Work Text:
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war
For a leading role in a cage?
Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)
Remus – 1994
There was one call left to be made. One that didn’t include the fireplace and the flo connection, but the telephone landline Remus barely used for anything now that Grant had left. They had been discussing whether or not to make the call, but in the end, the answer had always been yes. Sirius might not have been able to clear his name with the Ministry, but the least he deserved was for the only close friend of his who survived 1981 (other than Remus, of course) to know he was innocent. They decided they didn’t want to break the news over the phone, Mary deserved more than that.
The morning they were meant to get to Grimmauld place, Sirius told Remus he wanted to do it before they left. He didn’t want to have to talk to Mary at his parents’ house, nor did either of them know how to get her to go there.
So, they decided the Order could wait another day. And instead of walking into the magical green fire that morning, Remus was holding the phone and dialing her number, hoping it hadn’t changed since they last spoke – he didn’t remember when it had been. So, when she picked up on the other end of the line, Remus felt relieve and fright all at once.
“Hello?”
“Haya, Mary?”
“Yes. Remus, is that you, sweetheart?”
“Yep, it’s me.”
“Good, it’s been a hot minute, hasn’t it?” She sounded genuinely happy to hear from him.
“Yep.” He decided to get straight to the point. “Listen, Mary, I really need to talk to you. But it can’t be over the phone”.
“Oh, ok. Do you want to come over? You can see the kids and I’ll make us some cake. Or do we ought to meet somewhere else?”
“Actually, I was hoping you’d come over. Here. To my flat” He stopped, waiting for an answer. He could practically hear her tensing in silence, so he tried again. “Look, Mary, I know you don’t like coming here, ok? I’m sorry but this is important and… I need to tell you something.” He hesitated before adding “I need to show you something, and I can’t… move it.”
She was quiet for another second before speaking again. “Ok, love. I’ll come over. For lunch?”
Remus thought about the lack of food in the kitchen, but took the breach. “Perfect. I’ll sort something out for us”.
“Sounds lovely” Her voice was a little tenser than it had been at the beginning of the call. “I’ll sort myself out and be on my way. See you in a bit, love.”
“See you.” Remus put the phone back in its place and finally looked up at Sirius who was watching him with nervous eyes.
“So? When’s she coming?”
“For lunch. I’d worry about not having any food in, but I don’t think we’ll worry a lot about eating while we’re telling her the truth. If we’re hungry afterwards I’ll just run downstairs and get some Chinese.”
“Great. Perfect. So, how do we do this?” Sirius was looking at his hands and, for the first time, Remus realised just how terrified he was to face Mary. She wasn’t some Order member they just had to tell the facts to and that Dumbledore trusted Sirius to get them to understand. She was one of their best friends. She lost James and Lily the same way they did. She mourned Peter and hated Sirius. She wasn’t included in the secret keeper debacle just as much as Remus wasn’t. And if she reacted just half as angry as Remus had to the whole revelation, then they weren’t in for a very pleasant reunion.
Remus took a deep breath, sat next to Sirius and touched his hands. “I’ll tell her. I’ll explain and you wait in the bedroom. It’s safer. If she freaks out and runs off, at least she won’t know you were here. I’ll bring you out when it’s safe, and then you can talk to her yourself. Is that okay?”
Sirius shifted his hands to interlock them with Remus’, looked up at him with thankfulness in his eyes. “Thank you, Moony.”, he whispered.
Remus brought him into a big hug. “Anything for you, Padfoot”.
Sirius seemed to relax a little and they started sorting out the boxes in the living room. They heard the not-so-subtle sound of someone apparating out in the street some 30 minutes later. Sirius looked at Remus, who went over and kissed his forehead before sending him into the other room right when a knock on the door sounded off. Remus took a deep breath and went over to answer it.
“Hello, stranger”. Mary greeted him with a hug, a bit stronger than she usually would. Remus sensed she was probably gathering all the strength she could before stepping into the flat. He hugged her back. He could use some extra strength himself.
“Come in, I’ll make us some tea.” He guided her in and they made a beeline for the kitchen.
“Weren’t we going to have lunch?” She asked, as Remus dropped the tea bags and poured the hot water into the two cups.
“Yeah. Later though”. He gave her a cup and walked her back to the living room. “Come on, take a sit”.
“Okay”, she looked really nervous, her eyes drifting through every corner of the room, clearly seeing old memories everywhere.
Remus felt suddenly very guilty for what he was doing, wondering if it wasn’t quite selfish to drag her right back into her worst nightmare. Mary was one of the strongest people he knew. When he was no more than a pile of grief, she had held her head up and built a new life to herself, so some part of him assumed she had been great at coping with her own loss. But now he could finally see. She had the same ghosts he had, and bringing her back to a place so filled with happy and heartbreaking memories was just as good as tossing a little kid into a haunted house; it was borderline cruel. And what he was about to do would certainly cross that line. He was about to bring one of those ghosts back from the dead. He took yet another deep breath and laid his mug on the table by the sofa. He had to do this. Sirius deserved it. And Mary deserved to know the truth. About the betrayal and about what was happening now.
“Mary, I’m sorry for bringing you here, but I really didn’t have an option there. Something’s happened and you deserve to know it.”
“Okay,” she said very quietly. “Then tell me already, Remus. You’re freaking me out”.
“Yeah, okay… The thing is… We were wrong.”
“What? About what?”
“About what happened. That Halloween.”
“Remus, what are you on about?” She had laid her own tea aside now, and Remus could see her hands shaking.
“Sirius. He wasn’t the spy, he…” but she cut him off, her voice somewhere in-between hurt and anger.
“Have you been drinking again?”
“What, no. You know I’ve been sobered for years now!” He held her gaze and went on, a little firmer this time. “Mary, listen to me. Sirius was never the spy, he was never James and Lily’s secret keeper, he never killed all of those muggles, or Peter, or gave Lily and James to Voldemort. He never betrayed us, never. We were wrong to think he ever would.” He stopped for breath and to see her reaction. Mary was looking at him, clearly still searching for signs of alcohol, but Remus felt sober as a rock and made sure that feeling was shown as a drawing on his face.
“Remus,” she spoke very calmly. “What are you talking about? We know what happened. We’ve known it from the moment it happened, we…”
“No, we didn’t!” He interrupted her, eager to get it all over with. “It was Peter, Mary. Peter was the spy and Peter was the secret keeper. Sirius made James switch to him at the last minute, thinking it would be the perfect plan. But Sirius didn’t tell anyone, so he was the only person who knew what Peter had done. He went to face him, but Peter got the best of him and transformed into a rat after killing all of those muggles and cutting off his own finger to fake his own death. It was all Peter, Mary!!” The calm Remus had felt a minute ago was long gone. It all came down spiraling out of him and he wasn’t even sure if any of it made any sense anymore. Mary looked at him with pure disbelief in her eyes.
“Remus, have you lost it?! What is all of this, some coping mechanism you’ve come up with? Peter is dead and Black is locked up for the crimes he committed. I know you probably still hurt from all of it, I don’t think any of us will ever stop hurting over it. But creating a false reality isn’t going to help. I mean, blaming it on Peter? Remus, come on! The poor thing was never much to look at, or to fight with, for that matter. But betraying James? He was his best friend!” She had tears in her eyes now, and something else, though it wasn’t just anger anymore. What was it? Pity?
“I know how insane it sounds. Believe me, I do. But think for a second. I know how unlikely it is for Peter to have betrayed James, but think about Sirius. James was everything to him, James was his whole family. We were insane to believe he would ever hurt him!”
“What you’re saying is what’s insane! Wake up, Lupin! Where the hell is all of this coming from, anyway? After all this time!” ahh, so she was back to anger. Ok, Remus thought, I can deal with anger.
“Sirius escaped Azkaban.”
“HE WHAT?” She was getting to her feet now and started to pace the room.
“Yeah, about two years ago, actually.”
“Two years? Two bloody years?! And you didn’t think to, I dunno, TELL ME?” She was boiling furious right now, and Remus realised he needed her to cool off if he was going to tell her the entire story, so he lowered his voice while still keeping it very firm and tried again.
“Look, Mary, I need you to listen to the whole story, alright? I’ll tell you everything, just calm down.”
“What whole story, Remus? That there’s a fucking murderer on the loose and you’re making excuses for him? You think you’re the only one who’s been having to cope with stuff? The only one with fucking ghosts? I’ve got the same ghosts as you do, Remus! I was there too, remember!? I get nightmares and I get sad and I get fucking pissed at everything that happened! God, coming here is a fucking nightmare! But I’m not running around trying to mess with other people’s heads just because I’m having a breakdown about my bloody ex-boyfriend running out of fucking wizarding jail! What is wrong with you?” Remus could feel the heat coming out of her skin from where she was standing, staring at him in total disbelief. He had never, ever, seen Mary MacDonald like that, and it was scary. But the temperature in the room was rising, and Remus was starting to get angry himself.
“Listen” he tried to keep his voice steady. “I’m not trying to cope with anything or mess with your head. And I’m not standing up for James and Lily’s murderer. But you have to hear me out. Let me tell you everything and then you can make out of it what you want.”
They stared at each other for a very long moment. Mary’s stare was piercing, but Remus was buzzing with adrenaline now and needing to protect Sirius at all costs, so he held his head up, letting her eyes meet his in full power. Eventually, Mary seemed to gather that Remus wasn’t drunk and seemed in perfect hold of his mental capacities, so she walked back to the sofa and sat down. Remus took it as a good sign and began to tell her. His head was clearer about what to say now, and he told her everything: about Dumbledore showing up and offering him a job, about going to Hogwarts and meeting Harry and about the dementors. Then he got to the Shrieking Schack debacle. He told her about the map, seeing Peter’s name on it and it all clicking for him. He filled her in the animagi situation from their own times at Hogwarts and explained what had really happened on Halloween night, 1981. When he stopped talking, he looked at her and realised her face was completely blank, as if she was trying to make sense of all of the new information. They fell into silence again, and Remus let her process all he had just said. Finally, after what seemed like a very long time, but could have been just a few seconds, Mary spoke on a crooked voice.
“You’re telling me you saw Peter? Alive?”
“Yes.”
“And Sirius?”
“Yes.”
“And Peter confessed?”
“Well, not willingly. But eventually he had no other way around his lies.”
“God” She was breathless now; her voice, a whisper. “So, Sirius was innocent all along?”
“Yes.” He got closer to her on the sofa now, laying a hesitant hand on top of hers. “Mary, are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” She seemed to step out of her trance of shock, looking up at Remus with watered eyes and a pleading look. “I don’t know Remus. It makes sense but, at the same time… it doesn’t. I mean, not that it ever made sense that Black would be the spy, but Pettigrew? I... Do you know what I mean?”
“I do. Believe me, I’ve been where you are right now. I know just how you feel. But it’s the truth, and you deserve to know it.”
“Why now, though?”
“Sorry?”
“You say I deserve to know it. But, from what you’ve told me, you’ve known Sirius escaped for at least two years, and that he was innocent for at least one. I know we don’t talk that much, and we haven’t seen each other much this last few years but, still. You sent me Christmas cards, we talked on the phone at least a couple times since you found out the truth. Why didn’t you say anything?”
Remus was at a loss for words now. It’s not that he didn’t want to tell Mary, he just really didn’t know how. He didn’t want to burden her with reliving the worst years of her life for a truth he wasn’t sure could bring anyone any comfort. He told her that.
“Okay, but then why now? What changed?” she pressed.
“Because… because it’s not up to me anymore. He wanted you to know the truth, and he deserves that.”
“He? What… Sirius? You said he ran away after the Shack. You know where he is, then?”
“I…” Remus gave up on having to talk anymore. Mary didn’t look as if she posed any threat at this point, so he just got up and went into the hallway. He opened the bedroom door, only to find Padfoot right behind it. He transformed right back into Sirius and gave Remus a quick shrug
“Dog ears are better” he mumbled.
“Yeah, sure.” Remus gave him a tiny smile. “I’ve done my bit. Come now”.
When he got back into the living room, Mary was already on her feet, clearly having figured out what Remus wanted to show her.
When Sirius stepped out of the corridor, his head slightly lowered, resembling a lost puppy scared of being beat, she gasped. Her eyes were running through every inch of him, probably wondering where had the young, beautiful and lively Sirius she had once called her boyfriend gone. But, then again, none of them were what they once had been anymore.
She took one step ahead, looking very doubtful about the safety of the situation. Of course, Remus thought. It was one thing for her to believe his story; it was another for her to wrap her mind around the idea that the man she had hated for the last decade was innocent.
“Haya, Mary” Sirius finally broke the ice, clearly still scared she would curse him right then and there.
Remus stepped to the side, trying to give them some space but still staying close enough in case he needed to cast some shield spell on one of them.
“Hi,” she said in no more than a whisper. She cleared her throat and finally met his eyes “Lupin here has been telling me a very strange story.”
“I know.” Sirius seemed a bit surer of his own safety now, and went on, trying to humor the situation a bit “I asked him to, because I didn’t know that I would have the time to cover all of the details before you could murder me.”
Mary didn’t laugh, though. She was still staring at him. “You know, Black, I really hated you. I guess I still do, it’s not the kind of thing you get over with one well-told tale.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
“So… you’re innocent, then?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“You guess?” she narrowed her eyes at him.
“No! I mean, yes, I am innocent!” Sirius mended quickly. “Everything Moony just told you is true. Peter was the secret keeper, he’s alive and everything.”
“Ok,” she said, but still didn’t move. Sirius looked deeply troubled, as if he’d expected her to either curse him or hug him, but not this load of nothing. He looked at Remus desperately. Remus opened his mouth to ask Mary if she was alright, but she started speaking again. “I hate coming here.” He had a very strong feeling she was addressing no one in particular. “I actually don’t think I came over since right after it happened. I never understood why Remus insisted on staying, why he never left. It’s been almost 14 years, and the moment I crossed your front door I… I see everybody. James and Sirius wrestling over nothing, Lily siting here pretending to be annoyed at them but actually really enjoying herself. Marlene checking on Remus’ newest bruise. Peter dozing off after having had one beer… Peter… oh god, the bastard.” And that was it. She burst into tears and sat back down on the sofa, shaking in a state neither of them had ever seen her. Sirius stood there, still uncertain if it was okay for him to approach her, but Remus kneeled by her side, taking her in his arms and holding her close and tight. “I… I’m sorry” She tried to recompose herself, pulling back from the hug, but still letting Remus’ hands hold onto her arms, steadying her. “I just… I don’t know, it’s like it’s happening all over again right in front of my eyes and… fuck! It hurts.”.
Remus squeezed her arms and caught her eyes in his. “You just found out one friend was innocent at the cost of another being guilty. You just realised you spent 14 years of your life hating the wrong person and grieving over the one who caused you all of that pain. You were just faced with a complete retelling of a story that broke you to a million pieces. Of course it hurts, Mary. I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been there and I know it hurts.”.
“Mary.” Sirius came forward, sitting next to her on the sofa. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” She looked up at him, as if seeing her friend again for the first time. “You did nothing. If anything, we should apologise to you for not even blinking when they told us you’d betrayed Lily and James. And I do, I do apologise for that. I’m so, so sorry, Sirius. I knew who you were and I just… let it happened. I just believed them!”
“No, no!” Sirius shook his head, nothing but kindness in his eyes now. “Yes, I was innocent and, yes, it would have been nice to have someone not believe me to be the spy. But I didn’t exactly help my own case. I knew I was innocent of straight up giving James and Lily to Voldemort on a silver plate, but I still felt guilty. Merlin, I still do! I had doubted Moony, I had doubted all of my friends except for the one who mattered! If I’d trusted Remus like I should have… maybe we still would have given the secret to Wormtail, but at least…” And he looked at Remus as he said the next words “at least you wouldn’t have been left all alone.”. They locked eyes for a second, a kind of silent communication of understanding passing between the two men before Sirius looked back at the girl sitting next to him. “And Peter would have been brought to justice and not gotten a fucking Order of Merlin, for fuck’s sake. But no, I was stupid and on top of all of that I wanted to punish myself. So, I didn’t even try to get out for all of those years.” He stopped for breath and looked at his hands, looking almost ashamed of himself, before continuing, in a lower voice. “So yeah, maybe I couldn’t have saved James and Lily, but I could have trusted you two, and maybe the three of us could have suffered just a little bit less, and I’m so sorry for not doing that.”
Remus was watching Sirius very closely now, taking in every word he’d just said. Just the night before he had assured Sirius that an apology for all of that didn’t matter; that whatever resentment he still had within himself, he chose love. And he genuinely meant that; but now, looking at Sirius all scared of not being able to regain Mary’s love and all resentful of himself for having done what he’d done, Remus finally forgave him. Wholeheartedly forgave him. And, apparently, so did Mary, who was reaching for Sirius’ hand and pulling him close.
Remus let go of her, letting her pull Sirius into one of the biggest hugs he’d ever seen. He felt like an intruder for a split second, before one of her hands reached out and grabbed his own shirt, pulling him into the hug with them. Remus gave in, without a second thought. He usually wasn’t one for hugging, but that one felt like something he had been waiting for, ever since he found out Sirius was innocent. Having the last of his people together again in one place, safe and sound under his arms where he could keep them that way.
They had never done proper grieving for the loss they’d gone through with other people who actually felt the same way they did. Mary and Remus were never quite able to open up to each other, and Sirius never even got the chance to. So, they just held on to each other, 14 years of hurt being shared for the first time. They were all just scraps of the brilliant, bright, and fearless kids they’d once been, and the three of them knew there was no coming back from that and there was no healing completely, not for what they’d gone through. So, they just held on, and none of them said anything. The hug went on for several minutes, but no one was counting.
When they finally let go of each other, there wasn’t one dry face amongst them. Sirius was smiling a bit, relief all over his face and Mary was looking at him with love in her eyes. Remus was the one to break the sweet but awkward moment.
“So, about lunch! I don’t really have anything on me, but I think I could run down to the Chinese place and grab something for us. What do you think?”
They agreed, and Remus went to get the food, letting Sirius to catch up on Mary’s life. When he came back, she was showing him pictures of her daughter and telling him all about the one time the little one made the healthy snack disappear from her plate without ever touching it.
They had lunch and she stayed through the afternoon. Mary asked about Harry, and the two men were so excited to tell her all about him they couldn’t stop smiling.
“He is Lily and James all over,” Remus was saying, pure pride in his heart. “He is brave and selfless and loyal, but always with a snarky comment when it’s due.”
“He sounds perfect,” Mary was smiling too. “And what about his friends? Isn’t it weird, considering how famous he is?”
“No!” Sirius assured her, quickly. “He’s got these two best friends, Ron and Hermione, and they’re both incredible to him. They don’t care who he is, and they are just as loyal and protective to him as Harry is to them. Honestly, that’s the one thing I’m never worried about. The girl is brilliant and the boy is just as brave as Harry is.”
“It’s true,” Remus added, fondly remembering all the times he witnessed the trio standing up to each other. “Actually Mary, do you remember when Molly Weasley was pregnant alongside Lily? You even joked their kids would go to Hogwarts together? Well, that’s Ron! Ron Weasley!”
“God, that’s so nice to hear! And the girl? Would I know her parents?”
“Not really. She’s a muggle-born. And just as our Lily once was, she’s the brightest witch of her age, I’m telling you.”
Mary had a dreamy look on her face now, surely remembering their own years at Hogwarts.
“I miss her so much, you know?” She said with a smile. “Her and Marlene. God, it feels like it was a whole other life, doesn’t it?”
“It sure does.” Sirius threw an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her gently. “Those girls… Lily would take ten death eaters with her wand in one hand while holding James’ with the other. She was bloody brilliant in whatever she put her mind to. Marlene too. Brave and kind. McKinnon would have changed the world, wouldn’t she?”
“She would”. Remus said, remembering Marlene’s promises of giving her life to studying lycanthropy. “She wouldn’t have settled for nothing less than that.”
“Yes,” Mary said, with tears in her eyes. As much as Remus’ heart was filled with love by remembering all those good things about his friends, he wasn’t sure how long it would be before they all started bowling their eyes out again, and he was really aiming for a bit more cheerfulness for the remaining of the day, so he went in for an old joke.
“God, look at us? Who would have thought the requirement to survive was to have shagged at least two of your friends, hm?”
“Moony!” Sirius put a mock affronted hand to his chest and said, half-laughing, “what a gentleman!”. Yes, Remus thought, Sirius still knows his way around a joke. Mary got into the play, too:
“Always knew I should have shagged James at some point. And Marlene definitely wanted to shag me! Although I must say I am now very pleased I never gave Pettigrew any chance.”
And they laughed. Which was pretty out of character for three people clearly too used to suffering over those lost friends, instead of making fun of them. But right now, they had all decided they would be happy, even if for one afternoon. It was a silent and temporary agreement, and Remus was thankful for it.
That’s how the rest of the arrangement went. They relived old stories, from simpler days, before war and betrayal took everything from them. Whenever one of them looked like they were about to go blue, someone else would come up with a light-hearted joke, making the smiles show up again. They had a marvelous time.
The moon was already in the sky when Mary decided it was about time she called in the day. When she was about to leave, she seemed to finally noticed the boxes all over the place and asked
“What’s with all of this? You two moving out?”
“Oh, that!” Remus realised they never got to tell her about Voldemort coming back and the war being picked up again. They got so caught up in the good feeling of being around each other again, neither he nor Sirius had gone deeper into the whole situation. As far as she knew, Peter was still in hiding and their biggest trouble was Sirius not being able to prove his innocence. Remus opened his mouth to start explaining, but Sirius was quicker:
“Yeah, like you said. A lot of ghosts around here. I can’t bear it, so we’re moving closer to Hogsmeade, to be closer to Harry, too!” Sirius was grinning, as if he’d had all of that figured out and it was really happening, and he didn’t give any indicators of trying to recruit her back into the Order. Remus couldn’t quite grasp what he was on about, so he just smiled and nodded along.
“Oh, that’s great for you!” Mary smiled at them. “I’ve been telling Remus for ages he ought to get out of this bloody place! Well, then, don’t forget to write to me once you both are settled, alright?”
“Of course!” Sirius smiled and pulled her into a big hug, holding her tight.
When they finally let go of each other, Remus went in for his turn and couldn’t help but feeling like it was very final. He held her tight, hoping she knew just how much he loved her. But just in case she didn’t, just in case he didn’t get another chance:
“I love you, Mary. You’re amazing.” He said into her hair, holding back tears. It was so unlike him; all of that hugging and love declarations and apologies going around all day long, and yet, he didn’t care. He’d learned a long time ago you don’t leave things unsaid, and even though he still struggled with pouring his heart out all the time for everyone, today, for Mary, it was all coming out very easily.
“I love you too, sweetheart.” She held him tighter, and Remus knew, somehow, she was saying her goodbyes too. “And I love you too”, she said pulling back from Remus and resting a hand on Sirius’ cheek.
“Love you, Macdonald.” Sirius whispered, taking her hand from his face and kissing it.
She stepped back, taking a long and deep look at the both of them, as the two men did the same to her. She was just as amazing as she’d been at 19, unapologetically beautiful and strong. Remus tried to take in every detail of that formidable woman, preserving her sweet smile and fearless eyes in his mind like a painting. Yes, Remus thought, she has ghosts too. And if you pay enough attention, you can see them right behind her eyes, but she never lets them scare her away. A true Gryffindor, this one.
“Well then,” she broke the spell of the moment. “I really should be going, boys. Take care of each other, will you?”
“You too, Mary,” Remus said, meaning it more than his words could translate.
With a final quick kiss to each of their cheeks, she stepped outside before disaparating away.
They both stood at the door frame looking at the spot where Mary MacDonald had stood only a second ago. Finally, Remus reached for Sirius’ hand and guided him inside. They went in silence to the sofa and just sat there, still holding hands. They had to get to Grimmauld place, but not yet. They both needed a moment to grieve, although neither of them understood why.
After a while, they got up, both ready to leave. They gathered the stuff they still needed to take with them and placed them at a spot near the sofa; they would summon those boxes later and all of the rest was being left behind and maybe Remus would come back for it another time. He went over to lock the front door and make sure all of the windows were closed and the electronics unplugged.
They stepped into the fireplace holding hands. And Remus only had a moment to look at his living room for the last time before it finally went disappearing into the green flames.