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The first time it happens is after the funeral. It’s a small gathering, only the people who were closest to Clay attend but Mr. Wright offered to pick Apollo up after the ceremony, probably not trusting the young man to get home safely.
And Apollo, for once, didn’t argue, and he thinks he made the right decision even when he sees the red sports car parking on the side of the road, patiently waiting for him.
Mr. Wright is not alone, of course, Apollo forgot the man can’t drive, but perhaps it’s better off this way, because with the Chief Prosecutor in the driver’s seat Apollo can’t bring himself to cry, and he knows his bloodshot eyes will thank him later.
The ride is relatively silent, only the soft music on the radio and the sounds of the engine fill the vehicle. That is, until they stop in front of Apollo’s apartment complex.
“Apollo” Mr. Wright says when the younger attorney reaches for the door.
Apollo doesn’t say anything but stops for a moment, meeting the man’s eyes in the rearview mirror. Those deep, dark eyes full of understanding, and Apollo has to tear his gaze away because they remind him too much of Clay’s.
That thought hurts much more than he thinks it should. The pain that shots through him makes him want to curl up into a ball. How can someone so different from his best friend look at him the same way? How can someone have Clay’s eyes? How can someone have the same considerate look?
“I- Look, I know this is a very difficult time for you but… I just wanted you to know that if you need help or- or anything, we’re here so don’t be afraid to reach out, okay?”
He gives Apollo a small smile and the young attorney only nods, not looking him in the eye, because he knows that if he does, he’ll just cry again. He already feels the wetness of the tears but he doesn’t know if they are fresh or just the ones left unshed from the funeral.
He reaches for the door handle again and this time his boss doesn’t stop him.
He walks to the front door, feeling the man’s eyes on him, and he only hears the car speed down the street when he’s out of their sight, behind the closed door of the building.
Only then he allows himself to break down.
--
Apollo decided to stay at the Agency late since he had so much work to do. (He always seems to have work to do these days. Not that he minds. It’s good distraction and it’s not like anyone’s waiting for him at home. Not anymore…)
It’s been a month since Clay’s death and even though Apollo feels a little better, he’s sure that he will never be the same. There are wounds he’ll carry for the rest of his life, wounds that’ll never heal fully.
And that’s how he finds himself sitting on the couch in the main room with Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, sipping on the best tea Apollo has ever tasted. The man appeared seemingly out of nowhere and now he’s watching the young attorney with an expression that made Apollo want to throw himself out the window.
“This is…nice” he breaks the awkward silence, referring to the cup of hot liquid in his hands.
“I’m very glad you like it, Mr. Justice. It is one of my favorite brands” explains the prosecutor and silence settles in once again. Thankfully, not long enough for Apollo to suffocate. Not that the words that leave the older man’s mouth are any better than the quiet.
“But I’m not here to talk about tea, and I’m sure a man as intelligent as you knows that.”
And Apollo just nods, that seems to be all he does these days. The prosecutor continues.
“Wright informed me that you’ve been staying late for the past few weeks and he sent me to talk some sense into you” he takes a sip from his tea. “I am also someone who has the tendency to, as Phoenix often puts it, work myself to death, but I assure you that it does no good in the long run. It might be nice to run away from our problems and burry ourselves in paperwork but it’s not a long-term solution, and it is definitely not good for one’s health.”
Apollo’s suddenly reminded of a conversation he had with Clay a few months back, one where the astronaut shot him a concerning look and told him that he shouldn’t work so much, that he should take a break. His voice was soft but firm, resembling Mr. Edgeworth’s so much; or maybe it’s the other way around?
Either way, Apollo feels guilty when the flashback ends. Guilty, because he could’ve spent more time with Clay, if only he didn’t have to work that much, if only he decided that the case could wait, that whatever paperwork was sitting on his desk would still be there in the morning. He could’ve spent more time with his friend and now he regrets every wasted minute.
“Go home, Apollo. Get some rest” the prosecutor says, the softness of his voice is out of character, reminding the young attorney of his best friend so much that for a moment he actually believes it’s a message from Clay. Maybe it is. Apollo believes in the afterlife, he knows that Clay is out there somewhere, watching out for him. And he owes his friend this much, doesn’t he? Maybe if he goes home now he can stop blaming himself for all those nights he spent at work instead of being with Clay.
He feels like crying but he knows he can’t. He’s had a good two weeks without tears, he’s not gonna break that record now.
Instead he thanks the Chief Prosecutor and tells him that he’ll take his advice and Phoenix Wright smiles the next day when Apollo announces that he’s going home early.
--
Apollo has never been particularly close with Solomon Starbuck, not the same way Clay’s been anyway. Sure, he’s a friend and they talked a good few times in the past but Apollo’s not sure he knows a lot about the man.
Still, it feels like the right thing to do when the astronaut invites him to the Space Center late March.
“How are you?” ask the man, his dyed red hair longer than Apollo remembers, not to mention the tired look he shots him. He looks almost as bad as Apollo, and that’s the reason the attorney decides to answer the question honestly. Because if there’s someone else who understands what it’s like to live in a world without Clay Terran, then it’s Solomon.
“I’m fine but I know it’ll never be the same” he says with a sad smile and the astronaut mirrors his expression.
“I know the feeling.”
They walk in silence through the empty hallways and Apollo has no idea where they’re going until the man stops in front of a large double door and starts to speak.
“I’m not supposed to show this to people who aren’t employees but… I’m doing this for him.”
The name’s left unsaid but Apollo knows who they’re talking about here.
“I think he would do the same. He wasn’t one to follow rules like these” the attorney says, smiling at the memories of him and Clay sneaking into the Space Center after closing hours more often than he dares to count.
“Oh, trust me, I know. I remember when I found you two sleeping in the planetarium only a year ago” the astronaut chuckles and Apollo feels the tip of his ears go red.
Of course Solomon remembers; they probably made an interesting sight: two grown men cuddled up in one of the seats of the planetarium with Clay’s jacket over them as a blanket. What Starbuck doesn’t know is that that wasn’t the only time they’ve done that, but regardless Apollo will forever be glad for him not telling anyone else at the Center because he was sure that little incident would have gotten Clay fired, no matter how much the young astronaut insisted that it was fine.
Solomon opens the door eventually, inviting Apollo in with a gesture of his hand.
The room on the other side is huge, with high ceilings and metal stands. The reflectors are pointed at a half-assembled space craft in the middle, painting it in a harsh artificial glow.
“This is our next project, the HAT-3” the astronaut explains, clapping the metal surface of the rocket. “Isn’t she beautiful?”
And he says that with admiration that instantly reminds Apollo of Clay. And there’s a weird and unpleasant tingle at the tips of his fingers he can’t quite place yet.
“Yeah, she’s nice. Really… big” he replies, trying to keep his voice even.
Solomon’s eyes are glued the ship; he clearly loves the damned thing.
“I’m chosen as the lead astronaut for the project. We’re supposed to head for the Moon in a few months with this baby” he says, giving the craft one last tap before stepping away to admire it from afar.
And the tingle in Apollo’s fingers spreads through the entirety of his arms. He’s…angry. Why is he so angry? Sure, this was supposed to be Clay’s dream, and Clay was supposed to be the one to get to the Moon, to look at the spaceship with the smile that Solomon currently sports…
It shouldn’t make Apollo this angry, especially not at the older man in front of him, but it does.
He wants to punch him because a sick and twisted part of him blames the astronaut for his friend’s death. A part of him wishes it was Solomon lying six feet deep instead of Clay. And Apollo knows it’s wrong to think like that, he knows that the man had nothing to do with the murder and he knows he shouldn’t wish death upon someone.
Yet, he can’t help the fury he feels, he can’t help the way he walks up to the astronaut and grabs him by the collar, ready to fight, ready to hit him…
He looks into the man’s eyes and Solomon stares back at him, pupils blown wide with fear, just at the brink of a panic attack. And Apollo is suddenly mortified by his own actions.
He let’s go of the man and takes a good few steps away from him.
“I- I should go” he manages, and then turns on his heels and runs, not looking back at bewildered astronaut.
The anger returns as soon as he leaves the Space Center, but he’s not angry at Starbuck anymore. He’s angry at himself. He was ready to hurt someone, someone who is innocent, who has nothing to do with the pain Apollo’s going through. He was ready to hit Solomon because he reminded him of Clay and Apollo was suddenly very afraid of actually going through with the act the next time he sees Mr. Wright’s eyes or hears the worry in Mr. Edgeworth’s voice.
Or…
What if he hurts Trucy?
He can’t let that happen.
--
So what Apollo does is distancing himself from everyone and anyone who could even remotely remind him of his best friend. He thought he was over the depression phase of grieving but he was wrong.
Dealing with this alone is hard, but he couldn’t live with the guilt of actually hurting someone. And he’s doing a good job at shutting people out. Nobody has questioned the sudden change in his behavior.
That is, until he gets home one night, only to find Klavier Gavin sitting on his couch with Mikeko in his lap.
“How did you get in?” Apollo asks without greeting him.
“Guten Abend to you too, Herr Forehead” the blond says, giving him a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
Apollo feels his anger rising again, so he doesn’t move. He stands still, awkwardly by the door, his keys still in his hand but he doesn’t move. Because if he does, he might hurt Klavier, and he just can’t let that happen.
But the prosecutor isn’t aware of Apollo’s thoughts, so he stands up, placing the cat down before he walks up to him, slow but not cautious.
“This is an intervention, Apollo. We’ve noticed that you’ve been distancing yourself lately and I went to ask Herr Wright but he said you just needed more time and I… I thought I had to do something about it if no one else would” Klavier explains and he places his hands on Apollo’s shoulder to pull him into a gentle hug.
And that does it for the shorter man, because the keys hit the floor with a loud clatter and the anger leaves his body, replaced by emptiness and hurt.
The embrace is warm and Apollo can’t remember the last time he’s been hugged. He’s not against physical affection but he never really liked initiating contact. Except with Clay but Clay was an exception when it came to many other things as well. And now Clay’s gone. And Apollo is hit with the realization once again that he would never be back. He can never hug him again, or kiss him, or hold his hands.
He doesn’t realize he started crying until he hears Klavier’s soft whispers.
“It’s alright. Let it out” he says and puts a hand on the other’s head, stroking his hair.
That’s another sharp knife to the chest and Apollo lets out an ugly sob because Clay used to do that, he used to comfort him like that, play with the horn-like locks on Apollo’s head until he calmed down. But Clay is not here, and no matter how much Klavier reminds Apollo of him, he’ll never be Clay.
No one can ever replace Clay and Apollo feels like he just can’t deal with the hollowness that numbs his body.
--
Things do get better after that. Klavier convinces him that he should go out more often and see his friends and he tells him that he shouldn’t distance himself and shut out the people he cares about. And Apollo knows he talks from experience from the way he doesn’t look the attorney in the eye or how he fidgets with the blond braid that falls on his shoulder. (He silently makes a promise to himself to spend more time with the man and just talk, because the prosecutor is one of the kindest people Apollo has ever met, and like so many people around him, he deserves happiness. And maybe Apollo deserves happiness too. He can’t quite accept that just yet, though.)
The first thing he does after he goes to work the next morning is to ask for a two-week paid leave. He wants to take a break from work but not from the people he loves, he decides, so he spends almost every evening at the WAA because somehow every evening has turned to be a game night.
It’s one of those evenings now, when after a long and intense game of UNO Apollo gives up on trying to win and goes out to the balcony to get some fresh air.
“Is it alright if I stay here with you?” ask a small voice from by the door and Apollo turns his attention from the cloudy sky to the magician.
“Sure is, Trucy” he says and shots her a small smile for emphasis.
The girl has been worrying about him more than anyone else in these past months and Apollo low-key hates himself for that because out of all people, Trucy should be worried the least. She deserves the world and Apollo gave her anxiety instead.
The young magician walks up to him and leans on the railing.
“It’s a nice night. Although it would be much better if we could see the stars” she says, staring at the dark sky above. Apollo hums in agreement.
Then he gets an idea, a plan to do something he should’ve done a long time ago. He wants to spend more time with Trucy and there’s a perfect opportunity.
“If you’d like, we can go to the planetarium and see all the stars you wish. I can ask Solomon to let us in after hours” offers Apollo. He needs to apologize to the astronaut anyway after the incident in March. Well, two birds with one stone.
“You think Mr. Starbuck would do that?” ask the magician with a bright smile. A smile that is eerily similar to the grins Clay used to shot him, all toothy and full of happiness.
And Apollo wonders how two people can be so different, yet so similar, and bring so much joy into his life. Apollo feels like he doesn’t deserve Trucy, the same way he didn’t deserve Clay. But he’s not going to let that familiar beast of depression take over him. No. Because there’s warmth in his chest, a feeling that is more positive than negative. He feels… glad. Glad, that the universe gave him two amazing people to look after him. Two people he can truly call family.
“Is everything alright, Polly?” asks Trucy, scanning the man with worried eyes.
Apollo just shakes his head but there’s a smile on his face.
“I- I think so” he says and takes a deep breath before he tells her the first thing on his mind. “It’s just… your smile reminds me of him.”
And Trucy hugs him tight after those words. She’s a clever girl; she knows whom Apollo is talking about.
But this time she misinterpreted his words, or perhaps Apollo still had that sadness in his voice.
“I’m sorry” she says, voice muffled by the attorney’s chest.
“No, don’t be. It’s- it’s a good thing” he tells her and pulls away to look into her eyes. “I’m- I don’t know how to say this. There are all these feelings, all these emotions that contradict each other and sometimes they make my head hurt but… trust me when I say that your smile is the best thing I could ask for.”
The magician gives him a smile, weaker than the one before but just as wonderful. And then she goes back to hugging him.
“You know you can talk to me about him, right? I know I talk too much but I’m not a bad listener. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, of course, but if you need someone, I’m here. I’ll always be here” she mumbles.
And Apollo knows that and he wants to tell Trucy about Clay, he wants to tell her the funny parts and the sad parts and everything else in-between. He just doesn’t know where to start. How can you sum up a decade-long relationship? How can you tell others about the most important person in your life? How can you talk about happiness when you feel like you’ve lost it and you’ll never get it back?
But maybe he doesn’t need a good explanation. Maybe he doesn’t need long sentences and sophisticated words to talk about Clay. Because Trucy would understand, no matter how simple or short the answer is. So Apollo takes a deep and shaky breath before he gives an answer.
“There are no words for how much I loved him, Trucy” he says, eyes fixed on the clouds in the distance. “And it hurts… so much that some days I don’t think I’ll make it.”
Trucy holds him tighter at that.
“But right now, I just feel glad. Because I’m here and because I have so many amazing people around me” he explains and puts a hand on the girl’s head to stroke her hair. “I’m glad I can call you my family, especially you, Trucy.”
He hears the small sob that the magician lets out and suddenly he’s not sure who’s comforting who.
“I’m sorry that I shut you out. You didn’t deserve that. But I was scared because I did things that I regret” he doesn’t meet Trucy’s confused eyes. “I almost hurt someone, because I was angry and- and I thought that if you-“
Now he’s crying as well and Trucy doesn’t let go, her gaze growing more and more concerned before suddenly it softens.
“But you didn’t hurt them, right? I know you could never hurt anyone, Polly” she reassures.
“I punched your dad the first day I met him” says Apollo, letting out a groggy chuckle at the memory, wiping the tears away from his eyes.
“Daddy had it coming” smiles the girl with a shrug and the attorney laughs at that. “And you’re allowed to be angry and sad, and I’m sure everyone understands that but… if you need help with that I know there are several people in the office right now that can recommend a good therapist.”
The man just shakes his head.
“I don’t think I need that kind of help but if or when I do, I’ll make sure to talk to a professional, I promise” he says and lets go of Trucy.
They go back to watching the sky until the air gets too chilly and they decide to go back inside.
“When are we going to the planetarium?” ask Trucy, closing the heavy glass door that leads to the balcony.
“Whenever you want. Although, I do have to ask Solomon, so I guess whenever he can let us in? I also owe him an apology for- for the thing that-“
Trucy shuts him up with an understanding look.
“Just call me when you know the date and time and I’ll be there. Not this Saturday, though, I have a show” she explains as they head further inside the office.
“Noted” Apollo says with a nod.
“Now, what do you say to another round of UNO?” the girl asks, her voice full of excitement.
“I’m gonna win this time” he answers, accepting the challenge.
“Sure you will” she says sarcastically, but shots him a happy and earnest smile. A smile that reminds him of Clay. But Apollo doesn’t mind that at all.