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Alexandria was in shambles after Beta had led his horde through the safe zone.
Negan, being one of the strongest members of the community, was asked to help with repairs. While he still never felt as if he was a member of the home he once tortured, he felt as if it was his duty to help rebuild the walls he also once burned down.
The residents were still uncomfortable around the former tyrant, but there was now a new understanding among Alexandrians after Negan had put his life on the line to kill the alpha of the Whisperers.
Still, there was that aura of negativity that surrounded him and even silent backlash against those who would interact with him. Carol was facing some of it as she was the one to let the wolf out of his cage, but Carol was still Carol and that carried weight and respect that Negan no longer had.
Now, with Maggie back home and her and Glenn’s son in tow, everything that Negan had begun to build, including trust with people like Daryl, Carol, Gabriel, and even Aaron, was becoming irrelevant again.
As soon as he saw her at the rendezvous point after he and Daryl had finished off Beta, his heart had sunk well below his ribs. The new chapter in the Book of Negan had crumbled along with the rest of the neglected paperbacks in the new world.
However, there were still those on his side. People like Judith, Gabriel, and especially, Lydia. While Lydia and Negan had their issues, there was a connection there that would not be so easily broken by a few glares or hushed whispers.
Lydia had found a home in Alexandria just as others had when trying to escape the fears from outside the walls. When Daryl had brought her to Alexandria and she had met Negan, everything she thought about the Living had changed. She and Negan were similar in that people didn’t trust them and at times, people feared them. Lydia saw herself in Negan and he did as well.
The two of them were outsiders living within a community that would never fully trust them. However, no matter what the Alexandrians thought, there would always be those few people that they could rely on.
Lydia wandered through the dark streets of Alexandria. The walls were being repaired, the windmill too, and people seemed to be in higher spirits as the war had ended. Lydia still noticed the stares and occasional whispers about her, but those seemed to be coming from the people she didn’t know as well.
The people she saw as a family such as Daryl, Carol, Kelly, Aaron, Gabriel, and even Rosita, who remained kind to her, kept her spirits high. Then, of course, there was Negan, the one person she felt as if she could tell anything.
Walking towards where Negan was staying, Lydia absently twirled her staff, trying to perfect the movements Henry once showed her before he died. Moving past the Grimes house, she noticed Judith sitting on the steps with her baby brother, keeping him warm with a blanket as she read to him. Daryl was around too, walking with Dog and speaking to Rosita who carried Coco in her arms.
As Lydia got closer to Negan’s, she noticed Maggie near the vegetable patch, scanning the food stores. Lydia was introduced to the woman a day before, but she didn’t know how to speak to her, let alone act around her. Lydia had heard stories of the previous leader of Hilltop, just as she had heard stories about Ezekiel and Carol who ran the Kingdom for years.
She knew that Negan had killed Maggie’s husband and that that incident led to the war between the allied communities and Negan’s soldiers who were known as The Saviors. Nobody liked to talk about those years of bloodshed, but after seeing how Maggie Rhee glared at the man who had saved Lydia on multiple occasions, she had had enough and needed answers.
Moving past the woman, Lydia continued towards the small house Negan was staying in. She found him easily as he was sitting on the steps of the house, drinking from a glass jar. Even from down the road, Lydia could tell it wasn’t water.
“Can’t sleep?” Lydia asked as she approached. Negan looked up at her, giving her a small smile.
“Not sure any of us have ever gotten a decent night’s sleep in a while, kid,” he said. Lydia couldn’t argue with that. Climbing the steps, she settled down next to him and then held out her hand. Negan narrowed his eyes at her. “How old are you again?”
“I have no idea,” Lydia said and it was true. Time was confusing now. She figured she was around sixteen, but she couldn’t be sure.
“Fine, but only if you give me that,” Negan said, pointing to the weapon at her side. Lydia handed over her staff and he stowed it behind him before handing her the glass jar. “Go easy,” he said after glancing around, most likely looking for Daryl who would frown upon the teenager drinking moonshine.
Lydia took a small sip of the alcohol, cringing at the flavor before handing it back. She coughed as it burned her throat and Negan laughed. “I don’t think I like that,” Lydia said, wiping her mouth.
“Good,” Negan said. “This stuff will kill ya.”
“Why drink it then?” Lydia asked.
“Because it’s the only thing that makes me feel anything right now,” he admitted, taking another sip.
“This about Maggie?” she asked. Negan was thoughtful for a moment, weighing her words.
“Some of it,” he admitted. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Apologize?” Lydia offered.
“Trust me, she doesn’t want to hear those words come from my mouth. The second I even begin, she’ll put an arrow through my eye.”
“It’s been a long time,” Lydia said.
“It could be thirty years and she wouldn’t care,” Negan said with a sigh. “I get it though, I’d hate me too. I killed the man she loved as she watched. Maggie was pregnant as she watched me beat him to death, Lydia. I ain’t never going to ask her to forgive me.”
“I would forgive you,” she said.
“No, you wouldn’t,” Negan said quickly. “Do you forgive Alpha for killing Carol’s boy?” Lydia was silent and that gave him his answer. “Exactly.”
“Okay, so maybe I could never forgive her, but I may have been able to live with her if she had changed like you had,” Lydia posited.
“You didn’t know me before now, kiddo,” he said. “I was…horrible, but there was still good in me even if it was buried deep. I don’t know if your mom had any of that in her.”
“If you had good in you back then, why did it take you so long to do something about it?” she asked.
“That is the million-dollar question,” Negan said with another sip of the moonshine. “I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I was a power-hungry asshole who used fear to keep that power. Hell, I may still be that asshole.”
“You’re not,” Lydia said. “You’re a good person.” Negan gave her a look that spoke louder than his usual snarky candor. “Okay, then you are a person who does good things,” she corrected and Negan nodded, accepting that change. “So, if you can’t apologize to her, what can you do?”
“I can keep out of her way and do everything I can to make sure that nobody hurts these people, especially that little boy of hers.”
“Daryl told me that he looks like his father,” Lydia said.
“Why are you asking me about all this?” Negan asked, putting down the moonshine and turning towards her fully. Lydia almost looked ashamed in the low light from the camper lantern on the railing behind them.
“Tell me about the war between Alexandrians and the Saviors,” she said.
“Why?”
“You know about my past,” Lydia rationalized. “I want to know about yours.”
“You want to know about the worst years of my life? That doesn’t seem fair,” Negan said. Lydia shrugged.
“You met me during mine,” Lydia reminded him. “Come on, tell me something, anything.” Negan looked at her, then he looked around before sighing and leaning against the railing next to him.
“You really want to know?”
“I do,” she said.
“Fine,” he said, running a hand over his stubble. “I’ll tell you about the day I met these people and then maybe you can finally see just who you are spending all your time with.”
Lydia frowned but gestured for him to go on. “I’m listening,” she said. With a heavy sign, Negan looked away from her and stared out at the sleeping community.
“They attacked first,” Negan began, “though, I suppose that doesn’t matter anymore. Alexandria was in need of food and Hilltop was willing to help as long as they took care of a problem first. You see, Maggie or Tara, or Jesus didn’t always run Hilltop, it used to be this man named Gregory. He was… He was an idiot and not capable of leading a community. He was also a coward which made him easy to control.”
“You had Hilltop giving you supplies,” Lydia guessed.
“Right,” Negan said with a nod. “When Rick, Judith’s father, found out, he offered to take down the Saviors if it meant that Hilltop would share their resources. Problem was, Gregory gave them the wrong information. He sent Rick and his people to one of my outposts, not the main factory. They killed everyone in the satellite station, most while they were sleeping.”
“Just like that? No warning?” Lydia asked.
“Just like that,” Negan said, remembering the rage he had felt when Simon had told him what happened that night. “When I found out, I sent a group of my men to take out a few of theirs. Though it didn’t matter because your friend Daryl blew them up with an RPG.” Lydia’s brow raised at that, clearly surprised. “That was the last straw and so I had to do something.”
“The ambush,” Lydia said.
“You know about that, huh?”
“Carol told me some, but not all,” she said.
“Well, Carol wasn’t there,” Negan said. “Yes, it was an ambush. I set up roadblocks a lot like the ones I used to keep you all from leaving Hilltop when I was helping your mother. We corralled them and forced them into a clearing not too far from here. They were trying to get Maggie to Hilltop, I think there was something wrong with her baby.”
“Herschel?”
“Yeah,” Negan said, casting his eyes down. “I made them get on their knees and I threatened them. To be honest I didn’t think I was going to kill more than one of them, but I was on this…high and I couldn’t stop.”
“What happened next?”
“I told Rick what was going to happen and then I killed a man named Abraham. He was close with Rosita, I think,” Negan said, remembering everything Gabriel had once told him about his victims. “It was brutal and bloody, but I couldn’t feel anything.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I couldn’t tell you, kid,” Negan said. “I have tried for so long to figure out why I was like that, but I don’t know.”
“What happened next?”
“Daryl punched me in the face,” Negan said with a humorless laugh.
“Seriously?” Negan nodded.
“I had warned them not to move and when Daryl hit me, I lost it. That’s when I killed Glenn, Maggie’s husband. I beat him until his head was nothing but brains. Right fucking in front of his sick and pregnant wife,” Negan said as he let his eyes close. “When it was happening, I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t realize what was happening, but afterwards… I knew what I had done and more importantly what I had done to her. The way she looked at me after that was as if she had already decided I was bound for Hell. Shit, I know I am, but I knew then that she wanted to be the one to send me there.”
“Why him? Why Glenn and not Daryl or the leader, Judith’s father?” Lydia asked, patient as ever. Negan thought about it for a moment thinking over everything that had happened in the last eight years or so, thinking about the way he approached scenarios. He always knew the “how”, but never the “why”?. The truth was, he never had an answer for any of it.
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I don’t think I cared enough to know, Lydia.” Negan finally turned to look at her and it took her a moment, but eventually saw the earnest look in his eyes. Negan was telling her the truth. However, that was never in doubt. It was rare when the man died, especially when it came to kids.
“What about Carl?” she asked suddenly, realizing she wasn’t going to get an answer about Maggie’s husband.
“Carl? How do you know about him?” Negan asked.
“Daryl told me when I found one of his shirts in Michonne’s house,” Lydia explained. “He was her son?”
“Stepson,” Negan clarified. “Sort of. I don’t know if Michonne and Rick ever made it official, but yes, he was Rick’s son and Judith’s older brother. Smart as hell, braver than anyone in this damn world. Carl cared about everything and more. He was someone you wanted to be around, you know? No matter the shit situation you were in, Carl fucking Grimes was there to look on the bright side,” Negan said with a small smile.
“You cared about him,” Lydia said. It wasn’t a question.
“I did,” Negan said with a frown. “That damn kid believed in me for some reason and I always threw it back in his face. Then it was too fucking late for me to do anything about it.”
“When did he die?” Lydia asked.
“Right before the war ended.”
“How?”
“Kid was saving Siddiq,” Negan said. “He was trying to help the Doc when he got bit. Carl didn’t tell anyone until it was too late, but he wrote letters to explain.”
“He wrote one to you?”
“He did, Michonne read it to me,” Negan said with a finality that didn’t have Lydia asking more questions about what the letter entailed. She figured it was something that would have to stay with Negan and Michonne alone.
“Did you get to say goodbye?”
“No,” Negan said. “Rick told me he died the day after it happened. I spoke to him that night and he never told me he was bit.”
“Seems unfair,” Lydia whispered.
“Isn’t everything?” Negan asked. Lydia looked at him for a moment before scooting closer to him and leaning into his side. Negan didn’t hesitate to pull her closer to him, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. They were both quiet for a moment before Lydia had another question.
“Do you think they would have liked me? Rick and Carl,” Lydia asked.
“Yes,” Negan said firmly. “Rick would have loved you, Carl, too. Hell, Judith loves you.”
“You’re very protective of her,” Lydia noticed.
“Yeah,” Negan said, rubbing Lydia’s arm, trying to reassure her in some way.
“Why?”
“Because her brother asked me to,” Negan said simply. Lydia sat up then, looking at him with confusion. Negan, knowing she wanted more, continued. “Before he died, Carl and I spoke briefly. I had come to Alexandria to cause chaos and I met Judith. She was so small, unable to talk at the time. Carl didn’t want me around, but I think he knew I would never hurt her. Before his father came home, Carl asked me for something.”
“What?”
“He said that no matter what happened between my people and his, he wanted my assurance that Judith would be safe. I told him I would die before something happened to that little girl. Anyone who hurts a kid deserves to die. When he died, I made a promise to myself that if she was ever in danger, I would do anything I could to keep her safe.”
“Like when you saved her when the blizzard happened,” Lydia said, remembering the story Judith had told her.
“I have always been a damn sucker,” Negan said, looking down at her. Lydia smiled as she leaned back into him.
“I’m glad you are,” Lydia said. “Or else I’d be pretty dead right about now.”
“I ain’t gonna let anyone hurt you,” Negan promised. Lydia smiled at that as she sat with the man that had become like a father to her.
“Do you think you and Maggie could ever be…decent?” Negan laughed at that, but it was more bitter than anything.
“I don’t think we could ever be civil, Lydia,” Negan said. “What I did to her cannot be fixed with a few good deeds and an apology. Nobody here cares whether I live or day besides maybe Judith.”
“And me,” Lydia corrected.
“Yeah, and you,” Negan said with a small smile as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
Lydia and Negan sat there as the words from his story settled in her mind. Lydia had known a lot about what Negan was and what he had done, but hearing what he thought about it all had offered her a new understanding about the man.
Regardless of what happened next, Lydia wasn’t going to turn her back on him. Negan had saved her life, more than once, and nothing would make her leave him behind. She knew that the council was still debating on what to do with Negan, but Lydia couldn’t think about that. He was the only person who she could fully rely on because he had met her at her lowest.
Letting out a breath, Lydia let her eyes close as she listened to his breathing. Daryl had always spoken about a chosen family and now Lydia was sure that she had chosen Negan and nothing was going to separate them. Not Maggie, not the council, and definitely not the screwed up world that had tried to take them down but failed.
They were stronger than all of it and together, they would prove it.