Chapter Text
PROLOGUE
Pale.
“Zhanzhan, what has gotten into you? You never used to be like this .”
Bland.
“Get your grades up right this instant or I will disown you!”
Burns.
“Look, Xiao Zhan. Please, please give up the alcohol. You didn’t pass your thesis a few weeks ago. You might not graduate this year if you keep it up.”
Cold condensation falls from the mug he holds. It mocks him for his weaknesses. Encourages him to have another drink to flood the crevasses inside him.
Xiao Zhan does not feel a thing.
He simply doesn’t care anymore.
He hides in the crowds of night life in the streets. He sits himself in front of the bar, orders the usual, and chugs it down in less than five minutes. The bartenders keep the beer coming. Xiao Zhan empties each mug.
When the bars close and the sun peeks from the horizon, Xiao Zhan tries his best to get back to his college dorm. He is a feather, light on his feet, flying towards the sky full of songs. A fleeting headache makes his head throb, but he does not care. He grasps at nonexistent memories of flight and keeps them in his pocket until he reaches his bed and the ocean’s heaviness settles. It drowns him and leaves him plastered to his bed until he wakes once again to repeat the cycle. The pain does not bother Xiao Zhan anymore. It has become a friend he looks forward to meeting after sunset, a secret yet cherished companion.
In high school, teachers have continuously taught him of the dangers of alcohol. It is poison , they say with scrunched foreheads and pointed eyes. Yet, when dark falls, Xiao Zhan sees them in the market drinking themselves into a drunken stupor. At that time, he couldn’t understand how his teachers drank the very thing that will kill them eventually.
When he gets to college, Xiao Zhan’s perception of alcohol changes. With every party and meeting his father ropes him into, he sees how alcohol is used to create connections. Five glasses of beer, and even the most introverted politician becomes a spluttering mess. Xiao Zhan finds the chaos and drama that ensues the only thing entertaining in these formal occasions.
Alcohol is a tool , Xiao Zhan realizes. He uses it to be included in social circles. He uses it to soften hearts and make friends who can accept him for who he is. He uses it to create a heaven away from the hell at home.
It is a heaven where Xiao Zhan can never be controlled. A heaven where he can do what he wants without his father breathing down his neck.
Xiao Zhan doesn’t know when he started to regard alcohol like his teachers. He doesn’t know when he had started to view it as a poison he’d willingly take, a river that’ll take him to eternal darkness.
Perhaps it was during the time when his father found out he was gay. Maybe it was when he saw the look of disappointment on his mother’s face when he told her he wants to change his degree from Political Science to Theatre Arts. Or, maybe it was when his father utilized his gender to engage him to the son of his most powerful ally, Xiao Zhan’s best friend.
A nagging feeling at the back of his mind tells him it started way before those events, when his father first started to think he was a successor that will continue his dreams into the future.
Since birth, then.
Xiao Zhan chugs on his beer and finishes his second mug. Fridays are particularly busy for bars because it is the last day of work or school. Rowdy youngsters fresh into legal age occupy the tables. Weary adults take their place around the bar. Jazz musicians perform sweet, brassy notes onstage. The world around him is lively. He wishes that is also the case inside him.
“Another beer there, Harvard boy?” asks one of the bartenders. Had Xiao Zhan forgotten to change out of his uniform? Well, no matter. He gives the bartender a grunt and hangs his head low, avoiding any potential contact with the people around him.
A light thud startles him out of his thoughts. Xiao Zhan looks up and sees a tall glass filled with what seems to be beer. However, there are two colors in the drink: a golden yellow at the bottom, and a dark brown to almost black on top. His eyes rise higher and see that grin of a rather young bartender. He wears a white shirt instead of the long-sleeved button-ups that the other bartenders wear.
“Are you old enough to be a bartender?” is the first thing that comes out of Xiao Zhan’s mouth. He slaps his hands to his mouth immediately, instantly ashamed of how rude he is.
The bartender scoffs. “Yes, I am. I may be young, but I can assure you I know what I’m doing, gege .” He shot a pointed glare at Xiao Zhan, which makes Xiao Zhan cower.
Xiao Zhan attempts to change the subject. He points to the tall glass. “This isn’t my order. I only ordered beer.”
“I know. I spiced it up for you,” The bartender grins. He looks like a child presenting his work to his parents. “I noticed you kept drinking stout beer, so I mixed in another to make your drink more exciting.”
Xiao Zhan looks at the drink. Then, at the bartender. “I am not drinking to excite myself.”
The bartender crosses his arms and pouts. Cute . “Gege, alcohol is one of the finer things in life that you should start appreciating .”
Xiao Zhan shrugs. “Well, that’s the way I do it. Alcohol is poison. Why appreciate it when it’ll kill you soon?”
“Alcohol is
not
poison.” The bartender huffs. “Alcohol has the
potential
to be poison, if you drink without control. It’s just like with any substance we consume. Why turn that potential to something bad when you can make it
good
?”
Xiao Zhan chuckles humourlessly. “Sorry, but no thanks.”
“C’mon, gege, just give this a try!” The bartender pushes the glass towards Xiao Zhan. “On the house. Then, I’ll make you another one to push the point.”
Xiao Zhan is very skeptical about this. The bartender looks like he’s saying more than he can chew. However, Xiao Zhan has nowhere else to be tonight, and he definitely does not want to go home to an empty room.
“Fine,” grits Xiao Zhan. “I’ll try it.”
“Make sure to drink it slowly. The good part starts when the two beers start to mix. I’ll serve the other customers first, then come back to you once you’re done with your drink.” The bartender says before he goes to the more crowded part of the bar. Xiao Zhan does as he says, siping on the tall glass and watching the circus around him.
Xiao Zhan is used to the taste of stout. Although he’d rather drink sweeter concoctions, he has an acquired taste for it. He takes deliberate sips of the drink until he reaches about halfway of the glass. There, he notices the evident change in flavor. The stout beer starts to show hints of light caramel flowering through its full accent. Xiao Zhan has never had beer this away. He is impressed .
He downs the rest of the drink and waves towards the bartenders in the other side of the room. The bartender who gave him the drink earlier saunters towards him, a smug grin on his face and a martini glass filled with dark gold liquid in his right hand.
“So,” the bartender starts as he reaches Xiao Zhan. “How did your experience of half and half go?”
“I didn’t know mixing beers was that good,” Xiao Zhan tries to tone down his amazement lest he adds fuel to the bartender’s smugness. Somehow, he wants to tease him. “Okay, I’m paying attention now.”
“Good,” the bartender nods. He looks proud. “This is your next drink. It’s called Fox River.” He slides the martini glass carefully towards Xiao Zhan then leans forward. “I want to watch your reaction.”
Xiao Zhan takes the glass by the neck and smells the drink. While raising a brow at the bartender, he takes a sip of a drink. His eyes widen at the taste.
“ Wow ,” gasps Xiao Zhan as he sets down the glass. “That is rich. A bit sweet, too, and a hint of spice.”
“Right?” The bartender flashes him a smile. “There’s bourbon in there coupled with cacao. Perfect with steaks.”
“Mm, I can imagine it already .” This is the first time Xiao Zhan has ever felt excitement in months. He remembers how much he missed the feeling of his quick heartbeat in his chest. “This drink is very sultry.”
“So, have I convinced you now of alcohol’s wonders?” The bartender chuckles. “Alcohol isn’t poison. It’s a flowing river of possibilities. It’ll take your imagination to places.”
The bartender embodies the passion of youth. Xiao Zhan can tell how much this young bartender loves alcohol. He wonders if he’ll be as passionate as this bartender one day. Maybe he should take the bartender’s advice and turn whatever he can claim as his potential into something good. Maybe, one day, he will find passion, too. But, for now, he lets the bittersweet combination of the drink wash down his self hatred down his throat.
Maybe just for today, he can believe .
“What’s your name?” Xiao Zhan blurts out just as another bartender comes and talks to the young bartender. They talk in hushed whispers until the young bartender nods his head.
“I have to go,” he tells Xiao Zhan, the other’s question going unanswered. “Enjoy your drink. I hope you can see alcohol as a pleasure of life, rather than a tool for suicide.” He winks at Xiao Zhan, which makes the other laugh, and leaves him to his own devices.
Xiao Zhan sips on his drink slowly, thoughts occupied by his drink and that peculiar bartender. Suddenly, tomorrow doesn’t look so bad.