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The very first time it happens, Buck is just confused. Or, at least he thinks he is, because it all happens in one of those adrenaline-filled, emotional moments his job so often brings.
The 118 got called to a burning barber shop - some chemical reaction of hair bleach and other materials, paired with a bit of bad luck has set the backroom on fire. All customers and employees are safe, just some mild chemical burns and a few bumps and bruises. The only one who hasn’t made it out yet is the owner’s dog, and Buck doesn’t even need to hear the man’s desperate cries and pleas to ‘save his baby’ for him to make the decision to rush in.
The others are already working on extinguishing the fire, but there is still a lot of smoke inside. The fumes of the chemicals are burning in his eyes and nose as he makes it through the shop as fast as he can, past the burning pile of towels and hair product, into the office. He can already hear the dog bark and whine, so at least the little pup is still alive. Holding his breath - he really should have gotten his gas mask for this, but it was in the truck - he kicks down the door. There are fewer fumes here, and he bends down, taking a breath of mostly clean air and squinting into the room. The doggy is under the desk, a tiny little, very obviously scared thing that doesn’t shy away from Buck as he reaches down to pick it up. He quickly hides it under his jacket, takes another breath and rushes out.
“Celeste! Celeste!” the owner shouts and comes running towards them, taking the whining but very much alive dog up and hugging it to his chest. “My god, my baby. I thought I’d lost you.”
“She should be fine. Better get her checked out at the vet, though.”
The man nods, still crying but smiling now, and Buck can’t help but smile too. Whether it’s a person or a pet, these reunions are always heart-warming to watch. They’re the reason he does that job. The genuine gratitude of the people he saved, even though he doesn’t always get it, is one more reason to stay in this risky line of work.
Sometimes, the way people thank him can get awkward. What happens next, though, is not something Buck has expected.
The guy is so exuberant with joy that he wraps one arm around Buck’s shoulder. It’s probably more an accident than actually intended - Buck was just about to turn his head and look toward his team - when the guy presses a big fat smooch to Buck’s mouth. Buck just freezes for a second there, eyes wide as the man’s lips are on his. Faster than his brain can even fully process everything, the guy draws away again.
“Oh shit, sorry. I was aiming for your cheek.”
There’s some laughter in the background, and Buck joins in with an awkward chuckle. “Um… that’s okay,” he tells the guy because he doesn’t want him to feel bad. It’s not like it was the first kiss he’s ever gotten from someone he’s saved, though, so far, it had always been women.
As the guy turns and goes to join his team, Buck turns to look at his own. He sees Hen first, smirking at him with raised brows, while Chim next to her is grinning and giving him a thumbs up. Then he sees Eddie, but Eddie isn’t grinning, he’s wearing a more unreadable look. Surprised, for sure, but there’s something else there, too. Maybe he just doesn’t want to take the piss out of him, Buck concludes and already wants to shrug it off.
Suddenly, however, there’s another thought in his head, and he has no idea where it even came from. It’s still fuzzy, nothing he could write down or say out loud as a complete and coherent sentence. But it’s there, something about what it would have felt like if not some random dude but Eddie had been the first guy ever to kiss Buck. No matter how much he tries, he can’t shake that thought now, and he’s grateful for the soot on his face hiding that he’s most definitely blushing.
He avoids eye-contact with Eddie for a while after this until he can convince himself that there’s nothing unusual to that thought. That, if it had to happen, he’d rather have his best friend be the one to kiss him than some random stranger. He’s mostly forgotten all about it by the time they all sit down to have dinner together, and he’s definitely not looking at Eddie’s lips on the rim of his glass, wondering what they would have felt like against his own.
~*~
The second time is definitely different. Not some big and exciting rescue run but very much the opposite of it.
They’ve spent a quiet evening at Eddie’s, both of them tired after an extra long and exhausting shift. They’ve been sitting on the couch, Christopher between them, as they watched Jumanji . At some point, however, both Buck and Eddie must have fallen asleep.
It takes Buck a few moments to even register where he is when he slowly wakes up again. Before he opens his eyes, he feels a weight against his shoulder and side. Slowly, he blinks his eyes open, realising that the room is significantly darker now, the TV turned off, only a small lamp giving off enough light for him to make out his surroundings.
What Buck definitely is surprised by is seeing that the body leaning against his own isn’t Christopher but actually his dad. Asleep as well, Eddie’s head is resting against Buck’s shoulder, mouth slightly open, and Buck has to hold back the chuckle that wants to come over his lips as he now feels rather than sees the small spot of drool on his shirt. He just mouths ‘eww’, but hasn’t got the heart to wake Eddie. Not yet, at least.
So Christopher really went and got himself to bed, Buck thinks as he takes in his surroundings some more. The remote is lying on the coffee table. The lights, all but that one small lamp, switched off. Just their glasses are still standing on the table, but the empty ice cream box with the three spoons is gone as well. He’s really growing up, getting more and more independent, Buck thinks and feels a sense of pride that he doesn’t know he should be feeling. After all, this is Christopher’s dad’s achievement and not his.
He looks back at Eddie who’s still sleeping against his side, and he wonders how and when that happened. There was significantly more space between them last time he was awake. He definitely doesn’t mind that there isn’t any now. The warmth of Eddie’s body next to him, the very faint sounds of his breathing, the way his features are completely relaxed… It’s nice, and for a very short moment, Buck feels the urge to just lean in a little more closely, wrap his arm around Eddie’s middle and go back to sleep.
For an equally short and very suddenly appearing moment, he wants to press a kiss to the top of Eddie’s head. It comes almost as a bit of a shock, his heart suddenly beating faster, and it’s enough to sober him up and make him fully wake up.
He pushes the thought away for the moment and decides to go check on Christopher after all. Carefully and very slowly, he pushes against Eddie’s side to make him lean away from Buck. Then, he takes a pillow and sticks it underneath Eddie’s head, hoping he won’t slide down and wake up from it with the lack of support now. It seems to hold.
Quietly, Buck walks over to Christopher’s room. The door is ajar, and he just opens it a little more, peeking inside. The kid is lying on his bed, fast asleep, and Buck stands there for a little while, watching him, feeling that pride in him again, that love for the boy.
He wishes it could be like this every night, but Eddie has Ana now, and Buck doesn’t even want to dwell on the thought for too long, because then he’d have to ask himself how and why he even sees her as an obstacle to any of this. He and Eddie are friends, nothing has changed there, and he hopes it never will.
~*~
Things do change, however, and it’s the third time Buck has some thoughts about Eddie that he hasn’t had before - at least consciously.
Eddie and Ana broke it off, and Buck still has no idea why. Something about them both not ‘feeling it’ and realizing they’re not suited for each other after all. Eddie mentioned this more in passing than with any real impact, and he doesn’t seem broken up about it, so that’s a good thing. What probably isn’t such a good thing and makes Buck a shitty friend is the fact that his first thought, his very first impulse at getting the news, was to feel relieved.
He feels guilty about it, and he tries to make up for it by taking both Eddie and Christopher out on a fun day to the Aquarium of the Pacific . They could have gone to the one on Santa Monica Pier, which is closer, but Buck doesn’t want to stir bad memories in Christopher, and frankly, not himself either.
They’re having a great time there, watching the many kinds of fish and other sea creatures. Of course, as pretty much all kids, Christopher is most fascinated by the sharks in the big tank, and both Eddie and Buck tell him how they saved that tiger shark one time and helped it get released back into the ocean.
It’s pretty crowded in front of the tank, which almost feels strange now, the first time after the pandemic. People still have to wear masks indoors, but other than that, life is almost back to normal, and Buck is so grateful for it, for Christopher most of all. He steps back a little and makes room for other kids who want to marvel at the sharks, slowly cruising through the water.
“That’s a lovely family you got there,” he hears a female voice next to him and turns to see the smiling eyes of an older, white-haired woman. It’s not the first time people have assumed this, and it’s not the first time either that Buck doesn’t bother to correct them.
“Thank you,” he says instead.
“My granddaughter has CP as well,” the woman continues, making a small waving motion with her hand as if to explain what prompted her to start the conversation.
“Oh, how old is she?”
“Eight.” The smile fades from her features as the deep wrinkles around her eyes relax. “I used to come here with her quite often, but she… She had it. Covid. She’s recovering but still in hospital. So I promised to take a few videos for her now that the aquarium is re-opened.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. That must have been rough for you.”
“It was, but she’s definitely on the mend and should be back on her feet in a few weeks,” the lady explains. Then she holds up her phone and unlocks it. “I’m not very good at this. The video was way too dark. Would you or your partner maybe give it a try?”
He probably should correct her now, tell her he and Eddie aren’t partners , just friends, but something inside of him doesn’t want to do that. In these short moments between him and her, it’s become real ; in this fictional version of reality, he, Eddie and Christopher are a family, and that scenario just feels too amazing to ruin it for both of them.
“I’ll see what we can do,” he says and takes her phone, making his way back to Eddie and Christopher.
~*~
It’s probably all just about this sense of family, of belonging, Buck thinks over the past few days. He’s not into men. He’s never been. He never imagined kissing a guy, let alone sleeping with one. Sure, he’s seen other guys, celebrities in movies and TV shows, and thought they were good-looking, but not really in a way of wanting to get into their pants. So this whole thing with Eddie, with imagining that they’re a family, or wanting some physical affection is nothing out of the ordinary.
What definitely isn’t normal between two friends, however, is what happens one day at the fire station. Buck goes into the men’s shower room, about to undress completely and leave his dirty clothes on the bench at the entrance when he spots Eddie. He’s standing under the spray of the shower, back turned towards him. It’s not the first time that Buck has seen Eddie in various states of undress, but it’s definitely the first time that he can’t draw his gaze away.
Eddie’s bulked up quite a bit over the past two years, and Buck wants to tell himself he’s just admiring that, is just comparing the leaner figure to the now broader, more muscular shoulders and back. Wants to tell himself that, when his gaze is fixed on the well-rounded muscle of his ass, it’s just a purely natural, innocent impulse to compare himself with another guy. But he can’t tell himself that, because there’s a reaction in him to seeing Eddie’s naked body that very clearly and obviously goes beyond just a general interest and appreciation.
His breath hitches in his throat when he realizes this, when he registers the tingling feeling running through him, right to his groin. It’s almost too late to prevent worse from happening when he finally tears his gaze away and focuses on something else. The clean pair of boxer shorts and a fresh t-shirt he’s brought, the towel he’s gonna use to dry himself off, the bottle of 2 in 1 shampoo and body wash all laid out on the bench so he can start his shower. He just doesn’t trust his body right now, is afraid to take off his underwear and step under the shower himself while Eddie has not yet finished.
Maybe it’s just because he hasn’t gotten laid in such a long time. Maybe his body is just so needy that it doesn’t discriminate and takes every small bit of inspiration to get excited, and it all has nothing to do with what Buck’s brain wants. But that’s another thing he can’t convince himself of, because his thoughts drift back to those images. What’s worse, though, is that his brain has now apparently decided to add more images to the scenario, images that are pure fabrication, because Buck has never touched Eddie’s naked back, has never kissed him, never stood with him under the spray of the shower, and--
“Everything okay?”
He hasn’t even heard that the water has been turned off, and he startles slightly when he feels Eddie gently pat him on the shoulder.
“Uh, yeah,” he says quickly, hearing the words hitch in his throat as he turns. Luckily, Eddie has a towel wrapped around his middle now, and, equally luckily, Buck is holding his own still folded towel in front of himself.
“Okay. Good,” Eddie studies him for a moment, and it takes Buck all his willpower to look him in the eye instead of allowing his gaze to travel down Eddie’s front to see where the droplets of water trickle down his chest.
“Better hurry then. Dinner’s ready in a few.”
Buck just nods with a small smile, feeling a knot in his throat and a throbbing much farther down. That’s the fourth time Buck notices that whatever he is feeling for Eddie is most definitely not normal.
Although he was looking forward to taking a hot, relaxing shower, he turns the water as cold as he can stand when he finally steps under the spray.
~*~
There is one thing Buck knows for certain: Eddie is his best friend. It’s that thought that accompanies him over the next few days, whenever his mind goes back to those other scenes, most of all the last. They’ve been best friends for over two years now, and maybe it’s normal to sometimes feel the boundaries between friendship and something more get blurry. Maybe it also means that Buck is not really one hundred percent straight, as he always assumed.
That thought should probably freak him out a little more, but strangely, it doesn’t. He tries to test his theory by first looking at pictures of ‘hot guys’ on the internet and then even testing the waters and watching some gay porn, but none of that does anything for him, except for one short clip he found where he can’t see the guys’ faces who are making out with each other. In the shower. In the end, it’s more awkward than arousing, though, and Buck shrugs it off as some kind of fluke.
It’s two weeks later, however, when something happens that adds another element to the equation. Some teenagers are trapped in a storage building that has started to collapse due to water damage. Two kids at the front of the building were freed easily, but a third one is still in the back. While Buck and Chim are making sure the first two kids get out safely, Eddie has rushed to the back and tried to lift a heavy wooden box that has trapped the third teen’s leg underneath.
“I need some help back here!” Buck shouts and just wants to get to Eddie and the kid when the ceiling gives in completely and collapses in the middle of the building. Buck just so manages to jump backwards and not be hit by the falling debris.
“Eddie? Eddie!!!” Buck screams, adrenaline shooting through his body. He has to get to Eddie, has to get him out. It’s all he can think of, and it has to work, because the alternative is too horrible to be even considered. But that fear is there, gripping him and twisting around his chest. An entire ceiling just came tumbling down over them, and it’s very possible that-- No. No, he can’t even think about it.
“Eddie!!”
The rest of the team is there, too, and they’re all trying to get the pieces of concrete out of the way, rushing around the rubble to the other side to find an entrance.
They’ve been in so many dangerous situations, so many tight spots that may have cost either or both of them their lives. It’s a part of the job, and Buck has always known what he signed up for. That doesn’t make it any easier, though, doesn’t make that awful, clenching feeling in his chest go away. What would he tell Christopher if-- No.
“Eddie can you hear us?” Cap calls, but there’s no reaction. No radio response, no voices reaching them through the rubble, and the prospect of having lost him is getting devastatingly real.
“EDDIE!!!” Buck’s vision gets blurry, and he knows there are tears in his eyes now. His nose is tingling, stinging with them, and he really feels like he can’t breathe any longer.
“There!” Hen shouts. “I see him.”
Hope sparks up in Buck, but the fear isn’t chased away completely. Just having seen him doesn’t mean that he’s still alive.
But then, there is movement as Cap and Chim lift a larger piece of concrete. Buck sees a hand first, then a helmet and the head of the kid Eddie went in to save. They pull the kid out first, unconscious but alive, and it’s Buck who puts all his might into getting Eddie out now. Eddie crawls and Buck pulls, and a moment later they’re both on the ground, Eddie in his arms.
“I’m okay,” Eddie coughs, but Buck just holds him for a moment, hugs him tight as relief washes over him.
All he wants to do is keep holding him, kiss his dust and grime covered face, but Cap gently pushes against his shoulder to let go of Eddie so he can be checked out.
“I’m okay,” Eddie says again, and it’s Buck he’s looking at, letting out a small, breathless laugh. “I’m okay.”
Finally, Buck can breathe again.
~*~
Eddie was lucky to get out of there with only a few bumps and bruises. For Buck, however, the first days after that rescue effort were a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride. What he has tried to explain away and deny has become very, very clear to him now. Frighteningly so. It’s not just friendship. It’s not just a man crush. What Buck is feeling for Eddie has become more over time, and it’s happened so gradually and sneakily that it was kind of easy to miss, and easy to explain away.
He knows now, though, knows that he is, undeniably, in love with Eddie. He knows this because, after that day, he couldn’t stop thinking about holding Eddie in his arms, kissing him and telling him everything he feels. Just that he can’t do the former without Eddie wanting it too, and he can’t do the latter at all because that would definitely ruin their friendship.
Buck just has to live and deal with this now, with being in love with someone and them not loving him back, or not in the way he wants to. He likes to think that Eddie does love him, as a best friend, or like a brother maybe. He’s not a stepdad to Christopher but more like a cool uncle and friend, and while all of that is great and good to know, it also really hurts that it’ll never be more.
When Eddie invited him over to spend the evening with them a few days ago and then again yesterday, Buck found excuses. As much as he enjoys spending time with Eddie and Christopher, he has to get his head straight again (literally) and get over this.
He almost wishes Albert didn’t go on a date with a new girlfriend and promised to spend the night at her place, because if he was here with her, Buck could at least be annoyed at something and not feel so alone. But here he is, sitting on his sofa, zapping through the channels and finding nothing to watch that could cheer him up.
When the doorbell rings, his first thought is that Albert’s date didn’t go so well after all and that he forgot his keys, but when Buck opens the door he’s looking into a different face, one that is wearing a small, somewhat hesitant smile.
“What are you doing here?” Buck asks in surprise, trying to ignore how his heartbeat automatically picked up at seeing his best friend.
As soon as he registers how his words came out, he expects a cocky reply, something along the lines of ‘good to see you too’ or something similarly teasing, but that doesn’t come.
“I wanted to check on you,” Eddie says, his tone gentle. “You’ve been kinda…” he trails off, and Buck finally decides to open the door fully and let him in.
“I’m okay. Just tired, I guess,” he lies.
“Christopher misses you,” Eddie replies as he closes the door behind him.
Buck doesn’t know what to say. He walks over to the kitchen, opens the fridge door and wants to take out two bottles of beer, but then hesitates because he doesn’t know how long Eddie is going to stay. “Uh, do you--”
Eddie nods before Buck finishes the question and gets the bottle opener wordlessly, and that’s nice, isn’t it? That they can communicate with minimal language, at least when it comes to mundane little things as this. As for the bigger stuff, communication hasn’t gone that easily lately.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been around much,” he says at last, leaning against the counter. “Maybe I can go to the park with Christopher after the Friday shift.”
Eddie takes a first sip of his beer and leans against the fridge, opposite Buck. He nods slowly. “Good. Because Christopher was starting to wonder if you were avoiding us.”
Buck feels really bad for it. If there’s one thing he didn’t want to do it’s hurting the kid through any of this. He averts his eyes. “I haven’t. I’m just…”
“Just avoiding me,” Eddie concludes.
Buck feels caught, feeling his heart jump with the shock of it as he looks back up at Eddie who is studying him, his gaze firmly on Buck with almost a challenge in his eyes.
Buck wants to find another white lie, but all that comes out is a helpless, resigned chuckle. He brings a hand up and rubs it over his forehead.
“I’ve been racking my brain over what it could be, something I said or did, but I can’t come up with anything,” Eddie goes on. “I mean, usually, when you’re pissed at something it’s impossible to miss.”
“I’m not pissed, and you didn’t do anything,” Buck replies, unable to lie, though he also knows he’s talking himself in a corner here. Just how is he going to explain this to Eddie without making an even bigger mess of things?
“That’s good to know, because…” Eddie puts his beer bottle down on the counter and comes closer to Buck. There’s only a foot of space between them now, and Eddie even takes a little step further. He looks up at Buck who looks back, and for a split-second, Buck can’t help his gaze traveling down to Eddie’s lips. He suddenly sees the hint of a smile tug at the corners of Eddie’s mouth.
“Christopher isn’t the only one who missed you, you know?”
Of course Buck knows this. Friends miss each other too, and Buck’s been a lousy one lately. There’s something in Eddie’s tone, however, and in the way his gaze is still fixed on him. Then he raises a hand, slowly, almost reluctantly, and places it on Buck’s upper arm. It’s a familiar gesture, and it could have been completely casual, but it’s not a pat or a slap; no, the touch lingers, and all Buck can do, without wanting to, is release a small, shaky sigh.
“I have an idea. And maybe I’m completely crazy to think this,” Eddie says now as his hand sinks down again and he lets out a small, breathy chuckle.
Buck can barely breathe.
“But… There’ve been so many things lately that made me wonder,” Eddie goes on, “and I didn’t know what to make of it at first, but--”
“I think I’m in love with you,” Buck blurts out. He doesn’t even know why, because he clearly hasn’t made the conscious decision to say it. Maybe he couldn’t stand the tension any longer, keeping something from Eddie, having him tickle it out of him. Or maybe there’s a small part of him that hopes he’s not the only one who feels this way, and it’s now or never to finally figure it out. That hope is small, though, and the fear that he’s fucked things up now way bigger; so big, in fact, that he feels tears well in his eyes.
But then he looks at Eddie, sees his eyes slightly widened and a smile spread on his lips, slowly, becoming big and bright and radiant, and that hope in Buck spreads through his entire chest.
Eddie’s hand is back on his arm a second later, and he steps closer, their faces just a few inches apart now. “That’s good to know,” he repeats his earlier words, “because I think I’m in love with you too.”
Then, Eddie is kissing Buck, and it’s more perfect and breathtaking than imagining it ever could have been. It’s soft at first, their lips just gently touching, but then Buck puts his own beer bottle on the counter and wraps both arms around Eddie, and it really starts to feel like coming home. He’s holding Eddie in a tight embrace, and Eddie is embracing him back, his body pushing closer. The kiss deepens, and Buck is so overwhelmed with emotion that he can barely form a coherent thought. Just that Eddie is kissing him. It’s actually happening, and it’s not awkward or strange at all but feels just perfectly and wonderfully right .
“I can’t believe this,” he sighs out a chuckle as they part, just their foreheads resting against each other for a moment.
“How… when did you even…?”
Eddie lets out a small laugh and shrugs, now letting one hand run down Buck’s arm before grasping his fingers gently and looking down at them. “I don’t even know. I just… I dunno. Maybe it’s been like this for ages? Just took me a while to figure it out. And then you started acting all strange, and… that one time in the showers? I thought--”
Buck’s eyes widen, and he feels a little embarrassed now. “You… you noticed?”
Eddie shrugs again. “I wasn’t sure, but… you seemed so flustered. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”
“Yeah, I was flustered, alright,” Buck lets out a bashful laugh, his free hand on Eddie’s upper back, feeling the warmth of his skin through his shirt. He’s a little flustered now, too, but in the best possible way.
Then, he draws back a little and looks at Eddie again. “What’s Christopher gonna say to this, though?”
“Buck, Christopher loves you. For once, I’m really not worried about what he might say at all.”
Buck feels his chest swell with emotion at these words, and there is a wide smile spreading on his lips. Unlike Eddie, he’s not going to be not worried about this at all, but Buck also knows he’s important to the kid, and even if there’s going to be some awkwardness at the beginning, he’s sure it’ll be fine in the end.
He still can’t believe it, though. That this is really happening. Eddie is really in love with him as well, and Buck is so happy that he can’t even remember when he felt like that the last time. If at all.
“Who’s watching him, by the way?”
“Carla. She said she could stay for a few hours.” There’s a promise in those words, a small smirk on Eddie’s lips that soon turns into one of those radiant smiles again.
“So…” he says and wraps both arms around Eddie’s back again, “that means we have enough time to make out like teenagers?”
“Yeah. We do,” Eddie replies and then leans in again for another kiss.
They make it to the couch at last, and they kiss for what feels like hours, until their lips are swollen and sore and they laugh and have to call it a night, at least with the kissing. Eddie stays for a little while longer, and they’re just lying on the couch, snuggled up together until Eddie finally has to get back. There’ll be many nights like this one, and Buck can’t wait to see what each of them holds in store.