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Sirius - 1994
Next thing they knew, the flames settled down and they stepped into a dark and dusty library. As far as Sirius was concerned, he was stepping right into a nightmare. They came through the same fireplace he’d used to escape this house, that Christmas all those years ago, and it seemed only fair, Sirius thought darkly. Just another reminding you can run away from your demons all you want, the world goes round and always brings you back to them, as if you’d never left. He sighed deeply and realised he must have been looking very tense, because Remus still hadn’t let go of his hand and was looking at him right now.
“You alright?” He asked Sirius, with a worried look on him.
“Yeah, sure.” He knows he can’t fool Remus, though, so he mended. “I mean, sure it’s not a dream come true having to come back in here… but I’ve had worst nightmares and I’ve faced worst things in life than my mother’s furniture.”
“I know. But having faced worst doesn’t mean this is meant to be easy”, Remus shifted to stand in front of Sirius, holding both his hands now.
“It’s not, I’m not gonna lie. But I have you here, and that is enough to make it all bearable.” He gave Remus a shy smile, and squeezed his hands. “Come on, let’s take a look around the place. I’m sure there are plenty of curses for us to take down.”.
The two left the library and Sirius took Remus around the house. Remus’ werewolf nose came handy. His ability to smell magic in thin air led them through the place, making sure there were no weird surprises as they entered each room. They didn’t find anything so huge they couldn’t deal with; some minor curses on the dining hall tapestry that Remus lifted with a couple flips of his wand. Some other weird bits of what was clearly dark magic they just chose to leave untouched, to see to some other day. As they made their way downstairs to check on the first floor and then go down to the kitchen, Sirius was amused by Moony’s terrified face at the house-elves heads on display on the walls around the stairs.
“You’d told me they did it,” Remus said, a disgusted look on his face. “But I had never imagined…”
“I know. Don’t worry, we’ll manage to get them down” Sirius assured him, though he wasn’t sure how they would accomplish that.
As they reached the first floor, Sirius took a misstep and landed a bit hard, losing his balance and smashing a nearby vase.
“Bugger.” He tried to take hold of the vase, but it was already splashing to the floor.
They didn’t have much time to pay attention to that, though. The moment the vase crashed, another very loud noise started somewhere down the hall.
“WHO DISTURBS MY RESTING? MUDBLOODS, BLOODTRAITORS, SCUM? WHO DARES ENTER THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK –“
“This is a joke, this has to be a joke,” Sirius said, terror raising on his chest. Surely, it couldn’t be! The old bitch was supposed to be fucking dead.
He ran down the hallway hoping he was wrong, Remus following right behind. No, no, no! But yes. Or, sort of yes. Because it wasn’t really a person screaming and deafening them; it was her portrait. The two wizards stopped to a halt in front of the full-sized screaming painting of Walpurga Black.
“YOU!” The old witch shouted with a very clear note of disgust in her voice when she saw Sirius. “HOW DARE YOU SET YOUR FILTHY BLOOD TRAITOR FEET ON MY HOUSE AGAIN? DISGRACE OF MY FAMILY…”
Sirius felt himself freeze at the penetrating and dark look of his mother’s eyes. He wanted to shout back, to stop her, but he couldn’t move. Remus was trying very unsuccessfully to close the portrait’s curtains again, and Walpurga seemed to notice it.
“AND YOU BRING THIS FILTH INTO THIS NOBLE HOUSE? HALF-BREED AND HALF-BLOOD, SCUM OF THE WIZARDING WORLD WHO POISONED MY SON’S HEAD WITH IMPURITIES AND…”
“SHUT UP!” Sirius felt his voice return at full power. “YOU OLD HAG, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I AM NO FUCKING SON OF YOURS”. And with that, he pointed his wand at the curtains and shut them closed with a blast, finally silencing the room. He sighed, feeling his head really hot. “Yeah, I wasn’t expecting her to be around” he half-joked, trying to lighten the mood.
Remus, who had been looking at him with a very troubled look, probably not sure if it was ok to speak, seemed grateful for the humored cue and gave his own smirk.
“Always lovely, your mother.”
They left the hallway and made their way down to the kitchen, where Remus magically summoned the few boxes from their apartment they would bring here. They sat down at the table, both still quite shaken from the upstairs encounter.
What was he thinking coming back here? It had never been a good idea, just a good excuse not to miss any Order meetings. This house was built on dark magic, and Sirius had spent half of his life trying to escape it. He thought after all those 12 years in Azkaban, coming back to Grimmauld place would be easy, but how could it ever be? His mother had been his very own dementor for 16 years, his father was just as bad and his brother… Fucking Regulus. He was killed when Sirius was 20 but he had lost him a long time before that. He wasn’t very good at protecting his brothers, he thought. First Regulus, then James. Oh James… “Fuck.” Sirius finally said, his face in his hands, trying to stop his head from spiraling. That would be bloody impossible, with his mother stuck upstairs. “Honestly, Moony, I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of that. What a bloody nightmare.” He was starting to feel very tired. The day had been long and filled with mixed emotions. Having said goodbye to Mary and needing to come here… Remus seemed to notice that, he got up from his chair and came over to him, kneeling by his side in the way you would to talk to a child.
“Hey, I know it’s fucked up. But like you said, I’m here” He took Sirius's hand at that and kissed the palm of it, and Sirius relaxed under the touch.
“Yeah, you’re here.”
They stayed quiet for a few moments, but Sirius could feel Remus had been meaning to ask him something ever since they left the flat, so it was no surprise when he finally did.
“Padfoot… you’ve talked about recruiting the old Order members for weeks, about getting people to do what’s right. Why didn’t you say anything to Mary, then?”
“I just… I see what you meant when you said she had a life. She does. She has a family, and a kid, and… she seems happy. Really happy, Moony.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was trying to tell you.”
“And I see that now. I remember when we found her at the McKinnon’s all those years ago. She’d had enough of the war by then and took some time to recover but she kept going. Kept fighting, even after her entire world had fallen to pieces. So, I know she told you she was never getting back at war again, but we know Mary. She would do it, because it would be the right thing to do. And, Moony, I just… I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t make her do that. I don’t know much I can protect you or Harry, we’re all too deep into all of this. But I can protect Mary. She has no connections to the wizarding world; she’s living a simple muggle life, almost as if she’d never been a witch. She’s safe, and I want to keep her that way. I need to know that at least one of us will make it alive, I need to know at least one of us will have a real life, a happy life. And I know it sounds bonkers, but it gives me hope.” Remus was listening intently, pure understanding in his eyes.
“It’s not bonkers, Padfoot. It makes perfect sense, and you’re right. Knowing Mary will probably be okay away from all of this… it gives me hope, too.” Remus kissed his hand again, and Sirius closed his eyes, completely exhausted.
“Let me tell you what. Today’s been impossible. I’m really tired myself, and I can’t begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Why don’t we just call it a night and go get some rest?” Remus said, gently.
“You want to go to bed now? Without dinner?” Sirius opened his eyes and gave Remus a mocking look. “Godric, Moony, are you that excited to see my bedroom.”
“Shuddup” Remus laughed getting to his feet and pulling Sirius to his.
But Moony was still Moony, of course. Before they left the kitchen, he assaulted the box where he’d put his last chocolate bar in, and took it with them upstairs.
Sirius hadn’t been to his childhood bedroom since he was sixteen and ran away to the Potter’s, but absolutely nothing had changed. He was very amused at his fourteen-year-old self who’d managed to cast those fixating spells on the posters on the walls, powerful enough that not even his mother was able to take them down. Now he was older, and with no one other than Remus John Lupin at his side, he felt slightly embarrassed at the muggle girls hanging from the walls.
Remus went around looking really amused and entertained. He circled Sirius’ double bed, taking every detail in, and Sirius felt like an excited teenager again, having the boy he fancied inside his bedroom. It was an odd feeling, and quite a relief compared to all of the shadows that were constantly taking over his head. Remus had stopped by the window, looking at a small picture hanging by the bed, right next to a Gryffindor poster. Sirius couldn’t see it from where he was standing, but he knew exactly what it was. He went over and stood by Remus. Sirius reached for the picture, touching his finger lightly on James.
It had been a sunny day; fourth year, maybe? Sirius wasn’t sure. But he did remember having bought a disposable magical polaroid from a shop in Hogsmeade, that only really managed a couple of good pics. That had been one of them. The four marauders by the lake, trying to mess with each other as the photo was taken by a very excited first year girl. James had his left arm around Remus and the other one around Sirius. Remus couldn’t stop smiling and Sirius remembered quite enjoying the view. Peter was on Sirius’ other side, the only one actually trying to look at the camera, smiling broadly and genuinely. Fuck you, Sirius thought, as his finger went from touching James with delicacy, over to cover Pettigrew’s face, with certain strength. As if he could erase him from the memory and, Godric, he wished he could.
Remus turned around to face Sirius and, with an understanding look in his eyes, he touched his shoulder. “I know, Padfoot. I do too. It’s okay, though. To feel angry and still cherish the moment you once felt happy in. If we don’t make that compromise, I’m afraid there will be very few good memories left. And we really need those memories right now.”
Bloody hell, Moony, Sirius thought as he fell into Remus’ arms, crying like a baby. When the heck did you become this wisdom bowl? It was a snarky comment Sirius decided to keep to himself, accepting Remus’ words and kindness instead of making fun of them. He needed it right now because everything hurt. Having Mary back for a few hours only to send her off again hurt, having to come back to a place so full of pain and darkness hurt, having to listen to his mother's voice hurt, and seeing that picture… James was so happy there, they all were. If any of them had been asked back then who they trusted more than anything in the world, the answer to every single boy in that picture would be each other. And when it finally came to Sirius having to doubt someone, he went in the worst possible direction, costing him everything and everyone. I’m so, so sorry James. You told me not to doubt Moony, you never would have questioned any of us you bloody perfect, golden boy. And I loved you exactly for that. Oh, Prongs… Oh Moony…
He was crying at full lungs now, and, sitting on the bed he’d used as a hiding spot for so many years as a child, he felt like one again. Remus was holding him, trying to give him some strength, but when Sirius finally looked up at him, he realised the other man had been crying too. “I’m sorry, Moony”.
“Don’t be silly. I’m a mess too.” Remus whipped his cheeks and then Sirius’.
The two went under the covers and settled down on the bed, full clothed, and neither of them cared about that. Sirius was laying with his head on Remus’ chest, his favorite way of sleeping. It made him feel safe and protected, especially in such a scary place. Remus eventually took his chocolate and started feeding it to Sirius straight in the mouth, while also eating some himself.
“You’re amazing, Moony” Sirius smiled up at him. “I love you”.
“I know I am.” Remus smiled back. “And I love you too.”
They fell asleep shortly after that. Both feeling like a couple of scared little kids in a haunted house, holding on to each other as if their lives depended on it.