Work Text:
August 22, 2018
Dear Omi-Omi,
It's been a while since we've spoken, I'm sorry about that love. For a long time, I thought that ignoring you was my only option to get over you… seeing as I am writing this now it is quite obvious that I am not (big shocker there).
Well anyway, I hope your parents are treating you good, I know they weren't always the best to ya. I can only hope your ma makes you your favorite snacks while you're there, umeboshi is it? How could I forget! I remember the first time you made me try them, your ears turned so fucking red when I told you they were "just as sweet you”.
Always so cute you were omi-kun, no matter how much you tried to deny it. Pushing me down a flight of stairs while we bickered like children because you couldn't accept a compliment! Come on now baby you know I never lie… and even now I can safely say that you will always be the most beautiful person that I’ll ever lay my eyes on.
I miss ya like crazy, but I guess that’s a given. Started talking to somebody to “fill a void” or some shit I don’t know, at least that’s what Samu told me to do.
What a piece of work that mother fucker is huh? You would think he’d be easy on me, but turns out he’s like a million times harder on me. He acts like our dad, man it makes my head hurt. He should realize that I want to take my own time to grieve… I’m gonna just pretend I know what I’m talking about, I’m just repeating the words my therapist told me.
Funny isn’t it, me seeing somebody else for my problems?
I never thought I would have to stoop so low to the point that I needed to go to a random ass stranger to ask for help. How pathetic, but I guess that’s just what happens when you grow so dependent on a specific routine, or even a specific person in this instance. This now leads me to why I am writing this letter in the first place.
Hello Kiyoomi, my dead lover; I am writing this to get over you.
To somehow get over the loss of one of the most important people in my life, has been since 2nd year and always will be. The person who I could never get sick of because as you can tell even Osamu can drive me mad sometimes. Well anyway, I’m crying like a fucking bitch so let me end this here before I fuck up the paper and the damn ink to this shitty ass pen bleeds everywhere.
I love you.
Atsumu
⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝
September 10, 2018
To Omi,
Good morning babes!! I just know you are cringing at that. Sorry sorry, I just couldn't help myself. I know how much you hate those lovey-dovey pet names, which is why I pestered you with them every minute of the day. I still think it's unfair that you can use them on me but I can’t for you! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!? It's fine though, Omi-kun will always be the cutest nickname.
Obviously, because it was given to you by yours truly. Ya know what, I never got to tell ya the story of how it came to be. It was at the Japan all youth training camp. You really caught my eye from the start Omi-Omi, always just so damn pretty! It makes me sick really… Maybe I am just a tad bit jealous.
Anyways, they had just situated us into our rooms and told us who we’d be bunking with, who would have thought it would have been my future husband. You looked so scared that you would be rooming with me, it wasn't like I bite, but it seems like ya wanted me to haha ;). Well, you were sitting on the bunk bed under me instructing me on how to properly organize our toiletries so that they didn't get all mixed up. To be quite honest with ya love, I didn't listen to a word ya said.
Sorry not sorry, I was too distracted by the way my name rolled off your tongue.
So smooth, so calm, gentle, warm, and inviting. It was a sound I knew I would no longer be able to live without.
I hopped down from the top bunk to see you staring dead straight at the wall, I wish I would have asked you what you were thinking about. Probably how utterly handsome your roomie was and how you were gonna have to handle all this sexy in your sight 24/7.
I remember the way you slightly scrunched your nose up after I tapped it. Even though those thin face masks I could see the light blush across your cheeks. Right then and there I guess I just knew. Wow isn’t that just sappy, but it’s true. You were my Omi-Omi. There was nobody else for me. Not to mention it was so fun to watch you cringe at the silly nicknames.
It didn’t matter that you would be living all the way in Tokyo while I lived in Hyogo with my folks, those stupid eyes had me in a trance, and god how could I not talk about those little moles above your brow. I wanted so badly to place my lips upon them, and anywhere you would let me for that matter.
My Kiyoomi, I fell asleep that night trying to memorize how you organized our stupid hair products in the bathroom because I wanted you to smile because of me, maybe even be proud of me for remembering...and I would do anything to keep it that way forever. I love you.
The best roomie you could’ve asked for,
Atsumu ;)
⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝
September 30, 2018
Kiyoomi,
I finally touched a volleyball after god knows how long.
I know you’re proud of me, you don't have to tell me.
Shoyo-kun encouraged me to send him a few sets, how could I say no to the kid!? The sound the ball made when it slammed to the floor couldn’t even compare to our strong attacks though. You thank those crazy ha wrists for that gift. Those crazy, beautiful, talented wrists. I wish I could kiss them from here, I know how much you love it.
I remember that night when we went to the park just across the street from the court because Meian kicked us out, what a guy he is. We must have been out there for hours practicing and perfecting that quick. You float through the air effortlessly, I'm in awe every time I see it, but I bet ya already knew that. That vivid sound of the blue and yellow ball smacking down onto the concrete like music to my ears. That bitch had gotten was so fucking dark so quick though! How could we even see anything?
I would like to blame your collapse on the possible inability to see. My brain couldn’t even comprehend what was going on, maybe silently praying that you just lost your footing or balance because you couldn’t see the ground or something stupid like that.
The tears that stained your cheeks and the tight grip you held on my shirt I will never forget, like a little koala. My clingy Omi-kun, would things have been different if I had realized sooner? I wish I had realized it sooner. I’m sorry for being so naive. I love you.
This tree could use his clingy koala today,
Atsu.
⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝
October 5, 2018
Omi-Kun,
I'm gettin’ old here baby!!
All day I couldn’t help but think back to last year, we drank like teenagers at that party. Samu told me he still doesn’t remember anything from that night, but no matter how much I drank there is no way in hell I could forget it. Not to mention it is so funny watching you get completely shit-faced!!
We had been dating for about 7 months at the time, and I was still confused if you even wanted to be with me. :(
It wasn't until we sat at the big ass mustard-colored couch that Bokuto bought because it reminded him of his pet goldfish from when he was 7 that my life would forever change. Gotta love the guy and his amazing plays, but how the hell did he graduate high school again? Anyways, we were sitting on this horrendous couch when you suddenly erupted into a fit of laughter, and I had never seen you laugh like that.
I basked in the view, taking notice of the way your nose crinkled when you laughed and those usually dull eyes wide and bright. It was enchanting
.
I must have been staring for way too long because the next thing I knew we were having a staring contest in the middle of Hinata’s drunk countertop dance to the hit track That’s What I Like by Bruno Mars. Somehow that wasn't able to ruin the moment for either of us, thankfully. I had seen you without your mask on more than a billion times, but God let me tell you I was not ready for you to take it off at that moment and say those three words to me.
The three words that I would teasingly throw around at practice when you told me my set was shit. Or the three words I would say after you would scold me for not emptying the dishwasher, the three words I would mean every time I said them.
"I love you Atsumu”
When I tell you it felt like my brain had short-circuited I am not kidding!! First of all: you would never call me Atsumu, like ever. It was always Miya. You believed it was only respectful, no matter who it was, boyfriend or not.
I still think that it is kind of odd, we know each other like the back of our hands. But still, you insist, and how could I say no to you.
Sakusa Kiyoomi I would empty the dishwasher as many times as it takes to hear you say it again, but for now, it's my turn. I love you Kiyoomi.
Happy birthday to me :)
Atsumu
⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝
October 31, 2018
My love,
Hi Omi, I've been holding up pretty well since my last letter, haven't cried since that day actually. But for some reason today has been pretty hard.
Maybe it’s all the memories of the kids in our apartment complex asking what you were supposed to be every time you opened the door, and that cute little scowl plastered on your face. I mean really babe, what 6 year old is gonna know who Patrick Bateman from American psycho is? Not that I mind though, you looked amazing in that suit ;).
Maybe it’s just the feeling of being alone after not knowing how that felt for so long.
I wish I wasn’t feeling it now.
I wish I wasn't wondering if you would still wear that stupid fucking suit again this year. I wish I didn't wait for you to walk through our front door, and to place my head in the crook of your neck and stroke my hair while you assured me this was all just a bad dream. I wish I didn’t think about the fact that we can't sit on the couch cuddled up in a blanket burrito as we watched the nightmare before Christmas, even though I argued it was a Christmas movie when you insisted that it was a Halloween one and that it would be our own little tradition.
A tradition that we could carry down to our kids, you wanted to adopt 2 right? I never really cared how many, as long as they bared our last name.
Sakusa, now badly I wanted to play on the court with that same last name plastered onto the backs of our jerseys in the Olympics.
Oh Sakusa, how badly I want you to wake me up from this horrible nightmare that I now live without you. The nightmare without Kiyoomi.
Is there a door back to you, the only thing that feels like home, like there is to Christmas land and Halloween town…
I love you.
Tsumu
⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝
November 22, 2018
Omi-omi,
Gobble gobble omi-kun!
I know we don't live in the United States, but why not have a day with a shit ton of food! You would always tell me how redundant that was, that we could have a big meal with our friends and families any day. But think about it, isn’t it fun to watch that silly Macy's day parade and make fun of the floats? I know that was always your favorite part.
Nevertheless, I made a few of our friends stop by to eat a meal with me. Not that I could eat much, let alone look up to the seat next to me and know that's where you should be sitting.
Why couldn't you be here with me?
Bokuto made us say one thing we were thankful for, and as we all expected his answer was Akaashi. I knew I shouldn’t but I was so pissed, so fucking jealous. Why couldn't you be here to hold my hand under the table at this stupid dinner, the way you used to always rub my hand with your thumb resting on the outside. Watching them be able to still have the ability to hug, kiss, cuddle, tell secrets, talk shit, laugh, and even cry together filled me with rage. Now I do it all alone.
Shoyo-kun was thankful for volleyball, of course. But to me, his speech was really a thank you to the setter that led him to be where he was today, Kageyama. He went on for more than 10 minutes about that stupid fucking promise they made to each other in middle school to stay on the court the longest. He talked about how it pushed him to become the best he possibly could, but truly it was just some sappy love confession from some half ass produced hallmark movie that the other wouldn’t even know about.
Little shit brought everyone to tears with it, everyone but me.
I wanted so badly to slam my fork back onto the table and storm out of the room, sit in the bed that once upon a time we once shared, and cry. Cry to whatever god there may be to bring back my omi kun. To give me at least 5 more minutes, to tell you everything that I didn’t. They still can, and I think that’s why It makes me so infuriated.
Why don’t they say anything to each other? It is so obvious that they are in love, and that it makes me want to throw up.
“Famous volleyball duo Hinata Shoyo and Kageyama Tobio finally release information on their kindled romance” can you imagine the buzz that would get in the tabloids!? Would definitely get more people watching the games too. I mean hell seems like a win-win to me.
Worked out that way for us at least, remember what all the interviewers would ask?
“How has it been to be in a relationship with a teammate?”
“How long have you guys kept it a secret from the public?"
“Does dating sometimes ruin the dynamic of the team?"
They were so indulged in our relationship it was funny. I remember this one time when an interviewer asked us who would be the one to propose and where would it be, almost like we would just get married on the fucking court or some shit.
That poor woman had to sit there and write us bickering about who would propose to who.
Silly wasn't it? I loved our funny banter, it was always the highlight of my day.
Samu said he was thankful for me, even though I’m a " big pain in the ass". Said he was so lucky to have a best friend from birth. He talked about how hard I would push him when we were growing up, and that they helped him see what passion truly was.
Passion: Something that we truly had.
He had his hand on my shoulder the entire time he spoke, seated just to the right of me. As I said, I was sure to leave you a seat to the left of me, closest to the wall. I remember how anxious you would get if you were to get sandwiched between two people. I gotcha omi-kun, always.
And Then it was my turn…
_______
Atsumu stood up from the table without warning, knocking over his chair in the process. He took a moment in silence to think back on all the things he was truly thankful for. He could have thought of a million things, but there was one that came to the surface.
Kiyoomi.
He felt the tears threatening to spill as he took a deep breath, looking over to the empty chair beside him to instead be welcomed by the sight of the raven haired man nodding his head in reassurance for him. It had been so long since he had seen him.
He starts “There are so many things in this world that I am thankful for... But my mind can only find the words to name one. My Omi, my sweet omi-kun.”
“How I would do anything the Devil asked me to bring him back to me. I know how much he would hate this, all of it: the stupid dinner, the stupid and sappy answers we’re spitting out, and the fact that the only thing I can think of to say is him. His stupid ass. The stupid ass that left me here alone, while I am forced to sit here and watch you all be able to talk to and hold yer lovers, it makes me sick. He promised not to leave me, so why did he lie!”
He began to chuckle at his stupid remark. It wasn't like Kiyoomi had chosen to be sick. And he knew this of course, but it is much easier to place the blame and hurt on the one who is no longer here.
The one he can no longer say “I love you” to.
The one he can no longer force to sing boyfriend by Justin Bieber with every Friday evening at karaoke night at their favorite bar.
The one who he looked up to, and how he was always able to keep a calm and cool exterior, no matter how much he wanted to yell and fight back.
The one whose clothes he stole, but I mean I guess he can steal all of them now without a fight back.
The one he can no longer have tickle fights with.
The one who he can no longer set to. The two loves of his life: Kiyoomi and volleyball. He feels that he no longer has either. The feeling of the ball on his fingers no longer feels like therapy, it feels cold and lonely.
“I wish I could tell him all the stupid reasons that I'm so helplessly in love with him. He never even got to hear all of them, hell if I said them all now your ears would probably fall off. How does he expect me to be able to live without him? How could I love again, after I know the one I truly want to see every waking moment is no longer here? Just a tomb in a graveyard. Just a spirit. Just a body linked to some of my happiest memories.
Well, he's got his parents, right? No, it’s not like they gave a shit about him in the first place. They were disgusted by him, couldn't have a son who loved another man. Threw him out like he was last night's take-out meals… like he wasn’t the child they spent all of their waking moments loving and caring for, like it wasn’t even their son after he came out.
I remember the hours he spent sobbing in my hold, tellin’ me he had to leave me and make things right with his family. Screaming to whatever fuckin’ God there may be out there to fix him. Fix the pieces that didn’t fit in the puzzle that his family so meticulously placed.
To do all in his might to bring back their Kiyoomi.
But I guess maybe it's better for him now, I bet they got pretty girls up in heaven.
How can I even believe he's up there? Imagine him in some cloud or some shit with a pair of fucking wings, waiting at the gates of heaven for me as if it would fuckin’ matter. Like um Sorry Omi but I'm probably not gonna be there. Like at all. It's not like he should wait if I was gettin’ a ticket up there anyways, he could find so much better than me. I want him to have the best and if that’s with a pretty girl his parents set up for him up there then so be it. I wish he had never settled for me, he was way too good for me. Well, at least that’s what his mother told me, the only thing she ever said to me actually.
Sometimes I think it would just be better if I joined him.
Can’t have a spiker without their setter, can you? Man all of the mischief we would make… might as well make the folks hate me more right, not like they could change how much their son loved me. ‘Snot like they could change how helpless I am without him. They would probably laugh at me if they could hear the junk that is spewing out of my mouth right now.
And at this point, I wish they would.
Maybe seeing their disapproving looks would make me hate myself more than I already do.
Maybe it would keep me from continuing to love him, and it would make me hate him just as much as I hate his mother.
She was gorgeous ya know, I can see where Kiyoomi got his looks from: long black hair, looked like silk woven by the Gods. Maybe the Gods blessed her with a family of models with the price of homophobic, disgusting attitudes. Maybe the Gods thought it was better to give them a gay son to torture, oh and why stop there? Let’s kill 'em young and let everyone who has ever loved him get the luxury of watching his life slip between their fingers, unable to hold a firm grasp on him before he was swept up into the heavens.
Maybe that’s where he belonged in the first place, because no matter how many people said he was stone-like or unapproachable; to me, he was an angel.”
Everyone sat in silence as Atsumu attempted to steady his breathing. He hadn’t noticed how much he had been shaking during that performance. He felt his blood ruining cold as it coursed through his veins. No longer having the luxury of having the warmer body of his lover beside him for comfort after one of his outbursts.
_______
Yeah Omi-kun, I may have acted out a bit but I think you can understand. I wonder how much you miss me up there.
Do you ever remember me? It would hurt a shit ton if you didn’t.
But I saw you in the seat beside me before I started talking, and for once in so long I didn't feel so alone.
I know you probably wanted to scoff at all the things I said, but it’s nothing but the truth. I am so utterly grateful to have been such an important person in your life. I am so thankful to have had your company through all the hard times, even though this is probably the hardest thing that I will go through.
And of course, you aren't here.
Not here to hold me as I cry, make me my favorite midnight dinners, have little sleepovers in the living room where we would build a giant blanket fort, and not here to shower me with those much needed kisses.
But though I didn’t get as much time as I had hoped for, every moment with you was not for nothing. I will hold the memories we shared closest to my heart, and hold the thought of the many more we could have made closer. I am forever thankful to have had you as my best friend and husband, even if it wasn’t forever like we promised.
I love you.
Atsumu Sakusa
⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝
December 25, 2018
Buttercup,
Good morning my love, and merry Christmas. I am writing this to you in the morning instead of my usual nightly letter writing ritual because well... I have a feeling I'm going to be so mentally drained or even drunk by the end of the night I won’t be able to pick up a paper and pen and write to you.
I really don't have much to look forward to this morning, might make a tea or two (one for you of course). Going to see the folks in Hyogo for dinner. It will be nice I suppose, it would have been way more enjoyable if you were by my side though I must admit.
Gonna have to hear my parents bicker for hours on end, when is someone gonna tell them that Samu and I aren't kids no more and that they don't have to have a joint holiday get-together? They've been separated since we were 12, we don't need them to put on some type of act to make us believe that they still love each other.
It kind of scares me if I’m honest, would we have turned out that way if we had a couple of tots running around?
I can't even imagine falling out of love with you. Even if you aren't here physically Omi-Kun, you are still stuck with my stubborn ass.
Can you imagine our kids running around my ma’s house like wild animals, not like she would mind though? She always was waiting and praying for a fuck ton grandkids that she could spoil rotten. Hopefully, Samu can come through with that prayer, because I’m in no place for a kid any time soon.
My ma loved you though Kiyoomi, every time she called she told me to take care of ya.
I wish I had done a better job at that.
Maybe if I took better care of you I could be watching you open the gift I had sitting in the closet for ya. I should have paid attention to the signs.
It was a guitar, by the way, saw you had your eye on it that one day we strolled through the city and somehow stumbled into a little music shop. You didn’t buy it then because it was “a waste of space“ because you didn’t know how to play.
I wish I could have seen your reaction to opening the gift. Though you would deny it, I knew how badly you wanted to learn to play.
Who knows, maybe since I've left Volleyball behind I can pursue a career as a famous artist and sell out arenas.
At this point the media is probably sick of my presence... but it doesn’t really matter as long as I knew that you would never get sick of me. You never did right Omi-kun?
I wonder what you would have picked out for me, probably some silly gag gift that I would bitch and moan about until you brought out my actual gift. Like last year when you got me that crazy expensive ring I was obsessing over, still haven't taken it off to this day BTW, so it was definitely money well spent.
That ring and my wedding band will stay on till the day I die.
I was born for loving you Kiyoomi, and I will die just as in love as when I met you.
I'll write a song about our love, an album even! Who am I kidding, it will be every song I write. It will be every chord I strum on that beautiful guitar, and every lyric that I sing. I love you.
Your world famous past volleyball player, now singer, guitarist, songwriter husband
Atsumu Sakusa
⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝
December 31, 2018
Omi-kun,
It's finally New Year's Eve and I am so happy to be saying goodbye to the hardest year of my life, the year I never expected I would be losing you.
The year that I believed would be “our best one yet,” who would have thought I would become a widower in the same year I got married.
Our wedding, a god forsaken day that I was to love and cherish for the rest of my life and believe me Omi I will, but I can’t help wishing I would have been able to call you my husband longer. To be able to call in dinner reservations for high end restaurants for me and my husband, or to even call Samu and tell him that I got into a fight with my stupid husband.
It’s pathetic I know, but I will never in my life regret marrying you.
Even if I knew I wouldn’t have had much longer with you I wouldn’t have done much different, except maybe fight some doctors or even give you a little more lovin' because it’s what you deserved.
You didn’t deserve to leave so soon, but maybe that’s just selfish of me to say. Because I am selfish and I am not afraid to admit that.
I want you all to myself Kiyoomi.
I can’t even imagine the pain that you must have been going through that you never told me about, and for some reason, I would still want to see you suffer with me rather than be out of reach from me and be without pain.
Why did you never tell me Omi? Did you not think it was a big deal, some type of stomach bug that would pass in the morning? Did those mornings turn into days, weeks, or even months?
Do you even remember your last days, I bet they were painful and I am so sorry for that.
Do you remember your last words to me? I do, even got em tattooed on my ring finger for ya. I know we promised to get our names on our ring fingers because we couldn’t wear our actual wedding bands during games, but I think that now I have had to say goodbye to you and volleyball, there was really no point in that anymore.
I wish I could give you one last New Years' kiss, even hear our teammates joke and cheer behind us when the clock hits 12:00 and your lips are on mine, but ya know what I can’t.
I can’t change it, and for fucks sake it hurts so fucking bad that I can’t.
Sometimes I think about just ending it to see you. What’s a little bit of pain, a bottle of pills, and some tears compared to all of the pain you must have endured in silence?
I think it is only fair, but I know that I’m too fucking chicken to go through with it. I think you know that too because every time I hold the entire bottle of tablets in my palm and take a deep breath I can see you in front of me. You tell me it isn’t the right option, and that so many people would miss me, but do you know how many people miss you?
Do you know how many people lay awake at night and see you in their dreams? Do you know how many people wake up and believe that those dreams were real, and implement them into the section of their brain that has been permanently designated to thoughts and memories of you? Well, If ya didn’t then now you know at least one, and I can tell ya there are many others.
I hear your stupid voice when I’m in the shower washing my hair, telling me that the products that I put in my hair are a one way ticket to balding, but I can’t use whats left of yours because one: how do I know that isn’t what made you sick, or two: if I wake up to the smell of that oh too familiar lavender scented shampoo I will truly believe that you are laying right there next to me as I drift off.
I can’t let myself believe that you are there, because if I do I will picture you nestled against my chest and feel your imaginary breath fanning my neck. I can’t do it anymore Kiyoomi, even though I love you.
Tsum
⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝
March 20th, 2019
I hate you Sakusa Kiyoomi. I hate how much you are able to hurt me without even being here. I hate that I would do anything to see you smile again, and I hate that the only time I find myself smiling is in my dreams when I can feel your imaginary gaze upon me.
I wish you could watch me crumble. I wish you could simply just watch me fall to pieces all because of you.
Though it may not be your fault I have no other option, and I hate that I have no other option.
I hate when people ask me stupid questions, they ask me how I am doing without my husband, the love of my life.
How do I tell them that I am falling apart at the seams? How do I tell them that it is so hard to put on a fake smile for the media, posting on Twitter, or modeling for a shoot like I don’t want to run until my legs give out and I can no longer move? Go to a place where nobody can find me, be alone, and die.
Death has never looked so sweet, I hope I don’t sound ridiculous, but how is it? Do you want me to join you?
Say the word Kiyoomi and I will, but I know you never will.
I know that even if I heard that rich voice ringing in my ears again it would just be another hallucination, another “wake up” or another “let me go”.
How do I let go Kiyoomi?
Was it that easy?
Was I that forgettable?
Was I not worth it?
Do you wish you had never married me, let alone even met me?
Maybe it would have saved you from this, saved you from the inevitable. That we all die.
We all fucking die Kiyoomi, but you were not ready to die.
I don’t care what the spirit of you in my mind is telling me, Sakusa Kiyoomi was not meant to die yet.
Sakusa Kiyoomi was supposed to live until he was a prickly, wrinkly old man, with his loud, annoying lover by his side. At the age of just 22 Sakusa Kiyoomi was supposed to wake up to a yummy birthday breakfast in bed, granted to him by his fun-loving husband, all while he recorded it on his stupid little phone so that he could post it on Instagram or some shit later.
Sakusa Atsumu should have the ability to boast about his husband on his birthday. Love his husband. Kiss his husband, not miss his husband.
I hate how lonely it is here without you. Our apartment is lonely, even thought about moving back in with my ma. The plants on the windowsill are lonely; shriveled and dried up.
I am lonely; missing the gentle touch of Sakusa Kiyoomi. But I know that I need to stop being lonely, I need to get on with my life.
This is why I will no longer let you hurt me Sakusa Kiyoomi. I will no longer let the pain of no longer having you here with me drag me down.
I will live, and I will live for you, and hell I will even sing and play the guitar for you.
I will breathe for you.
I will write for you.
I will scream on the rooftops about how much I hate homophobes for you.
I will love.
I will love for you.
I love you Sakusa Kiyoomi, and I will never love anybody else but you.
I will never love anybody like I loved you.
I will never regret giving you my first everything.
I will never regret putting in my all for you.
I will never regret losing you because life is too precious to waste a second.
I will never give up on you and the love that we shared because I know that even though you are not here physically, our love will never fade.
I will never stop dreaming of you.
I will never stop wishing for you to come back, but I will also never forget that wishing upon stars doesn’t always mean that the things you wish for come true. You taught me that, on your last day on Earth.
The last thing you told me, pointing up to the lone star that could be seen from the view of your hospital room. Voice horse and barely a whisper, you told me the words that I will forever have inked onto my skin, words that I will never forget.
“That star, I will be that star. Wish on it, and wish to be right there next to me when it is your time to go. That wish will never come true though, because you are already a star Atsumu,” letting a light chuckle fill the room before you spoke again
“Sakusa Atsumu, you are the sun.”
So Omi-kun, I will never stop wishing on your star.
I will never stop being the sun.
I will be the best goddamn sun for you, but the sun ain’t nothing without the planets that revolve around it, or the rest of the stars in the galaxy.
I will be the sun for not only you, but for Osamu, for Shoyo, for Bokuto, for Akaashi, for Ushiwaka, for Kita, for Kageyama, for Meian, for Aran, for Tomas, for Komori, for Barnes, for Inunaki, for my parents, and for everyone who accepts my rays of light.
I will make it my life goal to be the sun, and with everything in my power be the bright star that you saw me as before you left me. And with that, I will now say goodbye and thank you.
Thank you Sakusa KIyoomi: my prickly, cold, stubborn, funny, easily annoyed, cuddle bug, cat-loving, plant-naming, music-loving husband. Thank you for teaching me what it means to love, and for teaching me the meaning of life.
Though I may not have had as much time as I had hoped for, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thank you for the stupid arguments, the adventures, the hair tips, the playful insults, the sappy compliments, the “I love you’s”, the kisses, the excitement, the best damn hitter I could have ever asked for, for being my best friend, for putting up with me when I was being a little prissy bitch, for the desire to live, for loving me. I will love you forever and always Sakusa Kiyoomi.
The sun,
Sakusa Atsumu
_______
Carefully folding the sheet of loose-leaf paper and slipping it into the beautifully decorated envelope (per Natsu’s request and hard work) everyone gathered at Atsumu’s apartment to seal the goodbye letter.
“Ya sure yer ready?” Osamu spoke worriedly. Though the twin always tried his hardest to keep a tough and cold exterior with his brother, he knew how hard this must be for him.
Finally glancing up from the desk after writing and perfecting for what had seemed like hours, he placed the doodled envelope into the hands of his brother.
A sigh escaped his lips, but it wasn’t a tired sigh. Instead, a breath of fresh air. The light at the end of the tunnel, the sun coming out from the clouds after a rush of stormy weather.
The letter would permanently rest in a box with the others that were written along the months, ones who nobody but himself and his lovers' eyes above him would see.
_______
March 20th, 2021
“I kept my promise Omi-kun!” The blonde cheered into the microphone as he faced the crowd of millions of screaming young girls, annoyed moms, and some gay as fuck volleyball players.
They screamed his name, basking in the bright stage lights shining on him and the empty stool placed just beside him.
With an all too familiar guitar slung over his chest he spoke “Now, as some of you may know it is actually my husbands birthday-”
Again, interrupted by howls and cheers. Holding his hand up for a moment before balling it up into a tight fist as the noise was now not even audible to him.
“Though he may not be here with me today, I have a song for him,” he continued. “It’s been hidden away for a few years now, but I think I am finally ready to share this piece with not only Kiyoomi, but you guys.”
Pulling the tiny folded square out of his pocket and resting it on his thigh, he began to strum the guitar.
“Close yer eyes”
As he sings, he remembers all of the years of memories resurfacing; the laughs, cries, hugs, nose scrunches, and those beautiful moles that rested above his lover's brow, the star he wishes upon every night, the one that can spot in any location, the days he spent relooking over their wedding photo album, the days he got more tattoos.
A dainty star on his left wrist, a fox on his left shoulder, his lover's name behind his right ear, a small yellow and blue volleyball on the inside of his index finger, and a mustard-colored couch on his left arm.
He thought back to all of the reasons he got this shit inked onto his skin permanently. He thought back to his husband, telling him I love you for the first time on that same horrendous tinted sectional, now a staple in what is now Keiji and Bokkun’s forever home.
He thinks of the silly motto that was plastered on his high school volleyball banner; and how only years ago he wanted to end his life, where he would no longer have the memories.
The guitar fit so perfectly in his grip, just as it felt to have Kiyoomi's hands laced with his.
He is grateful that the voice of Kiyoomi in his heart told him to stay. He can safely say that he is not just Sakusa’s sun, but the brightest glimmering star in our galaxy: to his friends, his family, and his loving fans.
He stares up at the sky, the roof of the arena open, and welcoming the moon and stars to shine above the crowd.
He sees Kiyoomi from the corner of his eye in the stool beside him, leaving it there just for him. His smile is shining just as bright as the star he sees in the sky as he wishes.
“You're the reason why I'm breathing
With a little look my way
You're the reason that I'm feeling
It's finally safe to stay”
Atsumu knew that his Omi wouldn’t miss it for the world.