Chapter Text
Katniss can count all her goodbyes on her fingers. She lists them off sometimes, over and over again and she either cries, falls asleep, or does both.
Her father.
Her mother.
Her home.
Gale.
Whatever part of her she thought she owned.
And now this. Now the worst goodbye of all, she thinks. The last shard that makes up her heart is slowly being ripped through her skin. The last thing she cares about has been turned back on Katniss and it's now a weapon used against her.
"Are you sure you don't need anything?" The waitress asks, tilting her head to the side. This makes the fourth time she's asked Katniss that over one and a half hour. Or something like that. Time blends together easily.
"Yes. I'm fine." Katniss snipes back. She turns back to her journal, ignoring how she can hear the waitress sigh.
"Do you want to order something? A coffee? Pastry? Anything?" The waitress suggests. She has ginger hair pulled into a bouncy ponytail that reaches just below her shoulder. A blue dress with a white apron.
Katniss ignored the question and instead pushes past into the bathroom. It's small with only one stall and she locks it immediately. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and dials his number before splashing some water on her puffy face. Red from crying.
"Catnip?" Gale's voice is louder than Katniss expects and she jumps before resting her phone against the mirror of the bathroom. She tries to smile, so truly tries, but fails. "Oh Catnip. Where are you?" He asks gently. Like she's a wounded animal.
Katniss rubs the edge of her palm against her eyes. "A diner right on the edge of Panem. I wanted to come in as soon as possible, but I saw the statue and it was-" Her voice trails off as the statue haunts her. It used to be a good memory, a memory that spoke of family road trips and Polaroid pictures she left in a drawer in her apartment. "I couldn't go any further." She finishes.
Gale sighs. "Katniss," Katniss can nearly laugh at how she nearly fell in love with the way he says her name. Crisp and emphasised with uttermost importance. Like she matters. "You don't have to come. No one will judge you if you don't come."
Katniss ignores his blatant lies. "I have to come. She's my baby sister for fucks sake. I'll be back tomorrow morning. I just need to find somewhere to stay for the night. Can I crash at your place until-" Katniss pauses and doesn't continue. She can't continue.
"Of course. Catnip, of course. There's a good motel I know. Stayed there a couple times when I blacked out at parties. Go back to the statue and take a left turn, okay? Then you just keep driving until you see a neon sign saying 'Abernathy's Motel, Jacuzzi currently broken'. The guy who runs it is a bit of an asshole, and drunk as fuck, but it's okay if you need to stay a night or two." Gale explains. Katniss scribbles the instructions down in her journal. Simple enough.
She glances back up at the phone and her shoulders sag. "Thank you Gale. Really." She whispers, unsure if he can hear her.
Gale smiles at her. Sadly. It's tinged with age, even if he isn't that old yet, and something she can't describe. Pity perhaps. Whatever it is, Katniss loathes it. "I've missed you." He replies gently.
She hangs up.
The words are too much, because while Katniss is supposed to miss living in Panem and waking up early to the sunset and going for walks with Gale and being naive, she doesn't. Panem was never the place for her, she thinks. Somewhere out there must be a Katniss Everdeen shaped hole and she'll find it and just click. She'll belong.
Click.
Katniss splashes some water on her face and pulls her matted hair into a quick ponytail. She tucks her phone and journal into her satchel bag. It was a leaving gift from her mother, perfect size and more expensive than Katniss would've liked. She does appreciate it though. She appreciates it so much.
Katniss leaves a tip for the waitress. A large tip from what small coins she has left in her wallet. The waitress deserves it. Maybe Katniss wants to be kind. Wants to pretend like she's a good person. Hah. It's a large lie and no amount of coins can fake what Katniss really isn't.
She exits the diner quickly and sharply. Katniss stretches her arms out before hopping in to her car. It's an old thing, passed down from her mother, but works. It's given Katniss a bit of freedom she dreamed of as a young child. So Katniss turns the car on and sets back down the road to the statue.
It's a statue of the founder of Panem, an old man named Coriolanus Snow. Not much is known about him, but they do a unit on the founding of Panem every school year, researching different historical figures and presenting that research to the rest of the class. Katniss hates it, always has, but the statue is fun for taking photos.
She doesn't look at it as she turns left. Just like Gale said.
Mindless driving like she used to with him. On days when it was all too heavy, when they both felt the weight of the fucking world on their shoulders, they'd drive. Around town. Past the statue. Sometimes they got drunk. Sometimes they cried. Katniss isn't sure how much it worked, driving their problems away. A quick relief, yes, but returning back to their small pond was always more and more painful each time.
Ten minutes until Katniss sees the motel. Blaring neon lights that flash green then red then yellow then blue then bright pink. It all burns her eyes. Abernathy's Motel- Jacuzzi currently broken. It's two floors of a boring beige brick and a dark red tiled roof. There's a car park in the centre and the rooms are in a 'U' shape. A reception off to the side. Katniss parks in the closest parking space and grabs all her possessions. Satchel bag and suitcase.
"Abernathy's Motel, how can I help you? And no kid, I am not interested in you setting me up for a sobriety program. And no, I cannot get you a room downstairs. And yes, the elevator is still broken. Now fuck off." A guy says lazily as Katniss enters the reception. He reeks of alcohol and the bottom two buttons of his stained shirt are broken. His nameplate on the desk reads 'Haymitch Abernathy'.
"I want to book a room. Just got one night." She snaps back. Haymitch raises his eyebrows and sits up properly to get a good look at Katniss. She shrinks slightly under his gaze and shuffles her feet. Looks anywhere but him. Wishes she wasn't wearing shorts.
"A room? In this motel? Oh sweetheart, you must be desperate. Though," He shrugs, "Business is business. One night will cost you 50 dollars. Breakfast included, but we don't serve anything hot. All the other meals are on you. One single bed. Running water will cost you 10 extra dollars. The towels you use cost 1 dollar each. Parking is free for the first 12 hours, after that it's 1 dollar per hour. So?" Haymitch says like he's reading off a script, devoid of all emotion.
"One room for the night, plus running water." She hands him 60 dollars, ignoring the way spending the money makes her stomach sink to her knees. Katniss knows that 60 dollars don't make much of a difference to medical bills, but she wants to help Prim however she can. That's what you do when your baby sister is dying. Dying. Katniss hates that word. Hates it.
Just another goodbye.
Haymitch pockets her money and hands her a small key. "Room 114, second floor. Just up the stairs. Turn right and you'll find it. Good luck, Sweetheart." He says with a smirk. Katniss represses a groan and exits the reception. She kicks the beige wall and only manages to scuff her shoe. Fuck.
Katniss takes five minutes or so to lug her suitcase up the stairs. They're not too tall, but still too tall and her arms ache like hell. She makes her way right and quickly finds her room. The key needs too much rattling about for the door to finally open, but Katniss does it and she wants to collapse or cry or collapse and cry and yell all at once.
She locks the door and takes her boots off, playing the role of a sane motel guest, before collapsing on the rickety bed fully clothed. She doesn't cry or collapse or collapse and cry and yell all at once. Just stares up at the ceiling.
She'd been 16 when Prim was diagnosed. Leukemia. Sick. Death. Goodbye. So many words the doctors said and yet so many words they left out. Rounds of chemo and watching her sister slowly float away. Him. Katniss ran away from it all. Went to college. Pretended she was fine and wasn't terrified.
A text message from her mother.
It's time to say goodbye.