Work Text:
February 18, 2015
Oikawa-san,
Sorry it’s been a while since my last letter. Things have been crazy with graduation approaching, and Yachi’s been organizing get-togethers with the club every day even though she cries every time we all leave to go home. I don’t mind, though. I’ll miss everyone, even Tsukishima.
How’s the weather in Argentina? It’s been raining nonstop the past week here—it even snowed two days ago—so I’m jealous of the warm weather you’re probably enjoying. Are you on the beach right now? Hinata’s been obsessed with beach volleyball and won’t shut up about how much he thinks it would help improve his skills. Have you tried it? Wouldn’t it be funny if you and Hinata ran into each other somewhere and played beach volleyball together? I bet you look good with a tan. I hope you’re remembering to wear sunblock.
I stopped by our bakery the other day, the one near the station by your house. I was thinking of going on Valentine’s Day, but… Anyway. The owner was there and she was so happy to see me; she’d thought that I’d been sick or something, so she gave me a few loaves of milk bread to take home. She asked how you were. I told her that you were great and that you had a match coming up. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t really know. I hope you don’t think too badly of me for that.
I slept through the night last night. I haven’t had any visions since the day you ended things, but I had a lot of nightmares. I could never remember what they were about though, so I’m not sure if you were in them. I wouldn’t wake up crying like with the visions. But I would start crying when I realized you weren’t here and that I was alone. It’s been getting better, though.
Sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. Though I imagine you wouldn’t. You’d probably say that I deserved it. Maybe I did. If that makes you happy at all, in some way, then I’m glad.
Oikawa-san, you probably think that because I already knew from the visions that you would leave, my heart didn’t break. You probably think that I didn’t care. Maybe you even think that I was happy. Because I got what I wanted, and you lost everything.
Oikawa-san, please know that that’s not true. My heart broke a second time. And it hurt just as much as it did the first time, in my vision. I cried after you left, and every day after that for a long time. Like I said before, I had a lot of nightmares. I promise I did suffer. I still do, even though it’s a little more bearable now. And you didn’t lose anything. The three months we had together are yours to keep.
Remember when I explained about the visions after you asked how I knew that you were leaving Japan, leaving me? That I started seeing them even before you confessed to me (exactly as you did in the vision), that I knew how we would end even before we began? You told me that I was so selfish. And I told you that I knew that. And you told me you wished you’d never confessed, that we’d never gotten together. You told me that I made the wrong choice.
I didn’t get a chance to tell you that I don’t think I did. Those three months—our three months—that we were together were perfect. Don’t you remember saying that all the time? “We’re perfect.” “Our day today was perfect.” “I’m perfectly happy.” How many people get to say that they experienced perfect happiness with someone else? Whatever you feel now doesn’t replace what you felt then. It doesn’t for me.
Sometimes I wish more visions would come to me so that I can see you. Even if I don’t know what you’re doing, I’d like to know what you will do. Will you get married? That would be nice, wouldn’t it? I know you’ll still be playing volleyball. I’d like to see that too.
But I suppose this must mean that whatever you’ll do, you’ll do it without me. I only ever had visions of our future, after all. I guess those three months were the only time we were meant to have together. And that’s OK, right? That’s for the best, don’t you think? For the both us? Before we got together, I had already accepted the idea of never having you. You were this bright thing that I thought I could only ever love from afar. For someone like me to have held something so brilliant as you even briefly is enough.
I don’t need visions of the future to know that you would always be mine to lose, no matter what choice I made.
But you, Oikawa-san? Your desire for what’s ahead of you would always have tasted of longing for what was behind you. There would always have been wondering in your wanting. And while I know you’ll never be completely satisfied, that kind of wanting will make you weak.
Well, it’s getting late now, and you probably have things that you need to get back to, too. I know I should just throw these away—there’s no chance of me ever sending any of them to you, don't worry—but like you said, I’m selfish.
I’ll try to write again before graduation, but if I don't, I’ll definitely write after and tell you all about it. I hope you have a good day. If you have any upcoming matches, I know you’ll win.
Love,
Tobio