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Natsuo never forgets and he doesn’t forgive. But he doesn’t tell either. And he doesn't know if that is the right choice some days . He ran away at the first chance he got. Turned his back on the people he loved, for the chance to be free and he can’t say he regrets it. The house that he had lived in for so long was unbearable to be in. Sometimes it felt like he could just smell burning flesh long after the stench had been cleared from the air, and hear cries and screams. The floors and wall infused with the voices of the young crying out for help for someone or something, help they would never get.
“I don’t know if I can do this any more Natsuo.” Touya was sitting on the floor next to Natuso crying “I really don’t know if I can.'' They would do this sometimes late at night, unpack all of their worst feelings to each other in the dark quietly.
“Someone will help us, Touya, someone has to know.” Natsuo didn’t know if he believed that or if he was just saying that to make Touya feel better.
“I don’t think they will Natsu.”
Natsuo was never the angriest, that always was Touya. Touya who screamed and cried and felt everything to an extreme degree but Touya was also kinder than him. Sometime when he felt angry he couldn’t tell if he was like Touya or if he was like his father. Sometimes anger would rise in chest and he would snap at one of his friends and he would sound just like his father angry and dismissive and he would be sent back in time.
Natsuo and Fuyumi were sitting in one of the closets of one of the many rooms that all looked the same, they were sitting and they were hiding. Hiding from the father yelling and screaming at their older brother Touya who was screaming back. he was yelling just if not more loud then their father and while they were yelling two kid sat in a closet and they waited
“Yumi.” Natsuo whispered to his sister
“Yeah Natsu.” Fuyumi's response was just as quiet.
“I don’t ever want to be angry.” He wanted to promise that he would never be angry but promises were scary and they often were broken and he didn’t want to make a promise just to break it.
“I don’t know Natsu. I think it’s okay to be angry sometimes.”
His father was trying to get better. He was trying to be better. And Natuso wanted to punch him in the face. He wanted to hurt him, hurt him for thinking that he had the right to decide to be better now instead of when it mattered. When Touya was still around. He hated how he thought he had the right to just say that he was going to get better without proving that he was really going to try.
He hated how his father got to just try to be better when he already had everything he had wanted. He hated how his father just got away without any consequences, he was the number one hero and he had abused his children. How funny is that?
Natauo doesn’t blame Fuyumi for forgiving their father, he can’t understand how she is able to, but he doesn’t blame her. Fuyumi was always the best of them, always the kindest, always the one they could rely on. She kept him together on his worst days and for that he will always be thankful.
He knows that he cannot make the choice to forgive or not for her and that it is entirely her choice, but he wants to scream at her that their father doesn’t deserve her forgiveness. Doesn’t deserve for her to say that she forgives him. But of course she would forgive because she always forgives. She forgave him when he left and turned his back on her and Shouto and she forgave when he would scream at her that he hated her, she always forgave and he has no idea how. He could never forgive as easily as her and he doesn’t think he wants to.
“Im sorry Yumi, for yelling at you. It wasn’t your fault.” He was looking down at his feet, he couldn’t bear to look up at her.
“It’s okay Natsu, I know you didn’t mean it. Do you want to help me cook?” She didn’t look angry at all; she just smiled at him.
“Okay” and he smiled back.
Some days he doesn’t know how Fuyumi did it, how she kept herself and him alive. She taught him how to survive and he knows that he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. He also doesn’t know how she still lives in that house. He wouldn’t blame her if one day she left. He had no right to blame her, he had left and so had everyone else. Shouto, Touya, Mom they all left too and most would never come back.
“Are you sure this is the college you want to go to? It’s pretty far away. Fuyumi looked down at the letter of acceptance in her hands and then back up to Natsuo.
“Yeah, it is pretty far away but it’s one of the best colleges in Japan.” He knows that no matter what he does that Fuyumi will always support him but he still wants her opinion.
“I know that it’s one of the best but you also got into one of best colleges in Musutafu, and if you go there you can stay at home.” Natsuo looks down at his feet he doesn’t want to have to tell her but he does
“I don’t want to live at home.” he says quickly without looking up from his feet
“Oh. That’s okay.”
Fuyumi was better than him and he was okay with that. He was okay with being the ‘unreasonable’ one, the angry one. The one who never forgave. He was ok with being like his father if it meant that he got to be like Touya.
Touya, Natsuo thought, was always the closest to their father, angry and loud and unafraid to speak his mind. But Touya was also so like their mom, both in how he looked and acted. He might have expressed lots of emotions but most he kept to himself locked deep inside him until the kettle boiled over and Touya couldn’t stand it anymore.
He doesn’t blame Touya or Mom for not being able to stand it, he blames his father for pushing and pushing and pushing so far that they couldn’t stand it anymore. He blames his father for making him have to witness the aftermath of those falls. For making him sit in the wreckage of those fires and try to pick up the pieces.
He blames his father for Shouto. For how he talks and how he acts and everything about. All of Shouto’s problems are because of his father. Shouto doesn’t understand how the world works and he doesn’t understand that he has options. Sometimes Natsuo doesn’t know if Shouto really wants to be a hero or if just never had any other choice.
Natsuo knows that he should have done more for Shouto than he had, he hated him when they were young. He blamed him at times for all that went wrong. Sometimes at his worst he wondered why Shouto just didn’t try harder, be better, if he was better than father would be happy and everything would be okay. He knew that his father went too far too many times, Touya always told him, but when he was young he didn’t understand the horrors of what Shouto went through.
Natsuo saw Shouto once in the few months following the kettle incident. Their father was off saving the day again and Touya had decided that they were going to spend the day together.
“Where are you going Touya?” He looked up from his brother getting up.
“I’m going to go get Shouto from the other wing.” He stared at his brother thinking of the last time he had seen Shouto. It was right after the incident and he could see his brother scream and clutching at his eye.
“Are you sure he’s going to want to hang out with us?” Fuyumi said what he had been thinking, who knows what Shouto wanted to do. If he was Shouto he wouldn’t want to do anything.
“I don’t know.” And with that Touya left the room. When he got back he was being followed by a little kid that Natsuo hadn’t seen months. Shouto had a large white bandage over one of his eyes and if you looked at the other it looked like he had been crying.
He tried to be nice and ignore it all “Hi Shouto.”
Natsuo had only ever told two people about his father and what he did. Those two people were his best friend in highschool and his girlfriend.
He told his best friend when they were out late at night drinking on his friend's roof. They were both underage and he had no idea how his friend got the alcohol but he gladly drank it. It burned his throat but he kept drinking. They were talking and then he talked too much and said too much and suddenly his friend was looking at him like had said that the world was going to explode in ten minutes.
But he just kept talking and he talked about the screams and the cries and smell of burning meat and he told hours spent in closets hiding where no one could hurt him and then his friend told him to stop, told him that he had to stop and so he did. And the next morning they talked and talked and he told him everything again and his friend believed him.
“Endeavor is the number two hero” He looked up at his friend and nodded
“Yeah” The boy turned away from him
“Are you okay with that?” Natsuo thought for a bit
“I don’t know.”
He told his girlfriend less by accident. He was woken up by a nightmare one night and she was there to comfort him when she asked about it, he told her. He told her about the dream and he told her about Touya and he told her how he missed him so much and yet the child who haunted his dreams was some shell of Touya. Over time he told her more and more about his childhood, told of days he had never shared with anyone else and was glad that she was there to listen. He told her about his regret with his family, with Shouto and Fuyumi and Touya and his mom and she listened.
“I just left them behind, I turned my back on them.” It was late at night and they were sitting on the couch
“You got out of a bad situation, no one can blame you for wanting to leave” She turned to look at him and she smiled softly “It’s not like your siblings are angry at you for living.” He looks down at his cup of tea and he thinks
“They aren’t but I should have done more.”
Natsuo is going to do more in the future. He’s going to help people and he’s going to try to make new relationships and repair old ones. Even if he can’t forgive his father he can still spend time with his family. He can get to know Shouto and he can catch up with his mom and he can thank Fuyumi for all she did for him and even if Touya isn’t there he can still remember him. Natsuo is going to try to do more and that with doing more for himself.