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Reki stares into his bathroom mirror, glass half covered in sticky notes to remind him to do simple tasks like taking his antidepressants and clean his room- neither of which he’s had the energy to even attempt to do. The silence of the room rings in his ears. It feels deafening.
His face doesn’t look to be his own. Tired and sunken, having lost all its color from him not leaving the house in 3 days. His eyes sit reddened in their sockets, both feeling as if they could spill tears again and as if they would remain dry and empty forever.
His mouth is carved into a permanent frown as he looks down at himself.
Absolutely disgusting.
His binder clings to him uncomfortably. He hasn’t removed it in 3 days now, and it doesn’t feel good. He knows he should take it off. Keeping it on for longer than 8 hours is bad- let alone keeping it on for 3 days straight, even wearing it to bed.
But he just can’t bring himself to remove it.
Even with it on, the shape of his chest is still there. Breasts compressed down in an attempt to look like pecs still look like breasts. No matter what he does, he can still see the mounds of flesh sitting there, taunting him. Sending him a daily reminder of who he really is.
Reki’s eyes shift down. He stands in his boxers. They hug his hips in such a way that he feels sick looking at it, but he can barely look away from his body. It’s the same feeling of driving past a crazy car accident and not being able to stop staring, or watching a gross video but having your eyes glued to it even though you’re grossed out. Morbid curiosity.
There’s a distinct lack of a bulge. Sometimes Reki is able to forget about this part, as it’s not always so apparent. But other times, he gets slapped in the face with the ay he looks.
Reki shuts the lights out before walking back into his room. He’s thankful that his bathroom is connected to his bedroom, because the idea of anyone seeing him this way scares him. Usually he presents himself as a ball of sunshine- unable to be torn down from the world, but he can’t hold that facade up right now.
He slips back into his sweatshirt- the same one he’s been wearing the past few days- and pulls on some sweatpants. It’s uncomfortable and hot, but he doesn’t want anyone to see how he looks.
There’s a knock at his bedroom door.
“Reki?” His mom asks from outside the door, “Are you able to go to school today?” Her voice sounds worried.
“Not today. I can try tomorrow,” Reki pauses, “sorry.”
Reki’s mom sighs.
“It’s ok, my love. Have you been taking your medication?”
“Yes,” Reki lies, “I have.”
Reki’s mom frowns outside the door. She knows Reki hasn't been taking his medication, but there’s not much she can do. If she forces him it’ll only make things feel worse for him.
“Ok. I’m leaving now to take the girls to school and then I’ve got work. Please try to get out of the house at some point today, my love. Maybe you could go to the skate park with your friend?”
Reki’s breath hitches. Langa. He’s been avoiding him the past few days, afraid of what he’ll think of Reki in this state. Langa knows about Reki being trans, but either way, Reki still feels gross about himself. The idea of Langa seeing him like this feels scary.
“Ok. Maybe.”
Though she’s not satisfied with his response, Reki’s mom turns around to leave, not before giving Reki a quick “I love you”.
Reki hears the front door open, just hoping to hear it shut again so he could leave his room to get food without anyone seeing, but he hears something else.
“Oh! Welcome! Aren’t you meant to be on your way to school right now?” Reki’s mom asks, surprised at the visitor at the door.
“Ah yes! But my mom said it would be ok for me to skip today to come see Reki. I haven’t seen him in a few days, and he’s not been answering me, so I wanted to check that he’s doing ok. Is he home?”
“Yes yes, he’s here.”
Reki hears two pairs of feet padding towards his room, followed by a knock on his door.
“Reki?” His mom questions, “Langa’s come to visit you! Can I let him in?”
Reki hesitates. He desperately doesn’t want to be seen like this, but damn, he misses his boyfriend. He sighs, wrapping himself in his blankets in order to hide his body and replies.
“Y-yes he can come in.”
Reki’s mom lets out a relieved sigh before opening the door. Langa thanks her before shutting it behind him.
He looks down at Reki.
“Reki… what happened?” He asks quietly, feeling almost as if speaking too loud will break Reki.
Reki blinks, staring up at the ceiling with his covers wrapped tightly around him. He’s boiling hot and can barely breathe from having his binder on so long, but he pushes through.
“I just…” Reki pauses, unsure if he should tell the truth. “I just… Am having a hard time right now…”
“Did something happen?” Langa questions, shifting uncomfortably on his feet.
“No… nothing specific happened. It’s just to do with me uh..” Reki looks up at Langa for the first time since he entered the room, but decides the eye contact is too much for him in this second, “ It’s just a trans thing.. I’m not feeling good… about myself.”
“Oh Reki,” Langa sighs. He feels like a jerk for not coming over to help sooner, but he pushes away that self pity in order to help Reki as much as he can.
He walks toward the bed carefully.
“Can I sit next to you?
Reki nods his head.
“Can I put my arm around you?”
Reki nods again.
Langa had seen Reki having small bouts of dysphoria- like when Miya said he talked like a girl, or when his mom accidentally misgendered him once- but those were all passing moments. He’s never seen it get this bad.
Langa wraps his arm around Reki carefully, not removing the blanket from around him yet. He’ll get there, but he doesn’t want to push Reki too much.
Reki stiffens up, but soon leans into Langa’s shoulder. He knows he smells bad and looks horrible from not showering or practicing any personal hygiene in days, but he’s too tired to think about it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Langa asks.
It’s a simple, straightforward question but for some reason, it hits Reki like a pile of bricks.
A tear rolls down his cheek, followed by the sound of a sniffle.
The tears keep coming, and soon, Reki is full on sobbing against Langa.
He holds his blanket tight around his shoulders as Langa hugs him from the side, thumbing circles on his quivering shoulders. Chokes and coughs escape him as the crying worsens. The binder feels too tight right now with the crying, which only makes him sob harder.
“W-why am I li-like this, Langa?” Reki cries, snot dripping from his nose.
“Oh, Reki, Baby, you’re perfect how you are. I love every part of you.”
“I-I’m so sorry y-you have to date someone like m-me. I’m s-sorry I’m not a b-boy.”
“Reki,” Langa speaks, tone confident and caring, “Reki, look at me.”
Reki peeks up at Langa, whose eyes have tears threatening to fall too. It’s so hard to watch Reki like this. But he knows he needs to be there for Reki at this moment, so he keeps the tears in for now.
“Baby, I love you so much,” Langa begins, moving some of Reki’s hair out of his eyes, “I love every part of you. You’re the best boyfriend I could have ever asked for. There’s nothing wrong with you, Lovely. And you are a boy. Reki, you’re a boy. I don’t care how you were born, you’re a boy and you’ve always been one. Baby, you’re so perfect. You’re so fucking important to me, and I want to do what I can to help you right now, ok?”
Reki sniffles and nods his head as he shifts his eyes down. He takes Langa’s hand and begins to play with his fingers to help calm himself down. His chest still hurts, the sobbing having stolen most of the oxygen from his tightly wrapped lungs.
Langa pets his hair before asking a difficult question.
“Reki, are you binding?”
Reki wants to lie, because he knows that Langa will tell him to remove his binder, but he can't lie to Langa.
“Yes…”
“For how long?”
Reki squeezes Langa’s hand again before resuming playing with his fingers.
“Reki, baby how long have you been binding?”
Langa doesn’t want to pry- he knows Reki is hurting right now. But he also knows that binding too long can be extremely dangerous.
“Like… three days now I think…” Reki half whispers.
“Baby, we’ve gotta take it off for a little bit. You don’t want to get hurt.”
Reki sighs, “I know… I just feel so… disgusting. I haven’t been able to shower in days, and I’ve been too scared to take my binder off because I don’t want to see myself or have to feel myself in the shower.”
“What if I help you shower and clean you up for you? Would that be helpful?”
“Maybe.”
Langa stands slowly, helping Reki off the bed. Reki clings to him as they go into the bathroom. Langa notices Reki’s gaze avoiding the mirror, so he grabs a dirty towel from the ground and covers it.
“Does that help a little?”
Reki nods as he sits down on the closed toilet seat.
Langa places a kiss on the top of his head before turning the shower on. As the water heats up, he helps Reki out of his hoodie.
Reki pauses.
“Langa, when you’re cleaning me and stuff can you please try not to look too much at my.. you know..” Reki trails off.
Langa places a kiss on Reki’s cheek.
“Of course, Reki.”
Reki turns around so that his back is to Langa and removes his shirt and pants. He pauses, terrified to take the rest off.
It’s not that Langa hasn’t seen him nude before. He’s helped Reki shower a few times back when he broke his leg and needed assistance with washing himself. He’d been too uncomfortable to ask his mom so he had Langa help. It was never a weird thing, but right now Reki felt nervous.
“Lovely, would you rather me leave you to shower alone? Would that be more comfortable?” Langa asks gently.
“No- I don’t- I don’t want to be alone right now,” after days of isolating himself, Reki is now feeling afraid of having Langa leave just yet. “I want to shower and I want your help, I’m just… I’m sorry. I feel… I don’t want to take my binder off.”
Langa places a hand on Reki’s arm. Reki still faces away from him, but he can tell from the tone in Reki’s voice that he may cry again.
“I’ll only look at your face, Baby. Don’t worry. I’m not here to judge you. I’m just trying to keep you safe and healthy.”
Reki fiddles with his fingers for a minute.
“Langa?”
“Hm?”
“Could you please.. uh… help me get my binder off?”
Langa kisses the back of Reki’s head, glad that Reki is feeling ready to remove his binder.
“Of course, Lovely.”
Langa’s hands make their way to the front of Reki’s binder, fingertips slipping under the hem. Reki raises his arms, eyes shifting toward the shower so he doesn’t accidentally see himself. Carefully, Langa peels Reki’s binder off. There’s immediate relief to Reki’s poor lungs, as he inhales largely. Langa places the binder in the hamper before returning to Reki. He can see the imprint of the binder seams covering Reki’s back- a sign that Reki had been binding much too long.
“Are you ready to remove your boxers now?” Langa asks kindly, smoothing his fingers over the binder imprints that paint Reki’s back.
“Yeah.”
Reki carefully removes his boxers, kicking them off to the side. Again, Langa doesn’t look down, wanting to respect Reki’s privacy as much as possible.
Langa takes Reki’s hand and leads him over to the shower, opening the curtain with a gentle hand. Reki steps in, back still to Langa.
“Is it ok if I sit?” Reki asks, feeling awkward about the question.
Langa responds with a simple “of course” and Reki takes a seat on the shower floor.
The warm water begins to wash away at all of the sweat and grease that had built up on Reki’s skin and hair the past few days. Langa reaches to the side and grabs Reki’s shampoo, warming it in his hands before massaging it into Reki’s hair. Reki leans into the touch. He still feels extremely self conscious, but he knows he can trust that Langa isn’t looking at him.
“Ok, Baby, can you rinse your hair out now?” Langa says, removing his soapy hands from Reki’s hair.
Reki doesn’t verbally reply, but does dip his hair under the shower head.
They then go on to condition Reki’s hair. As the soap sits on his scalp, Langa reaches for Reki’s loofah and body soap.
“Reki,” Langa begins, “I’m going to wash your body now, ok? If at any point it’s too much, please let me know, ok?”
Reki nods his head.
“Yes I will but please don’t look if you don’t have to, “ Reki asks. He knows Langa won’t look. Langa has now confirmed to Reki more than once that he won’t look, but Reki still needs the reassurance.
Langa nods before realizing Reki can’t see him because his back is currently to him.
“Of course, Baby.”
Langa begins on Reki’s back, rubbing circles with the loofah. He lifts Reki’s arms and washes along them. It’s time to wash the rest of him though.
“Lovely, could you turn around for me now and stretch your legs out so I can wash the rest of you?”
Reki is nervous- but not because he doesn’t trust Langa, he’s just nervous because he doesn’t like how he looks. But even still, he knows that getting fully clean will help him feel better.
He turns quietly, looking over Langa’s shoulder as he does so before quickly glancing at Langa’s face to make sure he’s not looking at his body. Sure enough, Langa is looking at Reki’s face and his hair, eyes staying away from his body. Reki lets out a slightly relieved sigh.
“I’m going to wash you now.”
Reki gives a simple nod.
Langa takes the loofa to Reki’s stomach, and then to his collar bones.
“Can I wash your chest, Reki? Since you had your binder on so long there’s probably a lot of sweat build up, and I don’t want you to develop acne on your chest because it’ll make binding hurt.”
Reki looks Langa in the eyes before offering a simple, “yes” in response.
Langa brings the loofa to Reki’s chest, scrubbing it clean, before moving to wash Reki’s legs.
After that, they rinse the conditioner off Reki’s hair and turn off the water. Langa stands from his spot on the bathroom floor to grab a towel. Reki’s eyes follow. How did he manage to find someone so good?
Langa brings back the towel, eyes fixed on Reki’s face and avoiding Reki’s naked body.
Reki quickly wraps himself in the towel before stepping out of the shower and grabbing Langa’s hand.
“Ok, Reki, can we brush your teeth now?”
Reki says yes as they make their way to the sink, mirror still dressed in a dirty towel.
Langa wets Reki’s toothbrush and applies toothpaste before handing it over to Reki.
He asks Reki quietly, “Have you been taking your meds?”
Reki looks away ashamed. He almost doesn’t answer, but he can feel Langa’s pleading eyes on him.
He shakes his head ‘no’.
“If I go get them for you, will you take them?”
Reki then shakes his head ‘yes’.
Langa turns to leave to get Reki’s antidepressants from the bedroom, but not before giving Reki a small kiss on the cheek. He returns just a minute later with a small water bottle he found on Reki’s night stand and Reki’s medication.
Reki spits his toothpaste into the sink before silently taking the pills and water from Langa.
Without saying a word, he swallows them with the water before placing the bottle on the sink.
“Good job, Reki. I’m proud of you, baby.”
They head back into Reki’s room, and Langa grabs Reki a clean change of clothes.
He tosses Reki at shirt, shorts, and boxers.
“Can I have a sweatshirt too please?” Reki asks.
Langa looks at him sadly, “But baby, you were so sweaty before when you had it on.”
“I know but I just really need it… especially if I can't wear my binder right now.”
Langa nods, “Ok. I’ll turn your air conditioning on so you’ll be more comfortable, ok?”
Reki agrees and Langa steps out of the room to turn on the air conditioning, also giving Reki space to get his clothes on.
Not having his binder on feels much better physically, and not being caked in his own sweat makes him feel less gross. He very quickly changes into his clothes, then dries his hair with his towel, before heading out of his room to find Langa again.
He finds Langa in the storage closet, collecting clean sheets.
“What are you doing?” Reki asks, wrapping his hand around Langa’s arm.
Langa jumps a little, startled by Reki.
“I was going to switch your sheets and blankets out for clean ones so you’d feel more comfortable.”
Reki nods his head and leans into Langa.
“Ok.”
Reki makes his way to the kitchen to find something to eat. It’s past 11am and he’s not eaten yet. He settles on a granola bar and some water, eating the granola bar before heading back to his room.
In his room, Langa has already changed his bedding out for clean bedding and is waiting for Reki on the bed.
Reki sits next to Langa, holding him around the waist and nuzzling into him.
“Do you want to lay down?” Langa asks, petting Reki’s hair.
“Yeah. I’m tired,” Reki manages before crawling across the bed to get under the covers, holding them up to invite Langa under.
“Would you like me to lay with you?”
Reki nods quietly and Langa soon joins him under the blankets.
He holds Reki tight, careful to avoid touching his chest, and Reki rests his head against Langa’s heart.
“Thank you, Langa.”
Langa tilts Reki’s head up gently, giving him a soft kiss on the lips, and then on the forehead.
“Of course, my lovely.”
They hold each other. Reki soon falls asleep. And before sleep can take over him, Langa places a kiss on the top of Reki’s head before mumbling, “Sleep well, Reki.”