Work Text:
“Okay, Jungkook, ready?”
The idol nods, standing on the taped X on the floor. Today he’s on set for the Wings short film collection, shooting his crying scene. The makeup assistant gives his face a once-over, brushing his face with a powder, before moving off to the side near the rest of the crew.
“Ready.” Jungkook replies. He glances down at the floor and takes a deep breath before looking up, directly into the camera.
“Action.” The director calls, the set silent apart from the rain behind Jungkook pattering against the floor behind his feet.
As the rain falls, he blinks. He blocks out everything around him. He focuses on the camera that will be moving closer to his face. Lets his thoughts consume him. Yanks the deeper ones back to the surface, like pressing play on a film that’s been paused for a long while.
His head starts to fill with doubts.
What if I’m not cut out for this? What if I can’t keep up with the others? What if I fuck up the performances? Do they really even want me here? Am I even talented or did they only choose me as a random face on a stage? What can I do to compete with the others? Am I good enough?
Jungkook’s mind floods with negative thoughts and his breath hitches. He shakes his head, face scrunching in a flash of sadness. Tears form in his eyes and he looks away, turning his head as the camera moves closer. Looking back, his breath shakes, a knot forming in his throat.
What if I can’t do this? I’m not talented. I can’t do what Jimin can. Or Jhope. Or Taehyung. None of them. I’m nothing compared to them. Nothing.
Jungkook’s head falls, the rain creating a steady drone behind him. His body gently heaves with each quivering breath. His lips tremble, eyes burning with unshed tears. Looking around, he sees black. Pitch darkness, only the floor, the rain, and his feet visible from where he’s positioned. All light in the room are dimmed for his recording, leaving him unable to see any of the crew. His breath hitches once more, his neck constricting and his breath lightly panting through his lips. Screwing his eyes shut, he lets out a breath as tears begin to drop onto his cheeks, dragging cold trails down to his chin. Jungkook shakes his head again, trying to clear his thoughts. It has no effect, too many bad thoughts now let free to run around in his head. He struggles to blink the tears away, as more fall and his breath continues to shudder.
They don’t want me. How could they? How many times have they actually enjoyed my company? How many times have they shrugged me off to spend time with another member? Would they even care if I was gone?
Jungkook’s breath becomes more frantic, head shaking back and forth as he cries. His throat tightens for the third time and he feels two more tears fall down his face, seeping into the makeup skillfully blended into his smooth skin. As his body wracks with a sob, his face contorts in pain at the thoughts filling his head.
I’m not good enough. I don’t belong here.
He lifts his arm, shaking lightly as he wipes away his tears and dabs at his cheeks with the back of his hand. Pulling in a shaking breath, he wishes his head would shut up. The thoughts just keep playing through his mind, like a song stuck in his head.
“Cut.” The voice jars him back to the set, the rain turned off by a crew member, the pitter-patter sound coming to a stop. As the set lights start to raise back to their normal brightness, the spotlight above him dims and he blinks away a new set of tears.
“Good work today, Jungkook. That’s all we need you for.”
See, they don’t need you anymore. They just wanted your stupid face for a video. You probably won’t even look good. Worst looking member in the group.
Jungkook nods, before taking a stiff step forward. His body feels cold. As he makes his way off the set, he changes into his normal clothes, a simple black hoodie and grey sweats. He tries not to look at his body in the mirror as he changes from his elegant film clothes into his everyday wear. He smears the makeup covering his face, throwing the wipe in the trashcan on the way out the door as he grabs his things.
Just go back to the dorms and go to sleep. You’ll feel better tomorrow.
But sleep isn’t an option. Once he arrives, he thanks the driver and trudges down a couple halls until he gets to the dorms. Turning the handle, he prays the others are in their rooms, busy with work or just out of sight. As he shuts the door gently, he hears some shuffling in a room down the hall.
“Who’s home?” It’s Jimin. Maybe he can get away to his room without saying much to the older. Jungkook continues towards his room, when Jimin pops out from behind a doorway. A smile graces his features, the older lighting up at the sight of his younger hyung. Before Jungkook can move past him to his room, the older pulls Jungkook to him in a hug. Jungkook leans into the touch, at the same time unnaturally stiff.
Why’d you let him hug you? You know he doesn’t mean it.
Jungkook pulls away after a couple seconds, tilting his head down. Jimin frowns slightly at Jungkook’s behavior. The maknae has always leaned into his hugs eagerly.
“Jungkook, how’d the filming go? Didn’t you finish your parts today?” Jimin attempts to move on and notices the younger shrug.
“Filming was okay. I’m kinda tired, hyung,” Jungkook glances up at his bandmate, “I think I’ll just hit the bed early.”
“Okay. Rest well, Kookie. We’ll wake you for dinner.” The younger nods and moves down the hall to his room, not sparing another glance at Jimin. Jimin watches him shut his door and thinks to check on him later.
~
Knuckles rap on the door and Jungkook groans as he wakes up from his nap. He glances at the clock on the bedside table. 7:14. Slept for three hours, he thinks as he shoves the covers to the side and stands up, wobbling from sleep.
“Kookie, time for dinner. I made your favorite.” Jin calls through the door, as Jungkook calls out a reply, slipping a hand through his messy hair and shrugging on a shirt. Shuffling into the kitchen, the other six boys are seated around the table, chatting about the day. Jimin’s eyes catch Jungkook in the doorway when he walks into the room and the older boy smiles encouragingly.
“Yah, Kook, glad you could join us.” The others turn around and spot the maknae, sending gentle smiles and mumbling tired hellos. “Come eat something.” Jungkook nods and makes his way over to the empty seat between Jimin and Suga. Namjoon nudges a plate of food towards him and Jungkook smiles softly.
“Thanks, hyung.” As he eats, Jungkook listens to the other members conversations about the schedule for the next day, as well as their usual banter and jokes at the dinner table. He eats about half of the food on his plate before Taehyung calls his name.
“Yeah, hyung?” Jungkook responds, looking towards the older, blonde-haired boy.
“How’d your filming go today?” Jungkook freezes. “I wasn’t able to ask earlier.” Taehyung smiles genuinely, and Jungkook should be okay with the question. It shouldn’t bother him as much as it does. He stares down at the table, mind reeling through the doubts and insecurities from the afternoon. They’d been dormant since he woke up, but resume with a vigor.
Worthless. Untalented. Ugly. Fucked up. Nothing.
“…kook?” What? “Jungkook.” Voices. Who’s speaking? “Kookie, hey, can you hear me?” Jimin. Jimin’s speaking.
“Huh?” He mutters, glancing at his hyung and back at the others. He’s still at the table, but now seven pairs of concerned eyes are watching him, dinner forgotten.
“Jungkook.” Jimin gently places his palm against Jungkook’s cheek. “What’s going on, what’s wrong?” He wipes a stray tear from the maknae’s face. When did he start crying? “Talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.” Jimin’s voice is quiet, trying to be soothing, but also worried he’ll startle Jungkook if he raises his voice from a whisper.
“N-nothing.” Jungkook’s voice stutters. Dammit. “I’m fine.” He looks away, thoughts filling his head, making it hard to think.
“Jungkook, you’re obviously not. We just want to help you.” Jin says calmly, eyes searching Jungkook’s. The maknae feels more tears fall down his face, Jimin’s touch wiping them away.
“I-,” he starts as Jimin nods encouragingly. “I don’t...I don’t know how to…you…you all…” Jungkook feels himself starting to panic, the memory of filming at the forefront of his mind.
“I c-can’t, I can’t…” His body starts to rack with tremors.
Worthless. Pathetic excuse of an idol. Exhausting. A burden.
Jungkook hides his face in his hands, regret and shame flooding his body.
You’re wasting their time. They don’t actually care.
“Shh shh, Kookie, it’s okay.” Jimin’s hand has fallen from Jungkook’s cheek to his thigh, rubbing soothing circle motions into his sweats. The younger hiccups, mind whirling like a tornado, destroying everything in its path. All the good thoughts – the happy, loving thoughts – blown to the edges of his mind, unreachable.
“Hey, show us your face, baby.” Jungkook notices the pet name slip from Namjoon’s lips. They rarely use pet names, only when someone’s sick or emotional. Check.
“N-no, no I can’t. I- I’m a burden. I’m not worth it. I- I don’t deserve y-you all.” Jungkook’s words come in gasps from behind his hands. The others watch in shock.
When had their maknae become so unsure of himself? When had he started feeling this way?
Jungkook’s shoulders shake with his sobs and their hearts ache.
“You-you don’t need me. I’m not talented like you, I don’t c-compete. I’m j-just a burden, I’m not i-important.” Tears fall steadily down the younger’s face as he heaves in gasping breaths. A headache has started to form behind his eyes and his stomach cramps at the food now upsetting his stomach.
Another thing for them to worry about. You can’t even eat without getting sick? You’re so helpless, can’t do anything without them worrying over you.
Jungkook’s stomach turns painfully and he bites back a gasp as Suga tries to pull his hand from his face. They can’t know. I can’t be sick.
“Kook, look at me, darling.” Suga’s tone drips with care as he gently pries the boy’s hands away and holds them in his own. The other members sag like wilting flowers when they see his puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, and flushed skin. Jungkook feels their worrying gaze burning into him. He moves his eyes to a spot in the distance, his cheeks burning hot with shame and unknown fever.
“Awe, darling, we didn’t know you felt like this. Why didn’t you say anything?” Suga brings his hands up to Jungkook’s face and wipes his tears away with the pads of his thumbs. He feels his maknae trembling under his touch. The boy doesn’t speak.
“Baby, you’re worrying us. Please talk to us.” Jin’s tone is concerned, just resting at the edge of panicked. Jungkook looks at his hyung, opens his mouth and stutters.
“I-I don’t…” His doe eyes widen in panic when his stomach twists, a jolt running up his spine. Not now, why now! Bile starts rising in his throat and he pulls away from Jimin and Suga’s touch.
“Kook?” Jimin frowns, confused.
Jerking up from his chair, he shoves himself away from the table and stumbles towards the bathroom, a hand clamped over his mouth.
“Jungkook?” Jhope calls his name, worry and confusion transforming his usually happy voice. Jungkook doesn’t answer, the barely-digested dinner about to expel from his body. He only makes it a couple feet from the table before he shakily drops to his knees, his throat starting to heave. Bile escapes his mouth and coats the hardwood below him, the stench filling his nose. His throat burns as he chokes on the vomit, tears welling up at the pain, slipping down his cheeks. He’s shaking, sweat soaking through his black shirt.
“Shit, Kook.” It’s Namjoon.
No, I can’t be sick. They don’t need to worry about me. I can’t be sick. I can’t…
But he can’t stop his body. He feels a hand settle on his back, rubbing in an attempt to comfort him. Another bout of sick comes up and the burning in his throat doesn’t cease. He whimpers, arms shaking under the weight of holding up his body.
“You’re okay, baby.” Namjoon wraps a strong arm around the younger’s back, settling his hand on Jungkook’s chest to keep him steady. “I’ve got you.” Jungkook’s stomach clenches painfully.
“Aish, you’re trembling, darling.” It’s Suga. The rapper wipes the random strands of Jungkook’s hair off his sweaty forehead and takes a damp cloth from Jimin, dabbing it across the boy’s sweaty face, making sure to get his forehead, neck, and lips.
“I- I don’t feel good, h-hyung.” Jungkook whimpers as tears fall down his face. Shame floods his body as he shakes, his stomach cramping with nothing left to expel. He feels like dying. His headache has increased to a blinding pain behind his eyes, and his entire body aches, sweat dripping down his back and chest. His knees dig into the floor and he just wants to crawl into bed for a hundred years.
I’m ruining my hyungs time. Now they have to take care of me instead. Why can’t I do anything right?
“We’ve got you, baby.” Namjoon says, arm still wrapped around him. The leader slowly pulls Jungkook back against his chest, the younger sagging against him, all energy drained from his weak, feverish body. “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?” He grabs the bottom of Jungkook’s shirt and helps take it off, as Suga wipes over the boy’s sweaty chest with the cloth from before. The coolness feels good against his clammy skin. Taehyung hands Namjoon a new t-shirt for Jungkook, while Jin and Jhope clean up the mess on the floor.
Jungkook continues to softly cry as the leader helps him get the shirt on. There’s a constant burn in the back of his throat, and the foul taste in his mouth makes him want to puke again. The shame washes through him in waves.
“Here, Kookie.” Jimin appears in Jungkook’s vision, holding a glass of water. “This’ll help.” Jungkook reaches out for the glass but he’s too weak to grasp it and stay steady.
“I’ve got it, it’s alright baby.” Namjoon whispers as he takes the glass from Jimin and brings it to Jungkook’s dry lips. The water wets his tongue and slides down his throat, soothing the burn and washing away some of the bad taste in his mouth. He swallows gratefully, gulping down the water and forgetting to breathe. “Breathe baby. Small sips.” Namjoon read his mind. “Don’t want it coming back up.” Last thing we need is you getting sick again, Jungkook’s thinks. Probably what Namjoon wanted to say instead.
Jungkook swallows and leans away from the cup, Namjoon handing it back to Jimin in understanding. Jungkook closes his eyes in an attempt to forget about the trouble he’s caused. He’s so tired. He feels a set of fingers start to run through his hair, petting the wisps at the nape of his neck.
“I’ve got you, love.” Jhope brushes his lips against Jungkook’s forehead, gently moving the boy from Namjoon’s arms until Jungkook has his legs wrapped around the rapper’s waist, his head nudged into the space between Jhope’s cheek and collarbone. His nose brushes against the others neck. “That’s it. You’re okay, love.” Jhope’s whispers send the maknae into a doze. “You’re so brave. So brave.” Jhope kisses the boy’s head; soft, feather-light kisses filled with so much love and care for the sick boy wrapped around his body. Jhope moves his hand to Jungkook’s back, slipping his cool hand under the thin shirt, before rubbing his palm across the heated skin in soothing motions. The contrast causes Jungkook to shiver, before relaxing and letting out a sigh.
“My brave, brave Jungkookie.” More gentle kisses pressed to his head.
“We love you so so much.” He hears, his mouth lifting into a small smile as he falls into a deep sleep, surrounded by his loving hyungs.