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the one thing about sapnap is that he's always had a soft spot for karl.
it's always been like this, he thinks fondly, even at the beginning of their friendship. there was just something about karl's cosmic smiles that stretched for miles and miles, something about his hair that fell into his eyes, sapnap's fingers itching to fix it for him, to brush away the soft strands so that he could drown in endless blues again. something about the way karl carried himself, all loud and confident but still gentle where he needed to be, reassuring touches and hugs that seemed like they felt like home.
sapnap has yearned for that- for karl, for as long as he can remember. there was just something about the boy that made his heart beat a different rhythm, a soft melody composed of technicolored daydreams and eternal longing. feelings of gentle friendship bloomed into careful love, all of it tentative and so so new, but he thought there's no way he could ever detest anything karl does to him. even if it's making his words die on his tongue whenever karl giggles all loud and carefree, even if it's making him blush a deep shade of red with compliments he's not sure he deserves.
even if it's making him fall in love.
meeting him is strange, but not the bad kind. it's just strange to have him in front of him, all animated and filling up every room he's ever in, occupying sapnap's every sense and every thought. he sees karl at the corner of his vision no matter where he goes, the other boy seemingly lingering around him, trailing after him much like a puppy would. sapnap thinks it endearing, although he never voices it out loud. he hears him all around, loud giggles during the day and quiet whispers in the dead of the night, the boy changing with the cycles of the sun. sapnap thinks it sweet. he smells karl on his bedsheets and on his clothes after a day spent wrapped up in each other, the comforting scent of his shampoo dizzying him. sapnap breathes him in and thinks this the smell of comfort, of bliss- of home.
he touches karl hesitantly at first, as if he's afraid it'd burn, as if he's afraid of tainting his pure soul. he offers rather than takes; a hand held out for a high five, letting karl clasp his fingers around his and linger. arms raised and open, waiting, letting karl slot himself into his embrace, head buried in sapnap's neck, sighing his soul softly into his skin. sapnap keeps that bit of his essence locked away with all the other pieces. legs parting on the couch as he sits watching some dumb cartoon, letting karl settle between them with his back against his chest, reaching for sapnap's hands and wrapping them around himself.
he offers and lets karl take, all that he can give.
he thinks about what karl would taste like on his tongue, kissing him hard and deep, swallowing his gasps and whimpers. he thinks about what his late night and early morning kisses would be like, if they would be sweet or laced with desperation; his touch-drunk sighs hot on sapnap's lips. he thinks about the taste of his flesh under his teeth as he'd nip and bite, painting his skin with pretty reds and pinks, his boy with his marks for all the world to see.
but karl's not his boy; not yet, not exactly. sapnap doesn't know what they are, doesn't even know how to put into words what he himself wants, but knows that the way his heart threatens to beat out of his chest whenever they touch or whenever karl smiles at him softer than the moon and brighter than the sun is not something friends feel for each other. his palms sweat and his fingertips buzz with longing and excitement, ribs caving in and lungs shaking, but whatever this feeling is, it makes him feel light and infinite, a soft grin on his face that only karl knows the way of putting there.
he feels selfish sometimes when they go to sleep in separate rooms, his bed cold without a familiar body pressed against his side. he feels selfish as it's just him and the darkness that surround him, the black silhouettes of greed dancing around him, laughing and grinning at the corner of his vision. because karl does this with everyone else, it's not like sapnap is special at all; he's seen the way the other boy clings to chris or chandler or even quackity when they met up. he's not special but he still wishes he was, and he feels stupid, feels like an idiot, phantom hands closing around his throat and squeezing as he dreams, making him jolt awake and sit up, panting and heaving as he stares into dark nothingness.
all of it is dumb, his vision spinning, the walls of the spare bedroom melting and pooling at the foot of his bed, the rush of his blood drowning out karl's concerned voice as the boy knocks on the door. he only realises he's sobbing once karl sits in front of him and reaches a tentative arm out, his grasp on sapnap's hand grounding him enough to somewhat come back to his senses. karl shushes him and scoots closer when he's sure sapnap won't push him away or panic more, guiding his shaking hands to his ribs and letting him feel the steady rise and fall of his chest. it's a while before sapnap calms, dried tears on his cheeks and a slight shake to his hands still, grasped in karl's now, their fingers intertwined.
he refuses to admit how much that simple touch means to him.
but it's okay when karl reassures him as he tries to apologise for waking him up, it's okay when karl smooths his thumbs over his knuckles, all of him gentle and unhurried. and it's okay when sapnap quietly asks him to stay, karl just smiling and pulling him into his hold, a careful kiss pressed against his forehead before he drifts off, tiredness settling heavy into his bones.
it's okay, because sapnap doesn't have to admit anything.
they don't really talk about it the next morning when they wake pressed against each other, limbs tangled to the point where sapnap doesn't know where karl stops and where he begins. he's glad for it in a way; doesn't know what he could possibly say without baring too much of his soul for the universe to see, and that still scares him more than anything. he doesn't know how to be open and honest, how to be vulnerable in front of others without wanting to wither away, without feeling an itch beneath his skin that he cannot reach and scratch.
karl smiles at him after he blinks awake and looks at him, face puffy with sleep and the early morning sunshine painting a halo around his head. sapnap thinks him ethereal, thinks him so pretty his bones ache with it, hands shaking with the desire to touch. he wonders if karl feels the same, if he too is burning up with the need to caress his cheeks and cup his jaw, to press his lips against his and to his neck and collarbones, mapping his body until he can paint it from memory with the prettiest inks.
sapnap wonders if karl yearns for him the way he does, if karl thinks about him just as much as he does.
the moment stretches long and cosmic, a rubber band held between them by their nimble fingers, testing to see how far they can go. sapnap swallows as he watches karl's eyes dart to his mouth, blinking slow and steady, his tongue poking out to wet his lips unconsciously. and karl's eyes follow, insistent and determined, his hold on sapnap tightening.
"can i kiss you?" the boy asks a moment later, his words warm on sapnap's skin as he mutters them, careful not to ruin the serenity of the morning.
"me?" sapnap asks, dumbfounded and lost, unable to process the words that just left karl's mouth. because it cannot be true, he must be dreaming still; there's no way an angel like karl would want to kiss him. he's not religious, he doesn't live his life free of sin and doesn't pray for forgiveness, there's no way god will let him have this divine being. he doesn't deserve him.
"of course you, dummy," karl giggles, carefree and unaware of the thoughts rushing in sapnap's head, his hand coming to rest on the side of his neck. "what other boy is there in this room that i'm in love with? who else would it be?" and sapnap thinks he might cry with it all, with all that karl is.
and then the other boy is kissing him, so carefully and so damn softly, so unlike anyone has ever done before. it's always been rough mouths pressed against his, insistent hands wandering in hopes of something else, something more, desperate. he's never been kissed like this and it makes him lightheaded, karl's lips slotted with his all feather light and cautious, moving slowly like they have all the time in the world. and there are hands cupping his jaw, thumbs smoothing over his stubble, the touch so gentle it makes him keen, a needy sound swallowed by karl. but it's a different kind of need than the one he knows, it's one that makes his hands shake and his fingertips numb with love, one that makes him pull karl closer by his waist and melt into him fully.
"stay," karl whispers against his lips when they pull away, his breath warm on sapnap's mouth. "stay- one more day, yeah? don't leave tomorrow, we can- we can rearrange it-"
"karl," sapnap mutters because he doesn't know what else to say, the other boy's name tasting sweet on his tongue, his heart heavy in his chest, blissed out and high off love. "karl. karl."
"yeah?" and he looks so bright then, so young and hopeful with his eyes shining in the sunshine that filters into the bedroom, his fingers dancing over sapnap's cheeks, drawing endless shapes onto his skin.
how could sapnap ever say no to him?
"okay," and it feels right; the grin on karl's face and the bone crushing hug he draws him into feels so right he doesn't know how he'll ever live without it again. but he doesn't think about it for now, instead opts to sneak his hands under karl's sweater and splay his hands over his soft skin, the flesh warm to the touch. "okay. i'll stay for a while longer."
it's different when they finally get up and decide to start their day, different from the days prior. before this it was just shy glances and hesitant hands, wandering and wishing to convey that longing they both felt, hoping that one of them will make the first move. now it's touching all over, never separating for even a split second, palms on waists and smalls of backs, fingers curling around ribs and necks, words muffled by insistent lips and confessions swallowed by hungry mouths. sapnap presses karl into the kitchen counter and down on the couch, kisses him until their lips grow numb and their lungs threaten to collapse, drinking him up and ingraining him into his hazy brain.
he tries not to think about how he will have to leave eventually as they lay pressed together on the couch, karl's head pillowed on his chest and his fingers drawing meaningless shapes into his shirt as some cartoon plays on tv. he tries not to think about how their time together is finite even if it feels anything but, about how soon he'll have to go back home to a cold bedroom and quiet nights, lips lonely and his skeleton longing for a certain someone's touch.
he tightens his arms around karl, prompting the boy to raise his head and look at him, eyes curious and an unspoken question of 'are you okay?' lingering in the air. sapnap presses a short kiss to the other's nose, smiling at how karl's face scrunches up and how his cheeks blush a pretty pink, skin warm to the touch.
"i don't want to go home," he mutters, heart tugging at the way karl's smile falls at that, his fingers grasping at sapnap's shirt, knuckles turning white with the force of it. "i don't wanna have to leave you."
"i don't want you to leave either," karl answers, gaze downcast, avoiding eye contact. sapnap reaches a palm to raise his head again, fingers wrapped around his chin gently, noting the sad glint in his eyes. he hates that it's there, that it's technically him that put it there in the first place; wishes to kiss him until it's gone and until it's just them and nothing else, until the sun burns out and the universe ceases to exist. he wants to hold him until all their worries disappear, wants to plant the roots of their love and not fall out of its tree once it grows tall enough to climb, reaching for the stars from the top to place them in the palms of the other boy.
sapnap wants to give him everything; to be his everything.
"i wish i could stay forever," he mutters, thumb smoothing over karl's lips, warmth pooling in his stomach at the gentle kiss he presses against it.
"you could-"
"you know i can't," sapnap cuts in, the harsh reality cold against their skin no matter how close they hold each other, no matter how much they try to keep it away. "i have to go back home."
"you don't," and karl is begging now, pushing himself up until his forehead is pressed against sapnap's, palms cupping his cheek. "you could- this could be your home. if you want it to be. you could stay."
and had it been anyone other than karl sapnap would've made an effort to hide the way his eyes teared up at that, would've swallowed around the lump in his throat and brushed the comment off with a joke. but it's karl, and sapnap's always had a certain weakness for him, ever since the beginning.
for karl he would destroy worlds and create universes, sewing dreams from the burning stars, all for his resting mind and closed eyes to see.
"would you want me to?" sapnap asks, quiet and unhurried, the question cosmic and pushing hard on their shoulders, a shared weight.
"yes, god," and sapnap sits them up carefully, karl on his lap, bodies fitting together in a way that's eternal, written in the core of the universe. "please. please stay."
he breathes out softly, eyes darting to karl's hands in his lap, twisting nervously. he reaches for them because it seems like the right thing to do, because his mind is screaming at him to do so and his heart is threatening to climb out of his throat, threatening to paint the carpet with the harsh reds of their shared love. and sapnap's hands are big where they wrap around karl's, so much larger than the other boy's; and they were made to hold karl's, his fingers moulded to fit prefectly between the other's, rings cold to the touch, warming up when they don't let go. and they don't, and all of it is childish and innocent, as if they were highschool sweethearts experiencing love for the first time, thinking they'll never feel like this for anyone else.
"okay," he mutters at last, raising their intertwined hands and pressing a kiss against the back of karl's hand and to each of his knuckles, revelling at the way karl squeezes them in return, tugging them away and replacing them with his own mouth. and the kiss they share is still so gentle and full of promises of forever, tongues licking behind teeth and fingers holding on like it's the last time they'll be allowed to touch, even if it's not.
even if they have all the time in the world.
"we'll figure it out."