Chapter Text
Castiel had lived so many years; an eternity filled with empty aches.
(Something more. Something more)
So much so, he would have never imagined that humanity would feel so devastatingly free.
Since he had a conscience, he saw himself sitting on heaven, looking down and thinking how awfully complicated humans made everything. How many unnecessary issues. how much pain and mistakes they would prevent by just being practical.
But a day came and that something more felt nearer than ever.
It wore a leather jacket. And he was free and rebellious in a way Cas could have never been. That's why the devastation hit so much harder when he met him. And what he said... it made sense. Why did he have to destroy the planet he'd been looking and taking care of since forever? Because it was written? Because he had orders? Since when destroying was an angel's job? Was that what their father actually wanted?
(Something more. Something more)
He tried to stay away. Stuck with his brothers' words. They said God wanted this. That it would help make earth a better place. But the more he saw into it, the more he heard what Dean and Sam said, the less sense it had. He was an Angel of the Lord. His job was to protect humanity. Not ruin it.
Suddenly, a vein in him burst and he became. It felt right. He felt right, for the first time ever. The pieces fit. Finally.
He awoke as if the real Cas had been sleeping all along. Waiting. For freedom. For him.
Cas saw Dean and saw a self made man. Despite the flaws. He was right. He did right. And he would follow him everywhere.
A new anxious and eager Cas appeared. shattered with every human emotion felt in this angel's soul, he fought along them both. Would die for them. Time and time again. And he did. Time and time again, Cas would fight and wait for a glimpse. something that gave away. He would look at him and wait until the grin of approval came. And he would feel a rush go through him.
Cas didn't have the words to describe it at the time. Now he knew all too well.
Year after year, monster after monster, Apocalypse after Apocalypse, Cas would always wait for the approving grin. The proud nod.
But with time, he noticed. The grin was the same. The words of approval. The pats on the shoulder. They were there... Always after Sam's. And this was something that would never change.
He’d been alright with that, at first.
Now Castiel needed more than just pats.
Than just grins.
Than repetitive words of courage.
(Something more. Something more)
How can a heart break if it's non existent? How can a spirit feel if there’s nothing there? Himself wasn't made for this. Feelings. He had no soul, no heart to make them. And yet...
Dean had broken his time and time again. A miracle. A kiss with her. A look with him. And then Cas. Always last. Always the leftovers. He'd been happy with that once. But it hurt too much now.
He would never deny him anything. But Castiel needed to put space. So he did. Time and time again, he did his own thing. And time and time again, he came back.
He was doomed. Doomed by a Winchester, a human, that would never understand. Anything. Him.
Sam's crazy came down and it was his fault. All his and he had to fix it, him. He had too. Cas owed it to them. To Sam. To Dean.
After that, nothing was the same.
He had yearned for change, and he was forever changed.
Something more...