Archive of Our Own

It had been six long agonising months of not even a word from Penelope. Well that’s not completely true, she would like the stuff he tagged her in on social media and would send short confirmation texts. But they no longer had lengthy conversations and jokes over messages whilst he was away and, quite frankly, it was driving Colin insane. His last resort was to send her an email about something he saw in a gallery that he thought she might be interested in, hoping she would take the bait and respond. But sadly, he had no luck, his inbox remaining empty apart from junk. He knew it was all because of that stupid moment back at the country house after Benedict’s wedding. He had sent her a text apologising and she’d responded saying there was nothing to forgive and he had wanted to believe her. But he knew she was just being nice, she was always too nice for her own good, and the feeling of turmoil and dread in Colin’s stomach contradicted her words. This awful feeling was just further sustained when Penelope no longer engaged with him much anymore. Hell, he had no idea what was going on in her life right now, there was just complete utter radio silence from her end whenever Colin reached out. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to blame her, he had hurt her after all. His words were still heavy as he carried them around like extra luggage he needed to check in at the airport. 

Since the wedding, he had even been home a lot more for short weekend visits. Even though this was to see and spend more time with his family, a result from Anthony’s brutally honest conversation with him after the wedding, deep down Colin was hoping it would mean he would cross paths with the redhead he had been seeking. However, every single time he was back she seemed to be busy with work or with a family thing she just “couldn’t get out of”. Most of the time he heard these excuses from Eloise who, having delivered them with a noncommittal shrug, was oblivious to Colin’s upheaval and the hurt he’d caused her best friend. 

However, Colin was hoping that his luck was finally going to change. He currently stood in the kitchen of the Bridgerton Ski Chalet in Val Thorens, France, tucking into a cheese platter the chalet staff had prepared for their arrival. Ski holiday trips had been a staple as part of their family since they were little children, they always made sure to try and go out at least once a year, but that slowly stopped as they grew up. The chalet would still be used, each sibling coming out and using it with their own friends instead, but it had been a long time since they had all been out there together. Which is why it was not a surprise that Hyacinth, the pro skier of their family, had requested that they spent her seventeenth birthday out there all together. Originally it threw a spanner in the works he had for his current route of travel and had said he might not be able to make it, which caused an uproar from his family. This clamour then escalated further when he later confirmed he wouldn’t be able to make it as there were no connecting trains available for those dates. However, what they didn’t know was Colin fully planned on being there but he wanted to surprise them, keeping his presence a secret. If that meant that there was a higher chance of Penelope being there, thinking he was going to be absent, then so be it. He was desperate to see her and be in her company again, his inner monologue telling him it was just because he wanted to make things right between them. 

Not surprisingly, Colin was the first one to arrive, as he was only on the other side in Italy as part of his travels, and knew that the family hire cars would be arriving soon with the rest of the Bridgerton clang, honorary members included. Which worked out for his plan to surprise them all brilliantly, his luggage already up in his claimed guest bedroom with the biggest ensuite that they usually all fight over. Their system of first come first served finally working in his favour. 

He was just about to head to the living room to put the telly on when he heard the two cars pull up outside, the tires crunching through the fresh snow that was falling. He looked out the large open window that captured the landscape like a photograph, the large mountains and village looked like something from a scenic painting, as the snow started to fall with abundance. He was glad that they had made it safely to the house, giving it a few more hours the snow would probably have been too heavy to be outside, and watched as Anthony argued with Kate over the directions and how long it had taken them to get there. The only missing family member was their mother, who had decided to stay home and look after her two grandchildren, allowing Daphne and Simon to come along and have a mini break away. 

Colin maneuvered to the door, wanting to be the first thing they see as soon as the door opens. Which was only a few seconds when Hyacinth appeared, flinging the door open with way more aggression than needed. They were all struggling with their suitcases on the terrain and trying to shuffle through the door, banging their boots on the welcome mat, before anyone even bothered to look up and see him. 

“Colin!” Hyacinth screamed and dropped her suitcase, which blocked Anthony’s path and nearly made him trip over, and ran straight into Colin’s open arms. 

He gripped his youngest sister, lifting her off of the ground and spun her around. 

“Hey there birthday girl,” he lowered her after a final squeeze before greeting the rest of his family. 

Anthony had gripped him and reprimanded him for saying he wasn’t going to make it but then thanked him for actually being there. Colin had just given his brother a sheepish grin and stated “of course, I wasn’t going to miss my favourite little sister’s birthday,” which led to a whack from Eloise followed by an insistent “I’m your favourite!” from Daphne. Nothing brought him more joy than teasing his sisters. 

Nothing, expect the sight of Penelope Featherington bundled up in a large dark green puffer coat, snowflakes clinging to the flaming tendrils of hair that framed her face. Her cheeks were rosy from the cold, making a nice change from the blush that usually caused the burst of colour, and it spread to the very tip of her small nose. She had a cream fluffy scarf wrapped up around her neck that covered her lips from his view, he wondered if they had changed colour from the chill as well, which meant he couldn’t tell if she was smiling or not at the sight of him. He did see her eyes widen for a moment though, shocked to see him there, before they recovered. He held back his frown as he realised she looked tired, with dark circles under her eyes, and it felt like there was a lot more behind it than just simple jet lag. 

“Colin, I didn’t know you would be here?” as she spoke her mouth appeared from behind the scarf, a light natural rouge painted her lips that stood out against the cream. 

“I’m sorry to disappoint,” he joked, knowing if he’d made that joke months ago she would have chuckled heartily but now was only met with a slight upturn of her lips. 

It pained him that there was this dynamic shift between them. All he wanted was to pull her into his arms and give her a welcoming hug like they use too. Before he could say much more, Eloise came and grabbed the hand of her best friend and pulled her away from him. 

“Come on, Pen, we need to go choose our rooms before the good ones are gone!” She spoke with a lot more tenderness than she usually would, a comforting hand rubbing the redhead’s back as he watched them walk away. 

Something didn’t feel right, he was definitely missing something. She couldn’t still be that upset with him, could she? At least not enough that she barely talks or even looks at him. And does this mean Eloise knows? But surely if she did, she would have ripped him in two by now, his sister has never been one to hold back when it came to a good scolding. 

He headed back to the kitchen, and to the cheese platter that was still calling out to him, his mind elsewhere. It was all probably just in his head, him overthinking everything since he last physically saw Penelope all those months ago. His stomach still dropped and churned as he re-lived her small little ‘Oh!’ at his stupid exclamation. He was not going to waste his chance over the next few days to have a proper conversation with her, and with the snow currently falling like a heavy blanket outside, there was nowhere for her to run away to. He hated himself for feeling like he was trying to trap a skittish deer on the run, but he couldn’t go on with this unknown animosity between them. And if he really knew her as well as he thought he did, then she must be feeling the same way. 

It had been a few hours since their arrival, and Penelope had still done no more than just glance his way. She hadn’t even helped herself to the food on his plate that he had offered to her, Pen being the only one he would share food with. But she then happily accepted a slice of chocolate brownie that Benedict had given her, teared away from his own piece. She’d interact with him when they were all in a group of course, no one else seeming to even notice what was going on. It wasn’t until that moment that Colin realised he would have usually found himself next to her, revelling in her presence as she’d whisper a private joke just for him, both of them gravitating towards each other without realising. But instead, she was now across the group from him, sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen island which he was stuck on the other side of. They’d all started drinking, Benedict acting as if he owned his own cocktail bar as he mixed some fruity drinks for them all. He made a large pinky orange concoction with an over the top umbrella stuck in it and handed it off to the birthday girl, which she took far too happily. 

“Oh hell no!” Anthony intercepted, taking the drink off of Hyacinth and glaring at Benedict.

“Come on Anthony, it’s my birthday!” Hyacinth pouted, immediately putting on her perfect puppy eyes that her big brother always struggled to say no to. 

“You’re only seventeen!” 

“I’ve barely put any alcohol in it, it’s mostly fruit juice, she’ll be fine,” Benedict laughed, taking the drink back and handing it back to her before saying pointedly, “Pace yourself.” 

“Besides, wasn’t it you Anthony who got too drunk at sixteen and ended up throwing up on mum’s favourite rug,” Colin sang to stir the pot, earning a glare from his brother. 

“Yes… which is exactly why I’m being cautious now, learn from my mistakes dear siblings,” he shook his head like a dog as if he was trying to wipe the memory from his mind, “If she ends up throwing up I’m not the one holding her hair back!” 

“No need to worry about that, we’ve got the magic scrunchie,” Eloise nudged Penelope’s shoulder with her own, prompting the other girl to raise her hand and show the bright pink scrunchie on her wrist. 

Colin couldn’t stop the frown that took over his eyebrows, them feeling like they were being pulled down by invisible strings controlled by another person. That was not the magic scrunchie. Well, it wasn’t the magic scrunchie that he had last seen and had on his wrist whilst he absent mindedly played with it. It was not the same neon green that he had imagined trying to contain unruly red locks as the young girl in his mind spun away around a dance floor. 

 “I thought the magic scrunchie was green?” he asked. 

“I got a new one,” she shrugged in his direction, “felt like a change.” 

Their short exchange got interrupted by her phone ringing, the ringtone playing out loud which was unusual in itself as she preferred to have it on silent, making the whole group succumb in silence. She got out her phone and excused herself from the room, he heard her small voice get further away as she answered. He turned back to all of his siblings and their partners in confusion as they all shared knowing looks. He was definitely missing something. 

“What’s going on?” 

“You don’t know?” Eloise frowned in confusion, “I thought she would have told you. Or that you would have at least read about it in Whistledown.” 

That confirmed to him that Eloise still definitely didn’t know what had happened. She must have still thought they talked often, having their usual catch ups and check ins whilst he was away travelling. He shook his head at the mention of Lady Whistledown’s column as well, never bothering with the gossip of society whilst he was out of town.

“Pen’s dad had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago,” Anthony was the one to supply the information, his voice back to his serious fatherly tone, “it’s not looking good.” 

“They don’t think he’ll last much longer,” Benedict added to the sudden somber mood. 

Colin felt lost for words, unsure on what to say, he had clearly missed out on much more than he thought he would. The fact she hadn’t even spoken to him about it broke something inside him that he hadn’t even realised was there. He looked to the doorway that the redhead had just escaped through, wanting to go after her and make sure she was okay, but he used all the self restraint he had to stop himself.

“That is why we must distract her, make sure she is feeling love and supported,” Eloise stared pointedly at her siblings, as if they wouldn’t have done that anyway, “She’s feeling very confused and lost about the whole thing.” 

The girl in question then wandered back into the room, all of them involuntarily staring at her. She was so lost in her own mind, her teeth grazing her bottom lip anxiously, that she hadn’t even noticed the dozen pairs of eyes following her movements as she sat back down on the stool she had left. All what Colin wanted to do was wrap her up and tell her everything was going to be ok but he stayed glued to the spot, knowing her response would probably not be so welcoming. He truly hated himself in that moment, he’d been so self centered that he hadn’t even properly considered that something else could have been happening in her life. He wasn’t naive enough that it meant he was completely forgiven by her, but he also knew the last thing she needed right in that moment was everyone in the room to be staring at her in pity. 

His sister must have had the same idea, as before he could even move, she’d looped her arm with the redhead’s and shuffled them both out of the room. It wasn’t long until all of them followed, settling into the front room, and looking out as the sunset in the background. The warm hues of the sky made the shadows dance in the room, the snow creating patterns that were wholly unique and left all of them in awe. It hadn’t gone his notice that Penelope was also in a state on contentmentness, as she was nestled between Eloise and Benedict, who had Sophie sat with her legs over him, on the large cream cushioned sofa. He couldn’t squash the feeling that etched inside of him that made him want to join them, to jokingly go and nudge his brother up so he could take place beside Penelope and his sister.

“As beautiful as this moment is, let’s go back to the reason we are really here for,” Hyacinth disturbed the peace and raised what was left of her drink in the air, “celebrating me!” 

She downed the rest of the drink, the other Bridgerton’s cheering and doing the same, apart from Anthony who reprimanded the youngest sibling and took the empty glass away from her. 

The group fell into stories about Hyacinth and what a terror she had been when she was little, and how she never really grew out of it. Even Penelope inputted her own story about little Hyacinth and how she had forced her to play tea parties with her for over four hours one evening when she had really come round to see Eloise. 

With that the night seemed to kick off and follow down the path of their usual gatherings, though not with as much vigorous drinking as usual as they hoped to catch the slopes tomorrow if the snow let up. They all stayed together, yet seemed to break off into their own little groups. The speaker system that Benedict had installed for his graduation party years ago was playing the family playlist, so no one could argue over whose music was better. The playlist included such a range of music that Colin couldn’t help but marvel at the range of his family, it somehow capturing all of their tastes. One minute an eighties classic would play, followed by some musical theatre and next some Taylor Swift. 

Colin was currently sitting next to Daphne as she filled him in on his nieces, Amelia and Belinda. Amelia had just had her very first ballet recital and he couldn’t stop grinning at the video Daphne, who was also beaming with pride, was showing him. The little girl, who was a spitting image of his sister, in a bright pink tutu spun around in the spotlight, though not completely in time with the others but the joy radiating from her was all that mattered. 

He stood up to go and get another drink from the kitchen. Before he was even aware of what he was doing his eyes scanned the crowd for a certain redhead, he just wanted to make sure that she was alright. Everyone else was still in the room, all caught up in their own moments. Eloise was spinning Hyacinth round to the cringey noughties tune that was playing, Francesca filming them on her phone for her huge social media following (and to send to Eloise’s girlfriend Margery, who couldn’t make it due to work: “Marg’ told me to make sure I was showering ‘Cinth with the attention she deserves, so I need to send evidence that I’m keeping up my promise!”). Benedict and Sophie were still sitting cuddled up on the sofa, laughing at the younger girls in their element. Whilst Anthony and Kate were trying to teach Greg how to play cards, his poker face still showed his every thought no matter how he tried to control it. 

But there was no Penelope in sight. 

He frowned, his legs running on automatic taking him into the kitchen, though no longer intent on getting another drink. His mind purely focused on finding Penelope but was disappointed when the kitchen came up empty. He next wandered past the downstairs bathroom but the door was left open and the light turned off. So he stood at the bottom of the stairs and stared up at them, a nervousness taking over him as the temptation of her being up there too strong. He really wanted to check on her, especially with what she was going through, but what if she just pushed him away? But this was Penelope he was talking - thinking - about, any uncertainty he felt about their friendship was tiny in comparison to her well being. 

Colin’s feet took the stairs two steps at a time, his stride carrying him purposefully to her chosen room for the trip, trying to ignore the fact that it was the room just across from his. As he approached he realised the door was open slightly, her voice carrying out as she ended a phone call, the broken edge to it that he hadn’t been prepared for reaching him. He didn’t even bother to knock, the concern for her forgoing any manners, before opening the door. 

There she was, sat on the bed with her back towards him, her head hanging low. Her shoulders were shaking in time with the sound of her sniffing as she tried to contain her tears, making a wave of sorrow wash over him. He realised he kept seeing Penelope being crushed far too often, even unintentionally by himself, the cruelty of the world seeming to aim for the girl as if she had a target painted on her back. 

“Penelope?” He whispered, as if the volume of his tone would shatter the girl further. 

She turned towards him at the sound of his voice. He prepared himself for her to apply her usual mask again in his presence, no longer feeling comfortable as she once did, to hide her vulnerability from him. But instead she turned her body towards him more fully, her hand moved closer to him as it held her up on the soft mattress, her lip quivering and her eyes flowing like waterfalls. 

“He’s gone.” 

She sounded so small, even smaller than the little ‘Oh!’ she had emitted all those months ago. The urge to go to her and just hold her in his arms was overwhelming - so that’s exactly what he did. 

He’d rounded the bed, immediately sitting down next to her, so close that their thighs were touching. Then he wrapped his arms around her and a deep sigh of relief escaped him that he didn’t know he was holding when she came willingly into his hold. She burrowed her head under his chin, using his shoulder as a pillow, the smell of her coconut and strawberry shampoo filling his senses. Her own shoulders stopped shaking, as if his embrace was keeping them glued together, but her sniffles kept coming with ampleness. They stayed like that for a couple of moments, which really felt like no time at all, revelling in the empathy of each other’s company. The petite hand that had been grasping the front of his t-shirt was removed and used to wipe the snotty nose in question, halting the noise as she calmed and he lightly rubbed her side with the back of his knuckles. He turned his head slightly, the new angle meaning his lips brushed against her temple leaving a whisper of a kiss that he was too afraid to press. 

“Pen.” 

She pulled away from him, the absence of her warmth in his arms immediately patent, and furiously wiped the tears away from her cheeks, “I’m sorry.” 

He frowned, what on earth was she apologising for? 

“I mean, it’s not like I was close to him. The last time I saw him, before you know , had been Benedict’s and Sophie’s wedding…” she trailed off as if reliving the memories, “But he was still my dad.” 

Colin nodded in response, showing he was trying to understand, bringing his arm forward to brush her hair over her shoulder to allow himself a better view of her face. He might not be able to fully comprehend Penelope’s complicated relationship with her family, maybe he never will, but he did know what it was like to lose a parent unexpectedly. 

He watched as she reached up to her unruly red hair, the usual half up and half down hair do in place, and felt around the small bun there blindly. Once she found what she was looking for, lost amongst the locks, she pulled and the rest of her hair flowed down around her. Colin had to forcibly drag his eyes away from the ethereal sight of her, realising he had never seen all of her hair down before, and focused on the medium size hair pin that now sat in her palm. She brushed her fingers over it, the multicoloured stones standing out against the stark whiteness of her skin, and he realised it formed the shape of a butterfly. 

“He bought this for me. I was only eight at the time and I pretended I was sick at school, wanting to go home as Rebecca Laney had pulled on my hair at break time. I was so upset. Mum hadn’t answered the school’s phone calls so they had phoned him instead, he was so mad that he had to leave work and that he’d have to take me back with him. On the way, we walked past the shops and I saw this in the window,” he leant forward at her words, trying to capture a better view of the hair pin, “I instantly fell in love with it.” 

He finally drew his eyes away from the pin and up to her. Despite the tears staining her face, there was a small smile gracing her lips as she shared the memory with him. He knew then that she had never shared this with anyone, almost as if it was a kept secret, until now. 

“He’d taken me up to the office and I just sat there reading quietly all day, staying out of everyone’s way and just keeping to myself. That night when I was tucked in bed he came in to see me and told me he knew that something at school had upset me, though I hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Then he thanked me for being so well behaved at the office and gifted me this butterfly pin, I’ve treasured it ever since.” 

Now that he thought about it, he’d rarely seen a time where Penelope didn’t have it pinning back at least a small section of her hair. 

“It’s probably stupid keeping it after all this time,” she tried to shrug it off as if it wasn’t important, “He probably didn’t even remember it himself.” 

“If it means something to you then of course you’d keep it,” his voice sounding husky after it had been silent during her story, “And I’m sure he did.” 

Her blue eyes finally met his green ones at his reassurance. It looked like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, getting out what she needed to without even realising it. 

He nudged slightly away from her so he could reach into his back pocket and pulled out his old worn leather wallet. It had been a gift from Anthony when he turned eighteen and even though it was now nearly threadbare and discoloured, he could never bring himself to part from it. He could sense her eyes following his movements, wondering what he was doing, when he pulled out a small piece of paper that looked like a slightly discoloured, worn around the edges, aged business card. He brushed his thumbs over it for a moment before handing it to her and she inspected it with curiosity. 

“It’s your fathers?” she spoke, reading Mr Edmund Bridgerton on the card underneath the well known ‘Bridgerton Blue Solicitors’ logo. 

He nodded mutely before turning the card over in her hands, her mouth forming the perfect circle as she saw the writing and doodles there. It was a small game of Hangman at the back, the word to be guessed was only four letters and had been solved as an E-G-G-S filled the lines, and the small doodle of the hanging man only half completed. It had only taken a few guesses obviously, the word being so short and having two letters the same, but he saw her smile anyway at its simplicity.  

“He had taken me for a morning hike, he always tried to make sure he had time for all of us individually, and then we stopped at this american style diner for food. I was moaning as we waited, starving as ever,” he chuckled, “so to distract me he decided we’d play a game of hangman. It didn’t really work though as the word he had me guessing was still food related. It ended up being the last time we spent alone together before he passed.” 

His voice rasped at the end of his words, still fresh in his mind even though it was over sixteen years ago now. She didn’t move from her spot, though he felt her urge to reach out to him and take hold of his hand come off her in waves, and for that he was grateful. This wasn’t about her comforting him, this was about sharing a piece of himself with her that he had never with anyone else, to give her some piece of mind and let her know she wasn’t alone. Especially as she had just done the same for him. 

“I’ve kept this with me ever since. It’s always felt like I’ve had a piece of him with me, a physical reminder of that moment to make it last. It felt so insignificant at the time, but now...” 

She nodded and then they finally made eye contact, an instant shared between them that reminded them both they weren’t alone. Penelope pulled her eyes away first and down at the card in her hand, her fingers tracing the lettering of the unfamiliar handwriting to her. 

“So, eggs are the solution to everything huh?” the corner of her mouth turned up in a teasing manner and he chuckled in slight wonderment at how she was the one who managed to uplift the tone after everything.

He didn’t know why he was surprised she’d remembered the comment he made in the kitchen the night before Benedict’s wedding, Penelope had always been extremely attentive. Though he’d always felt a little silly over this comfort eggs gave him, sharing this with her just felt right. It didn’t matter how long it had been and what had transpired between now and then. However, the queasy feeling returned in his stomach, as that also meant she would have remembered the other words he had said that weekend. 

“Thank you, for sharing that with me.” 

She handed the card back to him gently, her cautiousness warmed him, now that she knew how important it was to him. He thanked her, and their fingers brushed in the process. He held his breath, wary that she would flinch and pull back like she did the last time he saw her, but instead she didn’t react at all. Her own hands went back to the butterfly hair pin that had fallen into her lap, brushing the gemstones one last time, before fidgeting and putting it into her jean pocket for safe keeping. 

“Pen?” Eloise’s voices interrupted their moment, startling them both slightly. 

They both turned to the brunette standing in the doorway, her eyes solely focused on her best friend. He watched as they had a silent conversation, their facial expressions doing all the talking, before Eloise came round the bed and ferociously hugged Penelope. He went to stand, wanting to give the two clear soul sisters a moment together, but stopped at the sound of Pen’s voice and the movements of her standing as well. 

“I’ll be okay,” he watched as she squeezed Eloise’s hand, the two following him to the door, “You said being here would be the perfect distraction, right? So let's go celebrate the birthday girl.” 

Though her words sounded confident and bright, her tone was soft and wavering with an emotional tiredness. Eloise grinned brightly, proud of her best friend and the resolve she had, wrapping her arms around Penelope’s shoulders to guide her back down the stairs. 

When they had headed downstairs, Penelope wasn’t surprised to see that the other Bridgerton’s had set up the living room with the blow up mattresses, duvets and pillows in front of the large TV screen for a classic Bridgerton film night. It was a tradition they always did on the first night at the ski lodge whenever they would visit and, doing it now with the new additions of the Bridgerton Spouses, made it feel more homely than ever. Everyone settled into their usual positions, a force of habit that was adjusted just slightly to allow room for Kate and Sophie, with Penelope and Eloise cozying down onto the cushioned mattress next to the sofa closest to the wall and fireplace. They’d always chosen that spot when they were younger, finding it just the right amount of farness away from the others that they could talk and giggle privately during the film without annoying everyone else. 

The sofa behind her, that was supporting her back as she sat up right for the beginning of the film, dipped with weight that caused her to turn. There she saw Colin settling down, spreading his legs out as he lounged, and plumping up the cushions behind him. It wasn’t his usual spot, his regular position being next to Benedict that now went to Sophie, but it looked like he didn’t even think twice about it before setting up there for the night, nearly right beside her. He caught her eye and gave her his usual lopsided cheeky grin, the one that used to make her heart run wild and stomach flutter free from it’s net, but this time it just brought her a sense of comfort and ease. 

Penelope wasn’t going to lie, the last few months since Benedict’s and Sophie’s wedding had not been easy for her. After Colin’s outcrying admission, she swore that she was going to move on from her unrequited feelings for the third Bridgerton brother. If she did say so herself, she was doing a pretty amazing job so far. She was actually going out on dates and having fun. They were all nice and interested in her and for the first time she wasn’t worried about what they thought of her. She threw herself into her work as well, she’d finally been promoted to her own cubicle, and she loved the hustle and bustle of the city and late night office hours. Yes, she did start using these as excuses to not see Colin when he was home or the reason why she had gotten rubbish at responding to his messages. But she just couldn’t have that immediate contact anymore, at least not just yet, she needed to take time to herself and she was grateful she did. But seeing him here now, being awashed with his presence, made her feel guilty at the way she had been avoiding him like the plague. She had forgotten, or more like insistently not thought about, how charming he was, how at ease he seemed to make people feel about themselves. His own sense of person and confidence able to soothe a person in a way like no other. Which is exactly what had happened upstairs when they opened up to one another. 

Her heart fluttered as she remembered the way he had held her in his arms. But she wouldn’t allow herself to dwell on it because that’s not who she was anymore, she couldn’t allow herself to fall back down that road with a dead end. 

Though her eyes stayed on the motions of the screen in front of her, her focus was completely elsewhere. She couldn’t help but think of home and how they were coping right now. But they had been prepared for it, her father had been in the hospital since the heart attack, he never did fully come back around. She and Felicity had sat there for the first week by his side, not wanting to part from him if he did wake up properly. But he hadn’t. The stress her mother was under meant she was more hostile than usual, her words having a sharper bite as if she just didn’t know what else to do with herself. The entire situation was draining enough without it, so when Eloise had insisted that she still come on this trip with them all it wasn’t that hard to convince her.  

Her mother still had Prudence and Philipa by her side, so she wasn’t needed (which her mother had no problems with reminding her). She would be back in time to assist with the funeral though and that was what was important, though this feeling of guilt wouldn’t seem to subside.

“So,” Colin whispered, catching her attention, “Where’s Felicity?” 

Her eye’s refocused into the room, as if her small bubble of contemplation had been burst. The screen that was lighting up the room and creating shadows now played a completely different film than earlier. She hadn’t realised she had zoned out for so long. 

“Oh, she’s on a school trip this weekend, it was compulsory for her German class, otherwise she would have come.” 

Without having Felicity back at home it meant she would have absolutely no one to lean on, and she wouldn’t have been able to cope with it. Which meant accepting Eloise’s insistence that she came on the trip was an even easier decision than she would care to admit. 

“How come you didn’t want to stay at home?” His voice was low, not wanting to draw attention from the film, and she could tell he had shifted on the sofa to face her as the sound of his breath was closer now.

“I’d much rather be going through this time of hardship surrounded by love and support.” The honesty that came out of her mouth shocked her. “Besides, El’ was right and said it would be the perfect distraction.” 

She finally turned her head to the left and looked at him. He was laying down on his side, not even pretending he was watching the film, his eyes solely focused on her. His head was propped onto a pillow, and as she was ratherlower on the floor, she had to look up at him slightly. At the sight of his body being relaxed she felt her own muscles loosen and sink into the cushions surrounding her and Eloise. 

He nodded, taking the cue to change the topic of conversation, “And how’s work?” 

“Oh my god, you won’t believe it,” she spoke for the first time with some glee of gossip, “Mr Twombley is dating Cressida Cowper.” 

“No fucking way,” he exclaimed in shock, forgetting to keep to whispers at the news, “He’s got to have at least twenty years plus on her.” 

“Mhm,” she affirmed with a twinkle in her eye at the sight of him being flabbergasted. 

“Not that it’s surprising I suppose, she’s always been one willing to dig for gold.” 

“Colin!” she scolded but there was no heart behind it, a giggle escaping her throat which seemed to bring a soft smile to his lips. 

It was no secret that Cressida was one of her personal tormentors. So her now dating Penelope’s boss was definitely life altering for her, especially as the scornful woman now came to the office at least once a week, always going out of her way to stop by Penelope’s desk. 

She looked down at Eloise, who was fully laying down now, her mouth open and drooling as she slumbered. The snoring would start soon most probably, Penelope chuckled to herself. Her blue eyes then darted around the room, finding that the rest of the Bridgerton’s were all in a similar position, the day of travelling finally knocking them all out. It was the first time she’d ever been in a room full of Bridgerton’s without a riot happening. It also meant that her and Colin were the only ones still awake. 

With that in mind, she settled down even further and pulled a large knitted blanket up over her and Eloise, turning her body so that she faced Colin fully.  

His gaze had been watching her movements and when she had fully made herself comfortable she met his eyes with her own. He smiled so warmly at her that she couldn’t help but smile back, he had always been infectious that way. Her heart constricted as she finally realised how much she had really missed him. 

“We haven’t had the chance to talk about you yet, how have you been?” She asked. 

“Oh you know, same old same old,” he began to shrug though he wasn’t committed to it, “I’ve been in Italy for the last few weeks.” 

“Italy?” She knew he had been in Italy, he’d mentioned it in an email he had sent her that she never got round to, or rather purposefully avoided, responding to. 

“It’s so beautiful, I might stay there for a while.” 

She wanted to say that she had always desired to visit Italy, it was on the top of her travel list, as she never had the chance to go when she was younger. Her family often chose the Hawaiian Islands for their annual family holiday instead, much to her fair complexion’s chagrin. But she stopped herself from saying this, as knowing Colin he would instantly suggest that she should come out and visit. Not necessarily because he wanted her to but because he is just that kind, and knowing herself she wouldn’t have been able to say no either. 

“You’ve been home a lot more recently?” She knew he had been, not just from Eloise telling her, but from the few messages he would send her whilst she was back (which she was ashamed to now admit she had promptly avoided those as well). 

“Yeah…” he let out a sigh of annoyance and resignation. 

“And that’s a bad thing?” she asked, raising one of her eyebrows. 

“No of course not, I love spending time with my family,” he ran a hand through his hair in exasperation, “it’s just they think I’m restless travelling country to country. When the truth is…” 

She felt herself leaning forward as he spoke, not wanting to miss a word of it, as he turned to lay on his back and looked up at the ceiling as if it made it easier to look away from her to speak honestly. 

“... the truth is I feel more restless at home.” 

The words hung in the air around them for a few moments as she tried to process what it was he was saying. She was struggling to fathom what he actually meant. She knew he loved travelling, but she had never considered that the reason he liked it so much was because he felt so uneasy at home? 

When she hadn’t responded he turned back to her seeing the look of discern on her face. 

“It’s just everyone has their own thing,” he went on to explain, “Anthony has the business, Benedict is an artist, Daphne is a mum and has her parent podcast, El’ has just got her first job as a journalist… and I’ve got nothing.” 

Penelope’s eyes snapped sharply to his own at his statement. She couldn’t believe what he was saying. He’s got nothing? That couldn’t be further from the truth. He was one of the most admired men in their society, he was kind and always going out of his way to help others, he was travelling the world and broadening his horizons in ways many only dreamed of. The Penelope from six months ago wouldn’t have told him this directly, she would have skirted around the edges to please him. But she wasn’t that Penelope anymore, she was no longer too afraid to tell him directly just in case she upset his feelings. If they were going to just be friends, then she could just be herself. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Colin. You haven’t got nothing.” 

“Okay, not nothing ,” he backtracked at the sound of her tone, “I’m just not good at anything.” 

She let out a sigh of exasperation and rolled her eyes, knowing that he was watching her. She couldn’t stop herself from remembering that night he drove her home from that house party almost four years ago. How he had expressed similar frustrations with his life and how he felt like he was doing nothing with it, which was why he had then decided to go travelling. The whole point of him going was to try out new things, see what the world had to offer, and she knew he could do a lot more than he probably realised himself. He had become an amazing cook, if the look of his instagram stories were to go by, as well as dabbling at photography with his friend, Matt, a professional photographer that he often travels with. 

“Penelope Featherington, did you just sigh annoyingly at me?” his tone of voice taking a playful tilt that only seemed to irk her further. 

“Not annoyingly, just frustratingly. You need to stop comparing yourself to everyone else, Colin. There are plenty of things you are good at!” 

“Oh yeah, like what?” 

She faltered for a moment, knowing he was fishing for compliments and deciding if she was going to give in to him. But one look at his unguarded facial expression made her realise he was being honest with how he felt, and he had every right to those feelings. He was being open with her and for that she couldn’t reprimand him. 

“That email you sent me,” she was hesitant to bring it up, as it highlighted how she had chosen to not respond to it, “about the painting of Aphrodite in that gallery you visited. Oh Colin, the way you wrote about it, the description you used, it felt like I was right there beside you. I could tell that you enjoyed writing it as well, it shone out in each sentence with each word you chose to use. You can write , Colin.” 

She could still envision it in her mind, the email he had sent her was a lengthy one but it was beautiful. It was one of the first things he had sent her that hadn’t involved an apology about what he had said, clearly hoping they could go back to their usual correspondence that they used to have. She had wanted to respond, and she planned to, but then life got away from her. Deep down, she knew that it was an excuse, the truth was Penelope didn’t respond because she needed her space. 

She hadn’t realised she had looked away from him as she spoke, until the fevrourity of his green eyes finally caught her attention and regarded her with sincerity. They stayed stuck in that moment, her heart beat in her ears counting the seconds, one of them needing to break the silence that stretched around them. 

“You’re overthinking it too much,” her voice was much softer than before, “You don’t need to have one big life ambition, you can do as much or as little as you want. You just need to do what makes you happy, whether that is carrying on travelling or staying in one spot, you need to do what’s best for you. You have to take control because, at the end of the day, when you look back at your life, doing whatever makes you happy is all that matters.” 

It was something that had been playing on her mind a lot recently, considering everything that had gone on with her father. He had only been fifty six which was so young compared to the usual life expectancy. She couldn’t help but think about how unhappy with his life he had seemed. He never particularly enjoyed his job, he was only in it for the money, and her parents marriage was never a loving one. She remembered hearing them argue late into the night when she was just a child, how distant they were with each other and even at times cold. But, despite all of those things, they had still stayed together just out of familiarity. It was the exact opposite of what Penelope desired for herself and she’d made an oath to her life that she would only do what makes her happy. And she realised that spending time with Colin Bridgerton like this, be it just as friends, made her happy. She had been a fool trying to give it up. 

“How do you do that?” The wonder in his voice brought back her attention. 

“Do what?” 

“See the bigger picture, whilst all I can see is what’s right in front of me.” 

This time it was her that was stunned into silence. All she wanted to do was laugh at the irony of his words because she had been right in front of him for all these years, yet she was still so far out of his sight. 

“So... you did read my email then?” It sounded like he had wanted to tease her but instead it came out slightly flat. 

She swallowed, “Yes, I’m sorry I didn’t respond.” She didn’t even bother trying to justify why she hadn’t, it would feel like she would be lying to him and that was something she couldn’t do. 

“No, Pen, I’m sorry.” 

Penelope knew what he was referring to and she held her breath, looking down at her hands fidgeting in her lap. Her bottom lip started to feel plump as she bit down lightly on it. She wasn’t prepared for this, for him to actually apologise to her face. She hoped that he had forgotten about it and moved on. Of course she could tell things weren’t the same between them, but that was her own fault as she had deliberately separated her life from his. It had obviously played on Colin’s mind more than she had ever thought it would. 

“I never should have said what I did, whether you were standing there or not.”

“It’s okay, you were hungover and your brother’s were winding you up.” She tried to deflect with a casual shrug, her eyes darting to his like the speed of light before landing back on her hands.

“There’s no excuses, Penelope. I hurt your feelings and for that I am sorry.” 

She knew that he thought he had upset her for the infliction of his words and how he had said them. She knew he had never meant her any disrespect in that way, Colin would never be so cruel. But she also wasn’t ready to tell him the truth: that he had broken her heart by clearly indicating her feelings would never be returned in that way. It was better this way, they can move on from this now and become friends. 

Movement to her left finally made her look up and she watched as Colin fidgeted around, digging his hand into his loose fit jogging bottom’s pocket as if searching for treasure. From there he pulled out a small piece of chocolate brownie that she recognised as the same one Benedict and her had shared earlier. 

He handed the brownie towards her as a peace offering, “Please forgive me?” 

“Have you had that in there the whole time?” She chuckled heartily for what felt like the first time forever. 

He nodded like a cheeky child and she couldn’t stop the blush that painted her cheeks again. It was just so Colin . She had wondered where the last of the brownies had gone earlier, she should have just suspected him from the start. 

“You’re forgiven.” 

Penelope took the brownie from him and shoved the whole thing in her mouth, it was only bite size after all - no point wasting time, and groaned as the gooey middle and chocolate chunks melted on her tongue. 

“That good, huh?” Colin smirked. 

“Mhm,” she tried to respond with her mouth still full. 

The sound caused the girl next to her to stir in sleep and roll towards her, wrapping an arm around the plumper girl’s middle for a cuddle, making Penelope freeze in fear of waking her. Once Eloise had settled and showed no sign of actually awaking, Penelope let out a fond sigh and snuggled down a little further so both of them would be much more comfortable. She turned back to Colin who was trying to contain his laughter. 

“You know I never thought my sister would be much of a cuddler.” 

“You’re laughing now but the snoring will start soon.” 

That got him to quickly shut up and she smiled playfully. Both of them settled into a comfortable silence together, their focus back onto the film that neither of them had paid attention to this whole time. 

“Penelope, we’re friends right?” 

The question seemed out of the blue but the use of her full name told her that this was important to him. 

And for the first time in her life, she was completely content with her answer: “Yes, of course.” 

It wasn’t long until Penelope was fast asleep, protected in her best friends arms, leaving Colin the last one awake out of the whole group. The film had finished and he was left staring up at the ceiling in the darkness, his mind reflecting on the evening that had just passed. 

He had been wandering all over the world for the last four years, yet Penelope had stayed in one place all that time and still had a better perspective on life than he did. Her presence beside him, since he had seeked after her earlier, had been a welcome one and truly hit home just how much he had missed her. Though he still felt a little unsure of what to do next with his life, he finally knew with certainty that, after these last six months, he had taken Penelope Featherington for granted and would never do so again.