Work Text:
Hawks doesn’t have many memories with his parents. Having abusive parents doesn’t leave you wanting to have memories with them. So, his brain selected what he should remember from them. By chance, he remembers one of the few things that his mother taught him. “Be kind. Take care of the ones you love; you never know when you might lose them.” Somehow, she herself did not apply her own advice. But, even if this one sentence got stuck in his memories, he did not respect it either.
Having a rough childhood, he learnt not to say what he was feeling. And so, from a very young age when the commission took him in, he started to act like a clown in front of others, so they wouldn’t know what he was feeling. People saw him as the funny kid, always fooling around and befriending everyone. Thus, when a red-haired boy with a fire quirk joined in the trainings, Hawks didn’t hesitate. But this boy was different, he ended up being the closest person he had ever known. He was mysterious, scheming and Hawks wanted to figure him out. For two years the red head named Touya came to the trainings and the two boys built a great relationship. They were always together bickering or talking.
Hawks talked about his past for the first time in his whole life and told Touya his real name, entrusting him with his whole life. Not knowing that this would end up turning against him, and all of this might be the sole reason his heart ached so much afterwards. He never trusted anyone but the only person he had ever trusted left. He could have been prepared, but he decided to be blinded by his feelings. He sensed that things started to be weird with Touya, he should have known. He should have. But he was too blind.
Touya started to have burned marks in his body from overworking himself, he was sinking into a deep ocean of darkness and Hawks witnessed it all. A vivid worry wrapped around Hawks, and he wanted to help him as best as he could, but he couldn’t find the words, he never had to before. And when the time came, when he could have done something, that one night, he couldn’t find the words.
That night, Touya came to meet him one last time, before going on a journey to become the greatest hero ever. “You’ll see once I’ll come back, I’ll be even better than you.” All of it sounded fake to Hawks, as if he already knew what was going to happen next. Yet, all the concern he built up in himself for the past few months created an anger that he didn’t know ever existed.
“So, you’re just gonna leave.” He wanted to add “me”, but it would have meant showing too much weakness.
“No, I just told you I’ll be coming back.” He paused and looked at Hawks who was frowning looking at his feet. “Why are you so mad anyway? Are you jealous because I get to leave this city and you don’t?” A sly grin on his face.
“I don’t care about this stupid town, and I’ll be stronger than you anyway I don’t need any training outside here.”
“Are you serious?” He raised his voice only causing a shot of pain to go through Hawks violently. “You’re so fucking stupid all the time only thinking about yourself.”
“Oh, now I am the one that is selfish, huh?” Hawks snapped, raising his voice in his turn.
“Yes, you are, you’re always like that.” Touya was screaming by now. It was the first time he screamed at Hawks.
He sighed and looked at Touya who was staring at him, his face full of anger. The same anger that was usually addressed to his dad.
“Just leave already.” He said quietly.
“No, I’m not finish-”
“Leave. I know you want to.” Hawks finally said.
Those were the last words Hawks ever said to Touya. After that, he spent endless nights of wondering before a member of the Commission came to him one day to announce that Touya Todoroki was dead.
Somehow, it was no surprise to Hawks. Somehow, he knew from their final words that this would not be left unshaken. The day he learnt about Touya, he remembered his mother’s words, they stuck in his mind and for hours all he could hear was his mother’s voice. The only good person he ever had, he couldn’t save them, he couldn’t help them. So much for being a hero. He was no hero. Wasn’t able to communicate his feelings and how he didn’t want Touya to leave that night, just because he would miss him, and he was afraid to be left alone. He kept telling himself that if he had another approach that night, maybe Touya would still be by his side.
Hence, growing up from here, this moment, mixed up with his mother’s words, stuck to him. Whenever he was saving someone as the Wing Hero Hawks, he remembered that he couldn’t save the one person he ever truly cared about.
And with all of this he should have known. He should have followed his instinct. He should have been alarmed by the villain with a fire-quirk having a little bit too much of Touya in him. But even so, he stayed blind. Not wanting to hurt another time. Even as he was requested to infiltrate the League and was in contact with Dabi the fire user, he closed his eyes. He decided to put Touya in the back of his mind, where he belonged. And even so he started growing feelings for the stupid villain, he closed his eyes. Even so one night they stayed at a hotel for an endless night of pleasure, he remained blindfolded.
But the biggest hint Dabi might have given him was the words that left his mouth that night. Hawks woke up in the middle of the night, and, realizing he should not be here any longer, he got dressed and started opening the window to leave the sleeping villain. But, as he was about to jump, Dabi woke up and asked. “Already leaving?” Hawks turned his head to look at him ready to give excuses as to why he had to go. But before he could say anything Dabi started to laugh quietly. The next words that left his mouths might have been the cause of Hawks endless nightmares. “Leave. I know you want to.” To what Hawks responded by jumping in the darkness, tears in his eyes.
So yes, he should have known all this time, it was the same man. The only person he had ever trusted and loved. It was the same one all along, the same one he couldn’t save that day years ago. He couldn’t save him today either. And now that his video was all over the press, all Hawks could do was to watch it every night. The bittersweet words of his mother haunting him.
But the truth is, neither of them had ever wanted to leave.