ok,” Ellie nodded, inhaling the familiar, gun oil smell of sweat and home as she drifted off to sleep. 

That’s where Marlene found the pair of them a couple hours later when she came by to check in, Ellie’s preliminary scans in hand. She held up the images of Ellie’s infected brain and looked again to be sure, the devastating truth coming over her in a shroud of black.

“Christ— I’m sorry Anna—” she said quietly to herself. And God, she didn't even know the man but her heart was already breaking for Joel, whose whole existence clearly belonged to the girl. Doctor Anderson hadn’t said as much yet, but Marlene wasn’t stupid; she knew where this was going.  

Chapter Text

Joel knew something was wrong the third time they brought Ellie down for the same procedure: three consecutive MRIs. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that you weren’t supposed to need three of those, one look inside someone’s body should be enough.

Doctor Anderson was always kind to Ellie. He had a daughter about her age, which made Joel feel a bit better, and sometimes he would share little anecdotes, but when the images would come through on the computer, his laid back, happy affect would turn stoic, the nurses subdued. Joel couldn’t read the scans and he didn’t have a rapport with any of the medical staff, so he relied on Marlene to be their translator.

He didn’t trust her exactly, but aside from Joel himself, she was the one with the most personal investment in Ellie. Of course, she’d also sent Ellie on a cross country road trip with an almost fifty-year old man who, only moments before, had tortured and murdered an arms dealer in the street.

It wasn’t like Joel’s reputation didn’t get around after all those years in the QZ, but to be fair, he wasn’t known for killin’ kids, or what Tess used to refer to as, ‘playdates,’ down by the docks. Still, Marlene’s acquaintance had been with Tommy and then with Tess, never Joel— and she clearly didn’t trust him if her first instinct was to assume that he’d given Ellie gonorrhea—something they’d all agreed the little girl was better off not knowin’. Either way, Joel took the job of, glarin’ over Ellie’s shoulder, seriously. She didn’t go nowhere, she didn’t do nothin’ if Joel wasn’t around to witness it.

“Earth to Joel—” Ellie said, waving her hand in front of his face. She was curled up on the hospital bed wearing a pair of navy blue teenage girl sweatpants that said Juicy on the butt, and a light grey tank top that was actually in her size. Her breakfast tray, which had contained two hard-boiled eggs, a can of mandarins, and a bowl of oatmeal, was demolished in front of her. Her appetite was back in full force, and even though it was just a few pounds here and there, it was nice to see her looking less skeletal, some of the color returning to her cheeks. “What are you thinking about?” she asked.

He cleared his throat and shifted over to the bed to sit with her. “I was thinkin’ about Boston actually.”

“Oh. Were you thinking about Tess?” she asked, her voice dropping lower. She was feigning passivity, but he could tell she was paying close attention to how he reacted. He felt sorta bad about it now, but he’d never really brought up Tess with Ellie, never let her bring it up, even in their question game from before, even though he knew Tess dying was something that had really affected her. “A bit,” was all he said in return.

“Did you guys live together in Boston?”

Joel, who could see where this line of questioning was headed, sighed and rubbed his forehead. “We did.” This wasn’t something he wanted to rehash right now, but he’d do it for her. Still, if she wanted answers, she was gonna have to drag them out of him.

“So—you were dating,” she said matter of factly.

“Not exactly Ellie. It’s complicated. Nobody’s really dating nowadays like they used to.” He remembered Tess’ last words to him—‘There’s enough here that you must feel some kind of obligation to me.’ Things they left unsaid until it was too late.

“But you were…” She wrinkled her nose. “Nevermind.”

While Joel found the idea of discussing his sex life with Ellie unappealing at best, there was something in her posture that told him she needed further explanation. He was trying to think what was best for her in the long run; if he didn’t have these conversations with her, he didn’t know who else would. “Baby girl— You know that whatever I did or didn’t do with Tess has nothin’ to do with what happened to you, right? Cos when it comes down to it, there’s a big difference between forcing somethin’ to happen and things happenin’ naturally between consenting adults—”

“Stop—stop—stop—” Ellie shut her eyes and covered her ears. “I don’t want to talk about this right now. Please don’t explain anymore.”

“Ok, I’m just makin’ sure. And just because I may have done that in the past with someone else or might again in the future, it don’t mean I’d ever wanna do that with you.”

“YES. I know,” she said, her voice rising in pitch.

“Alright—” he drawled, “—as long as we’re clear.” Then he shifted awkwardly. They sat in silence for long moments after that and again Joel lamented the fact that he couldn’t just read her mind. He figured he ought to follow her lead and not push her too hard, but then again, pushin’ her was the only thing that got her to open up the last time and he wasn’t going to let Ellie suffer because he was afraid to have a tough conversation.

After a while, Ellie frowned, her brows creasing as she stared at her knees. “I’m sorry she died because of me.”

—And they were back on Tess.

“Hey now—” he stopped her. “She didn’t die because of you. In fact, I seem to recall it was her idea to cart this weird little infected girl across the city. I didn’t want nothin’ to do with it.” Joel poked her belly, makin’ sure she knew he was joking.

“Yeah well at least you had a choice,” she shot back, half-glaring, half-smiling. “All I got was, ‘Hey Ellie, stay in a room with this old dude. I knew his brother like seven years ago so I’m sure he’s not a psycho pedophile.’”

“Happy to be of service,” he snorted, pretending to tip his hat. “Though I still think I got the rougher end of the deal havin’ to listen to you natter on about Dr. Daniela Star for almost a year straight.” He was smirking now.

“Dude, not cool! Dr. Daniela’s awesome—” Ellie dove at him, sinking her teeth into his shoulder, “Now— who’s—fucking—infected!” she shouted in between giggles. Joel locked an arm around her waist, pinning her to his side like a football, then reached for her knees. Ellie let out a high pitched shriek as she struggled to get away, kicking and writhing in his grasp as he tickled her. “Joel! Joel stop—” she screeched, tears running down her cheeks. “Fine—Fine! I’m sorry for infecting you—”

He let Ellie kick her way out of his grasp in the same moment the door to their room opened. “Good morning, Ellie,” Doctor Anderson smiled, watching them amusedly.

Marlene followed suit, and Ellie quickly wiped the tears from her face and controlled her laughter when she saw the woman come in, like she’d done something bad. Joel resented the pair for ruining the moment. It was so rare that Ellie acted like a kid. That was the first time he’d heard her belly-laugh since Colorado. Now it was back to talks of testing and immunity, what kind of drugs they thought she could and couldn’t handle, which parts of her they could cut out without killing her.

Ellie put on her brave face, but Joel didn’t miss the way she scooched her legs closer to him, sock feet pressing into his side. “Doctor Anderson?” she asked out of the blue.

The doc looked up from his clipboard. “Yes, Ellie?”

“Do you think if I bit someone— like actually bit them— pierced their skin and stuff— that they would get infected?”

He looked pensive. “I’m guessing you’re asking because you haven’t tried it?”

“Well… I did.” She hesitated, nestling her feet further into Joel’s lap and shooting him a guarded look. “I bit David really hard. I was trying to scare him and he was bleeding everywhere, but he sort of died before I could see if it worked.” That must’ve been before Joel got involved. They hadn’t explored a lot of the before stuff yet. He didn’t even know how long Ellie had been interacting with that particular group.

Marlene made eye contact with him from the other side of the bed and Joel nodded, then she shared a look with the doc, who grimaced, the corners of his mouth turning down. Ellie caught the exchange and let her breath out in a huff. She looked so unsettled he had to step in. “I don’ think you can pass it like that, kiddo,” Joel tried to reassure. “We shared a needle for a solid couple weeks and I never turned.”

“Oh. I didn’t think of that,” she said. She was out of focus now, dazed. That usually meant her mind was somewhere unpleasant.

“Ellie, we need to talk about some next steps today, if you’re ok with that,” Doctor Anderson said, keeping his eyes on his clipboard. Joel couldn’t stop a scowl from forming on his face. This couldn’t be good. He knew what they were doing— telling both him and Ellie together so he couldn’t just veto their little plan without her gettin’ involved. Ellie didn’t say anything, waiting for an explanation before she spoke.

“We’ve been doing MRIs for the past couple days trying to find spots in your body where the Cordyceps infection might have grown or taken root. Of course, it grows all over the brain, but we were hoping there would be other spots, other places we could use to take samples from. Unfortunately, that’s not the case.”

“Don’t even finish that fucking sentence,” Joel growled, tightening his posture. One of his arms crossed Ellie’s body like that alone could shield her from the truth.

“What does that mean?” Ellie asked, ignoring him.

“It means they want to take a sample from your brain,” he said, his jaw stiff. Joel could feel the rise in his blood pressure, the rush of adrenaline in his veins.

“It’s called a biopsy,” Marlene added, putting a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. Joel had a mighty strong urge to tear it off, but he resisted. “It’s a long needle Doctor Anderson would use to collect some cells so we could study them, to see if they could help engineer a viable cure. You’d be under anesthesia so you wouldn’t feel it. It would be like taking a nap.”

“Ellie— Joel turned her attention back to him. He needed to remain calm. If he started to get worked up, she would judge him as the irrational one and she’d be more likely to argue in favor of this damn fool plan. “Honey— You need to think about what would happen if the cells did produce a cure. A biopsy isn’t going to give them near enough material to make a vaccine. All this is, is a test to determine whether or not it’s worth it to kill you and use your brain.”

“Joel—” Marlene interrupted, but she didn’t have anything to say, because there was nothing else to say, so she went quiet again.

“There is no guarantee that this little science experiment is going to do anyone any good kiddo. Think about it; even if Doctor Anderson is able to produce a vaccine, how is that gonna be distributed? Who’s it gonna go to? They’re gonna ration it like they ration everything else, and the people who really need it, won’t get it.”

“We—Doctor Anderson and me, will make sure it gets into the right hands, Ellie.” Marlene implored. “It’ll go to kids, to people trying to make a good life, to somebody’s Riley…”

Ellie’s whole body reacted to the woman’s statement and she let out a pained little noise. Joel saw red. This time he couldn’t stop the rage that rose within him as she spoke. “You people are sick— fucking demented, tryin’ to emotionally blackmail a fourteen-year-old girl into killin’ herself for a hopeless cause like you’re some sort of goddamn superheroes! In case you haven’t noticed, a clicker can still rip someone’s fuckin’ head off with or without a vaccine!”

“Joel stop,” Ellie said quietly, placing a small hand on his arm.

The doc cleared his throat. “If I can say something?” he asked, playing the benevolent mediator. Joel wasn’t convinced, but he stayed silent, waiting for the man’s contribution. “There’s no guarantee that we’ll be able to do anything at all with the sample we collect. That’s all it is right now: a sample. Yes, there are greater implications, but we’re not there yet— Ellie— Joel— I want you to know I’m not taking this lightly. My daughter Abby is Ellie’s age so believe me, I understand how terrifying this is.”

Sure. Play the father card. But the doc was forgetting one important fact. Joel was the only one who’d already lost a daughter, he was the only one who really knew the implications of what this asshole was asking of them. “We’re not interested,” Joel said firmly. “Ellie, we’re leavin’.”

“Wait—Joel can we just talk about it?” she asked, sitting up on her knees. Then she turned to the doc and Marlene. “Can you give us a minute to talk?”

Neither party would argue with her, and when they were alone at last, Ellie turned to him. She didn’t say anything; she knew he’d want to start. “I promised you back in Colorado that if we were gonna do this, I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you. You swore to me that you’d let me get you out at the first sign of danger. Baby girl— I’m tellin’ you, this is the first sign of danger.”

“But they’re not going to do anything except take a sample. Can’t we argue about this later? After that’s done? They can take their sample and then we can leave; maybe they can find a way to replicate it somehow, I don’t know—”

“Kiddo, you don’t even understand the risks of a surgery like this,” He cut her off. He shouldn’t’ve cut her off, but it was too late now. “—No matter how small they’re makin’ it sound. They don’ just stick a needle in your head, they drill a hole into your skull. And did you know there are risks to being put under anesthesia? Some people are allergic to it, and some people just fall asleep and never wake up. It ain’t as simple as a blood draw was.”

She was getting upset now, her voice slipping into a whiny defiance. “You’re the one who told me I should be finding something to fight for. You said that and now you want to take my reason away just because you’re scared! If there was a vaccine from the beginning, it could’ve saved Riley— Tess—It probably could’ve even saved Sarah because then there wouldn’t’ve been so much panic—”

Jesus Christ.

“Ellie— Do not bring Sarah into this,” he snapped. “Sarah died because a group of assholes not so different from the goddamn Fireflies thought they knew best. They thought they knew how to control the outbreak an’ it cost lives. I’m not going to let it cost yours too.”

She switched tactics again. “Joel, please. As my dad I’m begging you. I need this. I’m trying so hard not to think about what happened in Colorado, but I’m holding on by a thread. I need to feel like my life is worth something right now. Please. Just let me do this one thing and then we’ll go. We’ll go anywhere you want.”

Joel could feel his resolve cracking under the weight of her stare, those big innocent green eyes. She was being so mature about all of this, so strong, and in a way she was right; he was ruining it for her.

“You won’t try an’ argue with me again?” he confirmed. “When this one surgery is over, we’ll go back to Tommy’s? Try to make a normal life for ourselves?”

“I promise,” Ellie said sincerely. “I won’t argue.”

Joel sighed long and low. “Well, alright then. We’d better get you prepped.”

“I love you,” she whispered, then hugged him so tightly, that for a moment he almost forgot what a terrible fucking idea this was. 

Chapter Text

They had to wait a few days for Doctor Anderson to feel comfortable doing surgery on Ellie, which on one hand Joel was grateful for; they weren’t lookin’ to rush in and make a mistake, but on the other hand, it meant he had a few extra days to dread the outcome, to regret not just picking her up and dragging her out of this damn hospital kicking and screaming. 

“How are you feeling today, Ellie? Do you think today’s the day?” The doc asked, acknowledging Joel’s presence over her shoulder. It was still early, some time before dawn, and Ellie was sleepy. She rubbed her eyes as the man spoke. “I’m fine. I’m ready if you guys are,” she said, then she glanced at Joel who sat down in the chair beside the bed.

“I’d like to examine you and take some blood first, just to make sure your body can handle it. You won’t be able to eat breakfast or have anything to drink, but if all goes well, we should be done by this afternoon.”

“What kind of doctor are you anyways?” Joel asked, trying to sound more curious than accusatory.

The other man wasn’t fooled. He shot Joel a small, reassuring smile. “I graduated med school the summer before the outbreak, so most of my experience is in emergency medicine and trauma surgery, but in the past few years my work has been centered around studying the Cordyceps virus and immunology.”

“Ever done brain surgery before?” he grunted.

“Joel—” Ellie started to complain, but the doc held up a hand. “It’s alright Ellie, those are fair questions. Yes— I’ve done brain surgery before— with good outcomes,” he added for Joel’s benefit. “And while a biopsy like this is technically considered brain surgery, it’s a very quick, tidy little operation with a short recovery time. I’m not worried.” 

“See— I’ll be fine,” the little girl grinned at him and Joel resisted the urge to roll his eyes. The doc could’ve told her she had a ninety-percent chance of certain death and she still would’ve tried to convince him of the same thing. 

Ellie always looked real uncomfortable when the doc examined her; the stethoscope on her back and chest making her stiff and fidgety. He figured it had something to do with the man putting his hand up her shirt, which given her recent experiences was perfectly understandable. Joel tried to encourage her to answer the doctor’s questions herself, but she almost always defaulted to Joel to do it for her, or at least to re-frame the question in words she was familiar with. “Have you still been having frequent or unusual discharge?”

“Uh…” Ellie frowned.

Joel cleared his throat. “The gross stuff that was comin’ out of you,” he clarified.

Her face flamed and she looked away. “Not really, no.”

The doc didn’t react to her embarrassment, writing something down on his clipboard. “How about your back? Does it still hurt?”

Ellie shook her head and he marked that off too. 

“Any pelvic pain or soreness— itching, burning, or bleeding when you pee or at anytime—?”

“Not anymore,” she said quietly. “The pressure in my belly’s gone too.”

“Good— That’s good. Now, I should warn you, after the procedure, you might feel a little bit of that returning, specifically that burning when you pee. That’s alright and it’s normal. It doesn’t mean your infection’s coming back. Anesthesia stops you from being able to control your bladder, so we have to put a little tube called a catheter inside you to drain the pee out during the surgery—”

Ellie looked a bit pale. “That part is done while you’re sleepin’,” Joel explained. “You won’t even realize it’s there.”

“He’s right,” the doc nodded. “But the catheter will still be inside you when you wake up. We’ll remove it a few hours after the anesthesia wears off.”

He had to give Ellie credit; she kept her facial expressions in check, but he caught the flicker of uncertainty in her eyes. “We don’ have to worry about that right now.” Joel was quick to jump in. “You’ll be real tired; you ain’t gonna notice or care when it happens.” As much as he preferred she not have this surgery at all, he didn’t want her to be afraid.

The doc took a few vials of blood and did a urine sample, which by now, Ellie was used to, then while it was in the lab, one of the nurses came in and shaved about a half an inch of hair from her head, much to the little girl’s amusement. The Cordyceps didn’t grow in just one spot, so they were able to choose a section that could be covered by a ponytail or braid later on. 

Joel was able to keep his anxiety in check for the most part, but when Ellie changed into the blue hospital gown, it suddenly became very real, the possibility of losing her. She’s gonna be the one in ten thousand allergic to anesthesia, or they’re gonna nick something they shouldn’t and paralyze her, take too much of somethin’ else an she won’ be able to talk, or eat, or breathe on her own. This new world wasn’t equipped for people who needed round the clock medical care. Of course he hoped that if the doc caused her some lifelong disability, he’d at least have the decency to provide her with the necessities to keep on living, but in reality— if somethin’ did happen to her, they’d probably just try to convince Joel to let them cut her brain out. Maybe that was their plan all along…”

A small hand came to rest on his watch arm. “I’ll be ok,” she said. “I can handle it. It makes me feel better to be useful, like at least all the bad stuff was for something.”

Like a child being forced to kill for survival then brutalized by a group of hunters could ever be for anything. In Joel’s mind, her suffering was just more proof of humanity’s inherent evilness. Let her think what she likes. She’s had enough of her innocence stolen. “I know, baby girl,” he sighed. 

Marlene came down to the surgery floor to see Ellie off, and the doc came out to collect her himself. “You’re doing a good thing,” the woman told Ellie. “Your mother would be proud.” Irritation stirred in Joel’s chest, the deliberate manipulation of her emotions upsetting him almost as much as the act itself. Ellie gave Marlene an awkward smile that looked more like a grimace and Joel wondered not for the first time if she was mad at Marlene for ditching her in Boston. They certainly had seemed closer in the QZ; he remembered dodging Ellie’s knife just for trying to help the woman stand.

Ellie wrapped her arms around his neck and lifted her feet off the ground to destabilize him. He half-grunted, half-chuckled at her silliness, her weight bending him over. He caught her around the waist and set her down. “Are you sure about this, kiddo?” 

“Psh. I’m fine,” she snorted, “It’ll be over in a couple hours, then you’ll see there was no reason to be so worried.”

“Go on then,” he nodded his acceptance. There was no changing her mind now. When the doc took her away, Marlene stayed in the room with him for a few minutes. “When did you lose Tess?” she asked finally.

Joel leaned back against the yellowing counter top in the surgery hall. “Capital building, back in Boston.”

“Shit,” she acknowledged, then went quiet. When she spoke again, it was compassionate but also imploring. “I’m doing my best, you know. Jerry and I fought like hell about it when you two first arrived— That infection saved her life, bought us some time for him to see reason.” Jerry was Doctor Anderson’s first name. “He’s been consulting with another surgeon on the case. That’s where he got the idea for the biopsy.”

“Ellie ain’t a case; she’s a little girl.” A little girl who could get away with fanciful thinking, but Marlene was an adult, a hardened survivor; he resented her suggestion that being raped and almost dying was a positive development, or had somehow done Ellie good. She wouldn’t be sayin’ that if she’d had to witness it.

“There’s a clothing room on the third floor, left wing. You can go there to pass the time if you want, pick out some things for Ellie, for yourself. She could probably use some new shoes— And I noticed she hasn’t been wearing a bra so you might want to grab a few of those. I can come with you if you’re not sure—”

Joel held up a hand. “I’ll figure it out,” he said. He could take the hint. Go somewhere else. Stop puttering. “But I swear to God— Anything happens to her in that operating room— anything at all— I won’t hesitate to put a bullet through that doctor’s brain.” 

“Understood.” Marlene showed him her palms in surrender. “Loud and clear, Joel.”

The clothing room was exactly where the woman said it would be, tucked in the corner of the left wing, which judging by the signs, used to be a maternity ward. When Joel poked his head in the room, there was someone already in there. He could tell she was a kid, in that same awkward in between stage as Ellie, but unlike Ellie, she had some weight on her, muscle. She looked healthy and well taken care of and she wore her blond hair in a neat, braided ponytail. 

The girl startled when she saw him.

“I can come back later,” Joel offered, keeping his tone gentle; he didn’t want to scare her. He felt the weight of the gun on his hip more keenly in her presence. This girl didn’t look like she’d spent a day of her life on the Outside. 

“No— it’s ok,” she said, face slipping into a tentative smile. “I’m just organizing some of the new stuff.”

“Right,” he said, then looked around the room. “Got any idea where I can find teenage girl clothes?”

The girl motioned for him to follow her deeper in the room, then she pulled a couple laundry baskets full of folded items out from under a table. “You’re the one traveling with the immune girl, aren’t you?” she asked, as if suddenly realizing who he was.

He narrowed his eyes at her. How common knowledge was Ellie’s presence in this place? 

“I’m Abby Anderson,” she said. “Doctor Anderson’s daughter.”

That made sense and he felt his suspicion fading just as quickly as it had appeared. He could see the resemblance now. 

“What size is she?” Abby changed topics, laying a few things out on the table.

“Small or extra small, dependin’. She likes sweatpants, t-shirts, sweaters, comfy shit. She’s gonna need some shoes too if you’ve got ‘em.”

The girl cocked her head toward the laundry baskets. “Why don’t you look for clothes and I’ll look for shoes. What size does she wear for sneakers?”

“Six or seven I’d say.” Joel got to work combing through the items. He didn’t want to take too much. She already had a few new things that were brought to her and though he had a bit of extra room in his backpack, they couldn’t carry a whole lot. He wound up with one other pair of sweatpants to go with her navy ones, black like the pair from the warehouse, but much smaller, Brooklyn written down the side in white lettering. He took another tank top, two sweatshirts, one new t-shirt, and a couple training bras that were in a section that appeared to be for younger girls. Joel didn’t think Ellie needed to wear a bra right now if she didn’t want to. She had one, and she’d worn it before Colorado, but the white fabric was dirty, blood-stained, and itchy from months of constant wear, and she was a couple sizes smaller now— But he figured he’d give her the option just in case. 

There was a brand new five pack of underwear, the kind you used to be able to find at Walmart or Target, so he grabbed her that too. By the time he was done sorting through it all, Abby had come back with three pairs of sneakers. “Pink, blue, or black?” she asked, laying them out in front of him.

“I’d say black,” he told her, holding back a chuckle as he pictured Ellie’s face if he presented her with a pair of hot pink running shoes. Joel grabbed himself a few things while he was there, a pair of jeans, a belt, boxers and a couple shirts, and by the time he was done, he had a good little collection going. They could finally get rid of some of the old shit— those goddamn uncomfortable jeans poor Ellie had been forced to wear for so long. 

Abby smiled at him as he turned to go. “It was nice to meet you— er—”

“Joel,” he introduced himself as she reached out to shake his hand. He took hers and shook it lightly. It had been years since anyone had tried to shake his hand; it was a dying custom. 

“Joel, right. Good luck with… everything I guess.” 

“Thanks for the help,” he nodded, then went back to Ellie’s room to put away the clothes before heading toward the surgery hall. The waiting area was empty by the time he arrived, but he heard the slow beep of a monitor in the other room. Two more painful hours to go. 

Chapter Text

Ellie was woozy and her head felt heavy, like it was full of rocks. She blinked, blinked again, then opened her eyes to a brightly lit room. 

Ouch—fuck. Pain sliced through her skull and caused a wave of motion sickness, bright spots dancing in front of her face. She closed her eyes again with a groan, trying to bring her hand up to block out the light, but that felt heavy too. It fell and smacked her in the throat.

“Careful, kiddo.” Someone’s voice echoed, the sound reverberating off the walls. A bigger hand returned her arm to its spot by her side. “Don’t rush things now.”

I don’t feel good, she tried to say, but no sound came out. Ellie tried again, “Don’t’f—good.” That one was definitely out loud, but she couldn’t get her lips to work right and the words slurred together. Nausea rose in her belly, bile gurgling up into her chest, her throat—She was gonna puke— Ellie tried to roll over, but the momentum wasn’t there, puke spurting up out of her mouth and nose, burning through her sinuses. She started to cough, the sour liquid cutting off her breathing, but someone rolled her on her side as she finished spewing, whispering soothing words and stroking her hair. “You’re ok baby girl—”

No—No—No—I’m not fucking ok. Ellie fought her way out of his grasp, then sat up. But her head was still so heavy and the world spun around her— she couldn’t stay upright. She leaned forward, her face pressing into the sheets at the end of the bed. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks, soaking into the fabric. What the fuck— she let out a closed-mouth cry. There were bandages on her head and a weird pressure between her legs—itching—

“Ellie— honey— Don’t cry; everything’s gonna be ok. Sit up for me now,” Someone—Joel— said, hoisting her up by her armpits. 

“I have to pee,” she said. The words came out clearer, tears marring her vision again, her tone soft but urgent. “Joel, I really have to pee.” He wrestled her back into a horizontal position, on her side this time, and wiped the puke off her mouth and nose with his sleeve. “You can’t pee, kiddo. Remember, you’ve got the catheter in. It’s doin’ all the work for you.” 

Ellie made a small, non-committal noise in response.

“Why don’t you try to get some more rest?” he suggested. He was right; she was too groggy to be awake. Ellie closed her eyes.

The next time she woke up was when a nurse came into the room to check on her. Ellie didn’t know any of the nurses names; usually Doctor Anderson came to talk to her himself, but she figured he must be studying whatever it was he’d taken out of her brain. She wasn’t sure if there was a time limit, like how germs eventually died if they weren’t attached to a host. Joel didn’t fight with her when she tried to sit up this time. Instead, he helped her scooch back and propped her up with a pillow.

“Hi Ellie, how are you feeling?” the nurse asked. She was a thin blonde woman, probably close to Marlene’s age, with a large mole on the side of her face.

“I don’t know. My head feels…” Ellie trailed off. She couldn’t think of the right words.

Joel cleared his throat. “She woke up about an hour ago and puked all over herself, but she went back to sleep and she’s been sleepin’ ever since.” There was still dried bits of puke stuck to the hospital gown and to Joel’s jeans, even though it looked like he’d cleaned most of it off the floor. 

“That’s a common side effect of the anesthesia; the nausea should pass...” She moved Ellie’s head bandages to check underneath. “Looks like you’re healing just fine so far. I came to take the catheter out if that’s alright— Doctor Anderson said you might prefer a woman.” 

Ellie snorted. What the fuck does it even matter anymore? That wasn’t true; it did matter. She didn’t even like when Doctor Anderson listened to her heart beat, or the time he pressed on her lower belly. It was bad enough he’d examined her while she was asleep, so she’d probably hate him sticking his fingers up in there while she was awake. 

“Your dad might want to step out for this part,” the nurse added. Ellie just shrugged. She didn’t give two shits about that, as Joel would say. He’d seen her naked like fifty-thousand times in the past few weeks. It wasn’t embarrassing anymore, and maybe it was cheesy but she trusted him; she liked having him near. If he was there glaring over her shoulder, nobody would do anything more than what was strictly necessary. “I don’t care,” she said. 

“I’ll just stay sittin’ like this,” he reassured the nurse, his body angled so he was facing her upper half.

The woman gave him a weird look but conceded. “Alright then— Put your feet together for me Ellie,” she instructed. “—And scoot your bum down a bit.” Ellie did as she was told, squeezing her eyes shut. It made her heart race and her adrenaline and fear instincts kick in to be laying there with her legs open, exposed to the room. It’s just one lady, she tried to reassure herself. Joel kept silent as the woman detached the bag thing from her inner thigh, but she startled a bit when she felt cold fingers prying between her legs, and he put a hand on her shoulder to steady her. 

It felt…weird. She was glad when it was over. As soon as the catheter was out, Ellie pulled her legs inside the blue hospital gown and rolled onto her side. Joel turned back around and tucked the blanket over her, petting her hair bandages— her cheeks—her eyes. He didn’t say it but she knew he was trying to get her to fall back asleep. It wasn’t a difficult ask. Her head felt weighted to the pillow, like an anchor sinking deeper and deeper until she was back in the abyss.

The sound of angry male voices woke her the third time. It took her a minute to realize that it was Joel and Doctor Anderson. “Whatever you need to say to Ellie, you can say to me first,” Joel insisted and she heard Doctor Anderson clear his throat. “All due respect, Joel— but you aren’t her father. I understand you two are very close, you’ve been through a lot together, but when it comes to Ellie’s physical wellbeing, I’d like her to hear it directly from me.”

“You just want to manipulate her into joinin’ your hopeless cause—”

Ellie groaned and rubbed her eyes. 

“Guys—” Marlene cut them off. “I think we should table this conversation,” she said, then turned her attention to Ellie. “How are you feeling?” she asked. “Do you need more pain meds?”

“Uh…” Ellie tried to sit up, but she was still a little wobbly. Everyone was looking at her so she took a few deep breaths to steady herself, then pushed back into her pillow with her feet, resting her neck on the hard plastic bed frame. Joel held and arm out and she grabbed onto it, using him as leverage to come all the way up. “There you go.” He smiled to disguise the worry lines on his face.

“How are you feeling, Ellie?” Doctor Anderson addressed her this time. 

She blinked herself back into focus. “Tired.”

Joel’s shoulders tightened beside her. “This is what I’ve been tellin’ you. She’s real out of it. She ain’t in the right frame of mind to be havin’ these big conversations.”

Ellie wanted to say she was fine, that she was ready to hear what the doctor had to say, but making that into a sentence seemed really complicated. 

Doctor Anderson ignored Joel and continued to talk to Ellie directly. “Do you know where you are?”

“Um… Salt Lake City,” she responded, leaning into her knees to keep herself upright. At least they knew she wasn’t brain dead.

“And do you know why you’re here? Do you remember what we talked about this morning?”

That was a lot of questions. Joel knelt down beside her. “Honey, if you want to rest some more, you can tell the good doctor here to fuck off and come back when you’re feelin’ better.”

A wave of defiance rose within her. “You just don’t want me to know anything,” she accused, now determined to prove to him that she was fine. “You like it when I’m sleeping so I don’t ask any questions.” Then she shifted her attention to the doctor, who appeared to be holding back his amusement. “I had a brain biopsy to see if the infection in my head can help make a cure. Did it work?”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, but like Joel said— If you’re too tired, I can come back later.” Doctor Anderson offered.

“I’m not too tired.” Ellie glared, feeling just a little bit childish. She was having trouble keeping her eyes open, but it was too late to back down now.

“Alright—We can always go over it again later if there’s anything you don’t understand.” Doctor Anderson sat down on the bed. “I’ve been in discussions with another surgeon on the case, a colleague working on Catalina Island, and with Marlene, and Joel, and everyone who cares about you and I think we’ve come up with something that will work for everybody.”

Joel grunted beside her, like he didn’t agree, but Ellie kept her face forward. She wasn’t going to dignify him with a look.

“The tissue sample we took from your brain today so far has been inconclusive. It’s identical to the strain of Cordyceps virus that we see in all other cases of infection, which leads me to believe the answers might not lie in the virus itself, but in your immune system, or more specifically your immune response.”

Ellie couldn’t do much more than nod along as he continued. “Vaccines take time; we have to isolate the variable in your body that makes your response to the virus so different from the norm, and once we do isolate it, it’s going to need extensive testing and development. Your brain, and your body alone probably won’t be enough to manufacture a cure.”

“Oh…” She turned to Joel then, who reached out and squeezed her hand. “That sucks.”

Doctor Anderson smiled. “Now, I know your bodyguard here is pretty eager to get you out of the hospital, and believe it or not, I agree with him. It won’t do us any favors to hold you here like a lab rat and I don’t think that’s fair to you. So, here’s what I’m proposing: I’d like to take some more samples from you. We won’t do another brain biopsy; I think we have what we need already in that regard. But what I would like to do is take more blood and a significant portion of bone marrow, MRI’s, PET scans, CT scans. I’d like to gather as much information as possible and take my time studying it. In the meantime, I don’t see why you and Joel can’t go back to his brother’s settlement and lay low. If we need more information in the future, we can always come find you. How does that sound?”

Ellie scrunched up her face. Joel was right; she was too tired for this. The words made sense, but together it just sounded like a bunch of medical gibberish.

“Take some time to think about it,” Marlene said, hands on her hips. “You don’t have to decide right away. You’re still healing.”

“Yeah…” she trailed off, rubbing her head as a thrumming ache settled behind her eyes.

“How about those pain meds?” Joel changed the subject. 

Doctor Anderson agreed and both he and Marlene left, promising to send a nurse with some morphine. 

“You just rest now. We can talk all about it when you’re feelin’ better,” Joel sighed. She laid back down on the bed and shut her eyes, but opened them again before she could fall asleep all the way. “Can you lay with me?” 

It still felt silly to ask, but Ellie was coming to realize that Joel liked to feel needed just as much as she liked to need him. That’s why they were perfect. His posture softened when she spoke and he moved over to the bed with her. “Course I can,” he muttered, tucking her into the curve of his elbow, his fingers running up and down her arms. He whispered gentle words to her as she drifted, his smooth drawl securing her like a baby in a blanket.

The fourth time Ellie woke up, she felt a lot more normal. Joel wasn’t in the room when she opened her eyes, but she was able to get herself out of bed to go pee all on her own. Doctor Anderson was right, it burned a little bit again, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was when she had her UTI. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror and cringed. The bandages on her head made her look sick, and there were large purple bags under her eyes, plus, even though she’d been eating, she was still too skinny, her collar and cheekbones jutting out in ways they didn’t used to.

Carefully, she peeled back the bandages to look at the spot where they did the biopsy. The scar was smaller than she expected, closed by seven neat stitches across her scalp. It was red and inflamed now, but she could tell that when it healed, it wouldn’t be noticeable under her hair. Ellie was grateful; one disfiguring scar seemed like enough for anyone. It had been nice not to have to cover her arm for a change, to not have to hide for a while.  

Joel stood in the doorway with his arms crossed when she came out of the bathroom. “Look who’s up and about,” he winked. “Thought I heard you shuffling around in here.”

“I feel loads better now,” she said. Upon further inspection, she realized that Joel was holding a bottle of orange juice and some sort of protein bar under his arm. “Is that for me?” she asked.

He handed her the treats and Ellie got to work devouring them. She was fucking starving.

“Easy now, kiddo. You don’ wanna make yourself sick,” he cautioned. Ellie rolled her eyes and took a smaller bite this time.

Joel didn’t say anything while Ellie chewed, letting her enjoy her food before they got down to business. When she was done, she set the wrapper down and rested her chin on her knees. “So, they wanna do more things to me…” she trailed off.

Joel pursed his lips. “They do. They want to take more blood, do some more scans, and the main thing is they want to take some of your bone marrow, which is the same basic concept as the brain biopsy, but it’s a long needle that goes into your hipbone, and you would be awake during the procedure. Apparently, a lot of what makes up your immune system is stored in your bones.”

“Does it hurt?” she asked.

“The doc says it ain’t comfortable, but it also ain’t life threatening.” He studied her intently, awaiting her reaction.

Ellie chewed on her thumb nail and looked away. “I told you I wouldn’t ask to do anymore procedures, so, I guess it’s up to you.”

Joel let out a long sigh and Ellie wondered what the fuck she’d said wrong this time. “What?” She crossed her arms, trying to control her facial expression.

“Hey—hey—hey— There’s no need for that. I ain’t mad at you, but I have been doin’ some thinkin’…”

She waited for him to find his words.

He tilted her chin up so their eyes met. “Look— I’m not sayin’ I’m gonna let them take out your brain, or otherwise maim you for a cure—I ain’t. But I do realize that you’ve had a lot of important choices taken away from you in the last little while an’ I don’ want you to feel like I’m takin’ more of ‘em—” 

“Joel—” she whined. “I don’t wanna talk about this.” A horrible knot took hold in the pit of her stomach. Why does he have to fucking bring this up all the time? 

“We ain’t talkin’ about nothin’. All I’m sayin’ is, I don’t wanna make you feel like you have no control over what happens to your own body.”

Ellie let out a shaky breath, rubbing her legs to keep her mind from wandering. As irritating as it was that Joel wanted her to talk about the chalet incident all the time, when she really listened to what he was saying it became clear that he was doing it out of love, and nobody had ever loved her like this before. That left a warm glow in her belly that loosened the knot just a little bit. He didn’t want her to do any of these procedures, but he cared about her and respected her enough to let her choose, even though most of the time now she acted like a baby around him, or yelled at him for no reason. 

“Thanks.” She shot him a small smile and stuck her foot out to poke his thigh with her toes.

He caught her ankle and it looked like he was about to tickle her, but he held back with a smirk. “You’re lucky you just had brain surgery little lady.”

Chapter Text

Over half a week and one giant, painful fucking needle in her ass later, and Ellie and Joel were packing to leave. She had to roll some of her new clothes into Joel’s backpack because she had more than him now, and while she was rifling around in there, she found not just a couple, but close to fifteen small bottles of Ceftriaxone, some Penicillin, needles and syringes, a bunch of whatever Diphenhydramine was, a couple packets of Pseudoephedrine pills, and a large tub of cream labeled, Clotrimazole. Leave it to Joel to steal an entire pharmacy worth of supplies; he probably wouldn’t even deny it if Doctor Anderson asked.

Joel had made the right call on all the sweatpants; her lower back was still tender from the bone marrow aspiration even though she no longer had to lay on her belly all the time. For the road, she dressed in her black Brooklyn sweatpants and a purple, plaid flannel with a tank top underneath. She was freshly showered with clean underwear and socks, and Joel even did her hair in a braid, which covered the healing scar along her scalp. They had deodorant. This was a kind of luxury that Ellie had never experienced before. 

Even in Boston, they didn’t bathe as often as she was allowed to at the Firefly hospital, and when they did, it was large, dirty, communal showers with dozens of other girls. Part of the military school used to be a swimming pool, so they used the locker rooms for bathing and the empty pools for drills.  Except all the fun stuff was removed, the slides and decorations replaced by scaffolding, drawings of cartoon animals on the walls covered up with layer upon layer of army green.  

She put the safety on her gun and stuffed it in her pocket just as a knock sounded at the door. Marlene poked her head into Ellie’s hospital room. “Mind if I come in?”

Ellie nodded. There was a tension in the air now whenever Marlene was around, something she’d noticed ever since she woke up in the strange new place. Joel kept asking her if she was mad at the Firefly leader, but she wasn’t. She understood why the woman had her smuggled out of the QZ, and she didn’t hold it against her. The only other option for someone like Ellie in a quarantine zone was to be shot in the head. And there was also the fact that she never would’ve met Joel if Marlene had decided to transport her some other way. The problem wasn’t that Ellie felt abandoned, it was that she didn’t need Marlene like she used to. Back in Boston, she would’ve licked scraps of affection off the woman’s shoes and then thanked her for it. Marlene barely gave her the time of day back then, and Ellie still would’ve died for her.

Now she knew what parents were supposed to be like. Maybe Joel was an extreme example, because he was so over the top, overcompensating because of Sarah, or whatever made him the way he was, but Marlene’s mediocre care for her wellbeing didn’t even hold a candle to the unconditional love and sacrifice Joel gave her every day. Sometimes it felt like she couldn’t breathe if he wasn’t with her.

“You’re starting to look healthier,” Marlene smiled, approaching the bed where Ellie was sorting through the backpack pile. Joel was talking with whoever was supposed to be escorting them to Jackson. It was one of the first times he’d left her side for more than a few minutes since they’d arrived in Salt Lake City.

She smiled back. “Thanks.” Ellie credited the endless supply of sandwiches, protein bars, and cow’s milk, something she’d never had before now. They sometimes got the powdered shit in the QZ, but the fresh stuff was thick and full of fat; it tasted nothing like what she remembered from her school days. 

The other woman sat down across from her, her expression hard to read. “Ellie— I wanted to talk to you before you go. We haven’t had much chance to…” She trailed off then sighed, like she was regrouping her thoughts. Everyone seemed to watch what they said around her nowadays. Ellie didn’t know whether to be annoyed or grateful. “I know I haven’t always been there for you in the way I should’ve been. I wasn’t there for you when you got infected…” Ellie cringed and tried not to remember the slump of Riley’s body beside her, or the barrel of Marlene’s gun pointed at her head. “You have Joel now and I’m happy for you— For both of you. I don’t even recognize the smuggler that I knew in Boston. The way he cares for you is really special, something not all of us are lucky enough to find.” 

“I know.” She ducked her head. “And it’s ok.”

“I just want to make sure you’re not putting all your eggs in one basket here… relying too much on one person for happiness.” Ellie frowned, but didn’t say anything, curious where Marlene was going with this. “We never really talked about what happened to you in Colorado. Of course, I knew… With the state you arrived in, it wasn’t exactly a mystery…Joel explained the rest. Once I knew the truth, I should’ve made a point to talk to you about it, woman to woman.” 

Ellie tried to hide the full body shiver than ran through her, the empty nausea churning in her gut, like her insides were being scooped out and laid bare in front of her on the bed. She was backed into a corner. With Joel she could whine and complain, and cover her ears, and he couldn't stand to see her upset so he would shut up, but Marlene expected maturity from her; she wouldn’t be dissuaded by a glare or a hasty change of topic. She stayed quiet, brows pinched, concentrating hard on her feet.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. These things take time and dealing with them is a process…as I’m sure you know. Which brings me back to Joel—”

She looked up, still confused and fighting to stay in focus.

“— You need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. It’s nice that he wants to do it for you, but sometimes you need to be the strong one. You need to be resilient all on your own. That’s the only way you’re going to get through this.”

“I am— I’m trying to be,” Ellie protested, using defensiveness to control the quaver in her voice. Who is she to tell me how to deal with this? She wasn’t fucking there. She didn’t SEE. She doesn’t KNOW. As far as Ellie was concerned, she was taking care of herself. Yeah…Joel coddled her a lot now, but she barely ever let him talk about it with her, and the one time she had was his fault. He pushed her so hard she snapped—And even that was mostly just Ellie crying and snotting all over his shirt. But she didn’t want to explain all that to Marlene. Just let her say whatever she wants to say… 

Marlene kept talking, oblivious to her inner turmoil. “I know you are—You’ve always had a spark in you Ellie, a bravery, or a stubbornness maybe— more than most people your age. It’s hard to describe. You remind me so much of your mother when she was younger.”

“Why are you telling me this—?” she tried to ask, but Marlene held up a hand to stop her. “Because I’m scared that if I don’t, then history is going to end up repeating itself.”

“What?” Ellie asked, momentarily dumbfounded. “What’re you talking about?”

The woman sighed and closed her eyes. “Look— Joel asked me not to tell you this, so, forgive me if I’m out of line; maybe it’ll do more harm than good, but I feel like you have a right to know. It’s part of who you are, who your mother was…And I think if Anna were here, she’d tell you the same thing.”

Joel told her not to tell me? What the fuck? She did NOT like where this was going. Her teeth started to chatter, not from cold but from anxiety, the anticipation of pain.

“Ellie, the year before she died, you mother was a nurse in a triage camp just North of the QZ. They would process people for entry into Boston, scan them, tend to their injuries. It was mostly for returning soldiers, or FEDRA officials from out of state.”

“Ok…” Ellie said, trying not to have, I’m so fucking confused right now, written all over her face. 

Marlene shot her a small, comforting smile that could’ve been mistaken for a grimace. “She met a Private there named Walter Mackenzie; she was twenty-two at the time and he was probably— Joel’s age— late forties early fifties, but he was new to the military, a bit drunk on his own power. This wasn’t too far into the outbreak, only about five years; people were still testing their limits, trying to see what they could get away with. This Pvt. Mackenzie wanted your mother, so one night, he snuck into her tent and took her at gunpoint. He held her at a nearby base, and over the course of a few days, he raped her multiple times.”

“Oh.” She heard herself squeak, that awful word stabbing through her, twisting between her ribs. It took her a second before she caught up to what Marlene was actually saying. When she did, she was left too stunned to speak, her mouth hung open in shock.

The woman either didn’t know how to deal with Ellie’s reaction to her story, or she was too focused on the retelling to stop, because she kept going. “Now, the point of me telling you that isn’t to upset you. I wanted to talk about you and Joel—”

What the fuck does this have anything to do with me and Joel!? She wanted to ask that, but she couldn’t.

“After she escaped, Anna became so depressed… so withdrawn. She quit her job, she isolated herself from everyone around her, and I tried to bring her back— I tried to be there for her— I found her a new job, but every time I tried to help, it just seemed to make things worse, like me interfering on her behalf was pulling her further into the dark hole she was in.”

One of Ellie’s fingernails started to bleed and she realized she’d chewed it down to a nub. She squeezed it just to watch the blood pool on her skin.

“Things didn’t change until she found out she was pregnant,” Marlene continued. 

…That part hadn’t clicked until now. The soldier who raped her mother, was her father. Ellie felt sick; worse than when she was coming down from the anesthesia. She glanced at the door, then back at Marlene.

“Easy now, baby girl”— she heard Joel’s voice in her head— “I’ll be back soon. All you have to do is lay there and take it; you’re good at that.” —NO— Joel would never say that to her. This was fucking great. She was so stressed out that she was actually hallucinating.

“Ellie, are you alright?” Marlene tried to put a hand on her arm. 

She flinched, hard— but then quickly regained composure. “Sorry,” she whispered. “Yeah, I’m fine.” What else am I supposed to say to that?

The woman cleared her throat. “Anyways… Once Anna realized she was pregnant, she was able to focus on that, to focus on you. She was never good with kids, and she was terrified of infants, but you gave her something to look forward to. She was hoping you’d be a girl.”

Yeah, so I wouldn’t look like her RAPIST, Ellie wanted to scream.

“Do you understand what I’m saying?” Marlene asked. 

No. “Kind of…” she trailed off.

“I’m saying that Joel can’t be the one to pull you out of this. It won’t work. No matter how much he loves you, the only person who’s going to make you feel better in the end is yourself. You have to find one thing and focus on it, until you find new joy, and new hope.” 

Ellie had already received this exact advice from Joel and somehow he’d managed to deliver it without completely traumatizing her in the process. Well… not any more than she already was. She didn’t know Anna Williams; she only knew like three things about her. But Ellie knew one thing for sure; she wouldn’t want David’s baby, or James’, or whatever the other guy’s name was. She would rather die— and her mother did die, a day after having her—so there you go. 

Marlene frowned. “Do you think you can try to do that? In your mother’s memory?” 

“I can try,” she swallowed, the response automatic. She was counting seconds now.

Joel didn’t knock when he returned to the room, he just opened the door, a shit eating grin on his face, which he lost as soon as he saw her face. She must look really bad.

Marlene appeared uncomfortable now, angling her body away from the entrance. She didn’t linger, probably because she knew Joel would be upset. She pulled Ellie into a quick hug and said, “I'm sorry. I hope that wasn't too much for you." Then she pulled back and put her hands on Ellie's shoulders. "Stay strong, kiddo. We’ll be in touch." After that, she nodded to Joel and skirted around him toward the door. 

Too much for me? Not at all. What the fuck? How could she just drop that bombshell on her and leave? Ellie was left with a lump the size of Texas in her throat, her body rocking back and forth in a slow, steady motion. 

“What in the HELL was that about?” Joel demanded. “What did she say to you?”  

She wanted to bury her face into his neck and cry, to tell him everything and watch as he got righteously angry on her behalf, but she was equal parts relieved and infuriated by his presence. He already knew about all this and he didn’t say anything. He had no right to decide what she should and shouldn’t know about HER family. It wasn’t fair. But at the same time, the fact that he hid it from her made her love him even more. This is what dads do—Not evil rapists who get people pregnant for no reason—dads. They protect you from stuff. He was just trying to protect me. Ellie wished she could go back to not knowing. 

“Joel?” she said after long moments, her voice small and distant.

“Tell me what’s got you so upset," he encouraged, keeping his tone calm on purpose, but his arms were stiff and he wasn’t making eye contact with her.

She hesitated, then took a deep breath. “There’s like… no way I could get pregnant from what happened, right?” 

Joel’s face contorted with surprise at her question, his jaw falling slack. “Uhh…” he trailed off.

She never brought it up on purpose, that was probably why he was acting like she’d just shot him in the chest. 

“Joel—” she pushed. She needed him to answer.

He shook himself out of his daze, then his brows furrowed and he softened his voice even more. “No, baby girl. It ain’t possible. Your body ain’t ready for that yet.”

Ellie wasn’t convinced. “Are you sure?” 

“I’m sure,” he confirmed, more confidently this time. “The doc ran a pregnancy test every time he did your bloodwork, and every time he took a pee sample since we got here, just in case— an’ the blood tests show up real early.”

“I thought you said it wasn’t possible. If it wasn’t possible, why were they testing me for it?” She shot him a confused glare. 

He sighed. “Well, you ain’t been gettin’ your monthlies— Thas’ supposed to mean you can’t get pregnant, but when we got here the doc explained that because of your age, it might be that you have the right hormones, like you shoulda got it already but haven’t due to bein’ on the road, or not eatin’ or whatever— I don’ know; it’s some complicated medical shit. What I’m tryin’ to say is, it was a very small possibility, but now we know one hundred percent that you ain’t pregnant.” 

“Nobody ever tells me anything,” she lamented, pulling away from him to scowl at the bed. “Why would Ellie need to know anything about what’s happening in her own body?” she parroted his words from the other day.

He looked stricken. “I didn’t know you were worryin’ about that, Ellie. I’m sorry. I woulda told you sooner— I jus’ didn’t wanna put the idea in your head if it wasn’t already there.”

“I wasn’t worrying about it!” she half screamed, a rush of anger numbing her finger tips. “Let’s just fucking go. I want to get out of here.” She felt like a caged animal, her mind still held hostage by her conversation with Marlene. Joel rubbed his forehead and stayed kneeling on the floor where she left him. She felt a brief twinge of guilt for getting so mad, but she was still too upset to do anything about it. “Please, can we just go?” she growled again, and this time he got up and started checking over their bags.

She needed him to fight with her. She needed to get all the bad feelings bubbling under the surface out in the open, but he wasn’t giving her that. He was being so nice and as usual, Ellie was the bitch. She was born unwanted, and pretty soon, something she did would make Joel not want her either. One day he would realize that she wasn't his sweet, innocent baby girl like Sarah was. She was born from hate, a twisted, evil creature who couldn't even stop herself from ending up just like her mother...

Fuck. She couldn't breathe in here. 

Chapter Text

If only Ellie would quit fidgeting and go to sleep. She was sprawled across the back seat of the moving jeep, and right now her legs were in his lap, but about five seconds ago, she’d been on her belly with her face hanging off the seat. Five seconds before that, she’d had her nose pressed up against the window. Reasonably, he knew that she wasn’t tryin’ to annoy the shit out of him; movement was one of the ways she coped with stress.

In the old world they would’ve diagnosed her with ADHD and pumped her full of meds—which Joel also didn’t want, but even though he understood it, the constant shifting was irritating as hell. He’d been forced to take her gun in the first hour of their trip lest she set it off by accident in the middle of all her wigglin’. 

He didn’t think she was stressed about the whole pregnancy-test debacle, or that she had ever truly been stressed about that in the first place. Maybe Joel gave himself too much credit, but he was sure that if she’d been worryin’ about it before this morning, he’d’ve picked up on it somehow. Back when the rape first occurred, their conversation about pregnancy had been real neat-an-tidy: no period meant no babies. There had never been any reason for her to doubt. Just like he was sure she didn’t have a clue about diseases like gonorrhea, herpes, HIV, syphilis— so she never thought to ask about them.

Joel had a few good guesses as to what might be unsettling her so much, and he had half a mind to demand this stoic son-of-a-bitch Isaac turn around so he could go back to that hospital and wring Marlene’s neck. The woman had a remarkable inability to read the room. She treated Ellie like an adult— which to an extent he also understood. Ellie could fool you for a while into thinking she was real mature for her age, that she could handle shit all by herself, and Marlene hadn’t been around her enough to know any different. But if you spent enough time with Ellie, it was obvious that she was still a little girl— albeit a little girl with adult problems.

He was getting better at reading her though. When she wanted to make herself laugh, she did silly things to get his attention. She would play infected on his arm, shove her feet in his face, lay with her head on the wrong end of the bed, tell him to please not tickle her— games that were below her age level, but always got her giggling. On the other hand, Glassy, distant eyes, nail biting, hiding her face, and rubbing her legs: those were all signs that Ellie was thinkin’ about Colorado. Right now, she was doin’ a little bit of both. 

“Are you sure Tommy’ll be ok with us moving into his town?” Ellie asked, kicking off him so that she could squish herself into the corner of her seat. It was like she couldn’t quite decide if she wanted to be close to him or not. 

Joel leaned back and closed his eyes. “Yep—I’m sure.”

“How do you know?” she pressed.

Joel let out his breath, lips curving up into a smirk. “He’s Tommy. He’d forgive a tornado for tearin’ down his house. He ain’t gonna turn me away, an’ he certainly ain’t gonna say no to an innocent child.” He wouldn’t’ve been so cocky about it before their last visit, but now it was clear that even after all these years of distance and separation, his baby brother hadn’t changed. 

“I’m not an innocent child though,” Ellie grumbled. She must’ve decided she wanted to be close to him again because she pressed her ear into his thigh facing the front console. He opened his eyes so he could smooth her hair down the way she liked. “Sure you ain’t,” he placated. “But you go on an’ tell Tommy that; you tell him ALL the things that make you supposedly, ‘not innocent,’ an’ I guarantee he won’t just let you into his town— He’ll make you a bed in his damn livin’ room.” 

Ellie stiffened, then lowered her voice. “Do we have to tell him everything?”

“Not if you don’ want to, honey,” he reassured. “All my brother needs to know is that you and I are comin’ to stay and that we’re family now. Might be a good idea to let him know about the Fireflies, so he ain’t surprised if they show up at his gate, but anything else is up to you.”

“Kay good,” she exhaled, still facing away from him. “I’m sorry for getting mad at you earlier.”

“Tcht. It’s already forgiven— Don’t suppose you wanna tell me what happened?” Joel tried his luck, latching on to her small moment of clarity. 

She shook her head. 

Joel curbed a sigh, losing himself in thought as the silence dragged on. When Sarah was a little girl, she used to worry about certain things; she didn’t like goin’ to the dentist, or standing in line at the bank, an’ she hated the big fuzzy Bernstein Bear, or was it Bear in the Big Blue House? Joel couldn’t remember now. She had some separation anxiety for a while after Erin left them, didn’t want to go anywhere without Joel or Tommy, but she got over that. 

As she got older, her worries got a little bit bigger. He remembered nights where she would crawl into his bed after a long day’s work and ask things like, “Daddy, why does Hayden like Kinsley and not me?,” or “Where do you think Mrs. Hammond’s baby went after it died?” She got upset about normal kid stuff, like doing bad on a test and havin’ to bring it home to get signed, or havin’ to sleep on Uncle Tommy’s old sofa bed cos daddy worked too late the night before and forgot to come get her. Things like that still left him with a dull, aching guilt if he thought about them too hard.

Still, they were kid worries, little things that he remembered, but if his daughter had grown up the way she should’ve, they probably would’ve faded into the background and been replaced by ones that were more important. Joel knew how to parent through the little things. Even most of those bigger worries could be solved with a whiskery kiss and a, “you’re too smart for Hayden anyways,” or a hastily thrown together talk about heaven—At most, they would require an apology and the promise of the chance to pick out a new band poster after school. 

Joel would never in a million years wish his little girl gone— Even after twenty years, not a day went by that he didn’t yearn for her— But he couldn’t help but remember those blue eyes glaring up at him for safety, that scared little voice whispering, “Daddy, those people are on fire…” Sometimes he wondered if she wasn’t better off where she was, if the world would’ve been crueler to her had she lived—If she could’ve handled it. He wondered that every time he saw this glassy-eyed, dead look on Ellie’s face.

“You’re a real good kid, you know that?” Joel prodded, still playing with her hair. “That don’t change just cos you get mad sometimes.” As usual, his words had the exact opposite of their desired affect. Ellie let out a huff and sat up on the seat, scooting away from him. She rested her chin on the ledge of the window, curled herself into to ball, and stared quietly at the highway outside. 

Good job, Joel. 

The unnecessary armed guard provided by Marlene got them to Wyoming in record time. Joel supposed he should be grateful, but he woulda preferred takin’ Ellie in a car by themselves—She might’ve opened up more, gotten out some of whatever was stewing inside her before they hit Jackson. Truth be told, Joel was slightly apprehensive about integrating Ellie into a town setting, didn’t know how she’d do in crowds, whether her survival instincts would kick in at inopportune times. Hell, Joel struggled with some of that stuff himself let alone bein’ fourteen, which reminded him… she couldn’t be that far off from fifteen by now— he ought to ask her about it.

After a few good hours of navigating the area and a hasty, “good luck with that,” from the dude driving their jeep—Isaac— who’d just witnessed Ellie attempt to entertain herself in a moving vehicle for the entire day, the pair of them were finally within walking distance from the dam, the only entrance to the town he was familiar with. 

Joel handed Ellie back her Beretta and she stuck it in her pocket, shifting her backpack into a comfortable position on her shoulders. “Ready to go, kiddo?” he asked. 

She kicked her shoes into the ground and nodded. “You’re not gonna try and leave me with Tommy again, right?”

“Dammit! You figured it out—” He feigned surprise, dodging Ellie’s fist as she tried to slam it into his shoulder. “Joel that’s not funny!” He couldn’t tell for sure if she was kidding around or not, worry lines forming between her eyes, so when she settled down, he pulled her into his side and planted a kiss in her hair. “Of course I ain’t leavin’ you,” he admonished. “You’re stuck with me for good now.” 

That coaxed a laugh out of her. 

There were two guards with big ass guns posted at the entrance to the dam, the same gate they’d approached the first time, only these two were definitely not Tommy and Maria. One of the guards shouted something to the other when they spotted them. 

Ellie was walking a few steps ahead of him, and as they moved closer, Joel caught up to her and slung his arm across her body, dragging her backward into his chest. “Stay close. We don’ know for sure everything’s the same as it was in the fall.” 

Joel didn’t draw a weapon, and he made sure Ellie kept hers to herself as well; he didn’t want some trigger happy asshole to get nervous. If Tommy was still runnin’ the place, he couldn’t imagine there’d be a shoot-on-sight policy; his brother was a whole lot nicer than he was. Still, he aired on the side of caution as the guard on the left shouted down at them. “Stop right there! Drop your guns!”

“I’m not dropping my fucking gun—” Ellie started to shout, but Joel put a hand over her mouth to muffle her and shrugged the weapons off his shoulder.

“Jesus fuck Ellie—” he swore as she bit his hand, “Relax girl—Just keep it in your pocket then.” The guards made no more move to speak, so Joel raised his arm and waved. “We’re lookin’ for Tommy or Maria!” he called. “You wanna tell ‘em Joel and Ellie are here?” 

“Oh, you’re looking for Tommy or Maria— Well in that case just come on in—” The second guard yelled, his tone laced with sarcasm. Joel resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Look— You get Tommy on your walkie talkie an’ let him know it’s his big brother at the gate, an’ just see how fast he comes runnin,” he bargained.

“Does Tommy have a brother?” The guard shouted at his partner.

“I don’t fuckin’ know!” he responded, then raised the walkie to his mouth. Joel couldn’t hear what he said after that, but he did hear Ellie snort beside him. “Assholes,” she said.

It took a good five minutes of back and forth, and a good twenty after they were let through the main gate for Tommy to appear. “My God—” he called from a few yards away. Then Ellie was flung back and Tommy was hugging him, and damn— it was good to lay eyes on him again. “Didn’t know if I was gonna see you again,” he said, stepping back. “Shoulda guessed though—ain’t nothin’ can kill you.”

“You’d be surprised,” he chuckled, then reached out for Ellie’s hand. She latched onto him with an iron grip, her nails digging into his palm. Tommy’s gaze fell to his little shadow, like he’d just realized she was there too. “Hey kiddo— Didn’t expect to see you again either.” He shot Joel a curious, almost amused look, but it didn’t seem like he was gonna push.

Ellie was playing shy— her lips pursed, half her body hidden behind his back. Oh yeah, this was gonna be interesting. Tommy frowned as he took in her withdrawn appearance, the bruising exhaustion under her eyes, the weight she’d lost in the past several months. Considerin’ the last time they were here, the girl had spent most of her time swearin’, stealin’, and shootin’ her mouth off, Joel was sure the change was somewhat startling. “Why don’ we go somewhere a little more private?” his brother suggested, gentling his voice.

Tommy led them into the same room they’d argued in last fall just before the raid. As he closed the door behind him, Tommy’s walkie sounded, Maria’s voice coming through on the other end. “Did I hear Neil alright? Is your brother back in town?”

Tommy smirked and held the speaker up to his lips. “You heard ‘im alright. Got Joel and Ellie here in the control room.” 

“Don’t you get anymore grand fucking ideas—” she threatened. “I swear to God Tommy—”

“Easy now,” Tommy drawled. “We’re just talkin’, and somehow I don’ think that’s gonna be an issue this time around.” He eyed the pair of them. Ellie seemed to relax more as she listened to his brother talk. If Joel had to guess, he thought maybe the familiar, Southern twang in Tommy’s voice calmed her a little. “I’ll see you in a bit,” he said, then clipped the walkie back onto his belt.

Joel sat down, and Ellie took the spot beside him, bringing her knees up to her chest. He sighed and reached over. “Gimme that,” he said, removing the gun from her pocket.

She shot him a fierce glare. “The safety’s on.”

“Yeah well— We don’ need to test it.”

His brother eyed them with the same curious amusement as before. “I’m really hopin’ you two ain’t here just to drag more Firefly information outta me.” 

“Naw, baby brother— We found the Fireflies,” Joel drawled. “In fact, Ellie here is just gettin’ over a little brain surgery.” He put a hand on her knee.

Tommy’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. He proceeded into an explanation of events starting just before they arrived in Utah. He left out anything he thought Ellie might not want him to share, but it didn’t seem to matter. She tried to hide it, but Joel could tell her mind was somewhere else.

When he was done, Tommy slapped his knees and grinned. “So you’re here to stay then? Both of you?”

Ellie was startled out of her daze by the sound. “Is that ok?” she asked, speaking directly to Tommy for the first time since they’d arrived.

“Are you kiddin’? Of course it’s ok— How old are you, Ellie?” he questioned. Joel could tell his brother was seizing the opportunity to get her talkin’. He’d always been good with kids, good with people in general, and he figured Tommy was intuitive enough to see where this was goin’, that they were a package deal now. “Twelve? Thirteen?”

“Fourteen,” Ellie replied. “I’ll be fifteen in the summer.”

Joel had to give his brother credit, he did a decent job masking his surprise. “Right. Well, you’re a bit old for the little school we’ve got in town, but I’m sure we can find somethin’ to keep you busy.”

“I don’t want to go to school anyways,” Ellie said, putting her feet on the ground. That was a good sign, like maybe she was startin’ to get comfortable. “I’ve already been to school.”

“You don’ have to go to school,” Joel pacified. 

“Why don’ we start with dinner?” Tommy winked at her. “Maria don’ really cook, but I’m sure her an’ I can wrangle somethin’ up for the four of us.”

Ellie looked at Joel for confirmation— something his brother picked up on— then when Joel tipped his head in agreement, she nodded. “Ok.”

Christ. He needed to find a way to get her alone later. Tonight seemed like a good night to do some pushin'. 

Chapter Text

“Look what the cat dragged in,” Maria said, hands on her hips, eyes narrowing at Joel as they approached. The statement was mostly teasing, but with a wary, apprehensive sort of undertone that made him suspect she wasn’t all that pleased to see him. Joel didn’t necessarily blame the woman; he had been out of line showin’ up with Ellie like that last fall, demanding Tommy take her off his hands.

“Maria.” Joel nodded politely. Tommy leaned in to kiss his wife and he watched her eyes widen when she caught sight of Ellie behind him. 

“Christ,” the woman swore, approaching her with a frown. “What did Joel do to you, honey?” she asked with lighthearted concern. To anyone else, what she said would be understood as a joke, but Joel could see Ellie’s hackles go up, and he was too late to curb her reaction. “Joel didn’t do anything to me,” she snapped. 

“Ellie—” he cautioned. “She don’ mean it like that.” 

Tommy appeared unsettled by the little girl’s outburst, his easy-going exterior slipping for a moment as he looked between them. Shit. Now he was gonna have to come up with somethin’ to explain away Ellie’s defensiveness. But Maria was unfazed; she let out a laugh and patted Ellie’s shoulder. “Relax sweetheart. I’m just bugging you. Nothing a bit of sleep and good food can’t fix.”

They’d met up with Tommy’s wife at what appeared to be the town’s entrance. “Maybe we’ll save the tour for another day?” Joel suggested, grabbing hold of Ellie’s hand again.

The gesture reminded him of parents who kept their toddlers on a leash, like if he was holding her hand, he could somehow prevent her from gettin’ into anymore trouble, that and he wanted to keep her close. There would be time for Joel to scope out the town later, but for now he had to assume they weren’t entirely safe from harm. Tommy nodded, his tone taking on a new, guarded sort of formality as he spoke. “Fine by me. We’ll get you two fed and rested first. That alright with you, Ellie?”

She glanced at Joel again to check, then nodded, which only served to deepen Tommy’s disquiet. 

His brother and Maria walked ahead of them, Tommy was whispering, he assumed relaying the information Joel had given him about the Fireflies, and the agreement they’d made with Doctor Anderson and Marlene. Hanging back a few paces to give the couple their space, Joel rubbed his thumb over the back of Ellie’s hand. 

“I’m sorry,” she lamented, looking miserable. “I didn’t mean to be rude— I just…” She didn’t seem to be able to offer up an explanation. 

“It’s alright,” he soothed. He already knew that was one of her triggers, even if she couldn’t put a name to it. Maybe he ought to explain some of those terms to her. Either way, Joel was fairly certain he could talk Tommy through it without arousing anymore suspicion. “I ain’t upset with you. But, I know you like Maria. You told me you thought she was nice.” 

“I do like her,” Ellie conceded. “She sort of reminds me of Tess,” She gave him a funny smile, maybe she was just relieved he wasn’t mad at her. She did tend to worry about that a lot nowadays, despite the fact that he never really got mad at her anymore. It was hard to get upset at her after everything he’d witnessed, everything he’d seen her endure. 

“How do you figure that?” He asked, brows furrowed. Most of the time, Joel made a point not to think too hard about Tess, but he was willin’ to try if it’d get Ellie out of her head. He made an effort to keep his mood light, so she’d relax a little. 

“Well… Maybe it’s not that. Maybe it’s Tommy reminding me of you. I don’t know.” She paused. “It’s just that, Maria’s the one who calls the shots, right? And I mean with me you’re all, “do what I say, Ellie—” cos you’re being a dad, but Tess was like…obviously the one in charge when I first met you guys…no offense.”

Joel let out a laugh, surprised by her perceptiveness. “Yeah, alright. I can see where you’re comin’ from.” What she was tryin’ to say, but didn’t have the vocabulary for, was that both he and Tommy were very easily whipped. 

They passed rows of houses, various buildings…shops, what looked like a pub. There were people on horseback in the street, people carrying firewood, guns (thank God there didn’t seem to be any rules against open carrying), and kids runnin’ around playin’ tag. Joel hadn’t seen kids play like that in a long time. There weren’t too many little kids in Boston who avoided the orphanage to military school pipeline, an’ the ones who did, didn’t survive by playin’ games. 

Joel’s first impressions of Jackson were very idealistic…like he was transported back in time, into the life his brother had always wanted. That didn’t mean nothin’ though. Lots of kids also meant it was the perfect breeding ground for people who liked to be around kids a little too much. He pulled Ellie closer. 

“Here we are,” Tommy stopped in front of a large white house with a wrap around porch in what appeared to be the centre of town. There was a patio set on the deck and two wooden rocking chairs in the corner. “Holy shit— This is your house?” Ellie asked, eyes wide. There’s my girl, Joel smiled at her enthusiasm. “Just the two of you live here? Wait— You don’t have any kids, right? I mean I guess you’d be kind of old to start having them now…” She was thinking out loud, overcompensating he thought, for her earlier slip up. 

“Kiddo—” he warned, but Tommy waved him off with a smirk. Maria just looked amused. “Nope, it’s just the two of us, you’re right. But we like to have get togethers. It’s important for us to be a part of the community, be accessible to people,” she explained. “My dad used to live with us too, but he passed away last year.” 

Ellie looked stricken, but Joel couldn’t help but notice that Maria said passed away, not died, or was killed, and if he were honest, Joel couldn’t think of a better way to go. He had himself a nice little fantasy of dyin’ old in a grown up Ellie’s house, surrounded by family, whatever that may look like. It was a nice thought— Of course it was more likely he’d get infected or killed in between now and then— And there was the whole matter of needing to make sure Ellie grew up in the first place, which he had a better shot of ensuring now they were in Jackson. 

The inside of Tommy’s house was spacious and cozy, a country home style decor with framed pictures and worn out furniture. Joel’s eyes were drawn to three large DVD racks and a wide screen TV in the living room. He hadn’t made the connection between electricity and movies until now. That could be real fun to explore with Ellie. Joel half predicted that the girl in question would start riflin’ through shit as soon as they walked in the door, like they did on the Outside. He was expectin’ to have to keep her in line, especially on account of how antsy she’d been today, but Ellie surprised him and stuck close by his side, her hand still clasped in his. The only wanderin’ she did was with her eyes. 

“You’ll have to forgive us, we don’ have nothin’ prepped for supper,” Tommy said. “We’ve been grabbin’ dinner at the pub a lot lately.”

“Anythin’s fine,” he snorted. “Ellie an’ I got by off rabbit guts for about a month, so—” He nudged her and she wrinkled her nose at the memory.

“Well shit. Better put the rabbit guts away Maria—” Tommy jested,’ trying to make Ellie laugh. She gave him a small smile in return. “It wasn’t a whole month, more like three weeks. And to be fair, I’d never hunted by myself before.” 

“By yourself? What?—Was Joel sleepin’?” His brother chuckled, missing the way Ellie cringed into his side. Somethin’ like that baby brother. 

“Why don’ you show ‘em upstairs Maria, an’ I’ll fix us somethin’ to eat. You two can get freshened up in the meantime.” Tommy offered. 

Maria brought them up a set of stairs and gestured to the right. “There’s a guest bedroom here— We’ve only got the one, so we can figure out the sleeping arrangements later, but for now you guys can put your stuff on the bed in there. Bathroom’s down the hall to the left. There’s running water so feel free to shower or use the facilities.”

Joel cleared his throat. “We appreciate it.” Then Maria turned to Ellie. “Is there anything you need, kiddo? Do you have clean clothes to change into?”

“I’m good,” Ellie replied, shifting her weight. “Joel got me a bunch of stuff at the Firefly hospital.”

“Alright. Well, there’s extra soap and shampoo in the bathroom cupboard, towels in the linen closet. Feel free to use anything you find, ponytails, bobby pins; there’s girl stuff in the bottom drawer under the sink.” Ellie cocked her head to the side, and Joel smiled to suppress a laugh, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders from behind. “Period stuff, Ellie,” he clarified. Not that she needed it yet. 

“Oh.” Her cheeks reddened. “Thanks.” 

Maria snorted at Joel, then patted Ellie’s hand. “You poor thing,” she sighed playfully. “I’ll give you guys some space. Come down when you’re ready.”

When she was gone, he turned to the little girl. “You plannin’ to shower?” he asked, casting his eyes down the hall. Ellie lifted her arms to smell herself, then frowned. “Do I need to? I just had one this morning.”

“No, you’re fine. I was just askin’ cos I want to, thought I’d let you go first.”

“Oh. No it’s ok.” She flopped her pack down on the bed and started to pull out her clothes, then she stopped. “Joel?” she asked hesitantly, before he had the chance to head to the bathroom. 

He grunted in acknowledgment, locating his own set of spare clothes.

Ellie looked down, like she was searching for the right words. “The whole sleeping thing…” she trailed off. Joel knew right away what she was referring to. She was looking at him in that doe-eyed, vulnerable way that could make him promise her the moon. He figured it was gonna be pretty hard to convince his sanctimonious shit of a brother that he needed to sleep in a fourteen-year-old girl’s bed, for her mental health. But Ellie was already so bad at both identifying and communicating what she needed; he wasn’t about to flat out reject her when she tried. “Don’ you worry about it,” he said. “I’ll talk to Tommy, explain it as best I can.”

She nodded, her shoulders relaxing. It couldn’t be a forever thing; Joel knew that, and he was pretty sure Ellie knew that too, but it was something they could work up to. The first night in a new place wasn’t the time to take away her security blanket, plus he really did want to try an’ have a conversation with her tonight and that would be difficult to do from separate rooms. 

“Right. Well, I’ll jus’ be a few minutes,” he told her, heading down the hall to where Maria said the bathroom was located. They were relatively spoiled now after a few weeks in the hospital, running water was already becoming the norm again, so Joel didn’t take too long. He stripped and located the extra soap, then brushed his teeth in the shower. That was another thing he had to make sure Ellie was doin’ regularly, at least once a day. Cavities and tooth rot were a bitch to deal with in this world, he figured she was old enough to understand that.

Joel spent most of his shower time tryin’ to figure out how he was gonna approach Ellie about her conversation with Marlene this mornin’. It was hard to decide if he should bother at all. He’d almost gotten her to a point where she was calm; he didn’t wanna open the wound again and risk her havin’ some sort of emotional outburst like she had back when she was sick. Then again, he couldn’t see a path for Ellie that didn’t involve gettin’ those feelings out somehow, so if he let it slide tonight, he might be settin’ her up for an even worse breakdown later on, or she’d just keep lettin’ her feelings out in anger like she’d done with him this morning, and with Maria just a few minutes ago. 

Those were pretty minor instances, not at all reflective of what Ellie was capable of. She was used to solving problems with her fists, or in some cases with her knife… the mutilated man on the gas station floor came to mind. What if someone triggered her enough that she seriously hurt them? Of course, if it came to that, Joel would like to think the person deserved whatever she did to ‘em. Hell, if it was as serious as the gas station incident, Joel would have no qualms about finishin’ the job for her; the town was better off without scum like that. 

Still, Ellie was a teenage girl. There was always the possibility that the anger could turn inward and become directed toward herself. He remembered worryin’ about that with Sarah entering puberty; he watched a documentary on self harm for parents once on PBS— And worse than that, he knew Ellie was more than familiar with the concept of suicide. Her, "how am I supposed to keep living like this?," comment coming to mind. Not only did she know how to kill herself, but she had the means, and he wasn’t about to take away her fucking gun. She might need it. Maybe he was over-thinking this, but then again, most of those little girls slitting their wrists in the 2010s didn’t have near as much trauma to contend with as Ellie did. 

A sudden rush of anger flooded his chest as his thoughts took a macabre turn— Ellie helpless and in pain on the floor of that chalet, grown men touchin’ her, forcin’ themselves inside her as she screamed for him to make it stop, her shaky little hands fiddling with the button on her jeans, the finger shaped bruises around her neck. Christ. The memory imprint was enough to turn his stomach. He took a few deep breaths to bring his heart rate down. He needed to focus on Ellie, not on himself. Nobody was gonna touch his baby girl again, not if Joel had anything to say about it. 

He needed to see her, to make sure she was ok, so he shut the tap off and toweled himself dry in a hurry. Joel couldn’t’ve been gone more than fifteen minutes, but when he returned to Tommy’s guest room, he found Ellie stretched out on the double bed fast asleep, still on top of the green comforter. She’d changed into her navy sweats and a purple tank-top, her head lolled back and her mouth hung open, fingers curled in the blankets.

So much for talkin’ to her. All Joel’s fears from before melted away in favor of a more tolerable surge of protective love. All he wanted in that moment was to lay down next to her and hold her close, but Tommy and Maria were waiting for them in the kitchen. He wasn’t gonna wake her up; she needed her rest, and her brain was still healin’, but Joel had to make an appearance. And in some ways it might be easier to talk without Ellie hangin’ off his shoulder; he could explain some things in better detail.

Joel bent down and smoothed her hair back, planting a whiskery kiss on her forehead, then he turned the light out and headed downstairs. It looked like Tommy and Maria had settled on breakfast for dinner. Tommy was at the stove fryin’ eggs, while Maria set out pancakes, toast, and some sort of sausage. Joel paused on the stairs to eavesdrop. “It’s not just her—” his brother was saying, “—There’s somethin’ different about him too. He’s actin’ like—” Tommy didn’t finish his sentence.

“…A dad?” Maria filled in for him. “Are you really all that surprised? If there was anything that was gonna bring him back, wouldn’t it be taking care of a child again?” 

Alright. That’s enough psychoanalysis for one night. Joel cleared his throat and the couple startled; he chose to play ignorant. He couldn’t really expect them not to speculate, an’ he wasn’t shocked Maria seemed to know his entire history, considering Tommy was goin’ around tellin’ the likes of Marlene about his daughter. Jesus—He hadn’t even told Tess about Sarah. She’d had her suspicions of course, but he’d never confirmed anything. “Ellie fell asleep while I was in the shower.” He kept his voice down. “Don’ have the heart to wake her. She’s been stuck layin’ on her belly the past couple days cos of the bone marrow aspiration— hasn’t slept much.”

Maria cringed. “Jeez. That doesn’t sound pleasant.”

“I think she preferred the needle to the brain— At least she got to sleep through that one,” he said, making conversation with his new sister-in-law. If he was gonna make this work for Ellie, he had to make it work with his brother’s wife too. As the little girl so eloquently put it earlier, “she calls the shots.” 

Tommy set the plate of eggs down on the table. “We’ll save her some in case she wakes up hungry later.” The three of them sat down, and Joel dug into the food. “The sausage is deer. We’ve got a few good marksmen in town who do the majority of our huntin’,” his brother explained. “Course everyone’s welcome to pitch in in that department— Even Ellie if she wants—Though I don’ think we’re in high demand for rabbit guts just yet.” He smiled.

Joel paused with a piece of egg toast halfway in his mouth. “I’d rather she stay inside the walls for now. Girl’s mighty capable, but she ain’t had an easy go of it, especially these last couple months.” That was the polite way of saying, no fucking way are you sending her Outside to go hunting of all things. 

“Food situation was pretty bad, eh?” Tommy inquired cautiously, like he was trying to bridge the gap between small talk and business.

“Wasn’t just that,” Joel said. “We got by ok on canned shit for a long time—” He might as well get this over with. Putting down his dinner, Joel scooched the dining chair back and lifted his shirt to show off the hole in his abdomen. “—till I wasn’t around to help anymore.”  

“Jesus Christ, Joel. What the hell happened?” Tommy dropped his piece of toast. 

He put his shirt back down. “We made it to your university out in Colorado just as winter was startin’ to hit— but we were attacked by some hunters. I fell two stories onto a rebar and I was down for weeks. Ellie killed at least half a dozen grown men tryin’ to pull me outta there. It was lucky we still had the horse back then, otherwise I don’ think she woulda been able to move me.” 

“And she did that all by herself?” Maria asked, eyes wide. “How did she know what to do? How did you survive?”

Joel winced. “I ain’t so clear on the details. I was unconscious a lot of the time, and Ellie don’ like talkin about it much. But she stitched me up, took care of me, kept me warm an’ dry. We stopped bein’ able to move around, ransack houses an’ shit, so she hunted all by herself, an’ she even traded meat for Penicillin when the wound got infected.” He left out the details of that particular trade for obvious reasons. “She’s real resourceful that one.” 

“Holy shit,” Tommy swore. “Is that why she’s so…?” 

Joel grunted. “That’s a part of it. She was so focused on takin’ care of me, she wasn’t takin’ care of herself, and she landed a nasty kidney infection.” Not a lie, but not the truth either. He limited it to her kidneys, cos even though there were lots of ways to get a UTI, he didn’t want them— Maria especially— to make the connection. “By the time I was up and walkin’ again, she was down— Couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat much, couldn’t even go pee on her own. That’s why she’s so damn skinny now. We tried dosin’ her with what was left of the Penicillin, but it wasn’t strong enough.”

“But she’s better now?…Physically?” Maria asked.

“Yeah, the Fireflies fixed her up. That’s why we ended up stayin’ so long in Salt Lake City. By the time we got there she was unconscious, septic—” He left out the part about Ellie almost getting raped again because he’d decided to leave her alone in the middle of nowhere. “—Doc couldn’t do any of the exploratory shit until she was infection free.”

Tommy seemed pensive. Like he was digesting the story, feeling around for the holes. 

Joel figured he’d better address it. “Kid’s carryin’ around some serious trauma and I ain’t gonna tell you all of it. She’s seen so much— She grew up in orphanages, then military school so she’d never killed anyone before this trip…Plus there are things that happened to her while I was hurt, and after, that I know for a fact she don’t want me sharin’— Shit she hasn’t really come to terms with in her own mind yet. We’ve been on the move, in survival mode for a lot of it, an’ the whole cure thing gave her a bit of a distraction, but I’m expectin’ to see some of it start to come out once she gets comfortable…”

“That makes sense,” Maria agreed. “You’re probably right. Is there anything we can do to help?”

Joel took another bite of his food, chewed, then took a sip of water. “She jus’ needs to be treated like a kid for a while— Not in a condescendin’ sort of way, she don’ like that— but I want to hear her laugh again, play games, watch movies, read comic books, make friends…She likes stupid puns.” He trailed off; he was rambling.

Tommy cleared his throat, his next question sounding a bit awkward. “Are you plannin’ to keep her then? Like… with you?”

“Keep her?” Maria scolded. “Really Tommy? She’s a little girl, not a stray dog.”

“I know that, I’m sorry.” He waved her off. “That didn’t come out right. I’m only askin’ if we need to be lookin’ around for a place for her to go. There are families here willin’ to take in kids, or I’m sure she could stay with us for the time bein’ if you want her close but don’ want…” 

“Ellie stays with me,” he said. He almost added, she’s mine, to the end of that sentence, feeling defensive, but figured his brother wouldn’t appreciate the sentiment. 

“Right.” Tommy nodded, twirling a butter knife around on the table. “Sounds good to me. What should we tell people?—How do you wanna present yourselves I mean? To the rest of the town…”

Just spit it out baby brother. I know what you’re really askin’. “You go ahead and let ‘em know your brother and your niece are here to stay. That’ll work just fine for the both of us.” Joel knew the ramifications that kind of statement would have, how deeply that word might affect his brother. He didn’t feel like gettin’ all mushy an’ sentimental right now, but he wanted things to be clear. 

Tommy was having a hard time controlling his grin. “My brother an’ my niece—Ok,” he echoed, leaning back in his seat. “I can do that.”

They finished up their food, and when Tommy stood up to clear the dishes, Joel heard him repeat, “My brother and my niece have come to Jackson,” in a hushed sort of disbelief.

“Are you gonna stay down here or sleep upstairs with Ellie?” Maria asked, and Joel applauded his own accidental brilliance, leading with the whole she’s my daughter thing before discussing sleeping arrangements. “I can make a bed for you on the couch if you like.”

“Naw—” He shook his head. “I’m probably gonna go lay down with her. Don’ want her to wake up alone.”

Neither one of them seemed to have a problem with that. 

There. It was settled. Joel and Ellie were in Jackson starting a new life. Now he just had to find a way to get Ellie through her crippling PTSD without killing herself or anyone else. Sounds easy enough, he snorted to himself, his earlier unease returning in full force. 

If only. 

Chapter Text

Ellie woke up alone.

It was dark out now, and she contemplated going downstairs because she heard people talking down there, but she didn’t want to interrupt them if they were having an important conversation. She was also a bit worried about what Joel was telling Tommy and Maria; part of her didn’t want to know how he talked about her, talked about them when she wasn’t around. Maybe that was the remnants from the last time they were in Jackson, when she’d thought everything was going fine and then Joel tried to GIVE HER AWAY.

Ellie knew he wasn’t planning to do that again. Partly, because she’d asked him and he said no, and partly because she just knew.

Joel loved her; he loved her so much it was sort of scary sometimes. Like, he would probably jump in front of a bullet for her. He had jumped in front of like a hundred infected for her, even though she was immune and he wasn’t. That wasn’t the part that she worried about. Last time, when he tried to ditch her with Tommy, that was also a reflection of his love, in a weird sort of way. He didn’t think it was in Ellie’s best interests to stay with him; he thought she’d be better off with his brother.

Earlier in the day, he said they didn’t have to tell Tommy everything that happened on their trip, but he didn’t promise that he wouldn’t. And now he was downstairs alone with them— What if he decided that it was in her best interests to tell them the whole story? What if he thought it would help Ellie somehow if everyone knew her fucking business? That sounded more like something he would do, in furtherance of “protecting her.”

She understood why Doctor Anderson had to know, and by extension Marlene; they already guessed anyways. If Joel hadn’t told them the truth, they probably would’ve tried to take her away from him— And that was the one thing Ellie could NOT handle right now.

But Tommy and Maria weren’t going to give her a physical exam. Unless she had some sort of flashing sign above her head that said, Please touch me against my will, (which she was honestly starting to wonder about at this point), they wouldn’t automatically assume Joel was hurting her, or accuse him of doing horrible things— For once it would be nice if all the adults in her life weren’t conspiring around her, sending each other meaningful glances over her head, or frowning at her when her back was turned.

Maybe she was being paranoid, but she wanted their fresh start in Jackson to be just that: fresh. She didn’t want it to be colored by that one awful thing that she just could NOT stop thinking about, no matter how hard she tried.

Two awful things now— if she counted what Marlene had told her earlier as a separate thing. Right now she wasn’t sure if they were two separate things, or one big cosmic fucking joke.

She glared at the ceiling, wishing Joel would come upstairs and get her. Don’t be a fucking baby. If you want to see him, get up, use your legs, and go see him. It’s not that fucking hard. But what if Joel went to bed? He said they could sleep together, but what if he thought it didn’t matter, because she was already asleep?

What if Tommy thought it was weird and didn’t want him sleeping in bed with her, so he decided to sleep somewhere else? If that was the case, then if she went downstairs, it would just be Tommy and Maria sitting there, and it would be awkward. Tommy’s voice sounded a lot like Joel’s so she couldn’t tell exactly who was talking.

The longer she laid there debating, the more alone she felt. When Joel was beside her, she could listen to his breathing, or put her head on his chest and hear his heartbeat. It made her feel safe. The logical part of her knew that even if Joel wasn’t beside her, she was still safe. He was somewhere in the house, and Tommy and Maria were both also here—but when she was on her own in the dark, that’s when David liked to keep her company.

Except now, instead of herself, it was her mom she pictured with David’s hands wrapped around her neck, because she didn’t know what Walter Mackenzie looked like. But the problem was, she didn’t know what her mom looked like either, so her mind ended up turning Anna Williams into a more grown up Ellie, and everything came full circle until she couldn’t help but blur the lines between the past and the present.

Nothing she did was enough to quiet her mental rambling. She tried whistling to herself, counting the seconds, picturing happy memories. Ellie even closed her eyes and tried to picture Riley. Because as much as it still hurt to do that, it hurt less than everything else right now. 

She was just about to say fuck it, and sneak over to the top of the staircase to listen in like a creep, when the bedroom door creaked open. It was Joel, obviously. She deepened her glare, eyes fixed on the drywall because she could NOT be tearing up right now. This was so fucking stupid. Everything was so fucking stupid.

“Ellie? Are you awake?” Joel whispered.

“Yeah,” she tried to respond all normal-like, but it came out high-pitched and sniffly. 

Joel stood in the doorway for a second, most likely because it was awkward as shit to walk in on someone crying for no apparent reason, then he came over and hovered beside her on the bed. “Tcht.” He smoothed her hair back. “What’s got you so upset, baby girl?”

“I’m not upset!” she wailed, twisting away from his attempts to comfort her. She didn’t want him to know that she was laying there fixating on David, like she chose to be thinking about him or something.

“Alright…” he trailed off, one hand frozen in midair. “You’re not upset. Did you have a bad dream?”

“No!” A fresh wave of tears cascaded down her face and she tried to swipe them away, but she just ended up smearing wetness all over her cheeks. She could tell he didn’t believe her. Joel rubbed the back of his head, looking troubled. “You know you could talk to me about it if you did, right? Even if it was one of those nasty ones involvin’ me…”

“It wasn’t! I’m fine. I didn’t even dream.” She wasn’t lying.

“Ok…Well, I ain’t a shrink, but I’m pretty sure you ain’t in here cryin’ just for fun—”

Ellie couldn’t control herself anymore. He was being too nice. She lunged forward into his lap, arms winding around his neck. Joel let out a strangled noise and Ellie cried harder when she realized she’d kneed him in the groin, but he quickly regained composure and hugged his arms around her body, settling her legs in a more comfortable position. Hanging on tight, she buried her face in his collarbone, body shaking with silent sobs. One of his hands cupped the back of her head in the way that always made her feel like she was a little girl and he was her dad.

She sobbed harder.

The door creaked open again, heavy footsteps intruding into the room. Ellie didn’t need to look up to feel Tommy’s eyes on her. “Uh—” He made an uneasy noise. Whatever he was gonna say fell flat as he drank in the scene. She let out an embarrassed cry and clung on tighter to Joel, who groaned and tried to reposition her again. Fuck. This was so fucking humiliating.

“Sorry Joel.” Tommy cleared his throat. “I was jus’ gonna say there’s a plate of food in the fridge if Ellie wants it.”

“Thanks Tommy,” he grunted, then he rubbed the back of her neck. “Shh— Relax, kiddo. You’re alright,” he whispered into her hair.

Tommy left the room.

Joel seemed keen to let her cry it out. He didn’t ask her anymore questions, just held her and rocked her until crying turned into slow, shaky breathing, and her grip relaxed. She was still sitting in his lap, her ear pressed against his chest, eyes fixed on a spot by the door before he tried to talk again. “I reckon that’s been buildin’ for a while,” he said.

“I don’t know why I was even crying,” she sniffled.

“I have a few pretty good guesses, if you want me take a stab at it,” Joel said, and she let out a long, exhausted sigh, hiding her face in his shirt. She didn’t have the energy to fight with him anymore.

“Let me see…” he hummed. “You’re cryin’ because we skipped the Jackson tour today?” There was a light sort of teasing in his tone.

She glared into his chest and shook her head.

“Oh— damn. Ok. Is it because you’re hungry?”

She shook her head again.

“Thirsty?”

“Joel!” she whined, pulling away from him. “Stop it.”

He sobered up a bit and tucked a piece of her disheveled braid behind her ear. “Ellie, I know Marlene talked to you about your dad this mornin’. I could see it in your eyes the moment I walked into that room— An’ it’s the only reason I could come up with as to why you were askin’ about pregnancy all of a sudden.”

“He’s not my dad,” Ellie snapped. You’re my dad, she wanted to say, but she was still too annoyed, the whiplash from the sudden change in topic giving her a headache.

“Sorry. That was the wrong way of puttin’ it,” he apologized, so sincere she couldn’t help but forgive him. “—What happened between your mother an’ your biological father—” he corrected.

“You already knew,” she accused. She wasn’t even hurt by that piece of it anymore, she just wanted to throw it in his face to make sure he didn’t deny it.

“I did,” he sighed. “But I didn’t know any of the details— Don’t need to, unless you wanna talk about it. Marlene was just blowin’ off some steam one day an’ it slipped out. I did tell her to keep her goddamn mouth shut though—” Now he was the one glaring.

“She was just trying to give me some weird advice,” Ellie mumbled, even though she was kind of mad at Marlene for telling her. She at least could’ve stuck around for a few more minutes to make sure Ellie was ok. “Actually, it wasn’t weird advice, it was the same advice you already gave me about finding something to fight for—The way she said it was the weird part.”

Joel’s lips were pursed in a thin line, like he was trying to keep his opinion to himself for her sake. “I still wish she’d’ve listened. That wasn’t the time or the place to be fillin’ your head with that crap.”

Ellie shrugged and leaned forward again. “She said I had a right to know, cos it’s part of my history.” Her next statement came out as little more than a shaky exhale. “It’s like I was born for it,” she told his neck. “Like he saw me and just knew.”

Joel stiffened. It wasn’t that hard to figure out the he she was talking about. “That ain’t true, Ellie. What he did… That had nothin’ to do with you and everything to do with him bein’ fucked up in the head.”

David? maybe… But what about James, or the other guy? The one who called her baby doll. Were they all suffering from the same mental delusions? Or was that just how men behaved when they got together in groups? That might be too complicated a question to force Joel to answer.

“He called me special,” she said, her voice monotone now. Her emotions were locked in a void somewhere where she couldn’t access them.

“That don’t mean nothin’,” Joel sighed. “That’s jus’ somethin’ men like him say to get little girls to trust them.”

A defensive anger swelled inside her. “I didn’t trust him. I’m not stupid. He put me in a cage.” Did he think she just walked around talking to strangers the whole time he was unconscious?

“I know that, honey.” Joel’s voice was infuriatingly calm. “I never said you were stupid, or that you trusted him. I was just sayin’, him callin’ you special ain’t a reflection of you— or your parents. He woulda said that no matter what.”

“Oh.” She deflated a bit. He rocked her for a little while longer in silence, letting her mull over his words until some of the tension that had been building inside her since this morning melted away into relief. Joel must’ve been able to sense the change, because he loosened his grip a little. “It don’t matter one bit to me how you were made,” he said. “Far as I’m concerned, you’re my daughter an’ no one else’s. You shoulda seen Tommy’s face. He’s stoked he gets to be an uncle again, always was real good at that.”

He was clearly trying to distract her now, which Ellie appreciated. It took some effort to force the bad thoughts down again, like she was opening a jar of feelings, taking one out, then trying not to let the rest of them escape. “That’s so embarrassing—that he walked in while I was crying. Worse than with Marlene.”

“Tcht. He ain’t gonna mention it.”

She sniffled, and used his shirt to wipe a few tears from her face.

“Now you’re cryin’ cos you’re hungry, right?” Joel prodded, smiling into her hair.

Ellie let out a laugh and nodded. “Yeah, that’s it.”

“Well, I hope you like cold pancakes. They sure don’ make syrup like they used to, but Tommy’s got some sort of sugared corn shit that ain’t so bad.”

Pretty much anything with sugar in it sounded good to Ellie. She untangled herself from his lap and stretched her legs out on the bed. This wasn’t how she expected their first night in Jackson to go. It wasn’t how she wanted it to go. But she was with Joel and that was what mattered. They could get through whatever happened from now on as long as they were together.

Maybe that was the little kid inside her talking, but Ellie didn’t care. It still felt pretty nice.

Chapter Text

Joel was still sleeping when Ellie woke up in the morning. He never snored, something she figured he’d picked up from being on the Outside for so long, but he usually mumbled in his sleep. Today, he was passed the fuck out and totally silent except for the soft rise and fall of his chest. He was still on top of the covers, still wearing his jeans, but he had a blissful, relaxed sort of look on his face, the lines on his forehead less prominent. It sort of made him look younger if she stared for long enough. 

Ellie wanted him to be awake, but she didn’t want to wake him. He hadn’t slept this soundly since he was almost dead in that warehouse. On the Outside, he slept with one-eye-open. Even if Ellie was playing lookout, he still couldn’t bring himself to trust her, to surrender completely. 

At the Firefly hospital, he refused to leave her room just in case they decided to remove her brain while he was gone, so when he wasn’t smushed up next to her on the skinny hospital bed, he was dosing in a chair, head lolled to the side at an uncomfortable angle that made him get almost daily neck cramps. You’d think Marlene or someone would’ve rolled an extra bed into the room for him after a few nights, but in some ways, she got the feeling the Fireflies didn’t want to make things easier for Joel, like they were annoyed by his presence in her life and that was his punishment. 

Her first plan was to lay in bed with him until he woke up, but that only lasted a few minutes because she wasn’t tired anymore. Not at all. She slept the entire evening while Joel was awake, and then she slept almost the whole night. 

Her feet were twitchy and restless. 

She wanted to move around, but she knew how irritated Joel got when she couldn’t sit still, even though he didn’t say it anymore. There were noises downstairs indicating that either Tommy or Maria, or maybe both of them were up. While it was still awkward to go down and face them alone, it wasn’t like she was acting like a baby this time, looking for Joel because she couldn’t sleep; she was being mature, trying to prolong his rest. 

Pulling on her purple flannel over her tank top, Ellie went down the hall to the bathroom where she peed, brushed her teeth, and took her braid out, replacing it with her usual ponytail.

Tommy was alone in the kitchen when she crept downstairs. She didn’t think he heard her get up, because his eyes widened with surprise when she appeared in the living room. He was dressed in a tan, button down work shirt and jeans, the same sort of thing Joel preferred, and he already had a gun on his hip, a rifle slung across his shoulder, and his radio clipped to his belt, like he was getting ready to leave the house. “Oh—Hey, kiddo.” He greeted. “Didn’t think you guys would be up this early; it’s only five-thirty.”

Ellie shrugged, hanging back by the dining table. “Joel’s actually still sleeping for once—and I’m trying not to annoy him cos he really needs it. Plus it’s kinda my fault he doesn’t sleep in the first place…” 

“Right.” Tommy shifted, itching to fill the silence. “I don’ think that’s all your fault honey. Far as I know, he’s never been a great sleeper.”

There was something resembling pity in his eyes, the same look Doctor Anderson always wore whenever her UTI got brought up; she was sure he was thinking about her crying and snotting all over his brother last night. But he didn’t linger in it for too long, which Ellie appreciated. “Well— Maria went out to the farm to deal with a belt issue on the tractor, an’ I’ve got patrol along the North Ridge this mornin’. I think Joel might tear my head off if I take you out with me for that, but you’re welcome to keep me company on the way to the stables. It ain’t far. You’ll be able to get back no problem.” 

Ellie snorted. He was probably right. Whatever patrol was, it couldn’t be worse than anything else she’d faced this year, but the stables seemed like a safer bet as far as Joel was concerned. “Ok,” she agreed, shooting him a shy smile.

He hesitated for another moment, looked her up and down, then reached into a nearby drawer and pulled out paper and a pencil. “I think we’d better leave my brother a note…” He trailed off. “Just in case.” He scribbled something down on the page, then handed it to Ellie for approval.

Going on patrol. Took Ellie to the stables—Down the road and to the left. Will send someone back with her.

“Good idea.” She took it, set it on the table, then paused. “He gets a bit…” Ellie didn’t finish the sentence, not sure what she was planning to say, but she should’ve expected that Tommy wouldn’t need the context. “Oh—Believe me sweetheart, I know,” he chuckled.

Jackson reminded Ellie of an old western movie, not that she’d ever actually seen one, but somehow she knew it did. People rode horses in the street, pulled carts full of supplies and dead animals, and walked around with holstered guns. 

It was still early, so not very many townsfolk were walking around, but the ones that were, a lady with a baby, a young couple, and a lone man, old enough to be Joel’s dad, all stopped to wave at Tommy or tell him good morning. 

Ellie kinda thought they’d walk in silence; that’s how it had been with Joel for a long time, but she was proved wrong right away when Tommy started listing all the things Jackson had that he thought Ellie might be interested in. “We’ve got a library, an’ there are books of course, but you can also play on the computer; I mean, we don’ have Internet, but there’s some good programs on there; there’s video games, an’ movie nights in the back rooms. The teen movies start on Fridays at 7pm, or maybe it’s 6:30—” He pondered. “I’ll have to check. Have you ever seen a movie?”

Ellie nodded. “A few. Back in school, if we weren’t in detention, we got to watch movies on Sunday afternoons, but I was in detention a lot… so I haven’t seen that many.” She remembered one miserable day where she and Riley were stuck running laps while everyone else got to watch X-Men: The Last Stand. 

Tommy snorted at that. “I used to do a supply run back in Boston that took me through a tunnel underneath one of those military boarding schools. Didn’t seem like a hell of a lot of fun,” he commented.

A supply run. “Was that when you were a Firefly?”

He frowned and shook his head. “Naw. This was before, our first couple years in Boston when I was still smugglin’ shit with Joel.”

“And Tess?” she asked, then regretted it when Tommy’s face slipped into one of curious interest. Shit. Of course Tommy doesn’t fucking know about Tess. The brothers hadn’t seen each other for over half a decade before the fall, and Ellie didn’t think the pair had been working together that long. She knew Joel was more upset about Tess’ death than he let on, but not upset enough for them to’ve been together for seven years. “Who’s Tess?” He kept his tone casual. 

“Um…Joel’s friend?” she questioned, her voice high-pitched and awkward.

“His friend?” Tommy raised an eyebrow.

Ugh. She hoped Joel wouldn’t be mad. “I don’t really know what they were. They smuggled shit together; they were supposed to smuggle me together, but she died.” 

"Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” He sounded genuine in his sadness. “Did you know her well?”

Ellie shook her head. “No—but she was nice.” She kind of wanted to tell him her theory, about how Tess was like Maria, but she stopped herself. Joel didn’t like sharing information about himself, let alone other people sharing it for him. Ellie sometimes wondered if things would’ve turned out differently had Tess lived, if she and Joel would still be as close as they were now. She liked to think yes, but deep down she knew the answer was no, probably not. 

On one hand, if Tess hadn’t gotten infected, she could’ve helped take care of Joel when he got hurt; she could’ve kept him alive without the need to trade with cannibals. Maybe her presence would’ve prevented him getting hurt at the university in the first place. If Joel never got hurt, a lot of things would be different.

Having to choose between the way Joel loved her now, and avoiding the terrible thing that happened in Colorado made her wonder disturbing things, like if Joel loved her more because she got hurt. That was when he started being more affectionate, when he started calling her his daughter. Then again, a lot of that affection could’ve come from Ellie sticking by his side and nursing him back to health.

Probably not though.

Ellie didn’t want to think about the what ifs anymore. It was too depressing. 

The walk to the stables was quick; it was only a minute or two away from Tommy’s house. The familiar smell of horses flooded Ellie’s nostrils before they even entered the long building, the floor covered in dirt and hay. Their entrance was met with a flurry of endearing nickering and whinnying, and a sharp twinge in her chest brought her back to Callus. She hadn’t thought about him in a while. 

Another thing stupid David and his stupid friends ruined.

“Mornin’ Ed,” Tommy said, smiling at a middle aged man who appeared to be mucking out stalls. “Brian here?” 

The man waved back, then put down his shovel. “Hey Tommy— Ha!— Good luck getting his sorry ass out of bed on a Sunday. Who do we have here?” he asked, approaching them with his hands on his hips. 

She shifted closer to Tommy.

“This here’s my niece— Ellie,” he said, wrapping his non-rifle arm around her shoulders to pull her in for a quick, affectionate side hug. “My brother came into town last night.” Even though she didn’t normally like to be touched without warning, a glowing fondness rose in her throat at the gesture. She’d never been anyone’s niece before. Tommy was so much like Joel it was hard not to trust him, and maybe he was as good a liar as his brother, but she didn’t think so. His introduction was so natural. If she didn’t know any better, she would’ve sworn they’d been family for years instead of just one night. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Ellie.” Ed stuck a hand out to shake, but she hung back and stared at it. Tommy noticed her hesitation right away, crossing in front of her to block the contact as he reached over to pet the nearest horse on the nose. “This guy’s sure gainin’ weight.” He changed the topic, sucking Ed into the conversation as he began to inspect the animal, a grey spotted gelding he said was named Church. 

Ellie kept worrying that Tommy would ask her what happened to Callus, but he didn’t. Maybe he realized it wouldn’t be something she’d want to talk about. Maybe Joel had already told him.

Tommy’s horse was called Jericho; he was dark brown with black socks and a black mane and tail. She already knew how to tack up a horse, so he let her help with the saddle, only correcting her once when it came to the girth, and then he showed her a quicker way to do the bit. Jericho was ready to go by the time Brian ambled through the wide double doors. By now, she assumed he was Tommy’s patrol partner for the morning.

The man in question was a giant; he was tall, with short, curly hair and a big gut. He was younger than Joel’s brother, probably in his mid-thirties, and he walked with a slight limp that favored his left leg, but didn’t seem to slow him down. Tommy introduced her from Jericho’s stall this time, leaving no room for any spontaneous handshaking.

Ellie was suddenly hyper aware of how many men stood between her and the building’s exit. Three— enough to do some serious damage. Shut the fuck up— Tommy doesn’t count, and he’s not going to let anything happen. Even though Tommy didn’t know about David specifically, he knew about men like David…Ellie remembered the awful story Joel told her about why they left Tennessee. He had to realize that kind of thing was a possibility. He and Maria were like the bosses of Jackson, they knew everybody; he wouldn’t put her at risk by taking her around people who acted like that.

But then again…Most people didn’t introduce themselves by saying, “Hi, my name’s so-and-so and I raped a teenage girl once ten years ago.” It was impossible to know for sure that neither Ed nor Brian had secrets like that in their pasts. What if they were looking at her and thinking about it right now?

She left her knife in the side pocket of her backpack at the house; she should go back and get it, maybe Joel would be ready to wake up…

“Ellie— You all good?” Tommy nudged her, and Ellie snapped out of her daze. “Yep. I’m fine,” she said.

LIAR.

To distract herself, Ellie took a walk down the long hallway while Brian got Church ready to ride. She trailed her hand along the tops of the stalls, looking at the different horses. Coming to a stop in front of the stall of the last horse in line, she had a look at him, another tall male with a dark brown coat and lighter, almost white fur on his behind. Reaching out to pet the white diamond on his face, Ellie was startled by the sound of a soft voice behind her. “Do you want to give him an apple?”

She whirled around and came face-to-face with a girl who looked about her age. The first thing she noticed was that this girl had big, friendly brown eyes. Her mouth was quirked in a crooked grin, course, curly hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. She held out a shiny red apple and raised an eyebrow. 

Ellie took it and shot her a tentative smile back. “Thanks.” The horse ate the apple in three bites.

“I’m Dina,” she said. “And this is Japan. He’s not my horse… but I wish he was.”

“Whose is he?” she asked, trying not to let the other girl see how sweaty her palms were. It had been a long time since Ellie interacted with someone her own age. Sam was the last one, and he’d been younger, plus they’d been in survival mode at the time so it wasn’t as intimidating. Accidentally acting stupid wasn’t such a big deal with adults cos they expected kids to act stupid, or say dumb things, but other teenagers… That was a whole different ball game. 

Dina stared at Japan, a wistful look in her eye. “All the horses belong to Jackson—Tommy and Maria I guess, but if nobody takes him before I’m allowed to start patrols, I’m calling dibs.” Then she frowned. “Did you just get here?”

She nodded. “Yeah, me and my dad came in last night.” My dad. That word always gave her a warm, fuzzy feeling. That’s why she got so defensive when Joel misused it last night. “I’m Ellie.”

“Well Ellie—” Dina smiled, “—I can give you a tour if you want. I just came to feed Japan, then I was gonna go for a run, but I can skip it today.”

“Uh—” Ellie was saved from answering on her own by the arrival of Tommy to their end of the stable. “Hey kiddo—I’m gonna head out now,” he said, then he noticed who she was standing next to. “Oh good—Dina, do you think you could walk Ellie back to my place? Make sure she don’t get lost?”

“Sure,” the girl replied obediently, but Ellie wasn’t quite ready to go back yet. Joel would still be sleeping and even though she’d had a momentary lapse in judgment a couple minutes ago, she really shouldn’t wake him. After everything he’d done for her, he deserved at least one restful morning; she was smart enough to know that wasn’t gonna happen if she went home. “Dina offered to show me around a bit. Is that ok?” Ellie looked up at him, trying not to sound too desperate. 

Tommy pursed his lips. “I don’ know sweetheart…” he trailed off. “I don’ think Joel wants you wanderin’ too far just yet.”

“We won’t go far—” Dina chimed in before Ellie could. “—and I can bring her back to your house as soon as we’re done.” 

He chuckled, then rubbed the back of his neck. “Alright then, if thas what you want, but in town only, and try not to be too long,” he cautioned again, then he turned around. “Hey Ed— You gonna be here a while yet?”

“Yep—” The other man called from somewhere behind a pile of hay. “I’ve still got most of the stalls to do.” 

Tommy’s posture softened. “Well good then. If my brother comes sniffin’ around here, can you let ‘im know Ellie’s out with Dina, an’ she’ll be back home soon?”

“Sure thing,” Ed waved, and that was that. Tommy left on his patrol. As soon as he was out of sight, Dina turned to her with wide eyes. “Are you and Tommy related?”

No—Yes. It was weird that it seemed more like a lie when it was Tommy, even though it felt like the truth to call Joel her dad, but she settled on, “Yeah, he’s my uncle I guess?” 

“Like, your dad is his brother?” she clarified.

Ellie nodded. “Ha! Perfect. You’re gonna put in a good word for me about Japan then, right?” she teased, and Ellie found herself grinning back. “Of course.” 

Chapter Text

“Wait— Wait—Wait— How old did you say you were?” Dina stopped her mid-sentence, brows furrowed. They’d gone through most of Jackson’s main streets by now, and Ellie had just finished telling the girl about her last birthday, when her and Riley snuck onto the roof of the school to watch the lunar eclipse. That was when Riley had first told her she wanted to join the Fireflies. They’d held hands for a little while as the moon shadow faded back to white, but she didn’t tell her new friend that part. 

Heat pooled in Ellie’s cheeks. “I’m fourteen— Fifteen in the summer.”

“Oh.” She said. “We’re pretty much the same age then. I turned fifteen last month. Sorry— No offense, you just look…”

“I know.” Ellie cringed. “I got really sick on the way here and lost a bunch of weight. Plus we weren’t really eating that good.” Dina was a lot more developed than she was, more than Ellie was before she almost died. The other girl had actual hips, and through her sports bra it still looked like she had boobs. Of course you would notice that. Pervert. Ellie on the other hand, hadn’t worn a bra in weeks, even though Joel put a bunch of weird little kid ones in her backpack; one of them had a graphic of a cat wearing a dress on it. That alone said enough about her need for them. 

She hadn’t thought too much about it since Boston, because why would she? Riley used to tease her— but it had just been her and Joel for so long. Trying to survive took precedence over worrying about her boob size; now, she wasn’t worried so much as self-conscious. She didn’t want people noticing that stuff about her; it brought back the same gutted emptiness she was left with after she was laid bare on that chalet floor for everyone to see. Ellie wished she was wearing a bigger sweater so it could swallow her up. She’s not pointing out your boobs. The other girl had simply said Ellie looked younger than fourteen. That didn’t mean anything.

“I’m confused,” Dina said, grabbing Ellie’s sleeve to pull her over to a picnic table outside the Town Hall building. She was either oblivious to Ellie’s inner monologue or choosing not to comment. They sat sprawled out on top of the table instead of on the seats. “Why didn’t you live with your dad in Boston?”

Shit. UGH. It hadn’t even been one day— not even half a day and Ellie was already fucking up the story. They hadn’t even had time to come up with a story yet! She’d told Dina about military school, but why would Joel turn her over to a school in Boston, but take her with him all the way to Wyoming? 

It wasn’t that big a deal if people knew Joel wasn’t her biological father. Tommy and Maria knew and so far neither of them treated her any different for it, but it wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted someone in her life who belonged only to her— It made things feel more secure if he was her dad and not some random old guy who was forced to take care of her by his dead girlfriend, then one day decided to keep her around. “Uh…He didn’t know I existed until last year?” Ellie tried. Not a lie. Also not the truth.

Dina squinted and cocked her head to the side. “Like, your mom didn’t tell him she had you?” the other girl filled in the blanks. 

“Yeah… that.”

“Jeez. Talk about a mind fuck,” the other girl chuckled. “How did he find out? Do you even know for sure he is your dad? Did he just come get you one day and say, you’re my kid, come with me across the country…?” 

“One of my mom’s friend’s told him,” she explained, leaning right into the bullshit now, turning Marlene into someone she wasn’t. "And yeah, I’m sure. It was a little weird at first, but I like it. I never had any family before and now I have lots.” That part wasn’t a lie at all. Ellie was the least alone she’d been in her entire life.

“That’s why you still call him Joel?” she asked, and Ellie nodded.

“Huh. Weird. Nice though— I guess. My dad died when I was a baby… but I do have a mom still, and she raised me some of the time… so that’s something.” The other girl uncrossed her legs and stretched them out in front of her, leaning back on her hands to look up at the sky. In Ellie’s humble opinion, having a dad was better than having a mom, maybe because she’d never had a mom for comparison, but she didn’t say that out loud. 

“Is it just you and her?” Ellie deflected back to Dina so she didn’t have to keep making stuff up. She didn’t know if Joel would like the story she spun, or if he had something else in mind. He probably wasn’t planning on telling anyone anything in the first place. Keep our histories to ourselves, and all. 

“Yep,” Dina said, but she got a little quiet. Ellie heard the silent, “now,” at the end of her sentence without her having to say it. Losing people, especially living outside of a QZ or a town like Jackson was as common as spraining your finger. And Dina had already said she didn’t grow up in Jackson. “I had an older sister, but she didn’t make it.”

“Oh.” That was sad.

Dina blew it off, forcing a smile. “You don’t have any other mystery siblings out there, do you?” she jested.

“Uh—no.” I hope not. She knew Joel considered her his daughter, but would he feel the same if he had a real live flesh-and-blood daughter right in front of him? One who wasn’t a distant memory. She didn’t know what possessed her to say what she said next, and holy fuck Joel would be so mad if he overheard their conversation right now, but she couldn’t help but follow her train of thought. “Joel had another daughter a long time ago. Like, she was twelve before the outbreak. She died though.”

Dina shot her a weird cross between a frown and a smile. “I bet he’s really overprotective now, hey? That’s how my mom is anyways. She didn’t used to be, but… it’s like someone ripped out a piece of her and buried it with Talia.”

Ellie kind of wanted to cry thinking about Joel in that position, but she blinked and steeled herself. Don’t be a baby. “Yeah, he’s a bit over the top sometimes,” she said instead. Because of that and other reasons.

They sat in silence for long moments, then the other girl’s lips quirked into another crooked smile and she changed the topic. “Me and some of the other kids in town, my friends Jesse and Isaac, are going out to the lake on Thursday. We’re close to a national park here so it’s really nice. You can come if you want.”

Ellie stared at her. 

Dina took her silence as a sign of uncertainty and not blind panic at being asked to hang out with a group of kids for the first time in forever, to go swimming of all things. “It’s a little bit outside of Jackson, so I get it… if you’re not allowed. But there’s never any infected out there, or bandits, and my mom and Isaac’s mom are both going too. Tommy will know where it is.”

“Um…I already know I’m not gonna be allowed,” she said, certain of the fact that Joel would blow all kinds of holes in the plan. “But maybe if my dad could come… to make sure I don’t die. He’d probably be fine with it then.”

“I can ask my mom, but she’ll probably say yes.” She grinned. “Yay! It’ll be fun, I promise.” Dina was just about to say something else, when her eyes caught something in the distance, her brows pressing together with a concerned apprehension. “Speaking of your dad…” she started. “Don’t look now, but there is a really big, really angry looking guy with a gun heading this way.”

Ellie looked.

He couldn’t’ve just stayed sleeping like a normal person at seven in the morning—No— Instead of doing that, Joel was stalking toward them, his face set in a heavy glare. All her earlier sadness for him disappeared in an instant and was replaced by a flood of indignation. I didn’t even do anything wrong. Why is he fucking mad?

When he reached them, he splayed his arms out to the side in full lecture mode. “I don’ even wanna know what possessed you to leave the house without your gun, without your knife, without lettin’ me know where the hell you were goin’— Jesus Ellie—”

“I think that’s my cue to go—” Dina whispered, and Ellie cringed and mouthed, “I’m sorry,” shooting her a withering look. “I’ll see you on Thursday, Ellie,” she said, winking at her as she walked away.

“Tommy left you a note.” Ellie shrugged when they were alone. 

“Oh. Tommy left me a note. Yeah— that was real helpful. Got me as far as the empty stables, then some guy told me you went off explorin’ on your own—” 

“I wasn’t alone! I was with Dina.” Her voice rose in pitch.

“That little girl who also didn’t have a knife, or a gun on her?” He gestured vaguely in the direction Dina left in.

“Your brother said it was fine,” she excused, feeling just a touch guilty for throwing Tommy under the bus, but all bets were off now that Joel was mad at her. “—And we’re in the middle of town. Nothing bad is gonna happen where everyone can see.”

Joel looked down at her, his face still stony, unconvinced. “You don’ know nothin’ about nothin’ in this little town yet. Neither of us do. Jus’ because somethin’ seems safe, don’t mean it is for Christsakes. Haven’t you learned that by now?” He didn’t wait for her to answer. “Tommy may run things here in Jackson, but you don’ answer to him. You answer to me, understand?”

Holy fuck. “Fine. Whatever. I’m sorry,” she scowled, twisting her body away from his defiantly. “It’s not like I was trying to be nice and let you sleep in or anything.”

He let out his breath in a loud huff. “I ain’t gonna stand here an’ argue with you in the street.”

To say that Joel dragged her back to Tommy’s would not be an exaggeration. He held her bite arm in a death grip and walked so fucking fast Ellie had to run to keep up. She kept tripping over her own feet.

Tommy wasn’t home yet by the time they arrived, but Maria was. She was at the dining table when Ellie and Joel stumbled through the front door, and as soon as she caught sight of them, she raised the walkie to her lips and spoke with an overemphasized exasperation. “He’s got her back now,” she said into the radio.

“Alright— See you soon,” Tommy’s voice replied. 

Joel let go with enough force to destabilize her. “Ouch—You don’t have to be such an asshole.” She glowered as she found her footing again and put some distance between them.

“You watch your tone, little girl.”

“I’m not a little girl. I’m fourteen. I can take care of myself.” Ellie stuck up her middle finger at him. I can take care of both of us if I have to. 

“Alright you guys,” Maria interrupted. “That’s enough. Can’t we just chalk it up to a misunderstanding?”

“That would be fine with me! I just don’t think I should have to apologize for trusting the judgment of someone you tried to GIVE me to last fall!” Ellie exploded. “If Tommy’s a liar and the town isn’t safe, then why did you ask him to take me all the way across the country!?” She accused. 

“She has a point there, Joel— And I’m not saying she’s totally right either,” Maria cut him off before he could say something rude. “I understand you guys haven’t been much more than a few feet away from each other for most of this year. That’s gonna be a hard habit to break, and Ellie, you need to be considerate of that when you’re making decisions—”

“I am!” she shouted. 

“No. Right now you’re being rude. At the end of the day, if you want this arrangement you two have to work, you do have to respect him,” Maria told her firmly. “If you guys both take a minute to calm down, Ellie, you’ll see that Joel was just worried about you, and Joel, you’ll understand that it’s normal for Ellie to be curious; she’s in a new place with people her own age, and from what Tommy told me, it sounds like she was just trying to get out of your hair this morning so you could rest.” 

Ellie deflated a bit from the lecture. At least Maria was sort of taking her side. Joel was still really wound up though. His whole body was tense, green eyes clear and cold, like they used to get sometimes before he got hurt. This was the Joel who was capable of smashing someone’s head in with one kick, or slaughtering a whole room of infected without even blinking. This was the Joel who told her, “You’re not my daughter,” last year. 

Is he thinking about that right now too? 

She resisted the urge to act like a baby, to start crying and try to snuggle with him just so that hard, mean expression would disappear off his face. She was pretty sure that would work to make him not mad anymore. But in a sense Maria was like Marlene. Maybe it was less specific than that, and Maria was like all women. She saw Ellie as having the capacity for maturity more than Joel or Tommy did. 

It would be more embarrassing to throw a tantrum in front of her than if her and Joel were alone, so Ellie steeled herself and exhaled a shaky sigh. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to let you rest, like Maria said. You looked so calm—And then I started having fun with Dina and I didn’t want that to end yet. But I know I should’ve at least brought my knife. I was thinking about that after I left.” That was as close to a genuine apology as he was getting. 

Joel gentled his voice. “Ellie, I would rather you wake me up to tell me where you’re goin’.” He wasn’t gonna give her anything more either. He only ever said sorry about things that made him uncomfortable or were out of his control, like what happened in Colorado, or Ellie worrying she was pregnant. She could tell he still felt totally justified in his anger over her innocent morning walk. 

“Kay.” She looked down at her feet, kicking her toes into the floor. “I will next time.”

“Alright then,” Joel said, unable to meet her eyes anymore, like he didn’t know what to do with himself now that their argument was cut short. Maria snorted. “Look at you two resolving your issues like grown ups. Now— Can we have some breakfast?”

Joel was still tense for a while after that, but when she was helping clean up the breakfast dishes, he came up behind her and wrapped an arm around her body, pressing his lips to the top of her head. The tension in her belly dissipated completely with that one simple act. “Tommy an’ I were gonna go look around town at houses later today, the ones that are up for grabs. Do you wanna come with us?”

Their own house? Hell yeah—she wanted to come. “Yes— Oh, and Joel?” She tried her luck. “You’re taking me swimming on Thursday.” 

Chapter Text

Less than one day and Tommy was already getting on Joel’s last nerve. Ellie’s little temper tantrum earlier was nothin’ compared to the self-righteous, swollen-headed, condescending bullshit his little brother came up with. “It ain’t healthy to force that little girl to spend every waking second with you—You shoulda seen the way she lit up around Dina—” And the most irritating one of all, “Is it really appropriate for you two to keep sharin’ a bed? Ellie shouldn’t have to worry about whether you’re gettin’ enough sleep or not.”

They hadn’t even been in Jackson twenty four hours yet after almost a year of bein’ on the road, lookin’ over their shoulders, Ellie, attacked and brutalized on Joel’s watch, and his brother expected him to just suddenly be ok with letting the little girl do whatever the hell she wanted to do, consequences be damned. Tommy had no idea the state Ellie was in— how goddamn fragile she was. 

Fragile like a bomb. 

Currently, Tommy was on his ass about the trip Ellie wanted to go on, on Thursday with her new friend. Joel hadn’t even given her an answer to argue over, but even so, his brother felt compelled to talk to him about it. They were downstairs in the kitchen of one of Jackson’s available houses while Ellie was upstairs scoping out the bedrooms.

“She can’t even swim.” Joel glowered, leaning back against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Well, she’s gotta learn sometime, don’t she? Sue me, but I don’t see the harm in it; Families go down to Teton Lake all the time—You take a couple guns just in case and you’ll be fine.”

His glare deepened. “I’d like her to settle into Jackson, not go runnin’ back Outside every chance she gets.” 

“Look Joel—I don’ have a problem with you startin’ up on patrols, or workin’ carpentry, or whatever it is you wanna do to fill your time, and I’m sure Ellie can find a way to be real useful around here, but you’re the one who said you wanted to see her do kid stuff, that you wanted to hear her laugh again. I’m tellin’ you, this is how you do that, not by gettin’ in an argument every time she tries to branch out.” 

For fuck’s sake, it was one argument. Suddenly Tommy, father to none, was an expert in parenting. Deep down he knew that wasn’t exactly a fair assessment. Tommy had stepped up a heck of a lot with Sarah when he didn’t have to; his brother had always been able to get through to her in a way that Joel couldn’t. He’d been a good uncle and that’s what he was tryin’ to be again. But Joel wasn’t about to admit it to the cocky son-of-a-bitch. 

“Don’ give me that look,” Tommy snorted. “She’s a sweet kid, an’ what happened this mornin’ was my fault not hers. I’ll take responsibility for that.”

Ellie was a sweet kid alright, when she wanted to be— when she was all snuggled up an’ cryin’ in his arms, or playin’ with horses— the only two experiences his brother had with her. But Tommy had never seen her throw a brick at someone’s head and then stab the shit out of ‘em, or pick up a gun and blow someone's fucking brains out. He snorted, picturing his brother’s face if he could see her in action. 

“You just don’t wanna hang out with the moms all day; that’s what it is, ain’t it?” His brother chuckled. “Esther’s a little closed off, hasn’t been here very long, but Dina’s mom Renata, she’s a nice lady, far as I know she's single…”

Joel sighed and rubbed his forehead. “That ain’t somethin’ I’m lookin’ for right now, Tommy.” He barely had enough energy to wrangle Ellie, let alone another person, not to mention the fact that he wasn’t sure how the little girl would react to him ‘dating’ in the first place. She was still in a sensitive spot, insecure about her place in his life. It might be confusing for her if he brought someone else into it.

Ellie was a convenient excuse for him to use on that front, but the truth was, she would adjust. She would be fine as long as he always made plenty of time for her, made himself available when she needed. Joel was the one with the problem. 

Since the rape, Joel hadn’t even been able to go there in his own mind let alone give any real consideration to a sexual relationship, not when every time he closed his eyes he pictured some asshole or another crouched between Ellie’s spread legs, the little girl trying in vain to cover her chest only for her arms to be pinned back again. Tommy bringin’ it up provoked the thoughts to return as he worked to keep a lid on his rising anger. 

“Hey— I’m just sayin’, it might help you ease off Ellie a bit.” 

The conversation, which had started to slip into neutral, reversed itself again in an instant. Ease off Ellie? What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Joel gripped the counter. “You don’ know shit about me an’ Ellie.” 

Tommy was just about to open his big mouth and make things worse, when the little girl’s voice rang out through the house, “Joel! Come up here and check this out—!” She sounded out of breath. 

Joel left his brother in the kitchen. 

He found Ellie in what he assumed was supposed to be a child’s bedroom, the walls painted pink and purple with a decorative flower trim around the edges. She’d kicked her sneakers off and was jumping up and down on the mattress in sock feet.

Not for the first time, she was stretchin’ the limits of fourteen all the way down. He wasn’t sure if it was a defense mechanism or what— It was definitely somethin’ she’d picked up after Colorado. But like he’d told her last night, he wasn’t a shrink. 

“What are you doin’ silly girl?” he asked. She twisted around and laughed, her hair flying in her face, and Joel couldn’t help but smile, glad she seemed to be in a better mood now instead of the sullen, angry defiance from before. He was gonna warn her about damaging the springs, but thought better of it; she wasn’t gonna break nothin’ all ninety pounds of her. 

She’s so little. He had to squash down a couple disturbing images that popped into his mind.

Ellie stopped jumping when Tommy followed him into the room, slipping into that same shy, self-awareness from when they’d first arrived. “I like this one,” she announced, flopping down on the bed. “I like how big the window is in here, and if you open this door and open the door in the big bedroom across the hall, you can see into it.” 

Oh baby girl. Tommy shot him a look, but Joel ignored it. If that’s what she needed to feel safe, then fuck it, and anyone else who don’ like it. When she grew out of this phase, they could close the doors. It wasn’t a big deal.

“You can paint it a different color, right?” She wrinkled her nose.

“Any color you want,” he said, then hesitated. “—dependin’ on what we have available.” What Joel really wished he could get his hands on were some of those glow in the dark stars kids used to have on their bedroom ceilings; Ellie would get a kick out of that. He could also see about makin’ her a model solar system, the science class kind, to hang over her bed: maybe a rocket ship or two for the dresser.

Tommy looked at Ellie with amusement. “What color do you want, sweetheart?”

“Space gray.” She grinned back, and Joel was hit with an almost unbearable wave of love for her in that moment. Jesus Christ, that shit was strong. She was SO goddamn adorable. A guilty ache settled in his chest; he shouldn’t have gotten so upset with her earlier. As much as he hated to admit it, maybe his little brother was right. Maybe he ought to be prepared to loosen the reigns just a little bit, or if that wasn’t possible, he could at least allow her the opportunity to make some new friends.

“We can work on that,” Joel said. “We can spend the week goin’ over how you want things— except Thursday,” he added, “I think we’ll be a little busy then.” He didn’t care anymore about his earlier qualms; all he wanted was to see her smile at him like that again. 

He was rewarded with a happy squeal and skinny arms wrapping around his neck. “Thank you—thank you— thank you!” She pressed her nose into his shoulder. “And I promise it won’t be just you standing around like a creep, you can talk to Dina’s mom, and Isaac’s mom, and you can actually meet Dina instead of being so grumpy—” Cos that all sounds like a blast. Joel looked up from her excited babbling enough to notice Tommy was grinnin’ ear-to-ear. Self-righteous bastard. 

“Except…” Ellie paused, her mouth dropping into a frown. She sat back on the bed. “I sort of accidentally made up a story about us. I didn’t mean to, but I was talking about military school with Dina and then she asked me why I didn’t live with you in Boston, and it just sort of slipped out…”

This oughta be good. “What did you tell her?” He raised an eyebrow. 

She peeked at him through her lashes. “I thought about telling her the truth, but then I didn’t want to because even though I know it doesn’t matter to you, I still want people to think you’re my real dad so I hope you’re not mad—” I am your real dad, he responded in his head, but he didn’t want to interrupt her. 

“Joel ain’t gonna be mad, whatever you told her,” Tommy reassured, fixing him with a glare that said, “ain’t that right?” 

Now was not the time to deck his brother in the face, but Joel had a nice little fantasy of doin’ it anyways. “Ellie—” He put his hands on her knees. “—What did you tell her? I just need to know so I don’ fuck it up somehow.” He kept his tone light, amused— though if he were being honest, he was a little apprehensive. 

“Um… I sort of said you’re my dad, but you didn’t know you were my dad till last year, and that Marlene told you. Well, actually, Dina said that part and I just agreed with her.” 

Huh. Long lost daughter, that wasn’t so bad. He was a little worried she was gonna make him out to be a deadbeat, which might’ve bothered him a bit. But not knowin’, well— that wasn’t exactly his choice; an’ as far as the narrative went, it looked like he was correcting the mistake. Actually, he was a little surprised she’d thrown her mother under the bus like that, even in a lie. “Alright,” he agreed. “That’s a pretty convenient little story anyhow.”

She still looked concerned.“Promise it doesn’t bother you? Cos if it bothers you I could just tell her the truth…”

“No, baby girl, it don’t bother me,” he said, and she tucked her feet in his lap. It was gearin’ up to be another sweet moment until Tommy chimed in again from the other side of the room. “It ain’t exactly out of character for Joel— Walkin’ around gettin’ random girls pregnant.”

“Tommy,” Joel growled out a warning. Ellie made a mighty effort to hide her cringe, but he still saw it: the way she drew her arms up to protect her middle. He couldn’t explain it, an’ he wouldn’t go as far as to say it was a trigger, but he knew Ellie didn’t like to hear about Joel bein’ put in that role, more than the normal—Ew, that’s gross—that little girls had about their dads. He suspected it had somethin’ to do with those nightmares of hers, the ones that made Joel’s dick want to shrivel up and die.

Givin’ Tommy credit where credit was due, he seemed to realize he’d done wrong and quickly changed the topic, prattlin’ on about Lake Teton again. Ellie relaxed after that, and they went on with their day, ending it with a nice, balanced dinner of elk steaks, green beans, an’ buttered bread. Joel was pleased to note Ellie eating all her food, not even complainin’ about the extra serving of veggies he’d tacked onto her plate when she wasn’t lookin’. 

A couple days later and Joel was startin’ to think it may not be as difficult as he thought to get Ellie used to bein’ around people again. She was latchin’ onto to Tommy with a surety she hadn’t had with Joel until much later. At first, he’d worried that she might go through the same sort of cycle as before—start thinkin’ that Tommy would want to hurt her, but if that was the case, she was a real good actress. Even her initial shyness was giving way under the new regime. 

Joel’s sister-in-law was a whole different ball game. By some miracle, Ellie listened to Maria. She hung off the woman’s words like gospel, an’ Joel was finding himself thankful for her presence so he didn’t have to be the one chasin’ her down all the time to do what she was told. At times when Joel had to ask more than once to get Ellie to do somethin’, Maria only had to shoot her a stern look, or remind her to be respectful for her to comply. 

By Wednesday, it was clear that Joel an’ Ellie were gonna need some new clothes. Their allotted two outfits weren’t gonna cut it for a permanent living situation, especially while they were still hand washing. Jackson apparently had a laundry service sort of deal, but it seemed a waste to take away someone’s time washin’ what little they had. 

They also needed household items like bed sheets, blankets, towels, a bath mat— practical things that would get them closer to readying their new place. Ellie liked staying with Tommy and Maria, but Joel was itching to get out from under his brother’s scrutinizing gaze. The day before their trip out to the lake, Maria brought them to Jackson’s donation-run thrift centre to pick out some things.

It wasn’t very big, but it was packed full to the brim, and Ellie’s eyes went wide as dinner plates as soon as they walked in the door. He had a feeling she’d never had much chance to pick out her own clothes. He should’ve brought her up to that donation room in the Firefly hospital. “Joel, there’s a space shirt—” she said, holding up a black Star Wars t-shirt with a picture of the death star on it. He snorted. “Honey, that’s three sizes too big for you.”

“That’s ok!” she said, tucking it over her arm. She was back to favoring jeans over sweatpants now, and picked out a few pairs of those in sizes that fit her waist, along with a couple pairs of these horrible black, stretchy tights that reminded him of the shit Sarah used to wear when she was goin’ through her punk phase, but every shirt or sweater she picked up had to be a large or extra large. He’d tried to convince her to get a couple that fit properly, but she’d patiently informed him that she liked when things fit big, and that she didn’t want anyone looking at her anyways. 

Joel found himself unable to argue with that logic.

She wouldn’t touch the frilly shit, but he was able to con her into picking out a blue and green boys’ pajama set that said, “Dino-snore,” on the shirt with a graphic of a sleeping Triceratops, and a grey nightgown with NASA written on it in pink letters. It was only allowed to have pink on it because it was space themed. 

Ellie was bein’ real mature about the whole bite-scar situation. She picked out a lot of t-shirts because they had funny graphics, but she made sure to grab long-sleeve undershirts to go with them without needing to be reminded. He figured things might be more difficult for her once summer hit, but for now things were workin’ out just fine.

Joel located a black rash guard in the swim-wear section and handed it to Ellie. “You’ll want that for the lake tomorrow,” he said. She took it and added it to her collection, but she didn’t seem interested in looking at the bottoms, so he grabbed a couple different ones to show her. When he presented them to her, she looked at him like he had two heads. “You want me to wear underwear at the lake tomorrow?”

What? He paused, confused by her question. “It’s not that I want you to wear underwear, Ellie. These are swim suit bottoms. See how the fabric is all stretchy like this?" He showed her. "They're meant to dry faster. You don’ need the top cos you can’t have your arms out anyways, but these match the swim shirt I gave you pretty well.”

“Oh,” she said, going a bit quiet. She was just talkin’ about how she don’ want anyone lookin’ at her; asshole. “How ‘bout we find a pair of shorts to bring too, just in case? That way, if you’re uncomfortable, you can jus leave ‘em on.”

“Ok.” She seemed to relax a little. What am I gonna do with you girl? He was tryin’ to let her be a kid, to push past his natural fear instincts, to not shut down those silly moments and encourage her to talk to him if she was havin’ a problem, but the sad fact of it was, part of her was always gonna be way too grown up. 

Chapter Text

“You don’t think it’s a little inappropriate that they’re sharin’ a bed?” Tommy whispered, his voice carrying up the stairs from the kitchen. Joel paused on the steps to hear Maria’s response. He was finding himself in this damn awkward position more and more the longer they stayed under his brother’s roof. “It’s definitely intimate…” she offered, “—but I wouldn’t say it’s inappropriate, no. Would you be asking me that if it was Sarah?”

Joel had to curb the automatic rise in blood pressure incited within him every time he heard his daughter’s name on someone else’s lips, a desperate, drowning breathlessness that came out as anger. Ellie seemed to be the only exception to that rule and only recently. He had to remind himself that Maria was arguing in his defense here. 

Tommy sighed. “I think if Sarah was fourteen, almost fifteen, and still crawlin’ into her daddy’s bed every night, then yeah, I’d have some concerns. An’ at the end of the day, no matter what they tell people, Ellie ain’t Joel’s by blood. There’s more potential for things to get complicated…”

“Is that what you think is going on? Really?” Maria reproached. “Tommy, she clings to him like a little girl with an overgrown teddy bear and if you think your brother, the most overprotective asshole I’ve ever met, is taking advantage of that—” Joel snorted to himself. He was pretty sure he’d made that same teddy bear analogy once or twice.

“I didn’t say he was takin’ advantage—” Tommy had the nerve to sound offended. It was implied, baby brother. 

Maria blew out her breath in a tired huff. “Think of it this way…They’ve grown extremely close in a very short period of time; to us, it looks like one thing, but to them, their relationship is still at a toddler stage. Throw all their collective trauma into the mix and the fact that as far as we know, Ellie’s never been parented before, and it makes sense for them to be where they are.” 

Interesting take. As much as Joel disliked everyone’s constant need to analyze and diagnose normal reactions to shit as somethin’ problematic, she wasn’t wrong. 

Tommy didn’t say anything for a few seconds, then he cleared his throat. “I hear what you’re sayin’. But don’t you think it’ll fuck her up somehow? Goin’ through her stages all backwards?” Can’t fuck her up any worse that she already is. Apparently, his sister-in-law was of a similar mind because she let out a sober laugh. “Oh honey, that poor girl is already fucked up; so is he; so are we all for that matter.” 

Joel closed his eyes and exhaled, then he made the decision to go back upstairs and find Ellie, see how she was gettin’ on with her preparations for their lake trip. He didn’t want nothin’ to do with his holier-than-thou little brother for the time being, and Maria seemed to have the situation well in hand. Joel was just lucky he’d come down the stairs before Ellie in the first place so she didn’t have to have her fun day ruined listenin’ to Tommy’s speculation.

Ellie was dressed in her rash guard and a pair of purple shorts; he was pretty sure she’d put the offending bottoms on underneath just like they’d talked about. However, bein’ fourteen and full of nervous anticipation, she forgot her backpack upstairs, and in it, she forgot to pack anything to change into after swimming, as well as a towel, so Joel grabbed a fresh outfit for her and rolled it up into his bag with their snacks, a large piece of wood, and a knife for whittling; he folded a couple towels into hers. 

By the time he made it back downstairs, Ellie was already babbling excitedly with Tommy at the dining table. She was holding a sketch book and some pencils, something he assumed his brother gave her by the look on her face. “Do you think you can do that for me?” he asked, just as Joel appeared at the base of the stairs.

“I guess so,” she said. “Joel—Tommy says I’m supposed to draw a picture of something we see at the lake so he can hang it up on the fridge.”

He snorted. That was real cute. Not for the first time, Joel admired just how quickly Tommy had accepted Ellie as family. He hadn’t even needed a couple days to adjust to the idea before he was all in—His brother may be moralizing as shit, but he wasn’t all bad, and it had to be good for Ellie to have another man in her life that she trusted. “Well you’d better keep your eye out then,” Joel told her, then passed her her 9mm. “Safety on and in your bag,” he instructed.

“Yes sir,” Ellie saluted him with a silly smile. She took her bag back from him and opened it. “Dude— I can’t fit my gun and this drawing book in here with all these fucking towels,” she whined. 

Rolling his eyes, Joel reached out for one of them; she handed him the biggest one, of course, and he stuffed it into his own pack. It was good he’d decided to wear his guns on his belt for the day, otherwise he would’ve been fighting for space alongside all her other crap. Tommy was wearin’ a shit eating grin again, and when they made to leave, he clapped him on the shoulder. “I’ll put you on the patrol schedule startin’ next week.”

“I want to be on it too!” Ellie interjected. “Joel, tell him I’m good enough to be on it.”

“I don’ care what Joel tells me; you’re not goin’ on the schedule and that’s that,” Tommy frowned. “We don’ allow anyone under sixteen, an’ even at sixteen you need an experienced, adult partner to go with you.”

“Tommy’s right.” Joel backed his brother up, grateful that Tommy had some common sense at least. “You are real capable, Ellie. Nobody’s arguin’ that,” he pacified. “The problem is you shouldn’t have to be; your mind should be focused on other shit, not on killin’ infected.” 

“Fine,” she sighed dramatically. “I’ll go on it next year then.” 

Joel didn’t bother to correct her and he shot his brother a deterrent look. They could fight about it some other time. “Alright well— why don’ we head out, kiddo? You got everything?” he prodded.

“Yep!” she said, even though she had actually forgotten quite a bit. Joel chuckled. It’s alright, she’s just nervous. It had been an almost undefinable stretch of time since she’d hung out with other teenagers. Sam didn’t count in Joel’s mind because that was only a couple days, at the end of which the boy had died violently in front of her. Before that, he imagined Riley— the best friend Ellie was supposedly kissin’— was the last person her own age she had encountered, and Riley also died…violently…in front of her. He was hopin’ today wouldn’t end in another tragedy to add to the little girl’s already extensive rap sheet. 

“Have fun you two!” Maria called from the kitchen, and they were off.

The girl that Joel recognized as Dina, stood with two women and two teenage boys by the West gate when Joel and Ellie arrived. The first woman was younger, maybe in her early forties, obviously Dina’s mother. They both had the same olive skin tone and curly, black hair. The second woman, who he assumed was Esther, appeared closer to Joel in age; the first thing he noticed about Esther was that she minded her son with her eyes, whereas Dina’s mom seemed to be absorbed in conversation with the guard at the gate, at least he figured the skinny, brown haired boy was Esther’s son, because the kid beside him was Asian, Chinese maybe and the only one not accompanied by a parent. 

“Ellie!” Dina called as soon as she spotted the two of them approaching. The other girl jogged over and grabbed Ellie’s hand to pull her into the group. He caught the brief flash of panic in Ellie’s eyes that she quickly masked, but he didn’t interfere. This was something she needed to do by herself. Joel caught up with the group a little bit slower, just in time to hear Dina make the introductions. “This is Isaac, and Jesse, and my mom, and Isaac’s mom Esther— Guys this is Ellie and Ellie’s dad Joel.”

Damn, he was never gonna get tired of hearin’ that. It wasn’t just the words, it was the sense of identity— the sense of purpose they gave him. He wasn’t just Joel anymore, he was Ellie’s dad. 

The Jesse kid reached out right away and shook Ellie’s hand, putting his other hand on her shoulder in a friendly, sort of brotherly greeting; if Joel had to guess, he’d say this kid was a bit older, maybe sixteen or seventeen. He thought the impromptu touching might make Ellie uncomfortable, but it didn’t seem to. Then Jesse shook Joel’s hand and reintroduced himself. Isaac on the other hand hung back and made a small waving motion in their direction, but nothing else. The boy kept his eyes downward-facing.

One key part of the dynamic that Joel noticed right off the bat was that Ellie and Isaac seemed to be the younger wards of Dina and Jesse respectively, not that they were that much younger per se, but they were both smaller, underfed, less socialized. Tommy had mentioned that Esther and her boy hadn’t been in Jackson very long, so that made sense. Joel’s best guess was that Dina and Jesse were the original friends, and Isaac had been pulled into the group much in the same manner that Ellie had. 

“Hi Joel— I’m Renata,” Dina’s mom shook his hand; Esther just shot him a neutral smile.  

“Nice meetin’ you,” he said back, just as his gut pulled him in the opposite direction. “Now Ellie— Don’ go too far please!” he called after the group of kids as they left through the gate and started walking. “Don’t worry, we won’t!” Dina called back, then she turned to the two boys and said in a loud whisper, “Ellie’s dad is really protective.”

Joel supposed he deserved that one after draggin’ her out of their last meeting like he had. He just counted his blessings it wasn’t, Ellie’s dad is a real asshole, or Ellie’s dad is a total dick, somethin’ along those lines. He didn’t want his behavior to negatively impact her if he could help it.

Renata gave him what he thought was supposed to be a reassuring smile. “They’re all pretty good with Outside safety, Jesse especially— he just started doing patrols with Eugene a few weeks ago.” Joel didn’t know who Eugene was, but goin’ on patrol meant the boy had to be at least sixteen. 

“Still, I don’ want her goin’ too far.” Joel grumbled, trying to keep the annoyance in his voice to a minimum.

“I agree. We should keep them close,” Esther said with authority, and he appreciated the support. “I know Dina and Jesse are pretty used to it, and I don’t know about Ellie, but Isaac’s really skittish on the Outside,” she told Renata. “I’m not sure how he’d do if we ran into any trouble.” Skittish wasn’t a word Joel would use to describe Ellie, but it didn’t matter, he still didn’t want her to run into any trouble while she had her guard down. They were supposed to be avoiding any life-altering tragedy today. 

Joel couldn’t say for sure, but he got the impression that Esther and Renata weren’t quite friends, like they were also just getting to know each other; their initial conversations were introductory and shallow. When they caught up with the kids, Joel was surprised to note that Ellie was walking with Isaac, not Dina, talking animatedly about something that was in the boy’s hand. “Are you kidding me? I bet you just like Captain Ryan because Dr. Daniela’s a girl! She’s WAY more badass—Did you even read Precipitate?”

“Of course I read it, but you have to admit, Captain Ryan dominated on Titan,” he argued back, and Ellie rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but they wouldn’t have even gotten to Titan if it wasn’t for the fucking jump drive!”

Ah— Savage Starlight. “Well, your boy’s just won himself a friend for life,” Joel observed, gesturing to the pair. Esther snorted. “That’s the only thing he seems to want to talk about nowadays. I read the damn things just to make dinner a little less quiet.”

Joel could relate to that. Not so much with Ellie— aside from those silent few days in Colorado; being quiet wasn’t in her nature, so there was never any want for conversation. No, It was Sarah the comment reminded him of. Even at twelve, she had been so obsessed with her wolf books, and her bands, the whole preteen punk scene, that he remembered it being hard to connect with her on a level that didn’t feel superficial. 

God, he wished he could see what she would’ve been like as an adult; he allowed the familiar longing in his chest to take over for a minute. His daughter would be thirty-one now had she lived. She would be old enough to be married— even by overprotective dad-standards—old enough to be a mother herself… which didn’t seem real, probably because it wasn’t.

Sarah would never have any of those things, and Ellie was too goddamn smart. 

She must’ve recognized that there was something off with him, because she hung back and gave him a sweet little one- armed side hug, her head tucking under his armpit. What he wanted more than anything in that moment was to hold her, to pick her up, cradle her to his chest, and never let go, but he tussled her hair instead and said, “You’re cute— Go play with your friends.” Tommy was right that she didn’t need to be worryin’ about him so much. 

Lake Teton was pretty nice as far as lakes go, not too big; there was a functional dock an’ there didn’t seem to be any signs of infected or bandits, just like Tommy said. Joel and the women set up ship on the grainy terrain, not quite sand, not quite rocks, where they laid out towels. It was good weather for swimming, not too hot or too cold, but it didn’t appear that either Esther or Renata were plannin’ to get in the water.

That suited Joel just fine. He waited to pull out his whittling till the kids got in, still apprehensive about Ellie actually going into the lake. He noted with a frown that it took her all of five seconds to bend to peer pressure as Dina, Jesse, and Isaac stripped down to their bathing suits. She pulled her purple shorts down her thighs with a hasty glance in his direction and left them in the clothing pile. 

Ellie was feeling self-conscious. It seemed wrong to walk around in her underwear both Outside, and with so many people around, even though none of them were threatening. The only man was Joel, and he didn’t count. Plus, she could totally take Isaac if he tried to do anything weird. Jesse she wasn’t sure about, but Dina was so comfortable around him, and he’d been really nice so far. Plus, nobody was gonna do anything with Joel around, glaring over her shoulder.  

He was around last time too, her annoying inner voice taunted. But it wasn’t the same. He’s not fucking handcuffed. 

She couldn’t help but sneak peaks at Dina, who was practically naked. She had on the same type of bottoms as Ellie, but in dark blue not black, and her top was just a bra in the same color. Now Ellie could really tell how developed the other girl was compared to her. She had a thin, horizontal scar on her belly, just above her bathing suit line.

Ellie had a sudden, terrible thought. What if Joel sees Dina and thinks about having sex with her? She couldn’t know for sure that he wasn’t thinking about that right now. Did the, “I would never— I could never,”  sentiment apply to girls he didn’t see as his daughter? But she quickly squashed it down. Joel was always really firm that he thought it was fucked up to want that from a kid, and he included teenage girls as kids. He even called Dina a little girl the first time he saw her. 

What the fuck is wrong with your mind that you even start thinking about that? It’s JOEL. He’s probably thinking about whittling, or guns, or me drowning or something. Besides, he wasn’t even paying attention to her friend, he was pretty much only watching her. Ellie was the pervert who kept looking at the girl. Am I the one thinking about having sex with her? —NO— Of course not. 

“Ellie? Are you ok?” Dina nudged her. Fuck. How long was she spaced out for?

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She forced a smile.

“I hope your dad wasn’t too mad at you the other day. I felt bad,” Dina said, as Jesse and Isaac started to wade into the water together. Ellie smiled for real this time. “No— We fought for like two minutes, then Maria told us to knock it off, and well… it’s Maria so…” 

Dina laughed. “I can’t even imagine. Maria’s scary.” Then she took hold of Ellie’s sleeve at the wrist and tried to tug her toward the shoreline. “Should we go in? I hope it’s not too cold—”

Ellie hesitated. It was going to be super embarrassing if she started drowning and Joel had to jump in to save her. She would rather step on a nail bomb, or have her throat ripped out by a clicker, or have Tommy walk in on her crying again—Hell—I’d rather fucking tell Joel all the disturbing thoughts I was just having— Why did I agree to go swimming again? 

Ellie figured her best bet was to be honest before anything beyond humiliating happened. “Ok, this is so embarrassing but I actually don’t know how to swim,” she admitted. “They never taught us in school, and Joel used to just put me on a palette and float me around when we were traveling, which was totally the wrong thing to do and I should’ve made him teach me instead of letting him do that—” Ellie was aware that she was rambling but she couldn’t stop.

Dina let out a laugh and grabbed both of her hands. “Oh my god Ellie, you were just gonna walk into the water and hope you didn’t drown?” 

“Well, yeah…” 

“Is that why Joel looks like he’s about to pop a vein in his face?” The other girl peered over her shoulder, still laughing. Riley would’ve teased the shit out of her, to the point where the only way Ellie could get her to let up was to learn to swim, but Dina’s eyes filled with an amused compassion. “C’mon— I’ll teach you,” she said walking backwards into the lake, still holding Ellie’s hands.

“Um…”

“Don’t be scared.” Dina grinned.

“I’m not scared!” Ellie defended, heat flooding her face as she followed the other girl into the cold water. “Relax,” Dina said when they were chest deep in the lake, a few meters off the shore. “Have you ever been in water this deep before?”

Ellie nodded. “Yeah, once. Me and Joel were running away from these military assholes in Pittsburgh, and we got trapped on this huge bridge, and Joel didn’t want to jump, because I couldn’t swim and the water was really fast, but I knew it was the only way— He was gearing up to let them kill him so I could get away I think— And so I threw myself off it before he could do anything stupid.”

“Oh my god—What the fuck? You jumped off a bridge because you were scared he was gonna do something stupid? Ok, I actually feel bad for your dad right now— He’s probably shitting himself.” Dina turned around and waved at Joel. When she caught his eyes, she gave him a thumbs up. Ellie waved too just so it wouldn’t be weird, and Joel gave her a small wave back. He was the only one watching them. Esther was reading a book to his left, and Renata was like sleeping, or tanning or something in the sun. 

Ellie remembered Dina’s claim from Sunday that her mom was overprotective now after her sister died, but Ellie didn’t see it. Maybe they had different definitions of overprotective because Renata didn’t seem to care what they were doing, and Joel wasn’t even pretending to whittle yet cos he was so engrossed. 

It wasn’t a bad thing… to be less worried. But a part of her thought he and Renata might be similar, like there was a certain way parents who had lost a child behaved. Now that Joel wasn’t fitting the schema for that, Ellie was forced to chalk his worrying up to what happened in Colorado, which she didn’t want to do, because that meant he was also thinking about it all the time. OR maybe he’s just scared because you can’t swim, OR Renata isn’t freaking out because Dina’s been to this lake a million times, OR maybe people are just different and Joel freaks out more and it has nothing to do with him watching you get raped because NOT EVERYTHING DOES. 

“We’re gonna go a little deeper, but you have to remember to tread water. You can’t like, grab onto me, or freak out and let yourself sink. You have to keep your feet moving.” Dina instructed, “—your arms too if you can.” She demonstrated the motion.

“I won’t freak out,” she promised, only half sure it was true. 

Joel watched with bated breath as Dina coaxed Ellie into the deeper water. He’d figured out by this point that Ellie must’ve fessed up about her inability to swim, because the girls appeared to be engaging in an informal lesson. When Ellie started treading water on her own, Joel blew out his breath. She was fine. It had to be kickin’ around somewhere in her natural instincts, an’ she was almost fifteen, not three. She was capable of deciding for herself when she’d had too much.

“There you go. She’s alright,” Esther nudged him. Joel sighed and picked up his piece of wood and the knife. He could still keep an eye out without glaring them down.

“Joel, you’re pretty new to fatherhood I hear,” Renata said from her horizontal position on the towel. He grunted, and Esther looked at him curiously. He wasn’t anywhere near new to fatherhood— bein’ a dad had been his whole life, what mattered of it anyways, but he wasn’t about to bring up Sarah. Instead, he started to strip the wood and said, “I didn’t know about Ellie until last year,” for Esther’s sake. 

“He brought her all the way out here from Boston,” Renata continued, and Joel experienced a brief moment of irritation. Why did this woman he barely knew feel the need to share about his life? 

“Oh wow, that’s a big change. What were you doing in Boston?” Esther asked.

“Nothin’ important,” he said, hoping to put an end to the conversation.

It worked, and while the kids played their own game, Joel was treated to a play-by-play of Renata’s life since outbreak day. Luckily, he was not expected to respond or make comments like Esther was. Dina’s mom was clearly one of those people who dropped random facts about themselves on unsuspecting victims for attention.

In the short span of time between when Ellie got in the water, and when they took a break for lunch, Joel learned that Renata used to be addicted to painkillers in New Mexico, which had turned into a full-blown opiate addiction, which had then graduated into prostituting for drugs— which in itself wasn’t somethin’ Joel was inclined to judge. 

It was a tough world out there for women; he knew Tess had turned a few tricks in her day, till she found better ways to make a living. Wasn’t somethin’ she shared out in the open for anyone to listen, but it was a fact. No— Joel didn’t judge that sort of shit, until the woman freely admitted to neglectin’ her two daughters.

It made him physically ill when she informed them that she’d caught Talia, her oldest, workin’ the corners a few times to try an’ keep a roof over their heads. What in the hell was wrong with people who were willing to offer up information like this to virtual strangers? 

Apparently, Dina, at ten-years-old had been forced to kill an angry john goin’ after her mom. After that, Talia, who herself had still been Ellie’s age at the time for Christsakes— had taken Dina and run off. Renata had the decency to go quiet for a few minutes after mentioning that Talia had since died.

Jesus fuck. 

Joel had a lot of regrets when it came to parenting Sarah. He wasn’t around enough; he wasn’t as open with her about her mom as he shoulda been; he left her with Tommy way too much; And the biggest one of all, he couldn’t keep hold of her when that military asshole had started shootin’ at them, but Renata… she had him beat. Bein’ a young parent wasn’t a good enough excuse. 

“—That’s why I go so crazy now when Dina talks about Jesse, I mean he’s a nice boy— and he’s from a really good family, but I’m not ready for grand-babies yet. I always tell her, if she’s gonna have sex, she needs to make sure he pulls out. Course, she still thinks sex is gross, but I told her it’ll sneak up faster than she thinks—” Renata droned on.

“I’m sure,” Esther said, shooting Joel a withered look.

By lunch time, Ellie was moderately good at swimming if she was near shallow water, and very well-versed in Marco Polo. She was still too nervous to jump off the dock, something Jesse and Isaac kept doing to try and see who could make the biggest splash, but nobody made her feel like she had to. Joel looked really bored by the time they got back to the towels to eat, but when she approached, he put down his stick and smiled. “If I’d’ve known it would be that easy to teach you to swim, I would’ve done it back in Boston.”

“Psh— I’m still not good at it,” she snorted, then sat down on the rocks beside him, little pieces of sand and dirt sticking to her wet thighs. Ellie’s teeth started to chatter. Now that they were out of the water, the cold was beginning to set in. “Here—” Joel scooched up so that she could sit on the dry towel, then he pulled out the other one from her bag and wrapped it around her shoulders. 

“Mom— Can I stay at Jesse’s tonight?” Isaac asked as soon as he sat down. Esther handed him a sandwich and rolled her eyes. “That’s twice this week.”

“We were gonna watch Serenity, the Firefly movie.” That peaked Ellie’s interest. “What’s the Firefly movie?” she asked. Surely, not a movie about the actual Fireflies. The sergeants back in Boston that taught her classes would've gotten a kick out of that... NOT. 

“It’s a dumb space movie,” Dina said, and Ellie sat up on her knees indignantly. “Hey! Space movies aren’t dumb! What’s it about?”

“Not you too,” The other girl sighed. Then she opened her mouth again, no doubt to give a bad explanation. Jesse held up a hand. “Here, let me—” He grinned. “Firefly, is an epic show about a group of survivors living on the fringes of society in another solar system after Earth got destroyed. The main characters live on a spaceship called Serenity, and the movie Serenity is about River, one of the survivors getting hunted down by a member of the Alliance for a secret that I can’t mention now because it’ll spoil the movie for Isaac."

"Nerd," Dina taunted. 

Jesse ignored her. "If you like space stuff Ellie, you should come over and watch with us,” he offered. “—my parents won’t mind.

“Yeah, you’ll love Zoe,” Isaac added. “She’s the first mate on the ship and a total badass.” 

A warmth settled in Ellie’s chest. “No it’s ok. I’ll watch it some other time,” she said. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to watch the movie, because SHE SO DID, and it wasn’t like she didn’t want to hang out with them more, but she didn’t want to exclude Dina, who didn’t seem interested, and she kind of just wanted to relax with Joel after the lake and have dinner with Tommy and Maria, so she could tell them about it.

“Good choice,” Dina snorted. “First it’s Firefly, then the next thing you know, they’re talking your ear off about the mechanics of space travel, or what galaxy we live in—”

“Sorry, but that actually sounds pretty epic,” Ellie said, taking the jerky that Joel offered to her. She leaned back against his legs and he put a hand on her shoulder.

“Aw— Ellie, you’re so cute. You’re such a daddy’s girl,” Renata commented and Dina shot her a look. “Mom, c’mon,” she groaned. “Do you have to say stuff like that?”

“What’s a daddy’s girl?” Ellie asked, looking up at Joel. The only other person she’d heard use the word daddy in reference to Joel was David, so that didn’t bode well for her. “Is that something gross?” she cringed. 

“No—” Both Joel and Esther responded at the same time, Joel wearing a slightly more alarmed expression. “No honey—” Esther continued. “It’s just a girl who’s really attached to her dad. That’s all.”

“Oh, ok,” Ellie responded, and even though it now made her self-conscious to do so, she leaned back further into Joel’s legs. He squeezed her shoulder. “Why don’ you finish your food so you can get a bit more water time?” he suggested.

Dina grinned and poked her arm. “Yeah— I still wanna see you jump off that dock.”

“Joel, aren’t you gonna stop this?” She put on a fake pouting expression. “I could totally drown.” 

“’Fraid not baby girl.” He smirked. “This one’s up to you.”

Chapter Text

One very ungraceful flop and what felt like three liters of slimy lake water in her belly, and Ellie was officially done swimming for the day. Dina and Jesse stayed in the lake, Ellie thought they might want some alone time— Neither party said it, but they acted like boyfriend-girlfriend, so she figured if they weren’t there already, they were close.

When she declared herself done, Joel offered to hold up a towel so she could change her clothes, then he did her hair in a braid, which Renata said was, “the cutest thing she’d EVER seen.”

Even though Ellie loved how sweet Joel could be with her sometimes, she felt a prickly sort of discomfort when Dina’s mom pointed it out, like she was sensationalizing it somehow, making the nice things he did feel cheap. And no matter what Esther said it meant, Ellie still didn’t like being called daddy’s girl. The first thing that popped into her head was that breathless, heady voice saying, “There you go daddy. You tried, I respect that, but Ellie don’ want me to stop.” 

Yes, Ellie fucking did. Just not at any cost. Was she wrong for not letting David kill Joel? Her gut instinct was FUCK NO, but a small voice in the back of her head overrode that instinct. He gave you a choice and you let him rape you. 

She got rid of those thoughts by imagining what Joel would do if she told him how she felt. Even if he disagreed, even if he wished David did kill him, he wouldn’t say it. No— He would hug her close, pet her hair, kiss her head with his whiskery beard, and whisper that it wasn’t her fault. His words would put a band-aid over the gaping wound for a while.

Ellie was stretched out on one of their towels scribbling in her new sketch book next to Isaac who was flipping through the last Savage Starlight comic: Singularity. “You know, I don’t get what Dr. Daniela’s so mad about— I think Captain Ryan made the right choice in the end, and they destroyed the Travelers so…” he trailed off.

“You’re just biased,” Ellie snorted. “It didn’t have to be that way, and he totally doesn’t deserve to be treated like a hero.”

Joel leaned over her shoulder and cleared his throat. “Uh—Ellie—” he interrupted. “That’s a real nice drawing an’ all, but you ain’t plannin’ on puttin’ that on Tommy’s fridge, are you?”

Ellie frowned and looked back at her picture. “He said draw something at the lake…”

Joel lowered his voice, like he didn’t want anyone else to hear. “I don’ think he meant a picture of Dina in her bathin’ suit, honey. Him an’ Maria, they get a lot of traffic through the house— It might look a bit—” He was struggling to get the words out.

“Oh.” Ellie’s face flooded with heat. “I didn’t think of that.”

“Maybe you can jus’ keep that one for yourself,” he suggested, his lips pressed in a thin line, and she got the distinct impression that he was masking amusement. Great. Now Joel thinks you’re a pervert too. She scowled and hid her face in his jeans. 

“Aw kiddo— Don’ be like that.” He patted her wet hair. “Jus’ pick somethin’ new to draw an’ do it later, or tell my brother to fuck off for all I care.”

“You should give it to Jesse,” Isaac snorted; he was too close not to hear their conversation. “I’m sure he’ll be happy to keep it for you.”

“I’m not giving it to Jesse. That’s gross.” Her scowl deepened.

“But it’s not gross for you to have it?” he chuckled.

“Shut the fuck up!” Ellie hissed defensively; she reached out to smack his arm. 

“Ellie—” Joel intervened, fingers clasping around her wrist at the same time Esther spoke up. “Isaac, that’s enough.”

She yanked her hand away. If she hadn’t been so irritated, she would’ve noticed that that was the second time today Esther and Joel said the same thing at the same time. Despite her earlier in the week predictions, they were way more similar than Joel and Renata, who appeared oblivious to the quiet altercation. 

When Dina got out of the water, Ellie hastily scribbled something else onto her drawing and closed the book, then she waited for the other girl to dry off. She didn’t hide behind a towel like Ellie; instead, she left her bathing suit on wet and got dressed over top, not seeming to mind the dark spots the water created on her sweatshirt and jeans.

“Hey you—” Dina sat down next to Ellie, smushing close enough that it forced Joel away. He got up without complaining and starting packing their shit. The girl smirked. “Were you drawing something?”

The subsequent awkwardness was almost enough to make Ellie chicken out, but she pushed past it and flipped open the book again, tearing out the picture she made and handing it to Dina. The drawing was a close up of the girl sitting on the edge of the dock, splashing her feet in the water; her lips were turned up with laughter, fly-away hairs framing her face. It was the view Ellie had when she resurfaced, coughing and spluttering from her diving fail. On the side, she’d written, Thanks for inviting me, Ellie.

Isaac snickered into his comic book, but he didn’t rat her out. 

“Oh Ellie—” Dina grinned as she took the picture. “This is beautiful. Where did you learn to draw like this?” 

“Nowhere really.” Ellie flushed at the praise. 

“Hey Jesse—Look what Ellie drew me.” Dina handed the paper to the older boy who had finished re-dressing and was now helping Joel organize. He took it and his eyes widened with excitement. “Hey—This is awesome! Ellie, how are you with maps? We need someone to draw for our D&D campaign. You can play too, even Dina’s letting me con her into it this time.”

“He said I could add Japan as my horse in the game,” Dina shrugged, as if that was all the explanation necessary. 

“Uh— I could probably draw a map,” she said, thinking it over. Then she paused. “But I don’t know what D-N-D is.” 

“God help us, now you’ve done it.” The other girl rolled her eyes and sighed. 

Now you’ve done it, was right. Jesse’s explanation of the game, which she learned was actually called Dungeons & Dragons, took them well into the walk home, and barely any of it made sense. Ellie didn’t recognize the words he used, like Orcs, or Bards, or Paladins. Apparently, it was like a board game, but with no board and a set of funny looking dice. Ellie had played board games before, but only the boring as fuck ones on the military approved list, like Battleship, Axis and Allies, and Risk, but this one sounded different. She was disappointed to learn it was not space themed, though he said one day they could maybe play a campaign? of it in space, whatever that meant. 

As confusing as she found Jesse’s explanation, at least she wasn’t Joel. Part of her attention was diverted when Renata started talking to him about how her dad was never really around in her childhood. Ellie had to stifle a giggle. She wasn’t laughing at the woman’s history; it wasn’t funny, it was actually sad— but it was a little bit funny because Joel so clearly did NOT care and he wasn’t even answering her back, but she kept talking anyways. 

She did feel sort of bad for Dina, who looked at her mom and cringed every time she said something too awkward or personal. But it wasn’t just Ellie who noticed, and Jesse kept distracting her, pulling Dina back into the game conversation with questions. It was weird that Dina was the kid, and she also didn’t have a dad, but Renata was the one complaining about it. 

They took a different path this time, cutting through a half-formed trail in a more wooded area than before. Ellie was so wrapped up in Jesse’s D&D lecture and secretly trying to listen in on Joel and Renata, that she didn’t even notice anything was wrong until Joel pulled her out of the group with a firm hand on her arm, silencing Dina’s mom with a look.

Click. Click. Click. 

Shit. Ellie slipped her knife out of the side pocket of her backpack, adrenaline stirring in her veins. The group had gone silent, and Joel held up two fingers. Two clickers. That wasn’t so bad. They’d had worse. Joel motioned that he was going to deal with it, at least that’s what Ellie understood, and she moved to follow him. She could help; she knew all his strategies, but he shot her a stern, warning glare that stopped her in her tracks. 

Asshole.

It looked like Esther was going to go, drawing her own gun. Joel didn’t say anything about that, which was ANNOYING, but she tried to re-frame it as a sign of love. Joel loved her, and he didn’t want her in danger even if he knew she could handle it, even if she’d handled much worse danger in the past, on her own no less. Jesse and Dina weren’t freaking out, despite the fact that neither of them were armed, but Isaac looked like he was about to shit himself. Ellie tried to give him a comforting nudge and the boy nearly jumped out of his skin.

Everything was going fine until Renata let out a high-pitched yelp, the sound startling them— pinpointing their location for the clickers. “Fuck! Sorry— I got stung by a bee!” She winced, and Joel looked murderous.

“Mom!” Dina hissed.

The frenzied screeching and clicking moved in their direction, two nasty, mangled bodies limping their way at a concerning pace. Ellie yanked the water bottle out of Jesse’s hand and chucked it at a nearby tree, the sound ricocheting off a branch— The clickers changed position and Joel lunged forward to seize the opportunity, jamming a shiv into the neck of the closest infected. Ellie didn’t wait around for someone else to assist— She didn’t think Esther had a knife anyways, and it was risky to start shooting with everyone standing so close together.

Ellie jumped on the back of the second clicker and stabbed through it’s throat just as Joel was setting down his own kill. The infected wailed in protest, thrashing against her as she yanked the knife out and rammed it in again, blood spurting all over her arms. The fungal plates on its back dug into her breastbone, but she held pressure until the thing started to hemorrhage and collapse.

Joel picked her up by her arm before it could fall on top of her, and dragged her away, putting some distance between them and the dead clickers. When he had her close, he checked her over for injuries in mechanical silence. He wasn’t mad; he was just switched on. Joel in full Outside mode wasn’t the same Joel who liked to hold and snuggle her, or the Joel who thought jokes were funny (she’d learned that the hard way)— He was focused, serious, and grim.

The rest of their group, who had backed off to give them space, now surrounded them, Esther and Jesse checking over the bodies, making sure they were dead. “Everybody clean?” Esther called. “Ellie? Joel?”

“We’re clean,” she said for them, because Joel was still on edge. When she spoke, he unwound a little and drew her into a one-armed embrace. “That was quick thinkin’, kiddo— What you did with the water bottle.” 

“I’m really sorry guys,” Renata said sheepishly. “But hey— It all worked out. Now I know not to mess with Ellie.”

Dina was facing away from her mom with her nose in Jesse’s shoulder. 

Esther went straight from looking at the bodies to standing over Isaac, who wasn’t ok. He was on his knees on the ground and was ghostly pale, his eyes wide and glassy, expression unfocused. He rocked back and forth in time with his breath. His mom bent down to talk to him quietly, but Ellie was close enough to hear. “Isaac, honey— Get up so we can go home. We don’t want to keep everyone waiting.”

He didn’t respond. He didn’t even look at her, just kept up the slow back and forth. Something about the fear in his eyes in that moment reminded Ellie of Sam. Is he bit? Fuck— No. He wasn’t bit. He couldn’t’ve been; he was nowhere near the clickers.

Esther was trying hard not to cause a scene, but she was running out of options. They didn’t have the same relationship as Ellie and Joel where she could just pick up her son and hold him. That was more embarrassing for boys and their moms and she probably figured he would be embarrassed enough.

Joel stepped forward to try and help. “Son—” He gentled his voice and extended an arm. “Get on up now. We don’ wanna stick around too long, just in case we ain’t alone.”

Isaac ignored him too. Ellie wracked her brain for something she could do to help. Why was he reminding her so much of Sam? If it wasn’t being bitten, it had to be the fear— Fear of the infected? Or…Oh. Isn’t it obvious? 

She got down on her knees and scooched close to Isaac. She wanted to grab his hands, but hers still had blood on them, so she settled for one hand on his leg. “Clickers have been infected for a long time, Isaac. That’s why their heads are shaped like that, and why they don’t even look human anymore.”

He let out a shaky exhale. Ellie didn’t wait for anything else before she continued. “It’s good to kill them, not just to protect us, but to protect the people trapped inside.”

Isaac’s head snapped up in response. Yeah—That’s what it is. “You’ve read Issue 2— Messenger Particle, right?”

He gave her a small, discernible nod.

“Dr. Daniela lost contact with the test pilot, and when he returned he was transformed, you remember?—Like, he wasn’t the same. They had to kill him to free him. That’s the only way they could keep him from being stuck as a Traveler forever.” She paused to allow him time to think about it, then said, “That’s what killing infected does. It frees the person inside. Otherwise they just get worse and worse until you can’t even see anything under all the layers of infection.” 

He swallowed thickly, his voice low and hoarse. “It just sucks to think about.” 

“I know. Trust me. My best friend got infected back in Boston; we were together when it happened, and my friend Sam too, but I’m glad they died instead of having to live like that.”

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah.” She didn’t like to think about what would’ve happened to Riley if Marlene hadn’t found them. She might still be in that mall, a dead grotesque body in the shape of her friend, with fungus growing from her nails, her eyes, her mouth—” Ellie curbed that thought before it could make her sick. 

It took a few more minutes and Isaac didn’t say anything else back, but eventually, he got up from the ground and brushed the dirt off his knees. He kept his head down, even though everybody was giving him space. His mom closed their tentative distance. “Ready to go, kiddo?” she asked, putting a hand on his arm.

When they came through the main gate in Jackson, Renata left to go meet another friend and Esther and Isaac split off and went straight home. “I don’t know if we’re still watching the movie tonight, but if we aren’t, you can come over—” Jesse was whispering to Dina.

“Maybe, just a sec—” she said back, then turned to Ellie. “Hey, sorry things ended a little awkward…” Dina trailed off, “I swear there’s not usually infected out there. But it was really nice, what you did for Isaac, and I mean—I kinda guessed already that you were brave, but jumping on that clicker’s back was pretty fucking badass.”

Heat spread through her cheeks. “Um… thanks.”

“We should hang out again soon.” Dina smiled and rubbed the back of her neck. “Maybe you can come have a sleepover next week sometime.”

Ellie was going to say yes, but Joel joined the conversation before she was able. “Why don’ you invite Dina over to see your new room, when it’s all finished an’ painted?” he asked. “Shouldn’t be too much longer.” That was Joel code for, “Go easy on me, baby girl.” 

He wasn’t ready to let her go for that long. That should make her annoyed, but it just made her want to cling onto his neck like a little girl. He was probably thinking of not being able to keep her safe from David, or Sarah from dying, or some amalgamation of those two terrible things, and Maria was right. She needed to take his feelings into consideration too, at least until they got more settled. There was also the fact that sleepovers included sleep, and even the thought of Joel going to bed in a different room from her spiked her blood pressure— let alone a different house. The room thing would be the more attainable goal to work up to by next week, especially if he put string lights on the walls like he promised. 

“That sounds great,” Dina said, oblivious to the depth behind the exchange. “I would hug you but…” She wrinkled her nose, eying the dried clicker blood all over Ellie’s arms and shirt. “Yeah… No hard feelings there.” Ellie smirked. They said their goodbyes and Dina took off down the street with Jesse.

“I’m mighty proud of you, Ellie,” Joel said when the other girl was out of sight. “You did real good today— With your swimmin’, an’ makin’ friends, and how you handled that little situation on the way back. You’re a good kid.”

The last time he'd told her that, she’d gotten upset and started ignoring him in the jeep on the way to Jackson, so she tried to do better this time. It was hard to accept the praise, because she didn’t feel like a good kid, but instead of telling Joel that, she pressed her face into his chest and let him snuggle her for a minute. That was as good as she could be. 

Unlike Dina, he didn’t seem to mind the blood one bit. 

Chapter Text

“I’ll bet she’s tight as a bow string.” Ellie heard the whisper in her head— the panic—the adrenaline. She felt the knife go into Danny’s EYES—his CHEEKS—his NOSE, disfiguring his face into an unrecognizable mound of bone and stringy flesh—all so he would shut the FUCK up.

The sweetheart guy stared at her, not screaming, not doing anything. He looked confused. This was supposed the part where Joel came back. Where is Joel? She stabbed again and the knife squelched into his eye socket, the force of the blow sinking the blade deeper into his brain.

Stop-LAUGHING-at-me!—Stop-LOOKING-at-me!—Oh God, it hurt so bad— JOEL I need you. She stabbed— and stabbed—and stabbed—until the echo of their laughter faded into white noise.

Ellie fell back onto the gas station floor to take in what she’d done, her knife still sticking out of Danny’s eye, and that’s when she noticed the watch on the left hand of the body… the familiar dark green band that was almost black… the shattered face.

No—No—No— A sense of overwhelming dread froze her in place, then dark, dawning horror. She didn’t kill Danny; she killed Joel. “Eyes on me, baby girl— “ he whispered in her mind. “Just keep your eyes on me—Nnhh— Ah—That’s a good girl—I’m almost there—” 

“No!” Ellie woke up screaming, her body propelling itself forward, eyes wide and unseeing. Large hands closed around her arms as she struggled to get away. “No! Don’t touch me—Please don’t touch me!—Please—No—No—No—” Ellie kicked and keened away, the blankets tangling around her legs. 

“Baby, look at me,” A voice implored. “You’re safe. You’re in bed. It was just a dream. Look at me—” He cupped her face so she had no choice but to see him—to see Joel. She let out a throaty whine and pressed down into the junction between his torso and his hip. It wasn’t real. It was just a dream. “You’re safe.” He repeated, so it must be true. His hand rubbed her back in a circular motion. “Jus’ breathe,” he soothed, putting more pressure into the action, like he could coax the air out of her. 

Somewhere in the distance she heard a soft knock and a woman’s voice asking, “Is Ellie alright?,” followed by a deep, reassuring response, but she was too far away to know if it was real or in her head. She was warm—and safe—and Joel was with her—not all mangled and dead. He was shushing her, trying to coax her back to sleep. He wasn’t grunting, or whispering in her ear, or making any other weird noises. He wasn’t hurting her.

Ellie reached out and fumbled around until she found his wrist, feeling for the watch on his arm, just to check. Her eyes closed again when her fingers made contact with the cool metal, and she drifted off into darkness.

Ellie was still clutching Joel’s watch arm when she woke up the next morning. He stirred when she shifted closer, but didn’t say anything. She scooted up to put an ear against his chest and he rested a hand between her shoulder blades. Ellie listened to his heartbeat for long moments, trying to breathe in time with the gentle thrumming. “I thought the dreams would stop… after we talked,” she trailed off, her voice small. “But it’s still you. Why does it have to be you?"

Joel sighed long and low, then scooted back a bit. “It’s just your mind tryin’ to make sense of things, that’s all,” he said. “You’re too young to be dealin’ with any of this. It crosses wires in your brain that shouldn’t be crossed.” That sounded to Ellie like a nice way of saying she was fucked up for life now.

When she didn’t say anything back, he cleared his throat. “Do you wanna talk about it some more?”

She shook her head. 

“Ok—” he said, then hesitated. “—But don’ get to the point where you’re buildin’ it up inside your head, alright?” His tone was almost pleading. “If you’re startin’ to feel like it’s more than a bad dream, you gotta let me know so we can talk about it.” 

“I know it’s just a dream,” she mumbled into his shirt. He’s gotta be relieved about that. She hugged him as hard as she could, and he squeezed her back, but he looked more pained than relieved as he jostled them out of bed, grunting and stretching, then cracking his neck. Better to just change the topic.

“Why do I have to stay in Jackson but you get to go out on patrol?” Ellie huffed, flopping down on the comforter again.

“Says the girl in the dinosaur pajamas…” Joel glanced down at her dino-SNORE sleep shirt and smirked like he didn’t fucking pick it out for her in the first place. At least he wasn’t going to push her to talk. Ellie thought the pajamas made her look like an eleven-year-old boy, but Joel adored them; he always liked things that made her seem like more of a kid, which sounded creepy when she phrased it like that, but it wasn’t. Actually, she was pretty sure it was some fucked up way of trying to protect her—Or maybe it was her fault and she was confusing him with her mood swings. 

She was confusing them both. 

Half the time she wanted him to play with her and do all the dad and daughter things they missed out on from when she was a child, and the next minute she wanted to push boundaries and start arguments like he was holding her back from growing up.

In these calm moments before they started their day, the child part of her usually won. “Shut up! Did you hear your neck crack just now? If anyone’s a fucking dinosaur it’s you. Why aren’t there rules about old people going on patrol?”

“Oh Christ, Ellie— I ain’t even fifty yet.” He snorted, looking unimpressed. 

“Maybe not, but you can get infected. I can’t even do that.” She could hear his response already. You can still get your fucking throat ripped out. 

“That don’t mean you can’t get hurt,” he replied automatically. He was so predictable. “We’ve talked about this, an’ I ain’t about to rehash it. Besides, it’s not jus’ me you’ve gotta convince now. Tommy was pretty clear he ain’t puttin’ you on that schedule no matter what I say.”

“But I could just go with you…” she tried again, some of the desperation leaking into her tone. “Even Tommy can’t stop me from going Outside with my literal dad.”

Literal wasn’t the right word to use, but it sounded fitting, and Joel always melted when she used the dad word. 

It wasn’t that she was desperate to go on a killing spree or anything. She didn’t like killing, even killing infected. Ellie would be happy to stay in town and work on fixing up their house like they’d been doing for the past few days, choosing colors and furniture, picking out bedding. She also wouldn’t mind seeing Dina again, or Jesse, or Isaac—separate from Joel, but where he was still safely encased in Jackson’s walls with a 0.0005% chance of anything bad happening.

No— What bothered her about this morning was that he was going Outside without her, taking off to some random place, with some random person (actually she was pretty sure it was Esther, which made her feel a tiny bit better). But still… Anything could happen. He could get hurt, or infected, or killed by bandits, all while Ellie was going about her day, blissfully unaware. 

Maybe she was naïve to think that her presence alone could keep Joel out of peril, but maybe it could… It wouldn’t be the first time. At least Ellie had experience covering Joel’s back. Esther didn’t.

Joel frowned and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s just a few hours, kiddo— Ain’t nothin’ to worry about. You’ll be with Maria; you guys can talk about all the girly shit you don’ talk about with me— It’ll be good for you, good for both of us.” 

That was SUCH bullshit. For one, there wasn’t anything Ellie didn’t talk about with Joel, girly or not and he knew it. Two— Ellie wasn’t part of the conversation, but she’d overheard the brothers arguing the other night after they got back from the lake. Joel wanted to go on patrol; he wanted to be useful, but he refused to leave Ellie home alone while he was gone. 

He also didn’t want her roaming around town by herself, and he didn’t want to send Ellie over to Dina’s house like Maria suggested because he, “didn’t trust Renata as far as he could throw her,” so, he asked Tommy to watch her— But Tommy had an overlapping patrol and thought Joel was being overly paranoid. Then, he'd said something to imply that Joel never had a problem leaving his kid alone before, which Ellie assumed was a reference to Sarah, and of course, that set Joel off. To prevent the fight from escalating, Maria had offered to take Ellie out with her for the day. 

Now here he was, acting like it was a good thing for them to spend some time apart, making her feel like she was a big baby for being worried, when he was only going in the first place because his conditions had been met. “Fine—” Ellie glared, “—But if you get bitten and Esther has to shoot you in the head, I’m not going to your funeral. I won't even miss you.” 

She didn’t wait around for him to respond, instead, she left the room and went to the bathroom where she got dressed in jeans and one of her nice, big sweaters. Ellie pulled her hair back to look at the shaved spot on her head, the last visible evidence from her surgery. The hair was starting to grow again, a short little tuft of auburn under her ponytail. She was also happy to note that her cheeks were fuller now, her ribs not quite so visible. The permanent dark circles under her eyes were beginning to lift, and she just overall looked less…gaunt. 

Joel and Tommy were both downstairs by the time Ellie was done getting ready and when she appeared in the kitchen, Tommy was the first to greet her, a huge, smart-ass fucking grin on his face. “Hey Ellie— Can I ask you a question?”

“Uh—sure…” she trailed off, immediately suspicious.

“Do you know what they call someone who’s NOT a vegetarian?”

Ellie shot him a confused look. 

“A meteor.” He smirked.

Oh. That was the stupidest one yet but it still made her heart swell and then burst, laughter chasing away some of the lingering shadows from her nightmare. She’d only known Tommy for a week and a half—And she was showing her true colors as a stupid, needy, pathetic, little orphan for thinking it, but oh God, she loved him already. Nobody in her whole life, not Joel, not even Marlene, had been this nice to her, this fast. “That’s so dumb,” she said. “I don’t even think it counts as a space joke.”

“I think you jus’ don’ wanna admit that I have better puns than you,” he teased, putting a plate of pancakes down in front of her at the table.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Joel are you hearing this bullshit?” Ellie demanded. “Tell him how I kept us going for weeks—WEEKS on those things.”

Joel sat down and slung his arm over the back of her chair. “I have to agree with the lady,” he said. “Forty-some years collectin’ ‘em’s got nothin’ on that girl’s joke book.”

“See now thas the difference between you an’ me Ellie. I don’ need the book.” The smirk never left Tommy’s face.  

Indignation rose like hot air in her throat. “Hey! I never said I needed the book! Joel you’re such a jerk—” She accused. 

“Can’t win for losin’.” Joel muttered and rubbed his forehead. “Would you jus’ pass the damn coffee?” The question was directed at his brother. 

Tommy looked at them with a glint in his eye. “Sure can big brother, but I’ve gotta warn you, coffee has a rough time in this house. It gets mugged every single mornin’,” he said, placing the steaming pot in front of Joel.

Ellie banged her forehead against her arm on the table. “Oh my God—Did he ever give Sarah this much grief? Or is this Ellie-specific behavior?”

The taunting atmosphere sobered almost immediately, apprehension hooking behind her bellybutton as Tommy stilled, his eyes darting to his brother, then back to Ellie like he couldn’t believe she’d just asked that. What the fuck? Joel can’t seriously get mad at me for saying her name in front of his own fucking brother— It's not like Tommy forgot she existed—But Joel halted her mental rant in its tracks when he didn’t react the way Tommy seemed to expect. Instead, he shot Ellie a careful smile. “Yep—I reckon he did. Drove the poor girl nuts.”

Tommy blinked, blinked again, then loosened his grip on the chair in front of him. “That’s what I’m here for,” he snorted, but his eyes were glazed over now, unfocused. There was another pause, then he cleared the tension, “Well, I think I’d better get. I’ve got Jesse today for paired patrol, an’ I wanna make sure we have plenty of time to go over the map. I’ll see you two back here tonight—” Before he left, Tommy touched the table next to Ellie with a gentle smile, clipped the radio to his belt, then kissed Maria as she came down the stairs.

Ellie couldn’t say for certain, but she was pretty sure she’d just witnessed a monumental shift between the two brothers, an unspoken rule shattered in the wake of her presence. She didn’t know how to feel about that. She snuggled her cheek into Joel’s arm for a second and he leaned in and placed a whiskery kiss on top of her hair, then pushed her plate closer. “Eat, kiddo. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.”

Chapter Text

Joel thought gettin’ Ellie out the door that morning was gonna be more of a hassle, but he shoulda factored in Maria’s influence. All it took was a raised eyebrow from the stern woman and the little girl was huggin’ him around the middle and tellin’ him she didn’t mean what she said earlier, that he wasn’t allowed to get infected on patrol, and she would miss him if he died, so he’d, “better be fucking careful.” 

Joel would take what he could get, and he wasn’t inclined to hold nothin’ against the girl, not after she’d woken up from yet another nightmare starring himself as the aggressor, for fuck’s sake. 

He would give anything to pluck those heinous images out of her mind and send them packing. What he’d told her earlier was nothin’ more than a guess. He didn’t have an answer as to why she was plagued by these dreams.

That wasn’t entirely true. On some level he understood it, a piece of her, no matter how deeply buried, had to associate Joel with the trauma. He’d been a witness to it after all, and if he looked back, he saw Ellie’s eyes fixed to him almost the entire time. 

That was Joel’s fault.

He remembered telling Ellie to look at him, commanding her to listen to his voice. He’d been tryin’ to give her a focal point to concentrate on so she wouldn’t have to watch what those men were doin’ to her. And she listened to him. She was so good… Even when she was terrified out of her mind, she still did what he asked, trusted that he knew best, until it became too much— till her body shut down an’ started acting of its own accord.

Didn’t help that he’d been screamin’ himself hoarse the whole time either; that probably scared her worse. 

Joel hated to admit it, even in the quiet of his own mind, but his behavior during the rape could be the cause of some of her unique suffering now… the shit that involved him anyways.

He had to figure out how to uncross those wires. If it took reassuring her every day for the rest of his life, then that’s what he’d do, but he wished there was a more tangible solution.

Esther was already waiting for him at the stables, though she was still in the process of tacking up her horse, a brown painted mare called Cowgirl, if the tag on the bridle was to be believed. When Joel arrived, one of the main stable hands, Ed— the poor son-of-a-bitch he’d yelled at when Ellie went missing their first morning in Jackson—had a dark grey gelding set aside for him, the tack resting on a saddle rack. The outside of the animal’s stall said, Pluto. 

Joel snorted. Sounded like somethin’ Ellie would name a horse. He wondered if Tommy did that on purpose; his baby brother sure got a kick out of Ellie. It was a wonder he’d never had any kids of his own— that was probably on Joel as well.

Whether it was bein’ so involved in Sarah’s life, or losin’ her, somewhere along the line Tommy must’ve decided it wasn’t for him. He didn’t feel as guilty about that one.

“Morning Joel,” Esther greeted, pulling the mare out into the open area just as Joel tightened Pluto’s girth.

“Mornin’,” he said back, keeping his tone cordial. He didn’t so much mind Isaac’s mom. Joel was just thankful he wasn’t stuck out on patrol with Renata, or babysitting some overeager kid like Tommy. At least the woman knew how to keep her silence.

She didn’t talk again until they were out the gate and on track along the creek trail. “Was Ellie alright after our little encounter with the infected last week?” she asked to break the ice. 

Joel resisted the urge to snort again. It would take more than a couple clickers to rattle his girl, but he didn’t say as much considerin’ the woman’s son wound up a quivering mess on the ground. “I reckon she was just fine. She likes to help,” he said.

She’d even drawn it out for Tommy. He recalled his brother’s face when Ellie tore that little sketch out of her book and handed it to him, the younger Miller workin’ hard to control his expression as he asked, “Ellie, is this a picture of my brother killin’ an infected person?” —The girl’s defenses goin’ all the way up due to Joel’s earlier critique of her work, “You said to draw something that happened at the lake! Next time I’ll just draw a picture of the boring water. God!” 

It said enough about Tommy’s growing affection for his new niece that the sketch was now tacked onto his fridge right next to a picture of Maria an’ her dad.

“I s’pose she’s seen worse coming all the way from Boston,” Esther commented. “I’m really grateful she was able to bring Isaac around. He won’t let me help anymore, especially not in front of his friends. She seems like a real sweetheart.” 

“Yeah, she ain’t hard to love, that’s for sure—Is your boy alright?” Joel asked, mirroring her first question. It was easy enough to talk about the thing they had in common: their kids. He remembered small talk sessions like these from the lines at parent-teacher conferences and doctor’s offices, from the stands at soccer games.

He and Tommy had always tried to work opposites during soccer season so someone was available to attend Sarah’s games, but that meant they attended alone, which opened Joel up for volumes of unsolicited conversation.

The woman pursed her lips. “My husband, his dad, died a few months ago, on our way to Jackson from Lincoln— He was out hunting with Isaac and they ran into a horde. He started to turn and Isaac had to…” she trailed off, touching the gun on her hip. She didn’t need to finish the sentence for Joel to understand what she meant. “Ellie hit the mark with her little story about freeing the people trapped inside…”

He gentled his voice. “Tcht. That’s a tough deal. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Joel found himself, not unwillingly, relating to Esther again. He knew what it was like to grieve a spouse, not in the strictest sense. Erin didn’t die, but it sure felt like she did back in the day. The relationship had been over for months, close to years before she left, but it wasn’t himself he grieved for; the hardest thing to come to terms with there was how it would affect Sarah, what it would do to her emotionally.

He knew what it was to watch a child grieve the loss of a parent, which was what Esther was in the middle of doin’ right now.

Of course he’d also lost a partner in Tess, which wasn’t the same, but the two experiences were in a similar realm. He felt a twinge of guilt every now and then for not taking more time to feel that one— Tess had been good to him. It was his fault things hadn’t worked out. But after losing Sarah, it was hard to get close enough to feel loss like that again. 

There was nothing compared to losing a child, no similar feeling, nothing worse.

But he was tryin’ to get out of the business of comparing suffering; Ellie taught him that. Everyone experienced grief in their own way. While losin’ a father might cripple Isaac, or a husband, Esther—losin’ a daughter only seemed to rattle Renata. You’d think she’d at least have the decency not to share her little girl’s private hardships with the world like it was small talk. Of course, the loss of a child might not be felt so keenly by parents who’d never acted like parents in the first place.

He often wondered about Erin. If she was still alive, if she ever thought about Sarah. If she would be sad to learn just how long their baby girl had been gone from this world.

Somewhere, somehow, the woman had decided that those three-and-a-half years spent feeding, changing, and loving that child, snugglin’ her to bed every night, meant less than whatever it was she was lookin’ for. 

Hell, Joel hadn’t even had Ellie a full year and he was already at the point of no return. Losin’ her would finish him. There’d be a gun in his mouth so goddamn fast— Don’t go there— he chided.

It was better to focus on the task at hand. 

They rode in silence for a good long while after that. The creek trails seemed to be quiet, the log book was full of all clears, and the occasional runner, the most frequent participants being Eugene, Jesse, Esther, and Brian. Even though Joel had told him it wasn’t necessary, Tommy insisted he start off small, get the lay of the land before he dove into some of the more populated routes. 

He probably could’ve brought Ellie along with him today and been just fine. She was right, Tommy wouldn’t stop him from doin’ that, but he didn’t want her to get in the habit of goin’ Out. She might start thinkin’ it was ok to go by herself, or with her friends, and that opened the door for accidents, accidents like the one Esther had just finished describing.

Back in Jackson, Ellie was finding that she didn’t mind the sound of the morning Maria had planned for them after all. Their first order of business was to check in on the town’s radio tower, where some guy called Eugene was fixing the signal to the West and East gates. After that, she said they could go down to the farm to introduce Ellie to whatever ‘farm rotation’ was.

She’d never seen a farm before, not even in movies, so she was looking forward to the new experience. “You ever do any tech work, Ellie?” Maria asked as they walked, tucking her pistol into the back of her jeans.

The sun was hidden behind a few sparse clouds, but it was still shaping up to be a warm day. Ellie wished she could roll her sleeves up. “Mm—Not really. Once, me and my friend Riley rigged the fire alarms at our school to go off during morning drills for a week, but she had to ask one of the older kids how to do it, and we owed a lot of favors to the soldier who let us into the office after that. It wasn’t worth it.” She shot the woman a dark look.

“Favors?” the woman asked, and Ellie blanched a little at the concerned furrow in her brow. “Not those kinds of favors…” she said defensively. “It was a girl. We just did her laundry and stole shit for her, that’s all.” 

Maria’s face relaxed and her mouth curved up into a smirk. “Well I s’pose if you don’t have a better way to spend your time... Speaking of that— Have you given any thought to what kinds of jobs you’d like to do in Jackson?” 

“I want to go on patrol.” Ellie crossed her arms over her chest, fixing Maria with a hard stare.

The woman smirked again. “And I’m sure you’d be very good at it—You’ve got good instincts, better than most adults. But no matter what I think, there is no way I’d be able to convince either one of those boys that’s where you need to be.”

“But you’re the one who gets the final say.” Ellie pointed out.

“Ha! Yeah sure… If you wanna be an independent citizen of Jackson, but not if Joel’s gonna be your dad. Either what he says goes, or you’re on your own, kiddo. You can’t have it both ways.”

“Not fair,” she huffed. “So, you’re basically asking me to sign up to be bossed around until I’m what? Eighteen?”

“Eighteen, and probably a whole lot longer than that,” Maria confirmed. “But trust me Ellie, don’t take it for granted. It might be annoying now, but you’ll miss the bossing when it’s gone.” 

The words were meant as friendly advice, but there was an undercurrent of seriousness, a hand squeezing inside her chest. She knew Maria had lost her dad last year. That wasn’t gonna happen to Ellie for a long, LONG time if she could help it. Maybe when she was Maria’s age… hopefully longer. “I don’t really want him to care less anyways,” she admitted. “Nobody’s ever cared as much as he does. He’s the only one.”

“Is your biological father still alive?” Maria asked, and Ellie had to straighten the curl of nausea that tried to root itself in her belly.

“I don’t know,” she said. “If he is he’d be really old, older than Joel. I don’t care though. He was bad.” The words sounded childish and lame on her tongue, bad was an understatement.

“Was he bad to you?” 

“No, not to me. I never met him. I never met either of my parents. I wouldn’t know anything about them if it wasn’t for Marlene.” That didn’t hurt as much to say now as it used to. Joel’s presence in her life had changed a lot of things, and deep down she knew she would take all the overprotective, hypocritical nonsense if it meant she could have him forever.

“You and Marlene were pretty close, hey?” Maria pressed. She was a little confused by the odd smile the woman wore when she mentioned the Firefly leader’s name.

Ellie shrugged. “I guess so. Before Joel she was the only person who ever looked out for me… If you could call it that.”

Maria nodded along, looking to Ellie like she was thinking hard about something.

“What?” she asked.

“Oh nothing— Just that Tommy and Marlene were good friends for a long time.”

Ellie understood right away what Maria meant by that. She used the same voice Tommy used when he asked if Tess was, ‘Joel’s friend.’ 

“Ew.” Her nose wrinkled. “I don’t wanna know about that. I don’t think Joel knows about that…” she trailed off. “No, I’m sure he doesn’t because he would’ve made a rude comment about it by now—He doesn’t really like Marlene.” Ellie was rambling, trying to get them away from that gross topic. She did NOT want to think about Tommy doing that with anybody, let alone with the closest person Ellie ever had to a mother. 

“That’s fair,” Maria chuckled. “I think that was less Boston and more Denver.”

“Ew,” Ellie said again, with more emphasis this time. She used to like talking about awkward subjects. If this were last year, she’d probably go home later and reveal the salacious tidbit to Joel, then try to tease Tommy about it.

Ellie remembered weirding Joel out on purpose at the beginning of their trip looking at Bill’s porno magazine in the back of the truck, but now that kind of stuff just made her feel sick.

She was so stupid back then. She hadn’t even known Joel for two whole days yet at that point, an objectively dangerous man, whose girlfriend-type-person had just died. What if he’d been different? What if he hadn’t seen her as such a little girl? What if he thought Ellie talking about the magazine was an invitation to do stuff with her? There’s no point in wondering about any of this now. 

It wasn’t even just with Joel and Tommy, though it seemed to set her off worse with those two. When it came down to it, she didn’t want to think about anyone doing that with anyone else, period. Especially if it was a man and a woman— Or a man and a girl—It was one thing for it to be two girls, but once there were penises involved—ugh— she didn’t even want to think about that word. 

It was like her body had memories separate from her mind. She would start to feel claustrophobic—pinned down— hurting— The same urge from her dream swelled in her chest, to hurt back, to stab— and stab— until there was nothing left. 

Maria probably thought she was fucking weird for spacing out again for so long, but if she did, she didn’t say anything. 

There were three people in the radio tower when they arrived. Two women, one Maria’s age named Amalia, and her younger assistant Raven, who was maybe in her early twenties. “Why don’t you ladies take a lunch break?” Maria suggested, and the women followed her advice, the younger of the two shooting Ellie a small smile as she closed them in. 

That left them alone with the last person, a man who Ellie assumed was Eugene. He was about the same age as Walter Mackenzie would be now. Why the fuck would you say it like that?

Fuck. Ellie needed to get a handle on her wayward thoughts. She took a few deep breaths and stood far enough away from the man that a handshake would be inconvenient.

“Hey there, old man.” 

“Well if it isn’t the lovely Maria—” he teased. The man was tall and wide-shouldered, with long scraggly hair and an unkempt beard. He reminded her of a cartoon pirate crossed with a hippie? Maybe. His long hair was decidedly more hippie-ish than Tommy’s. Despite her distance, when he caught sight of Ellie, he leaned over from his spot next to one of the radios to look at her and grinned a toothy grin. A couple of his teeth had shiny silver caps on them. “Is this the little one Tommy told me about? Joel’s girl?”

Maria put a hand between her shoulder blades. “Ellie, this is Eugene— Eugene, meet Ellie. Tommy and Eugene have been friends for a long time—They were Fireflies together.” 

“C’mere for a second, girl—Let me get a look at ya,” he said, beckoning her over. Don’t be a chicken-shit. He’s an old man, and Maria’s standing right next to you. He’s not gonna do anything.

Ellie moved closer and he put his hands on her arms so he could stare at her face, still smiling. She tried not to let him see how awkward she felt on the inside. “Would you look at that—" He marveled. "Lose one little angel just to have another one turn up out of the woodwork— Joel’s a lucky man.” That was the first time anyone had ever referred to Ellie as a little angel. Joel was going to be irritated when he found out just how many people here knew personal details about his life. 

“Who’s yer Mama, honey? Tommy was real tight-lipped about that part.” 

Ugh. 

Was she supposed to tell him the truth? “Uh—Her name was Anna Williams.” Might as well stick as close to reality as possible. If Ellie was born in the summer of 2019, that would’ve made Anna twenty-two— almost twenty-three, and Joel thirty-four. That wasn’t a great age difference considering that if Sarah had lived, she would’ve been eighteen in 2019… but it wasn’t illegal or anything. Do NOT start thinking about Joel fake taking advantage of your mother, please for the love of God. 

“Williams? Hm. The only Williams I knew was a Lieutenant-Colonel Patrick Williams. He was from Boise though—Good man—Any relation?”

Ellie shrugged. “I’m not sure, maybe.”

Maria’s radio sounded from behind her. “Station 1—We need some help around the Ski trails— Found a small group of travelers hiding out in a cabin—Need someone to give them the all clear for entry—” 

“Dammit,” she cursed, then Maria turned to her. “You think Joel will be more pissed off if I take you Out with me? Or if I leave you with Eugene?— Scratch that. You’re staying here with Eugene.” The woman decided before she had a chance to answer. Ellie opened her mouth to protest but Maria held up a hand. “Save it Ellie. I’m not gonna be held responsible for World War III if you fall and scrape your knee.”

She was about to say that Joel would probably mind a hell of a lot more if she was left alone with a random man he didn’t know, even a close friend of Tommy’s, but she didn’t know how to say that in front of Eugene. Before she could get the words out, Maria was gone with a hasty farewell and a, “Do not leave this building— I’ll come back for you soon.”

Dammit was right. 

Chapter Text

From the moment Maria left the radio tower, Ellie could tell that Eugene could tell, that she didn’t want to be there anymore.

In a distinctly Joel-like manner, he gentled his posture and leaned further back in the chair, grabbing a part from a cardboard box labeled misc radio parts, and holding it back from his face so he could read the inscription. He squinted at the piece as Ellie stood stiffly beside him, then cleared his throat. “Could ya tell me the date on this, sweetheart? My eyes aren’t as sharp as they used to be.” He handed it to her.

Ellie took it and said, “Um— 2002.” 

“Perfect— Thank you.” Eugene put the part back. “That one’s too old. I need one just like it, but from 2010 or later. Would'ya help me look?”

Doing what she was told, Ellie got down on her knees to help search the box. They sorted in silence for a while, but Eugene couldn’t seem to prevent himself from talking for long. “Where’s yer daddy this morning?” he asked. 

There’s that word again. But it didn’t seem like he was using it in a weird way. His tone was light, conversational. “He’s on patrol— On the creek trails.”

“Ah— So he’s the reason I’m on the bench today.” He smirked. “I’m sure poor Esther’s happy to talk to someone else for a change. Woman puts in a good effort, but I’m willing to bet she’s sick of my chatter.”

“Joel doesn’t talk a lot—” Ellie shot him a small smile. “—unless you ask him about football, or if he’s mad at you for something…” Joel could drive home a mean lecture when he wanted to. 

“Yeah, I could see that,” Eugene smirked. “Never met him myself, but I’ve been runnin’ with Tommy for long enough to hear stories—Does he get mad at you a lot?”

Ellie’s face slipped into a distrustful glare, all the newfound warmth in her posture dropping below zero. “No.” 

Even if he did, which he DOESN’T, it would be none of this dude’s business. It would be Tommy’s business, or Maria’s. If he was such good friends with Tommy, he should trust that Tommy would intervene if he thought she was in a bad situation. What was with people and assuming Joel was a jerk to her? The other day he called her a snuggle bunny for Christsakes.

Eugene dialed back, realizing that he’d touched a nerve. “Alright now— Don’t get yer panties in a twist. I’m not asking to be nosy; it’s just more or less my role in this community, lookin’ out for the kids.” he explained. “If someone’s in trouble at home, or the parents aren’t right in the head, I like to know about it so I can try to help— Get them out of the house for a bit—Do a little mentoring— That kind of thing.”

“Joel’s head is fine.” Ellie scowled again. Then she pulled out a part from the box. “This one’s from 2011.”

“Thank you dear.” He took the piece of radio, then squinted at her. “Forgive an old man for overstepping. Yer dad and I have something in common see— I lost a little girl too. But the difference between him and I, is that I wasn’t there for Megan when she was alive. I ran out on my family. So, I guess this is just my way of tryin’ to make up for it. Does that make sense?”

Eugene’s confession made her frown. That was sad. Ellie wasn’t used to adults offering up this much information about themselves so soon after meeting her, but it lit a match of sympathy inside her all the same. Joel didn’t have to say it for Ellie to know how guilty he felt about Sarah dying. That was obvious in everything he did, in all his interactions with her now, in the way he still sometimes avoided talking about his first daughter, even after all they’d been through together. She couldn’t imagine how much worse it would be if he’d been a shitty dad before the outbreak.

And she understood what Eugene meant by wanting to make up for it. Since meeting her, all of Joel’s bottled up dad energy from the last twenty years was leaking out all over the place. Part of her believed that’s why he was such a good one now. His focus was all Ellie, all the time, and her starving little orphan brain soaked it up like a lily in the desert.  

“Sorry,” Ellie grimaced, not sure what else to say. A year with Joel taught her there was nothing else she could say. The only thing that seemed to help Joel was to distract him with a hug, or a snuggle— He liked to hold her. But no matter how bad she felt for Eugene, she wasn’t going to employ any of those tactics with him. 

“It’s alright sweetheart—It’s ancient history now. I just wanted you to know I wasn’t tryin’ to be a creep and that you can trust me. Even if everything’s fine and you just want to vent one day. I’ve got a strict confidentiality policy unless yer in immediate danger. Understand?”

She nodded. “I understand.” Ellie automatically trusted the man more knowing that he was a father, that he had a daughter. Joel would be mad at her for it and he would SO not feel the same, especially if he knew that Eugene abandoned his family. He had very strong feelings about parents who didn’t stick around for their kids, but she couldn’t help it. In her limited experience, men with daughters had protective instincts, so could therefore be trusted not to hurt her. 

She had a horrible thought. What if David had a daughter? Or James? She couldn’t see it. But what about the other guy…? The guy who called her baby doll like Joel called her baby girl. David had also called her baby girl, but he did it to taunt Joel in the moment, to mimic him, to make it worse for both of them. The last guy though, he called her baby doll like it was natural, like he said it all the time. 

If he had a daughter, was she sad when he died? Even if he was an asshole? Even if he was found naked, the evidence of his crime—Ellie’s blood— all over his body? Ellie knew the answer was yes. She would never stop loving Joel, even if he did something as unforgivable as that. She would HATE it, and she might never talk to him again, she’d definitely never look at him the same, but you can’t just stop loving someone who’s that much a part of you. It was different with Walter Mackenzie. He was nothing to her, but Joel was her safety. He was her home…

“Ellie girl—” Eugene interrupted her disturbing muses. “Where are you s’posed to be if yer not here? I’ll walk you back to wherever it is.” He held up the completed radio, indicating that he was done.

She hesitated. “Um— I’m supposed to stay here.” Ellie could do without the scolding today. “Maria said not to leave this building.” 

“Hm. Well, I’ll radio her and see what she says.” He held the newly fixed radio to his lips. “Station 1— Radio’s good as new— What do you want me to do with Ellie?” 

She should’ve tried harder to make conversation. He was obviously the type of person who liked to talk. Now he was bored and wanted to get rid of her. Maria would be mad at her for not listening, then Joel would go ballistic because she wasn’t where she was supposed to be, and if Joel blew up at Maria, Tommy would blow up at Joel, and their fights were always one step away from full blown knockouts.

It wasn’t Maria’s voice that came through the other side of the radio, it was Tommy’s. Maria must’ve gone out of signal. She figured Tommy and Maria had their own frequency? Whatever it was called, and Station 1 must be the name of it. “Eugene is that you?—You’ve got Ellie?—I thought she was Out with Maria.” He sounded concerned. Tommy probably understood a little better than his wife where Joel’s mind would be on that front.

“Nope— She didn’t wanna piss of Papa bear— Something about World War III—I’ve got her here with me in the tower.”

“Shit ok—” he said, then the line went dead for a second. “You mind walkin’ her to the stables?—I’ve got somewhere else to be when I’m done, but Joel shouldn’t be too much longer— She can wait for him there.”

“Sure thing.”

So much for going to the farm. Oh well. She liked playing with the horses. She wondered which horse Joel was riding and if he’d let her untack the animal when he was done. If he’d let her. Ha! Ellie was pretty sure he didn’t even like doing that part anyways. He was always happy to foist the duty off on her when they had Callus, especially going over him with the round comb; the brown stallion loved that part.

There was a twinge in her belly as they walked into the stables, greeted by the excited nickering and whinnying of the horses. Ellie could tell they were happy because their noises didn’t sound anything like the loud, pained squeal from when Callus got shot. She hadn’t even had time to see where he’d gotten shot, if it was his head, his shoulder, under his saddle, if he died quickly or if he laid there suffering for hours. 

“Ellie! Eugene! Over here!” Dina called from down the line, her head poking out of Japan’s stall. A flush of affection surged through her whole body, the presence of someone familiar, of her friend, washing away the painful memories. There was no one else in the stable. 

“Hey Dinasaur,” Eugene greeted with a smile. “How goes it?”

Aw, Ellie wanted a cute nickname like that. Why didn’t Joel make her one? Maybe she should learn to be nicer to Eugene. He headed over to where Dina stood and Ellie followed, noticing which horses were missing. Jericho— with Tommy obviously, and Church was gone too, maybe Jesse took him, then there was an empty stall for Bullseye, and Scout, Helix, Cowgirl, and finally Pluto. 

That had to be the one Joel was riding. 

Dina and Eugene exchanged a fist bump that turned into a weird handshake, then Dina reached out and took Ellie’s sleeve, pulling her into the horse’s stall. “I’m giving him button braids, because he’s cute as a button,” she cooed. “Want to help?”

Button braids appeared to be a series of uniform knots going all the way down Japan’s mane. It looked complicated and she didn’t want to fuck it up, but Dina was asking for help, and she’d been so nice to Ellie since she got to Jackson, so she nodded. “Ok.”

Eugene sat down on one of the stools out in the main area. He seemed keen to stay now that there was someone else besides grumpy, brooding Ellie to talk to—Oh God, was she turning into Joel? That was a scary thought— Dina showed her the pattern for the knots, then they got to work. “How’s Renata?” Eugene asked as they went.

“She’s good,” Dina said, then she snorted. “Me on the other hand— She found out Jesse asked me to go riding the one day, and she said ‘riding’ had to be code for… You know…The girl shot them a dark look. “So, she freaked out and gave me this big talk. But that wasn’t the worst part—Ugh— When Jesse came to pick me up, she gave him the SAME talk,” Dina moaned, her face miserable. “He was so good about it. He always is, but I wanted to die.”

Ellie had to redo her first braid because it turned out all wonky. She wasn’t sure if that was cos she sucked at braiding, or cos she was too enraptured in the other girl’s story, but when they did them side by side, the second attempt wasn’t so bad.

“Well, yer Mama knows how to get herself heard, that’s for sure,” Eugene commented. “Personally, I don’t think she’s got anything to worry about. Jesse’s a good kid, good parents.”

“Right? That’s what I said. But she says all men are the same. I’m not even going to repeat the exact reason why.” Dina rolled her eyes.

Ellie couldn’t help but notice the ease in which her friend conversed with the older man, like they’d done this a million times before. Eugene’s words from earlier came to mind. Did he deem Renata to be, ‘not right in the head?’ Joel would probably agree with that assessment.

“Sorry Ellie— You probably don’t want to know all this stuff. It’s just my mom is so annoying when it comes to dating, and boyfriends, and basically anything that involves me talking to the opposite sex. Is Joel like that too? I bet Joel’s like that too— Would he even let you within five feet of a boy if he wasn’t there watching?” Dina laughed. 

Ellie felt her brows crease. If she had a knife, maybe. It would be different if it was a man. Men were bigger, and stronger, and could take her down, knife or not. They both knew the kind of damage a full grown man could inflict on a girl Ellie’s age. She was already thinking up ways to hide the fact that she’d spent time alone with Eugene today. But she wasn’t a baby. She could take out some teenage asshole with a crush if she had to. 

Besides, Ellie getting a boyfriend was never going to be an issue. Did Joel know that? Would he be ok with that? Instinct told her the answer was yes, he’d be just fine with it. But it didn’t feel like the right time to tell Dina that, not with Eugene listening. So, she shot the girl a fond smile and said, “I don’t know. I’ve never tried it.”

“I guess you wouldn’t have, hey? Ellie and her dad traveled all the way from Boston to get here,” she informed Eugene, though, being as close with Tommy as he was, he already knew that. “I bet you had to kill a lot of people. Or did Joel do all the killing? My sister took me out of New Mexico for a while when I was ten and we had to do lots of killing.”

Before Ellie could answer, Eugene cleared his throat. “Dina— It might be better to ask Ellie about that in private.” It was a distinctly Renata-like thing to do, offering up personal information, then asking Ellie to share it back, but somehow she found it more endearing when Dina did it. It seemed like her friend was doing it for reassurance, or maybe to feel less alone, whereas she got the impression Renata just did it for a reaction. 

Ellie shrugged. “It’s ok. Yeah— We did lots of killing. Joel didn’t want me to at first; he wouldn’t even let me have a gun until we hit Pittsburgh. I had to throw bricks and broken bottles at people like we were in some sort of fucking video game, but he couldn’t do it all by himself in the end.” 

The phrase, speak of the devil, popped into Ellie’s head as the clomping of horses’ hooves grew nearer. Esther was the first to appear in the doorway with a pretty painted horse, followed closely by Joel. He was tugging a dark grey gelding behind him, similar to Church but bigger and without the spots; the horse even looked like a Pluto. Ellie hid her face for a second so that she could finish the last piece of the braid she was working on, then she leaned in closer to Dina. “I’m not supposed to be here,” she admitted with a groan. 

The girl’s brown eyes sparkled, entertained by Ellie’s suffering. “You have like, zero self-preservation instincts Ellie. Do you like getting yelled at? Is that your thing?”

“Shut up—” She pushed Dina’s shoulder. “It’s ok. I’m gonna suck up. Watch— He won’t even be mad.” Ellie put a finger to her lips to quiet her friend and Eugene raised an eyebrow at her as she tiptoed over to the stall where Joel was slipping off Pluto’s bridle.

He was going to break her fucking neck one day, but Ellie didn’t care. She sprung at him, wrapping her arms around his neck, her legs around his back, and clamped her teeth down on his shoulder. “You’re infected!” she cried, losing herself to a fit of giggles.

Esther looked at them from over top her horse’s neck and let out a laugh as Joel tumbled backwards, thrusting a hand out to steady himself. “Jesus Christ girl— You’re goddamn lucky I heard you comin’.” 

“Hi, best dad ever,” she said, straightening her legs so she was standing again. Ellie went in for a hug next, and Joel caught her and tugged her close. “Hey there, best kid ever,” he drawled amusedly, but she could tell by the way he surveyed their surroundings that he was already suspicious of her intentions. “Where’s Maria?”

“Don’t get mad—” she said, looking up at him with innocent eyes. Nobody here was going to judge her for implementing all her best 'keep Joel calm, techniques.' “Maria had to go Outside while we were at the radio tower, and she didn’t want you to be worried about me, especially because she was going out of signal, so, she left me with Eugene— who’s one of Tommy’s best friends—” she added quickly, pointing him out on the other side of the stable. Eugene waved.

Joel opened his mouth to speak but she shushed him. “But I wasn’t with Eugene very long before he finished fixing the radio, then he talked to Tommy to ask what he should do with me, and Tommy told him to bring me here to wait for you. And when we got here, Dina was here, and she showed me how to give Japan button braids— Do you want to see?” she finished, out of breath.

He sighed, one hand rubbing the back of his neck, lips pursed in a thin line. 

“They’re really cute,” she pushed.

Joel gave in, the tension melting as he took in the sweet, earnestness she was trying to portray. “Yeah, I reckon I’d like to see," he conceded.

Ha! Told you so Dina. Not even one single comment about her not being where she was supposed to be. Maybe it was the difference between her being right in front of him, safe, and obviously unharmed, compared to him having to track her down. 

If she thought about it, he must’ve had to do some searching before he discovered her in the chalet with David. Maybe her being out of his sight was the part that set him off. Don’t think about that. This is supposed to be a victory. “But you’re gonna give me a hand brushin’ down Pluto here afterward— Right?” he confirmed with a smirk. 

“Yes!” she singsonged, pulling him by the hand to the end of the stable where Dina and Eugene were still talking back and forth. Eugene stood up and offered his hand when she and Joel approached. “Good to meet you Joel. Name’s Eugene— Hope you don’t mind me keepin’ an eye on yer girl here this morning.”

Before Joel had a chance to respond in either direction, Dina piped up, coming to the door of the stall. “Don’t worry JM— Eugene’s cool. He’s totally not a kidnapper or a pedophile or anything.”

JM? Joel Miller? That made Ellie laugh. Her mood must’ve been infectious cos Joel smiled and hung his head in a fake display of exasperation. “Thanks for clearin’ that up for me, Dina— Much obliged.” 

For having such a bad beginning, the morning couldn’t have come to a more perfect end. Eugene didn't do anything weird to her. She got to hang out with Dina, and Joel was in a good mood; he was relaxed; he was letting her push the boundaries and didn’t seem bothered by it. It was enough good fortune to make her forget that there was ever anything wrong to begin with. But that’s the thing about happiness: it’s random, and it never fucking lasts. 

Chapter Text

On their first night in Jackson, Maria told them that she and Tommy liked to have people over, that they liked to be part of the community, to make things accessible to the public. It made sense, what with Maria and her dad co-founding the town and all.

It also made sense that they’d want to have a get together introducing Ellie and Joel to Jackson. They did a good job holding off, giving the pair time to adjust. But two weeks into their stay and people were curious; they had questions about Tommy’s mysterious, stoic older brother and his little auburn-headed sidekick.

Ellie liked answering questions, Joel, not so much. They were a perfect balance.

On their last night staying in Tommy’s home, he announced that they’d be having a party, “just a small shin-dig,” to open the floor and clear up any speculation or rumors about who Joel was, who Ellie was, and why they were here.

It sounded like fun. Maria said they didn’t have to dress up, so Ellie wore her space t-shirt, which Joel said was actually from an old TV show— or maybe a movie?—called Star Wars. Either way, it came out before Joel was even born, which made it ancient in Ellie’s eyes, and she figured it was fine to re-purpose it as her space shirt. The material was thin and soft and the fabric hung down to the middle of her thighs.

Joel didn’t like the pants she chose, the weird stretchy black tights from the donation hall. He said in his day, there used to be grand debates among kids and teachers as to whether they should be banned in schools; Ellie didn’t understand why. They were so comfy, and it wasn’t like anyone could see anything with her shirt being so long. That was the whole fucking point.

Plus, she wasn’t inclined to take fashion advice from someone who wore the same style of button down shirt in different colors every day, which he now tucked IN to his jeans instead of leaving it loose.

That, combined with the big belt buckle he wore, and his drawling accent, and Joel had done a one-eighty from hardcore, grumpy smuggler chic, to clean cut—still pretty grumpy— Texas cowboy dad. 

Ellie and Joel were tasked with going down to the pub to get beer and Bourbon, which Tommy said was all home brewed in Jackson.

When they arrived, the barkeep who introduced himself as Seth, collected what they asked for and brought it out, barely seeming to notice Ellie as she leaned against the wooden counter.

He didn’t acknowledge her presence at all until the transaction was complete, then he reached into his jeans’ pocket and pulled out a wrapped candy, extending it to her as an offering. “Maria told me Tommy’s niece was in town. Why don’t you show me your pretty smile, honey?” 

“Uh—” Joel’s arm crossed over her body and she wasn’t sure if it was meant to deter her, the barkeep, or both of them, but Ellie was faster. “I don’t like candy,” she said, the words tainted with a hard edge.

It was a lie. She LOVED candy, but she wasn’t smiling for this creepy motherfucker. He didn’t need to be looking at her fucking mouth. Ugh. 

When they got outside, Joel set the merchandise down and ran a hand through his hair like he wasn’t sure if he should say anything. “I’m gonna make an assumption here that you’ve heard the ‘don’ take candy from strangers,’ talk once or twice…” 

“Joel, I’m not stupid, and I can carry this one,” she bristled, picking up one of the makeshift cases of beer, glass bottles clinking together as she heaved it into her arms.

“You’re gonna carry that one, are you?” Joel smirked. He couldn’t seem to find fault with her response to Seth, so he let it go. “Alright. Don’t drop it.” He picked up the other two cases and tucked them under one arm, then grabbed the unmarked bottle of Bourbon in his other hand. 

“You’re gonna let me try some of that, right?” She mirrored his question and pointed her chin at the large bottle.

Joel snorted. “You go ahead an’ give it a whirl, kiddo. If you like it, you can have as much as you want.”

“Yes!” Ellie tried to pump her fist in celebration, but the case of beer started to slip out from her grasp and she had to stop to catch it.

“Easy now—” Joel chuckled, shaking his head. “Here— Gimme that.” He took the third case under his other arm and jostled the bottle of Bourbon into her hands.

“I could’ve carried it,” Ellie huffed, but took the bottle anyways.

“I’m sure,” Joel soothed, a light, teasing undertone in his voice. “My big strong, fourteen-year-old, itty bitty, baby girl—“

“Don’t say that!” she growled, something in his words setting her off. She reached out and smacked his arm as hard as she could, harder than she meant to. “It’s not my fucking fault I can’t grow.”

“Ow!” he protested, stepping back. “Now Ellie, it ain’t nice to hit—” 

“Fuck you— Ground me then.” Her scowl deepened. “And I’m almost fifteen.” 

His shoulders were tense now as he reacted to her sudden rudeness. “I don’ give two shits how old you are, little girl. If you don’ smarten up I won’t hesitate to—” 

“Psh—” She cut him off. “To what? Put me over your knee? Give me a spanking—?” Ellie laughed. Wow, you’re really going the bitch route tonight.  Somehow they’d graduated from playing around to having an actual argument, for no reason. Did she start that by swearing at him? She felt a smidgen of guilt, but crossed her arms over her chest to squash it down.

She was small but she wasn’t an, “itty bitty, baby girl,” and obviously her body was big enough for people to use it like she was an adult. She was big enough for gross old men to want her to smile at them…She could’ve carried the stupid beer case.

But you ARE being a total fucking cunt. He was being sweet. He was practically cooing. One day he’s just gonna stop trying with you. It was too late to go back, Ellie was on the defensive now. 

Joel looked beyond irritated, like he wasn’t even going to dignify her spanking comment with a response. She tried to walk ahead of him, but he stretched his leg out and hooked a foot around her ankle, his arms still full. “Hey— I mean it, Ellie. Whatever this is, knock it off. We ain’t gonna do this in front of all these people.”

“Or what?” she mocked, but her anger was short-lived and already deflating. 

That interaction alone should’ve been a clue that tonight wasn’t a good night for Ellie to be the center of attention. Looking back, she wished Joel had gotten madder at her. She wished she had pushed a little more, told him, “No, I’m serious. Ground me.” Or that he put her in a time-out as soon as they walked in the door like the smart-mouth little girl he thought she was.

At the very least, she would’ve been contained. 

Tommy cracked open the bottle of Bourbon right away, citing first dibs. He poured himself and Maria a glass, then offered one to Joel who shook his head. “I’m good.”

“Suit yourself,” Tommy said, and Ellie hopped up on the kitchen counter. “Can I have some?— Joel said I could."

The younger Miller looked at his brother for confirmation and Joel waved him off. “Girl’s gonna do what she’s gonna do.” Oh yeah, he was still pissed.

“If you say so,” Tommy shrugged, then poured Ellie a little bit of the dark brown liquid in a shot glass. She tried to ignore the stinging guilt that simmered behind her eyes as Joel disappeared upstairs for some of his infamous alone time.

When Tommy set the drink down beside her, she stared at it for a second, then picked it up to study it. It was gold-tinged and sparkly, and it sort of looked like syrup, not the corn syrup Tommy had, more like the old stuff from the movies, but less thick.

Ellie took a small sip of the liquid and promptly spat it back up onto her chin. A sour burn filling her nose, the inside of her sinuses itching like she was in a room full of spores. “Blech!— What the actual fuck—”

Tommy let out a surprised laugh. “Sweetheart, you ain’t supposed to sip on it. You drink it down all at once.” 

“I’m not drinking that.” Ellie shook her head. “Nope—Fuck no.”

Maria put her own tumbler on the counter with a smile, and motioned for Tommy to hand her Ellie’s wasted glass. She downed the remaining brown liquid in one swallow. The woman didn’t even flinch. “It’s s’posed to go down nice and warm,” she said with a smirk.

Ellie wrinkled her nose. “How the fuck did you do that?” She couldn’t even handle a tiny bit on the tip of her tongue. 

“A few too many years of practice.” Maria’s smirk became a wistful smile. 

Tommy caught his wife’s eye and gazed at her fondly, running his hand along her lower back to pull her in for a chaste, affectionate kiss, his other hand coming up to thumb her chin. All of a sudden, there was a dull, uncomfortable tingling in her belly that had nothing to do with the taste of Bourbon; she couldn’t describe it, but it made her restless, like she needed to go—to run— to get away—No—That’s not it. You’re fine.

Ellie hopped down from the counter and went in search of Joel. 

He was upstairs in the bathroom and Ellie resisted the urge to slide down the wall and wait for him outside the closed door. It’s not like they’d never gone to the bathroom in close proximity before. It didn’t have to be weird. She’d never brought up Joel shitting and pissing all over himself while he was half-dead in the warehouse, and he didn’t bring up Ellie peeing her pants not just once, but for days before she went unconscious.

But they were in Jackson now, as close to civilized society as things could get, and Ellie wasn’t a baby. She didn’t need to go in the bathroom with Joel, or wait for him outside the door. He wouldn’t even want to see her anyways. They were fighting. She took a deep breath and went back downstairs.

Tommy and Maria weren’t the only ones down there now. Eugene, the tall guy she recognized as Brian, and a younger, nameless guy that she didn’t know, formed a circle around them in the kitchen. Maria had her arms wrapped around Tommy’s waist, but when she saw Ellie come down, she let go and waved her over. 

“Ellie, c’mere.” The woman pulled her close and smiled. “I know you’ve met Eugene, and I think you’ve met Brian—”

“Yeah, I know Ellie—” Brian grinned, initiating an awkward fist bump. 

“And this is David. He’s one of our main location scouts—” Maria continued. Of course that’s his fucking name. Fuck.

“I don’t know if you’ve met this dork yet, but he’s my husband…He’s good at a few things I guess,” she jested, but Ellie was finding it hard to pay attention; she was running out of steam fast. 

She needed Joel, but Joel was mad at her. She deserved him being mad at her. It’s ok. You’re ok. Maria’s right next to you. Don’t you feel her hand on your arm?

This David didn’t look anything like her David. When did he become yours? He was Black, and skinny, and his short hair was done in cornrows. It didn’t mean anything that he shared a stupid name with someone evil. There were lots of people named David, and Ellie, and Joel… Tommy and Maria had some of the most popular names ever. 

Ellie tuned back into the conversation at the end of what sounded like a funny story that Brian was telling, “And I said to her— Honey, if you wanna get married, have a baby, grow old together, I’m in— But I am not going down into that goddamn nasty cellar—” 

Everyone around her erupted into laughter, a swell of deep baritone, and—Oh God—Ellie wasn’t in Tommy’s house anymore. She was on the floor of that chalet and David was pushing up her shirt for everyone to see. He was licking her neck, sucking on her chest, leaving her gutted and hollow. And everyone was LAUGHING. They were all LOOKING. “I have to pee,” she whispered, but it was just an excuse. She needed to find Joel. 

Ellie managed to detach herself from Maria, but she didn’t make it very far. She leaned against the back of the couch— At least she thought that was where she was because she was leaning over and not falling—There was a ringing in her ears that drowned out the laughter. I HATE this. Fuck fuck fuckity FUCK—I’m going to die. I can’t fucking HEAR anything and I’m going to die— JOEL please come downstairs—

“Ellie—You all good?”—she heard somewhere in the distance. Was it in her head? Then everything happened really fast. A large hand wrapped around her bicep, and the land mine inside her exploded, “Don’t fucking touch me!” she cried, SCREAMED more like it. She whipped around, emotional shrapnel flying everywhere, and slammed her back into the couch, curling in on herself. 

She sucked in long, deep breaths, and when her vision cleared, Ellie’s heart sank.

Tommy was standing in front of her, his arm still extended…He looked startled? No—He looked stunned by her reaction, his eyes wide, mouth hung open. All the laughter from the kitchen ceased, the whole house descending into shock and silence.

“Ellie.” He tested her name on his tongue. “Sweetheart…” The man inched a little closer. 

“Just leave me alone!” she screamed at him again, taking off in the direction of the stairs. She pushed past Joel, who was fucking late to the party. He made a grab for her, but she dodged his attempt. When she got upstairs, she slammed the guest bedroom door behind her and threw herself face first onto the bed.

She wasn’t even alone for thirty seconds before there was a knock at the door. “Ellie—It’s me,” Joel called. 

“Go away!” 

“Not an option, baby girl.” His voice was firm, yet soft at the same time as he turned the knob. He didn’t sound mad anymore. 

She rolled over and scooted far enough back that he couldn’t reach her from the door. Ellie didn’t want him to soothe her. She didn’t deserve to be soothed. Shame buried her alive, pulverizing her heart as she pictured what she’d done to Tommy. He was so nice. He was the nicest person she’d ever met, and she ruined it.

She was ruined, so she had to ruin everyone around her too. 

He wouldn’t want to be her uncle anymore. Not now that he knew she wasn’t an itty bitty, sweet, innocent baby girl like Sarah. Now that he knew she was broken and destroyed, a twisted, EVIL, horrible creature… “Go away!” she cried, a few tears spilling down her cheeks. She didn’t bother to wipe them away.

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere,” he said. They sat in silence for a few long moments before he tried again. “What happened, kiddo? Did my brother do somethin’ to upset you?”

“No!” Her voice cracked, the urge to shield Tommy from blame rising within her. “It was my fault! It’s always my fault! I’m the one who’s afraid of people fucking laughing! LAUGHING Joel! Who the fuck is afraid of that!?”

“That makes sen—” he started, but Ellie recoiled against his impulse to comfort, to understand. She wanted him to hate her like she hated herself. “SHUT UP!” She was screaming at the top of her lungs now. “Please just shut up! I can’t do this! I can’t keep living like this— THINKING about it all the time… ALL the time, Joel! I can’t do it anymore! It’s always in my head and I CAN’T—” she wailed, keeling over on the bed. 

All of the good things that happened since coming to Jackson, Tommy and Maria, her friends —Dina, Jesse, and Isaac, playing with the horses, going to the lake— All of it was tainted, shadowed by the poisonous thoughts that seeped into every waking moment of her life, that followed her into her dreams.

Wicked, disgusting thoughts that warped her mind and made it so that she could never be good, or sweet, or innocent again. 

“You should’ve just let them kill me! I wish you did— I wish you just let them kill me so I wouldn’t have to live like this anymore!”

Joel didn’t rise to any of her outlandish statements. He rubbed her back much in the same way he had after her last nightmare; he pet her hair, and ran his knuckles over her forehead and cheeks. 

Maybe he didn’t know what to say, or maybe he knew it was no use talking her down when she was in this state.

She didn’t deserve any of his love. Not after how she acted earlier. Another stupid thing that stupid David made her do.   

“I hate them—I hate them—I hate them—” she cried softly, her vocal chords raw, overextended. 

“I know,” he hushed. “It’s alright. You’re gonna be alright.”

She burned hot but the fever broke, and pretty soon her eyes went glassy, and her fingers and toes felt numb.

Her body had reached its limit. 

Joel cleared his throat. “Here’s what we’re gonna do…” He spoke with authority, and Ellie didn’t even have the energy to lift her head to listen. 

“I’ll go downstairs and talk to Tommy, tell him we’re movin’ into our place a day early— You don’t have to say nothin’—” he reassured before she could protest. “While I’m gone, you’ll pack some things for both of us in your bag, an’ we can go home, just the two of us. How does that sound?”

She let out a shaky exhale in place of a nod.

“Alright.” Joel gave her arm a tight, comforting squeeze, then he let her go. “Thas’ what we’re gonna do.” 

Chapter Text

Tommy and Maria had cleared out the house, probably around the time Ellie started screamin’ her head off upstairs, so, it was just his brother and sister-in-law when Joel came back down. The only saving grace being that things had gone south before the gathering was in full swing. Less people to witness and ask questions later. That, and Joel now knew the answer to the question, “How does Ellie do in crowds?” 

The atmosphere was tense, Tommy nursing another Bourbon alone in the kitchen, Maria out on the porch, the door wide open to let in the cool spring air. They had the lights off, but moonlight illuminated the entryway and living room, spilling through the open curtains.

Maria came inside when Joel appeared at the base of the steps. “Is Ellie ok?” the woman asked, arms crossed, a concerned frown on her face.

Ok ain’t the word I’d use. “Ah— She’s a little embarrassed; she feels bad for causin’ a scene, for wreckin’ your party,” he explained.

That was an understatement. The mangled combination of horror and shame on her face was something Joel would be hard pressed to forget anytime soon; he couldn’t help but feel responsible for this whole mess. If he’d been present, keepin’ an eye on her like he was supposed to be instead of sulking upstairs, this never woulda happened.

He could’ve seen the fuse burning and taken her outside, or upstairs to calm down before it exploded. 

Yes, she was bein’ a brat earlier, but she was fourteen, “—Almost fifteen—” Ellie’s angry little voice reminded him; the swearin’ and backtalk was gonna be around for a long while yet. And if he’d been paying an ounce of attention instead of lettin’ her bait him like he was still a goddamn kid raising a kid, he would’ve caught on to the fact that her bad mood was probably triggered by that old fucker askin’ her to smile pretty.

“I’d like to talk to her,” Tommy said, putting his drink down. “Let her know I didn’t mean no harm.”

“I don’ think that’s a good idea.” Joel drew a proverbial ‘line in the sand.’ “Not tonight. She feels real bad for yellin’ at you— real ashamed. Right now, you bein’ nice to her is jus’ gonna make things worse.” 

His brother sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“Will you at least give us a clue as to what she was so panicked about?” Maria asked. “I mean, one second she was fine and the next she was… a whole different kid. We heard her say she can’t stop thinking about it, that she can’t do it anymore, she wishes someone had killed her— Is she normally suicidal like this?”

“Ellie ain’t suicidal,” he exhaled impatiently. Things ain’t that bad yet. “It's just that she’s hurtin’ real good an’ she don’t know how else to say it. If she wants to tell you what it’s all about, I ain’t gonna stop her, but I won’t break her trust neither.”

“You don’t think it’s starting to become our business now too?” Maria pushed, a thorniness spreading in her tone. Joel was too tired to argue with the woman. He’d done enough of that with Ellie tonight, and he could see where his sister-in-law was comin’ from. The little girl’s actions did affect them if they were going to welcome her as part of their family, and her behavior had the potential to impact them as leaders of the town, especially if she kept down this path. 

It was too bad for them that Joel was a stubborn son-of-a-bitch who didn’t give two shits about nothin’ besides Ellie. He would do whatever he decided was best for her. If she wasn’t ready to live in a hoity toity town like Jackson, then they’d leave until she was, plain and simple. Kids come first and his brother knew it too. 

Tommy held up a hand to stop his wife from continuing. “Maria— Just—For now— Please?” They had a silent conversation with their eyes. 

“We’ll get out of your hair tonight anyways,” Joel said. “If you’d prefer, we can make ourselves scarce until Ellie’s a little more adjusted.”

“Christ Joel, that ain’t—” Tommy started, at the same time Maria said, “That’s not what I meant, and you know it. We just want to be aware so we can have all the tools to help Ellie. We care about her too, you know.”

“Right—” he acknowledged. “Well, we’d better get, before she falls asleep.”

“Hold on.” Maria stopped him. “Can you at least tell us what it was that upset her? Not why—but what? I know you weren’t down here but, did she say anything? It seemed like she was fine.”

Joel blew out his breath. “Didn’t help matters that her and I were goin’ back and forth about stupid shit. She was already on edge—But I suspect she was feelin’ a bit claustrophobic; the laughin’ is what did her in I think— people laughin’ all in a group like that,” he emphasized. That ought to give them some idea. 

It didn’t take a goddamn genius to figure out that a fourteen-year-old girl screamin’, “Don’t fucking touch me!” in someone’s face meant someone had probably touched her at some point. Course, in Ellie’s case, it was a hell of a lot more than touchin’. Joel suppressed a shudder. 

“Oh,” Maria frowned, a flicker of surprise, then disquiet in her eyes. Tommy rubbed the back of his neck. “Shit—Ok.” 

Joel experienced a twinge of sympathy for his baby brother; the boy felt things deep, and Joel suspected the sappy shit loved that little girl already, that if given the opportunity, he’d apologize to her for enjoying himself enough to laugh, like it was somethin’ he coulda predicted. You’re the one who shoulda predicted it, asshole. You coulda stopped this whole fiasco in its tracks.

Best not to dwell on it now. He still had Ellie to deal with tonight. Joel leaned in close to his brother and clapped him on the shoulder. “Listen— I’ve got an early patrol in the mornin’. I was gonna call in a favor with Esther, but why don’ you come over and sit with Ellie for me instead? Make her breakfast and see if you can’t bring her around. Girl can’t say no to food.”

The sooner Ellie saw that things could go back to normal the better. He didn’t want her thinkin’ she’d fucked anything up for them, or that Tommy was upset with her. Joel wouldn’t want her to think that even if things were fucked up, but especially now that he was sure they weren’t. His brother appeared relieved by the prospect, glad to be of some use. 

When he went back upstairs to collect Ellie, she was sleepin’, but it was a restless sort of sleep. Her brows were creased, deep worry lines forming around her mouth and on her forehead. She was crouched in on herself, arms folded together to protect her middle. Oh baby girl. You were doin’ so good.

Very carefully, Joel slipped Ellie’s backpack over his shoulder and tucked an arm under her knees, the other arm maneuvering her upper body so his chest could support her head. She let out a whine of protest, but it didn’t take her more than a few seconds to settle into the embrace, one hand fisting itself in his shirt, small fingers clenched around the fabric beneath his collar.

He had a welcome flashback to all the nights he did this with Sarah, carryin’ her up to bed when he got home from work. For a while it had been almost a part of their routine. Joel found himself more often able to recall positive memories of his daughter now that he had Ellie in his life, her weight in his arms keeping the ghosts where they belonged. Ellie wasn’t a whole lot bigger than Sarah had been in her current state. 

She’d put on a little weight around the face, a good three or four pounds in the body, but she had a long ways to go till she was back to where she was pre-Colorado. Even then, she hadn’t been more than a slip. Wasn’t uncommon for an apocalypse baby, especially growin’ up in a QZ where food was scarce and rations were shit. 

It was comforting to see how many people in this town were normal-sized, some of them even bordering on overweight, like that Brian character. The kids too; prosperity in Jackson gave rise to the return of the term, ‘baby fat.’

He had faith that despite her rough beginning, with time, and if they stayed in Jackson, Ellie would grow into a healthy young woman. Physically anyways— mentally, it might take a miracle.

“You don’ have to leave,” Tommy said as Joel came down the stairs with Ellie in his arms. “Put her to bed upstairs an’ we’ll keep our distance. Save you the work of carryin’ her all the way over there.”

“S’alright,” he whispered back. “It ain’t hard work. I reckon I don’ mind one bit, if I’m honest.”

His brother couldn’t argue with that. 

Ellie slept fitfully. She didn’t have any nightmares; maybe it was because her mind had already confused the events of the evening with a bad dream, but her body must’ve been able to tell there was something off, cos her feet wouldn’t stop fucking twitching. 

Part of it might’ve been that they were in a new room, in a new bed, and she couldn’t remember how they’d gotten there, but she didn’t think so. After almost a year of sleeping rough, she could pretty much fall asleep anywhere as long as Joel was within arms reach, and he was nothing if not true to his word. He said they’d sleep at their new house, so that’s what they did. 

He wasn’t sleeping either. Every time she woke up and reached out for him, her fingers making contact with his arm, or his shirt, or the fuzz on his face, he would grab onto her hand and pull it closer, letting her know he was there.

In the early hours of the morning, when sunlight began to stream in through the curtains of Joel’s assigned bedroom, that’s when he prodded her awake. “Ellie, kiddo—”

“Mm,” she groaned, burying her face in the pillow.

“I have patrol this mornin’. You don’ have to get up, but Tommy’s gonna come over and keep an eye on you for me.”

Ellie stilled, the sour taste of bile rising in her throat. “No—Joel—” She tried to sit up. “I don’t need a fucking babysitter. I’ll just fucking lay here. I won’t do anything—”

“Hey— relax.” He put a hand on her arm. “You don’ have to talk to him, you don’ have to tell him nothin’. You can stay up here the whole time if you want, but I ain’t leavin’ you alone. Not after you spent the whole of last night cryin’ about how you wanna die.”

She let out a frustrated growl, then said, “I’m not gonna kill myself. I wouldn’t do that— to you.” 

That wasn’t the only reason, but it was one of the main ones that made the idea of suicide too excruciating to contemplate for long, the practicalities of dying were worse than her impulsive remarks made them seem. “I’d feel too guilty letting you find my body all fucked up and bloated. I’d chicken out.” Please believe me and don’t leave me with Tommy.

Joel tensed, and Ellie realized her mistake too late. Now he was imagining that too; he wasn’t before. Fuck. He exhaled a sigh. “I appreciate that—” he said, his voice stoic and thick like Tommy’s Bourbon, “—but I still ain’t leavin’ you without someone here in case of emergencies.”

Emergencies? In Jackson? “What, like the clinic running out of rubber gloves? The kids in the school missing their story time?” 

“Ellie—” He switched to firmness, and the battle was won. The consequences of her bitchiness still too fresh in her mind for a repeat performance this early in the morning. 

When Tommy arrived, she heard the low exchange of greetings between the two men. Ellie was getting better at telling the difference between their voices from far away. Joel’s was deeper, but Tommy’s accent was thicker, the Texas twang more pronounced than his older brother. He also had an upbeat sort of cadence in his tone even when he was being serious that for Joel, just came out as a long, slow drawl.

When the downstairs was quiet, Ellie pulled the comforter tighter around her body and buried her face in the fabric. Her current plan was to pretend to be asleep for the entire time Joel was gone. 

Tommy managed to hold off longer than his brother had last night; instead of thirty-seconds, it took him a full twenty-five minutes to check on her if the digital alarm clock next to the bed was reliable. The time was wrong, the red flashing numbers reading 23:15, but she figured it could still be trusted to count. 

The old hinges on the door squeaked as Tommy let himself in, his solid knock hitting her like a punch to the gut. “Ellie— You awake, honey?”

When she didn’t say anything, he exhaled a sigh, the wooden floorboards creaking under his weight. “C’mon now, I know you ain’t sleepin’ girl— Just let me say my piece and we can be done with this whole mess.”

Ellie blinked her eyes open, the wire coil of dread winding tighter around her chest, wrapping her ribs until they screamed in protest. It was getting harder to breathe. “I don’t wanna talk about it,” she whispered.

“Then let me do the talkin’,” he said, but it didn’t seem like he was giving an order, more like he was asking for permission. 

Tommy sat down at the end of the bed, his weight depressing the mattress enough that Ellie was forced to shift. She scooted back against the pillow, bringing her knees up to her chest, her chin resting in the groove between them. She was still wearing her space shirt and the black tights from last night, her ponytail unkempt, stray hairs framing her face as she gazed up at him warily. 

He was so big. Just like Joel— she reminded herself. But he wasn’t Joel, and he was still a man— a married man— which meant he probably had sex all the time. He definitely thought about sex more often than Joel did. Ugh. Why did she have to think about it like that? 

There was no reason to force her disgusting thoughts onto him, that’s what got her into trouble in the first place. But she couldn’t help it. No matter what she told herself, there was always that little voice in the back of her head, present and ready to remind her that even if he didn’t want that from Ellie, there was nothing stopping him from taking it if he changed his mind. 

He was so much stronger, and she trusted him. It wouldn’t be hard; he could do it right now. She imagined his hips squaring off with her small body; the force of that alone would probably be enough to pin her down. Then what was she supposed to do? Push on his chest? Stab her fingers into his eyes? Holy fuck. You’re so fucked up. This is Tommy not some random asshole.

“Where’d you go, just now?” he asked, his tone curious, benevolent. Oh God, the only thing worse than having those evil thoughts would be telling him about them, so she exhaled and sharpened her face into a scowl. It wasn’t fair. Tommy didn’t do anything wrong, but it was either glare at him or start crying.

The younger Miller let out a cross between a sigh and a chuckle, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “Alright, never mind. I’ll take the hint. But listen sweetheart— Now, I realize you’re probably used to havin’ to yell to get your point across with my brother. Trust me, I understand that more than you know, but you don’ have to do that with me. If there’s somethin’ I’m doin’ that you don’t like… That makes you uncomfortable… If you don’ wanna have a party, or you’re feelin’ shy, or you jus’ plain don’ want me to touch you, period— Thas’ fine by me. I don’ need an explanation, I jus’ need the heads up.” 

He was so serious now, so earnest, but he was missing the point completely. She didn’t want him to be different; she didn’t want him and Maria to mess up their lives for her, and she did want him to touch her. Not in a weird way, but she liked his one-armed, affectionate hugs, or the way he would sometimes throw the same arm around her shoulders if they were around other people, like he could sense she needed the reassurance.

She wouldn’t have minded him touching her to get her attention last night if she’d known who the fuck’s hand it was in the first place.

“It’s not that. It’s none of that,” she stressed; the strain of speaking causing her voice to come out hoarse. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who—” Who what? Ellie didn’t know what she was trying to say.

Tommy frowned, and she knew where he was going next before he even opened his mouth. The same annoying, stunted grimace Joel was famous for garnished his face as he weighed the pros and cons of prodding her for information. “Ellie— Joel’s been real quiet about the circumstances the two of you met after you left Jackson last year.” His wording was awkward, overly formal. Ellie didn’t know what else to do, so she just stared at him, waiting for him to spit it out. 

“I know he got hurt…” Tommy trailed off. “An’ I know you took care’a him, and if thas’ all you want me to know, well alright then. But if there’s somethin’ else, and you think it might help to talk about it with someone who ain’t my brother—” He was rambling, not just circling, but doing a whole fucking figure eight around the real question he wanted to ask. 

He was looking at her with clear, sympathetic blue eyes, his lips pursed, gaze concerned, imploring— He wanted her to trust him, to let him in, and she found that she couldn’t bear to disappoint him. Not for the first time, Ellie cursed her mother for dying and leaving her with no secure attachments. She’d felt this way with Joel at first too, before he made his feelings known, this ache to please him, to make him love her; it was fucking pathetic but she felt it so strongly in her lungs that it was like she was drowning. 

He doesn’t know what he’s asking. No matter how much he wanted to help, he didn’t really want to hear about a bunch of guys holding her down and fucking her while she cried. He wouldn’t want to know how they destroyed her, cut her into itty bitty, tiny pieces, just like David said, and turned her into nothing. Anyone who actually wanted to hear about something like that was fucked up.

“I don’t want you to look at me differently.” Her bottom lip quivered, and she hid her face in her knees so he couldn’t see how fast her control was disintegrating.

“Tcht. That ain’t gonna happen. No matter what it is,” he said, sounding so sure of himself.

“You will. Joel does— And Marlene, she couldn’t even look at me—”

When she peeked up at him through her lashes, Tommy’s brows were knitted together, his expression pensive. “Well, I s’pose I can’t guarantee what I’m gonna think,” he conceded. “But I do know that nothin’ you tell me is gonna change the fact that we’re family now, that I’m on your side. Not jus’ for the town, or for Joel— If Jackson got blown to smithereens tomorrow an’ Joel got eaten by a wild boar, we’d still be family you an’ me.”

The corners of Ellie’s mouth tugged up into a small, sad smile. That, if anything, brought her some comfort. 

Tommy combed his fingers through his hair and proceeded with caution. “So, whatever it is we’re talkin’ about here started when Joel got hurt?”

Shit—This is gonna suck so bad. You should’ve just kept your stupid mouth shut, or told Joel to tell him, or literally anything that’s not what you’re about to do right now— Ellie shook her head and her breath caught in her throat, unease making it hard to exhale. “It started before that.”

“Before the university?”

“No— Before Joel got hurt,” she croaked.

He waited patiently for her to continue. 

“We were ambushed by this group of assholes, hunters, bandits—whatever they’re called—at the university. While we were fighting them, that’s when Joel fell. He made it on foot to where Callus was tied up, which was good because I don’t think I could’ve dragged him all the way out of the building by myself. I killed the rest of the guys—”

“Which is an impressive feat in itself. I don’ know how you managed that,” he commented. 

Ellie shrugged and a few stray tears burned down her cheeks. She wiped them away with her undershirt sleeve, resigned to the fact that she wasn’t going to stop crying any time soon.

“Winter came really fast after that. I found supplies and killed some more guys, then I hid Joel in this weird abandoned warehouse so I could hunt and stuff— He was SO sick. He couldn’t do anything, and his lips would turn blue and get all shaky. I could never tell if it was because he was cold or because he couldn’t breathe—” She tried to conceal the residual fear in her voice. “The worst was when he started getting a fever because he would mumble stuff about Sarah—And that’s when I was like… This is it. Joel’s gonna die. You know? Because he never used to talk about her—” 

Tommy put a firm hand on her knee. “Take your time, Ellie. Remember, you ain’t there no more— Joel’s jus’ fine; stubborn as ever.”

She nodded, sucking the snot back up into her nose as she took a second to regroup. “I suck at hunting. Like, really suck at it. I’m good with a bow, but those rabbits are fast little fuckers… so we barely had anything to eat. Joel couldn’t eat. Sometimes I would chew up little pieces of meat and make him drink it down with water because I was so scared he was gonna starve to death,” she admitted.

“That’s…” Tommy paused, fumbling around for something to say. “…resourceful,” he settled on, but Ellie could see the pity in his eyes already. The look her gave her was almost enough stop her in her tracks. Don’t think about it, because if you start thinking about it…

“I started taking Callus and going farther away to look for better game, and I killed a deer. But then right after, I met these two guys that wanted to trade some of the deer meat for Penicillin.” She couldn’t bring herself to say their names. Tommy’s lips pursed in a thin line. He didn’t comment, but his thumb fiddled with one of the buttons on his work shirt, like he knew where this was going.

“We did the trade, but that’s when I found out it was a group of their friends that me and Joel killed at the university, and they recognized me the whole time. They were just playing with me.” Ellie stared at her knees.

She included the part about David locking her in a cage, and breaking his fucking finger. But she left out the whole freezer full of chopped up dead people ordeal, because that was just heinous. The story was already terrible enough without bringing up cannibalism. 

By the time she got to the burning restaurant, a knot the size of a robin’s egg had made a nest in her throat, and the younger Miller was quiet. “He was strangling me so hard,” she whispered, sniffling and smearing fresh tears across her already raw skin. “I’m pretty sure I started to die. But that’s when Joel appeared out of nowhere and pulled him off me.”

“Joel?” He sounded surprised. “I thought Joel was sick.” 

“Yeah. I forgot to tell you I gave him some of the Penicillin before they trapped me. But he ended up not being able to do anything anyways cos a bunch more of them showed up,” Ellie lamented. “They knocked us both out.” Oh God. I can’t do this. I can’t do this— No—No—No— I want Joel. Where’s Joel? She sucked in deep gasping breaths, hands rubbing and pinching at her legs. Focus. Just finish the story. 

“Ellie, if you need to stop—”

She ignored him. His voice was just background noise now to a horror movie playing out in her mind. Ellie rocked back and forth, kneading and pulling at her tights.“When I woke up I was on the floor and Joel was handcuffed. Some guy had a fucking gun in his face. They were all standing over me; one of them pinned my arms down. I didn’t know what they were doing at first but Joel did—He was so mad.” 

A hand squeezed inside her chest, the rush of blood in her ears almost deafening as snot and tears combined and ran down her chin. Just tell him. He already knows. “They hurt me—” she let out in a constricted whine. “— and they made Joel watch.”

“Oh sweetheart,” Tommy breathed.  

“He was so mad,” she repeated. “He was crying, and begging, and threatening— I never saw him cry before— But they didn’t care; they were all laughing at me, and looking at me—And it hurtsobad— Joel begged them to kill him instead, but I told them no!” Ellie wailed. “I didn’t want him to die!” 

Before Ellie could say anything else, Tommy closed the gap between them and gathered her into his arms. His grasp was tight, a little awkward, but his arms around her felt so nice. She smushed her face into his chest like she did with Joel, but unlike Joel, his body shook a bit as he held her. Ellie realized then, that Tommy was also crying, her hair catching a few of his tears. “Sometimes I just can’t stop thinking about it. That’s why I yelled at you—I’m sorry—” 

He hugged her harder. 

When they separated, Tommy wiped his eyes on his sleeve and swallowed the rest of his tears. There was a brief, uncomfortable tension as the younger Miller struggled to find the words. “I don’ really know what to say to that, kiddo, other than I’m so goddamn sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ellie mumbled, hiding her face again. 

“That don’t mean I ain’t sorry,” he said softly.

“You should probably talk to Joel about it. I bet he needs to talk about it.” Her voice became mechanical again, a little distant.

Tommy tucked her chin up to look at him. “I’ll talk to him, but hear me on this, Ellie—” His voice dropped low. “That terrible, bad thing that happened to you, that don’t change nothin’ for me. We’re still family. I’m still lookin’ at you jus’ the same as always, alright?”

Ellie nodded. Then, when her mind slowed down, comprehended the gravity of his statement, a wave of emotional release like nothing she’d ever felt before crashed over her, a wall of icy relief that spread into her veins and formed a protective coating over her heart. 

She’d talked about it. She’d told Tommy what happened and he still wanted her. A sense of overwhelming gratitude propelled her forward as she threw her arms around his neck one more time. 

For the first time in months, her mind was free from that nagging little voice. Like that one simple act shed the weight of a thousand anchors. Maybe it would come back, maybe it wouldn’t, but right now, she was going to enjoy a nice quiet breakfast with her Uncle Tommy. 

Chapter Text

“It ain’t right,” Tommy sighed. “It just ain’t right. I could understand her fallin’ into the path of some fuckin’ pedophile, some demented son-of-a-bitch who lures her in real gentle. But what I don’ understand is how a whole group of ‘em, even out in the wild like that could look at a fourteen-year-old girl an’…” The younger Miller couldn’t even finish his sentence, taking another swig of his drink.

This was the first time Tommy had broached the subject of Colorado with Joel since Ellie confessed to him what had happened. He came home from patrol that morning to find his brother and Ellie makin’ him breakfast, Tommy wearin’ an indulgent smile as he intervened to prevent Ellie’s awkward French-toast flip from landing the bread on the floor. 

He’d thought nothing of it; he wasn’t all that surprised, just relieved to see her laughin’ again.

Joel didn’t come to understand the full extent of what occurred between the two of them that morning until Ellie went upstairs to change and his brother’s carefully walled composure cracked, a storm rising in his face. Voltaic waves of barely-restrained, jaw-twitching anger radiating off his person, so wildly out of character that it threw him through a loop, and left him wondering what in the hell he was in trouble for now. 

Tommy’s voice had been narrow and urgent as he pulled Joel out onto the porch, hands shaking like he’d been holding his finger on a grenade all morning, and said, “I can’t have this conversation now. I need to take some space— talk to Maria—clear my head—But before I do, I need you to tell me that every single one of those sick motherfuckers who touched that little girl is dead— I need that, because if they ain’t—” 

It was hands down the most savagery, the most genuine violence he’d ever heard in his brother’s tone, despite having been both a facilitator and a witness to much of Tommy Miller’s questionable past, and all Joel could think in that moment was, Jesus motherfucking Christ, that boy is good. How he’d gotten Ellie to spill her guts was beside the point; all that mattered now was that Tommy knew, and by extension Maria did too. 

Ellie told Joel later that his brother had asked permission to share her version of events with his wife, which she had immediately granted. She said it made no sense for one of them to know and not the other. 

Now, the two brothers were out on the porch dodging mosquitoes under the waxing moon, Joel with a Kentucky coffee, and Tommy nursing his usual Bourbon neat. The girls were inside playin’ a couple good rounds of Dutch Blitz, a fast-paced card game suggested by Maria. The girls in question bein’ Ellie of course, and Dina— who was spendin’ the night. 

Joel exhaled into his mug, elbows resting on the porch rail. “The first guy was the instigator,” he said. “One of the assholes she was tradin’ with. Ellie says his name was David. From what she’s told me, he was fixin’ to groom her from the start, an’ when she wouldn’t bite, he led the others into it—He was a real sadistic motherfucker. Most’a what triggers her now seems to trace back to him in some way or another.” 

“Anything we should know about?”

“Tcht. Well, we all know she don’ like groups. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what sets her off—Probly be easier to a make a list of what don’t. We’re workin’ on that, her an’ I— But as a general rule, she don’ want nothin’ to do with sex. She don’ wanna hear about it, don’ wanna think about it; I don’ even think she likes the sight of people kissin’, or talkin’ about relationships.” 

He debated even mentioning the last part, but the way Joel saw it, there was a difference between recognizing the issues and askin’ people to change their behavior because of ‘em.

Some of that stuff she would eventually need to adjust to; bein’ a teenager, it wouldn’t be long before her friends started pairin’ off, seemed like Dina and Jesse were just about there already, and he couldn’t very well ask his brother and sister-in-law to quit bein’ affectionate cos Ellie don’ like it. She would need to build up some of her own resilience in those situations.  

His brother looked thoughtful. “So, you, ‘walkin’ around gettin’ random girls pregnant…’” he trailed off.

“Yeah,” Joel rubbed the back of his neck. “Thas’ a whole separate issue.”

Tommy’s eyebrows knitted together, confused.

“I don’ know if it was me bein’ there, bein’ so involved…or if it was somethin’ that David fucker said to her. Maybe I jus’ wasn’t clear enough with her from the start,” he sighed, struggling with how much to reveal to his brother. “But she has these dreams, night terrors more like, where I’m the one hurtin’ her. She’s got this paranoia around it.” He wasn’t sure if that was the right word.

“That’s…” Tommy blew out his breath in a loud sigh. “That must be hard to reconcile.”

Joel grunted, sipping on the warm, brown liquid. “Been tryin’ to nip that one in the bud now she’s come out with it—She was hidin’ it for a while. But it’s hard to know where her head is at, some of the shit her brain comes up with…” When he said it like that it sounded like he was puttin’ the blame on Ellie. “It ain’t her fault. I jus’ hate seein’ her so confused, torturing herself over somethin’ so…” Heinous? Unspeakable? Unforgivable? Now it was Joel who couldn’t finish his sentences.

He figured it was the worst possible betrayal her subconscious mind could concoct, a monstrous twist when run-of-the-mill nightmares weren’t enough, perhaps the only thing scarier than what had already happened to her.

“You said she got sick—” the younger Miller prompted after a short pause, “—A kidney infection? Was that somehow caused by… what they did to her?” His brother had yet to use the word rape; likely because he couldn’t stomach the offensive term in connection to the little ponytail girl playin’ cards in Joel’s living room. 

He massaged the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, then set his coffee down. “Started off as a nasty UTI, but the infection spread into her bladder an’ kidneys. She don’t know this part, but when they ran their tests at that Firefly hospital, she was positive for gonorrhea. Pregnancy tests came back negative, thank the Lord— Don’ even know how you’d go about takin’ care of somethin’ like that nowadays—”

“Goddamn,” His brother cursed. “That’s fucked up. This is all so beyond fucked up—She’s just a kid. She shouldn’t have to worry ‘bout none of that. Ain’t even old enough to be thinkin’ ‘bout it yet far as I’m concerned—I know you were young, but fourteen—”

She’s just a kid. Joel remembered pleading with David using those same four words, one last-ditch, desperate appeal as the son-of-a-bitch dragged slick fingers across Ellie’s belly and unbuckled his pants between her legs. He shut his eyes to drown out her pained screams as the hunter pushed himself inside her, the little girl’s cries beseeching Joel to help her— to make it stop—to do something—

He must’ve winced, because Tommy quieted his rant and put a hand on his shoulder. “Listen Joel— I know Ellie has you, and Maria an’ I are gonna make damn sure she knows she can talk to us, but if there’s somethin’ you need to get off your chest…”

Joel sighed. Was there anything he needed to get off his chest? This was his brother; Tommy knew him better than anyone else. At thirteen, he’d watched Joel make the transformation from carefree teenager into giddy new father overnight; he’d witnessed him slave and struggle for years to keep a roof over his daughter’s head after their parents kicked him out. When Erin quit on them, the boy wasted countless hours of his youth on babysitting duty, choosing family over friends every single time. 

His brother had killed for him without question, watched him clutch his little girl to his chest as she squealed and choked up her own blood, helped him carry her lifeless body for three long, grueling days because Joel just could not bear to put her down…Saw him go through another, more sinister transformation from Sarah’s daddy to hardened survivor. 

There was a lot of history there—And no matter how smug and self-righteous Tommy was in his perfect little town, with his stringent code of morality, there was no one on this earth Joel trusted more. 

The screen door swung open, interrupting his silent contemplation as Ellie let herself out onto the porch, Dina trailing behind. “Joel, can me and Dina make a fire in the backyard? We want to cook the deer sausages.” She was trendin’ after her uncle in the art of manipulation, specifically manipulating Joel to get what she wanted, her pretty green eyes wide and imploring. 

Joel snorted and fixed his face into an amused smirk. “You do realize we have a workin’ oven now? You don’ need to be cookin’ shit outside no more.” 

“Yeah, but they taste better over the fire,” she half-whined, “—please?”

So goddamn adorable. Despite everything she’d been through…the trauma of the past few days alone, she was doin’ her best to move forward, to try new things, and most importantly, she was eating. “If you say so, kiddo— But matches an’ paper only; don’ explode nothin, and stay in the yard,” he drawled out a warning. 

“We will!” she singsonged, throwing her arms around his neck in a brief display of affection, before darting back into the house. Oh yeah, Joel would savor this mood while it lasted. Dina grinned. “Thanks, Mr. Miller.” 

Ellie’s enthusiasm washed away some of the nightmarish introspection from before as he crossed his arms over his chest, drink in hand, and leaned back against the rail. “Thanks Tommy.” He took another sip of his coffee. “I appreciate it, but I reckon I’m just fine for now.” 

There was already a makeshift fireplace in the backyard, just a two-and-a-half foot wide circle of dirt with a bed of rocks around it, but it was better than trying to get something going on the grass. Both Ellie and Dina were well-versed in the science and practical applications of fire-starting, so it didn’t take more than a few minutes of gathering sticks and wood, and some kindling in the form of old recycling paper for the small fire to catch and start crackling.

“Tommy and Joel seem close,” Dina commented as they worked, snapping twigs to feed the growing orange flames. “Why didn’t your dad come here sooner? I mean, I’m glad he didn’t because that would mean you getting left behind, but the QZ sounds like a fucking garbage fire compared to Jackson.” 

“Joel liked Boston.” Ellie shrugged. “And he was a different person. He smuggled shit, and people respected him; a lot of people were scared of him. Plus, him and Tommy actually don’t get along that good. They fight A LOT, but Joel doesn’t believe in, ‘airing your dirty laundry for everyone to see,’” she said with air quotes. Ellie figured that was part of the reason he always got so mad when she was smart with him in public. 

Tonight, she was pretty sure she’d interrupted them brooding together; it wasn’t hard to guess what about, but she was trying not to think about that, not while Dina was over. 

“He was a smuggler? Really?”

“Mhm, weapons mostly, ammo, shipments of food, maybe pills too, but I don’t know for sure. It took a long time for him to start telling me anything. Actually, we still don’t really talk about that. ”

How ‘bout we just keep our histories to ourselves, says the man who’d just asked her a whole fuck tonne of prying questions about herself. Hypocrite.  

“What about people? Did he ever move them? There were heaps of smugglers in Mesa, but also these other guys my sister called grabbers, a lot of them were both. We tried to stay out of it but we had a couple close calls, especially the further we went into Phoenix, ” Dina said with a frown as she used one of the thin sticks in their arsenal to pierce two of Tommy’s venison sausages. 

“What like human trafficking?” Ellie copied her friend and speared a sausage for herself, the fire popping and snapping in front of them. “No. I think that’s a bit too far, even for him.” 

He better fucking not-have. But she didn’t think that was his style; he was too much of a softy, even back then. 

Still, she might be looking at him through the daughter-worship lens—He’d never specifically said he didn’t move people. The only thing he said for sure was that he’d never smuggled a kid. There’s another stupid thought to write down in your stupid journal. Though she wasn’t sure if this one counted since Dina was the one who brought it up. 

After she’d freaked out over at Tommy’s house, Joel tried to convince her to start saying her disturbing thoughts out loud to him. His reasoning was that maybe if she gave him a chance to dispel the thoughts before they built up, then she wouldn’t get to the point of explosion. It was a solid idea and she loved him for wanting to help, but that was a firm no. No fucking way.

She was pretty sure it would ruin their relationship if she started asking him every ten minutes things like, did he ever accidentally get hard when they were snuggling in bed together? Or, remember the time two guys the same age as you and Tommy came inside me?—Me too. She didn’t include the third guy because he didn’t actually finish before… Dammit. Now this has to go in the fucking book. 

Their compromise was that Ellie was supposed to expel all the evil into a journal, and at the end of each week, they would read and talk about it together. She still wasn’t totally sold on the idea, but he’d made her promise that she’d give it one, good, honest try—for one week— and that if it didn’t help, he wouldn’t make her do it again.

“That’s good cos it was super fucked up,” Dina said, and Ellie had to wrack her brain to remember what they’d been talking about. Human trafficking, right. Really cheerful topic. She’s totally gonna wanna keep being your friend. The other girl seemed distracted too as she pulled one of her charred sausages off the stick and brought it to her mouth to take a bite.

“Dude! You just pulled that out of the fi—” Ellie tried to warn her, but it was too late.

“Ow! Fuck— Thas’ hot!” Dina spat the piece of meat out onto her hand, grease dribbling down her chin, and Ellie dissolved into a fit of giggles. “What the fuck? You’re so dumb,” she laughed. 

“Shut up! I was distracted thinking about how your dad went from a life of organized crime, to having picnics and braiding your hair on the beach—”

Soft footfalls echoed behind them in the grass and Ellie spun around. Tommy was making his way across the yard, his hands on his hips, face sporting a wide grin. “Better not let your daddy catch you out here gossipin’ about him,” he jested. 

Hm. Now Tommy was using that word. It didn’t sound so bad coming out of his mouth. Actually, it was kind of nice, like he was validating their relationship saying it so casual-like. 

“We weren’t gossiping!” She scowled playfully, jabbing her stick in his direction. 

He sidestepped her attack with a chuckle. “Sure you weren’t.” Then he reached down and mussed her hair. “I was just comin’ to say goodnight, kiddo. Joel’s gone inside; said he was gonna turn in early, leave you girls to your gabbin’.”

“Oh. Goodnight,” Ellie said, standing to give him a one-armed hug. It still took her by surprise how much Tommy cared about her. Like, he walked all the way out to the backyard just to say goodbye before he left. He rubbed her shoulder and smiled, “Have fun, sweetheart— Night Dina.” He nodded to her friend before taking off back in the direction of the house.

“Shut up,” Ellie glared as Dina giggled behind her hand.

“Hey— I’m not judging. It’s just cute how you go from badass, clicker-killing Ellie to…well… that,” she nodded in the direction Tommy left in, then smirked. “I would’ve expected you to be the one doing cartwheels around the other kids at the orphanage, or whatever you did for fun, not the one sucking up to teachers.”

Heat flooded her cheeks. “What does that even mean? I wasn’t sucking up to Tommy— He’s my uncle! Just because you think he’s scary— I bet you can’t even do a fucking cartwheel—”

“Oh, I can do a fucking cartwheel,” Dina shot back.

“Prove it,” Ellie said, challenge rising in her voice.

The girls collapsed in a heap on the ground next to the dying fire, Ellie’s chest heaving, their laughter floating into the sky. They’d established that Dina could in fact do a cartwheel, but that Ellie was faster, and could keep her arms and legs straighter. “It’s cos you’re so little,” Dina snorted, rolling over to face her in the grass, her breath still uneven. 

Ellie groaned. “I’m not little.” 

“I didn’t mean it as a bad thing.”

“I just hate being reminded. It doesn’t matter if you’re big or small, or whatever— As soon as you become a teenager everyone starts treating you like an adult, making you do fucking awful things just cos they can, without thinking about how much it fucks you up inside—”

Dina was staring at her now, the concern evident in her expression. “I know that, Ellie. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I shouldn’t’ve said anything.” Ellie wanted to crawl into a hole and die; that’s where she belonged. Just because all the wires in her brain were crossed didn’t mean she had to electrocute everyone around her, but that’s what kept happening.

“No, I get it,” Dina shrugged, turning over again to look up at the sky, her hands coming to rest on her belly. The stars weren’t very bright tonight, not like they usually were in Jackson, the moon hidden behind a passing cloud. “My mom is so paranoid about me having sex with Jesse and getting pregnant, or getting hurt, that it makes me scared to do anything. She makes it all sound so terrible.”

It is terrible, Ellie wanted to say, but she swallowed her words. 

“I know why she does it though. She never had good experiences with men, and neither did my sister. Even my dad was an asshole. Talia’s dad was the only one she ever loved, and he ended up cheating on her anyways. But Jesse’s not like that, and it fucks me up always thinking that he could be— Like maybe he’s just trying to get in my pants when I know he’s not.”

They were veering into dangerous territory, but she tried to concentrate on what Dina was saying instead of on herself. It was comforting to know that Ellie wasn’t the only one at war with her thoughts, or the only one with a shitty father, not that she could admit that to her friend. She was still content living under the illusion that Joel was her biological dad. “I don’t think Jesse would do that,” she said lamely.

“Yeah, for being a teenage boy, he’s really not that focused on sex. He says it’s fine to wait as long as I want. He is a pretty good kisser though…” she trailed off, a sly grin forming on her face. “Have you ever kissed anyone?” 

“Uh—” Ellie experienced a moment of chest-tightening panic before she realized that Dina said anyone, and not a boy. “Yeah— My friend Riley, back in Boston.”

“Was he a good kisser? I bet he was a good kisser.”

Ellie just shot her friend a small smile. Of course Dina assumed Riley was a guy. Why don’t you just tell her? Chicken shit. But the moment passed before she could work up the nerve. 

After Ellie and her friend ate their sausages and doused the fire, they tip-toed up the porch steps and into pitch-blackness.

Joel turned off all the lights before he went to bed, and with electricity used so sparsely overnight in Jackson, neither girl could see two feet in front of them; Dina grabbed onto her hand going up the stairs to keep from falling. 

Ellie couldn’t help but notice that Joel had left his door open a crack. It would be weird for him to open it all the way with Dina sleeping over; the bedrooms were too close together, but Ellie was grateful for the small gesture. She was more than a little bit nervous for the whole sleeping part of the sleepover. 

Joel suggested Ellie try going to bed in her own room last night, just to practice, so that’s what she did. He’d left his door wide open so she could still see into the room and everything.

She laid awake for hours, tossing and turning, alone with her thoughts, until two in the morning when she gave up, wrapped her comforter around her body, and crept in with Joel, sliding into the familiar spot beside him on the left side of the bed. 

Ellie had never really slept alone, not just this past year, but throughout her entire life. She grew up in an orphanage full to the brim with everybody’s leftover kids, sometimes two or three to a bed, then in school, she shared dorm-style rooms, then she did a brief stint in an overcrowded Firefly camp, and after that, she was on the road with Joel. Sleeping alone wouldn’t be the problem tonight, not with Dina in the bed with her. 

What scared Ellie was the probability of having a nightmare. She didn’t have nightmares every night anymore, not even most nights. But when she did have them, they were crippling, cataclysmic, humiliating affairs loud enough to wake an entire household. 

It was bad enough that Tommy and Maria had witnessed a few, let alone Dina, who wouldn’t have any context whatsoever for the behavior. 

“Don’t wake up Joel,” Ellie whispered, as Dina let go of her hand and walked a few paces ahead to squint at the framed picture on the mantel, the one of Joel and Sarah. She was surprised he’d put it up in the first place, but she didn’t dare comment in case he took it down. 

He’d left a spot open on the other side of the shelf for a picture of him and Ellie, whenever they could find someone with a camera. “Is this his other daughter?” she asked, picking up the photo. “The one who—”

“Shh—” Ellie hushed again, grabbing the frame and returning it to its spot. Then she pulled the girl into her room and clicked the door shut behind them. “Sorry, he only brings up Sarah in really specific moods. He’d probably be mad if he heard us talking about her.”

There was a good chance he was still awake. It would be just like Joel not to allow himself to fall asleep until she came inside. 

“How did she die?” Dina frowned, staring around her room. 

The space was still pretty bare; they hadn’t done much work on it yet considering Ellie never slept there, but Joel had strung white ‘Christmas lights’ around the junction between the wall and the ceiling on all four sides, to alleviate some of the darkness. He’d also replaced the single mattress with a double, and found a nightstand and a dresser for her clothes. 

“I’m not sure,” she said back, still making an effort to be quiet. “He definitely doesn’t talk about that. But it had something to do with the military, and it was on outbreak day. I could probably get Tommy to tell me; he was there when it happened.” Ellie assumed that Sarah got shot, but she wasn’t gonna come right out and ask. 

They changed into their pajamas, but Ellie just took off her t-shirt and left on her long-sleeve undershirt so as not to risk Dina seeing her bite mark, then she slipped on her dinosaur bottoms. Her friend on the other hand, slept in only a cropped tank-top and shorts; Ellie had to scold herself every time her gaze was drawn to the patch of exposed midriff, the horizontal scar…

She pulled out her drawing book for something to keep her eyes busy as they settled into the bed, the lights illuminating the space enough for Ellie to see her pencil lines.

“Is that Tommy and Maria?” Dina leaned over to look.

“Mhm. I wanted to do something nice for them. They’ve been so good to me, even though they totally weren’t expecting Joel to show up here with a kid.” The picture was a torso-shot of the couple, Maria’s arms wrapped around Tommy’s waist from behind, like she’d seen them do a million times. She was in the middle of drawing Maria’s jawline.

As she did so, she recalled her first conversation with the woman after Tommy went home that day, the way she’d gripped Ellie’s shoulders just a little too tight, but in a gesture so full of support it didn’t matter— “You are gonna get through this, honey. You’ve been so brave. You’re a survivor, and you-are-not-alone. You can still have a good life; those monsters don’t get to take that away.” Then she’d pulled her in for a hug and said, “We love you, Ellie. No matter what. Do you understand?”

“It’s beautiful,” Dina whispered.

“Yeah, it is,” Ellie smiled, but they weren’t talking about the same thing.

Chapter Text

You’re fucking pathetic. Seriously. What kind of almost fifteen-year-old girl still needs to sleep in bed with her dad? He’s not even your actual fucking dad. Even Tommy thinks it’s weird. Ellie was one her fifth round of the same long, torturous mental cycle as Dina dozed peacefully beside her, mouth hung open, letting out soft, endearing, not-quite snores.

She’d finished her picture of Tommy and Maria two hours ago, then she wrote down all the nasty thoughts from earlier in her journal like she was supposed to. Something she maybe shouldn't have done right before trying to fall asleep— Because now, as the digital clock on her night stand read 03:44, Ellie was getting restless. Her eyes were itching and her lids heavy, but every time she closed them she saw a whole bunch of shit she didn’t want to see. 

She hadn’t seen Joel for hours, not since he gave her permission to make a fire. Ellie hadn’t even poked her head into his room to say goodnight. 

He could’ve had a heart attack while she was outside; he was such a quiet sleeper; he could be dead right now and she wouldn’t know it. Old people had heart attacks and strokes all the time. Shut the fuck up. He didn’t have a heart attack; he’s not that old. Plus he’s really strong; he gets plenty of exercise. Still, it would be good to hear his heartbeat, just to check.

Dina mumbled something incoherent in her sleep and turned over, her thick, black hair fanning out across the pillow in one messy wave. If the other girl woke up and noticed Ellie was missing, she would probably just assume she went downstairs to get some water, or to use the bathroom. Besides, Ellie had been watching her sleep all night and her friend hadn’t even woken up once. You’re such a fucking creep. Go stare at Joel for a change so at least if she does wake up she doesn’t catch you looking at her like some sort of stalker.  

Ellie let out an inaudible groan, then very carefully, she slid out of bed and crept into the hallway, leaving her door part of the way open so the sound wouldn’t disturb Dina. Just go see him, make sure he’s there and breathing, then go right back to bed. Nothing bad was gonna happen if Joel was in the house, even if he wasn’t right next to her. Once she determined that he was alive, hypothetically, she should be able to go to sleep.

Joel was sprawled out across his normal side of the bed wearing a pair of sweatpants and a plain blue t-shirt, El Diablo in its usual spot on his nightstand. He stirred when she entered the room, but didn’t wake up. Ellie stood in the doorway for a few seconds watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. Ok—He’s definitely not dead— Now go back to your room and go to sleep.

She shouldn’t wake him up. It would be stupid. He was old; he needed his sleep and Ellie sucked so much of his energy everyday that it was only fair for her to let him have one night where he didn’t have to worry about her. But she couldn’t help it. The hours felt so long in between now and the morning. Maybe you don’t have to wake him up. Maybe you can just lay near him for a second and he won’t even notice.

Except Joel noticed everything. He woke up the moment Ellie crawled onto the bed, but he didn’t react to her presence until she was pressed firmly into the spot under his armpit. “Hey, snuggle bunny,” he said, one hand rubbing over his face while the other dragged her closer. “What’re you doin’ in here?”

“I just missed you,” Ellie whispered, her voice small. 

“Mm,” he murmured. “I missed you too.” 

Liar. He was sleeping just fine before she decided to ruin it. She wormed the top half of her body onto his chest and buried her nose in his shirt, inhaling the familiar Joel-smell, then she hugged him as hard as she could. Joel brought both his arms around her and snuggled her back for a minute before he let out a low sigh. “Ellie— Honey, go on back to bed now. It ain’t nice to make your friend wake up alone in a house she don’t belong.”

“I can’t sleep.” Her voice trembled a bit as she spoke. Holy fuck. Do NOT start crying right now. 

He scooched back a bit to lean against the wall, forcing Ellie to sit up with him, then he moved a piece of hair off her face. “You’re fine, girl,” he soothed. “You’re jus’ workin’ it up inside your head.”

She let out her breath in an obstinate huff. “It’s not like I actually want to be this much of a fucking pussy.”

Joel cringed. “You ain’t… that. An’ I know you ain’t doin’ it on purpose. All I’m sayin’ is, you tellin’ yourself you can’t sleep, is the reason you can’t sleep. It don’t got nothin’ to do with whether I’m here or not.”

Ellie stared at him, and he leaned his head back, lips turning up in a fond smile. “Alright…C’mon—Get it outta your system—” Joel opened his arms and she fell into them, squeezing him tight around the neck. He crushed her against him just how she liked and rocked them back-and-forth in an exaggerated, silly motion until she couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “Thatta girl—” he drawled. “You’re gonna be jus’ fine.”

“No I’m not. I’m gonna die,” she mumbled into his shoulder. Joel snorted and tapped her spine. “Go back to your room little miss ‘I want a sleepover.’” 

Ellie growled at his playful tone, but she was actually feeling a lot better. How the fuck did he do that? When she got back to her room, Dina was still fast asleep; she had to fight against an overwhelming burst of happy impulsivity that told her to scratch a line through all the bad thoughts in her journal. Everything in there felt fucking embarrassing to admit now, even to Joel. 

Of course he’d never done any of that bad stuff. He was her dad. And she was safe in Jackson; she had Maria and Tommy, and Tommy definitely didn’t want to hurt her. He fucking CRIED when she told him what happened with David. And even if there were people here who had secrets like that in their pasts, it was over now. It was done. Ellie didn’t need to know. She didn’t need to obsess about it—

—But as good as all that mental reassurance felt, she knew it was a lie, an emotional smokescreen. Just because those thoughts seemed totally crazy right now, didn’t mean they weren’t real, or that she wouldn’t start having them again. She put down the journal. Just leave it alone. Close your eyes and enjoy it while it lasts.

When Joel peeked into Ellie’s room the next morning, he had to squash his first impulse to laugh, but gave way to his second, which was to let out an equal parts amused and bone-weary sigh. Jesus Christ, girl. Ellie was passed out next to Dina, one skinny arm slung across the other girl’s body, Dina’s nose tucked in the curve of her neck, her head nestled under Ellie’s chin. It was interesting that in the absence of a teddy bear, Ellie’s instinct wasn’t to seek out another— but to become the teddy bear herself. 

Well, he supposed that solved one problem. Now she’d had one sleepover, she could have another, hopefully without the need to work herself into a knot about it half way through the night. Sleepin’ alone was one thing; that would figure itself out, but he wasn’t about to let her fall asleep in his bed with someone who wasn’t immediate family around to witness.

He didn’t know Dina well enough yet to trust that she would keep Ellie’s business private, especially considerin’ her mother’s disposition—and Joel just hoped his girl was using the same discretion. For someone with such a tough-girl exterior, Ellie was real insecure; she craved love and affection more than anyone he’d ever met, which made sense, her bein’ both a teenager and an orphan, but it also scared him.

Joel liked to think that Sarah had been given a better foundation. No matter what happened with her mom, she’d always had Joel, and when Joel wasn’t around, she’d had Tommy. By twelve, she was embarrassed to be spotted with dad at school, or in the mall— She’d definitely been able to go more than a handful of hours without seeing him. The point being, that his first daughter had grown up with enough love in her life that she didn’t covet it from anyone who offered.

Ellie on the other hand— As far as Joel knew, he was the first adult to give her consistent, positive reinforcement and affection, and she’d latched onto it— hard. Her brain was wired after years of emotional neglect to sink her claws in and never let go, and if that’s what she needed, he was more than happy to let her. He didn’t need a psychic to know that bein’ Ellie’s dad would be enough to keep him going for the rest of his life. He wasn’t lookin’ to settle down, or get ‘wrangled up,’ as his brother would put it. In fact, Joel reckoned he already was wrangled up, just in a different way. 

The same couldn’t be said for Dina, who, despite her tumultuous past seemed to be fairly well-adjusted. She had other friends, a boyfriend-type-person, other relationships. She couldn’t be expected to devote the whole of her life to bein’ Ellie’s friend, and Joel’s fear was that Ellie would latch, and that it would only traumatize her more if something disrupted the friendship.

That, and it was real fuckin’ obvious Ellie had a crush on the girl.

He knew it was backwards as her dad to wish she’d gravitated more toward Isaac; he shouldn’t want her to hang out with teenage boys, but the kid was harmless, and at least if her first Jackson friend had been Esther’s son, there would be less chance of Ellie gettin’ her feelings hurt.

Now, to be fair, he hadn’t broached the topic of bein’ gay—or lesbian—or whatever with his daughter, thinkin’ it too sensitive for her current state—so he didn’t know for sure if it was only girls she liked, but he had a mighty strong suspicion that it was.

Joel was up early so he took some time to go over the construction schedule for the week. Tomorrow would be his first Monday takin’ over as foreman, a position that Tommy had apparently been stretched thin tryin’ to cover for the past year after the last guy left town. His brother hadn’t mentioned it right away in an effort to give him and Ellie more time to adjust, to fix up their house before they dove into serious work, but Joel thought it would be good for her to have a schedule and he’d said as much.

Maria tried to have a talk with her about different options, but Ellie was adamant that she wanted to work construction with him, despite having no experience or interest in the subject till she found out that’s what Joel would be doing, but he wasn’t gonna tell her no. He didn’t have a problem lettin’ her shadow him; he certainly wasn’t gonna put her with no one else, an’ it would solve the problem of needing a babysitter.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her to be alone during the day, but she got restless so fast; she wouldn’t like bein’ by herself; she’d get up to no good, and it wasn’t fair to hound Tommy and Maria to watch her all the time. His sister-in-law had suggested she tag along with Eugene during the day doin’ handiwork like Dina often did; Maria was worried and rightfully so, that the constant presence of men laughin’ in groups on a construction site would upset Ellie.

Part of him agreed with Tommy’s wife; it seemed an awful lot like tempting fate, but once the girl got it in her head that she was gonna do something, she wouldn’t budge. “Psh. Joel’s gonna be there. I’ll be fine.”

It was better to let her come to her own conclusions anyways. Besides, it could work as some sort of fucked up exposure therapy if he handled it right. But if she wanted to switch over to fixin’ shit with Eugene, or workin’ on the farm later on, well— Joel wouldn’t stop her.

The girls didn’t come down until quarter past nine, and when they did, they were still in jammies; Ellie’s hair was a disaster. He needed to get her out of the habit of wearin’ her ponytail to bed, somethin’ she’d done on the road that carried over into Jackson. Still, he wasn’t gonna bug her while her friend was over. “Morning Joel— Can we eat? I’m starving,” were the first words out of her mouth. 

He snorted. Typical Ellie. “Why don’ you give that oatmeal a try? Put some syrup, and milk, an’ the raspberries Esther gave you on it.” Pack as many calories into her breakfast as humanly possible. Joel stayed on the couch, picking through the schedule as Dina put the kettle on, and Ellie readied their bowls. “Do you want some?” she asked Joel.

“I’m good, thanks kiddo. But I wouldn’t say no if you boiled a couple eggs— Make one for yourself. Dina too if she wants—”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even want eggs, he just wants me to eat an egg,” she grumbled to her friend. The other girl yawned and laughed at the same time. “Probly just trying to fatten you up, sabotage your cartwheeling game.”

“Not a chance,” Ellie grinned, and Joel felt distinctly, ‘out of the loop.’ The feeling continued when the girls sat down to eat their oatmeal, the eggs still boiling on the stove, and Ellie put a cautionary hand on Dina’s arm, “Make sure you blow on it first.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Dina dissolved into a fit of giggles, and then so did Ellie. Damn. Joel had spent almost two decades thinkin’ little slices of heaven like this were gone for good.

“Sorry for swearing,” Ellie’s friend apologized when she composed herself and Joel waved her off. He woulda grounded Sarah into next year if she said even half the shit that came outta Ellie’s mouth, but things were different now. Kids were different. 

“Me, Jesse, and Isaac were supposed to get together after lunch today, probably at Jesse’s house, to work on that D&D thing. Can you come?” Dina asked, and Joel didn’t miss the way the girl’s eyes slid over to him, then back to Ellie, like she was watching for his reaction. 

Ellie snorted and rested her chin on her hands as she fixed him with a precursory glare. “You’ll have to ask the warden. He has patrol in the afternoon, but Tommy’s supposed to be babysitting me.”

“Whaddya say, JM?” Dina asked with a smile. He could see why Ellie liked this girl, she was confident and she wasn’t at all shy. Despite his earlier musings about their friendship having the potential to hurt his daughter, he found that he did like her. And he had just been thinking about tryin’ to get Ellie and Isaac together. He was planning on setting something up with Esther on their patrol today, but this worked too. 

Joel leaned back into the arm of the couch and sighed. “Jesse has parents?”

Dina nodded. “Yep, Robin and Eric. They’re super nice, but also really strict, which you’ll probably like— No food in the living room, no shutting the doors upstairs, curfew’s at eleven—” she started listing off rules.

“Good parents then,” he commented, drawing out the suspense.

“Mhm—And Jesse’s been super fucking annoying about getting Ellie to draw a map for the game, so you see— if you don’t let her come with us, you might just be ending my relationship—”

There wasn't a whole lot more wholesome of requests than asking to go play a nerd game with her friends, and Joel couldn’t think of any possible reason besides his own irrational fears to say no, so he shrugged and said. “Alright. But Ellie— Make sure you’re back in time for movie night with Maria— You know she’s been dyin’ to show you Independence Day,” an alien classic from before the outbreak. Joel was pretty sure his sister-in-law just liked Will Smith, but the sci-fi shit was right up Ellie’s alley. “You might as well go straight over there when you’re done.”

“I will!” Ellie grinned and took another big bite of her oatmeal, then when Dina brought her bowl to the sink to wash it, Ellie mouthed, “I love you,” at him, with another one of her adorable, crooked smiles. 

I love you too, baby girl. More than you know. 

Chapter Text

Exactly one week after Ellie’s little incident over at Tommy’s house, they were supposed to look through her journal together. But when they sat down to do it in the evening, Ellie backed out. She wouldn’t even bring the book downstairs; she said she was 'too happy to ruin it,' and Joel thought that was more than fair. He wasn’t tryin’ to make things worse, so he’d told her they could wait till she was ready.

That moment as it turned out, was two days later. They were having a quiet night, Joel whittling on the couch and Ellie stretched out beside him reading Savage Starlight for the millionth time.

She was wearin’ her NASA night gown, which he found endearing due both to the fact that she didn't wear it often, and that the garment was a hell of a lot more girly than anything else she owned, the lettering and sleeves both baby pink.

He’d never had a typical girly-girl daughter, though he wouldn’t’ve minded; Erin used to dress Sarah up all cute before she was old enough to decide for herself, but as soon as she could, she’d gravitated towards jeans and soccer shorts, then after that came the goth phase.

“It’s punk daddy,” he could still hear her indignant voice correct in his head, though it was hard to remember exactly how she’d sounded after so many years without her.

With Ellie, it wasn’t so much that she was tryin’ to emulate some star or group of people, she just grew up in a time where dressing girly wasn’t practical. The only girls her age in Boston that wore dresses and skirts, or makeup were the ones who worked down by the docks, and Joel was certainly glad she’d never fit into that category.

It was in the middle of his daydreaming that she’d put down her comic book on the table in front of them, sighed, got up, then disappeared up the stairs without a word.

Joel decided to wait a few minutes before checkin’ on her, just in case she needed some time alone, but she was back downstairs before he could stress too much, dragging the thick, blue comforter from her bed behind her. She had the little leather bound book clutched in her hand, and fuck. She looked scared. He hated seein’ her scared. 

Ellie set the book on his knee, then backed away like she was planting a bomb— He realized then that the girl had brought the blanket down so she could use it to hide. She laid on her side with the bottom part of the comforter between her legs, smushing her face in the top part, which was rolled up like a pillow on the arm of the couch. 

Her feet were closest to him, and he tried to rest a comforting hand on her calf, but she twitched and pulled away. “I don’t want you to touch me.”

“Alright,” he agreed.

Ellie sighed into the blanket. “I’m not mad at you or anything. You just won’t want to be around me after, so I’m trying to make it easier.”

That wasn’t true, but he didn’t bother to correct her just yet. Nothin’ he said would be enough to convince her; she needed to be shown. “You don’ need to give a reason, Ellie. If you don’ want me touchin’ you, I won’t touch you.”

“Ok.”

Joel picked up the book, and Ellie cringed and buried her face deeper into the fabric. “If you ain’t ready—”

“I’m fine,” she mumbled before he could finish. That wasn’t true either, but he had to remind himself that this was all about control. She was in control, and she said she was ready, so he ought to believe her.

He opened the book without another word and began to read in silence.

Did Joel ever do human trafficking?

Does he ever accidentally get hard when we’re snuggling in bed together? 

Does Joel ever look at Dina or other girls my age and think about having sex with them? David and James and the other guy were all around Joel and Tommy’s age. Why did they want to have sex with me but Joel doesn’t? 

If I had just let David have sex with me while I was in the cage, it probably wouldn’t’ve hurt so much. It would’ve been just him. Joel wouldn’t’ve had to watch.

He’d underestimated just how much her little musings would unravel him, not the words themselves, but the level of distrust she still carried for him despite the honesty and clarity he’d tried to exude that day he broke her down on the road, and every day since then. 

Still, these were the kinds of things Joel was expecting to read. He already knew that most of her intrusive thoughts were centered around him. She’s just fixating, stewin’ in it, thinkin’ up nightmares. Thas' all, he reassured himself before continuing down the page. 

Tommy could rape me if he wanted to. 

So, maybe it wasn’t just him. It was terrible; Joel didn’t want his little girl to be feelin’ any of this, but a small, twisted part of him was glad to see his brother’s name in her book.

He knew exactly how Tommy acted with Ellie; he was loving, affectionate, and so careful—An’ if she was still havin’ these thoughts about him after a record of perfect behavior, it made Joel feel a bit better about his own conduct, like he wasn’t royally fucking this up, somehow cultivating these seeds in her mind. 

I probably wouldn’t even fight him cos I wouldn’t want to hurt him— I love him too much— That’s so fucked up—A good niece wouldn’t think things like that—Sarah probably didn’t think things like that.

Alright, this was goin’ a little deeper than just nightmare material. 

One day Joel’s gonna realize I’m not an itty bitty, sweet little baby girl like she was. I’m not sweet. I’m DIRTY, and RUINED, and RIPPED into tiny pieces, and I can’t stop having evil thoughts— And sick, disgusting, horrible dreams—And yelling at him for no reason—And I just wish I could go back to before but I can’t. I’m gonna drive him away. I would do anything he wanted to make him keep loving me— ANYTHING. 

By the time he finished reading, Joel’s chest was tight and aching, his sinuses full enough that it was causing a pressure build up behind his eyes. “Oh Ellie—”  he breathed.

“You’re mad,” she accused, her legs curling up to her belly, face still hidden. “I knew you’d be mad. You shouldn’t have told me to do this. You should’ve just left it alone.”

"I ain’t mad, baby.” He was fighting a mighty strong urge to cry if he were honest. “To know you’re thinkin’ these kinds of things about yourself, that hurts, kiddo. It hurts my heart.” His voice was deep and gruff, but he tried to keep it gentle. 

She peeked at him through her arms, then when she saw the way he was sitting, head in his hand, fingers rubbing his forehead, she sat up and dragged the blanket with her to lay in his lap. “I’m sorry.” 

“You don’t gotta be sorry— Christ. Why don’ we just—? Let’s go through these, one by one.” When she didn’t object, he cleared his throat and tried to forge a path through the emotion. “The answer to your first two questions is the same— No— I smuggled objects. Weapons, ammo, pills, food: not people.”

“That one was Dina’s fault. She asked me that and I didn’t know the answer.” 

He rubbed a firm hand over her blanket covered arm. “And your second question— Actually, the answer to the next one is the same too. Never—ever—ever— to any of it. We talked about this, honey. That ain’t what’s on my mind when I’m with you, whether we’re snugglin’ in bed or not—”

If she could only take a look inside his brain… but no, that girl would just find new things to worry herself sick over. “An’ you don’ need to worry ‘bout me lookin’ at your friends neither. I ain’t,” Joel continued. 

“Ok.” Her response was quiet— mechanical, her face still hidden. 

This wasn’t enough—It wasn’t enough just sayin’ it; he was missing something. “C’mere girl,” he sighed and tugged her up to sit properly in his lap. Ellie complied, resting her cheek on his chest as he nestled the comforter around her small frame. “Where’s this comin’ from? Is it your dreams?”

She shook her head and started picking at a loose thread on her blanket. “I just don’t understand.”

“What don’ you understand?”

“You said David was fucked up in the head, that only a sick person would do that, but it wasn’t just him. It was three of them, and there were like six guys in that room and they were all—They all wanted to—” Her breath hitched. “Why? Why did they do it? They can’t all be sick with the same thing.” 

There were seven, actually. He hadn’t had much else to do besides count the fuckers. Joel pursed his lips. That made sense. She didn’t see a tangible difference between those men and Joel, or his brother, so it was natural for her to compare, to wonder why not them?

She was too damn young for this. He was hesitant to speak; the fear of saying the wrong thing, of his words puttin’ new ideas in her head was almost paralyzing, but he could tell she needed him to have an answer, and this was the only answer he was able to give. 

He exhaled and combed his fingers through her soft auburn. “Rape ain’t always about sex, honey,” he said cautiously. She winced when he said the R word, but he kept going. “Sometimes it’s about havin’ power, or control over someone else— Now David, I think for him it was little of both, don’t you agree?” Joel was trying to keep her engaged. 

Ellie nodded, her brows creasing. “Maybe the third guy too. Cos he called me baby doll while he was…” She snuggled in closer. Anger hooked behind his naval and Joel had to fight the urge to tense, to grip her tighter; if he did, she would feel the change and internalize it. 

He didn’t personally recall that little tidbit. Must’ve been around the time he was workin’ to free himself, after they were all too filled with blood and animal lust to mind him anymore. 

“Maybe you’re right,” he said softly, “But you also said we killed their friends, at the university— I think for the majority of ‘em, that was the motivator. Not because they wanted to have sex with you, or because they had a thing for teenage girls— If David hadn’t figured out who you were, they mighta just traded with you and left you alone—But I think the reason it went the way it did was cos they wanted that power over you, to use you to get power over me: as revenge.”

She sniffled, her eyes glassy, filling with tears. She wiped them away with her pink sleeve before they had a chance to fall. “Ellie—”

“I’m not sad,” she sniffled again, digging the heels of her palms into her eyes. “I’m just… I dunno… It helps knowing that.”

“Does that help with this next part too—” Joel pointed to the spot where she mentioned his brother.

She nodded, then swallowed a fresh batch of tears. “Yeah, that helps.”

“Alright. I’m glad. Cos you know that Tommy would never— Not in a million years even dream of hurtin’ you. He’s been nothin’ less than sick about this whole thing—” 

“I know,” she whined. “It’s not even that… I don’t think he’d ever actually… It’s just that he could. Anyone could, but you or Tommy especially cos you’re around me all the time, and you’re so much bigger, and stronger, and if you changed your mind right now you could just—” Ellie huffed and hid her face again, “—And I wouldn’t even know what to do cos I love you so much.” 

Somehow they’d ended up back on him. She was breakin’ his heart with the sincerity in her tone, the fear of that ‘what if’ she just could not put down.

“Ellie sweetheart, that ain’t never gonna happen.” He petted her face with his thumb, wishin’ he had something more eloquent to say. He wasn’t very well gonna tell her he couldn’t get it up to the sight of a scared little girl; that would be too crude, and at the end of the day he could see where the fear came from, it just didn’t have any basis in reality.

Every time she told herself shit like this, her brain was legitimizing it, makin’ it that much more true. He needed to get her out of this loop.

“If you need me to tell you that every day, I will. I ain’t goin’ nowhere—And you don’t gotta do nothin’ to keep me here; I wasn’t lyin’ when I said you’re stuck with me now,” Joel soothed. “Honey, I know this world we live in is messy, but I promise, you’re still a hell of a lot cleaner than I am. You ain’t dirty, or ruined, or ripped up…” he trailed off, a knot forming in his throat as he spoke. “Don’t matter what you been through—You’re still sweet, an’ innocent, an’ good—” 

“I’m not,” she protested, pulling away a bit; then she mumbled a barely audible, “Not like she was.”

She bein’ Sarah, he assumed. “Ellie, just answer me one question, ok?” Her silence gave him the go ahead. “Do you honestly believe I woulda loved Sarah any less if she was raped?” Took a mighty effort to say that one out loud, but if this was what she needed…

She huffed again. “No.”

“Mhm,” he acknowledged. “So, why on earth would it be any different for you? —And don’ you dare say it’s cos you ain’t my daughter, cos we both know that’s bullshit.” Ellie nodded against him, the gesture almost imperceptible.

Joel rocked her a little. “Can I tell you a little somethin’ about Sarah?”

“Ok.”

“Girl was sarcastic as shit,” he said. “Oh, she was sweet, in the same way that you’re sweet when you want somethin’,” Joel jested, “But there wasn’t a whole lot she loved more than grindin’ my gears.”

Elie looked up at him, the corners of her mouth turning up in a smile. “You’re lying.”

“I ain’t,” he snorted. “Cross my heart— You wanna know what she wrote in the last birthday card she ever made for me? I’ll never forget it.” When she nodded, he continued, finding that he really did want to share it with her. “Well, for starters, it was dinosaur card, woulda been right up your alley, and it said: “’Congratulations, you ain’t a fossil… yet.’ Or somethin’ along those lines. She never got a chance to give it to me, but I found the thing in her room a few days before, and she’d written, ‘Dear Dad, Let’s see…You’re never around, you hate the music I’m into, you practically despise the movies I like, and yet somehow you still manage to be the best dad every year. How do you do that?’” 

That coaxed a giggle outta Ellie, and a tentative relief washed over him. If there was one thing he knew about his daughter, it was that once he got her laughin’, she’d be just fine. Talkin’ her down twice in one week had to be some sorta dad record. Maybe you do still got this, old man.

“That’s awesome.”

“Oh, it’s awesome, is it? You’re just sayin’ that cos you don’ know the kinds of fucked up movies she liked. You know she made me sit through not one but five of ‘em about a half-naked teenage boy vampire that sparkled in the sun? But he wasn’t even the one she liked— No— She liked the constipated lookin’ blond boy that kept tryin’ to eat the main character. Cos he was from Texas—” he drawled. 

“I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about right now,” Ellie shook her head, the comforter falling off her shoulders, but she didn’t reach for it. Joel closed the journal and set it down on the arm of the couch. “I’d show you— But hell, I don’ wanna watch ‘em again.”

She settled in his arms, and Joel didn’t want to disturb her, especially now she was calm, but he did have an idea to cement her good mood, somethin’ he’d been savin’ for a moment like this. He tapped her back so she’d sit up, and she rolled onto the couch beside him, confused. 

“I do have one thing I wanna show you,” he said. “If you’re up for it?” 

“What like a surprise?” Her face lit up again, just like that.

“Guess you could call it a surprise—Just stay here a minute— I’ll be right back.” Joel went upstairs to his closet where he pulled out the object he’d found on his last patrol, a find that made Esther raise an eyebrow at him when he’d slung it over his shoulder and carried it back to town, depositing it at home before joining Ellie over at Tommy and Maria’s.

“Woah. Is that a guitar?” Ellie asked when he came back downstairs, her eyes wide. “Wait— Are you gonna fucking sing? Oh my God Joel, you HAVE to sing something. Please, I’ll never be sad again, I swear—”

Joel chuckled. “Figured you shouldn’t be the only one barin’ your soul here…” he muttered, then sat down on the coffee table and positioned the instrument on his lap.”

“Oh my fucking God— You know we wouldn’t’ve had to do any of that talking if you’d just lead with this…” 

He was glad to hear her switch back to joking. That was a good sign; it had to be. He knew this shit had to come out one way or another; she couldn’t keep it inside forever, and maybe if they were lucky, their little conversation tonight would prevent another blow up.

“Right, but you gotta promise me you won’t laugh…”

Ellie sobered her expression, crossing her legs and putting her hands in her lap like a proper little lady. “I won’t laugh.”

“I’m trustin’ you.” Joel strummed a few familiar chords, "If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself…Everything I have found here, I’ve not found by myself…” And by the time he was done, Ellie was grinnin’ ear to ear, wide enough to rival his goddamn brother, her playful, lovey mood fully restored as she eagerly declared Future Days to be her new favorite song. Course she don' probly know more than a few songs. 

“I can teach it to you, if you want. Or I can teach you somethin’ else—”

“No, I want that one,” she cut him off. “Teach me that one first.”

Oh yeah, we’ve got this. She’s gonna be just fine. 

Chapter Text

Ellie was fucking dying. She’d taken off her t-shirt so she was just wearing the thin, black undershirt and her Brooklyn sweatpants, but Joel wouldn’t let her wear her purple shorts on the job site, or the lighter, navy sweats that said Juicy on the ass, and she couldn’t roll her sleeves up for obvious reasons.

It was getting closer to summer and around this time, mid-morning to early afternoon was when the sun was at it’s highest, beaming down on them with a face-melting intensity.

“Ellie, c’mon down here a sec!” Joel called from below. She could barely hear him over ‘Born in the U.S.A’ , which was blaring through the radio, an old machine that played a constant loop of 80s rock CDs.

They were working on fixing the roof on one of Jackson’s older, unclaimed houses. Ellie was up on a ladder installing gusset plates to the supports in what was going to be the attic, and Joel was making her wear a stupid harness on top of all her other clothes even though nobody else had to, because apparently, he didn’t trust her not to fall off the fucking thing. 

It was a small crew today, just Ellie, Joel, some young guy Zach, a middle-aged lady named Sue who was the one responsible for CD selection, and a father son duo called Big Darin and Little Darin. She sighed and wiggled off the beam she was perched on, then stepped down the ladder. “What?” Ellie snapped when she saw Joel standing at the bottom; of course he was wearing short sleeves.

Joel reached out to help unhook her harness but she shoved his hand away. “I can do it.”

“Alright— Easy now,” he drawled, then his expression softened. “Why don’ you take a break? You’ve been at it long enough—Zach brought a fresh cooler over a couple minutes ago, go stick your head in there.”

“I wouldn’t be so warm if I could wear a fucking t-shirt or shorts.” She knew it wasn’t fair to get mad at him. It wasn’t his fault she couldn’t show her arms, and she knew he was worried about her getting scrapes and splinters or worse injuries if she wore short pants. At least he let her wear sweatpants instead of jeans like everyone else. 

Joel sighed, but didn’t respond, going back to tinkering with the electric table saw. He wouldn’t argue with her while they were at work. Ellie grabbed an icy water bottle from the cooler and pressed it against her cheek, the temperature change bringing down her irritation levels. She watched Joel walk over and say something to Sue while she drank her water, then he started detaching her harness from the building.

Ellie went over to stop him. “I can go back up. I’m feeling better now— I promise I won’t be such a bitch anymore.”

He snorted. “Thas’ alright. Sue’s gonna take over on the gussets. Why don’ you go work with Little Darin for a bit; he’s attachin’ connectors to the frames for the trusses.”

“Fine,” she sighed, doing what she was told even though she didn’t like Little Darin. Nobody did, not even his own dad. He was an asshole: he had to be at least twenty-five and he still acted like a stupid teenage boy, making dumb jokes and spitting everywhere. And just cos she was feeling spiteful, she noticed again that he was grimy as shit, uglier than usual with a big hooked nose and a convex, rat-like face.

Ellie didn’t wait for him to catch her up to speed before she jumped in and started helping. She could already see what he was doing, and that he was doing it wrong. “You need to put at least three nails on the anchor strap on each side—” Ellie informed him, “—otherwise it’s not gonna be sturdy enough.”

Darin sucked through his nose, then hacked up a loogie and spat it on the ground in front of them. “Sounds like a waste of time.”

“I’ll do it then,” she said, picking up a hammer and a couple nails to go over the dickwad’s work. Ellie started by pulling out one he’d already completed.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He tried to grab the hammer back, but she dodged him. “Your connector is crooked. It has to be re-done. If Joel comes over here and looks, which he will now that I’m here, he’s gonna be annoyed, and I’m not taking the blame.”

“Hey fuck you kid—”

Ellie put the hammer down so she wouldn’t hit him with it and gripped the nails in her fists. “Don’t get your panties in a twist.” She copied Eugene’s phrase. “I’m just trying to help so we don’t get in shit from Joel; you don’t have to be such a little bitch about it—”

“Yeah, and I’m sure daddy Joel’s wishin’ she’d fuckin’ swallowed right about now—” he cut her off. 

She didn’t know what that meant, but whatever it was, it was fucking rude; Ellie snapped—She lunged forward and pushed him as hard as she could. He wasn’t expecting her to attack him, and he let out a yelp of surprise, catching himself as he fell to the ground. Before he could get up, she kneed him in the chest and planted one right between his eyes, his beak nose crunching with a sickening force under her fist.

Darin hollered out in pain, and someone else shouted something too, but she couldn’t hear what they said through the rush of blood in her ears.  

“Ellie—Jesus fucking Christ—” One of Joel’s arms wrapped around her middle as he pulled her off Little Darin, who was swearing and bleeding, and cursing her name.

She stopped kicking and crossed her arms over her chest. “He deserved it,” she spat. “I hope it fucking hurt—” Ellie started to call as Big Darin helped his son stand. The Tommy-aged man was giving him shit for ‘getting into it with a little girl,’ but she couldn’t stay to listen cos Joel dragged her away by the shoulder. “That boy do somethin’ to you?” he asked tersely, like he already knew the answer. 

“No, I just wanted him to shut his ugly, bitch-ass fucking face—”

“I need you to shut up,” he hissed and squeezed her tighter, his fingers digging into her collarbone. “You’re hurting me,” she growled and pulled away. Joel let her go, but his eyes told her to stay put as he stalked over to talk to the guys. 

When he came back, he was still wound up, but leveling down, exasperation replacing the anger in his tone as he spoke. “I’m sendin’ the kid to the clinic. You can explain to me later why you decided walkin’ away wasn’t the answer— But I ain’t gonna play favorites here, so I need you to go somewhere else for the rest of the day.”

“Fine.” Ellie grabbed her backpack and made to leave.

“Jesus girl—” Joel hooked his pointer-finger in her shirt sleeve. “That don’ mean leave without tellin’ me where the hell you’re goin’.”

“Psh. Maybe I’ll find Maria and tell her all about the fucking pussies in her town—”

Joel just glared at her; he hated that word. “Maria’s at the dam.”

“I know.” She left the challenge in her voice.

“You ain’t goin’ Outside, Ellie. Pick somewhere else.”

“I’ll go wherever I want to go,” she said, not able to resist giving him one last thing to be mad about before she took off down the street. He didn’t follow her. She wasn’t actually gonna go to the dam, and she was pretty sure he knew that, she was just pissed off. Not even at him; more at herself for losing her temper over something that wasn’t even David related; it was just Ellie being Ellie. 

Now she was putting Joel in a hard spot, him being the foreman, and being so new. She didn’t go anywhere weird. Instead she went home and showered, changed her clothes, washed the heat off her, then she ate some toast with jam. 

Just like a baby, by the time she was changed and fed she felt better, the guilt beginning to set in, an anchor sinking from her chest into her belly. Joel had been the best dad ever with her lately, well, he always kind of was, but somehow he’d stepped it up even further. He’d been so reassuring, and confident— He always knew what to say now in moments where words used to escape him. He fucking SANG for her— a song about how losing her would kill him, how she changed him into a good man. Ellie wanted to go back to the construction site and apologize.

Still, she resisted the urge. She’d already ruined his day, and she didn’t want the rest of the crew to get annoyed if he was constantly having to stop working to deal with Ellie-issues. Instead, she went to the stables to track down the next best thing: Tommy. 

He was just coming off patrol with Jesse, Jericho and Japan still tacked up inside the open area. They were supposed to go for dinner and movie night to his house after work anyways, so she figured she could follow him there, go early and help prepare food so she was still being useful. 

Jesse had taken to riding Japan so someone else didn’t get attached to him before Dina was allowed to start patrols next year, which Ellie thought was really cute. “Hey Ellie—” the boy smiled at her. “I like your shirt,” he said.

Ellie looked down. She was wearing a fresh undershirt, and the black tights Joel hated. Over top, she had on a t-shirt that said: You wanna pizza me?, with a graphic of a pizza slice on it. She’d picked it out because of the pun, but it seemed especially fitting today—What a fucking bitch, getting beat up by a fourteen-year-old girl.

“Thanks.” Ellie grinned back. 

“Oh— Hey sweetheart, what’re you doin’ here? Thought you were on site with Joel today.” Tommy clapped a hand on her shoulder from behind, then started loosening Jericho’s girth. Jesse did the same with Japan. Ellie reached up to pet Dina’s horse on the nose, his soft breaths tickling her hand. “I was. But he kicked me off and told me to go somewhere else,” she informed him dully.

“He did?” Tommy frowned. “Are you sure? That don’t really sound like him Ellie…”

She shrugged. “I deserved it. I broke Darin’s nose.”

“Are you kidding me? Which Darin? Why?” Jesse laughed.

Tommy held up a hand. “Now hold on; I’m sure it was an accident,” he cautioned. Ellie HATED how he automatically assumed the best from her. He didn’t know everything she’d done, he didn’t see—not like Joel did. He still believed she was a good girl, a good daughter and niece. Ellie heard Joel’s voice in her head—“You still are, baby.” Did he take that back now?

“Little Darin. And it wasn’t an accident. I did it with my fists.” She didn’t want to see his reaction, so she started redoing one of Japan’s button braids that was falling out. “He was saying shit.”

“Serves him right. That guy’s an asshole— He called my dad a slur at the laundry mat once just for bringing my mom some lunch,” Jesse informed them.

“That’s messed up,” Ellie agreed. “My attitude didn't help things with Joel though. Maybe he wouldn’t’ve gotten so mad if I just broke the guy’s nose, but I couldn’t keep my stupid mouth shut, as usual…” 

She snuck a peek at Tommy, who was listening to her with rapt attention, a guarded sort of grimace adorning his face, like he wasn’t sure if he should side with Ellie, or Joel, or if he was supposed to give her shit because he was one of the town’s leaders. She didn’t know what the rules were like regarding physical violence, but whatever they were or weren’t, she could assume she wasn’t allowed to go around attacking people. “What did he say to you, honey?” he asked.

He can’t be too upset if he’s still calling you nice pet names. “That’s the problem,” Ellie huffed. “I don’t know what he said— I didn’t understand it. I just know it was really fucking rude.”

“Alright—” Tommy sighed and made a come here, motion with his hand, “—out with it, girl.” She let out her breath. “He was annoyed cos I was telling him what to do and he said, ‘I’m sure daddy Joel’s wishin’ she’d fuckin’ swallowed right about now.’”  

The younger Miller winced and looked away, but Jesse let out a startled laugh. “Jeez, I woulda punched him in the face too.” 

“What does it even mean?— Tommy?” she pressed.

Tommy shook his head, his expression still one of awkward disquiet. “Nope. Nuh-uh. That there’s a daddy question. Uncle territory don’t extend that far.”

“Oh, come on.” She was getting frustrated now. “It’s not fair that you both know and I don’t.”

He rubbed a hand over his face, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nope. No can do, kiddo. I’m sorry.” 

Ugh. It has to be a sex thing. Jesse took pity on her. “Basically, he’s saying Joel probably wishes you weren’t born, like that you got swallowed instead of…” He rubbed his neck.

Warmth spread into her cheeks as understanding washed over her. “Ew!— What the fuck? Ok, now I’m even more glad I broke his fugly ass nose. I shoulda stomped on the dickhead’s face while I had the chance. Who says shit like that?” Riley— Riley totally would’ve said something like that. 

“Gimme your hand,” Tommy ignored her and held out his own, palm facing up; she complied, even though she didn’t need a medical exam. He inspected her knuckles with gentle, probing fingers. “I’m fine; I know how to throw a fucking punch.” 

The younger Miller sighed long and low. “I ain’t gonna sit here and say he didn’t deserve it. An’ I know you’ve probly gotten the run around from my brother already— Watch out for Maria on that one—But you jus’ make sure you’re listenin’ to ‘em; they have your best interests at heart...” 

She was trying to hear Tommy, but when Ellie’s brain slowed down and she processed what Jesse told her, she started thinking about that kind of sex. How at least David and his friends didn’t do that to her, the idea of having them up in her face like that, in her mouth somehow felt even more degrading. It seemed degrading even when it wasn’t forced. 

She was never-ever going to do that if she could help it. Obviously Joel didn’t do that with Ellie’s mother, but he’d probably done it with someone else… With Tess or some other woman. Does it still count as rape if you force someone to do that? Shut up. Of course it does, and Joel wouldn’t do that. But someone has probably done it to him on purpose in the past, and he probably liked it… STOP. 

Ellie wasn’t writing that one in her fucking book. When Jesse went to go get the brushes, Tommy frowned at her. “You all good?”

She shrugged. “I just wanna see Joel— So I can tell him sorry.”

He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close for a second. “Alright, well let’s get these boys turned out and then I’ll take you back to the house; I’m sure he’ll be there waitin’.”

Joel closed the site early for the day and told everyone to go home just a couple hours after he sent Ellie away. He went back to their house and found it empty, which wasn’t a surprise, but still, he’d hoped maybe Ellie had decided to cut her losses and stay at home. He showered, changed for dinner, and tried not to let panic overtake him. 

He fucking hated searching for her. He shouldn’t’ve told her to leave without a plan; he’d been out of his depth, but he shoulda thought it through, or taken her straight home so they could talk about it. He still didn’t know what that kid had said to her to make her react like that, but it hadn’t seemed like she was triggered, just mad. 

Her attitude reminded him more closely of how she’d acted way back in Bill’s town, which made him suspicious that this was just a personality trait and not a response to trauma. Joel already knew she wasn’t well-versed in the art of, ‘talking things through.’ Hell, he couldn’t blame her. He’d been his own worst enemy there, teachin’ her to kill on sight like he had. If there was an award for ‘worst communicator,’ Joel would claim that prize easy.

Course he’d been tryin’ to change, to do right by her, and he’d been doin’ an ok job—They’d had some real good talks. But he couldn’t expect her to grow up and be different overnight. She was young, her brain was still developing. It was gonna take months if not years of consistently showing her that violence wasn’t the answer to counteract the damage that had already been done. Christ, he didn’t know if that kind of commitment was even possible with the world the way it was now.

Maria was home from the dam when he arrived at his brother’s house; she was sorting through papers, the town registry if he wasn’t mistaken, papers both he and Ellie had filled out in the haze of their first few days. There was no sign of Tommy or Ellie. That gave him hope that maybe they were somewhere together. She did tend to seek out his brother as a more mild-mannered, gentler substitute for himself, especially when Joel was mad at her; he reckoned it had somethin’ to do with the similar accent. 

His sister-in-law had already heard her own version of events from Sue that afternoon, so she was ready and waiting for Joel to fill in the blanks when he arrived. When he was done explaining, she rubbed her forehead and sighed. “Alright. Let’s track that girl down.” She held the walkie up to her lips. “Tommy—You got any idea where Ellie is?”

His brother responded right away. “Yep—She’s with me— We’re on our way back—You go on and tell my brother to relax and pour himself a drink.”

Well, that was easy. Joel found he could all of a sudden breathe deeper again; he took Tommy’s advice and fixed himself a Bourbon. 

“Those two.” Maria deposited her walkie on the counter and snorted. “It’s a shame he got to her first. She probably told him her little story, pouted her lip, and got a hug and some ice cream. 

That was half what he’d been expecting too. An indignant Ellie, and his sanctimonious-as-shit brother squarin’ off with him for gettin’ pissy with her, but as was becoming more frequent an occurrence, Joel was wrong.

Ellie burst through the door and headed straight into his arms, the drink in his hand spilling onto the floor as she smothered herself in his neck. “I’m sorry for punching that asshole and messing up your day— Except I’m not really sorry for the actual punching, more cos I was a total fucking cunt to you afterwards—I love you and I promise I didn’t go Outside, I wouldn’t be that stupid—” 

“Easy girl—” Joel put the glass down on the table and hugged her back. She was gettin’ real good at manipulatin’ him to prevent him gettin’ upset, but he could usually tell when she was doing that and when she was being sincere. Both affects had the same outcome, but this apology felt real, her rambling sorrow genuine.

“Why don’ you tell your daddy what that boy said to you?” his brother prompted. There it is. Uncle Tommy just can’t resist gettin’ involved.

Joel exhaled and slumped down in one of the kitchen chairs; Ellie sat with him, on his lap. Usually, she avoided such displays of affection even in front of Tommy… but more so Maria, like she didn’t want to come off as a little kid, sorta how she’d acted with Marlene. But right now it didn’t seem to matter.

Ellie frowned and leaned in to whisper it in his ear; the words shy on her tongue as she told him what set her off. Joel experienced a brief moment of confusion. Had she been triggered? That Darin punk’s insult created both a direct and vulgar link between Joel and sex— But then she explained that she hadn’t understood the phrase until later, and it made more sense.

By the time she was done, Joel found he didn’t have the energy to scold her, her big, green, ‘don’t be mad at me,’ eyes the rust to his iron clad defenses. She clearly knew that she wasn’t supposed to hit, even if she didn’t regret it, and if he were bein’ honest, Joel couldn’t say for sure that he wouldn’t’ve done the same thing had he heard those words aimed at his kid. 

Maria rolled her eyes at his sudden pacifism. “You boys are pathetic. Ellie—Get off that man's lap and come here.” She motioned for his daughter to join her in the kitchen and Ellie obeyed, swallowing nervously. His sister-in-law placed her hands on Ellie’s shoulders. “I’m sorry Darin was rude to you; I’ll have the same talk with him. But this is a town, not a QZ, not the wild west, not Outside. We don’t maintain order by letting everyone run around delivering their own brand of justice. Do you understand that?”

She nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

“Hitting people is the first step to bigger instances of violence and it’s not allowed. Now I'm not saying you can't defend yourself, but you don’t need to use more force than what the other person is doling out. Someone is mean to you, you be mean back, I don’t care— Better yet, tell an adult so we can help, but it goes without saying that if you pull something like this again, there will be consequences.” 

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good girl. Now go wash up so you can help your Uncle Tommy make dinner.” 

The woman snorted again and shook her head with a smile as Ellie bounded up the stairs, continuing to rifle through her papers. “Hey Joel—” she said after a minute of sorting, her eyes fixed on one particular form, squinting like she wasn’t sure what she was reading. 

“Mm.” He lifted his head.

“What’s Ellie’s last name?”

“Uh— Williams, why?” he asked, getting up to grab a cloth so he could mop up his spilled drink. Tommy leaned over his wife’s shoulder to look, then he smirked. “Not according to her it ain’t.”

Joel frowned and took the form Maria offered to him. He recognized Ellie’s handwriting right away. She had a neat, uniform, military script. At the top of the page she’d written her name, only his brother was right, she hadn’t put Ellie Williams; she’d written Ellie Miller.

Oh Christ. Alright girl, you’re forgiven. 

Whether it was done of her own volition, or because that’s what she’d wanted to portray to the town at the time, Joel didn’t give two shits. Those two words stirred somethin’ inside him he hadn’t felt in a long time, a sense of finality he didn’t realize he needed. Ellie was his daughter. He was her father. They were in this together, and damn, that felt good. 

Chapter Text

Before Jackson, Ellie had never met anyone who had two living parents; not once in her whole life. Most of the people she grew up with were orphans, or abandoned. Riley had two parents for a while until her dad got infected and ripped apart her mom; then she had no parents. Among her friends now, Dina had a weird mom who acted like a teenager, Isaac had a mom who Ellie liked a lot even though he complained about her, but Jesse… He had two living, breathing biological parents all to himself, and it had always been that way.

That was probably why he acted so mature compared to the rest of them, so calm; he was actually raised the way a kid was supposed to be. Even in Jackson two parent families were rare. There were lots of families with younger kids, babies and toddlers, where both parents were still alive, but families with teenagers? Not so much. Ellie was lucky enough that even though she just had a dad —JUST! Ha! Look how spoiled you’re getting— he did the work of a thousand parents. 

Plus she had Tommy and Maria, who were like an extra set. Tommy was a bit more cautious with her; he preferred to stick to the fun stuff. Maybe he just didn’t want to step on his older brother’s toes. Ellie ADORED him, but he fit the role of what she thought an uncle was supposed to be to a T. 

His wife on the other hand… Maria said and did whatever she wanted all the time. She was honest, intelligent, and bossy as fuck. The woman reminded Ellie of the drill sergeants from school, but with an undertone of kindness, of genuine care that she’d never experienced before. Somehow, without even trying, she’d ticked every box—filled every hole that Marlene’s lifelong absence had left her with. 

It wasn’t a normal family, but nothing was missing. If anything, having all these random people in her life after having no one for so long was overwhelming.

She didn’t need anyone else. And she definitely didn’t need Joel to start dating any other woman who would try to take over Maria’s spot in her life, or Ellie’s spot in his. Where the fuck did that come from? It was because Tommy made a joke about it at dinner last night, something about one of the ladies at the library asking if Joel was single. Joel had just waved the comment off, but as usual, it got stuck in Ellie’s head. 

He already told you that marriage isn’t in the cards for him anymore— But he also said you weren’t his daughter last fall…And at the Firefly hospital he implied that he might have sex again in the future, which usually means dating someone.

Even if he did want a girlfriend, you would just have to shut your stupid fucking mouth and be nice about it because he doesn’t have to love ONLY you. He doesn’t even have to LOVE you. Ugh. How did you even start thinking about this? You can never just have normal thoughts— 

Dina elbowed her hard in the ribs. 

“Ouch—What?” Ellie glared. 

“Pass the butter,” she hissed, cocking her head toward Jesse’s mom, Robin. Warmth flooded her cheeks. “Shit—Sorry,” she said, then grabbed the saucer filled with freshly churned butter to pass across the table.

Tonight was the beginning of their first D&D campaign; the last time they’d gotten together, Jesse had walked Ellie through the drawing of the map and shown them all how to make characters. Now they were supposed to be starting the actual game, but before that, was a hearty chili dinner provided by Jesse’s parents. She’d been introduced briefly the other day, but Jesse had kept them upstairs most of the time, so she didn’t really get a chance to talk to them. 

“So Ellie—” The woman smiled. “Jesse’s told us a bit about you, and we’ve heard a few things through the grape vine— You’re from the Boston QZ right? What’s it like there?”

Ellie shrugged. “It’s… ok I guess. It’s really crowded— I was lucky cos my mom’s friend put me in a FEDRA school, so I always got fed and stuff.”

“Is that the same friend who tracked your dad down?” Robin asked.

“Mhm—Marlene. She was Tommy’s friend from a long time ago too.” More than that if Maria was to be believed. 

“It sucks she didn’t try to find him earlier,” Dina interjected. “I bet JM would’ve liked knowing you when you were little— He’s like… a really intense dad—” the girl informed Jesse’s parents.

“Yeah, I don’t know how you put up with it,” Isaac said from his spot on her other side. “I would lose my mind if my mom was even half as overprotective as he is.” 

Joel’s big condition for Ellie being allowed to go out for the evening was that their game had to be done by ten exactly because that’s when he would be arriving to pick her up. She wasn’t allowed to walk back alone that late, even if she was with Isaac and Dina for most of the way.

Isaac had been present for that lecture, and when she’d had to talk him down from making her bring her Beretta; it felt rude to take a gun over to someone’s house for dinner. 

“He’s not that bad,” Ellie said, defensiveness rising in her chest. “He’s just scared of losing me, that’s all; at least he gives a shit.” They may have their fights but they’d been through too much together for Ellie to bad mouth him to strangers. Plus, she actually liked that he was overprotective; it’s what she was used to; it made her feel safe. 

She took issue with how Isaac treated his mom sometimes. Everything Isaac complained about just seemed like normal parent stuff. Esther was a nice lady: really thoughtful. She and Joel did patrol together a lot and she knew Joel worried about Ellie’s nutrition— how long it was taking her to gain weight—so she always gave Joel little things to bring home from the farm, where she spent most of her days— Berries and fresh cow’s milk, roasted pumpkin seeds, a bag of apples. 

“That’s a good way to look at it.” Robin smiled kindly, and Ellie nodded as she dipped her bread in the chili and took a big bite. Joel warned her not to fill up on bread, that beans and meat were full of protein and would help her put on muscle, whereas the gluten-rich Jackson-bread would just make her bloated, but what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

“Have you been to the clinic yet?” Jesse’s dad asked. Eric was one of two doctors who worked in the town’s small walk-in. “It wouldn’t hurt to come in for a check up. There’s all sorts of infections and parasites you can pick up on the road.” 

Ha! Like Joel would let her get another infection with his dragon’s hoard of stolen antibiotics. “Dad—” Jesse rolled his eyes, but Dina interrupted him. “Yeah, didn’t you say you got really sick on the way here?”

“Sick with what?” Eric frowned. “Did you take some sort of medicine? Or did it go away on it’s own?” He sounded concerned. 

Everyone was looking at her, their eyes causing a spiny discomfort to prickle through her belly. She shifted in her seat, ripping a hangnail off her thumb. “It was a really bad infection. But Joel took me to see a doctor in Salt Lake City— That’s where Marlene is now.” Robin seemed to pick up on Ellie’s unease and put a hand on her husband’s leg under the table to prevent him from asking anymore questions. 

When they were done eating, Jesse and Dina washed the dishes and Ellie and Isaac dried and put them away, then they were all set to play the game. Jesse was the ‘Dungeon Master,’ which Ellie thought was a fucking weird thing for him to be called, but it just meant he was in charge of the story, and that he didn’t play a character.

Dina didn’t get very creative with hers. She was playing a human paladin who she’d dubbed Dina 2. Paladins were holy knights who crusaded in the name of good and order. But Dina didn’t pick the class because they were noble or because she gave a shit about their mission; she chose it because according to Jesse’s rule book, paladins were the only ones allowed to have a mount. Dina 2 rode a dark brown gelding called Japan and carried around a satchel full of carrots and apples to feed to the other horses they encountered along the way. 

“Are you kidding me?” Jesse sighed. “Can you at least pick a better name?”

“What’s wrong with my name?” she shot back, raising an eyebrow. 

“I’m not saying there’s anything— Nevermind.” He held up his hands in surrender. “Fine; be boring then. At least some people understood the assignment,” Jesse said as Ellie pulled out a completed, colorful rendering of her character, the stats written on the side of the page. “That’s what I’m talking about; this is the kind of enthusiasm I’m looking for—” 

Her first instinct had been to make a huge fucking orc fighter, a muscled lady with grey skin, slicked back hair, and large snaggle-teeth: someone nobody would mess with. But after a few failed attempts to sketch it, and way too many hours of thought, she decided that instead of making someone completely opposite, she should create a character who was like her, but better: a cooler version of herself— That’s how Shimmer was born. 

Shimmer was a gnome, which meant she was shorter and smaller than everyone else. But she was also a rogue, which made her skilled and stealthy. She had pointy ears, an asymmetric, edgy, tuft of pink hair, and an intricate network of scars that spanned her entire body. She wore a hooded jumpsuit with brown leather cuffs on her wrists, arms, and ankles, a leather belt and a cross body holster. 

“That’s fucking sick. I wish I could draw like you.” Isaac nodded appreciatively as he peered at the sketch and Ellie’s chest glowed warm at the praise. 

“Agreed.” Jesse checked her numbers to make sure they were correct, then asked, “Did you write a backstory?”

“Were we supposed to do that?” Dina whispered, and Jesse mimed bashing his head into the wall. “Yes. You were supposed to do that.” 

“I thought maybe she was a thief—” Ellie explained, sucking them back into the conversation, “—but that that’s how she grew up, so she didn’t know any better—Then maybe one day, a whole group of people she stole from teamed up and came after her for revenge. They killed her and cut her into a thousand pieces and took all their shit back. But maybe a sorcerer, someone who knew her when she was a little girl found her and felt bad for her— He used magic to put the pieces back together. Now she tries to be good—And whenever she forgets, all she has to do is look at her skin, and the scars remind her of what happens when she isn’t.”

“Shit,” Dina swore. “That’s deep.”

“Damn Ellie—” Jesse did a slow clap. “So, you’re going for a sort of ‘chaotic good’ alignment then?” From what Ellie understood, chaotic good was a character who didn’t necessarily follow the laws, but always tried to ‘do right by other people,’ as Joel would say. “I guess so, yeah.”

“Mine’s the opposite—” Isaac cut in, “—His name’s Kaige and he’s a dark elf warlock— And he’s chaotic evil. He had to kill his own daughter cos she got possessed by a demon, and now he’s heartless; he doesn’t care about anything anymore.” His stats paper was folded and had pencil smudges all over it.

Ellie’s insides twisted; that was sad to think about. When did you become such a baby? 

“Uh— You can do that if you want, but I don’t think playing a chaotic evil warlock with two good characters is gonna go how you think it’s gonna go,” Jesse snorted. “I don’t think Shimmer and Dina 2—” He paused to roll his eyes over the name, “—are going to put up with you torturing people and burning cities for no reason.”

“I mean, it’s not like it’s real people and real cities…” Dina trailed off. “If that’s how he wants to get his rocks off then cool: torture away.”

“Ok—But you’re supposed to be thinking like your character, and all paladins are lawful good— ” Jesse tried to explain.

Isaac just stared at the table, like he was annoyed but he didn’t want to say it, an uncomfortable tension filtering through the spaces between them. “What if you made him lawful evil?” Ellie asked, leaning over to look at his paper. “Like he’s not bad for no reason, but if you cross the line with him, he’ll fuck you up; or maybe he’s not nice to everyone, but he has a soft spot for girls that remind him of his daughter.”

Gee, I wonder where that one came from. 

“That could work,” Jesse nodded, and Isaac conceded his irritation with a shrug. “If you figure out what he looks like I can draw him for you when me and Joel come over next week,” Ellie offered. Esther and Joel had arranged a play date for them the following Wednesday at Isaac’s house. She was torn between enjoying Joel treating her like a little girl, and wishing he’d just call it dinner, or ‘hanging out.’ 

She wasn’t exactly sure why Joel had decided she needed to be closer with Isaac, but she had two guesses, and both of them were upsetting to think about. Isaac was nice. She liked him, but he was a bit weird—like he didn’t process things the way other people did; he got upset a lot. There was an anger inside him— something bad that had happened recently, judging by his pseudo-panic attack on the lake trip. 

It was possible that Joel thought Ellie and Isaac were the same in that way, like he wouldn’t be bothered by her brand of strangeness if she wasn’t bothered by his. Maybe Joel thought the more time she spent with Dina and Jesse, the higher the chance they’d notice how fucked up she was and stop wanting to be her friend. 

That was the not-so-bad option. At least if that was the case, he was doing it to protect her—to stop her getting hurt, even if it meant that Joel thought there was something wrong with her, or that she wouldn’t be a good friend. 

There was also a chance that Joel was pushing her toward Isaac not as a friend, but as a boyfriend, and that option was a million times worse.

He might’ve seen her and Dina cuddling in the bed when Dina slept over and thought… Even though it totally wasn’t like that… It was an accident, and Dina wasn’t even… But he wouldn’t be wrong to suspect that Ellie was like that, and maybe he had a problem with it. 

He’d seemed fine with Bill being gay, back in Boston, so she’d just assumed he wouldn’t care, but maybe it’s different when it’s your daughter…and Sarah had liked boys. Ellie knew that because he’d mentioned she had a crush on some vampire dude in a movie.

It was just one more thing that made Ellie different, one more thing that made her not as good— No. That’s not true. You need to have more faith in him. He loves you more than anything else in the world; he won’t care. He just thinks Jesse and Dina are gonna drop you. 

“Ellie, we should go get some snacks,” Dina said out of nowhere, and Ellie got the impression the request wasn’t optional. Jesse frowned at his girlfriend, but didn’t object as Dina grabbed her sleeve and pulled her into the kitchen.

“Hey— Are you good? You seem kind of spaced out,” the girl said as they disappeared out of sight, her lips turning down with concern. Fuck. You’re such an idiot, Ellie. You can’t even have one fun night with your friends… Joel’s right, they’re all gonna get tired of your crap— “It’s ok if you’re not. I mean if you wanna do this some other time I can kick up a fuss with Jesse or something.” Dina shrugged.

Ellie was both touched and embarrassed by the gesture; she swallowed to prevent the heat from climbing up her throat. “Um—I’m ok, thanks though. Sometimes I just think about things too much. But I actually do wanna play.”

“Ok… If you’re sure,” she agreed. “But if you change your mind just like, find a way to let me know—fix your ponytail or something.”

“Is there something wrong with my ponytail?” Ellie reached back to touch it, but Dina just shook her head and laughed. “I meant as a signal, so I know it’s time to end the game— I’m totally willing to go full-scale bitch mode for you.” 

“Are you sure this is about me at all?” she teased. Dina both cringed and sighed at the same time, her voice dropping even lower. “I just don’t know how to pretend like you do—It’s not real… And he’s sooo into it I don’t get it—” 

“Ok, relax.” Ellie put her hands on the other girl’s shoulders. “Here’s what we’re gonna do— Everything Isaac’s character does, you’re just gonna do the opposite. If he says he wants to attack people, you roll to keep them safe, or if he wants to steal from someone, you could like, give them some of our rations. Jesse will just think you’re doing what he asked, thinking like your character.”

“Won’t that just piss off Isaac?”

“No, because we have to roll to see what we’re allowed to do anyways, so it’s not like he’ll never get his way.”

“You really think that’ll work?” she asked.

“I’m positive. Now c’mon Dina 2, let’s go before they catch us plotting—” Ellie was the one who had to drag her friend back into the room this time, and when they sat down, Jesse paused and looked toward Isaac with furrowed brows. “They said they were getting snacks, right?”

Isaac nodded.

“Oops! We forgot.” Dina snorted into Ellie’s shoulder. She couldn’t help but laugh along with her; poor Jesse looked so confused. Screw what Joel thinks. Dina was just as weird as Ellie, the only difference was she was better at hiding it.

Chapter Text

“Stop—” Ellie whined, “—Please, you’re hurting me.” She tried to wriggle away, but the body on top of her was too strong, his denim-clad hips pinning her in place. There was a familiar, worn-out couch beneath her, and Ellie’s pants were on the floor, her underwear threatening to move to one side every time he thrust his clothed hardness between her legs.

A large hand caressed her belly, then up—up—up— till he was palming her breast under her shirt; he pinched her nipple and Ellie let out a gutted cry, “Ouch—Ow—Don’t fucking touch me!”

“I’m so goddamn sorry, sweetheart—” he whispered in her ear, then rolled his hips harder against her centre. “Jus’ relax— I’m almost there—”

“No—Stop— Please stop— Please Joel help—” Ellie tried to roll away; she wanted Joel—She wanted her dad. Where was he? Why wasn’t he stopping this?

“Ellie, hold still.” Maria came into the living room from the kitchen, hands on her hips, the commanding tone slicing through her. “Be a good girl and let your Uncle Tommy finish— It won’t be long now—Just look at him.” She let out a stunted laugh. “Pathetic.”

Tommy’s face broke apart as he thrust against her underwear again and he let out a slurred groan. “Ellie baby—Unhh—” 

Ellie woke up silent this time; she didn’t scream, didn’t move. Her eyes flew open and she stared at the ceiling, sucking in deep breaths to try and bring down her heart rate. Her chest hurt and she brought her hands up to feel the change, her breasts rock hard and throbbing painfully— like the dream had left her sore. The strange new sensation made her belly ache, and the way her nipples rubbed against her nightgown all of a sudden only made the empty nausea worse.  

She rolled over. Joel was still asleep; usually he woke up when Ellie had a nightmare, but if she wasn’t screaming and thrashing around, then of course he wouldn’t know— Still, she wished he was awake with her. Ellie reached out and walked her fingers across his chest just to make sure he was breathing, then she flattened her hand over his heart so she could feel that beating too, a habit she hadn’t quite gotten over after the winter.

Joel would never let Tommy do that to you. Tommy wouldn’t even want to do it in the first place; he has a wife—And Maria wouldn’t find it funny at all. She definitely wouldn’t laugh. 

It was disturbing how realistic it was though— maybe because she still felt a weight pressing down on her lower belly, or because her tender chest wasn’t going away the longer she stayed awake. Joel didn’t even stir as she poked and prodded at him; by now he was used to Ellie touching him in his sleep. It sounded weird when she said it like that, but it wasn’t— She just liked to make sure he was alive and she did it so often that it no longer registered as enough of a concern to alert his subconscious. 

The clock on the nightstand read 04:27, which meant it was pretty much morning. It was Wednesday; they would be working out on the construction site today, then after that, they’d have just enough time to come home and change before going over to Isaac’s house for supper. 

It was rare for Ellie and Joel to eat dinner at home just the two of them; most evenings were spent at Tommy and Maria’s. That wasn’t necessarily Joel’s choice, but he put up with it because the couple liked having what they called ‘family time,’ and because Ellie basked in the attention like a monitor in the sun.

She was both relieved and guilty that they weren’t having family time tonight, because that meant she wouldn’t have to face Tommy; she didn’t want to have to look at him and think about his hands under her shirt… the weird noises he made when he… Shut up— Tommy NEVER touched you, it was David. Go back to sleep.

She twisted around in the blankets, pulling her knees up to try and stretch out the cramping in her abdomen. It wasn't the same exploding pain from when she had the UTI, no it was more like someone was digging inside her with a blunt knife. She blocked it out in hopes that the sick feeling would go away on its own, but it only seemed to get worse the longer she laid there.

Ellie tried rolling onto her back, then her side again, then she moved her pillow to the end of the bed near Joel’s calves and tried to fall asleep there, but nothing was working. She resisted the urge to kick at the headboard, to put her feet all over Joel, or lay her head on his chest or his legs. All those things were guaranteed to wake him up and she shouldn’t do that just because she couldn’t fall asleep—it was selfish. He’d been complaining about a strain in his shoulder yesterday and things like that didn’t heal without proper rest.

The last time she glanced at the clock it read 05:16, and when she opened her eyes next, it was to the sound of the shower running in the bathroom down the hall. Her head was still at the end of the bed, the blankets wrapped around her body like a cocoon. Ellie let out a groan; her elbow was lodged between the comforter and her right breast, and when she moved it, it stung and spread. She buried her face in the pillow.

Joel came back into the bedroom dressed for the day in his jeans and t-shirt, the lingering smell of soap on his skin as he smoothed her hair back and kissed her head with his scratchy beard. “Mornin’, wiggle worm. Looks like you were all over the place last night.” 

Ellie grumbled something unintelligible in response.

He must’ve slept good cos he was relaxed and happy, that was the only time he made up silly animal nicknames for her: snuggle bunny, cuddle bug, chickie pie, wiggle worm. Normally, she liked it, but today it made her belly hurt even more. 

“Alright, what’s wrong with my little girl?” Joel coaxed, sitting down on the bed beside her—And oh she wanted to be his little girl so badly— But HOW when she couldn’t erase the feeling of David’s lips and tongue all over her, sucking on her chest—

“Are you grumpy cos you gotta work with Darin again today? Cos I ain’t lookin’ to break up another one of your fights—”

“No,” she growled.

“Hmm. Is is because you’re worried about the heat?”

She shook her head.

“You don’ wanna wear the harness?” he guessed again. 

“I’m not grumpy about anything,” Ellie snapped. 

“Oh, you ain’t?” He raised an eyebrow. “Well, in that case, you won’t mind provin’ it to me—” Joel hooked his fingers behind her knees and before Ellie knew it she was giggling and laughing, thrashing around in his grasp—the weird feeling still present but getting easier to ignore. “Stoppppp—Joel!” she squealed. “I hate you— I hate you—I hate you!”

“You don’ hate me no more than you hate a good egg sandwich girl—Now get dressed before we’re too late for breakfast, cos then you’re gonna be real grumpy.” 

“Fine,” Ellie rolled off the bed and gave a dramatic sigh, then went to find a pair of appropriate work clothes. She settled on a plain undershirt in grey instead of black— if she wore anything else she’d just end up taking it off anyways, and her Brooklyn sweatpants which were now permanently stained and thinning at the knees. She also grabbed one of the kiddie bras Joel picked out for her in Salt Lake City— NOT the one with the cat on it; this one was blue with a flower pattern along the seams. 

While she was in the bathroom, Ellie looked at herself with her shirt off just to see if she noticed any difference; her breasts were firmer than usual, but there wasn’t anything wrong with them, no weird lumps or sores. Maybe they were just hurting cos they were growing, though that didn’t explain the squeezing tension inside her belly, or the sudden, kneading ache in her back, a little lower than when she had her kidney infection.

The pain wasn’t bad enough that she couldn’t work, just annoying because the physical sensations kept reminding her of things she didn’t want to think about, things that could mess up both of their days if she wasn’t careful— and Joel was in SUCH a good mood, it would be a shame to ruin it. That’s why she grabbed the bra. Maybe the presence of a barrier between her chest and her shirt would prevent the discomfort from spreading down.

If she didn’t feel better by tonight, she’d tell Joel and see what he said. 

He made her an egg sandwich for breakfast, but it ended up being more like egg toast because she took the top piece of bread off and gave it to him instead. She wasn’t all that hungry— That if anything made him frown. He didn’t like to see her refusing food. 

Ellie was on her best behavior at the site; she avoided Darin like the plague, and the combination of the heat and busy work distracted her from the weird sensitivity in her chest; the bra helped with that too.

With that irritation gone, she forgot to think about her dream or anything else disturbing for a few hours, but she still felt crampy and sore. Every now and then, the twisting in her guts would merge with the heat and tiredness, and she would gag like she was gonna throw up, but if she sat down and drank some water that part went away.

I wonder if Joel stole any pain meds from the Firefly hospital— Or maybe the clinic here has some… Joel’s gonna freak out if I tell him I’m in pain— Maybe I should find a way to distract him and track down Maria instead…

The only thing that made her feel better was the hot shower she took after work. At first she tried to have a cold one, to rinse the sweat off, but that only served to tighten her stomach muscles. The heat loosened them, and it masked the discomfort for a nice, long while; in fact she took so long that Joel started banging on the bathroom door to hurry her up. “Jesus girl— What’re you doin’ in there?”

“Nothing! I’m almost done!” she shouted back. Ellie changed again into her purple shorts and one of her cozy sweatshirts, but she left off the bra this time. It was too tight, and though it did help, it also left red lines on her skin in the spots where the seams were. She would have to think about getting a new one from the donation hall.

“All set?” he asked as she came down the stairs.

“Can you do my hair in a braid before we go?” she asked, shaking out the wet strands. 

Joel let out an exasperated sigh, but he was smiling. He sat down on the arm of the couch to wait for her, and she fiddled with the ponytail as he worked his fingers through her thick auburn. Getting her hair braided was one of Ellie’s favorite things, like he was filling some sort of deep seated need that she’d been carrying around since she was a little girl.

She remembered the first time he’d done it for her to cheer her up in that weird old house, just before she broke down, shoved him, and screamed at him to fuck off. The first instance of what was becoming a typical Ellie reaction to stress.

Hey—you didn’t freak out this morning— Joel doesn’t even know you had a nightmare—And you’re totally handling shit today. 

“There we go—” he said when he was finished, then he crossed an arm over her body to draw her in for a hug, “—All done.” He’d been so affectionate all day and she wanted to snuggle deeper, but his forearm was putting pressure on her chest and she had to turn her body away to hide the automatic wince. On a normal day she probably wouldn’t have even noticed the placement of his arm.

Isaac’s house was smaller than Joel and Ellie’s even though it had the same number of bedrooms, but it wasn’t small, most of the houses in this area were a decent size.

Esther answered the door with a smile, and Joel put his arm around Ellie’s shoulders in a tight, reassuring embrace as the woman let them in; it felt nice, like they were one person instead of two.

There was something delicious cooking on the stove, it looked like spaghetti, only she’d never had spaghetti before so she couldn’t say for sure. When Isaac came downstairs, he was in his pajamas, a pair of blue and green plaid bottoms and a black graphic tee; he looked more relaxed than Ellie had ever seen him.

“Honey, can you check on that?” Esther motioned for her son to look at the food.

“It’s done,” Isaac said, putting the lid back on and switching the burner off. “Hi Ellie.”

“Hi,” she said back, then she turned to Esther. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“Oh, you’re very welcome— Listen to how polite she is Isaac. I knew there were teenagers out there still capable of manners—” Esther commented, moving over to the stove to tend to things. 

“Don’ let her fool you,” Joel smirked, jostling Ellie a bit. “She’s just playin’ shy.” 

“Am not!”

“Right—You’re nothin’ but an innocent little angel all the time, ain’t ya?” She liked when he joked around with her like this. Even though he’d told her a bunch of times that she was innocent, and sweet, and good, and all those nice things— It was funny when he dropped the serious act and played around.

“Mhm,” she hummed. “Like that girl in the Curly Sue movie me and Tommy watched.”

“The little criminal?” He raised an eyebrow.

Isaac snorted. “I heard from Jesse that you broke that Darin guy’s nose on the construction site last week.”

“Isaac—” Esther warned, but Ellie just rolled her eyes. “He totally deserved it, and what kind of fucking pussy gets beat up by a fourteen-year-old girl anyways?” she laughed. 

Joel cringed and let out his breath in a sigh. “Now see this is more like it…” he trailed off.

It turned out that Ellie liked spaghetti, though anything with pasta always filled her up fast, and today she wasn’t very hungry to begin with. Joel had been eying her the whole time they ate, and when she pushed her plate away, he took it and sectioned off another small portion that supposedly could be eaten in, “three more bites.” 

She did what he told her, mostly because she wanted to be good in front of Esther; she wanted to come off as respectful and not a total brat, but by the time she was done, Ellie was full and bloated on top of the twisting bellyache she already had. She flat out refused dessert much to Isaac’s chagrin; instead, she convinced him it was a better idea for them to get a jump start on drawing his D&D character: Kaige.

Ellie brought the sketch book out and laid on her belly next to him on his bed. She propped herself up on her elbows to stretch her lower back, and sighed with pent up frustration when she couldn’t get her tail-bone to crack. 

“Are you ok?” Isaac asked, pulling out his own piece of paper with a description on it.

“Yeah— I just don’t feel that good today. But I’m fine.” She started flipping through her drawing book to get to a clean page, but Isaac stopped her. “Can I see?” he asked. She slowed down to show him some of her other sketches. There were lots of Joel—Joel playing guitar, sitting on the porch, Tommy and Joel sitting together, a torso shot of Maria and her horse Scout, but there were also a couple more rough sketches of Dina, a couple practice drawings of Sarah’s face, and one she’d started of Riley, but hadn’t finished yet.

“Who’s that?” he asked, pointing to the Sarah attempts. Ellie frowned; it wasn’t that she didn’t trust Isaac, but his mom was Joel’s friend, and she didn’t want him to pass along any information Joel wasn’t comfortable with her knowing. 

Dina knew to keep it to herself, and as far as Ellie was aware, she hadn’t told Renata or anyone else, of course it was possible someone had already spilled the beans on that one, Eugene, or Tommy even. “Just some girl I used to know,” she lied. “This is my best friend though.” Ellie distracted him by going to the next page. “Riley—the one who got infected in Boston. I’m trying to draw her from memory, but it’s hard not to forget people’s faces after they’ve been gone for so long…”

Riley would’ve eaten Isaac for dinner. He would’ve disliked her brash sense of humor, how her insults were meant as compliments, and the way she took jokes way the fuck too far, all things Ellie both hated at the time, and would kill to get back now they were gone. 

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he muttered, then he offered her his paper. “This is what I want him to look like.” He changed the subject. It was just a series of adjectives: tall, cape, pointy ears, long hair, sharp jawline— And so on and so forth.

Ellie’s insides squeezed again as she shifted positions, sitting on the floor and leaning against the bed while she started to do the base outline. Isaac sat on the mattress so he could look over her shoulder and make corrections as she went. 

She was about half way through, when all of a sudden, the tension in her belly reached a high point, and Ellie felt a gush of warm liquid trickle out of her from between her legs, a sensation that was disgustingly familiar. Oh God— Ellie’s hand froze as she heard the echo of her own shivery, stuttering voice in the back of her mind, “M—My legs are all wet—I can’t—I need—It feels gross—” 

Holy shit. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she said mechanically, setting the drawing book down on the floor with slow deliberate movements. She didn’t know how the fuck she was supposed to stand up without getting whatever it was all over her shorts— What the fuck? DID she have another infection? Was that why she didn’t feel good? 

But it felt worse than when she got sick— Like that horrible, stomach-churning, nightmarish sensation of David and James’ leftovers sliding down her legs, the thick goopy substance discolored, tinged pink with her blood.

“Oh ok—” Isaac said, looking at her funny. “It’s just the first door on the left.”

Somehow Ellie managed to make it to Isaac’s bathroom before the panic set in— She yanked her shorts down and had to bite her sweater sleeve to keep from crying out as she realized her underwear were soaked through with bright, red blood, a crimson trail running down her thighs, down her legs, getting on the floor—getting everywhere— Ellie touched between her legs to see if it hurt—it didn’t— and when she pulled away her hand was covered in red too, then her cheeks as she wiped away the onslaught of heat fueled tears.

She sank to the floor and took deep, gasping breaths. Holy shit. This is bad. What do I do? What the fuck do I do? 

Joel was glad to note that Esther was perfectly willing to stick to comfortable, easy small talk as Ellie and Isaac escaped upstairs to work on their Dungeons and Dragons shit— Talkin’ about Jackson, talkin’ about their kids, exchanging helpful hints. He was a little worried about Ellie and he said as much; it wasn’t like her not to clean her plate, and she’d been acting off all day, ever since he woke up and found her sleepin’ next to his goddamn feet— Course he left that part out. Esther had been around the block enough times to know it wasn’t an appropriate or accepted parenting strategy for a dad to co-sleep with his almost-fifteen- year-old daughter.

“I know it’s hard to get out of that emergency, survival brain, but kids do get sick every now and then— Maybe she’s just getting a little bug. You did say she looked a bit pale at work today.” Esther talked him down. 

“Yeah, you’re probly right. We’ve jus’ had a few close calls her an’ I— Hate seein’ her out of sorts.” 

“Must’ve been tough—” she allowed, “—getting to know her as a daughter out on the road like that. There’s not a whole lot of time for bonding, but somehow you’re never closer…” she trailed off. “Eat together, sleep together, kill together, rinse and repeat—” Esther’s face changed into a sad sort of smile. 

“It was somethin’ else, that’s for sure,” he agreed. “But Ellie’s real talkative; that girl don’t shut up. I think we covered every goddamn planet in the solar system, every pun in existence, and all of American history for the past hundred years just in the first two weeks alone.”

“Did you ever hesitate?” she asked him then. “When you found out you had a teenage daughter out of the blue like that? I can’t even imagine.”

Joel snorted. It was all bullshit anyways, so he’d best at least try to make it good bullshit. If Joel the smuggler in Boston found out he had a kid with some random one night stand, what would he’ve done? First off, that never woulda happened; he’d always been too careful, but he knew the answer all the same.

“No— Not for a second. This whole daddy thing seems to be the one thing I’m actually good at 'sides killin’, one of the only things a guy like me's good for these days; wouldn’t pass that up for nothin’.”

It was true. Bein’ Sarah’s dad and now Ellie’s were the happiest parts of his life, the only parts that mattered, everything else was just fallout from or build up to that. “—Ellie sure gets a kick out of it. She hasn’t had much in the way of love in her life.”

The woman opened her mouth to say something else, but they were interrupted by the appearance of Isaac in the living room. The boy stood awkwardly in the corner by the sofa, fidgeting with his hands. “Um, Mr. Miller?” he said.

Joel frowned. “What is it, son?”

“Ellie got up to go to the bathroom like half an hour ago, and she was in there for ages, so I knocked to see if she was ok, but I think something's wrong. She sounds upset and she says she needs you to go in there with her.” 

“In the bathroom?” Joel clarified and Isaac nodded. “Yeah…” he trailed off, rocking back and forth on his heels. 

“Uh— Alright.” His frown deepened and he held out a cautionary hand. “I’ll jus’ go check on her.” Was she havin’ some kind of panic attack? Maybe the kid said something that got her upset and she went into hiding to work through it… That seemed like somethin’ she’d do. He knew she was sick and tired of blowin’ up at people. 

“Ellie, it’s me—” Joel knocked on the bathroom door, but didn’t wait for an answer before he let himself in and—

Oh.

OH.

You’re in way over your goddamn head, old man. He had to pause to collect himself as he took in the scene.

Way back when he was eighteen-years-old, livin’ with Erin in their one bedroom apartment in Riverside, Erin’s Mama had taken to comin’ round whenever she needed a couch to crash on, spendin’ her days drinkin’ herself into a stupor and dispensing unsolicited parenting advice to the young couple. One thing he remembered that woman sayin’ that actually made sense, was this: “Joel honey, if that little baby bumps her head, and you start cryin’, she’s gonna start cryin’ too. If you don’t react, she’s gonna see you ain’t worried and think everything’s jus’ fine.” 

He thought about that now as Ellie was curled up on the floor in Esther’s bathroom naked from the waist down, her purple shorts tossed to one side, her underwear to the other. The place was covered in blood— she was covered in blood—her legs, her hands, her face, the pale yellow of her underwear, the floor— She was staring blankly ahead of her, the sticky remnants of tears on her cheeks, but she was no longer crying.

Joel gathered his composure. C'mon— Focus up—You know how to handle this— She ain’t hurt—Just spooked, that’s all. “Looks like we’ve got ourselves a bit of a sitchiation here, don’t we little lady?” He forced his voice to go smooth. 

“There’s blood everywhere,” she whispered in a daze, her eyes glassy, staring at nothing.

“Yeah, I can see that.” He shut the door behind him and knelt down, keeping his tone real gentle; her hands were shaking. 

Fucking hell. It wasn’t like this with Sarah. He remembered gettin’ a call from Tommy in the middle of the day, his brother’s voice one of awkward panic as the twenty-five year old fumbled through a description of what Sarah had told him, “Girl says she’s bleedin’ out of her…you know where—Kid needs a change of clothes and some supplies I think…Shit, I don’t know what she needs…Can you jus’ come get her?” 

Sarah was embarrassed, Tommy was mortified, and Joel had a few moments to prepare for what to say on the drive to the nearest CVS so that by the time he got there, he was steady as a rock, gave her the little box, read her the instructions pamphlet, and she took care of the rest.

“Joel—”

“It’s gonna be ok, baby girl. I’m here.” 

“I’m all wet—” Ellie choked. “My legs are all wet.” 

Joel’s heart constricted painfully when she spoke, her words giving him a window into what was goin’ through her mind. He just needed to explain it to her, bring her back to reality. “Yep. That’s alright. This ain’t nothin’ to worry about, honey. Ain’t nothin’ to be afraid of—Actually, it’s good— real good. Just means your body’s finally gettin’ enough nutrients.” 

She sucked in a trembling breath. “I felt weird today. I should’ve told you.”

Joel picked up her underwear off the tile and put them on top of the toilet, he didn’t have a change of clothes for her, so they were gonna have to make due with the soiled garment for the time being. “Don’t matter now, kiddo. Let’s get you cleaned up and we’ll go on home. We'll get you comfy and have a movie night— jus’ you an’ me. How does that sound?”

She nodded.

He was gonna have to find something to wipe her down with, and somethin’ to tide her over so he could pay a visit to Maria to grab whatever she had over at their place. Joel took a peek in the bathroom drawers, but he didn’t find nothin’ that looked the part. It was at that moment that Esther knocked on the door. “Everything ok in there? Is there something I can help with?”

Joel squeezed Ellie’s bare knee and pursed his lips in what he hoped was a reassuring way. “I’ll be right back.”

Esther was alone in the hallway, her face one of confusion and concern. “Is she ok? Did she get sick?”

He motioned for the woman to follow him a few meters away from the door so that Ellie wouldn’t hear what they were saying, then Joel rubbed the back of his neck and winced. “She got her period—” he explained in a hushed tone, “—Never had it before, she’s been half starved her whole life, an’ the girl’s a little sensitive when it comes to…What I'm tryin' to say is this don’t bring back the best memories for her…” He was stumbling over his words, but he didn’t know how else to describe it without tellin’ the woman everything; he’d already said too much.

She sucked on the inside of her cheeks. “Oh jeez—Is there anything I can do? I can try to give her a hand if you’d like— Or I can leave you to it if you think you can manage—”

He rubbed both hands over his face. “I’m jus’ gonna take her home. But I need her to get cleaned up first. Do you have a rag towel or somethin’ you don’ care if it gets wrecked? An’ some... supplies? I didn’t see none in that bathroom.”

“There’s some in mine, I’ll grab that.” She nodded and turned to go, but he touched her elbow to keep her there another minute. “Listen— I know beggers can’t be choosers, but she ain’t gonna like nothin’ she’s gotta put up inside—That’s probly gonna make things a whole lot worse…” Joel couldn’t begin to imagine trying to navigate using a tampon with Ellie right now, it would probly be easier to just let her bleed it out all the way home, so he prayed Esther was well stocked.

The woman put her hand on Joel’s arm and gave him a firm squeeze. “Don’t you worry. We’ll get her sorted out.”

Goddammit, did you really jus’ say you were good at this? 

Chapter Text

Riley would’ve teased the shit out of Ellie for having a fucking panic attack over getting her period like they didn’t used to stick maxi pads on the walls of the school cafeteria to be funny—And oh man, would she have made fun of her for crying about it, for making Joel help her get cleaned up like she was a toddler who made a mess and not an almost fifteen-year-old girl bleeding out of her…Ugh. 

Really, she’d find this whole situation so amusing, some random smuggler adopting her and becoming her dad. Ellie fawning over him and bending herself over backwards trying to be a good daughter instead of the awkward, needy, hot-headed orphan she used to be— acting like a little kid when by Ellie’s age, Riley was already stalking Marlene around the city trying to get in with the Fireflies.

“Only you, Ellie—” She could hear the girl’s smug sigh now. 

Whatever. 

Yeah, her best friend had it rough; they all did. Kids didn’t get to be kids nowadays outside of the snug little fantasy land that was Jackson, but Riley was never raped. She never knew what it was like to have all her power, all her choices taken away in a single instant, to be exposed like that in a room full of people, the person she cared about most in the world forced to watch them degrade her in the most fucked-up, painful, humiliating, way…

Joel had been right, back when it first happened. It wasn’t just something you could forget about by not thinking about it. She hadn’t wanted to believe him then; she’d been too far in denial.

Now Ellie understood what he meant when he implied that it was worse than what happened to Henry and Sam, worse than dying… It wasn’t, not really. But the fact that she had to carry the memory around all the time, making normal things like getting her fucking period two years too late feel like the end of the world—That part sometimes made her envy their friends in Pittsburgh. 

“Who’s this now?” Joel sat down beside her on the couch, frowning at her nearly finished drawing. She’d finally gotten the face right after several botched attempts. 

“Riley,” Ellie answered, then she opened her hand and passed him the worn-out dog tag that hung off her fingers. The metal was starting to rust from all the times it had gotten wet on their cross-country trip. He studied the circular pendant with furrowed brows and read the name on the back. “I didn’t know Riley was a Firefly. I thought you two went to school together.”

“We did—” she clarified. “—but she was older than me; she was about to turn sixteen and when you turn sixteen it’s either become a soldier or go out into the QZ and do what? Starve in some alley? Be a prostitute? Kill people and take their shit like you and Tess?”

Joel snorted. “So, was that your plan then? Join the Fireflies?”

Ellie shrugged. “I tried. Marlene told me no. She said it was too dangerous, but she didn’t give a shit about Riley so… She didn’t even want me hanging out with Riley; she tried to send her away—And the bitch went too—” she let out a harsh laugh. “—for six weeks— Just disappeared and left me thinking she was fucking dead.”

“I see.” She could tell by his lingering frown that he definitely didn't see. Ellie switched her hostile tone back to one of nostalgia, letting out a sad sigh. “She came back just to tell me Marlene was sending her out of the city, and we’d probably never see each other again, but I asked her not to go— And she fucking listened for once; she said I was the only one who could convince her to stay. We were gonna run away together…” 

“So, what happened?” he prompted. He didn’t make any mention of how stupid an idea that was; he must’ve figured she already knew by now.

“The fucking Liberty Garden mall. That’s what happened.”

“What in the hell were you doin’ all the way over there?” Joel rubbed a hand over his face; he looked stressed out just thinking about it. 

“Hey! Don’t look at me like that— It was her idea. She always made me go with her to that mall to do weird shit; she had this old man friend who lived there, Winston— I think I told you about him while you were dying.”

“I remember. The guy who taught you to ride a horse.”

“Mhm, he’s dead now too.” Ellie said, then she blew out her breath. “Anyways, that’s where we got bit. She started to turn, I didn’t; Marlene found us and shot her in the head.” 

Joel snuggled Ellie into his side and she let him, undeterred by the knowledge that Riley would ridicule her for it. He was her dad now. He could do whatever he wanted and it would be a big fat lie to say she didn’t crave his affection. If she could, she’d fold his arms into a box and store them away in a vault for later when he was gone. 

She’d always had a softer, more malleable heart than her Firefly friend. And in a way, Riley had done the same thing with her in that mall that Joel did the first time they came to Jackson. She’d picked her, she’d wanted her, and that alone had earned both of them Ellie’s undying devotion.

“Wish I coulda met your friend Riley; she sounds real interesting,” Joel mused, petting her arm with his fingertips. 

Ellie giggled at his sweet attempt to comfort her, and wiggled deeper into his embrace. “No you don’t, trust me. If you think I’m bad, she was like fifty-thousand times worse, and she wouldn’t have liked you at all. She would NOT have put up with all your macho bullshit like I did—But she probly would’ve liked Tess.”

He sighed. “Yeah well, I’m sure I woulda gotten used to her—woulda tried anyways. Don’t matter who you wanna be with. Long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Umm… Yeah, I don’t think we’re talking about Riley anymore. He’s totally turning this into a weird coming out thing. Maybe you should’ve stopped before the whole ‘we were gonna run away together’ part. Fuck—But at least he doesn’t care. You were stupid to worry about it. 

“Oh,” Ellie said, because she didn’t know what the appropriate response to that was. “Ok.” Now, please—please—please change the subject. This week’s already been embarrassing enough. 

“You sure you’re gonna be ok with Maria this afternoon?” he asked, and Ellie breathed a sigh of relief. That was one thing she loved about Joel; if something didn’t need to be elaborated on, he usually left it alone. 

“I’m fine— I told you, I just freaked out for no reason. It’s not that bad; the cramps are even starting to go away.” That wasn't entirely true, but she didn't want him to worry. 

“Ellie, it wasn’t for no reason…”

“Yes. I KNOW, she said, her voice rising in pitch. “I just don’t wanna talk about it right now.” Today was a Joel-patrol day, so they weren’t working at the construction site. Plus Joel was still too freaked out about Ellie exploding blood everywhere in Esther’s bathroom to let her go back to work, especially after she confessed that she’d been in pain. 

Turns out they only had some pain medication in Jackson, which they used sparingly for bigger procedures or emergency surgeries, and Joel hadn’t stolen anything like that from Salt Lake. He said he didn’t want them to get too dependent on pain relief as a luxury just to have it taken away the moment they ran out of pills. 

“Alright. Fair enough. Why don’ you give me that little sketch and I’ll find a nice frame for it? We can hang it up somewheres.”

“Like on the wall?”

“Why not? Place don’t need all these pictures of cows an’ horses an’ shit. Plus, it’s kind of a thing, parents hangin’ their kids artwork up. Thas’ why Tommy wanted you to draw him somethin’ when we first got here.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that. Thanks dad,” she grinned, mostly to be funny, but it felt nice to say it all the same.

Him and Tommy were scheduled to do the Hoback Pass route this afternoon. They didn’t normally go together because of Ellie, but Joel was starting to relax a bit, and today just so happened to be a day Maria was free after lunch. 

She ran upstairs to change her pad, and when she came back down, the couple was outside talking to Joel on the porch. When Ellie joined them, Tommy held out his arm and she leaned in for a side hug. “Hey there, baby doll.” 

Ellie tensed. “Don’t call me that.” The response was automatic, like she didn’t even realize she’d spoken till the words were out of her mouth.

He didn’t react other than to give her one slow, affirmative nod. “O—kay.” 

Instead of pulling away, she smushed her face in Tommy’s shoulder and he shifted to accommodate.

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

“Nope— Don’ be. Thas’ what I told you to do.” There was an awkward pause. Everyone knew she didn’t like being the center of attention in a group, so they were all trying extra hard not to stare, and somehow that just made it worse.

They were probably all thinking about it, imagining how such an innocent nickname could be used in a bad way, picturing her naked and crying… What Ellie really wanted was to detach herself from the younger Miller and go back in the house so she could keep cuddling with Joel.

It was in these moments she started to notice the texture of her shirt rubbing against her nipples, the twisting in her belly that combined with a deeper sense of disquiet. Ellie crossed her arms over her chest. “Aww—Don’t do that baby doll. I ain’t done lookin’.”

She didn’t tell Joel yet that she’d had a nightmare about Tommy; she didn’t want to. It was gross, and it didn’t change the way she felt about him, but she was still in the phase where her brain saw him and tried to send her similar images. It was better to just fight through it; that’s what she’d done with Joel and she didn’t really worry about him wanting to fuck her anymore.

Though that also could’ve been due to the multiple, very direct conversations they’d had about it.

“Ellie, why don’t we let these boys go early? That way they’ve got some time to go over their map,” Maria suggested. Ellie looked to Joel for confirmation and he frowned, eying her warily, like he was worried she was about to freak the fuck out. “Yeah—Ok,” she agreed.

“Alright, well— I’ll catch you later, sweetheart.” Tommy smiled and ruffled her hair. He was back to using pet names he knew were safe, but despite his reassurances, Ellie felt guilty. He was just trying to be nice, to be sweet with her, and baby doll was so close to baby girl, he probably didn’t think there would be anything wrong with it. 

Joel tugged her close and kissed her head before he left and she fought the childish urge to cling onto his hand. He was the only one who already knew, the only one who understood…Maybe you should try thinking more like Riley sometimes. Spending the afternoon with Maria isn’t gonna fucking kill you. You’re just emotional because of your period or something. Grow up. 

When they were gone and it was just her and Maria, Ellie felt the compulsion to explain herself, like being sent to the principal’s office, except the older woman wasn’t demanding any sort of explanation, and it was all in her head. “I’m sorry for getting mad at Tommy.”

The corners of Maria’s mouth turned down. “You didn’t get mad at Tommy, Ellie. You set a boundary. That’s good. It’s what he wants you to do.” 

“Oh.”

“Do you need to get anything done today? Or do you just wanna go back to the house?”

“Um— I know it’s not open right now, but can you take me to the donation hall? I need a bra. Joel tried picking some out for me at the Firefly hospital but they don’t fit, and I think I’ve already maxed him out on dealing with teenage girl puberty problems this week…I mean he would if I asked, but I feel bad…” She was talking fast. 

“Aw—Yeah he told me what happened,” Maria tsked, shooting her a pitying look as they headed down the porch. “This is a hard part of your life to make it through without a mom. Trust me, I know.” Ellie didn’t need clarification to know the woman was telling the truth. She wasn’t sure how it had happened, but Maria’s mom had died when she was a little girl, pre-outbreak. 

“I would’ve been fine if it wasn’t for… If everything didn’t remind me of… It’s so fucking frustrating,” she huffed. Why are you even saying anything? Nobody wants to have a casual conversation about this. 

“I can imagine. Are there any other names you don’t like? If you tell me, I can let Tommy know for next time.”

“No, just that one,” she said quietly, staring at her feet as they walked. “And I dunno… It might change. Sometimes I get used to things, especially when Tommy does them. Like I didn’t like being touched by well—anyone who wasn't Joel... Then he started hugging me all the time and I was fine, and I didn’t like the word daddy at first, but now I like it when Tommy calls Joel that cos I know it’s just his accent and he doesn’t mean it in a weird way.” Verbal diarrhea much. 

“He never means anything in a weird way,” Maria smiled. “He’s just excited; he hasn’t seen Joel like this in a long time. I’m sure you know that the smuggler he left in Boston isn’t the same Joel who showed up here in the spring, or even before that in the fall. So, I think for him, he’s getting to know you, but through you, he’s also getting to know his brother again.”

Ellie didn’t know what possessed her to say what she said next. Maybe because it was already on her mind, or because her mouth had a mind of it’s own, and Maria seemed like the entirely wrong person to admit this to, but she said, “I had a nightmare about Tommy a couple days ago, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

The woman slowed, but Ellie commended her for the fact that she kept walking, a neutral, careful sort of expression forming on her face. Good job, Ellie. You basically just told her you had a sex dream about her husband. But it wasn’t a sex dream… It was so much worse… 

“Tommy did tell me that Joel told him, that you were having nightmares like that. About people you love hurting you.” 

Ugh. Joel told Tommy that? Don’t be mad at him. He needs to talk to someone, and you literally ASKED Tommy to bring it up with him. Ellie sighed. There was a warm lump rising in her throat. The heat blocking her ability to speak, which was probably a good thing considering she was saying all the wrong things today.

Judging by her calm affect, the worst Maria was gonna do would be to change the subject, or maybe jump right into reassuring her that it was never gonna happen, like Joel did, but the woman surprised her. “Something like that happened to me once,” she said.

Ellie choked on her own saliva. “What? Really?”

“Mhm.” She stuffed her hands in her back pockets. “I was a bit older than you, maybe sixteen or seventeen; it was before the outbreak, and I was dating this guy who was a good chunk older than me, and let’s just say he wasn’t so nice as your Uncle Tommy is— Anyways, we got into a fight, I don’t even remember what it was about now, and it turned physical—”

“Like he hit you?” Ellie frowned. 

“Something like that,” Maria nodded. “And the next day, my dad started in on me about chores, or cleaning my room, or something silly like that— and he raised his voice. Ellie I panicked, flinched, cowered away from him, the whole nine yards— And the look on his face— I’m sure I don’t have to explain it to you, but it was like I’d punched him in the gut.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I know what you mean.” Ellie kicked the ground with the toes of her sneakers as a distraction. “What did your dad do?”

“Oh, he did what all dads do, good ones anyways. He hugged me and cried, then raged, then held me again, and threatened that boy’s life— then he made me call the police, the law enforcement in our city, to make a report. We didn’t have the convenience of killing our enemies consequence free back then.” 

They’d arrived at the clothing donation building and Maria unlocked the place with one of at least fifty keys on her silver key ring, then she flipped on the florescent lights and let Ellie in. “Thanks.”

“I think that’s a pretty normal reaction, and I think it'll go away with time. You don't need to read too much into things like that, or feel ashamed by it. Our minds are always making connections— Tommy touches you, and maybe it’s innocent, but of course there's gonna be a part of your subconscious brain that says it’s bad, he calls you the same name as one of your attackers, that’s an even bigger connection. It makes sense.”

“Joel says my brain’s just wired wrong, from what they did.”

Maria put a hand on her shoulder. “I'm not gonna say he's wrong, but I think the important thing to remember with that, is that you can unwire it. You’ve just gotta change that internal dialogue, stop those thoughts in their tracks and remember that me, and your dad, and Tommy—we all love you; there’s nothing you can say that’ll change that.”

Ellie had to swallow to stop herself from bursting into tears. That was a really nice thing to say. She turned her attention to the task at hand. 

There were racks and racks of bras, most of which Ellie was pretty sure would never fit her, not even as a full grown adult, but Maria must’ve seen her eyes go wide, because she started picking through the hangers at the front of the line. Ellie joined her on that end and let out a snort. “This is like the ones Joel got for me,” she said, pointing to a pink, frilly kids’ bra with a unicorn on the strap. 

“Somehow, I’m not surprised,” she laughed. “How about something like this?” Maria pulled a plain black sports bra off the hanger and passed it to her. The material was thin and stretchy, like the bathing suit bottoms Joel picked out for her. “It's good.” 

“Perfect. How about this?” The woman handed her another. It was a grey cotton material and had two separate triangles for the boobs instead of a singular sports bra style band. 

Ellie nodded.

“Alright. Now you show those to Joel and tell him that’s the kind you like. Sometimes we’ve gotta be real clear with our men, otherwise they get all hung up on the wrong things, right?"

"Right," she agreed.

Maybe Ellie really did just need to practice being more honest. Today at least, it had worked out pretty well for her. 

Chapter Text

“Hey Ellie—  Can you c’mere a minute sweetheart? I need you to grab the end of this here bench—” Tommy called. “Isaac, you wanna give Eugene a hand with that other one—”

Ellie pulled Isaac’s sleeve to get him to follow her. They were helping Tommy, Maria, Eugene, and Brian set up for the start-of-summer bonfire happening tonight. She was roped into it by default because Joel was out with Esther on patrol in Teton County for the afternoon. Unlike Ellie, Isaac was allowed to roam around town and do whatever he wanted when his mom was away, but he still chose to hang out with her even though he was a bit intimidated by Tommy and Maria, but then again, so was Dina. 

Maria she could understand, but Tommy wasn’t even close to scary— Of course he did act a little more strict, or maybe the word was formal, with kids who weren’t Ellie.

She grabbed the other end of the wide log, easily ten feet long, molded into the shape of a bench, and helped Tommy lift it over to the large, communal fire pit in the center of town. Eugene and Isaac did the same with the other one, except the boy was a bit of a pussy and it looked like Eugene was doing most of the work. They helped move a few more benches, then the adults went to go fiddle with the barbecues, and Ellie and Isaac sat down.

The pair had an unspoken agreement that acted as a tether between them. She’d seen him freak out, he saw her freak out, and neither of them talked about it. If Joel’s intention had been for them to bond over being fucked up, it worked.

Still, he was fucking impossible. “I’m just saying I think you should give your mom a break. She loves you— I bet all she wants to do when you’re being a jerk is pick you up and snuggle you like she did when you were a baby. That’s how Joel is anyways, except I guess he didn't get to do that when I was a baby...”

He rolled his eyes. “She’s been pretty clear about the fact that she doesn’t like who I am now. It’s not the same as you and Joel. We can’t just… It would be weird for us to…” Isaac’s face slipped into a frustrated glare.

He always talked about now versus before, but never talked about what it was that separated the two. Ellie guessed it had something to do with his dad dying, but he wouldn’t say. She was lucky in that regard. Joel had never acted like she was less than, or not-as-good as she used to be after what happened in Colorado. If anything— and even though she didn’t like to think of it this way—they were closer because of it. She was positive that Esther didn’t mean to come off that way to her son, but that’s definitely how Isaac felt.

“Try it, I’m serious. Next time she’s mad, just like… wrap your arms around her and tell her you love her— that you’re sorry, then sit back and watch how fast she forgives you. Or I mean… you could just try doing the things she asks you to do in the first place…” Ellie trailed off. “Cleaning up your own mess in the kitchen and painting the fence or whatever isn’t that big a deal when she does everything else for you…” 

Yeah, maybe she was being a bit of a hypocrite. There was a strange sort of pride in being defiant, in getting Joel riled up, but she only did it to feel something, not to be a brat. And Ellie helped out enough around the house; he always cooked, but she did the washing up, and laundry, and scrubbing the bathroom and shit. It was a semi-even division of labor that worked out slightly in her favor. 

“Shut up,” he groaned. “Now you’re starting to sound like her.” 

“Well, that just confirms she’s right,” Ellie teased, kicking him lightly with her foot to signal that she was being playful. He was a person who needed those signals.

“We can’t all be daddy’s perfect little princess,” Isaac shot back. 

“Fuck off— I’m not a princess.” She kicked him harder. “And I’m not perfect. I’m a bitch to Joel all the time, but he’s my dad. And she’s your mom; she has to love you, even if she doesn’t like you.”

That may be true for Isaac, but you’re sure cocky for a girl who was unwanted by both the people who brought her into this world. And once again might I remind you that Joel doesn’t HAVE to do anything. 

“Can we stop talking about this now?” 

Ellie didn’t need to give an answer; their conversation was cut short by someone yelling at them from across the main square. “Ellie! Isaac! I need some muscle over here!” It was Maria this time and she was standing next to a stack of folding tables. “Chop chop!” She clapped her hands. 

“We’d better go— now. Your mom’s an angel when she’s mad compared to that woman,” she nodded towards Maria. Isaac huffed and dragged his feet, but followed after her again all the same. 

By the time six o’clock rolled around, the party was in full swing, the bonfire humongous and blazing hot, a beacon in the middle of town drawing the townspeople in like little moths toward the light. There were people manning the barbecues now, country music playing through a pair of double wide speakers, and kids running around squirting each other with colorful water guns that put the ones Riley stole for her to shame.

Joel still hadn’t returned from patrol, and that left a small, niggling worry in the back of her brain, but when she asked Tommy about it, he reassured her that Teton County was a long route and always took a little extra time if they ran into infected, and that he’d be back soon.

He didn’t seem anxious about it, and when Ellie left again to join her friends, he stayed to socialize with the other grown ups instead of disappearing or whispering in secret like there was something bad he didn’t want her to know about. 

Him and Maria were doing that cute thing where she wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, her lips pressed to his shoulder; he had one hand laid over hers, and the other nursing his bourbon. It used to make her uncomfortable, their displays of affection, but now she couldn’t help but stare, to fixate on how happy they were, on how much they loved each other. 

“Earth to Ellie—” Dina waved a hand in front of her face. “I’ve never met anyone who daydreams as much as you do,” she commented. “What were you thinking about?”

“Tommy and Maria,” Ellie shrugged. “They’re kind of adorable.”

“I guess.” Dina frowned. “They’d be even more adorable if they didn’t schedule Japan to go out with Brian the other day. That guy’s too big to ride him, he might crush his back, or he could sway and twist something in his leg. If he breaks a bone, he could go lame, then he wouldn’t be able to patrol anymore and they might decide to put him down—” 

“Hey—Give Japan some credit.” She put a hand on the girl’s arm to stop her paranoid speculation. “I’m sure he’s stronger than you think. You’re gonna hurt the poor guy’s pride.”

Her friend just scowled at her.

“Nevermind—Ok—” Ellie backtracked. “Don’t get your panties in a twist. I’ll…I don’t know—mention it to Maria or something.”

“Thank you,” Dina said with enough emphasis for her to know that was the answer the girl was looking for from the start. 

“Where’d Jesse and Isaac go?” she asked then, suddenly realizing their group was two members short.

“You’re joking right? They went to roast sausages. Jesse asked how many you wanted… You said you weren’t hungry… Does any of this ring a bell?” 

“Uh…” The short answer was no. 

“It was whole conversation.” 

Ellie shook her head. “Sorry. It’s just that Joel’s not back from patrol yet and it’s getting late.”

“Oh.” Her friend’s eyes widened with a sudden understanding, then they darkened with amusement. “Who’s he out with?”

“Esther.”

“You know, it’s kinda cute how he’s obsessed with where you are all the time, but you’re just as obsessed with where he is— Don’t worry. It’s not like he’s out with Tara or Mike. Esther’s actually capable; I’m sure they’re just running late.” 

There was a commotion from around the fire pit, a muted thud and then a disgruntled shout, and both girls looked up to see what was going on. Tommy had detached himself from Maria and was leaning over someone, offering an arm, “Alright, easy now,” he drawled. “Get on up.” 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Dina groaned and that’s when Ellie realized that it was Renata bracing her weight on Tommy’s side, a baby deer standing on wobbly legs.

“Thank you, cowboy—” the woman slurred. “They don’t make men like this where I’m from— Maria you’d better count yourself lucky.” The younger Miller appeared to be ignoring what she said, making awkward eye-contact with his wife.

Dina looked ready to pull her hair out. “I swear to God sometimes I just wanna—It’s not even 7PM.”

Ellie didn’t know what to say to that. She couldn’t even picture what she’d do if Joel got drunk and caused a scene because something like that would never happen. He was too strict, too careful, always controlled. Maybe she was just naïve, but she didn’t even notice a difference in him when he was drinking versus when he was sober. 

“She’s probably gonna need help,” her friend sighed, looking at Ellie with an apologetic frown. 

“I’ll come with you,” she offered, and Dina winced, but conceded with a nod. 

Both Jesse and Eugene stepped in to help at the same time Ellie and Dina arrived to the spot by the fire, but Dina waved Jesse away. “Ellie said she’ll come with me.”

“Are you sure?” he asked in a hushed tone.

“Yes. I’m fine,” her friend whispered back, and Ellie looked away as Jesse placed a chaste kiss on his girlfriend’s forehead. 

“Now honey— You should probly let someone else take care’a your Mama,” Tommy started, but Renata leaned her head back and lost her balance again so he was forced to catch her. “You can take care of me anytime you want!” she cackled, but she wasn’t talking to her daughter.

Tommy rubbed his forehead and tried to put more distance between them, even though she was still leaning on him for support.

“Jesus Christ, woman,” Eugene growled, then he cocked his head to the side. “Let’s go Dinasaur. We’ll get her home and be back in a flash.”

“I’m coming too,” Ellie insisted, and Tommy shot her a wary frown. “Sweetheart, I don’t think my brother’s gonna want—”

“—Well then your brother can come here and tell me that himself,” she cut him off with a glare. “I’m going.”

“Alright. Fine.” He held up his hands in surrender. “Do what you want.” This was the closest to irritated she’d seen him get with her and she was half expecting Maria to jump in and say something stern, but the woman just shook her head and gave her husband a ‘leave it alone,’ sort of glance. 

Eugene offered his arm to Renata. The woman resisted and tried to keep hold of Tommy’s bicep, but he passed her over with enough force that she stumbled into the older man’s grasp. “It’s always the old fuckers, isn’t it?” she asked to no one, and Eugene didn’t even dignify her comment with a response.

“Mom, please. Can you just—?” Dina pleaded, taking hold of Renata’s other arm to try and pull her along. 

“Are you embarrassed of me baby?” The woman baited as they walked. “I gave you all this—” she gestured around them, “—put food on the table, clothes on your back, and you’re ‘mbarrassed of me? All I’m doing is trying’ta find you a dad—Like little Ellie, she’s got a good daddy…Ellie is your daddy lookin’ for a friend?”

“Mom!” Dina was getting angry now.

“It’s ok,” Ellie mouthed, but her friend looked miserable.

“Wouldn’t be an’issue if your daddy didn’t get that other bitch pregnant and get himself killed—Just for once it’d be nice to be the wife and not some cheap fuckin’ bed warmer—”

“Best you leave those girls outta this,” Eugene reproached quietly. “Yer past is yer own problem—not yer daughter’s.”

Dina’s house was in one of Jackson’s older neighborhoods. A two bedroom bungalow with the kitchen and living room separated by a wall instead of open concept. It was decorated nicely, plants spilling over from all the shelves, cupboards, and windows. Ellie knew that when Renata was sober and acting normal, she tended to them religiously, along with the large flower garden in the front yard. All her flowers were 'grown from seed,' which was a point of pride for the woman.

On the front step was a ceramic statue of a little girl in a blue dress holding a toad; Ellie remembered from the couple times she’d visited previously that they kept an extra house key under there.

Eugene grunted from the effort of dragging Renata through the front door of the house. “Alright. Here we are,” he said. “Time to sleep it off.” 

But when he made to lower the woman onto the couch, Dina took over. “I’m gonna bring her to bed. I don’t want her to puke all over the carpet. There’s hardwood in her room.” 

Eugene pursed his lips at Dina and Ellie recognized the pitying expression. She was familiar with that particular look. Ellie didn’t know how else to help, so while Dina was both directing and arguing with her mother, Ellie searched the cupboards until she found the clean glasses and a large empty mixing bowl, then filled one of the glasses from the sink and brought it and the bowl into the bedroom down the hall.

When she set the water on the nightstand next to Renata’s bed, Dina looked up and sighed. “Thanks, Ellie.” 

Renata moaned and blinked up at her daughter. “Tali baby— Is that you?”

“No mom. It’s Dina,” her friend said, and for such an outlandish statement, Ellie noticed that Dina didn’t really react to being called her sister’s name. 

“Dina? No—She’s just a baby…”

It seemed to take a long time for Renata to stop mumbling and pass out, but when she did, Ellie and Dina joined Eugene on the porch steps together, listening to the hoedown music and voices from the party nearby. “You can sleep over tonight if you want. Joel won’t care,” Ellie offered— if he didn’t get killed on patrol, her mind finished for her. 

The girl hesitated. “I should probly come back and make sure she’s ok after the bonfire…”

“She’ll be just fine,” Eugene said, his tone slightly stricter than normal. “Yer better off stayin’ the night with Ellie and her dad. If the woman can drink like a fish, she can deal with wakin’ up like one too.”

After a few long moments of silence, Eugene cleared his throat and stood up. “You girls gonna walk back with me, or catch up in a bit?”

“We’ll catch up in a bit,” Ellie said, getting the sense that Dina needed a bit more time to decompress. As they watched him walk away, the other girl blew out her breath and leaned her head on Ellie’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I hate these stupid events; that’s the only time she really drinks now.”

“Does she always talk to you like that?” she asked, keeping her tone cautious.

Dina shrugged. “No. She’s usually good, just annoying about some things. But I guess it’s almost worse that way, like when she’s drunk is the only time she’s honest. She used to be like… in the trade… if you know what I mean—” Dina paused and Ellie nodded that she understood. “That’s where she met my dad; he got her pregnant and then nine months later…” She shrugged again and sat up. “He never even wanted to meet me before he died.” 

“I’m sorry. That really sucks; I get it.”

“How do you get it?” her friend snorted. “As soon as Joel found out you existed he instantly became super-dad. I wish at least one of them cared about me even half as much as that.” She wasn’t trying to be rude, Ellie could tell her friend was just tired, embarrassed, lonely… 

Dina was always fishing for people to relate to— She started half her sentences with, “I bet…” and made assumptions from there based on her own life, and Ellie understood the appeal. Joel’s go to comfort strategy was forcing Ellie to talk about her feelings and then wiping her tears and snuggling the sadness away, which was a good option, not one she was going to employ with Dina right now, but good nonetheless. 

But Maria had opened her eyes to another option the other day when she’d told her that story about her boyfriend before the outbreak. Something Ellie only realized was a strategy after the fact, but had worked the same if not better. Maria had made Ellie believe that her feelings were normal and that the woman understood what she was going through. 

It was something Ellie had already unwittingly done once with Isaac, the day of the lake trip when she’d told him about Riley. Dina did it with her too the night she slept over when Ellie got upset about being called little. The impulse to share, to be completely honest, was almost never present in the forefront of her brain, but this wasn’t an impulse, it was a slow, deliberate, calculated move.

She stretched her legs out in front of her and stared at the ground. “Can I tell you a secret?” Ellie asked.

Dina looked at her and frowned. “Yeah.”

“But you can’t tell anyone— I’m serious. Not even Jesse. The only other person in Jackson who knows this is Joel and I don’t want that to change.”

“I won’t tell anyone. I promise,” she said, and Ellie could already see the gears turning in the other girl’s head.

She found the next part easier to get out knowing that Dina would understand, that it might make her friend feel less alone in her own situation. “Joel’s not actually my dad,” she said, the words tasting foreign on her tongue. She’d spent so long trying to convince everyone otherwise that now admitting the opposite felt wrong.

“What?” Dina hissed, the shock and confusion clear in her eyes. "This isn't some joke Ellie..."

"I'm telling the truth," she said, doubling down. “I lied to you, and to everyone else when we got here. My father was a nobody, some asshole soldier who kidnapped my mom from the triage center where she worked and raped her; that’s how I was born.” She was making a real effort to keep her emotions out of it. 

“Oh my God. That's awful... Wait— So, who the hell is Joel?” 

“He was a smuggler I met in Boston about a year ago; that part is true. My mom’s friend Marlene hired him and his partner Tess to bring me to Salt Lake City. But Tess died just after we left the QZ, and then it was just me and him. When I said he’s not my dad, I meant biologically— He’s my dad in every other way that’s important. He’s the best dad I could’ve ever asked for, but he’s not the one who made me.”

“Holy shit. I’m gonna accuse you of not getting things more often so you’ll tell me all your secrets... So, the guy just what? Adopted you?”

“Pretty much. It took a long time for him to see me like that, because of his first daughter, but now…” She didn’t know how to finish that sentence. “Tommy and Maria know he’s not my biological dad. Tommy never would’ve bought our lie, but they don’t know the part about who my actual father was… what he did. I don’t know if he’s still alive, but even if he was, I wouldn’t want anything to do with him.”

“No doubt,” Dina said. “Wow…mad respect for JM.”

“Yeah, he’s awesome. But I’m more just trying to say that I do get it. It sucks not being wanted, but only you get to decide who your family is— And it doesn’t have to be the people that share your blood.”

Her friend smiled and leaned her head on Ellie’s shoulder again for a second. “I see what you did there. Thanks for telling me.”

She nudged Dina’s thigh with her hand. “Should we go back to the bonfire now?”

“We’d better before Jesse and Isaac eat all the sausages.” 

Ellie hoped Joel was back from his patrol by now; she could use a dad hug.

Chapter Text

Pluto dipped into the creek and Joel allowed himself be jostled, shielding his face from the glare of the sun so he could scout up ahead. Esther followed behind on Cowgirl, but the mare balked at the water, so she was forced to go around. 

They’d left a little late that afternoon; Joel had been ready to start searching for the woman after he’d gotten the grey gelding tacked up, moved onto the paint mare, then still had nothing left to do but stand around. Esther showed up disgruntled at least forty-five minutes past three, which was when they were supposed to leave.

She was quiet, so he assumed she was on the heels of another fight with that boy of hers. Isaac was goin’ through a rough patch, much like Ellie, but the kid seemed to take it out on his mother more often than Ellie took her anger out on Joel. Maybe it had somethin’ to do with his and Ellie’s relationship being so new. 

His girl was still insecure. Her outbursts were usually followed by a quick and desperate apology, or if she was feeling too indignant, an unspoken agreement to forget whatever it was they were fighting about. The fear of him stayin’ mad, or not loving her as much as Sarah seemed to still play a factor in her decision making… That was his best guess anyways. Could be any number of things. 

Could just be the fact that Isaac was a teenage boy and Ellie wasn’t. Boys needed male role models in a different way than girls did. Little girls needed their daddies to be examples of how men should treat ‘em— course he didn’t know exactly how that applied to Ellie, who wanted nothin’ to do with men in the first place— but she seemed to find a use for him all the same.

Boys on the other hand, needed someone to look up to, someone to imitate, and with his dad passed on, Joel was sure Isaac felt that instinctual pressure to be the man of the house, something if Ellie was to be believed, he was pushing back on quite a bit. Leaving everything up to his mom, refusing to help out. Maybe there was a part of him that felt like if he rejected that role altogether, it meant his dad wasn’t really gone.

He’d met plenty of people who’d been forced to kill infected loved ones over the years, Henry and Sam being the most recent example—But a child forced to kill their parent while they were still a child was a particular brand of hell he’d never encountered before. 

It was complicated shit, and Joel would stick with his girls, thank you very much. Tough as Ellie was, and Sarah before her, all they really wanted was to feel safe, loved, protected—listened to. He knew how to kiss away tears, braid hair, and talk about feelings… well— he was gettin’ better at the feelings bit. 

What he didn’t know how to do was bring up a boy with an attitude problem. He didn’t have any advice. Seemed like kind of a crap shoot whether they turned into good men or assholes. Just lookin’ at him and Tommy spoke volumes— raised under the same roof and everything. Not that their parents had much to do with Joel after him and Erin got into trouble; maybe that was the difference.

None of that stuff mattered now anyways. What mattered in this moment was finishing this damn patrol and getting back in time to sit by the bonfire with Ellie. Wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if he could get this woman to smile while he was at it. 

Esther sighed as Cowgirl balked yet again, this time at a fallen log, but instead of leading the horse around, the woman yanked on the reigns, elbows bowed, compelling the animal backwards. Joel could see her next move before she made it, and he cleared his throat. “You sure you wanna do that?” he asked.

She snorted and ignored him. Joel knew better than to get in the way of a woman on a mission, so he rode Pluto in a circle to change paths and waited for her to be done provin’ her point. Esther jerked Cowgirl forward again, and spurred her on as they near the log. Without warning, the horse halted, digging her hooves into the ground, and her rider was thrown from the seat. Esther’s foot smacked off the log as she fell, her ankle twisting too far to the right. 

“For fuck's sake,” Esther groaned as she landed on her ass. Joel was already swingin’ his leg over Pluto’s back when she hit the ground. “Woah now—” he settled the pacing mare, moving her a safe distance to stand next to his own horse before extending a hand toward the muttering woman on the grass.

“Can nobody just do what I need them to today?” she asked, more to herself than to him, but she took his arm anyways and stood up.

He didn’t say anything about the failed attempt. It was best not to. That mare was never gonna listen to her if she kept at the tough love approach, but he could tell this wasn’t about the horse, not really. “That ankle ok?” he asked gruffly, and she nodded, but he watched her wince and clench her teeth when she tried to put weight down on it.

Joel braced a firm hand under her elbow, then with eye contact permission, he rested the other one in the middle of her back to help get her situated. “Right… Well— Why don’t we take a little break?” he suggested, slipping into his Ellie tone, the one he used when his daughter was on the edge of a fit. There was a house not far from here where they could sit down and take a look at the damage. Esther leaned into his side and hung her head. “Yeah, fine.”

She rode pillion on the back of his saddle, reminiscent of his recent cross country trek, while he tugged Cowgirl along beside them. By the time he finished tying the horses up in the front yard of what used to be a white picket fence home, Esther was stretching and rolling her ankle on the porch, practicing putting weight on it. “It’s not so bad,” she said.

“Mind if I—?” he nodded that he wanted to have a look.

“Let’s go inside for a bit,” she said, and he followed her. They weren’t far off from the third checkpoint on this route. The house was spacious and absent of any signs of infected, no spores, no squishy, placenta-like clusters of fungi in the walls. The worst Joel encountered during his sweep was a little bit of dust and a pile of broke glass in the kitchen.

Esther was sitting on the couch when he came back down, and she rolled up her pant-leg as he approached. He squatted to have a look, prodding the bone with his fingers in a way that was clinical, serious, kind of like he’d done with Ellie’s bruised ribs after… Would you quit thinkin’ about Ellie? This was the third time in half an hour he’d made a direct mental comparison, and something told him that wasn’t entirely appropriate for this situation.

“Don’t seem like you broke nothin’— Probly just twisted,” he said, taking the spot next to her on the couch.

She smirked and nodded; of course she already knew that. She was just humoring him— because she ain’t a fourteen-year-old child. She was a full grown woman and this wasn’t her first rodeo. He needed to learn how to switch off the dad-mode every once in a while. Esther rubbed her hands over her face and groaned. “I should’ve bailed on you today, traded with Brian or something. I’m sorry. My head’s not on straight.”

“You wanna talk about it?” he offered, stretching back on the couch, and at first it looked like she was going to say no, her face dismissive, but he saw the reconsideration in her eyes, then defeat as she slumped against the arm. “How do you do it?" she asked, sounding worn-out. "How do you have such a good relationship with Ellie? I mean she’s obviously not ok—No offense—But you just— I can’t even get a civil word out of my kid if he isn’t asking for something.”

Joel sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “I don’ know. We talk… a lot. About everything; there ain’t nothin’ off limits between her an’ I—But I don’t put down a whole lot of rules or boundaries neither. Ellie pretty much does what Ellie wants, but most of the time what she wants is to be good, so she don’t push back as much as she could.”

“Well that doesn’t help,” Esther commented. “If Isaac did what he wanted all the time, he’d be living with Robin and Eric and I’d be lucky to get a hello in the street. “I’ve tried talking to him about what happened, and I try to talk to him about his dad, even just in normal conversation, but it’s like shouting at a brick wall.”

“Yeah, Ellie had a phase like that,” he said, contemplating how much was necessary for him to share in order to get his point across. “Somethin’ real bad happened to her a few months back, and she shut down for a while. She was leanin’ real hard into the denial, but we broke through it and she’s a lot more open now.” Esther likely already knew the ‘bad thing’ he was referring to—Wasn’t hard to guess considering the world they lived in, Ellie’s age, and the little incident over at her house, but at least this way he wasn’t outright betraying his daughter’s trust.

“I figured it was something like that." She frowned. "What did you do to break her out of it?” Joel had an unwelcome flashback of Ellie screaming, “Do you feel better knowing that I dream about you raping me every night!?” in his face. 

“Probly the wrong thing,” he snorted. “I pushed her pretty damn hard. Gave her no choice but to talk to me— But the difference is, we were on the road; she couldn’t just up and leave and go somewhere else.” 

When he phrased it like that, it gave him a twinge of parental guilt. Joel had most definitely forced himself into the role of Ellie's sole confidant. He would bet anything that all of this dependency she was experiencing now, the sleeping in his bed, the constant hugging and snuggling, the separation anxiety, was caused by him throwing her over the edge with no other safety net. He’d been tryin’ to do right by her, but there wasn’t a map for this kind of thing. Most of parenting was just wingin’ it and hoping you don’t fuck ‘em up.

“It just sucks the life right out of you,” Esther said, the lines on her face deepening. “Like I can’t even begin to process because how could I ever consider trying to move on or be happy while he’s still so broken?” She made a good effort keepin’ her voice steady, but he heard it quaver near the end.

“Tcht. I know.” He wasn’t lying. Ellie’s pain weighed on Joel’s mind every minute of every day. When he was with her, while they slept, when he was alone, or while he was on patrol; it was always there. Her suffering was his suffering, and that’s how he knew there was no tangible difference between her and Sarah in his heart.

They sat in companionable silence for long moments, then Joel cleared his throat. “It’s gettin’ late. We should think about headin’ out—” he said, standing up. He offered an arm out to Esther again and she took it, but when she was upright, she didn’t take a step back. Instead, she hovered close, her chin inches from his chest, the rhythm of their breathing the only sound between them. “Or we could go upstairs,” the woman suggested, and Joel felt the first spider web crack form in the windshield of his control. 

“Esther—” he warned. “You’re a great lady, but I ain’t really in the place to— My mind is focused on other things right now—” He respected the hell out of her, and he didn’t want to come off as rude or dismissive, but Ellie was still in a place where she needed one hundred percent of his attention, and he wouldn’t withhold that from her. 

“Nothing serious. Just a bit of stress relief…” she continued, her tone casual as she ran a hand up his chest, delicate fingers settling between his shoulder and collarbone. “Don’t tell me you couldn't use that too.”

He exhaled and smiled wearily. “You really think you’re in the right head space for this right now, woman?” Joel wasn't quite convinced, but then she leaned in and whispered, “Can nobody just do what I need them to today?” repeating her earlier protestation, and his control shattered. She clearly needed an outlet, and it would be lyin’ to say he didn't want to— It was true he was getting old, but he wasn’t sexless yet. 

Everything about Esther was comfortable. She didn’t push the limits. She was soft, and warm, and so—human. The scars and stretch marks on her belly and on her chest reminding him that she’d survived for years just the same as he had. They slipped into their roles with ease, like reading from a memorized script. She didn’t want him to kiss her anywhere above the neck and he understood that just fine. This was probably the first time she’d had sex with anyone since her husband died— But kissin’ her lower was fair game. 

She also didn’t want him on top. He reckoned that feeling his weight on hers was too intimate for what she was looking for—The woman wanted full control, and Joel was keen to surrender it. That’s what made this perfect. There was no miscommunication about her intentions— her desires, and he didn’t realize how badly he needed that reassurance. She did let him roll her over near the end, so he could pull out—And in the aftermath, they lay in silence, on separate sides of the upstairs bed, contemplating their choice. 

With his head clear and his body lax, he was able to quell some of his own deep seated fears. Despite his impassioned claims to Ellie on more than one occasion, the honest truth was that until this moment, Joel had be so afraid that having sex would make him think of her. Ever since that godforsaken restaurant, he'd been suffering with a small, niggling worry that they were too close, that because he was singularly focused on her, and given the fact that he’d seen her raped— that the act of sex itself would become synonymous with Ellie in his mind. 

But all his worries on that front had been for naught. Of course he didn’t think about Ellie. It had nothing to do with her. Like he’d told her at the hospital—There was huge difference between forcing something to happen and things happening naturally between consenting adults. They'd done nothing wrong. Esther was a woman over forty-five, not some cowering little girl. She could make her own decisions, and Joel hadn’t hurt her, something she'd been abundantly clear about.   

Still, it was a relief to have the confirmation, that witnessing such horror hadn’t skewed his brain enough to turn the experience into something sick. The only negative he was left with now was a gentle bubble of guilt floating around in his gut. Joel knew well enough that Ellie wouldn’t like this, that the thought of him having sex scared her. No amount of internal dialogue could change that, because it was on her end. And try as he might, he couldn’t just pluck those thoughts out of her head. She don't got nothin' to be scared of—She don't even need to know. 

“Well—” he started, another twinge of guilt getting the best of him as he looked out the window and saw that twilight had descended over the house. It was getting late and he could see Ellie starting to get worked up if he wasn’t back soon— He hoped she wouldn't. Maybe she’d be too busy playin’ with her friends. As they got dressed and packed up their shit, Esther put a hand on his arm. “Thank you, Joel.”

“There’s no need for that now,” he snorted. “It was my pleasure. But do me a favor and keep it quiet? Last thing I need is for Ellie to get involved.” That was all he would say on the matter. Esther didn’t seem like the type to go blabbing to her girlfriends.

“Of course,” she winked, and they set out to finish their route. Esther’s ankle was manageable enough now for her to ride back on her own. 

Despite the already late hour, he stopped off at home to shower before joining Ellie at the bonfire. Maybe he was paranoid, but he didn’t know how sensitive she was to smells, and he didn’t want to kiss her with the same mouth that… Well—Let's just say he wanted to keep it separate.

Tommy was waiting for him when he arrived, hands on his hips, not even trying to hide his annoyance. “Where've you been? Have you got any idea how many times that little girl has asked me where you are in the past hour?” He nodded toward Ellie, who was standing in a circle with her friends finishing off a sausage on a bun. She hadn’t spotted him yet. “Five times,” he said before Joel could answer. “I was about to send out a search party just so she’d stop lookin’ at me like I personally made you late.” 

“Tommy—” He rubbed his forehead. 

“You run into trouble in the county?” he asked.

"Not that kind of trouble." Joel shook his head, jutting his chin out to trace Esther’s path as she joined up with some of the other ladies. Tommy's eyes followed his, his mouth forming an O of understanding, then a knowing smile. “Alright. I get it—” he drawled amusedly. “Just try not to scare the shit out of the kid next time.”

What Joel tried not to do was make a habit of using his fists to wipe the smugness off his brother’s face, so he ignored the comment, and located his daughter again. Dina was the one who noticed first— She grinned and waved, which prompted Ellie to turn around. “Joel!” The little girl seemed to melt with relief the moment she caught sight of him, and as soon as he got close enough, she made a beeline for his arms and he wrapped them around her. “Hey there beautiful girl.” 

“Where were you?” she asked, hanging off his neck. Her tone was accusatory, but still fond enough that he knew she wasn't angry. 

“Got off to a late start, an’ Cowgirl was actin’ up,” he told her. “Took us a bit longer to get back cos of that.”

“Oh. Well I missed you.”

“I missed you too, chickie pie.” The nickname made her smile. 

It was nice that Tommy and Maria made such an effort to get the community together, like something from a dream. They ended the night what was left of them, sitting round the fire with a guitar, swaying back and forth to people’s attempts to make music; some were decent, some were just sad, but it didn’t matter. For the kids it was funny, and for the grown ups it was a chance to reminisce.

Ellie was real clingy tonight. She’d stopped sitting with her friends in favor of the spot next to him, and she’d been asking him all sorts of random questions. Did he think people got their music taste from their parents? No. Not if Sarah had anything to say about it. One of the younger dads, Dorian— sang a Trace Adkins song, “You’re gonna miss this,” about kids growin’ up. And Ellie asked him if the song made him think about her, or just Sarah.

There was somethin’ on her mind for sure, but he wasn’t gonna find out what it was till tomorrow at the earliest, cos apparently they were taking Dina home with them for the night. They were nearin’ bed time, when Tommy called him out. “Now, I hear you’ve been teachin’ Ellie to play guitar, big brother. Why don’t you two sing us a little duet.”

Ellie whipped around to look at Joel, her expression one of alarm. “I don’t know how to sing,” she hissed. 

He ruffled her hair. “We don’t know no duets,” he excused, waving him off.

“Aw c’mon—” Maria encouraged. “Why don’t you just sing the same song together?”

Esther shot him a smile from across the campfire where she sat next to Sue. "I'd like to hear," she volunteered. 

“Yeah Ellie, you guys should sing! Please? It would seriously make my night,” Dina pushed, and Joel knew his girl's weakness. She’d lost the argument. 

“Ugh— Fine,” she huffed, burying her face in his shoulder. “This is so embarrassing.”

“S’alright, baby girl. You just trust me, ok?” He took the guitar when it was passed over to him and placed it on Ellie’s lap, moving himself to sit directly behind her, his hands over hers on the instrument. Joel guided her through the intro, then she started to play the cords herself as he slipped into his lower register. “If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself…” 

“…Everything I have found here, I’ve not found by myself” she trilled, and Lord help him if she didn’t have the prettiest little singin’ voice he’d ever heard— And the way she tried to emulate his accent. Jesus Christ. This kind of love wasn’t for the faint of heart. She forgot to keep strumming as she sang, but that was ok. Joel was more than happy to take the lead on that if it meant she’d keep doin’ the vocals with him.

Tommy sniffled and wiped a tear from his eye as they finished, the sappy shit—And Maria looked a little misty eyed too as she patted his hand.

“That was so cute,” Dina announced to the group, and they got a round of applause that made Ellie squirm and fidget in her seat. Joel took a moment to admire what they were building— all the progress they’d made, and just for tonight he could honestly say that life was good.

Chapter Text

Ellie hated waking up alone. She rolled over and reached out her fingers so she could walk them across Joel’s arm, but his spot was empty, the blankets thrown back.

The sheets were cold, like he’d been removed from them for a while. She checked the bathroom first, but he wasn’t there. Then, when she paused at the top of the stairs to listen, she heard voices down below. It sounded like Joel talking to himself, so it was probably Tommy. It was weird for him to visit in the middle of the night like this.

The brothers were out on the porch, both the door and the screen propped open with a piece of wood. Ellie was wearing a tank top and her purple shorts, and even though it wasn’t likely that anyone else would be out there, she made sure to grab the throw blanket from the couch to cover her bite arm before joining them under the moonlight, just in case. 

Joel had his back to her. He was sitting on the steps, elbows propped up on his knees, and Tommy stood across from him facing in her direction, like he’d just swung by for something quick and ended up staying longer than expected.

He held up a hand to silence Joel when he spotted her in the doorframe and grinned. “It’s like she can sense we’re talkin’ about her—” he said, then he opened his arms. “C’mere, birthday girl.”

Ellie shot him a small, fond smile, then went obediently down the porch steps and into his arms. She wrapped her blanket wings around his waist and he rested his chin on the top of her head. He smelled like the stables. When they separated, she turned around to find Joel looking at her, an easy smile on his face. He patted the spot next to him and she sat down and snuggled up, knees pulling to her chest. “Couldn’t sleep?” he asked.

“I dunno… I think I woke up cos you weren’t there.”

“Well, I’m sorry to ruin your beauty rest little lady, but Tommy and I had some top-secret birthday information to discuss an’ I couldn’t very well do that over dinner.” His tone was light, teasing, and she could tell he was trying to keep her attention on him so she wouldn’t notice the frown Tommy shot him over her head. She didn’t need to see it to know.

The younger Miller still thought it was weird for her to sleep in Joel’s bed and anytime it got brought up his expression would slip into the same concerned furrow.

She wasn’t sure if he’d talked to his older brother about it in the past, but if he had, it hadn’t affected Joel’s choice to let her keep doing it. His answer was always the same. That she could go into her room when she was ready, and if she wasn’t ready she could stay in his. That was that; nice and simple.

Joel exhaled and stretched his arm behind her. “You have a bad dream?” 

Ellie was surprised to hear him ask her that in front of Tommy, but then again, what did it matter when the younger Miller already knew everything anyways?

According to Maria, he was even aware that she had dreams about Joel hurting her. “No. I haven’t for a while—” Not since the one about Tommy, which she hoped more than anything the woman hadn’t shared with her husband— “Maria sort of helped me with it actually.”

“She did?” Tommy blinked, like the statement surprised him. That was good. It meant he probably didn’t know. Joel looked a little surprised too, but he didn’t say anything. 

“Mhm. I haven’t had one since we talked.”

Both sets of eyes were fixed on her and Ellie squirmed in her spot, a sudden shyness taking over as she hid her face in Joel’s shoulder. “Are you done talking about birthday stuff now?” she mumbled.

“You tryin’ to rush me out, girl?” Tommy smirked, and Ellie’s chest twinged with guilt. Her face must’ve changed too because he let out what sounded like an exasperated laugh and leaned forward to tap her chin. “Relax, honey. I’m just playin’ with you— I’ll take the hint. But I ain’t gonna be so accommodating come morning. I am fully expectin’ to celebrate my niece’s first birthday in Jackson whether she likes it or not. Fifteen is a big deal.” 

“No it’s not,” she scowled.

“Are you kiddin’? That’s halfway to thirty! Pretty soon you’re gonna be gettin’ married, and movin’ out on your own— havin’ little baby grand-nieces and nephews.”

“I won’t!” Ellie squealed and kicked her foot in his direction. “I’m gonna live with Joel forever and ever— and even if I do get married, which I won’t— they’ll just have to move in with us.” 

Tommy snorted. “Is that right? And what about when Joel kicks the bucket?”

“Then I’ll turn him into one of those weird statues, like the owl Eugene has on his porch— only I’ll put him in the kitchen.”

“You’re gonna taxidermy my brother’s dead corpse?” Tommy wrinkled his nose. “Well in that case, forgive me for insisting we continue dinners at our house in the future. I ain't gonna have nothin' for appetite looking at somethin' that gnarly.”

“We’ll reevaluate that one when the time comes.” Joel chuckled and kissed the side of her face. His beard rasped her skin. 

“It doesn’t matter anyways,” Ellie said. “You’re not dying...ever. We’ll die at the same time when we’re both old.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m already old,” he jested, but there was an undercurrent of seriousness, a knot forming inside her belly. “You are not. When I’m ninety, you’ll be—” 

“—A hundred and twenty four,” Joel answered for her. “Am I allowed to die then?” 

“Yep. Then it’s ok.”

“Sounds like a plan, baby girl. Whatever you say.”

“Alright—” Tommy drawled, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “I think I’m gonna leave you two to your… whatever the hell this is—“ He gestured at them. “But I want you bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the mornin’, so you best make sure you get some sleep,” he commanded. “And hey—” The man nudged her arm. “Happy fifteenth, kiddo.”  

Ellie smiled. When he was out of sight, she let the blanket fall down around her waist and leaned her head on Joel’s shoulder. “I love Tommy.”

“I know you do,” he sighed, but the corners of his mouth twitched up and she knew that even though they didn’t always get along, he was happy she had such a good relationship with his brother.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, then Ellie spoke again. “It’s weird to think that my mom died fifteen years ago today. Like I shouldn’t really be celebrating.”

“Thought she died the day after your birthday,” Joel grunted.

“I think it was technically tomorrow night.” She shrugged. “But she died from giving birth to me, so it’s pretty much the same thing.”

He didn’t say anything, like he could sense she wasn’t done talking. It took Ellie a while to formulate her thoughts into a cohesive sentence, but when her mouth caught up with her brain, her words came out heavy with their own weight. “Sometimes I think she gave up, or died or whatever just so she wouldn’t have to raise me.”

“Honey…” Joel massaged his forehead. 

“No— But think about it,” she insisted. “She had just enough chance to see me, and maybe I looked like him. Maybe I have his eyes, or his nose or something, and she realized that I reminded her too much of him— That I was gonna be like him—”

“That ain’t what happened,” he cut her off firmly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. 

His certainty only stoked the fire brewing in her chest. “How do you know that, Joel? I’d rather DIE than have David’s baby, or James’, or the other guy’s. I’d probly just let it kill me because I wouldn’t be able to look at it without feeling sick or thinking about what they did—”

“Ellie.” He stopped her. “You ain’t havin’ no one’s baby; that ship has long sailed— And parents don’t jus’ hate their kids for lookin’ like the other parent. Sarah didn’t look nothin’ like me; she was all Erin. But do you think I hated her for it? Even when I was mad at her Mama?”

“But you were married to Erin. She didn’t kidnap and rape you,” Ellie said flatly.

“Is that what he did?” Joel pursed his lips.

Her mouth watered with tears. “He took her from her work and he locked her in an abandoned base, and then he raped her over and over again—for days—until she escaped—” Ellie was crying now, “—And even if he’s dead, a piece of him is always gonna stay living inside me—Just like a piece of David is always gonna stay inside me—I can feel it—Pretty soon there's gonna be more bad pieces than good pieces—”

“Hey—hey—hey—Breathe,” he ordered, cupping her face. “There are so many more good pieces in you, Ellie. You’re smart—and you’re strong— you’re a good helper and a good friend—Everywhere you go people can feel that, an’ they love you for it—An’ even if you weren’t any of those things, it wouldn’t matter cos you’re my daughter.” 

“But I’m not!” she sobbed. “I’ll always be his daughter first and yours second.” 

Joel didn’t respond right away. Maybe he knew that trying to talk her down was pointless when she was this worked up. Instead, he picked up the blanket off the deck where it had fallen and wrapped it around her shoulders. Ellie hadn’t even realized that her teeth were starting to chatter, that there were goosebumps raising on her arms. “I couldn’t disagree more, baby girl—There ain’t nothin’ I wouldn’t give to take this pain away from you.”

“I just wish you were really my dad—” she lamented. “I wish I had a you piece inside me.” Ellie was coming down now, sniffling away the excess snot and wiping the tears from her cheeks. 

“Tcht. You do, honey. You’ve got lots of me in you. You’re stubborn as shit, and you’ve definitely got my temper— That cute little accent you put on when you’re tryin’ to imitate me ain’t half bad neither—”

“I meant biological, Joel. I wish I looked like you or something.”

“Hey now— Don’t be too quick to assume you don’t. We’ve got the same hands—” he smiled, “—They both have ten fingers. An’ you’ve got two feet just the same as me— I’m pretty sure we both even have a little freckle right here—” Joel touched a spot under her left eye, “—or maybe that’s a speck of dirt—” He licked his thumb and tried to rub it off.

“Joel, stop!” she giggled, squirming to avoid getting more of his spit on her face.

“Nope— Thas’ definitely a piece of me. In fact— I don’t think you had that freckle when we first met.”

“You’re so full of shit.” Ellie glared, but she couldn’t help but marvel at the ease in which he’d turned her panic into laughter. She wasn’t even feeling sad anymore. 

“C’mere kiddo,” he said, tucking her under his chin. “Bein’ serious now— I understand where you’re comin’ from. I know that birthdays don’t always bring the happiest memories. You don’t need to tell me that. But I want you to try an’ forget about all that today. Focus on what we’ve got new— All the good stuff that’s happened. You’re friends, our family… I'm real proud of you for openin' up with Maria. That makes me glad to hear." 

Ellie wondered if he really did understand, or if he was just saying it to make her feel better. “When’s your birthday?” she asked. It was sort of sad that she didn’t already know it. You’d think she would’ve asked amid all this talk about hers. Maybe he’d already had it and didn’t say anything. That seemed like something he would do. 

“September twenty-sixth.”

She blinked. “Wait… What the fuck? Are you joking? Cos that’s not very funny if you are—” Ellie’s brows fixed into a scowl. 

“I ain’t jokin’— Go ahead and ask Tommy tomorrow.” She didn’t need to ask Tommy. Joel joked about a lot of things with her now, but never like this. 

“Your birthday is Outbreak Day?” she repeated. 

He pursed his lips and nodded.

“But Sarah died on Outbreak Day, didn’t she?”

Joel winced. “Yep. Guess that's another way we're the same."

“Oh my God—That’s so fucked up.” There were no other words to describe it. 

“Yeah well— We don’t need to talk about me. You want me to tell my brother to find himself a new niece, cos you don’ wanna celebrate?” Ellie couldn’t quite wrap her head around Sarah dying on Joel’s birthday enough to let him change the conversation back to funny again, so she just shook her head. “No, it’s ok.” 

“Good. Then let’s go inside, yeah? Gotta make sure my sweet little, itty bitty fifteen-year-old baby girl gets a good night's sleep before her big day—” He was just doing that to bug her now and Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes, resigned to the torture. It was going to be a long day.

Chapter Text

On Ellie’s first day in military preparatory school in the Boston QZ, this fucking bitch named Frankie Piper dumped out her backpack and stole a bunch of her shit. Frankie ripped up one of her comics and then the girl and her friends tossed around her walkman over their heads. 

That little incident, which didn’t feel so little at the time, was the beginning of the alliance between Ellie and Riley, who stopped them and returned her things. Of course— she’d also stolen Ellie’s walkman right after, but the point of her thinking about this wasn’t the principle. It was the fact that today, on her fifteenth birthday, Ellie felt a bit like that walkman, constantly changing hands.

Tommy got her first, if she didn’t count Joel waking her up by singing a cheesy rendition of the Happy Birthday song that she was sure only he could conjure up— The silly awakening was completed by him braiding her hair into not one, but two ‘birthday braids,’ and then tickling her until she was on the brink of peeing herself. After that, she was packed up and shipped off to the other Miller household. 

Joel stayed behind to work on the finishing touches of his present to her. He’d told her in advance that he was letting Tommy and Maria take the lead on the celebrations this year because his brother was so excited— Apparently, the younger Miller had something big planned. Ellie was fine with all of it— any of it— She would've been fine with none of it. She’d never had a birthday gift before, besides maybe Riley holding her hand last year, or the knife Marlene gave her that belonged to her mother, but that wasn’t even on her birthday.

When Maria saw her hair, she laughed, then twirled her around to get a better look and said, “That man is never ever going to let you grow up, is he?” in an amused voice.

“I for one, think they’re very mature pigtails.” Tommy winked at her. 

“Maybe I don’t want to be mature,” Ellie grumbled. “I’m just going to stay this age forever.”

“But you know, honey— People with the most birthdays tend to live the longest…” he replied, and she huffed, rolled her eyes, and sat down at the table. “That was the lamest one yet. Please tell me you’re saving all the good birthday puns for later—“

“Really Ellie? Don’t encourage him,” Maria snorted, but she was smiling.  

Tommy placed a humongous pancake in front of her on a plate, the number 15 patterned out in dewberries on top. “Did you get some sleep, kiddo?” he asked then, and Ellie nodded and started to dig into the doughy breakfast with her fork, smearing syrup over top in enough excess that Maria actually took the bottle out of her hand.

“Aw, leave the poor girl alone on her birthday, woman—” Tommy was grinning as he trapped Maria’s wrist in one of his hands and pulled her to face him, then used his other hand to pry the bottle back. 

“Are you gonna deal with the sugar crash at noon?” she asked, and when her husband sighed with defeat, she stood on her tiptoes and pecked him on the lips. “Didn’t think so.”

“Tcht. That sounds like a daddy job anyways.”

“Hey— You be nice to your brother.” she scolded. “I’m sure the last thing Ellie wants is to watch you two throwing it down on her special day.” 

She could watch them do this all day. They were like the perfect couple. It was a shame they didn’t have any children of their own. They’d be the best parents. Maria had told her once that it was Tommy who didn’t want kids, which she found strange. She would’ve pegged Maria as the driving force behind that sentiment. He just seemed like such a natural.

Ellie was halfway through her pancake when both Maria and Tommy’s radios sounded at the same time. “Station 1— This is the dam—Requesting assistance with a broken turbine—”

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” Tommy cursed, picking up the walkie. “Station 12— Just how long has this turbine been actin’ up?—It’s my niece’s birthday Terrence—” He sounded annoyed: the special kind of irritation he usually reserved for Joel. 

“Sorry boss—But we’re about to lose power to the whole town—”

“Oh for cryin’ out loud.” As a general rule, Tommy handled all matters concerning the operation of the dam. Maria went up there when there were new groups being introduced, or to greet traders and shipments, but the actual fixing stuff wasn’t her thing. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t do it if she had to, she just wasn’t very skilled in that area— It had been Tommy’s idea to try and run electricity through the town in the first place; he’d had some ‘relevant experience’ from his time with the Fireflies, which he barely ever talked about. 

Ellie remembered from her days roof hopping with Riley, that the Fireflies in Boston would wipe out power to certain areas of the QZ just before attacks. Sometimes they would cut the lights in a different neighborhood just to draw the FEDRA out, then they’d set off their bombs on the opposite side of the zone. It was hard to picture the Tommy she knew doing any of that, but she was also aware that just like Joel, the younger Miller had turned his life around and changed for the better. His transition was just a little less recent. 

“Why don’t you draw me a map of the thing?” Maria suggested. “I’ll give it a whirl.”

“Naw—” He waved her off. “It’ll be faster if I just go. Probly won’t be more than an hour dependin’ on the fix— I’m gonna need to get one of those damn kids trained in something useful one of these days—”

“Can I come with you?” Ellie asked, swallowing her last bite of pancake and pushing the plate away. She never got to go anywhere fun, and today seemed like a good day to push the issue. “I’ll be good. I promise.” 

Tommy sighed and looked at his wife, who raised her hands up by her head to signal her choice to abstain from the decision. “It’s your brother.”

“You got that little Beretta of yours, sweetheart?” He quirked an eyebrow. 

Ellie shook her head. “Sorry, didn’t think I needed it for breakfast.” Maybe if she played it up enough he’d give her something bigger to use…

The man smirked and picked up his radio. “Alright. Well, let’s swing by your place an’ get it so we can let Joel know. Much as I like a good throw down, I don’ want my big brother knockin’ my teeth in today.” Then he leaned in and whispered, “Gotta keep the wife happy too,” which earned him a scowl from Maria.

He was just joking. Tommy would do everything he could to avoid a fight, even if the cause was justified. It was actually kind of annoying, and she could see where it caused conflict between the two brothers. 

Ellie tried not to be too dramatic in her disappointment. So much for that plan. Joel wasn’t going to let her go to the dam. After all this time, he was still wary from their first visit, when the area was raided. “Station 12— I’ll be up there in a half hour—Make sure it’s all good to go—” 

He grabbed his own guns, then radio called the stable on the way over to get Jericho saddled up. “You wanna ride Scout? Or come with me?” he paused to ask.

“With you,” Ellie chose. 

“Just the one then—” Tommy clarified into the walkie.

The younger Miller made them knock on the door and wait for Joel instead of walking straight in, even though it was her own house. He was worried the man would be doing something confidential in the living room, and it seemed like he might’ve been right, because when he answered the door, he had paint on his shirt and a little in the crease of his elbow. Red and blue paint. What the fuck? 

Truth be told, she was expecting her dad to kick up more of a fuss about their little trip. But Tommy didn’t ask so much as tell his brother that’s what they were doing, and Joel only narrowed his eyes for a second, shot the younger man a serious, semi-threatening look, then went into the house to get her gun. “You listen to your Uncle Tommy,” he ordered. He wouldn’t hand her the 9mm until she nodded her agreement. “Yes. I will.” She made a show of checking the safety before stuffing the weapon into the band of her jeans. 

For a girl who spent so much time around horses, Ellie almost never got a chance to ride. She’d gone Out a few times on Pluto with Joel, and once around town with Dina and Japan, but the animals were more often than not booked up for patrols or sweeps of surrounding areas. 

Tommy didn’t want her going into the stables today for some reason. At first, she didn’t think anything of it; he said he’d run in and grab the horse, but when she tried to follow him so she could help finish tacking up, he crossed an arm in front of her and shot her a stern look. “You wait out here.”

“O—kay,” Ellie frowned. That was weird.

She quickly forgot about his odd behavior when he returned, tugging the dark brown gelding behind him. Jericho was a sturdy horse with a calm disposition, just like his owner. Only Tommy and Maria were allowed to bring him out— It was the same with Scout—And Tommy had offered the other night to make Pluto Joel’s personal horse, but the man had declined. He said he liked the animal’s temperament, but he wasn’t attached enough to care if someone else rode him. Joel didn’t get attached to things easy; Ellie knew that from experience. 

“Who’s a good boy?” she cooed, combing her fingers through Jericho’s coarse, black mane. “You’re such a sweet baby… Did anyone give you a carrot today? Or an apple…?” Ellie always found herself instinctively mimicking the baby talk Dina used when interacting with Japan when she was around the horses. “Maybe an apple would be better. I was going to, but I wasn’t allowed.” She feigned a glare, looking up at Tommy.

“Alright smart aleck, get on up.” He shot her an exasperated look and Ellie put her foot in the stirrup and swung her leg over the gelding’s back, scooting behind the saddle. She liked riding pillion. It was all of the fun and none of the work.

“Go fast,” Ellie commanded, tightening her arms around his waist so he knew she meant business. 

“Fast? How fast we talkin’?” he teased. “A nice little lope?”

“Tommy—” she whined. 

“Ok—Ok— keep your shirt on girl— ” he chuckled and Ellie didn’t know what that meant, but she suspected he wasn’t talking about her actual shirt. Tommy clicked Jericho forward, then squeezed his legs to get the horse to speed up till they were flying down the long stretch of grass where he would normally let the animal walk, a steady stream of laughter bubbling up through her lips. 

Ellie threw her head back to feel the wind in her scalp, and then when he slowed Jericho near the entrance to the dam, Tommy dismounted and grinned at her. “You sure are cute, you know that?” He reached up to help her down and she let him, planting her feet firmly on the ground. 

“Joel doesn’t let me go that fast, even when he’s the one steering— Like he thinks I’m gonna fly off the end—” Ellie frowned, a memory coming unbidden into the forefront of her mind. “I did fall off once when I was galloping Callus, but that was cos he got shot by David’s friends. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t let me. I had to like… tuck and roll, and my shoulder was kinda fucked up for a while after that…”

The younger Miller pursed his lips to cover a wince, like he wasn’t sure how to proceed with her sudden change in disposition. “Sorry,” she said.

Tommy put his hands on her shoulders from behind and guided her through the side door of the power plant. “Don’ apologize. It’s your birthday, you talk about whatever you want— Ain’t your fault I don’ always know what to say.” She liked how he said that when he was at a loss for words instead of just staring at her awkwardly like Joel did.

The fix, as it turned out— was something that Maria probably could’ve attended to. According to Tommy, it was something a moron could attend to— But Ellie figured that was just his anger talking. It took him a grand total of seven minutes and the turbine was back up and running. “Whaddya’ think Ellie? Think you could do it yourself next time?” He nodded toward the large cylinder.

“Definitely,” she said, and he hummed his agreement. “See Terrence— Next time you’ve got an issue, don’ call for me, call for Ellie here and she’ll take care of it.” The guy in the doorway kept quiet, even though it looked like he wanted to say something rude, his jaw tense, teeth gritted. 

They were about to head back, when someone called out for Tommy from the other side of the plant. “Good you’re here boss— There’s a whole shit tonne of people asking to be let in at the gate!” he shouted. “One of them says she’s a friend of yours!”

The younger Miller frowned and shot Ellie a wary glance. “Stay close sweetheart— And take out your gun.” He cocked his head for her to follow him and prepped his Winchester.

Tommy made her wait outside the line of fire as he climbed to the top of the gate’s lookout, but he had a sudden change of heart once he saw whomever it was asking to be let in. “C’mere honey—” he lifted her up to stand with him, hooking an arm under her armpit. “It’s been awhile… Tell me— Is that Marlene?”

Her heart sank, stomach doing a nervous flip-flop. Ellie peered at the crowd of people below, a group of at least fifteen strong, and right away her eyes honed in on the woman at the front, curly black hair tied in a bun. Light brown skin weathered and marred with lines from age and hardship.

“Yeah, that’s Marlene.” She wasn't sure how Tommy could forget the appearance of someone he'd... Nevermind. 

“Think she came for your birthday?” he tried to make light, nudging her side. 

“I don’t think so," Ellie said flatly. That was a nice thought… but she doubted it. The woman had never done anything to show she cared about her birthday before. "That’s Doctor Anderson, and those two women are nurses from the Firefly hospital.” She pointed. 

“Damn," he blew out his breath in a sigh. "Well, I guess we’d better let ‘em in, hey?” 

Chapter Text

The next time Ellie was supposed to change hands for the day, Tommy decided to hold onto her instead. “Well if it isn’t the Lone Star himself—”  Marlene greeted the younger Miller with a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek. “It’s been too long,” she said. “You look good.”

The way she lingered her hand on his shoulder made Ellie’s gut churn uncomfortably. Tommy, always polite, nodded his head and said, “You look… ” 

“—Like shit, I know,” the woman finished for him. “It’s good you got out when you did. Though, I would’ve appreciated being told in person instead of through some guy who heard it from some other guy.” There was something that sounded like old bitterness there, but she didn’t give Tommy enough time to respond before she was pulling Ellie in for a brief hug and changing the subject. “Hey Ellie, it’s nice to see you honey. Looks like these Jackson folk are turning you into a proper little cowgirl.” She gestured to her braids, mimicking a Texas accent. “Can’t say I saw that one coming.” 

“I’m not a cowgirl,” Ellie grumbled. “I never even wore my hair like this until today.” 

The younger Miller shot her an amused look. “She ain’t lyin’— They’re “birthday braids,” he smirked. “I reckon Joel just did ‘em cos he don’ wanna think about her growin’ up on him.” His angle was obvious. In that statement, he conveyed two things. One: it was her birthday, which she was pretty sure the woman didn’t know, and two: Joel was still around to do things like braid her hair. Marlene’s eyes widened in an almost immeasurable gesture. “Happy birthday,” she smiled. 

Tommy draped an arm around her shoulders just as Doctor Anderson came over to say hi— A young girl trailed behind him, Ellie’s age or a little older— a lot taller, with blonde hair and wide shoulders. “Did I hear that right? Is it your birthday?” the doctor asked. “That makes you… What? Fifteen now?”

Ellie nodded.

“Well then happy birthday—It’s nice to see you looking so strong,” he added sincerely, giving her a once over with his eyes. She squashed the sudden instinct to shirk away, to act like a baby and climb all over Tommy— to hide in his neck like she did with Joel. 

This wasn’t the time to act helpless or cling to his leg like a frightened toddler. She was fine; Tommy had already let her get away with a lot today, joking so much over breakfast, and humoring her when she made him gallop Jericho. Coincidentally, that was her inner Marlene voice talking. 

It was hard to explain to just anyone why she got the urge to be, for lack of a better word: immature, all the time, and neither him nor Joel made her feel bad about it. She knew for a fact that Joel LIKED when she acted like a kid; she would go as far as to say he encouraged it. It made her feel safe in the same way it made him feel like he could keep her safe… 

If she was a little girl and not almost a woman, then people would be less likely to look at her and think about hurting her— about breaking her apart in the same way David and his friends had…But Marlene and Doctor Anderson wouldn’t put up with the childishness as much as the Miller brothers did, or Maria, who tolerated her antics because she understood them, and because she wasn’t hurting anyone. They just saw a fifteen year old girl being silly. 

It wasn’t even that Ellie was afraid of the doctor: not more afraid of him than she was any other man. He was also in the category of ‘men with daughters,’ which bumped him up in favor, but she wished she could obliterate the knowledge that he’d examined her naked body from her mind, that during that exam, he’d probably had to touch her between her legs. That his hand had been up her shirt on multiple occasions and he’d seen her without a bra. She was pretty sure he wasn’t thinking about that right now, but still…

Doctor Anderson reached out for a handshake and Tommy reciprocated. Which meant their hands were touching… Which in theory was like Tommy touching a hand that had touched between her legs… Where do you even come up with this bullshit? That was months ago, and he would’ve worn gloves. Joel never made her do the journal again after the first time, but even if he did, she wouldn’t write something that stupid in it. 

“Jerry Anderson— I was Ellie’s doctor in Salt Lake City, and this is my daughter, Abby.” He motioned to the teenage girl behind him. “I know you two didn’t get a chance to meet while you were at the hospital Ellie. Figured you could get to know each other now.”

The two girls exchanged awkward eye contact to acknowledge each other's presence. 

“Tommy Miller,” Joel’s brother introduced himself. “My wife Maria is one of Jackson’s founders along with her daddy, who’s passed now. She an’ I co-run things around here.” The younger Miller paused, jostled Ellie closer, then asked, “What can we do for you folks?”

“We’ve just got a few follow up tests that need to be done with Ellie. Didn’t want to trouble her by asking her to come all the way back to the hospital if you’ve got a functional clinic here in town. If you’d be so kind as to give me and some of my nurses here access to it, there’s a few things we need to talk over with the young lady.” Doctor Anderson eyed her. “We could have the preliminary checks done in a couple hours if we get started right away.”

“What’s with the small army?” Tommy asked, gesturing to the crowd of people behind them. He was looking at Marlene again, but the doctor answered for her. “I’m afraid we might’ve talked this up as a sort of field trip for some of the Salt Lake crew; they were all curious to see if the rumors about Jackson were true. We probably should’ve sent someone along to ask if it was ok first.” He looked a bit sheepish. 

The younger Miller sucked on his teeth, then stood up straighter. “Well— That ain’t the issue. We’ve got plenty of space. Biggest problem I see is that it’s Ellie’s birthday— so I’m gonna go ahead an’ speak for Joel when I say that you ain’t comin’ near this girl with a ten foot pole today. She’s booked solid— And if you’ve met my brother, you’ll know he don’t take too kindly to people speakin’ for him, so I’m gonna keep my silence on the rest, and yall can have your conversations with him.”

“Tommy—” Marlene frowned. “Don’t you think that’s Ellie’s choice?”

Maybe if they were talking about something else, Ellie would agree. But like Maria said, she’d chosen to present Joel as her dad, and by doing so, gave him some modicum of control over her life. Plus, despite his early push back, he’d been fair with what he allowed and didn’t allow when they were at the Firefly hospital. He stuck up for her; he’d seen things that she hadn’t, and at the end of the day, he let her make her own decisions. Even after she promised him she wouldn’t do anymore procedures. 

She trusted him more than she trusted Marlene, definitely more than she trusted Doctor Anderson. “We should wait for Joel,” Ellie backed Tommy. “He'll talk to me about it anyways. We talk about everything.” 

“There you go,” the younger Miller said. “That’s your answer. But you’re welcome to come inside. I’m sure we can get some things started at the clinic, introduce you to our doctors, and set up a couple room and board spots for your crew.” That was more of his peacemaking. 

The Firefly woman looked between them like she was going to say something else, but seemed to think better of it and forced her face into another smile. “Ok. If that’s what you want, Ellie.” One way people like Marlene survived in this world was to know when they were outnumbered.

Before they headed back into town, Ellie pulled Tommy aside and lowered her voice so it wasn’t more than a hushed whisper. “Promise me you won’t let Joel and Marlene alone in a room together.”

He frowned. “Why? There some sort of bad blood between ‘em? He hasn’t mentioned nothin’.”

“It’s because he’s keeping secrets for me again,” she explained sullenly. “I don’t know if he’s mad enough to hurt her but…”  Ellie shrugged. “I dunno. Just promise.”

“Alright. I promise.” Tommy sounded wary. “Just, leave it with me, ok? You don’ need to be worryin’ about none of this today.” He touched her chin. 

Just as she predicted, Joel was NOT happy to hear about Marlene’s arrival in town. The younger Miller seemed to take her warning to heart and when they were in Jackson again, he sent the Firefly crew off with Eugene, who also knew Marlene, with instructions to find Maria, and brought Ellie directly home.

“Did you tell them she ain’t doin’ nothin’ today?” Joel demanded, crossing his arms over his chest on the porch. Ellie still wasn’t allowed to go inside the house. In that moment, once Marlene was out of the kill zone, his irritation came off a little more funny than unsettling. That was due mostly to the fact that there was a spot of red paint on his nose.

“I told her.” Tommy was being patient.

“What he actually said was that nobody was coming near me with a ten foot pole…” she informed him, trying to boost the younger man’s favor. “And I said that we should wait for you before making any decisions, so you should calm down—We didn’t do anything wrong.”

He pursed his lips. 

“You have paint on your nose by the way.” Sometimes it worked to add something random to the end of her sentences to distract him, but this time Joel just grunted at her and tried to wipe it off with his hand. The red dot stayed on his face.

Tommy cleared his throat. “Right— Well, I’m gonna leave her with you. I’ve gotta find Maria. Somethin’ tells me she ain’t gonna love the idea of them showin’ up unannounced. We’ll see you at our place later for dinner.”

“See you!” Ellie called. Then, when it was just her and Joel alone, she took a few steps forward and tried to stuff her fingers in between his crossed arms to make him separate them. His shirt was damp and sweaty. “You smell gross.”

He scowled at her. 

“Stop being mad,” she whined, then locked her arms around his neck and lifted her feet off the ground so he was forced to shift in order stop himself from falling over, one hand grabbing her at the waist. “I ain’t mad, Ellie,” he sighed and let her go. “I just don’ like the idea of this. We ain’t even been here half a year and the vultures are already circlin’.” 

“They’re not vultures. And they’re not gonna come to Jackson just to kill me and take my brain out. Plus, it’s not like there’s anything worse Marlene could tell me after the whole, ‘your father’s a kidnapping rapist,’ story from last time—”

“Let’s not get into this right now,” he cut her off.

“I wasn’t ‘getting into it.’ I was just saying—There can’t be anything more fucking awful than that. And before you tell me again…yes— I already know you’re my dad and it doesn’t matter whose goop got into my mom or how—” 

“Ellie.” His tone was firmer this time. “Ain’t it about time for your little nerd party?” Joel changed the subject. 

He was talking about D&D. When he’d asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday— if she wanted to have a party, or a group sleepover, or whatever— She said that all she really wanted was to play Dungeons and Dragons with Jesse, Dina, and Isaac. Esther had offered up her kitchen table for the event, and since Joel had other stuff to do that he wouldn’t tell her about, Ellie agreed. 

He took a break from his project long enough to deliver her a few streets over, because apparently she couldn’t be trusted not to become a walking science experiment in between their house and Isaac’s. Joel paused before knocking and Ellie cringed when she heard the mother and son fighting inside the house. “I’ve been trying my best here, Isaac! All week I’ve been telling you to pick up your room— That you can’t have friends over until it’s done— It’s not my fault you waited till the last second!”

“So what? I can’t have my friends over then?” he shouted back.

“Well you’ve put me in a shitty situation, haven’t you? That’s not fair to Ellie— But I swear to God Isaac if nothing changes—”

Ellie looked up at Joel. “Should we go?” 

“Uh…” He trailed off, like he didn’t have an answer either. Luckily, they were saved from making the decision by the appearance of Dina and Jesse behind her. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Dina called. She was hiding her arms behind her back. Jesse was carrying a mesh grocery bag on his shoulder, trailing a couple paces behind. “Thanks.” Ellie grinned, and Joel rubbed her shoulder. “Have fun, kiddo. I’ll see you for dinner. Bye Dina—” he nodded. “Jesse—” 

“Bye Mr. Miller—” Dina waved as he left, but the action jostled whatever was hidden in her hands and Jesse stepped up to steady the item behind her back. “Careful. You’re gonna be really sad if you drop that.” 

“If you drop what?” Ellie asked, and if she wasn’t mistaken, it looked like Dina was blushing, a crimson stain flooding her cheeks. “My mom got you a gift,” the girl said. “I hope that’s ok.” She held out her hands in offering to reveal a small painted pot with some sort of plant inside, the leaves thick, round and dark green, with red along the edges. “I did the painting. It’s ok if you don’t like it, or if you want to put it in a different planter. I can’t draw nearly as good as you can.”

“I love it.” Ellie couldn’t stop a wide smile from splitting across her face. The ceramic pot was light blue around the top and green around the bottom to represent sky and grass, and there were two childish dinosaur renderings between the colors. A long neck and a three-horn, painted dark green and red respectively.

“The plant is a jade, which is good luck and good fortune. And the dinosaurs are supposed to be you and me…” she trailed off. Ellie didn’t need to ask to know that she was supposed to be the red dinosaur with the horns. 

“To be fair… I told her it was a little weird,” Jesse offered, shifting the bag on his shoulder. Dina’s eyes went wide with betrayal “No you didn’t, asshole! You said it was quirky!”

“Quirky is another word for weird…” Jesse explained, but he backpedaled quickly when she turned on him. “A good kind of weird—”

“I think it’s awesome,” Ellie announced, taking the plant and cradling it to her chest. They were still standing on Isaac’s porch, but now they were being loud enough that the inhabitants of the house could hear them. Esther opened the door with a friendly smile on her face. “Hey guys, c’mon in— Isaac’s just doing a little favor for me; he’ll be down in a minute.”

She resisted the urge to smirk. He was probably cleaning his room. Jesse pulled out his D&D rulebook right away when he sat down and started pouring over something that wasn’t their usual map, making little corrections to some of the star points he’d placed at an earlier date. Dina went over to the grocery bag he came in with and extracted a glass jar. “Robin made you cookies.” She held the jar out to Ellie.

Her eyes went wide as dinner plates. “Oh my God— Are those M&Ms? I had some of those once— Holy shit— Tell her thanks—” she ordered Jesse, who wasn’t paying attention. Her mouth watered as she pried the jar open to devour the one on top, then offered it out to everyone else. Dina took one, but Esther passed. “That’s alright honey. Enjoy your treat. How’s your first Jackson birthday going so far?” 

The sweet, warm, chocolaty taste that flooded her senses was almost enough to make her forget about the ominous arrival of the Salt Lake crew this morning, but the woman’s question caused the memory to resurface, a spiny tendril of apprehension prickling in her belly. “It’s ok… Except Marlene showed up here and I’m scared Joel’s gonna wring her neck if he gets her alone.” He’d made mention of doing that exact thing on multiple occasions.

“Marlene?” Esther questioned.

“She was one of my mom’s friends. She’s the one who told Joel about me.” Ellie put her cookie down, suddenly too overcome with nerves to finish eating. Why would they come back so soon? It couldn’t be just to draw her blood again… and they’d already taken so much of it— if they couldn’t figure anything out yet, who’s to say they ever would?

“Why do you think Joel’s gonna wring her neck?” The woman sounded concerned. “You don’t mean that seriously do you?”

She shrugged, adopting the same dull attitude that she’d had earlier with Tommy. “I dunno. Maybe. He’s really mad at her and it’s not like he hasn’t done worse stuff for less.”

“Mad about…?” Esther pushed. She wasn’t sure why Isaac’s mom was asking so many questions. Maybe she was trying to get as much information as possible so she could report it before anything happened. Or maybe she figured she could have a mature, reasonable conversation with Joel, adult to adult. Dina answered for her. “—About Marlene keeping you a secret for so long, right? Even though she was friends with Tommy.”

“Maria says they were more than friends—” Ellie informed them, “—And she still didn’t say anything even though Tommy could’ve tracked Joel down at that point—or at any point really.” Her lies were smooth as butter now. Embellishing their story was becoming second nature. Joel trusted her to take the lead on that as long as she filled him in on the details later. “Don’t worry. I already asked Tommy to keep him away from her. He probably won’t let him kill her… I just don’t want them to fight.” 

Esther was still frowning by the time Isaac came down. Jesse had things pretty much set up at the dining table, the dice scattered in a disorganized pile. There was no need for sketches or cliff notes to guide them anymore; they all had their stats memorized. Even Dina who, as it turned out, enjoyed Isaac’s random acts of evil and regretted deeply her choice to play a lawful good paladin.

“Alright—” he started, flattening his hands on either side of the unfamiliar map. “Since it’s Ellie’s birthday, I thought we could do something a little different this time, something I promised to do months ago.” Anticipation built up in her chest; Ellie was pretty sure she knew where this was going. “Same characters, but I want you to imagine you’re in the front control center of a space ship hurtling towards an unfamiliar grey planet… There’s an asteroid marking its course to your right, and to your left… a glowing orb that’s pulsing blue—”

A gnome, a human, and a dark elf in space. Ellie couldn’t think of a better way to spend her birthday afternoon.

Esther held off until the last possible minute to interrupt their game, but the clock didn’t lie, and she declared that Ellie would miss family dinner if they continued playing even for another fifteen minutes to wrap things up. She tried to go pee before she left, but Dina followed her into the hall before she could close the door and quieted her tone, “Why does Joel really want to kill Marlene? What did she do?” she asked curiously. Of course she was the only other person who knew that Ellie was full of shit. 

Her eyes fixated on a picture if Isaac as a baby sitting on the shelf outside the downstairs bathroom as she spoke. “It’s the thing I told you about during the bonfire. I didn’t know about that until recently, and he asked her not to tell me, but she did anyways. And because I haven’t really been the same since…” Ellie pursed her lips, trying not to ramble to much, or make a big deal out of it.

Dina frowned. “Oh. Yeah, I get it. Ignorance is bliss, I guess. Do you wish she never told you?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. It wasn’t like she didn’t still care about the woman. 

They shared a short silence and Ellie wasn’t sure at first if it was companionable or awkward, but when Dina started to talk again, she realized it was awkward not because of the sharing, but for a different reason. A gesture the girl was about to perform that explained the indecision in her brown orbs. Dina reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a silver chain, looping it around her fingers as she held it up for Ellie to see. “My mom wanted to do something for you, but I didn’t want that to be the only gift I got you, so I asked Eugene for help and he showed me this… I hope you like it.”

The necklace was medium in both size and length, not too big, but also not delicate. It had one small pendent dangling from the middle: a rocket ship— the NASA kind, not the kind from the Sci-fi comics she loved so much. Ellie had to swallow to quell the heat rising in her throat as the other girl presented her with the charm. “Me and Jesse kind of coordinated. Well… It was more like I coordinated him.” 

“This is so cool.” She took the charm between her fingers.

Dina’s face broke apart in a smile. “Do you want me to put it on you?”

Ellie blushed and nodded. This wasn’t the first time a pretty girl had given her a necklace, but that didn’t change the fact that she was woefully bad at receiving gifts. 
She took a deep breath and blew it out again, trying hard not to think about Riley doing the same thing with her Firefly pendant after they promised to run away together. Because this had nothing to do with that. It’s wasn’t… because Dina was dating Jesse and she didn’t… But delicate fingers slid the silver chain around Ellie’s neck from behind and it made her heart flutter, and when she turned back around, just for a second, their faces were only inches apart and it looked like Dina was going to kiss her.

You could kiss her first.

Dina cleared her throat and it broke the spell; the girls pulled apart, Ellie’s hand coming up to play with the rocket ship that was now dangling at the base of her collarbone. “So, do I get to hold the title for best birthday gift? Or did someone else get you something really wicked?” 

Ellie could’ve smacked herself. Of course she couldn’t fucking kiss Dina. She was such a hopeless idiot; the girl was dating her other best friend. Giving in to an impulse as stupid as that one would ruin everything. Then the Joel in her head would be right and both Dina and Jesse would drop her; she’d be left to her own fucked up devices with Isaac. “Nope. Nothing as awesome as this. You win,” she replied. Ellie didn’t know yet what Tommy’s surprise was, or what Joel was planning, but it didn’t matter. Even if she couldn’t kiss Dina, she vowed that the necklace would stay her favorite no matter what. 

The atmosphere of family dinner was made a little uncomfortable by the events of the morning. Maria was mad at Tommy and even though she tried not to show it, the woman couldn’t hide her emotions any better than Ellie, and the short, sharp replies she directed toward her husband gave it away. Joel was mad too, but he was putting on a better show. He kept his arm slung around her chair in a gesture that to the untrained eye might appear sweet, but Ellie knew better. Tonight it wasn’t sweet so much as possessive. Same with the whiskery beard kiss he placed on the side of her face when the meal was over.

Tommy had explained that he’d made Marlene and everyone else from the Salt Lake crew promise to stick to Jackson’s pre-established narrative of Ellie and Joel’s relationship on pain of banishment. Joel made a comment about how, “words didn’t mean shit if the one sayin’ ‘em was an underhanded bitch,” and Ellie was used to hearing him talk that way about the Firefly woman, but Tommy wasn’t, and the younger Miller jumped in to defend her, urging Joel to give Marlene the benefit of the doubt. Clearly the brothers hadn’t gotten a chance to talk about why Joel hated her so much. Or maybe Joel was just respecting Ellie’s privacy on this one. 

Of course Tommy’s instinctual protection of the other woman pissed Maria off, who left the table in silence to start cleaning the kitchen. Ellie tried not to take sides, but if there was one thing she knew for certain, it was that she didn’t want Tommy playing for Marlene’s team opposite Joel and Maria. It hadn’t seemed like things were headed in that direction this morning at the dam, but the way he was talking now left her with a ruminating sense of dread.

Tommy and Maria were whispering in the kitchen when they finished up, and Ellie only caught a couple sentences, but it sounded like Tommy was trying to convince his wife to come with them for Ellie’s surprise, and the woman was resisting. “It was your idea. You take her.”

“But it’s not only from me. She loves you; she’s gonna want you there. ”

“I don’t need to play the martyr to know that. I’d rather stay with your brother.”

Joel didn’t say anything even though she knew he could hear them too, the frown on his face the only indication of his confusion. Ellie snuggled up next to where he was sitting against the arm of the sofa and cupped her hands around her mouth, leaning into his ear, “She’s mad at him cos him and Marlene used to fuck— or date. Or both. I’m not sure.”

“How do you know that?” Joel crossed his arms, surprised and maybe a little disturbed. “I didn’t even know that.”

“Maria told me.”

Tommy had switched tactics in the kitchen. “C’mon now. It ain’t just Ellie. I want you there too, angel. Love of my life—”

“You go ahead, Lone Star. I’ll be here when you get back— if you’re lucky.”

Oof. That was the name Marlene had called him this morning. She must’ve called him that in front of Maria too. Tommy was in trouble with a capital T. “What does Lone Star mean?” Ellie asked.

“Tcht. Some folks call Texas the Lone Star State,” Joel informed her quietly. “I’m guessin’ it’s in reference to that.”

“Oh.”

Tommy found her in the living room after he lost the argument and she had to give him credit because from the look on his face, you’d never know he was so far in the doghouse. “Ready to go, kiddo?—Jus’ you an’ me I’m afraid,” he added, pulling something out of his back pocket.

“Is that a blindfold?” Her eyebrows shot up into her hairline and Ellie could feel the apprehension forming on her own face. 

“Sure is. Course we don’ have to use it if… I mean I didn’t think about… If you’ve got a problem with bein’ blindfolded…” He looked at Joel, who waved him off, mouthing, “It’s fine—” Her shoulders relaxed with the relief of not having to answer the unspoken question herself. Did they blindfold you when they raped you? Ugh.

Tommy didn’t tie the black strip of fabric around her eyes until they were already down the porch steps, then he put his arms on either side of hers from behind to guide her through the street. “Tell me about your day— Did you get anything cool?” he asked as they walked and she could tell he was trying to get the jump on the conversation so that she wouldn’t ask him about Maria or Marlene.

“Mhm. Jesse’s mom made me cookies, and Dina’s mom got me a plant, and the pot has two dinosaurs painted on it— And Dina got me the rocket ship necklace I’m wearing; Eugene helped her pick it out. Esther made lunch and pie for dessert, and Isaac’s learning to draw so he gave me a picture of Dr. Daniela Star he made—” she rambled.

“You like Esther?” Tommy asked then, and Ellie frowned. Out of all the people in her story, it was weird for him to single Isaac’s mom out, but she shrugged and said, “Yep. She’s awesome. Isaac too. He’s a bit weird but I kind of like it.”

“You’re not gettin’ a crush on him I hope—” The younger Miller teased and she didn’t need to look to know there was a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. “Ew! No!— Tommy!”

“Re—lax,” he crooned. “I’m jus’ checkin’. God help any boy that tries to date you,” the man mused, letting out a snort. “I’ll bet that daddy of yours is already cleanin’ his Remington for just such occasion.” 

I doubt it. Ellie couldn’t picture him threatening some “little girl,” come to pick her up at the door with a gun. But she wasn’t gonna tell Tommy that. Not right now, so she just blew out a laugh. “Whatever. Focus on your own love life for a change and maybe Maria wouldn’t be so pissed at you.”

“Ouch girl. You don’ hesitate to kick a man while he’s down, do ya?”

“I’m just saying…” she smirked as they came to a stop. She heard the sound of a latch unhitching, then the slow slide of a large door opening on its track. They weren’t far from his house and from the smell, Ellie guessed they were at the stables. 

A flurry of familiar nickering and whinnying flooded their ears. He ushered her into the long building and they walked down what must’ve been a few stalls, then he started to untie the blindfold. “Alright, here we are. Happy birthday sweetheart,” he said as she blinked open her eyes. 

Ellie was standing in front of a stall containing a horse she’d never seen before. A beautiful brown mare with a mane and tail the same color as her coat; there was a stripe of white that ran all the way down her face starting between her eyes and ending at her nose. A construction paper sign hung on the door of the stall that read: Happy Birthday, Ellie. 

Holy fuck. She whipped around to look at Tommy, eyes wide. “Are you fucking serious right now? This isn’t some sort of joke?” 

“No jokes, kiddo. She’s all yours.” He nodded to the mare. “Four years old, sixteen hands high— She’s from one of the farms just outside of town. There’s a couple who breeds ‘em and saddle trains ‘em out there for us, an’ I know how much you like to ride—” 

Ellie squealed and leapt at him, cutting him off mid-sentence, her arms strangling him around the neck. She buried her nose in his shirt and to her chagrin, she felt the first signs of a sob growing in the base of her throat. “Oh my God,” she wept. He hugged her tight and rubbed her back. “Oh honey— Don’ cry.”

“I’m just happy!” she wailed into his shoulder. “I’m so happy.” 

When she pulled back and soaked up her remaining tears with her sleeve, she noticed that the younger Miller was pawing at his own eyes too. “Can I go in the stall with her?” she asked excitedly, and Tommy beamed. “You do whatever you want. It’s your horse. We’ll get you a name plate all done up once you’re ready.”

“Holy fuck. I can’t believe you guys fucking did this,” she declared, running her hands along the mare’s smooth coat. She was so pretty, and when Ellie moved up the horse’s body to look at her face, she turned her nose to nuzzle in her shoulder, hot breath tickling her hair. Ellie kissed her on the forehead. “You’re perfect. I love you— I love you— I love you—” she whispered.

Maria and Joel ended up joining them after all, setting a slow pace as they approached, her dad making noise about walking her home, but not before Ellie threw herself at Tommy’s wife. “Thank you so much! I love her!”

“I’m glad, honey,” Maria smiled, cupping her jaw with both hands, running her thumbs along Ellie’s cheeks. “We’re so proud of how hard you’ve been working and of all the progress you’ve made. You’re doing a good job. Keep it up.”

“I will— I promise,” Ellie said earnestly.

When it was just her and Joel alone on the walk back to their place, her face slipped into an accusatory glare. “You could’ve warned me. I cried all over Tommy…AGAIN. So fucking embarrassing.”

“D’aw. I’m sure he was jus’ tickled pink,” Joel teased. "He's been plannin' this one since our second week here." 

She touched the pendant around her neck. “I don’t think I can handle anymore surprises tonight.” Ellie was already feeling a little dazed from all the excitement, her body vibrating with the aftershocks of energy. “Please tell me you didn’t do anything crazy.”

Joel put a hand between her shoulder blades to steady her as he unlocked the house. “Don’t you worry. I left all the crazy up to my brother. Now I am gonna warn you though—” His brows were pinched and serious. “What I’m about to show you ain’t me tryin’ to push you out, alright? I meant it when I said you can sleep with me in the big room as long as you need. I jus’ wanted you to have your own space to feel comfortable in for your sleepovers, or jus’ to hang out on your own if you want—”

They reached the top of the stairs and he opened the door to her designated bedroom. The walls were already done in space grey like she’d requested on their first day, and there were fairy lights pinned around the ceiling, but it was obvious now what Joel had been doing locked in the house all day. The room was transformed. He’d made the bed with a brand new purple comforter, and from the ceiling, he’d hung what appeared to be a miniature solar system complete with all eight painted planets.

He’d pasted a series of Savage Starlight covers in a line on the wall over the dresser, and put up two Star Wars posters, one of Wonder Woman, and one that had diagrams of various dinosaurs accompanied by their scientific names. On the dresser itself, there was a whittled carving of a giraffe, and a space ship, both hand painted, along with a framed photo of Ellie in his lap on the porch that she vaguely remembered Eugene taking. The opposite wall held an empty cork board for her drawings and photos, and he’d added a light brown desk next to it with a chair to match. 

There was a full length, stand up mirror by the door beside the picture of Riley she’d drawn, along with two other sketches stolen from her book, the one of Tommy and Joel, and the one of Maria and Scout. 

Ellie was speechless.

“Breathe, honey.” He rested his chin on top of her head. “Maybe I shoulda waited till tomorrow…”

“I don’t know what to say,” she choked. “Like I seriously don't have any words at all. My brain is mush. I can’t believe you did all this in one day.”

“Wasn’t all today,” he admitted. “I reckon I’ve been pickin’ away at it for a while.”

“Thank you.” That was all she could manage. It wasn't much, but it was honest. It was hard to form proper sentences after the day she’d had. Like she'd hit max-emotional overload and now she was just coasting on fumes. 

“Happy birthday baby.”

Yeah. It really fucking was. Before this one, she wouldn’t’ve been able to say for sure if one birthday could make up for all fourteen that came before it, but as of this moment, she was certain it already had.

Chapter Text

Esther pulled up and collapsed on top of him; Joel let out a slurred groaned in response, spilling onto his stomach as her soft weight pinned him to the mattress. He loosened his grip around her waist and sighed. “Christ, woman.” 

He needed that. He’d been coiled tight since the arrival of the Fireflies yesterday and from the effort it took to keep himself optimistic for Ellie’s sake, to keep from taking a running start and clotheslining his brother who needed to learn how to shut the fuck up when it came to things he knew nothing about.

The woman rolled over and slid off the bed all in one motion, slipping her t-shirt and the black sports bra back on over her head before she tugged her underwear up her thighs. She disappeared into the bathroom to do her thing and came out a minute later with an old green towel, which she flung in his direction. Joel took that as a signal for him to get the hell out of her bed. She wasn’t much for the before and after, but that was just fine.

He could tell there'd been something she’d wanted to talk to him about earlier, something she avoided due to his sour mood; however, now that he was relaxed, she was straight to the point. “So, why is your daughter under the impression you’re going to kill her mom’s friend? — The one who’s visiting from Salt Lake City?”

There it is; manipulation at its finest. “You couldn’t wait till I got my clothes on at least before bringin’ up my daughter?” Joel was already exhausted with this line of questioning as he sat up and collected his jeans off the floor. “She’s just bein’ dramatic. I ain’t gonna kill Marlene.”

Truthfully, he’d been staying the hell away from that whole situation. He hadn’t sought her out, hadn’t given Ellie any indication that he was going to hurt the Firefly woman since her arrival, and he’d reserved his distaste to a single rude comment at dinner the night before. 

“Have you told her that? Because she seemed pretty worried when she was over here yesterday.” He worked on buttoning up his shirt and exhaled. “Look— I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve already got my brother breathin’ down my neck about this. Can we leave it alone? Ellie knows I ain’t gonna kill that woman, and if Marlene wants me to keep my mouth shut, then she should learn to do the same with hers.” 

Esther raised an eyebrow at him, the corners of her lips turning up in a smirk. “Hey—I’m just trying to help you two communicate. Ellie said you were mad about the fact that Marlene withheld her from you for so long.”

“Yeah well. My girl’s a good little liar, just like her daddy,” he snorted as he finished doing up his belt. “There’s a whole lot more to this story than you know. She can’t talk about it, so she’s makin’ shit up to get her feelings out. It’s a thing she does.”

“Alright.” She pursed her lips, looking both pensive and amused. Joel knew it wasn’t common for dads to go that deep into the emotional shit with their daughters. Hell, Joel hadn’t been that kind of dad the first time around, but now... When all he had was time to get it right, there was no excuse not to try.

“Seems like you’ve got things pretty well handled —as usual.” The woman sounded exasperated. He detected a hint of jealousy there. She perceived his ease at decoding Ellie’s behavior as a natural talent and not the result of two terms as a dad, and what felt like an endless labor of blood, sweat, and tears. 

“Did Ellie know her mom?” she asked then, and he watched as she gathered her long brown hair into a ponytail. The woman was just full of questions today.

“Ah—no. She didn’t. Far as we know, mom died givin’ birth to her.”

“Did you know her mom?” Esther shot him a look and Joel cringed.

Ellie’s little story didn’t exactly paint him in the most flattering light. Joel couldn’t go so far as to say he’d never had meaningless sex— He’d had quite a bit of it in fact, mostly in the years following the outbreak when life itself was meaningless. But the very last thing he’d been looking for at that time was an accidental pregnancy; he was meticulous and careful; he never would’ve been stupid enough to become a dad again so soon after Sarah, or selfish enough to knock up a woman and ditch her. 

Still, this was the scenario they were left with. “No,” he sighed. “Didn’t even know her name. Recognized her from a picture.” The key to a good lie was in the details.

“How does Ellie feel about that?”

His Ellie? She’d hate it, ask him a million awkward, inappropriate questions, then require convincing that his past sexual behavior wasn’t somehow indicative of him becoming a child molester, suddenly, in his fifties—” His sweet, forever paranoid girl. “—But this fake Ellie in his mind, the girl back in Boston before the nightmare that was Colorado... “Oh, she thinks it’s funny—" Joel said, trying his best to sound displeased, "Ellie gets a kick outta anything that makes me squirm."

Of course Esther was already aware that something bad had happened to his daughter, and she was smart enough to fill in the gaps for herself. So, maybe it wasn’t plausible that Ellie would find his fake relationship with her mother funny. Then again, Joel was pretty sure there were some rape victims who went the opposite way, girls who started actin’ more sexualized afterwards to get their control back —or for whatever other reason. It was possible he was overthinking this too much. 

He must’ve looked a little lost in thought because Esther touched his arm. “I’m sorry if I overstepped.”

“S’alright. Don’t worry about it.” He waved her off. “It’s nice of you to take an interest. Kid needs good people in her life.”

“You two going out on site today?” she asked and Joel shook his head. Esther and Sue were good friends, so she tended to be in the know about the goings on at the construction site. They were just getting back from an early morning patrol through the Wilson Valley: buttcrack of dawn early. That was the only reason Joel’s current absence wasn’t noted as suspicious by his daughter. 

Right after a patrol was the most convenient time to step away. Ellie was at home sleepin’, though even if she weren’t, Joel wouldn’t risk pulling this kind of shit at his own house. He’d explained to Esther real early on that he and Ellie had virtually no boundaries. If a door was closed, she’d walk in without even thinking to knock. Sometimes he still caught the girl waiting for him outside the bathroom.

He also just plain wasn’t going to bring a woman into the same bed he slept in with a traumatized fifteen-year-old girl. Course he didn’t tell Esther that part.  

Isaac on the other hand did not sleep in his mother’s bed, that he knew of anyways—and spent many nights away from home, leaving their house empty, which made her place a more convenient location.

“Naw. I’ll probly stop in later, but Ellie’s gotta go see that Firefly doctor at the clinic. They’re doin’ some follow up tests after her last visit, makin’ sure she’s good and recovered from her sickness over the winter.”

“What was wrong with her?”

“It’s a long story,” he sighed. It wasn’t one he wanted to relive twice in the same day, and he was already weighed down by the knowledge of what was to come. No matter what, this was going to devolve into an argument between Joel and the doctor, or Joel and Marlene—Maybe with Tommy or Ellie herself if he was extra lucky. Point is he was gonna be arguing with someone about it in the next couple hours, so why start now?

“One day I’ll get you to tell me why you brought that girl all the way to Utah from Boston just to end up back in Wyoming,” she jested, but didn’t push for any further details, for which Joel was grateful. That was the nice thing about Esther. She was interested in his life, but didn’t demand he share with her like she might if they were in a more serious relationship.

“How about you? You off to the farm after this?” he asked, turning things back around to her.

“No,” she smiled. “Not today. My son pinkie swore that if I let him sleep at Jesse’s last night, he’d come home and have lunch with me, so I’m making fried chicken and cornbread. Something we used to do together as a family,” she added with a frown. “Of course it was Byron who made the cornbread, so I’ll have to try and remember how he did it.” 

Byron was Esther’s late husband. From what he’d gathered through their conversations, the man had been a soft spoken, brown-nosing, nerd type. The complete opposite of Joel, which he suspected was intentional on her part. The couple had been together since before the outbreak and hadn’t ever planned on having kids, which was why they just had the one.

“Cornbread,” he hummed. “That’s somethin’ I don’t think Ellie’s ever had. Wonder if Tommy knows how to make it— Why don’t you pass along that recipe when you’re done with it and I’ll put him to the test?” 

“I’ll do ya one better— I’ll save her a piece and you can see if she likes it first.” Esther winked, putting a hand on his waist to pass him in the bedroom door frame. “I think you’ve earned it.”

“Damn. Never thought I’d resort to sellin’ my body to feed my kid,” he laughed, then followed her out. 

“Careful there, big guy. I might start taking back payment on all that farm fresh produce.” Joel just snorted; he could do back payment. He reckoned he didn’t mind the sounds of that one bit if he were honest.

Ellie played with his watch when she was nervous. It was something he’d noticed about her since they’d become closer. She would circle the shattered face with the tips of her fingers, run her nails along the band. Right now, she was squinting, trying to decipher what time the thing was stuck at. “10:11—” he answered for her.

“Oh. AM or PM?” 

“PM.” Boy had he ever been pissed the night it broke. Joel would rather Ellie remain naive to the damage he’d caused the poor son-of-a-bitch who cracked it. Guy died two days later from injuries sustained. Tommy was left with a nasty bruise and a couple dislocated ribs just from trying to pull him off the motherfucker. He didn’t want her to know that either; she loved his brother too much. 

The little girl went back to tracing the frame with her pointer, none the wiser. “That guy’s name is David—” Ellie said after another few minutes, drawing his attention to a kid sitting in the clinic waiting room across from them with her outstretched foot. He was Black, in his mid-twenties if Joel had to guess, with short cornrows and what appeared to be a broken hand.

Didn’t take a genius to figure out where that little comment came from, but Joel was trying not to play into her fears, so he slung his non-watch arm around the back of her chair and hummed out an, “I see—” Then he changed the subject, saying exactly what he needed to say to get her both distracted and riled up. “You still wanna go out for a spin on Sparkles after this?” 

“It’s Shimmer.” Ellie glared. 

“Shimmer,” he repeated. “Right—sorry.” Joel knew the animal’s name. How could he forget? It wasn’t the name he’d been expecting her to give the chestnut mare. He’d been anticipating something space themed, like Venus, or Luna, or maybe something a little more out there: Bellatrix, Nebula, maybe Leia like the Star Wars character on her new poster. But apparently, Shimmer was the name of her Dungeons and Dragons persona. Joel supposed all kids had to have a pet with a weird name at some point in their lives; Sarah had a hamster called Harry Potter for a while when she was six. Ellie was just starting out a little later than other kids. 

Joel kept her down the path of distraction. “Why don’t you ask Dina if she wants to join us? Or you could go just the two of you, if you’d prefer…” he trailed off.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she demanded.

“Just that I know you like spendin’ quality time with her.” He was teasing on purpose. Joel knew she liked Dina; he was pretty sure she knew she liked Dina now too, and even though he still feared his baby girl getting caught up in some sort of disastrous love triangle, it was fun to see her act like a normal teenager for a change, awkward and embarrassed instead of working herself into a knot.

“I hate you.” Ellie grumped, slouching in the chair, arms crossed tightly over her chest, covering that little silver rocket ship around her neck. The one she hadn’t taken off since yesterday.

“You sure are cute when you’re mad.”

“Joel—” She was just about to give him a piece of her mind when Dr. Anderson stepped into the waiting area to collect them. Her demeanor shifted in an instant, the girl’s mood switching from brash and irritated to the same endearing shyness from the hospital. Smaller and younger; her body seemed to shrink inside the too-large gray sweatshirt.

Doctor Chang, who was both Jesse’s dad and one of two physicians that worked in the Jackson clinic, roamed the halls, in and out of patient rooms. He waved at Ellie and nodded at Joel as they passed, but didn’t stop to chat. Joel appreciated the distance. Ellie was already jittery enough. As far as the other Jackson professionals knew, she was receiving follow up care for a past illness, and Doctor Anderson was a family friend who wanted to continue caring for her himself.

He wasn’t surprised to find Marlene waiting for them in the office at the end of the hall; a little more surprising was the presence of his brother. Tommy stood next to the Firefly woman with his arms crossed, a smile on his face as they chatted back and forth. Joel wasn’t sure if the boy was dropped on his head one too many times as a kid or if he got off on the idea of provoking his wife, but in either case, he wished Tommy would go somewhere else. Today was about Ellie, not his infatuation with the fucking Boston bomber.

This was the first time Joel had seen the Firefly leader up close since her arrival and it took a mighty effort to suppress the sound of Ellie’s broken cries out on the porch the other night. The heartbreaking way her body shook when she told him it’s like she was born to be raped that first night in Jackson. Jesus Christ, he really could kill this woman if only the Lord gave him the opportunity— if only he could do it without further traumatizing Ellie, without her thinking his actions were her fault. 

“There’s our girl—” Marlene interrupted his fantasy. “How’s it going, Joel?” she tested the waters.

He limited his response to the stiff inclination of his neck in her direction. 

There were five of them crammed into the small room, and he could practically feel the vibration of Ellie’s pulse in the air. Watched the way she skirted around the edges of the room to stand beside him, avoiding the elevated bed at all costs. Everyone in the space took turns greeting her in some way, shape, or form— and she didn’t respond to any of it, but none of them seemed to notice how uncomfortable she was, too caught up in their own conversations. 

“Why don’t you have a seat for me, Ellie?” the doc asked, patting the crinkly paper on top of the exam table. 

“Um—” 

This was fucking ridiculous. “Alright,” Joel said loudly to get their attention. “I think we’re all pretty aware of the situation here; can we get a little privacy?” he snapped, sending a glare his brother’s way.

“Joel!” Ellie hissed, her cheeks flushing crimson, horrified by his outburst, but he ignored the childish reprimand, turned to her and in the same strict tone said, “No—There’s no excuse, kiddo. We’re settin’ a boundary here and now. You, me and the doc; that’s it.”

“I’m sorry, honey,” Tommy said, lookin’ guilty as sin as he mussed Ellie’s ponytail. “I’ll get outta your hair. I’ve got myself a hot date with my beautiful wife and the bullet inventory list anyways.” He winked, then clapped him on the shoulder with an apologetic frown as he left.

Joel didn’t honestly believe his brother meant to come off the way he was with Marlene. The boy was nostalgic as shit, always had been. Contrary to his own preferences, Tommy enjoyed a good trip down memory lane, but he was gonna need to tread a little lighter if he wanted to avoid a showdown, both with Maria, and with Ellie whose pretty green eyes were narrowed at his back, a newfound distrust in her gaze. 

Marlene, unlike Tommy, was capable of resisting the kid’s upset face; she didn’t budge from her place by the pale pink filing cabinet in the corner. “I’m more than happy to step out for the exam, but I’m going to come back in after. I’d like to make sure we’re all on the same page here…” she trailed off. “Is that alright with you, Ellie?”

She nodded. 

And so it begins. The conniving bitch knew damn well the girl wasn’t gonna tell her no. “Why do I need an exam?” Ellie asked when the Firefly leader stepped out and it was just the three of them in the small doctor’s office. Joel gave her props for her stoicism in the face of what he recognized as apprehension in her tone. 

“It’s nothing major,” the doc reassured. “I’d just like to check and make sure there’s been no progression of your CBI over the past few months. I’m going to check your vitals, then I’ll look for some common signs that your body is fighting an infection. Eventually, I’d like to get you back to St. Mary’s to do some more scans, but that can wait.”

“Oh—ok.” Ellie looked up at him for confirmation. This wasn’t gonna be made any easier if he started throwin’ punches at the mere suggestion of a physical exam, so Joel backed off and nodded. “Go on.” He nudged her toward the exam table with his eyes.

She moved in slow motion, but eventually got herself situated enough for the doctor to continue. Dr. Anderson had a clipboard out; he was poised with questions. “How about you start by telling me if there’ve been any changes in your health since you left the hospital? Have you had anymore UTI infections? Or anything else you needed to take medicine for?”

Ellie shook her head. “No. I feel fine.”

Joel cleared his throat. “She did start her period last month,” he informed the man, who scribbled something down on his paper. “That’s good to hear,” the doc commented, pretending not to notice the rustle of paper on the bed as Ellie squirmed in place. “Was it a lot of blood? A little? Have you had a second one or just the first?”

That was way too many embarrassing questions all wrapped into one. He didn’t have a hope of getting a response from the girl, and Ellie was already sending him panicked glances from across the room, so Joel took over. “It was pretty heavy; she was bleedin’ for a good few days. Hasn’t gotten another one since.”

“Alright.” He wrote that down, still talking directly to Ellie. “That’s normal. It usually takes the body a couple months, even a couple years sometimes to get into a regular cycle— Besides when you were on your period, have you been having any pain in your pelvic area? Any abnormal discharge? Or the— gross stuff from before?” the doc corrected himself, remembering the words she’d used last time. 

“No,” Ellie cringed again.

“Good. Now I want you to listen carefully to all these symptoms and tell me if you’ve been experiencing any of them at any time. We’ve got nausea— vomiting— headache— fever—feeling tired or fatigued—pain or discomfort anywhere in your body—or any rashes on your skin—”

Joel was paying close attention just in case Ellie wasn’t, but his daughter answered with more ease this time. “I get headaches sometimes but mostly like, from dehydration or being out in the sun for too long. And my chest hurts a lot now…” She looked away.

His lips turned down. Ellie had never once complained of chest pain. “Do you mean when you breathe?” Joel asked before the doctor could, and she turned red again and shook her head. “No—” she whined. “Like the outside.” 

Ah. That makes more sense. “I think that’s normal for a girl your age.” He shot her what he hoped was a comforting look. “Ain’t that right, doc?” 

“Very normal,” he confirmed. “All part of growing up. How about pain around your bite area? Any swelling? Numbness? Burning? Oozing?”

“I don’t really notice it…” she shrugged. “Sometimes it gets a bit numb or tingly.”

“Do you mind if I—?” he asked, moving a little closer. Ellie rolled up her sleeve and offered her arm out. The doctor took the delicate limb in his hands with gentle fingers, then poked and prodded at the jagged, blistered tooth marks for a few minutes. “Doesn’t look like it’s changed at all. That’s a good sign. Now lastly— I’d like to do an examination of your lymph nodes, just to make sure your body’s not hiding the infection somewhere deep inside. But that exam is a little more invasive. I’ll need to touch you in a couple spots that might be uncomfortable, but I promise it won’t take very long.”

She swallowed. “Ok.” Joel wanted to intervene; he wanted to tell the doctor where he could shove it, but this was all about consent. Ellie gave permission, and he ought to respect that. He almost threw that sentiment out the window when the man asked her to take off her sweater; her fingers trembled as she pulled the cotton material over her head. But he bit his tongue. 

Ellie had on her gray bra that Maria helped her pick out. She’d been wearing bras now consistently since she got her period and he was glad of it, if not just for this moment. Joel didn’t want this doctor lookin’ at her any more than she did. He started by listening to her heartbeat, then asked her to lay down and put her arms over her head. Already not her favorite position, but she obeyed, holding her breath all the while. After that, the man proceeded with what appeared to be sanctioned child molestation as he dug his fingers into the spaces between her armpits and her breasts.

He let his hands migrate up to her neck and throat, massaging the junction under her jawline." Ellie squeezed her eyes shut and Joel tried to block out all images of the last time someone's hands had been around her throat like that. When he was done, the doc told her to put her sweater back on— “We’re almost finished.” He smiled neutrally. “The last spot I need to feel is right in that crease between your thigh and your pelvis, so I need you to pull your pants down just a little bit; you don’t have to take off your underwear.”

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. But Ellie was real pliant, dazed almost in the same way she had been in the weeks after Colorado as she shimmied the black tights a few inches down her thighs.

Joel couldn’t watch as Dr. Anderson pressed along the outside of her underwear line. It evoked too much familiar anger. The exam was over quickly, just like he’d said it would be, and by the time Marlene made her way back into the room, Ellie was dressed and curled up against the wall, resting her chin between her knees in a protective curl.

“Everything looks good. You seem to be healthy as a horse, young lady. You’ve gained some weight, you’ve got your color back. Doesn’t look like you’re any taller, but there’s still time for that. I see no reason why we can’t move forward with the next phase of our trials.”

Joel tensed. “Now you can talk to me,” he said.

“Do you want the good news or the slightly less good news first?” The doc humored him, winking at Ellie, who was in the middle of chewing off the end of her thumbnail.

“I ain’t gonna play games. I wanna know what you’re plannin’, and what good it’s gonna do compared to the harm you people have already done.” He worked to keep a lid on his temper. 

“No more brain surgery,” Marlene reassured, holding out a hand in an effort to keep him calm. “There’s no difference between the CBI in Ellie’s brain and the CBI in the brain of an infected person.”

“She’s right,” Doctor Anderson said. He picked up a large manila envelope full of papers and opened it to a spot in the middle. “We’ve isolated Ellie’s immunity to her own unique reticuloendothelial system or RES, her bone marrow. We had great success with the sample we were able to collect several months ago, and what I’m asking now, is that you allow us to take another bone marrow sample, and to return each month for approximately three retrieval cycles so we can keep testing those cells.”

“So, another giant needle in my ass?” Ellie asked.

“Another giant needle in your ass,” the Firefly woman confirmed with a fond smile. “Jerry’s made some real progress honey. I’d say we have reason to feel optimistic.”

“Joel?” she turned to him and he let out a long, slow sigh. He didn’t like it. But he wasn’t gonna stop her. Her body, her choice—to a point. And at the end of the day, he was powerless against that innocent, budding hope in her eyes. Gone was the wriggling unease from before. Ellie was no longer fidgeting; she was staring straight ahead. She was thinking of Riley, and Tess— Of Sam— And who was he to stand in the way of something relatively harmless, that made her feel powerful? Made her feel good…

“Whatever you want, kiddo,” he said, both parties knowing damn well it wasn’t whatever she wanted, but something along the lines of— As long as it doesn’t involve dissecting more of your brain, baby girl.  

She beamed at him, then turned to the doc. “Is that medical file about me?” Ellie was looking at the yellow folder in his hands.

“It is. It’s a record of your condition since Joel first brought you into St. Mary’s.”

“Can I see it?”

That didn’t seem like a good idea. “Ellie— Baby you don’ wanna see that. There’s gonna be things in there you don’t wanna read.”

He should’ve kept his mouth shut and let the doc make his own excuse, cos as soon as Joel told her it was a bad idea, that was when it became the best idea in the world in her mind. “Please?” She held out her hands, her grin turning into a defiant glare as she made eye contact with him. Dr. Anderson complied, albeit a little reluctantly, passing her the notes. There’s a lot of big terminology in there— If there’s something you don’t understand—”

“What’s HCG?” she asked, already two steps ahead of him.

“An HCG test is a pregnancy test,” the doc replied. “You had a total of four negative HCG tests done at the hospital. Two urine and two blood.”

She didn’t react. “What about GBS?” Ellie had a wall of curiosity up which appeared to be blocking out some of the negative emotions strong enough to send her spiralling on a normal day. She was a science geek at heart. “It says positive for GBS…” 

Shit. There was one key thing he’d forgotten would show up on any lab reports—

“That stands for Group B Streptococcus, which is the bacteria that caused your UTI,” he explained, his tone patient and kind. Joel experienced a moment of relief, which was squashed almost immediately by Ellie’s next question. “And how about Neiss—eria—gonorr—hoeae?” she had to sound out the long binomial word, but it was clear from the name that Joel was about to be in for a world of hurt.

Oh yeah, this ain’t gonna be pretty. 

Chapter Text

There was a knock at the door and Joel sighed and set his coffee down on the counter before moving to answer it. Esther stood in the frame, a small Tupperware in hand, natural smile on her face. She wore a blue flannel with a pair of old, worn-out jeans, her ponytail messier now, symbolic of what seemed to be a relaxed, happy mood.

“Evening,” she said.

He suppressed a grimace. “Howdy.”

“Rough day?” she asked, seeing through his short reply right away.

“Somethin’ like that.”

“Well— I won’t trouble you for long. I just brought a piece of cornbread by for Ellie; you can give it to her later if she’s busy—” She made to hand it to him, but Joel stepped back and waved her through. “C’mon in—  Might be a good excuse to get her to come down. She’s been hidin’ in her room all day.” It was worth a shot.

He left Esther sitting on the edge of the dining table and trekked upstairs, rapping his knuckles on his daughter’s closed bedroom door. “Ellie—” When she didn’t respond, he knocked again and turned the knob. The girl was laying on her side on top of the purple comforter, eyes open, staring at the blank cork board on her wall. “Go away, Joel.”

“Come downstairs for a minute; I have a surprise for you.” He tried to sound ambiguous, to get her intrigued.

“I don’t want a surprise.”

“It’ll be quick,” Joel attempted to reassure her, but she was NOT in the mood. “I said, I don’t want a surprise!” She sat up and raised her voice before he had a chance to warn her to keep it down. “I want to know what the hell is going on inside my own body! Like if I have a fucking sex disease!”

“You don’t have a sex disease,” he reasoned. “You had a sexually transmitted infection, but—” 

“Get out!” Ellie screamed and got off the bed just to slam the door in his face. Joel thumped the back of his head against the wall in the hallway and he leaned into it for a minute, running his hands over his face.

She’d been like this all afternoon. He should’ve just told her that Esther was downstairs with cornbread instead of trying to play games. 

When he descended the stairs again, Esther was trying to appear inconspicuous, arms crossed, staring fixed at one of the horse paintings on the wall. The expression ‘twiddling her thumbs,’ came to mind. “She ain’t comin’ down.” He winced.

“Yeah, I got that,” the woman frowned sympathetically, then her face switched into one of concern and she gentled her tone. “Does she have HIV… or hepatitis or something?” she asked. “Is that why she needed the follow up care? Why she’s so small?”

That was a fucking terrifying thought, one that just as easily could’ve been their reality. Joel found it hard to control the defensiveness that rose within him, working to restrain his tone as he leveled his voice. “No. Ellie’s fine; healthy as a horse accordin’ to the doctor.” He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “She had gonorrhea a few months back, but it was cured before we ever left the hospital. We— meanin’ myself, the doc, and Marlene made the decision not to tell her— But she looked at her medical records today at the clinic and asked about it.”

“Sounds like you were just trying to protect her.”

“Always am,” he sighed. “But she don’t see it like that and this ain’t the first time we’ve concealed medical shit from her, so she’s mad— Can’t really blame her. She’ll come out of it.” Though Joel couldn’t bring himself to regret not telling her about the pregnancy testing at the hospital. She didn’t need to be worryin’ about that while they waited for results, and the girl didn’t even know what gonorrhea was before this afternoon. Some things were better left unsaid and he wished Doctor Anderson ascribed to the same philosophy. 

Esther didn’t seem to have any further response to that. She nodded along in acknowledgment, then set the Tupperware down on the counter. “Will I see you two at the church tomorrow night?” There would be a little shin-dig in the hall the following evening, a games night, something Maria said they tried to do at least a few times a year, to get everyone together, give the kids a bit of fun. 

“Yeah, I reckon we’ll be there,” he said. Then, as the woman made to leave, he stopped her with a hand on her elbow. “Your boy manage to behave himself over lunch?”

“He did. It was nice; we talked about his dad a little, and there was a moment where I thought I caught a glimpse of the old him…” She stared off into the distance wistfully.

“Guess we’ll see.” 

When Esther left, Joel went back upstairs to take a shower. He knocked on Ellie’s bedroom door again and just like the first time, he got no answer. To be safe, he poked his head into the room. She was asleep, curled up on top of the blankets still wearing her clothes, the sketch book Tommy gave her clutched in her hand. There were pencils and eraser shavings strewn next to her pillow. 

Well— Pissing her off was one way to get her to sleep in her own bed. Not that he minded having her next to him. In fact, as Joel knelt down to kiss the side of her head, he was surprised to feel a bruising loss behind his ribcage. 

He squashed the ache down almost as quickly as it appeared. Joel didn’t need to be the reason she resisted what he’d always known would be a natural transition. Resigned to the fact that his baby girl was growing up, he turned off her light, and took his shower. Then, when he was done, he clicked open her door again and did the same thing to his own, so the beds were visible if either party looked out into the hall. In the end, he wasn’t sure whether that was for his own peace of mind or for Ellie’s. 

Neither one of them mentioned the new sleeping arrangements in the morning, though Ellie seemed to be in a better mood when she woke up. She came down the stairs and walked straight into his arms, squeezing him around the middle as hard as she could. “I’m still mad at you,” she mumbled into his shirt. 

“Thas’ alright,” he reassured and returned the gesture, rocking them a little the way he knew she liked. “You sure you wanna go through with this whole bone marrow thing? You know I have no problem tellin’ ‘em to fuck off. Tommy’ll have my back.”

She huffed and pulled away. “Tommy likes Marlene. He won’t tell her to fuck off.”

“Oh yes he will. Wanna know why?”

Ellie glared at him.

“He likes you more,” Joel said, thumbing her chin. “You don’t need to worry about Tommy,” he continued. “My cause is my family now… Thas’ what he says. Trust me when I tell you he’s just reminiscing. He don’t want nothin’ to do with your Queen Firefly, and if you want her gone, we’ll get her gone.” 

“No— I’ll do the retrieval,” Ellie sighed. “It’s not so bad. But tomorrow— after the games night, right?”

Joel nodded. “Wouldn’t want you to miss out on your chance to see Dina.” 

“Shut up.” Her scowl deepened, but the corners of her mouth turned up; she was fighting a smile. 

The church hall was crowded, and Joel wasn’t sure how he ended up sitting at a table with his brother, Maria, Marlene, Eugene, Esther, Sue, and Doctor Anderson while Ellie was off to the side playin’ darts with her friends. Joel was grateful that Tommy wasn’t forcing him eat his words and seemed to have smartened up by now, his arm around his wife, face nuzzling into the side of her neck affectionately. 

Esther, Sue, and Eugene sat to his immediate left, and the doc and Marlene were across from them. Joel couldn’t help but notice that the surgeon appeared perfectly comfortable with the fact that his own fifteen-year-old daughter had skipped out on the kids games and was off cavorting with another member of the Salt Lake crew, some guy who had to be in his early twenties: Owen, if he’d heard the name right. Joel couldn’t imagine letting Ellie run around with someone that much older. Guy or girl, it wasn’t right. But to each their own, he supposed.

“I don’t see why there’s a need for kids to go out on patrol in the first place—” Esther was arguing with Eugene. “I know Isaac isn’t going out when he turns sixteen. He can wait.”

“You might be surprised,” Eugene said back. “Some kids really rise to the occasion, like Jesse. A little bit of responsibility is good for their self esteem.”

“Yeah, till they slip up and get themselves killed.” She crossed her arms.

Sue cleared her throat. “I think that’s why it’s up to each individual parent.” She tried to settle the woman. “Take Ellie for example: she’s got a lot of experience already, she’s comfortable killing infected, and I think we’ve all seen how quick her reflexes are…” The woman was referring to the time Ellie fucked up that Darin kid's face on the construction site. 

“Psh. Don’t tell me you’re planning to let Ellie patrol next year—” Esther turned to him, an incredulous look on her face. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you let that girl out of your sight for more than a couple hours.” 

“Ellie ain’t goin’ on patrol next year,” Tommy butted in. “We’re not that desperate.”

“Now hold on,” Joel held up a hand. “I ain’t sayin’ I want her out with just anyone, but I don’t see why she couldn’t start out slow on the odd route, with me, or with you—” He nodded toward his brother. “Eugene’s right about buildin’ the kids’ confidence. I don’t want her to get so comfortable she forgets there’s any danger to begin with.”

Marlene had largely stayed out of their conversation about patrols, preferring to whisper back and forth with the doctor on the other side of the table, but now that Ellie was the topic of discussion, she had no problem jumping in. “I think Joel’s right. She needs a healthy dose of fear to remind her what’s out there, so she doesn’t get reckless. That girl has a knack for getting herself into trouble. You know her and her little friend used to run around setting off smoke bombs all around Boston just to disperse the soldiers so we could escape?” the woman asked, and Joel snorted. No—He hadn’t known that. But he wasn’t surprised.

“Abby does some patrolling around the Salt Lake area, usually as part of a group,” the doc informed them. “She knows I trust her to make smart decisions and so far she hasn’t made me regret it.” His opinion didn’t help prove Joel's point, considering the other shit this supposedly brilliant doctor let his teenage daughter get away with, but he wasn’t gonna call the guy out in the middle of a discussion. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Esther pushed her chair back. “I can’t believe you'd agree to this.” She was looking at Joel again. 

He didn’t get the chance to answer before Maria set her hands down on the table to get their attention. “Take it easy, Esther. No one’s agreeing to anything right now. What we have been tossing around is the idea of implementing something like what Doctor Anderson said: group patrols, for the teens, or anyone who isn’t confident in their abilities yet. They’d go out in teams of 3-5 with at least two experienced adults with them at all times…”

The conversation was cut short by a squeal from across the hall. “Ellie Miller, you give that back!” Dina shrieked, and suddenly his daughter was barreling toward him, her eyes sparkling with laughter. “Joel! Hide this— Please, I’m begging you.” She thrust one of the darts into his waiting hand.

“Uh—”

“It’s Dina’s lucky dart,” she explained. “I’m totally fucking losing and—”

“Ellie—” Marlene addressed the girl, her mouth set in a frown. Her attention had gone from half in the conversation, to solely on Ellie. “Honey, did you change your name?” The woman looked like she was trying and failing to hide her shock. 

The little girl froze with panic, a deer in the headlights as her eyes darted to Joel then back to Marlene. They’d never had a conversation about this either. The whole table watched the interaction with an awkward anticipation. “Um…” Ellie trailed off. Dina came up behind her, her face falling as she took in the silence, and Joel couldn’t watch his little girl struggle for words any longer. He leaned back and said, “I asked Ellie to take my name. Figured it’d make the most sense. That there’d be fewer questions.” 

Small fingers gripped his bicep as he spoke, and he reached up to pat her hand. He tried to communicate with the touch that despite the growing horror on the Firefly leader’s face, she wasn’t in trouble, that everything would be alright. Marlene’s brows knitted together, her nails scraping against the wood. “You know… your mom gave you her name for a reason. That’s what she wanted you to be called. It’s your last connection to her; I’m surprised you’re so willing to throw it away after everything she sacrificed for you.”

“Don’t fucking bring her into this,” Ellie snapped. She was so quick to react, embarrassed to be caught vulnerable, and still wound up from the revelation at the clinic the other day. It was like she’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Don't even try to tell me that my mother gave a shit about my name. That she gave a shit about me. She didn’t want me in the first place. And why would she?” Her voice was low and angry. “Joel's the only person in my whole life that’s ever showed up for me no matter what. The only person that’s ever cared enough to stick around— So, yeah, if I want to call myself Ellie Miller, I’m gonna fucking call myself Ellie Miller—”

“Ellie—” Dina hissed. “Calm down, ok?” The other girl was looking at her friend like she had a deep understanding of what Ellie was going through, like maybe she was privy to more information than she was letting on. 

“Your mother died." Marlene's distress was evident as she spoke. "She didn’t leave you. It wasn’t some choice she made.” The woman was revving up now, clutching the table. Joel had to admit that the Firefly leader had a point, but he also knew where this was coming from. How Ellie thought about the circumstances surrounding her birth, and he couldn't help but put that blame back onto Marlene. "I did the best I could with the tools I had. I put you in school after school trying to find one where you wouldn’t get yourself thrown out— Where was Joel then? Huh? Where was he when you were getting knocked around in the school yard, or sneaking into abandoned malls with Riley—?” 

“Alright, that’s enough.” Joel stood up. Bringing up Riley’s death was a sure fire way to hurt his daughter and Marlene had to know that. He took Ellie’s shoulders and tried to guide her away, but she shrugged him off. Tommy stood up with him. “Whatever this is, I don’t think we need to have this conversation here,” his brother said, but the Firefly leader was already opening her mouth again. “Joel wasn’t able to protect you any better than I was and you know it. At the end of the day, you were hurt under his care. You almost died under his care— Not mine.”

“Woah—Woah—Woah…Now wait just a minute—“ Esther did a full one-eighty back to his side, staring wide eyed at Marlene like she couldn’t believe anyone would go there. He was hoping Ellie was distracted enough to miss the fact that the woman seemed to know what that little comment was referencing. 

“Jesus Christ—” Tommy swore. “Get her out of here,” he said to Doctor Anderson, who looked like he would do just about anything to save face at this point. It wasn’t just their table that was looking now. The entire back half of the room had their eyes on the scene. 

“I hate you,” Ellie spat, and it wasn’t Joel but Maria who stepped in then. “Ellie— hey—” She cupped the little girl’s face. “Hey— Look at me.” Ellie struggled for a second, but relented once she realized the woman wasn’t letting go. “Take a walk, sweetheart. You let the grown ups sort this one out.”

“Fine. Fuck." Ellie turned to go, yanking her arm away from Joel, who tried to stop and ask where she was going. Dina got in front of him when his daughter slammed the church doors behind her. “I can go after her, Mr. Miller,” she said.

“Tcht. I appreciate that Dina, but this situation—”

“It’s complicated. I know.” The girl’s voice dropped into a whisper. “Maybe not everything, but I do know who you really are. I know about Boston, and the smuggling, and about what happened to Ellie’s mom… I can talk to her. Just trust me.” The kid was earnest to a fault, and Joel found that despite his reservations, he did trust her.

“Alright. Thanks, kiddo,” he frowned. He was surprised but not shocked, trying to convey his gratitude while simultaneously watching his brother ask Marlene to leave the hall. Just when he’d thought this parenting thing was getting a little easier they’d been hit with two curve balls in two days. Joel was exhausted and the fight was only just beginning. 

Chapter Text

With Ellie gone from the hall, Joel was free to follow Marlene down the steps of the church, an action that sent both Tommy and Maria hurtling after him. “I want you out of this town,” he growled, stepping into her space, close enough that he towered over her—fists clenched tightly by his side. There was no mistaking the threat in his posture, but Marlene didn’t cower; instead, she straightened her spine and doubled down. “I get that you love her Joel, and if you want to walk around telling everyone she’s your daughter— fine. It’s none of my business. But you can’t erase her past— You can’t steal her mother from her. That’s not fair—”

“That ain’t what he’s doin’,” Tommy said, coming in a little breathless as he joined them about fifteen feet from the sign out front. “He was lyin’ in there, to protect Ellie I’m guessin’— Joel didn’t even know that girl changed her name until after she’d done it,” his brother informed the woman. “Whatever happened to make her decide, she did it for her own reasons, not to please him.”

“Well it didn’t just come out of nowhere,” Marlene shot back. “Maybe you didn’t say it, but the way you act with her: it’s borderline inappropriate Joel— You’re obsessed with that girl and she feeds off it. She’s just a kid, she doesn’t know any better. I bet she’d fall on her knife to protect you. Sometimes I look at you two and wonder if she isn’t just making up this whole Colorado thing with the hunters to cover your ass—”

Joel lost control of his senses then; his vision tinged red and he tasted copper on his tongue. Tommy stepped between them before Joel had the chance to wipe the righteous challenge off this dumb cunt’s face. His brother’s hands flattened against his chest, shoving him back a few steps as he took long, slow breaths, heat and anger swelling behind his ribs. 

“Don’t you ever, ever say something so fucking stupid in front of Ellie—” Tommy said, one hand still on his chest, and the other aimed at Marlene accusingly. “Until you’ve listened to that girl shake and cry, and choke on her own words tryin’ to tell her story— you don’t get to have a say. You don’t get to come into my town and attack my brother, and my niece—”

“And what about the Ellie that I knew before all this, huh? What about her?” Marlene argued back. “That girl was independent, strong, brave to the point of recklessness—”

“And she is still all of those things,” Maria cut her off before the Firefly leader could go any further. She leveled her tone, playing the neutral observer. “But she’s also suffered some serious trauma since then. Of course she’s not going to be the same girl you once knew. Now, I don’t know exactly where all this anger is coming from between you and Ellie— between that girl and her mother, but as adults, I’m sure we’re capable of having a mature conversation about it without throwing nasty accusations in each other’s faces.” 

“Joel?” Maria gazed at him expectantly. He rubbed his hands over his face and nodded, taking a step back from his brother, careful to avoid looking directly at Marlene so as to keep a lid on the rage still bubbling under the surface. Joel sighed. “Ellie’s mother was raped, and that’s how she was conceived.”

“Marlene—” he spat the name out with enough venom to send spittle flying out of his mouth, “—decided that two weeks after Ellie was gang-raped by a pack of savages and left for dead, was a good time to let her know that.”

Tommy exhaled, the troubled expression on his face deepening, and Maria pursed her lips. 

“All I was trying to do was give her someone to relate to; I was trying to connect her to her mother so she wouldn’t feel so alone. To give her some hope after everything she’d been through.”

“Look for the fuckin’ light.” Joel let out a humorless snort. “Well, that ain’t what happened, now is it? All you did was make that little girl hate herself. Ellie can’t possibly imagine why her mother would want the child of her rapist. She thinks she’s some twisted, evil, ripped up thing whose mere presence killed the person who was supposed to love her most— She thinks she’s part of some sick cycle— That she was born to be raped and that everyone around her can see it—”

“Stop,” Marlene held up a hand. “Just stop.” 

Joel was so caught up in the back and forth, in his anger— in the way this woman just refused to take responsibility for her actions, that he didn’t hear the sharp intake of breath from behind the church billboard, and he didn’t see the two teenage girls crouched in its shadow listening with rapt attention and horror to every word they said.

“Oh Ellie,” Dina whispered, more to herself than anything. “Holy shit…I mean holy shit,” she repeated.  

Ellie swallowed the tears burning behind her sinuses. It was one thing to talk about this stuff with Joel in private, in the safety of their home, with his smooth, soothing drawl, in the security of his arms—her big comforter there to hide behind in case it got to be too much. But to hear him lay it all bare right there in front of Marlene, and Tommy, and Maria… 

To hear that horrible, awful word come out of his mouth with such fury, and to be privy to the knowledge that Marlene sometimes didn’t BELIEVE her about David. That she still thought her DAD might be responsible for the most disgusting, fucked up thing that had ever happened to her. That HE gave her that sex disease— All of that on top of the fact that her friend was sitting right next to her, hearing the same things Ellie heard. 

It was too much. It was all too much. 

Her body felt like she’d spent the past hour running from a horde; her muscles were jelly, the lightheaded exhaustion leaving spots in her vision, hands shaking as she struggled against wave after wave of vicious emotion. This wasn’t like telling Tommy. There was no warmth, or love, or relief spreading into the tips of her fingers and toes. There was only cold. Teeth chattering, mind numbing, wintry cold.

“You were raped?” Dina asked softly. 

Ellie shrugged her shoulders. She couldn’t bring herself to say yes, or even to nod an affirmative as she sucked in a ragged breath, then exhaled a shaky one. “I can’t—” The words hitched in her throat. “I can’t talk about it,” she croaked, and once she started she couldn’t stop, the pressure releasing into a single, broken sob. “I don’t know why they all have to talk about it—” Both hands slammed against her mouth to muffle the sound of the cries that followed. She missed the end of their conversation, but everyone else had dispersed, Tommy and Joel in one direction, and Maria and Marlene in the other.

“Hey—” The other girl rolled onto her knees in front of Ellie in the grass. “It’s ok. You don’t have to tell me. I’ll forget I ever heard anything—” she tried to reason, but Ellie just sniffled in response. “Do you want me to go get Joel?” she tried again, putting a firm hand on Ellie’s knee.

She shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose hard to try and put a stop to the tears. “He doesn’t understand," she blurted out without thinking. “He thinks parents just love their kids no matter what because that’s how he feels. I don’t know why, cos he divorced his other daughter’s mom and she left them. She didn’t even want Sarah, so he should know that not all parents are like that.” Ellie could feel herself starting to ramble. “I just wish Marlene would leave me alone. I don’t want to talk about my mother; I don’t want to think about her; I don’t want to be Ellie Williams anymore.”

Dina gnawed on her bottom lip and took a deep breath before speaking. “What was her name? Your mom, I mean.” 

“Anna,” Ellie answered numbly, chewing on the nail attached to her left pointer finger as she stared at her feet. Maybe the other girl didn’t hear her when she said she didn’t want to talk about her mother. When the nail was affixed between her teeth, she switched to rubbing her hands along the tops of her legs, trying to distract herself with the friction. 

“What else do you know about her?” Dina asked.

She shrugged again. “I dunno. She was a nurse; she was twenty-one or twenty-two when she had me. Marlene was her best friend.”

“Is that it?”

“Pretty much,” Ellie sighed; she had to work to keep her face from slipping into a defensive glare. She wanted to ask what the point of this was, but she was trying not to be a bitch considering she made yet another scene at a public gathering tonight and if she kept doing this, pretty soon the whole town was going to think she was crazy. She didn’t want her imaginary Joel to be right about Dina and Jesse; Ellie didn’t want them to stop being her friends. 

It was already bad enough that Dina HEARD what Joel said. That she KNEW. That she was probably PICTURING IT, thinking about how DISGUSTING it was… Looking back on every interaction they’d ever had and coloring it over with this lens of pity. The other girl continued to bite the insides of her cheeks as she mulled over her words, like she was thinking very carefully before saying anything. “So, do you think maybe you’re just putting all your own feelings onto your mom because you don’t know anything about her? 

“What?” Ellie asked. 

Dina took a deep breath and closed her eyes, then opened them with a cautious softness. “Ok— Just tell me if I’m overstepping and I’ll shut up… because I don’t know what it’s like to go through… that,” she avoided saying the R word again, probably due to the look of discomfort on Ellie’s face, “—But I’m guessing you don’t want to have the baby of someone who hurt you, right?”

Ellie swallowed and nodded, gaze still trained on the ground. Her belly ached. 

“But you’re fifteen,” Dina stressed. “You were fourteen. Of course you don’t want to be a mother; we’re still too young to even start thinking about that, so yeah, the idea of it is probably gonna be a lot more overwhelming. And your mom was an adult, with a career and a life before she had you— Maybe she was more prepared. If Marlene was her best friend, don’t you think you should listen to her if she says your mom wanted you?”

She didn’t say anything in response, but it didn’t look like Dina was lost for words yet, because she only paused for a moment before continuing. “And even if you refuse to believe she could love you without hating you too, then the worst you’re left with is a mom like mine." She shrugged. “My mom didn’t want me and I know there’s a part of her that wishes I was never born, but she still loves me. It’s not so bad.” Her friend punched her shoulder with a lighter, more playful energy. “But you’ll never know if you don’t talk about her. Maybe you should ask Marlene.” 

Ellie shot her a look of disquiet. “She doesn’t care about me; she doesn’t even believe me about…” Her eyes watered again. “You heard what she said when she talked about Colorado, and the hunters…She thinks Joel…” She couldn’t even finish the sentence. “I don’t want to talk to her ever again.”

“Yeah, that was fucked up,” she allowed. “But it honestly seems like she’s jealous. I mean damn Ellie, I’m jealous. You and Joel have this connection… I don’t even know how to describe it. I wish I was close with someone like that, and maybe she does too. Or maybe she misses her friend and feels like Joel stole you away. It sounded like she was trying to hurt him, more than she was trying to hurt you.”

In theory that made sense, but Marlene’s words had ripped off a scab that was almost healed, leaving a festering, open sore in its place. She was supposed to be done having evil thoughts about Joel; the matter was closed. They’d talked about it a million times, and yet somehow the Firefly woman brought it all flooding back.

Ellie didn’t really think it would stick around this time; at the end of the day, she had a better handle on what was real and what wasn’t now than she did when they first arrived in Jackson. But what frightened her was how quickly those fears could resurface when called upon. Like it was always bubbling under her skin, waiting to reach the right temperature before it boiled over and exploded. 

“I’m tired of people hurting me," she exhaled. Her voice shook. Dina was still sitting in front of her off to the side, and when Ellie stopped rubbing her legs, the other girl locked one hand with hers. “I’m sorry about what happened to you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she dismissed the comment, an ounce of resolve returning to her tone. “Just… pretend like you never heard, like you said before. I don’t want you to look at me differently.” 

“I won’t,” her friend answered straight away. Ellie pursed her lips and made eye contact with the girl for the first time since this whole thing started.

“Alright, maybe I will a little,” Dina admitted, sucking on her teeth. “But not in a bad way. Listen—” The girl sat up straight and grabbed both of Ellie’s hands now, squeezing them tight. “It didn’t happen to me, but it happened to Talia. And she was the person I loved more than anyone else in the world,” she said. “So, I would never think anything bad about you. I don’t know what Marlene meant about you not being strong, or independent, or brave. I didn’t even know you back in Boston, but I can tell you’re all those things, and the fact that you went through something like that and survived just proves it even more.”

Ellie let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “Ok.” She squeezed Dina's hands back. “Okay,” she said again, more to herself this time, taking a second to process the new information. Dina’s words did make her feel a little better. Ellie wished Talia was alive, both for her friend, but also so that she could have someone in her life who’d been through the same thing, someone to relate to like the Firefly woman said.

“You’re still wearing the necklace,” Dina smiled and changed the subject, letting go of her hand and pointing to the rocket ship around her neck. Ellie touched the pendant and nodded. “I told you; it’s my favorite birthday present.”

“Tommy literally got you a horse,” the girl deadpanned.

“It’s still my favorite.” Ellie shot her a sly grin. “Just don’t tell him that.” 

Dina laughed and it broke some of the tension. “Hey— Do you wanna get out of here?” she offered. “Jesse was making noise about kicking your ass at Catan.” 

She smirked and nodded, settling fully into her relief now that she was sure Dina wasn’t going to make her keep talking. “Psh. He always says that, then he always fucking loses. There’s a reason he likes DMing so much, it’s so he doesn’t have to actually play…” 

Ellie ran into Maria on her way back into the church. The woman didn’t try to bring up any of what happened before, thank God, and she radioed Tommy, who was with Joel, who gave her permission to stay out a little later. Just as she predicted, the game ended with a near tie between Ellie and Isaac, favoring the sullen, brown-haired boy to the most minuet degree, something he was quick to point out. But it was ok, because she still beat Jesse, who came in third, followed by Dina who was only playing because she was peer pressured into it. 

When the night was over; she walked home with her friends. The other three dropped her off first because they were all aware that Joel had intense paranoia about Ellie being out alone at night— and when she waved goodbye and approached the porch, her dad was sitting on one of the two wooden outdoor chairs, plucking away at the guitar strings to a tune she wasn’t familiar with. “Hey kiddo,” he said when she joined him, crossing her legs at his feet.

“Hi.”

He leaned the guitar against the side of the house and patted his lap; Ellie climbed into the familiar embrace. She’d had all these big plans for when she got home; she was going to get mad at him for saying those things to Marlene, for telling everyone about her private feelings; for the fact that he’d forced her to talk to Dina about David, and told Tommy and Maria about what her biological father did. But now that she was actually here, she didn’t feel like doing any of it anymore. 

There was nothing left to say. She wasn’t mad at him, not really; she was mad at herself. None of this would’ve happened if she hadn’t lost control and yelled at Marlene.

“You still up for the big needle in the mornin’?” he asked, and Ellie nodded into his neck. They were no longer sleeping in the same bed, so she had to get her Joel fix where she could. “Will you lay with me till I fall asleep?” she asked, walking her fingers across his chest. His chin bobbed against the top of her head. “If that’s what you want, baby girl.”

Today was weird, and even though all this business with the Firefly leader had thrown her through a loop, she was grateful for her dad; grateful for Tommy who had defended her so passionately, and Maria who always seemed to know what she needed. But most of all, she was grateful that even though Dina saw her at her worst, they’d come out of it stronger. Ellie’s past hadn’t scared her off, instead, it felt like their friendship was sturdier. Like nothing, not Ellie’s quick temper, or her stupid little crush, or the fact that Dina was dating Jesse, could come between them. 

Chapter Text

“Now son, if anything happens with Ellie, you run over and you get Tommy or Maria, nobody else, not even Dr. Chang if he’s who you see first—” Joel instructed. Isaac ignored the request and started flipping through one of Ellie’s comic books that was sitting on the coffee table.

“Isaac,” Esther warned. “Will you please respond when someone is speaking to you?”

“Whatever. Yes— I will.” He didn’t look up from the book. The woman sighed and glanced at Joel apologetically. 

“It’s only a few hours. I can take care of myself,” Ellie informed them, and Joel flattened his lips into a thin line. “I mean it, little lady. If you start feelin’ off, you go get my brother. He ain’t far.”

“Yessir.” She saluted.

“We’ll try not to be too long.” Esther smiled at her.

“Yeah, I bet you will,” Isaac grumbled, and his mother pretended like he hadn’t spoken and turned back to Ellie. “Of course I’ll be lucky if I don’t twist another ankle. Cowgirl’s due for a trim, so they’ve got me riding Bullseye today,” she sighed. Bullseye was a semi-recent acquisition to the herd, just before Church and Shimmer, and he was known as one of the more temperamental horses, even more so than Esther’s regular mount.

“Why don’t you get Joel to switch with you?” Ellie asked. It seemed like the obvious solution. Besides the decade or so he lived in the Boston QZ, her dad had a lot of past experience on horseback; Callus had given them a ton of crap at first and it hadn’t even phased him. He’d be fine on Bullseye; in fact he and Tommy and maybe Eugene were probably the only ones who should be riding the white stallion in the first place. 

“Well now, ain’t that an idea?” Joel smirked and raised an eyebrow at Esther who met his smugness with exasperation, like they’d already had this conversation a few times. 

“Or you can ride Shimmer if you want,” she offered with a shrug. “I don’t mind.” Ellie’s horse was incredibly well-broke for such a young mare, something that she was sure had been purposeful on Tommy’s part. She was calm, steady, and very sensitive to commands, and it wasn’t like Ellie could ride her today anyways, not with a bruise the size of Texas on her lower back. 

“Oh, that’s alright honey—” Esther started, but Joel dismissed her with a wave of his hand. Ellie wouldn’t offer unless she meant it, and he knew that. “S’real nice of you, kiddo; appreciate it.” He bent down to plant a whiskery beard kiss in her hair. “Remember what I said about Tommy.”

“Yes, I KNOW. I’m not a baby,” she sighed, the sound accompanied by an eye roll. Joel gave her a fond smile and she could almost hear the silent reply of, “Well, you’re my baby,” that usually followed that particular declaration. He was trying not to embarrass her in front of her friend, which she appreciated. Not that Isaac didn’t know she was an insufferable daddy’s girl already at this point. 

“Please try to behave yourself,” Esther whispered to Isaac, who ignored her again. She didn’t kiss his head. When the patrol partners were gone from the house, Ellie let out a huff and kicked the throw blanket off her lap. “What’s your problem?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he glared back, keeping his head down and silent as he continued to feign reading.

“Well, I’m bored. I don’t wanna just sit here all day.”

“Shouldn’t you take it easy? What’s wrong with you anyways?” His eyes narrowed with suspicion. 

“Nothing,” Ellie snorted, mimicking his own short reply. “Wanna talk about it?” she offered.

“Not unless you answer my question,” he shot back. She leaned into the arm of the couch and winced at the ache that traveled up her spine as a result. “Let’s see… I was bitten by a runner last year and it turns out I’m immune to the Cordyceps virus—” she explained, “—Joel took me to a hospital in Salt Lake City, and Doctor Anderson has been experimenting on me ever since; he came here to take more of my bone marrow to study.”

“Hey— Fuck you,” Isaac lashed out at her with his foot. “You’re so annoying.”

“I’m telling the truth,” she laughed. 

“Whatever, Ellie.”

They sat in silence for long moments, then Isaac put the comic down, stretched his legs out and cleared his throat. “You know they’re fucking, right?” His eyes trailed the path Joel and Esther took when they left. A deep discomfort made itself at home in the pit of her stomach at his question, like someone was mixing her insides with a wooden spoon. “Shut up. No they’re not.” 

“Yeah, they are,” he doubled down. “They go on patrol, then they go back to my house and fuck each other's brains out. Teton County: that takes two and a half hours. They’re always gone for at least three and a half. Elk Creek takes less than an hour, but they’re usually back in two… Wilson Valley—”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Ellie cut him off before he could continue. “Those times are only accurate if the routes are all clear. Maybe they’re running into lots of infected.” Isaac raised an eyebrow at her and she glared back, then hid her face in the couch because he wasn’t just joking to get back at her for the immunity thing. He was being serious and she felt like an idiot, because wasn’t it totally fucking obvious?

Esther was the only person Joel spent time with outside of their little family unit, and yeah— their patrols did take a long time, not that she sat and measured how long other people’s took. But there was also the fact that no matter what, Joel always came home and went directly into the shower when he was done, even after an easy route like Elk Creek where he wouldn’t’ve even worked up a sweat—And if she took the time to catalog his behavior, he was usually pretty happy after patrol, more playful, and relaxed and EW— “You like Esther?” That’s what Tommy had asked her on her birthday. Tommy whose favorite pastime was meddling in other people’s love lives… 

Ellie didn’t want to think about Joel having a love life; she didn’t want to think about Joel being anything besides her daddy. Hurt and jealousy turned her eyes greener than they already were, like a little girl who didn’t want to share her favorite toy, and this appeared to be the reaction Isaac was hoping to elicit, because he crossed his arms and leaned back. “I say we make them stop,” he said.

“What do you mean?” she snapped. She was mad at Esther for existing, and mad at Joel for purposefully withholding information from her for the millionth time, but most of all she was mad at Isaac for upsetting her on purpose, for shattering her perfect little illusion of a Joel who didn’t look at women like that, who didn’t WANT that… not just from Ellie, but from ANYONE, because it was gross, and wrong, and evil—

“I mean, let’s break them up,” he suggested. “My mom already knows how I feel about it. She doesn’t care what I think; she says it’s not affecting me and it’s none of my business, but Joel’s so soft with you, I bet you could throw one fit and he’d never talk to her again.” 

Ellie let out a slow, shaky exhale. She was overreacting and there was a big part of her that knew that. If Isaac was to be believed, this had been going on for weeks, probably at least since the bonfire, which come to think of it, Joel had arrived late to after a long patrol with Esther, freshly showered and sporting a wide grin… 

Again— Ew. 

The point of this train of thought wasn’t to make herself feel icky, it was to shake some sense into her. Esther was Joel’s friend; she wasn’t one of Ellie’s friends, or even someone in her twenties or thirties. She was older than Tommy, older than Maria, pretty much exactly his age; she was nice, she was a mother to a teenager herself and she cared about Ellie. The woman never tried to stop her from spending time with her dad, so much so that Ellie hadn’t even noticed there was anything going on in the first place. 

Joel is allowed to have other relationships— She repeated that like a mantra. Ellie had already resolved a long time ago that if Joel were to get a girlfriend, she would just have to shut her stupid mouth about it and deal. It didn’t mean he loved her any less, and it didn’t mean she had to get in between them to prove that he loved her most. “You can if you want, but I’m not throwing a fit,” she said quietly. “I’m not the boss of Joel. That’s the point of him being my dad.” Ellie shrugged. 

“Seriously? Don’t even try to tell me you’re ok with this,” Isaac insisted. Ellie took a page from the other boy’s playbook and ignored him, pulling the blanket back up to cover herself before rolling onto her belly to take the pressure off her back. “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Let’s just watch a movie or something,” she said. Ellie wasn’t even awake long enough to know if Isaac listened.

She re-gained consciousness later to the sound of someone shuffling around the kitchen. Ellie stretched, then groaned, burying her face deeper into the cushion. “Mornin’ sleepyhead,” Joel greeted; something was sizzling on the stove. 

“Mm.”

“Isaac said you passed out real good not long after we left,” he commented, still fiddling around with pots and pans. Ellie made another non-committal noise in response. Neither party spoke again until Joel set a plate down in front of her on the coffee table. Fried eggs, baked beans and a few slices of tomato. “M’not hungry.”

“Sit up for me,” he patted her leg in encouragement, then flopped down next to her when she complied, his own plate in hand. “Goddamn, you did sleep good, girl—” Joel snorted, and Ellie blinked a few times before wiping the drool off her chin. Her face was textured on one side from pressing into the couch for so long. “Isaac was ‘nnoying me,” she muttered, then leaned forward into his shoulder, the blanket still bunched in her lap as she shut her eyes. 

“Yeah, that kid sure is a piece of work.” Another few minutes passed trying to fall asleep on Joel’s arm before he nudged her awake again. “Ellie—” he prodded. “You’re lettin’ your dinner get cold.”

“M’not hungry,” she said again, and it came out more like a whine. 

“I don’t care if you’re hungry or not; you ain’t gonna feel better by not eatin’.”

“Now you’re annoying me,” she growled, but fell herself onto the floor and picked up her fork, using it to stir the beans around on her plate. After a few bites, Ellie’s brain started to unfog, and by the time she made it to the eggs, she was able to hold her head up straight and keep her eyes open without them sliding shut when she wasn’t paying attention.

Sensing her newfound alertness, Joel started in on her. “So, I ran into Tommy on the way back. He said you asked Dr. Anderson to bring Marlene with him next month when his team comes back to do this again. Is that true?”

“Yeah.” She took a bite of egg so that her mouth was too full to elaborate, but of course, Joel just waited till she was done chewing before he asked again. “Why would you do that, kiddo?”

“Gotta keep things fun around here,” she said wryly. “Jackson won’t survive if I don’t have a meltdown at least once a month in front of the whole town.”

“Ellie...” he sighed. She scooted around to face him again, resting her chin on his knee. “Dina thinks I should try talking to her about my mom. Like that I should try learning more about her— But I’m so mad at Marlene; I don’t even want to right now. So, I told Dr. Anderson to let her come back and maybe in a month I’ll be less angry.”

“Why does Dina think that’s a good idea?” he asked; it looked like he was reserving his judgments until she was finished explaining.

“She thinks I’m just replacing my mom with myself in my head, and it might help to know more about her.”

Joel’s brows furrowed with surprise, then confusion. “Did you tell Dina what happened to you?” Ellie shook her head, then wrapped her arms around his calf, burying her mouth into his jeans to muffle her words as she spoke, “You did.” 

“No I didn’t—” He looked offended that she would even suggest the possibility of him betraying her confidence. 

“Yeah, you kinda did. We were sitting behind the sign at the church,” she said factually. He didn’t speak for what felt like a long time, then Joel carded a hand through her hair and said, “Shit. I’m sorry, baby girl. That wasn't somethin' any of us wanted you to overhear.”

Ellie shrugged. “It’s whatever. I know you wouldn’t’ve said that if you knew we were there, but the same thing happened to Dina's sister Talia, so she was nice about it. That wasn’t the worst part; the worst part was what Marlene said about you. The fact that she still thinks you would do that after everything that’s happened makes me want to puke—”

“Don’ think about it, honey.” He smoothed her hair down again. “She was just mad. Sayin’ whatever she could to get under my skin.”

“Dina said that too. But I still don’t like hearing it; it makes me feel… gross.”  Was she dwelling on it and acting like a baby for attention, so he would be forced to comfort her? Fifty-fifty. Did he know? Seventy-five. Was she gonna keep doing it anyways? One-hundred percent.

“Tcht. C’mere—” Success, Ellie thought as she allowed herself to be pulled onto his lap. “That ain’t never gonna happen,” he soothed. “Don’t matter what Marlene thinks.”

“I know,” Ellie huffed into his neck. “You don’t like sweet little Ellie’s, you like people your own age—” she said pointedly. “Like Esther.” If she wasn’t going to try and change it, then she might as well accept it and pay him back for some of his teasing about Dina. Joel’s eyes widened a fraction of an inch at the sudden change of topic, his lips parting. He appeared caught off guard by her comment.

“That’s why Isaac was annoying me,” she informed him. “He wanted me to, ‘throw a fit to get you to stop sleeping with his mom’” Ellie used air quotations even though those weren’t the exact words he said.

Joel cringed and he let out a slow, “I see…” His eyes flickered to her face, like he was trying his best to read her, to gather her thoughts on the subject before he dug himself into a hole. "Didn’t realize you kids knew about that; wasn’t tryin’ to broadcast it all over town.” 

“I didn’t.” She made an exaggerated expression. “Till today, I mean. I wasn’t even paying any attention. Maybe I should’ve been because Tommy asked me about her once and I thought it was weird, but Isaac’s got your patrol times all mapped out and everything."

He winced again. 

“Don’t worry. I was a good daughter.” She squished herself in between Joel and the arm of the couch and ignored the twinge in her tailbone “I told him you can do what you want. That I’m not the boss of you.” 

If it was even possible, his frown deepened and his brows became more serious. “You’d be a good daughter no matter what you told him,” Joel reassured. “An’ you don’t jus’ have to blindly accept everything I do cos I’m the boss of you, Ellie. Believe it or not, I ain’t lookin’ to make things harder on you.”

“It’s ok, Joel.” She touched her finger to the corner of his mouth and tried to force his lips into a smile. “You’re not. I like Esther, and if you ever wanted her to be your girlfriend, I would be ok with that too.” Would you? Would you really?— Yes. You would have to be. 

“Well, thank you for sayin’ that, kiddo." He caught her hand in his and held it there. "But don’t hold your breath; the woman just lost her husband. An’ somehow I don’t think your little friend is gonna share your generosity.” That wasn’t a no. Just a bunch of excuses all tacked together to form a sentence. Ellie understood then that if it were up to Joel, he might be more keen to turn things serious.

“So, just sex-friends then?” she asked, trying both to lighten the mood and keep a straight face as his contorted uncomfortably. “Ellie, I don't think—”

She shoved his chest. “Relax. I’m just fucking with you.” She was distracted enough by the conversation that she didn't notice this was the first time she'd been able to joke about sex with anyone since Colorado.

Her mood sobered a little and she sucked on the inside of her cheeks as one more question brimmed on her lips. “You’re not gonna have anymore kids, right?” An undertone of fear shone through in her voice. That was one thing she really couldn't handle. Girlfriend shmirlfriend, but Joel having another baby, another daughter who would actually be his and not a surrogate...

His answer was immediate. “No— Nope. Nuh uh. I’ll promise you that one, baby girl. I am done havin’ kids.”

“But you can never really guarantee…” she trailed off.

“I can,” he said firmly. “You’re it for me, girl.” He was so confident and so sincere that he almost had her convinced it was a biological impossibility. She’d never heard of an old person Esther’s age getting pregnant before, so maybe it was. 

“Ok. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Joel responded, “Now finish up your food.” 

Chapter Text

Ellie wasn’t sure that Isaac could get more annoying if he tried. He was mad at Ellie for not interfering with their parents’ relationship; mad at the world, or God or whoever for killing his dad, and uncomfortable around Joel. He was taking all those feelings out on his mom, and Ellie didn’t tell Joel this part because she knew it would make him mad, but he called Esther a whore to Jesse the other day, who was so irritated that he ranted about it to Dina, who ranted about it to Ellie, and none of them talked to Isaac for the whole rest of the afternoon. 

The only positive side was that Isaac’s bad attitude toward his mother made Ellie forget some of her discomfort and the weird jealousy she’d felt initially at the idea of Joel and Esther being more than just friends; instead, she now found herself defending the woman, defiant in the face of Isaac’s unfair scrutiny. Of course she wasn’t exactly sure if that was a natural defiance, or if she was manufacturing it in order to paint him as the bad guy, and her as Joel’s good, sweet little daughter who could do no wrong, but either way, it was working.

Until Isaac ruined it; until he told on her to her DAD like the little fucking snitch he was and made him yell at her. “I jus’ can’t believe you’d do somethin’ so goddamn stupid Ellie—” Joel lectured.

She was sitting on Tommy’s couch, arms crossed, gaze pointing down at her lap. Her brows were knitted together in a petulant scowl. “It was just a joke,” she snapped, refusing to raise her eyes to meet his. 

“Oh, it was just a joke, was it?” The sarcasm that burned through his tone was enough to make her cringe. Then he raised his voice, and she cringed even harder. “How is tellin’ Isaac about your immunity a joke? Huh? Please explain to me how that’s even remotely funny—”

“Well, I didn’t think he’d actually believe me!” Ellie twisted around to bury her face in the couch, unable to bear the weight of his disappointment.

“From the sounds of it, he didn’t— But he shared your little ha-ha with his Mama, and she ain’t so damn gullible.”

“That’s not my fault.”

“Psh. You got anything better to say for yourself?” Joel pushed, and Ellie was reaching her limit. “Stop looking at me!” she growled then, even though she couldn’t see him. 

“Stop lookin’ at you… How am I lookin’ at you? Do I look pissed? I expected better outta you. I thought you were mature enough to keep it to yourself, but I guess I was wrong—”

“Joel,” Tommy butted in; she felt the weight of his hands on the back of the sofa. “Why don’ you take a few minutes? Get some distance…” Ellie leaned instinctively into Tommy’s soothing drawl, but she knew right away that it was the wrong thing to do when she peeked at Joel just in time to see his eyes flash and his fingers clench by his sides. “I’m gonna ask you to stay outta this, baby brother. This is between me’n’Ellie.”

“She’s fifteen, Joel— It’s a big secret to keep,” he defended again. “Girl’s been keepin’ a lot of secrets; can’t expect her to hold onto all of ‘em forever.” She could see how Tommy’s calm demeanor could be infuriating if you were mad at him. “You gonna stand there and question my parenting?” Joel puffed out his chest. “My daughter, my rules. I’ll discipline her how I see fit.” 

“I hear you…” he allowed. “—but you need to be takin’ into account where she’s at. Ellie functions different than Sarah did—”

“You think I don’t fuckin’ know that?” 

Shit… Ok. This was about to get ugly. Tommy wasn’t stupid— even though bringing up Sarah’s name in a fight with Joel might suggest otherwise. Ellie’s heart swelled three sizes when she realized why he’d done it. Her uncle, who would do anything to avoid an argument, was sacrificing himself for her, trying to shift the brunt of Joel’s anger onto himself.

Maria didn’t even attempt to intervene when Joel got in Tommy's face and started accusing him of, ‘not knowing shit,’ because he wasn’t a father, and, ‘sittin’ pretty on his sky high motherfucking horse,’ whatever that meant. 

“This is stupid. I’m leaving—” Ellie announced as a distraction, before things got really out of hand. She was pretty sure her dad wouldn’t actually hit Tommy in front of her, but you never know. Joel made a grab for her, but missed. “Sit your ass down, young lady. I ain’t done with you.”

“No.” Ellie backed up even further toward the door. 

“Sit. Down.”

The challenge in his voice only served to make her madder. “Or what?”

He'd moved past mad and was now entering the territory of enraged. His face was red, and it looked like he was constipated. Like he was holding himself back from… From what? Yelling at her? Hurting her? “No really… What are you gonna do if I run away? Are you gonna chase me? Hold me down? Force me against my will?” she accused. 

“Ellie,” Maria chided, and yeah… Ellie knew she pretty much just threw the bar of things they were allowed to say to each other on the floor. But he fucking pushed her into it making her sit there and get yelled at like…like… Like a dad disciplining his daughter for doing something stupid? 

Joel recoiled at her words. “Are you kiddin’ me? For fucks sake, girl— I ain’t gonna—” Guilt replaced the anger in her blood as he spluttered out a response, and now she really just wanted to get the fuck out of there. 

Why did she always have to turn into such a fucking cunt when he got mad at her?

It'd been a pointless question designed to hurt him, a question she already knew the answer to. If she ran away, he’d let her go. So, that’s what she did. Ellie ran away, like always, because she just couldn’t stand the thought of someone she loved being angry with her.

She tracked down the real source of her ire quickly enough: Isaac. He was with Jesse, Dina, Eugene and Esther; they were all hanging out in Eugene’s yard and on his porch, and when Dina saw her approaching, she waved. Ellie ignored the gesture and went straight for the throat. “I should stomp your fucking balls!” she growled at Isaac, grabbing a handful of his t-shirt and slamming him back against the porch railing.

“What the fuck?” The boy struggled beneath her grasp. She was lucky he was skinny and only a few inches taller. “I didn’t do anything to you—”

“You’re such a little fucking bitch, tattling on me to your mommy—”

“Jesus Ellie—” Jesse launched forward and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her off Isaac. She kicked him in the shin as she struggled to break free, “Get your fucking hands off me!” Ellie twisted and tried to elbow him.

“Jesse, let her go!” Dina called; Esther got involved then, “She's fine. Let her go,” the woman agreed, putting a hand on Isaac's arm, and when Jesse dropped her back onto the wooden planks, Dina wormed her way to the front of the crowd to help her stand up. Her friend shot Isaac a fierce glare. He looked at his mom, then back at Ellie. “I didn’t do anything to her.”

Esther carded her fingers through her hair and it looked like she was thinking very carefully about what she was going to say before she spoke. “I think Ellie might be upset about that little joke you told me about her yesterday,” she said pointedly. “Because it turns out, that wasn’t a joke.” Isaac’s eyes widened. “About the…?”

“Yes," she said quickly, so he wouldn't continue. "But we don’t need to go there right now.” The woman’s tone was serious. “Joel and I had a conversation about it this morning…”

“Yeah, and now he’s really fucking pissed at me, so thanks a lot!” Ellie snapped, cutting her off. 

“Hey! Don’t yell at my mom!” Isaac inched closer to the woman, like he had the power to protect her if Ellie decided to go psycho. 

“Oh, so only you get to do that? Huh?” She tried to get in his face again. This time Dina held her back, a firm grip on both her biceps. “Ellie— Relax.”

“It’s ok,” Esther told her son. “She’s not gonna do anything.” Then she addressed Ellie again. “If you need to be mad at someone, you go ahead and be mad at me,” she said. “I’m the one who talked to your dad, but Isaac didn’t realize; he didn’t tell me with the intent to hurt you.”

It was hard not to notice how much the woman sounded like Joel. “Fine.” Ellie stepped back, arms up in a surrender position. “Fine.” She closed her eyes and tried to slow her breathing, because she wasn't mad at Isaac; he didn’t mean to tell on her. And she wasn't mad at Esther; she was defensive, because the woman’s actions made Joel yell at her, and that was scary, because what if the two of them started ganging up on her? 

What if they started agreeing on things so much that they decided to be serious? Then to get married? Then Esther and Isaac would move in with them. Esther would sleep in Joel’s bed with him every night, and even when Ellie had a nightmare she wouldn’t be able to crawl in there and snuggle with him because Esther would think she was too old for that, or that she was trying to be inappropriate with him.

If he got married, then Ellie would be alone for the rest of her life after she grew up because Joel definitely wouldn’t want her to live with him forever if he had a wife to keep him company.

All this swearing and fighting, and being rude wasn’t helping. She was supposed to be Joel’s good, sweet little daughter who could do no wrong. Not the reason he got stressed out all the time. If he was stressed out he would just see Esther more, because that’s what people did to de-stress, and the cycle would continue…

Eugene cleared his throat, interrupting her mental panic and speaking up for the first time since Ellie arrived. “We done here? You need me to walk you back home, girl?” he asked. 

“I don’t wanna go back home. Joel’s mad at me.”

Esther trapped her bottom lip between her teeth. “I’m sure he’s calmed down by now, sweetheart.”

“You don’t even know him.” She glared at the woman, who seemed to come to a visual understanding that everything she said right now was going to rile Ellie up further, so she backed off. Yeah, just keep taking your mood out on all the innocent people around you. That’ll help.

Dina pulled on her sleeve. “C’mon Miss. Grouchy pants, I’ll go with you. Then if it looks like Joel’s still mad, I’ll… pretend to faint, or fake a seizure or something.”

That made her snort, partly because she was pretty sure Dina was being serious. This wasn’t the first time she’d offered to throw herself under the bus for Ellie’s sake. “Uh… Bye Ellie,” Jesse said awkwardly, one hand on the back of his neck. “Sorry for grabbing you and throwing you on the ground.”

She looked at Isaac. “Sorry for smashing you into the wall,” she said, continuing the apology train. He shrugged. “It’s fine, I guess.”

When they were a safe distance from Eugene’s house and it was just her and Dina alone, the other girl turned to her with a look on her face that was hard to read. “What was that about?” she asked seriously. “You were about to level Isaac. Don’t even try to tell me you weren’t. Was is something to do with what we talked about that night… at the church?”

Ellie winced. “No. It’s something else. But I’m actually not allowed to talk about it, because that’s how this whole thing got started in the first place.” If Dina had asked her earlier, she probably would’ve told her everything. But now, on the tail end of her anger, it seemed like too big a risk, especially if she was planning to make nice with Joel.

“Kay well, just… be gentle with Isaac right now, ok?” she sucked on her teeth, like she was debating whether or not to keep talking. “I know he’s a dick, but I guess he like, broke down at Jesse’s house the other day, tears and everything, talking about how his dad died... He got infected, Ellie— and Isaac was the one who had to kill him.”

“Shit.” That made so much sense. All the anger and the panicking around infected people. Not to mention fucking Kaige, his weird D&D elf who hated the world after being forced to kill someone he loved. He wasn’t mad at God for killing his dad. He was mad at himself. Damn. She should’ve put the pieces together sooner. Now she felt even more guilty for almost beating him up.

And Esther… The woman was probably struggling everyday to hold the pieces of her life together. Joel was helping her, and Ellie had to come in and be the ungrateful brat making things more difficult. The woman wasn’t trying to steal her dad away; she was trying to stay alive, to find something to fight for, like Joel always said. All those things people did when they were drowning in grief.

Ugh. Why did you have to be SUCH a bitch to her? 

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” Dina said, noticing Ellie’s withdrawn appearance. “At the end of the day, we’ve all got shitty stories, and he’s gotta learn how to deal with his without hurting other people but…I mean… so do you.” The statement was both firm and soft at the same time. “This isn’t like the Outside. You can’t run around hitting people to solve your problems.”

“You sound like Maria,” Ellie scowled to cover the fact that Dina was right.

“Hey, there are worse people to sound like. At least Maria’s smart. Scary, but smart. You should probly listen to her.”

She rolled her eyes and Dina dropped the serious act, coming to a stop outside Tommy’s house. “One day I’m gonna make you tell me all your secrets, Ellie Miller. You just wait.” Dina often said that to her. Somehow she always made the threat sound like a promise.

Her friend leaned in and gave her a hug. Ellie paused in the embrace for longer than normal, inhaling the familiar smell of horses mixed with the fresh scent of the shampoo Renata made using mint and lavender from her garden.

“Uh… If you don’t see me in the next few days, you know why,” Ellie winced, eying the house. “I’m pretty sure I’m getting grounded. But if more than a week goes by, then maybe get Tommy to check the back yard for fresh dirt…”

Dina let out a surprised laugh, her pretty brown eyes sparkling as she pushed Ellie’s shoulder and said, “You are so dramatic.”

The Miller brothers were back to getting along when Ellie walked into the house. Tommy was cooking dinner, and Maria and Joel sat at the table going over schedules, but the atmosphere was no longer tense. All three of them turned to look at her when she opened the door. 

“Hi,” she said. They watched her silently as she skirted around the table to peer at the construction schedule. “Where’s my name?” she asked, pointing to the absence of her usual spot in the crew. 

“You’re not workin’ first half of this week,”  he informed her.

“Why?” Ellie frowned. Was this a part of being grounded? Not working? You’d think she’d be made to work longer hours, not fewer. “Cos tonight when we get home, you’re packin’ your bags. Then tomorrow mornin’, you an’ Uncle Tommy are going camping for a couple days.” 

He was kicking her out? She couldn’t help it; the statement combined with his unfeeling tone when he delivered it broke her. Overwhelmed by the sudden rise and fall of her own emotions, Ellie started crying. Big, fat, hiccuping tears right in the middle of the kitchen. “I’m s—sorry!” she wailed. It didn’t matter that Maria was right next to her expecting her to act mature. It didn’t matter that Joel might be too mad to be moved by her waterworks. “Please don’t make me leave. I’m sorry!” 

Her dad seemed startled by the outburst, and Tommy… He looked surprised, maybe even a little hurt. “Uh— Ellie, it ain’t supposed to be a punishment,” the younger Miller said. “Was my idea actually. We all know you’re strugglin’ right now, an’ I thought you might like to get away for a little bit…” 

“Oh.” She let out another pathetic sob. If she wasn't so distraught, she might’ve been touched by the gesture. 

“Alright—Alright—” Joel placated. He shot Maria a look, and she sent him back an exasperated smirk, before getting up to join her husband in the kitchen. Far enough away that it gave them the illusion of privacy, but not out of earshot. He turned his chair sideways and pulled her closer, so she was standing between his knees. “Let it out, baby girl.”

She cried harder. “I almost beat up Isaac, but Jesse stopped me, and then I was so mean to Esther and I’m sorry about that.” She felt like a little girl in the confessions box in one of those big churches they’d passed through on the way here. “I know I cause you stress, and I’m not trying to ruin your life or anything. I shouldn’t’ve gotten mad at her, she didn’t deserve it—”

“Ellie— Ellie— Look at me.” Joel commanded. He put a hand on her belly and guided her through a few deep breaths before he spoke. “You don’t cause me stress, girl. Not real stress. And losin’ you, is the only thing that has the power to ruin my life. So, quit your worryin’.”

“But I was such a bitch to Esther even though it was my fault she knew about my immunity in the first place, because you’re right— It was a stupid joke to make.” 

“Then the nice thing to do would be to apologize,” he said calmly. “You can do that before you leave tomorrow. How’s that sound?”

“Why aren’t you yelling at me for what I said to you when I left?” Ellie demanded. 

“Because you’re my daughter.” Joel used his grip on her hands to rock her side to side. “Cos you could Molotov this entire town and I’d forgive you for it. Hell, I’ll pay you to throw my brother over a cliff on your little trip. Name your price—”

“Thanks, Joel,” Tommy said unamusedly. “I’m feelin’ the love over here.”

Joel snorted. “Point is, you’re my best girl, Ellie. Nothing’s ever gonna change that.” He said it so easily. Like he could see deep into the bubbling, evil pits and recesses of her mind. Like he could pull out every thought she’d had that day with just the touch of his hand. Maybe he was good at reading between the lines. Maybe that’s just what dads do.

Chapter Text

“She’s got extra socks in the side pocket of her backpack, an’ a little baggie with a toothbrush and toothpaste in there if you can remind her to do that at least once or twice,” Joel explained, then he lowered his voice and treaded delicately. “Girl’s due to get her period again really anytime, but if that happens, she might freak out an’ forget she’s got supplies… Everything she needs is in the front compartment: the one with the monster keychain danglin’ off the zipper.”

“O—kay.” Tommy nodded slowly. He looked a bit pale. “Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here addin’ that one to the list of things I’m prayin’ don’t happen. Right up there with gettin’ killed, and gettin’ infected.” 

“Comes with the territory, baby brother,” Joel snorted, clapping him on the shoulder. “Listen, if there’s any trouble…” he trailed off, then began again. “Jus’ don’t get in her way, alright? Ellie is perfectly capable of killin’ runners an’ clickers on her own; don’t jump in front of her, or get yourself bit tryin’ to control the situation. Girl’s got enough trauma without havin’ to shoot her Uncle Tommy in the head—”

Tommy’s eyes widened, and he made a motion to cut him off— Footsteps echoed from behind, and Joel lurched forward as Ellie leapt onto his back, sinking her teeth into his arm. Skinny legs wound around his torso and she let out a triumphant cry of, “You’re infected!”

He reached back and hooked his hand behind her knee; Ellie squealed and dropped to the ground, releasing his neck from her choke-hold. If she’d heard them talking, she was pretending she hadn’t. 

Joel ruffled her hair, half-up, half-down today, and hugged her hard enough that her eyes bugged out of their sockets. She had on her favorite outfit: black tights paired with the oversized Star Wars t-shirt. Her arms were bare save for a lime green armband Maria had found and gifted to her. She wasn’t allowed to wear it all the time because the placement was a little suspicious, but it would do just fine for tent camping with Tommy. 

“You’re squishing me—” the little girl complained, red-faced as she struggled to free herself. He chuckled and released his death grip. The younger Miller laughed along with them, then looked her up and down. “Ready to go, sweetheart?” 

“I want to say sorry to Esther first.” Ellie turned to Joel. “Can I? You said I could.”

“It’s a little early to be wakin’ the poor woman up, don’tcha think?” He raised an eyebrow, but his daughter’s pretty green eyes darkened and she grabbed hold of his arm. “Please?” she whined. Joel never stood a chance when she looked at him like that. 

Ellie had an ulterior motive for getting him alone, he realized as they made the short trek from Tommy’s place to Esther's. “I don’t want to shoot Tommy in the head,” she announced, the statement seemingly coming out of nowhere, but Joel knew better. Damn. She did hear them. He needed to learn to watch what he said around her. Didn’t need to be puttin’ these ideas in her head.

“That ain’t gonna happen, girl. I was jus’ tryin’ to tell my brother not to worry too much about you.”

“But what if it did? What would I do?” she insisted.  

Joel let out a long exhale before answering. “If Tommy gets bit, you run away. Hopefully my brother would have the wherewithal to take care of it himself, but either way— Come back to Jackson as fast as you can and I’ll deal with it.” 

“Like Henry had to kill Sam.” She was swinging her arms in a circle, an action he recognized as one of her self soothing techniques. “Did you know that Isaac killed his dad?” she asked then. Christ. Do we really need to keep talking about this? “Did Isaac tell you that?”

“No— Dina told me, and Jesse told her.”

“That’s a real hard thing.” He kept his tone short, trying to stop the conversation in its tracks, but having no such luck. “It happened to Riley too,” Ellie informed him. “Her dad got bit and then he like… ripped apart her mom in front of her and she had to shoot him. She was really fucked up from it.” No doubt. It always disturbed him to hear horror stories like that out of the mouth of babes. 

He wished he’d done a better job keeping her innocent, though he supposed there wasn’t nothin’ to be done about the stuff from before they met. “I don’t want that to happen to you, or to Tommy— or Maria. I wish I could just give you my immunity.”

He sighed. “It ain’t gonna, Ellie. Don’t be thinkin’ like that. From what I understand, Isaac’s dad was a real gentle type; didn’t have the heart for killin’.”

“How do you know?”

Joel raised an eyebrow as if to say, “How do you think?”

“Isn’t it weird talking to Esther about her husband?” Her own brows formed a curious line as she looked up at him. “Cos you two are—You know…” she trailed off. 

He cringed; Joel wished she wouldn’t ask him questions like that. Just because the cat was out of the bag didn’t mean it was appropriate to share this part of his life with his teenage daughter. She was too young to understand and he could tell she was real confused about the whole dynamic, which had been why he feared her getting involved in the first place.

There were two parts to this with Ellie. There was the jealousy, and there was the trauma-response. 

He could deal with jealousy. Joel had done that before with Sarah once or twice; it was natural and it was easily remedied by makin’ sure his little girl felt loved, and valued. That she knew she was always gonna be number one in his life, no matter what. But it was deeper than that with Ellie. 

She had the language, but she wasn’t grasping the concept of friends with benefits, versus Esther being his girlfriend. She was treating this as a dating situation. Trying to rearrange her mind to allow the woman into her life, and it was both hard and uncomfortable to explain to her that no, he wasn’t planning to take things any further, and yes, even though he was her dad, he still had a sex drive— but no, he could never be driven so far that he would turn it on her…

Joel didn’t know how to say any of that to Ellie, so he just settled on a sigh, and said, “No, it ain’t weird, honey.” 

He felt bad waking Esther so early on a non-patrol day, but when it came down to it, he was selfish; he wanted his daughter to relax and have fun with Tommy, something that might be difficult if she spent the whole trip fixating on that little incident with Isaac and his mom. The woman answered the door in a black, terry-cloth bathrobe, hair askew, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she stood in the frame. “Good morning,” she yawned. 

“Mornin’. Apologies for the intrusion.” He tipped his head. “Ellie’s headin’ off with my brother for a couple days, but she’s got somethin’ she wants to say before she goes.”

“You didn’t need to make her do that—” The woman shot him a stern look, but Joel took a step back to abstain himself from the decision and said, “Her idea, not mine.” That wasn’t a hundred percent true. It was his idea, he just hadn’t been planning to enforce it. 

“I’m sorry,” Ellie said earnestly. Then without warning, she flung herself at Esther and buried her face in the woman’s robe. Esther’s arms flew out to the sides, blinking back her surprise. Oh, for the love of God. Yeah— his girl was real confused. “I’m sorry for being such a bitch to you. I didn’t mean it. I just don’t like when Joel’s mad at me, but it wasn’t your fault, it was mine—” 

Esther’s gaze softened in spite of his daughter’s forwardness; she relaxed her stance and patted Ellie’s back. “None of that, now,” she chided, and for a second, as Joel watched the woman comfort his child, he wondered if maybe it wasn’t worth confusin’ her a little more, just to see where things went.

The feeling continued into the evening, long after he saw Ellie off and finished his day’s work. Joel figured he’d better take advantage of his kid-free time while he had it. That, and he found the house too quiet without the persistent girl chatter he was used to— so, on his way home, he stopped by Esther’s place again to invite her for dinner. He arrived just in time to witness the end of what appeared to be a mother and son showdown happening in real time. “I’ll do whatever the hell I want!” Isaac shouted, slamming the screen door on his way out.

“Isaac, get back here! I’m trying to talk to you—”

“Go fuck yourself!” he called again. Then he spotted Joel, and let out a sharp, stunted laugh. “Nevermind. Guess Ellie’s dad came to do it for you.”

Esther grabbed onto her son’s arm and yanked him back. “I am your mother. You do not get to talk to me like that.”

He resisted the urge to jump to the woman’s aide, maybe knock some sense into this little punk. But if he thought about it the other way around, Joel sure wouldn’t appreciate her getting in the middle of a fight between him and Ellie.

Isaac’s upper lip curled. “I hate you.”

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but I love you,” she responded evenly, and Joel commended her composure. “If you’re going out, I’d like you to come back by nine, relaxed and ready to have a civil conversation.” 

The kid puffed out his chest and took a threatening step in her direction. “Make me,” he challenged, and Joel couldn’t hold back any longer. He intervened, stepping between the two. “Son, you don’t need to be gettin’ in your Mama’s face like that,” he said, keepin’ his tone real civil.

“Don’t fucking call me son,” the boy snapped, skirting away from him. Esther closed her eyes, the frustration evident in her expression. “Just go Isaac—” she gave in, hands up by her head in surrender. “Do whatever you want. I don’t care.” 

She leaned up against the side of the house by the door, rubbing the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger as Isaac disappeared down the block. “I can’t do this anymore,” she said. Her voice took on an edge of bitterness as she spoke. “I didn’t ask for this either, but I still get up everyday and try my best.” 

“Ain’t nothin’ else you can do—” He pulled the woman into his side and rubbed her arm. “It ain’t gonna be like this forever; just gotta give him time.” Empty words, he knew, in the face of her current predicament. She took a deep breath and nodded, then forced a wry smile. “If Ellie’s little stunt the other day is the worst it gets for you, then you’d better count yourself lucky. Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t just die with Byron, and this is my own personal brand of hell.”

He snorted. “Now wouldn’t that be somethin’.” All that build up to find out that hell was just gettin’ yelled at by your teenager. It was true, kids had a unique talent for gettin’ under their parents’ skin. Some of the things that came out of his daughter’s mouth… both his daughters mouthes, really— and Esther was right; Ellie for all her cussing and backtalk was downright docile compared to Isaac. 

“Why don’ you come on over for a bite to eat?” Joel offered. Least he could do was try and get her mind off it. The fight was pretty much zapped out of her at this point. They wound up back at his place eating leftovers, since he hadn’t planned on having her over so early in the evening. A large sheppard’s pie he’d brought to his brother’s house the other night that didn’t get finished.

On a normal day, they usually spent a good portion of their time together talking about their kids, but tonight felt different. The last thing Esther wanted to do was talk about Isaac, an’ Joel was tryin’ his best not to think about Ellie, cos if he started wondering what she was doing, all sorts of nasty images involving hordes, surprise bloater encounters, and bandits popped into his head. It was best to leave it alone. She was with Tommy, which meant she’d be fine. He trusted that boy as much as he trusted himself to keep her safe.

They each had a few drinks with their food, and truthfully, he hadn’t been planning to try anything with the woman. Not while her judgment was compromised; that wasn’t his style. But Esther had her own definition of stress release, and it didn’t take more than a few polite minutes after dinner before she herded him upstairs. 

Tommy’s home brewed bourbon shifted their assigned roles as she captured his mouth and pulled him on top of her on the bed. The change was significant enough that Joel stopped her before things got too carried away to ask, “You sure you want this?”

“I’m a big girl, Joel. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t,” she whispered back, made impatient by his hesitation.

“Yes ma’am,” he responded with renewed vigor, claiming her lips with his own. Better to let the woman do what she wanted.

Unlike her master bedroom, Joel didn’t have an ensuite, so— when they were done, Esther left the room to use the facilities, and Joel got dressed. When she returned, it was with a framed photo in her hand. He held onto a fleeting hope that it was the new one of him and Ellie with Shimmer that he’d put on the mantel, but that hope was quickly dashed when she passed the picture to him and asked, “Who’s this?”

She had an expression best described as somber curiosity on her face. Whether she knew already or not, it shouldn’t be hard to answer the question for herself. 

Twenty-one years and his heart still ached every time he thought of her. Joel pursed his lips and began absentmindedly rubbing along the band of his watch, the last piece of that beautiful blonde-haired baby he had left. “That’s my daughter Sarah at one of her soccer matches,” he allowed. Esther nodded thoughtfully, her gaze still held captive by the faded photo. “Here I thought you were just a natural,” she smiled. “One year of parenting and you had it all figured out…”

“If only it were that easy,” he drawled, leaning over to place the picture on his bedside table. 

If only. 

Joel wasn’t the only one thinking of Sarah that night as Tommy and Ellie sat around the campfire. A two-person tent pitched behind them, Shimmer and Jericho tied up for the night about ten feet down the creek. They’d already roasted sausages for dinner, and now she was drawing in her sketch book while Tommy sat back and watched her from across the flames. “Whatcha drawin’, kiddo?” he asked, and she turned the book around for him to see.

The sketch was a side profile of him riding Jericho. Her view from Shimmer’s back on their way to the spot where they set up camp that afternoon. “Nice horse, but who’s the ugly guy in the saddle?” he wrinkled his nose playfully.

“Tommy!” Ellie kicked dirt in his direction with the toe of her sneaker. “Re—lax, girl,” he laughed, then ran a hand through his hair. “Anybody teach you to draw or you jus’ did that all on your own?”

“Just me, I guess. There was this soldier from the zone, Paul. He was assigned as like, rotating security staff between all the different military schools, and he used to watch out for me sometimes. Try to keep me out of trouble. He gave me a how to draw book once, and I learned from that.”

The younger Miller nodded along to the new information. “Where’s Paul now?” he asked. Ellie shrugged. “I dunno. He stopped helping me after I tried to convince him to take me home with him. He had his own family and he thought I was getting, ‘too attached,’ she said with finger quotes. She’d never told Joel about that, maybe because it felt insignificant compared to the intensity of his love for her. Maybe it was just awkward talking about how nobody ever fucking wanted her until he came along. 

“Well, either way, it’s real impressive how you draw from memory like that,” he said.

She squirmed at the praise, shooting him a small smile. The phrase ‘drawing from memory,’ made her think of something she’d been meaning to ask him for a while. “That reminds me; I need you to look at something I drew…” she trailed off.

“You need me to?” he frowned, and Ellie scooted over so she was sitting next to him. Tommy put his arm around her shoulders to make her more comfortable. Before she showed him, she felt like she needed to give him a warning. “I know Joel won’t want to celebrate his birthday—” she started, “—but daughters are allowed to do whatever they want so…” she paused. “I only have one picture to look at for reference so maybe you can help me make sure it’s right?” Ellie asked, her voice high-pitched and nervous as she flipped the page to the drawing in question.

Tommy stayed quiet; he didn’t say anything for what felt like forever. Then, when he was ready, he smushed her closer and rested his chin on the top of her head so she couldn’t see his face and said, “You sure know how to get a reaction, don’tcha sweetheart?” His voice sounded thick, like when she told him about David and Colorado.

“I wasn’t sure if I could do it… I thought about trying to make her older cos it would be more realistic but…” she didn’t know what she was trying to say. Tommy swallowed and tapped the page, “Nah— Thas’ perfect just the way you did it, Ellie. I reckon he’s gonna love it.”

“Is it right? Or do I need to change something?” She passed the book over to him. The younger Miller took it with a frown, then closed his eyes and relaxed back into the trunk of the tree behind him.

When he re-opened them, he looked at the drawing again and pointed to the face of the subject. “She had more freckles,” he said, “—And when she smiled, she didn’t have dimples, it was more of a little crease, right here—” Tommy traced along the edges of the girl’s mouth.

“Ok,” Ellie beamed. “Thanks Tommy.”

It was funny that her uncle had such a problem with the idea of her sleeping in his brother’s bed, but didn’t think twice about sharing a tent just him and Ellie. It seemed like pretty much the same thing, but she didn’t say as much because she didn’t want to make it weird.

Instead, she wormed into her sleeping bag and resisted the temptation to snuggle with him. She liked sleeping in her own room, especially now that Joel went through so much effort to make it nice for her— but this was the first night she’d spent away from Joel since they arrived in Jackson, and she missed him. His brother was the next best thing. 

Still, she stayed on her own side. If she had a hope of ever going camping with Tommy again, she needed to behave.

“Not too cold, honey?” he asked, and she shook her head. “No. This is so nice compared to how me and Joel had to sleep on the way here. Once, we slept in a sewer. The whole floor was damp and it smelled like… ugh. Joel let me lay on his coat, but it didn’t really help.”

“Better than a sewer— I’ll take it,” he chuckled. “Hey Ellie?” he whispered after another moment of silence. She propped herself up and raised an eyebrow. 

“Do you know what kinds of songs the stars sing?”

She looked at him incredulously.

“Do you know?” he pushed. Even in the dark she could tell his face was sparkling with amusement. He was fully aware that his joke had stumped her. Ellie rolled her eyes. “What kinds?” 

“Nep-tunes,” he smirked. She couldn’t help but giggle as she laid back down and rested her cheek on her arm, “How do you organize a good star party?” she asked. 

“You planet,” Tommy replied, without even giving her a chance to say the punchline. “You’re gonna need to try harder than that to fool me, little girl.”

Chapter Text

Thick fingers wrapped around Ellie’s throat, squeezing hard, squeezing tight— squeezing the LIFE right out of her. She was fading—fading—fading, white spots appearing in her vision as she struggled to move, pinned underneath a strong, familiar body. There was something hard grinding into her belly. 

Joel. It was always Joel, but it didn’t matter who was hurting her—who was KILLING her. The point is she was dying, and it hurt. It hurtsobad… 

Ellie was reaching for something above her, but she was too slow. The white spots were getting bigger and everything else around her was blurry, disappearing into a field of endless light. She rose up off the floor of the burning chalet, floating above the gruesome scene. Looking down from the ceiling, that’s when she realized it wasn’t Ellie dead on the ground, it was someone with brown skin. With curly black hair, and a silver Firefly pendant clutched in her hand. 

It was Riley. 

Joel was hurting Riley? Or maybe there was never a Joel in the first place, because her friend was alone. Dead and alone. Her face was purple, eyes bulging. In the spot where Ellie expected to see bruising fingerprints, there was only one long gash, like rope burn around the girl’s neck…

Ellie let out a gutted cry as she shot out of her sleep. Her legs were twisted, trapped in a cocoon of warmth that she struggled to break free from. She couldn’t move—couldn’t breathe— couldn’t GET OUT— 

“Woah—woah—woah—” Somebody was touching her, trying to help her get unstuck. “You’re ok, Ellie— You’re ok. It’s just Tommy.” Two hands hooked under her armpits and pulled her out of the trap. She kicked the sleeping bag to the other end of the tent and let out a shaky noise. Ellie buried her face between her knees, sucking in long, deep gasps of air. “He thought I was dead—” she whimpered. “He thought I was dead.” 

“Shh…” The younger Miller rubbed her back. “Who thought you were dead?”

“I don’t know—” she moaned. “Danny… or Joel.” But that didn’t make sense. Why was she talking about Danny? She hadn’t thought about him in a long time. David was the one she should be thinking about. The dream was about Riley and the restaurant, not that weird gas station where she almost died. Why was Riley in the restaurant? Ellie was so confused. “I don’t know.”

“Alright. Well, it don’t matter now, sweetheart. It was just a dream.” He was saying all the right words. The Joel words. But it wasn’t enough because even though she was awake now, the same burning fear from before left her insides hollow. “I think something bad is gonna happen,” she told him. 

“Thas’ just whatever nightmare you had talkin’,” her uncle tried to reason. “Nothin’ bad is gonna happen.”

He wasn’t understanding. “No, I know something bad is gonna happen Tommy—” Ellie said his name like a plea. She shifted into a crouch and started to unzip the tent. “Can we go home? I wanna go home.”

The fire was almost completely gone as she left the shelter of their combined body heat and broke into the chilly night air. She headed in the direction of the sleeping horses. 

“Ellie—” Tommy followed her. “Honey, we are not ridin’ back to Jackson in the pitch black. That ain’t up for debate.” His tone was stricter than normal as he gave up on trying to bring her around and started giving orders. “If you still wanna go by mornin’, we’ll go— but I ain’t lettin’ you leave tonight.”

She rooted her feet and tried not to let him see how scared she was, but the younger Miller was good at reading people. He wasn’t fooled. Tommy hooked his finger in the cuff of her sleeve, then tugged her forward by her sweater, switching into his lower register. “Ellie girl— Do you trust me?” he asked. 

Ellie paused for a second, swallowed, then nodded. Tommy pursed his lips, the corners of his mouth twitching into a serious sort-of smile at her response. “Then listen to me when I tell you that as long as you’re with me, ain’t nothin’ or nobody’s gonna hurt you. I promise. We’re gonna be jus’ fine,” he soothed. “Nothin’ bad is gonna happen.”

When she didn’t say anything, he continued. “Now, if you’re not ready to go back to bed, why don’ we build this here bonfire back up and have ourselves a late night snack?” he smirked.

“We can do that?”

“We can do whatever you want,” he drawled, then seemed to rethink the statement and said, “‘long as it don’t involve racin’ off back to town in the middle of the night.”

The nice thing about Tommy was that unlike with Joel, Ellie didn’t have to fill ninety-percent of the conversation. She could spend more time listening than she did talking, and the younger Miller had lots of stories to tell.

“Did you know that me’n’Joel used to be boy scouts?” he asked as he used their leftover kindling to stoke the fire.

“What’s a boy scout?” Ellie asked.

“It was an organized sort of group boys went to after school to learn different survival skills, like orienteering, tyin’ knots, buildin’ fires,” he nodded to the orange flames as they licked at the wood. “It’s where your daddy learned to whittle.”

“Really? That’s weird.” It was hard to picture a little boy version of Joel doing any of that. Actually, it was hard to picture him little at all. That was probably because he never talked about anything before Sarah was born, so it felt like he skipped all the growing up stuff and arrived in this world as the thirty-something year-old dad from that soccer photo. Of course Tommy would know better. “Why was it called boy scouts? Girls couldn’t go?”

“It was separated by gender— Girls went to girl scouts, boys went to boy scouts. Course, it was the eighties, so girl scouts was more focused on things like cookin’, sewin’, bein’ a good friend…” 

“That’s so stupid.” Ellie rolled her eyes at his list and Tommy raised his hands defensively. “Hey— Don’t shoot the messenger. Thas’ what it was,” he chuckled. “Anyways, where I was goin’ with this was, in boy scouts, we used to do these big bonfires where we’d tell ghost stories, roast hot dogs, makes smores.”

“What’s smores?” That was a word she’d never heard before.

“I’m glad you asked,” her uncle grinned, retrieving his backpack from the tent. He pulled out a smaller canvas bag from inside and presented her with the contents.

There was a rainbow bag full of white squishy things labeled ‘Jet-Puffed.’ A box of whatever ‘graham crackers’ were, and a bar of Dairy Milk chocolate. Ellie’s eyes grew wide. She didn’t know what the first two items were, but she sure as hell knew what chocolate was.

“Now, keep in mind this shit is twenty-some years old…” Tommy warned her as he opened the first bag and speared the white globes onto their roasting sticks. 

Fifteen minutes, and half a bag of blackened ‘marshmallows’— that was the proper name for them— later, and Ellie finally had one that was puffy and brown enough that she could put it on her smore sandwich.

The crackers were hard to chew through, but everything else tasted heavenly on her tongue as she took her first bite. “This is the best food ever,” she announced, her mouth still full. “I think we should have boy scouts in Jackson. Except girls can be in it too.”

“Oh-ho, you think so, huh? You know what else boy scouts had to do?” her uncle asked. Then, he answered his own question. “They had to sing.”

“Shut up.”

“No, I’m serious— And not the type of singin’ we do at the bonfires in town. Real cheesy campfire songs. If you really want to be a boy scout, you’ve gotta learn one of ‘em.”

That was how Ellie learned the song, “Down by the Bay.” You were supposed to sing it as a round, with one person repeating the other, and the person who wasn’t repeating had to make up a silly rhyme at the end. 

The younger Miller started. “Have you ever seen a goose, kissin’ a moose? Down by the bay…”

“Down by the bay,” Ellie laughed as Tommy began repeating her this time.

“I don’t know a rhyme,” she whispered halfway through, but he just shook his head and kept going “Better figure one out quick, girl.”

“For if I do (for if I do),” she sang and he mimicked, “my mother will say (my mother will say)…” he trailed off.

She paused. “Did you ever see a runner eating a hunter?” 

“Down by the bay—” Tommy rumbled, finishing the song for her. “I don’ know that I’ve ever heard that one before, but hey— If it fits it fits. I think you Miss. Ellie Miller, are ready for your official induction into the Boy Scouts of America,” he winked.

It made her feel warm and fuzzy when people called her that, especially people with the same last name.

Looking back a month from now, Ellie would pinpoint this night— singing silly songs by the fire with Tommy—as the last time she experienced true happiness before everything went to shit. In the coming days she would long for the simplicity. Beg God to take her back to this moment when everything was perfect, and wonder if maybe she should’ve listened to her dream, been more persistent in her insistence that she and Tommy ride back to Jackson.

Maybe if she did that, things could’ve been different. Maybe if she did that, everyone would still be alive.

When they arrived back in town the next day, Ellie was wiped. Her nightmare, combined with the fact that she and Tommy stayed up almost all night laughing, singing, and telling stories, left her exhausted as she untacked Shimmer and got the combs out to brush her. “I’ve got it, honey,” the younger Miller stopped her. “You run on home and get some sleep.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” he grinned and mussed up her ponytail. Tommy didn’t need to tell her twice. It was late enough in the afternoon that Joel was done work for the day, but still before dinnertime. When she got home, he was out on the porch steps working on a piece of wood that if Ellie had to guess, was starting to resemble the bust of a horse. 

“Joel!” she called, leaping into his arms as he stood up to greet her. He grunted at the force of her hug, then grinned at her enthusiasm, lifting her up to place her on the tops of his feet. He rocked them side to side and inhaled against her hair. “You smell like campfire.”

“I missed you,” she said when she was back on the ground. “I missed you too, chickie pie. Place was too quiet.”

Ellie gave him a quick run down of events; she told him all about her bad dream, not the details, just that she’d had one— And she told him about Tommy’s stupid puns, his convincing her to stay, and the smores, as well as the fact that by Jackson law, she was now an honorary boy scout. 

“I think you’ve done enough to earn that title a hundred times over this past year, kiddo. No way I was doin’ half the stuff you can do at fourteen an’ fifteen.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah— All that survival shit used to be just for fun. Wasn’t life or death like it is now; nobody took it real seriously, and I don’t know what my brother told you, but I wasn’t a boy scout for long. Quit to play football before I even started middle school.”

That little tidbit boosted her confidence more than any of Tommy’s praise last night. If she was a better survivor than Joel was at fifteen, then how good would she be at almost fifty? Actually, he was turning forty-nine in October. Of course, she didn’t really want to imagine being forty-nine because that would mean Joel would be dead… but it was an interesting thought.

“I do have one real important question to ask you,” her dad prompted, and Ellie looked up to acknowledge him. “Did you brush your teeth after you ate all that chocolate and marshmallow?”

Of course he would ask her about that. She shot him a guilty cringe, and he chuckled. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. Run upstairs and do that before you have your nap.”

Ellie obeyed. Then, just before she was about to settle in bed, she changed into her purple shorts and an oversized tee. She was so close, almost ready to lie down when Joel called up to her from the living room. “Ellie— There’s someone here to see you!” 

Damn. 

She grabbed a sweater and was sliding it over her head on the way down, when she saw that it was Isaac. Ellie dropped the sweater on the stairs. What was the point of him knowing about her immunity if she couldn’t have her arms out around him? 

Her friend was standing in the door frame leaning as far away from Joel as he could get, scowling up at her dad with what looked like a mixture of hatred and apprehension on his face.

Isaac clutched a sketchbook to his chest and there were drawing pencils sticking out of the pockets of the plaid pajama pants he always wore. Right away, his eyes were drawn to her exposed bite mark, but he didn’t comment.

“I need your help with something,” the boy said without greeting her, and even though the last time they talked was when Ellie was pinning him up against Eugene’s porch by his shirt collar calling him a little bitch, it didn’t seem like he was still mad.

“Ok,” she said back, suppressing a yawn. Joel, who seemed unimpressed by her lack of clothing, shot her a stern look and said, “Door open.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. She wanted to ask him, “Or what?” but she tried not to act like that as much in front of other people. What did he think she was gonna do? Wasn’t the fact that she liked girls something they’d already discussed and put behind them? She was forced to reevaluate the situation when her dad’s eyes followed Isaac and his face slipped into a suspicious frown.

Did he think Isaac was gonna do something? Did something happen between them while she was gone?

The boy relaxed as soon as they were out from under Joel’s watchful gaze. “I don’t like your dad,” he informed her as he sat cross-legged on Ellie’s bed. She shrugged. “I don’t think he really likes you either.”

“I was looking for you yesterday, but my mom said you left town.”

“Tommy took me camping for a couple days. They thought I was ‘struggling,’ for some reason…” Ellie trailed off with a smirk, but he didn’t smile back. “We were only gone for one night. What’s up?”

Isaac set his sketchbook down in front of him and pulled out his pencils. “I need you to help me finish this drawing,” he said, turning to a spot in the middle of the book. The sketch was almost finished; it was a rough portrait of Isaac, Esther, and a skinny man with glasses sitting all smushed together and family-like. 

“Is that your dad?” she asked, pointing to the subject she didn’t recognize. He nodded. “I just want it to look more real.” There was an undertone of frustration in his voice. “Will you help me fix it?”

“Sure,” Ellie said, then passed him one of his pencils. “But you should do it; it’s not that hard. I think you just drew it a little flat. If you strengthen the jawline, and move the arms like this…” She walked Isaac through the steps, the things he needed to erase, and watched as he corrected them. Then, when they were done, he appeared lighter somehow, almost satisfied with himself. “I want my mom to have it.”

“You should give it to her.” She thought of Joel’s words to her on the subject. “Kids are supposed to give their parents art.” When he didn’t respond, she asked, “Does this mean you’re gonna start being nicer to her?”

“Yeah,” Isaac nodded. “I’m not gonna hurt her anymore.” That wasn’t exactly what Ellie was asking, but it sounded good to her. It seemed like her friend was thinking hard about something, his brows pinched and concentrated. She was fighting to keep her eyes open as she waited for him to figure out whatever it was he was trying to say. “Can you give it to her?” he asked after another minute.

“What?” Ellie squinted.

“The picture. Can you give it to my mom? It would be awkward if I did…” The last part of the statement felt forced, like that wasn’t the actual reason. It didn’t make sense. Her brows furrowed with confusion at his request. “You don’t think it would be more awkward for me to give your mom a drawing of herself, you, and her dead husband? Considering the fact that she’s sleeping with my dad…”

“Please, Ellie?” he asked, and his words were so sincere and so out of character that she felt compelled to agree. Obviously, he didn’t want to do it himself for whatever reason, and Esther getting the picture was the most important part, not who delivered it. Especially, if it was meant as a peace offering between her and Isaac. “Ok— sure. I’ll give it to her.” He let out a breath and stood up, putting the sketch on her desk before moving in the direction of the open door. “Thanks.”

“I’ll see you at Jesse’s for D&D on Friday,” she said. Ellie was selfishly glad he wasn’t going to be staying much longer. She was beyond exhausted at this point; it was like she couldn’t even think straight. “Yeah…” Isaac mumbled. “See you around.” 

When her friend went home, she didn’t go back downstairs. Instead, she curled up under her purple comforter and pulled the blanket over her head to block out the afternoon sun. The last thing she heard was the sound of Joel’s heavy footsteps on the stairs— probably coming to check that Isaac left her unharmed— before she drifted off into a dreamless sleep. 

Ellie woke up much later to the soft “thwack,” of something small hitting her bedroom window. Moonlight streamed in through the glass as she sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. The digital clock on her nightstand read 00:03. Damn. She slept all evening.

“Thwack!” A stone ricocheted off the wooden casing. She got up to look outside before the noise alerted Joel.

Dina stood on the grass underneath her window, and when Ellie appeared in the frame, she dropped the pile of rocks in her hand and waved her down. She could’ve woken up Joel and told him Dina was outside. Asked permission for her to come in— He would’ve preferred that, and he would’ve said yes, but instead, she pulled on the sweater that her dad left at the end of her bed and tiptoed down to the kitchen, peering into his room on the way just to make sure he was sleeping.

“What are you doing here?” she whispered as she slipped her shoes on and clicked the front door shut behind her.

Dina had come around to the porch to meet her. The girl was wearing the same thing as Ellie, a sweatshirt and a pair of shorts; she was disheveled, and her black hair was a tangled mess, but somehow she still managed to take her breath away. This was the second unexpected friend visit she’d had today, and while it was nice, it threw her off a bit because she wasn’t used to it.

“Do you wanna go for a walk?” she asked. 

“Ok.” Ellie shrugged, figuring that Dina would get around to telling her what this was about at some point. 

They ended up outside the stables, which were locked at this time of night, so they just sat together on a big rock a few feet from the door. Ellie curled her knees up to her chest and Dina stretched her legs out, tracing patterns in the dirt with her sandals.

“Can I talk to you about something? Only it might be something you don’t wanna hear about… I did think of that… but I can’t talk to my mom and there’s no one else.” The girl was quieter than normal; she sounded almost shy as she spoke.

Ellie frowned and nodded. She had a weird, uncomfortable tension in her belly. Like she already knew what Dina wanted to talk about. Her friend took a deep breath and stared at her lap. “Me and Jesse had sex,” she said, then her lips turned down and she added, “Sort of.” 

“How do you sort of have sex?” Ellie asked dully. The girl was right; she didn’t want to hear about this, but like Dina said, she had no one else to talk to. She hesitated before continuing. “Like… We tried to and it didn’t work.” 

Ellie bristled. “What do you mean it didn’t work? If you just… force it up in there, it’ll work.” That probably wasn’t the best advice.

She was pretty sure that was how she ended up with the UTI— and the sex disease. Gon-ora, or whatever it was called. Obviously, everyone who had sex didn’t almost die from it. Esther seemed fine, and Doctor Anderson said infections were more likely to be passed on if there was blood exchanged.  

Dina stared at her with a look of abject horror on her face. “That’s not what I mean,” she said. “Shit,” her friend sighed. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t’ve said anything.”

Ellie took a long, deep breath and closed her eyes. Tried to clear her mind, to relax the fist clenching her insides. “No. I’m sorry. It’s just… I’m just… Nevermind. Why didn’t it work?” It was better to let the other girl keep talking. If she’d learned anything from having Joel in her life, it was that people didn’t always need to have the answers; they just needed to listen.

The other girl glanced at her warily then said, “It went in— It just hurt too much. I couldn’t… We had to stop.” 

“Oh.” That told her two things. One: Jesse wasn’t the kind of asshole who would hurt someone else for his own gain. He was good; he could be trusted— and two: maybe people their age just weren’t old enough to have sex in the first place, even with other teenagers. 

“Do you think there’s something wrong with me?” Dina looked away.

Say something helpful, Ellie thought. Something smart. “There’s nothing wrong with you. It hurt for me too.”

Awesome job. That’s awesome. You just compared Dina innocently having sex with her 17-year-old boyfriend to getting raped by three fully grown men. 

Her friend shot her a pitying look that made Ellie want to crawl into a hole and die. She really needed to fucking say something else right now before this got any worse. “Maybe it hurts if you’re scared,” she said quickly.

Dina was fiddling with the fraying ends of her shorts. “I’m not scared of Jesse. He would never hurt me; he was so sweet, and he was the one who told me we should stop.”

“But you’re scared of what your mom thinks.” Now that was smart. Why couldn’t you have said that before? “Maybe you’re worried she’ll find out and make a big deal about it.”

“Maybe…” The other girl appeared thoughtful. “Maybe you’re right.”

They chatted for another few minutes, then Dina said. “Thanks for talking to me about this. I know it’s selfish for me to bring it up after… what happened to you— but I really appreciate it.”

Her friend hugged her, and Ellie pressed her face into the girl’s neck. She didn’t feel like kissing her right now; that was the farthest thing from her mind. It was just nice to be able to help for once instead of her words always making things worse.

“Do you want me to walk back with you?” Dina peered down the dark, empty street.

“Nah. I’ll be fine. Joel’s just paranoid.”

They separated and Ellie headed back to what she thought would be a quiet house. When she arrived however, all the lights were on in the living room and upstairs. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. Her dad was gonna be PISSED. She approached the door with a newfound caution. How many nights of camping with Tommy would she be sentenced to for sneaking out past midnight?

But when Ellie stepped into the warmth of the entry way, she was startled to find not just Joel sitting at the kitchen table, but Tommy and Maria too. Joel’s whole body seemed to collapse with relief when he saw her. Emotion bled through his fingertips as he grabbed her face in his hands and asked, “Where in the hell were you?” It kinda looked like he was going to cry. 

She put her hands over his. “Dina came over and wanted to talk. I just went to the stables. I’m sorry.”

“Oh Christ.” He pulled her close, and now there was a sick sense of dread making itself at home in the pit of her stomach. “What’s wrong? Why are Tommy and Maria here?” she whispered.

“C’mere Ellie,” Maria motioned for her to come over to the kitchen table, a somber sort of seriousness decorating her features. “We’ve got some really bad news to share with you, sweetheart.” Her eyes were blurry, like she too was close to tears. 

Shit. “What’s going on? Did somebody die?” That had to be it. Nothing else would make Maria this upset. The woman took her hands and reeled her in— “Isaac, honey. Your friend Isaac died.”

Ellie blinked. That didn’t make any sense. “No he didn’t. He was just here like… a few hours ago. Tell her, Joel,” she turned to look at him. “He was just here—“ she insisted.

How could he be dead when he was just here? But her dad didn’t say anything. Instead, he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her chest and her belly— buried his face into her neck. “I’m so sorry, baby, but she’s tellin’ the truth,” he said, and Ellie felt her knees give out.

“No he didn’t,” she repeated. “No he didn’t. How did he die?” 

Joel spun her around to look at him and cupped her face again. He coughed, but when he spoke, it still sounded like there was a frog in his throat. “He took his own life, Ellie.” 

“Oh,” she breathed. Tommy stood up from the table and planted a kiss in her hair, and that’s when Maria’s words finally sank in. Isaac was dead. He killed himself.

That’s why he wanted her to give that drawing to his mom. That’s why he said he wouldn’t hurt Esther anymore. Oh God, Esther. The next thing she knew she was in Joel’s arms, and he was holding her tighter than he’d ever held her before. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” he repeated. It’s gonna be ok,” but her dad was wrong.

It wasn’t going to be ok. Nothing would ever be ok again.

Chapter Text

Ellie moved around the house like a zombie. Not like the infected—no. In the beginning, people used to call the outbreak a ‘zombie apocalypse,’ but as time went on, they began to realize that people with CBI weren’t undead. They weren’t mindless corpses; they were real, living, breathing humans with a brain distortion.

His daughter on the other hand, was a zombie. Slow, lifeless, and rotting in the same pajamas she’d been wearing since the night she returned from her camping trip with Tommy.

She hadn’t cried. Not when they told her, and not after, which to Joel, suggested that she was still in shock. That she didn’t quite believe it yet. Sort of like the immediate aftermath of Colorado, but unlike Colorado, Ellie suffered in silence. She didn’t try to brush her feelings off. Didn’t try to pretend everything was fine. He couldn’t get her to eat. Couldn’t get her to shower. To brush her hair. 

Mid-morning on the third day, he decided that enough was enough. It took him physically picking her up out of bed and placing her on the toilet seat next to a clean outfit before she even acknowledged he was there. “I don’t need a shower,” she said dully. 

“Oh yes you do,” he replied. “You’re ripe, kiddo.” 

“Can you just do it?” Ellie asked. “I don’t want to.” Can he give her a shower? Jesus. That’d go over real well with his brother downstairs. Most days Joel got a kick outta seein’ her act like a kid, but this was takin’ her childish sensibilities a bit too far. “No, I’m afraid you’re gonna need to do that one yourself.”

“But why? I know you won’t look at me.” Her voice was still flat, uncaring.

“Ellie,” he gentled his tone. “You’re fifteen years old. You need to take your own shower. Then, when you’re done, you need to come downstairs and have something to eat. Tommy’s makin’ pancakes.”

“I don’t want pancakes.” 

“Well, I’m sorry to say this ain’t a democracy, chickie pie.” Joel kissed her greasy hair and moved in the direction of the door. “Don’t lock this,” he said, gesturing to the knob.

Years ago, when he’d watched that documentary for parents about self harm, he’d learned that kids whose friends or family members died by suicide were something like half as likely to follow suit. It was gonna be a long time before his brain stopped thinkin’ in terrifying statistics like that one.

Himself: Joel was compartmentalizing. In this world, death was commonplace. Death of a child, still common, but sharper. But the death of a kid so close to their family, to Ellie… to him. It was enough to knock him under the waves. Focusing on that little girl in the bathroom, taking care of his living, breathing, beautiful daughter who needed him, was the only thing he could do to keep the ghosts at bay. Trying to concentrate on anything else— on anyone else, left him drowning. 

He heard the sound of the shower turn on, and Joel breathed a sigh of relief. She could lay in bed all she wanted, but he couldn’t stand the sight of her wasting away in her own filth. Taking advantage of the opportunity while he had it, Joel changed her sheets and opened her window to get some air circulating in the room. 

Tommy was just putting the last of the pancakes onto a plate when he came downstairs. He looked up when Joel appeared in the kitchen. “How’s she doin’?”

“The same— more or less,” he shrugged. His brother and Maria had been taking turns staying at the house, sleeping on the couch, since they didn’t have a guest bedroom. Tommy stayed the first night, then Maria was over yesterday, and now Tommy again today, and as much as Joel didn’t need the help with Ellie, he appreciated the distraction.

“Eugene came by with Dina again, but I told him not yet.” That was the second time Ellie’s outgoing friend had tried to visit. The girl was an opposite to his daughter in that way. She needed to process her grief in a herd, whereas Ellie, like a wild animal, withdrew to lick her wounds. 

“He said the boys finished the grave— It’s lookin’ like the funeral’s gonna be tomorrow afternoon. Sue and Maria are workin’ out the details right now.”

Joel gave a solemn nod in response. Gone were the days when funerals and burials could happen together. Bodies didn’t keep like they used to without all that fancy embalming technology. They were still on the tail end of summer, so the sooner it went in the ground the better. 

He closed his eyes and tried not to think about how quickly a child’s body begins to stiffen and pale. That after three days it starts to bloat. Small arms and legs swell, the little tummy expands, enough to make a twelve-year-old girl look pregnant—

“Did you ever find it again?” he asked, staring at a spot on the counter. “When you took that trip home.”

Tommy didn’t need to ask what it was. They were both thinking of the same thing. A hastily dug, unmarked grave off the side of the SH 130 in Austin. “No. We looked… but no.”

Figures. Wouldn’t be nothin’ left but bones now anyways. He cleared his throat and took a seat at the dining table. They sat in silence for long moments, waiting to see if Ellie would appear in the kitchen. She wasn’t in the shower for more than five or six minutes before he heard the water shut off upstairs. Enough time to wash her hair and scrub the campfire stink off her body at least.

When Ellie came downstairs, she was dressed in the new pjs Maria brought for her last night; the dino-SNORE ones no longer fit big enough to be comfy thanks to a few good months of regular meals. These ones were a dark blue set with a graphic of a Koala bear on the t-shirt that said, “All you need is sleep.” She now fit into a size small women’s or a size 18 girls.

She was holding her hairbrush, auburn locks falling in matted tangles around her face. “Can you help me?” she asked, and her composure crumbled with the energy it took for her to speak. Fat tears slid down her cheeks, her bottom lip quivering. 

Alright. We’re cryin’ about our hair. That’s somethin’ at least. Tommy shot him a disturbed look over the girl’s shoulder, but Joel just beckoned her forward. The whole scenario reminded him uncomfortably of that basement warehouse where she was so distraught she needed help buttoning her jeans. Tommy wasn’t there for that. 

“C’mere baby.” 

She sat on his lap and he took the brush, starting at the ends as she buried her head in her hands, body shaking with quiet sobs. “You remember we talked about usin’ conditioner?” he asked. “Your hair’s too thick to be washin’ with shampoo and callin’ it done.” That was something Joel had needed a lesson on as well— Sarah’s hair was always thinner; too much product and it could get greasy the same day it was washed.

Ellie nodded and let out another soul-rendering cry. By the time her hair was de-tangled, her sobs had turned into sniffles and she was taking deep, calming breaths. “Why don’ you have some pancakes?” he suggested, nudging her to sit down in her own chair. 

His daughter sat obediently next to him, taking slow, mindless bites of dough and chewing double the amount of times that she needed to be able to swallow. “There’s gonna be a funeral for Isaac tomorrow,” Tommy informed her gently, pouring a glass of milk from the fridge and setting it down in front of her. “You feel up to goin’?”

“I’ve never been to a funeral before,” she said. That wasn’t an answer, just a statement, and it didn’t look like his brother knew how to respond, so Joel tucked his arm around the back of her chair and stepped in. “Everyone who knew Isaac is gonna gather ‘round the grave, then people are gonna talk about him.”

“Which people?” she asked. “Esther?”

The familiar name stirred a deep, aching discomfort inside his chest. Like someone taking a sledgehammer to the brick walls he’d been meticulously crafting around his heart. “No, I doubt she’ll be up to speakin’,” he said softly.

“I know your friend Jesse was fixin’ to say somethin’,” Tommy told her. “An’ Maria said that Robin an’ Eric had a speech prepared. Sue might give the eulogy, but if she ain’t feelin’ up to it, Eugene said he’d deliver it. If there’s anything you’d like to say, I can let ‘em know,” his brother added.

Ellie shook her head, “I don’t want to.” 

“You don’t have to,” Joel was quick to reassure. “But I think it’s a good idea for you to go to the funeral.” When he spoke, she turned to him with an inquiring frown and asked, “How did he do it? With a gun? I didn’t hear any shots.” 

“I don’ think—” Tommy started, but Joel held up a hand to stop his brother from continuing. Talkin’ about it in any capacity was a good sign. He wasn’t about to shut her down. If the younger Miller was worried that knowing the method would give her ideas, well— Ellie didn’t need ideas. She already knew her options. His daughter had seen enough people die to know how it was done. Bottling up her feelings would only make her more likely to turn those feelings back on herself.

Joel sighed and combed her wet hair back with his fingers, “He hung himself from the bar in his bedroom closet.”

“Oh,” she said, stirring around bits of pancake on her plate. His blunt honesty seemed to be the push she needed to open up. “He gave me a picture of his family that he drew and he asked me to give it to his mom. Like a peace offering. I thought it was weird he wanted me to do it. I should’ve told you—” Her voice broke again and emerald eyes filled with tears. “He said he wasn’t gonna hurt her anymore, but I didn’t know this is what he meant—”

“You couldn’t’ve known,” Joel told her firmly. 

“I could’ve if I paid more attention. It’s like with Sam,” she sniffled. “I wasn’t even listening to him; the whole time I was just waiting for Isaac to leave so I could go to sleep, and if I hadn’t helped him finish his drawing then maybe he would’ve waited, and maybe the next time I saw him I wouldn’t’ve been so tired and I could’ve—” 

“Ellie,” he hushed. “There’s nothin’ you could’ve done.” No fifteen year-old-girl was skilled enough to read between the lines like that. The last and only suicide she’d witnessed, as far as Joel knew, was spur of the moment. It wasn’t planned out or pre-meditated. No way she would’ve been able to recognize the signs. 

“It’s ok to feel like you coulda done more, sweetheart,” Tommy said. “Thas’ a natural response when someone close to us dies— But just cos you feel it don’t make it true.”

She put down her fork and scowled at the table. “It’s not fair. How could he do that to Esther? He said he wasn’t gonna hurt her anymore and then he goes and does that. What if she kills herself to? —Like Henry. Then it’s all his fault, and he’s not even here to get blamed for it—”

“Esther’s got lots of real good people lookin’ after her,” Joel soothed, already dreading where this conversation was going. 

“Can we go see her?” she asked. “I have to give her the picture from Isaac; he wanted her to have it.”

“How ‘bout you let Maria take you?—  After the funeral,” Tommy suggested lightly, and he was grateful to his brother for taking the reigns on this one. 

“Why?” Ellie questioned. “Why can’t you take me?” she turned to Joel. 

He sighed and rubbed his forehead with his thumb and pointer finger. This wasn’t gonna be pretty. “Ellie…” he trailed off, trying hard to think of a way to word this without sounding harsh or insensitive. “Honey, I can’t take you to go see her, cos I ain’t seein’ Esther right now.”

“What do you mean you’re not seeing her?” Her scowl transformed into a look of genuine misunderstanding. “Like she won’t let you?”

“It ain’t that…” he treaded carefully. “Baby girl, I need you to hear me when I say I’m not tryin’ to hurt the woman, but I can’t be around her right now. Losin’ a child like that— It ain’t somethin’ I can stomach…” Yeah— Joel was doing a shit job at explainin’ it to her, and he was rewarded with exactly the kind of reaction his pitiful response deserved. 

“So, you’re breaking up with her because Isaac died?” she asked, dumbfounded. 

“It ain’t exactly breakin’ up, Ellie…” He should’ve done a better job at talkin’ to her about it before; never should’ve let her get so confused. “I wish things were different, baby. I do.”

“No you don’t—” she pushed her chair back, wooden legs scraping against the floorboards as she stood up. “No you don’t! You don’t fucking get to do this—” Ellie was winding up now. Borderline yelling, her eyes wide with disbelief. “You can’t just leave her alone!”

“Ellie—” Tommy tried, but she brushed him off with a fierce glare.“You’re not even gonna tell her?” the little girl demanded. 

“Honey she ain’t gonna be in no state to have that conversation—”

“So, don’t have it!” Ellie sputtered. “Talk to her! Fuck Joel, you already know what it’s like— You can help her!” she insisted, and Joel was gripping the table hard enough to leave fingerprint indents.

His daughter couldn’t understand because she’d never been through it. She couldn’t comprehend the sheer agony of losing a piece of your soul like that— Of outliving your own child. There weren’t words to describe it and Joel fought every day to move forward. To find something to fight for. It had taken over two decades to claw himself out of that hole and he couldn’t let this tragedy drag him back there. Ellie needed a dad, not the shell of one and he couldn’t do both.

When he didn’t respond to her, Ellie let out a stunted cross between a laugh and a sob. “That’s awesome. That’s just fucking awesome. So, you didn’t ever really give a shit about her then? You just wanted to fuck her and as soon as things get hard you leave— That’s good to know. You’re setting such a great example.” 

“Hey now,” he chided. “You don’t need to be talkin’ like that—” Joel reached for her, but she dodged him. “No, fuck you, Joel!” She was crying again. Red, angry streaks down the sides of her face. “Everything you say is lies! You’re just like every other man. All you care about is sex—” 

“Woah—woah—woah— I know you’re upset, but there is no reason for you to treat your daddy like this—” his brother tried to defend, but he didn’t get a chance to finish before Ellie started screamin’ again. “Shut up! Just shut up! I hate you all—” She pushed her plate off the table so hard that it crashed into the wall and shattered on the floor. “I hate you so much!” 

Ellie made for the stairs and he let her go. It was no use trying to reason with her while she was this worked up. Girl slammed that bedroom door so hard it shook the walls. Joel wouldn’t be surprised if she cracked the frame.

Heat welled behind his eyes and Joel gritted his teeth to stop a cascade of his own tears from falling as he sagged back into the dining chair with a sigh. Tommy gave him a moment to collect himself, then his brother approached and put a hand on his shoulder. “You’re a good daddy, Joel,” he said. “She’s just hurtin’ real good an’ she don’ know how else to say it.” He recognized those words as his own, from the night Ellie broke down at the other Miller household.

Joel stood up again and leaned his weight gently against the table. “Will you watch her?” he asked, eyes darting toward the stairs, then back to Tommy. His brother frowned. “What are you gonna do?”

“I’m goin’ over to Esther’s,” he replied, daring the younger man to challenge him— But by this point in their lives, he knew better than to try. 

Chapter Text

Ellie really needed to stop telling people she hated them when she didn’t mean it. She didn’t hate Tommy; she wasn’t even mad at him— And Joel, well— it was long established that there was nothing her dad could do to earn her genuine hatred. Still, she was so sickeningly angry with him it caused her actual, physical pain. Like thick fingers kneading inside her belly.

She wanted her ignorance back. Ellie wanted to go back to a time before Isaac ever told her about Joel and Esther; she couldn’t bear to think of him using a woman like that. As much as the idea of Joel having a girlfriend creeped her out and made her jealous, it was better than the alternative. That he was fundamentally the same as every other man. The same as David. A hedonistic, sex-driven being that didn’t give a shit who he hurt in the process as long as he got what he wanted in the end. The thought made her want to puke.

Her disgusting, evil, perverted brain always brought her back to the same nasty sights and sounds, the ones from her dreams. Joel making those weird faces and weird pleasure noises. His hands all over her… all over Esther. All over whoever. It was all the same. The worst part was that she couldn’t even be mad at Isaac because he was fucking dead. 

He killed himself because Ellie was too tired to pay attention to her friend when he needed her. Who the fuck would draw a picture and ask someone else to give it to their mom? Someone who was about to hang himself from the bar in his bedroom closet— that’s who. For fucks’ sake; she was so stupid. 

It took a while of stewing in her own self-pity for Ellie to realize that the phantom pain in her stomach was real pain. The squeezing and pressure in her guts wasn’t going away, so she got up to use the bathroom. When she pulled down her jammie pants, she understood the source of the ache. Her inner thighs were streaked crimson. 

The blood was a jarring reminder of the last time she got her period— at Isaac’s house, when the boy had knocked on the bathroom door to make sure she was ok, then went to get Joel when she wasn’t. Esther told him she got sick and had to go home, but he knew what really happened. How could he not? 

The boy never brought it up again. He never teased her or made her feel embarrassed, but when it came down to it, Ellie hadn’t shown him the same compassion. 

Not even close. 

When he asked her to help him break up their parents, she flat out rejected him. She hadn’t even tried to talk to him about it, or figure out why he felt that way. God, she KNEW why he felt that way.

Instead, she made him feel bad; she made him believe his feelings were wrong even though she was upset about it too. Ellie had wanted so badly to be Joel’s good, perfect daughter— She’d been so scared that her dad would fall in love with Esther and forget about her, that she let everyone believe Isaac was the bad guy.

She KNEW he felt alone, angry, and sad, but she just let him keep feeling that way without even trying to help. 

She looked in the cupboard under the sink for pads, but found the box empty, though she could’ve sworn there were still some left. On top of that, Ellie was pretty sure her huge fucking tantrum had driven Joel out of the house, which left Tommy alone downstairs in the kitchen. 

Why couldn’t this’ve happened yesterday when Maria was here?

Maria never would’ve let her get away with having a fit like that, and she couldn’t imagine telling the stern woman to shut up. Not unless she wanted to get her ass handed to her. 

This was so stupid. Everything was so stupid. 

Ellie wiped a few stray tears from her eyes and steeled herself. She wadded up a bunch of toilet paper and stuck it in her ruined underwear, not bothering to clean the blood off her legs before padding downstairs, bare feet sticking to the hardwood.

Her uncle was sweeping up pieces of broken plate off the floor when she came into view. A sick sense of self-loathing compounded with the cramps already knotting in her gut— She didn’t deserve to have him as her uncle. Not after screaming at him and telling him she hated him. 

“Where’s Joel?” she asked.

Tommy looked up with pursed lips when she spoke and propped the broom against the wall. “He went over to Esther’s place.” 

Fuck. Ellie didn’t have the brain power to process that information right now. It was what she’d wanted in the first place— for her dad to help Esther. She’d been so mean to him, practically forced him to go. Now Joel was probably going to kill himself from thinking about Sarah too much; it would be her fault. Then, Ellie would have to live with Tommy and Maria. If they even still wanted her.

She let out her breath in a huff and tried not to sound like the biggest baby on the planet when she said, “I need him.”

The younger Miller’s face changed from serious to disapproving. “Ellie, I love you child, and I understand you’ve been through a lot this past year, but I’m gonna let you know right now that this—” he gestured at her, “what you’re doin’— is takin’ advantage. You can’t come down here, throw a fit an’ make the man feel like shit for not visiting Esther, then get upset when he does.” 

Using the collar of her shirt to soak up more tears, she sucked in a shaky inhale. It was best to just get this over with, like ripping off a band-aid. “I know. I’m not trying to. But I’m bleeding everywhere and we’re out of pads.” 

Clearly, that was not what Tommy was expecting her to say. His mouth fell slack. “Uh...” He rubbed his forehead, brows furrowed. If she wasn’t so distraught, the sheer discomfort in his expression might’ve made her laugh. “Ok,” he said, a new sort of determination in his voice. “Wait here. An’ don’t you dare do anything that’s gonna make your daddy yell at me. You owe me for that stunt you just pulled, little girl.”

“I won’t,” she promised. Tommy made to leave, but before he got as far as the door, he paused and turned back around like he had another idea. “Did you check in the front pocket of your backpack? The one with the monster keychain danglin’ off the zipper,” he asked.

“No…” Ellie trailed off.

“Right. Well, look there first.” How the fuck did Tommy know there were pads in her backpack? Come to think of it, she did remember Joel packing some for her before she left the other day. Still, why would he tell her uncle that? It was just awkward. 

Sure enough, when she unzipped her bag, she found the rest of the period supplies, enough for a couple days at least. Ellie cleaned herself up, put her underwear in her wash basket, and changed into a fresh shirt and her black Brooklyn sweatpants from the Firefly hospital. Those ones couldn’t get anymore wrecked than they already were. Then, when she was done, she steeled herself and went back downstairs. 

Tommy was sitting at the table now. He was working over some sort of supply book, pencil in hand, mouth set in a pensive frown. When he saw her, he put the book down. “Getter figured out?” he asked.

Ellie gave a slow nod, sitting down across from him; she rested her arms on the table, buried her face in them, and mumbled, “M’sorry for getting so mad.”

The younger Miller let out a long sigh. “I know you are, honey.”

“And I shouldn’t’ve said that to Joel. It’s just… everything always makes me think of David— And even though I know he’s not hurting Esther like that, it still feels like he is, and I’m sad about Isaac and mad at him too, and I don’t know how to like… I can’t…” Her fingers spread then clenched with frustration and she lifted her head. “I can’t get it to separate. Does that make sense?”

“Course it does,” he said. “Bad things don’ just happen to us one at a time, and life don’t stop an’ wait for you to feel better before it throws you another curve ball.” 

Why did he have to be so nice to her? 

Her uncle wasn’t done. “It’s good that you’re recognizin’ those things in yourself, but now you need to take that logic and apply it to the people around you. Just like— David—” he said the name with an exaggerated caution, “—is always on your mind, Sarah is always on Joel’s. Everything he does is colored by that loss. So, when he says he can’t stomach bein’ around Esther while she’s grieving like that, he ain’t doin’ it to be an asshole. He’s doin’ it because it hurts too much to go back there.”

Ellie kept her eyes on her lap as he spoke. “In a lot of ways, Joel grew up with that girl. He had her so young, an’ he was doin’ it all on his own. Bein’ a dad became his whole identity, his whole reason for living— a lot like it is now,” Tommy fixed her with a pointed stare. “Now, I’m not sayin’ that’s on you. At the end of the day, only one of you is the adult here. But you also need to be mindful of the power you wield. He didn’t wanna get swept into that cycle of grief again with Esther cos he’s afraid if he does, he won’t be able to be a good dad— But then he sees how badly that decision affects you, so he goes anyway.” 

“Is that why you didn’t want to have kids?” she asked, trying to distract herself from the guilty nausea his words left her with—“Because of what happened to Sarah.” 

There was a sadness in her uncle’s eyes that told her yes, that was the reason, but he shot her a gentle, almost playful smirk and said the opposite. “Naw— It’s just too much work. Now nieces, you can have fun with them— then as soon as they start gettin’ on your nerves, you just hand ‘em back to daddy and be on your way,” he jested. 

“Whatever,” Ellie rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair. “I’m nervous to see Dina and Jesse tomorrow. What if I get too overwhelmed and freak out at them like I did this morning? Or yell at them like I yelled at Isaac the other day…” she swallowed. She hadn’t even seen Jesse since then, and he was the one who had to hold her back from attacking their friend. You know, the friend who was dead now. 

“Just take it one step at a time, honey. Best thing to do is to keep tellin’ us how you feel. If it gets to be too much, or if you need a break, don’t sit there an’ suffer— Say something. You can talk to me, you can talk to Joel, Maria, Eugene— Biggest thing to remember is that you’re in control of your own actions.” There was a strictness to the statement as he spoke, one he didn’t normally use when he talked to her. 

Ellie heard what he was saying. She understood and she was prepared to try, but all she wanted right now was for him to be sweet with her again, so she got up from the table to give him a hug. I love you, I love you, I love you, she repeated in her head as she clung to him, arms around his neck in the spot where he sat. Please don’t be mad at me. 

He smoothed down her hair. “Ok—ok. Why don’t you try to get some more rest? I’m not sure how long Joel’s gonna be gone for, but I’ll come up and check on you in a little bit if he ain’t back soon.”

“Kay,” she said, listening to what she was told. It was the least she could do. 

If Tommy checked on her throughout the day, she didn’t notice because almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, she was out, probably tired from all that emotional exertion. It wasn’t until much later, like well into night time later, that she woke up— Man, her sleep schedule was getting weird.

Ellie opened her eyes to the sound of Joel arriving home, the low hum of greetings exchanged between brothers, then another voice, Maria she assumed coming to see her husband. 

When she heard the familiar heavy footsteps on the stairs, Ellie shut her eyes again and feigned sleep. She wasn’t ready to talk to Joel yet, just in case he was still angry. He came into her room without knocking. Not that he needed to; the door was open, and he sat down on the bed next to her.

Even without seeing him, she could tell there was something strange about the way he moved. In the sound of his breathing. Joel tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and she could’ve sworn his hand was shaking. Her dad sat with her for a long time, then when he finally stood up, he walked half way across the room, stopped, swore to himself, then turned back around.

Before Ellie understood what was happening, one of Joel’s arms tucked under her shoulders, the other sliding under her knees as he picked her up off the bed. He must’ve known by now that she was awake, but she stayed quiet and allowed him to carry her through the hall and into his room, where he laid her down on what used to be her side of the big bed.

She wasn’t that tired anymore, but if Joel was sad enough that he needed her to sleep next to him, then she ought to be a good daughter and try. Ellie had already caused enough damage today. Maybe tomorrow would be better, but she doubted it.

Chapter Text

Joel shouldn’t be doing this. For fuck’s sake. He should NOT be disrupting his fifteen-year-old daughter’s already fragile sleep routine by bringing her back into his bed after weeks of sleeping on her own.

She’d been doing so good, and this one selfish act had the potential to set her progress back for months to come. Ellie didn’t agree of course; she stretched and smiled, then all but purred as she snuggled sleepily into his side. 

Still didn’t make it ok. He was an almost fifty-year-old man. He shouldn’t need his emotional support daughter to sleep beside him like she was an object for his comfort and not a fully-fledged, growing girl with her own mental limitations that he was currently screwing with— But it was too late now. The damage had already been done; best not to dwell on it. 

Joel consoled himself in the knowledge that his presence wasn’t hurting her. He would never do anything to hurt her, and they’d been through so much together. So what if they both had some attachment issues to work through?

Yeah— you keep telling yourself that, old man. 

It was the haunted look in Esther’s eyes that did it: the thing that pushed him over the edge and brought him to this point.

Empty, hollow nothingness where you didn’t even have the strength to wish yourself dead because you already were. To go on living without your child— It was almost like losing a limb, if the limb was a bright, energetic, blue-eyed little girl who depended on you for protection… or an angry, grieving teenage boy you didn’t know how to help even when he was begging for it.

That anger and grief was something that Isaac and Ellie had always shared. He’d been able to see that since the first day the pair met at the lake. Isaac lashing out at his mother, Ellie losing her grasp on reality whenever she became overwhelmed; those two were cut from the same cloth. Classic bite the hand that feeds you behaviour.

It was that, even more so than re-living the loss of Sarah that had been nagging at him since he returned home this evening.

It could so easily be Joel in Esther’s position right now. One slip up, one momentary loss of control, one stupid fight gone wrong, and his daughter could end up in the ground right next to her sullen friend. Another little girl he couldn’t protect. That was why he needed her with him tonight; if he could feel her near, if she was alive and breathing, then he still had time to change her fate. 

Ellie let out what sounded like a frustrated groan and jabbed her foot into his leg. He’d like to say it wasn’t on purpose, but her toes lingered by his knee and when he glanced down at her, her eyes were open.

“You know, if it’s attention you want, you can jus’ ask. You don’ need to beat it outta me,” he said lightly. 

“I wasn’t beating you,” she huffed. “I just wanted to tell you that I wish I was a boy.” 

Ellie. She was so goddamn adorable sometimes, even when she wasn’t tryin’ to be. “Yeah, Tommy told me it was code red in here tonight.”

“Code red?” his daughter glared up at him, and Joel smirked. “I reckon there’s a lot of nicknames for it, but you know what I mean. Code red, shark week. Tess used to call it Bloody Mary…”

“That’s fucking gross,” she wrinkled her nose. “But I guess it does kind of feel like a shark biting my insides open.”

He didn’t have time to tell her that biting wasn’t what the phrase shark week referred to, or even to respond at all before she started talking again, “I mean, what’s the point of getting it in the first place if I’m a fucking lesbian? It’s not like I could ever get pregnant anyways, unless I got raped again, but…” 

“Ellie,” Joel stopped her before she could finish her sentence. It was selfish, but it seemed like more of a random, throwaway comment, not something she was currently upset about, and the last thing he wanted to do was relive another moment in which he failed to keep her safe. Not right now. 

Instead, he forced his mind to focus on the first part of her statement. Just a small thing, but Joel had never heard his daughter identify her sexuality with a name before. Usually, they danced around it.

Lesbian, not bisexual. That was what he’d assumed considering he’d never seen her so much as glance twice at the opposite sex. Still, it was good to know. 

“Sorry,” she sighed. “And I’m sorry for being such a bitch to you when I woke up.”

The apology was dull and lifeless, and Joel might’ve thought it was insincere if she didn’t follow it up by burying her face in her arms and mumbling, “I know I always say that, so it doesn’t really mean anything anymore. But I hate hurting you. I don’t know why I always do it, and Tommy got mad at me this time and I deserved it, but I don’t know how to stop because every time I get upset I just blow up at everyone, even Isaac and now he’s dead—” 

Ellie dissolved into a fit of muffled sobs, and it sounded like she was choking. All Joel could think in that moment was, Jesus, Mary, an’ Joseph, his girl sure knew how to turn one issue into twenty.

He didn’t say anything, just trailed his fingers up and down her back, from the base of her neck to the bottom of her spine until she was breathing even again. 

Then, when she was calmer, he leaned against the wall and said, “Isaac didn’t kill himself cos you blew up at him. There were lots of reasons. Probly a lot more than we’ll ever understand. An’ I don’t want you goin’ around all worried that you’re hurtin’ me neither. You ain’t.”

That was a dangerous mindset. Especially after hearing what Ellie had to say about her last conversation with Esther’s son. “Your friend made the mistake of thinkin’ his Mama was better off without him, and I don’t want you doin’ the same.”

“But I do hurt you,” she insisted, sitting up in bed. “I made you go see Esther even after you told me you didn’t want to. Even Tommy said that was wrong. I screamed at you, AGAIN. I broke the plate, and I told you I hated you, but I don’t hate you. I love you.” 

“Tcht. I know you don’t hate me, girl, and you didn’t make me do nothin’,” he said. “I went to see Esther because you were right. No matter what I was feelin’, it wasn’t nice of me to stay away at a time like this— As for my brother… I don’ know what he said to you, but I reckon you two have already made your peace.”

“You’re just saying all this so I won’t kill myself too,” she grumbled, and Joel suppressed a groan.

Yes and no. He could handle the arguin’. Joel could handle just about anything Ellie decided to throw at him so long as it meant she was still around to throw things. It wasn’t like he wanted to give her permission to act like an animal, but he also wanted her to know that nothin’ she did could ever make him wish her gone.

Ellie cupped as much of his face with her hands as their size would allow and pressed her forehead against his, her brows knitting together in a serious, almost aggressive line. “I won’t ever— ever do that to you,” she stressed. 

He put his hands over hers and peeled her fingers gently from his beard, stroking them with his thumbs. “I’m glad,” Joel said evenly. “But I also know that people who hurt themselves ain’t always thinkin’ straight when they do it. All I’m askin’, is that you promise me you’ll say somethin’ if it ever gets that bad. I don’ care if you scream it at me, or write it down in your journal and leave it for me to read. Hell, you can tell someone else if you prefer, just as long as you tell somebody.” 

“I will. I promise,” she said, and Joel felt his muscles unclench a little. “Do you think I should bring Isaac’s drawing to give to Esther at the funeral?” Ellie asked. 

“No, I don’ think so.” He couldn’t imagine that being a good idea. “I’ll take you over there sometime next week.”

Esther was dealing with her grief a bit differently than Joel had in that first week. It took him days to accept that Sarah hadn’t just fainted, that she was dead, not sleeping. He’d gone into a frenzy that turned violent once Tommy snapped him out of it. 

Isaac’s mom on the other hand, seemed well aware of what had happened. She was coherent, and she was able to articulate what she needed. Right now, that seemed to be the need for space.

People gathered to make her food, do her laundry, and remind her to drink water, but she was more or less isolating herself from everyone. Sleeping in the boy’s room. Wearing his t-shirts. Based on that observation, she’d probably be most comfortable at home. 

“I can go with Maria,” Ellie offered, and he heard the guilt in her voice. Joel regretted making her feel bad about it in the first place. He should’ve anticipated that she’d want to see Esther from the get go and prepared himself.

“I’ll take you,” he repeated. Like ripping off a bandaid, next time would be easier.

She glanced at the picture of Sarah that was still on his nightstand, then frowned. “I’ll be right back.”

He was confused at first when she stopped off at the bathroom, to change her pad, he assumed. It felt like she’d left on more of a mission than that. But when she was done, she washed her hands and he peeked across the hall just in time to see her dip into her room and retrieve a piece of paper from one of her drawers. 

When she came back, his daughter had the sketch paper hidden behind her back, a nervous trepidation in her face as she ambled closer. “You said kids are supposed to make their parents art, so I made you a picture. It was going to be for your birthday, but I thought maybe now…” Ellie trailed off, unmoving.

Twenty odd years and Joel was still shit at receiving gifts. Truthfully, he’d hoped to be spared the agony of celebrating his birthday this year. Though he supposed it wasn’t even September yet; if she was giving him his present now, he might still get away scot-free. He motioned her forward. “Let’s see.” 

The little girl scooted in next to him on the bed, her drawing still behind her back, and when she was comfortably seated, she took a deep breath and passed it over. “If you don’t like it, you don’t have to put it on the fridge or anything…”

That was the last thing Joel heard her say before his heart dropped into his stomach.

He’d been expecting a family portrait of some kind. Something like what poor Isaac had drawn for Esther. Joel was familiar enough with his daughter’s timing to know she didn’t always see the irony in it, but the reality left him both stunned and speechless. 

Of course Ellie would try to draw Sarah. That part was so in character that he was left kicking himself for not predicting it sooner. What surprised him most, was that she’d drawn herself too. 

He supposed it was a family portrait of sorts: Ellie and Sarah, just as they were, fifteen and twelve, locked in a sisterly embrace, both girls grinning ear-to-ear. The drawing was done in color, and Christ did she ever do a good job. The top of the paper read, Happy Birthday Dad. 

Joel didn’t know what to say, deep emotion welling in his chest. “I know it’s not your birthday yet, but I didn’t want to erase the top part and fuck it all up…” she rambled, and something broke inside him.

He wasn’t sure if it was the stress of the last few days, or their fight this morning. Maybe it was the memory of his first daughter clinging to his skin with the same force as the night she died, but hot tears pooled in his eyes. He blinked to try and clear them, but he was too late and salty liquid trickled down his cheeks.

Setting the picture down so he wouldn’t ruin it, Joel wiped his face with his arm. It was only then that Ellie noticed he was crying.

Pretty green eyes widened with horror, then shone with their own unshed wetness. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry. I’m sorry—” she repeated, worming her way into his lap. “Please, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry—” 

“Shh— Shh—” Joel soothed, smoothing her hair down as he held her close. “I’m alright. Everything’s alright.” He lamented his loss of control. The only other time Ellie had seen him cry was during the rape; it made sense that the sight would scare her.

“You jus’ caught me by surprise, thas’ all.” His voice was still gravelly, but he was able to wipe away the last of the tears from his cheeks before she looked up at him again.

“You hate it,” she fretted. “I showed Tommy and he said you’d like it but maybe he was wrong—” 

“I ain’t cryin’ cos I hate it, silly girl.” Joel put her back down on the bed next to him. “I reckon this is my favorite little sketch you’ve done so far.”

“Really?”

“Yep.” It was still hard to keep the overwhelming combination of grief and love from bleeding into his tone. He couldn’t tell her that she was the best, most beautiful thing to come into his life in two decades. Joel couldn’t say that she’d given him a reason to keep living. That he would take down an entire army just to keep her safe. He couldn’t get the words out without scaring her again, so instead, he said, “We’ll find a nice frame and hang it up in the living room.”

Joel had spent the entire day with a cement block on his chest. An impending doom, like he was going to lose Ellie any second. Maybe his weakness tonight, his bringing her into his room, wasn’t a setback but a blessing in disguise.

Maybe these last sweet moments alone with his daughter were exactly what he needed to be able to help her through tomorrow. Or it could just be that the emotional release allowed him the chance to breathe deeper. Either way, they were in this together now, and somewhere up above, Sarah was smiling down on them.

Chapter Text

“Do I have to wear an undershirt? Can’t I just wear my armband?” Ellie asked, staring up at Joel with a pouting frown on her face. 

“You can’t wear a lime green armband to a funeral, Ellie.” 

“Why don’t you try on the shirt I brought over for you?” Maria suggested, and she wrinkled her nose at the offending garment. “It’s not even a shirt; it’s a dress. I already have something to wear.”

“You might regret that when everyone else is dressed up nice and you’re in your Stars Wars t-shirt and those ugly old black leggings.”

“I don’t care,” she huffed, “— and neither would Isaac. He wore his pajamas all the time.”

“Watch your tone missy,” the woman warned. “Your dad and I are not fighting with you today.” 

Ellie buried her face in her arms and scowled at the table so Maria wouldn’t see. She wasn’t fighting, but her insides were churning, and she was bleeding everywhere. Her period wrecked another pair of underwear even though she changed her pad halfway through the night, so she stuck two of them in there this morning— But they were bulky and made her feel like she was wearing a diaper. 

The blood was gross and always reminded her of things she didn’t want to think about, and now it also reminded her of Isaac, and they were going to Isaac’s funeral in an hour, and what the fuck did it matter what she was wearing when her friend killed himself and his body was rotting in the ground?

“Just let her do what she wants,” Joel interjected with a tired sigh from the spot to her left. “She’s right. It don’t really matter.”

“Fine,” Maria said curtly, hands raised and submissive. “She’s all yours then.” The woman left the kitchen to go stand out on the porch and Ellie peeked at Joel from between her fingers to see if he was mad at her too. 

His lips were pursed like he might be, but when he saw she was looking, Joel changed his face into a more neutral expression and started rubbing his thumb back and forth across her wrist in soothing lines. “She ain’t upset with you,” he explained. “Maria’s spent a lot of time plannin’ this funeral and that takes a toll. She’s not in a good head space right now.”

“When’s Tommy coming back?” she asked. Maybe if Tommy was here he could relax her; he was good at calming Maria down when she was stressed out.

The younger Miller was called away early this morning to vet some survivors for entry at the dam. Her uncle had told them initially that the group would have to wait with the guards until after the funeral, but then Terrence said there were kids involved, so Tommy took one for the team and rode up there to try and get it done quickly.

“Shouldn’t be long now,” he placated, nudging her oatmeal closer for consumption, but Ellie didn’t want it. She briefly considered starving herself again so the monthly misery would disappear, but figured Joel wouldn’t let her get away with that for long. 

After being forced to eat three more bites— three times— and sitting through Joel pretending the spoon was a rocket ship, she was told to go get dressed.

Her dad didn’t make a single comment when she came back downstairs in her space shirt and tights. Maybe it was because she had long sleeves on underneath. He wasn’t dressed that fancy either; he wore the same variation of what he always did outside of work, jeans and a button-down shirt. The only difference was that his shirt was black, which wasn’t a color he usually favored.

“Ready to go kiddo?” he asked. Maria had left a few minutes ahead of them to go meet Tommy and change, so it was just her and Joel.

“I guess,” she shrugged, even though it wasn’t true. 

Ellie had never seen anybody look the way Esther did that afternoon when they arrived at the funeral. Not once in her life; not even Henry. She was standing with Sue, who had one hand on the small of her back and the other on her elbow. The woman’s hair was dull and lank, her eyes swollen and sunken in— She was just… staring at the ground. Esther didn’t look alive, and if it weren’t for the fact that everyone else could see her too, Ellie would’ve sworn that she was looking at a ghost. 

“It ain’t polite to stare,” Joel chided softly. She pulled her eyes away from Esther’s thin frame, fixing them on some other random spot on the fence. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to. She just looks so...” There weren’t words to describe it. 

Her dad let out his breath in a deep exhale and nodded. “Yep. S’how it’s gonna be for a long while now I reckon.”

It made Ellie’s stomach hurt to think about the fact that Joel was pretty much an expert on this stuff. But the real sadness came when she thought about how long ago Sarah had died: over twenty years. Longer than Ellie had been alive, and still, being reminded of that loss upset her dad so much that just the simple act of seeing his daughter’s face in a drawing made him cry, however fleeting the tears had been. 

Tommy didn’t say anything this morning when he poked his head into Joel’s room to find Ellie curled up at his brother’s side. He didn’t even make a face. Maybe he assumed it was his niece who left her room seeking comfort. Was that the fate that awaited Esther? Eternal grief and longing for a child that was never coming back?

There was also the fact that Sarah was killed; she didn’t choose to die, and even that made Joel feel guilty— Would it be worse for Esther because Isaac took his own life? Parents were supposed to protect their kids from things like wanting to die. That was why Joel always let her talk about anything she wanted to, no matter how uncomfortable it made him.

He didn’t want her to ask him a million what if questions that all ended in the idea that he might suddenly decide to forgo their father-daughter bond and look at her like David did— But he was always so patient.

What if he was blindfolded and didn’t know it was her? Not possible, baby girl. I’d know you anywhere.

Or what about when she was older and looked like a woman instead of a child? Would his feelings change? Of course not.

What if she tried touching him? That one had earned her one of the most pitying glances she’d ever had the displeasure of receiving. Little did he know she’d actually thought about testing him like that once, back when they were on the road. Letting her hand wander while they were snuggling just to see what he’d do.

Still, no matter what his reaction, he never made her feel bad for asking questions, and Ellie wasn’t sure when exactly it happened, but over time, those venom-filled thoughts that had always felt like a slow poison seeping through her blood, had turned into flies buzzing around in her brain. Pesky symptoms of her trauma that could be swatted away and replaced with something else. 

But at the end of the day, those seemingly endless conversations were only made possible by Ellie deciding to ask him those things. To tell him her fears, and she only did that now because he’d forced her to do it so many times in the past— Enough that she’d grown accustomed to sharing, because what he says goes. It had always been like that: since the beginning of their relationship. Since the first day they met.

Was it because Esther was a mom and not a dad? Cos Ellie knew that the woman had tried talking to Isaac about stuff.  He was always complaining about it. Was it some sort of sexist thing where her friend just hadn’t recognized his mom’s authority enough that she could force him to do anything? If Joel had never pushed her, never made her scream her nightmares at him that day in the snow, would all of that just build and build until the only way to get rid of it was to get rid of herself?

Yes— And she knew that for a fact because of the party Tommy and Maria threw for them when they first came to Jackson. The one where she couldn’t talk to Joel because they were fighting, and by the end of the night she was so distraught that she started shouting through the whole house that she wished David and his friends had killed her. 

Joel seemed to realize she was lost in thought and that her head was all over the place, because he didn’t make her talk. Instead, he held her in the same way he’d held her that night when him and Maria broke the news. Ellie’s back against his front, strong arms wrapped around her chest and shoulders from behind. She rested her head against his breastbone and closed her eyes.

“Ellie!” someone else called from across the road. She had just enough time to see that it was Dina before the girl enveloped her in a bone crushing hug, shoving Joel out of the way with her embrace.

“You’re such an asshole,” the girl shook her. “Why wouldn’t you come out and talk to me?”

Joel cleared his throat before she had time to think up an excuse. “That was my fault, Dina. I didn’t let Ellie know anyone was tryin’ to visit; that’s why she didn’t come see you.” It must be a dad thing, to make up lies for your kids. He said it so convincingly, his tone apologetic, like when he told Marlene it was his idea to change her name and not something she did completely by herself without even asking him if it was ok first.

“Dick move, JM—” her friend glared up at Joel, arms squeezing tightly around Ellie’s neck in a gesture that felt possessive. “I can’t believe we were talking about all that stupid shit, Jesse and sex, while Isaac was—” Dina couldn’t finish her sentence before bursting into tears.

She kept her eyes angled purposefully away from her dad in hopes that if she couldn’t see him, then by some miracle he didn’t just hear her friend say they were talking about sex.

Jesse and his family approached next. Eric had his arm around his son behind them, but when Jesse caught sight of them, the boy came forward. He didn’t say anything, just pulled both girls closer together and kissed Dina’s head. There were tear tracks down his cheeks. 

Ellie didn’t know what to do, so she just stood there and let it happen. Hugged them back. She didn’t cry, not yet. It was all too overwhelming.

“Dina said you weren’t seeing anyone,” Jesse said as he pulled back, his voice gravelly.

“Um—” Ellie started, but Dina cut her off with a quick shake of the head, mouthing, “later,” to her boyfriend as they pulled apart. 

“Joel,” Robin hugged her dad. “Oh Ellie honey—” she was swept up into another three-way embrace, “We were starting to worry about you,” the woman said into her hair.

Ellie took the opportunity to slide her fingers through one of the belt loops on the back of Joel’s jeans, tethering herself to him as best she could.

He got the hint. “Why don’t y'all get settled? I’m gonna take Ellie to find my brother and Maria so we can say our condolences to Isaac’s Mama—” Joel drawled, holding out a hand to pacify Dina, who looked like she was about to say something in protest. “I’ll bring her back, don’tchu worry.”

Ellie took a few deep, calming breaths as her dad lead her away, and there was concern etched in his brow when he glanced down at her. “Let’s go find Tommy,” he suggested.

Even though the younger Miller was glad to see her, it was Maria who pulled her close when they approached, smoothing her hair down at the sides as they made their way over to the gravesite to talk to Esther. It didn’t seem like she was mad anymore. 

Isaac’s mom was still standing with Sue, but now, Eugene and Renata were there too. Esther looked up when they got closer, and Ellie did a double take as Joel greeted the frail woman with a steady hug and a kiss on the cheek. He’d never done anything like that in front of her before. 

An uncomfortable image flashed through her mind: Joel and Esther, married, laying in bed together with Sarah’s photo on one side and Isaac’s on the other. Maybe if Ellie was lucky they’d let her lay in the middle sometimes. Like real parents. But no— That wasn’t going to happen now. She wasn’t sure it was ever going to happen in the first place. 

Everything about those two was confusing. Did pushing Joel to go talk to the woman push them back together? It sure seemed like it. And what did together mean exactly? Being friends? Having sex? Dating? There were too many options for her fucked up brain to handle, nervous butterflies fluttering inside her belly. She squashed them down and scooted closer to Maria. Now was not the time to be worrying about that, or thinking about it at all for that matter.

When she was done hugging Joel, Esther reached out and took Ellie’s hand, squeezing it with just enough force to be comforting. “Thanks for coming, sweetheart.” Her voice was low and hoarse, still friendly, but so different from the soft tone she was used to.

“Isaac loved—” Her breath hitched, like something had snagged inside her throat and she stopped, lips trembling with the effort it took to continue. “He loved spending time with you three; it was all he ever talked about.” 

There were so many things that Ellie wanted to say. She wanted to tell Esther how Isaac was the first person she’d ever met who loved Savage Starlight as much as she did. How somehow they never got tired of arguing about whether Captain Ryan made the right choice in the end. 

She wanted to tell the woman about Kaige— That she was pretty sure he was drawn in Isaac’s image in the same way Shimmer was drawn in hers. Ellie wanted to explain to her how even though he liked to think his alignment was Lawful Evil, he never rolled for anything bad enough to make that true, and he would always break form to save Shimmer and Dina 2 if they were in trouble.

Most of all, she wanted to fall on her knees and beg for forgiveness for not paying attention when Isaac came to see her in those precious hours before he died. If she could go back in time she would do everything different; she would stay up all night if she had to. Ellie would tell him: to the edge of the universe and back, endure and survive, over and over again until he listened, and if all else failed, she would tell on him to her dad and he would make her friend listen. Because sometimes Isaac needed that. 

But it was hard to put any of that into words just yet, and everyone was staring at her, so Ellie swallowed the heat rising in her throat long enough to say a quick, “Me too,” before she tucked herself under Maria’s chin in a protective curl.

The woman rubbed her back at the same time that Tommy kissed his wife’s temple. Everyone was touching each other so much, like each one needed to make sure the next was alive.

The actual service was weird. Considering the last burial she’d attended was just Ellie and Joel stuffing Henry and Sam’s bodies into a sleeping bag together and throwing them into a shallow grave, this was a lot longer and more intricate.

Esther didn’t speak, just like Joel said she wouldn’t, but it was like Eugene was speaking for her because he was telling all sorts of stories about Isaac at age four, and seven, and twelve that weren’t actually sad, but were devastating all at the same time. 

Eric and Jesse went up together and it was a good thing they did; Jesse didn’t even get through the first two sentences of his speech before his dad had to take over, which made Dina cry, which made Renata all weird and hover-y, which nobody liked.

“Esther’s lucky to have all these people who care about her. Nobody cared about me when my Talia died…” she prattled, and a muscle jumped in Joel’s jaw.

Her dad must’ve felt bad for Dina too because about halfway through the closing prayer, he slid an arm around the other girl’s shoulder and pulled her into his side the same as Ellie. Like he was both of their dads for a second, a gesture that did not go unappreciated by her friend. 

“It’s kinda hard to be mad at Joel for hiding you away when he was being so nice,” Dina muttered, wiping her eyes as the three of them walked along the edge of the gate that opened onto the Teton Lake path after the funeral ended. 

Most of the main crew went back to Tommy and Maria’s house, but Ellie could tell by the way her dad’s eyes lingered on the woman that Joel wanted to talk with Esther again, so she suggested this instead. So he wouldn’t feel obligated to stay with her.  

She was being a good daughter. 

“Welcome to my life,” Ellie shrugged, sitting them all down on a patch of grass near the spot they’d gathered all those months ago when their friendship was brand new. “He was lying though,” Ellie admitted quietly, chewing on her lip.

“What do you mean?” Dina’s brows furrowed with confusion.

“I knew you came to visit; I just didn’t want to see anyone. He does that sometimes when he doesn’t want me to get in trouble.”

“Oh,” the other girl frowned, like she was unsure whether to be hurt or curious. Jesse chose for her, tilting his head to the side as he asked, “You lost your best friend back in Boston right? You told Isaac that after we ran into those clickers coming home from the lake. She got infected?”

“Riley, yeah,” Ellie nodded, pulling her legs up to her chest. Dina’s eyes widened, like that name meant something to her, like she’d heard it before— because she had. In her back yard, looking up at the stars exchanging stories about their first kisses. Holy fuck. Of all the stupid ways to come out to a friend… Did it count as coming out if she didn’t mean to do it?

Luckily, Dina either must not’ve been all that shocked, or she was faking it well, because she stayed quiet and filed that information somewhere in a later folder as Jesse kept going. “Did you talk to anyone after she died?”

No. She hadn’t. Marlene had been a little too busy chaining her up kicking and screaming to a pole for three days, then locking her in a dorm with a bunch of strangers for the rest of her time in the Firefly camp to have any sort of heart-to-heart. Then she was with Joel, and he wasn’t Mr. Warm and Fuzzy back then. Ellie shook her head. 

“See,” he nudged Dina. “She’s just not used to talking this stuff through.”  

“It’s not just that…” she trailed off, swallowing to prevent the lump from rising in her throat. “I saw Isaac a few hours before he died; I was probably the last person to see him alive, and I didn’t notice,” she confessed. “I was even kind of glad when he left.” As soon as the last part was out of her mouth, Ellie wished she could take it back, scrubbing the moisture from her cheeks as she looked anywhere but at her friends.

Instead of responding to her statement with anger, or judgment, Jesse’s whole demeanor shifted, his posture softening with what looked to be some of his own guilt. He cleared his throat. “Isaac told me he wanted to kill himself two weeks ago, and I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t believe he’d actually do it,” the boy said. “I thought he would get better. He was talking about his dad a lot. I thought that was a good sign.”

Ellie didn’t have a hope in hell of stopping the waterworks now, and Jesse hugged her again, a big, desperate sort of hug that was equal parts nice and awkward. Her other friend must’ve been feeling left out because she gave a loud sigh. “I guess I’ll just cry on my own over here,” Dina said, soaking up her tears with her sleeve, and Jesse reached an arm out to bring her into the circle.

“Thank you,” she sniffed, then let out a wet laugh. “Let’s make a promise,” the girl suggested. “From now on, if any one of us is in trouble, for any reason, we tell someone. Even if it makes the other person mad.” 

“Deal,” Jesse agreed, then they both looked to Ellie. “Deal,” she nodded. 

The trio was startled out of their pact by the arrival of someone foreign in their space, someone none of them recognized. It was a girl, about their age with a boyish face and short, black hair. She had a coltish sort of lilt to her tone as she gestured at them and said, “Sorry to interrupt… whatever this is… But I seriously just got here this morning, everyone’s crying, and I don’t know how to get back to the place I’m supposed to be staying at.”

The designated leader of their group dried his tears and stood up, “Sure. We’ll get you sorted out,” he said. “I’m Jesse. This is Dina, and that’s Ellie.”

“Cat,” the girl smiled back. 

Chapter Text

If Ellie thought that Isaac’s death gave her a free pass to avoid talking about annoying stuff with Joel, she was wrong. No matter what, he always found time to bring up everything she didn’t want him to— Stuff that wasn’t even his business in the first place. Except he would say that anything to do with her was his business. Still, it would be nice if he toned down the whole snooping his nose into her relationships thing every now and then.

It all started a few days after the funeral when she was innocently telling him about all the new changes to her friend group.

“So, Cat is neighbors with Jesse, and Dina thinks it’s weird because Cat’s family eats dinner there like, every night— And Dina says she’s always flirting with Jesse, but I don’t know if that’s true because I think that’s just how Cat talks to everybody—” she rambled, not even sure that Joel was paying attention as he hummed and hawed over the construction schedule.

“Plus, maybe Cat’s just excited to be around other kids; she came all the way here from Reno when the QZ collapsed, with her mom and her uncle. I don’t even have a mom, but maybe it would be like crossing the country with Tommy and Maria— Or I guess it’s kind of the same as when we got here. Remember how I got so carried away talking to Dina our first morning in Jackson and you yelled at me? But it was because I was happy to see another person my age for once—” 

“On the subject of Dina…” Joel interrupted her monologue, setting the schedule down on the coffee table, a serious sort of furrow in his brows. Ellie didn’t bother to remind him that they weren’t on the subject of Dina; they were talking about Cat. Her dad obviously had something on his mind. “What’s this I hear about the two of you talkin’ about sex?”

Oh my God. That was so long ago. It didn’t even matter. Heat gathered in her cheeks as she rolled onto her belly to hide the flush. She let out an exaggerated sigh and kicked her feet into his lap. “We weren’t even.”

Joel put a hand on her calf to stop her squirming. “Is that a fact?” His tone was incredulous.

“So what if we were?” she challenged. “I can talk about sex if I want to. I can talk about anything if I want to.”

Her dad’s demeanor softened. “Alright, you can. Sure— But I couldn’t help but notice you looked a little uncomfortable when your friend brought it up at the funeral, and I’d like to make sure you’re not gettin’ pressured into talkin’ about things you ain’t ready for.”

Says the guy who TOLD Dina the gory details about Ellie getting raped in the first place. She didn’t say that one out loud though. Joel already felt bad enough about that, and as irritating as he was being right now, she didn’t want to throw it back in his face and make him feel even more guilty. 

Ellie sighed. “I mean it’s not like I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t get pressured. Dina asked me if it was ok first, and I said yes because she doesn’t have anyone else. Her mom always makes it into a big thing…” — kind of like you’re doing right now, she finished in her head. 

“So, Dina’s havin’ sex then?” he questioned, then added, “—with Jesse?” Like it would be with anyone else.

“I guess,” she mumbled into the sofa. “We didn’t really talk about it since that night.”

“An’ you don’t think they’re a little young for that?”

He was pushing her dangerously close to a threshold Ellie might not be able to get herself back from. It was so confusing. She sort of agreed with him that the couple was too young to be thinking about sex, especially after what Dina told her about how much it hurt. 

But then again… How was it fair that Ellie was old enough to get forced against her will, but not old enough to choose to do it herself? Not that she EVER would.

Kissing was one thing; sometimes she thought about trying that again, but the memory of that burning, stabbing pain she could still conjure up in her lowest moments… The fact that she almost DIED, was enough to put her off the idea of any further experimentation— And even if she knew how to experiment like that with a girl, she didn’t want to because it had to involve at least some of the same stuff. 

Still, if she really wanted to get technical, Joel was a big fat fucking hypocrite because he DID have sex with someone her age AT LEAST once, probably more. “You had a baby when you were seventeen,” Ellie grumped, still hiding her face. “— And you said Erin was sixteen. Dina’s older than me, she’ll be sixteen in the spring.” 

Joel snorted. “Thas’ how I know they’re too young. At your age it’s real easy to make a mistake, ‘specially now, there’s even fewer ways to protect yourself against pregnancy, diseases…”

Oh thanks. Just keep reminding me of all the things that could’ve happened. That DID happen. The sex disease David gave her that she still couldn’t think about without feeling like she was going to puke. Dr. Anderson said it was gone, but she wasn’t sure if she fully believed him. 

“Well, I’m not the one who’s doing it, so stop getting mad at me.” Ellie yanked her legs back and scooted into a sitting position on the couch, a hot, uncomfortable pressure rising in her chest. A few frustrated tears threatened to spill from the corners of her eyes and she smacked them away with her hands.

That was when her dad intervened, prying her arms away from her face. “Hey— Hey— Hey— Don’t be hittin’ yourself. I ain’t mad at you,” he soothed. “Just figured if you were gonna be talkin’ with Dina about it, you might as well pass along that info. But you don’ have to, and I won’t bring it up again.”

“I just don’t wanna talk about it, ok?”

“Ok,” he agreed, then rubbed her back as she sucked in deep, calming breaths. “I don’t like talking about it,” she repeated, and Joel sighed. “I know, baby girl.”

Ellie laid her head on his shoulder and wound her arm around his bicep. “I miss Isaac. Now Dina’s always worried about what Jesse’s doing or if he’s with Cat.”

Her dad smoothed her hair down against her ear. “That little girl has only been here for three days. I’m sure things’ll settle down once she gets used to the place.”

“I kind of like her,” Ellie admitted. “She laughs a lot.”

“Why don’t you invite her over for a sleepover?” he suggested, and she frowned in response. That didn’t seem like a good idea. She fiddled with the rocket ship around her neck. “What if Dina’s feelings get hurt and she thinks Cat is trying to steal me away too?”

“Invite them both.”

She looked up at him. “Really?” That was a lot of teenage girls under one roof. 

“Why not?” he indulged. Maybe he just felt bad for cornering her about the sex thing. “Gives ‘em a chance to get to know eachother and it ain’t like much else goes on around here. Girls your age are supposed to have slumber parties. It’s better you do it here, that way I’m still around if somethin’ goes wrong.”

If something goes wrong. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what he meant by that. You could take the Joel out of the paranoia but you couldn’t take the paranoia out of the Joel. She snuggled deeper into his side, breathed in his familiar dad-smell, and exhaled some of her stress. Maybe he wasn’t so annoying after all. 

Ellie was growing up, and for Joel there was both a strange sense of pride and an overwhelming sadness in that fact. She was getting taller: filling out. Going through puberty like she was supposed to instead of staying frozen in that eternal child-stage he’d become so accustomed to. His girl was always going to be small for her age, he was sure about that. She wasn’t going to be breakin’ any records, but three square meals a day did wonders for her development. It seemed to him that even her eyes were brighter; her hair was coming in shinier and thicker than before. 

She’d told him the other day that she wanted it cut; it was getting too long and she didn’t like it, which he took as another good sign. His daughter was slowly but surely starting to invent her own personal style.

Ellie was still shy with her body. She still favored sweatshirts that looked like tents, and t-shirts that would fit him if she felt like sharing— But she was getting more and more frustrated with the need for undershirts, asking him constantly to wear that horrible armband. He thanked the Lord that the weather was starting to turn and pretty soon they wouldn’t have to fight about it again until next summer.

Today she was sporting a dark grey mens’ crew-neck and a new set of leggings; Maria had finally gotten fed up with her old ones and brought her home three pairs from the donation hall, much to his daughter’s delight. She had her sketch book in hand and they were on their way to Esther’s house, an interaction he’d been dreading since Ellie revealed the existence of Isaac’s drawing to him.

In Joel’s mind, the picture was akin to a suicide note. Something that he knew from conversations with Esther, that her son hadn’t left. He wasn’t even sure that giving it to the woman was a good idea in the first place. To Ellie, it was an innocent drawing that was supposed to symbolize the boy’s love for his family. But Joel worried that Isaac’s mom would take it as another personal failure. If I can’t have my family the way it was, I don’t want it. That kind of thing. 

It was a difficult balance. Worrying about Esther and worrying about Ellie at the same time. At the end of the day, he had to choose his daughter. If this was part of Ellie’s closure, he had to help her follow through with it.

They weren’t halfway down the street when someone shouted from behind them. “Ellie! Wait up—” 

His daughter’s new friend Cat came bounding down the road. Eric, a man he didn’t recognize, and Jesse trailed behind. Before Ellie had a chance to say anything back, the girl had pulled her into a hug, a gesture Ellie seemed to be expecting at this point.

Then, much to Joel’s surprise, Cat didn’t stop there; she separated from Ellie and leaned in to hug him, skinny arms slinking around his waist.

He didn’t react. Didn’t exactly hug her back, but didn’t not either. What kind of teenage girl, fresh from the Outside, was so eager to hug a man she didn’t know? He’d met her once before, but still, the dad in him couldn’t help but be concerned. 

“Hi, Ellie’s dad,” she grinned as she stepped back. His daughter gave the girl a curious look, but didn’t say anything.

“Hi Cat,” he said evenly. 

“Kit Kat—” The man walking with Eric chided as he approached. “Not everyone wants your grubby little hands all over them all the time.”

The kid rolled her eyes hard enough to give Ellie a run for her money. “Ellie and Ellie’s dad— This is my uncle Ron,” she sighed.

He reached forward and shook the man’s hand. “Joel,” he said.

The guy smiled and nodded in acknowledgment before throwing a steady arm around his niece in what appeared to be an effort to keep her in line.

Ellie gravitated toward Jesse. “Where’s Dina?” she asked.

“Dina’s mad at him,” Cat interjected before he had a chance to respond.

“She is not,” he frowned. “She’s not,” Jesse said again with more emphasis, and this time the boy’s statement was directed at his daughter.

“O—kay,” Ellie said. “Well, tell her to come by my house later. Like after dinner. I wanna talk to her.” It was a smart move, inviting Dina to sleep over this weekend before inviting Cat when she could just as easily ask the new girl if she was free right now.

Joel lost track of the kids’ conversation as Ron and Eric sucked him into one about the Reno QZ, but he did see Ellie showing Jesse Isaac’s drawing, and watched the pair exchange a meaningful embrace.

He knew the Chang boy had a responsible father who, on top of everything else, was a doctor— But thinking back to his earlier dialogue with Ellie, Joel wished he’d taken the time to develop more of a rapport with Jesse. He’d feel better if he could make sure the kids were being safe. He worried about the kinds of ideas Dina’s mother might be filling her head with— Maybe he could bribe Eugene to have a talk with him; Tommy did patrols with the boy too, but Joel was pretty sure his brother would rather be shot in the foot than get involved.

It took them a while to get away, and by the time Joel and Ellie resumed their mission, his girl had a lot to say. “See, I told you. Cat acts like that with everyone, not just Jesse. She even hugged you.” 

“I noticed,” he said, putting a hand between her shoulder blades as they walked. “She has two tattoos,” Ellie informed him, “— one of a Chinese dragon on her arm, and the other one is two koi fish kissing on her thigh; she did them herself.” 

That made Joel frown. He’d like to think that if he died and Tommy was left to raise Ellie, he wouldn’t let her cover herself in a slough of amateur tattoos at fifteen-years-old, or ever if he could help it. Of course Cat wasn’t necessarily being raised by this Ron character; she had a mother in the picture. “Is that her Mama’s brother? Or is he an uncle on her dad’s side?”

“It’s her mom’s older brother,” she said, and he nodded his appreciation. A brother takin’ care of his little sister and niece most likely had a good head on his shoulders. He wouldn’t mind getting to know the fellow better.

Ellie’s anxiety sky-rocketed the closer they got to Esther’s place. She stopped him before they reached the porch steps, fingers coiling in the fabric at the back of his t-shirt. “What if she’s mad at me for not knowing what Isaac was going to do? Or not telling you he was acting weird? Or for helping him finish the drawing?”

He turned to look at her, letting out his breath in a slow exhale. If Joel was bein’ real honest, he’d given a bit of thought to that scenario already. It didn’t seem within Esther’s nature to put the blame on a child, but she wasn’t exactly in her right mind at the moment.

“If anything like that were to happen,” he allowed, “— then you’d need to remember that it’s jus’ her grief talkin’. That she don’t mean it, an’ that she’s angry with herself more than she could ever be angry at you or anyone else. Understand?”

His daughter seemed to appreciate his honest answer, some of the tension lifting from her posture as she steadied her resolve and nodded.

Joel knocked. He was expecting someone else to answer the door. Sue, who had no family of her own and had been staying with her friend since the night Isaac died— But it was Esther herself who appeared in the entryway to let them in. “I was hoping I’d see you two again soon,” she smiled sadly, opening her arms to Ellie.

The little girl fell into Esther’s welcome embrace. Joel put one hand on Ellie’s waist, and the other on Esther’s back as he leaned forward, squishing his daughter between them to give the woman a kiss on the cheek. She was wearing what he recognized as her own pajama pants, but one of Isaac’s t-shirts, her hair pulled back in a low ponytail, eyes still dull and lifeless with dark shadows underneath.

“Can I get you some tea?” she asked when they separated, but Joel held up a hand. “I’ll get it,” he offered. “Ellie’s got somethin’ she wants to talk to you about.”

The girls sat on the couch, and he did his best not to make it too obvious he was eavesdropping while he filled the kettle and set it on the stove to boil.

“Isaac drew you a picture,” Ellie explained, shuffling through her sketch book to find the loose paper. “He said he wished you could have it, and I said he should give it to you, but he asked me to give it to you for him. I knew it was weird, but I said yes anyways because he seemed like he really wanted it. I didn’t know what he was going to do, I swear— If I did I would’ve told Joel—” She burst into tears as she passed Esther the drawing. “I’m so sorry—” 

Shit. She was doin’ real good until the end there. “Ellie—” he warned gently, trying to impress upon her the fact that she needed to get herself under control. The grieving mother was doing her best not to fall apart, but it was almost impossible to keep composure with the set of circumstances his daughter had presented her with. 

“I didn’t know, I’m s—sorry! I’m so sorry,” she cried again, and Esther set the picture down to wrap her arms around Ellie, pulling the little girl halfway into her lap. She cradled his daughter to her chest and stroked her hair. “No, sweetheart— No. I’m his mother. I’m the one who should’ve known. Not you—”

“I’m so sorry,” Ellie sobbed again. “I miss him so much—” 

Impulse told him to get in between the two. That it couldn’t be good for Esther to be forced to comfort someone else through her own pain— But as he watched the woman shush and coddle his child, he wondered if maybe this wasn’t exactly what she needed. A sense of purpose. Somewhere to put her motherly instincts in the absence of her son. 

So, instead of intervening, he allowed things to play out naturally. Poured the tea and let it go cold as Ellie’s presence gave Esther a small piece of the love and comfort she gave him every day. Joel was happy to share it. There was plenty to go around.

Chapter Text

Ellie didn’t understand how anyone could think it was a good idea for her to have a sleepover with both Dina and Cat at the same time. Not because the two girls didn’t get along. No— They were getting along just fine. It was because she was bound to fuck things up somehow.

Dina KNEW that she had kissed Riley, and now she knew that Riley was a girl, and worst of all, they hadn’t talked about it yet— So, at this point, her friend could assume that Ellie was thinking gross thoughts about them, which she kind of WAS, but she couldn’t control it, and she couldn’t say anything because then that would make things really awkward. 

It wasn’t like Ellie was looking at either of them and thinking about having sex. She wasn’t; she just couldn’t stop looking. It was like there was a piece of David still inside of her just waiting for his chance to get out. Like some of his cells or whatever had attached themselves to her and multiplied. Antibiotics could only kill so much.

She’d always thought about kissing Dina, pretty much from day one, and of course she’d noticed things like the fact that her friend was more developed than her, or that she looked older, but this uncomfortable churning in her gut wasn’t as innocent as those earlier observations.

Cat on the other hand… She seemed determined to get Ellie to look at her by wearing the world’s smallest pajamas. The new girl had on a cropped tank top and shorts that showed a whole swatch of her belly. Dina wore shorts as well, but she had on a full t-shirt to go with it. 

They were in Ellie’s living room, cross-legged in a circle playing a new game that Cat had learned from her friends in Reno. Tommy and Maria were outside on the porch with Joel, having some drinks and keeping themselves entertained while the girls dominated the inside. “Truth or dare?” Cat asked, aiming the question at Dina. 

“Truth,” she responded. Her best friend hadn’t picked dare even once yet. Cat noticed the same thing and rolled her eyes at the predictable response. “Alright, fine. But you have to answer anything I ask. No take backs.”

“Go for it,” she shrugged. “I’m not hiding anything.”

“Have you ever had a crush on someone way older than you?” 

Ellie rested her chin on her hands with a sigh. All of Cat’s questions were about sex or dating, which was why she’d picked dare every single time. Cat had already dared her to lick the floor, and Dina dared her to drink a gross mixture made from random stuff in the fridge, a task that the girls quickly learned didn’t work with half-starved apocalypse kids when she downed the whole concoction without even making a face.

Dina’s brows furrowed like she was thinking hard about how she was going to answer. “Not really. I mean, guess I sort of had a crush on one of my sister’s boyfriends when I was like nine. But that’s cos he taught me how to shoot a gun. I think I just liked that he let me hang out with them.” 

“Bo—ring,” Cat yawned. “Kay Dina it’s your turn to ask Ellie something,” she instructed.

“Hey no! I get to pick,” Ellie insisted. “I pick dare again.” Even though she knew her best friend wouldn’t ask her anything weird in front of Cat, she still didn’t want to start doing truths and wind up doing a mix of both. 

“Neither one of you is any fun,” the new girl lamented. “Fine.” She raised an eyebrow to prompt Dina, who was already prepared as she smirked and said, “Ellie, I dare you to go steal Maria’s drink and take a sip of it.” 

She bawked. “You’re evil. How about Joel’s? Or even Tommy’s?” Ellie tried her best to bargain.

“No. It has to be Maria.” Dina answered quickly, crossing her arms over her chest.

She groaned, taking forever to stand up in a childish display of reluctance. “If I get kicked out of Jackson it’s your fault.”

“Whatever,” her friend laughed.

Her dad occupied one of the wooden chairs outside and Maria occupied the other. Tommy sat in front of his wife on the porch with her hands resting around his neck in a comfortable embrace. Their drinks were on the table beside them and Ellie couldn’t tell which was which since they both liked the same thing: homemade bourbon. 

Joel wasn’t a huge fan of the stuff, or maybe he didn’t want to make it look like he was drinking hard liquor in front of her all the time and that was why he always disguised it with coffee. 

All three looked up when Ellie appeared. “Alright, kiddo?” Tommy asked.

She didn’t answer him, preferring a silent approach as she sidled over to the table and picked up the tumbler closest to Maria, downing a significant portion of the fiery brown liquid before either party could act to stop her. Her face soured and it took every last ounce of strength she had to swallow, three pairs of eyes fixed on her as she did so.

“Uh…” her uncle trailed off, brows furrowed with confusion. 

The glass disappeared from Ellie’s hand before she even had a chance to take a breath and Joel swatted her on the mouth. “What in the hell is wrong with you? You don’t drink from other people cups.” 

She burst into laughter at the bewilderment on his face. It was funny, all the times he’d sworn up and down that she was his daughter, but it had never felt more true than it did in that moment, in his automatic reaction, like he was taking personal offense to her behavior. She couldn’t stop giggling, something that seemed to irritate her dad even more. “Ellie I swear to God—” he started. 

Maria had a bemused smile on her face as she spotted the two other girls peering out at them from the door. “I think we’re caught up in a little game of truth or dare. Is that right?” she asked. 

“Sorry,” Ellie snickered. “It’s Dina’s fault, blame her—”

“It is not!” her best friend contested. “You could’ve picked truth!” Joel moved to set the glass down on the table again, but Maria stopped him. “That’s alright, I think I’ll pass.”

“I’ll finish it!” Cat called, and her dad adopted a stern, disapproving tone. “Not gonna happen,” he shook his head as he dumped the bourbon over the railing and into the dirt. The new girl met his objection with a challenge. “My mom doesn’t care if I drink.” 

“I’m sure,” he hummed in response, herding them back into the house. “No more dares,” Joel said strictly before leaving to rejoin his brother and Maria on the porch.

Cat pumped her fist in the air, triumphant. “Ha! See— Now you have to do a truth.”

Since Ellie had just gone, it was actually her turn to ask Cat, which she apparently ‘wasted’ asking the girl where she learned to draw. The answer was from her mom, who had also been a tattoo artist for a while in the QZ. 

“Have you ever had sex?” she asked in response, and even though Ellie was expecting it, she shifted uncomfortably, rubbing her legs as she tried to think of a way to answer the girl’s question without freaking the fuck out.

She didn’t have a firm answer to begin with, but refusing to say anything would come off as suspicious— It wasn’t like she’d had sex. But in the strictest sense of the word… if they were talking about penises going inside her… then yes— she had, three times. 

That was more than Dina. Probably more than Cat. 

Ugh.

It was so gross to think about. There was no way she could still be considered a virgin after that.

“Um… yes,” she said, though she knew she didn’t sound confident enough to be believable.

“No way,” Cat disputed. “You’re totally lying. Who did you have sex with?”

What the fuck was she supposed to say now? Ellie blinked, then blinked again to clear the stinging heat that gathered in her sinuses, but before she could panic too much, Dina cleared her throat. “It was your friend Riley, in Boston, right?” she prompted. 

Ellie looked up, meeting her best friend’s gentle, prodding gaze. As they locked eyes, she understood two things, one: that Dina was saving her ass, and two: that this was her way of confirming that she knew about Riley, and that it was ok.

“Mhm,” Ellie nodded, still kneading at her calves.

“Huh,” Cat frowned. “Go Ellie.”

Truth or dare ended soon after that when the girls ran out of questions to ask eachother and retired upstairs for the rest of the evening. Joel had put down a foamy on the floor with a sheet and some extra blankets since three people couldn’t fit in her double bed.

Ellie didn’t want to make either of her friends feel left out, so she decided that was where she would sleep.

“Can you open the window?” Cat asked.  

“Aren’t you going to be cold?” Dina questioned, eyes running up and down the length of her body, stopping at the koi fishes on her thigh. 

“No. Why?” the girl shot back defensively, picking up on her best friend’s tone. “You’re just saying that cos you want me to cover up, aren’t you?”  

Dina rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean.”

Their new friend shrugged. “I don’t care if you look. It’s not a big deal. Everyone looks. Even your dad was looking,” Cat shot Ellie a suggestive smirk. 

Are you fucking kidding me? A hot, defensive anger spread down into her chest. “No he wasn’t.” 

If Joel did look at Cat when they were downstairs, it would’ve been in a dad way, not in a gross way. Cat may have tattoos, but she wasn’t anymore grown up than Ellie was. She didn’t even have boobs. 

“I’m pretty sure he was. But don’t feel bad or anything— All men do it,” Cat said nonchalantly. The weird thing was, she didn’t sound like she was saying it just to piss her off. She sounded like she believed her own words. 

Maybe Dina could see that Ellie was teetering on the edge, because she intervened again, coming to the rescue for the second time that night. “I think you’re just imagining it,” she said. “Besides, if Joel was looking at anybody, it was at Ellie, not at you. He’s always looking at Ellie.” 

“Now that’s just gross,” Cat snorted, and her best friend fixed the girl with a nasty glare before Ellie had the chance to retaliate. 

“Ok— Ok, I’m sorry. I was just joking,” she backpedaled when she saw that neither of them were entertained. “No jokes about Ellie’s dad. Got it.”

The girl stretched out and laid herself flat across the bottom of the bed, tracing a path along her bare belly. “I’m thinking of doing two sparrows, one here— and one here,” she pointed to either side of her hip bones. “What do you think?”

“Why?” Dina asked, leaning back against the wall and crossing her arms over her chest.

Cat frowned at the disdain in her best friend’s voice. “Sparrows are supposed to symbolize new beginnings,” she shrugged. “I guess that’s what I want Jackson to be.”

Joel was dead to the world, lost in the long forgotten wail of sirens and the shattering of glass as his vision turned upside down. Tommy’s truck flipping onto its side, his body snapping against the seat belt, all the blood rushing to his head— 

“Daddy!” Sarah called frantically from somewhere where he couldn’t see her.

“Dad! Daddyyyy—”

Piercing cries turned into gentle prompts, and the jarring vibration of the engine into small hands shaking him awake. Was that Ellie callin’ him? 

He forced open heavy eyelids halfway in the darkness and was greeted by the sight of Ellie standing over his bed, her nose only inches from his. Joel’s mouth was dry from the remnants of the Kentucky coffee as his daughter with no concept of personal space or boundaries stuck her fingers in his face and pried his eyes open the rest of the way.

“Wake up,” she commanded. 

“Whas’ wrong?” he grumbled, pushing her hands away to prop himself up. 

“Cat misses her mom. She wants to go home,” Ellie informed him. 

Well shit. Joel remembered this part of sleepovers. Of course he remembered, though he hadn’t had an experience like this since Sarah was eight or nine, when she’d first started havin’ em.

It was for that reason in those early days, that sleepovers only happened on nights when he didn’t have to work the next morning on account of being woken up at all hours of the night to drive across town and pick up his crying kid, or drive her little friends home when they couldn’t fall asleep.

This was part of the reason why he was always suggesting sleepovers at their house now. That way, if Ellie needed to take a break, if she needed him, he was right there. That, and in the case of Dina, he didn’t trust Renata not to bring men through the house, men who might spot his child as vulnerable without him around to protect her.

“Dina said we should just take her and come back, but I said you’d be mad if you woke up and we were gone, but if you don’t want to get up we can just go together because there’s two of us—” the little girl started to fill him in, and Joel rubbed a hand over his face and shushed her. 

“No— No, thas’ alright. It’s good you woke me up,” he praised.

Not much Joel liked less than the thought of his daughter wandering the streets at night, something they’d established real clearly when she’d snuck out on the night Isaac died. He couldn’t fault her for doing better this time. “Let me put on some pants.” He ushered her out as he searched for a pair of jeans.

All three girls were waiting for him downstairs when Joel exited his room. Ellie and Dina hovered around Cat, who was still wearin’ next to nothing, clingin’ to a stuffed bunny rabbit.

“I’m sorry!” the girl apologized right away as soon as he came into view. “I’m just not used to being away from my mom, and we usually sleep in the same bed so I missed her—” she started to cry, and Dina rubbed her arm.

“It’s ok. I used to sleep with my mom too when I first got to Jackson,” she admitted. “It took me a long time to sleep on my own.”

Ellie looked up at him and frowned. He knew what she was thinking; maybe she wasn’t so weird after all. Joel wasn’t going to admit it to Ellie, but her friend’s words acted as a comfort to him as well. That was three out of three teenage girls he knew who had spent a significant amount of time sleepin’ in their parents’ bed. Could just be a sign of the times. Dad— Mom— It didn’t matter; a kid was a kid, and Dina was real well-adjusted now as far as teenagers went. It gave him hope for his daughter.

Cat was a whole other can of worms. Joel didn’t mind her, but there was clearly something wrong in this girl’s life, in her family, in some piece of her story that he was missing. Like Ellie, the juxtaposition between child and young adult was obvious and almost more startling due to Cat’s forward nature and the fact that she was covered in self-drawn tattoos. It bent the brain a little to look at her. Like a child holding a gun, something was off about this scene.

Joel had to squash a terrible thought: that his daughter had exchanged one troubled friend for another with the passing of Isaac, and he vowed to pop in on Esther in the morning to assuage his guilt at the mental commentary, and of course, to check on the woman.

“Don’ worry about it, kiddo. No harm done,” he reassured. “Ain’t like it’s a far walk.” 

Ignoring the girlish chatter as they stepped out into the cool, end of summer air, Joel took the time for some self-reflection. It was bizarre just how much his life had changed over the past year and a half. He’d gone from killin’ for nothing almost every day for twenty years, to killin’ for Ellie, and now he was living a downright docile, domestic existence in his brother’s town, waking up every morning to play the part of doting dad, or mother duck if the three little girls trailing behind him were any indication of his status.

Three little girls he’d do just about anything to protect, even the newest one, who surely just needed some good friends, stability, and guidance in her life. There were ups and downs, sure. Isaac was a major loss, but it was heart warming to watch the community band together for Esther, the likes of which he hadn’t seen in decades.

It didn’t take much time at all to get Cat home. “You guys are my best friends,” she announced, pulling Ellie and Dina into a tight group hug. Then, when she was done with that, she went in for another, this time aimed at Joel. “Thanks Ellie’s dad.” 

He patted her shoulder awkwardly, wondering again why she felt the need to do this. Joel supervised her as she walked through the door, then made the other girls wait a few minutes to ensure that their friend was planning to stay inside her house— That this wasn’t some sort of elaborate escape plan, before he allowed them to begin the journey back home. He didn’t know what kind of behaviors this kid might have. 

“She’s really weird,” Dina sighed as they left, looking to Ellie for confirmation.

“Now don’t be makin’ a snap judgment without knowin’ all the facts,” Joel chided, trying to dissuade the gossip, but the girl just snorted in response. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew the kind of stuff she was talking about. Trust me, JM. That girl is fucked up.” 

Ellie bit her lip. “She does say annoying things,” his daughter shrugged. “But we have to be nice to her; she doesn’t know anyone else.”

Annoying things or annoying stuff was usually Ellie code for sex.

“You just like her tattoos,” Dina scowled, “—and the fact that she was practically naked the whole night. It’s a good thing I took the bed.” 

“Don’t even fucking talk to me—” his daughter squealed, body checking her friend and sending them tripping over eachother in a fit of high-pitched giggles. “I hate you.” 

Seemed pretty safe to assume that at this point, Dina knew just about everything there was to know about Ellie. Joel wondered if she hadn’t broken down and told the girl about her immunity. He wouldn’t be surprised.

“Me and Dina want to stay up when we get home. Can you make us popped corn so we can watch a movie?” Joel cursed his brother for teaching her about popcorn. Now he was stuck making the stuff in a goddamn frying pan every time Ellie remembered about it. But there were worse things, he decided, than putting a smile on his daughter’s face in the midst of a tragedy.

“Whatever you want, baby girl,” he said, ruffling her hair— And as the girls advanced down the road, Dina leaned over and whispered, “Joel’s awesome,” in Ellie’s ear.

He experienced a keen swell of pride at her words, at the sense of a job done right. There was nothin’ quite like being the fun parent for a change.

Chapter Text

The second time the Fireflies came to Jackson, Ellie wasn’t there when they arrived. It was about a month after Isaac died, the beginning of fall, and she and Joel were coming back from the construction site all dirty and sweaty from work. When they passed by Tommy and Maria’s house, they just happened to catch sight of Dr. Anderson and his daughter Abby out on the porch.

Even after all this time, the sight of the doctor still made Joel tense. Ellie wasn’t exactly thrilled herself; when hospital staff started appearing, that meant she was one step closer to getting a giant needle shoved into her hipbone. It meant she would be bed ridden and out of commission for a few days, and worst of all, it meant that Marlene was probably here too.

Even though Dina was right: she was putting too much of herself into her mother, and that was making it harder to connect with the woman’s memory, Ellie just wished there was someone else she could talk to about Anna Williams besides the Firefly leader.  

Someone who loved her, and believed her about everything she said. Someone who wouldn’t say hurtful things about Ellie just to get back at Joel, and for what? Because he stepped up for her when no one else would? Because he was a good dad? 

“I don’t want to talk to Marlene today,” she whined, keening into Joel’s side to hide herself from view.

Her dad glanced down at her with a frown on his face, then back toward his brother’s house, concern twisting in his expression. It looked like he was formulating a plan. Like the Salt Lake crew was a group of hunters, and he was trying to come up with the best possible way to evade them.

“Alright, follow me,” he hushed, a hand between her shoulder blades as he ducked them behind Tommy’s place before the doctor could spot them.

He brought her through the backyard en route to their own house with a newfound determination. “You best get washed and changed quick, cos they know we’re off now. Ain’t gonna be long before they come lookin’.”

“Where are we going?” Ellie asked as they broke into the living room and made their way upstairs to get ready.

Joel smirked. “Haven’t been out on Shimmer in a while. Why don’t we let her stretch her legs and I’ll take Bullseye for a spin?”

Her dad had taken to riding the white stallion with more frequency, trying to get him trained enough that other, less-experienced horse riders could use him for patrol without issue. 

“Really?” she grinned up at him, and he nodded an affirmative. “Hustle butt, girl.”

Ellie changed into jeans because they were more comfortable in a saddle, and her gray sweatshirt. Then, she fixed her ponytail using the stand up mirror in her room. When she was done, she slipped her rocket ship necklace on underneath her collar— Joel banned her from wearing it at the construction site— and grabbed her Beretta to stick in her waistband. She met her dad in the hallway. 

He had on a different set of jeans too and one of his button up shirts, also in gray. His revolver was attached to his belt with a holster. “We match,” Ellie held out her arm to show him.

“You’re cute,” he snorted as he ushered her down the stairs.

They had to sneak past Tommy’s house again, and by now, Maria and Marlene had joined the other two outside, watching the road like they were waiting for Joel and Ellie to appear.

“I don’t think Abby likes me,” she whispered to her dad as they moved out of view of the tall blonde girl. 

“Not surprised—“ he commented. “I don’ like you much neither.”

“Joel!” Ellie smacked him on the arm and he snickered at the impulsive display of violence. “What makes you say that, baby girl?”  

“Well, Dr. Anderson wanted her to get to know me last time; that’s what he said, but then she didn’t even try to talk to me. Maybe she felt weird about it cos I was always with my friends.” She had spent a significant portion of the Fireflies’ last visit with Dina, and then Isaac when she was recovering. 

“Seemed to me like she was jus’ distracted by that boyfriend of hers,” Joel said darkly.

“Why are you making that face?” Ellie frowned. “Is he bad?”

“Ain’t what I’d want for you, thas’ all I’m gonna say,” he grunted. They were almost at the stables now. 

“Why? Because he’s older than her?”

Joel made another noncommittal noise of disapproval. “Kid’s gotta be in his early twenties.”

Ellie was distracted from the conversation by the appearance of a familiar face as her dad led her into the long building. “Esther!” she called, making her way to the end of the hallway to greet the woman, who stood facing Shimmer’s stall, a hand outstretched against the neck of the brown mare.

Joel always hugged Esther now, every time he saw her. Ellie had taken to copying him, wrapping an arm around the woman in a friendly embrace. 

“Hi sweetheart,” she hugged her back. 

Joel came up behind them and did the thing she liked where he squished her between the two of them and kissed Isaac’s mom on the cheek. 

It was hard not to think of Esther as Isaac’s mom even though he was dead, but Joel said it was still ok to call her that, because no matter how long his first daughter had been gone for, he would never want to stop being Sarah’s dad, and that made sense. 

It was even more difficult to understand the relationship between her dad and Esther now than it used to be. Ellie was pretty sure they’d stopped having sex, mostly because she always knew where Joel was, and the two of them didn’t go on patrol together anymore. He’d started going with Tommy instead— But her dad usually made a point to talk to the woman in the street, or sometimes they would take a portion of their dinner to her house.

Joel said it was important to make sure grieving people were eating. 

It was like the pair had gone from almost dating, to just friends overnight. Was it possible for two people to just… forget that they used to see eachother naked and move on with their lives? She supposed that was what Tommy and Marlene did— But even that was noticeably awkward, though in their case it could be awkward because of Maria.

Her dad didn’t have a suspicious wife hanging around. Just a weird daughter who thought way too much about things she shouldn’t. 

She knew one thing for certain. Ellie loved Esther, now more than ever, and she would be ok with whatever Joel decided to do, even if he did decide to marry her, move in together, and plaster the house with pictures of their ghost children— She would at least try to be ok with it. Pretend she wasn’t jealous until the feeling went away. Still, that didn’t seem to be the direction they were headed. 

“What are you two doing here?” Esther asked, pulling away with a gentle smile on her face.

Joel cleared his throat to answer, but Ellie beat him to it. “Joel’s helping me hide from the Fireflies,” she announced.

The woman raised a curious eyebrow at her dad and he showed her his palms in surrender. “Her body her choice.” 

“That’s very progressive of you,” she snorted, “I thought Texas was a red state.” 

Joel chuckled and squeezed Ellie closer in response. “Yes ma’am, but I’m from Austin see— We do things a little differently ‘round there,” he explained. 

What was a red state?— And was her dad flirting with Esther right now? See, this was what she meant about their relationship being fucking confusing. Her eyebrows knitted together as she looked up at him for answers. “What are you even talking about?”

“Don’ worry about it, kiddo,” he brushed her off. “S’just old politics.”

“Oh,” she frowned. Weird. “What are you doing here?” Ellie returned the question. “Are you going riding?”

The woman reached out to pat Shimmer’s nose again and the animal let out a loud huff and nuzzled into her hand. “No— I just like to come sit with the horses for a bit on the days I don’t feel up to going all the way down to the farm.”

“Well, we’re going riding,” she persisted. “Do you want to come with us? She can come with us, right Joel?”

“That’s up to her,” Joel said, shooting the woman a pointed look.

“Where are you going?” Esther asked.

“Just gonna take her on a loop through Elk Creek,” he drawled, “Nice an’ easy.” 

The woman pursed her lips. “I think Cowgirl’s scheduled to go out on patrol with Astrid this afternoon,” she said, and Ellie wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth, or if she was just saying that as an excuse not to go. Patrols didn’t usually start this late.

“I can ride with Joel and you can ride Shimmer,” she offered.

“Ellie—” her dad intervened, but Esther interrupted him. “You don’t have to do that, honey.”

“It’s ok. I want you to come,” Ellie insisted. She didn’t want Esther to be alone all the time, and there was also the fact that even after everything they’d been through, all the trouble it got her into with Isaac, she still wanted to show them both that she was capable of being Joel’s good, perfect daughter. 

The corners of the woman’s mouth turned up and she let her head fall with defeat. “Alright—alright, you’ve got me. I’ll go.”

“Yes!” she pumped her fist. “But I want to put Shimmer’s saddle on— I can’t do Bullseye because he always tries to nip me—”

Footsteps crunched outside the stable, and Ellie’s eyes widened with panic, “Joel—” she hissed, and he raised a finger to his lips to shush her, pointing his thumb in Shimmer’s direction.

She stared pleadingly at Esther as her dad pulled her into the horse’s stall, urging her to crouch down next to him on the hay. The action reminded her of old times, on the road hiding from infected, or watching to make sure the coast was clear before they moved into an open space. Except this was fun, less terrifying and more thrilling when nobody’s life was at stake. 

Ellie was out of practice; she couldn’t control the volume of her breathing, so Joel muzzled her with a hand over her mouth as the footsteps approached. She leaned back against his chest.

“Hey there, Esther—” Tommy greeted, coming to a stop a few feet away. “You seen my brother anywhere? Been lookin’ all over town; Neil said he saw him and Ellie headed this way.”

“No, I’m sorry—” the woman lied. “I haven’t seen them, but I’ll let them know you came looking if I do.”

“Appreciate it,” her uncle said, and Tommy barely made it out of the building before Ellie burst into a fit of muffled giggles. She licked Joel’s hand to make him drop it, and he cursed, rubbing her spit on his jeans. “I’ve got half a mind to go after him— let the vultures have you, little girl.”

“Shut up. You’re so annoying,” she pushed him back down onto the straw, and laughed again when he had to catch himself.

Esther looked a little dazed as they stood up and brushed themselves off. She was staring off into the distance, her mouth set in a thin line. Ellie was about to ask her if she was ok, when Joel touched her arm. “Why don’t you get started on the saddles, kiddo?” he suggested. 

The presence of a thick, somber cloud in the atmosphere told her it was better to listen this time, and when she went over to the tack section and started fiddling around with the saddles and bridles, she could see Joel exchanging a quiet word with Esther. 

Ellie gave them a moment before returning with Shimmer’s blanket. 

Luckily, the gate they had to leave through to get to Elk Creek was in the opposite direction of Tommy’s house, so the three of them were able to make it out without a fuss. People weren’t just allowed to leave and re-enter Jackson at random, but Millers had special privileges; the guards didn’t question her dad when he told them where they were going.

Bullseye was tall compared to Shimmer, taller than Jericho, and wider than Callus had been. Ellie found herself squeezing her arms a little tighter around Joel’s waist than she normally would’ve, especially because the white Camarillo was still so jerky and unaccustomed to entertaining tandem riders. 

“Esther, do you think it’s weird for Dr. Anderson’s daughter to date someone who’s in his twenties?” she asked, returning to their earlier conversation.

Sometimes Ellie suspected that Joel gave her a skewed perspective on things; she was curious what another woman would have to say about it. Joel gave an exasperated sigh at the subject matter, but didn’t scold or Ellie her. 

“How old is the doctor’s daughter?” Esther frowned, guiding Shimmer onto the wide path of orange, yellow and red fallen leaves. “Seventeen?”

“No— She’s fifteen, like me. Actually, a few months older, more like Dina’s age.”

“Then yes,” she answered, “—that’s weird. It’s absolutely not ok for adults to look at kids like that.”

Something about the way Esther said that so seriously and in such a targeted way made Ellie wonder… But no— Joel wouldn’t tell her about David. Would he?

“What if she was seventeen? Then would it be ok?” Ellie questioned, trying to ignore the flutter of nausea in her belly, and that was when Joel jumped in. “No,” he said. “Still ain’t right for a guy his age to be carryin’ on with a teenager.” 

“Well now— I think it depends on the maturity level of the teenager,” the woman argued back. “There’s a little bit of an age gap between Dina and Jesse, but you wouldn’t know it talking to the two of them.”

“Two years is a hell of a lot less than four or five years when you’re still a kid,” he grumbled.

“So, I could date a seventeen-year-old boy?” Ellie asked.

“No.” Joel’s jaw was clenched, the tendons flexing in the back of his neck as he spoke. 

“Why? You just said it was fine for Dina to do it—”

“You’re too young,” was his only reply, like he didn’t already know that she was a lesbian. Esther shot her a look that was equal parts pitying and amused. 

“What about a seventeen-year-old girl?” she pushed. He slowed Bullseye to give Shimmer the chance to move in front of them as the trail narrowed. “Maybe,” Joel allowed. 

Riley was sixteen when she was fourteen; she didn’t think that was bad, but maybe it was like Esther said. It depended on the maturity of the people. Her dead best friend was pretty immature, and that was back in Boston, before Ellie got ripped up and destroyed and started acting like a little kid all the time. 

“You’re such a hypocrite. Sarah’s mom was younger than you,” she reminded him, and her dad snorted. “Yeah, by a few months.”

“—And my mom was twenty-two when I was born,” Ellie threw in, just to make him even more annoyed. Joel turned around in the saddle to glare at her for that one. She buried her face in his shirt to stifle a laugh. It wasn’t really that funny, but there was something almost irresistibly comical about making him mad. Maybe it was a daughter thing. 

“Byron was five years younger than me,” Esther said. “I was twenty-five, and he was twenty when we first started dating.”

“That still don’t make a relationship between a fifteen-year-old girl an’ a grown man ok,” he snapped, and Esther sighed at Joel’s loss of temper. 

“Ellie, forgive me for asking, but can you infect people?” the woman questioned out of the blue after a few moments of uncomfortable silence. “If you were in a relationship I mean… through saliva transfer, or blood transfer…” she clarified. 

Bullseye leaned over and nipped Shimmer’s neck. “Hey!” Ellie smacked the horse’s rear, and Joel pulled on the reins while the white stallion danced in place.

“Don’t be smackin’ him,” he scolded, now more worried than angry as he calmed the animal down. “He ain’t gonna learn that way, and you’ll be the first to fall if he decides to try an’ throw us.”

“Sorry,” she apologized. “No— Dr. Anderson says I can’t, and me and Joel shared a needle for antibiotics when we were traveling and he never got infected.” Esther nodded in acknowledgment, and that was when Ellie started thinking again about the circumstances surrounding the woman finding out about her immunity.

“I wish I didn’t yell at Isaac that day,” she said softly.

“Ellie—” her dad warned, but the woman stopped him. “It’s alright, Joel. I don’t mind.”

Esther worried her lip. “Friend’s fight, honey. I’m sure there were times he wasn’t so nice to you, and I’m sure you forgave him for those.” Her statement reminded Ellie of the recovery day last month when Isaac told her about Joel and his mom. “You know they’re fucking, right?” 

He could be such an ass sometimes— But he was hurting, and he was asking for help. Maybe he was jealous like Ellie, that his mom was spending time with someone else, especially when he felt like she didn’t even want to spend time with him. She laid her cheek against Joel’s back. “I miss him.”

“Me too, sweetheart,” Esther pressed the heel of her palm against her mouth to hide the fact that she was crying.

Her dad reached back to put a hand on Ellie’s leg as if to say, “That’s enough now,” and she listened, because as much as she liked to get him riled up, the time for that had passed. 

Leave it to Ellie to kill the mood; the rest of the ride was pretty quiet. Esther was upset, and she could tell the woman just wanted to get back to Jackson. Joel was respecting her need for silence, so they didn’t say a whole lot beyond directional commands for the last hour of what was supposed to be their fun getaway.

By the time they returned to the gate, Tommy was waiting for them, leaning up against the wall, arms crossed. She groaned and slumped over with the weight of her foreboding. 

“You three must think you’re real hilarious,” her uncle drawled as they approached on horseback, “But you didn’t have to spend the afternoon makin’ small talk with Marlene an’ Maria,” he scowled.

Esther pulled her aside before they separated for the day, a gentle hand on her arm. “I want you to keep talking about him— And I want you to keep talking about him with me. You don’t have to stop just because it makes me sad, ok?”

“Ok,” Ellie agreed. “You can come back to Tommy’s with us if you want,” she offered, but the woman shook her head. “I’m sure Sue’s wondering where I wandered off to— Grieving is like… being a kid again, and I don’t want her to worry.”

“Niece!” the younger Miller called sharply, “I’m gonna pick you up and bring you back to the house myself if you don’ get a move on!”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Scuse me, I have to go save Tommy’s marriage,” she grinned, pulling away to walk with her uncle before he made good on his threat. 

She pretended not to notice that Joel stayed behind again with Esther, catching up to them a few minutes later when they were already halfway down the road.

It was sweet, and it wasn’t. She couldn’t help but wonder why he was doing it. For Esther or because Ellie asked him to? 

God, it was all so fucking confusing. 

Chapter Text

“Absolutely not,” Joel said, arms crossed over his chest, feet spreading apart in a display of dominance. “Ellie stays in Jackson: end of story.”

“I’m not asking you to bring her to the hospital unassisted. We’ll send a vehicle, a few vehicles if that’s what it takes. You bring whoever you want,” the doc eyed Tommy, who was watching them with a pensive frown, “—The same protection detail will escort you back to Jackson when you’re done. It’s not a trick, or a trap. We just want to redo Ellie’s scans, and run a couple more sophisticated tests.”

Jerry Anderson was like his brother in a way, always frustratingly calm. That was alright. Joel could do calm.

“She’s finally adjusting. I don’t want to uproot her life,” he countered, and that was when Marlene felt the need to get involved. “We’re not asking you to uproot her life. It’s a day trip, Joel. Two at most. We’re not going to hurt her.”

He snorted; the Firefly leader didn’t find it so amusing. She opened her mouth again to speak, “The only reason she sees me as the bad guy is because that’s what you feed her. You isolate her from everyone else who cares about her—”

“Alright—” Maria cut the woman off. “Do we need to get into this? Really? Ellie asked to have you here and you’re here,” she informed Marlene. “Yes, Joel is overprotective, sometimes obsessive— Don’t look at me like that, you are—” she scolded him as Joel made a motion to interrupt. “—But it’s understandable given the circumstances. He’s not trying to isolate Ellie; he’s trying to parent her.”

The girl in question wasn’t so eager to be parented earlier, when he’d sent her away to let the grown ups have their discussion.

Despite her disdain at the idea of talking to Marlene, she didn’t want to be excluded; the only thing that would get her to leave was the fact that the doc sent Abby away with her. The little Firefly in training— clearly instructed to play her part— had started asking Ellie questions about her friends, and the rest was history. Joel assumed that was where the pair had gone off to anyways.

It was a smaller group this time. Dr. Anderson, Abby, Marlene, their regular driver Isaac who was staying up at the dam, and the same two nurses, Jen and Delilah— the blonde with the mole— who’d gone to the clinic to start setting up for his daughter’s procedure.

The doc wanted to do one more bone marrow aspiration on Ellie.  Then, in the coming months, instead of him returning to Jackson, he wanted them to travel to Salt Lake City so he could turn the little girl into his personal lab rat again, on his own turf this time.  

“I agree with Maria,” Tommy interjected, “Let’s try to keep things civil. Ellie was affected somethin’ nasty by all the fighting last time you folks were in town. On top of that, she’s grievin’ a real tragic loss. I don’ think that girl needs any more stress than what she’s already got.” 

Joel would thank his brother if he wasn’t so sure that the younger Miller was declaring public support for his wife to avoid ending up in the same dog house he’d landed himself in the last time Marlene was here.

Still, he knew the sentiment was genuine. Tommy had been real torn up about the fact that Ellie overheard them outside the church that night, something that Joel still regretted himself. He didn’t like to use that kind of language around his daughter. It wasn’t like she didn’t remember exactly what had happened to her, he just didn’t like reminding her in such a jarring fashion, and in front of her friend no less. They were damn lucky it’d been Dina and not someone else sitting with her. Lucky that the loose-lipped Cat had not yet joined Ellie’s friend group.

“Why don’t we focus on getting Ellie through tomorrow’s extraction? We can talk about next steps when that’s over,” the doc placated, a false smile on his face. 

He shrugged the man off and pulled his brother to the side, lowering his voice. “I’m gonna step out before this gets outta hand. If Ellie comes back here, you either send her over to me, or you stay with her. Understand? She don’t need to talk to Marlene tonight, and I don’ want them gettin’ her alone.”

“You goin’ over to Esther’s?” Tommy eyed him as Joel started to gather some of the leftover meatloaf and mashed potatoes in a tupperware container. He nodded. “Ellie had her good and upset today; I wouldn’t mind checkin’ in on the woman.” 

“What’s the deal with you two anyways? Are you still…?” he trailed off.

Joel shook his head. “I’m just bein’ neighborly.” 

That was true for the most part. Esther was a good friend. The affection was still there— But the woman had gone from being a comfort to someone who needed comforting. Someone who needed to be taken care of, which put him straight into dad-mode every time he saw her. That, and the fact that her obvious grief brought him back to the worst night of his life, meant that the physical side of things had to stay switched off for the foreseeable future. 

Ellie was right to have kicked his ass into gear in the immediate aftermath of Isaac’s death. He regretted not going to see her sooner; he owed her that much at least, and he was doin’ his best to make up for it now. Just like Tess had said before she died: there’s enough here that you have to feel some sort of obligation to me. 

He couldn’t just use her and then leave her drowning; the Joel from before could probably get away with it, but it wasn’t becoming of a guy raising a teenage girl. He didn’t want his daughter thinking that was acceptable— Or worse, that he would abandon her if things got too difficult. So here he was, bringing her meatloaf to try and avoid the Fireflies and even the scales. 

Across town, Ellie was seated on the picnic tables outside the town hall with her friends: Dina, Cat, Jesse, and Abby Anderson, who stuck out like a sore thumb, in looks and in attitude. She was beginning to question both Joel and Esther’s judgement now, because Abby may be fifteen, but she acted like an adult, even more so than Jesse, the appointed leader of their tentative quartet— quintet, if they counted ghost-Isaac, who was never far from their minds.

The doctor’s daughter didn’t seem very interested in their usual topics of conversation, and she appeared almost amused by Cat’s incessant questioning about other people’s relationships. The forward girl was fascinated by Owen, Abby’s twenty-two year old boyfriend, who stayed behind in Salt Lake City this time. Joel would be happy about that.

“So, your dad is just ok with you two dating?” 

Abby raised an eyebrow. “They work together; my dad likes him.”

The next question out of Cat’s mouth was so predictable Ellie could’ve written the dialogue herself. “Have you had sex yet?”

“No,” the Firefly girl answered with another awkward shrug. “Owen wants to wait till I’m older— That, and he doesn’t want to get fired,” she smirked. Then, like she was trying to be polite, Abby nodded at Cat and asked, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Fuck no. I’m a lesbian,” the girl responded, and all three of them whipped around to stare at her.

“You are?” Jesse squinted, like he didn’t quite believe her. Ellie wracked her brain for any hint of this important information that they had clearly all missed— Come to think of it, Cat asked a lot of uncomfortable questions, but even during truth or dare, Ellie and Dina had been trying to steer them away from such topics and hadn’t asked many in return. 

“Uh— yeah,” Cat said, and they heard the silent, duh at the end of her sentence.

At least she wasn’t alone in her bewilderment; her best friend looked just as confused, which was fair considering that for the past month she’d been under the impression the new girl was flirting with her boyfriend. 

“Alright then,” Abby blinked, then looked at Ellie with the same question in her eyes.

“Um… me too,” she admitted, glancing across the table. Because Dina knew, it didn’t feel like such a big deal to tell everyone else.

“Now that, I believe,” Jesse chuckled, and Ellie shot him an indignant glare. “Fuck you—”

“Hey— Don’t think I don’t notice the way you look at Leia in that slave costume,” her friend waggled his eyebrows and Dina smacked him on the chest. “Leave her alone,” she scolded.

Cat was staring at Ellie accusingly. “You didn’t tell me Riley was a girl.”

“Sorry,” she cringed, already squirming at the mention of her lie. The real Riley would find all of this fucking hilarious. Thank God for Abby’s confused interjection. “You guys don’t talk to eachother or what?” the girl asked, swinging her leg over the bench so she was sitting properly at the table.

“I’ve been here for like… a month.” Their newest friend rolled her eyes, and Abby raised her arms in surrender. “Well so—rry. I didn’t know that.”

Cat changed spots, sitting on top of the picnic table, then pulled out a small baggie of weed and a blue lighter from inside her hoodie pocket. 

Abby’s eyes narrowed. “Where’d you get that?”

“My uncle Ron got it from Eugene,” Cat informed them, taking out the paper to roll a joint. “My mom lets me have it to relax.” She lit the end of the joint and sucked it into her mouth, blowing out a cloud of hazy smoke with her exhale before leaning back and offering it to Ellie.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, or even that she hadn’t tried it once or twice. What could she say? Riley had been a bad influence, but there were two problems, one: Joel. Ellie didn’t think she needed to elaborate on why he was an issue, and two: she was supposed to be getting a bone marrow aspiration done tomorrow. She wasn’t sure if smoking weed would affect that somehow, and she didn’t want to wreck the sample on the off chance it had some sort of negative impact.

Ellie took the joint, but passed it to Abby without partaking. 

The Firefly girl took it and inhaled one long puff, then a second short one, and tried to pass it across the table to Dina, who— like Ellie, refused. “Maybe another time.”

“Same,” Jesse said, “I’m not really in the mood tonight.”

“Suit yourself,” Abby shrugged, then sucked in the smoke once more before handing it back to Cat.

“You guys are the worst,” she puffed on the joint again, then put it out on the table. “If you’re not gonna smoke, then you can at least play a game with me.”

“What is it with you and games?” her best friend sighed. “I’m not playing truth or dare again.”

“What about—?” Cat started, but Dina cut her off. “Not spin the bottle either. I already told you we don’t have enough people for that one.” 

“Uh… no offense, but I don’t really want to play spin the bottle with you guys,” Abby seconded. 

“That wasn’t what I was going to say,” the girl scowled. “You’ll play a game with me Ellie, won’t you?”

“What game?” she yielded to their newest friend. As irritating and persistent as Cat could be, she liked to make her smile; she had a pretty smile. Ellie was rewarded with an ear to ear grin and a happy, “I knew you would. Ok so it’s called Would You Rather—”

The rules were simple. All they had to do was choose between two horrible options, like would they rather burn to death, or drown— Or would they rather starve for a month or eat only canned peaches for a year. Ellie was pretty sure she’d actually done both of those things already. Dina didn’t seem too enthused, but she didn’t kick up a fuss, just leaned back against Jesse’s chest and closed her eyes. 

“You go first, Abby,” Cat offered.

The Firefly girl, now friendlier and more relaxed from the weed, rested her chin on her hand and looked at Jesse. “You’re pretty quiet over there,” she said. “Would you rather live forever, or die in the next five minutes?”

“How would I die?” Jesse countered, and Abby frowned, thought about it for a second, then said, “Beat to death with a golf club.”

Ellie bawked. “Ouch. Where did you even come up with that?”

She’d seen a lot of people die, the most gruesome ones being David, and James and their friends… the men Joel hacked into pieces with a machete, or Danny, the gas station guy whose face she carved with her knife, but a golf club was such a specific, unique first option. It couldn’t be random. 

The girl snorted. “I saw this guy do it to this other guy once— It was like a revenge thing: looked painful.”

Jesse shot Abby a disturbed look. “Live forever, definitely.” Her friend set his sights on Ellie next and she couldn’t help but wonder if Jesse chose her because he knew she didn’t like answering questions. He could be intuitive like that sometimes. “Ellie, would you rather get caught stealing by Maria, or by Tommy?”

“What kind of question is that?” Dina criticized. “Obviously, Tommy.”

“I was gonna say Maria actually,” Ellie shrugged. “She’s all about ‘letting Joel parent,’” she said with air quotes, “She’d probably just get him to punish me— But Tommy would be disappointed, and he’d give me some long speech about all the people I’m hurting by stealing…” she couldn’t help but smile because it was true. He was SO annoying.

It was her turn to ask Cat something and she had to make it weird, otherwise the girl wouldn’t have fun and it was her idea to play in the first place. She tried to copy Jesse’s but make it grosser. “Would you rather get caught kissing someone by your mom or by your uncle?”

“Ugh. My mom— one hundred percent,” she answered automatically, “My uncle is super weird about that stuff.” Cat didn’t whine or complain about the caliber of her question, so Ellie assumed that was an acceptable thing to ask. 

The girl turned to Dina with a devilish smirk on her face, obviously preparing to take full advantage of her turn. “Would you rather make out with Jesse’s dad, or Ellie’s dad?” she questioned, crossing her arms over her chest.

“What the actual fuck, Cat?” Dina protested. “I’m not answering that.”

“You can’t just refuse to answer,” Abby challenged back. “You heard her: your boyfriend’s dad or your best friend’s?” she raised an eyebrow. 

“Don’t you dare pick my dad,” Jesse elbowed her in the ribs and she glowered at him. “Fine— Joel then. Sorry Ellie,” she wrinkled her nose.

Ellie feigned hitting her face against the table, burying her head in her arms. “You’re so gross, Cat,” she complained, and the girl in question leaned over and shook her shoulders. “C’mon, it was funny— Forgive me.”

“Never,” Ellie grumped, which only made her friend double down. “Please forgive me— Pretty please— Please with a cherry on top—” A cherry? What did cherries have to do with anything?

“Fine,” she huffed after another few rounds of begging, because somehow, even though she had the dirtiest mind of them all, Cat was so endearing and so good at making herself seem completely innocent that Ellie couldn’t help but bend to her will. “— but you suck.”

Dina went to Jesse’s house after the game, and Cat lived next door, so the three of them walked together. In exchange, Dina made Abby promise to walk with Ellie all the way back to Tommy’s, which she did, most of the way anyways. The Firefly girl split off from her on the next road over, citing her ‘big muscles,’ as the reason why she didn’t need an escort back to the Fireflies’ home-stay.

Dr. Anderson’s daughter was a lot funner when she was high.

Her uncle and Maria were sitting out on the porch when she got back, but Joel wasn’t with them. As soon as Ellie got close enough to smell, Tommy’s eyes went wide as dinner plates. “Ellie girl, please tell me I don’t have to take you home to my brother stoned outta your tree.” 

“I didn’t smoke,” she said, on the defensive. “I swear. Cat did, and Abby— But me, Dina, and Jesse didn’t. I have my procedure tomorrow.” 

“Where’s Cat gettin’ weed from?” he demanded.

Ellie shrugged. “I dunno,” she lied. She wasn’t going to rat out her friend.

Tommy gave her a disapproving look, like he didn’t believe her, then he turned to Maria. “You wanna just… get her a change of clothes or somethin’? Before I take her home…”

The woman laughed and motioned for her to come inside. “Uncle Tommy’s right, honey. Otherwise we’re gonna have your daddy knockin’ down our door the second he gets a whiff of you.”

Ellie made an important observation in that moment: Tommy and Maria weren’t above deceiving Joel for their own benefit. That was good to know. 

Chapter Text

Ellie let out a pathetic groan, rolled over and pressed her cheek into the thin pillow on the clinic bed.

“You did good, baby girl,” Joel praised, smoothing her hair back. “S’all over now. You just rest.”

“Can we go home?” she yawned. “I don’t like sleeping here.”

“If you think you can get yourself dressed,” he allowed, leaning back in his chair. 

She sighed; as Joel would say, this wasn’t their first rodeo. He knew full well that she would struggle lifting her arms over her head for most of the day, probably most of tomorrow too. “Can’t you just help me?”

“Ellie, we’ve talked about this.”

Yeah, they’d talked about it. Joel didn’t think it was appropriate for her to change clothes in the same room as him anymore, which was so stupid because she didn’t do it very much anyways, and because he literally saw her naked so many times before this. In the chalet with the hunters, and who knew how many times afterwards when she was sick and peeing her pants every couple hours; she didn’t remember a lot of that— then again at the hospital, and finally, like two and half months ago when she got her period all over Esther’s bathroom.

Joel didn’t care; she didn’t care. So, what did it matter? Only she supposed he did care now— But NOT because he was scared that seeing her body might make him aroused; he was very clear about that because as usual, that was the first thing she’d asked him.

He always reminded her of Tommy when he started in with the whole, “It just ain’t right,” or “It ain’t how things are done.”

“None of this would matter if I were really your daughter,” she scowled, and her dad closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. 

“First of all: you are really my daughter.” He sounded offended, “— And second of all: Yes it would.”

Joel switched from sitting beside the bed to sitting next to her on the sheets. “Don’t get it all muddled in your head thinkin’ this is somethin’ that’s normal between dads an’ daughters— It ain’t.”

He was moving into lecture-mode and she was powerless to stop him. “Ellie honey, you and I have crossed so many boundaries that sometimes even I have a hard time knowin’ where to draw the line. We’ve been in a lot of situations where privacy just wasn’t possible…”

“Like getting raped,” she said dully. Or when he had to help her wash all the blood and goop off afterwards…

Joel winced. He didn’t like when she said things like that for shock value or to disturb him on purpose. 

“Like that,” he said with a frown. “—And when you needed help goin’ to the bathroom, or when you needed me to show you how to deal with your monthlies. The important thing to remember in all of that is the need. Wasn’t just cos I wanted to, or cos you could. Understand?”

“Well, I need help changing,” Ellie countered. It wasn’t like she wanted her dad to look at her. The actual changing wasn’t the issue, but the idea of him telling her no stirred a familiar sort of defiance in her throat. Like if he really loved her, he would. Another one of those things she knew wasn’t true, but she couldn’t stop obsessing about anyways. 

“If you need help, we’ll ask Jen or Delilah to give you a hand when one of ‘em comes back in here to check on you.” 

She looked up at him just to roll her eyes in a dramatic display of annoyance. “Fine. I guess I’ll just lay here suffering then…”

She didn’t have time to lean too far into her complaining before there was a knock at the door and Dr. Chang poked his head into the room. “Hey Ellie, Joel—” Jesse’s dad nodded toward them. Mind if I come in?” 

Dr. Anderson decided this time around that it would be helpful to have another doctor local to Jackson to consult with on Ellie’s case, someone who could do regular check ups on her. He made her choose between her friend’s dad, and the other lady doctor who she didn’t know very well. 

Ellie chose Eric, because Joel told her it would be best to go with someone they both already trusted, and she didn’t have a good enough argument for why not. Joel beckoned him in, and Ellie started trying to push herself into a sitting position so she wasn’t flopping around on her belly like a fish. 

“You don’t have to get up, honey,” Eric cautioned, but she was already reaching for her dad, who propped her pillow against the headboard to settle her more comfortably.

“Wow, something you’ll actually help me do…” she muttered under her breath. 

He shot her a nasty look.

“I’m sensing some tension in here,” Jesse’s dad smirked. “Anything I can help with?”

“Not unless you’ve got the cure for teenage attitude in your pocket,” Joel replied, and Ellie almost laughed in spite of herself, because that was such a dad thing to say. Instead, she feigned anger, crossing her arms over her chest. 

False irritation turned into real discomfort when she noticed that Eric was holding the manila file with all her information in it. She saw it last time; she knew what it said.

It had the details of her immunity, but it also contained descriptions of pregnancy tests, her UTI, the Gon-o-rhea disease, and if that wasn’t enough to clue the doctor in, the notes clearly stated, “Patient has significant vaginal and urethral trauma consistent with a penetrative sexual assault as disclosed by caregiver that occurred prior to her arrival at St. Mary’s Hospital.”

Vaginal and urethral trauma? Penetrative sexual assault? Caregiver? Like, what the fuck? Why did he have to write it like that? It wasn’t like there were any laws telling doctors that they had to talk like snobbish, self-important assholes. There weren’t any laws, period.

Jesse’s dad must’ve seen where her eyes had wandered because he cleared his throat and patted the end of the bed. “Is it ok if I sit?” he asked.

Ellie shrugged, and he read her hesitancy as a no, crouching down next to the bed instead. “Ellie, a big part of being a doctor is keeping my patients’ secrets. You don’t hear me telling stories about people who visit the clinic when you’re over for dinner, do you?”

She shook her head.

“Right.” His tone was serious. “So, I’m gonna let you know here and now that everything in this file stays between myself, Dr. Anderson, and your dad. I won’t share it with my wife, I won’t share it with my son, and I won’t tell Dr. Jameson or any of our friends. Is that clear?”

Casting her eyes down in her lap, Ellie swallowed and nodded. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore; she just wanted to go home. It was so weird how Joel could go from annoyed at her to worried again in the span of a few minutes. He asked to talk to Eric out in the hall, then when he returned, he was gentler, his posture shrouded with concern. 

“Why don’ you get your pants on and I’ll give you a hand with the top? — Then we’ll go. How ‘bout that?” he bargained.

She bit her lip, suddenly feeling childish for insisting he help her when she could just do it herself, albeit a little slower than if she had an extra set of hands; she was sore, not dying.

Ellie remembered Tommy’s words to her after she blew up at Joel for avoiding Esther. That she should be mindful of the power she wielded. Was she taking advantage of her dad? Using his guilt over her bad experiences to manipulate him into doing things he didn’t want to do? The conclusion she came to was yes— she was. 

“It’s ok,” she said softly. “I can do it. I was being dumb.”

Ellie didn’t know how to tell him that she liked when he took care of her, and that his reluctance was just one other thing that meant she was growing up, and if she was growing up, that meant she wasn’t safe, and— He already knows, she realized as he shot her a sad little smile, ruffled her hair and left her alone to get dressed. He knows but he’s doing it anyways, which means it must be important. 

With more resolve than earlier, she slid slowly, painstakingly out of her hospital gown, mindful of the bruising, throbbing pain in her lower half, and sorted her clothes into four piles: bra, underwear, sweater, and leggings.

“Everything’s fine,” Ellie whispered to herself. “He still loves you, and everything’s fine.”

Joel set her up in her room with the door open and fussed over her a bit, made sure she was warm, and did her hair in a braid so it wouldn’t get all knotted from laying in bed. She suspected he was doing it to make double sure she knew he cared— He brought her some tea, but she didn’t get a chance to drink more than a few sips before she fell asleep, safely ensconced in the familiar purple comforter. 

Ellie couldn’t’ve been resting more than an hour or two when she awoke to the tap of knuckles against wood and someone flipping on her light. When she blinked her eyes open, still groggy, and rolled over, she saw that Joel was in the doorway, Marlene standing behind him.

“Your friend is headin’ back home here in a couple hours. She wanted to make sure she got the chance to say goodbye,” he explained. 

Her dad didn’t leave right away. He was watching the Firefly leader with pursed lips, like he was wary to move out of earshot.

“Is that alright?” he prompted. 

Oh. He was waiting for her to respond. “Yeah, it’s ok.” 

The woman stepped into her room with a smile and offered a hand to Ellie to help her sit up, which she took, adjusting her position forward so that she wasn’t putting pressure on her lower back. Then, Marlene pulled the chair over from her desk and sat down near the bed. Joel was still watching them from the door frame, but once he realized they weren’t going to talk in front of him, he tipped his head and disappeared into the hallway. The stairs creaked as he went down.

“Does it bother you?— the hovering,” she clarified.

Ellie shrugged, already noticing the subtle squeeze of defensiveness in her chest. “Maybe he doesn’t want you telling me lies about him.”

“What kind of lies would I tell you about Joel?” Marlene’s brows knitted together with interest, and Ellie found herself unable to prevent a tingling heat from rising in her cheeks. She couldn’t tell the woman what she’d overheard outside the church. It was too uncomfortable to bring up around anyone that wasn’t her dad.

“Nothing, I guess,” she dismissed, staring at the wall in silence. 

The woman stood up and started exploring her bedroom as she made small talk. “It’s nice in here. Very you,” she commented, looking first to the solar system above her head, then at the posters on the walls. Her eyes roamed over Ellie’s dresser, stopping on the photo of her and Joel, and the whittled objects. “Did somebody make these for you?” Marlene picked up the rocket ship carving.

“Joel did, for my birthday.”

She didn’t respond. “—And you drew those I bet,” the woman pointed to her sketches of Tommy and Joel, Riley, and Maria with Scout. “I saw the drawing on the wall in the living room, of you and his daughter. You’re very talented.”

We’re both his daughters, she thought spitefully, but didn’t say it out loud.

The conversation was forced, awkward. Ellie wished in that moment that she hadn’t listened to Dina’s advice to invite the Firefly woman back, and for the first time in what felt like a long time, she wondered what her mother would think of all this, of Marlene’s role in her life. If her mom would want her to know all that stuff about her biological father— If she would like Joel.

“Listen—” the woman started with a sigh after another long stretch of not saying anything. She sat back down in the chair next to the bed. “Ellie, I’m not trying to drive a wedge between us…” she trailed off. “It’s just that I remember that fiery teenager I knew in Boston, and I look at you now and I can’t help but worry. The fact that you’ve become so co-dependent with this man that you only met a year ago is… startling?— I think is the word I’d use. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”

Co-dependent. Tommy sometimes used that word to describe them too, except it was almost always followed by laughter. He said it to be annoying, because he knew it bugged his brother. “You’re the one who made me go with him in the first place,” she said accusingly. “— And you weren’t there. You didn’t see everything that happened to us… to me.” 

“I know, Ellie and I’m sorry about that, believe me. I wish I’d had another option— But it’s not healthy to spend all your time with a man in his fifties, especially now that you’re in a safe place, with so many other people…”

“He’s forty-eight,” she countered, “—not fifty. And I don’t spend all my time with Joel. I hang out with Maria, and me and Tommy went camping together last month, and I have friends: Dina, Jesse, and Cat— There was Isaac too, but…” Ellie gnawed at the end of one of her fingernails. “Plus, Joel has a girlfriend. He doesn’t spend all his time with me either.”

“He has a girlfriend?” the woman raised an eyebrow, and Ellie got the impression that she’d struck a cord with Marlene, like this was something she should elaborate on.

“Mhm,” she nodded, latching onto the subject change. “Her name’s Esther. You met her; she was at the games night. Except he doesn’t actually call her his girlfriend,” she corrected, just in case the Firefly leader decided to ask her dad about it later, “but they, you know—” Ellie wrinkled her nose, then added, “She was Isaac’s mom, my friend who died,” as a distraction. 

Marlene looked thoughtful. “I didn’t know all of that.”

The woman wasn’t telling the truth. She knew about Ellie’s friends; she was here a month ago. But maybe she was referring to the whole Esther thing. Like it was suddenly easier for her to believe that he wasn’t being inappropriate with Ellie now that she knew he was… getting it out of his system or whatever, with someone else. 

Ugh. That was so fucking gross to think about. It reminded her why she was mad at Marlene in the first place. 

“Here’s the thing, honey—” the Firefly leader sucked on the insides of her cheeks. “Tommy told me, that Joel told him, that you wanted to talk to me about Anna. That you thought it might help you move on from the conversation we had at the hospital.”

What the fuck? Her dad was such a fucking traitor, telling Tommy her private thoughts without even asking her if it was ok first.

“—But I also know that one of your friends passed away not very long ago, and I don’t want to overwhelm you again,” she continued. “So, I thought maybe we’d start small. I brought you something, and if you’d like, the next time we see eachother, when Joel brings you to Salt Lake City, we can talk more about it.”

IF Joel brought her to Salt Lake City. That was a big if. She frowned as Marlene pulled something out of her hoodie pocket; it was a photo. Grainy and weathered, but still clear enough for her to recognize the subject: a woman who looked just like her but older. The same auburn hair and green eyes, the same freckled skin; she was laughing. “That’s my mother,” Ellie said, a little dazed. 

The Firefly leader smiled at her reaction. “This was taken while she was working in the triage camp.” Marlene pointed to the woman’s nursing uniform, “—the year before you were born,” she clarified, then her face darkened and she pointed to the background, a pair of soldiers next to the tent behind her. “That’s your father, right there,” she said, circling one of the blurry faces with her pinky finger.

Ellie’s eyes widened, her heart dropping into her stomach as she scooched back a bit, startled by the sudden revelation. She swallowed, scrutinizing the figure in more detail now. It was hard to get a good look because he was facing sideways, but Walter Mackenzie was tall and old, just like Marlene said. He looked even older than Joel, with a dark gray beard and salt and pepper hair. There were distinctive age lines all around his mouth and eyes.

“Is he still alive?” she asked, though she wasn’t sure she wanted to know if the answer was yes. 

“No,” Marlene shook her head. “He died before you were ever born. Killed in a Firefly attack on the base where he was assigned,” the woman said pointedly.

“Oh.” Her mouth hung open with surprise, and she had to force it closed. She took a deep breath and tried to relax her shoulders. Ellie put the photo on her nightstand.

“Make sure you get some rest and that you’re taking care of yourself: eating, sleeping, doing things you enjoy.” Marlene reminded her. “I know I don’t need to tell you that losing a friend takes a toll on a person.”

“I will.” She nodded, watching the Firefly leader leave with a weird sense of unfinished business nestled somewhere deep inside her belly. A reason to convince Joel to take her back to St. Mary’s hospital. Maybe there was still hope for Ellie and Marlene— For Ellie and Anna. Maybe Dina was right after all. 

Chapter Text

“Do you think she’s pretty?” Ellie asked, laying her cheek against his arm on Tommy’s couch.

She held the picture of her mother that Marlene had gifted to her in one hand, the other stuffed in her hoodie pocket. His brother and Maria were at the kitchen table going back and forth about their books while they let their dinner settle. 

“She’s beautiful,” Joel allowed gently. “Looks just like my daughter.”

“Joel—” the little girl head-butted him. “I was being serious.”

“So was I,” he defended. “Ain’t nobody more beautiful in a dad’s eyes than his daughter. Simple as that.” Ellie was the spitting image of Anna Williams, enough that looking at the woman gave him a glimpse into her future. 

Twenty-one— That was still six years away. It wasn’t hard to imagine her physical growth, but when it came to the emotional side of things… Joel couldn’t quite conjure up an Ellie who didn’t snuggle into his side every time he sat down, or kick her feet into his lap on the couch. A girl who didn’t play infected, or pull on his beard hair when she was annoyed with him. An adult who didn’t need him, not in the same way.

She might always be some variation of clingy or overly affectionate, but Joel preferred to do a job right, and the goal wasn’t for her to be this dependent on him forever. 

“You’re so lame,” Ellie rolled her eyes at him, but he recognized the drama for what it was: a pretense. Just like any other kid, Joel knew his daughter enjoyed the attention; she needed the reassurance. 

“Where’s the rest of the picture?” He traced along the edge of the photo, a straight cut slicing through the left third of the paper, which made it look lopsided. “She lose the other half?” 

“It’s in my pocket,” she frowned, eyebrows pinching together like she was thinking hard about something. Ellie pulled out the missing scrap of photo paper and handed it to him: a grainy image of two soldiers standing side by side. 

“Marlene gave you a picture of your Mama, and you cut it up?” he squinted.

“I didn’t want him to be in it,” Ellie said quietly, pointing to one of the two uniforms, and a sudden understanding washed over him.

“That’s the man who raped her,” she added, though he didn’t need the clarification. For fuck’s sake, that woman was a goddamn menace. He told her the girl was upset knowin’ the truth about her father, so she went and gave her a permanent visual reminder?

Joel put a mighty effort into stifling his own reaction, though he had to admit, the sight of Ellie’s dad, even in a faded photograph stirred something dark and possessive in the pit of his stomach.

“Naw— This guy?” he soothed, keeping his tone light, almost playful as he took the picture for observation. “Couldn’t be. You look more like me than you do him.”

“Liar. You can’t even see all of his face.” Her brows were fixed in a scowl, but if he was being honest, it was hard to get a read on her. Joel couldn’t tell if she was trying to play it off, or if she was truly upset. Probably a little bit of both. He couldn’t help but notice that Tommy and Maria had gone quiet in the kitchen. His brother always was a nosy son-of-a-bitch.

The little girl chewed on her lip. “He was so old. Even if he didn’t get killed, he’d probably be dead by now anyways.” Joel fixated on the one word that mattered in that statement: killed. 

It was a relief. Not that he’d say that to Ellie, no matter what she felt about the man. First it was the gruesome story, then the photo… At this point he didn’t trust Marlene enough not to worry that they’d show up in Salt Lake City greeted by the sick motherfucker seeking some kind of twisted redemption. Of course the Firefly leader’s best friend had been victimized by the man, so that was a stretch. Still, it was better to know than to wonder.

“Not necessarily,” Joel drawled, trying to keep the conversation neutral, steer it away from estranged relatives. “Sixty-five ain’t a death sentence. Jus’ look at Eugene.”

Barring any unforeseeable circumstances or random acts of violence, people were actually better suited to live longer lives than they used to be, now that they no longer had things like fast food chains, cigarettes, and sedentary lifestyles to contend with.

“You’re gonna live till you’re a hundred and twenty-four, right?” she grinned, referencing their conversation on her birthday, and Joel snorted, his lips turning up at the corners. “That’s the plan.”

Ellie was silent for a moment. “Do you think he had more kids? Like if he did that to other women…”

—And they were back on Mr. Father-of-the year. 

Joel pursed his lips. “He could’ve. People don’t usually start misbehavin’ that late in life.” David sure didn’t. He couldn’t help but remember what the hunter he’d tortured for information had said about Ellie: “She’s David’s newest pet,” which implied that he’d kept little girls as pets before. But he didn’t want to get her thinkin’ about that more than she already was, so he kept the commentary to himself. 

“What if he did?” she frowned. “Would they still count as brothers and sisters if we didn’t know eachother?”

“Course they would, honey. Blood is blood,” he said, but then realized the kind of message that statement might send, and doubled back a bit, un-tucking his arm to wrap it around her, “—but blood ain’t all that matters,” he reassured before she had the chance to feel insecure about it. 

Tommy whispered something to Maria, then went over to the counter to start fixing dessert: a homemade rhubarb crisp, part of which Robin sent home with Ellie this afternoon. She didn’t seem to notice the movement, still lost in thought. 

His daughter let out a her breath in a shaky, dejected huff and wormed herself as deep as she could into his embrace. “Do you think he was always bad? Or do you think something happened to make him like that?— Like how you did bad things because Sarah died.” 

Two plates crashed together in the kitchen, and she looked up this time. Joel tried his best to control his facial expression. He should be used to her psychological brain teasers at this point, but every now and then she still managed to throw him through a loop. Did she even understand that she was comparing him to the man who’d kidnapped and raped her mother?

“That ain’t the same thing.”

“But why?” she stressed. “What if he did have more kids before me?— With someone he loved and didn’t hurt? What if his daughter or son died and that made it so he didn’t care about anyone anymore?” 

Joel understood that she was just trying to make sense of it, but he wished she wouldn’t. He’d prefer to assume that any man who’d raised a daughter would think twice before brutalizing somebody else’s, but he knew well enough that wasn’t how things worked. 

“Because you either have that kind of sickness in you, or you don’t, kiddo. Same with the men who do it for power,” he added that little clarification on the spot, determined not to contradict the things he’d told her in the past. “It ain’t a trait that just develops after goin’ through somethin’ hard.” 

“So, you always had killing, and torturing and stuff inside you?— But not raping?” Ellie asked, and Joel was never more sure than he was in this moment that when the Lord had assigned him to look after this sweet baby girl, she was sent into his life as both a redemption and a punishment.

His daughter was the best part of him; through her, he’d been reborn— But just as Esther had compared the cycle of Isaac’s anger to her own personal brand of hell, seeing himself through the lens of Ellie’s innocence felt like another form of eternal damnation. 

“I guess you could say that,” he allowed cautiously.

The Joel from twenty-two years ago would probably say he wasn’t capable of even half the horrors he’d since inflicted, but then again, that same man hadn’t thought twice about picking up a gun and aiming it at Jimmy Cooper, so maybe he was. He reckoned everybody was, under the right circumstances. 

It didn’t matter either way. The fragile narrative he’d constructed to help explain all of this to Ellie was too important for them to get hung up on technicalities.

If she needed to believe that he was born with an inclination for violence, then so be it. There were people like Tommy who killed because they had to, and people like Joel who killed because they wanted to; there were normal men, and there were rapists, and it was better for those boundaries to stay firm in her mind. It wouldn’t do her any good to worry about all the intricacies and nuances of human nature.

“Oh,” she squinted, her nose wrinkling as she did so. “I think I get it.” 

Do you, sweetheart?

He wasn’t so sure. 

Joel let out his own profound exhale, wondering how many more of these conversations they could have before she realized that he was full of shit, that he was just making things up as they went.

“I love you,” Ellie said, prying herself free from his arms only to lunge at him again and wrap hers around his neck. “So—so—so—so—so much,” the little girl emphasized.

Make her laugh, he told himself. This was his opportunity to turn her mood around. “I love you so much too,” Joel mimicked, then dug his fingers under her ribs and squeezed. He was rewarded with a high-pitched squeal and a knee to the chest as she squirmed away from him.

“Joel stop! Stop—stop—stop—” she pleaded as he trapped her, pinning her down and going for the shins. 

“I take it back!” Ellie called, aiming failed kicks in his direction. “You’re the worst dad I’ve ever met—” 

“Is that right?” he asked, lowering his voice threateningly; his daughter squealed again and tried to arch out of his grasp before going limp in his arms. Joel released her, and Ellie grinned, letting out a breathless giggle. “You’re mean.” 

“Yeah well,” he snorted. “Why don’ we have some dessert?” Joel nodded in the direction of Tommy setting plates out on the table.

“I always want dessert—” she laughed, which wasn’t true. He’d seen her reject dessert many times, but he’d take it. He’d take any chance he could to get her fattened up.

“Wait—” Ellie stopped him before they got up. “Can you keep this for me?” she asked, holding out the picture of her father. “I don’t want it, but I don’t know if I want to… I dunno,” she shrugged.

Joel slipped the photo into his jeans’ pocket without requiring any further explanation. Clearly she had complicated feelings. Feelings Marlene had no problem exacerbating in her ploy to lure his daughter back to St. Mary’s Hospital. 

Oh— how he would rejoice on the day they got the news that the Firefly leader had been killed in the line of duty, or bitten and infected. Either one would make a satisfying end for the woman who always left his daughter more disturbed than she found her, which in spite of his fatherly bias, was an impressive feat in itself. 

The younger Miller eyed him as they sat down at the table, but it wasn’t with the usual look of disapproval. If Joel was correct, it was something closer to kudos, a guess that was supported when Maria put a hand on his shoulder and smiled, pulling Ellie into a conversation about whether she liked Shimmer’s saddle. Half the time his daughter wasn’t even riding Shimmer, she was offering her up for Esther to ride, but still, the little girl managed to find something to say.

Joel returned his brother’s gaze with a nod, feeling just a touch of his own pride. He wasn’t a perfect father by any stretch, but he was trying his best under difficult circumstances. He appreciated the acknowledgment after a conversation like the one they’d just had where he’d felt the inadequacy of his answers more keenly than usual. 

Joel was knocked down a peg a few days later when he invited his brother over for drinks after work, along with Eugene who’d been passing by, and Ron, who’d been working with Tommy on security maintenance for the gate.

The man brought his niece with him, and the girls were sequestered away upstairs as the adults sat out on the porch with their pick-me-ups. 

Eugene took a sip from his flask, then set it on the table outside, leaning forward to address Ron. “Listen—” he started. “I don’t mind supplyin’ yer sister, but I’m not in the business of gettin’ kids hooked on shit. What you do in yer own home is none of my business, but keep it away from the teenagers, you hear me?” 

Tommy pressed his lips together and looked away from Joel, which was a bad sign. “Which teenagers?” he crossed his arms over his chest.

Ron rubbed his forehead awkwardly. “It’s Cat,” he admitted. “—And yeah, I know Lena gives her some every now and then, but what you’ve gotta understand about my niece is that she’s been through a lot, and she has these fits around bedtime; crying and nightmares… It’s one of the only things that helps her relax enough to sleep.”

That made sense, considering the girl had a damn near panic attack spendin’ the night at his house. Marijuana though… That was one thing he hadn’t considered trying with Ellie. No matter how much it might help, it just didn’t seem right to drug her. Last thing they needed was something that might worsen her already intense bouts of paranoia. 

“If that’s what works for you, then fine, but it’s when she’s out there offerin’ it to other kids just for shits and giggles that bugs me,” Eugene explained. 

“When did that happen?” Joel asked again, a little more demanding this time, and his brother sighed. “It was once, a few nights ago, before the Fireflies left,” he explained. “Ellie told me Cat and Abby were smoking, but she wouldn’t tell me where Cat got it from.”

“Ellie told you that? — And you didn’t think to let me know?” he growled. 

Eugene cleared his throat before Joel could continue. “It wasn’t yer little girl doing it anyways, Joel— Jesse spilled the beans on patrol the other day; he’s pretty concerned about Cat. Wanted to make sure the grown ups knew what she was gettin’ up to. But he swore that Ellie and Dina both said no.” 

Ron sighed. “I’ll talk to her, and I’ll talk to Lena, but I know she’s at her wits end trying to keep Cat under control. We both are; we’ve tried rules and expectations, and we’ve tried letting her do what she wants— But she throws worse fits if we punish her, and when we don’t, she steals my sister’s tattoo supplies and colors all over herself, or deals drugs, apparently,” he winced. 

“I get it,” Eugene acknowledged. “—but yer not alone with it anymore. I don’t mind reaching out to her, helpin’ her find something better to occupy her time with— And don’t discount Joel here. He knows all about the messy side of parenting.” If the man was referring to Ellie’s tendency to throw public meltdowns, he wasn’t wrong.

Joel half-expected that when he went upstairs to warn the girls that Ron was getting ready to leave, he would find Cat and Ellie up to no good: sneaking something they shouldn’t, talking about something they shouldn’t, but what he found instead warmed his heart and left him feeling a renewed sense of optimism.

He didn’t go in, because he didn’t want to disrupt them, but from the hall, Joel could hear Ellie making space-ship noises. “Watch out, I’m about to crash—” she warned, and he pictured her standing on the bed holding the whittled ship from her birthday.

He’d completed an unpainted rocket late last night, and that was the one Cat was playing with. “I’ll come save you— Hold on— Psssshhhhhhhhh—” he heard the other girl mimicking the sound of a launch. 

Jesus Christ. They were both just babies when it came down to it. 

Maybe Joel should get to know Ron a little better. At the very least, it would help him understand what kinds of things he needed to talk to his daughter about before they became a problem. It wasn’t like he could tell Ellie to avoid hanging out with Cat; she wouldn’t know how to brush the girl off even if she wanted to, and it sure sounded like she was having fun.

As much as he held affection for and enjoyed Dina, the girl was a mature fifteen. Ellie needed a mixture of both if she was going to heal some of those pieces of her childhood that had been stolen. She needed to get this part of it out of her system so her mind had room to grow.

In the end, he let the kids play without interruption and promised the uncle that he’d walk Cat home later, vowing to give his daughter some praise tonight for saying no to peer pressure. That was a hard thing for a teenager to do, and she was such a good kid; she deserved it.

Chapter Text

Joel awoke in the middle of the night with the urge to check on Ellie. The digital clock by his bedside read 03:43. He couldn’t explain it, and he knew he shouldn’t criticize his daughter’s paranoia when he was just as bad, but he sat up and leaned over to peer into the hall through the domino effect of open doors.

He squinted to get a better look; it was hard to tell in the dark and from this vantage point, but it looked like Ellie was out of bed. Joel could see her purple bedspread and the glass of water on the table next to her pillow, but he couldn’t see her small frame beneath the covers or the steady rise and fall of her breath. Swinging his legs over the side of the mattress, he got up to look, and tried not to panic when he found his daughter’s bed empty, the covers bunched to one side. 

Joel checked the bathroom next and found it vacant as well. He was halfway down the stairs when he heard a pair of muffled voices coming from the living room. One was Ellie, and the other, a soft, familiar voice he recognized as Dina. 

After he’d discovered his daughter missing from her room on the night Isaac died, then spent one of the longest half hours of his life pacing and snapping at his brother who insisted they give her the chance to return on her own, Joel had talked her through what to do should she encounter the same scenario again.

He was aware that Dina didn’t have any rules at home. That she was allowed to walk the town freely at whichever time she wanted and return whenever she felt like it. He also knew that if the girl was distressed during the night, she wouldn’t wake her mother like Ellie might wake him to talk. Instead, she’d come to their house, climb their backyard fence, and throw rocks at his daughter’s window to summon her outside.

Joel cared about Dina and he was starting to worry about Cat; he didn’t want anymore suicides, and he knew it was good for a teenage girl to have time with her friends, so they compromised. In the event of a “friend emergency,” which was defined as the urgent need to talk, either girl could come to the house during the night, but the caveat was that they had to come inside; Ellie couldn’t go out to meet them.

Jesse was roped into the deal too because she’d pointed out that it ‘wasn’t fair,’ and it was ‘sexist,’ to let only her girl friends come over, but he had extra conditions: namely, that Ellie needed to wake him up if Jesse was in the house. 

It wasn’t anything personal. He trusted the boy well enough, and he believed his daughter when she said she was a lesbian— But what kind of father would leave his just barely fifteen-year-old girl alone with a seventeen-year-old boy unsupervised at night? Not Joel, that was for sure. If that made him sexist, then so be it.

He was going to go back to bed. Truly, he was, but then he got to wondering how Ellie talked to Dina when he wasn’t around. If she remained relatively childlike as she did with Cat, or if she was more of a chameleon, changing her spots— or in this case— her maturity level with the situation. Joel knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but it would only be for a minute, then he’d go back upstairs. 

Tiptoeing further down the steps, he opened his ears just in time to hear Ellie’s tone inflect her surprise. “Wait, you wanna break up with him?” she asked.

“It’s not that I want to,” Dina replied, sounding frustrated. “But he’s been acting so weird ever since Isaac died. Like I’m a doll or something. He won’t kiss me, or touch me, or do any of the stuff we used to do because he’s scared I’ll get traumatized, or I don’t know…” 

Good, Joel thought to himself. Best keep it that way till you’re older, honey. Same advice he’d give Ellie. 

“Do you think that’s really because of Isaac though? You guys having sex and Isaac dying happened on the same night. Maybe he’s just scared because you had to stop the first time. I mean… it’s probably not good to do it if it hurts.”

Alright, this was getting a little uncomfortable to listen to. Dina sighed. “We do other things besides just sex, Ellie.”

Please don’t tell her about them, he prayed— And by the grace of God, his daughter’s friend changed the subject. “I think he already feels like shit about what happened to Isaac and he doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy with me too. Like he’s pressuring me or making me do stuff when I don’t want to— But I do want to, and it just seems like I’m annoying him every time I ask him to…”

Though he only heard a small part of their conversation, and though he’d rather cover Ellie’s ears and sing la—la—la until it was finished, Joel decided that now was the time to take his leave. He went back up to bed with a knot in his stomach wishing he could turn back time enough to make things black and white for her again. 

If he could do it over, Joel would avoid getting involved with Esther— That felt like the turning point in this for her. His complicated relationship with the woman had shifted the idea of sex from a big, bad evil thing in Ellie’s mind into something that was ok under the right circumstances, something that dad could do. Now she was talking about it with her friends like it was normal for fifteen and not the unfortunate result of Renata’s shitty parenting. 

Was that too overprotective? Possibly. But how in the hell was he supposed to keep her safe otherwise?

This had to be his fault. Something he’d done… something he didn’t do— And to think, all of this started because he couldn’t fucking find her fast enough in that goddamn snowstorm… because he couldn’t keep his balance on the ledge at the university… because he fucked it up when he didn’t try to convince her to stay in Jackson with him the first time around…

It took him a good long while of stewing in this to realize that Ellie wasn’t the one having a trauma reaction here: he was. His daughter was fine. She wasn’t panicking; Dina wasn’t hurting her just by sharing her experiences. If anything, the open dialogue was probably helping his girl make sense of things in her own head.

Joel couldn’t stand the thought of seeing her hurt again— But if he didn’t gain control of himself, he was going to be the one hurting her. Scaring her. Catastrophizing things that were normal at her age. Making her feel even more shame over what those fuckers had done to her than she already felt. He needed to give up the reigns a little and stop doing shit like listening in on her private conversations. 

Even bringing up what he’d overheard at the funeral was the wrong thing to do. She’d clammed right up because she didn’t consent to talking about it, and all he’d done was make her feel bad about the fact that Dina was having sex. That, over everything else she’d been through had been the tipping point that had made her lash out and try to hit herself right in front of him.

Joel had to trust that their bond was strong enough for her to come to him if she had questions. If she was uncomfortable or if she needed help.

Laying all that out and acknowledging it helped. There was something to be said for his infamous alone time— And in the morning when Joel got up and went back downstairs, the girls were curled up on opposite ends of the couch, fast asleep. 

It was Saturday, and he was in a good mood after the late night introspection, so he did something abnormal for himself and took the liberty of inviting Robin, Eric, Renata, Lena, and Ron as well as their respective children over to the house for a get together in the evening. An unofficial parents’ meeting, just to make sure they were all on good terms with one and other. He stopped by Esther’s too, but she politely declined and he understood that just fine. It couldn’t be easy to be around your dead child’s friends, let alone all of them at once.

Yes, Joel thought. If he was going to be involved, he needed to be involved in the right way.

The first thing that Ellie noticed when she woke up late into the morning was that Joel was acting weird. He was being too nice. In some ways he was always nice, but this time she meant nice more as a social aspect than a personal one. 

He’d made her and Dina breakfast, which in itself wasn’t strange, but instead of retiring to the couch to whittle, or pretend to go over the construction schedule even though it was the same every week, Joel sat at the table and talked to them. He let them know that he’d invited people over— And not just the normal ones like Tommy, Maria, and Eugene. He invited people that he disliked, like Renata— Or didn’t know, like Cat’s mom Lena. 

“Does Cat have to come?” Dina complained, her tone taking on a whiny quality.

Joel raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure you’re not suggestin’ we leave the poor girl out. It ain’t nice to exclude people.” Says him, Ellie resisted the urge to roll her eyes— But still, she was grateful; she liked Cat and she didn’t want Dina to force her to stop hanging out with the girl. 

“I’m not trying to be a bitch. It’s just that she’s gonna bug me and Jesse about… Ugh. Nevermind,” she huffed, resting her chin on her arms at the table. “Just whatever you do, don’t let my mom drink. I can’t handle both of them at the same time.”

Ellie’s dad shot the girl a pitying look, then shook his head. “It ain’t that kind of get together, honey— An’ even if somethin’ like that did happen, you’d jus’ need to leave it up to us grown ups to sort things out,” he drawled. “You can always spend another night here.” 

Dina eyed him. “Ok, but get someone else to take her home. Like Lena, or Robin. She likes you too much, and if she drinks, she’ll try to get you to come in the house and…” she trailed off. “Please— please— please don’t sleep with my mom JM,” she begged.

“What the fuck, Dina—” Ellie interjected.

“I’m just saying. That’s what she does—” 

Joel winced, then rubbed his hands over his face to conceal it. “Don’tchu even let that cross your mind, girl,” he chided softly.

She wanted to tell her dad how stressed Dina was. That her friends were on the verge of breaking up, and that was why the girl was worrying about stuff that wouldn’t happen, but somehow she suspected he already knew. He was so gentle with her, just like he was with Ellie.

Sometimes, even though she hated the idea of sharing Joel with anyone, Ellie wished he could help Dina in the same way he helped her. Eugene spent a lot of time with her friend; he taught her things like how to fix a radio and trim a horse’s hooves. He talked to her about her mom too, but that didn’t always seem to be enough. She wished the other girl had someone to explain how things worked to her. Like relationships, and what was and wasn’t normal. 

Mostly because she didn’t know how to help; Ellie didn’t have any of her own experience, so all she could do was listen and try not to say something that would reveal how naive or fucked up she was, even though Dina was aware she didn’t have the most normal thoughts about what dating someone was supposed to be like.

“Why don’t you girls relax and watch a movie?” Joel suggested, clearly trying to steer the conversation back to an appropriate topic. “Tommy lent us that Hunger Games one a while back an’ I know you never got around to watchin’ it.” Because they were all supposed to see it together, before Isaac died. “You can get Jesse over here too if you want. It don’t bother me none.”

“No,” Dina answered right away. “Let’s watch it now— just us,” she said, turning to Ellie, who shrugged her acceptance.

“Joel—” she started, but he was already waving her off. “Yeah—yeah— I know. I’m on it.” He was doing that thing where he teased her, pretending to be exasperated when he really wasn’t as he went over to the cupboard to find the bag of dried kernels. 

“Thanks, best dad,” Ellie grinned.

“You’re lucky you’re cute, little lady,” he replied, already heating up the frying pan on the stove.

Chapter Text

It was weird having so many people in the house at the same time and Ellie couldn’t help but notice that despite the small space, the gathering broke into three distinct groups that remained firmly in place for almost the entire evening. The women occupied the kitchen: Robin, Lena, and Renata, the men: Joel, Eric, and Ron took the living room, while all the kids sat around the dining table playing board games.

They hadn’t played D&D since Isaac died; the group had unofficially decreed that particular campaign over, and Jesse hadn’t mentioned anything about starting a new one. Ellie hadn’t wanted to play Catan because playing strategy games reminded her too much of their deceased friend, so they stuck to things with lighter, shorter playthroughs like Snakes & Ladders, Clue, and right now: The Game of Life. 

Jesse had just gotten married and was picking the career track; Dina already had a husband and twin babies: a boy and a girl; and both Ellie and Cat had two little pink icons in their cars, but no kids yet. Ellie was a lawyer, though she started out as a video game designer and upscaled her career after university.

It was kind of a boring game, but none of them were paying all that much attention to it anyways because they were smack dab in between the kitchen and the living room, so they had front row seats to both adult conversations being held on either side of the downstairs.

“Your mom looks so annoyed, Jesse,” Cat said, nodding to the spot where they all stood around the counter.

“She’s not annoyed,” he shrugged, but either he wasn’t paying attention or he was lying on purpose because the smile plastered on Robin’s face was obviously fake. 

The woman was staring at the opposite wall, her eyes glazed and unfocused as Renata went off on one of her tangents. “You know, I always wanted girls and I thought it was a dream come true when they were babies, but then they became teenagers and holy mother of God— Let me tell you. This one’s not so bad,” she gestured to Dina, clearly unconcerned with the fact that they could all hear her. “—And don’t get me wrong, I loved my Talia, but the attitude on that girl; I don’t know where it came from. I swear I couldn’t do anything right; every little thing that went wrong was my fault…”

It sounded bad when she framed it like that, but Ellie knew from talking to her best friend that Renata had basically forced her oldest daughter into prostitution when she was fourteen to keep a roof over their heads; the woman wasn’t explaining the whole story. Robin was already aware, but maybe if she told the truth, Cat’s mom might be less inclined to give her the sympathy she craved. 

“See, for me it’s the opposite,” Lena interjected. “I know exactly where Cat’s attitude comes from and it is all my fault; it’s payback for the hell I put my parents through growing up. I had her at fifteen,” she added. “— and Ron practically raised me after that. He’s been taking care of us both for so long it’s almost like she’s his kid and I’m her older sister. She tells me everything, and that part is nice, but it also means she doesn’t listen to a word I say—”

Neither girl looked overly perturbed by what their moms were talking about, like they’d heard it all before; it made Ellie wonder if this was the difference between having a younger parent or an older one. 

Renata was thirty-six, and Lena had to be thirty or thirty-one if she’d had Cat at fifteen, but she looked even younger. Her arms were decorated with two full sleeves of tattoos, colorful flowers on the left arm, and a large tiger piece on the right, which she said was specific to the year she was born in Chinese culture. Her hair was cut shorter than her daughter’s, above her ears, but just like Cat, it was the same smooth raven black.

Robin’s long skirt and sensible bun were out of place in comparison. Ellie didn’t know how old Jesse’s mom was, but she had to be in her late forties or early fifties: closer to Joel’s age. She seemed to prefer the company of more mature women like Maria, Sue, and Esther, but like her son, she was extremely tolerant and patient with her younger counterparts. 

Ellie was drawn out of her thoughts by Cat, who nudged the spinner toward her. “Your turn,” the girl said.

She spun a six, driving her little green car around the loop to a spot with a corresponding card that read, Your pet goat wins a ribbon! Tell everyone its name. Collect 120k from the bank.

She squinted at the instructions. “When did I get a pet goat?” 

“It’s because the game knows you’re gay,” Cat informed her. “Lesbians can’t have kids so they have to get a bunch of pets instead, to get their motherly instincts out.”

“You’re such a liar,” Ellie laughed and pushed her shoulder, caught off guard by the odd statement, but Cat just smiled sagely. “Am not. I knew these two women back in Reno that took in like sixteen stray dogs; they built a fence out of chicken wire in the middle of the road and threatened to set the pit bulls on anyone who had a problem with it.” 

“That still doesn’t mean that all lesbians like pets,” she argued— But come to think of it, while she didn’t have a lot of experience with dogs or cats, Ellie did have Shimmer; she loved horses, and she liked going down to the farm to see the pigs, cows and sheep. 

Once Esther even let her feed the pigs all the leftovers from the farm’s breakfast, though it was kind of weird because there were leftover pork sausages in the slop, which if she thought about it was like the pig version of cannibalism, and that reminded her of David. Joel said she was worrying too much about nothing, that the pigs didn’t even know they were eating their own brothers and sisters, but Ellie still thought it was fucked up. 

She swiveled around to ask Dina her opinion on the whole lesbian- pet dilemma only to realize that her best friend and Jesse had abandoned the game without them noticing. The pair was now over in the corner by the stairs bickering back and forth in low, hushed voices. “Well I feel like you don’t even want me around—” the girl hissed, in response to something her boyfriend had said. 

Ellie couldn’t hear everything, but she could tell from his body language that Jesse was refuting the claim; still, Dina looked like she was on the verge of tears. Even Robin’s attention had shifted from the group conversation, to the arguing couple, her lips turned down with concern.

“Do you think they’re gonna break up?” Cat asked, and Ellie frowned. “I don’t know.” 

No matter what she knew or thought she knew about the situation, she wasn’t going to share her best friend’s private relationship problems with Cat. Dina kept Ellie’s secrets under lock and key, and they were some pretty big secrets. As far as she knew, the girl hadn’t told anyone else about Colorado, or the fact that Joel wasn’t really her dad, and she was determined to show her friend the same courtesy.

“Kit Kat—” Ron called from the living room. “C’mere for a sec.” He waved his niece over, and Ellie was glad for the distraction. It was awkward to sit there while Dina and Jesse were fighting.

Cat rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she huffed, getting up to go sit cross-legged on the floor in front of her uncle. “I wasn’t even doing anything bad,” the girl complained.

“Was I giving you shit? I don’t think so—” Ron answered the question himself. 

Ellie followed her friend, but instead of plopping herself down on the cushion next to her dad, she leaned over the back of the couch and hung upside down beside him instead. “What’re you doin’, silly girl?” he asked, probing her belly. She squealed and thrashed at the sudden contact, trying to right herself without falling over. 

When she finally found her balance and kicked her feet into Joel’s lap, Eric was smiling at them. She was still shy about the fact that he knew all the disgusting, horrible things from Dr. Anderson’s stupid medical file, but at least he didn’t bring it up, and if he was thinking about it, he had a good poker face. 

“Honey, show Eric the bump on the back of your foot,” Ron prompted his niece. “She’s had it for a few days now,” he informed the doctor. “It’s probably nothing, but I don’t like to take any chances.”

“There’s no harm in having a look,” Eric reassured, and her friend peeled the sock off her right foot and hobbled over to show Jesse’s dad. He hummed and hawed over the wound on her heel for a few seconds then asked, “You must’ve had some pretty bad blisters there, am I right?”

Cat nodded. “I always forget to wear socks in my shoes,” she said, and the doctor made a noise of agreement. “That’s a little abscess. It won’t hurt you, but it does need to be lanced and drained so it doesn’t get worse— If either you or Lena want to bring her by the clinic tomorrow we can get that done,” he aimed the last part at Ron. 

“I’m sure we can find time—” the man started, but he was interrupted by a loud, frustrated growl from over by the dining table.

“I can’t even talk to you anymore!” Dina snapped, holding her hands up in surrender. “I’m so fucking done.” The girl broke away from her boyfriend, shoving him back as she hurried past him and up the stairs.

“I’m gonna go check on her,” Ellie told Joel, rolling off the couch to scurry after her friend. 

She found Dina camped out in her room in the dark, buried under her covers and using her purple comforter to muffle the sound of her sobs.

“Hey— Shh— It’s ok,” Ellie soothed as she crouched down next to her friend, sliding a hand over the other girl’s shaking form.

“It’s not fucking ok Ellie—” she wept, “If he needs space, he can fucking have it. He can have all the space he wants because I’m done trying to make him care about me when he doesn’t—” 

There was a tentative knock at the door; both girls knew who it was without having to look. 

“Go away, Cat!” her best friend snarled, and she felt a twinge of guilt, watching the shadow of the other girl’s face as it fell. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright,” she defended. 

“I’m fine,” Dina said brusquely.

Abandoning the bed, Ellie met Cat in the doorway and dropped her tone into a gentle whisper. “She doesn’t mean it; she’s just mad. I’ll come find you after, ok?”

The girl chewed on her lip and shrugged, looking down at her feet. “Yeah, ok.” 

“That wasn’t very nice,” Ellie scolded when Cat left. “— And Jesse obviously cares about you. He’s only being like this because he’s afraid you’ll get hurt.” 

She knew it wasn’t the same; she wasn’t dating Joel, he was her dad— But he did lots of things that annoyed her because he cared and because he didn’t always know how else to show it. Ellie figured that had to be applicable to any type of relationship.

“You don’t understand,” Dina accused. “If he doesn’t want to have sex that’s fine. We’ll wait. Whatever. It’s just that he’s changed so much lately. He used to light up when I came around, and he would talk to me about everything. Ever since Isaac died, it’s different. He’s so distant; he wants to be alone all the time, or out on patrol. He doesn’t want to talk.”

Ellie was ashamed to admit that she hadn’t noticed a lot of these changes in her friends’ relationship until Dina started pointing them out. “Maybe he doesn’t know how to talk about it,” she offered. “— but I know he loves you.”

“Yeah well I just don’t think love’s enough right now,” her friend sighed. 

Renata came upstairs a little while later to take Dina home. “Oh honey—” the woman cooed. “I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard; this is what happened with my first boyfriend too, except all he wanted to do was have sex with me. He didn’t even care if I was sober—” she rambled, but her friend, who was used to her mother’s odd way of comforting her, leaned into the woman’s side for support.

Dina hugged her before she left, staying in the embrace for longer than normal. “Thanks for being such a good friend,” she said, wiping her eyes. “— And tell Cat I’m sorry for snapping at her.”

“I will,” she nodded.

“I’ll make you some tea when we get home, with chamomile and fresh mint from the garden,” Renata consoled as they went back downstairs, but by the time Ellie followed suit, Dina and her mother had already left.

Eric and Jesse were both gone too, but Robin stayed behind chatting softly with Joel and Ron in the living room; they were drinking coffee, but she was willing to bet it was flavored with a splash of Tommy’s bourbon. 

Her dad glanced back when she appeared behind him, but didn’t make any attempt to join her as she moved out onto the porch to get some fresh air. Maybe he thought she needed space to decompress. In reality, she was just looking for Cat.

It was late now; the moon was full and glowing above them in the cool, cloudless sky. Riley used to say that the full moon fucked with people’s heads. She said there was a full moon on the night her dad got infected. Ellie hoped her dead friend was right. That way, when they woke up in the morning, things would be normal again. Dina and Jesse would make up, and her friend group wouldn’t be fractured beyond the scope of what it already was.

The pungent aroma of weed stung her nostrils and made her eyes water as Ellie exited the house. Off to the side, she could see Lena and Cat passing a joint back and forth, the mother sucking in a long drag of the smoke before handing it back to her daughter who did the same. “Thatta girl. Take deep breaths,” the woman encouraged, and though she knew from Joel that Cat was allowed to smoke, it was still weird to see them do it together.

“Look—” Lena said, pointing in her direction. “Ellie came to see you baby; she still wants to be your friend,” the woman wrapped her arms around the girl’s shoulders and smiled warmly as she approached.

“Of course I still want to be your friend,” she reassured, crossing her arms over her chest to keep out the autumn chill. Ellie was wearing a black sweatshirt, but she had on her purple shorts, goosebumps forming on her bare legs.

When she sat down on the steps, Cat joined her, and Lena snubbed the joint out on the porch railing, winking at them and bending down to kiss the top of her daughter’s hair before she slipped it into a baggie and headed back inside. 

“Dina says she’s sorry,” Ellie informed the girl with a frown.

Cat huffed, resting her chin on her hands. “You don’t have to try and make me feel better. I know she doesn’t like me.”

“It’s not that she doesn’t like you,” she said quickly. “I think she just didn’t like that you were talking to Jesse so much when you first got here, and I know she doesn’t always like the stuff you talk about… The sex stuff,” Ellie clarified. 

This was the closest she was going to get to confronting Cat about her awkward comments and conversations. It wasn’t as hard to say if she framed it as Dina being the one who was uncomfortable. Was that unfair to her best friend?

“Because her and Jesse are having problems?” the girl asked, and Ellie shrugged. “I don’t know. You do talk about it a lot, and sometimes we want to talk about other things.” There, she said we. 

The girl took a deep breath beside her, staring down at her lap. Her legs were also bare, the coy fish tattoo visible for Ellie to trace with her eyes. “Wanna know a secret?” she asked.

Ellie waited for her to continue. 

“I only talk about that stuff so much because I’m jealous. I didn’t get to pick the first time I had sex, so I like hearing what it was like for other people who did,” Cat confided, and that wasn’t what she’d been expecting her friend to say at all. Ellie’s stomach lurched, the blood freezing in her veins, turning to ice as she let the words sink in. 

“Oh,” Ellie said and her hands shook; she rubbed her thighs for warmth.

How was she supposed to respond to that? Did she have to tell the girl about David now? What if she kept quiet and then further down the line, when they were closer, she did want to talk about it? Would Cat wonder why she didn’t say anything sooner? She had so many questions and no answers, so she did the only thing that made sense: Ellie swallowed and said, “I didn’t get to either.”

Cat’s eyes widened. “You were raped too?” There was a breathlessness in her voice, almost like wonder as her friend waited for a response. Ellie was floating, disconnected from her body. Just like with Dina, it was hard to say it out loud, so she just nodded. At least a nod was better than a shrug. 

“But I thought you had sex with your friend Riley,” Cat cross-examined her.

“I lied.” Her teeth were chattering now, the crispness in the air nipping at her extremities; Ellie’s whole body was vibrating. “It was hunters. On the way to Jackson,” she shared.

“Hunters? Like more that one?”

Her friend read between the lines on her reluctance to answer that one. The only person she’d ever admitted it to was Tommy, and she’d relied heavily on his ability to make assumptions. “What about you?” Ellie asked, deflecting the spotlight back onto the other girl. 

Cat hesitated, studying her hands, her brows pinching together like she was thinking hard about something. Maybe she didn’t want to say. 

“It’s ok if you don't want to tell me,” she assuaged. “I won’t be mad.”

“It’s not that,” the girl admitted; she was picking at the skin around her fingernails. “It’s just that if I do tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone else. No one can know,” she stressed. 

“I wouldn’t tell anyone else,” Ellie said firmly, gathering some of her strength back as the focus shifted away from her own story. It wasn’t anyone else’s business. It wasn’t even Ellie’s business, but it seemed like Cat wanted to tell her, even if she was nervous. “I won’t tell Dina or Jesse. Not even Joel if you don’t want me to.”

“No—” Cat interjected, a mild panic settling behind her eyes. “You definitely can’t tell your dad. It has to be a secret from everyone.”

Ellie made a cross-my-heart motion with her hands. “I won’t say anything; I swear.”

Her friend took another deep breath and blew it out long and low before glancing back toward the house to make sure no one else was listening. “It was my Uncle Ron,” she said.  

Chapter Text

“You have to tell someone,” Ellie implored, grabbing hold of the other girl’s hands, finding it hard to shrink the balloon of panic swelling in her throat. This could NOT be happening right now. “We have to tell an adult.” 

Hot, itchy paranoia overwhelmed her senses and she couldn’t stop looking back toward the door, an odd sort of betrayal creeping in underneath all the bluster. She couldn’t stop thinking about the hundreds of times Joel had told her it wasn’t right for old men to look at little girls like that. How he would never even think about doing it— How Tommy would never, and Tommy wasn’t even really her uncle: not like Ron was Cat’s. 

Her dad said it was wrong, yet he was still hanging out with Ron. Being his friend. 

He said those men were sick: fucked up: unforgivable, but he was drinking with one of them inside their own home. Letting him be around Ellie when he could be looking at her. Thinking about seeing her naked, then going home and forcing his own niece to have sex with him.

When she leaned upside down over the couch earlier a little piece of her belly slipped out from under her sweater. Did he see?  

David was right. Dads did look at their daughters like that. Uncles too. They all did, and they had to distract themselves with other women so they wouldn’t act on it; that was what Marlene implied about Joel and Esther. Maybe the Firefly woman was right this whole time, trying to protect her, and Ellie got so caught up in having a dad and a Tommy that she didn’t listen and—

Stop. That’s not true, she self-soothed. It’s because Joel doesn’t know. You have to tell him; he’ll believe you and he’ll make Ron go away. He’ll KILL him just like he killed David, and James, and all those other hunters. 

“No—” Cat flinched, pulling her hands back and curling them into her chest like a wounded animal. “No—No—No— I told you not to tell anyone. You promised—”

“But—” Ellie started. 

Her friend cut her off. “—You don’t even know what happened. It’s not as bad as you think.”

“Not as bad as I think? Cat, you just told me your uncle raped you. The same uncle who’s sitting twenty feet away from us in my fucking living room!” It wasn’t nice to throw that word in her face; Ellie didn’t like when Joel did that to her, but she didn’t understand what there was to know besides that. 

“Keep your voice down,” the girl hissed. 

“No,” she argued back, belligerent in her indignation. “I’m going in there right now to tell Joel, Robin, and your mom so they can all get you away from him—” Ellie tried to stand up, but Cat latched onto her wrist and wouldn’t let go, holding on tight enough to leave a bruise. “You can’t,” she beseeched. “Please— Please don’t tell anyone. I’m begging you.”

“Why not?” she demanded. “He’s hurting you. Don’t you want it to stop?” 

“He’s not hurting me,” the girl shot back, then sucked in a shaky inhale and released her grip on Ellie’s arm. “He did hurt me— once, like ten months ago and he was so sorry Ellie; he promised he’d never do it again and he didn’t lie. He hasn’t done anything to me since. I’m telling you the truth, I swear.”

She crossed her arms over her chest, still standing dangerously close to the door, poised to flee into the house at a moment’s notice. To throw a fit and tell everyone the terrible thing she’d just learned. Ellie didn’t say anything; she just waited for Cat to explain more.

“It was back in Reno,” her friend whispered. “— before the QZ collapsed. Uncle Ron got really drunk one night when my mom was on work duty; she used to man the overnight desk at one of the FEDRA offices, and when he came home I was sleeping in his room. I liked taking naps in there because it had the best mattress. He said he didn’t even realize it was me until morning. That he barely even remembers doing it and he cried so hard when he found out; he apologized for weeks after.” Cat’s bottom lip quivered, her eyes glassy with tears.

Ellie didn’t know what to say. It was hard to imagine getting so drunk she didn’t recognize Joel, Dina, Jesse— Whoever— But she’d also never been drunk before. There were the couple times she got high with Riley, but that just made her laugh at lot. 

She felt sick, cut open and exposed like she was back on the floor of that chalet with all those eyes looking at her. Laughing at her confusion, at her fear; she wanted her dad to somehow sense her panic, to come outside and demand to know what was going on— Stitch her back together. She wanted him to save Cat like he saved her. 

“You should at least tell your mom,” Ellie tried, doing her best to think of some sort of compromise so that the girl might listen. 

“My mom already knows,” her friend said softly. “I told her right after it happened.” 

That was another bombshell in itself. “Your mom knows and she still lets him live with you guys?” she repeated. Ellie’s voice was high-pitched and disbelieving.

Brown eyes widened as she spoke, pupils still dilated from the weed. “Don’t talk so loud,” she pleaded, shushing her and grabbing onto her wrist again, the grip lighter this time. Muffled laughter echoed from inside the house. 

When Ellie didn’t say anything back, Cat sighed and sucked on the insides of her cheeks. “At first she got mad and kicked him out. She threw all his stuff out the window into the road. I’ve never heard anyone fight like that before. Then she took me to a clinic in the zone; they did all sorts of tests, and everything came back fine. I didn’t get pregnant, or get any diseases…” 

“If she kicked him out, then why did she let him come back?”

“She didn’t,” her friend said quickly. “Not really. He lived somewhere else for a couple months; I don’t know where. We only saw him in the street and stuff— But then the QZ started having problems and we couldn’t get rations. Uncle Ron’s basically my mom’s dad. She never had to take care of me by herself before and when the zone collapsed, we couldn’t go out on the road alone. He had to come with us, to help keep us safe.” 

There was a pause. 

“My mom always said she’d kill him and we’d take our chances if he ever did it again,” Cat defended when Ellie failed to fill the silence. “But he hasn’t— It’s been just like old times since we left Reno, and we take precautions. I sleep in my mom’s bed, just in case— And he’s not supposed to have more than one or two drinks. Really, I forgive him,” she exhaled. “It’s just sometimes I still think about it, and that’s why I told you, but please— please don’t tell anyone else.”

Ellie sat back down on the porch, elbows on her knees, still dazed from all the new information. What was she supposed to think? She knew what Joel would say. You either have that kind of sickness inside you or you don’t. People like that don’t change— But her dad was biased. As much as he didn’t like to make her suffering about himself, she knew that a lot of his over-protectiveness came from being forced to watch that terrible thing happen to her. 

He would want her to tell him, and he wouldn’t be ok with Ron staying in Jackson if he knew. Her dad wouldn’t even be ok with Ron staying alive.

“Ellie—” Cat prompted. “Promise me you won’t say anything— please. I don’t want Tommy and Maria to get mad at us for coming here.”

They won’t be mad at YOU, she thought in her head. Probably not even at your mom— But she didn’t say it out loud.

“Ok. I promise,” Ellie conceded, not because it was true, but because she wanted Cat to stop asking her. She needed time alone to think before she decided what to do.

“Can we go back inside now?” Her teeth chattered and the cold was starting to make her ears ache. 

The girl looked close to tears again. “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t’ve told you. I don’t want you to think I’m like… dirty, or gross or…”

Ripped up? Evil? Destroyed? Ellie finished silently. She felt bad for being so quiet, especially when she knew how it felt to tell someone something horrible like that, then to worry that they were picturing it— Turning it over in their head— Thinking about how disgusting she was. It wasn’t something that went away because the person was being nice about it. 

Just the thought of what Cat told her made Ellie want to puke, but the nauseous feeling was aimed at Ron, not his niece. Her friend didn’t do anything wrong, and if she started to blame the girl for not telling more people, then she’d have to blame herself too: for being stupid enough to go with David, or dumb enough to think she could fight him, and that was something Joel said she wasn’t supposed to do.

“I don’t think you’re dirty, or gross or anything like that,” she said earnestly.

“Promise?” Cat asked, looking awfully vulnerable as she stared at Ellie, like she was trying to scan her mind for the truth.

“I promise,” she said, and that one wasn’t a lie.

Going back inside was harder than she’d anticipated. She did NOT want to look at Ron; Ellie didn’t want to see her dad talking to him. Being nice to him when he didn’t KNOW— And even though she’d told Cat she wouldn’t, it took everything she had not to pull Joel aside and spill the beans on everything her friend had just shared with her. 

He would get so mad; he liked Cat and he already felt bad for her. Like he could tell there was something wrong without knowing exactly what it was. It would be the protective kind of mad. Maybe he would attack the other man right in the living room. He would win of course; her dad was way bigger and a lot stronger that Ron.

Instead, she crawled onto the couch next to him, laid on her side, and tried to avoid looking at Cat’s uncle as she nestled into the spot under his armpit. Joel wrapped a heavy arm around her, rubbing the tips of his fingers absentmindedly up and down her sleeve. “Hey there, snuggle bunny,” he greeted. 

Her dad didn’t ever get drunk, but Ellie was getting better at being able to tell when he was tipsy. Calling her cute animal names wasn’t a sure fire sign— He did that whenever he was really happy or if he was relaxed, but that combined with the two thirds empty bottle of bourbon on the table beside him gave her a clue.

She glanced at the other couch to see if Ron was drinking too, but he was still nursing the same mug of coffee as when they went outside. Just like Cat said.

Her friend chose the open seat next to Lena, the woman acting as a barrier between the girl and her uncle. She wasn’t avoiding him earlier in the evening, but now, after they’d talked, she was probably thinking about what he did. Remembering it. Ellie tried not to picture the act itself; Cat wouldn’t want her to, but she couldn’t help it.

Ron laying on top of her friend. Breathing heavy. Making weird sex noises and hissing in her ear just like David did. She wondered if he said anything while he did it, when it was just the two of them, or if Ellie’s attackers only talked that much to make Joel mad.

Ellie buried her face into her dad’s side so she didn’t have to see the man anymore and Joel dipped down to nuzzle her hair with his scratchy beard. 

“Oh, you guys are just too cute,” Robin smiled kindly, reaching over to pat her on the leg. “Looks like it’s almost bed time.” 

Yes. Bed time— Everyone should go away. She didn’t want them here anymore. For the next indefinable stretch of time, Ellie feigned unconsciousness, and when everyone finally decided to leave, she heard Cat ask Joel, “Is Ellie sleeping?”

“Yeah, I reckon she’s conked right out,” he replied, careful not to jostle her as Robin bent down for a polite goodbye kiss on the cheek, and Ron stuck his hand out to shake. “Thanks for the invite, Joel.” 

Don’t touch him. She didn’t want her dad’s hand touching the hand that hurt Cat. Joel wouldn’t want that either and it was her job to protect him since he didn’t know— But of course he couldn’t hear her internal dialogue and she was too much of a chickenshit to say it out loud, so he did it anyways. 

Joel groaned and leaned back, petting her hair for a few quiet moments on the couch before he brought her up to bed. Once there, he tucked a stray piece of auburn out of her eyes, piled the comforter around her still frame, and left her alone in the dark. 

Since she wasn’t really sleeping, Ellie pushed the covers down past her legs and rolled out of bed, turned her light back on, then made her way to the desk under her cork board.

Her journal was in the drawer on the right hand side. She hadn’t written in it since the week Joel made her, and she wasn’t going to write in it tonight. Ellie was looking for something specific, and when she found it, she located a pair of craft scissors from another one of the drawers and went to work cutting out the handwritten words.

Tommy could rape me if he wanted to. I probably wouldn’t even fight him cos I wouldn’t want to hurt him— I love him too much— That’s so fucked up— A good niece wouldn’t think like that— Sarah probably didn’t think like that. 

She tossed the book on her floor and sat down next to it, the little piece of paper in hand. Ellie didn’t know exactly why she’d cut it out— and she also did. Staring at it for a few seconds, she contemplated her next move until her eyes started to sting and she realized that she hadn’t blinked.

“Ellie?” Joel knocked on the open door. “Thought you’d be sleepin’,” he said, letting himself in— When she didn’t reply, he knelt down next to her and glanced at the scrap of paper now balanced on her knee.

“Can I see that?” her dad asked.

She nodded, and when he read the familiar note, his frown deepened. “What’re you doin’ with this, honey?”

Ellie shrugged: looked away. There was nothing she wanted more than for Joel to press her about it. To force her to tell him what was wrong, but he wasn’t asking the right questions. Maybe it was the bourbon making him slow on the uptake. “Didju have a bad dream or somethin’?”

Tears pricked behind her eyes, and she shook her head, her mouth crumbling into a sob that she muffled with the end of her sleeve. She wished it were as simple as that, but this was worse than any nightmare.

Her dad was entering the realm of seriously concerned now as he cupped her face with his hands. “Oh baby girl, what’s got you thinkin’ about this all of a sudden?” he questioned, sounding almost desperate as he wiped the moisture away with his thumbs.

“I don’t know!” Ellie wailed, lunging forward into his chest, her whole body shaking as she soaked the front of his shirt. “I just am.”

“You just are,” he repeated gently, and she sobbed louder. “Ok— Ok— Shh— You ain’t in trouble. How ‘bout you come sleep with me in the big bed tonight? That way, I can keep an eye on you.” 

She sniffled and nodded. 

“We’ll make sure you’re nice and safe,” Joel continued to soothe as he pocketed her note and coaxed her to stand. “We don’t need to be worryin’ about my brother. I’m sure he’s all tucked up in bed next to Maria dreamin’ about camping, or horses. Maybe the canned goods supply list if he’s real lucky—”

Ellie wanted to tell him; she wanted to tell him so bad— But she didn’t want Cat to be mad at her, and she didn’t want to be the reason her friend lost an uncle. If Joel killed him, or if Maria banished him from Jackson, it would be her fault for telling a secret that wasn’t hers to share.

In spite of everything that he’d done, Cat loved Ron, and she didn’t want to see him hurt. What if she blamed herself like Isaac did for his dad’s death? 

So, Ellie kept her mouth shut and pretended it really was Tommy that had her so upset. Pretend— pretend— pretend. That was what she had to do until she could figure out a plan.

Chapter Text

“Fuck you, you fucking stupid piece of shit dowel—” Ellie growled, her hand ricocheting off the concrete slab where she was working. There was a popping sound, then a crack, then splitting pain that radiated up her pinky finger and all the way into her wrist. “Fuck!” she cursed loudly.

“Hey!” Sue’s voice was sharp. “Take a step back! No need for a tantrum,” she scolded, grabbing Ellie’s hand. She yanked it back, cradling the wounded digit to her chest. “I’m fine.”

The woman snorted. “Don’t even try your little song and dance with me girl. That might work with your daddy, but I’m already over it. Now you march on over there and show him what you did. I’m sure he’ll fix you up.”

Ellie didn’t mind Sue off the job site; she was nicer when they saw her at Jackson events, or at Esther’s house, but most days, she would rather work with Maria. 

“I said I was fine.” She planted her feet firmly into the ground, leaning on the concrete foundation for support, but the woman was telling the truth; she wasn’t in the mood to play games. “Joel! Get over here—” she called loud enough that she could be heard over the buzz of the saw. “Your daughter broke her finger!” 

Tattletale. 

The buzzing switched off, and her dad came over to inspect the damage. “What happened?” Joel demanded, his brows etched in concern as he eyed her hand, turning it over to prod the bone. 

He wasn’t mad; that was just his construction site voice. Unlike with Sue, she didn’t bother to pull back as he inspected the damage. If she didn’t let him now, he’d only force her to show him later.

“She punched the concrete,” Sue informed him, and Ellie glowered at the woman in return. “Oh, get over yourself. I watched you do it.”

Joel sighed. “Alright— alright. Go sit over there,” he ordered, directing her with his chin toward the work bench. He stayed behind to talk with Sue for a minute, to make some excuse for her probably, then joined Ellie, pulling a roll of masking tape out of his tool belt. 

“What’s goin’ on, baby girl?” he questioned. “It’s been a week of this sour puss attitude and from the looks of it, things are only gettin’ worse.” 

She scowled and said nothing, trying not to even wince as he straightened her fingers out to set them, taping the broken pinky to her intact ring finger. “C’mon now. You can’t even give your old man a birthday smile?” 

“You sound like Seth,” Ellie’s glare deepened. “—And you told me not to do anything for your birthday.”

“I don’t sound like Seth.” Joel balked, offended by the insinuation. “Honey I’m serious, what’s gotten into you? You don’t wanna see your friends; you don’t wanna leave the house. You don’t wanna go for family dinner; you’ve been sleepin’ in the bed with me every night. Now your breakin’ bones—”

Oh I don’t know. My friend just told me her uncle raped her last year and everyone else is just going around like things are normal. How am I supposed to react? “If you don’t want me sleeping in bed with you then I won’t.”

“Nuh uh— Don’t you go puttin’ words in my mouth.” He took her chin between his fingers. “That ain’t what I said. If sleepin’ in the bed makes you feel better, then thas’ fine by me. I jus’ wanna know what it is that’s got you so upset in the first place.”

“I can’t tell you,” Ellie stressed, losing some of the snottiness. She wasn’t really mad at him, and she wanted to tell him more than anything else in the world, but she promised not to say anything and she was scared of the consequences of breaking that promise.

It was easier if he just guessed. That was why she’d cut out the note about Tommy and let him find her with it. 

Joel’s voice changed from a gentle, probing concern to one of troubled conviction, “There ain’t nothin’ you can’t tell me, and if whatever it is affects you this much, then I reckon I need to know.” 

She squeezed her eyes shut tight and shook her head. 

“Christsakes, little girl—” he cursed, massaging his forehead as he did so, clearly frustrated. It was in that moment that someone caught his attention from across the road. Joel waved them over, and when Ellie turned around, she saw it was Tommy and Ron coming back from the direction of Gate C.

Of course it couldn’t just be her uncle; it had to be him too. It was like they were always together now, ever since Ron started helping Tommy with the repairs to Jackson’s outer perimeter. 

“Hey Ellie girl,” her uncle greeted, touching her shoulder fondly. She returned his smile with a small one of her own, trying not to look directly at Ron. “Long time no see.”

“You got some time to kill?” Joel started. “We should be finishing up here in a couple hours, but Ellie broke her finger; she’s out of commission. Think you could watch her for me? Take her back to your place and I’ll meet you over there for supper?”

“No,” Ellie protested, pulling on his arm. She wasn’t fucking going anywhere with Cat’s pervert uncle; not gonna happen. Not even if Tommy was there too. “I don’t want to, and I don’t need a babysitter.”

The younger Miller frowned. “Ron and I were jus’ on our way to the pub to grab a bite to eat. Heard they’re doin’ an elk stew today— You don’ wanna join us?” he coaxed. “I sure have missed seein’ you, sweetheart.” 

Guilt itched behind her ribs and the uncomfortable feeling was almost strong enough to make her change her mind; she hated the idea of hurting Tommy, and he was right, it had been a long time since she’d hung out with him, but Ellie shook her head again. 

She knew it wasn’t rational. That her uncle wouldn’t allow Ron to touch her right in front of him, but she still felt like he could see her somehow. Like he had x-ray eyes that could look right through her shirt, or inside her jeans— And even if that wasn’t true, knowing that he probably wanted to was enough to leave her belly hollow and her insides prickling with dread.

It was all so confusing: Cat’s insistence that what happened had been an accident. Even if Ron was so drunk he didn’t recognize his niece, he still must’ve known he was inside his house. Inside his bedroom. Who did he think it was? The only two options were Cat or Lena, and both choices were equally fucked up. 

Joel held up his hand to the pair as if to say one minute, before pulling her aside. “Ellie, what’s the issue here?” he whispered. “Tommy upset you somehow?”

“No. I just wanna stay with you,” she whined. “I won’t bother you; I’ll just fucking sit there,” Ellie gestured at the bench.

“I’d rather you get somethin’ in your stomach,” her dad countered, then lowered his voice even more. “If this has something to do with that note you tore outta your journal…” he trailed off. “Honey, those thoughts ain’t gonna fix themselves, and avoidin’ my brother isn’t the solution. Tommy loves you and he ain’t never gonna do anything to hurt you. Maybe spendin’ some quality time together is what you need to get past this.”

He still didn’t fucking get it; she wanted him to get it. This wasn’t about his brother— And although she was beginning to wonder if loving someone and hurting them could happen at the same time, she knew that Tommy’s mind didn’t work like that. Still, she couldn’t say yes. “I don’t want to. Please don’t make me,” Ellie pleaded. 

Joel gave in with a sigh, looking exhausted; he didn’t say anything else to her, but he wasn’t that far away and he was the one who operated the electric saw, so she could hear some of what they were saying. “I don’ know what the problem is— Extra clingy right now— Dinner tonight— Talk to her—” 

This wasn’t fair. Now Ellie was getting blamed for having a bad attitude when it wasn’t her fault. Her mouth formed a tense line of hatred, which she directed at Ron, both for hurting Cat and for ruining her fucking life. 

The man caught the way she was staring at him over Tommy’s shoulder and appeared startled by her sudden animosity, looking behind him like he wasn’t sure who it was directed at. She wished he would confront her about it, but he didn’t.

Joel was grumpy with her after Tommy and Ron left; he grunted for her to stay sitting on the bench, and Ellie did what she was told… for a while— But her dad was ignoring her, it was hard to stay still, and her finger was throbbing, so when he wasn’t looking, she got up and walked away, heading in the direction of home and hoping he wouldn’t notice until she was out of sight.

Her original intention was to go back to their house so she could use the bathroom and change, but then she caught sight of Esther sitting alone out on her porch in the distance and reconsidered. What Ellie needed right now was help making a decision from someone who wasn’t her family, and Esther had already proved herself useful at saying what she really thought, even if she disagreed with Joel. Like when they were talking about Abby and her boyfriend.

Plus, Joel said it was good to visit her, to remind her that there were still people who cared even though Isaac died over a month ago.

The woman looked up from her lap and smiled when Ellie approached; her hands were buried under a plaid blanket scarf. “Hey Ellie, honey—” Esther greeted. “You’re not working with dad today?”

She held up her taped fingers and cringed. “He kicked me out, and Sue yelled at me because I punched the concrete on purpose.”

“Ah,” she nodded, her smile changing into a smirk. “What happened there?”

Ellie shrugged. “I dunno. I was mad I guess. Sometimes I just get mad for no reason.” That wasn’t exactly true. She was angry about everything right now, but the underlying reason was obvious, and all it had taken was for the stupid dowel to snap for her to lose control. 

The woman pulled her other deck chair over so she could sit, then offered her half of the scarf, which she accepted, covering her legs with the thick cotton material.

“Sometimes I get mad for no reason too,” she admitted, but Ellie thought the underlying reason for Esther’s anger was pretty obvious as well. “It’s been nice, having your dad stopping by as much as he has been; I’m told I have you to thank for that.”

“He said that?” Ellie asked, not doing a very good job hiding her surprise.

Esther chuckled. “Mhm, he did— Said you kicked some sense into him.”

She shrugged again, not wanting to take all the credit. “He didn’t do it to be mean; it just upsets him, because of Sarah. It’s his birthday today, but he doesn’t celebrate it because that’s when she died.”

“I didn’t know that,” she commented, and Ellie nodded seriously. It was weird talking about Sarah to someone other than Joel or Tommy. “Can I ask you a question?” It was best to do it quickly, like ripping off a bandaid.

“Sure you can.” Esther waited for her to continue, but she still hesitated. Even though the woman told her it was ok to bring up Isaac, she didn’t want to make her cry, or for Joel to find them and get upset with her again even though she literally said they could talk about it.

“You know how I told you Isaac was acting weird the afternoon before he…?” she trailed off.

“Mhm.” The woman hummed again. “I remember.”

“Well… that meant he was in danger, and I didn’t know, but now that he died, I keep wishing I could’ve guessed, or paid more attention to the things he was saying. You know?”

Esther cleared her throat, her chest sounding tight when she said, “I know, honey. Believe me— but it was so much deeper than that. You couldn’t’ve done anything to change the outcome.” She was careful not to mention the nature of the outcome by name like Ellie had.

“But the problem is now, I just feel like I don’t know how to tell when someone’s in danger… or I guess like… if someone’s dangerous. Does that make sense?”

The woman’s brows knitted together, leaning forward to rest her torso on her hands. “Who do you think might be dangerous?” she pressed, an undertone of concern leaking into her voice.

She skirted around the question, moving with her intuition on this one. “Did Joel tell you about the bad thing that happened to me on the way to Salt Lake City?” Ellie asked, chewing at the ends of her fingernails. Neither of them had explicitly told her Esther knew, but that was the feeling she’d gotten the day they went riding together. 

“He didn’t tell me any details, but I think I understand, more or less,” she admitted. Ellie leaned back in the chair and the scarf slid off her lap to fold over Esther’s legs. She brought her knees up to her chest. “Do you think people like that can change? Like if they can hurt someone, then regret it, and promise to never do it again?”

“Are we talking about sexual assault?” The woman clarified, her tone blunt; she shrunk back a bit and nodded. That was the term Dr. Anderson had used in his medical file. “As in an adult who sexually assaulted a child?” she pushed even further, and Ellie swallowed her apprehension, then nodded again. Esther shook her head. “No honey, someone who’s sick like that won’t ever change.”

There was that word again: sick. She sounded so sure, like there were no ifs, ands or buts about it— It was like Joel gave her a script to follow beforehand, though maybe that just meant her dad was telling her the truth. Maybe he wasn’t as biased as she thought. 

“But what if they love the person they hurt?” she asked, then elaborated. “What if it was someone in their family? Like their uncle?— And what if he didn’t mean to? What if he felt bad after and promised it was a mistake?”

Esther appeared startled now, and Ellie figured that was her fault for making the scenario sound too specific. For making the questions too desperate. Maybe the woman would guess exactly what was going on, and she wouldn’t have to hide it anymore. 

“Ellie, I don’t know where this is all coming from, but I do know that you don’t sexually assault someone you love. Ever— ever— ever— It’s not a mistake, and that person is dangerous—” She came to an abrupt halt, then slowed down, taking a step back and gentling her words. “Have you talked to your dad about this?”

Ellie shrugged. “He’ll just say the same thing as you.”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him—”

“Ellie, get your ass over here—“ An irate voice echoed down the street, interrupting whatever Esther was going to say. Joel made an angry, sweeping motion with his arm. “I can’t turn my back for one goddamn second, can I?” he ranted, approaching at a quicker pace when he realized she wasn’t going to come running.

“I’m not a baby, and I don’t need you to always watch me,” she called back, and her dad combed a tense hand through his hair, coming to a halt in front of Esther’s house. “Right— But not even half an hour ago, all you wanted was to stay right by my side; didn’t even wanna have lunch with Tommy, so which is it?”

Esther had a weird look on her face as she stared between Ellie and Joel, but she didn’t comment other than to say, “I think Ellie was just stretching her legs, but I spotted her walking and called her over. I didn’t mean to keep her this long,” the woman lied smoothly, and a surge of grateful affection fluttered in her gut. 

“Tcht. I don’t buy it. Girl knew she was supposed to stay at the construction site— But thank you for lookin’ after her,” he said, tipping his head in the woman’s direction. Oh, so he can be mad at me but not at her? 

“Actually, if I can trouble you later Joel, or maybe sometime in the morning… Whenever you’re free really… I’m having some issues with a leaky bathtub faucet; I wouldn’t mind the extra set of eyes.”

Ellie tuned them out, leaning into her dad’s side wondering if Esther’s faucet was a ploy to talk to him about what she’d just confided. Holy fuck she hoped so; Joel would definitely guess what was going on if the woman told him the same story Ellie told her. 

It felt like time was ticking. Like if she didn’t tell someone soon, something bad was going to happen, and if Esther was right about Ron still being dangerous, she didn’t want to find out what that was. 

Chapter Text

“Howdy,” Joel greeted, standing on Esther’s porch with his toolkit. She answered the door in her black terry cloth bathrobe, hair pulled up into a bun, two mugs of some sort of black tea: English breakfast or orange pekoe in hand.  

“Come in,” she said sleepily.

It was six in the morning, and he’d elected to come over early because it was the only time he felt comfortable leaving Ellie home alone— when she was too groggy to get up to any mischief— and because his daughter had been particularly… Joel wasn’t sure if unwell was the right word… but she’d needed a lot of extra support this past week.

Maybe he was being too overprotective: fostering her dependence on him, and maybe he shouldn’t’ve given her shit for leaving the construction site yesterday, especially when all she’d done was walk down the street to hang out with Esther, who was, for all intents and purposes a safe adult— But in that moment it felt like Ellie was being difficult. Refusing to go with Tommy and making a fuss to stay with him, only to take off on her own a few minutes later.

Esther handed him one of the mugs of tea, and sat down on a stool around the island in her kitchen.

Joel followed suit, setting his toolbox on the counter. “Been up long?” he asked, and she shook her head. “I figured you’d be here at the crack of dawn,” the woman yawned, “— but the last time I remember looking at the clock was four-thirty.”

“I can come back another time—” Joel offered. “Ellie can’t be on site for a couple weeks. I was plannin’ to stick her with Maria for now, but we can always swing by in the afternoon.” 

“No—no. I can just go back to sleep later. No one expects very much of me right now anyways…” she dismissed, her gaze distant. Esther shook herself out of it. “— But I need to come clean about something… I don’t have a leaky faucet. The truth is, I think I got in a little over my head with Ellie yesterday, and I’d feel better if I talked to you about it.”

Joel sipped his tea and leaned back. “What do you mean in over your head?” he questioned. “Was she buggin’ you?” His daughter didn’t always choose her words carefully, and Esther was in a delicate spot just now. He could see how things had the potential to get carried away if she started in about Isaac, which was why he’d warned her not to go bringin’ the boy up all the time.

“It wasn’t about me at all actually,” the woman frowned. “I think she needed to get something off her chest and I just happened to be there…” 

He frowned. “She talk to you about what’s been goin’ on with her? Girl’s been a mess this week: goin’ back into old habits. I thought maybe it was the cold on its way in, reminding her of the winter, but it feels a little more targeted than that. Like something else is wrong and she don’ wanna tell me.”

Esther pursed her lips into a thin, awkward line, running her fingernails along the edge of her mug. Oh yeah, she definitely knew something. 

“What is it?” Joel pressed. “Look, that little girl and I have been through hell and back together. Whatever it is, you ain’t gonna surprise me, and… we’ll deal with it,” he finished with a sigh. 

The woman cleared her throat. “Ellie spends a lot of time with your brother, am I right?” She paused, then added, “— alone time.”

With his brother? “Sure does,” he nodded slowly, a budding sort of disquiet in his chest. 

This all seemed to trace back to Tommy somehow, and for the life of him, Joel couldn’t figure out the connection. First that little note, then the avoidance of the younger Miller at the construction site. She hadn’t wanted to go to family dinner last night; he’d been in a sour mood too, so they ate at home— But truth be told, his daughter hadn’t wanted to do much of anything lately. Enough that that particular instance didn’t strike him as suspicious. 

His brother was usually sensitive to these sorts of things; if he’d offended her somehow, he was likely to know it before anyone else, and the man hadn’t approached Joel about a fight or misunderstanding. The only thing he knew for certain was that Tommy missed Ellie and wanted to spend more time with her.

Esther looked like she was struggling to form words to express what she needed to say. “I could be misinterpreting this; I don’t know Ellie the way you do, but I can’t think of another way to interpret it…” she said cautiously.

Joel waited for her to continue, figuring it best if he didn’t interrupt.

The woman put down her mug. “I’ll be blunt: Ellie asked me yesterday something along the lines of whether I thought an uncle who’d sexually assaulted his niece could still be a good person. Whether he could be forgiven, and if I thought he was still dangerous even if he felt guilty about it— And Joel, I’m almost a hundred percent certain she was talking about a real person in Jackson.”

The words, Tommy could rape me if he wanted to, flashed through his head. Ellie’s note, her tidy military script burning a hole in his pocket. He’d been carrying it around hoping it would give him some indication as to where her head was at— But no, the idea was ludicrous.

Tommy would never hurt Ellie; Joel trusted him more than he trusted anyone else left on this earth.

There was also the fact that after all these years, he knew what that boy was capable of and what he wasn’t. He remembered vividly an incident from back before Boston, before the Fireflies: his brother’s face splattered with blood and brains, eyes amber with rage after he’d caught a guy, one of their own, Patrick or Peter— something along those lines, getting too friendly with an eleven-year-old girl in a rest stop bathroom just outside Hartford, Connecticut. Son-of-a-bitch locked the mother in one of the stalls and made her listen.

Joel thought about Michelle, the twenty-something nurse gang-raped by that group in Tennessee. How Tommy had convinced him to sneak back into the camp after dark the next night to smuggle her out; said it wasn’t right to leave her trapped. Some heroes they were; the girl got infected a few miles up the road, but it was a valiant effort on his brother’s part.

Boy never frequented the docks back in Boston; never even looked twice at those skinny, bruised little bodies clad in too-big lingerie. The younger Miller liked his women— in the most unpolished of terms, with a take charge attitude and nice tits. He would’ve gotten a kick out of Tess. 

In his youth it was older women, cougars; he had a fucking pool cleaning business right out of high school for Christsakes, and as a man, it had always been the Marlenes of the world, the Marias. Women with the power and means to string him along like a puppy. 

Ellie, as beautiful and as perfect as she was with her doe-eyes, her smattering of freckles and that silly smile— if they were being honest, looked barely a day over fourteen. She wore sweaters so big she could be mistaken for a boy— And was she volatile? — sure, but in a traumatized, vulnerable sort of way that would only attract the lowest of scumbags. All those things considered, she should be off his brother’s radar completely. 

“Tcht. The thing you need to understand about Ellie,” he started to explain, “— is that she’s got some real intense paranoia… ‘specially when it comes to the men closest to her; she concocts scenarios like that all the time…” Joel trailed off, trying to think of examples. 

“What would you do if I magically switched into a woman’s body and tried to have sex with you?…” He gave one of the more outrageous ones. “How about if you lost your eyes, your nose, and your ears and had no way of knowing it was me?”

Then, not wanting Esther to feel like he was making light of the situation, he gentled his tone and set his own mug on the counter. “She worries about my brother too, always has. We talk through it, she calms down, but the fear is always there. It never quite goes away.” 

“— And you don’t think there could be a reason for that?” the woman nudged softly.

Of course there was a reason for it; after what she’d been through, they were lucky to get away with such a focused, limited neurosis. She could’ve created some sort of alter-ego personality disorder to cope, like fucking Sybil; Joel remembered watching that movie with Erin back in the day, or she could’ve developed crippling social anxiety— Started cutting her wrists… anything. He counted himself fortunate that her trauma symptoms were so easily managed. 

Still, something didn’t add up. Why was Ellie stuck on this all of a sudden?— And why was she refusing to talk to him about it? She’d never gone straight to avoidance like this before. Not since the chalet. Since David. What if his brother wasn’t who he thought? They’d been apart for over half a decade before this and people did change— Maybe after all this time the younger Miller had somehow swung the opposite way in his tastes.

He’d told her so many times that Uncle Tommy would never hurt her— would never even think about her like that. What if something did happen and she was afraid he wouldn’t believe her? He’d left them alone together countless times. Let his brother take her out camping, just the two of them. That had been Tommy’s suggestion, not Joel’s. 

“What else did she say?” he asked, wanting to get as much information as possible before jumping to any conclusions.

“That was pretty much it,” Esther winced. “What worried me the most though was how specific her story was; she even mentioned that whoever it was promised never to do it again— And she was talking in past tense, not like she was throwing some what if scenario out there…” 

Joel let out his breath in a stunted exhale. “I can’t ask Ellie if Tommy’s been messin’ with her.” He closed his eyes. “I know that girl. If it ain’t true, she’ll jus’ get more upset— obsess about why I’d even consider it a possibility when I didn’t believe he was capable of that in the first place.” 

“—But you would believe her… if she told you he did something?” the woman questioned, and a warm, defensive heat rose in his chest.

“Course I’d believe her,” Joel snapped. What kind of father would he be if he didn’t? “She’d never lie like that. I just think there’s somethin’ else here we’re missing.” 

“Is talking to your brother an option?” The woman prompted. “Do you think he’d tell you the truth?” 

Would his little brother freely admit to what? Molesting his daughter? Raping her? Fuck. It was too monstrous think about, and just the notion of something so incredibly heinous left him aching with rage. He and Ellie both had taken turns confiding in the younger Miller about Colorado: talking to him about some of the details.

Was Tommy genuine in his response, or was he using his niece’s pain as some sort of sick way to get off? 

He thought of Sarah and the ache worsened. If he could do it to one, why not the other? Tommy would be signing his death warrant if he confirmed Esther’s allegations— But Joel had to do something. He couldn’t just leave things the way they were. 

“I’d better get home, before Ellie wakes up,” he said suddenly, barstool scraping against the woman’s kitchen tile as he stood up. “And look— Thanks for talkin’ it through with me. I’ll figure it out.” Joel wished he sounded sure instead of desperate. “I’ll get it dealt with.” 

One way or another he’d get this fucking dealt with. 

Chapter Text

Ellie awoke to the weight of a large, heavy Joel-arm draped across her belly, his nose nestled into her shoulder, chapped lips parted as he let out soft exhales against her hair. She preened and snuggled closer, drawn to the unconscious affection like a magnet. When she got bored of watching him sleep, she started playing with his beard, pulling on the wiry grey-black hairs, then she switched to poking her fingers into his closed eyes.

Her dad grunted and brushed her away, but she wanted him to wake up now, so she sat up and cupped her hand over his ear to form a tunnel, inhaling deeply before blowing a gust of air right into his brain.

Joel startled awake, “For fuck’s sake Ellie— You tryin’ to pop my goddamn ear drum?” but the anger died on his lips, turning into a chuckle as he caught sight of her mischievous grin. “You’re a little monster. You know that, right?” 

“Hi,” she giggled, rubbing the crusties out of her eyes and stretching her arms up over her head. “Sorry for sleeping in your bed again,” Ellie added, because she knew it worried him.

Joel snorted. “S’alright, kiddo. You stay until you’re ready, just like before.” He was always so sure of himself.

Already she could tell there was something off about him. He was being too nice, especially after he got mad at her yesterday; maybe he realized he’d been an asshole and felt bad about it. Since he didn’t like apologizing, this could be his way of saying sorry.

“Can we change my finger tape? It’s so dirty.” She showed him the fraying, blackened edges.

“Alright now, jus’ hold on a second,” he instructed, smoothing her hair back before he left, and returning with more of the masking tape from somewhere downstairs.

Then, with gentle fingers, he peeled the sticky pieces off and, examining the bruised digit with a frown. “Oh yeah, you did a number on this one, girl. Thas’ gonna be a few weeks to heal.” 

“So I can’t go back to the construction site?”

“No honey, not till this is good and set.” Her dad held her hand still as he re-did the tape in silence. “Was thinkin’ maybe you’d like to tag along with Maria. Maybe shuffle back and forth between her and Tommy for a few weeks dependin’ on what they’re doin’. What do you think about that?”

Ellie shrugged; following Maria would mean doing a lot of counting and lots of checking on what everyone else was up to. Maybe a trip to the dam if she was really lucky, but Joel might not let her go up there with a broken finger.

“Would it be just me and Tommy?” she questioned, and that seemed to spark her dad’s interest.

“Is that a problem?” he frowned; he probably still thought she was avoiding his brother from that stupid note she showed him on the night of the party. Ellie couldn’t very well tell him that no— hanging out with her own uncle wasn’t the problem, it was the idea of spending the day with Cat’s rapist uncle that scared her. 

“Did you fix Esther’s faucet yet?” she asked, changing the subject; she wanted to know if they’d talked. No way the woman wasn’t going to share all those ‘concerning questions’ with her dad, not after the whole Ellie is immune debacle from before Isaac died. If there was one thing she could count on, it was that Esther would totally snitch. 

“I did. Was there and back this mornin’ before you ever left your little dreamland.” 

Definitely being too nice. Why? He wasn’t even asking her about Ron. Did that mean Esther really did need help with her bathtub? Or that he’d still managed to leave with the wrong impression despite everything she’d told the woman?— Or worse, was the leaky faucet a ploy of a different nature? Did he go over there just to have sex with her?

Ugh. That would explain his sugar sweet attitude. Fucking awesome. Not only was Cat’s uncle a pervert, but so was her DAD. Ellie didn’t even want to think about it. 

When all she did was squirm, Joel’s demeanor changed from playful to serious. “Ellie, I need you to listen real carefully to what I’m about to say, alright?”

She nodded, a tentative hopefulness clearing some of the weight from her chest. Maybe he did know after all. 

“You’re always gonna be the most important person in my life— my best girl, you know that, right?”

She nodded again, more cautious this time. Where was this going? Was he trying to tell her something about him and Esther…? Fuck, she could not handle that right now.

Oh, by the way Ellie, I know you’re worried about a million other things, but on top of all that I’m getting married, Esther’s moving in with us and you have to let her be your mom now… OR I accidentally got her pregnant and now you have to share me with a baby that I’ll love more than you… 

“— And you know you can tell me anything?” he continued. “Anything in the whole world, about anyone, and I’ll believe you? No matter what it is, no matter who it is, I’m always gonna be on your side.” 

What?

The whiplash left her head spinning. She wanted to grab his ears and shake him, to demand he explain what the fuck he was even talking about. Was this about Esther?— Or was it about Ron? Ellie wasn’t worried her dad wouldn’t believe her about Cat’s uncle; she was worried what he’d do when he found out. 

“Oh… ok,” she trailed off, because she didn’t understand this conversation.

Joel squinted at her, his face caught in a permanent wince as he kept talking. “So, knowin’ that, is there anything you wanna tell me about what’s been goin’ on with you lately?” he prompted again, and she wanted to scream, yes, yes, OBVIOUSLY FUCKING YES! Why can’t you just read my mind? 

He was confusing her so much it made her want to cry: to confess— to set the record straight. Tell him everything, and let him help shoulder the burden. He could fix this. Make sure Ron had to leave Jackson so Cat could be safe. Maybe Ron could leave and Tommy and Joel could follow him and kill him before he got far enough to find another little girl to hurt. Her friend wouldn’t even have to know— But Ellie couldn’t do it. Not without talking to Cat first. 

She had to talk to the girl again before she told him anything; she had to convince her that telling Joel was their best option, no matter what the consequences.

Whatever answer her dad wanted, she didn’t give it to him. Instead, she pressed her lips together and shook her head stubbornly.

“Ok.” He closed his eyes and massaged his forehead. “Ok, Ellie.” His resignation stung even worse because she already knew she was making the wrong choice. She should be smarter than this by now. Hadn’t she learned her lesson from Isaac?

If this was Dina or Jesse it would be easier. She made a pact with both of them at their friend’s funeral. If they were in danger, she had to tell someone, even if it would make them mad— But they made that pact before they met Cat; she didn’t agree to it, and wasn’t it like Joel said back when they were in the Firefly hospital? Didn’t the girl already have enough of her decisions taken away? Shouldn’t she be allowed to be part of this one?

One thing that Ellie knew for sure was that she couldn’t hold onto this secret for much longer. If she couldn’t convince Cat today, then she would come home and tell Joel the truth tonight, no matter what.

“Can I hang out with my friends?” she asked. “—Instead of going with Tommy or Maria? I promise not to leave Jackson or do anything to hurt my finger worse.”

Joel exhaled and rolled his shoulders, like he was trying to clear away some of his tension. “Which friends? And where?”

“Cat probably— And I don’t know, wherever I find her.” The girl didn’t exactly have a job yet. She didn’t like listening to instructions, so it was hard to place her; she wasn’t suited for a lot of Jackson’s busy work.

“Alright,” her dad allowed, “— but you come check in with me around noon, sound fair? I’ve got somethin’ I’d like to talk to your Uncle Tommy about, so I’m gonna be over there this mornin’, but I should be back on site around lunchtime.”

“Ok.”

“—And I better not ever catch you smokin’ that stuff,” he warned. “I don’t care what she’s doing. Don’t mean you need to be doin’ it too.”

“I won’t,” Ellie promised. 

As it turned out, Cat wasn’t the first friend that she ran into when she left the house that morning. Dina, who was on her way to the radio tower with Eugene, tapped him on the shoulder and said something, before ditching him to join Ellie by the picnic tables in the centre of town.

“Hey—” she said, kicking rocks with her feet as she approached.

“Hey.”

“So, where’ve you been?” The girl asked, and if she wasn’t mistaken, the question had a bit of an edge to it, like she was pissed off about something.

Ellie shrugged. “Nowhere really— just at home and at the construction site.” She held up her injured hand. “—But I’m not allowed back right now.”

“Oh. What are you gonna do today then?” she asked, and now the elephant between them was on full display. Dina wanted to hang out; Ellie could tell. She shifted uncomfortably and stared down at her feet. “I was looking for Cat. I have to talk to her.”

“Is she your new best friend or something?” There it is— the reason for the awkward tension between them.

“No,” Ellie huffed. “I’m sorry, she’s just going through a really hard time right now, and—”

“She’s going through a hard time right now?” Dina cut her off, tone sharp. “Ellie, I’m going through a hard time right now, and I thought I’d at least have my best friend to talk to about it— but no. Ever since that party at your house you’ve been completely ignoring me. I have no one to talk to except my stupid mom and Eugene, and I can’t even talk to Jesse because we’re not speaking at all and he’s going out on patrol with Astrid all the time now and I think they’re flirting—”

Her best friend stopped talking abruptly. “What does Cat have going on that’s more important than that?” she challenged. 

Ellie wasn’t sure if it was the need to assuage Dina’s anger, the fact that she’d reached her limit for secret keeping, or her confusing, unhelpful conversation with Joel this morning. Maybe her best friend felt like a safer person to tell because she wouldn’t go out and physically kill Ron herself, and oh boy would she be mad if Cat did this to her, but when Dina demanded an answer, she just broke. Fucking snapped in half: all her carefully woven threads coming apart at the same time. 

She told her best friend everything. Cat’s confession at the party. The way the girl had defended her uncle and pleaded that Ellie keep it to herself. What she’d said to Esther yesterday, and the fact that she was trying to give Joel hints but he wasn’t picking up on them. It all lapsed out of her in what felt like one big breath.

By the time she was done, Dina was left wide-eyed and speechless, her anger deflated. “Oh my God, Ellie; that’s so fucked up— So beyond fucked up.” She wrung her hands. 

“I know,” Ellie stressed, “—but what I don’t know is what to do about it.”

“You have to tell someone,” the girl answered automatically, like it was obvious. Because it was obvious. That was exactly what she’d said when Cat first told her.

“Someone who’s not me,” she clarified. “You need to tell Tommy or Maria. This isn’t just a personal issue or a family matter, it’s like, a violation of Jackson laws, or codes of conduct or something; it has to be. It doesn’t matter if Cat’s forgiven him or not, he can’t stay here.”

“I was gonna tell Joel tonight,” Ellie defended. “I just wanted to talk to Cat one more time— Like warn her before I go blabbing it around to my whole family and fuck up her entire life.” 

“I’m not letting you go to her house.” Dina crossed her arms over her chest. “No fucking way. What if he’s there?”

“Why would he be there?” she argued back. “He works on the security team in the mornings— And Cat’s probably not home either; she walks around during the day, and she likes to smoke behind the church.”

“No, Cat’s at home,” her friend contradicted. “She was supposed to come out with me and Eugene today; he wanted to do his mentoring thing with her, so he asked me if it was ok if she tagged along, but Ron stopped by his place around six and said she was sick. That she was staying home for the day.”

“Sick?” Ellie questioned, concern building in her chest. “Maybe we should check on her.” She glanced in the direction they would need to take to get to the house: the same path that lead to Jesse’s place.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Dina threatened. “How about we go find Tommy and Joel and they can help us check on her?”

“We can just talk to her from the door, make sure she’s ok. If she doesn’t answer, then we can go get Tommy and Joel,” she bargained. “Ron doesn’t know that I know what he did. He won’t be suspicious of us visiting Cat when she’s sick.”

“How do you know that—?” her best friend started, but Ellie was already heading down the road.

“Oh my God, you’re so fucking stupid,” Dina lamented, but followed her anyways. “If we get killed, it’s you’re fault.”

Cat answered the door when they knocked, but right away it was obvious that something was very wrong. Their friend was wearing a cropped tank top and a skimpy pair of spandex shorts. Her face was gaunt and pale, a shiny black bruise forming underneath one eye. There were patterned, fingerprint bruises along the girl’s exposed hip, and around her wrist.

When she saw who it was, her eyes grew wide with fear. “You can’t be here,” she said. “He’ll get mad.” 

“Who’ll get mad?” Dina pushed, lowering her voice into an urgent whisper. “Your uncle? Cat we just want to help you—”

“You told her?” The other girl gaped at Ellie, and she didn’t have time to apologize before Cat was talking again. “You have to leave now. He’ll be back soon.”

“Come with us. It’s three against one; we can make it if we’re quick.” Ellie tried to grab onto her friend’s hand, but she jerked back further into the house.

“I can’t—” she hissed. “He gave my mom something last night; she’s been sleeping forever. He says he’ll kill her if I leave.” A few stray tears slid down the girl’s cheeks; she sniffled and let them fall onto her shirt. “Please go away. I don’t want him to hurt you too.”

“Ellie—” Dina nudged. “We should go get help.”

Cat let out a frightened mewl, her eyes transfixed on something over their shoulders as the floorboards creaked behind them. Ellie’s heart thudded in her chest; she didn’t need to turn around to know what— or who, it was.

“Hi Ellie, sweetheart— Hi Dina—” Ron greeted softly, coming up the porch steps at a leisurely pace, one hand stretched out in welcome, the other gripping the magazine of a Remington pistol that was tucked into a holster and strapped to his jeans. “Kit Kat— What did I say about opening the door?” 

Joel waited until he saw Maria leave the Miller household before he approached; this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have at all, let alone with his brother’s wife present. There was no security team on Tuesdays, and Tommy wasn’t scheduled for patrol, so he took a wild guess that the younger Miller would be at home doing paperwork or sorting through books.

As he got closer, he thought of Ellie. She was so cute this morning: her sweet laugh. That little stretch she did that reminded him of a very contented house cat waiting for a belly rub. The crease that formed between her eyes when she’d asked, “Would it be just me and Tommy?” in reference to her daily activities— The way she’d skirted around his question when he tried to push the subject.

He didn’t knock, just let himself into the house, and as expected, his brother was set up on one end of the large dining table, papers strewn everywhere, a plate of half eaten toast beside him.

The big breakfasts were for Ellie.

“Mornin’ Joel,” he hummed, crossing something off on one of the lists in front of him before looking up. “Where’s my favorite niece?” 

Then, as if to answer his own question, he sighed. “She still don’t wanna see me, huh?”

In that moment, in seeing Tommy’s honest disappointment, Joel lost all his doubt. He didn’t see someone capable of hurting the little girl they both loved so much; he didn’t see a monster. All he saw was a devoted uncle, twice over— Movie nights on the couch. His brother introducing Ellie to popped- corn, as she squealed with delight over the first three seasons of Friends. 

His ice-cream dates with Sarah every Wednesday after school; flipping pancakes and playing cards with Ellie; their ridiculous pun battles and the endless teasing; the way he used to crawl across the floor with a diaper on his head chasing that blonde-haired toddler around the house. 

His daughter’s eyes alight with pride and excitement when she’d returned from that camping trip to tell him all about being a boy scout, singing campfire songs, and roasting marshmallows with her uncle. The soft, heart-melting way she’d whispered, “I love Tommy,” on the porch the night before her birthday. 

When would his brother have had time to put hands on that sweet baby in between all those beautiful memories? He would’t’ve; he couldn’t’ve. Joel would’ve noticed— And it sure as hell didn’t happen last week when all of this avoidance started.  

There had to be another explanation. 

Joel cleared his throat and sat down. “Mornin’,” he grunted back, unsure how to approach this.

Intuitive, as always, Tommy set his papers down and frowned. “Let me have it. What’s wrong?” the boy prompted, making a come here motion with his hand. “Is it Ellie?”

“Yeah— it’s Ellie,” he admitted, then very carefully, he started to explain…

“Now hold on just a second—” His brother’s shoulders stiffened, on the defensive now as Joel came round to his visit with Esther this morning. “Ellie told Esther that I sexually assaulted her?” Tommy looked equal parts bewildered and nauseated.

He held up a hand to stop him from continuing. “That ain’t what she said. She told Esther a story about an uncle who’d sexually assaulted his niece and was real sorry about it after. Promised never to do it again. Esther said it sounded like she was talkin’ about a real person and that it was something that’d happened recently.”

“— And you think she was talkin’ about me?” he accused, sucking on the insides of his cheeks. Tommy seemed to mull it over, then relaxed his jaw a bit and answered his own question again, “No. You don’t believe it. If you did, we wouldn’t be sittin’ here bullshitting about it because I’d be very dead right now.”

“No,” Joel admitted. “I don’t believe it, but there are things I can’t explain and I need you to help me put the pieces together.”

The younger Miller carded his fingers through his hair and squeezed his eyes shut, before opening them again and asking, “What does Ellie say?” 

“That’s the problem,” he confessed. “Ellie don’t say anything. She clams right up anytime I try and talk to her about it. I don’t know if she even realizes she’s implicating you here; I don’ think she’d be this secretive if she did, but I didn’t wanna put those ideas about you in her head by asking— I don’t want her worryin’ about that anymore than she already does.”

Tommy rubbed his beard. “More than she already does?” 

Joel reached into his jeans, searching for the torn scrap of paper in his pocket. “She’d kill me for showin’ this to you, but you already know she has— dark thoughts— about me hurtin’ her. The thing is…those thoughts ain’t always just about me.”

He offered the note for his brother to read. “She gave that to me last week, then cried herself to sleep in my bed for the first time since Isaac died.” 

“Ellie wrote this last week?” Tommy sounded stunned, almost breathless. His hand was shaking as he set the offending paper down on the table.

Joel gentled his voice, something he wasn’t accustomed to doing for the younger man. “She wrote it months ago, in her journal. We talked about it then and put it to rest, but after I had all those parents and her friends over last week, she went upstairs and cut this part out. I found her sittin’ up with it after I thought she’d gone to bed. That’s when the waterworks started.”

When Tommy didn’t say anything, he continued. “If you combine that with what she told Esther, with the fact that she’s been avoiding you, and she won’t tell me what the hell is wrong— You see why I had to go there baby brother?” Joel begged his understanding, but the younger Miller wasn’t listening. He had a thoughtful, pensive look on his face. “What if it ain’t me she’s avoidin’?” he asked.

“How so?”

“Well, who was over at your house the other night?” Tommy rushed him along with an impatient hand. “Ah— It woulda been Robin, Eric, Ron, Lena—” He didn’t know if the man wanted him to name all the kids too. 

“Right, and what was Ellie doin’ just before the party ended?” he questioned again.

“She was outside talkin’ to Cat. I remember cos I kept wonderin’ why they hadn’t come in yet. It was chilly out.” 

“Ok.” His brother was becoming more animated by the second. “—And who was I with when Ellie refused to go to lunch yesterday?”

Joel thought about it, then cross- referenced that information with everything else that happened this week: all his daughter’s anxiety. All her fretting about uncles and nieces. Cat’s odd behaviour since arriving in Jackson, so similar yet so different to Ellie’s own, and in the end, he came to the same conclusion as Tommy. Oh, for fuck’s sake— of course. 

Before either of them had the chance to say their thoughts out loud, the door to his brother’s house burst open, and in tumbled a panting, gasping, sweating Dina; the girl collapsed forward, hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath and talk at the same time.

“Thank God you’re here— I didn’t know where you were— Joel you have to come—” she pleaded. “Ron has a gun and he’s keeping Cat and her mom locked inside their house— Me and Ellie went to find her, but Ron came home— I ran away to get help, but Ellie wouldn’t leave Cat— They’re both still in the house with him—” 

Chapter Text

Ellie’s head was throbbing, a goose egg beginning to form in the spot where Ron slammed her face against the siding on the porch. He wouldn’t’ve had to do that if she didn’t aim to drive his balls up inside his belly with her knee first. 

Cat wasn’t fighting back. Ron had complete control over her and he didn’t hesitate to use it. To play with her head— With just the whisper of her mother’s name, she would do whatever he asked, even if that was zip-tying Ellie’s hands behind her back so tightly that the pain from her broken finger was almost non-existent. 

The man must’ve known that she wouldn’t try to kick the shit out of his niece. 

“It didn’t have to be like this, Kit Kat—” he lamented, brushing his thumb over her cheek.

Cat was standing only a few inches away from him on the brown, circular rug in the living room. “I thought we were past this; I thought you knew that what happened last year was a mistake.”

A ‘mistake’ he’d obviously made again, judging by the marks all over her friend’s body: the spots where he’d held her down.

Ellie was too fucking pissed off to be scared. David and his gang of cannibals: they were scary. Danny, who tried to rape her dead corpse on the floor of a gas station: he was scary— But this guy? Fuck. If only she could get her hands free Ellie could deal with this guy. 

“I’m sorry— I’m sorry— I know!” Cat wailed, knees trembling as he moved even closer. 

“See, you say that honey,” he continued, then gestured to the spot on the couch where Ellie was tied up, “— but you still told your little friend. Why? Did you want Ellie to tell big bad Joel? Did you want her to report me to Uncle Tommy and Auntie Maria? Were you trying to get me castrated? Kicked out of Jackson?” His gentle tone soured the further he moved into accusation.

“N—no— I told you, we were just talking!” The girl’s bottom lip quivered. She sucked the snot back into her nose and avoided Ellie’s eyes. “It just came out—  I’m sorry!”

“My dad’s gonna fucking kill you,” Ellie glared, because she needed to distract him from Cat. It made her stomach clench to see her friend so helpless. To feel like there was nothing she could do to stop him from hurting her. Is this how Joel felt in the chalet? 

“It’s like I said when we had our fun last night, Kitty—” Ron explained, leaving his niece alone on the rug. “Even Ellie agrees. I’ve got nothing left to lose, so why fight it? They’re gonna take you and your mom away from me now. Might as well just do whatever I want until that happens—” 

When we had our fun last night; the words bounced off the walls in her head, dizzying her, making her belly ache with nausea. 

He stepped into Ellie’s space and tucked a strand of auburn behind her ear. “What about you sweetheart? You love your Uncle Tommy?” the man questioned. “You wanna make him feel good? I can show you how…” His thumb teased a circle around her parted lips. 

I’m not scared of you. 

“Do it,” she dared, the thinly veiled threat sparking a wildfire beneath her skin. 

Go ahead. Put whatever you want in my mouth; I’ll fucking bite it off.

“The first time some bitch-ass pedophile touched me my dad hacked his arms and legs off with a machete— The last time, I peeled his face off with my knife. So, do it— Or are you too much of a fucking pussy?” she spat.

Cat squeaked as Ron grabbed a fistful of Ellie’s hair and yanked her head back. Something twisted, and a sharp pain tore through her neck, but she kept her brave face on; she didn’t flinch. Taunting him like this might make him even more mad, but at least it would buy them time for Dina to find Joel and get help. 

“The things I could do to this tight little body of yours—” he hissed in her ear, eyes roving over the front of her space shirt. Ellie was conscious of the fact that because her arms were pinned behind her back, her chest stuck out more than it normally would. “Things that wouldn’t even occur to most men.” 

She squeezed her eyes shut and ignored him. He’s desperate; he’s just trying to scare you, but he CAN’T— He WON’T— He doesn’t have time. Joel’s coming soon. The man could say whatever he wanted, but at the end of the day, she wasn’t in danger of getting raped again. Not here. Not now. 

Ron was a pervert; he was sick and fucking crazy, but he wasn’t stupid— or even delusional. He knew that the only way to get out of Jackson alive would be to use Ellie’s presence to his advantage— But if he touched her… If he did to her what he’d done to Cat, neither Joel nor Tommy would let him leave with his head still attached to his body. 

She wondered if all of this would be enough to make Maria loosen her stance on vigilante justice. Not that her dad would give a shit one way or another. 

“Uncle Ron, stop—” Cat pleaded, but she wanted to tell the girl to save her strength. She wanted to tell her, Take advantage of the fact that you still have your arms free. Go for his pistol. If we get the weapon, he won’t be able to control us anymore. She didn’t know how comfortable Cat was with a gun— if she would know what to do with it once she had it, but it was worth a try.

In the chalet, with the hunters, Joel had managed to get out of his handcuffs. How?

Ron abandoned them for a minute to peer out the window, and while he was gone, Ellie slipped her body through the triangle of her arms so that her hands were now in front of her instead of behind. 

Then, even though her wrists were already pinched and sore from the pressure of the zip-tie, she bit the fastener and yanked it even tighter with her teeth. Like a ponytail stretched too thin, the tighter something like this was, the easier it would be to snap.

Cat shot her a fearful appeal and shook her head when she realized what Ellie was doing. That she was preparing for a fight. She shrugged the girl off and mouthed, “The gun. Grab the gun.” Her friend shook her head again, faster and more urgently this time. 

“Hey!” Ron caught her fumbling, and started toward her. “What do you think you’re—?”

Ellie didn’t give him time to finish his thought. She sprung off the couch, choking his words with a loud umph as she slammed her body as hard as she could into his chest and ricocheted onto the floor.

He wasn’t gonna shoot her; he needed her alive. 

The force of the impact threw the man off balance, and he tumbled back a few paces. While he recovered, she did two things at once: first, she shouted, “Cat— The gun!” and next, she raised her arms up over her head and brought them down with as much force as she could muster on either side of her torso, elbows splaying out like chicken wings.

The plastic zip-tie split down the middle and set her free.

Success. 

Cat didn’t try to grab the pistol, but when Ron lunged at Ellie on the carpet, her friend cried out and picked up a square, flower-patterned lamp off the side table, bringing it crashing down over her uncle’s head.

Ceramic shattered, and the Remington in his hand went flying. She dove for it just as a cacophony of loud, male voices approached from outside. 

“Ron!” It was Tommy. “Do us all a favor and bring those girls out! We can talk about this—” he called, heavy footsteps ascending the porch stairs, then a loud, booming knock at the door. “Ron, I swear to God I will break this goddamn door down!” That one was Joel.

Distracted by the noise, Ellie missed her chance to seize the pistol, and before she realized what was happening, Cat’s uncle had her back pinned flush against his front, one strong arm looped around her chest in a gross parody of her dad’s protective hug. Cold metal pressed against her temple, as he dragged her struggling frame further into the house. 

The door crashed open, the handle bouncing off the drywall, and Joel burst into the foyer, followed by Tommy, then Eugene and Maria piling in after him, guns blazing.

“Take one more step and I’ll put a hole through your little girl’s skull,” Ron warned, driving the barrel harder into the side of Ellie’s head.

“Do that and I will rip you limb from limb—” her dad growled, and she recognized the same floating panic in his voice, the same wave of desperation that had flooded that smoky winter chalet as David’s hand trailed up—up—up her shirt until he reached the base of her bra.

She tried to get him to look at her so she could tell him it was ok, that she wasn’t scared, but he wouldn’t move his gaze from Ron’s face. 

Tommy silenced his brother with a firm hand on his chest before he could make any more threats. Ellie’s uncle set his weapon down and held his arms up in surrender.

“S’alright Ron,” he said calmly. “All we wanna do is make sure these girls get out safely. You go ahead and tell us how we can make that happen.”

Ron was panting, the heat and moisture on the back of her neck making her squirm. He was breathing so heavy that his body was rocking her with every expansion of his lungs. “I want food,” he said. “Enough for a month— Gear, weapons, a horse.”

Even though he was right behind her, she had to concentrate to hear what he was saying over the whoosh of blood in her ears. 

Her uncle was listening, maintaining eye-contact, and nodding along with him. At the same time, Tommy was unbuttoning his beige long-sleeve, shouldering out of it. When he was done, he offered it out in front of him, now clad in only his white undershirt.

“Fair enough,” he agreed. “— but it looks like your niece might be cold. How ‘bout you let Maria take her outside?— Get her warmed up. You don’t want her to see all this.” 

Cat’s teeth chattered, her body vibrating as she stood alone and vulnerable, wearing little more than her underwear in front of all these people. The bruises on her skin told their own wordless story, and there was a dark puddle shadowing the carpet at her feet, her legs wet. She glanced timidly at Ron when Tommy spoke, and the man cleared his throat and nodded. “Listen to him, Kitty. You’ll be alright.”

If she didn’t have a gun in her face, Ellie might’ve taken the time to think about how fucked up it was that Ron was still trying to reassure his niece when he was the one who’d hurt her in the first place. When the only current threat to her wellbeing was himself. 

Maria draped her husband’s button-down over Cat’s shoulders, whispering a gentle reassurance before shooting Ellie one last brow-pinching, regretful look, and leading her friend out of the house. It was a good strategy. In that one targeted action, Tommy had cleared both Cat and his wife from the danger zone.

“I want everyone else out,” Ron demanded, his arm constricting her hard enough that Ellie had to start taking in small, fast breaths through her nose. “Eugene and Joel,” he clarified.

Her dad’s reaction was sudden and violent. “You can take that gun and shove it up your ass if you think—” 

“—I can shove it up hers,” the man taunted, waving the pistol in Ellie’s face again. “Is that what you want?”

Fuck. Fuck—fuck—fuck, she was trying so hard not to think about David right now, but he was making it really difficult. Was Joel thinking about it too? He had to be. 

“That’s enough,” her uncle snapped, disgust marring his expression, slipping through the cracks in his even-temperament. 

“No fuckin’ way I’m leaving her like this, Tommy! You can’t ask me to do that—” Joel thundered, and this time, his brother’s efforts to temper the storm only made the gusts stronger, like he was trying to blow all the windows and curtains wide open around them. 

The Joel who had slowly and carefully reasoned with Henry in Pittsburgh was nowhere to be found. It was possible that he was only capable of that same rational thought pre-Colorado, or when Ellie wasn’t the one about to get her head blown off. Who would’ve guessed?

She was trying not to add to the panic. Screaming and crying didn’t help either of them when she was pinned to the floor of that terrible restaurant, and it wouldn’t help anyone now. 

Besides, even though all his actions suggested otherwise, her gut told her that Ron wasn’t going to pull the trigger— But the more chaotic things got, the quicker his moods would shift. Right now, the best thing she could do was help her uncle get Joel out of here so he didn’t do anything stupid to make the situation worse.

“Hey—” Tommy was still trying to bring him around. “I’m gonna take care of her. I’m gonna take care of Ellie— But I need you to trust me, alright?” The younger Miller gripped his brother’s shoulders and shook him. “Can you do that?— Can you trust me?”

“It’s ok, daddy,” Ellie said, speaking for the first time since they’d arrived. She didn’t know what possessed her to call him that, but it felt natural: pure and from the heart.

Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, because at the sound of her voice, Joel squeezed his eyes shut and let out something that sounded like a cross between a gasp and a sob. 

“I’m ok,” she repeated, then took a big breath. “I trust Uncle Tommy.” 

It was true. She trusted him to do his best for her, and she trusted him enough to know that if he couldn’t save her, the younger Miller would do anything, even this, to protect his brother from guilt. By shifting the responsibility for Ellie’s wellbeing onto himself, he was making it so that Joel had someone else to blame if things ended badly. 

“You heard the girl,” Eugene nudged. “She’s gonna be just fine.” The older man managed to wrestle her dad onto the porch, albeit close enough to the door that Ellie could still see the olive green of his shirt.

When it was finally just the three of them: uncle versus uncle with Ellie in the middle, Tommy started to kneel down. “Now, I’m gonna pick this gun back up,” he informed the man. “I think that’s only fair— And when I do, you and I can talk about how this little trade’s gonna work.” 

Ron didn’t wait for her uncle to pick up his weapon before he started talking. He was becoming impatient, his grip loosening a bit on her chest as he jostled them back and forth. “I want the stuff brought to Gate B, and I want that big white horse… the strong one.”

“Bullseye,” Ellie whispered, and Tommy shot her a stern, be quiet, sort of look. 

“I’m gonna take the girl up to the first hunting post, and that’s where I’ll leave her,” he explained— But her uncle pursed his lips, then gave a sharp shake of his head. “No. I don’t feel comfortable lettin’ you take Ellie out of Jackson.” 

“Then you can keep her here in a goddamn body bag!” Ron blustered, stabbing the blunt edge of the pistol harder into her face.

Ellie winced; it hurt, but through the pain, she couldn’t help but notice that his focus was on the gun, or more specifically, what he could do to her with the gun— So much so, that he was neglecting the arm that held her against him.

She started to wonder if Tommy knew how fast she was: how quick she could be. 

Joel, who had no doubt heard the exclamation, was making noise outside, but her uncle ignored him

“Alright— alright,” he appeased. “How ‘bout this?— You bring her to the gate. We’ll give you a wide berth. Leave Ellie there, and you have my word that we’ll let you go. I can have the guys start gatherin’ all that supplies right now if it’s agreeable to you…”

“No way— Either I take her to the first hunting post, or I fucking kill her right now! Those are your two options,” he held firm. 

She was trying to get Tommy’s attention, trailing her eyes down to the floor, then back up to the short range, military handgun gripped between his fingers. Her uncle was an excellent shot. Way better than her. Even better than her dad. He had more patience, and not once had she ever seen him miss. 

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare—” Joel started from outside, and this was her opportunity. She made focused, purposeful eye-contact with Tommy, whose face contorted in horror, then, without waiting for permission, Ellie dropped to the ground. 

“Honey— no!” he shouted, but it was too late.

Ron wasn’t anticipating the sudden movement, and he didn’t have time to tighten his hold before her butt hit the floor. Ellie twisted her torso and wrapped her arms around his legs to keep him still. A loud shot rang out through the house and the man’s body spasmed, then collapsed with a heavy thud on top of her.

One bullet, directly to the heart. Not what he deserved, but better than nothing. Blood splattered everywhere, soaking into the carpet around them, coagulating in her hair and completely saturating her favorite space t-shirt as her uncle kicked Ron’s lifeless corpse away from her and eased her to her feet. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and forced her to look at him with an urgent, desperate sort of fervor. 

“Are you ok?— Ellie, are you hurt?” Tommy pressed, trying to draw an answer out of her.

She sucked in a shaky inhale and shook her head. Joel wasn’t far behind, and unlike his brother, he wasn’t so keen to communicate in shocked gestures— not satisfied until he felt her over for any lingering injuries masked by the blood. 

“Go with daddy, sweetheart.” Her uncle blew out his breath in a huff, both exhausted and relieved as he patted her on the shoulder. “Let him help you get cleaned up— Can somebody find Lena?— And will someone get Eugene in here—?” he called, making several orders at once. “Him and I can deal with this mess—”

Chapter Text

Joel barely had time to get Ellie out of the house and into the sunlight before Dina came barreling toward them, eyes blazing, letting it loose on his daughter in a way that he had the desire to, but didn’t have the luxury of doing. 

“I swear to God you have to be the dumbest, stupidest fucking asshole on this planet!” the girl shouted, only inches from her face. It looked like she wanted to push her, but was hesitant because of all the blood. “I TOLD you, I fucking told you we should go get Joel and Tommy first, but you’re so— You’re just so— Fuck, Ellie.”

Fuck, Ellie. That was a good way to summarize it. Joel was torn between falling to his knees and thanking God for not taking another precious little girl from him today, and dragging that precious little girl down to the ground with him to throttle some fucking sense into her.

Only his daughter, only his ridiculous, beautiful, alive child would hand him that book of hints and expect him to read, Cat’s uncle is abusing her, and not, My uncle is abusing me, from its pages. 

“I know. I’m sorry?” Ellie tried, but she cringed, and it came out more like a question.

It wasn’t that the statement wasn’t true, it was just that his girl wasn’t seeing the bigger picture here. Even in the aftermath of what any sane person would describe as a near death experience, she didn’t seem to understand how this one reckless decision gone wrong could’ve ended her life and destroyed so many others.

“Fuck your sorry,” Dina spat angrily. Then, because she couldn’t hug her friend, she settled for him, lunging forward and wrapping her arms around Joel’s waist. “I hate your stupid daughter,” she mumbled into his shirt as he patted her head, trying his best to console the distraught child while his other hand was still gripped firmly around his own child’s bloody wrist.

Seemed like half the fucking town had decided to come out and watch the show; prying eyes and whispers greeted them as they came off the porch and moved into the road.

“Ellie— Joel—” a familiar, panicked voice called and he released Dina, looking up just in time to see Esther hurrying in their direction.

She was crying, a hand pressed to her mouth, eyes red-rimmed, the wrinkles around her lips deep and unyielding. He’d seen her cry many times over the past handful of weeks, so the sight didn’t strike him as odd— But this time, instead of sadness, there was only relief present behind storm grey irises. “I heard there was some sort of stand-off going on; I heard Ellie was involved— Oh my God, sweetheart, is that your blood?”

The woman’s hand hovered around his daughter’s face, like she wanted to cup her cheeks, but like Dina, didn’t want to end up smeared from head to toe in someone else’s plasma. In the same fashion as Ellie’s friend, Esther moved on from the little girl and settled for Joel, cupping the back of his neck and pulling him down and close. “Thank God— thank God— We can’t lose another one,” she whispered in his ear. “She’s not hurt?”

When she stepped back, he hooked his thumb under her chin and had to work to suppress the rest of his own barely concealed adrenaline. “Naw— I reckon she’s gonna be just fine.” 

Ellie, who had drifted away from him and was still going back and forth with Dina, shot him a funny look that he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to see, but he separated from Esther anyways and ran a hand through his hair. “She’s got a nasty bump on her head, but thas’ the extent of it.”

“Whose blood—?” she didn’t need to finish the question for Joel to understand the meaning.

“Ron,” he answered quietly. “Turns out we had the wrong uncle. Cat’s alright… Traumatized, but alright— And we’re not sure about Lena yet…” 

He figured that the sight of Ellie’s little friend, bruised, half naked and pissing herself with fear as her uncle waved a gun in his daughter’s face was gonna be one of those images seared into his brain forever. Like the sound of his child’s pained scream as David pushed into her, or the bruising hickeys all over her chest when Joel had to help her out of her clothes in the aftermath. The phrase, “Do you feel better knowing that I dream about you raping me every night?” 

If he went back even further, Sarah’s squeals— Those were like nothing he’d ever heard before and to this day he could still conjure up the memory in full, agonizing Technicolor. The contrast between her wispy, almost white blonde hair and all that crimson blood… The shaky accusation of, “You shot him,” in her sweet little Texas twang after Jimmy Cooper came bursting through their sliding door.

For Esther it was the way Isaac’s eyes had protruded out of his head when she found him, his tongue swollen and dry from the force of the hanging; she’d confided in him during one of Joel’s private visits that her son’s face had been almost unrecognizable. 

Some things never did go away.

The woman followed his far-off gaze to the spot where the girls were standing, wiped her eyes, and cleared her throat. “Dina honey, why don’t you come back to my place and we can have some tea?” she offered. “—Let Ellie get cleaned up. How ‘bout that?” 

She was a good lady; she knew he needed time with his daughter right now and was doing her best to make it happen, but she also knew that he would worry about sending Dina off on her own in this state, so there she went, killing two birds with one stone even though he was sure all of this was bringing up unpleasant memories for her. 

Ellie was still in shock; she was quiet, and she didn’t fight him when he started them in the direction of the clinic as opposed to home. She held his hand, like their first day in Jackson, and that was just fine with Joel. As things stood, he didn’t know how he was ever going to let her out of his sight again. A town like this was a breeding ground for pedophiles; he’d known that from the moment they’d arrived: easy access to kids, everyone has their guard down… 

It wasn’t hard to get cocky, to start letting things slide. He’d invited Ron into his home, into Ellie’s space. Practically offered his teenage daughter up on a silver platter. He’d tried to force her to spend time with him yesterday at the construction site even though she’d set a clear boundary. To make matters worse, he’d gotten upset with her for it.

Fuck. Even if it had been Tommy she didn’t want to see, Joel was her father, he should’ve listened to her and respected it: asked questions later. Pressuring her to talk about it at work, ten feet away from someone she was clearly avoiding wasn’t the way to get her to open up. He talked a big game about Ellie’s trust in him, and their bond, but getting mad at her, then staying grumpy for the rest of the night… 

The night before she almost died.

Sarah died a couple hours after midnight on September 27, 2013— And because like one long action sequence in a horror movie, that night never seemed to fucking end, he still counted the loss as being on his birthday; he associated it with the 26th, but what was today? —September 27, 2034. Was this God’s way of trying to fucking tell him something?

Watch yourself, asshole; I’ll take this one too. He wanted to pick her up, hold her to his chest and never let go. 

Maria was standing outside the clinic doors biting her nails when they arrived. He wasn’t surprised she didn’t hang around to watch. While the love between Tommy and his wife was profound and obvious, it was also a match made in the apocalypse, which meant it was practical. He loved her enough to get her the hell out of there first chance he got, and she respected that love enough to listen. That, and he was sure the woman was also thinking of Cat, who’d been through enough without having to listen to Tommy put down her uncle.

When she caught sight of his daughter, her whole body seemed to collapse. “Ellie—” she enveloped the girl in a hug, unbothered by the red transfer on her hands and shirt. “I knew you’d be alright. My brave, brave girl—” she repeated, planting a kiss on the top of her head in a spot where the blood had missed.

Then she looked up at Joel, “Tommy?” she questioned, her tone still anxious. “I heard a shot.” 

“His,” Joel confirmed. “Everything’s fine. He stayed behind with Eugene to clean up and sort Lena out.”

“Where’s Cat? Is she ok?” Ellie asked Maria, the first question she’d asked since they’d left the chaos. 

If he wasn’t her very stressed out, very worried father on the verge of an anxiety attack, he’d be proud of her for the care she’d shown her friend. Her unwillingness to abandon someone she loved in their time of need. He couldn’t forget that he owed his life to that same level of care. Joel never would’ve survived last winter if she hadn’t stuck by his side, her skinny arm slung across his chest, giving him strict orders not to die. 

Shit. His mind was all over the place.

“She’s…” the woman trailed off. “Well— I’m sure you have some idea how she’s feeling, but physically, I think she’ll be just fine. All her injuries were minor,” Maria said softly. “She’ll be relieved to know you made it out; that was all she could talk about. She told me how smart you were back there— Said you didn’t even seem scared at all.”

Normally, he wouldn’t be too keen to have Maria dropping references to Colorado out of the blue like that, but his girl was so quiet, she was so withdrawn that Joel was sure it was already on her mind. How could it not be after everything that was done to Cat? Everything that sick motherfucker said to her in front of Joel, let alone anything he said to her before they arrived.

Ron wouldn’t’ve had time to… no. Joel had faith that his daughter would’ve at least told him that right away, and other than the crushing silence, there were no obvious signs that he touched her. Dina found them pretty quick. 

The little girl leaned into his side awkwardly at his sister-in-law’s praise. His best guess was that she was either playin’ shy or playin’ sweet: defense mechanisms the both of them.

“Alright then,” Maria pulled herself together, rubbing her hands on her thighs. “What do we need? Clothes? Food? A hairbrush? Do you mind if I grab something for Cat to wear from your closet, Ellie?— You two are about the same size…”

The nice thing about the Jackson clinic was that it used to be a hospital, so it was large, but it was also largely empty.

Dr. Jameson, and Dr. Chang used the emergency wing for most of their work, and the surgery if they had to, though neither were surgeons by trade; Joel asked.

Jameson had been a third year med student at the time of the outbreak, and Eric a full-fledged pediatrician, though due to circumstances for the past twenty-some years, like Jerry Anderson, they were both well-versed in crisis medicine.

Even though Ellie wasn’t hurt, Joel wanted Eric to have a look at her after she’d had a shower, washed the blood off, and had a chance to process things a bit better. They took a patient room on the second floor to convalesce, and Maria left clothes outside the door while his daughter cleaned up. 

“Joel!” Ellie called from the bathroom, her voice slightly elevated. 

“What is it, baby?” He cracked the heavy door open enough to hear. Was she hurt and didn’t realize it? 

“I need pads,” she whined. “Why does this stupid thing always have to come at the worst times ever?” his daughter continued to complain.

Three periods in just under four months; Joel would say that was gettin’ to be pretty damn regular. She was probably long overdue. Her body knew what it was doing, and was making up for lost time more so than it would’ve if she’d gotten it at twelve like Sarah did.

This was a clinic, there had to be feminine supplies kickin’ around. Joel went downstairs to scope things out just in time to see them bring Lena in— She was still unconscious, but he watched her hand twitch and saw the rise and fall of her chest before Dr. Jameson wheeled her away on a gurney. That must mean that Eric was with Cat, which made sense, him bein’ a kids’ doctor and all.

Tommy spotted him right away and pulled him in for a quick, brotherly hug, before clapping him on the back. “How’s my Ellie doin’?” he asked, still wearing his jeans and the white undershirt, which was smudged and spotted with blood.

“She’s gonna be alright,” Joel reassured; they were far enough removed from the situation now that he was starting to come down. “Haven’t really gotten a chance to talk with her about all of it yet, but we’ll get there— and listen…” he trailed off. “About before…”

“It’s fine.” His brother waved him off. “I don’ know what I woulda done in your shoes, but I do know if the roles were reversed, if I thought there was even a chance you were doin’ that to her…”

There was a pause. 

“What I’m tryin’ to say is that I get it,” he repeated, “— and I can talk to her, if you think that’s best. That little note was… I know she didn’t write it last week but if she gave it to you, that means she was still thinkin’ about it, and after all this shit with Ron I just wanna make sure…”

Joel shook his head. “I don’t think it was ever about you to begin with— Better you just keep on bein’ Uncle Tommy and leave the complicated shit to me.”

He didn’t want all Ellie’s relationships to become defined by her trauma; it was nice that his brother was aware and able to act accordingly, but it would be best to keep their bond simple and easy for as long as possible.

Maria joined them, sliding her arms around her husband’s waist and burying her nose in his shoulder from behind. She inhaled deeply, and he placed his hands over hers.

“Cat needs a place to stay for the night, and her and Lena will need somewhere to go until we can re-house them. I’m sure neither of them will want to go back to that house,” she said.

“We’ll look after ‘em for now,” Tommy problem-solved, then he frowned. “—But I wonder if it wouldn’t be nice for Cat and Ellie to spend some time together tonight, keep that poor girl distracted till her mama wakes up. Think Ellie would be up to spendin’ the night at our place?”

No way in hell was Joel letting his daughter sleep anywhere else but tucked safely in her bed at home for the foreseeable future. Not after he almost lost her today.

Maria, who picked up on his hesitancy, smiled and said, “Maybe your brother should take Cat home for the night, since she’s already comfortable with him, and her and Lena can stay with us starting tomorrow.”

“Thas’ fine by me,” Joel agreed.

It might be helpful for Ellie too, healing maybe, to have someone her own age to share experiences with— Course it could just as easily swing the other way and he could end up with not one, but two traumatized little girls losin’ their shit under his roof. Oh well, it wasn’t nothin’ he couldn’t handle.

They could stay up all night if they wanted to, talking, watchin’ movies, playin’ that truth or dare game Cat liked so much. He didn’t care, whatever it took to keep ‘em calm. 

He pulled one of the nurses aside for pads and medical tape, then went back upstairs to Ellie’s room. His daughter was waiting for him. She snatched the box out of his hands from inside the bathroom, and when she came out it was with wet hair, dressed in a pair of leggings, her pizza shirt, and that green armband. 

“Do you think we can wash it?” Ellie asked, holding up the beloved Star Wars t-shirt for him to look at. Joel took the dried, crusty material between his fingers and wrinkled his nose. “No, baby girl. We can’t wash it.”

“—But it’s my favorite shirt,” she insisted, green eyes wide and vulnerable as she sat down on the patient bed in the middle of the room.

“We’ll find you a new Star Wars shirt. That shit was real popular back in the day; maybe there’ll be one with Leia on it. You’d like that,” he soothed, aware that this wasn’t about the shirt: not really.

“It won’t be the same—” she argued, angry and sad at the same time, her bottom lip quivering. “— The material on this one was perfect, and I wore it for so many important things, like going camping with Tommy, and to Isaac’s funeral…”

“Ok—ok— Well we’re not gonna worry about it right now.”

Joel sat down beside her and opened his arms. Ellie dove into them and attached herself to his neck, mumbling an apology into his shoulder. “— I’m sorry for not telling you about Ron. Cat begged me not to, but I wanted to tell you so—so—so— badly and I’m already SO mad at myself for not doing it, so please don’t be mad at me too—” she rambled.

Was he mad at her? It didn’t matter.

He cradled her close and stroked his fingers through her wet auburn. “There’s gonna be plenty of time to talk about all this, Ellie— But for right now, the most important thing is that I’ve still got you here with me. Cat’s gonna come home with us tonight, and we’re gonna focus on gettin’ through this together. How’s that sound?”

Ellie nodded and relaxed a little against his chest. “Now why don’ you let me have a look at that pinky finger?” he coaxed. “Must be pretty sore.”

Joel pulled out the roll of medical tape he took from downstairs. They were gonna get through this like they did everything else, all they had to do was take it one step at a time.

Chapter Text

Cat looked so different when she was fully-covered and wearing Ellie’s baggy, oversized clothes. She seemed smaller, more vulnerable somehow even though Ellie couldn’t see the bruises on the girl’s hips and arms anymore. It was weird to see her without all her tattoos on display.

Maria had given her the Juicy sweatpants from the Firefly hospital— probably because she knew Ellie didn’t really wear them anymore— and a buttoned-up purple flannel with a tank top underneath. It was the same outfit she wore the first night they arrived in Jackson from Salt Lake City.

Jesse’s dad walked her down to the emergency room, to the spot where she and Joel were waiting by the doors, a somber expression on his face and one arm slung around her shoulders in support as they came into view. 

Her friend still hadn’t spotted them yet. She was distracted listening to something Eric was saying. “We’re expecting the drugs to wear off sometime tonight. Dr. Jameson’s gonna stay and sit with your mom so that when she wakes up she isn’t confused. I’m sure it’ll be ok to pop by for a visit in the morning,” he informed her. 

“That other doctor’s gonna tell her about Uncle Ron before I get there though, right?” Cat questioned, scrubbing her eyes. “That he’s dead?” Her voice cracked. “— And about all the bad stuff he did?”

Eric pursed his lips, the lines on his face deepening. It was in moments like these that the passive doctor showed his age. He was maybe a few years older than Joel, but unlike her dad, he didn’t have to make an effort to relate, and he didn’t have to try to be gentle, that was just how he was naturally.

“She will. You don’t need to worry about any of that right now. It’s time to let the grown ups handle the grown up problems, alright?”

Cat nodded, then she caught sight of them and trickled into a stream of louder, more obvious sobs. “Oh my God! I thought you were gonna die—” she cried, flinging her arms around Ellie. She clasped her hands behind the other girl’s back in return and squeezed. “I thought he was gonna kill you! I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry—” 

“— He overheard me telling my mom what I told you at the party, and he said he knew there was something wrong because you were looking at him weird at the construction site, and then we ate dinner and he put something in my mom’s food, and then he—” The words caught in her throat. She whimpered and changed direction. “—I never should’ve told you! He wouldn’t’ve gone so crazy if I didn’t tell you—” 

“Hey—hey—hey— None of that now,” Joel soothed, stopping her friend before she could put any more of the blame onto herself. 

This whole time, Ellie had been expecting him to yell at her for getting involved. To be mad at her for not telling him, or even mad at Cat for getting the ball rolling. The look on his face when Ron was holding her hostage made her dread the moment when he’d get her alone… and maybe he was mad, but if that was the case, he wasn’t acting like it. 

All afternoon Ellie felt bloated, her belly aching with guilt for scaring him. For almost making him lose another daughter. Nearly dying in front of him just like Sarah— But underneath all that, her heart was bursting. Exploding with love for the man who’d made himself her dad. Who’d held her so tight in his arms, like he never wanted to let her go, then wrapped her fingers back up with tape, did her hair into two braids, and was now comforting Cat in the same way he’d comforted her after Colorado: after David.  

“What your uncle did wasn’t your fault, honey,” her dad reassured. “— And tellin’ Ellie was your choice to make, jus’ like he made his own choices.” Ellie could tell how hard he was trying to be sensitive, even though he would probably have preferred Cat not to tell her anything in the first place.

“But I feel like I killed him!” she sobbed harder, and that was when Joel wrapped his arms around both of them and rubbed Cat’s sleeve.

“You didn’t kill him, girl. He killed himself,” he said bluntly. “— No matter if it was once or a hundred times, what he did to you was so wrong he couldn’t live in this world anymore. Understand?” He eyed Ellie.

They’d talked a little bit about it. About the stuff Cat told her out on the porch. How it was an ‘accident,’ with air quotations because apparently that wasn’t possible— How before yesterday, he ‘only’ raped her one time, also in air quotations because according to her dad, even if the man never touched her again, that still made him eligible for Tommy assisted suicide. Mostly, it was just Joel reiterating to her that none of Ron’s excuses mattered. That they were all bullshit and that he was a monster who deserved to die.

“I still loved him,” Cat whispered.

Her dad nodded. “Thas’ alright. It’s alright that you loved him,” he validated. Joel was so good at understanding all the most complicated feelings, or at least he was well-practiced at pretending he understood. Maybe he was remembering Ellie’s note again, the one about Tommy. 

“It looks like you’re in good hands tonight, Cat,” Eric said softly. “I’m sure Joel and Ellie will be happy to bring you by when you wake up tomorrow to talk to mom. We’ll get everything sorted out.”

“Course we will,” Joel assured. 

Eric shook her dad’s hand, and they were free to go. “D—do you think my m—mom’s gonna be mad at me?” Cat stuttered, asking the empty street as they walked home. 

“Was she mad at you the first time?” Joel prompted, his tone one of gentle curiosity. It reminded her of the night he sang Future Days to her. The night they did the journal together and she poured her heart out on the couch.

The girl closed her eyes and shook her head. She let out small sniffles and hiccups as she wiped her tears on the cuff of Ellie’s flannel. “She was mad at him; she kicked him out.” 

“Mhm,” he followed. “— An’ was she mad las’ night when you said you’d talked to Ellie?”

“No, but she wasn’t happy about it.” Cat’s voice faltered again. “She said I should’ve talked to her if I wanted to talk about it and she was right!” Snot dripped down her chin. “I don’t know why I had to tell anyone else—”

Ellie leaned over and hugged the girl while they walked. “It wasn’t your fault. I made you think about it, and sometimes it’s too hard to keep things all bottled up. Trust me, I know,” she empathized, and Joel shot her a look that was both concerned and full of love? Pride?— Something nice like that.

“Did you ever tell anyone else?” the girl hiccuped again. “— Like about what happened to you.” 

Ellie didn’t need the clarification. “I told Tommy,” she frowned. “— and more people found out in different ways. Maria knows; I let him tell her, and so does Dina, and Dr. Anderson, the Firefly doctor who treated me. Obviously he knows. My mom’s friend Marlene, Dr. Chang… Esther.” That was kind of an overwhelming amount of people if she really stopped to think about it.

“Esther don’t know it all, honey,” Joel corrected her, but Ellie just shrugged in response, her voice dull. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care if she does.”

Light from the porch bathed all three of them in an iridescent glow as they moved up the steps, and Cat fiddled with something in her sweatpant’s pocket. Before they could enter the house, her friend pulled out a familiar baggie of weed and her blue zippo lighter, looking to Joel for permission.

“Dr. Eric said it’s ‘not ideal’ for me to smoke before bed, but he said it would be fine if I did tonight… because of everything that happened…” she trailed off. Her words still sounded shaky. 

Joel closed his eyes and massaged his forehead with his hand, appearing conflicted. “Alright,” he drawled slowly, blowing out his breath in a resigned huff. “Go ahead, but just this once.”

She was surprised, but not that surprised. He already knew it was hard for Cat to sleep without her mom; he probably figured this would be easier. 

They stayed outside with her while she rolled the joint and lit the end, sucking in and blowing out long, deep puffs of the acrid smoke. Cat held it out to her in offering, but Ellie knew better than to pull that shit with her dad standing right next to her, so she shook her head. Then, the girl offered the joint to Joel.

“I’m good, kiddo,” he sighed, holding up a hand to stop her. He trapped Ellie under his arm and pulled her close. “You finish up, and we’ll all go inside.”

She snuggled close and inhaled the warmth: his end-of-the-day sweat, and something earthy. It was the closest he got to smelling like the Joel on the Outside, and that was her favorite version of him.

It was the first version she knew. The one who became and would always be her safety. 

Joel did his best to ignore the fact that he’d let a fifteen-year-old girl get stoned on his porch and fall asleep at his kitchen table as he placed two plates of eggs and toast down in front of the girls and went back for the third. “Wake your friend up, Ellie,” he prompted. “Ain’t gonna do her no good to starve all night.”

Cat was groggy, her eyes red-rimmed from hours of crying, the whites stained red from the weed. She’d pulled her short hair back into a ponytail and ate slowly… quietly. That part was familiar. Ellie had gone through her own bout of listlessness after the chalet. Of course the most noticeable difference, the thing that would serve his daughter’s friend in her recovery, was the fact that she wasn’t shy about letting her emotions out.

Not even twenty-four hours and she was already talking about it… sharing her feelings. At this stage, Ellie had been a concrete wall: closed off and impenetrable.

“I know it’s stupid because I was just sleeping, but I kind of don’t want to go to bed yet,” Cat informed them, and this was exactly what Joel meant. She was articulating her needs and he knew well enough to know it was something he should encourage.

“I have no objections to a movie night,” he offered, but Cat’s brows furrowed and she shook her head. “I don’t know. I just wanna like… do something I guess. Not just sit there.”  

“I have an idea,” Ellie said, then turned to him. “Can I go in your room?”

Little by little she was getting better at boundaries, learning to ask permission for things, to check with him before entering a space that wasn’t hers. Joel had a pretty good idea what she was after, so he didn’t have a problem saying yes. 

He was proved correct when his daughter dragged her friend upstairs, leaving their empty plates on the table for dad to clean. By the time he was finished, Ellie was already in the middle of teaching a lesson. She’d taken the guitar into her room and he heard her tune the strings. He wondered if she’d still be able to play with a broken pinky finger. 

Joel was tryin’ to get out of the business of eavesdropping, but this seemed harmless, so he sat on the stairs to listen. “Tommy’s teaching me all these campfire songs from when he was a kid—” she explained, giving the instrument another couple of test strums. She didn’t sound too off key. “This one’s about devils—”

Yeah… Joel knew the one, but he hadn’t heard it in years. Sarah did a couple months of girl scouts when she was seven, before she switched over to soccer. Her troop put on a jamboree at the end of the year at the local Christian school and that would’ve been the last time. 

“Three little devils,

All dressed in red,

Trying to get to heaven on the end of a bed—”

He’d never get tired of hearin’ Ellie sing, even if all it was was these silly campfire classics; the little trill in her voice was too damn cute. Joel couldn’t help but admire how mature she was being. 

Sure, she’d had her moment after all was said and done this morning. In the quiet safety of the clinic room she’d been clingy and overly affectionate: snuggling, layin’ all over him, letting him baby her, but now, when her friend needed her present and attentive, she put her own needs on the back burner.

It reminded him of a thought he’d had before, back when Dina slept over for the first time. In the absence of Joel as her oversized teddy bear, Ellie didn’t seek out another, she became the teddy bear. That was her true nature, the one all the trauma had fucked with and interrupted. It was nice to see her get some of that back every now and then.

“Ok—ok, this one’s funny—” his daughter said, playing the cords to a tune he didn’t recognize,

“I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it’s hot,

I wear my flannel nightie in the winter when it’s not,

And sometimes in the springtime, 

Sometimes in the fall,

I jump into my little bed with nothing on at all,

Whoo!”

Oh for Christsakes Tommy. What in the hell was that boy teachin’ her? — But his amused disapproval didn’t last long, because when Ellie got to the end of the first chorus, Cat burst into a fit of giggles, and fuck— the greatest lesson he’d learned from being a father again was: if you can get her laughin’, she’ll be just fine.

Joel smiled to himself, then got up and went back downstairs. It sounded like Ellie had the situation well in hand and he didn’t want to get in her way.

Once he heard the girls quiet down upstairs, Joel found himself sitting outside on the porch with a coffee, the old fashioned kind, nothin’ else added. Didn’t seem right to drink tonight, not after the story Ron had spun for Cat. 

Too drunk to recognize her. What a load of bullshit. If you’re drunk enough not to realize it’s your fourteen-year-old niece napping in your bed and not your girlfriend, your fuck-buddy, whoever— then you’re too drunk to get it up in the first place.

He could understand how the situation unfolded the way it did. Lena was just a kid herself, younger than Sarah would be if she’d lived: a kid raising a kid— And unlike Renata with her older daughter, Cat’s mother wasn’t exploiting her to feed a drug habit. She was trying to parent her, to protect her daughter the only way she knew how. Was it right?— Of course not, but Joel wasn’t gonna judge the woman for doing her best in a bad situation. 

As though his thoughts of Renata were broadcasted across town, it was in that moment that Joel caught sight of her youngest walking up and down the streets on her own. When she spotted him, Dina came to a stop at the base of his porch steps, her hair pulled back with a claw clip, arms crossed over her chest, wearing a big hoodie and a pair of plaid pajama pants.

“Is Ellie awake?” she asked.

“I reckon she’ll be sleepin’ by now.” He let her down gently. “Been a long day, and Cat’s spendin’ the night.” Joel didn’t want to start any teenage drama, but he figured honesty was the best policy. Better she know now than find out later and feel like the other two were keepin’ secrets. 

“Oh,” she said, then paused and tucked a loose black curl behind her ear. Dina took a deep breath and plopped down next to him on the step, resting her chin in her hands.

“You shouldn’t be wanderin’ by yourself at night,” he chided. “It ain’t safe.” That was a hard truth they were all reminded of today. People spent so much time worryin’ about what kinds of monsters lurked outside Jackson’s walls, but who knew how many there were within its gates? — Wasn’t two out of the three little girls in his life enough?

“I have a knife.” Dina smirked, flashing him the edge of a silver fishing blade in her sweater pocket. 

Oh, you have a knife— And what do you think you’re gonna do with that knife against a fully grown man? That was what he wanted to say, but the kid had already moved on.

“Does Ellie not like me anymore?” she asked, staring dejectedly at the ground as she spoke.

“What are you talkin’ about?” Joel questioned, trying to convey disbelief in his tone, like the idea was absurd. “Course Ellie likes you.”

“Well she doesn’t act like it,” the girl countered. “I know she was all messed up about this Cat thing, but it’s like she’s always with her now, and I tried to get her to run away when Ron came home today, but she wanted to stay with Cat— And I know she just wanted to help, but it felt like she chose her over me, and since me and Jesse broke up I’m lonely all the time—” Dina’s bottom lip quivered and she rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms. 

Christ. What had he gotten himself into? Three little devils alright. Maybe he was gonna need a smidge of Tommy’s bourbon to get him through this one after all. 

Chapter Text

She should’ve realized it was suspicious when Tommy requested that Maria find another partner for the day so he could take Ellie up to the dam with him. He said it was because he wanted to keep teaching her how to fix the turbines when they broke, but she quickly understood the real intention behind the outing.

The first clue should’ve been that he didn’t want to ride there; he wanted to walk. He also wanted Joel to think she was with Maria. Since she broke her finger, Ellie had been shadowing Tommy’s wife instead of going to the construction site. 

“Haven’t gotten a chance to ask you how you’ve been holdin’ up,” he commented. “That was a nasty scare we had a few days ago.”

They were only a few yards from the gate on foot, Ellie wearing her new yellow and green, flannel fall jacket with her hair up in a messy ponytail. She had her Beretta tucked into the waistband of her jeans. 

“Oh. Yeah— I’m fine,” she replied, nervous butterflies fluttering in her belly. She supposed it made sense he’d want to check in with her. He was right, they hadn’t really gotten the chance to chat lately, and they hadn’t hung out or been alone together for what felt like weeks. 

Tommy slowed his step so he was more in tune with hers. “Are you sure, sweetheart?” He frowned. “—cos you know we’ve got Cat and her Mama stayin’ with us right now, and she sure as heck ain’t fine; Lena neither. Just wanna make sure there’s nothin’ we’re missing here.”

Was this because of Isaac? He wanted to make sure she wasn’t planning to kill herself over what happened with Ron.

“Well…” Ellie trailed off, trying to think of a more sensitive, Tommy appropriate, way to word what she wanted to say. In the end, she decided to say it just like she would if she were talking to her dad. “I mean Cat got like… raped by her uncle, so that’s probably why she’s not doing good. That part didn’t happen to me, so…”

It was hard to meet his gaze, so she looked down at her feet as they walked.

He winced, but to his credit, kept going. “Right. That’s the thing, Ellie…” Tommy paused. “Your friend keeps talkin’ about how brave you were when all that was goin’ on— How smart you were bein’, and I agree with her. You scared the shit outta me, but I think we’re all real proud of how you handled yourself, your daddy included, even if he don’t say it— But she doesn’t exactly have a filter that girl, and she also told us some of the things Ron was sayin’ to you before we got there. I just wanna make sure that stuff ain’t gettin’ stuck in your head.”

Ugh. He was rambling. That meant that whatever he heard had to’ve been bad. She didn’t even want to know what Cat said. Probably the thing about teaching her how to make Tommy feel good. She looked up at him again and adopted her best impression of a mature adult. She couldn’t act like a baby about this, not if she wanted him to drop it. “I’m ok, really,” she stressed. “I promise.” 

Was it a lie? Ellie didn’t know, but what she did know was that if she had any bad thoughts about it, she could talk to Joel about them. He could handle it. She didn’t want to make her uncle think about that stuff more than he already had to because of her. Even though he knew about David, she didn’t want that to be the only thing in his mind when he looked at her.

The younger Miller rubbed his hands over his face, repositioned his rifle on his shoulder, and let out his breath in a long exhale as the sign for the dam came into view.

“Look honey, what I’m really tryin’ to say is that I know Cat asked you not to tell anyone about Ron, and I know you were just keepin’ that promise, but I also want to make sure you know that if for any reason you don’t feel like you can talk to my brother about somethin’, if you’re scared of how he’ll react, you can talk to me about it, alright?— And if you feel like it’s somethin’ you’d rather talk about with a woman, you can go to Maria… I know she ain’t always warm an’ fuzzy but she’s got a real soft spot for you—”

“Tommy stop, please,” Ellie whined. “I already know I can talk to you guys. I was gonna tell Joel the other night. Me and Dina were at Cat’s house because we were gonna warn her, but that’s when Ron came home.” She paused. “I’m not scared of telling Joel anything. The only reason I didn’t tell him was because I knew he would kill Cat’s uncle, but I guess it didn’t matter cos you ended up killing him anyways…”

They were both rambling now. Ellie would give anything to make this conversation end. Maybe she should start acting all upset, or like a little girl, then he might just give her a hug and tell her a stupid pun and they could move on with their day.

“Just wanna make sure you know who your safe people are,” he reassured, and that made Ellie stop and think for a second.

Was he making reference to the fact that she’d talked to Esther? How would he even know about that unless Joel told him? Was she not supposed to go to Esther about that stuff? Because her dad didn’t say anything about it, and fuck that— she could talk to whoever she wanted. Joel was the controlling one and he didn’t even try to make stupid laws like that for her… 

“I do know,” she said, trying to make him change the subject. She didn’t want this to turn into a fight. 

Tommy could tell she was getting irritated because he mulled over what she said and must’ve decided to let it go, a gentle playfulness coming over his expression as he shot her a tentative smile, ruffled her hair, and said, “Alright. I believe you, girl. S’just I love my niece so much, I don’t always know how to say it right.” 

He wrapped his arms around her from behind and squeezed her tight enough to cut off her air supply, walking them slowly and rocking her back and forth in big exaggerated motions. 

“Let me go!” she squealed, twisting and wriggling, pulling her feet up off the ground so he would drop her; she landed on her knees, giggling wildly. He released her with a chuckle, then reached down to help her stand.

“You’re so dumb.” Ellie pushed his arm, and he slung it around her shoulders. “That’s what uncles are for sweet pea,” he smirked. 

Sweet pea? That was a new one. His lips were turned up at the corners, but she picked up on an odd sort of seriousness behind the statement. Joel better not’ve fucking told him anything weird. If he did, she decided it was better not to know. 

They walked in a companionable silence for another few minutes, trudging through autumn leaves, which crunched under their feet as they went; the tension in the air had lifted. “Tommy?” Ellie asked, bumping against his arm to get his attention.

“Mm,” he acknowledged her.

“I love you too,” she said, then jumped up to hook her arms around his neck and tried to hop onto his back for a piggyback ride. Her uncle’s mouth stretched into a wide grin as he caught her bicep, then bent over and pulled her leg at the knee to help her along just as they reached the Jackson entrance to the dam.

“Damn girl—” he feigned breathlessness. “What’ve you been eating?”

“Shut up! You’re such a liar—” She moved to smack his shoulder. 

Tommy laughed again and dodged her hand. “We’re gonna turn you into an engineer yet, kiddo—” He nudged the door open with his hip, the grin on his face never dimming as he carried her inside. “Just you wait.”

Maria invited her and Joel to have dinner at the other Miller household that night with Cat and Lena, which they accepted. It was weird not seeing her dad all day. He was sweatier and stinkier than normal. Now that Ellie wasn’t working, he had to pick up more of the slack. She followed him home so he could shower and she could change into her purple shorts and a comfy sweater.

“It’s too cold for shorts,” Joel chided, rubbing a towel through his wet hair, the ends dripping onto the collar of his green button-down.

“It’s not cold inside the house.”

Her dad sighed long and low. “Well we ain’t gonna be inside the house the whole night; we’ve still gotta walk there an’ back, Ellie— You’re gonna freeze once it gets dark out.”

“Will not,” she argued. Ellie made no move to change into pants. 

“Alright,” he conceded, showing his palms in surrender. “Do whatever you want, but don’t come whinin’ to me about it later.” 

While they were gone, Tommy picked up food from the Tipsy Bison: six steak sandwiches with Seth’s special sauce, onions and peppers. He brought three big bottles of beer for the adults and two sealed glass jars of lemonade for her and Cat, but it turned out that Lena didn’t want to drink, so Ellie and Cat shared one of the lemonades. 

“Me and mom helped Robin at the laundromat today, and we saw Jesse when he stopped by to bring her lunch, but it was so awkward. I mean, I know he knows about what happened; everyone knows,” she stressed, “—but he didn’t say anything.”

“I’m sure he was just tryin’ to be polite,” Tommy interjected, and Lena rubbed her thumb and forefinger across her brow-line like she was in pain. “Cat honey— Can we just focus on dinner for right now?” 

The girl looked like her normal self again; she wore a cropped black short-sleeve tee, her dragon tattoo visible, and a pair of low rise grey sweats that showed off her belly. When her mom spoke, Cat leaned back in her chair at the dining table, huffed, and pulled her knees up to her chest. “It’s hard,” she complained. “It’s hard not to think about it all the time.”

Ellie blinked up at her dad, who shot her a concerned frown and stroked his fingers through her ponytail, one large, comforting hand pulling her head into his side.

He had to be thinking about the same thing she was. 

“It must be very hard,” Maria validated, picking one of the onion slices off her sandwich and eating it whole. “Nobody should have to deal with something like this at your age. At any age, really.”

“I just can’t stop worrying if I’m pregnant, or if I have a disease or something,” Cat sniffed, smearing the wetness from her eyes onto her cheeks. “Dr. Eric said the clinic here can’t test for any of that stuff so we just have to wait to see if I get any symptoms, but he said sometimes you don’t even get any symptoms at all—”

“You don’t have a disease.” Lena put a hand on her daughter’s arm. It sounded like she was trying to be soothing, but the statement just came out strained. “Ron was clean when we left Reno.”

“How do you know?” Cat’s bottom lip trembled. 

“Because he told me, honey,” she insisted. 

“What if he lied?” Her voice rose in pitch. “He lied about everything!” The girl hid her face and let out a muffled sob.

Heat welled in Ellie’s throat at the sight, her eyes prickling. She couldn’t stop thinking about how scary that would be; she didn’t even have to worry about whether she was pregnant after Colorado because at the time, she hadn’t known it was possible to get pregnant before you got your first period.

Same with the gon-o-rhea disease, or infection— or whatever Joel said it was. Ellie didn’t even know stuff like that existed until she read about it in her medical file. Maybe it was better that her dad lied to her— And what if Cat was pregnant? Was there a way to get rid of it? Or would she end up forced to have the baby of her rapist like Ellie’s mom? Except it would be worse, because it wasn’t a stranger, or a hunter, it was her uncle.

That would be like Ellie having Tommy’s baby. Just the thought made her want to puke. If she was still doing the journal, she would write that one in it.

It was all too much. When Cat started crying, Lena moaned and buried her head in her hands. Her shoulders shaking like she was crying too, but no sound came out. Her uncle looked to Maria, who looked to her dad for help. 

“Joel—” Ellie whispered, not really sure what she wanted him to say. He took one look at the desperation in her eyes and cleared his throat.

“Ok, alright—” he drawled, taking control of the situation. “Let’s just take a second to think here. Lena why don’t we try and do some problem solving?” her dad questioned gently, touching the table in front of the woman to get her attention. 

“Now Ellie and I are headin’ out to Utah to see that Firefly doctor again in a couple weeks; we’re gonna be goin’ with an armed escort, and right now, we’ve got some leeway with these people. I’m sure they’d be willin’ to do us a favor. Why don’t you and Cat come with us and we’ll see about gettin’ some of those tests done?”

Then Joel addressed her friend. “They’ve got all the right technology and a big hospital up there where they can give you a proper exam. Make sure there ain’t no lasting consequences.”

“I told him I could get pregnant, but he didn’t care; he didn’t even try to stop before he—” Cat dissolved into another fit of sobs.

Ellie wasn’t able to prevent her brain from calling forth the memory of a stinging heat erupting in her belly. Thick fingers gripping her wrists too tight as David snarled in her ear. 

“I can’t do this.” Lena stood up, her eyes bloodshot, cheeks splotchy. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” She disappeared into the downstairs bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind her. Cat followed her and tried the knob, but it wouldn’t open. “M—mom, p—please don’t be m—mad at me!” she wailed, her words almost unintelligible. 

“Oh Christ,” the younger Miller swore, getting up from the table to go into the kitchen. 

Ellie felt dizzy. 

“Why don’t you go with Uncle Tommy,” Joel suggested quietly, nudging her in that direction, but she resisted. “No— I want to stay with you,” she whined, pressing her face into his armpit. “I don’t feel good.”

She couldn’t stop remembering David: his callused hands sliding up her belly, cupping her breasts under her bra. The way he licked and sucked on her nipples, and everybody laughing in a circle around her— How she begged him to stop. It hurtsobad she couldn’t take it, but he didn’t care. He liked hurting her, and he let his friends do it too. 

Ellie couldn’t move; she couldn’t breathe. 

Maria pushed her chair back to go deal with Cat, and that was the last thing she noticed before the room started to spin around her, a smoky haze flooding her senses, infiltrating her vision until she was seeing spots. 

Wet, slimy fingers sliding between her legs. The full weight of David’s body as he pressed her into the floor. Hot, sweaty, and heavy. A stabbing—stabbing—stabbing pain like nothing she’d ever felt before and Joel’s screaming threats. His voice telling her, “Eyes on me, baby girl, just keep your eyes on me.”

It took her a long time to realize that Joel was talking to her. The real Joel, not the memory one. They were on the dining room floor, Ellie’s back pressed up against the leg of the table, her head between her knees.

“Deep breaths, honey,” her dad encouraged from the spot in front of her. She gasped, sucking in a mouthful of air.

“Thatta girl, take deep breaths.” 

“I can’t— I can’t— I can’t—” she repeated, scraping her fingers back and forth across her legs. “I can’t—”

“You can,” he said, his tone strong and commanding. “You’re safe, Ellie. Ain’t nobody gonna hurt you. Nobody’s gonna touch you. We’re at Tommy’s house for dinner, you remember that?”

“I don’t feel good.” She keened into him and he held her tight, one hand cupping the back of her head and the other wrapped around her waist. “Joel please—” 

“I’ve gotcha. It’s jus’ you and me.” He stroked her hair. “We’re at Tommy’s house. We’re safe. Nobody’s ever gonna hurt you like that again.”

They breathed together for a long time, like she was a baby in an incubator and he was her lungs. It made her feel safe to think about it like that. Like he was surrounding her. Protecting her. Keeping her alive. 

Ellie’s senses came back one by one. The sound of her dad’s beard rasping against her hair; the peppermint smell of his shampoo; Tommy sitting on the arm of the couch, his head in his hands— But where was Maria? Where were Cat at Lena? 

She sat up a bit, blinking around the room, and as though Joel could read her mind, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and said, “Maria brought your friend and her Mama upstairs to talk. Figured we could all use some separation.”

“I don’t know what happened,” Ellie croaked, and her dad’s expression softened. “You had yourself a panic attack, little lady.”

She leaned against the table again, butt on the linoleum. That made sense. It was just like when she got her period at Esther’s house, or when all those people were laughing around her at Tommy and Maria’s welcome party. 

“Everything Cat said just kept reminding me of David,” she told him, trying to keep the quiver out of her voice. 

“I know— I know baby,” he soothed. “That’s only natural. Ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed of.” Speaking of shame, Tommy was trying not to make it obvious, but she could tell he was watching them, and it made Ellie want to crawl under the table and hide there forever. 

She’d spent all morning convincing him that she was fine. Dismissing all his concerns, and getting annoyed with him for being worried about her after she almost died in front of him, and now she was freaking out on his kitchen floor. 

She hadn’t wanted him to think about David every time he looked at her. Didn’t want him to picture her naked and scared; she wanted him to think she was strong, and brave— and smart like she was when Ron was holding her hostage, like Cat did, but then like a stupid little girl, she started crying about him in front of everybody only a few hours later. 

Cat was right when she said it was hard not to think about it all the time. It’d been over half a year since Colorado and even though she had a family and friends now, even though she was fine most of the time, the memories were always there in the back of her mind just waiting for the right moment to resurface.

It wasn’t fair.

“C’mere,” Joel stood up and extended his hand out to her. Ellie let him pull her to her feet, then he directed her toward the table again by her shoulders. “Why don’t we pack up these sandwiches and get goin’?” he suggested.

She did what she was told, wrapping the bread back up in its tinfoil with shaky fingers and trying not to make eye contact with Tommy, who wasn’t saying anything either.

It turned out he was just waiting until they were about to leave. When their food was packed and ready to go, her uncle cleared his throat and made a come here motion with his hand. Joel nodded and squeezed her arm encouragingly, and again, Ellie did what she was told. It was hard to make her own decisions when her mind was so all over the place. 

She was scared he was going to talk, or make her cry— or tell her she was a stupid fucking liar and a baby who needed serious help and he couldn’t be her uncle anymore… but of course he didn’t. He didn’t even say anything. All Tommy did was hold her; he rested his chin on top of her head and rocked them back and forth a bit like he did when he was playing with her earlier, only this time he wasn’t doing it to make her laugh. 

“I love you, girl,” he said softly, and Ellie’s breath hitched. “Me too,” she whispered back.

If Tommy still loved her, even though she was overly sensitive, and hyper-emotional. Even though she couldn’t stop reliving something that’d happened months ago like it was yesterday— Even though she felt crazy sometimes, then maybe that meant she deserved to be loved. 

It was dark when she and Joel stepped outside into the street and Ellie shivered, goosebumps forming on her legs, making the little hairs stand on end. “It’s cold,” she complained, and her dad barked out a laugh. “What did I tell you when we left?” He shook his head.

Ellie knew he was right, but she scowled at him anyways. Instead of making her suffer, Joel elbowed her gently and said, “I’ll race you home.”

She really wasn’t in the mood for games. Not after humiliating herself in front of everyone again. “Joel, I don’t want to—” 

“Better keep up, baby girl,” he cut her off, breaking into a backwards jog.

“You’re not funny. I’m gonna kill you,” Ellie growled, and her dad chuckled. “Gotta catch me to kill me!”

Chapter Text

“Where’s Ellie?” Esther asked, moving from the spot where she stood examining the drawing of his two daughters, to sit down on the couch.

Joel passed her a steaming hot mug of tea; she wasn’t a big coffee drinker, and took the spot next to her. “Sent her out on strict instructions to go see Dina. She could use some good, old-fashioned teenage girl drama in her life.” He groaned and leaned back, rubbing his hands over his face with exhaustion. “We all could.”

“She’s taking this thing with Ron pretty hard, huh?”

Joel sipped his coffee. “I don’t know where to draw the line,” he admitted. “I get that she wants to be there for her friend, and it brings out a good side of her, that’s for sure, but you shoulda seen her the other night when Cat started goin’ into specifics at the dinner table. It was way too much for her. She likes a good one-on-one that girl; she’s shy…”

Esther raised an eyebrow.

“Ok, maybe shy ain’t the right word.” He cracked a smile. “She’s self-conscious about her feelings we’ll say. Thing is though, if Cat’s sayin’ all that in front of people she don’t know, then what’s she sayin’ when it’s just her and Ellie alone? She’s the type of girl that she hears something worded a certain way once, and it’s stuck in her head forever.”

“Ellie’s usually pretty good about talking to you though, isn’t she? I mean even when she was trying to hide what she knew about Ron, she was still spilling it all over the place. To me, to Dina… She wanted you to know.”

“You’re right about that,” he conceded. 

“It’s ok to nudge her in one direction. Dina’s a sweet girl. I’m sure she’s a good influence, but don’t try to control who she sees. That’ll just push her away. Your job is to be there for her no matter what. To nurture that openness that you two have. Let her come to her own conclusions, because once you lose that trust it’s not an easy thing to get back…” the woman trailed off, going quiet.

Joel cleared his throat, covering Esther’s hand with his own. “You didn’t lose your boy’s trust,” he said softly. “Wasn’t nothin’ more you could’ve done. I’ve been real lucky with Ellie so far. When I met her, she didn’t even know what it meant to have a parent. I’m sure things would’ve been different had she lost her Mama later in life.”

What it really was, was the fact that he wasn’t her natural father. She viewed him as someone in her life who stayed around because he wanted to, not because he had to. Ellie didn’t have the same sort of disdain for him that most children develop for their parents around this age. Not yet anyways. 

“There had to’ve been something,” she choked, covering her mouth with her hand to muffle the sound. “I hovered too much when Byron died, and I didn’t hover enough near the end; I was just so tired of being the bad guy all the time…” 

“You were grieving,” he soothed. Joel truly didn’t know what else Esther could’ve done. The kid had stonewalled all her attempts to connect. He’d even started to get aggressive with her. If Ellie got aggressive with him, he’d just let her. What harm was she gonna do?

She’d lashed out and pushed him out of anger on a couple occasions. The first time they came to Jackson and he’d said those hurtful words to her, and once on the road, while she was sick, in pain and not thinking straight. She’d felt guilty enough about it when she calmed down, and they’d moved on, but it was different with boys and their moms. Isaac could’ve done some serious damage in the right mood. 

“Do you have any idea how many times I told him to do whatever he wanted? That I didn’t care anymore?” she asked; it was a rhetorical question. “You have to find a balance with Ellie. You need to show her that you care without trying to dictate her life for her—” Esther was rambling now, almost frenzied in her determination to get her point across. 

“Alright— alright. I’ll do that,” Joel agreed. “Just take it easy.” He pulled her into his arms. “Easy.”

She was desperate and hopeless all at the same time. It was a feeling he knew well as he eyed that beautiful picture Ellie made for him over the woman’s shoulder. His two girls: one still so close and the other so far away.

The woman drew his lips down to her face and pressed her mouth to his. He could feel the wetness of her tears in his beard as she kissed him. Joel put his hands on her arms and gently separated them. “Not tonight,” he said.

“I just need—” she gasped.

“I know,” Joel hushed. “—but not tonight. Not like this.” He did know; he understood. She needed a distraction, and her body needed Serotonin. He’d gone through this phase in the first few years following the outbreak, seeking out anything that would make him feel good, however briefly it may be. 

Joel didn’t have the right words to explain his rejection. What was he supposed to say? Sorry, if you start cryin’ during sex, it’s gonna make me think of my daughter. No— He couldn’t say that. 

Esther let out another heart-rendering sob and Joel rubbed her arm, his chin coming to rest on top of her head. It was a pain like no other, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel— But how was he supposed to tell her that if she thought the first few months were hard, try living a year, then two years without your child? How was she going to feel when she could no longer remember the sound of Isaac’s laugh, or his voice? 

Sarah used a specific brand of Loreal Kids strawberry shampoo for years, and for the life of him, Joel couldn’t remember what it smelled like. Twenty-one trips around the sun and the wound was still raw enough that he couldn’t even allow Ellie to acknowledge his birthday.

“I’m sorry,” she nodded, standing up and walking a few paces away from him. “I’m really sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me— I’m forty-seven years old, I shouldn’t be acting like this.” He came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, massaging firmly for a few seconds until some of the tension alleviated.

“Why don’tchu stay over tonight? Keep Ellie and I company?” Joel offered. 

“Is she gonna be ok with that?” Esther asked, and he waved her off. “She’ll be just fine.”

His daughter was adaptable, but more importantly, she was kind; he had faith that she would understand, and if she didn’t… if it really was that much of an issue, then at least Joel would know and he could use this as a way to get to the root of the problem with her. 

Esther let her head fall with defeat. “Thank you, Joel. You’ve been a good friend through all this. I know it can’t be easy.” She glanced again at the rendering of Sarah’s smiling face. 

“Don’t worry about me,” he said as he guided her back to the couch and encouraged her to take the warm cup in her hands. “Why don’t you try an’ finish that tea now?” 

Ellie fiddled with the chain on her rocketship necklace as she leaned back on the grass next to Dina, Shimmer and Japan grazing a few feet away from them in an open green space near the Lake Teton exit. They’d gotten permission from Ed to take the horses out, since the ones needed for patrol this evening, Pluto and Cowgirl, were already saddled up and ready for their riders. 

It was weird to think of them being ridden by someone other than Joel and Esther, but Esther didn’t do patrols anymore, and Joel liked to ride Bullseye now whenever he went out.  

“I think I should tell them to send Shimmer on patrols sometimes,” she commented offhandedly. “I haven’t been riding her very much lately and Scout gets to go out so much more even though Maria doesn’t patrol.” 

“Maybe you should,” Dina said, then she frowned. “I was gonna ask you yesterday if you wanted to do button braids again for Japan, and maybe hunter braids for Shimmer; I think those would look nice on her since her mane is the same color as the rest of her body, but when I went to find you, Tommy said you were with Cat.”

Ellie did this sometimes with Joel. Talked about something random and then turned it into the topic she actually wanted to talk about. Dina had been trying to bring this up with her since the morning Ron died, and she’d been evading the girl, not because she didn’t care or she didn’t think it was important, but because she wasn’t sure how to fix what was broken. 

“Look, I know you don’t like Cat, but—”

“It’s not that I don’t like her Ellie,” Dina interrupted with a frustrated sigh. “She’s just… a lot, and I know you get that because it used to bother you too.”

“Kay, but she doesn’t mean to be like that. There’s reasons behind it,” she defended.

“I know. I was also at that house when Ron came home. I saw what he did to her, but unlike you, I ran away and got an adult instead of trying to play the hero. You could’ve died, Ellie. From what Eugene says, you almost did,” her best friend ranted. “After what happened with Isaac, I don’t want to have to watch Joel bury you too. He already lost one daughter.”

“Don’t bring that up.” She scowled, ripping handfuls of grass out of the ground and throwing them out in front of her.

Dina had no right to talk about Sarah. She was Ellie’s family: hers, Joel’s, Tommy’s, and Maria’s. “I didn’t tell you about that so you could throw it in my face, and I already know what could’ve happened. I don’t need everyone reminding me all the time.” Shimmer drew nearer, collecting Ellie’s piles with her lips. 

“Fine,” Dina said, “— but it’s not even the fact that you’re hanging out with Cat all the time that bothers me. You guys have the same trauma; I get it. Doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me about it too, but I guess I get why you’d want to talk to someone that went through the same thing. It’s just that I’ve needed you, and you haven’t been there for me.”

This was the part of the conversation she’d been dreading. It was harder to get mad or defensive when she knew she was in the wrong. Ellie wasn’t trying to be a bad friend, it was just all so overwhelming lately. 

She was caught between trying to comfort Cat, and trying not to fall apart herself— And it wasn’t that she felt like Cat’s problems were worse than Dina’s, or that her best friend didn’t deserve to talk to someone about what was going on in her life, but Ellie had never been through a break-up. The only girl she’d ever loved had died. She didn’t know what to say or how to say it.

“We can talk now,” Ellie suggested, picking at a loose thread on the cuff of her jeans. “— about the Jesse thing I mean. Is he still flirting with Astrid?”

She hadn’t actually spoken to Jesse since the party at her house when the pair broke up, except for once when he’d stopped her in the street to tell her he was glad she didn’t die. Her best friend was right in that he always seemed to be busy with patrols, and now that Ron was dead, he’d started shadowing Tommy during the day doing security work.

Dina sized her up, like she was trying to decide whether to push the issue, or let it go. Then, she made her decision and shrugged.

“Shitty I guess. He told me he missed me the other day, but that he still needs space, and I don’t know if he’s flirting with her or not. It’s hard to tell when people are flirting or just being friendly, because I totally thought Cat had a thing for Jesse when she first got here, but nope— apparently she’s a lesbian.”

One thing Ellie loved about her best friend was that the girl was quick to forgive. “Wait, he told you he missed you? That has to be a good sign,” she offered. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but Astrid is really pretty. Don’t you think?”

You’re really pretty, Ellie wanted to say. Dina was easily one of the most beautiful girls in Jackson. Jesse would have to be crazy to pick anyone else over her. Besides, Astrid’s dad Mike was an overprotective asshole, just like Joel. Their friend would need more than just his gentle, passive charm to get past that dude.

“Plus I heard she’s already had sex with that Rodrick guy, little Darin’s younger brother.” The girl slipped into a tentative, insecure sort of disquiet. “She probably didn’t have to stop halfway through…” 

“Ok, but that whole family is kinda racist,” Ellie told her. “Jesse told me that Darin called his dad a slur. So, if Astrid slept with Rodrick, then maybe she’s racist too and won’t want to go out with Jesse.”

“Because he’s Asian?” Dina laughed. “Oh my God Ellie, that’s so fucked up. See this is why I wanted to talk to you—“ 

All her best friend needed it turned out, was someone to vent to, and Ellie vowed to do better in the future. To make sure she was carving out time for their friendship. She kinda forgot how smart the girl was and how easy she was to talk to until Dina switched the conversation around and asked her how things had been going with Cat in the aftermath of the Ron situation.

“I think we’re taking her and Lena to Salt Lake City with us when me and Joel go visit Marlene next month. Visiting Marlene, that was their excuse for the trip— Like Joel would ever actually want to do that. “That way she can get actual tests done in a real hospital.”

“That’s good,” Dina said, getting up to stroke Japan’s mane. She pulled a carrot out of her pocket for him to nibble on. “But like… how have you been doing?”

Ellie told her about the panic attack she’d had over at Tommy’s house the other day. “I just wish it didn’t have to happen in front of so many people,” she lamented. “It’s always at the worst times— Like at a party, or a dinner… At the games night.” 

“Don’t you think maybe that’s why it happens?” the girl questioned, passing her half an apple to give to Shimmer. “I mean, you probably think about it a lot without freaking out too, right?”

She nodded. 

“Maybe it’s thinking about it while you’re surrounded by so many people that pushes you over the edge— Like it makes you feel overpowered, or watched or something.”

Discomfort tingled in the pit of her stomach. That made sense. It explained why she could talk to Cat one-on-one about it, or how she could be having this conversation with Dina right now, but when it got brought up in public, or something reminded her of it in a group, the feelings got compounded by the fact that there were so many people looking at her. 

Maybe she would tell Joel that one and see what he thought.

When Ellie got home that evening, she opened the front door to find her dad and Esther snuggling in the living room. It looked like the woman was sleeping, sock feet pressed into the crack between the cushions, her head resting on Joel’s shoulder. He’d tucked a throw blanket around her and he was going over blueprints, probably for the new garden centre they were building next to the old one in the middle of town. 

Joel put his work down when she entered. “Hey kiddo,” he greeted all non-chalantly, like it wasn’t weird for her to walk in and find him laying on the couch with his arm around a woman. Not just any woman, she reminded herself: Esther. She liked Esther.

“Hi,” Ellie said back, sitting on the floor in front of them, then butt scootching closer to wrap her arms around his calf.

She flattened her chin on her dad’s knee and he ruffled her hair; he must’ve known it would be awkward for her. 

“C’mere.” Joel pulled her onto the couch, and she nestled herself into his free side. Ellie always thought of them as two puzzle pieces clicking together when they sat beside each other like this.

His shirt was the same navy collared one he’d been wearing since he got home from the construction site, and he wasn’t freshly showered, which meant they probably weren’t having sex before she got home. Not that he wasn’t allowed to do that if he wanted to— It was just confusing. He and Esther still spent so much time together, even more than before Isaac died, but Ellie was pretty sure it was as friends; maybe… it might not be, because Joel did touch her a lot more than he used to now, and sleeping on him wasn’t very ‘just friends,’ of them.

“How was your visit with Dina?” 

She looked up at him. “It was nice. I don’t think she’s mad at me anymore.”

“Thas’ good. I’m glad, honey.” He stroked her temple with his thumb and she peered at Esther across his chest. “Is she ok?” Ellie whispered. 

“She’s gettin’ by,” he reassured. “Esther’s gonna be spendin’ the night here tonight. We’re gonna keep her company. That ok with you?”

She tilted her head to the side. Was this a test? It seemed like a test. Ellie had sleepovers all the time, but Joel had never had one before, not since they got here anyways. What was she supposed to say? No— don’t. I want you to love only me. That wasn’t fair to Esther, who she loved also, and who needed to be around people that cared about her.

So, instead of saying the first thing that came to mind, Ellie tucked up onto her knees and kissed the side of Joel’s face, his beard tickling her nose. I’M his best girl, she thought, heat staining her cheeks as she pulled back. “It’s ok.”

Chapter Text

“But like… What will the doctor do?” Cat asked, folding her knees up under her chin. They were on Ellie’s bed, her friend watching as she packed a backpack of clothes and essentials for their two-day Salt Lake City trip.

“Does he have to look… you know… down there?” She appeared uncomfortable. “Dr. Eric said he didn’t have to, because he couldn’t do any of the proper tests anyways. He just asked me questions about how it felt, and if anything was different…”

“… but the doctor in Reno did an exam like that and he was so mean about it. He didn’t even care that I was nervous.” 

Ellie’s brows knitted together. “I’m not a hundred percent sure. I had a really bad kidney infection when we got there. I don’t remember anything, but my medical file said he did, so I guess he did— It might be different for you, because you’re not sick. I think most of the things they’re looking for come from blood and pee tests.” 

“Why did you get a kidney infection? Was that from the hunters?”

She squirmed in place, hands fiddling with the hem of her jammie pants. “Yeah… because everyone’s so dirty on the Outside.” Ellie thought of the weird terminology Dr. Anderson used in his notes. Vaginal and urethral trauma. “I think something inside me got damaged too.”

“Probably cos you weren’t ready. You’re supposed to be like… wet down there before you do it; that’s what Uncle Ron said.” Cat’s voice faltered.

Ellie cringed. 

Even though she wished she didn’t remember at all, that sounded right. It hurt less the second time, because David’s goop was already in her, and then James’ the third time. She tried not to compare experiences. It wasn’t a good idea to start thinking about all the graphic details of what happened in the chalet, but it was hard not to when her friend was talking about it so plainly. 

Ugh. So fucking gross. 

“At first he was mad at me, so he didn’t care, but after— for the rest of the night, he kept doing other stuff to make it kinda feel good, so it didn’t hurt so much,” the girl confessed. “I let him because I was so scared for my mom, but he made me do stuff to him too, and I did it.” She started crying again. “I didn’t want to. I swear.”

Ellie stuffed her own feelings down and took a deep breath, then reassured Cat again that it wasn’t her fault. She was trying to mimic Joel. To reason it out for the girl so she could see that Ron was the bad guy. Some people could pretend to be nice for a long time before they snapped, but he was always going to do it again. 

“Maybe I should’ve tried to cover up more around him,” she argued. “I like showing my tattoos, but maybe if I dressed more like you he wouldn’t’ve been thinking about it…”

“That’s not true.” Ellie’s mouth set into a firm line. “I don’t even worry about what I’m wearing in front of Joel or Tommy, and Joel’s seen me naked like a hundred times, but he never thinks about doing that to me. Never— ever.” 

It was true. Sometimes when it was hot, she wore just a tank top and shorts around the house, or around the other Miller household. Those were the only two places she could do it without someone questioning her bite mark, but nobody ever made her feel weird or uncomfortable about it. 

“But how do you know that for sure?” Cat challenged. “Maybe he’s just hiding it.”

“He’s not. I asked him,” Ellie insisted.

“You seriously asked your dad that?” She looked caught off guard by the honesty. 

They went back and forth for a while about it, but eventually her friend seemed to accept the fact that if Ellie’s dad and Ellie’s uncle didn’t think like that, then her uncle shouldn’t’ve thought like that either. There were different types of love, and dads and uncles both belonged in the family-type, not in the sex or dating-type.

Lena came to get Cat eventually. They had their own packing to do if they were all going to be leaving in the morning. Tommy and Maria sat them down yesterday and explained about Ellie’s immunity, and the real reason they were heading to Utah, but her friend was too distracted worrying about what the hospital was going to entail to give it more than a passing thought. All she’d really wanted to do was see the scar.

“Hand it over,” Joel ordered, reaching for Ellie’s backpack when she descended the stairs. He was in the middle of cracking eggs into a bowl for French toast.

Her face slipped into a scowl. “You don’t even trust me to pack my own bag?”

His voice dropped into a false seriousness and he put a hand over his heart. “I trust you with my life, baby girl; an ambush or a horde, no problem, but you are the worst, most forgetful packer I’ve met in my forty-nine long years. Don’t even try to give me the runaround on this one,” her dad said sagely. 

‘Giving him the runaround’ was Joel-speak for arguing about something she knew was the truth. Still, he was lucky he used all those nice pet names, because otherwise, she wouldn’t just be running; she’d be sprinting all over the house. 

“Fine.” Ellie passed him the bag, hopping up onto the dining table to watch him go through it. 

He opened all the zippered compartments and checked the inside pocket, humming and hawing as he did so. Then, when he was done, he cleared his throat and began his list. You’ve got a toothbrush, but no toothpaste; three bras, but no underwear; an’ you packed jeans, but leggings or sweatpants would be better for the hospital— Easier on and off,” he explained.

“You’re SO annoying,” she huffed, flopping onto her back, toes coming up to rest on the edge of the wood.

“Git your bare feet off the table—” Joel scolded, swatting her knee. “Just cos we’re leavin’ Jackson for a couple days don’t give you an excuse to act like an animal.”

“If you think about it, I’m kind of like one of those lab monkeys we saw at the university.”

“No you ain’t,” he argued, “— and you ain’t gonna be.”

She harrumphed and crossed her arms over her chest, still laying flat on the table. “This’ll be the time they decide to cut my brain out and you won’t even notice; you’ll be too busy kissing Esther.”

“Ellie, if you didn’t want Esther to come with us, then why did you invite her?” he sighed, sounding exhausted.

Her dad was right; she did invite the woman. It just seemed like the right thing to do. She didn’t leave her house very much, and Ellie thought maybe it was because a lot of places around town reminded her of Isaac, so maybe if she left Jackson for a bit, she would be able to feel something other than sad.

“I do want her to come. I just don’t want you to forget about me.” 

Joel let out one long exhale in response. “Sit up,” he commanded. 

Oh boy— Now he was gonna get all serious on her. Ellie did what she was told, pulling herself back into a sitting position in front of him on the table. He cupped her face with his hands. “Do you really think I’m gonna do that?” 

“No,” she grumbled, tipping her head forward to rest against his chest. “I just said it for no reason.” Joel hated it when she used that line, but she didn’t exactly know why she’d said it. Maybe all she wanted to do was get his attention. 

He paused and waited for her to continue. Ellie sighed. “Ok— I didn’t say it for no reason. I said it because… You know how sometimes it’s easier to focus on something stupid instead of thinking about stuff you don’t want to think about?” she asked. “Like when I got mad and punched the concrete because the dowel snapped, but really I was mad about Ron?” She touched the tape that still held her fingers together.

“What don’t you want to think about?” he prompted softly, and she shrugged. “The stuff Cat was saying, and the stuff David did…” she trailed off, worrying her lip. “I know you’re probably so tired of hearing about it, but sometimes I feel like he left some of his cells or something inside me. Something Dr. Anderson couldn’t get out with antibiotics, and they grew, and multiplied, and made me fucked up in the head, and that’s why I can’t stop thinking about him.”

This wasn’t the first time she’d said something to this effect. Joel pulled back. “Ellie, have you ever heard of post-traumatic stress?” he asked curiously. 

She shook her head. The words were easy enough to understand, but the way he said them all smushed together like that made it sound official; like it meant something besides the obvious. “What is it?”

“It’s a medical, psychological condition doctors used to diagnose people with way back before the outbreak.” Joel tapped the side of her head gently with his pointer finger. “It starts when someone gets traumatized— what happened to you bein’ a prime example.”

Oh good. Now he thinks you’re crazy. She should’ve just doubled down on the Esther train. At least then he would’ve coddled and comforted her and it would’ve served a higher purpose. Made her feel safe without having to admit that she was thinking about winter AGAIN. 

He tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. “You start gettin’ flashbacks; that’s what they’re called. Maybe Cat talkin’ about what happened to her triggers you to think about what happened to you, and you might feel like it’s happenin’ all over again, right now instead of in the past. Your heart might start beatin’ faster. Maybe you start to hear, or feel things that aren’t there. It’s what causes those panic attacks of yours.”

“I didn’t know there was a name for it.”

“Nightmares; all this worryin’ you do about me, and about Tommy; those dark thoughts you get when something, even something innocent, reminds you of what happened— That’s all part of it. It’s your body tryin’ to protect you. Goin’ into fight or flight mode, even when you don’t need it to be, and it’s a normal reaction to what you’ve been through. It don’t mean there’s something bad inside you.”

“So, it’s like being sick?” David was sick. So was Ron. The thought twisted her insides. 

“A bit.” Joel nodded, but then seemed to catch onto the fact that the explanation wasn’t making her feel better, and changed course. “— The thing about post-traumatic stress though is that you ain’t alone in it. Not in this world. Your friend Cat has it. Isaac had it. Esther has it. Tommy has it. Hell, I have it, kiddo.”

He shot her a sincere, adoring smile and said, “You think I don’t worry every second of every day that I’m gonna lose the most important person in my life? Where do you think that fear comes from? Huh?” Joel prodded. “When Esther gets that far-off, dazed sort of look in her eyes: that’s her havin’ those same scared thoughts. When Tommy gets all worked up about what’s right and what’s wrong: same thing.”

“— Or like when Isaac freaked out when we ran into those clickers that day at the lake,” she added. 

“Exactly. So, if you need to get your feelings out in some other way; thas’ fine, but I’d rather you tell me what’s really goin’ on— Don’t matter if you think I’m tired of hearin’ about it. It’s only been about half a year since Colorado and I know that probly feels like a long time to you, but trust me when I say it ain’t.” 

“Ok,” she said, crossing her legs over eachother and raising her knees to her chest. Joel eyed her bare feet on the table again, but didn’t scold her this time. He quirked an eyebrow, his mouth twitching into a sly smirk. “Now, do we need to have a conversation about Esther? Cos it’s alright if we do,” he said.

“Nooo,” Ellie whined. “I have to be somewhere else right now, immediately. Right away. I’m almost late—” She stood up. It wasn’t true. She did have one person she wanted to see tonight, before they left in the morning, but it wasn’t a rush. 

“Ellie—” Joel started. “I am just about to start makin’ dinner.”

“Save some for me?” she tried, but he wasn’t convinced. “Not gonna happen, girl. After you’re done eating, I’ll walk you to wherever it is you need to go. He’d been extra paranoid since the incident over at Ron’s; they were almost back to first-month level anxiety. Post-traumatic stress, if you will, and even though Ellie understood, it didn’t make the loss of independence any less irritating. 

“Fine,” she huffed, slumping onto the couch to wait for their french toast to be ready. “I guess I’ll just be a prisoner here then.” 

“My poor baby,” he called from the kitchen, the pan sizzling as he placed the egg-bread onto the heat. 

When Ellie confessed that it was Jesse she wanted to see that evening, Joel gave her a funny look. “Just Jesse?” he clarified. “Not Jesse and Dina?” 

“You know they broke up, right?” she asked incredulously. Yeah, dads were oblivious sometimes, but Joel wasn’t as bad for that as most, and the couple called it quits in a public meltdown, at their house.

“Yes, I know they broke up.” He sounded offended. “It’s a little strange, that’s all. Don’t know if I’ve ever seen you hang out with Jesse alone before.”

“Well are you saying I can’t?” Ellie scowled. “Cos just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed to hang out with him; he’s Dina’s ex-boyfriend, and I’m literally a lesbian. Plus Robin and Eric are so strict; all the doors have to stay open at their house—”

“Honey—” Joel sighed for the millionth time, stroking his fingers through her ponytail. “That ain’t what I’m sayin’ at all. All I’m tryin’ to do is have a conversation with my daughter, if she would relax for half a second.” He shook her shoulders lightly.

It wasn’t her dad’s fault; she still had her defenses up from her visit with Cat.

Besides, he wasn’t the only one who was surprised by her self-made invitation to Jesse’s house. Robin appeared concerned when she showed up on their porch with Joel in tow, like they’d come to talk about something serious. Eric looked up from his crossword puzzle when they came inside, like he thought the same.

“Everything alright, Joel?” he asked. “Ellie?”

“Everything’s fine,” her dad reassured. “S’just that Ellie here wanted to spend some time with Jesse, an’ I don’t like the idea of her out walkin’ by herself past a certain time.”

Ha! He forgot to mention that the ‘certain time’ he was referring to was from the moment she woke up, until the moment she went to sleep.

“Oh, isn’t that sweet of you? We’re worried about him. He’s been a bit anti-social lately.” Robin smiled. “Why don’t you stay and have some tea Joel?” she offered, then she nodded toward the stairs. “Jesse’s in his room honey. You’re welcome to go on up.”

It was probably better if her dad stayed anyways, just in case things got awkward and she wanted to leave. Ellie wasn’t there strictly to be social, if she were being honest. The visit had a purpose.

Her friend was sitting at the desk in his room when she came up the stairs, door open, his head down and concentrating on whatever he was drawing.

Ellie had always thought Jesse’s bedroom was kind of boring. Unlike her or Isaac, he didn’t keep a lot of his nerd stuff out in the open. The only indication of the secret affliction was his drawer full of D&D and Pathfinder books, and the shelf of DVDs by the desk that included the whole Star Wars collection, Firefly, Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who, Stargate, and a few seasons of something called Game of Thrones.

He looked up when she came to the door. “Ellie?” He spun around in his chair and tilted his head to the side. “Hey, what are you doing here?” Jesse was smiling.

That was a relief. It meant he wasn’t suspicious yet. “Just haven’t seen you in a while. Joel’s downstairs having tea with your parents,” she snorted. “What are you drawing?”

He offered her the piece of paper. It looked like a rough outline of what was supposed to be a map. One of the patrol trails that surrounded Jackson. “I told Tommy I’d work on revamping the maps for when they start doing group patrols for the teens. I’m trying to show him I’m serious about patrolling and stuff. He keeps talking about how Maria’s getting tired of making the schedules, and how much she has on her plate…”

“Oh ho— So you’re gunning for Maria’s job,” Ellie teased, sitting down on the bed. 

“Not her whole job,” he backpedaled. “— but I wouldn’t mind a bit more responsibility, like maybe running the group patrols, or helping someone else run them. I like Tommy, Eugene, Brian, Joel; I don’t want them to always see me as some dumb kid. You know what I mean?” 

She shrugged. No way Tommy and Joel were ever going to look at her and not see a kid, but Ellie got what he meant. It was already going to be hard enough to convince her dad to let her patrol next year when she turned sixteen.

“I can help if you want. Drawing maps is easy. I don’t even need all my fingers.” She smirked and wiggled her taped digits. 

“I was hoping you would say that.” He grinned back. 

They were a good chunk of the way through the outline he’d been working on when Ellie realized why there was discomfort churning in her lower belly. Why this felt so familiar. “You know, I used to help Isaac with his drawings sometimes,” she commented, distracting herself by shading in a patch of buildings.

Jesse didn’t say anything.

“That’s what we were doing the night he died. He asked me to help him finish a drawing.”

“Ellie…” her friend trailed off. “Do you mind if we don’t talk about Isaac? I’d rather focus on moving forward. Getting the maps done. Keeping things running smoothly. Not dwelling on the past…”

She set the sketch book down. “Wasn’t it you who gave me shit for hiding away and not talking to anyone after he died?” Ellie questioned accusingly. “Now you’re the one who doesn’t want to talk about it.” 

“No,” he argued back. “That was Dina. I was the one who got you out of the doghouse with her.”

The doghouse. That was the term her dad and her uncle used to describe when Maria was mad at Tommy. “— And that was only a glimpse of it,” Jesse explained. “You’re not dating her, so you don’t know what Dina can be like sometimes. It’s always: ‘I bet you feel like this… I bet you feel like that…’ but she doesn’t even give me a chance to talk. She just assumes.”

That was something that Ellie liked about her best friend. It helped that she didn’t always have to find the words to explain herself. It was comforting that Dina often seemed to know what was wrong without being told. 

“Well… How are you feeling?” Ellie tried. Giving Dina a chance to tell her side of the story had worked the other day. Maybe it would work with Jesse too. They were a couple… sort of, so they must be alike in some ways.

“Tired of people asking me that question,” he said, but then sighed and seemed to re-think his answer.

“I’m tired of feeling like I’m not doing enough. I tried so hard with Isaac. I thought if he kept opening up… If I could get him to keep talking about it… He was making so much progress with his mom, just in the way he thought about her, and he started bringing up his dad all the time… I thought our friendship was a good thing for him. I didn’t want to push him away by telling my parents, or telling his mom everything he said.”

“I know what you mean. That’s what happened with me and Cat. I didn’t want to break her trust and now Ron’s dead,” Ellie said. “I mean, I’m not sad about it. He deserved to die, but if I’d said something sooner, he probably wouldn’t’ve done everything that he did before he died…”

“Fuck. That’s a tough one too,” Jesse cleared his throat, “—but it’s really hard to know what to do in those situations, especially at your age. I know we don’t tend to get too deep into anything that happened before Jackson, but I can tell you’ve been through some shit, so I don’t think you should blame yourself.”

At her age? 

Ellie raised an eyebrow. “Do you even hear yourself right now?” she asked. “You’re two years older than me. Not even. Like one and a half, but you just got done blaming yourself for Isaac.”

“That’s different,” he interrupted, sitting up straighter. “Ellie, I grew up safe. I have two parents who love me. Obviously, I’ve seen people die. Everyone has, but until Isaac, nobody I’ve cared for has ever died like that. My grandparents passed away from old age. You grew up alone; you didn’t even have Joel until a year ago, so it makes sense you’d have a hard time figuring out the right thing to do… But me?— I know what I’m supposed to do when someone I love is in trouble, or hurting, or says they wanna fucking kill themself.”

Jesse was getting heated now. “I’ve lived such a sheltered life, and I feel like because of that, I should be looking out for the people who haven’t been as lucky. Like you, or like Isaac… or Dina. She had such a fucked up childhood and I feel like sometimes she doesn’t know what’s good for her. Like I have to set boundaries to make sure I’m not just another person who hurts her…”

Ellie rolled her eyes. Why did everything always have to come back to this?

“Jesse, if you’re talking about like… sex, or whatever,” she whispered, stifling the autonomic quickening in her nervous system. “…Dina wants to do it with you. She’s literally begging to, and you know her, she’s so sure of herself— emotionally I mean. I think the worst thing you can do is tell her how she should feel. Like Joel says… all those bad things that happened to her took away her power to choose, and now she’s trying to make a choice, and you’re basically saying she’s too dumb to decide for herself.”

“Whose side are you on?” Jesse glared, but it was more playful that anything.

Dina’s, Ellie answered in her head, but she wasn’t going to say it out loud. He could make his own assumptions.

He paused, then loudly blew out his breath. “I know, ok? Since August, it’s just been hard to separate what’s true versus what I’m making up in my head. I’m not sure how to describe it.”

Ellie frowned and picked up the map off the bed again to start drawing out the shoreline along the creek.

“Have you ever heard of post-traumatic stress?” she asked, sending a silent thank you down to Joel, and hoping Dina wouldn't be too mad at her for getting involved. 

Chapter Text

“What are you drawing?” Esther peered at the sketch book that sat balanced on Ellie’s knees, his daughter’s brows furrowed with concentration as she scribbled away with one of the new charcoal pencils Tommy had gifted her; that boy sure knew how to keep her spoiled.

“It’s supposed to be you and Joel riding Cowgirl and Pluto,” she said, handing the book over for the woman to see, “— but I’m just doing the outline right now, so you can’t really tell.”

His girl was too modest with her art. She’d only been scratching lines for a few minutes but Joel could already see two figures, a male and a female atop two horses taking shape. 

The three of them sat in the middle seat of the Fireflies’ large military jeep, Esther on the left, Joel on the right, and Ellie in between them. Cat and Lena were sprawled out in the back, both unconscious, lulled to sleep by the early hour, and by the low hum of the vibrating engine beneath them. 

Esther held the sketch away from her face to take a better look and smiled. “This is beautiful. I can’t wait to see it when it’s done.”

His daughter’s face split into a grin.“You can look at some of the other things I drew,” Ellie said, and Joel got the feeling there might’ve been an ulterior motive behind the offer. A test of interest maybe?

Ellie was still adjusting to the idea of Esther. He was aware that she referred to the woman as his girlfriend behind his back. Maria spilled the beans on that one. Apparently, Marlene had asked Tommy about it the last time she was in town. 

It freaked her out a bit to have Joel openly displaying affection toward someone else: touching, kissing, sitting with his arm around her on the couch. All the things he kept to a minimum— But he suspected that was less to do with jealousy, and more to do with seeing him in the ‘David role,’ which was something that no matter how much they discussed, and no matter how much she’d improved, still came up often enough to be relevant.

“This’ll be the time they decide to cut my brain out and you won’t even notice; you’ll be too busy kissing Esther.” 

The playful jealousy was easier to deal with— A kiss and a snuggle usually did the trick, and Esther, for what it was worth, was understanding to a fault. Since Isaac died, the woman was almost neurotic about making sure Joel’s relationship with Ellie stayed in tact. Like that was her way of preventing history from repeating itself. 

Esther began to slowly flip the pages of the sketch book, asking kind, curious questions that went along with his daughter’s more recent sketches: one of Cat’s dragon tattoo, a few up close practice drawings of Dina’s eyes and nose, and what looked to be a map of one of Jackson’s patrol routes that she was helping Jesse finish. 

“Who’s this?” The woman pointed to a page where the same figure was depicted three times in various states of being. 

“That’s Tess. She was Joel’s…friend from Boston,” Ellie explained. 

Joel snorted at the telling intonation in her voice. His sweet, loyal little girl was trying to keep his secrets. To keep him out of the proverbial doghouse. She didn’t understand that her dad and Esther were too old to bother with concealing such things. They were friends, closer to companions than anything else. They’d both loved and lost; it came with the territory, and there was too much life experience between them for something like that to be a cause for concern. 

He keened his neck to look over his daughter’s shoulder. The sketch wasn’t bad. Her memory’s eye wasn’t perfect on this one; the drawing was a little off, but considering she’d only known Tess for a period of what? Twelve hours?— it was pretty decent. 

“Tess,” the woman repeated, her lips turning up with a knowing smirk. “Alright then.” 

Esther wasn’t exactly the kind of person that his late partner would’ve made nice with on a regular basis; she was too soft spoken, too emotional, but even still, Joel figured Tess would’ve gotten a kick out of how things turned out for him. The dad schtick: this domestic life they’d become so accustomed to. How quickly Ellie had unbalanced his axis and evolved from just cargo, to the center of his universe. 

She’d always accused him of secretly being… What did she call it? A sentimentalist?— Something along those lines.  

He couldn’t help but wonder every now and then whether Tess had it in her. If circumstances were different, and if she’d been given the opportunity, if she would’ve been able to settle in Wyoming, or if she’d’ve continued to push the boundaries. Started a goddamn Jackson underground. Gotten herself all tangled up with Maria. He could see it going either way. 

Joel dragged his mind out of the past as Esther spoke again. “What about this one? This is Marlene right?” she continued, moving onto the next drawing. 

“Mhm— Marlene and Riley.” Ellie pointed to the other figure. “She was my best friend from Boston. The first time they met, Marlene almost fucking killed her,” she laughed. Riley always did bring out an odd sense of humor in her. “She was obsessed with being a Firefly so we used to follow them around, try to help them sometimes, and Marlene didn’t like that— I didn’t realize at the time, but it was because she promised my mom she’d protect me.” 

Ellie paused for a moment, frowned, then slipped lower in her seat. “Marlene actually did kill Riley…” she trailed off. “—not for being annoying, but because she got infected at the same time I did.” She rubbed her bite arm.

Esther made a sympathetic noise, then, noting the change in his daughter’s affect, switched the subject.

“Do you ever draw your mom?” she asked, and Joel had to suppress the urge to groan. At least Ellie could be honest about what happened to Riley now that her immunity was out in the open, but they still held the pretense of Joel as her biological father with Esther— So, whatever turn this conversation was about to take, he knew he’d come out the other end of it looking like an asshole, at least in his own mind. 

“No. I didn’t even know what she looked like till the last time Marlene came to Jackson,” Ellie informed her, “— I can show you a picture of her if you want…”

Please don’t, Joel wanted to say, but he held his tongue. What he should do was sit back and let them bond. Bonding was best done at the expense of someone else, and if his daughter decided to talk about her mother with someone other than the Boston bomber, then she would be all the better for it. 

“…I mean, unless that’s weird?” she questioned, looking back at Joel for approval; she was still trying to protect him, but Esther beat him to it. “No honey, it’s not weird at all,” the woman reassured gently. “I’d love to see.” 

Ellie beamed at her and unzipped the front pocket of her backpack, pulling out the torn photo from its confines. She passed it to Esther, who took the uneven square and held it by its edges, careful not to damage the already aging picture. “That’s her like a year before she had me,” the little girl said factually.

“Jeez. You sure take after your mother, don’t you?” Esther sized the pair of them up. “She looks...”

Young, Joel finished the thought in his head. She looked four years older than his daughter would’ve been in 2019— Anna and Sarah would’ve gone to elementary school at the same time. Ellie’s mom could’ve been Sarah’s lunch supervisor: her reading buddy.

“…just like you,” the woman ended her sentence, and he sighed.

Esther was a bit more liberal about these things, and Ellie found it funny to use their made-up story to tease him. She enjoyed the fact that the age difference between himself and Anna Williams made him squirm. In fact, he suspected that every time he expressed discomfort about their fake scenario, it reassured her in a way that words alone could never do. If it creeped him out, then maybe dad really didn’t think like that. Maybe dad was safe after all.

“That’s what Joel says. Sarah looked like her mom too, right?” Ellie asked, wriggling around in her seat, hyperactivity beginning to set in the further they got into their half-day journey. It wouldn’t be long before she was twisting and shifting, bouncing off the walls of the jeep and setting the Firefly driver Isaac’s teeth on edge. Poor Esther had been a bit caught off guard during that introduction. 

“Sure did,” Joel reaffirmed. His daughter tilted her head to the side and shot Esther a curious look. “Did Isaac look more like you or Byron?” 

“Baby—” He tried to stop her, but the woman held up a hand. “It’s fine, Joel,” she stressed.

Oh, is it now? Cos it don’t seem to stay fine for very long… 

The stubborn woman always insisted that she wanted to talk about her son. That she didn’t want Ellie to be afraid to mention him, but she ended up in tears every single time. Joel wasn’t tryin’ to give her the message that she shouldn’t remember her boy. Blocking out Sarah for twenty years hadn’t done him an ounce of good neither, but surely there were better ways to go about it than allowing a fifteen-year-old girl with no filter and no concept of boundaries to direct the conversation. 

“I’d say he was a pretty even mix of both of us,” she said, steady so far despite her use of the past tense. “He had my hair and my eyes, thank God because Byron had terrible eyesight. One was bad enough. I don’t know what we would’ve done if we’d had to try and find glasses for Isaac too.” Ellie was quiet as she listened. “He had his father’s attitude though; they were both smart asses. Always had to have the last word.”

Esther swallowed, then turned her gaze to the window. After a moment of silence, she seemed to collect herself, then glanced down at the photo of Anna again before passing it back to Ellie. “You know, I didn’t ever plan on having kids,” she said, and that piqued his daughter’s interest. 

“Really?” she asked. 

Joel had already heard this story, but he had a feeling the woman was about to try and drive home a point, one that his daughter needed to hear.

“Really,” Esther answered. “I was in my thirties and I’d never been comfortable with babies. Never knew how to talk to kids. When I realized I was pregnant, I didn’t say anything for the longest time. Byron was the one who had to point it out once I started showing.”

“I’ve never met anyone pregnant in real life before,” Ellie commented, leaning back against Joel’s arm, the topic already beginning to make her a little antsy. “Does it hurt?” 

He wasn’t all that surprised. Havin’ babies wasn’t as common as it used to be. They were far enough into the end of the world that if starvation didn’t uproot an accidental pregnancy, some crackpot doctor in the back of an abandoned FEDRA clinic would.

“It’s uncomfortable,” the woman admitted, “—especially near the end when they’re kicking, and rolling around all the time.” 

The little girl tipped her head back and shot him a disturbed look.

“It’s true, baby girl,” Joel said playfully. “Sometimes they punch and kick their Mamas so hard you can see the outline of all those little fingers and toes right through the skin.” He poked her belly.

Ellie squealed and tucked away from him, curling into a ball. “Shut up. You’re such a gross liar.”

“That’s actually not a lie,” Esther confirmed. “I used to think Isaac was trying to fight his way out of me through my ribs. Like some sort of demon baby.”

His daughter slid onto her knees on the floor of the jeep, burying her face in her arms which were still flat against the seat. “That’s fucking weird.”

The woman chuckled. “What’s really weird is when they’re born. They’re all red, wrinkly and hairy.” 

Ellie made another face. “Did you see Sarah getting born?” she asked Joel, both horrified and curious at the same time. She usually tried to put on more of a mature front with Esther; it said something that she was letting her guard down a bit.

“Nope. Didn’t get there on time.”

Esther raised an eyebrow at him from the other window. “She was three weeks early, and I was workin’ an overtime shift at the Home Depot. I didn’t have my phone on me. By the time I managed to drive across town, she was already cleaned off, wrapped up and waiting.” 

“Like me,” Ellie said, and shit— when she put it that way… Missing Sarah’s birth had always been something that Joel regretted. Even more so now that she was gone, but leave it to his girl to put her own sweet little spin on it. “Like you,” he repeated, thumbing her chin affectionately. She could be so damn cute sometimes. 

“My mom didn’t like babies or kids either,” his daughter said with a shrug, trying to act all nonchalant about it. Joel wasn’t sure if he should intervene or not. “That’s what she said in her letter anyways.”

He’d never seen this letter. Ellie hadn’t shared it with him, and Joel didn’t ask. Talkin’ to her about her Mama never seemed to go very well for him.

“I’m sure all that changed the moment she saw your face.” Esther gave her a sad smile. Sometimes the woman smiled to cover pain, and he recognized that look in her eyes now. “It did for me anyways. I wouldn’t put Isaac down for days after he was born. I was so scared something would happen to him if I did.” 

Ellie shrugged. “I dunno.” She was still sitting on the floor of the jeep in front of them, her back to the console. “It’s probly not like that for everyone. Sarah’s mom didn’t love her.”

“That ain’t true.” Joel shook his head. He could see why she would think that, and of course that was his fault. Unless she’d been talkin’ to Tommy, what little Ellie knew of Erin had to’ve come from him, and Joel didn’t tend to paint a very nice picture of his ex-wife. “There were a lot of reasons why Erin left Sarah, but none of ‘em were because she didn’t love her,” he said sternly. 

That was what he used to tell his daughter anyways. Joel had learned early on that sometimes loving someone just wasn’t enough.

“Ok, well, I guess I’m just stupid and don’t know anything then.” Ellie scowled, defensive now, her shoulders tight as she looked away from him.

“Ellie—” Did they really need to do this right now? 

“I don’t think that’s what your dad’s trying to say at all,” Esther interjected. The woman patted the seat next to her. “Why don’t you come sit here and tell me a bit more about this letter you have,” she suggested.

Joel was surprised by her boldness. He felt almost out of place. About as useful to the conversation as Cat and Lena snoring away in the back, or Isaac, stoic and silent as ever at the wheel. 

Ellie appeared suspicious, but did what she was told, crawling back up to sit in between them, closer to Esther than to Joel. “It’s in my backpack, if you want to see,” she said quietly. “I brought it because Dina thinks I should try talking about her more to Marlene.”

Esther nodded, and Joel watched his daughter retrieve the folded piece of paper from her bag and hand it over. She kept her back to him as she did so. It didn’t take long for the woman to skim Anna’s message, and when she was finished, she shot Ellie a concerned, pitying look. “Oh honey—” she started. “This is not what you think it is. Not at all.”

“You don’t know that. You didn’t even know her,” Ellie snapped, scowl deepening. “Joel didn’t even know her.”

The woman appraised her for a minute, then she gentled her face even further and cleared her throat. “C'mere for a sec,” Esther instructed, holding an arm out to his daughter, whose brows were pressed together with indecision. “Just for a second,” she reassured.

Ellie slid into the crook of the woman’s elbow, her body still tense as she folded her knees up to her chest.

“Now close your eyes,” Esther hushed, combing the little girl’s hair back with her fingers in a rhythmic, comforting motion. It seemed like Ellie had decided to trust her. She was starting to relax, her eyes shut and her head resting against the woman’s shoulder.

Esther held the letter off to the side and started to read. “Ellie, I'm going to share a secret with you, I'm not a big fan of kids and I hate babies. And yet... I'm staring at you and I'm just awestruck,” she inflected. “You're not even a day old and holding you is the most incredible thing I've done in my life - a life that is about to get cut a little short.”

The woman read Anna’s note in a smooth tone, like a bedtime story, and his daughter squeezed her eyes shut tighter. She turned her face into Esther’s collarbone, obviously affected by the words as she continued on to the next part, which was about trusting Marlene. Not giving the woman a hard time.

Hate to break it to you Anna, but it seems to be the other way around.

“Try not to be as stubborn as me. I'm not going to lie, this is a pretty messed up world. It won't be easy. The thing you always have to remember is that,” Esther flipped the note over, “—life is worth living! Find your purpose and fight for it. I see so much strength in you. I know you'll turn out to be the woman you're meant to be.” 

“—Forever... your loving mother, Anna.” By the time Esther reached the end of the letter, there were tears streaming down Ellie’s cheeks. She sucked the snot back into her nose and soaked up the wetness with her sleeves. Joel’s throat was thick with emotion. His daughter had been holding onto this for so long. 

“I know what she said, but what if she was lying?” Ellie’s bottom lip trembled. He had to give major props to Esther; the woman didn’t even know about Ellie’s father, and yet she was still so patient and understanding with her. “This is not a letter from a woman who doesn’t love her child,” Esther said with conviction. 

Ellie swallowed. “But she wanted me to make her proud and I’m not,” she whispered, her voice soft and hoarse. “What’s there to even be proud of? Getting raped and going fucking crazy from it? Or getting post-traumatic stress I mean—” she added before Joel could correct her. “Should I be proud of killing a bunch of people?” 

“It’s not what happened to you that matters,” Esther soothed, rubbing her arm, “—it’s the fact that you survived. You have every right to be proud of that, sweetheart, and I know your mom would be too.”

The little girl scrubbed her eyes and nodded, like maybe she finally understood. 

It was complicated; there was a whole other layer to this that the woman didn’t know about, but she’d managed to make her point. If Ellie could believe that she was born into love despite everything that her mother had been through, then maybe it would start to silence some of those voices. Maybe it would take her one step closer to closing that cycle of pain. The idea that she’d been clinging to since Marlene revealed the truth about her conception, that she was born of evil, or destined to be hurt.

Esther blew out her breath in a long exhale and patted Ellie’s back. “Why don’t you go on over there and give your dad a hug. I think he feels left out,” she said, trying to lighten the mood. His daughter cracked a small smile, and stretched her feet out so that they rested in his lap.

“There,” she said stubbornly, still laying against the woman’s side. “A foot hug.”

Joel snorted and Isaac eyed them in the rear-view mirror. This was gonna be a long trip. It was in that moment, when the emotional roller coaster had come to an end, that Cat opened her eyes. The girl stretched and yawned, then sat up in the backseat. “Are we there yet?” 

Chapter Text

Joel was going to be SO mad when he found them, but in Ellie’s defense, she was still recovering from the mental breakdown she’d had all over Esther on the way here, and Cat… well, Cat was Cat.

She only had two puffs, maybe three before she passed the joint back to her friend— But Eugene dished out the good stuff; it was strong, and she hadn’t smoked since before Riley died, which meant that fifteen minutes into their sneaky janitor’s closet rendezvous and Ellie’s legs were already wobbly, her belly aching with the remnants of laughter. 

“Can I see it again?” Cat whispered, glancing down at her sweater sleeve, a string light bulb glowing above them, illuminating the small space with a wane, yellow glow. She snubbed the joint on the floor. 

They were surrounded by mop buckets and cleaning supplies, the industrial kind: pails of Cloralen and Uline, like they used to use at school. Scrubbing the floors was one of the worst forms a detention could take. Ellie would’ve rather done burpees until she dropped, or been on truck washing duty than disinfect those shiny, white floors. Not only did the bleach sting her eyes, but it stained her pants and sleeves and they never had enough clothes to begin with— If she wore shorts, the chemicals dried out her knees and her skin would start to peel.

Ellie rolled up her cuff and offered her arm out to the other girl. Cat grabbed her wrist to examine the bubbling set of teeth marks with squinted, scrutinizing eyes— Because she was so used to the marijuana, she was better at powering through its effects.

“You know…” Cat trailed off. “I could probably tattoo over this— And if you poured something on it, like some kind of acid, then let it heal— then let me cover it with ink, you wouldn’t even be able to tell it used to be a bite mark. You could wear short sleeves.” 

“Uh…” Her brows creased with concentration as she worked to process what her friend was saying. “That would actually be pretty sweet. I was sweating balls all summer working at the construction site.”

The construction site: Joel. Would Joel let me get a tattoo?

Cat stood up. “I don’t think bleach would be strong enough; we’d need like… battery acid or something. Do you think they’d have that here?” She started rooting through the shelves, checking the labels on bottles, reading the warnings.

“Wait— We can’t do it here,” Ellie hissed, scrambling to her feet and grabbing hold of her friend’s arm to stop her from looking. “My dad would fucking murder me; he’s already going to murder me, you don’t even know—” 

“Oh my God, Ellie,” Cat cut her off with a laugh. “It’s your body; you should get to decide what you do with it. I’m so tired of people trying to tell me what to do with mine— like fuck. It was already bad enough that my uncle took my virginity. Dr. Eric told my mom I shouldn’t smoke weed anymore, even though it’s the only thing that works to help me forget. Now, this new doctor wants to stick his hands inside me, and nobody gives a shit how I feel about it…”

Ellie wasn’t high enough to miss the edge of hysteria in her friend’s voice. 

“I know,” she stressed, her head spinning with the effort it took to remain serious right now. “—and you should get to decide. Joel even believes that.” He’d told Esther as much when they were hiding from the Fireflies at the Jackson stables, and he’d always said that about the vaccine: the surgery, the endless needles and procedures. 

Her body, her choice. All Cat was doing was trying to turn her problems into Ellie’s problems, but her friend didn’t understand the first thing about Joel. She didn’t even know him. 

“I can’t do anything to my bite mark right now anyways. Dr. Anderson might still need to study it or something.” She couldn’t be selfish. Ellie had to think of Riley— Of Tess and Sam— Isaac’s dad. She was just fucking talking about her mom with Esther. About making her proud. That was more important than getting to wear short sleeves in the summer.

Cat let out a heavy sigh and sank back down, leaning against the wall of the closet. When Ellie sat beside her, the girl huffed again and tilted her head to rest on Ellie’s shoulder, short black hair splaying out across her neck. “You’re right. I’m sorry,” she said. “I just wish everyone would stop trying to decide things for me.”

“It’s ok.” She frowned. “I get it.”

“— And the worst part is, that even when I did get to decide, I didn’t decide right. I didn’t fight back. I let him hurt me, and I let him hurt you. You told me to get the gun from him, but I was too scared, and because of that, he almost killed you in front of everyone.” Cat sniffled. She wiped her cheeks with the tattered sleeve of her burgundy crop top. “You were so brave, and it was like I was frozen.”

“I think that’s normal,” Ellie said softly. “Everyone, especially at school, always talked about fight or flight. They tried to teach us how to push back on our flight reflexes, cos it was military school, and FEDRA doesn’t want people in uniform running away from danger all the time— But I think there’s something else that happens too, when you’re so beaten… you know you’re not gonna win, no matter what you do.”

Ellie’s head was pounding; her brain full of cotton as she reached deep into the recesses of her memory. Into that Colorado blizzard. The crowded, smoky chalet where time stood still and the seconds seemed to stretch on forever. At least the weed made it feel distant somehow, less vivid and easier to recall without panicking. 

“When it happened to me, I fought really hard to get away at first, but after I realized it was pointless, my body stopped working. There were a couple times when I could’ve tried to get up— Maybe rolled away or started fighting again, but I just didn’t…” She shrugged. “Joel says it’s natural, and that I shouldn’t feel guilty.” 

He used to tell her that before the winter too. In Pittsburgh, when they had to stand back and watch those tourists get bulldozed by the hunters there. Intervening would’ve killed them both. He told her in more subtle ways too when he would steer her in the opposite direction of starving, feral dogs in the street. “They’ll make meals out of your fingers and toes,” he’d say to make her laugh, but the message was clear: 

Sometimes doing nothing is the only way to survive. 

“So, you’re not mad at me?” Cat asked, staring at her knees. “I feel like everyone’s mad at me now. My mom… She doesn’t say it, but all she ever does is cry when I’m not looking.” 

Lena had been tired and lethargic for the past couple weeks, like she’d never really gotten over the effects of the drugs Ron gave her. Ellie overheard Maria telling Joel that the woman only came out of their guest room to eat or use the bathroom and that it was getting worse, not better. She’d stopped going to the laundromat to help Robin in the mornings. Started snapping at Cat, getting short with her when she tried to talk about her feelings. Every day was a blowout: family dinner 2.0.

“Of course I’m not mad at you,” she reassured, “— and you did help. You hit him over the head with that lamp. I almost got the gun; I would’ve if Tommy and Joel hadn’t distracted me.”

Her friend shot her a small, grateful grimace. “Thanks for being so nice to me.”

Ellie didn’t know how she was supposed to respond to that. It kinda seemed like a dick move to say, “You’re welcome.” Like there was a reason she shouldn’t be nice to the girl or something, so all she did was lean further into their comfortable side embrace. 

Cat let out an anxious snort at the contact, then shifted to face her. There was some awkward, hard to read emotion dancing behind her brown irises. “Is it ok if I decide one more thing for myself before we go back out there?” she asked breathlessly, inching closer.

Ellie’s heart skipped a beat inside her chest. She didn’t need to start guessing to understand what Cat meant by that. Nervous anticipation fluttered in her belly.

A thousand tiny butterflies. 

“It’s ok,” she whispered, and the girl closed the short distance between them, pressing her lips to Ellie’s with a gentle, coaxing pressure. She inhaled sharply, and her friend pulled back. Even with the poor lighting, she could tell that Cat was blushing, a closed mouth smile spreading across her face. 

The knob turned, and the door to the hospital closet burst open, Lena’s face appearing in the frame. The girls jumped apart, startled by the intrusion. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” the woman growled, raking her fingers through her short pixie cut. “It reeks in here. Cat, you know how Ellie’s dad feels about the weed. Not to mention running off without telling him; he’s freaking out.” She gestured down the hall. 

“I know but—”

“No buts,” Lena snapped back, cutting her daughter off. “Joel and Dr. Anderson are doing us a huge favor letting us come here to have these tests done, and this is how we’re gonna repay them? Really?”

It was like Ellie wasn’t even there.

“Not to mention the fact that Tommy and Maria have been letting us stay with them… They could’ve kicked us out on our asses. Kicked us out of Jackson. You realize that, don’t you?”

“Well, it’s not like I wanted any of this to happen in the first place—” Cat argued, their moment of peace long forgotten as her hackles went up, her voice raised and defensive. “I didn’t ask Uncle Ron to go fucking crazy like that!”

“Neither did I!” 

“Ellie, Jesus Christ—” Joel cursed, spotting her. “I have been lookin’ everywhere for you.” He and Esther were drawn into the hallway by the shouting, and she saw the exact moment her dad caught the scent of the weed wafting in his direction, contaminating the air around them now that the closet doors were open. 

The tendons in his neck twitched, his eyes narrowing as he approached. Esther stayed a few paces behind him, her expression set in a permanent, sympathetic wince. Ellie shrunk back. 

Joel eyed Cat and Lena, then stepped into her space, taking her chin firmly between his fingers to examine her eyes.

“Best get back to the room,” he ordered, his tone devoid of emotion. Her dad was being purposefully vacant. He had to know that the emptiness scared her more than if he were yelling.

“Joel—” She cringed, but he gave her one sharp shake of the head. “Back to the room,” he repeated. 

It was better not to argue with him in front of all these people; that would only make him angrier. Still, even though he was stone cold, the memory of Cat’s lips pressed against hers kept her warm, a glowing heat spreading down into her extremities, her blood pressure elevated. Maybe that part was the weed— At the end of the day, it didn’t matter what Joel did. He was her dad; he could yell and bluster, punish her if he wanted to, but he couldn’t take that kiss away. Ellie wouldn’t let him.

Chapter Text

“Ellie, I’m gonna need you to quit arguin’ with me,” Joel told her. “I said no, and you are treadin’ on some mighty thin ice already here. Whining about it ain’t gonna make me change my mind.” 

She flopped down onto the hospital bed with a loud sigh. “Why can’t I? You heard Cat; she wants me to go with her. She’s scared of the exam.”

Joel sighed too, but he sounded more tired than irritated as he crouched in front of her, then hooked his hands behind her knees and let them rest there. “I know it don’t make sense to you, ‘specially when your mind’s all scrambled like this, but it’s better in the long run for Lena to be there for Cat right now. You’ve gotta trust me on this one.” 

When her mind was all scrambled? It was like… three puffs of a joint. 

“But why?” she insisted. “Lena’s not even helping Cat. She just makes her feel guilty.” 

Ellie was kind of hoping that Esther would take her side on this one. That she would tell her dad to stop being so ANNOYING, but the woman was quiet. For a while it seemed like she felt differently than Joel about the whole ‘hot boxing the storage closet’ situation, sympathetic even— But every time he acted pissed at her, Esther pretended not to notice, becoming suspiciously intrigued by one of the counters displaying medical supplies: gloves, masks, tongue depressors, and a blood pressure cuff.

Joel gentled his tone even further. “Honey, Lena’s grieving. They both are. It’s a confusing time for them, and it’s best we stay out of it and let them figure out how to be a family again now that Ron ain’t in the picture.”

“Do you think he even regretted it?” Ellie asked, scowling at her legs. “Like he practically raised Lena, then he raised Cat too and he still didn’t care about hurting them. It’s like if I had a baby from David or whatever and it was a girl— and you helped me raise her, then when she got to be my age, you randomly decided to be attracted to her.” 

Except if she had a baby right now, by the time it was fifteen, Joel would be like sixty-five: Eugene’s age. “Can people that old even have sex?”

Esther laughed, but tried to stifle it, and her dad’s mouth contorted in a wince. “Ellie—”  

Heat pulsed in her throat at his rejection, the flush spreading into her face, prickling in the corners of her eyes. Why did he have to make her feel stupid? “I can’t control what comes into my head,” she snapped. “And you’re the one who said it’s normal for me to think fucked up thoughts like that. You said it’s post-traumatic stress, and now you’re mad at me for it—” Her head was still working in overdrive. 

“Alright— alright,” Joel stopped her. “Easy girl. Look at my face. Does it look like I’m mad?” he asked. 

“You are about the weed,” she grumbled, brows still furrowed in a defensive glare. “Ain’t that I’m mad,” her dad countered. “I’m disappointed in you for makin’ that choice is all. Thought you were smarter than that.” 

Ouch. 

“You’re such an asshole.” Ellie jabbed him in the ribs with her sock feet, then threw herself face first onto the bed so he wouldn’t look at her. Disappointed? Who the fuck did he think he was, Tommy? Her uncle was the one who said condescending shit like that to make people feel guilty; that was supposed to be the part about his brother that Joel hated most.

“Hey—” Joel chided, but she kept her nose buried in the thin, hospital pillow and gave him the middle finger.

“Why don’t I go check on Cat and Lena?” Esther suggested from the spot where she was now standing by the door. “Give you two a chance to talk.”

“No… Esther—” Ellie whined. “Don’t leave me alone with him.” She turned onto her side and reached out an arm, but the woman just gave her an amused look. It wasn’t fucking funny. Joel was literally going to beat her up— But she didn’t push the issue because even if she was smiling, Esther always seemed a little bit withdrawn, or sad whenever Ellie and Joel played together. Like it hurt to watch or something. Maybe she needed an excuse to be alone.

See? Could a high person reason all that out? 

“You should go talk to her,” Ellie told him as the woman left. Her dad exhaled. “Why? So you can run off with Cat again and give me another heart attack? Esther’s a grown woman; she don’t need me followin’ her around all the time,” he explained, then sat down in the chair next to the bed, letting out a loud, old man groan as he did so. 

“But I do—?” 

Joel cut her off with a raised eyebrow before she could finish, as though her current state spoke for itself. He was being so dramatic, but it wasn’t like Ellie expected any less.

“Ok DAD, it’s not that big a deal. I just did it because… I don’t know why I did it actually— But I mean, it wasn’t that irresponsible compared to what Cat wanted me to do… I’ll tell you sometime when you’re not so ‘disappointed in me,’” she said with finger quotations.

There was no way she was going to convince him to let her burn off her bite mark and get a tattoo right now, not like this.

“— Besides, it kinda worked out in my favor because Cat kissed me while we were in the closet, which is a bit ironic if you think about it,” Ellie laughed. It didn’t make sense to hide the encounter from Joel. Last time she tried to hide something from him, she ended up in the middle of standoff between Tommy and Ron. Her dad’s mouth fell open at the revelation. “Uh…”

“The closet… Get it?” Ellie pushed. 

“Yeah, I get it,” he said, rubbing his forehead like it hurt. “It’s just… I thought you liked Dina,” Joel offered, creases forming between his eyes as he pointed to her rocket ship necklace. “You haven’t taken that thing off since your birthday.”

Damn. He was bringing out the big guns. “I mean… I do. Thanks so much for reminding me. Dina’s like, fucking perfect or whatever, but she cries herself to sleep every night about Jesse. She’s not thinking about me like that. She doesn’t even think about girls like that.” 

“But Cat does?” he questioned, still unsure of himself. Ellie shrugged. “I dunno. She says she does, and she kissed me, not the other way around.”

“Right…” he acknowledged slowly. “— And you feel ready to be doin’ that?” 

Double ouch.

“What do you mean? Doing what?” She played dumb. Ellie wanted him to explain it to her. Her dad cleared his throat awkwardly. “Well, bein’ intimate with people,” he clarified. “You’re comfortable with that?”

“Holy fuck, you’re such a dork,” she cackled, kicking him again, more playfully this time. “We weren’t being intimate, Joel. We just kissed, for like… one and a half seconds— And I’ve kissed other people before!” Ellie defended, then her mind caught up with her mouth and she said, “…One person: Riley. I kissed Riley.”

He held his hands up in surrender. “Alright. All I’m tryin’ to say here is that startin’ up like this with someone is a big decision… It could affect the rest of you’re life, and I’d rather you be careful an’ clear-headed when you’re makin’ those choices…”

“Says the guy who had a baby at seventeen.” 

Joel snorted, then made a wide, sweeping motion over himself. “Case and point.”

Ellie sat up on her knees. “Re—lax,” she told him, slipping into a loud, exaggerated drawl. “Cat’s a girl, not some old, pervert man yours or Tommy’s age, and just in case you don’t know how it works, lesbians-can’t-have-babies—”

There was a knock at the door, and Dr. Anderson poked his head into the room. “I hope I’m not interrupting,” he apologized, his cheeks upturned like maybe he’d heard what they were talking about. She wasn’t exactly being quiet.

“I don’t think now’s the best time for this doc—” Joel began, but Ellie rolled her eyes. “It’s FINE. I’m fine.”

“She’s high,” her dad tattled on her.

The doctor’s lips formed an O.“I see,” he allowed, and Ellie was prepared to go to battle. He would be such a hypocrite if he gave her shit for smoking weed when his own daughter did it the last time she was in Jackson. Unless he didn’t know. Was it really fair of her to rat on Abby to get herself out of trouble? The girl wasn’t her friend, but she wasn’t her enemy either.

Dr. Anderson didn’t give her shit though. All he did was nod his acknowledgment, then he smiled and said, “We can work with that. I just need to go through my regular questions and do my routine exam, then we’ll get some IV fluids into you before we do your scans.”

“Did you see Cat already?” she asked. He hummed politely and shook his head. “Nope. I’ll head there after I’m done here.”

Ellie glanced at Joel for back up. “Ok, well she’s nervous. A doctor in Reno already did tests like whatever you have to do on her once before, and he was an asshole about it, so don’t touch her or anything without telling her what you’re doing first.” 

“I’m sure the doc knows what he’s doin’,” Joel tried to reassure, but her dad didn’t understand. Ellie didn’t even remember the exam Dr. Anderson did on her and it still made her nauseous to think back on it. It was the first thing that popped into her head every time she saw him.

As though he could sense her contempt, the doctor shot her a comforting look. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll keep that in mind when I see her.”

She crossed her arms over her chest and nodded her approval. He held his clipboard in front of his face, writing something at the top of one of the pages. “Alright Ellie, can you start by telling me if there have been any changes to your health since I last saw you?”

Joel made a grunting noise to get the doctor’s attention. “She’s got a broken finger.”

“I can answer my own questions,” Ellie shot back rudely, holding up the taped digits. “I broke my pinky.” Dr. Anderson ignored their banter, holding out his hand to inspect the damage; she didn’t pull away. Like Joel, if she refused now, he would only insist on seeing it later. “How’d you do that?” he asked mildly. Passive instead of disapproving. 

Her dad sat back and gestured at her to explain. She could tell he was unimpressed by her attitude. “Punching a cement block,” Ellie said, her tone flat. The doctor wrote that down. “Alright,” he said, then continued. “Anything else? You’ve been eating enough? Getting regular periods?”

Heat cut through the cushiony haze in her mind, singeing her cheeks. “Yeah, I guess…” she trailed off. 

“Good. What about spotting between periods?” 

“What?” Ellie drew her knees up to her chest and looked at Joel; she was fully expecting him to make some sarcastic comment about how now she wanted his help, but he didn’t. Instead, her dad’s lips formed a thin grimace and he leaned forward. “He’s askin’ if you ever bleed after your period’s over, or before it starts,” Joel explained. He was always so gentle with her, even when Ellie wasn’t gentle with him. 

“Oh… no.” She wrinkled her nose. Ellie probably would’ve been sketched out and told her dad if she did. It wasn’t even embarrassing to tell him stuff like that anymore. Not since the ultimate humiliation of ruining Esther’s towel, and forcing him to help clean the blood off her legs the first time. “Why do we always have to talk about this?” she demanded, turning back to Dr. Anderson. What the fuck did bleeding out of her you-know-where every month have to do with her immunity?

The man was the definition of patient. “A regular menstrual cycle can tell me a lot about your overall health,” he explained. “It rules out hormonal imbalances, and conditions like pelvic-inflammatory disease. Those things are common in someone with your history.” With her history? Was he talking about the David stuff? Probably, because it wasn’t like there were a whole bunch of alive, non-infected people running around with a history of CBI. 

“I’d like to run some tests on your kidneys to make sure they’re back up to normal function, but before I do, I’m going to listen to your heartbeat, take your blood pressure and ask a few more questions…” He proceeded to quiz her for what felt like a full five minutes about peeing: how often she did it, how much, if there was ever blood in her pee, if her back ever hurt in the same spot it used to, and if her ankles and feet ever swelled.

Dr. Anderson took the dirty, charcoal covered tape off her fingers to examine the bone, then fitted her with a removable blue and black pinky brace. After that, he asked her to take her shirt off so he could do the weird, probing body exam he always did. “Do you want dad to stay in the room, or go out into the hall?” he asked this time.

“Stay,” Ellie said automatically. They were sort of fighting… but not really— And even if they were, she still wouldn’t want to be half-dressed and alone in a room with just Dr. Anderson. He was nice, and he was Abby’s dad, but even David was nice at first. So was Ron. 

It was super awkward laying there in just her bra, a lime green cotton one from a 3-pack Joel brought home for her last month. He’d learned the kinds she would wear, and the kinds she wouldn’t after the first failed attempt. This one was still a bit more childish than she’d normally pick out for herself, but at least it didn’t have any animal pictures on it. 

The doctor didn’t wear gloves; he said it was easier to feel the lymph nodes that way, and this time, when his fingers prodded the side of her chest, Ellie let out a giggle. It tickled more than usual. “Sorry, sweetheart,” Dr. Anderson said, but the more he tried to be gentle, the more it tickled. She arched her back and rolled onto her side, belly-laughing as the sterile bed sheets crinkled beneath her. “See, Joel—” she said between giggles. “I’m being more intimate with Dr. Anderson than I was with Cat today—”

“Ellie—” Her dad dropped his head, and the doctor yanked his hands off her mid-exam and stepped back before he was finished. “Right,” he said. “I think we’re done here for now. You can get dressed, and I’m gonna ask Jen to bring in a bag of fluids for you. How does that sound?” 

Ha! Now Ellie understood why Cat was always getting in trouble for being inappropriate. Dirty jokes were a lot funnier when she couldn’t concentrate on one thing long enough to feel scared or anxious. She snickered into the pillow. 

“I did warn you,” Joel told Dr. Anderson. “She ain’t exactly her normal self.” 

Ellie stuck her tongue out at him. 

The IV was a needle attached to a clear plastic bag that stayed in her arm. It creeped her out to look at it, so she held the arm out to one side and laid on the other. Her dad asked her to, “Please try and get some sleep,” and it took her a while, but eventually she settled down enough to close her eyes. 

When she woke up, Esther still wasn’t back, but her stuff was piled in the chair next to the bed, like she’d returned and left again. Joel had pulled in another one of the same chairs from a different room and was sitting too, but he was awake and had his boots off, feet up on the end of the bed next to Ellie’s. He was reading something, and she squinted to scan the title on the back of the book. ‘Parenting Without Power Struggles,’ by Susan Stiffelman. 

Ugh. Where did he even get that? Ellie’s head was clearer than it had been earlier, her thoughts catching up to her as she realized that someone had taken the IV out of her arm, which meant that she’d completed a full cycle of whatever they were using to hydrate her. It also meant she probably wasn’t high anymore. 

She groaned, then asked, “Is Cat ok?” Joel looked up. “Your friend is gonna be fine. Lena greened her out before the exam. They gave her some Gravol and she’s sleepin’ it off, just like you.” Ellie didn’t know what Gravol was, but it sounded like her dad knew what he was talking about, so she didn’t ask. 

“Poor Dr. Anderson had to deal with both of us,” Ellie chuckled, but Joel didn’t appear amused. “Sorry.” She no longer felt the same urge to be confrontational as she had before. “Are you still disappointed in me?” This time she wasn’t trying to mock him. 

“C’mere.” Her dad put the parenting book down and opened his arms. She crawled over to where his feet were perched and slid across his legs like a bridge, slinking into his lap in the chair. “You’re gettin’ bigger, baby girl,” he said with a frown when she had to squish into his side to fit. “No I’m not,” Ellie grumbled, hiding her face in his neck.

“Tcht.” He petted her hair and let out a low sigh. “Sometimes wish that was true. Wish I could keep you like this forever. Keep you safe, but then I remember you’re growin’ up. You’ve gotta make your own mistakes. There’s gonna be things I can’t protect you from, and there’s gonna be times you ain’t gonna need my help.”

“That’s not even true.” She scowled, walking her fingers over his bicep. “You’re being so grumpy for no reason. That wasn’t even my first time smoking weed. I used to do it with Riley sometimes.” It looked like Joel wanted to say something about that, but chose not to. At the end of the day, he knew that talking badly about her dead friend wasn’t helpful. 

“I am disappointed Ellie,” he said truthfully, “—but I’m glad you didn’t try an’ hide it— And I’m glad you’re bein’ so open with me about what happened between you and Cat. I ain’t mad at you for that, alright? Don’t matter what you do, or how disappointed I am, I’m always gonna be prouder of you for tellin’ the truth.”

“Did you learn that from your weird book?” she teased, and Joel smirked. “Yes actually.” He picked it up and offered it to her. “‘When our children perceive us as steady and calm— regardless of their moods of behavior— they can relax, knowing they can rely on us to get them through the challenging moments of their lives,” he quoted.

“I don’t even know what you just said,” she admitted. Joel blew air out through his nostrils and nuzzled her hair with his beard. “Yeah, me neither, kiddo.”

Chapter Text

Joel slipped Esther’s hair out of its ponytail so he could thread his fingers through it. She had nice, soft hair. He used to need her to manhandle him through this part. Visual, verbal yes cues that were too obvious to ignore— But he was more comfortable reading her now. She tilted her chin so he could run his lips along her jaw; raised her arms over her head so he could pull her shirt off; unbuttoned her jeans so he knew it was ok to slide them down her legs. 

There was an edge to their fucking that was never present before Isaac’s death. It used to be cordial. Polite. Give and take. The woman was never big on intimacy until that night. When Ellie was away on her camping trip with Tommy: the night before her son died. The touching and kissing. Those were things she never used to enjoy.

Now, it was like she wanted to punish herself with them. For him to punish her. Hold her close; pin her down; bruise her lips with his. Joel tried not to think too hard about why that might be. She was a consenting adult; she could make her own decisions. Who was he to tell her she was wrong? 

It wasn’t a dynamic he was used to, especially not after Tess, but for Joel, pleasure was dependent on the responses of the other person. It had always been like that to some extent, but the need had intensified now, since Colorado. He liked to see her eyes squeeze shut and her lips part. Feel her inner walls clench and pulse around him. Trace along the arch of her back with his fingers. 

Anything less and it bothered him. Brought him to a head space he didn’t care to be in— It was a delicate balance: what she needed versus what he could give her, but he was trying. 

As Joel re-did the buttons on his shirt, still breathing heavy, Esther snapped herself back into her bra and said, “I was chatting with one of the nurses today: that woman Jen who came to Jackson.” He grunted politely in acknowledgment, waiting to see what else she had to say. She was always so talkative after sex. They hadn’t spoken much; she’d been gone for most of the afternoon, only returning to his daughter’s room briefly to change and set her bag down. 

Ellie wanted to be there when Cat woke up from her weed coma, but she’d banished dad from the room, reminding him that it would probably be uncomfortable for her friend to regain consciousness around so many people, not to mention someone else’s father watching over her. Joel didn’t like the idea of leaving his girl alone both in this hospital, and with Lena in charge, but Esther teamed up with Ellie to coax him away. He wasn’t fooled; while the woman kept a low profile in front of his daughter to give them the illusion of privacy, she was a 5-star meddler in his affairs.

“She mentioned that they’re bringing that other Firefly doctor in from Catalina Island in the next few months; her and Dr. Anderson are going to use what they’ve learned from Ellie’s samples to start phase one of their vaccine trials.” 

“Now hold on.” Joel’s hackles went up. “I didn’t sign up for ‘vaccine trials,’ and no matter what Ellie says, I know she ain’t ready for—”

“Easy soldier; guns down.” Esther cut him off, putting a hand on his shoulder. “From the sounds of it, it doesn’t seem like they need Ellie for that part at all. They’ve got their science-y ideas about what causes her immunity, and they’ve got lots of samples… I think they’re going to try and replicate the process somehow. If this phase one fails, then they’ll probably have to do more testing on Ellie to find out why.” 

“Huh,” he let out. “Well, good then. That’ll make her happy.”

Truthfully, Joel never expected much out of this cure business. He still didn’t believe it was possible, but if they could do whatever they planned on doing without hacking his daughter to pieces, then all the power to ‘em. It irritated him a bit to hear that particular piece of news from Esther instead of from the doc himself— But to be fair, they’d only seen Anderson briefly today, and there had been no sign of Marlene. 

That didn’t seem to be the end of it though— The woman paused, then cleared her throat as she looped her fingers in her hair to braid it back. “I used to work for a lab tech company right out of school, before the outbreak. Nothing fancy, just files and organizational stuff.” He made another noncommittal noise; that seemed like the sort of thing she would do.

“Anyways,” Esther continued, “—I mentioned that to Jen, and she seemed to think Jerry might be looking for someone to do some record keeping through their trials.” 

Woah— woah— woah, that turned around real quick. Joel saw where this was going now. He leaned back and raised an eyebrow. “So, you’re joinin’ the Fireflies, is that what you’re tryin’ to tell me?” He worked to keep his tone light, amused. To compartmentalize. 

“Not exactly.” She winced. “From the sounds of it, the work would be on and off for a few months at a time. I could go back and forth from Jackson, see how it goes…” It sounded like she was trying to downplay her role for him.

Joel rubbed her knee, then dragged his hand higher to rest on her thigh. “You don’ need to explain it to me. I get it.” He should’ve been expecting this. She was spending an awful lot of time with him and Ellie lately; it was bound to be too much for her at some point. 

Esther leaned forward, dropping her head into her hands, her own insecurity, or maybe it was defensiveness on display even though he wasn’t objecting. “It’s not you, and it’s not Ellie…”

“I know,” he reassured, trailing his fingers along her spine. 

“It’s just that… Isaac’s only been gone for two months.” Her lips trembled. She didn’t like to say the D word. “It’s barely been a year since Byron… Getting so involved with you now, when my son hated the idea… He was so unhappy; he already thought I was trying to replace his dad. To replace him, and it’s like I’m using the fact that he’s not here anymore as an excuse to—” She pressed her sleeve to her mouth to stifle a cry. 

There were some things that couldn’t be fixed with words, so Joel shut his mouth and listened. “If I’m going to be in Ellie’s life, it can’t be to fill a gap. Do you know what I mean? I’ll just hurt her; I’ll hurt both of you.”

He understood. Of course, he understood and he was grateful that forming an attachment with his daughter wasn’t something the woman took lightly.

Twenty years had passed between Sarah’s death and meeting Ellie, yet Joel had still struggled to let her in, so afraid of evicting that sweet little blonde from his heart. Two months was no time at all compared to two decades. “Thank you— for understanding,” she stressed, scrubbing her eyes with the heels of her palms. 

“—You’ve been amazing, and I’m not saying… It’s not that I want to leave Jackson forever. There’s so much of Isaac still there, I don’t know if I could… It’s just that sometimes watching you and Ellie, or running into Jesse, or being around Robin and Eric is suffocating… I miss him so much, it’s like there’s this hand squeezing inside my chest that never lets go. I can’t even breathe…” 

“I don’t blame you,” he soothed, blocking out a wayward image of Sarah in a jersey and soccer shorts: #14. A memory from her first time playing goalie that came unbidden into his head as he encouraged Esther to let out deep exhales. Oh yeah— he knew what that felt like. “You take all the time and space you need.” 

Joel wasn’t goin’ nowhere, and neither was Ellie. If at the end of the day, Esther got swept up in the cause; if she liked Salt Lake City, then so be it. If she wound up back in Jackson as a permanent fixture, then alright. Besides, nothing was decided yet. “Why don’t you talk to Anderson?— Find out more about what they’re offerin’, and go from there.”

Esther nodded and sucked in a big breath. 

She was able to bring herself around pretty soon after that, and Joel reckoned it helped to have his support. The woman was handling her son’s death with much more poise and maturity than he’d handled his daughter’s. Only person around at the time to support him through it had been Tommy, and the kind of support that Joel needed wasn’t the kind his brother was willing to give. That boy had too much faith; he was never one to rage against the world for long.

For now, distraction was key, and they were about to get plenty of that. 

Joel could hear that Cat was awake from down the hall as he and Esther headed back to join the girls: a group made up of three teenagers, not two, if they were being brutally honest. The more he got to know Lena, the more he realized how young she really was, though he supposed that was what havin’ a kid at fifteen did to a person. He kept a firm pressure on Esther’s back as they walked. 

“Why are you even mad at me? I didn’t do anything!—” Cat shouted through the open door. The woman cringed beside him. “That doesn’t sound good.”

They heard the doc’s gentle suggestion to give mother and daughter some space, which set Ellie off. “How ‘bout you go fuck yourself?” His daughter suggested back, and that was when Joel lengthened his strides. “Lena’s the one who should leave, not me—”

Christ, she sure could be belligerent when she wanted to be. 

“Ellie,” he snapped, coming into the room. “Sit down,” Joel ordered, and his daughter shot him an evil scowl, but listened, plopping her butt into the chair beside the bed, arms crossed tightly over her chest. “Cat has some weird infection from Ron, and Lena’s saying it’s not possible,” Ellie tattled. 

“I’m not saying it’s not possible,” Lena argued back. “I’m saying I don’t understand how it happened. He was clean when we left Reno; he was treated for syphilis a month before the QZ collapsed, and he was tested again to make sure that was cleared up.” Joel might’ve found it odd that a brother and sister would share that type of information with eachother, but then again, Tommy had somethin’ once, back in Boston: something treatable, and he’d let Joel know, just so he didn’t question the antibiotics.

Anderson cleared his throat. “What Cat has isn’t a sexually transmitted infection,” he informed them calmly. “Bacterial Vaginosis is common in girls and women who are sexually active; all it is, is a mild, abnormal growth of bacteria in the vagina, it usually clears itself up— But we’re going to treat it here with some antibiotics just because we can, and that’ll be that.” 

Ellie was hiding her face in her arms now, probably embarrassed because the doc said the word vagina, and Cat was crying. Joel didn’t blame the poor girl. This whole thing had spiraled way out of control. What happened to her was bad enough without broadcasting it through the entire hospital.

“Your blood and urine tests came back negative for pregnancy, and for any more serious infections, and all your cervical swabs were clear aside from that one, so there’s no need to panic,” he reassured.

“That’s what I told you,” Lena said, vindicated, and Cat let out a frustrated scream. “You also told me he wouldn’t fucking rape me again!”

“I can’t do this.” The woman shook her head, repeating the line a couple more times. “I can’t. I’m not having this conversation right now in front of everyone. You all think I’m such a bad mother,” she accused, gesturing around the room, “—but you have no idea what I’ve been through.” She stormed into the hallway.

Esther put a hand on his forearm. 

“Why don’ you stay with the girls, and I’ll go check on Lena?” he offered quietly.

Divide and conquer. The woman was still fragile; she didn’t need to be dealin’ with a temper tantrum on top of her grief, and right now, it was lookin’ like the little ones were gonna be the easiest to calm down. They were already halfway there. Ellie had her arms around Cat on the bed, and the girl was using his daughter’s sweatshirt as a human-sized Kleenex. 

Joel didn’t allow himself a spare thought for that whole complicated sitchiation. Compartmentalize. They could draw up some boundaries later. Ellie couldn’t even talk about sex without ending up in tears, and Cat was ALL talk. Chances are, whatever this was, was harmless experimentation. She was fifteen; it was normal, and at least she couldn’t get pregnant.

Lena didn’t make it far. The woman wound up in what appeared to be an empty waiting room. She had her hands triangled over her mouth, rocking back and forth in slow, mechanical motions, sitting in one of the blue-green pleather chairs.

“Tcht.” Joel crouched in front of her, playing the dad angle as he approached, like this was Ellie having one of her panic attacks and not Cat’s mother. It helped to think of her as Sarah’s age, not a kid, but young enough to be his kid. “What’s goin’ on here?” he pried.

“I can’t do this.” She burst into tears again, taking her hands off her mouth to rub her thighs. “She blames me, and she’s right. This is all my fault. I should’ve kept him away from her. Maybe I should’ve asked for separate housing. I knew it was only a matter of time. Back in Reno, he could find girls. Pay for them, but Jackson is too small. He’d never get away with it and he couldn’t help himself; he never could.”

“What do you mean by that?” Joel prodded, but he had a bad feeling that he already knew the answer to that question.

“My dad did it to him first; it fucked him up. Made him sick. It’s why his wife left him. He had a son. It’s why his son stopped talking to him. Why he couldn’t keep a girlfriend. Age thirteen to sixteen: that was his type. Seventeen was too old, and I thought if I could just get her to seventeen…”

“That when he stopped doin’ it to you, Lena?” He took a stab in the dark, and it paid off because the woman crumpled in front of him, dissolving into a fit of sobs. “Ok— ok,” Joel hushed, easing into the seat next to her. He took her hand with both of his and squeezed.

“I never told anyone,” she croaked. “Who would I tell? I tried so hard to forget about it because he wasn’t always bad. Ron was the only person who never left me, no matter what— But what he did to Cat…”

“Brought back all those feelings?” he questioned, filling in the gaps.

“He was her father,” Lena whispered, speaking so low that he had to strain to hear her. “Cat doesn’t know that, I don’t want her to know that, but he was. That’s what makes this so much worse. We never talked about it, but Ron knew she was his, and he still…” With the way things were going, Joel should’ve anticipated that revelation, but he didn’t, and he was struck dumb by the new information. That was the one thing, the only thing that could make this lifetime of generational abuse even uglier. He swallowed his revulsion in the nick of time as the woman continued. 

“— I used to tell myself that at least he was better than our dad. At least he wouldn’t do that to his own child, but it turned out he was exactly the same.”

Joel blew out his breath in a long sigh. He was goddamn lucky that he’d had so much practice navigating through the world of the incredibly-heinous with Ellie over the past several months. “That’s a lot to be carryin’ around on your shoulders all these years,” he told her. “Takes some real strength to grow in conditions like that. I figure if you were strong enough to come out on the other end of all that suffering, then you’re strong enough to help your daughter through it too.”

Lena let out an agonized groan and shook her head. “I can’t do it. I can’t fix her.”

“You don’t need to fix her,” Joel assured. “Now listen here, I’ve never been in your shoes. I don’ know what it’s like to live through what you’ve lived through,” he validated, “— but I do know what it’s like to have a daughter who was raped, alright? I know that there ain’t nothin’ you can say to fix it; there ain’t nothin’ you can do to take that pain away. It’s all in the past, and you can’t change it. But what you can take away is the shame.”

The woman turned her brown eyes on him for the first time since he’d approached her; they were red-rimmed and puffy, tear tracks drying on her cheeks. She was waiting for him to elaborate, he realized. 

“It’s like the newborn stage all over again,” Joel said. “‘Cept this time, you’re teachin’ her how to cope. If you stick a joint in her mouth every time she’s upset and force her to bury it down, just like you did, then she’s gonna hold it tight to her chest for the rest of her life, just like you did. But if you let her talk, and I mean really talk: about anything and everything that comes into her mind, then I guarantee you, she’s gonna get better.”

She shot him a desperate look. “I’ve seen it,” he said with conviction. “You ain’t alone in this anymore, girl.”

Shit, he was getting old. Lena was silent for long moments. Then, when she did speak again, she was calmer, still weathered, but there was a newfound sturdiness in her voice. “I don’t want Cat to know about Ron. I know it’s not right to keep it from her but…”

“That’s your decision to make,” Joel agreed before she was even finished with the request. That little girl was already conflicted enough, and if he could go back in time and make it so that Ellie never learned the truth about her father, he would do it in a heartbeat. He couldn’t protect his own daughter, but he could protect Lena’s and that had to count for something. That, and he couldn't even begin to imagine the fallout if Ellie found out that there was a real-live father in Jackson who'd sexually abused his daughter. Uncle was bad enough. They were going with uncle. 

The woman forced a smirk, trying to lighten the mood. “I think my Cat’s got a thing for your Ellie. You should’ve seen how quickly they jumped apart when I walked in on them in that closet.”

“I reckon you might be right.” Joel shot her a wry smile in return. “Now that, I don’t quite know how to deal with,” he admitted, and Lena laughed. “I think we’re about to figure it out really fast.”

Chapter Text

“Ellie, what is it you wanted to say to Dr. Anderson now?” Joel prompted, leaning against the wall as the three of them, plus Delilah, the other nurse, waited for the MRI machine to be ready.

Ellie was wearing a stupid hospital gown that barely even tied up in the back, which made her self-conscious. She crossed her arms over her chest and sent him a vicious glare before answering. “That I’m sorry for making an inappropriate comment during my exam, and for telling you to go fuck yourself,” she repeated mechanically, keeping her head angled away from the doctor as she spoke.

It was so fucking dumb that her dad was making her apologize. If Dr. Anderson said right now that he had to cut out Ellie’s brain to make a vaccine, Joel would kill him, on the spot, but holy shit— She’d better not say anything rude to the man while he was alive.

Abby’s dad raised an eyebrow at her, detecting the insincerity in her tone. “Do you remember how the MRI is done?” he asked, deciding not to press the issue as he gestured to the room that contained the giant tube: the one they were going to slide her into. She peered at the computers in the office, a glass window separating them from the machine, then glanced back up at him. “You’re gonna look inside my body with it.”

He gentled his expression and sat on the desk. “Yes, that’s what it does, but do you remember what you need to do for me once you’re in there?” He was being nice to her; he was always nice to her, but it was probably fake-nice. Ellie knew enough not to be fooled. He didn’t care about her. The doctor just wanted to use her as an experiment, and he knew she’d be less likely to let him if he acted like a dick.

“Not move,” she grumbled back. 

“Right. Good, now just remember it might get a little loud, but no matter what, I need you to stay still, ok?”

“Psh, I already know,” Ellie told him, and that was when Joel stepped in— He cocked his head toward the door. “Outside,” he commanded. She let out a huff. “Now,” Joel stressed. 

Ellie scowled again and slumped after him into the hallway, inching around the wall so Dr. Anderson and Nurse Delilah wouldn’t look at her underwear as she went. When they were out of earshot, alone and off to the side of another procedure room a few doors down, her dad turned to face her. “What’s all this attitude for?” he asked. “If you don’t wanna be here, we don’t have to be here,” Joel said clearly, then added, “I’ll take you home right now, but if we’re gonna stay and work on this cure business, then you’re gonna need to smarten up. ”

“Fine,” she snapped. “I will.”

“Hey now—” He held out a hand, but she took a step back before he could touch her. Her dad squinted, and his gaze softened. “What’s botherin’ you, chickie?” he insisted. “You still upset about what happened upstairs?”

Ellie looked away, blowing out her breath in a defeated sigh. “It’s not fair that Dr. Anderson tried to kick me out when Lena was getting mad at Cat. Lena shouldn’t be getting mad at her in the first place. You’re not even my real dad and you still took care of me after what happened with David. Everything you did, you did because you were actually trying to help me, but Cat has no one. Her own mom isn’t even trying. I just want someone to be there for her like you were for me…” Heat crept into her throat as she struggled to explain herself.

Joel pursed his lips into a thin line. She knew he didn’t like it when she referred to him as, ‘not her real dad.’ “I know you do,” he recognized, choosing to ignore it. “— I’m real proud of how kind, and how helpful you are.” 

“Don’t talk to me like I’m a baby,” she interrupted. “I’m not. Cat needs support, Lena’s not doing it, and you keep defending her,” she accused. “Dr. Anderson defended her too, even though she’s practically blaming Cat for what happened; she’s making her feel guilty, and that’s NOT fair.” 

“Lena’s not trying to blame Cat for what happened…” he started, but Ellie was so tired of everyone making excuses for the woman. She couldn’t listen to it anymore.

“How do you know?” she shot back, “— because you spent like twenty minutes with her? Now you believe her over me—”

“This isn’t about me believin’ her over you,” he said firmly. 

“Yes it is!” Ellie shouted back. “— And even if she’s not trying to blame her, it doesn’t matter because that’s how Cat feels. It’s like with Isaac. Esther wasn’t trying to make him feel alone, but he felt it anyways and now he’s dead! The only reason I didn’t want to kill myself from what happened is because you never made me feel like that, but you’re making me feel it now—” Her voice broke. 

“Ellie,” he said to get her attention, “— take a breath.” Joel was still portraying an outward calm, but she could see the spots where the wrinkles deepened in his forehead. His patience was fraying, but it was way too late for something as simple as ‘take a breath,’ to work on her; she was too far gone. 

“Sorry for not wanting another one of my friends to fucking hang herself! Oh my God—” she screamed, letting out all her frustration for everyone to hear. “Let’s just get this over with,” Ellie said, referring to the MRI as she pushed past him, heading back to the room where Dr. Anderson and the nurse were waiting.

She didn’t like when they turned the microphone off in the office while she was getting her scan done. It bothered her to think they might be talking about her without her knowing, so the doctor promised to keep it on the whole time— But tonight that meant she had to listen to them talk about her without caring that she could hear. “I can’t get a clear read like this,” Abby’s dad said, and Ellie let out another shaking sob as he spoke.

Joel didn’t even care about Cat, and if he didn’t care about Cat, then he probably didn’t care about Ellie either, because if he was ok with Lena blaming her daughter, then maybe he blamed his daughter too. Maybe everything he ever said to her was a lie—

“Ellie, honey— The doc needs you to hold still for the image to work,” Joel tried, but the sound of his voice just made her thrash more inside the small, noisy tube. It felt like the air was getting thinner in here. Like the walls were getting smaller, trying to crush her as she inhaled and exhaled rapid fire breaths.

“Get her out of there,” her dad ordered. “We’ll try again later.”

“Jerry?” Delilah questioned, awaiting instruction, and the doctor agreed. “Do what he says. She’s crying too much anyways; it’s gonna blur the scan.”

Fuck you too, dude. 

Joel walked her back upstairs in silence, not by choice; he tried to talk to her a few times, but Ellie ignored him. Tried to put his arm around her, but Ellie shook it off and moved a few paces in front of him. “I want to see Cat,” she said when they reached the floor that connected their two rooms.

“Not right now.” He shook his head.

“Oh, so now you’re punishing me for causing a scene? You told me you’d be proud of me for telling you the truth. You always say that; you said it when we got here. Then, when I actually do tell you the truth about how I’m feeling, you’re mad at me for it—”

“I’m not mad at you,” he reassured for the second time today, “—and I’m not punishing you neither, girl. It’s getting late. Lena and Cat have both had a stressful day; you’ve had a stressful day, and when I talked to Lena, she was ready to give things another try. We need to allow them the space to do that.”

“But—”

“You can see her first thing in the morning,” he laid down the law, as Tommy would say; there wasn’t any room for argument in his tone. This was her dad’s way of telling her that he made the rules and she had to follow them. “Now…” he trailed off, standing outside the door to their room, his voice dropping into a hushed, gentle whisper. “I think Esther is still in there, and I don’t wanna get talkin’ about suicide in front of her,” Joel explained, “— but it is never my intention to make you feel alone like that.”

“—That being said,” Joel continued. “There are gonna be times, like right now, when you and I don’t see eye-to-eye on things. I have my reasons, and you have yours.” He cupped her cheeks. “Just cos we disagree, don’t make you any less my daughter,” her dad told her with conviction. “Don’t make you any less my itty bitty, baby girl,” he coddled, and Ellie’s brows knitted together. “Stop—” she growled, shoving his arm. “I’m really mad at you.”

“I know,” he sighed, pulling her into a reluctant hug. “It’s alright.” Joel pressed his beard into the side of her face. “You’re just gonna have to let me love you through it though, ok?” That stupid line had to be from his even stupider book. She glared into his shoulder and refused to hug him back, but Ellie had to admit, it was mostly out of stubbornness; it was harder to tell herself that he didn’t care about her now that he’d reaffirmed the opposite so passionately. 

Esther and Jen, the redheaded nurse without the distracting mole, were playing a game of cards in the room when Joel finally allowed her to go inside. They’d pulled in a third chair from the hall so everyone had a place to sit. Ellie liked Jen better than Delilah because Delilah was the one who’d taken her catheter out when she had brain surgery; the memory of that still icked her out. Plus, Delilah was the one who worshiped the doctor more, like he could do no wrong. Maybe they’re sleeping together, she thought bitterly. 

Esther noticed her puffy eyes and surly attitude right away, and she was quick to speak up. “We can go somewhere else if you want to get some rest, Ellie,” the woman offered.

She shook her head. “No— Please don’t leave. Don’t make me sit here alone with him again,” she begged, wrinkling her nose at her dad. 

Esther looked to Joel for confirmation, and he waved the woman off with a grunt. Ignoring Ellie’s rude comment, he flopped back into his chair and pulled out his book to continue reading. Parenting Without Power Struggles. What a joke. “Can I play?” Ellie asked the two women. She eyed the deck of cards, coming to the realization that if she didn’t find something to do soon, she was going to be left alone to stare at the wall. 

“I’ll deal you in,” Jen smiled kindly, and Ellie spent the next indefinable stretch of time learning a very boring, old person game called Chase the Ace. Maybe it was just her sour mood getting the best of her, but Ellie preferred strategy board games like Catan, or even that weird Life game they’d played not too long ago. At least that one was funny.

It was getting late; Jen and Esther were starting to yawn. Even Joel had put down his book and was scanning the informational posters on the wall with tired eyes. It seemed like everyone was getting ready to turn in, when there was a soft knock at the door. Marlene poked her head into the transformed hospital room, then let herself in without being invited 

“Hey Ellie, honey.” She leaned over the bed for a hug.

“Hi,” she said back, then glanced at Joel when the woman released her. He sat up straighter and rubbed his hands over his face, the sudden appearance of the Firefly leader putting him on high alert. 

“Joel,” Marlene acknowledged. “Mind if I borrow Ellie for a few minutes?” she asked. “I promise I’ll bring her right back.” The woman was already anticipating his less than favorable response. Ellie’s dad raised a neutral eyebrow at her, tossing the ball into her court. “Ok,” she said, standing up to follow the woman into the hall.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to make it here sooner,” she apologized as soon as they were out of earshot. “There’s a small QZ forming independently of FEDRA in Brigham City, about an hour’s drive from here. I’ve been up there helping the people who founded it design a sustainable government.”

“Oh.” She frowned, because she didn’t know what else to say to that. Ellie wasn’t even exactly sure what it meant. “That’s ok.”

“I’ve heard that you’ve been giving Jerry and his team some trouble today,” she commented, steering them into a nearby waiting area before claiming one of the empty leather chairs; she positioned another one across from her. Ellie huffed and sat down in that one. When she didn’t say anything, Marlene took that as a hint to continue.

“But I also heard about your friend, and why you brought her with you. I’m sorry— That must be hard, watching her go through the same thing you went through.”

“Yeah,” she replied dully. That pretty much summed it up.

“Is Cat a friend, or a special friend?” the woman pushed, and Ellie’s lips twitched up at the corners. “Ah— There we go. I thought that might be the case.” Marlene chuckled. “The truth will out.”

Ellie didn’t know why she did it. Maybe she just needed someone to talk to who wasn’t so personally involved in the situation, but the truth did come out; it came pouring from her mouth in a tidal wave of emotion. She told the Firefly woman about Ron, about Tommy’s justice, and about the arguing between Cat and Lena. Ellie’s subsequent fight with Joel. “Now even he’s on Lena’s side, and I feel like no one’s protecting Cat,” she said.  

When she finished her explanation, Marlene’s eyes crinkled, a mixture of fondness and amusement dancing behind her brown irises, both inappropriate reactions to the story she just told the woman. She reached across the table, covering Ellie’s hand with her own. “My God, you’re just like your mother,” she marveled. “You are so goddamn stubborn, exactly like she was; you take one stance on something, and it’s like you have blinders on…” 

Ellie yanked her arm back and pulled her knees up to her chest. “Now you’re on their side too.”

Marlene snorted. “I’m not on anyone’s side,” she clarified. “I don’t know this girl; I don’t know her mother. What I do know is that you’re making some pretty big assumptions about a woman who just found out that her brother raped her daughter,” she said bluntly. Ellie’s fingers ran up and down the length of her calves as she listened.

“Honey, do you have any idea how devastating that is for a family?” she asked. “Especially in this world where family is everything."

"—Now, I may not be Joel’s biggest fan… I don’t think it’s a secret that he’s not who I envision as your father, but he is your dad,” she admitted. “Still… You didn’t grow up with parents; you were raised by soldiers, and you didn’t know Joel back in Boston, back when it was him and his brother running the streets. He wasn’t the same man he is now, and I had a front row seat to Tommy’s misery. He stayed for years, unhappy and hurting because he couldn’t bear to abandon his brother. No matter what he did, no matter how many people he hurt in the process. He remembered a Joel that the rest of us didn’t.” 

Ellie swallowed, her gaze dropping to her feet.

“It took a long time, and look at him now— But you can’t judge him for that, because at the end of the day, blood is blood. That woman, Lena, she’s gonna choose her daughter. Her brother is dead; she doesn’t have another option, but it might take a minute for them to adjust. You can’t put yourself in the middle of that.”

“That’s what Joel said,” she sighed, leaning forward to rest her chin in the groove between her knees. Marlene raised her hands to her head in surrender. “Maybe he’s right,” she allowed. “— And hey, I didn’t think he was good for you for a long time. I’m still not sure how I feel about him, but even I can’t deny that he loves you, and most of the time, that’s enough.”

She shot the woman a tentative smile. “Was my mom really that stubborn?” she asked, extending the proverbial olive branch, and Marlene’s face split into a wide grin. “Oh, you have no idea,” she said, then quirked an eyebrow. “Does this mean you’re ready to talk about her again?” 

Ellie shrugged. “Esther’s been helping me understand what it’s like… being a mom and stuff; it helps.”  

“I’m glad to hear it.” Marlene nodded. “I’m sure Anna appreciates that, wherever she is now.” She appeared pensive. “I hope it’s not gonna to be too hard on you if Esther takes this job… having her spend so much time away from Jackson. I didn’t realize you two were that close,” she mentioned, and Ellie’s brows furrowed. She tilted her head to the side. “What job? What do you mean?” 

Soft voices carried from down the hall as Ellie made her way back to their room, her dad’s low drawl combined with Esther’s delicate whisper. The sounds quieted by the time she arrived, and when she swung the door open, Joel and Esther were kissing: on the lips. It was gentle, and chaste, but the sight still left her eyes burning. 

“Eww—” she complained, and the pair broke apart. “Get a room.” Ellie threw herself face first onto the patient bed and buried her nose in the thin, cotton pillow as they said their goodnights. Esther would be sleeping in the room across the hall. 

“Everything alright?” Joel asked warily, testing the waters once they were alone. He sat down on the edge of the bed. Ellie rolled over and peered up at him as if to say, “What do you think?”

“Can you lay with me?” she asked.

Joel hesitated. “If that’s what you want,” he agreed. The bed dipped, and she had to brace her weight on the mattress to prevent herself from rolling again, this time on top of him as he settled next to her, his callused thumb smoothing a trail across her forehead.

“What’s on your mind?” Joel questioned again. “Is it still what we talked about earlier?— Or is it somethin’ to do with Esther an’ I? Cos if seein’ us like that makes you uncomfortable…”

“Is she really leaving?” Ellie cut him off. It was no wonder he treated her like a baby; she sounded like such a little kid right now. Her dad’s eyes fell shut and he let out an exhausted groan, one hand coming up to press his fingers into his skull. “Goddammit, Marlene,” he cursed, and she took that as a yes. 

Chapter Text

Ellie had always wondered whether tattooed skin felt the same as regular skin, or if there was a certain texture to the ink that made it feel different: rough, raised or bumpy. She’d only met a handful of people with tattoos in her life, and up until now, she’d never gotten the chance to test out her hypothesis. Her hand slid along Cat’s bare arm, delicate fingertips grazing over the smooth black dragon. Guess that answered her question.

The two girls were snuggled beneath a fuzzy blanket in the narrow, cramped trunk of Isaac’s military jeep. Her friend had asked if they could sit back here together, and the surly driver gave them permission, if only to prevent Ellie from jumping around in his space, or kicking his seat the whole time. She swore that guy hated her. Joel said it was fine as long as she was fine with it. He and Esther sat in the first row like they did on the way into the city, and Lena had the whole back seat to herself.

She curled her arm around Cat’s exposed stomach, her thumb resting close to her bellybutton, and hugged the girl from behind while she slept, burying her face into the spot between her shoulder blades. Ellie and Riley had slept like this once or twice in the past, when Riley would sneak into her dorm, or follow her back after one of their late night adventures. Except Riley was always the one who held her, not the other way around. Like Joel, except Joel and Ellie had never really laid like this before.

Usually, if she was cuddling with her dad, she was sitting in his lap, or tucked into his side. It was quiet, simple, and it never left her with the same nervousness, the same vibrating anticipation that she felt right now: a stirring, like hummingbird wings opening and closing inside her lower belly. She’d felt that way with Riley too, and again with Dina the first time the girl slept over and she woke up to her best friend’s nose and lips pressed against her throat. Those physical sensations had been accompanied by a strange, budding desire she wasn’t yet ready to acknowledge, much less explore. 

This must be what it felt like for Joel when he cuddled with Esther, or Tess— if they did that kind of stuff. Tess didn’t exactly seem like the cuddly type. Then again, neither did Joel back then. He was so much softer now, almost unrecognizable; he was gentle with her, gentle with Esther. Half the time it felt like he was trying to protect the woman from Ellie, and maybe she should’ve let him. 

Esther said that the reason she was leaving was because she didn’t want to use Ellie and Joel as a bandaid to cover her pain about Isaac, or her grief about her husband, which in theory, made sense— But Joel had also told her in the past that it didn’t work like that. That you couldn’t just replace one child with another, or one loss of any kind with something else, so that was where it got confusing. Either you could or you couldn’t. 

Still, her dad said that even if she didn’t understand it, she had to respect it, and that Esther wouldn’t be gone forever, just for a couple months at a time. Only for the duration of the vaccine trials; however, Dr. Anderson told her this morning during his explanation that even with two doctors on site, testing could last for years. Miracle cures weren’t developed overnight, and what if she changed her mind? What if she was happier in Salt Lake City? Or what if she met some new guy who didn’t have a traumatized teenage girl hyper-attached to him?

Wasn’t Joel supposed to be worried about this too? 

Ellie had asked Esther point blank if she was leaving because of her. If there was anything she could do, or quit doing to make her change her mind. She’d tried to promise the woman more alone time with Joel, and to stop giving them weird looks whenever they touched. To close her eyes when they kissed in front of her instead of complaining or making grossed-out noises. 

As much as Joel having a girlfriend made her uncomfortable at first, and still did sometimes, Esther wasn’t at all how she’d imagined. Isaac’s mom understood her dad on a level she didn’t quite comprehend herself. The woman understood a lot of things, often better than Joel did, and Ellie kind of liked having another person that loved her. Someone who wasn’t intimidated by her ‘bizarre,’ co-dependent, as Marlene would say, relationship with Joel, and who could see past the dark, spidery thoughts that sunk their fangs into her brain and made her different than most other girls her age. 

She remembered thinking it would be both impossible, and unnecessary for another woman to try and fill Maria’s shoes, but when Esther started spending more time with them, she realized that there wasn’t just one pair. There were Maria’s steel-toed work boots, strong and steady in the face of crisis, and then there was a pair of lightweight, lace up sneakers that belonged to Esther, and they were both different, and she loved them, and she didn’t want either of them to just get up and walk away…

Ellie smushed her face harder into the back of Cat’s shirt and forced herself to swallow the pressure building in her sinuses. It helped a bit. Fuck, she was such a baby, but why did everyone she cared about have to leave her? Everyone except Joel. She was trying to be strong for him; he didn’t even seem sad, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t. Like when Tess died, he was masking his emotions, either to protect her, or now that she knew him better, to protect himself. Maybe he just didn’t want Esther to feel guilty about her decision. 

The woman was coming back to Jackson with them today, and Isaac the driver, was staying the night at the dam to wait for her while she broke the news to people like Maria and Sue, and got her things together. Then, tomorrow morning, she was heading back to Salt Lake City for an undetermined amount of time, which all seemed very fast in Ellie’s mind, but she supposed they couldn’t have Firefly occupied military trucks driving up and down the streets all day, every day for weeks at a time.

Cat stretched and shifted, rolling over to face her with a sleepy smile. The minty warmth of her breath tickled across her cheeks and stung her eyes. That was how close they were. How close the other girl’s lips were to hers. “Hi,” her friend said when she realized they were both awake. 

“Hi,” Ellie whispered back, her mouth twitching up at the corners. Cat’s happiness momentarily distracted her from the Esther dilemma. Lena peeked her head over the seat. “You two need anything back there?” she asked.

“Water?” Cat croaked, and Lena passed a reusable plastic bottle down to them. The girl offered it first to Ellie, then once she’d taken a sip, she downed the rest of the bottle, then winked and licked her lips. “Pervert!” Ellie snickered, shoving her arm.

“What?” Cat asked playfully, feigning innocence.

“Girls,” Lena cautioned, loud enough for Joel to hear, and Ellie groaned and hid her face in her arms. She still wasn’t Lena’s biggest fan, no matter how many times her dad or Marlene told her to give Cat’s mom a chance. To try and see where she was coming from, blah—blah—blah—

The last thing she needed was her dad trying to trap her in another sex talk when they got home. Or a discussion about ‘intimacy’ if the last time was anything to go off of— Combined, Ellie and Cat knew enough about sex to last them for the rest of their lives. They knew how it was done; they knew the consequences, and if she were being honest, there was a part of her that was starting to think about why people did it… a very small part mind you, but that was NOT something she wanted to bring up with Joel. 

“Don’t worry, she’s just grumpy cos I said I wouldn’t quit smoking unless she did,” Cat informed her, rolling her eyes at the back of her mom’s head. Lena hummed with annoyance. 

“Are you actually gonna quit?” Ellie frowned, and the girl cleared her throat, “Yep, we talked about it and decided it’s probably better for both of us to stop,” she said resolutely, but as she spoke, she shook her head in slow, exaggerated motions for only Ellie to see, then when she was finished talking, she mouthed, “Not a chance.”

Tommy was waiting for them at the lookout atop the gate when they pulled up outside the dam. She untangled her legs from the mess of blankets in the back, then propelled herself out of the trunk, leaping into his arms the moment he stepped down off the ladder, leaving Cat, and everyone else in the dust behind her. “There’s my favorite niece.” Her uncle grinned, catching her as she lunged at him. 

“Esther’s leaving,” were the first words out of Ellie’s mouth, uttered into the stiff denim of his jacket. “She’s moving to Salt Lake City to help do like… filing or something for the vaccine trials.” She slumped against him, expressing her sadness to the one person she could always count on to give her a reaction. Maybe it wasn’t true to say that everyone she cared about had left her. She still had Tommy; she had Maria. “Can I sleep over at your house tonight?” Ellie asked, without even giving him time to respond to the first thing.

“Uhh—” he lapsed. She could see the gears turning in his brain as he fought to catch up. Heavy footsteps crunched behind them, Joel detaching her from his brother by the shoulders. Her back was against his chest in a mock-restraint pose, kind of like how Ron held her that day, minus the gun in her face. “Scans were all clear,” he informed Tommy. “Nothing’s gotten worse, and there’re no real changes. If anything, her immunity is stronger now than it was to begin with— Next phase can be done without the commute.”

“Can I sleep over at Tommy’s tonight?” She looked up at him, and Joel raised an eyebrow. He glanced back at Esther, then lowered his voice. “You know that Cat and Lena are movin’ into their own place as soon as we get back to town, right?” her dad clarified, and Ellie nodded. Maria switched another family into the house where Ron died, and her and Tommy were supposed to have set up an apartment for the mother and daughter while the five of them were away. 

“There’s gonna need to be some conversations had before you and Cat have a sleepover again, is that clear?”

She knew it. ‘Conversations,’ had to be code for something embarrassing. What the fuck did he think she was gonna do? Or was this still about the weed? Because he must’ve heard Cat say that her and Lena were quitting, even if it wasn’t true. “Yep.” It was better to agree. 

“An’ you know that you don’t need to leave just cos Esther’s spendin’ the night?” he continued.

Tommy watched their dynamic closely. “I know, Joel.” He was starting to annoy her now. “I just want to hang out with Tommy and Maria, is that ok?” Ellie pushed. “I wanna tell them about the trip and stuff, cos you’re probably gonna be too busy with Esther to do it—”

Joel cupped her chin with his hand and tilted her head up to look at him, her spine still parallel to his chest. “That don’t mean I’m too busy for you.” 

“Holy fuck,” she cursed, extracting herself from her dad’s gentle grasp, then raising her hands in surrender. “Can you talk to him?” Ellie aimed the request at Tommy. “I’m just gonna go… stand over there or something.” She pointed. 

By ‘stand over there,’ she meant say a proper goodbye to Esther, because she was planning to go home first to drop her stuff and get a change of clothes, but she would head over to her uncle’s house soon after to give Joel and the woman some privacy: to talk. Not for any other gross reason she wasn’t thinking about, because Ellie had matured past the point of obsessing about her dad’s sex life— Even though she still noticed things like Esther leaving the hospital room wearing a ponytail and returning an hour later with her hair in a braid. It didn’t matter. They were old; they could do whatever they wanted.

“Do you think you can still play guitar with this thing on your finger?” Cat asked, gesturing to her new brace as Ellie retrieved her bag from the back of the vehicle. She wiggled her pinky in response and shrugged. “I think so, why?”

“Just that it was fun, when you showed me all those campfire songs,” her friend said, suddenly shy as she glanced at her mom, then back to Ellie. “Maybe you can show me another one sometime soon?”

Was Cat asking her out? This felt different than all the other times they’d wound up in eachother’s company, either by coincidence or by necessity. “Um, sure,” Ellie said carefully, carding her fingers through her bangs to distract from the fact that there was a flush of blood spreading in her cheeks. “I can get Tommy to teach me something new tonight.”

Cat pulled Ellie into a spontaneous embrace, and she caught her uncle’s eye again over the girl’s shoulder. He smiled at her, and it was in that moment that she realized with a raw, uneasy scrape across the lining of her belly, that there was something very important, something crucial to the next stage of her life that Tommy didn’t know about her. Unless Joel told him… But no— Ellie didn’t think her dad would do that without permission.

She put it out of her mind for now, and turned her attention to Esther, who was unloading her things from the jeep. Ellie unzipped the front pocket of her backpack and fished out her sketch book, ripping a page from the rings as she moved to join the woman. “I’m staying over at Tommy’s house tonight so you and Joel can like… bond or whatever, but I finished this for you,” she said, holding out the charcoal picture in offering, the one of Joel and Esther on the horses that she’d started on the way to Salt Lake City. 

The woman looked it over with a warm smile, then she tugged Ellie into her chest for her second hug of the afternoon, the bottom of her chin digging into the top of Ellie’s head. “I’m very lucky to have you in my life.” Esther’s hands shook. “— Not just as Joel’s daughter, but as someone that my son loved, someone I’ll always love,” she continued, and Ellie’s throat caught; her lips quivered. “You keep him alive for me, sweetheart, and that means I’ll never be far away for long.” 

Don’t cry, she told herself. Don’t fucking cry right now you fucking pussy. 

“Will you come back for Christmas?” she whispered, trying and failing to keep her voice steady as she spoke. “Tommy says we’re doing a real celebration, like where you cut down a tree and put it inside the house, and everyone gets eachother gifts like they used to do with Sarah…” she explained, even though the woman probably already knew how the holiday was traditionally celebrated; she most likely grew up that way. “It’s ok if you don’t want to though…” 

Esther cleared her throat, and wiped her hands roughly over her cheeks as she pulled back. “I’d love to come for Christmas,” she agreed. “I’ll do my best, ok?”

Ellie nodded. Don’t fucking cry. 

Another reason why she wanted to spend the night at Tommy and Maria’s house was because she could act like a little kid and be silly with them without them judging her, or getting annoyed by the fact that she wouldn’t sit still, no matter how much energy she let out, or how much expired chamomile tea they poured down her throat after a quick dinner of trout and butter sandwiches to get her to sleep. 

“—Joel talked to Lena for like, thirty seconds tops,” she exaggerated, “—and decided to go all, ‘Ellie, you can’t get in the middle of a family sitchiation,’” Ellie mimicked her dad’s low, Texas drawl. “Then, if that wasn’t bad enough, Marlene fucking backed him up.” She sighed dramatically. “Like when do those two ever get along?— Now suddenly they’re best friends and they’re ganging up on me, trying to tell me I shouldn’t care about Cat.”

She was hanging upside down on the lazy boy in the living room, her head touching the floor, legs splayed out across the arm of the chair. “The worst part was that Cat was right, she did have some weird bacteria thing,” Ellie said. There was no way in hell she was going to say what it was called in front of Tommy, even if it was a scientific name. “She probably felt it, and that’s why she was so scared, but nope— nobody believe her, let’s all just tell her she’s gonna be fine.”

Her friend was fine. Dr. Anderson said that the bacterial vaginosis, or however you were supposed to say it, would clear up in no time after the small dose of antibiotics he gave her worked its magic, and that it didn’t even constitute as an infection; it wasn’t serious, but that still didn’t make it ok.

Tommy was in his pajamas, a pair of plaid pants and a t-shirt. He was massaging Maria’s sock feet on the couch; the woman had her eyes closed and she was half laying on the arm as she listened. “Sounds like you and your dad went back and forth a lot on this trip. Everything ok between you two?” she checked. 

“I think so.” He didn’t seem like he was still angry with her about her attitude, or about the ‘closet’ incident. It was hard to tell, because even if he was, he didn’t show it. Joel could have steam coming out of his ears, but if Ellie needed him, he’d put a lid on it and pretend he was fine. “I dunno. I was just getting mad at him, but he didn’t really deserve it.” 

“He probly deserved it,” her uncle snorted, and Maria reached over and smacked his bicep. “Be nice to your brother,” she scolded.

“Why?” Tommy protested. “Ain’t like my brother’s nice to me.”

“Do you think Esther will come back soon?” Ellie changed the subject. 

“I’m sure she will—” Maria started to reassure, but her uncle patted his wife’s ankle and said, “Now don’t go gettin’ her hopes up too high. In my experience, the only girls Joel tends to keep around for long are the ones who call him daddy.”

“But Joel wants her to stay,” she argued. “I know he does.” Besides, maybe that was the old Joel. Even before he met her, her dad lived with Tess for years. Tommy never knew Tess, and no— they weren’t dating, but they were involved, kind of like how he was involved now with Esther. Without putting a label on it. 

“Then I’m positive she won’t be gone long.” The blonde woman gave her husband a look, and Tommy caved. “Alright. Yep, you’re right. Won’t be long at all,” he said, leaning back further in his seat. 

Maria only lasted another half hour on the couch before she started yawning, her eyes lidded; she worked long hours and usually turned in early, tonight being no exception— But before she went upstairs she kissed Tommy on the lips, then, when Ellie righted herself in the lazy boy, she cupped her cheeks with her hands and kissed her on the head. “Thanks for coming over, honey. You always make your Uncle Tommy’s night.” 

Ellie preened at the praise, sliding her body across the furniture to sit next to the man once Maria went up to bed, leaning against his shoulder as she did so. He stretched his arm over the back of the couch and pressed his ear to her hair. “We gonna watch a movie?” he suggested. “You can pick out one of them girly ones if you want, but don’t be hittin’ me if I fall asleep.” 

“Can you teach me another campfire song?”

Her uncle looked up, squinting with confusion. “You want to play the guitar? Right now?” he asked.

“Please— ” Ellie shifted onto her knees to beg. “Just one, I promise.” 

“How do you know I even know another one? How many is that now? Five? I ain’t made of campfire songs—” He chuckled as he stood up and retrieved his own guitar from its stand in the corner of the living room. “And who’re you tryin’ to impress with all this new music anyways?”

“Nobody,” she said, defensive now as he returned to the couch. Her cheeks burned.

Tommy’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline. “Wait— wait— wait— Who are you tryin’ to impress? The only boy you hang out with is Jesse, and honey, I hate to break it to you, but I think him and Dina are back on…”

“Oh my God, gross—“ she complained. “It’s not Jesse.”

“Then who?” Ellie could tell Tommy was curious. This was the kind of stuff he lived for. “C’mon now, I won’t tell your daddy,” he bargained, then re-thought his answer and said, “—as long as he’s someone safe, and age appropriate. The age thing, thas’ real important, and I know it might not seem like it to you, but it’s gonna matter a lot to my brother when he’s deciding whether or not to kill whoever it is we’re talkin’ about here…” 

She tucked her knees up to her chest and shot him a disturbed look, which cooled his enthusiasm a little. “Alright— alright. I’m sorry,” he pacified. “I know it’s a sensitive subject. I ain’t tryin’ to upset you.”

Just tell him. Don’t be a chickenshit, but the words were caught in her throat, a silent panic, and now Tommy was getting worried. He leaned the brown, acoustic guitar upright against the couch and scratched one of his hands through his beard. “Ellie…” he prompted. “What is it, sweet pea?” 

“I don’t want you to look at me differently.” She sucked in a deep breath, then realized too late that what she’d said took him to a very different place than she’d meant for it to. This wasn’t the first time she’d admitted that fear to him. Her uncle was trying not to let her see his concern, but he wasn’t as skilled at hiding emotion as Joel was, so it was written all over his face. “Honey, there ain’t nothin’ you can’t tell me,” he said. “We’re family.” Tommy made a cross-my-heart motion over his chest with his fingers. “Have you got somethin’ going on with one of them boys who’s a little older than you?” 

Ellie huffed out a sigh and shook her head. “I don’t like boys, Tommy,” she confessed, ripping the bandaid off before she could take it back. Her uncle’s eyes widened and his mouth formed an O of understanding, something akin to relief melting his tense expression into a smile. “You don’t like…” he trailed off. “Of course you don’t like boys.” Then he was pulling her close, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug. 

“I’m just trying to make Cat happy; the silly songs cheer her up,” she told his neck.

“Thank Christ,” he stressed. “You had me worried there for a second. Does Joel know?” Tommy questioned, and Ellie’s mouth split into a grin at his ease of acceptance. “I didn’t even have to tell him. He guessed ages ago.”

“I was gonna say, make sure you save that little gem for when he’s good and pissed off at you. You look at him and you say, ‘— I don’t like boys, dad,’ and watch how fast he changes his tune.” Ellie giggled in response. “Whatever.” She body checked his shoulder. “You’re so dumb.”

“How ‘bout that song, then?” He winked, positioning the guitar in his lap. “You might like this one: it’s called Boom Chicka Boom.”

“What the fuck, Tommy?” she laughed. “It’s not called that.” 

Sure enough, it was. Cat would like it. It was pretty much just an endless stream of, Boom chicka boom— Boom chicka rocka chicka, rocka chicka boom,” to a few upbeat cords, and her friend would get a kick out of the title. What Ellie got a kick out of was the fact that Tommy knew she was gay now. He was excited about it even; he almost seemed relieved, but maybe that was just because she’d scared him pretty badly beforehand. Still, neither of those options had been on her list of potential reactions she could face.

It wasn’t even an, “I’ll love you anyways.” There was nothing conditional about Tommy’s love for her. It had been present from the moment Joel claimed her as his daughter; it was steady as a rock, and in his own words, it wasn’t goin’ nowhere. 

Chapter Text

Dina was trying to listen to what Jesse was saying, really— she was. It was something about this morning’s patrol with Tommy; he’d called her boyfriend ‘very capable,’ or ‘very responsible for his age,’ something along those lines. She was happy for him, and she didn’t mean to get distracted, but it was hard to keep her focus when Ellie and Cat were holding hands in the middle of fucking town.

Well… ok, maybe they weren’t holding hands exactly, but they were sitting on the ground with Ellie’s sketch book, their backs against one of the makeshift benches in the main square, and Cat’s hand had been on Ellie’s arm for 87 seconds… ish— Probably not 87. That was just a guess: a round about number. She wasn’t counting or anything. 

Dina wouldn’t be so curious, except that Ellie hadn’t mentioned anything about Cat since they got back, other than to tell her in basic terms that the girl was fine after their visit with Marlene, which in itself was a fucking weird reason for them to leave Jackson. Joel hated Marlene. As far as Dina could tell, everybody connected to Ellie hated Marlene, and for good reason. Dina only told her best friend to give the woman another chance because she couldn’t think of anything else to say in that moment. What the hell do you say to that?

Anyways, Ellie didn’t tell her much, just that Cat had seen a doctor, and that she wasn’t pregnant or dying, stuff that spread around the whole town in the following days anyways because the girl liked to share all the intimate details of her life with everyone she met— But ever since Cat came out as gay (out of NOWHERE mind you) the last time the Fireflies were in town, Dina had growing suspicions about the girl’s intentions toward her best friend.

Just because they were both lesbians didn’t mean they had to date. There were other lesbians in town… probably. There must be, and besides, you didn’t need to be a lesbian to like girls. Some people liked both.

Cat was SO loud, and yes— Ellie was loud too, but in a different sort of way. She didn’t take shit from anybody, and she didn’t let people walk all over her. But she was so private with her feelings. She wasn’t attention seeking, and she hated any situation that made her have an emotional outburst, even if it was anger, whereas Cat seemed to revel in it… The two of them just seemed like an odd pairing. 

“Earth to Dina.” Jesse waved a hand in front of her face. “If you don’t stop staring at them, Cat’s gonna come over here, and I don’t know if I feel like putting myself through that today.”

“Don’t be an ass,” she shot back. “She can’t help it.” In the absence of Ellie, it was up to Dina to defend the newest member of their friend group, even though she was still on the fence about her. The things she did for love. Ellie better be fucking grateful and not ditch her again the next time she decided to play the hero and rid the town of all its perverts. “I’m sure you’d be like that too if you had an Uncle Ron.”

Jesse cringed. “I know— I know. I’m sorry.” He held up his hands in surrender. “It’s just that… I mean it happened to Ellie too, right?”

Dina shifted her gaze onto her nails, going quiet as she picked at a loose piece of skin on her thumb. “You don’t have to say anything; I already know,” he said then. “She’s so… I don’t know how to describe it, but you can just tell.”

She made a noncommittal noise in response.

“It’s weird that they handle the same thing so differently, that’s all.” Her boyfriend shrugged. 

He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t right either. Jesse needed to stop trying to get inside everyone’s head, and he needed to quit giving his opinion about people’s lives like he knew better than them. They’d talked it out— Her boyfriend had confessed that Ellie came by and gave him her own dressing down before she’d left for Salt Lake City, which made Dina’s heart both swell and ache in almost equal parts; she didn’t know why.

It meant that Ellie loved her enough to get involved. That her best friend still cared about her, even after everything that happened with Cat, and how angry Dina got, how much she’d lashed out at the other girl for abandoning her in her hour of need— But it also meant that Ellie wanted her to be with Jesse, and just because he was making an effort to stop trying to tell Dina how she should act when it came to sex, or their relationship, didn’t mean that he’d stopped doing it to everyone. 

She’d never told him about her sister. Obviously, he knew that Talia had existed, and that she took care of her; he knew that she died. But Jesse didn’t know about the time her mom needed drugs so badly that she let her sister get raped. How after that, Talia decided that if it was going to happen anyways, she might as well work on the streets too. Make some money for them that wouldn’t be spent on Oxy. Dina had never told him how her sister stopped caring about what happened to her body after that. Stopped washing and cleaning herself, stopped doing things like brushing her teeth and her hair, habits that stayed with her for the rest of her life. 

She was never the same, but she wasn’t like Ellie. No matter what it was, and even if two people had the same terrible thing happen to them, they were always going to react differently. Ellie still took care of herself, but she also wore clothes that covered her entire body, all the time. She didn’t like being in large groups; she was always hyper-aware, shiftier, and more uncomfortable whenever there was a man in the room. Joel and Tommy were the exceptions, Jesse too… and she hadn’t been like that with Isaac, but even Eugene… He still made her nervous.

Ellie had never told Dina the names of the men that assaulted her; it was safe to assume she didn’t know them, but she’d wager a guess that one of them was called David, because there was this one guy in town; he was nice enough, quiet, kept to himself… but Ellie fucking loathed him, for no reason. She wouldn’t go anywhere near him, and Dina was a thousand percent sure it wasn’t because her friend was a racist. She knew from some of the pictures Ellie drew that Riley was black, and she was always so critical of Little Darin for discriminating against Jesse’s family— But this guy’s name was David, and that seemed to be the part that bothered her best friend. 

Dina spent a lot of time watching Ellie. Not because she was being creepy. She wasn’t trying to make her friend uncomfortable; she didn’t think Ellie even noticed. It was just nice to know things about her, and despite the fact that the girl was nervous, paranoid, and reactive, there was a protective presence around her that soothed Dina: an aura of safety. She looked after what she loved, and Dina wanted more than anything to be something that Ellie loved.

“Do you think they’re dating?” Dina sighed, leaning against Jesse’s shoulder in the spot where they sat across the square, out of sight.

Her boyfriend cringed. “I hope not, but probably.” Then he added, “Maybe it’ll be good for Cat, to have someone to talk to so she doesn’t have to talk to… Well, everyone— And I don’t know… If they try it out, and it’s not meant to be, they’ll figure that out, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” She shrugged, but it wasn’t as simple as that. Dina was scared that Ellie would get hurt. Cat was so…sexual— Maybe things would be different now, after what happened with Ron, but she wasn’t so sure. What if Cat tried to pressure Ellie into doing something she didn’t want to do? What if she got hurt? What if she had a panic attack and Cat didn’t know how to help her?

Maybe they weren’t even a couple. She should probably stop obsessing about it anyways, before Jesse started to get suspicious. Suspicious of what? she wondered then, she wasn’t doing anything wrong. Was she? 

Joel leaned forward, propping himself up on his elbows at the counter as he took a swig of his beer. Ellie was out with Cat; he’d been allowing them their privacy, trusting her when she said she wouldn’t smoke again, even if Cat did. His daughter made fun of him for it, but he was trying to figure out how to get around these little power struggles they’d been having lately, and maybe Esther, and the author of that book he was reading had it right. Good relationships were built on a foundation of trust, and the more he tried to limit her, the harder she would push back.

Maria made a sympathetic noise when she noticed his face, and patted his back as she passed him to unpack her lunch box in the kitchen. “She’s just down the street. I spied her and Cat in the town square on my way here.”

Tommy snorted, but didn’t comment. Joel knew that as much as his brother loved to make fun of him for his overprotective, co-dependent relationship with Ellie, even he was struggling to get the image of Ron’s gun pointed at his niece’s head out of his brain. If there was any justice left in the world, it was the closest the younger Miller would ever come to understanding how Joel felt. Of course, that particular event barely even registered on his daughter’s trauma scale. She was more disturbed by what Ron did to Cat, than the fact that he’d almost murdered her. Step into my shoes for a second; see what I’ve seen, then tell me I should feel ok letting her out of my sight.

Joel’s brother cleared his throat. “How’s she doin’? With the whole Esther thing, I mean.”

“Why don’t you ask her, and let me know what she says?” he replied, taking another drink. “She won’t talk to me about it; she thinks it makes me sad.” Tommy raised an eyebrow and Joel hung his head in mock defeat. “Back in Boston,” he started, “I had a partner.”

“Tess.” The younger Miller smirked. “Yeah, I’ve heard the name.”

“Ellie,” Joel let out a sigh. Of course she told Tommy about Tess. “I haven’t,” Maria volunteered, interested now as she cracked open her own bottle of Jackson craft, one of her arms snaking around his brother’s waist from behind. “Did Ellie know her?” 

Tommy started to nod, but Joel held up a hand. “For about twenty-four hours. She died real early on in our trip out here, just outside of Boston: infected,” he informed them, before either one could ask. Joel thought of Ellie’s drawing, her imperfect memory of the woman. If anything, the fact that it wasn’t a flawless rendering softened his heart. She didn’t remember, but she cared enough to try. It was nice to know that he wasn’t the only one who thought of the woman from time to time.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Maria frowned, but Joel just grunted. “Anyways, when Tess died, I told Ellie never to bring it up. I came down on her pretty hard for tryin’, and I think this is still leftover from that.” Esther didn’t die, but she might as well have in Ellie’s mind. She wasn’t in Jackson anymore, and like a baby still learning the world, object permanence was a bit of an issue for his girl. If the woman wasn’t around, she ceased to exist.

“Are you waitin’ around for her?” Tommy asked, and Joel shot him a look, holding up one hand in surrender. “Yeah, I’m waitin’ around for her.” 

Esther was a good woman, he cared about her, maybe a little more than he’d like to admit to his brother; they had a lot in common— And besides, even if he didn’t want to, introducing Ellie to the idea of Esther was already difficult enough. It had taken months of open, careful discussion and coordinated interaction. He couldn’t imagine trying to convince her to give anyone else a chance while the option of Isaac’s mom was still on the table. His daughter was very clear about the grounds in which she planted her loyalties.

“What did I tell you?” Maria whispered into her husband’s shoulder, and now it was Joel who raised an eyebrow. “What I’m curious about is how you’re holding up, daddy?” the woman asked. “First relationship… That’s a big thing for a parent to process, so I’ve heard.” She smirked. “My dad threatened to lock me in the house the first time I brought a boy home. Mind you, it was the seventh grade,” she snorted, “— and we met in the suspension program.” 

Now Joel was even more caught off guard. Ellie did have a way of surprising him when it came to what she would and wouldn’t tell Tommy… He assumed it was his brother she’d told, and that Tommy had passed the information along to his wife. “I’m just fine,” he said smoothly. Whether that was true or not, Joel didn’t need his thoughts getting repeated to Ellie, and Maria was bad for having “girl talk” with his daughter that occasionally crossed the boundary of what he would deem to be the appropriate sharing of knowledge.

“Least you don’t have to worry about her followin’ in your footsteps,” Tommy commented. “Course, you are at the right age to be playin’ grandpa.” Joel glared at his brother, and the younger Miller chuckled in response; his smile waned a bit when he asked his next question. “You knew her for a good chunk of time before all that business in Colorado…” he trailed off. “Is this a new thing?”

He didn’t need any further clarification to know what his brother was asking. Was Ellie a lesbian before she was raped? Joel could see why Tommy would speculate; there was a lot about what happened in that chalet that had fundamentally changed her as a person, but as far as he was concerned, that wasn’t how all this sexuality shit worked. The rape had definitely affected how she viewed men in a more general sense, but as far as he knew, she’d never had a romantic interest in the opposite sex. 

“No. It ain’t new. She had herself a little girlfriend back in the QZ too. A bit older; she was a firefly, kind of a bad influence,” he commented, because he couldn’t say that to Ellie. “They were bitten at the same time.”

Tommy and Maria exchanged a glance. “Poor girl; she’s been through more than we give her credit for,” Maria sighed, then began pouring them all a shot of bourbon. “All these kids have. It’s a miracle they’ve turned out to be as well adjusted as they are— even Cat. I think Ellie’s been a good influence on her through all of this.”

It wasn’t Ellie’s influence on Cat that Joel was worried about. He’d taken to writing lists of worst case scenarios in his head, in no particular order. Number one: Ellie started drinking and using drugs to cope with her trauma, number two: she started asking to get a tattoo, number three: she couldn’t handle the intensity of a romantic relationship, especially one forged in the midst of chaos, and she cracked under the pressure. Started hurting herself, or became suicidal. Number four: she started having sex.

Or number five: all of the above. 

Joel wasn’t ready, not for any of it. He wanted Ellie to stay his itty bitty, baby girl forever, and of course in his mind, that was always what she’d be— But he wouldn’t impede her growth just because he missed out on her formative years; he couldn’t do that to her. In a way, it was like he was picking up where he’d left off with Sarah. Ellie was his second chance, but he’d always known that this wasn’t a do over. 

Still, it wouldn’t do any good to whisper in his daughter’s ear. The best way to approach this would be to treat Cat like he would treat either one of his girls. He had to remember that she was just as sensitive, and just as much in need of love and consistent care as Ellie was— She needed the people around her to be gentle. To give her time and space to heal, not jump to conclusions or worst case scenarios. She wasn’t as receptive to his subtle influence as Dina was, but if he kept at it, and kept encouraging her relationship with Lena, then he might be able to help her, which in turn, would help his daughter.

The fiery brown liquid burned its way down Joel’s throat; it cleared his sinuses, and hardened his resolve. Ready or not, Ellie was gonna do what Ellie was gonna do, and his only option was to meet her where she was at. It wasn’t a dramatic moment; there were no markers to indicate a major, life changing event, but somehow Joel felt like tonight he was turning a page in their life together. Closing one book, and diving head first into part two of, “The Chronicles of Ellie & Joel,” plot twists and all. 

Chapter Text

Ellie had always wanted to experience Halloween. Out of all the old world holidays, the one where you got to dress up in your best impression of your favorite character and eat a shit ton of candy seemed like the one to beat. Jackson didn’t have much selection for Halloween costumes, but Ellie and her friends had decided to improvise and create their own. Well— Ellie and Jesse had decided, and Dina and Cat were putting up with them.

There would be a Halloween party in the town square. Ellie and her friends wanted to go as Star Wars characters. Jesse would be the Han Solo to her Chewbacca, while Jesse’s girlfriend, and Ellie’s…Cat both argued about who got to be one of the few desirable female leads in the series. Cat threw a fit and won Leia; she was used to getting her way, so that left Dina to be Padmé, Luke and Leia’s mom. 

Jesse offered to switch when he found out. To be Anakin Skywalker, so they could be a couple, but Dina insisted that it was fine. She didn’t know who any of them were anyways, and therefore didn’t care which ‘nerd character’ they dressed her up as, so long as it wasn’t the ‘little green alien,’ or Jabba the Hutt.

It was hard to mimic a fur-suit when you didn’t have access to one, but Ellie made do with what she had. Maria helped her locate a large, brown t-shirt from the donation hall with a brown long-sleeve undershirt of course, unless she was planning to go as Chewbacca infected with Cordyceps, which she thought would be kind of funny, but Maria vetoed right away.

She also found a pair of fleece-lined brown leggings, and she made her own version of Chewbacca’s bandolier to wear across her chest. Ellie was allowed to wear ammo cartridges on it to the party, but Maria discouraged her from bringing actual guns, and Joel— the traitor—backed the woman up, like he didn’t used to get mad at her for leaving her Beretta at home to go for dinner.

Last night, Joel sat up with her while she painted the clothes with carefully placed lines of dark brown paint to resemble fur. Tonight, it was her dad’s responsibility to paint the same lines, big, fuzzy eyebrows and a nose on her face before the town gathering. Joel sat on the arm of the couch with the brush in his hand, and Ellie stood between his knees. He had his brows furrowed with concentration, the cool paint lines tickling her cheeks as he worked.

“Have you done this before?” she asked, and Joel snorted. “Have I ever turned my daughter into Chewbacca?” he clarified, “—No.”

“I meant Halloween makeup,” Ellie whined, kneeing him in the shin.

“Once or twice,” he answered, but when she made a noise of impatience, Joel sighed and began to elaborate. “Sarah was a lady bug one year for trick-or-treating, and I painted the spots. Then, when she was eleven, she dressed up as a haunted doll for a school dance. She did most of it herself, but she needed help with the eyes.”

“I can’t believe kids actually used to do that,” she mused, “—just knock on strangers’ doors and ask for food without anybody fucking shooting at them.” 

“Wasn’t really askin’ for food,” Joel corrected. “People would go buy a box of candy a couple days before so they had it on hand, and kids usually brought their parents with ‘em.”

“Wait…” Ellie paused, something funny crossing her mind. “Did you ever do that? Like, when you were a kid?” His lips twitched up at the corners as he worked to form her triangle nose. “Everybody did,” he explained, still fighting a smile. “That’s what Halloween was for.”

“That’s fucked up,” she laughed, but secretly, Ellie thought it sounded kind of cool. They could do that in Jackson; it was safe enough, everybody knew everybody else, but they’d have to hand out something else, like berries, or bread. Chocolate was a rare find, people weren’t just gonna give it away to kids for no reason. “I wish Isaac was here.” Ellie frowned. I wish Esther was here too, she finished in her head. 

Joel pursed his lips. “I know you do.”

“He totally would’ve wanted to be the Emperor.” There was a sharp, painful twinge in her chest. She could see it now. Isaac was naturally pale, like a vampire who’d never seen the sun, but with an extra layer of white face paint and a ring of red makeup around his eyes he would’ve looked positively menacing, and he would’ve jumped at any excuse to turn a bed sheet into a black cape. He had a thing for capes, even his D&D character Kaige wore one.

“Who’s the Emperor again?” Joel asked, and Ellie tilted her head to the side. “He’s the evil one. You know, the master of Darth Vader who convinced him to go over to the dark side in the first place way back when he was Anakin Skywalker… He was a politician who was secretly a Sith Lord; he started the clone wars…”

Her dad should know this. Joel saw Star Wars a long time ago, before Ellie was even born, not to mention the two times they’d watched the original trilogy together, once alone, and once with Tommy and Maria— Though she supposed they didn’t really talk much about the rise of the Emperor in that one, and she’d watched the prequel trilogy with Jesse, Dina, and Isaac in the summer, so maybe he wouldn’t know.

“Right,” Joel said. “I remember now. He’s played by Ian McDiarmid?”

She nodded. It was weird that he remembered that, but not that he created the Empire. He had good recollection for actors’ names, probably because they were all actually alive in his time. Her dad set the brush down and put his hands on her arms, leaning back to admire his own handiwork. “Go take a look and tell me what you think.”

Ellie realized something important as she ran upstairs to use the bathroom mirror. Joel knew who the Emperor was all along. He was just trying to distract her from thinking about Isaac.

They walked together into the town square; the area was decorated with construction paper pumpkins, ghosts, and spiders. There were orange and black streamers in the trees, and a bonfire going in the pit nearest to them. That was where Tommy and Maria were, bundled up and passing a closed travel mug back and forth between them, which Ellie was willing to bet was filled with a mixture of warm bourbon and sweet cream.

There were games for the little kids set up on one side of the gathering: darts with balloons full of small prizes, teddies and trinkets; bowling with cans that were painted to look like monsters. A game that Joel called ‘bobbing for apples.’ Amalia from the radio tower, and her sidekick Raven ran an art station where some of the kids were turning plastic bottles into Dracula and Frankenstein. Dorian’s daughter Faith, who had just celebrated her ninth birthday, was dressed as an angel with a golden, sparkly pipe-cleaner halo, and was showing off the wings her daddy made her to match.

“Don’t you go stickin’ your head in that barrel now; I didn’t spend all that time painting your face just for you to wash it off in the first two minutes,” her dad warned. Ellie rolled her eyes in response. “I’d much rather be over there,” she said, then pointed across the square to where the adults were setting up a few games of their own: axe throwing, a makeshift poker game where they bet on work tickets instead of money, and something with a table, a bunch of cups, and copious amounts of beer.

“Too damn bad,” Joel growled, steering her in the direction of her aunt and uncle.

“Hey Chewie— Over here!” someone called. Ellie turned around as Jesse trotted up to them, wrapping his arm around her shoulders in an affectionate side hug. “I knew I could count on you,” he chuckled. “Dina thinks that just because she found a vest and some tight pants, that she’s ‘in costume,’” he said with finger quotations, pulling back.

“I heard that,” Dina snapped, coming into view. “Oh my God, Ellie— You look just like him!” she laughed. Ellie tilted her head to the side. Her best friend sort of looked like Padmé… but if she wasn’t with the group, she might also be mistaken for an everyday citizen of Jackson going out on patrol. Jesse on the other hand went full on Han Solo; he even found a belt with a holster that went all the way down his thigh.

Joel cleared his throat. “I’m gonna go stand by the bonfire with Tommy. I’ll be there if you need me. You be good,” he stressed.

“Don’t worry; I’ll watch out for her Mr. Miller,” Jesse offered. Suck up. Her dad’s face hardened, bristling at the statement. He raised a suspicious eyebrow at her friend in the same moment that Dina piped up from beside them; she let out a humorless snort. “Jesse, I guarantee you that does not make him feel better.” She put a hand on her boyfriend’s chest. “I’ll keep her out of trouble, JM. Go drink a beer or something,” Dina said, then she locked arms with Ellie, tugging her close. 

“I mean it, Ellie,” he restated. No drinking, and NO smoking. She read the silent command in his face. “I know,” Ellie declared firmly, sending her own wordless message back to him. GO AWAY. 

“Is it just me, or does he seem to be getting more strict as time goes on?” Jesse frowned when Joel left to join his brother.

“Ellie got high with Cat when they were in Salt Lake City and now he’s freaking out again,” Dina filled him in, and Ellie scowled at her. She didn’t have to make it sound like she was the only teenager who’d ever fucking done it. She knew for a fact that her best friend skimmed a bit off the top of Eugene’s stash every now and then, but Ellie didn’t bother her about it.

On the subject of Cat… The girl seemed to appear out of nowhere dressed in her Leia costume, which ended up being just a cropped, flowy white shirt, and a long skirt that was slitted to show off her thighs, the koi fish tattoo visible beneath satin material. Her hair was too short to do Leia’s signature braided hairstyle, so her black bob was done in matching pigtails like Joel did for Ellie’s birthday. 

Dina didn’t bother asking Cat if she was cold again, though she knew the girl was thinking it— It annoyed her best friend when Cat dressed like this, though Ellie didn’t understand why, since most of the time Dina was more liberal than Ellie was when it came to attire, and it wasn’t like the girl was going after Jesse or anything.

“Woah…” Cat trailed off. “I guess I know what a ‘Chewbacca’ is now.” The girl embraced her, and Ellie’s hands slid around her bare waist, suddenly self-conscious of the fact that their friends were standing right there— But Cat pulled back before it could get any more awkward, then she hugged Jesse and Dina much in the same fashion, though Jesse was careful to keep his hands to himself. 

Eugene spotted the four of them from across the square and pulled them all in for a group photo. That was one thing Ellie wished they’d done when Isaac was alive. She had lots of drawings, but the only photos of her friend that were left, were the ones from when he was growing up, the ones that Esther had taken with her to Salt Lake City.

Afterwards, Jesse challenged them all to an axe throwing competition, which was on the list of things that Joel had banned her from doing earlier, but luckily, it was further down the list than poker, and the other mystery game revealed to be called ‘beer pong.’ She was careful not to look over her shoulder to see his reaction as her and her friends gathered around one of the large, wooden boards that had black target markers painted on them.

Jesse was good, Ellie would give him that, but Jesse never had to cross the country alone with only one other person using bricks and bottles for weapons. “Fuck yeah!” She pumped her fist as she hit the middle target again, which bumped her up to a solid 75, clobbering her friend’s score of 50.

“I told you!” Dina nudged Cat. “Don’t underestimate Ellie.” Her best friend had thrown a passable score of 35, then petered out, and Cat had only thrown three times before she quit and started betting on Jesse. She was such a betrayer. To be fair, Dina’s boyfriend was a regular Jackson patroller, and Cat had never seen Ellie fight before outside of the confrontation with Ron, and that was pure survival; it had nothing to do with skill.

“Yeah— yeah. That’s because my dad’s a doctor, and Ellie’s is a professional fucking hitman,” Jesse grumbled. 

“Carpenter,” she corrected, and he shot her a playful smirk. “Uh huh.” 

Robin and Eric were handing out Halloween cookies by the first aid table: creepy faces with stitched mouths, cobwebs, and the word Boo! written on them. The table was a necessary measure that Maria had decided to input after the last town-wide get together where one person sprained an ankle tripping over their shoelaces, and two people got burned tripping into the fire. That was after Eugene had started passing around the moonshine, which Joel said she wasn’t allowed to touch under any circumstances. 

“Cat honey— Don’t you have a jacket?” Robin asked with a concerned frown, taking in the goosebumps raised on her friend’s belly and arms as she distributed the cookies. The fact that she was shivering. “I’m not cold,” Cat said dryly, then side-eyed Ellie. “Can we go for a walk or something?” the girl hissed, glancing at Jesse and Dina, “— alone.” 

Ellie turned to her best friend. “We’ll be right back. Cover for me if Joel comes over here?” she asked Dina, who sighed and gave them a forced, tight-lipped smile. She would do it; Ellie knew she would. 

Cat hauled Ellie off into a nearby street with an urgency that made her head spin, tucking them into the small, fenced alleyway between two houses. “What is her problem?” the girl spat, glaring at the space in front of her. “I should’ve let her husband see me naked, then maybe she’d keep her mouth shut—” she ranted, and it took her a moment to figure out that she was talking about Robin, not Dina.

Ellie shifted uncomfortably. “You shouldn’t say stuff like that. Robin cares about you. Eric does too.” It wouldn’t matter if Jesse’s dad had given her an exam, which he didn’t, the doctor still wouldn’t think about her like that, and it wouldn’t make Robin jealous.

See— Ellie was a pro at this now. How’s that for character development? 

“Well, why is it her business what I’m wearing? It’s like she’s saying I’m a slut or something… because of what happened.” The girl was unable to meet Ellie’s gaze as she stared at the ground.

“Hey.” She grabbed her friend’s hands and tugged her closer. “That’s not what she was saying. You look cold; that’s why she asked.”

“Promise?” 

“I promise.” She nodded. This was Cat’s own version of Ellie’s dark, paranoid thoughts. She worried that people would think she was a slut, or a whore. That she wanted the things that happened with her uncle to happen. She was pretty sure it was why Dina had toned down her commentary on the girl’s style. Even though her best friend found it tacky, she didn’t want to make Cat feel bad. Dina wasn’t petty like that; she didn’t hurt people just for the sake of hurting them.  

“Can we just…?” Cat raised an eyebrow, pulling out the little baggie and lighter from inside her bra. “Before we go back over there?”

Ellie raised her palms in surrender. “You can, but I’m not in the mood to get killed tonight.” Joel was already in full ‘Papa bear mode,’ as Eugene would call it. She didn’t need to poke the grizzly. 

“Your dad is such an asshole,” she commented, lighting up the pre-rolled, half a joint that she’d brought with her. A familiar defensiveness rose in her chest. He wasn’t that bad; he was just worried. Cat didn’t understand him. “I thought your mom was trying to make you stop. Where’d you even get this stuff?” Ellie asked as her friend blew a cloud of the eye-watering smoke through her mouth and nose.

“From a box of Uncle Ron’s old things. I figure if he can do whatever he wants with me, I can do whatever I want with what he left behind.” She shrugged. “My mom’s been so bitchy since we ‘quit,’” Cat said with finger quotations. “She’d probably take my fucking door off the hinges if she found out I’ve got this. You’ve gotta help me get some off Eugene when I run out. Maybe Dina can do it.”

Ellie chose to ignore the request for now. Her best friend probably wouldn’t steal weed for Cat, but she might do it for Ellie. She could worry about it later.

“You’re not wearing your rocketship necklace,” Cat pointed out. 

“Yeah… It doesn’t really go with the whole—” She made a wide sweeping gesture over her costume. “Well, are you gonna put it back on after?” the girl interrogated, taking one last deep inhale before snubbing the joint on the wall and sealing it back in the bag.

“Probably.” It was her favourite birthday gift. 

“But it doesn’t mean anything, does it?” her friend pushed. “Like it’s just because you’re friends? —You’re still my girlfriend, right?”

Girlfriend?… Still?? Ellie swallowed. “It’s just a friendship necklace, that’s all,” she assured, taking a moment to catch up. They’d never said it out loud before, her and Cat. She hadn’t really known what to think because she didn’t have any experience dating. Riley had died before they’d ever gotten the chance to make things official. 

Ellie wondered if Dina would be mad at her for confirming it? If Joel would be. Should she tell her dad? Or should she just let him assume?— The questions were sucked out of her brain as Cat closed the gap between them, joining their lips, her friend’s hand splaying across Ellie’s ribs, just below her bra. Her girlfriend’s hand, she mentally corrected herself. 

They’d kissed a few times since Salt Lake City: soft, chaste pecks on the lips, but this time was different. Cat’s tongue snaked its way into her mouth, and Ellie barely had time to think about the fact that she’d never kissed anyone like this, before a tingle erupted in her lower belly. Her hands shook as she raised them up to hover by the other girl’s sides, then dropped them back down again to rest stiffly at hers. She didn’t know where to put them. 

“You kind of look like a teddy bear,” Cat giggled, her voice low and wispy as she came up for air, then inched forward again and parted her lips so they could continue the kiss. “You’re so beautiful,” Ellie confessed between breaths, red heat staining her neck and cheeks. She didn’t know how to say that she liked the way Cat dressed to Dina without sounding like a pervert; she liked the girl’s tattoos, and she liked watching the taut muscles in her belly flex and contract when she moved. 

Ugh. You ARE a fucking pervert. You’re a fucking David incarnate. HE made you this way.

A man stumbled into the alleyway, interrupting her self-deprecating thoughts; he cleared his throat. Ellie looked up to find Little Darin clutching a bottle of beer to his chest, a wide smile spreading across his ugly face. “No— Keep going; don’t mind me,” he slurred. “I’ll watch.” 

Ellie crossed a protective arm over Cat’s torso, shifting the girl behind her. Now would be a great fucking time to be carrying around a gun and bullets, Maria. For fuck sakes. She didn’t have anything to defend herself with, and even though she no longer needed to wear the finger brace, she wasn’t supposed to punch anything, or anyone for a few more weeks according to Dr. Joel.

“Fuck off, Darin,” Ellie tried.

“I’m serious,” he snickered, propping himself up against the wall so he could stand without wobbling. “I think it’s time for us to mend fences, and you fuckin’ owe me—”  

“Ellie—“ Cat seized a handful of her painted t-shirt, urging her to act. “C’mon,” Ellie said, reaching for her girlfriend’s wrist to lead her back to the party. “He’s not gonna do anything; he’s too much of a fucking pussy.”

Darin grabbed her shoulder, reacting to her taunt. “You don’t have to be such a little bitch about it,” he mimicked her words to him that day at the construction site. “I wanna see Jackson’s two baby dykes swap some spit— Or do you want me to go get your daddy? You want me to tell him what his little princess is out here doing?”

Ellie snorted. “You go ahead and tell him,” she challenged, wrenching her body away from him. “See how that works out for you.”

“C’mon Kitty Cat—” Darin said then, reaching for her girlfriend. He smelled like a combination of sour beer and tobacco. The familiar nickname set off an explosion of rage inside her mind, like one of Bill’s nail bombs tearing through her brain. He could do that to Ellie, fine. Whatever. She could fucking take care of herself, but Cat? Ellie’s fists clenched and she turned around, but they were interrupted by an angry male voice heading in their direction.

“Get the hell away from them!” Jesse snarled, stepping in front of Ellie and Cat. Dina caught up to them; she was wearing a disturbed frown. “We were getting worried,” she whispered as she approached. 

“Woah—“ the man drawled. “Calm down Chino. Your friends were just in the middle of givin’ me a little show here.” He waggled his eyebrows. 

“Go fuck yourself, man,” Jesse snapped, shaking his head as he herded all three of them away from the scene. “What a fucking pig,” he swore, turning around to scowl at the guy as they walked.

“You didn’t need to do that. I can take care of myself.” Ellie crossed her arms over her chest stubbornly, about to give her friend shit for getting involved, but before she had the chance, Cat let out a troubled sigh. “Did you hear what he called me?” 

“What did he call you?” Dina asked, and her question opened the floodgates. It took a while to get Cat calmed down after that; she didn’t want to waste what was left of her stash, and by the time they had her smiling and laughing again, the Halloween portion of the party was dying down and Joel was searching for her so they could head home. Ellie didn’t see Darin again that night, but she kept her eyes peeled. If there was one person who had an issue with them, there were probably more, and she wasn’t going to put up with it. Cat had already suffered enough; it was Ellie’s responsibility to protect her. She needed to talk to her dad.

Chapter Text

Joel poured himself a glass of water from the bathroom sink and closed his eyes, rubbing his fingers back and forth along his browline. He needed to quit drinkin’ so damn much at these events. Needed to quit lettin’ Tommy influence him. Ellie shouldn’t see him with a beer in his hand all the time, and it wasn’t like she didn’t know what went into his coffee in the evenings. He’d changed into a pair of ratty, gray sweats, exchanging his button up for a t-shirt. Then he used the facilities, brushed his teeth, and gave himself a mental nudge to remind Ellie to brush hers; he knew she’d washed her makeup off because she’d left the dirty cloth on the sink for Joel to pick up, but it would be just like her to forget the teeth. 

His bed was calling him, eyelids heavy after a long day’s work combined with too many hours spent outside in the evening. Joel was planning to sleep for a solid six or seven hours, maybe wake up early to cook them a nice breakfast in the morning— But when he opened the bathroom door with his water in hand, Ellie was sitting in the hallway, knees pulled up to her chest waiting for him. Unlike some of her other telltale behaviours, like crawling into his bed, or acting younger than fifteen, waiting for him outside the bathroom door wasn’t just an indicator, but a sure fire sign that something was wrong.

She had been quieter than usual on the walk home. 

His daughter was clad in a pair of dark blue plaid jammie pants and an oversized mens’ t-shirt, one of them ones she’d picked out in their first week that went all the way down to her knees. “Can you lay with me till I fall asleep?” she asked, and of course Joel agreed.

Even through the malted barley haze, he knew that there would be precious few opportunities left to snuggle his daughter to sleep. Fewer now that they seemed to be at odds with one another on a regular basis, bickering about every little thing. 

Ellie’s double bed was plenty big enough for the both of them, though the mattress was a little softer than he liked. Still, he’d slept on worse in his life, and the lack of firmness didn’t stop him from sinking into it, willing himself to keep his eyes open as his daughter squiggled around to lay with her head at the end of the bed, and her feet in his face. “Ellie—” he sighed, trying to push them away. 

“What?” she shot back; he could hear the defensive edge to her voice.

“Can you lay normally, please?” he tried. She let out a loud, frustrated huff, and kicked her pillow into the headboard so Joel was forced to prop himself up on his elbow. “Can you lay normally, please?” she mimicked rudely. 

“Alright,” Joel sighed. “We’ll talk in the mornin’,” he said, patting her calf before rolling onto his back so he could stand. He was too tired to go back and forth like this with her tonight. If she was really that upset, she could come lay with him in the big bed when she was feelin’ less confrontational. 

“Wait—” Ellie grabbed onto his ankle. “Don’t go,” she ordered. His daughter huffed again, then flattened herself belly-first onto the mattress, defeated by his no- nonsense attitude. “I’ll stop. I wanna talk to you about something, but I don’t want you to get mad at me.”

Here we go. Every now and then, the tough love approach worked with her. Joel softened his voice. “When have I ever gotten mad at you for talkin’ to me?”

The question was of course excluding their time together pre-Colorado, back when he’d actively discouraged her from sharing her feelings. She grumbled something that sounded like, “never” into the blankets, “— but it’s about Cat,” Ellie clarified. “You always get mad at me for talking about Cat.”

“I don’t always get mad at you—”

“It’s just that you don’t like her as much as you like Dina,” she cut him off. “I can tell, and it always feels like you’re mad when I want to hang out with her. It’s like you’re blaming Cat for what happened with Ron when it wasn’t her fault.”

Alright, Joel wasn’t sure what brought this on tonight, but he could see where this was coming from— She had assumed an intense, protective role over her friend. Ellie was taking the trouble with Cat real personally, and ever since Salt Lake City, that seemed to be the thing driving a wedge between them. Didn’t seem like a bad idea to mend fences, talk about it a bit and put any bad feelings to rest. “What Ron did wasn’t Cat’s fault, honey. I know that,” he reassured.

“But you don’t like the way she acts.” Ellie sat up to look at him. “She only acts that way because of Ron, so it’s like you’re judging her for it… Like you’re saying she’s the problem, or it’s her fault that she’s fucked up from it. Cat already thinks getting raped was her fault. She thinks Ron did it because of how she dresses, or because of how she acts, but it’s not fair to make her feel that way.”

Because she was taking this so personally, Joel had to be very careful with how he formulated his response. This wasn’t the time to express his concern over the influence Cat might have on her. When it came down to it, and as much as she insisted otherwise, Ellie wasn’t really talking about her friend here. He needed to keep that in mind. “You’re right,” he admitted gently. “It ain’t fair to make her feel that way. Maybe that’s somethin’ I need to take more into consideration.” 

Better to let her have this one. Some things just weren’t worth arguing over. Joel hoped that his easy acceptance of responsibility conveyed the subtle message he was trying to send. No matter what she did or didn’t do, Cat was not to blame for what her uncle did to her; therefore, Ellie was not to blame for what David and his men did to her last winter.

Ellie was in the middle of exiling her feet to the end of the bed when he spoke, slowly worming herself around into the spot by his side, inch by inch. “So, you won’t be mad if Cat’s my girlfriend?” she asked, holding her breath to await his answer, like she was bottling up her courage. 

Was that what this was about? Joel tucked a strand of auburn behind her ear. “I won’t be mad.” Worried? Scared shitless? Contemplating the cruel passage of time? Yes— But mad? Never.

“Ok.” She breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Joel took that as the confirmation he’d been waiting for. The one he’d been expecting since that little broom closet incident in Salt Lake City. Since his chat with Lena. His daughter was silent for a moment. Then, when she did start up again, it was with renewed hesitation. Ellie hid her face in his arm. “Remember how a long time ago, when we did the journal I asked if you ever accidentally got… you know…” she squirmed, “— like when we’re snuggling?”

Joel’s mind was having difficulty keeping up with the sudden change of topic. Sometimes when Ellie told a story, she had trouble getting to the point of that story before the person listening petered out. He was used to her long-winded methods of explanation— But it was harder to stay focused when his eyelids were heavy with exhaustion, and the gears in his brain turned sluggishly. Didn’t matter whether it was beer or bourbon; everything was stronger in Jackson. 

If only he had a time machine, he would go back a handful of hours and warn himself to keep a clear head tonight. That he needed to have his wits about him to avoid reacting to Ellie in a way that would make her feel self-conscious. He closed his eyes as a last ditch effort to mask his blurry focus. Continued to run his fingers through her hair as a distraction, to give her the illusion of closeness. “Yeah, I remember.” 

“Sometimes that happens to me when I’m with Cat,” she confessed, still restless. “Like sometimes I think about doing bad stuff with her even though I don’t want to. It’s like there’s a part of me that does want to. Like David’s still inside me. I feel like he’s controlling me and making me think evil thoughts—”

“Like David’s still inside me.” The words bounced around in his head, as though the walls of his skull were made of polypropylene instead of bone. Christ, he didn’t want that image in his mind. That wasn’t what she’d meant by it anyways; his daughter was referring more to the abstract, to those imaginary cells, or invading particles that she’d invented.

“Ellie,” Joel tried to soothe. 

“No, but what if he made me like him?” she insisted, her eyes wide and wild as she twisted around again, this time scrabbling onto her knees, urgency turning to panic. “What if he made me sick too?” 

“Ellie,” he said again, reaching for her. She held one of his large hands with both her small ones and sucked in deep, rapid breaths. “You are not sick,” Joel stressed. “It’s normal to think those thoughts at your age. It ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed of— It’s all part of growin’ up.”

“I know but—”

“Do you think your friends are sick?” He stopped her. “Dina? Cat? What about Jesse? You think he’s like David?” It was risky business framing it like that, because if her answer was yes, then Joel had opened up a whole new can of worms without meaning to.

“No but—” This time it was Ellie who interrupted her own thought. “It’s just how I feel,” she told him, pulling away so she could wrap her arms around her belly like a shield.

“And that’s ok,” he said, still from his position laying down on the bed, “— but you need to remember that just cos you feel it, don’t make it true.” Joel was being too combative, and he knew it. He was rushing her. Here she was trusting him, opening up to him of her own free will, and he couldn’t even let her get the words out before he started tryin’ to fix it. That wasn’t what she needed. It never had been. Didn’t he tell Lena the same thing in that waiting room at the hospital in Salt Lake City? 

You don’t have to fix her. You CAN’T fix her. Joel closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Ellie,” he sighed. 

“Why?” She sounded confused, a little prickly. She had every right to be. He’d gotten her riled up and now he couldn’t get her back down; it was his fault.

“I’m just sorry,” he repeated. 

His apology softened her. “It’s ok.” She stuck her thumb in her mouth to gnaw at the end of the nail, moving and fidgeting until she came to rest in a spot facing away from him, still close, but staring at the desk across the room. Ellie liked when he tickled her back; it relaxed her, so that was what he did. If he couldn’t make her feel better with words, he could do it with touch, his fingertips running up and down the length of her spine. “I ain’t tryin’ to tell you how to feel, honey. S’just that it’s hard for me to see you hurting, ‘specially when I can’t do nothin’ to help.” 

“You help,” she said after a moment of silence. “You always help.” Oh yeah— Make her feel bad. Make her comfort you. Good job, asshole. 

The only sounds between them were those of their own shared breathing, Ellie’s slower than his. So slow in fact, that Joel started to wonder if she’d slipped into unconsciousness. He couldn’t see her face from this angle. Either way, Joel figured he’d better leave her be. Kiss her goodnight. Go back to his own goddamn room instead of sharing a bed with his fifteen-year-old again. She’d asked him to stay till she fell asleep, not after— If he was gonna get up, he’d better do it soon, cos his limbs were already heavy, reluctant to move. Voices and foggy images danced behind his eyelids, and the rest of his faculties were fading fast… real fucking fast…

“Joel?” Ellie questioned softly. The gentle prompt shook him awake. S’alright, it’s just Ellie. She’s fine; she’s right here… He grumbled something unintelligible in response. 

“Wake up.” She clothes-pinned his nose shut with her fingers so he was forced to take a gasping breath. “Jesus Ellie—” he cursed, but the reprimand died on his lips before he could continue. 

“I have to tell you one more thing.”

He was just nodding off again when she finished her thought, cuddling his arms to her chest. He could feel her eyes on his face, watching for his reaction to her words, “Darin saw me and Cat kissing in the alley and he said he wanted to watch. Then, when I told him to fuck off, he called us dykes.” 

Wait… What? Joel sat up abruptly, jostling Ellie; his eyes snapped open. “Say that again.”  

Chapter Text

Tommy!” Joel called, banging on his brother’s door with a wall-shaking force.

The younger Miller never bothered to lock the damn thing, so he let himself inside without waiting for a reply, glad in that moment that he didn’t have Ellie trailing after him. The last thing his girl needed to see right now was Uncle Tommy having ‘evil thoughts,’ all over Auntie Maria.

“For fuck’s sake,” his brother cursed, rolling off the couch and stepping in front of his wife to block Joel from seeing the woman without a shirt. He had the decency to look away while his sister-in-law arranged herself. “What the hell’s the matter with you?” Tommy growled again, yanking an undershirt on over his boxers. His eyes fell to Joel’s bloody knuckles, his wild appearance. The younger man’s tone dropped lower. “Where’s Ellie?”

“She’s at home sleepin’,” he said. 

Tommy eyed him suspiciously. “What did you do?”

“Less than what was deserved,” Joel responded; he knew it sounded ominous, but he couldn’t control it. He was still aching with rage. It was a wonder he’d left the skinny motherfucker alive. He’d smashed skulls for a lot less in his lifetime. “I didn’t kill no one,” he reassured. 

Maria massaged her forehead with her fingers now that she was dressed and upright. She let out a long sigh, waiting to speak. As much as they’d gotten off on the wrong foot last fall, Tommy’s wife didn’t dislike him. Most of the time, she regarded him as family, with a level of care and respect Joel was sure he didn’t always deserve— Most of the time he didn’t go around dealing out his own personal brand of justice against members of her town that had wronged him. Trouble was, it wasn’t him who was wronged, and he couldn’t stand by and watch Ellie get hurt. Not this time.