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Usually it was Third Prince Jing Shao who would wake up from nightmares, silently shaking and clinging to his Jun Qing as if he would disappear the moment he let go of him after he had shouted himself awake. But tonight it was Mu Hanzhang himself who had woken up with a half choked sob stuck in his throat and phantom pain setting his chest aflame, the ghostly feeling of snowflakes caressing his cheeks like the ice cold fingers of the reaper himself making him shiver even after he had opened his eyes. Jing Shao´s hands are already tightening around his waist on instinct alone, pulling him closer to comfort him before he has even properly woken up himself and Mu Hanzhang lets himself be drawn close, willing and pliable and for once completely without his usual shyness.
They had been sharing a bed long enough by now that he should have gotten used to the clinginess that was his -at first so unwilling seeming- husband but sometimes, especially with the last remnants of his nightmare still stuck to him like a torn spiderweb, it felt even less real than the stinging pain of a blade and the sticky, warm feeling of his life blood drenching the clothes of the man now usually gently snoring next to him. It was always the same, disjointed nightmare of pain and blood and a hopeless flight with the vague impression of being held in someone's arms and a now so familiar voice calling out to him in desperation and regret. It always left him feeling weirdly hollowed out in the aftermath, as if something small but crucial was missing and Mu Hanzhang simply could not remember what it was.
And he knew that there must be more to this ever recurring dream of his too, more than just the always looming fear of losing someone he had come to cherish: He had seen it in the way Jing Shao´s soft gaze had turnt painful and full of regrets when he had told him of this nightmare the first time, smothering him with kisses and caresses until his face had been as bright red as the lanterns on their wedding night, the still lingering memories of pain completely forgotten when Jing Shao had finally pressed him deeper into their bedding. He had been weirdly unable to meet Mu Hanzhang´s gaze, as if he was the one responsible for his nightmare and plagued by guilt, until Mu Hanzhang had finally found his courage and pulled him in close for a kiss of his own initiative instead of simply letting the other man do as he wished, blushing fiercely while doing so. Jing Shao had been surprised at first and even more enthusiastic than before second, effectively preventing Mu Hanzhang from falling back into his nightmare by virtue of keeping him up until the early hours of morning and exhausting him too much to do anything but sleep like the dead afterwards.
When the sun had already been high in the sky and Mu Hanzhang´s bad conscience had finally managed to shoo his lazy husband out of their bed, Jing Shao had simply carried on as he did everyday, as gentle and attentive as ever. Only his occasionally shifting gaze and the weirdly melancholic moods where he would pull Mu Hanzhang close without any warning and refuse to let go of him, face buried into the crook of his neck while his usually so gentle fingers left faint bruises on his Jun Qing´s skin from being grabbed too tight, would remind him that there must be something more between them that he regretted than just the unpleasant memories of their first night together, something deep and old and painful that sometimes seemed to loom over every touch and caress between them.
He had tried asking, first in an offhand way, then when that hadn't worked more directly but other than a vague ´I haven´t treated you well before even if you deserved so much better´ there were no answers forthcoming, his husband´s usually so easy smile seeming forced and his eyes lost in some faraway memories. At some point Mu Hanzhang had simply decided to let it be. If Jing Shao wanted to share what so very obviously weighed on his soul than he would, there was no advantage gained from forcing him and until he had decided to talk by himself Mu Hanzhang would simply allow himself to be held whenever the other man had the need to do so. He had already gotten so much luckier with this unasked for union then he had ever expected, especially after their rough start. He had no wish to go back to that day when Jing Shao had barely been skirting the very outer edges of politeness with him while they were in public and he surely did not want to go back to what had come afterwards, in the privacy of their bridal chamber
At first he had thought that his husband´s obvious regret and overabundance of care had stemmed from how rough he had been during that night, venting his frustration of having been forced to marry a male wife and thus ending his political career pretty thoroughly on poor Mu Hanzhang. And honestly, as unpleasant as the whole ordeal had been, Mu Hanzhang didn´t even blame him much for it. After all, the third prince was not the only one who had to give up the life they had envisioned for them and it hadn't been his fault that the Emperor had found his offspring to be too ambitious and had chosen poor Mu Hanzhang to hobble him. His only fault had been that he was quiet, studious and without any scandals and of appropriate birth, ranked high enough to not be offensive but born by a concubine and not a main wife and thus not in line to inherit any titles.
He had actually been surprised that the other man had even wanted to consummate their marriage to begin with, while traditional it wasn't actually required when marrying a male wife after all and he had thought he would slip away to get consoled by his concubines the moment the banquet had ended and they had been sent off to their bridal chamber. Mu Hanzhang himself had never held much interest in romance at all, too focused on his studies to care for much else aside from a detached notion that something like that existed and that at some point he was probably required to find a wife. But contrary to the prince he had neither concubines nor had he dallied in brothels as so many others of his age did, preferring to spend his time with books instead of company of any kind. He simply had held no interest whatsoever but when their marriage had been declared there had been a small, sarcastic voice in the back of Mu Hanzhang´s head chastising him for his abstinent lifestyle. If he had just gone and sullied himself a little bit with a spot of gambling and whoring like so many others the Emperor might have found him unfit to marry the prince and might have gone for somebody else instead. After all, while he could force a male wife unto the ambitious prince to keep him in check he did have to keep his status in mind too and someone of to ill an repute would have been out of the question.
But Mu Hanzhang had never had the habit of crying over spilt milk, too realistic to spend much time agonizing about what if´s and what might have been´s. The decision had been made for him and there was nothing he could do to change it, as much as he might have hated it at first. He had been resigned to going through the motions of their marriage and spending the rest of his life rotting away in some forgotten part of the Third Prince´s household, an unwanted and scorned wife that served no purpose other than to end the Prince´s bloodline and ambitions. He had hoped that, if he could just blend into the background enough, he would at least be able to continue his studies in private even if any kind of public recognition would forever be out of his reach. But while consummation of marriage might not be required, being at his husband´s beck and call was one of his duties...and that meant attending to his bedchamber too if he so wished. And Mu Hanzhang still had his own family to consider, from his father's reputation to his birth mother´s safety so everything that could lead to the Prince being able to officially divorce him on grounds of dereliction of his wifely duties was right out of the question.
And so he had just closed his eyes and gritted his teeth when the Prince had roughly shoved him down onto the mattress, ripping apart his bridal outfit with no regard to the costly fabric and let the other man do as he wished. It had been rough and painful and humiliating but the Prince had also been drunk and so the whole ordeal had at least been over mercifully quick. The other man had fallen asleep with a persistent scowl on his face, his hand tightly gripping poor Mu Hanzhang´s disheveled hair and preventing him from even getting up to clean himself or properly attend to his husband. Mu Hanzhang had fallen asleep himself at some point, exhausted and drained both physically and emotionally...only to wake up next to someone that looked like Third Prince Jing Shao but could just as well have been a completely different person the next morning.
Mu Hanzhang had been very wary of this sudden shift in behaviour, not being able to reconcile the scowling man of the night before with this gentle one that smiled at him and treated him as if he was a fragile treasure instead of just a convenient door mat. The Prince had blamed his behaviour on having too much to drink but Mu Hanzhang did not believe him. He had never really met Jing Shao beforehand but he was known for having a temper and not shying away from cruelty if it served his needs. Being this overbearingly gentle and considerate seemed out of character for him, as if something during the night had happened that had switched half of his personality around. And his servants seemed to be just as baffled by how he treated ´his Jun Qing´, throwing each other confused glances whenever they thought nobody could see them.
They had clearly been surprised by the amount of respect their prince demanded they show his new wife, bumbling about awkwardly the first days afterwards until they had adjusted to the new way things apparently got handled now in the princely household. And Mu Hanzhang´s initial hopes of their wedding night just being a one off, a way for the prince to get rid of some of his frustration and to very clearly show him his place at the same time had been shattered too when Jing Shao had not only insisted on sleeping together every night but had even refused to visit his concubines on top of that. Nobody had been more surprised by that than Mu Hanzhang. After all, while the Prince might have a bit of a reputation of not being adverse to some pretty female company, he had never heard anything of him having a taste for men too. But a taste he seemed to have, at least when it came to his Jun Qing, sticky and barely even meeting the minimum requirements for propriety whenever they were in public.
The man in question is still hugging him tight around the middle, his face stuffed snuggly into the crook of Mu Hanzhang´s neck while snuffling questioningly at him, drowsy and half asleep. Jing Shao had insisted that they share their bed every night and not only for sleeping. And much to his surprise Mu Hanzhang had found that he didn't really mind either. There had never been a repeat of that first, horrible night, with his prince never being anything but gentle and careful whenever he took him apart, always on the lookout for even only the smallest amount of discomfort on Mu Hanzhang´s side. And while it was rare for him still to be the one to initiate any kind of affections between them he had grown to like the ways that this husband of his would pay attention to him, always considering him first before anything else, even his own pleasure. It still made him blush and freeze like a startled deer, all that love and attention being showered unto him with absolute disregard to anything else...but he had to admit he would be hard pressed to give up what had developed between them too, as much as it still baffled him.
Jing Shao makes a soft, happy sigh when Mu Hanzhang gently cards his fingers through thick black hair to fully lull him back to sleep, savoring the feel of the silky tresses between his fingers. Yes, he would be heartbroken indeed if he had to give this up now, their nearness and the obvious love the other man held for him. It makes something deep inside him yearn in a way he cannot explain, as if at some point things had been different, depriving him of this closeness. He can still feel the cold bite of the wind on his face, the phantom pain on his back a persistent itch and sometimes he doesn't know what is true: the man lying heavily against his side, his breath warm and gentle against his neck and his hands an anchoring weight around his middle or the abyss like feeling of hopelessness permeating him, ripe with the tangy bite of surrender and pain and loss.
Mu Hanzhang pulls Jing Shao close, pressing his face into the dark mop of hair, his eyes stinging with sudden tears he can not explain and his voice muffled as he whispers.
“Sometimes, being with you feels like a dream that I don’t ever want to wake up from.”
Jing Shao stills in his arms for a moment, then there is the soft touch of cool lips against Mu Hanzhang´s throat, chasing away the last remnants of the nightmare clinging to him with all it's unbearable tenderness. His prince´s answer is just as soft, barely audible above their combined heartbeats, one chasing the other but never far apart.
“Then let's hope that this night is everlasting so that we both can keep on dreaming forever.”