Chapter Text
It shouldn’t have been such a commotion. It really shouldn’t have been .
“Family meeting! Now!”
Amy’s voice carried throughout the whole March household, as she intended, but it’s echo wasn’t her own words but rather a collective groan. The echo, however, did little to dissuade Amy and she just crossed her arms all the tighter as John and Meg exited their room - each carrying one twin.
“What is this about, Amy?” sighed Meg, her eyes tired from the teething twins who had granted her only three hours of sleep last night.
“Kitchen.”
Amy pointed a red-tinged finger toward the kitchen, her lips pursed while Meg moved past her and John dragged a baby bouncer with two seats with his foot, both parents strapping in the babies and ensuring they had their teething toys, the crying ceasing for at least a few minutes.
While Meg and John cared for each baby, the sound of stomping was able to be heard from above before Jo, frazzled hair and scowling face, came into view.
She paused on the stairs, her lanky body awkward and angry on the steps, and glowered at Amy.
“Why are you being a little puke?”
Amy pursed her lips tighter and pointed as she had with John and Meg.
“Kitchen. Where is Laurie?”
Jo tipped her head back and groaned loudly before Laurie’s face came into view, hanging off the banister just slightly above Jo, a smile on his bright face in indication of his good mood.
“Both of you in the kitchen.”
Amy turned away from them and stalked into the kitchen, shooing Meg away from the fridge while Jo stomped down the rest of the stairs and into the kitchen, Laurie following as Jo perched on the bar stool opposite Amy.
“Thank you all for coming,” began Amy, “I have gathered you here because-”
“Marmee and Hannah aren’t here,” interrupted Jo, smirking when Amy cast an annoyed glance in Jo’s direction, “You said this was a family meeting and-”
“They are at the Hummel’s,” interjected Amy, “and they don’t need to be here because they have not committed the crime.”
“This isn’t something silly, is it?” murmured Meg and Amy scowled, her icy glare enough to make them all fall silent, even Jo softening her glare and tightening her lips.
“May I continue?” hissed Amy, raking her icy glare over all of them and receiving a collective nod, their submission making her tip her nose up importantly, “Now! I have called this meeting because a crime has been committed against me. This crime is evident through... this! ”
Slamming a single can of cranberry sauce on the counter, Amy dramatically displayed the victim of her crime for all to see. Silence followed, all glancing between Amy and the can in curiosity of her seriousness.
“ Someone had the nerve to go grocery shopping, purchase this particular can, bring it home, and place it on the shelf designated for cans and I need to know who.”
Laurie spoke up, leaning over Jo’s head and pointing his finger in the air.
“Uh...no disrespect intended because I can see this is of the utmost importance to you-” An icy glare from Amy sparking a change of thought. “-I mean! Of utmost importance to all of us because it’s obviously extremely important, evident through umm the-uh-the can...but why?”
“Why what?” responded Amy coldly, crossing her arms, and Laurie rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
“Why do you need to know who purchased that can?”
Amy scoffed, rolling her eyes as if the answer were simple, but both Meg and John shrugged their shoulders at Laurie, their ignorance regarding why making Laurie feel validated in asking.
“Because, Laurie , it’s dented!”
Spinning the can around, Amy displayed a small dent in the side of the can, the metal deformed from forces unknown, while Meg and Jo both groaned and tipped their heads back in exasperation, such a circumstance clearly not the first they’d encountered.
“Amy, I have been dealing with teething babies!” complained Meg, rubbing at her eye tiredly.
“And I have been dealing with a fully teethed but still equally irritating baby!” defended Jo, jerking her thumb over her shoulder at an offended Laurie.
“This is serious! Firstly, every single one of you knows it is my pet peeve! Why would someone pay for a damaged product when there is an undamaged product right beside it? Secondly, it could lead to botulism!”
“The USDA says it’s rare!” argued Jo and Amy scoffed.
“Rare is not equivalent to impossible, Josephine! So I want to know who purchased this can! Every single one of you has been to the grocery store in the past week in preparation for Thanksgiving so it was one of you!”
“Amy-” began Meg before she was silenced by a glare even icier than the one prior and Amy glowered at them all steadily.
“Perhaps it was Meg...who went to the store with both twins and therefore was likely distracted,” probed Amy, looking at Meg with a suspicious side eye.
“I don’t-I didn’t-I went for baby supplies and just picked up what I could remember off the list! I don’t...I don’t think I bought that,” stammered Meg, her face growing red in her anxiety, and Amy tsked.
“Think is hard to believe, Margaret. It seems your memory was failing you that day. Or perhaps it was John! John who rushed to the store in search of diapers but was asked to take the list to save gas! Mind full of the fact Meg was so distraught that she had forgotten to buy diapers three days prior and had a diaperless baby in her arms. Mind so tired...tired...tired,” probed Amy, switching targets, but John only shook his head.
“The receipt is in my pocket,” responded John swiftly, turning and stuffing his hand in his jacket resting on the couch before presenting the crumpled receipt, “I didn’t walk down the canned aisle.”
Scanning the receipt, Amy’s eyes found no cranberries and she nodded at John.
“Your alibi holds true. You’re free to go, John.”
“What?!” shrieked Jo, but John just smiled and kissed Meg’s cheek.
“I’ll be having a nap, Margaret.”
Meg whined, watching her husband with sad eyes as he moved away from her, before looking to Amy as a caged animal might.
“You have to believe me, Amy, I never purchased that can! I-please, let me go nap! I didn’t buy it!”
“We’ll see,” determined Amy, Meg whimpering when Amy looked at Jo, her gaze stern, “Perhaps the culprit was Josephine who was so angry when she had to get groceries. What did you say before you left, Jo? Something along the lines of ‘fine, but don’t expect me to do it well’? You were so angry that John was working, Laurie was indisposed, and Meg and I were bathing the twins so you had to buy the groceries. Perhaps in your anger you didn’t even look at the can, just tossed it in.”
“That’s ridiculous!” scoffed Jo, picking at her nail uncomfortably.
“Or perhaps it was Laurie!” added Amy, pointing at him with hands in his pockets as if he were hiding, “Perhaps it was Laurie because, god, he’s Laurie.”
“What?” whined Laurie sadly, “What does that mean?”
Amy scoffed, leaning her hands on the counter.
“Laurie, the amount of basic life skills you lack is appalling.”
“I can grocery shop!” defended Laurie, crossing his arms and scowling at Amy.
“Really? Because last time you didn’t know the difference between brussel sprouts and bok choy and you were confused by the very basic math associated with the sign that said white onions were two dollars and fifteen cents per pound.”
“That confused you?” mused Jo, looking up at Laurie in good humor, and Laurie frowned.
“I wasn’t confused,” grumbled Laurie, “I just thought it was stupid because why not just make onions two dollars and fifteen cents each?”
“Because some onions are bigger than others! That’s just the way fresh produce works!” scoffed Amy, “Or how about the fact you didn’t know that whites and colors should be separated? That the floor had to be vacuumed and it wasn’t just, as you assumed, ‘always clean’? That the garbage truck requires that the bin be placed out for pickup and that they wouldn’t just ‘do it for you’?”
“You really don’t know these things?” asked Meg in sympathy, looking at Laurie like he had just lost a winning lottery ticket to the wind, and Laurie pouted.
“Imagine being fucking rich,” laughed Jo, “Your privilege is showing, Teddy.”
“I knew them in theory! I just don’t understand the vacuuming! If my socks are clean, then the carpet shouldn’t get dirty!”
“Oh, you poor thing all alone in that house,” soothed Meg before Amy snapped her fingers.
“We have lost focus of what is actually important here,” she redirected, gesturing to the can on display again, “Would anyone like to confess to the purchasing of this can?”
“I really didn’t do it, Amy! I wouldn’t aggravate your pet peeve like that. You know me,” cooed Meg, trying to appeal to Amy’s better side.
“Sure, I was mad, but I’m not a fucking idiot - unlike others that have been mentioned,” added Jo, jerking her eyes over to Laurie who frowned and turned away, “so, as I recall, I purchased three items for Thanksgiving. Two boxes of stuffing, as evident on the top shelf of that cupboard, and one cabbage because Meg says we have to have vegetables which I think is utter bullshit.”
“Can anyone corroborate that?”
“Uhhh...the store clerk?” offered Jo and Amy shook her head.
“I fail to be convinced, Josephine. Your anger has blinded your better judgement before. Remember when I almost drowned ?”
“Not this again,” sighed Laurie, moving to sit on the stool beside Jo.
“Come on, let that go already!” complained Jo, “You didn’t nearly drown! Laurie pulled you out right away and you spun around the house declaring him your hero for fucking weeks!”
“Aww, really?” cooed Laurie, looking up at Amy with a smug grin and she glowered.
“Do you offer any defense, Laurie?”
“I uhhh well...it wasn’t me because...because...I bought bread! Yeah!”
“What?” scoffed Amy and Laurie shrugged.
“That’s all I remember buying down that aisle.”
“You poor boy...all alone in that big, big house,” soothed Meg again, clicking her tongue and shaking her head in pity.
“What? That’s a legitimate defense!” defended Laurie, looking at Meg with wide eyes and Meg shook her head some more.
“Bread isn’t located down the canned aisle, Laurie, so that seems like an attempt to cover up what aisle you were really walking down” elucidated Amy, gaining Laurie’s shocked gaze and Jo sighed.
“I think we all know who did it.”
“I didn’t!” claimed Laurie, glaring at Jo but Jo just raised her eyebrows.
“Can we disband and leave this useless part of society to your wrath?” asked Jo, turning to Amy, but Laurie shook his head vehemently.
“I didn’t buy that can!”
“It’ll be okay soon enough, Laurie, dear,” soothed Meg, stroking the waves of his hair, “Just grit your teeth and it’ll be over quick as a bunny.”
“It wasn’t me! This is a failed justice system!” cried Laurie, his voice cracking in his desperation while he flung his head between all three March sisters, but Amy shook her head.
“Both of my sisters would know better, Laurie, and your alibi was easily the weakest. Prove it wasn’t you and you walk a free man...but you seem to be a very guilty one.”
“Best of luck, Teddy,” offered Jo, clapping a hand on Laurie’s shoulder, “Take it like a good chap! I’ll be in the attic if anyone needs me!”
“And I’ll be napping!” sang Meg, both women heading toward the door.
“Nobody is going anywhere!” called Laurie, his finger pointed at Meg and Jo while his gaze remained fixated on Amy, her eyebrow twitching in confusion when he smirked, “No one is going anywhere because I know exactly who purchased this can.”
“How?” whined Jo, spinning back around when Laurie’s epiphany kept her from her attic haven, and Amy squinted at him.
“Yeah, Laurie... how? ”
“A simple miscalculation of everyone present,” hummed Laurie, cockily grinning and gesturing for Jo and Meg to return to the seats on either side of him.
Meg and Jo both returned, shoulders slumped.
“What do you mean?” asked Amy, leaning on the counter with her elbows.
“You said that Marmee and Hannah didn’t need to be present for such a meeting because they couldn’t possibly have committed the crime. I agree. Therefore they should be the only family members not considered. However, we only considered Meg, John, Jo, and myself.”
Jo looked between Laurie and Amy in interest, a smile poking at the corner of her mouth, and Amy suddenly scoffed.
“You aren’t actually suggesting that I bought this can, are you? Me? The one who hates it? Laurie, I promise it’s not as great a punishment as you think. It’s okay that you-”
“ We didn’t consider ,” interrupted Laurie loudly, “that perhaps it was Amy March herself who purchased that can.”
“Laurie…” sighed Amy, tilting her head.
“He has a point. In all situations like this, Amy never tosses her name into the hat,” added Jo, the smile spreading from the corner of her mouth to the middle of it.
“It’s so true!” laughed Meg.
“It wasn’t me,” declared Amy haughtily.
“I would believe you,” sighed Laurie condescendingly, “except...you were the one who made the most recent grocery store run and I distinctly remember seeing the list you took with you. Jo, if you wouldn’t mind, may I have the notepad and a pencil?”
“This is ridiculous!” scoffed Amy, shifting uncomfortably, but Jo rushed happily to snatch the notepad and pencil, handing it to Laurie.
“Thank you, Jo,” hummed Laurie, running the pencil gently over the paper to highlight the words that had been written above.
Grocery List
Toothpaste
Yogurt
Apples
Juice
Shampoo
Pasta (preferably spaghetti)
Cranberry Sauce
Mascara
Potatoes
Oranges
“No fucking way,” breathed Jo, scanning the list, and Amy gasped, wringing her hands uncomfortably.
“That isn’t-I didn’t-you don’t have proof that I took that list!”
“Actually, I remember you had to buy the groceries because Marmee was annoyed that you finished off the potatoes meant for Thanksgiving so you could make those fancy, healthy chips!” declared Jo happily, her eyes alight with thrill.
“They are healthy!” defended Amy, her face turning pink.
“I also know, for a fact , that you save your receipts as well. You tuck them inside that massive wallet of yours and every couple months or so you dump them all out on the counter and throw them out.”
“I’ll grab her wallet!” offered Jo excitedly, rushing to Amy’s purse.
“Wait! Jo!” cried Amy and Laurie gasped mockingly.
“Is that not okay, Amy? If you’re innocent, there should be nothing to hide…”
“Don’t be an asshole,” whined Amy, watching as Jo handed Laurie Amy’s wallet and whimpering when he unzipped it, pulling out the contents.
“Why is there a condom in here, young lady?!” gasped Meg, holding up the little blue packet and Amy rolled her eyes.
“I’m twenty-two, Meg! I’m allowed a condom in my wallet!”
“Oh, right,” murmured Meg, Laurie snatching the condom with a frown before pulling a small receipt from the depths of the stuffed wallet.
“A receipt from three days ago,” declared Laurie, scanning the length of it while Jo and Meg peered over his shoulder, before he circled one item with the pencil and held the receipt up for Amy to see with a twinkle in his eye, “Proof that one Amy Laurence purchased a can of cranberries!”
Placing the notepad and receipt in front of Amy, Laurie sighed, his hands clasped in front of him as he looked up at her.
“You see...perhaps it was Amy who was the culprit. Perhaps it was Amy because I remember seeing that list when I came up behind you to kiss your neck and try and convince you to come to bed with me.”
“Oh, I didn’t need to know that,” whispered Meg awkwardly while Jo gagged.
“Perhaps it was Amy who, as I recall, whined and said that she wanted to ‘so badly’ but she had to go to the store because Marmee was upset she finished off the potatoes meant for Thanksgiving. Perhaps it was Amy who said ‘don’t worry, babe, I’ll go as quick as I can; wait for me in our bed’.”
“It was Amy who committed the crime!” squealed Jo, hopping onto her knees to laugh down at a flushed Amy, “and now she can never again act so hoity toity about purchases made in this household! Score one for…”
Jo paused, attempting to think, before pumping her fist in the air.
“-everyone who isn’t Amy!”
“Fine...it would seem that it was me who,” Amy murmured her words, directing them into her shoulder, “bought the dented can.”
“Case closed! I’ll be in the attic adding this to my latest book!”
Jo cackled, hopping from the stool, and Meg clicked her tongue sympathetically, her mouth turned down in pity toward the embarrassed culprit but her eyes happy she could finally join John - if only for a few minutes.
Laurie stood up, inhaling deeply as he curved his lithe body around the counter and stood near her, the two of them alone in the kitchen.
“It’ll be okay soon enough. Just grit your teeth and it’ll be over quick as a bunny,” mocked Laurie, smirking, but Amy just batted her eyelashes, looking up at him through them and biting her lip, her one hand running up his chest and over his shoulder to pull his lips closer to hers while her other rested on his belt teasingly.
“What if, my sweet, my love, my everything...we just let one mistake go and spend our afternoon together in our bed?”
Her voice sickly sweet, Amy watched as Laurie’s eyes darkened with want, his eyes flicking to her lips before he seemed to catch himself, closing his eyes and shaking the heady spell she was attempting to cast before grabbing her hand away from his belt and smirking.
“I don’t think so. You were going to let me take the fall!”
“You appeared guilty, Laurie! Your defense was weak and your lack of abilities regarding how normal people live is concerning! Would you blame me for-”
“Yes! You humiliated me in front of everyone, my most beloved wife, and now you will pay the price for what was your fault all along!”
“What’s the price then?” huffed Amy, trying to pout in a last attempt to win Laurie’s good graces, but Laurie just spun around, walking casually to the door to the kitchen.
“No shopping at Target for a week. I took your card.”
“ Laurie! That’s too harsh!” cried Amy, “They are having a two-for-one sale on candles!”
“I love you, my sweet, my love, my everything,” called Laurie from the door to the kitchen, stepping into the hallway as Amy called out.
“I’ll give you sex! Sex everyday for a-a-a week!”
“You do that anyway, my lady. Your sex drive is higher than mine. The rule stands: no Target. The lack of shopping will remind you not to purchase damaged goods.”
“You’re damaged goods!” shrieked Amy angrily, her eyebrows pointed downward and her lips frowning but Laurie just laughed, walking down the hallway as he called back to her.
“That’s not what you were screaming last night!”
Amy, now alone, felt hot and a stir of emotions in her stomach as she turned back to the kitchen, stomping her foot as if she were her twelve year old self again.
She scanned the room, wanting to throw the biggest temper tantrum known to man, and her eyes landed on the can, dented and mocking her.
“Fuck!” Amy, leaning against the counter, considered Laurie’s terms again. “Damn that boy! And of course he has to be the most determined son of a...it’s from being cooped up alone for some long! Of course he has more self-discipline.”
Amy picked up the can and scanned it’s surface, considering whether she ought to buy a new one, and her reflection stared back at her from where the label had peeled away.
There was no pity from it either. Her reflection knew the rules: no Target for a week.